The story predicated and described in the following pages is a tribute to a friend that I value and hold in great esteem, and while I have only a fleeting knowledge of personal details, I do however, know him by his actions, his words and strong heart. Thus, any reflection of the truth is purely accidental, though I believe that the portrayal of his character is true to his personality, and I count myself lucky to know him.

 

Winter and Spring              by: Janet L. Stickney                   JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com

 

Standing there in those clothes while my father muttered under his breath wasn't the scariest thing about being there. It was the fact that he was drunk while my mother was lying on the floor out cold from her daily dose of bourbon. My father took two steps towards me, his hand raised in a fist, and I knew he was going to hit me again, but I had had enough. He moved to strike, and just as his arm began to swing at me, I moved, landing a punch right on his temple which sent him to the floor like a wet sack of flour, leaving me panting in joy, fear and disgust. Stepping over him, I went to my room, gathered up my clothes, makeup, and jewelry, slipped on a pair of jeans, touched up my lipstick, then left them there, both on the floor, out cold.

I had only one place to go, and as I trudged through the wintry snow, I gathered my courage, ready to not only tell the one person that I thought I could trust, but show him the reason why I left. My parents, in and out of jail on a variety of charges, usually drunkenness, left me no choice, but at age 15 I should not have to be the one running the house. I was tired of being hungry most of the time, having my scant wages taken to buy booze, then endure the constant tirades and beatings I was getting. Dressing as a girl was dangerous in my house, yet I could not deny how I felt, and continued to get all dressed up, going out as a girl rather than stay and watch my parents as they drank themselves into a stupor every night. My coat hid my small but nicely rounded breasts, but could not hide my bottom, and with the padding I was using, I looked like a girl from behind, especially since my hair went down to the middle of my back. The wind picked up and the snow grew more intense as I plodded to the station. The inner warmth of the building was a welcome respite, and using my last few dollars, I bought a ticket to my Uncle Bill's.

My perfume smelled good against the foul odor of the train, and as I sat there in my seat I was wary as I watched the other passengers, since it was well known that young girls were attacked on a regular basis. The ride took almost three hours and was without incident, which made me only a little less concerned. When the train stopped I stepped out on the boardwalk of the small station and right into the brunt of the storm. Bundling up tight, I plodded across the platform, then down to the street. With no more money I would have to walk to his house, but rather than worry about it, I began my trek through the snow. It was like being on an alien planet. The snow obscured everything while piling up on the sidewalks, making it harder and harder to get through it, but just when I thought I could go no further, a car pulled up beside me. I looked, and saw a police car, my first thought that my parents had managed to figure out where I went, but that was ridiculous. They didn't care where I went. The policeman waved me inside the warm car, asking where I was going. I told him, and without a word he started towards my destination.

The town, a small hamlet near the coast was made up of mostly suburbanites that worked in a larger city not far away, and my Uncle Bill was no exception. I call him Uncle Bill, but he's not really related at all. He was a close friend of my grandfathers before he died, and all I ever called him was Uncle Bill. His wife, now retired from the FBI, working as an executive secretary for twenty plus years. Not having called them I had no idea if they were even home, but it was the only place I had left to go. I could only hope they were home. The policeman concentrated on his driving, leaving me to savor the warmth in the car and not have to answer many questions. Finally he stopped in front of a house, a low ranch style home, all brick with a winding sidewalk. Thanking the officer, I made my way through the snow.

The doorbell rang, and as I waited I wondered yet again if I were doing the right thing. Then the door opened.

"Yes?" Cathy asked me, concern in her eyes.

"Aunt Cathy? It's me. Tom."

"Thomas? From the city?! Well come in you poor dear!"

Uncle Bill walked into the hallway, a question in his eyes until he finally recognized me. "Thomas!" He said in a booming voice, "Nice to see you boy! Get those boots off and come sit in here!"

We sat at the kitchen table sipping freshly brewed coffee and munching on some homemade cookies. I had decided not to hide what was going on, regardless of how much it hurt me, or them, so…

"I…I left home today. I…"

"Your father smacking you around again?" Bill always did go for the throat.

"Yeah" I said, "he was drunk again, and well, he saw how I was dressed, and went…"

"Just how were you dressed dear?" Cathy, in her soft voice pointed those deep brown eyes right at me, and smiled.

"I was…I mean that I…"

"Its okay dear, you can tell us." Bless her, she always sounded calm.

"I was…dressed as a girl."

Silence reigned as they digested what I had told them, then…

"Care to tell us" Bill asked me, "why you were dressed as a girl Thomas?"

"I…didn't have a choice" I said, "I had to do it."

"Someone forced you to dress up as a girl?"

"Um…no sir."

"Then why were you…"

"I think" Cathy said, "that what Thomas is trying to tell us is that he wants to be a girl, and whatever is driving him, forced him to dress that way, which led to this…visit." Turning to me and taking my hand in hers, "I'm right, aren't I Thomas. You didn't have a choice because you couldn't be anything but a girl!"

Nodding my head yes, I started to cry. Between my parents and my admission, I was drained, tired, broke and hungry. As I sat there sobbing, Cathy took me by the hand to a spare room, told me to shower, and change clothes while she made something to eat. Just being clean was a gift, and the aroma of food being cooked filled my senses with anticipation as I slowly went back to the room. There on the bed lay my pitiful few things, none of them made for a boy. I dressed in my best skirt and blouse, trying to hand iron out the wrinkles so I didn't look as bad as I felt. I did a trace job on my makeup, adding lipstick and brushing out my hair before I stepped out of the room and slowly walked back to the kitchen.

Bill saw me, stood up and tapped Cathy on the shoulder. I was exposed, unable to hide, deny what I had told them, and didn't want to. Knowing them, I assumed that the very worse thing would be that they would let me eat, maybe spend the night, then I would be on my way again. But Cathy came to me, took my hand, led me to the table and sat me down, across from Bill. He said nothing for a moment, then poured us each a coffee.

"So…" he said slowly, "you say that this is the real you. What do we call you? Thomas doesn't seem to quite fit a girl that's so…"

"Pretty " Cathy added as she put the plates on the table.

"You won't laugh?" They shook their heads no. "Elizabeth Michelle" I said softly while looking over the rim of my coffee cup.

"That's nice, now eat your dinner" Cathy said as she sat next to me, and I have to admit that I cleaned that plate, twice. It was the first real food other than a burger that I had eaten in two days. Later, as I helped do the dishes…

"You can't go home now Elizabeth, you know that don't you?"

"Yes Ma'am. Dad, if he didn't die, would beat me to a pulp the minute he got sober."

"So, you'll stay here with us for a while. I can use the company, and you need someone to talk to. Bill will be alright, he's just not used to having anyone here but the two of us."

"What about…?" I motioned at my clothes.

"Oh that! Right now you need to feel safe and clean, we'll worry about the rest after we talk some more, girl to girl, okay?"

I hugged her, making her dress wet with water from my hands. But we both laughed, and later that night I slipped into bed, ready to hopefully begin my life all over again. Cathy was gone in the morning when I got up, but Bill sat at the table, smiling as he saw me walk into the room. I had some coffee, read part of his paper, then he said he had to leave. He was gone about twenty minutes when Cathy returned with some bags in her hands.

"That snow is a bitch Elizabeth, but the roads are clear enough. I went out and picked up a few things. Maybe after we clean up we can see how they fit?"

Looking in the bags I saw that Cathy had bought panties, a bra, some pantyhose, a long skirt, a nice blouse and a sweater, plus a pair of shoes! She and I took the things to my room where I eagerly wanted to try them on. As I began to undress I saw that Cathy had not left the room, so I turned away from her, to hide myself, then as I put the clothes on I was surprised to see that everything fit! Cathy took me to her room, sat me at her vanity, and while she brushed out my hair we talked about why I wanted to be a girl, "I didn't know, I just do" I said. How often did my dad beat me she wanted to know, "often" I told her, then she wanted to know about my mother. Wasted was the only word that came to mind. My mother was down to 85 pounds at best, her once lustrous hair now gray and dirty, her once bright eyes dead and pale from so many years of abusing booze. I was unable to cry for her though, I was long since past that. Only anger remained.

Cathy listened to my story without making any judgments, letting me try to explain how and why I felt like I did, about the terror I always felt around my parents, the dread that always enveloped me every time I had to become a boy, even for a single day, and my longing to be a woman like her, strong and efficient, loving and warm, even to a virtual stranger like me. She made me feel like a person again, a girl person, all without the slightest hint that I was wrong, strange, or even crazy. I began to feel like I wanted to call her mother, yet I didn't, afraid that might upset the delicate balance of trust she and I had established.

"I couldn't help but notice" Cathy said calmly as she took my hand, "that you have…some development that is unusual for a boy. Just how big are you dear?"

She had seen me! Slumping in the chair I looked at her quick smile and gentle eyes, then…"B. Well, I'm almost a B cup, that's why I always wear baggy clothes, so dad won't see."

"Tell me about it dear, we can't help you if we don't know what's going on, can we?"

Once it was out, I had nothing to lose, so I told her how I had always felt like a girl, and sometimes had the chance to dress as a girl, before mom and dad started on the booze anyway, and how moms doctor gave her some pills to help her condition. But the pills would also make boys grow up like girls, so after she quit taking them because they made her sick when she drank, I kept refilling the prescription, and taking them myself.

"How long have you been taking them?" Cathy asked me.

"A little over a year I guess, it was just after I turned 14."

"Well, that explains the smooth skin, wider hips and your breasts! Tell me, how did you plan on hiding these changes for three more years? I mean, you'll certainly mature a bit more, and that will mean that everything will get…bigger!"

"I know" I said sadly, "that's one of the reasons I left!

"Since" Cathy asked, "we are just girls here, will you let me see the changes? All of them?"

Nodding my agreement, we went to my room where I undressed down to my panties, and let Cathy look at me. Clicking her tongue now and then she had me worried, then she told me to get dressed, asking me about school, if I was going, and how did I like it. Since, I told her, we were on our winter break, I did not have to be back for three weeks, and with Christmas just around the corner, I left. I told her I liked Math, English and History, but I never got good grades simply because of what it was like at home. She told me to get dressed, then we went back in the kitchen, sat at the table, and with a low groan, I prepared to leave. She knew my secret, and I was sure that I would be out that afternoon, as soon as Bill found out. Cathy asked me a lot of questions, strange questions, like, how often did I see a doctor, or how did I support myself, even asking me if I dyed my hair!

"I can't remember" I told her, "seeing a doctor, my Grandpa left me a trust that mom and dad can't get into but I can, so I take $50 a week for myself, and no, this is my own hair color."

"Okay then! Let's get dinner started. Bill will be home about five, which leaves us plenty of time to make some bread and maybe a fresh pie. Do you know how to bake?"

Shaking my head no, she began to lead me through all of the steps, and while I had no idea what I was doing, we had fun, and I really enjoyed being there with her. The thought of calling her "mom" rose up again, and I almost used it once or twice. Just the thought that this woman cared about me, at least a little, left me thrilled to the point of adoration. Cathy was only 5'4", with bright brown eyes and soft brown hair threaded with an occasional wisp of white, her skin soft, the olive color reflecting her Mediterranean heritage, with a smile that beckoned me to talk to her without the shame that I knew I should feel, but didn't. Covered in flour I helped clean up while she set the table, and as the aroma of baking pies and bread filled the house, I went to wash up. About five, Bill came home to find both Cathy and I in the kitchen cooking dinner, laughing and happy.

"I see you two have manage to get along?" Bill said with a smile.

"We managed" Cathy said, "though I think that you and Elizabeth should talk."

"I agree" came that baritone voice of his, "we have some issues that we need to discuss." Turning to me…"In my office after dinner?"

"Yes sir" was the only answer.

Bill isn't that tall, maybe 5'10" or so, round but not quite fat, with snow white hair that, with his full, white beard, made him look almost cherubic, only the wire framed glasses reminded you of Santa Claus instead. I cleaned up the kitchen while Cathy and Bill talked, then it was time. I walked into his office to see him reading a memo, which he put down as he waved me to shut the door and sit down.

"You and Cathy seem to have hit it off quite well."

"I like her sir, she's the moth…she's been very kind to me sir."

"She tells me that you have been taking illegal drugs. Is that true?"

"They're not illegal sir, they were prescribed!"

"But not for you Elizabeth!" His voice sounded…stronger. "If you want us to help you, we need to know the truth of things, so please, tell me the truth, okay?"

"Yes sir."

"As I understand it, you have the body of a teenage girl. Is that true?"

"Yes sir."

"I see" he said as he sat back. "Then we are to assume that you see yourself as a girl?"

"Yes sir! I have always wanted to be a girl! Always!"

Pausing as he wiped his glasses, he put his elbows on the desk and looked directly at me. "Your parents, they'll miss you?"

"I doubt it sir, except when I'm supposed to get my allowance."

"Why is that Elizabeth?"

"Dad uses the money to buy booze, if he can find the money that is."

"I see. You have some money?"

"It's in a trust my Grandpa left me. I only take $50 a week. Whenl I turn 18, then I get the money."

"How much? Do you know?"

"I'm not sure now, but I think maybe $45,000."

"Hmmm. If we arranged for you to stay here, and I'm not saying we would, not yet anyway, we would insist that you attend school, and Cathy tells me that you like Math and English. What grade are you in?"

"Tenth sir."

"Then you're on winter break right now?"

"Yes sir, until January 12^th."

"Cathy and I, we never had any children, and we're pretty well set in our ways now Elizabeth, however, your Grandfather was a close and dear friend of ours, so I simply cannot let you leave to wander around without some assurance that you'll be okay!" Smiling at me, "A girl huh? Well, I don't understand it, but I will not refute what Cathy told me she saw, so we will assume that you are a girl, for the time being anyway. I think that you should stay here with us until I found out what to do, then we'll talk a bit more."

"Thank you sir! Thank you so much!" In my joy, I leaned over and kissed him, right on the cheek!

"I think Cathy wants to talk to you Elizabeth, I believe she is in the kitchen." He was blushing as I left the office.

As I stepped out of the office I had a feeling, for the first time, that I had found someone that cared about me as a person. My…situation aside, both Cathy and Bill had treated me like a real person, not an object to steal from, abuse or ignore. My hopes soared, and I was smiling when I sat across from Cathy, who immediately began to tell me that in the morning, she and I were going to see that I had some more clothes, possibly a haircut, and certainly some better winter clothes. She sounded like my Grandmother, but when she took my hand it was like having a real mother touch me. In my excited state, I started to cry, gently at first, then, when she took me into her arms, harder. Her calming manner and stroking of my hair made me feel wanted, and I put my arms around her in an embrace I never wanted to let go of.

Later as I lay in bed I prayed that I would be able to stay with Bill and Cathy. I had almost told Bill that I thought of Cathy as a mother, but managed to choke it back before I made a fool of myself. If they decided that I had to go back home there would be nothing I could do about it, except run away again. As I drifted off to sleep I had visions of calling them mom, and dad.

The next morning Cathy was almost ruthless as she demanded that I strip, "naked" she told me, while holding a tape in her hand. I did what she said, embarrassed to let her see just how pitiful a man, or a girl, I really was, but she ignored that as she measured me in so many places that I was beginning to think that she was goofing with me! But, wearing my jeans and the new blouse, she and I left the house. The sun was out, melting the thin layer of snow on the streets. I saw people cleaning the last vestiges of snow from sidewalks, and others spreading salt. It was good to be outside, refreshing in a way, but maybe that was because Cathy was with me. I was safe.

My hair was down to the middle of my back, parted in the middle, only the waves in my hair showing any sign of life. I had not cut it in a long time because I couldn't afford it, and it enhanced my vision of myself as a girl. I had my ears pierced long ago, and still wore the same pair of studs. Cathy pulled into a small plaza, parked, and I followed her inside of a small building that turned out to be a beautyshop. Words were exchanged and the woman came to get me. Once I was seated in her chair, the very first thing she did was grab a hand full of my hair, and chopped it off! I started to say something, but she told me it would be alright, and began to style my hair in ways that I had only dreamed of before. Cutting it even shorter, she began to use some sort of chemical on my hair, then after a long wait, she put in some rollers and sat me under the dryer. Like a dream, it was finally happening, and I reveled in just being there, as a girl, and getting my hair done! Then she cleaned my nails, filing them to a rounded tip, then painted them a soft plum color. Cathy sat reading a magazine while I was being worked on, but I saw her peeking at me a few times, and smiled back at her.

My once dirty blonde hair had been turned into a strawberry blond, shorter, with waves framing my face and cute little bangs that fell straight across my forehead.

"This is very easy to take care of honey, just wash it and use a blow dryer. It should pop back into place almost on its own. Okay?"

"Oh" I said, "I love it! Thank you so much!"

Cathy paid the bill, letting me lead the way to the car, then it was off to a huge shopping mart, one of those outlet places, where I got a lesson in buying clothes, starting with how to get the proper fit in undergarments. I was allowed to pick out a couple of skirts with blouses and a dress, while Cathy selected a coat, some winter boots, and some slacks. She bought me another pair of shoes, black flats, plus some pantyhose, panties and another bra, then we stopped for lunch. After that it was perfume, makeup and a few pieces of jewelry. There was no way I could ever repay either Bill or Cathy for what they were doing, but I vowed to try. When we got home Cathy told me to change, "and make yourself pretty for Bill, he has a soft spot for pretty girls."

As soon as I was in my room I quickly undressed, slipped on new panties, the new bra, then pantyhose before I went in the bathroom to try my hand at makeup. The foundation covered well enough, and while my mint green eye shadow went on okay, I was shaky using eyeliner, never having tried it before. I slipped the new dress over my head, zipped it up, then added some of the new perfume and put on some lipstick. Stepping into the new flats, I took a look in the mirror before I stepped out of the room and went to the familyroom where I let Cathy inspect me.

"You're jut darling Elizabeth! That hair style makes you look much better, and a bit of makeup always makes a girl feel better."

Unable to contain it, I hugged her, and told her how much it meant to me to have her help me, then we went to make dinner. The expression on Bill's face when he came home was worth every moment of doubt I ever had when I saw his face. My dress, a soft gray that was soft like a sweater, accented my breasts, while the hem, just above my knees, displayed my legs more than I ever had before. My hair, makeup and nails all contributed to the way I looked, but I stood there, anxiously waiting for some sign that he liked what he saw, then, when I saw him smile at me, I went to him, hugged him tightly, then stood back. Over dinner…

"I called a friend of mine today" Bill said casually, "and asked him to make some inquiries." Opening his small notebook, "Your mother tried to take money out of your trust today, she failed by the way, but she made such a fuss that the police were called and she was arrested. According to the school, you excel in many subjects, but so many of your teachers noted that you looked…unhealthy" was the word, that they were ready to call in Family Social Services to check on you. This same gentleman also made it possible for you to stay with us for a while, until we can sort this all out, so you'll be living with us until a conclusion of some sort is reached. That means that we'll have to enroll you in school here, but since your records won't match the person they'll see, I will have our attorney see what he can do about that. Do you have any questions so far?"

"Ohoo! Thank you so much! I get to stay here? With you?"

"For a while anyway, until we sort this all out." Bill was trying to sound gruff, but I saw Cathy wink at me and smile. "We'll demand a lot of you Elizabeth" Bill said softly, "your room will be your responsibility, but we expect you to keep it in neat order, you will attend all of your classes, no matter what they are, and we expect to see you devote a hundred percent of your efforts to your school work. Then of course, you'll have chores around here."

"It's not" Cathy interrupted, "going to be all drudgery, but we do want you to do your best at whatever it is that you do. In return, we will see that you have everything you need, both at school and your personal needs. Can we agree on that?"

"Oh yes!" I said, overjoyed at the prospect of staying there. "I'll be the best daughter I know how to be, I promise! I'll always do my best!"

"We knew you would Elizabeth, we are counting on it."

Bill, for all of his size, was, deep down, a pussycat. He sounded harsh at times, demanding at other times, yet when he looked at me, I saw a certain glint in his eye, and almost always, the traces of a smile that threatened to break out. Only once had I heard him raise his voice, making it stronger, but I sensed that he did not need to yell, because he commanded by the sheer power of his presence. No bluster, no threats, no yelling, only that soft baritone stating the facts and demanding the truth and observing the obvious. I could learn a lot from him, and swore that I would do whatever it took to remain in the house. Asking me to join him in his office, we took our coffee with us.

"You have a church?" he asked, almost before I sat down.

"Umm…no, but I went to a friends church a few times."

"Cathy and I are Jewish. Do you have any problem with that?"

"No sir, why?"

"Because we need to enter your name on the rolls in the Temple as soon as we settle this…problem you have. As soon as we do that, if we do it, you will be expected to attend classes in order to facilitate your entry into our faith. We won't insist on it, but as a family…"

"I would like that sir."

"And quit" he said with a grin, "calling me sir! You make me feel like I'm an old man!"

"Yes si…of course."

"I think" he told me, "that Cathy is looking forward to having a daughter. I also think she'll try to spoil you, so be on your guard about that, it can be an addiction."

"Like you will?" I asked with a grin.

"Yes dear, just like I will" he said while trying to hold back a smile.

Each day after that Cathy and I would clean the house, and make dinner, and during the day she began to teach me how to sew, cook a bit more, let me use the computer, and generally feel as if I belonged there. We went out and bought a few more clothes, more skirts and another dress plus a pair of black heels, and helped me until I became able to do my own hair and my skills at makeup kept improving to the point that I thought I could create any "look" I wanted. That Friday when Bill came home, he plopped a pile of papers on the table, motioned for us to sit down, then explained them to us.

Under my direction, the FSS investigated your case, and has found your parents unfit to…" He glanced at the paper, "raise said minor child in an atmosphere of trust and growth." He turned the page, "Also under our direction, the FSS and Family Court have," again he referred to the page, "awarded temporary custody of said minor child to the petitioner" Pausing he pointed at he and Cathy, "until such time as the parents of said minor child are able to adequately care for and see to the needs of the minor child." Looking up at me, he grinned. "I guess that you belong to us now! Welcome home Elizabeth."

Seeing that he had a very small and truly unmanly tear in his eye, I leaned over, and wiped it away with my finger, then kissed him gently, right on the lips. We all held hands as he said a prayer for our well being, thanking God for bringing me to them, but really, it was the other way around.

"There are a few more things Elizabeth," Bill told me, "this paper," he held it up, "you'll have to sign. It legally changes your name to Elizabeth Michelle, and this one here changes all of your school records to your new name. So, if you'll sign right here…"

Every emotion I had was bursting, and I broke down in sobs of joy, hugging them both as tightly as I could. The trauma of the past, all those nights home alone were over, and as I looked at Bill and Cathy, it no longer seemed to matter that I was what I called a special girl, they had accepted me the way I was, shown me kindness and love, fed me, cleaned me, then took me in. There was no way I could ever repay them, but I would try. After Cathy and I quit crying, Bill wandered off to his office alone, but that wasn't good enough for me. I followed him, went in the office, and shut the door.

"Bill…?"

He looked up at me and I saw the tears welling in his eyes. I went to him, and with a motion, I sat on his lap, my arms around his neck.

"We had a child once" he said softly, "a girl. Her name was Elizabeth. She died when she was just a baby, and we never had any more. Now, here you are, all grown up! I feel like you…we…"

"It's okay, I understand, and I promise you. You'll never regret this, ever!" As we looked at each other…"Can I call you dad?"

"I think I'd like that Elizabeth."

We sat like that for a few minutes, then…"But I run the house, and as long as you understand that…"

"You know what?" I asked him, "You're just a great big softy! Cathy runs this house and we both know it, but now she has some help!" With a grin, I hopped to my feet, then left the room, his laughter following me out of the room.

I started school, and as time went by we became one, a family of three, not breakable, a family unit that has brought joy to all of us. Bill, dad, really was a softy, and I quickly learned how to bend him, just like mom did, but she was the master at it while I was only practicing. Everything changed as my doctor quickly discovered my secret, then began to regulate my dosages. Cathy seemed livelier, more energetic, and we now do our walk together every night. Dad, well, because of a minor stroke some time back doesn't walk with us, but he is slimming down because of the diet mom and I are on, and we are forcing him to eat.

Dad and I found out, quite by accident that I had a head for his work, and now I work in his office, doing the minor things until I get my license. I turn 18 in a few weeks, and that's when I will physically become the daughter I always have been. But there is a boy, Hiram, that likes me, so maybe, after college, who knows? Maybe mom and dad will be grandparents after all. No matter who I marry, we can adopt, and complete, once and for all, the circle of life that families strive for.

 

 

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© 2001 by Janet Stickney. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.
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