Unspoken Love          by: Janet L. Stickney                Janetlynn17@Hotmail.com

 

I suppose I should have known better when I left the house, but after waiting so long, I just couldn't help myself. I spent almost two hours getting ready for my first debut outside the house, then, drawing in a deep breath, I casually walked outside, got in the car, and left. I never looked better, or felt more afraid in my entire life, yet the exhilaration I felt when the cooler air hit my legs was enough to help me deny the very fear that led to that day. As I drove out of our subdivision I was well aware that a lot of people were out, many that knew me, yet I was confident that since I didn't look like myself, I would be safe. Silly me.

My name is Mike, I just turned 16, I'm 5'7" tall with a slender build, brown hair that touches my shoulders, and I have each ear pierced, like so many of my friends. Most of my friends are into cars, girls, clothes, and desperately trying to talk some girl into having sex with them. Me? I like clothes too, but I want skirts and blouses, dresses and heels, makeup and pantyhose. But that's my best kept secret. Nobody knows, not even my dad. He would freak out.

As I left the area I relaxed, rolled down the window, and let the wind riffle through my hair while my carefully painted nails held the wheel. It was an aimless drive, with no particular destination, so, while simply enjoying my time out, I lost track of time. When I realized my mistake, I also realized that dad would almost certainly be home by the time I returned. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but there was no way I could change, since I had no extra clothes, and even if I could change, the scent of my perfume would give me away. As I turned the car around and headed home, I began to think up all sorts of alibi's, a few really good reasons that would account for my be dressed as a girl, but not one of them sounded the least bit plausible, even to me, so, with a lump the size of a toad in my throat, I turned back onto our street. With dad, I might have survived, for a little while at least, if he was inside that is, but as the house came into view I saw him washing his car in the driveway! That meant that I would have to park on the street, then walk all the way up the driveway, with not only dad, but anyone else that cared to look, able to see me in all my glory.

It's not that I wore something stupid, I had on a dress, a short, dark green mini dress with no sleeves that fit me well enough to show off my figure, my legs were exposed from mid thigh down, and my feet rested in a pair of short black heels. I had done my hair in a pageboy which exposed my dangling earrings, and I wore red lipstick with gloss over it. And, like I said, there also wasn't any way to avoid the scent of the perfume I had on. I had about ten seconds to decide, but there wasn't really any choice. I knew it would be bad no matter what I did, so I simply pulled up in front of the house. I saw dad look at me, saw him recognize the car, then a quizzical look. He didn't know who I was! I opened the door, spun in my seat, and with my knees together, let my heels hit the ground, stepped out, casually pulled my purse to my shoulder, and walked up the driveway. Of course, I had a river of sweat running down my back, and I was about as tense as all get out, but I put up a brave front and soldiered on.

"Hi" dad said as I approached, then he clearly recognized me. His eyes went wide as I stood there for just a moment before I started around him, then he touched my arm, holding me in place. "Don't change" he said, "I'll be right in."

So much for secrecy. Embarrassed, I went in the house, dreading what I just knew was going to happen, but my inner pride had soared when I realized that dad had not recognized me, at least right away. Since I was going to die anyway, I went in the small bath, and touched up my lipstick, feeling that if I was going to die, I wanted to go looking real nice if I could. I saw dad rolling up the hose, and was expecting him to come in when I saw our neighbor walk over, point at my car, then at the house. Dad said something, shrugged his shoulders, and she left. As my adrenaline level subsided, I heard the door creak as it opened, and tensed up again. Dad walked into the room and stood about six feet away, which gave me a little running room if I needed it.

"Sheri wanted to know who the girl was that was driving your car. She needs a baby sitter tonight because her usual girl called and said she couldn't make it." I waited for the other shoe to drop so to speak. "I told her I would ask you if you were interested." Then he motioned for me to turn around, which I did, slowly so my skirt would not flare up. "You look a lot like your mother." He sat down, and told me to do so as well. I sat across the room. "Those are not your mothers clothes, which means that you bought them. Care to tell me just what's going on here Michael?"

"I…I just thought I would try it, that's all, I…"

"That won't do at all Michael, and you know it. Now tell me the truth." Dad sounded…not angry, but, well, tense I guess. "If you were going to "just try it", like you say, then you would not have shaved your arms, worn perfume, and figured out how to make it look like you have boobs." Dad sat back in his chair, staring at me. "Well…?"

I would have preferred taking out my own liver with a dull, rusty grapefruit spoon rather than tell my dad that I wanted to dress as a girl, as often as I could, but…

"I..um…tried it before, once or twice, when mom was home. It's not so bad…I like it…I guess."

"You guess? I don't think so!" he said, "I think that you like dressing as a girl a lot more than that, and based on the way you look, you have been doing this for a long time, certainly long enough for you to decide to buy your own clothes! Maybe I should make you take that babysitting job tonight."

"Aaaah daaaad!"

"Why not? Babysitting isn't that hard, and I'll bet that you can use the money. Besides, you just said that you liked dressing as a girl, and this is a perfect opportunity for you! You'll get to be a girl, and make money at the same time!"

"Do I have to?"

"No, of course not. I only told Sheri that I would ask you. If you can do it, she wants you to call her."

Just as I was about to say no, dad spoke again.

"Tomorrow I have that all day meeting downtown, and I know that you were looking forward to having the day free, but now I know why. It's obvious. Myself, I think you should still have your day tomorrow, but since we both know what you were going to do, anyway, I'll just take you with me, as a girl of course. You can meet everyone, do some shopping, and that way I will know you won't be getting into any trouble! Think of it as a learning experience."

"Oh daaad! What if someone…"

"If you look as good tomorrow as you do now, then there won't be any problem, will there?" Dad paused…"Since you want to dress as a girl, I think I'll give you the chance to do just that. Maybe it will put some sense into you!"

Dad and I stared at each other. He didn't get it, but I was having trouble figuring out why I liked to dress as a girl myself, so I could understand the way he thought. Then he took away my options.

"Shall I call Sheri and tell her you'll be over?"

Dad gave me the chance to say no, then he virtually took it away when he told me that I would have to be with him the next day, dressed as a girl! He did not understand that just by dressing as a girl, it did not mean that I wanted to be one, and by taking me with him, he hoped that I would screw up, get caught, then quit. But I was able to make my own decisions, and my pride would not let me show him any fear, so I nodded my head yes. It was the dumbest thing I ever did.

"By the way," dad asked, "just who do I say is coming?"

I did not want to baby sit for Sheri since she knew me really well. I cut her yard. But dad wasn't in the mood to argue about it, and since I was still alive, I accepted my fate. Swallowing hard, I said, "Carolyn", and dad picked up the phone. He set the time for me, then told me what time I had to be there. Not wanting to wear slacks or jeans because it might help her recognize me, I simply went in the kitchen and made us some sandwiches. Dad was in his office, on the phone, when I went in and set the plate on his desk. He ignored me.

I dreaded going to Sheri's house almost as much as I hated to have dad see me this way. Dad said that I would have to go with him in the morning, as a girl of course, but if I was careful, I might be able to talk him out of that, but there wasn't any doubt at all that I was going to watch Sheri's kids, and she was expecting a girl named Carolyn! It was all I could do to remain calm as the time drew near, because she knew perfectly well that we didn't have any women in our house. Mom was in a sanitarium, and would never get out, I was an only child, a boy, and Sheri knew all of that. I went to my room, and because of my sweating, I took the dress off, then washed up a bit and put on my only other outfit, a skirt and blouse, and changed into my gym shoes. Touching up my makeup, I went back down the stairs, then tossed the dress into the washer. When the clock struck the hour, I looked in at dad, who merely waved his hand at me, and I left.

Taking my purse, and again swallowing hard, I opened the front door, stepped out, and walked next door. Sheri let me in almost at once, gave me a cursory glance, then went about all those things anxious mothers do when they are leaving the kids. I had phone numbers to use, she showed me how to use the television, showed me the snacks the kids could have, then gave me a hug, and left!

The kids, 3 and 5, were both girls, full of youthful energy, which made it a chore just keeping their attention! But after playing a few games then reading them a few stories, they conked out, and I was able to relax. Sheri came home around eleven, paid me, then, just as I was about to leave…

"I saw you leave this afternoon, but did not tell your father that. You look very nice by the way. If you need someone to talk to, you call me…okay?"

"Yes Ma'am. I will. But I doubt that you'll see me again."

"Why don't I believe you Carolyn? You're just as cute as can be, and you know it! So does your dad. I can imagine how your afternoon went when he saw you."

"Yeah, well, thanks, I have to go now."

"Remember, if you need to talk, call me."

"I will, thanks."

When I went in, I put the dress in the dryer then went to my room. As I undressed in the dark silence that surrounded the house, I thought about what dad wanted me to do in the morning. I could say no, and probably make it stick, which was my first thought, then again, dad is just about as stubborn as anyone could get. Against everyone's advice, he and I took care of mom for months, until we simply could not do it any more, then he finally caved in and put her in the sanitarium. She has been there ever since. That was two years ago. Mom has gotten worse, and the drugs can no longer hold back the madness that is taking her. Dad and I bonded real close during mom's slide into madness, and we shared everything, well, almost everything. He never dates, works hard, and simply expects me to do the same. When dad saw me dressed as a girl for the first time, I knew that I had breached our bond, but I was unable to resist the constant lure of my feelings, which is when I got caught well and good. As I looked at my naked body, only my makeup, hair, earrings and perfume to counter what I saw, I felt an overwhelming sense of desire. I denied it, but inside, I wanted nothing more than to be something I could never attain, a girl.

I had two choices for the next day. I could do as dad told me, and be the girl he saw, or I could say no. Dad also had two choices, he could take my no and let me be, or he could insist. It was a toss up between us, but he pays the bills, and could remove all of my privileges if I refused. But if I did do as he wanted, what then? Would he see that as weakness? It was useless to try and play out all the options because there wasn't any answer. All I could do was wait until morning.

When I saw dad the next morning, he once again told me to get dressed, "and look as good as you did yesterday". I started to say no when he merely raised his hand to silence me.

"There seems to be some conflict in your mind. Let me assure you that there isn't any conflict in mine. You will go get dressed, just as I told you, because my daughter Carolyn is coming with me today, and that, as they say, is my final answer! You have about an hour and a half. I'll be waiting."

Like I said, dad was stubborn. With a sigh, I swallowed the fight I had planned on, then went to my room to get ready. When I reappeared in the family room, I once again looked like the girl he saw the day before. Dad opened the front door, and ushered me out to the car, then drove us downtown to his office. I sat there, unsure of what he had in mind, but didn't think he would embarrass me in front of everyone. He had something else in mind, just what, I had no clue. All I knew was that in an office building, probably filled with women of all ages, some who might know me, I would have to be extra careful to act as feminine as possible, or risk "outing" myself! I desperately wanted to ask him, but he remained silent for the entire time, and I didn't want to risk provoking him. It was bad enough as it was!

After he parked the car, he waited while I managed to draw up the nerve to get out, then took me by the elbow, and led me inside the building. My heels clicked on the marble floor as we walked to the elevator, then, just as we got in, a woman joined us. I knew her! Janice worked in dad's office!

"Morning Janice! This is Carolyn. I thought she might want to see our operations, and invited her along."

"Hi Carolyn! Nice to meet you! If you get lost, just ask anybody, they'll point you in the right direction."

Before I could answer the door popped open and dad led me out, then down the hall towards his office. On the way…

"I am not going to put you into any situation that might prove to be embarrassing to either of us, but I do expect you to do your best today. If you want to dress as a girl, I have decided to let you, but we'll do this my way. If you do well today, then maybe I can get you a job here. Filing or something innocuous like that. Would you like to try that?"

"What! You can't be serious? I mean, looking like this once in a while isn't to bad, but every day? Dad, that would be…I can't! If one person found out…No! No way!"

"Don't say anything just yet, wait until you have looked around a little."

I stopped dead in my tracks and grabbed dad's arm. "Dad, it takes a lot of work to look this way! I would have to get up hours earlier just to look passable, let alone the fact that I don't have enough clothes, so the answer is no!"

Dad didn't respond, and as we walked into his office, he introduced me around as Carolyn, not "my daughter Carolyn" like he could have. He showed me around a little, then told me to wander around, and meet him at noon, which was about an hour away. As he slipped into a conference room I stood there, all alone, and feeling as if every eye in the place was on me. My instinct was to move since a moving target is harder to hit, and walked down the hall. Most doors were open, and I could see inside. As I meandered along I was consciously aware of how I walked, moved my arms and so on, and was extra careful. In my zeal to remain anonymous, I never saw her when she walked up and touched my arm.

Turning, I saw a classmate. Janet stood there, her eyes as wide as saucers.

"Mi…"

With a sigh I interrupted her. Since my ass was on fire anyway, I thought, why not go out in style. "Call me Carolyn."

"Okay…Carolyn, why are you dressed like that?"

Since I wasn't going to tell her that I liked it, I told her the truth. "Dad told me too. He said it would be a learning experience, and he was right! What gave me away?"

"Nothing! I have seen you every day since grade school, and I almost didn't make the connection, then I saw your eyes. That's when I was sure it was you."

"You won't tell anyone will you…please? I mean, if this gets out I'm a goner!"

"Who would I tell that would believe me? Just look at you! You have better legs than most girls I know, and that oval face of yours, made up that way, gives you that cute innocent look everyone wants! Geesh! Come on Carolyn, get with it here! You look fantastic, so why not get over all this don't tell anyone stuff!"

"Yeah, I could do that, but when the guys see me they'll…

"Fall all over themselves trying to get into your pants. Face it honey, you got it, and that means they will want it! So, tell me, why did your dad bring you along anyway?"

"He wants me to get a job here. I said no way."

"To bad, we could have some really fun times together."

Janet and walked together, and soon reached the place dad told me to meet him. He was there, saw Janet and I together, and walked over. I introduced him, then he and I left for lunch. Dad didn't say much until we were seated in a booth near the back. When he looked over at me I felt his eyes boring in on me, a sort of frown on his face.

"You surprised me" he said, but when I started to say something, he held up his hand. "When I saw you yesterday I have to admit that I was shocked, because I never thought I would see my own son wearing a dress, but there you were, all decked out, and worse, you looked beautiful! Then, when I asked you about it, all I got was a bunch of half truth's, until I made you tell me the real truth, which is when you admitted that you like to dress this way. In all your life we have always given you the chance to discuss things with us, and even refuse to do things that you didn't want to do, as long as there was a good reason for it. When Sheri wanted you to baby sit, all you had to do was go take a shower, change clothes, and walk over there! What did you do instead? You changed clothes alright, you put on a skirt and blouse!

I'm sure that you would rather have done almost anything else, so why didn't you? You knew that while we might have talked about it, I would not have hurt you, or made you do something stupid, yet you just went ahead and stayed as you were. Then, when I told you that you were coming to work with me, dressed as you are, all I got was a half hearted fight. You're just as stubborn as I am, and you know perfectly well that I would not have forced the issue if you had put your foot down and said no, but you didn't do that. You didn't even manage to put up barely more than a stomp your foot kind of no. In fact, you simply went to your room, changed clothes, and showed up looking like you do now! If, after I saw you this morning, I didn't carry out my threat, and make you come with me, what would that make me? I'm your father! It's my job to teach you responsibility, not let you make your own rules!"

Every word dad spoke hit me hard enough to evoke tears. He didn't sound angry, just disappointed. But he was disappointed that I could not find the courage to say that I liked to dress as a girl, then say no when he demanded it. In my zeal to dress as a girl, I had let my inner desires quench my ability to say no to him. Both he and mom had always run the house, but as I got older and found certain things they liked boring as hell, they had let me stay at home, or with a friend. Now, with mom away, my relationship with dad had become more like partners, yet he was still in charge, and I always knew that. When he told me to stay dressed, I could have, just like he said, simply gone to my room, showered and cleaned up, changed clothes, then faced him, taking whatever he had to say. I didn't do that. Instead, I had, as he noted, put up a weak defense, and succumbed to my desire to be a girl, and his order to stay dressed. I didn't even make any real fuss when he took me to work, I simply did it. Why? I don't know. I just felt…strange as it sounds, safe with him.

"The question" dad said, "is what do we do now?" I had no answer, and he knew it. "That girl, Janet, she knows you?" I nodded my head yes." "I'll say it again" he said, "I never, in my wildest imagination expected to see my son wearing a dress, and I'll even admit that I'm not very fond of the idea. But, I'm not stupid either. I have seen and read about boys like you before, and everything I have heard tells me that you probably won't stop, no matter what I do." He paused, then…"Since it appears that you have no trouble being out in public as a girl, and now that you have let a friend see you this way, is there any reason for me to believe that you'll stop?" I knew the answer to that question, and it was no. I could tell, just looking at dad, that dad also knew the answer to that question. He sat back, looked at me with those eyes of his, then…"Okay then, if you are going to continue to do this, probably more than once in a while I'll guess, I'm going to make you a proposition. There are times when I need, or should have, a female companion, like at some of the conferences I attend, or those dinners Mac is so fond of having. And frankly, I am tired of him trying to set me up with some broad that has no more interest in me beyond a meal ticket." His eyes bore down on me, and I knew what was coming. "I want the truth this time. Is this merely a once in a while thing, or, if I let you, would you dress this way all of the time? I want you to tell me the truth Michael, no matter what it is."

It was the worst question he could have asked me! I always thought that if I had the chance, I would become a girl and never give it up, yet now that the very idea lay between us, I found myself tongue tied. All I had to do was say it. The tension between dad and I grew to almost unbearable proportions as I wondered what to say. While I tried to find the strength to tell him the truth…

"If you had what you needed, could you become a young woman, capable of being my companion, and get away with it?" I was still stunned beyond words. "What I'm asking you is, if I help you, would you, could you, fill in for your mother when the need arises?"

"Dad, I…that's…I'm not sure that I can…!"

"Answer my question Michael. If you had the chance, would you dress as a girl all of the time?"

The specter of being able to dress all the time as a girl overwhelmed me when I thought about it. Every dream, each memory of the ecstasy that filled me every time I got dressed, the scent of my perfume, the way my nylons clad my legs, the gentle swell of my breasts, joined as one, and I looked up at my father. I was about to shatter his vision of me as the strong son, the heir to his own masculinity. I was surprised at how quickly the words came rushing out. "I want to be a girl dad, and I always have."

He looked at me with no expression. "Since I will not be able to help you, maybe, if we asked Sheri, she would help you."

"This is going to be hard" I said, "and expensive. I don't have many clothes. And I'll need a lot of stuff."

He didn't say anything, but nodded his head yes. For me to do what dad had suggested would mean that I would have to be perfect, with no mistakes, not one. That meant hand and arm gestures, walking, a better shape, and even my way of speaking would have to change! When all that sunk in, I sat back in the booth, wondering if it was even possible! Sure, I like to dress as a girl, but the day dad had caught me was the very first day I had gone all out, then actually left the house. I never had to meet anyone, and I was safe inside the car. Sheri didn't seem to bat an eye when I showed up to baby sit, but this morning, at dad's office, I had strained every bit of my will power just to maintain my ability to act like a girl my age, and not be discovered. What he was talking about would thrust me into situations I wasn't ready for, and had no experience with! I could just see a disaster coming, and in my mind, I knew, more than he did, just how hard it is for a male to look and act like a female. I was just ready to say retract my yes, say no, then put this episode behind us, quit dressing, and hope for the best, when Sheri walked up to our booth!

"Hi there!" Sheri sat next to me, still smiling. "I was shopping and stopped in for lunch. I thought I saw you sitting back here! And in case your wondering, the kids are with their father today."

"Hi" I said, my voice strained, because dad had just mentioned her name.

"Carolyn and I" dad said, "were just discussing a mutual problem we have, and your name came up."

"Oh?"

"Everyone" he said, "sitting at this table knows what's going on here, so I won't beat around the bush. I have asked her to tell me the truth, and she finally admitted that she wants to be a girl, and always has. I'll tell you the same thing I told her, I don't understand this, and I'm not even sure I can handle it, but I'll try. I have also asked Carolyn to be my companion when I need her, for selected events that require it, but she is unsure that she can do it, which I fully understand. It's a lot to ask, but I thought that maybe we could both get what we need, and find a way to get past our…individual…concerns."

"I see" Sheri said. "That's a tall order for Carolyn to manage. Just how soon would you need her to be able to do this?"

"Well, Mac is throwing another one of his dinner parties at the end of next month, so that's what? Six weeks I guess."

Sheri looked at me, then at dad, then told me that she and I needed to talk, which is when dad said he would be in his office, Sheri told him she would take me home, so dad left us alone. She started right in by telling me that she did not think it would be very hard for me to fit in at a dinner party, as long as I did everything I could to remove what she called doubt. Then she explained what she meant. Well fitting dresses, a nice figure, good manners, the ability to let the men feel they are in charge, and so on. She also stressed that she thought that the only way I could do this with any degree of skill, was for me to live full time as a girl. Since I had already told dad that was what I wanted, I didn't say anything about that. When I asked her why she and dad didn't…

"Your father and I both have a lot of baggage Carolyn. I have an ex husband that I have to share the kids with, and your mother is still alive. You know your dad is an honorable man, and you also know that he would never do anything as long as your mother is still alive. Besides, we have known each other since college, and we're just good friends now. What your father needs is not what he says it is Carolyn. Maybe he doesn't even realize it. Most men don't. What your father needs is someone to look after Carolyn. You have become independent, and have begun to lean on him less and less, which leaves him standing on the sidelines watching you with almost nothing to do, unless you ask him. As a young woman, you would have no choice but to rely on him, more than you think. Boys will ask you out, you might need a tire changed, simple things like that. I know that you can change a tire, but would you want to do it with long nails and in a short skirt? Unlikely, which is why you'll need him."

"But what if…"

"There are no ifs Carolyn. Either you can do it or you can't. Personally, I think that you can, once you get over the idea that you have to be a strong male. If you accept yourself as a female, then everything will become easier."

"But dad will think less of me!" I almost cried when I said it. "He even told me! He said he was shocked!"

"I'll bet he was more shocked at the way you looked rather than the fact that you were wearing a dress Carolyn. He might not like you wearing dresses, but obviously he has accepted it, which brings us to the next question. Are you willing to take that next step? Are you willing to let your father and I help you explore this girl I see? Or are you ready to crawl back inside of yourself, hide there, and always wonder if you could have been the girl you say you want to be?"

Boy, did I ever want to crawl back inside of myself! But Sheri hit a nerve, and I knew, without any hesitation at all, that if I did not do this, I would be forever locked into the male role that I fit, but wanted to give up. It was all I could do to nod my head yes. Sheri then began to ask me a lot of questions, like how did I create my shape, particularly my hips. I told her, (towels) and answered all of her questions truthfully. By the time we were done the time had flown by. It was almost four! Sheri drove us home, and on the way she told me that she and I would have to find a style that suited me, and work towards achieving it. I had no idea what she had in mind, but accepted the obvious fact that she knew more about being a woman than I did.

I went in the house, dad wasn't there, so I set the table and started dinner. That wasn't anything special, I often did the cooking. I heard dad come in, he said Hi, then joined me for dinner. He never mentioned our talk, but since I had decided, with Sheri's help, to do what he wanted, this would be the only chance I would have to set some ground rules for both of us. For instance, I would have to spend money, lots of it, to have any hope of doing this the way he expects. I told him right out that I would do it, but he would have to pay for everything I needed, which might be expensive. I wasn't sure how much, but clothes are expensive, so… Anyway, he agreed to get me a credit card, gave me his, and told me that as long as I didn't go crazy, I could get what I needed. Not one more word was said about it, although I did catch him staring at me when I took the plates to the kitchen sink.

His initial reaction when he saw me, and later when we talked, was what I expected, what came after that, well, he shocked me for a change! While he watched television I went to my room and began to make a list of what I knew I would need for sure, then a wish list of things that I thought I would like to have. It was a very long list. Janet called around nine and asked me if I wanted to get together, but I begged off, telling her I had a lot of things to do, but promised to call her later. That night, as I lay in bed, I could see myself as this svelte, long legged, sexy, red headed girl in a knock'em dead dress. Then the vision of myself naked came crashing in and ruined it. I had told Sheri I would do this, so I knew that she would do her best to help me, but I had no idea just how far this would go, or even if I could really do it! My buddies, Frank and Greg would never understand, and there was almost no way I could avoid them! When I had mentioned that to Sheri, all she did was laugh, and tell me not to worry! Easy for her to say!

In the morning I did not bother to get dressed, waiting until after breakfast to call Sheri. I could hear the kids in the background, but she told me to wear a skirt and blouse, and be ready to go in an hour. As soon as I was dressed, I grabbed my purse and walked over to her house, just as Frank drove by. That was all I needed. Sheri let me in, then we packed the kids into her van and took them to her mothers for the day. After that, I pulled out my list and read it to her as she drove. I didn't even make it halfway down the list before she stopped me. Then she told me that we were going to see a "specialist" and for me to stop worrying so much. Sheri never said where we were going, but we weren't headed for the mall, that much I knew. When she did stop, it was in front of what looked like an office building.

"Let's go!" she said, waiting as I got out of the car. "My cousin Annie works here. When I called her last night she told me to bring you over, so here we are!"

I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, but cautiously followed her inside. The first person I saw had to be the ugliest guy I ever saw. Tall, almost six foot, about as wide as the desk is deep, with scar on his face, a bald head, and a sort of menacing way about him. Trying not to stare at him, he led us back to where Annie was waiting for us.

"Hi Sheri. This is the girl you mentioned?"

Annie may have looked like a woman, but the voice was all male! The look on my face made Annie laugh.

"Honey, I'm a guy, just like you are! I dress as a woman because it pleases me, and I simply don't care what people think! Now then. Let me get a good look at you."

After a few minutes she spoke again.

"I'd say maybe a small B for the breast, maybe two inches on the rump and an inch, maybe a bit more on the hips. Then of course we'll have to do something about the waist. She has to lose about three inches at least."

Looking at Annie, who had magnificent cleavage, skin that looked smooth as a babies, hips and a well shaped figure, I quickly assumed that she knew someone that could make the items I would need. I was wrong. She would do it herself! When Annie told me to strip, right down to my panties, I glanced over at Sheri who took the hint, and told me she would be back in a few hours. Annie watched as I slowly undressed, waiting until I was wearing just the panties.

"That will be enough for now Carolyn. Come stand over here, and don't move a muscle."

The small round section of the floor I stood on rotated as a thin red light circled my body. It took almost half an hour before I was allowed to put on a robe.

"In case your wondering, I make prosthetic devices for movies, but as a sideline, I also help some of the very special girls that come to me become exactly what they need to be. I make them into women. Watch."

As I watched, she started a computer program, then selected different sections of body parts from a catalog, then, when she put them together, and I was able to see for myself what I would look like with what she had selected. It was simply amazing!

"This will give you a 36/24/36 figure, with a small B cup breast, and best of all, I can add this if you like."

One look was all it took for me to nod my head yes.

"We'll have to get just a few more measurements for that honey, so I'll have to ask you to remove your panties."

What happened next was totally bizarre. I had to put my manhood on a small table, then watched as her little red light flashed back and forth. It took about ten minutes. Then she took some very extensive color matches from all over my body, added them to her file, then ran the program again. It took almost an hour since each piece was made individually, and when I finally saw them, they looked so life like that it was scary! Under her direct supervision, I started with the panty, which is the first time I was completely naked, up close and personal in front of her. The panty looked like a long legged girdle in a way, except that it was the color of my skin. Annie said there was no adhesive needed because it was made to be extra tight, and she was right! Annie rolled it almost inside out, helped me step into it, then yanked it up until it was almost in place.

"This is the tricky part. You'll have to push those inside of yourself, then put that…into this, and push it in as I pull up. Ready?"

I nodded my head yes, pushed my manhood into the small pouch as she pulled the panty up to my waist. All at once it was over. I looked in the mirror and saw what looked like the bottom half of a girl! Even my thighs were a bit thicker at the top, courtesy of the panty. Then came a narrow band that I also stepped into, and when the two of us pulled it up to my waist, there was no visible seam, yet my waist had been compressed to a perfect 24 inches according to Annie. It even had a belly button! Then she attached the breast forms to my chest, the only time she used any adhesive. By the time we were done, I looked exactly like a naked girl my age! Then I had to lay on a table while Annie used a small tool to fit hair to the panty, in the right locations. That took another hour. As I got dressed, Annie had to help me get the bra on over my new and unfamiliar territory, but when I was dressed, I felt an exhilaration run through me that was matched only by the first time I went out of the house as a girl. Everything fit better, from my bra and panties to the blouse and skirt. I was in heaven, until I had to hand her dad's credit card. Even I was staggered by the amount, but it was worth every penny. As I walked around I could feel the way the items made me feel. My chest pulled when my boobs bounced, my legs felt heavier, and my hips and rump plusher. Sheri showed up about twenty minutes later, asked if I were done, then we left.

"Annie has been dressing up as a girl since we were kids. She even went with a friend to his Senior prom! She's a real hoot, and she doesn't care what people think, now, or even back then. She can to that because she is one of the very best in the country at making special costume parts for the stage and movie industry. That's why, in case you're wondering, why I wasn't quite as shocked when I saw you as you thought I might be."

"Where are we going now?"

"I made" Sheri said, "an appointment for you at my salon. You're going to get your hair done, and if you're up to it, your nails, then maybe they can wax your hands and arms plus fix your eyebrows. But don't worry, You can quit at any time, or not have them do something if you're not comfortable with it. Okay?"

"Sure" I said, knowing that I would not refuse them anything, not now, not after I saw myself naked, and looking exactly like a girl! Now that I knew what was possible, I wanted to get it all, and I wanted it as soon as possible. I never gave a thought to anything else, including how dad would react, or what my friends might say. Out it went, all of it, as every dream I ever had about being a girl was coming true. To be honest, I had thought about being a real girl way back in grade school, when I would see the girls in those cute little dresses, then, as I got older and reality set in, I began to dress in secret. Now this. Now I would have the chance to be that girl, and the only thing holding me back was my nerve. I could have everything done except my nails, and simply remove my breast forms, get dressed in my boy clothes, and nobody would ever know. But if I had my nails done, I would be stuck like this for a while, maybe even quite a while. As Sheri drove I had time to think about what I would do once I was in the salon, yet I knew in my heart there was only one answer for me. I would go all out, and whatever happened, well, I did look like a girl now, so who could say that I wasn't what I appeared to be?

Dad was quick to notice the differences, but he didn't ask, and once again we spent a quiet night. In the morning I wore the same skirt and blouse, ate, then went to see Sheri. Her kids weren't there, so we were able to leave right away. I was in the salon for almost two hours, and made another big dent in dad's credit card. My mouse brown hair, which I wanted red, was washed, curled, set, trimmed, clipped and dyed, but not red. The stylist said my coloring wasn't right for that, and suggested auburn instead. My nails were trimmed, filed, and cleaned, then extensions were added and soft plum color polish added. My arms, hands, and eyebrows were waxed, then my makeup was redone. By the time I left, I was a whole new person, inside and out, and felt it in every way. It was as if I had been reborn, and for the first time in my life I felt complete. Sheri smiled at me, then we went back home. On the way…

"What are you going to tell your father?"

"That I have decided to do as he asked me of course!"

"I mean about all the things that Annie made for you."

"Does he have to know?"

"Carolyn, just how long do you think it will be before he catches a glimpse of those boobs you have now? I mean, you have been just two guys together, all alone with each other for a long time now, and I'll bet the neither of you knock when you enter a room,. What if your in the shower? Just how can he miss? And of course, you'll be sitting when you use the bath now, and sooner or later, you two will get at it when he doesn't put the seat up. Believe me, it'll happen, and he will want to know why you're nagging him." I looked at her and caught another one of her smiles. "Then there will be those times when all you have on are panties and a robe, say at breakfast. I could go on and on honey. I don't think I would tell him everything, but I would let him know that the rules of the house have changed, then casually mention that you look like a girl all over. He'll get the message."

Sheri had made it sound easy, but I knew better. In the salon I had soared as high as I ever had, yet now, sitting in the driveway, I felt that familiar sense of shame returning once again. With a pat from Sheri, I opened the door, stepped out, and began to walk to my house. I opened the door, hoping to be alone, but there he was. Dad turned and saw me, then stood up, his mouth open as he stared at me. From my newly done makeup and hair to my now longer nails, then my breasts and hips, I was all girl, inside and out. I was ready to run, yet he held out his hand to me, even as a smile grew on his face. I took his hand and let dad look me over, then…

"I spent a lot of money today dad, a lot!"

"I'll bet! It shows. Is this what you wanted?"

All of my emotions, the fear and shame, elation and joy all bubbled up at one time, and I blurted it out. "Oh dad! You have no idea! I have always wanted to be a girl, and now I am!" The minute I said it I regretted it.

"I can see that. But if you spent a lot of money, where are the clothes?"

"Um…that's for tomorrow. I bought some other things yesterday, and today."

"Like what?"

It was the perfect time for me to tell dad, and set some rules, just like Sheri had told me to do.

"I…um…went to see a specialist yesterday. She made some items for me."

"Like what? He asked, getting a bit edgy.

"Well, she used a laser…"

Then I told dad all about Annie, and what she had made for me, including the fact that I now looked like a girl all over, stressing the word "all". I didn't tell him what Annie told me about the panty, since he didn't need to know, and I did not see any reason to think that I would ever need it anyway. All dad said when I told him the amount I spent was "damn"! Then I told him about the house rules that would have to change, which he accepted really well, since he could see the need for them. On the other hand, he told me that I would have to start working, since he could not afford to keep paying high dollars to support me. I would have to pitch in. He told me that he would get me an application, and set a limit on what I could spend the next day. Grinning to myself, I went to my room, just so I could once again see myself naked. I undressed slowly, doing a sort of strip tease for myself, and when I was naked, I wasn't disappointed. All I saw was a young female standing there.

In the quiet privacy of my room, I let my fingers trace the new me, exploring with cautious anticipation. Everything felt like skin, and was even warm! As I let my fingers trace myself, I carefully pushed it in, and watched as my finger slipped inside of the panty, then, as I moved my finger, feeling each movement, I could imagine a boy, or man, doing this to me. It was a strange thought, since I had never had any inclination towards boys, yet looking in the mirror, I recalled what Sheri had said. That I would need my dad, when "boys will ask you out". Boys? Me? Together? I dismissed the thought of it at once, yet when I looked in the mirror again, I remembered what Janet had said…

……"Just look at you! You have better legs than most girls I know, and that oval face of yours, made up that way, gives you that cute innocent look everyone wants! Geesh! Come on Carolyn, get with it here! You look fantastic, so why not get over all this don't tell anyone stuff!"

I pulled on my panties, put on the bra, then slipped a tee on and grabbed a pair of my jeans. As they slid up my legs I knew they would fit differently, and when I zipped them up, I saw a feminine shape outlined in the front, and the material was stretched over my bum pretty tight. I put on my gym shoes and went down the stairs, ready to walk over and see Sheri. Dad merely waved at me as I headed for the door. I grabbed the handle and pulled it open, only to find Frank standing there, almost falling in the house! He had been about to ring the bell just as I opened the door. His eyes locked on mine, then I saw him smile.

"Hi there! Is Mike here?"

Using my very best feminine voice, "Mike is gone. I'm sorry, but he will be away for a long time."

Frank didn't miss a beat. "Well then! My name is Frank, what's yours?"

"My name is Carolyn. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go now."

"Sure honey! But I'll be back, count on it!"

There was no doubt in my mind that Frank would be back. He had the reputation of being a pain with the girls, and many of them thought he was a joke. I knocked on Sheri's door, and it opened, but it was one of her three footers, Jamie, standing there. The minute she saw me, Jamie grabbed my leg and hung on until I picked her up, which is when Sheri saw me.

"You practicing?" she said in jest.

"No. I came to tell you that I did what you told me. I made the rules, and dad accepted them without any fuss at all." I sat down, holding Jamie on my lap. "I don't think he's very comfortable with me right now Sheri, especially after I told him what we did today. He asked, so I told him that if he ever saw me naked he would not think I was a boy in any way, and that shook him up a little. He also told me that I have to start working if I want to have a lot of stuff. He said I could go shopping tomorrow, but he put a limit on what I could spend."

"We'll manage Carolyn."

Just then Jamie jumped down and ran into her room, and we could hear the kids playing.

"Jamie likes you." Sheri said. "Maybe spending some time as a woman will make you understand that just wearing the clothes isn't enough. You'll have to become a woman, in every sense of the word, and that means that you'll have to learn how to cope around men, specifically boys your own age. Can you do that?"

"Oh I can cope, I just don't think anything will happen, that's all."

"Don't be so silly! Of course you'll have to cope with the boys! Honey, I don't think you understand at all! There are a lot of guys out there that only want to date thin, blond, perky girls, the kind that always fawn over the boys and always seem to be on the edge of doing things they shouldn't. Then there is the great majority of guys out there, the ones that only want a girl they are attracted to, but they want girls that have a level head. The girls that draw those guys, some of them, aren't even pretty in the way you might think, but they have a quality about them that guys find attractive. In your case, you're pretty, but you don't believe it because you have never felt the draw a man can have on a woman."

"But I'm not…I mean I never…"

"Were attracted to boys? Maybe, but they have their uses, and if you learn how to manipulate them, the world of men will lie at your feet. All you have to do is give in a little, not much, just a little. Understand?"

"Yeah. You mean let them kiss me and stuff."

"That's it! That's exactly what I mean! Believe me, as soon as it happens, you'll understand a lot better."

"I hope so" I said, just as Jamie returned, a book in her hand. I read her a story, then went back home.

The next day Sheri and I went shopping, not at the mall, but a discount store, starting with the basics, bras and panties, then shoes, skirts, blouses, nightgowns and tops, dresses, jeans, and two suits. Pantyhose was a must, as was a curling iron and blow dryer, plus makeup that was the same as they used on me in the salon. On the way home we stopped at a furniture store where I priced a small vanity for myself, and put it in layaway. I had everything put away in my room by the time dad got home, and had changed into a pair of my new jeans and the pink pullover top. I went outside, and for the first time in days I got in my car, pulled it into the driveway, and began to wash it. It was refreshing to be outside, dressed as a girl and not have to worry about being "caught". Frank and Greg drove by, then backed up when they saw me. Frank was his usual obnoxious self while Greg stood nearby, watching as Frank got shot down once again. Frank had actually touched me, which I really didn't like, and without a thought, I turned the hose on him. He was dripping water, yelling at me, and generally making an ass of himself when Greg told him to go home, cool off, and change. Unlike Frank, Greg I and knew each other really well, and I was sure that he would figure it out, but he never gave me that "look".

"Hi. I'm Greg. You did a nice job of slamming Frank, he was pissed."

"He shouldn't be touching people he doesn't know then."

"Yeah, well, he's like that." He moved closer. "Frank says that your name is Carolyn?" I nodded my head yes, then…"Where did Mike get off too? Frank said that you told him that Mike would be gone for a long time."

"He's…ummmm…away. I think he's busy finding himself." That much was true anyway.

"I see. You living here with his dad now?"

"For a while, why?"

"No reason, I was just wondering. I might decide to ask you out sometime, I it would be nice to know where you live, that's all."

"And you're assuming that I would say yes."

"Of course" Greg said, his smile gracing his face. "How could you refuse me after you've met Frank?"

"Easy" I said, "I open my mouth and say it!"

"But would you?"

"What?" I asked him, knowing full well what he meant.

"Go out with me?"

"Maybe, I'm not sure just yet."

"Well" he asked, "can I call you later?"

I nodded my head yes, and watched as Greg walked away, turning back to look at me one last time before he turned the corner and moved out of sight. It was my first encounter with Greg, and all he did was virtually ask me out! I finished washing the car, then started on the inside, removing all of the junk that I had accumulated, stuff that only I would have in my car if I were a boy. By the time I was done I was soaking wet, so I went in the house and saw the light flashing on the answering machine. I listened. It was Janet, she wanted to get together. I knew that I had to build friendships, as a girl, and decided to call her. Janet wanted to hit the mall, just walking and poking our noses in to look at things we couldn't afford, then later, go to the teen club. I called her and said I would go, and offered to pick her up, we made the arrangements, then I went to my room to change.

I was sure that Janet would wear something comfortable, yet good enough for the club, so I picked out a tan and white checked skirt with a white pullover top, stripped, and headed for the shower. Washing my new parts was a must according to Annie, so I soaped up as always, then shaved. It was the one thing I hated most, but I didn't have to shave that often yet, yet I still had to be very careful not to nick myself. When I was getting dressed I saw that the stylist was right. My hair almost fell into place on its own, and with just a few strokes of the brush, I had been able to make it look the same. I wore the white, lace trimmed demicup bra and white panties, and I can tell you, it was a great relief not to have to struggle with padding any more. My pantyhose fit better, and my legs looked great! I did my makeup, pulled the skirt on, and slipped the top over my head, then stepped into the short heeled shoes.

Earrings,, a thin necklace, my new watch, some perfume, then my lipstick, and I was ready to go. Looking in the mirror very carefully one last time, I saw that my skirt was short, like so many of the girls wore. Almost mid thigh, it showed off my legs just like I hoped it would. Just below my waist I had the familiar bulge that girls have. My breasts poked out against the thin top, the trace outline of my bra just visible. With a smile I left my room. Dad had come home, and saw me. It was the first dad had seen me with my new hairstyle.

"Wow!" dad said when he saw me, "You look better than ever! Are you going out?"

"Thanks dad, I'm going malling with Janet, then later we're going to the club on tenth."

"Okay, just be home by midnight."

"What! I usually get to stay out until one!"

"Boys don't have quite the same problems girls do Carolyn, and girls should be in at a reasonable hour. It's midnight, or stay at home I'm afraid."

"Daaad!"

"Midnight, and I mean it!"

There wasn't any use arguing this one, so I nodded my head yes, and left to pick up Janet. Dad was now beginning to see me as a girl, and had immediately set new rules for me. I suppose that was both good, and bad. Good because he would be able to cope with the new me better, bad because now he was starting to become more protective, which was new to me. I did not want to find out what dad kind of new rules dad had in mind next, and didn't feel like provoking him to find out. Janet and I meandered through the mall, just browsing, until we hit one of those high priced lingerie shops. There wasn't anything in the store that I didn't want, but there was this one item, a very sheer, thin black corselet like wisp of almost nothing that I really liked. With some prodding from the clerk, I grabbed Janet and we went into the changing booth. She was about to become the only person besides Annie and I that had seen me virtually naked, which is what I wanted to happen. After she took one look at me, she would not be able to tell anyone that I was a boy, or had ever been one! I heard her gasp as my clothes hit the floor, then after I had the outfit on, she simply grinned at me.

"Damn girl! You look fantastic! Care to tell me…"

"No, I won't, and as far as you know, I am a girl and always have been, right?"

"Yeah, sure, of course. How could I say anything else? I mean, I just saw you get naked, right in front of me!"

After that, we had a great time, and I found myself drawn into her way of speaking, acting, and then, giggling. It was an exhilarating experience, and I loved it. Yet, as Janet drew me further into the life of a girl and the enjoyment they had, deep inside, I knew that I was just a boy in a dress with some clever help to make me look like a girl. As much as I wanted to deny it, and even with all of the help I had, the very thought of it nagged at the back of my mind, like an itch you can't scratch. But, I also knew that the problem was not with my physical being, I certainly looked like a girl, it was with the other kids that would see me. Telling Greg that I was away finding myself was the only thing I could think of at that moment. Taking his place, I reemerged as Carolyn, supposedly a girl, and Greg seemed to buy it. But where did I come from? Just what was my relationship with Mike? Living there, driving the same car? Someone would figure it out, and my only protection was the fact that Janet had seen me naked, and could truthfully say that I was a girl. Somehow, somewhere, somebody would find, or figure out who I really was, and my carefully created façade would come crashing down.

Janet seemed to accept the new me easily, and after she saw me almost naked, her whole demeanor changed. It was as if a light went on in her head, and all at once I became just one of her girlfriends rather than someone she knew that was now wearing dresses. As we drove to the club I grew apprehensive, because my knowledge of being a girl in a crowd of teens was zilch, and the thought of having to deal with guys, like a girl would, scared me. In all of my visions of myself as a girl, I never had put a boy in there, ever. It was always just myself, dressed as a girl, doing things like I had just done with Janet. Now, I was about to be thrust into the maelstrom that defined teenage angst, boys and girls together. I let Janet lead the way as we walked in, but I had a smile on my face. I used that smile to hide my fears.

Janet and I walked into the dark club, the sounds of the music thumping from the speakers, bouncing from the walls, surrounding us in a constant din that was mixed with the flashing of the strobe lights, the general chatter, click of glasses and once in a while, the high pitched shriek of a girl. Before we even made it to a table Frank sidled up beside me, slipped his arm around my waist, and pulled me close to him. Once again, he was proving to be a pest, so with a smile at him, I pulled his index finger back until it hurt enough for him to yank his arm away. Without a word Janet and I made our way deeper into the club, found a table, and sat down. I had no idea at the time that my appearance at the club with reverberate throughout the months ahead. Frank, nursing his sore finger, sat with his buddies, Greg, Bill, who we called Bucky, and Jeff. Janet was asked to dance, then, within a few minutes a guy I didn't know asked me. After my initial clumsiness, I got the hang of it, and began to enjoy myself. Janet and I danced with several different guys, then Jeff asked me to dance. I had a wonderful time as soon as I let go of my innate fear of discovery.

On the way out of the club we saw Frank with some guys I did not know, so Janet and I started towards the car rather quickly. I did not want a scene with Frank. But, it was unavoidable. In a lightning move Frank grabbed me from behind as one of his friends yanked Janet aside. His hand was on my blouse, ready to tear it I think, his other hand holding me close to him, close enough that I could smell the liquor on his breath. As I struggled to get in a better position, Frank forced a kiss on me, which is when I kicked him in the ankle. He yowled, but didn't let go. Then, all at once, Frank was yanked backwards like a rag doll. Turning, I saw Bucky holding Frank by the throat, his right hand, doubled into a tight fist, cocked and ready. When the punch landed, Frank seemed to straighten out, and when Bucky let go, he fell to the ground in a loose heap.

The guy holding Janet saw Frank drop to the ground, let her go, and took off running, leaving Janet and I panting from sudden fear, then, before I could say a word, not even thanks, I saw Bucky simply walk away! Several girls ran up to us while Jeff and Greg merely walked over, took one look at Frank, then made sure I was okay, and left! I got in my car as quickly as I could, and we left. I was a bundle of raw nerves on the way to Janet's house, unable to make sense of what Frank had done. Janet, also a bit scared, was getting that determined look on her face, and from past experience, I knew that she was going to make an issue of Frank and his wandering hands. But I managed to make her promise not to do anything that would give me away, but not before she gave me a withering look. I never truly relaxed until I was in the house, and even then, and as much as I wanted to avoid it, dad saw me standing there, shaking.

All at once he was all dad, and demanded that I tell him what had happened, which is when it all came out. Blubbering like a baby, it all came out in a rush, and like some little girl that had been unable to protect herself, I told my dad what had happened. I was more than ashamed to say that I was unable to protect myself. No matter what I wore, I was, under it all, still a boy, and yet, I had to tell my dad just how scared I was. It was almost as bad as telling him that I wanted to be a girl, maybe even worse. After I had told dad about what happened, He hugged me, stroked my hair, and told me to go to bed. He said that he would take care of it the next day. I did not ask what he was going to do.

I lay in bed feeling like a quivering bowl of cowardice. Frank wasn't that much bigger than me, and while he might have won, he would certainly know that he had to work for it, but no. I didn't do anything. I had a restless night, and in the morning slipped on my jeans and a top, prepared to be reamed out by my dad. But he didn't do what I expected.

"You tell me that you look like a girl, all over, you had your hair done, you have long nails, and if memory serves me right, you had on heels last night. On top of that, Frank jumped you from behind. You do know that girls, as a rule, can't stand up to a guy there own age don't you?"

"Yeyyess?"

"Then you did the right thing, didn't you?"

"I…I…guess."

"You did tell me that you managed to kick him, right?"

"Yes! In the ankle!"

"Could you, as Mike, take him?"

"Probably not, he's tough."

"Then whatever makes you think you could take him in heels! Carolyn, you never had a chance! Plus, it was probably the best thing you could have done if you want to convince everyone that you're a girl! This fellow Bucky, did he say anything?"

"Not" I said, "a word dad. He just punched him in the face, watched Frank fall, then made sure I was okay, and left!"

Dad hugged me again, then told me to change, we were going to visit mom. I wore a nice skirt, blouse and heels with small earrings. Dad drove us to the sanitarium, then we went in to see mom. I wasn't worried, since she rarely if ever recognized either of us any more, and spent her days staring out into space. The minute I saw mom I knew that she was worse than ever before. Her eyes were sunken and red, her hands in mittens wrapped with gauze. She looked at dad, and I saw what could have been a flicker of recognition, before the look died, stillborn in the madness she held. Then she looked at me, carefully letting her eyes roam from head to toe and back, a smile came to her face, and I reached out to touch her. She jumped back like an animal, her eyes on us as if we would harm her.

"Pretty girl" she said all at once, the only words she had spoken in months. I reached out to her, but she recoiled and drifted into the world she kept within. As we watched her, she seemed to draw herself inward until there was only a body there. My mother, dad's wife, was gone, and she would never return. Gaunt, with her hair brushed out, she looked like a lost little girl in every way. Bedraggled, haggard, and thin, mom could not weigh more than 80 pounds. I had tears in my eyes when we left. My hand firmly holding dads, we left her to the care of the hospital, knowing the end was near, but for her, and us, it would, sadly, be a relief. To see her crawling on the floor like an animal, usually growling, not speaking, her hands wrapped for her own protection, sent dad into convulsions, his shaking sobs only relieved when she spoke those two words. But hope for a renewal of her mind was well past the possible, and we both knew it. Only the drugs let her find enough rest to quell the demons that tormented her.

Seeing my mother in such torment made my problems seem so minor that I was ashamed to think that I had any problems. I had my father, Janet, and Sheri to help me, and possibly another. I looked back one more time, and saw mom sitting in the corner as the door swung closed. I gripped my dad's hand hard, but he said nothing as we both wondered just how long mom could last that way. I drove us home, stopping for lunch at a small out of the way restaurant. Over lunch neither of us said much, but as the coffee was delivered…

"Watching you for the last few days has made me aware of just how much this means to you Carolyn. The way you walk, act, look, everything, it has all changed, including some of the expressions you're using, which I'm sure you didn't realize. As much as I never expected my son to turn out to be a girl, and as much as I didn't like it, I have to say that you have changed my mind about boys that want to be girls. I always thought that if I had a daughter, she would be just like you." There was nothing I could say to that, so I remained silent. "Since it is plainly obvious to me that you will not willingly return to being a boy, I guess I can accept the fact that I now have that daughter I always wanted. How about we start all over again? Let me be the father you think I am rather than the fool I was when you told me about Carolyn.?

Dad had reached out, and I took his hand in mine even as we both shed tears. "Mom" I said, and he assured me that he did not want me to replace her, he only wanted me to become the woman I said I was. It had been like climbing a steep hill looking for El Dorado, only to find that the treasure was right where you started. Dad paid the bill, hugged me again, and we left. On the way home, I mentioned the vanity I had looked at, then he told me I could have mom's, plus anything in her jewelry box that I could use. It was his way of finally admitting that mom was not coming home, ever. When we got home there were 17 messages on our recorder, and as dad and I listened to them, we found out that Frank had a broken jaw, his nose was an inch out of place, and his wrist was sprained. Janet was the sender of most of the messages, so I called her back to get the word.

"You won't believe it" Janet said, "Bucky crunched Frank so hard that he's in the hospital! His dad was making a lot of noise about it until the cops got involved. Greg, Kim, that skinny redhead and I all told them what happened, and I heard that Frank's dad decided to make an issue of it. Wow! If you ever had any idea of keeping a low profile, forget it honey, once the cops get involved, everything comes out. The only reason they haven't talked to you is because I told them that you went to see your mom at the hospital, but I'll bet that by the end of the day they'll be at your house, so be prepared…okay?"

"Okay Janet, thanks. I'll tell my dad, bye."

Well, I told dad just before the cops showed up at our house. I let them in, but refused to say what happened unless dad was there with me. There were two cops, a man and a woman, both young. When I told them what happened, the woman moved to the edge of her chair, and looked right at me.

"There has" she said, "been an allegation that you're not…what I mean is that you're not what you seem to be."

"Just what" dad said angrily, "is my daughter supposed to be then?"

"It has been alleged that your daughter is your son sir." the male cop said it, and got an angry look from the woman.

"We can settle this rather quickly young lady," the female cop said, "if you and I can go somewhere private…"

"And do what?" Dad was really angry now. "Strip? Just to prove she's a female?"

"Well yes. If she is not a female, then this guy Frank might be able to make a valid reason for attacking her. He says she came on to him, and when he responded to her overtures, she had him worked over. If you are a male, then it adds credence to his story."

"With all of the other witnesses? I doubt that officer." Dad was standing by then. He looked at me. "Well? It's up to you Carolyn, but myself, I'd tell them to take a hike!"

"It's okay dad. We'll use my room. Come on" I said, waving at the female cop.

Ten minutes later we returned. I had removed my blouse but not my bra, my skirt and pantyhose but not my panties. It was enough to convince her, and they left, telling me not to worry. But I was worried, because someone had seen through the makeup, and saw the real me. Either that, or my story about Mike being away while I just showed up, was never taken as the truth. After the cops left dad and I looked at each other, and all at once, we both started to laugh! I now had official certification that I was a female, and whether anyone knew it or not, that alone was enough to help me get the right identification I would need to work, drive and so on, all as a girl! I called Janet as soon as they left, and asked her to come over, then asked dad to help me get a new drivers license. He said we could do it in the morning. Janet arrived about twenty minutes later, and we went to my room, where I told her what had happened. She thought it was a hoot.

With my dad with me, I had no trouble getting a new drivers license, then, I went with dad to his office and applied for a job. I ended up as a clerk. Working as a girl was very strange at first, as I had to get used to the way the women all gossiped. About men, babies, sex, and each other, but I managed. After my third day at work, when I got home, Sheri brought over a bouquet of flowers that had been delivered to me! All the note said was: "For the prettiest girl I ever met". It was unsigned, and I had no clue who sent them. I was sure that Janet knew, but she insisted that she didn't, then dad began to rib me about it. As the days went on I became used to doing my hair quickly, and doing my makeup was easier, but the drag of getting dressed took longer. In the office I was expected to wear business attire, which meant pantyhose, and a nice skirt and blouse, a suit, of a dress with a hem no higher than an inch above my knees. All in all, it took me three times as long to get ready compared to BC (before Carolyn).

Twice more I got flowers, but I just couldn't find out who was sending them! Dad was teasing me about it of course, and Sheri wanted all the details, but I couldn't tell either of them anything! My adoption of the feminine way of life was changing me, and as much as I had always said that I wasn't interested in boys, it was clear that I was leaning that way. After getting the flowers, I took a good look at myself, and decided that having a boyfriend wasn't so odd for a 16 year old girl. All I had to do was forget that I used to be a boy, which wasn't all that hard when I looked in the mirror. I was at the club with Janet and Kim when, according to Jeff, Frank was at home, and mad as hell. His little plan to discredit me had failed, then, when he his dad went after Bucky, the cops said he had no standing, as Bucky was just being a "Good Samaritan", and was protected in law. Jeff also let it casually drop that Bucky thought that I was just about the prettiest girl he had ever seen, which made me think that he was the one sending the flowers. Bucky is big and strong, not bad looking, but just about as shy as possible. I knew Bucky well enough to know that for him to send me flowers, well, it would be more than just a whim, it would be the supreme first step out of his shyness.

When he beat Frank to a pulp, it was the very first time any of us had seen Bucky actually get mad, and when he did, it was truly an awesome sight. With Frank lying on the parking lot out cold, Bucky wasn't even breathing hard! Since none of us had ever seen him get mad before, nobody had anything to say, and simply parted as he walked away. I was guessing about the flowers of course, but Kim and Jeff both thought that Bucky had it big time for me, and the flowers were his way of telling me. Like I said, by the time I found this out I had been living as a girl for over a month, and had begun to adopt a females point of view about guys and life in general, and this was my chance to find out just how far I would go in my guise as an eligible female, but I was very nervous, even as I admitted it to myself. Sheri had once told me that I would come to a crossroads, and I would have to decide whether I was a girl, or a boy in a dress, and I had finally reached that point.

When I found out just how much my viewpoint had changed, I knew that I had developed a sort of attraction for some guys, but not knowing why, I had dismissed those thoughts immediately. I wasn't one of those girls that could stand sideways and look like a stick with bumps out the front, like you see on television, my figure was wider, fuller, healthier looking, which is why I was sure that there would never be a guy that would find me attractive, even if I was in denial. Those flowers changed everything I had believed about myself, and the revelation of it came over me all at once.

That Saturday night, Janet, Kim and I went to the club, and as we sat there, I saw Bucky come in with Greg and Jennifer, Greg's sister. They sat at a table across the room, and the minute they sat down both Janet and Kim were poking me, urging me to go talk to Bucky.

"He saved your bacon girl! The very least you can do is thank him! Now get your cute little butt over there, and talk to the guy!"

Kim was very insistent, but I held back. My dad had told me that even if I were interested, not to chase after a guy, but to wait and let them come to me. But Janet and Kim were saying the opposite, and I was stuck to my chair. Then Jeff simply took my hand and stood up. I rose with him, thinking he wanted to dance, but no. He pointed at Bucky, and told me to go talk to him. By then, with everyone watching me, I almost didn't have a choice, so I stepped away from the table, and made my way across the room. I had my hands clutched tightly in front of me as I walked across the room, the strobe hitting me once in a while, highlighting the fear I just knew was in my eyes. Finally, I stood in front of them, but looking only at Bucky. Greg, without a word, took his sisters hand, and left the table, telling us they were going to mingle. Bucky looked like a scared little boy, his eyes were wide, and his mouth open, but no words came out. I had to do something, so I sat down next to him. That's when I realized Bucky was scared almost as much as I was!

"Thanks" I said, "for helping me when Frank…"

"Frank is a fool, and all I did was make him stop."

"Oh no! You did more than that Bucky…Bill, you saved me from an animal, and I want to thank you." Then it happened, sort of spontaneously, without the slightest thought. I leaned over and kiss him, gently, right on the lips. "Thank you Bill."

He did not respond at first, then his hand moved to cover mine, moving until he held my hand in his, then a smile broke out on his face. His eyes were bright, his smile wide, and for the first time, I heard him laugh, which made him seem less huge. He and I had exhausted ourselves just getting to this point, but for me, it was worth it. I had never looked on Bill as anything other than a guy that was big and strong before this, yet a new sense of my power as a woman arose, and I saw him as much more. Not a boyfriend so much as a very dear friend, one that I felt close to in many ways I could not explain. He and I were alike, but we didn't know it. I wasn't quite as shy, but I carried around a secret that had always kept me aloof in a lot of ways. Bill was just plain shy, but always polite to a fault, and always available if someone needed help. Somehow, I knew the two of us together could help each other, which came to me all at once. It was like a light came on, illuminating our needs, and the answer lay right in front of us! But it would be up to me to drag him to that same understanding, not as a lover, but as my closest friend.

"Lets dance Bu…Bill."

"I…I can't…I don't…not very well anyway, but thanks."

"No is the wrong answer kiddo! I want to dance, and I want you to be my partner! Come on…don't let me down now!"

I took his hand in mine and stood up, leaving him without any alternative. He walked with me to the dance floor just as the music became slow, so I moved close, and let his natural tendency to put his arms out take over. A full head taller than I was, I rested my head on his chest as we virtually stood in one place and swayed back and forth. His energy, his strength, all of his masculinity was there, palpable in the aura that he seemed to have around himself. With my head on his chest, I could hear his heart beating, almost as fast as my own. When he relaxed a little, I felt his arms get tighter, and for some reason, I felt very safe, and very feminine. Later, as we sat at the table, I wanted to ask him about the flowers, but did not want to embarrass him, so I merely let him hold my hand. When it was time to leave he walked me to the car, but never moved to kiss me, or even hug me, which, in a way, disappointed me. On the way home I wondered if I did something wrong, and that surprised me.

Janet and Kim both told me that I had Bucky wound around my little finger, but I wasn't so sure. Bucky never once gave me any reason to think that he thought of me as more than a friend, yet maybe, they were right. That night, for the first time in my life, I had a dream about myself and a boy, and I wasn't the least bit worried about it. The next day as a matter of fact, I went to the mall and bought a very sexy black nightgown and robe set, plus a cute pink babydoll pajama set. I knew when I woke that morning that I had made it across the chasm that lay between myself, and what I was, and I reveled in it. I was woman, and there wasn't any lingering doubt in my mind about it.

I went with dad to that dinner party, but I was not the little girl he expected. I wore my newest dress, a black sleeveless sheath that was very low cut in the front, with a short hemline. Under that I wore a black Pushemup bra which made it look as if my breasts were just laying there, ready to pop out, black panties and black patent leather heels. I had my hair done in a French twist, my nails painted a muted purple. I looked 25, but better was the reaction I got from my dad when he saw me. It was a fun evening, and Mac's wife didn't try to stick some woman on dad, although there was a single lone female at the buffet later. She would not have lasted very long anyway.

As the time to start school drew closer Bill finally called me, and after a bit of stammering, asked me out. Of course, I said yes instantly. We went to a show, and afterwards, for a burger. Then, on the way home I expected him to stop, but when he pulled up in front of my house, I knew that I would have to take action myself, which is when I leaned over and kissed him, not once, but twice before he took me into his arms, then kissed me back. For both of us, it was a new beginning, one that continues to this day. I had a chance to meet his parents the following week, when he took me to his house. His father, just as big as Bill, was just like his son. He was a big teddy bear, and it did not take me long to figure out how to be the perfect girl for his son. His mother was overjoyed that Bill had finally found someone, and went out of her way to make me feel at home, and it worked.

By the time I started school, Bill and I were seeing each other on a regular basis, which made Janet grin whenever she looked at me, while dad had come to think of me as his daughter. It wasn't all that strange a relationship when I look back on it. Dad loved me, and while he had to swallow his initial dislike of seeing me as a girl, he never once chided me for it after he told me how he felt. Bill broke out of his shell, which helped me gather the strength to be myself, and when I enrolled, I went as Carolyn, and not one word was said, by anyone. I had to visit Annie once in a while, and even had another set of items made, just in case, but I wasn't so sure that I needed them to be a woman. It was after all, just a mindset, and I had that already.

That unspoken love I had, from dad, my friends, and Bill of course, made me the woman I am today, and I would not change one day of my journey. It was worth every moment.

 

© 2000

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