Standard Disclaimer and Warning (SDAW): As of this SDAW, it's been nearly one year since I've written this. I wrote it to explore certain 'transgender' issues in myself. Since it has helped me a bit, I thought that I would submit it to a few sites. It may help other as well, or at least make you think.

This is not really a story - those reading it expecting a story will likely be disappointed. If it were organized a bit differently, it might be considered an essay. It is not a work of fiction; however, any resemblance to actual persons (other than me) living or dead is purely coincidental and should be treated as such.

This "essay" contains what can be considered strong language and/or adult situations and themes. If you are under 18, or are legally a minor in your place of residence, please do not continue. This essay also deals with Transgender (TG) themes. If such offends you, or makes you uncomfortable, I highly recommend that you do not continue.

This essay may be freely distributed as long as its contents (to include this header) remain unmodified. Charging a fee to access this story, or placing it within a "members only" area is strictly prohibited.

 

A Wish?                      by: Travesty Underscore                Travesty_@atoj.net

 

If you could have but one wish, what would it be?

Some people wish for money, others for sex, power, fame... Some would wish for happiness, or love. Others would wish for revenge. Some people even wish to die.

As for me, I would have to say it depends on when you ask me. Money? No, not money. Sure more would always be nice, and I never have enough, but money, for me, is for buying things. If I have money, I spend it - I even spend money I don't really have. Money would be nice, but money doesn't motivate me.

Sex? To be honest - sometimes. But often not in traditional ways. But besides that, sex isn't really everything, not that I would know. But I wouldn't want a partner solely for sex - the relationship would quickly becoming boring.

Power? I don't know. Power over what, over whom? I wouldn't know what to do with power. With power comes responsibility - with great power, great responsibility. I don't think I could handle the responsibility, and thus, not the power. Power really isn't' something I desire either. It's just not me.

Fame? I'm sure fame has it's own share of problems, not the least, in my opinion, is fame itself. Sure, I want to be known, to be recognized, but not for something as trivial as being a movie star, or an Olympic medallist. (Not to demean the Olympics). If I were to be 'known' - I'd like for it to be for something 'real'. Finding the cure for cancer, world peace, ending hunger - things that matter... No, fame isn't really my cup of tea - and of course that's due a great deal to my introversion...

Happiness? Happiness is a good thing, but what brings happiness? Some would answer the same things as above, they would wish for money, sex, power, fame, etc because they think it would make them happy. Will it? Perhaps, for a while. But, if one were to wish for happiness, how much happiness is truly happiness? When does it become trivial and boring? A perpetual state of happiness, of giddiness, is, well, scary. Besides, how would you know happiness if there were nothing to balance it? No sadness, grief, pain, or longing? How long would the happiness last? Would it be for an instant? *Poof* You're happy now. Oh, so sorry, you're significant other just ran off with your best friend? Are you still happy?

Love? Honestly, I might. But, I'm not sure what love is... what love really is... I "fall in love" often. It's a dream, an ideal, something that might be impossible to attain. The 'love' that I feel is no more than a crush in the best case, or pure lust in the worst.

Revenge? I don't know that if I really have anybody that I want revenge on... Sure, I've had my share of being picked on, school bullies and the like. Some bad memories. I've also had a 'broken heart' or two (but was it real love to begin with, even just one-sided love from me?). But to squander a wish on revenge, to me, is just folly - none of it matters.

Death? Sometimes, again to be honest, yes. And that scares me. For I am scared of death - terrified. I would say "scared-to-death", but that would be ... lame. Death would be, perhaps, non-existence. And, as much as I am confused about my existence, I would much rather have it than the void. Death could also mean spending eternity (a rather long time indeed) in a rather unpleasant place - a void perhaps, a nothingness, no stimulus for the senses, leaving only a mind to feed upon itself. Perhaps it would be "Hell" - an eternity of torment and pain for not understanding/not accepting the Christian idea that a God who is supposedly love could throw and condemn people, some very good people, into eternal torment because they don't know, or can't believe. For some people, faith is impossible - and so, because they can not accept, they get tormented forever? Granted, there are some people for whom a classic Christian hell is appropriate - rapists, murderers, and abusers of children - but "unbelievers"? Perhaps the West is wrong, and Allah is the real god? What then, another eternal torment? No, death is something I could not wish for, at least, not normally.

If you were to ask me this morning, I would have wished that I didn't have to work, or at least not in the job I am in. I would wish to not have to get up in the mornings. (Money? Happiness?) But, I've made a commitment to the job, and it's for a good ideal - defending freedom. When I signed the contract, I knew what I was doing, but not what it entailed - not the boredom, tedium, frustration, and sheer stupidity (in my opinion) of "policy" and "seniors". But, I don't know what I would do if I wasn't working...

Maybe ambition would be good to wish for? With ambition one could attain fame, power, sex, and money - maybe even happiness. With ambition, I could lose the few pounds I want to lose. With ambition I could find out what I want to do. With ambition I could get things done that I mean to get done, but never do... Maybe ambition is a bad word - drive perhaps?

Often, I would wish to be "normal" - not that I really know what normal is like, but I know some things that aren't normal. Many of my thoughts, my dreams, my fantasies, things I may wish for (see later) are not normal. Being so shy as to be afraid of people is not normal. Being "afraid" of sex is not normal. Crossdressing is not normal. But, if I were to be normal, would I still be me? Maybe instead of wishing to be normal, I should instead wish to not think certain thoughts, or feel certain desires, impulses, and urges? Perhaps it's not a wish I need, but medication? Sedate me. Pump me full of chemicals that make me forget, dull my senses, and can not communicate with the world? For some, that would be happiness. I don't know - senses are very important to me, sedation won't do it. Identity is very important to me; sedation won't help. Nor will surgically removing pieces that make up my "whole". I wouldn't be me anymore. (And what, I wonder, would this new person wish for? Being "normal" would it be sex, power, or money?)

I'm not sure really who I am, but I really strongly feel that the "me" on the inside is nothing like the "me" on the outside - or vice versa, depending on how you look at it. I once scoffed at the concept of an "inner child", now I am convinced that she exists. Sometimes I think she grows weary of who I "am" - sometimes I believe that she has run away from home, and deserted me. Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I believe too little.

This me that I would be, if I were to be the me that I am, or think I am on the inside. Who is she really? Who is it really? Who am I really? The endless search for self.

Often, at least as much as I would wish to be "normal", if not more, I would wish to be a girl. Sometimes sweet and innocent, sometimes tomboy-ish. Usually Asian - Chinese/Japanese, or anime. Sometimes however I would wish to be more than a girl, to be a "woman", to be a sex-object. Perhaps this is why sex scares me so? Because I often fantasize about being a woman, sometimes even having sex as a woman (though, I never really make it to the "graphic" parts, more the concept...), that the idea of having "real" sex is somewhat skewed, and perhaps abhorrent in my worldview?

Depending on when I was asked, it would be a different girl that I would be. I could be a princess, a Sleeping Beauty, or Ariel (The Little Mermaid), and fall in love. (Sometimes I would wish to be the Prince Charming or the Knight in Shining Armour). I could be the girl next door - the redhead tomboy that you play ball with, or the quiet blonde who writes romance novels, or Miss Popular, Homecoming Queen, the stunning brunette. I could be the eight-year old, playing with Barbie dolls, or the 18-year old headed off to college, away from home for the first time. For some reason though, the age 15-16 strikes me the most. Not that I know why. (Sweet Sixteen?)

More often than not, nowadays, I would wish to be Asian. Usually Japanese, though now I have a crush on at least three Chinese singers, so Chinese is often entering my dreams. As Japanese, I would be the school girl in her "sailor suit" (no, I didn't know about sailor suits before I joined the navy...), the quiet, demure dreamer, or the sexy idol singer, or a tomboy (perhaps the only time I would enjoy playing ball...)

Or in anime, I could be Sailor Moon, or a member of the Galaxy Police. I could be a Knight Saber, or a master of a forgotten martial arts style. I could be the superhero(ine), but really not the villain(ess). I could be an elf, or a faerie, or "cat-girl".

The thing is, I am not content with reality, I am not content with who I am. But, after a great-deal of thought, I know that none of this would truly make me happy. It would for a while, but then, it would become the same. It we get old. It would not be "me". I would not be me. I think change and transition are too ingrained into what I dream about - and dreams and fantasies have a place, but must be aside from reality. Any one I would become, I would invariably want to be someone different after a while, a year, a decade, a month, five minutes.

No, I think that wishing to be a girl belongs in my dreams, and daydreams, and stories. It is far easier to dream about, because when it gets old, the dream can be changed - reality can't (though, for this we are assuming it can - once.) And unfortunately with me, dreams can get old, and fade quickly. Reality can get old real quick too, but it really doesn't fade.

I think that there are only a few things that I truly desire, and would be worthy of a wish. I could wish for world peace, that everyone was happy, but, that would be a dangerous wish - if every human suddenly ceased to exist, there would be peace on earth, would there not? And as far as happiness, the movie "Brain Candy" always springs to mind.

I think, that given time to think about it, and formulate my wish (and not acting on some crazy spur-of-the moment whim that I would later regret), I would find a way to incorporate the following into my "one" wish.

That people could accept me for who I am - truthfully, that people could accept everyone for who they are, and accept their differences. If I want to stroll down Main Street wearing a skirt and tights, that shouldn't matter. Nor should it matter what anyone wears. That everyone would respect other peoples' right to be different, to have their own opinion - that age, color, gender, orientation, religion, ethnicity, etc wouldn't matter. With people respecting each other, peace, and happiness are sure to follow. (Though of course, the happiness would be tempered, there will always be sadness, or poignant moments, grief or sorrow, but they too, in turn, would be tempered with happiness, joy, and sheer delight in being alive, and in being.)

That I could change my appearance as easily as I can change my clothes - try out being a Japanese schoolgirl for a while, then follow up with a surfer-dude appearance. I could go to bed as a Chinese girl, and go to work as an African man. That this would also be accepted - heck, why not everyone be able to? (But then, what becomes of one's identity when one can be anyone, or everyone can be the same?)

And for understanding. To understand myself, and what makes me the way I am - and to understand the difference of others (if not necessarily to understand them...). And to be understood - not necessarily always, or completely - but to not be just thought of as someone I'm not, a mask, a facade, or a role. To be able to be who I am, to be able to discover who I am. To be able to be, and to become.

 

 

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