Wishes

by Jennifer White

 

I always wished I had been born a girl. I discovered this when I was very young. It made me so unhappy, even from the start. The worst was at puberty when I started to become a man. I really wished that somehow I would become a woman instead, but that will never happen.

I considered surgery, but that transsexuals I had seen really turned me off. They didn't look like real women to me. There was too much that medical science couldn't change. Like bone structure. I'd never have female hips. I'd never be petite. They'd have to do so much surgery on me to make me fit my body image, that there was no way I'd ever be able to even afford it.

So I did what I could. I took herbs like black cohash, ate a lot of soy, took isoflavones, bought breast cream, and so on. I used feminine products to keep my skin smooth, dressed up in the privacy of my house, read "women's" books and magazines, watched TV channels targeted to women, and so on. But I was still miserable. I was stuck in a man's body.

I'd see women out on the street, and every one I saw, I wished I was her.

Some nights, I lay crying in bed, so upset about myself. How could I live out this life stuck like this? I *so* much wanted to be a woman! I cried myself to sleep that night...

 

* * *

 

Then a strange thing happened to me. I had a really vivid dream, as clear as if it was reality. But it had to be a dream, because it was impossible. In my dream, I woke up, got out of bed, and had to use the bathroom. As normal, I sat down to pee, trying to be like a woman even then. When I was done, I pulled my nightie back down, and went into my bedroom.

The next thing that happened in the dream was that my room was glowing! A warm pink hue emanated from the doorway. Inside, there was a marvelous white haired lady clad in pink and white, hovering in the air! She looked older than time, but more beautiful than a 16 year old girl in the flower of youth, all at once! I gasped, and instinctively curtsied, then fell to my knees.

"Arise child."

"Thank you ma'am. Who are you?" I asked.

"I am what you would call your fairy godmother. Most people don't believe in us anymore, so our visits are rare these days. But I could not ignore your cries for help any longer."

"I must be dreaming" I said.

"You are! Because I have no real physical being, I can only visit you in dreams. But I am very real. And I am here to consider granting your deepest wish."

"Oh please, please fairy godmother. Please help me! I wish I was..."

"Wait child!" she said, cutting me off. "There are consequences to wishes. I want you to really think about this before I grant your wish. This is the one and only wish I am allowed to grant you. There cannot be another."

"I understand" I said. I only really had one wish in my heart.

"And it may not be everything you expect. You have an idealized vision of being a woman, but it is not what you think. It is much harder than you can ever imagine. Everything will be different for you! Your entire world will change. Ever sense will be different, in ways I cannot express in words. If you cross over, you cannot come back. Think before you say yes."

"Yes!" I said immediately. "In my heart of hearts, this is what I have longed for. All my life I have had this wish. I wish I was a woman! I wish it was true!"

She shook her head.

"Do not say that I didn't warn you child. I will grant your wish. Now go back to sleep, and dream the sweet dreams of your heart's desires. When you awake, you will be in a new world. Sleep well child" she said, and started to fade from view.

"Oh thank you fairy godmother!" I said, smiling as I fell back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

I awoke, and immediately remembered the dream. It was so vivid! So real! If only it had been true. I decided to get up, but my body was not listening to me, it stayed in bed. I must have been in one of those "half awake half asleep" states.

A few minutes later, I opened my eyes, and immediately I knew. I *was* real. The room I was in was decorated with reds and pinks, posters of boy bands and romantic movies. I was in a *girl's* room. I sat up, and saw the walk in closet full of dresses and shoes. The dresser which I knew would contain all of the panties and bras, the makeup by the mirror, the jewelry....all of the things which I felt at home wearing, but was too scared to wear in public (in my former male body). They were all mine! And I was a real girl!

Judging from the room, I guessed that I was eighteen to twenty. I wanted to look at myself in the mirror! I went to run over to the full length mirror by the closet door, but nothing happened. Instead, I reached my arms up to stretch, and felt the thrill of having my arm brush against my breast. I felt the weight of them on my chest. I was too excited for words!

I stood up, and felt my posture. I started to walk to the bathroom, and noticed my long hair in my face. My hand brushed it aside, and I glimpsed my thin little hands, with their finely manicured fingernails. I was a girl! A real girl!

But why wasn't I don't what I wanted to do? My new body kept walking into the bathroom, and sat down to go pee. But I was trying to get to the mirror to see myself. Why wouldn't my body respond to me? What was wrong?

I felt the pee moving through me, and out of my new opening. That strangely enough was exciting! As I wiped myself off, I *so* much wanted to explore my moist slit with my fingers, but instead I walked over and started the shower running.

I saw the clock saying it was 6:38. I hated getting up early. I wondered why I would do that as a girl? Perhaps because that is what time she got up normally. I'd soon find out.

The shower was nice and warm, and it was exciting to feel the water splashing down my new body. At first my nipples were erect from the coldness, until I had climbed in the shower. What a wonderful new body! I glimpsed it as I washed my hair, washed my body, shaved my legs, and my armpits. I wasn't thin, but I wasn't fat either. I guessed I was kind of average.

After I dried off (strangely with a patting motion on my face, instead of dragging the towel over it like I normally did...why would I do that?), I put my hair up in the towel, put on a bath robe, and finally went to the mirror.

My face was much like my body: average. I was pretty, but I wasn't "super model" beautiful. But I wasn't ugly either. Just average. Oh well, I would work out, lose some weight, and in no time I'd be more sexy and pretty.

My body seemed to know the routine, and I had no control at all as it went through the process of getting ready for the day. It was alarming that I had absolutely no control over anything I was doing, but perhaps as I learned more of who I was, I would gain control. Still though, I was more excited than I could possibly describe. I felt every sweet sensation, everything was new, everything was exotic, every touch, every feel was a new discovery.

I was amazed as I got dressed up that morning, at how much preparation it took for a woman! I put on my panties and my bra (what a wonder feeling, to have real breasts putting a stress on the cups, and having the shoulder straps bearing weight...unlike when I stuffed my bra with different things when I was a man).

I had to blow-dry my hair, brush it, style it, and put in hairspray to keep it just how I wanted it. As a man, I had run a comb through my hair, and it was done in seconds. But this took quite a while, with this much long auburn hair!

I put on stockings and a black skirt, then a white blouse and a sweater, which I carefully buttoned up half way. As a man, I just grabbed clothes. But my new body seemed to take a while to pick out an outfit. Once I got half way into a blouse, I must have changed my mind, because I put it back and grabbed a different one to wear.

I did all of my makeup, put in my ear rings, took my bracelet out of the cleaner I had it soaking in overnight, dried it off, and put it on. I rechecked that my mascara looked good, touched up my nails in two places, then finally went downstairs for breakfast. It was now 7:45. It had taken over an hour to get ready, instead of the fifteen minutes I was used to! I had only been a woman for part of a morning, and I was already learning that it took a lot more work than it did to be a man.

I ate a light breakfast, grabbed my purse, and ran out the door. I was excited to see where I was going. I drove through the morning traffic to the other side of town, and pulled into the local university. I was a college student.

I sat through a biology class, where I was entirely lost. The girl who's body I was took notes, and must have understood what the professor was talking about. But I had no clue. I spent my time marveling at my new body, but I was getting more and more frustrated at my lack of control.

After class, I walked over to the coffee shop, and drank an espresso as I read through the assignment. A girl sat down at my table.

"Hey Erin" she said. So that was my name!

"Betsy, how's it going?" I said, hearing my new voice for the first time. It was sweet and melodic, high pitched, but not squeaky. A wonderful soothing feminine voice. I was lost in bliss as she/I chatted with Betsy, who I seemed to know from several classes. I wanted my eyes to look at Betsy's body, her breasts, her legs. But they kept staring at her eyes, which was annoying. When my eyes did look at her, they zoomed in on her shoes, and I complemented her on them. Come on! Look at something other than her shoes!

After a few minutes, Betsy excused herself, saying she had to get to her lab. I said good bye, and that I'd see her that night. As she walked away, I saw her cute little butt swaying in her skirt as she headed out the door. She was sexy, and I wanted her. But my body didn't have it's normal reaction of arousal at the sight of a pretty girl; instead there was nothing. I was a woman now, and my body was going to act differently to a stimulus like that. This was going to take some getting used to.

 

* * *

 

I went to three classes that day, and studied for hours. The math class she was in was one that I had taken in college, and done well in. So at least I could follow that, even if Biology was totally lost on me.

I went to a little cafe near campus, and had a salad for lunch, and iced tea to drink. I couldn't have gotten by with so little food as a man. I would have felt starved! But even in the female body, I felt hungry. Erin just had more self control than I did.

After the last class, I went to the gym, and worked out for an hour and thirty minutes. I worked hard, and felt the sweat, but complained to my friends in the class that no matter how much I dieted and how much I worked out, I just couldn't lose the weight. And I complained to her that my thighs looked fat. From what I had seen of them, they looked just fine to me! But I had no control over what came out of my mouth.

It was every man's fantasy (both normal men, and one's like me) to go into the women's locker room! And I got to do that now, and take a shower. I was surprised how even in front of other women, how shy we all were about letting ourselves be seen naked. Women don't prance around with no clothes on (or even just panties) like they do in the movies! I would come to learn that a lot of what you see in the movies is far from true.

 

* * *

 

The next experience that really was different for me came that evening. I (Erin) met up with Betsy. We went out to a party, where we hung out, chatting with the girls. Then a guy walked in. My new female body felt a jolt go through it.

"There he is Erin" said Betsy.

"Yum!" I said.

Now I had only been in this female body for a few hours, and I was not prepared yet to have true female sexual feelings. I thought I would adjust over time. But here I was, suddenly longing for this guy. When he came over, said hi, and gave me a soft kiss, I felt myself get wet! Me!

I wasn't prepared for the feelings that love could bring into a woman's body. I remembered what it felt like to be a guy and be head over heels for a woman, but this was completely different! The female hormones were hitting me hard, and I could even feel my mouth water.

I was at once repulsed, excited, and curious.

We hung out and partied until 1 am, then I had to go. I had a test the next day (at least that's what I told everyone), and I headed home, skipping and humming to myself. I guess I was in love with the guy.

 

* * *

 

Over the next three weeks, I came to know Erin's (now *my*) routine pretty well. But I still had absolutely no control over my new body. I was in her body, but I was just a passenger. I was getting frustrated! This isn't what I wanted! I was trapped. I was starting to get upset and confused.

But then one day, I had a breakthrough! I was out with Anne, shopping for an outfit for the party the coming Saturday. We were looking at the 60% off sale rack, when a particular floral patterned skirt caught my eye.

"That's cute!" I thought, and I reached for it. As if by magic, my arm responded to my thought, and I grabbed it! Wow! I was in control.

"Oh, that's nice" said Anne. "I think that's a winner, if it's in your size."

I stood there for a moment, as if stunned. I didn't know what to say! But then I started talking, but it wasn't me who said it. It was Erin.

"What? Oh this? Yeah, I'll try it on."

"You seemed out of it for a second there. Are you ok?" she asked me, concerned.

"I don't know. A couple of times, I felt a little like I'm a daze or something. I think I need more sleep. No more late parties on Friday."

"Unless Walt is there."

"Yeah, except for that!"

We giggled, and I went to try on the skirt.

I struggled to get control back again, but to no avail. Obviously when I had been in control, she felt like she was out of it. So only one of us could be in charge? And why did I get to be the one 'driving' for that moment? How? Why? What could I do to do that again? It must have something to do with the clothes?

I tried and tried, but it was no use. Things looked like they were never going to improve. I was going to be stuck as a 'passenger' forever.

 

* * *

 

It was about a week later that I had a second episode where I briefly came into control. I was walking across campus, when I saw a young woman with a baby in a stroller. As I passed by, I smiled.

"What a cute baby" I thought, and I was shocked to hear those same words come out of my mouth!

"Why thank you" she said, beaming.

"What's her name?" I said. Me! I said it!

"Alicia" she replied. "She's four months."

I looked at the women's wonderful large breasts, no doubt full from the milk. I suddenly found myself walking again.

"Have a wonderful day!" I said, but it was Erin in charge again.

Now why did it happen again? There went my theory about the clothes. What do clothes and a woman with a baby have in common? I couldn't think of anything, and I started to feel angry at first. But perhaps this was good. It was twice in a week that I had been able to surface. Maybe with time it would become more frequent?

 

* * *

 

That turned out not to be the case, because it was ten days before my next episode. I was going pee in the morning. When I wiped myself off, I saw that I was spotting.

"I better get a tampon" I thought, and was surprised to find that *I* was the one walking over the cupboard (I knew by now where everything was), grabbing it, and sitting back down.

I peeled off the protective plastic covering, spread my legs wide, and looked down. There it was. My special female spot. I wanted to touch it, explore it (period or not!). But when I ran my finger tenderly over my labia, I suddenly found that I was no longer in control. I was now just an observer again, as Erin put the tampon in, and went about the rest of her routine.

What now? Clothes, babies, and tampons. Well, they all had one thing in common: women. Perhaps it had something to do with that. I had thought something that a woman might think, and for a brief time, that made a connection with my new body. But as soon as a male thought entered my head, the connection was gone.

That sounded like something feasible. I would have to test it out. I waited until she walked into her closet, and grabbed a pair of khakis.

"I would look good in a skirt today" I thought. And sure enough, *I* was able to pull one down, and put it on. I tried to be careful not to think any male thoughts, but sure enough, after a few moments, I lost it, and fell back.

I was elated though. I had just found out the secret. I could be in charge any time I wanted to. All I had to do was to think feminine thoughts.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few days, I made sure that from time to time, again and again, I would take control of my new body. I was able one time to keep it for twenty seconds! Then a minute! Then five minutes. I was slowly getting better and better at it. After three months as Erin, I now had enough confidence that I could possibly 'drive' for an hour at a time.

It was getting easier and easier for me to do it. Perhaps my brain was now making more connections with hers, or with her body? In either case, I was very excited to find out something else one day: after being in charge of my wonderful new body for almost 45 minutes, when she took back over, I could swear that I could hear something faintly. Her thoughts!

 

* * *

 

I had to really concentrate, and try to be quiet, but I could now hear what she was thinking! This made things *so* much easier for me. And the more I did it, the easier it became to hear her. Having a chance to hear real feminine thoughts helped me to understand how I had to think to stay in charge. That let me do it for even longer and longer times. Soon, you couldn't even tell if it was me or her in charge. It was like we were the same person.

This was great. It was so wonderful to do what I want in my body! This is what I had wished for. The learning experience of 'tagging along' for these months was worth it. It was really training me on who I was, what I did, and how I did it. It was just so wonderful.

When I was "running things", I found that I could do things like put on my makeup, with her expert hand. It was like I was in charge, but I knew what she knew. I had her knowledge and experience inside of me, and now I was even able to access that, as easily as my own memories. I knew that it would only be a matter of time until I could keep all of my thoughts feminine. Then I'd be 100% in control, full time.

I spent hours searching through her girlhood, and reliving those moments. All the things I missed that I had longed to do! Some of the older memories were blurry, and sometimes it was only a *feeling* that she remembered. But I was able to access all of that, and gain an even better understanding of her. This of course let me do a better job of being in control, and for longer times.

I was so happy! I was in heaven. I was able to really be a woman! And soon, I would be able to take over completely! I was just drowning in her.

 

* * *

 

This was so exciting. I was finally a girl! I had everything I had ever wished for. It was the most wonderful thing in the entire world, to be a girl. I felt more and more at home in my body, and now that I had trained myself to think thoughts in the feminine way, it was becoming easier and easier to stay in control. I didn't even keep count anymore of the time. It just flowed. I was able to think feminine thoughts all of the time really. I also found it incredibly easy to access my girlhood memories now.

The only thing that might have bothered me is that I'd be her for long periods of time, and when I came back to being me, I felt weak and confused. It was easier to slip back into the female thought patterns that my brain was now trained for, than it was to be male, which took work. I just didn't have the strength to fight for it. I just let myself be my female self again.

And not only that, I had a very busy life to lead, balancing classes, exercise, fun with my girlfriends, studies, a part time job to pay for all the new clothes I kept buying, and most of all, Will. I just loved what he made me feel inside. I was falling deeply in love. The way my body responded to his touch, I knew that he was the one I had always waited for.

I kept him 'waiting', like they train you to do since you were a little girl. He was of course eager to push further and further. One day I let him feel me up when we were kissing. The way he touched my boobs (instead of pawing at them like an animal) really impressed me. I knew then that he would be gentle with me.

Perhaps that is why I didn't make him wait any longer, and finally gave in. We made love that night, and it was, just...oh wow! How can you describe that feeling? I had waited my whole life for it, and now that I felt it, why did I wait so long? Well, it was the right thing to do, to make sure that it was a serious relationship, and not just someone after me only for the sex.

Things just kept getting better and better with our relationship, and I was just glowing and beaming all the time. I let my studies slip a bit, but there are only so many hours in the day!

 

* * *

 

When I was cramming for finals, I was excited. I was going to take Will home to meet my parents. If I did good on the tests, that would more than make up for my little slipping in the grades. Ever since I was a little girl, I had good grades, so my parents expected me to come through.

Perhaps it was the stress or something, but during this last semester, I had several times that I kind of drew a blank, like I was in a daze, or about to faint. I considered going to see a doctor when one day I realized that I had to really think about what I had done the last week! But my friend Amy told me that she felt the same way when she got deep into the semester, the time flew by, she would often feel the same way. So perhaps I was just overreacting.

The studying must have paid off, because not only did I ace my Biology exam, I even got a 97 on my math test, and that was my worst subject! Going in to the semester, I was dreading that class. There is *no way* I would have expected to come through with such a high score! That would make my folks proud back at home.

I hung out with Will for that last day before we left. He was watching a stupid baseball game.

"It's almost over" he said, handing me a beer. "And they're bringing in Jackson next inning"

"I thought he had rotator cuff surgery. His arm is still weak" I said, surprising myself. I must have read that somewhere in the paper.

"You know more about baseball then you've let on Erin. I'm impressed. You're the first girl who has done something like that for me. That's why I love you so. You really know how to talk to a guy."

"Oh, it was nothing" I said.

But that bothered me. How did I know that? Oh well, it impressed him, and he was in love with me! So that was a good thing, because love is all that matters.

As we watched the end of the game, I thought I heard something again. The other day when I was alone, I could have swore that I heard a male voice yelling for help. But there was nobody there. It must have been in my head. And there it was again now, but much quieter. That's it, no more beer for me! I wasn't going to drink if it did things like that to me!

But the voice was quiet now, so perhaps I had just imagined the whole thing. I held Will's hand, put in on my lap, and looked into his eyes as he turned the game off with the remote, and kicked the door closed. We had one thing left to do (again) before we went home for the summer.

As I laid down in the bed with my legs spread wide, I thought about the wish I had made earlier that year, that I would find the man of my dreams, and be able to get him to fall in love with me. In the past, I was so 'girly' that I turned guys off after a while. I just couldn't talk to them. But I wished that somehow I'd learn what I needed to be able to communicate with a guy, and get him to really like me. I guess wishes really do come true!

  

 

 

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