Unjustly Accused

By Lorraine B.
© 2001

 

WARNING: A brief note to the readers this story does contain scenes of Rape as well as descriptions of mutilation of the male genitalia.

To The Reader: I as a Rape or Sexual Assault Counselor for both men, women and children, see Rape as one of the most heinous of crimes done to the human body by another human being. Many of the victims have or will undergo years of intensive therapy just to be able to function again within society after their physical/medical needs are met. Their dreams are continual nightmares of this dastardly action. This Story is dedicated to all those victims. May They Sleep Undisturbed. May They All Feel Loved. I Too Am A Survivor, I cry with them all.

 

My story is one perhaps all of you have heard at one time or another. Besides haven’t you ever heard there is never a guilty person in prison, they’re all innocent.

Well this time I was a person that was tried by vigilantes and almost convicted by our wonderful judicial system that said I was guilty of a capitol crime. I wasn’t! I survived them, their attack and our judicial system.

 

I will not give you my old name or the location that the crime was supposedly committed. The pain and anguish run deep within that community. I will tell you that my name for this story is Jaime Pierson. I do live somewhere on the eastern seaboard of the United States.

I am also eighteen years old now. I will tell you also that I was brought into this world as a male. I am now totally a female, have a fiancé that I love dearly. I will also tell you of the death of my best friend, and adopted sister Claudia Sacks. Along with following the career footsteps of my mother and my other older adopted sister.

My story starts when I was fourteen almost fifteen. I would have to say that I was a normal boy who noticed all things beautifully physical about girls. I never thought for a moment that I would become a female. I was infatuated with the opposite sex. I looked forward to ritualistic dating and perhaps even to have sex with a girl. I guess that is what’s called pubescent hormonal fantasy.

School was just about to end; Summer Vacation was just about to start. I was so looking forward to the fishing, riding my bike, baseball all the things young boys do.

The town we lived in was fairly new to me. Dad was just transferred here from another part of the country to manage the manufacturing plant for the company he works for. Mom is a Registered Trauma Nurse that just started working the Emergency Room at the local hospital.

I remember it was on a Tuesday early evening. Dad was still at work. I was doing my chores to help Mom out around the house. Just because I helped my mom out didn’t mean I was effeminate or gay. I was just a boy that accepted responsibility doing what I was asked to do.

The house was fairly soundproof but I thought I heard a scream. A girl’s scream! For some unknown reason, I continued to do my chores and not investigate the source.

There was a knock at the door. Having lived in the big city for most of my young life, you learn to be careful about opening doors. I looked through the peephole first.

I saw a large man in a khaki uniform with a badge on his shirt. I carefully opened the door to see what he wanted. It was then that I saw several police cars and an ambulance at the neighbor’s house next door.

"Do you live here, son? Are you alone?" the officer asked.

"Yes Sir."

"Did you hear anything unusual within the last hour?"

"No Sir. Wait a minute, I thought I heard a scream but I wasn’t sure. Why?"

"Well the neighbor girl Claudia Sacks, was physically assaulted. She’s pretty banged up and unconscious. We also think she may have been sexually assaulted. Did you see anyone near their house?"

"No, I’ve been busy doing my chores that my Mom left me to do. I thought I heard the scream while I was in the basement doing the laundry."

I saw that everything I was saying was being written down. When I said laundry, he gave me a real strange look. It reminded me of Dad’s look when I did something I wasn’t supposed to do.

"Thanks for answering my questions. There might be a detective coming to talk to you later."

When the Cop left, I shut the door, going directly to the telephone. I called both Mom and Dad telling them what happened. Mom said that Claudia was still unconscious, but her condition was stable. Dad said to make sure the house was locked up and me safe inside of it. I was not to answer the door for anyone.

I folded all of the laundry placing it on Mom and Dad’s bed. I went to my room lying on the bed. I picked up a book I had started reading earlier. I just couldn’t concentrate.

 

Claudia and I were just passing acquaintances although we lived right next to each other. We said hello to each other and that was it. She’s a pretty, 17-year-old girl being all of 5’3" with a well-proportioned body. She has Reddish brown hair below her shoulders, sun bronzed tanned skin and deep piercing green eyes. She has a voice that could melt butter. She is the fantasy of any teenage boy’s sexual dreams and/or fantasies.

I in comparison to her physical description was about the same (Including eye, hair color and hair length.) except for the female well-proportioned body and height as I was still barely five-foot. We had been compared as brother and sister many times at school and by our parents.

I had also overheard that some of the kids referred to me as her younger sister in a teasing way. This tended to make the both of us feel very uneasy considering I was a boy. Perhaps that was why she often gave me the Cold Shoulder ignoring me completely.

I was really sorry to hear of her condition. Mom had confirmed later to me she had been raped. I didn’t doubt what she said as she was Claudia’s attending nurse in the ER. She also said that Claudia’s recovery would be very long and hard emotionally when she woke up. The human body has ways of shutting down to basically regenerate itself from certain traumas.

Mom had no doubt that she would be a survivor of this very traumatic episode of her life. Mom had made it perfectly clear for us all to be available to her when and if she wanted to talk about what had happened.

I went to see Claudia every day when she was in the hospital. I had a feeling of guilt. I felt that perhaps I might have been able to help or to stop her from getting injured. It didn’t matter if she was comatose or not, I spoke to her as if she was awake because of my feelings. The doctors later said that there was a good possibility she would come out of her coma at anytime.

 

One day as I was there visiting her, reading a book outloud. She suddenly opened her eyes! She took my hand into her hand weakly and smiled. I kissed her on the forehead then I ran from the room to let the desk staff know she was awake. Everyone rushed in and I was thrown out.

We both seemed to bond to each other as she recuperated. We found out we had many of the same interests, such as music and the love of reading. It also seemed that we had picked up each other’s mannerisms and speaking habits. We truly did act as siblings!

There wasn’t a day that went by that a Cop didn’t show up to speak to her and me. What I couldn’t understand was why me? I didn’t know anything!

Initially Claudia told them she had just entered the house after visiting her friend Pamela. She didn’t feel safe when she entered through the door but entered the house anyway.

As she entered the kitchen, she was hit in the stomach and the head several times. That was when she screamed and went unconscious. Claudia stated to the Cops that she had never once seen her attacker. She tried to keep her head down to protect herself from the massive blows being struck upon her.

It was finally told to her by the detective that when she was found her clothing was cut from her body. There were massive bruises everywhere including her thighs, breast and viginal area. When she arrived at the hospital, forensic evidence was collected. It was verified she had been raped during her physical examination. The evidence was sealed and sent to the Crime Lab for preservation and classification. The department procedure was not to disclose this information except to the victim. Not even in the case of a minor!

I saw her eyes open in disbelief! She grabbed tightly onto her mother’s and my hands. She buried her head sobbing into her mother’s breast. That damn insensitive Bastard of a Cop just kept eyeing the situation of Claudia being held by her mother and me. I gave him a look that could kill. Claudia’s mother yelled for him to get out of the room.

 

Claudia calmed down after he left. The three of us managed to talk to each other.

"Mom, did you know what happened?" Claudia asked as she started to cry.

"No Honey, they wouldn’t even discuss anything with me or your Dad. All they said was it was police business and stay away from their investigation. Your father is very angry right now. I’m afraid he’s going to get really mad now."

Claudia’s mom was right he went to the States Attorney and other politicians demanding justice for his daughter. They must have heard him and applied pressure to the detectives.

In the meantime, Claudia had several pregnancy tests done during her stay in the hospital. The last test came back positive. She was pregnant! One of the hospitals Psychiatrists and a physician came and broke the news to her.

Claudia was told all her options including an abortion since the baby was conceived as a result of a rape. The physician and psychiatrist were very close to being thrown out of the room by Claudia’s father and mother. Claudia seemed to be the one in control saying she would keep the baby after its birth. After all, the baby was also a part of her. That was the pure love of a mother speaking. Claudia would always have my respect after that day.

Claudia came home from the hospital shortly thereafter. She seemed hesitant at first to enter her own house until I took her by the hand leading her in.

All in the neighborhood knew what had happened to her. All showed her support and love in every possible way. She was coming out of her shell, becoming her old jubilant self. Her smile could light up a room that was dark. We became so close we were inseparable. We were best friends for life! Our parents were pleased with this event. To us it felt as if we had four parents and eight grandparents. We both always felt loved.

 

I had just come home from Claudia’s house saying hello to my mom and dad. There was a knock on the door, which mom answered. I happened to be in the kitchen having a snack.

I did hear voices in the living room that were angry but I couldn’t hear what was being said.

Mom came into the kitchen with one of the Detectives saying, "Sweetie, Detective Thomas would like you to go with him to the hospital for some tests. If you don’t go he’ll arrest you and take you there forcibly."

I was in a state of shock. Me a suspect? Why? I kept my anger under control. For some reason, I knew things could get worse. This situation sucked the big one but like mom said, he’ll take me forcibly.

Dad came into the kitchen on the run saying, "Son I just spoke to Claudia’s dad. He’s calling his attorney as we speak and will meet you at the hospital. You are not to say anything to anyone until you speak to the attorney. His name is Shapiro."

I started to cry. Both mom and Dad tried to comfort me. The detective said we had to go leading me to a Marked Patrol Car in front of the house.

As he opened the back door for me, Claudia came running to me saying, "I know you didn’t rape me. You’ve helped me so much. Daddy’s trying to help you now. I love you!"

I got into the back seat as Detective Thomas slammed the door. Claudia placed her hand on the car window I did the same. I smiled at her as we pulled from the curb. Claudia cried heavily until both of our parents came to console her.

On the way to the hospital, not a word was shared between Detective Thomas and myself. As we got closer to the hospital, I didn’t know why I was getting nervous the only reasoning I had was I hated needles.

We made it to the hospital pulling into the parking spot reserved for police vehicles. Detective Thomas shut the engine off, got out, then opened my door. We walked through a side door entering the hospital.

 

As soon as we entered a short pudgy, man identified himself as Joshua Shapiro my attorney.

"Did they ask you any questions?" he asked.

"No."

"Good, you let me speak for you. We’ll speak later without the cop present."

We went into a lab area. The tech took samples of my hair, pubic hair, skin, blood, sperm, Dental bite patterns and saliva. I was finished at last. The Detective left me with Mr. Shapiro, as I wasn’t charged yet. I felt dirty and violated. I could imagine how Claudia must have felt throughout her ordeal.

I was very angry. Mr. Shapiro took me to his car making small talk all the way to a coffeehouse he liked. We seated ourselves at a back booth in the restaurant.

"Not to insult you but I have to know, did you do it?"

I was insulted by that query. I told him exactly where I was and what I was doing when Claudia was attacked. He was satisfied with my answer. He said he was positive I wasn’t guilty of the assault and rape. He did say that after a few telephone calls to some of his contacts they all said that I was the prime suspect in the crime.

They further said that a forensic psychologist was brought into the case as a consultant. He was the one that pointed the finger at me. I became the prime suspect due to the amount of time I spent with Claudia. He said it was a guilt complex that I was silently making amends to the victim of my crime. That’s a psychologist for you, nothing like quasi medicos getting into the act.

This was unbelievable; totally inconceivable that I was a suspect due to this man’s thinking. I stayed with Claudia due to my concern for her. Perhaps I did have a guilt complex but that was due to me not responding to help her fend off her attacker.

Mr. Shapiro and I left the restaurant taking me home. As he drove we talked about all sorts of things which included my favorite subject, fishing.

When we pulled in front of the house, the lights were on with many people inside. I noticed that the cars near our house all belonged to the neighbors. I had to assume it was our neighbors in the house.

Mr. Shapiro and I got out of the car going directly inside the house. Claudia was the first to see me. She ran directly to me taking me into her arms. For the moment, I felt secure and safe until family and our neighbors surrounded me.

Mr. Shapiro suddenly took our parents into the kitchen while I tried to answer any and all questions to our neighbors. Claudia was at my side holding my hand giving me moral support. We never spoke but I believe that she knew my thoughts.

Within ten minutes everyone came form the kitchen with Mr. Shapiro saying, "Jaime, and everyone there is no doubt in my mind that you are not the perpetrator of the crimes against Claudia. However, because of what the psychologist has said may mean that the police will intensify their investigation of you and try to build a case. As of this moment, they intrinsically have no case and very few leads.

We are not out of the clear yet, not until there is official notification from the police department that you are no longer considered a suspect.

Up until that time you are never to be alone for any reason. The more people around you the better. If you are called anywhere by the police, I am to be called immediately. Your mom and dad have my telephone numbers, as do Claudia’s parents. My Private Investigator will be in touch with all the neighbors talking to them."

With those words, Mr. Shapiro left the house. Little did we know that while we had been in the restaurant and my house the Laboratory Comparative Analysis had begun with the samples taken from Claudia and me.

 

In the state police lab one of the technicians had just come in from lunch. It was her birthday so everyone in the lab went with her to celebrate. They all had several alcoholic beverages, which was against policy. They weren’t drunk but maybe a bit tipsy.

That same technician was given the task of doing the analysis. Somehow, during the process the samples became tainted. The results showed a match between the perpetrator and my samples. The local police were then advised and a preliminary report faxed to them. They in turn notified the States Attorney Office to proceed with the legal determination of the case.

During mid-evening, a judge or magistrate was contacted by the Assistant States Attorney. Based upon the forensic evidence presented, a bench warrant was issued for my immediate arrest on the charges of assault, rape and attempted murder.

I remember the chain of events quite well, as this was a difficult period in my life. These events will always haunt me to my very being. These events made me mature sooner then I was supposed to. It was and is the harsh or stark realities of life.

I had just lain down on my bed after thanking all the neighbors for their support. I was reassured by Claudia and her parents not to worry as they left for the night. There was a heavy knocking at the front door.

It was the police! They had a warrant for my arrest. Mom and dad argued with them until they threatened to arrest them for obstruction of justice. I heard the commotion and came out to see what was going on.

A police officer came to each side of me with one reaching behind his back. The other officer asked my name and birth date. When I gave them the information I was handcuffed after one officer nodded to the other. They then read me my Miranda Rights as they walked me to a waiting patrol car.

 

Somehow present, were several vultures we call the news media. Already they were blinding me with their camera lights as I walked. Neighbors were coming from their homes to see what was going on. Several neighbors were threatened with arrest if they came near the patrol car as they argued with the police officers. Several of the neighbors that voiced their opinions where arrested. What ever happened to Free Speech guaranteed by the Amendments to the Constitution?

Several more patrol cars careened around the corner and down the street. I was afraid that someone would be hurt especially when several officers (and I use that term loosely!) pulled their weapons from their holsters. The official excuse given later was they were fearful of bodily harm at a near riot situation.

Yeah, Right! They had the guns! They were ready to use them against unarmed citizens! It would be brought out later to another Federal judge, hearing a Civil Rights Lawsuit against the police department. Videotape would be shown as evidence later to that judge. The news team that was there took it. The police officers actions that night showed they were ready to use Deadly Force against unarmed citizens. That tape clearly showed close up evidence of several officers tightening their fingers on the triggers of their service weapon readying to shoot.

I was taken in that patrol car to the County Jail being turned over to the Sheriffs. My personal possessions were inventoried and taken. That even included the earring studs in both my ears. I was stripped search having even my anus checked for contraband, given a shower, searched again, dressed in an Orange Jumpsuit, underwear and slippers.

They then photographed and fingerprinted me. I was totally humiliated with these procedures that dehumanized the human spirit. I was angry but I dared not show it. These guards looked as if they could do some very serious harm to my small body. Cooperation was the key word in this situation.

 

They gave me one bedsheet and a natty old gray blanket placing me in a cell with no windows. The cell was perhaps four-foot by eight foot. My sink and commode were of one-piece stainless steel construction. The bed frame was constructed of welded steel with no springs, essentially just a slab. There was a mattress made of foam covered with some type of material that could have been plastic in nature. It was gray, cracked with holes, and smelled bad.

As the heavy solid metal door shut behind me the realization of jail struck a new chord. I made the bed, laid down and cried myself to an uneasy sleep with the lights on all night.

The next day I was awakened for breakfast with it being passed through a slot in the door. Whatever it was it was not fit for human consumption. I left it alone going back to my bed.

Several hours later I heard a key in the locking assembly being turned. A guard motioned me to come out telling me I was going to court.

I walked out of the cell and was told to stop. I heard chains rattling in the guard’s hands. A chain was wrapped around my waist with handcuffs attached. My wrists were placed into these so I could not move. Another set of these manacles were placed on my ankles. These had a longer chain but still cut my stride as I walked. Running would be next to impossible in these restraints.

They lead me to the courthouse next door to the jail. Before I entered, I saw many people gathered most of these people had video cameras. I assumed they were the Vultures again here to pick my bones. I felt as if I was running a gauntlet as I was brought through the doors. They were throwing all types of questions at me. I didn’t reply to one of them.

We had finally entered the doors of the courthouse. Mr. Shapiro was standing just inside. I assumed he was waiting for me to come.

 

Mr. Shapiro went to one of my guards and said something. He then led me to a room filled with all types of what appeared to be law books. The Guards followed and released me from all my restraints. It felt great to have them off I thought as I sat down.

"Are you alright?" Mr. Shapiro asked.

All I could do was nod my head yes.

"You’re going to a Bail Bond Hearing before a magistrate. I’m going to see if we can get you out of here today until the Trial. If this case goes to trial! I haven’t seen the Disclosure of what evidence they have supposedly against you. Just be patient and don’t be nervous or afraid."

There was a knock on the door with the guard and a bailiff walking in to tell us the magistrate was ready. I again was led to a small ornately wooden designed courtroom. It was filled past capacity with my neighbors, family and friends. Dad, mom and Claudia were there also to give me support sitting in the front row. Claudia smiled at me but I could see only sorrow in her eyes.

I was seated at one of two tables looking toward a bench that was elevated. I assumed the judge would be sitting there. Mr. Shapiro finally came into the courtroom with another man and woman. Mr. Shapiro sat next to me grasping my hand, while the man and woman sat at the other table.

The bailiff walked into the Courtroom followed by the judge and the court reporter. The opening remarks were made by the prosecutors as to why bail should be denied. One of the reasons given was I was a Flight Risk, an alleged rapist and not psychologically sound. The look on the judge’s face was impassive as the prosecutor made their closing remarks.

Finally Mr. Shapiro stood giving a rousing oratory that would have made Mr. Webster proud. He countered the prosecutors allegations with a fierceness that made them cringe in their seats. They both realized that they were outclassed.

Mr. Shapiro was a down and dirty street fighter, this court of law was his street and he owned this turf. He literally dared the Prosecutors to start a battle of wits. He was the type that chews them up and spits them out.

I gazed intently upon the face of the judge his face still showed no emotion. Finally he spoke saying, "In view of the fact that this young man has never had any dealings with any law enforcement or legal problems. He has a steady home environment with caring and loving parents, family and friends. Their support is quite evident in this courtroom today. Therefore, it is the decision of this court that bail be posted for the amount of fifty thousand dollars. The Pre Trial hearing will be in two days from this date at ten am. Since the capital court docket is clear and the prosecution says they are ready to proceed. This court stands adjourned."

With a flourish of his robes, he disappeared back into his office chambers behind the courtroom. The bail bond hearing was over. Mr. Shapiro took my hand, shaking it. Everyone came to hug me. The Prosecutors had the looks that they both wanted to do bodily harm to me as they left angrily from the courtroom.

All I could do was think that this ordeal was not over. Of course, I was sad. Especially since I was told, I had to go back to the County Jail until a Bondsman was obtained and the paperwork completed.

I was back at the Jail in far less time then it took to get to the courthouse. The bondsman was there in the reception area as we (The guards and myself.) walked in. I signed some papers, changed back into my own clothes, and retrieved my personal effects. With the paperwork completed the bondsman and I walked out the doors together into the waiting arms of my loving parents.

"Are you alright?" Mom asked as she and dad hugged me.

"Sure, let’s go home so I can take a shower and burn these clothes, please."

On the way home all I could think of was how happy I was to be free again. I know it was selfish of me but jail is not a very . . . cheerful place to be. My thoughts ran the gamut of why they (Meaning the judicial system.) were out to hang me for a crime I did not, would not and could never commit to another human being. My parents must have felt my mood; they left me alone with my thoughts. Not a single word was spoken in the car all the way home.

As we turned the corner onto the street our house was on, many of our neighbors including Claudia were waiting. More of the neighbors came from their homes as we pulled into the driveway.

Claudia came running to the car yanking my car door open. As I came out, she engulfed me into her arms at the same time sobbing.

"I’m so sorry they’re doing this to you. It’s all my fault!" She said as she cried.

"No, it’s not your fault." I said trying to reassure her.

We stayed together that way as all the neighbors came to my parents and us giving their support. Claudia’s parents Terri and Phil came also to us with sorrow in their eyes.

"Son, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you and your parents. I never realized that you would be arrested due to the pressure I placed onto those people." Claudia’s father said sadly on the verge of tears.

Releasing Claudia I went up to him and gave him a hug. At a time like this who cares about the machismo crap. I hugged this man, as I would do to my own father, which he returned.

I had no contempt or anger for Claudia’s parents for their actions. I would have done the same if I had a daughter and she was pregnant from a rape. He wanted justice for his daughter, only the scales of the blind lady where off balance and I was hanging from them.

When he released me, everyone seemed to close in on me giving me the support that I needed.

Mr. Markowitz from across the street came to me handing me a check saying, "We, all your neighbors haven’t really known you or your family for that long of time. We all feel that there has been some type of mistake. You’ve proven to us that you have a kind and generous heart.

 

When you moved into your house, you always helped around the neighbor’s homes when they needed it. You never expected or asked for anything in return for your help. You where always there for Claudia when she was in the hospital.

We decided we all wanted to help you. With this check, we asked your Mother and Father to hire an additional Private Investigator through your attorney, Mr. Shapiro. At this moment that man is at work for you on this case."

I was astounded to say the least. The outpouring of love was evident in all the eyes of those that were present. My emotional factor was at its peak. I was so overwhelmed I was crying.

Gazing around I happened to notice that a Video Camera was visible. There was a lady holding it with another lady holding a boom style microphone. These ladies were wearing vests that were from the local television station. They managed to get closer to me.

"Dad, How come they’re here?"

"I don’t know, but I’ll find out." Dad said as he walked toward them.

Claudia her mom, dad, and my mom stayed by my side. Little by little the neighbors left going back to their homes. I thanked each one of them for their support. I could see my dad talking to the television station newscrew. Every once in awhile they would pan the camera in my direction. This didn’t bother me at all, as long as I was left alone.

Dad finished with them, coming back to us saying, "Mr. Shapiro was the person that called them. They asked some questions which I answered for Jaime. They were amazed by the support the neighbors showed for him. I believe we now have some members of the electronics media on our side."

"I just wish this was over. All of you know I didn’t do what they’re saying I did."

 

"We all know you didn’t do anything to Claudia. Even the neighbors know it! Mr. Shapiro would not have taken your case if he had the slightest inkling you were guilty or lied to him. That man is very perceptive when it comes to someone that lies to him." Claudia’s dad said as he brought Claudia and me closer to him.

My parents have always loved me. There was never any problem that has ever arisen that I felt I couldn’t speak to them about. They seemed to know my moods better then I. I could feel that same type of love being generated from Claudia’s parents.

I excused myself from everyone’s attention claiming to need a shower and a change of clothes. What I really wanted was to sterilize myself from the smell of that jail.

Within thirty minutes I had showered and changed into fresh clothing. With the lingering smell of jail gone from my body, I took my dirty clothes out to the laundry room. I placed them into the washer with just two fingers holding them. They reeked from with that jailhouse smell!

As my clothes were being washed, I went to the kitchen adjacent to the laundry room. I was famished! I had just finished Nuking my sandwich when my two Moms’ and Claudia walked in. As I sat at the table feasting on a Italian roast beef sandwich, Sport Peppers, gardiniere on Italian Bread and a diet Pepsi.

"We thought we heard you in here. While you were in the shower Mr. Shapiro telephoned. He wants you to get a new suit for court." My mom said smiling.

"C’mon sweetie, finish your sandwich and we’ll take you." My adopted mom said also smiling.

"C’mon Little Bro’, Scarf it down." Claudia said with a smile.

In a way, I was looking to get away from the house. I still felt a bit claustrophobic after my ordeal. The idea of being by and with other people seem to calm me.

 

The three women sat with me as I ate. I truthfully answered all their questions about my night in jail. They were appalled as to the conditions and my treatment. They could also see I was very uncomfortable about speaking of my experiences. The subject was eventually dropped to my relief.

I was finishing my sandwich and soda as they talked about the mall. I just know this is going to suck! I wanted to just stay at home in some ways but in other ways as I said I needed to get out amongst people.

Our dad’s somehow had managed to get out of this excursion by running off to the golf course. They too needed a diversion from the past events. They seemed to know that our mom’s could handle buying me a suit with taste.

We had made it to the mall in just over 30 minutes. The parking areas were somewhat full closest to the stores. We didn’t mind the long walk to the main entrance.

Once inside we headed to the largest men’s shop there. After trying on ten or twenty suits, my mother made a decision which ones she liked. I had to concur with her taste. At last, we all made a decision on a dark gray double-breasted pinstripe with a reversible vest suit. The clerk said it would be ready in about two hours, as it needed to be altered to fit me better. While the clerk was speaking my stomach was gurgling.

When we departed the shop, I had noticed a group of about six young men pointing and watching us. They looked to be in their late teens or early twenties in age and well dressed. I didn’t say a word to mom about them.

"Let’s all go in here. They have a sixty percent off sale on everything from their summer stock." Mom said as I groaned inside.

"Mom why don’t you go ahead without me."

"What’s the matter? You always used to go in the stores with me before."

"I need to be excused. Those Sport Peppers combined with the gardinière is really getting the best of me. I’ll meet you at the coffee shop."

"Are you sure you’ll be okay, Sweetie?"

"Sure mom."

When I left them mom had a worried look on her face. I was more concerned about finding the lavatory. I had to stop a security guard and ask directions to it. Within a matter of minutes, I was seated in a stall relieving myself.

I was cleaning myself up when the locked door suddenly flew open hitting me very hard on the head. The blow partially stunned me; all I heard was a male voice say the word rapist. That one word caused me to want to fight.

I couldn’t fight as I was dragged from the stall with my pants and underwear around my ankles.

"Yeah it’s him! The one on the news we saw that raped that girl." A blond haired boy said as he hit me in the stomach.

"You Fucking Scumbag! Your no better then a sack of shit." A dark haired boy said hitting me in the eye with his fist.

One after the other beat me throughout my body until I was on the verge of unconsciousness. I hurt in more places then I could imagine. The onslaught of their punches continued to batter my small body. I fought to stay conscious! I wanted to remember each and every one of their faces.

I could barely see, due to my eyes being swollen almost shut. The pain was very intense throughout my body. There was pain in the area of my rib cage. Either several of my ribs were bruised or broken. I had a difficult time breathing at times even gasping for air. I had blood coming from my nose, mouth and distended lips.

I was next forcibly put to my knees. Oh no! I thought they want me to fellate them. Was I ever wrong! They each took their turn raping me leaving their sperm deposits deep in me ripping my sphincter muscle apart.

 

They also raped my swollen mouth and throat with their penises, making me swallow their sperm. They did this in pairs one raping me from behind and another raping my mouth. Oh please, someone help me. Stop these animals! Please! My mind seemed to go blank. Time had stood still for me.

I tried to fight one of my attackers by biting down on his cock. That seemed to make that person more aggressive. He stuck his swollen member deep into my throat causing me to gag hard. I remembered them sitting atop me. I remember excruciating pain throughout my body centering in the groin area. Darkness enveloped my semi-conscious mind.

I was at last saved from further pain and degradation as I passed out from the internal injuries I had received. I was partially conscious when I heard a voice try to comfort me. The pain! The excruciating pain! The taste of blood and semen! Time stood still!

"It’s alright now, the ambulance is coming. Lie still, don’t move. We got those bastards! They’ll hang for what they did to you."

Again, my mind went into darkness. There was no pain in this darkness just a soothing sensation. Although I did see a bright light, seemingly come to the edge of this darkness. What did they do to me? Am I dead? Where are my parents? Why is there no noise? I seemed to be still floating instead of walking. I was headed toward a bright light.

As I edged closer, the light appeared to be getting further away. The darkness was once again closing in. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to leave this plane of existence. My essence was still earthly bound!

I heard a voice, no voices! It was my mother. I heard another voice it was Claudia. I heard other sounds of men and a woman talking too. It was both our parents. I am alive!

It was at this time I started to choke from the tube going from a machine to my lungs. It was a ventilator helping me breathe the air of life. I coughed which brought pain to my body. I seemed to have caused a commotion. I could hear that there were people running from all over the place.

I couldn’t see with my eyes! Was I blinded? No, those are bandages covering them. I heard many machines nearby making a vast multitude of electronic noise. I felt the tube being extracted from my mouth relieving the pressure that was in my chest. My heart seemed to be racing. Good, it was slowing! It was then that I heard the beeps matching my beating heart. I was hooked up to a cardiac monitor.

I was in a hospital! I was alive! I tried to talk but no words would come.

"Jaime, don’t try to talk yet. Give your throat a rest for a bit." I heard a sweet young feminine voice say.

"Jaime this is Gloria, I work with your mom, sweetie. You’re in the Intensive Care Unit. You came to us by Medevac Helicopter after your assault. You almost died on us; you really gave us a scare. You’ve been in a coma for two weeks. Now please rest your amongst the living again." Gloria said touching my hand with a gentile yet firm hand.

My Lord! Coma! Two weeks! Almost died! What the hell happened to me? Then it came to me in a rush. I relived every waking moment of my degradation at the hands of my assailants. I relived the pain! Oh lord the pain! I still felt it! It was then that I realized how much pain I still had. Although it was deadened by the medication coming through the I.V. line, it was still felt.

"Jaime Honey, I placed a Call Button right next to your right hand. If you need anything, please press the button. Do you think you can swallow? Just move your head." Gloria said.

I shook my head to tell her yes. My mouth was dry and my lips felt cracked. She placed a few ice chips into my mouth. She then wiped my lips with a swab that contained glycerin and tasted like lemons. This lady was the best!

"I have to check on a few other patients but I’ll be back and stay with you until your mother comes back." Gloria said.

 

By the time Gloria came back I had finished my ice chips. I raised my hand very slowly to my mouth motioning to her I wanted more. I savored the coolness of that ice that melted in my mouth giving life back to my chemical filled body. I may have even cracked a small smile.

I heard movement coming through the door of my room turning my head slightly at the sounds.

"I see that your hearing has not been affected. I’m Doctor Carolyn Ward one of your attending physicians. Would you like those bandages taken off your eyes?"

I nodded my head indicating yes. In a few minutes all the bandages were removed. Everything was still out of shape and focus. It was still terribly dark in the room to complicate matters. I did manage to see some movement. That in itself was better then not seeing at all.

"Okay Jaime I’m going to be shining a bright light into your eyes. I want to see if there is any damage and how your eyes are healing. Okay?"

I nodded my head again as she pulled an Otoscope from her pocket and adjusted the head of it after turning it on. I may not have been able to see too clearly but when that high intensity light hit my right and then my left eye it made me jump. It was at this time that I felt a great deal of movement and additional weight in my chest area, which I couldn’t see yet. I wasn’t ready to start exploring my body yet to see if I had all my parts.

"Jaime there doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage to your eyes. I want you to wear these glasses for a few days. They’ll help you to focus and insure that the sunlight doesn’t do any damage. I imagine in a few days you’ll even be able to read again."

Doctor Ward began to unwrap something, placing them on my face. I could feel that the lenses were of a large oval shape similar to fashion sunglasses worn by women. I could care less what they looked like if they protected my eyes so I could see again.

"Okay Gloria, let a little light into the room."

 

With those words the light came streaming into the room. I managed to make out some shapes even though everything was blurred and a bit fuzzy. Gradually the fuzziness seemed to come into focus. Things seemed a bit dark but I could see. I smiled a bit.

"I take it you can see a little better."

I just nodded my head yes. I motioned for a pen and paper. I was getting tired but I still wanted to know precisely what happened. There were questions in my mind that needed to be answered.

"Honey, I know you have questions but for now you need to recover your strength. There are many people that want to see you. For now they’ll have to wait a few days." Gloria said taking one of my hands into her’s gently.

"Gloria is right, we want you to rest. Gain your strength first. I’ll be back later to check in on you but Gloria will stay with you until your mom comes. She sends her love to you." Doctor Ward said taking my other hand into hers.

Gloria closed the blinds in the room. Not too much longer I was sound asleep. The medication in the I. V.’s making its magic taking me back to a dreamless sleep.

I couldn’t tell what time of the day or night it was when I awoke. I opened my eyes very slowly still wearing my dark glasses. This time I was able to see more normally. I even saw my mother sitting in a chair.

I decided to try to speak, "Mom" I said very softly in a raspy very weak voice.

"Sssh Darling, I’m here. Do you want some water or ice chips?"

"Water, please."

Mom brought me a glass with a straw. I tilted my head to take the angled straw into my mouth drawing in the liquid. When I moved I felt that same sensation on my chest again.

What the hell is it? They don’t have me wrapped up! I don’t feel constrained!

I picked up the paper and pen writing: What’s wrong with my chest? I’m numb between my legs! I really hurt! What happened?

"Sweetie, we’ll talk later when you are stronger. You almost died on us several times. You took a massive beating from those boys. Your body needs to rest now. Okay?" She said smiling and kissing my forehead.

When she kissed me I felt a tear hit my face. I didn’t know at the time, it was a tear of relief and joy. I watched as she adjusted the control valve on the I.V. bag. I was fast asleep in minutes with no pain.

I was like this for several more days. Each time I woke up I was a bit stronger. Mom was pleased that I was progressing in my recovery. The doctors and nurses were also pleased. I was just happy to be alive! The pain was a reminder that I was alive as my medication was being lessened. As the medication was lessened, my nightmares came reliving my attack.

I grew stronger day by day until I was moved to another room out of the ICU on to a general floor. I had a steady stream of visitors even when I was up there. Claudia, her parents, grand parents and my parents and grand parents came everyday without fail. All the neighbors came to see me. I noticed that when they spoke everyone’s speech seemed to be guarded. This also included my doctors and the nurses. I couldn’t take it anymore!

"Mom, what is going on? Why are people acting so strangely around me? To coin one of your phrases, is my slip showing?"

I knew something was not right when everyone surrounded me. Claudia, both mom’s and dad’s along with eight grandparents. They all had tears in their eyes. Was I going to die? What the hell was it?

Mom was the first to speak saying, "Jaime we have never kept anything from you in your entire young life. We all love you dearly and always will.

This was the one time that we decided not to tell you everything because of your frail health."

"Tell me what? Am I going to die or something?"

"Sugar"

Oh shit, when mom uses that endearment it was bad, real bad. I just knew I had to keep my composure.

"Sugar, when those boys beat and assaulted you they took a part of you that could not be saved, mended or replaced. The doctors all tried but there was too much damage done."

I interrupted saying, "What damage? What did they do?"

"Sweetie, when we sent the Security Guards to find you those boys had beat you severely. I don’t know how to tell you this but they also cut your penis and testicles off. The guards told me that they had actually shoved them into your mouth shutting off your breathing. You almost died from asphyxiation! You were also in shock not only from the rape but from the loss of blood."

I began to cry as this disclosure was made to me. This was hard to believe that people could be as cruel as those boys had been to me. The thought occurred to me that I could never have children or to please a woman sexually. How would I urinate now, through a hose? May those Bastards die a harsh and terrible death. Did I really want them to die? Yes!

Mom continued with sadness in her voice, close to crying herself by saying, "When the Paramedics arrived I was already in the restroom trying to stabilize you. The bleeding was stopped and your penis was packed in a wet towel. We assessed your trauma and decided to call for the helicopter. It would’ve taken too long to get you here by ground ambulance.

Doctor Groton took you to surgery as soon as you arrived, trying to reattach your penis. The testicles where smashed but they manage to find a donor set from a nearby hospital organ bank. He did everything he could but something went wrong they believed it was traumatic cellular and nerve damage or deterioration. It had to be amputated!

 

We were called back to the hospital and asked to make a decision on your behalf although, it is an experimental procedure. We did make that decision giving the surgeons our permission. We love you and wanted to see you have a normal life."

"Mom, what are you trying to say. Don’t beat around the bush! I’m a eunuch now aren’t I?"

"Sweetie, when you asked before if your slip is showing you took me by surprise. Now you’ll have to wear them with your dresses."

Did I just hear my mom correctly? Dresses? That explains why I have a Foley catheter in me. I saw the name on the package it was wrapped in. Women normally are the only ones that Foley’s are used on. Vagina! That explains the weight on my chest. That explains the added movement. Implants! Breasts! That explains the I.V. still in my arm. Hormones! That explains the pink hospital gown, robe and slippers. My mouth dropped! My brain went from neutral to Supersonic. My lord, I’m a girl! I was totally Speechless!

"What’s wrong lil’ Sis!" Claudia said holding my hand tighter and kissing me on the cheek.

"Claudia Marie!" Her mother said angrily.

"Don’t be mad at Claudia. I knew something was different when I woke up. I even said so to the doctors, nurses and mom. I was being ignored whenever I asked a question! Am I angry the answer is yes! Why couldn’t they wait for me to wake up and ask me? I was a male! I was a boy! What the hell am I now?" I screamed.

"You weren’t being ignored they were told by me not to say anything. I felt it was my job as your mother to tell you instead of a psychiatrist. We wanted to tell you sooner but we thought that mentally you weren’t ready for another shock."

 

My head was reeling from this disclosure. I felt betrayed! The anger flowed from my very depths! I didn’t know what I should do first scream expletives, cry or pout. Maybe I should vent my anger onto everyone. No, I was alive! I survived every trial and tribulation placed before me. I felt as if I was normal. Perhaps this is how I should have been born. No I was a boy! I had always wondered what it was like to be a girl. I shouldn’t think that way. I was a boy! Well now, I guess I’ll find out what being a girl is all about. No! I couldn’t accept that thought. I was born a boy! I am a male!

"What are you thinking about Jaime?" dad asked.

I told them all what I just thought about. My anger! My Shame! My Embarrassment! I didn’t want to be a girl! My life was useless!

After they let me calm down a bit I decided to tell them how several times I got dressed in mom’s clothes. There wasn’t a look of shock on anyone’s face. I also told them I was curious, doing it only twice or at the most three times. Even though I did it I wasn’t and didn’t want to be a girl nor wear the clothing of a female. I was a boy! A boy! A boy!

Mom had that look on her face of, Yeah, I know you did. Some boys have been known to do those things. You are a girl now and you will survive and live. Don’t push your luck with me. I thought I better keep quiet, mom was pissed. Mom could be a formidable enemy if pushed the wrong way.

"Now I’m the only one that can be blamed for leaving the toilet seat up." my Dad said with a grin trying to lighten up the atmosphere. He immediately received an elbow to his ribs by Claudia’s mom.

Claudia’s dad Phil, looked around the room at all of us and said," I think my adopted younger daughter will adjust just fine."

"You mean Our Adopted younger daughter." Claudia’s mom Terri said with a smile directed at me.

 

I came to terms with my new self that day. I cried for my loss when they all left. I was in mourning! A part of me had died! I felt the complete range of emotions outpouring from my very depths of my life’s essence, the sense of loss, shock, denial and depression and finally recovery.

I still had a nagging suspicion that all was not told to me by them. I became closer to all the women that surrounded me. All of them have a wealth of personal knowledge to be shared with other younger females. I was the youngest! Wow, did I have a lot to learn! Did I have a lot of catching up to do! I didn’t have much of a choice!

As mom bluntly put it saying, "You can learn the hard way by ridicule from strangers or learn the easy way with love from your family and mother."

Over the next few days, the Foley Cath and I.V.’s were removed. They made me get out of bed to walk. They made me learn to use the bathroom commode sitting. I was shown how to stretch my new plumbing and how to use stents. I was taught feminine hygiene. They also taught me make-up and hair techniques. I even had to learn how to dress myself.

Gloria was the one that came to teach and help me. I also found out she was only a few years older then me. She was only out of nursing school at the Junior College for about six months. ICU was only her second assignment at the hospital. She loved it!

Gloria, Claudia and I became very close friends. Okay, like sisters! We pulled the information from Gloria that she was an orphan. She also had another job to pay for her schooling and loans. (Mom didn’t even know that tidbit of information.) Gloria became our younger role model. She was there for me whenever Claudia and mom weren’t.

We knew each other’s fears, secrets, dreams, and of course aspirations. She schooled me in the ways of boys and men from a woman’s standpoint. She instructed me what to do and not to do on dating, social skills she called it.

Mr. Shapiro came to the hospital one day to see me. When he saw me, all he saw was a young girl in the bed wearing a revealing nightgown and robe. He had to take a second look and check the room number, he thought he was given the wrong room number at the visitors reception desk.

Mr. Shapiro had not seen me since my day in court. I was on the bed lying down after a stroll down the halls in my nightgown and robe. I had made sure that I applied the make-up and braided my hair as I was taught. All of these things combined left nothing to the imagination except FEMALE. The nightgown and robe accentuated my full B Cup breasts and abundantly large, no gigantic hips and ass.

Mom decided that her new daughter was not going to wear hospital gowns any longer. She and Claudia’s mom went and bought a complete wardrobe for me. I was not pleased in the least!

Apparently, I looked really good as one of the patients let out a wolf whistle that was very loud and shrill as I walked the halls for exercise. It was so loud that when I went by the Nurse’s Station they all smiled saying I had an admirer. I went and lay down after that excitement and embarrassment. That’s when Mr. Shapiro came to my room.

"Jaime is that you?"

"Hi Mr. Shapiro."

"I guess it is you then. You’re simply ravishing. Please don’t tell my wife I said that. I’d be sleeping on the couch for a month. Jealousy! Oy Vay!" smiling, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

"I have some wonderful news for you that will make you feel better. We have some new evidence that was dug up by the PI’s." Mr. Shapiro said handing me a report from the Investigators.

He remained silent as I read it. After completing it I asked, "Does this mean I won’t have a Trial?"

"With all those depositions and the statements from the Technicians at the Crime Lab. The Prosecutors case just fell apart. This proves the evidence was tainted. A lab Tech was drunk on the job! Against policy! In view of all that has happened to you and the tainted evidence I will motion for a dismissal of all charges which the judge will grant immediately."

"When do I go back to court?"

"You don’t, but I do. I’ll see the judge this afternoon. By the way, do you know you have been the topic of every news cast since your assault? Have you talked to any Cops yet?"

"I spoke to one about two weeks ago. He acted as if I had a disease or something. They won’t turn on the radio or television in my room."

"They know about the evidence. They also know they may be involved in a real heavy lawsuit or lawsuits for False Arrest among other things such as violations of Civil Rights. That one is for your neighbors.

I asked your mom not to have either the Television or radio turned on. We didn’t know what the news media were going to say but it appears that everything they have said about you is favorable.

Those boys that assaulted you were all arraigned this morning. I spoke to their attorneys, they’re all pleading guilty to the charges. It appears that the mall had surveillance cameras in that washroom. Your attack was recorded on videotape. Visual Evidence!"

The door opened as he spoke with another man entering in his fifties, balding and kind of portly.

"Hi Josh, is this Jaime?"

"Jaime this is Dan Kingston one of the PI’s that did your investigation. He was also the person that found out about the cameras."

"I just spoke to your mom’s and sister’s on the way up. They’re great by the way and waiting outside. I just came from the courtroom.

Those creeps pleaded "Nolo Contendere" or No Contest. That’s just another way of pleading guilty. We also found out they were members of a White Supremacist underground movement that has been under investigation by the Feds.

Those clowns are going to turn States Evidence in return for immunity from prosecution of crimes committed before yours. They’re also asking for a lesser sentence in return for their rollover. The Feds say yes and the State says no. Who knows?

In addition, it might be that one of those supremacist idiots might be Claudia’s real rapist. It seems they were into home invasions and burglary among other things.

I know this isn’t a consolation for your pain, suffering and loss but you helped to put away some very nasty people that might have caused more suffering on a even grander scale. A terrorist is nothing more then a murderer."

When he finished, he and Mr. Shapiro came to the bed and kissed my cheek. I was totally surprised! I wasn’t used to this type of behavior or attention from any man. I blushed! I thanked the PI and Mr. Shapiro for everything as the two of them left the room.

About twenty minutes after they left I was invaded again. This time by family! I told them what the PI and Mr. Shapiro said. I also told them what had happened. They laughed especially when I told them that I think I liked it.

"You better get used to that. You’re a woman now and for the rest of your life. Those men saw a pretty woman, visualization is everything." Mom said coming and sitting on my bed.

"We have some good news for you too. We spoke to Doctor Ward; she’s releasing you tomorrow. You get to come home! Isn’t that great!"

Home! I had forgotten what that was.

"Hey girl, what’s this we heard about a wolf whistle?" Gloria asked.

"Yeah, we want to know!" intoned Claudia.

I told them what had happened as I strolled the halls. I blamed it all on mom as she was the one that bought and brought this nightgown and robe to the hospital.

 

The gown accentuated my breasts with the lace just barely holding my new breasts in the cups pushing them together and up. The material of the gown was almost see through. If I didn’t wear panties I think you could see directly through it. The robe was so thin you could see through it also. My slippers were made of satin with a one and a half to two inch heel. She said I would have to get used to wearing things like this. I felt naked!

"Hey Sis, get used to it. Men love it!" Claudia said laughing.

"I’m not interested in men or to become their sexual fantasy. I’m really not interested in sex."

"Tell us that in a few months after your first date, Honey. " Mom said.

I looked briefly over to Claudia. There was something different about her. It was something I just couldn’t place my finger on. Then I realized she was wearing maternity clothes.

"Claudia turn around for me please."

I was right she was wearing maternity clothes. I also could see she was showing largely. She glowed in her pregnancy. I started crying not knowing why. This was something new to me as I very seldom cried before.

I jumped from the bed not caring if I was exposed. I wrapped my arms around her as I cried harder getting her blouse wet from my tears.

"Jaime what’s the matter?" Claudia asked starting to cry herself.

"I just noticed how very pregnant you are." I said between sobs.

"Well Sis, you better sit down again. Godmothers have to be strong for their goddaughters." Claudia said.

 

Godmother? Goddaughter? Did I hear her right? I started to cry again. Our mother’s, Claudia and Gloria came and held me. I was going to be the Godmother to Claudia’s daughter. My tears were of joy, happiness and love. In some ways I wished that I were pregnant with her. What the hell am I saying? I don’t know the first thing about children. I don’t even have the right internal plumbing to have children. I don’t even want to be with or near a man. I think!

"Jaime would you go to Lamaze classes with me? I want you and Gloria to be my coaches."

"Well I don’t have a husband and you’ll be her Godmother and Gloria her aunt. You’ll also be there when Katie is born."

Katie? She already named her baby Katherine. Katherine? I liked that name. That’s my grandmother’s name. It was totally feminine in nature. It fit!

There was a knock at the door. A volunteer walked in carrying a large vase filled with red and white roses in it and a very large teddy bear. I moaned inwardly but the bear was cute. Cute?

In the past weeks that I’ve been here I’ve received so many flowers and stuffed animals from so many people. The whole hospital resembles a flower shop and toy store. Many patients and children were made happy by this gesture.

"Hi Jaime, more flowers and another bear for you. I think this one is serious." She said as she placed them down. The flowers went on the bed tray and the bear was placed on the bed.

"Thanks Jennifer."

Mom already went for the card, opening the envelope. I heard the intake of breath as she handed the card to Claudia’s mom. She just smiled as she in turn handed it to Claudia.

"Well, Well, it looks as if baby Sister has a boyfriend." Claudia said as she handed it to Gloria.

"Yep, she certainly does. Who’s Michael Pallin?"

"Gloria, he’s that that hunk across the street you asked about. The boy I wanted to date before."

"Oh No, you too! You’re not setting me up with a date. With a boy? Absolutely and categorically not!"

"Jaime Katherine! Now you listen to me young lady. You will be nice to this boy! You will go out on a date with him if he asks. You will act as a young lady should." Mom said angrily.

"Jaime Katherine? You gave me Grandma’s name for my middle name?"

"Your name now is what we were going to name you when you were born if you were a girl. Now, stop trying to change the subject. Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes, Mother Dear."

"Do not patronize me dear daughter. I can still put you over my knee and bare that pantied ass of yours."

First I had the shock of Claudia naming the baby, not after grandma, but after me. Next it was mom laying down the law.

Mom never spoke to me like that when I was a boy. She meant every word she said. Before, if I was in deep doo-doo, dad would be the one to punish me. I knew that now the high heel was on the other foot. Mom was now my disciplinarian and not dad. Oh Shit! Caution was now the word of the day.

"Mother, I’m sorry."

"Good!"

Again there was a knock on the door. What was this room turning into a train station? Gloria went opening the door for Mr. Shapiro.

"I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you and your discussion with your daughter."

"We were that loud, Huh?"

"Well they might have heard you out in the street." He said with a smile looking at all of us.

"Oh Shit, there goes the rumor machine." Mom said.

It was common knowledge that a rumor could traverse a hospital in milliseconds. There were no hidden secrets! Even the skeletons were out of the closets! As quick as a zipper could open or close the rumor was fired off.

Mr. Shapiro pulled some official looking legal papers from his briefcase handing them to mom. Mom looked at them giving them to Claudia’s mom, then Claudia, then Gloria and finally me.

The first one was the Dismissal of all state charges against me. I was exonerated! The next one was for my name and sex changed with a new birth certificate issued. The third was the shocker! This one was an adoption certificate making Gloria truly my sister. The fourth was a court order giving legal guardianship and custody of me to Gloria and to Claudia’s parents in the event of something happening to mom and dad.

I noticed that the same judge signed all the orders. There were also several others laying the foundation of lawsuits against several agencies. These were filed with the county clerk.

"Sorry it took so long but that prosecutor was adamant in not allowing for the dismissal of the charges. It was pointed out if he didn’t agree he would also be named in the lawsuit against the state. Needless to say he saw my way. The state concurred with the dismissal of any and all charges. Jaime my dear there is no longer a Sword of Damocles being held over you head. You’re a free girl!"

I sprung from the bed to give Mr. Shapiro a kiss. This pleased all in the room. It wasn’t until after I had kissed him that I realized what I’d done. I blushed furiously!

"Please don’t tell my wife! I don’t think she would understand me being kissed by another woman. I guess it’ll be worth sleeping on the couch for the next month or two." He said as he held me to him.

"I guess she’s all girl now mom." Gloria said

"I think we will all tend to agree with you on that last statement." Mom said.

"Hey little Sis, move over for a pregnant fat lady. I want to kiss him too!" Claudia said pushing me out of the way to kiss Mr. Shapiro.

By the time he left we had lipstick all over his face and collar of his shirt. He smelled from our perfume. Although he feigned anger, he was a very happy man to receive so much attention. I think we all boosted his male ego when he left us. He said something about buying a new couch that was more comfortable.

I had to go to the bathroom badly when Mr. Shapiro left. My bladder was about to burst! My stomach felt funny, kind of a queasy sensation for a few days. I excused myself from the room.

I raised my nightgown, pulled down my panties and sat on the commode. I relieved myself and wiped. That’s when I saw the blood. I let out such a scream that I think I woke the dead in the morgue down in the sub basement.

Mom and Gloria were the first to come running in, followed by Claudia and her mother. Several other nurses arrived to help. I was crying again as I pointed to my panties and the bloodied water. I thought something broke loose inside of me. I was, to say the least upset and confused.

Mom just smiled saying, "Welcome to womanhood Sweetie."

I looked at her quizzically. I thought she was having a mental problem.

" Mom what are you talking about?"

That’s when I found out that an experimental procedure was performed on me. I was given complete set of female internal plumbing, from a donor.

 

"Dr. Silverstein from the University of Chicago Hospital and Clinics wrote a paper theorizing the possibility of the transplantation of female organs. He specified the procedure. He was contacted, advised of your condition, contacted several donor clearing houses, and did your transplant procedure. They didn’t know if the donated organs would be rejected or not at first. Your I.V. Bags were giving you anti-biotics, anti-rejection drugs and hormones for the transplants."

Well now, they can safely say they weren’t rejected. I guess that doctor will write a paper about it. Later they determined from lab tests that I can ovulate and would continue to do so until I reached menopause. Menopause? I could become Pregnant! Motherhood? Babies?

Gee, I love surprises! As of that moment I could never be a boy again! I became a woman in every sense of the word. Hello Cramps! Migraines! Hello Bloatedness! Hello Bitchiness! Wow, PMS!

Next came the lectures of Birth Control, personal safety and cleanliness. I was shown how to use Tampons and Sanitary pads. More and more feminine hygiene skills were added to my repertoire of female life skills.

My mind swam with all the information being dispensed for my usage. I needed to lie down again, which I did do. These situations were coming just too fast and furious for me to handle. I have to say that everyone was great in giving me their assistance. What the hell else could happen? I hugged my new bear close to my body.

I didn’t have to wait too long for the answer to that question when there was a knock on the door. As the door opened I saw a boy there with thick black wavy hair and finely chiseled features on his face. He stood perhaps five foot ten inches tall, with his muscles bulging through his dark tee shirt. His identical twin brother Justin accompanied him.

"Hello Michael, Hello Justin" Claudia’s mom said.

"Hi everyone, We just wanted to come and see how Jaime was and to give her and Claudia these." He said handing Claudia and I an envelope each after giving me the once over.

I stared at it before I opened it. It wasn’t a "Get Well Card" as it was too small. The only envelopes I had ever seen this small were invitations to weddings or parties. Oh shit an invitation! I opened it very carefully as if it could and would explode. I started to read it.

It was an invitation! I was invited to the Golfer’s Day Charitable Dance at the Country Club as a guest of honor. I handed my Invitation to Claudia as she handed hers to me. They were Identical just as the brothers were!

I had heard about this dance. It was held each year to benefit the hospital children’s floor. It was an invitation only affair as the affluent and powerful always attended. It was also strictly a formal affair. My mouth hung open!

"Will you girls attend?" Justin asked.

"Yes we’ll be there." Claudia said accepting for the both of us.

I wanted to say no. I wanted to hang Claudia for what she said. Gloria and mom saw my expression on my face. With the both of them shaking their heads ever so slightly letting me know I was treading on dangerous ground. I kept my mouth shut.

Michael smiled at me in particular saying, "Good, we’ll tell the committee you’ve both accepted. Also, we’ll both be your escorts for that night."

"Did all of you get your invitations?" Justin asked.

"Our other daughter Gloria didn’t get one yet." Mom said.

"Other daughter?"

"Gloria is our legally adopted daughter and Jaime’s sister. She’s also a nurse here in the ICU." Mom said proudly.

"We’ll see to it that she gets one too. Do you need an escort, Gloria?" Justin asked.

"Possibly, I really wasn’t prepared for this event. I also have to check the work schedule. I really want to go just to support our little Sister."

"If you do need an escort please let us know. Jaime, we both have seen you, having spoken to you many times in the past around the neighborhood and school.

We made some rude, crude remarks to and about you. We want to apologize for them. What has happened to you could happen to anyone of us. We admire your courage and fortitude. We, especially myself, want to be one of your friends, if you’ll accept my friendship." Michael said.

All I could do was nod my head yes. The emotions of being accepted came fast. At first, I disbelieved what I heard I was always at the brunt of harsh words and jokes by all my peers. Now it appears that things may change. I hope!

"Jaime when are you going to be released from here?" Michael asked.

"Tomorrow."

"Good I’ll see you tomorrow at your house, if you don’t mind." Michael said as he and Justin left the room before I could say a word.

I could see by the looks on my family’s faces that they approved of Michael and Justin. Gloria made the comment that she hoped her escort would be as hunky as those two.

Mom said that Michael had eyes for me and that Justin had eyes for Claudia. Great that’s all I need! Boy’s! Periods! Pregnancy! Marriage! Sex! Holy Shit, What The Hell Am I Talking About! They really created a monster. Me!

My body was still recuperating from all the trauma of being beaten, together with all the surgeries I became very tired. I also had a headache. I needed to use my bathroom first.

Gloria followed me in. She made sure I checked what needed to be checked or replaced. I told her what I was thinking about. The Beatings, trauma, boys and just to top that off I have my Monthly (God Forbid!) Cycle. Why was life becoming so complicated for me? All she did was to laugh saying that’s all part of being a woman. Sit back and enjoy the ride, I’ll love it. We’ll see!

I returned to my hospital bed. They all could see I was tired. They decided to leave with all of them giving me a kiss and a hug. I thought that I was so lucky to be wanted and loved. I drifted off to a welcomed nap.

I dreamt as I always dreamt. My sleep was restless as usual. My dream state was about my ordeal. Would I or Could I ever recover? The mental scars were heavily imprinted in my mind that were so blatantly vivid.

I awoke to the smell of Old Spice After-Shave and a kiss on the cheek and forehead. I opened my to see my Dad smiling at me.

"How’s my Little Girl?"

Girl? I almost forgot about my situation.

"Hi Daddy."

Daddy? I never called him daddy. He smiled at my response to him by calling him daddy. My father has a smile and manner about him that puts people at ease. He always listened to me even if it was the most trivial matter.

"I saw these at the Mall. Mother says you have her tastes when I showed her these to see if you might like them. Since the weather is getting a bit cooler I wanted to make sure you don’t get chilled. The others are just silly little gifts for you from all of us."

I could see he was having a difficult time talking, very close to crying as he handed the wrapped packages to me.

It was then that I realized how very strenuous this whole situation has been on him. I decided I had to always be available to my family.

I unwrapped the first very large package. What was he thinking? He purchased a pair of black, side-zippered, gabardine, stirrup slacks; Fuchsia and black colored v-neck sweater and a pair of black knee length riding boots. It was sweet of him but it wasn’t winter yet.

 

The second package was smaller. When I unwrapped it there was a box that you would get from a jewelers store. Inside were several other boxes that fit snugly next to each other with a card. To our Daughter, Love Mom and Dad. I was on the verge of tears.

One box held several pairs of earrings in silver. The next box held the same assortment except in gold. Since I had my ears already pierced over a year ago, I took out a set of medium sized gold hoop earrings, put them in my ears, closing the box. Dad even wanted to help me put the earrings in my ears.

I took out another box that contained a smaller version of the family crest ring mom and dad always wore that I put on. Dad picked up the next box, opening it, keeping the contents hidden.

When it was removed I saw it was a heart shaped ornate gold locket and chain. It once belonged to dad’s great grandmother. That locket was always passed down to the youngest female member on his side of the family. The tears flowed freely as he placed it around my neck. I could see the look of pride on his face when he hooked the clasp. He was elated!

"Sweetheart, Grandma left this for you before she and grandpa left for home. She said this was to be given to her granddaughter to be given to your daughter when she’s old enough. They send their love to you darling."

I buried my face in Dad’s shoulder crying all the harder. I knew that what he did was hard. He lost the only male heir to the family name. As his daughter I would still carry the bloodline to his grandchildren if not his name. My love and admiration grew deeply for my dad. I had put my parents through hell though it was not my fault. I made a vow that they would have no more pain from me. They had suffered enough!

Dad wiped my tears but held me close to him. I felt safe and secure in his arms. He was my security blanket, he was my safety net, and he was my father. He handed me the last gift as he smiled at me.

I at once unwrapped the large present. Once again it had a card which I opened. "To our Daughter from Mom, Dad, and Big Sis Gloria you’ll need these tomorrow.

I gazed into the package finding bras, panties, camisoles, tights and pantyhose. There must have been at least a dozen of each in different colors and styles. Somehow I knew that Mom and Gloria did the shopping for these, even though I have seen dad buy these same types of items for mom. Dad was never the type to be intimidated by any sales clerk.

After all the packages where opened Dad put the contents away in my locker. He came back to me sitting down on the edge of my bed taking my hand.

"Are you ready to come home?"

"I’m a little scared. Why?"

"Don’t be surprised the neighbors might be popping over to see and check in on you."

"Oh Great! I’ll be alright."

"They’ve just been concerned. We’ve been giving them daily reports about you trying to keep them away so you can rest. Actually it was Claudia that told them not to disturb you."

I could imagine just what Claudia said to them. She could be feisty at times. With her hormone changes, bodily harm! That was a certainty!

"The neighbors also have a surprise for you when you get home. They finished it today."

"What surprise! Mom didn’t say anything about a surprise."

"Now what do you think the definition of surprise is."

"Okay I get the drift, Daddy"

"Mom and Gloria will be bringing you home tomorrow after their shift tonight. I’ll see you when I get home. Please be a good girl. I love you very much." Dad said kissing me on the forehead.

I waved as he left the room. We had been always close but now we seemed closer somehow. He also seemed to be more protective of me.

I gazed down at the locket that had settled on my chest above my cleavage. I thought of my grandparents and my great grandparents. How my great grandfather must have loved my great grandmother to give her this piece of elegant jewelry. I hoped that I would know love like that someday as I fell asleep.

I woke up without the assistance of nurse waking me. My nightmares were still with me. I thought to myself that this would be the first day going outside in over two months. I got out of bed putting on my robe and slippers walking to the window.

The sun shone brightly this day. I noticed that the leaves on the trees were changing their green colors to brown, orange and reds. I saw a few squirrels scampering about gathering whatever they could for the coming winter. There was even a raccoon waddling across the lawn perhaps heading to its home after a night of Dumpster diving. I happened to look up seeing the vee formation of Canadian snow geese heading south for the winters coming. It was so good to be alive to see these miraculous sights. The wonders of nature never ceased to amaze me.

"Good Morning sweetie, are you ready to go home?" mom said as she entered the room with three cups of coffee, handing one to me.

"Not yet, I just woke up awhile ago." I said as I sat down and sipped the strong coffee.

"Well, how did it go with your father last night?"

"Mom has he changed? I know I have physically but mentally I’m still the same person."

"How so?"

"He seems to be more protective. He’s more gentile in voice and his actions to me."

 

"More protective Huh. I think maybe because of all the problems we had. He also sees you now as his fragile baby girl. Don’t you know, fathers do like to spoil and protect their daughters. Boys tend to be somewhat rougher in all respects, perhaps more competitive.

On the other hand, moms are more strongly willed with their daughters. We try or will try to teach you what you will need to know for your long walk down the road of life. To be the best wife, lover, best friend, homemaker to your husband and of course mother to your children.

Daddy will spoil you but, I dear daughter will be the stabilizing factor in the household. I will not only be your mother, but your best girl friend, confidant and of course your disciplinarian if needed."

I had always listened to my mother when she spoke. Now I really listened to her every word and caught the hidden meanings. I even noticed the inflections coming from her vocal words that I never noticed before. I always knew she was one tough cookie. She had to be tough in her job. At the same time, she always showed love and affection to dad and me. To differentiate between home and work took an extremely strong willed individual. That is my mother, I love her deeply and always would.

"Mother, I love you." I said catching her completely off guard.

I could see the tears forming in her eyes as I went to her wrapping my arms around her neck and giving her a big kiss. It became a Mother and Daughter Cry-a-thon that was interrupted by the door being opened.

"Hey, can your other daughter join in too, Mom?"

We had hugs all around until mom looked at her watch.

"Okay girls! No bath or shower this morning, Honey. Let’s first get you dressed. Then your sister will help you with your make-up and hair. I’ll get you packed up while you’re in the bathroom."

"Why no shower mom?"

"We have a several surprises for you, that’s why."

Mom told me as Gloria fixed my hair, that Dad was the one that went clothes shopping for me. I wasn’t the least amazed. Everything that he brought he had picked out. As I said before he not easily intimidated.

"Your father was still mourning for the loss of his only son until Gloria ripped him apart. He was getting drunk each day and has been since your assault. I don’t know if you ever noticed but your father, if he drank, had soft drinks or maybe one or two drinks and never anymore. You father is a recovering Alcoholic! He will always be fighting the urge to drink to excess to forget.

Gloria said things that I was afraid to say to him. After that display, he stormed out of the house returning after he saw you. When he came home he kissed Gloria and took me to bed before I came to work." Mom said with a smile.

"I guess I’ll have to get him angry more often, huh mom."

"Mom I never knew that. He always seemed in control of whatever he did. I’m sorry I did this to him and you." I said as I burst into tears.

"Don’t you dare cry young lady! You didn’t do this to him! He did it to himself! We, Gloria and I, think the stress made him go over the edge. He’s now in control of the situation thanks to your sister and Claudia’s parents.

Claudia’s dad and Gloria both jumped on him and brought him back to reality. You dear girl, are our daughter and Gloria is our daughter and your sister. Now let Gloria help you to finish dressing. I want to get out of here."

Gloria was a major help to me. I washed and did my feminine duties changing my tampon and so on.

My longish hair was placed into a very full ponytail. My hair had always been somewhat long and styled but now it was past my shoulders. I needed to get it cut and styled, I thought to myself. We used very little make-up; foundation, blush and lipstick. I really didn’t want to overdo it.

 

I have to admit daddy has good tastes in what he buys. Even Gloria said the exact same thing as I was thinking it. The panty and bra set was exquisite. The panties were a perfect fit in pink lace hip hugging fashion. The bra was a very new experience to me. It was made from the same pink lace in the cups holding my breasts to support them. I chose knee-highs over panty hose or tights, which Gloria agreed. The slacks were pulled up and side zipped over my tremendous hips and ass. The tunic sweater pulled over my head the Vee showing a generous amount of cleavage and my locket. Next the riding boots were pulled on and zipped up.

Gloria looked me over giving me a wink and sending me out to mom for her approval.

"Your stunning! Wait until Michael sees you later today." Mom said as she adjusted my locket.

"Mo...om, Please don’t say that."

"Sweetie get used to it. Just remember let them look but don’t touch."

"Gloria go get a wheelchair for your sister. I already called the nurse’s station to tell them we’re leaving. A volunteer is coming with a cart for all this stuff. I told them to bring three carts. Do you realize how much you’ve acquired? Gloria where are you going to sleep when we get this into your room?"

Room? Share? Now what!

"Mother dear, what are you and Gloria trying to tell me?"

"Moi, Mon Cherie!"

"Alright what’s going on?"

"Gloria is sharing your room with you until the workmen have finished with it."

"What workmen?"

"Mother you’re drabbling again. I’m totally confused!

"You’ll see when we get home."

"I do have a bedroom don’t I?"

"Oh that you do baby sister. Wait until you see it."

My bedroom such as it was is a closet. In fact, it wasn’t much bigger then the jail cell I once occupied. I shuddered at the thought of the two of us sharing that room. I could care lees I was going home.

Four hospital candy strippers showed up at the door. One was one of the girls I knew from school and a friend of Claudia. She was also one of the girls that made remarks about me when I was a male. She kept staring at me in a really weird way.

"Don’t you go to Commodore Perry High School?"

"Yes, I did before the accident." I said.

"You’re a friend of Claudia aren’t you? I recognized the last name. I wanted to come up but the supervisor told us no visitors for you. There were no exceptions."

"Yes"

At this point, she took out a pen and paper writing something.

"Call me, I’ll be home after 6pm. Ask Claudia to be with you."

I looked at the paper and saw her name was Pamela Jenkins, with her telephone number. I smiled telling her I would as I climbed into the wheelchair.

I took one look at the overflowing carts and thought to myself if I didn’t get rid of most of the plants, flowers and stuffed animals yesterday they would have used a dozen carts or a moving company.

I was thoroughly overjoyed as all the nurses along with some of my doctors came to say goodbye. They each gave me a kiss and hug saying they would be seeing me soon. It was like this all the way out of the hospital. Almost three months in this hospital was enough for anyone. I wanted to get home!

At last we finally made it to our van, loaded it up and were on our way. I noticed that she was heading toward the downtown area. Finally we parked in front of Gladys’s Beauty Salon where mom always goes to get her hair done.

"Okay everyone out and into the shop, girls."

"Mom I just had my hair cut and styled." Gloria said.

"Too bad, your Dad set this up for the three of us and I for one am not going to hear him pissing and moaning if we don’t go in."

Gloria and I got out of the van walking into the salon. Gladys greeted us as we walked in. Our hair that day was cut, permed and styled. We all had complete makeovers, pedicures and manicures. I could get used to this type of pampering. I had never in my life experienced such camaraderie as I felt with all the women in that salon.

I was as one of them. Although each and every one of them knew of the ordeals I had gone through. I received no sympathy from the loss of my manhood just greetings, joy and love into womanhood.

I was astounded at the amount of time we spent in the salon. I really had no idea I was still so weak. I was tired and hungry by the time we finished. I wanted to take a badly needed nap. Once again we climbed into the van this time we all headed for home.

As we got closer to the house there seemed to be a bevy of activity with construction centered on our house. The front seemed the same but the roof area, sides and back had the most activity. The house seemed to have grown in size. At least doubled! The astonishment was evident on my face.

"What wrong sweetie?"

"What’s going on?"

"Don’t you remember? We talked about remodeling the house when we first moved in. Dad finally got the right contractor. All the neighbors are helping too. Wait until you see it."

When the van pulled into the driveway a big man came to mom’s door opening it for her.

"Another week and we’ll be finished. The bedrooms are all finished except for one, the pool and the pond are being filled. The bathrooms will be done today along with the Rec. Room and laundry room."

Pool? Pond? Bathrooms? Rec. Room? What’s going on? We only had one Bathroom. We never had a pond or pool. Damn, it’s almost winter; it’ll be frozen over. What’s with the Rec. Room? I looked at mom and Gloria puzzled. Their faces gave no indication what was going on.

"Do you need some help getting this stuff inside? The man asked.

"You bet!" Gloria answered with a smile.

"Just leave it here and I’ll get some of the guys to bring it inside."

Could you have them put it into the pink room please."

"Sure, no problem. Why don’t you ladies just go on inside. It’ll be taken care of."

I was just about to ask mom about the pink room that she mentioned when Claudia and her mother up came to us. Both warmly hugged and kissed us.

"Surprised huh, Jaime?" Claudia’s mom asked.

"Just slightly." I said mischievously.

"Wait until you see your new room. I helped pick out the furnishings." Claudia said.

"It’s not yellow and white is it?" I said tickling her side.

"No Silly, It’s pink and white." Claudia said smiling and taking my hand pulling me inside.

 

The one thing I noticed is that Claudia was bigger no actually huge. I hadn’t seen her for over a week. The doctor had told her she had to rest more. We spoke to each other several times a day. I also noticed she had a special glow about her. I became to think it was because of her pregnancy. I started to wonder if I would have the same glow when and if I became pregnant. Pregnant?

Oh my lord, I just realized that the test all confirmed that I could have children. Would that be so bad? I had to think about that very seriously. On second thought, I don’t have to seriously think about that at all. When the time is right yes, I would be prepared to have a baby.

The inside of the house was changed considerably since I was gone. There was now an openness that was not here before. Claudia kept pulling me into different areas until we finally reached a doorway. When she opened the door, I was stunned.

This room was gigantic probably thirty feet by thirty feet. The walls and ceiling were a pastel pink with a darker pink deep pile rug. The lace curtains and bedspreads were a mauve color. All the furniture was white which included two queen-sized beds that fit into wall units, two dressers, vanity, and nightstand, desk wall unit, computer system and a framed full-length mirror.

Claudia then took me through a sliding door into the walk-in closet-dressing room and into the bathroom. I couldn’t believe this was the same house. I’d lived in this house since we moved into town.

The bathroom was magnificent. The tub was a Jacuzzi Style, separate shower stall, commode and a bidet. The amount of storage space was unbelievable. It even had two sinks in it with great mirrors and lighting.

I was told that I had to share it with Gloria. I didn’t care. We walked into the closet area I marveled at the amount of space that was already taken up by clothes, lingerie and shoes. I was told that everything in it was mine. I saw dresses, skirts, blazers, sweaters, slacks and so on and so on. In addition, I was told that the dressers were filled too! I could just see my two moms, and my two sisters attacking every store in the mall. Those sales people must have made a fortune in commissions.

As I stared at the wonders around and before me, I was truly astounded. Mom was the one that brought me out of my dream.

"Do you like the room?"

My answer was to give everyone a kiss and a hug excitedly. I told her I needed to rest for a while. I was exhausted from the day’s events. I sat down on my new bed removing my boots. Claudia and Gloria told our moms to go have some coffee.

Gloria went to my dresser and removed a nightgown while Claudia went and retrieved a lounger robe and slippers for me. As I undressed in the bedroom Claudia saw the size of my breasts.

"Jaime they’ve grown! They’re just the right size for nursing."

"Yeah, I know. Between these growing, mood swings and periods I don’t know what’s worst. Did you say nursing? Like in baby? Lactation?"

"Welcome to a woman’s world little sister. Speaking of that before you change, go refresh yourself." Gloria said.

I took the nightgown, lounger and slippers with me into the bathroom. I used the toilet, changed my Tampon and changed into the nightwear. Before I put on the nightgown, I looked into the mirror on the wall. All I could see was a very good-looking young lady with a set of enormous breasts, hips and ass. Alright my breasts weren’t that big but they are more then a handful. I put on the pink sculpted-laced nightgown, lounger, and mules going back into the bedroom carrying the clothes that I had worn.

I caught a strange look from Claudia as I came in.

"Why the strange look?"

"Are you sure you were once a boy?"

"Yeah in my former life, Sis." I said as I lay down on the bed.

I at least made her laugh. She laughed so hard she had to sit down next to me on the bed. I told her about Pamela Jenkins and the phone number. We decided we would call her later. Claudia all of a sudden had a funny look on her face.

"The baby just kicked." She said.

"Can I feel her?"

"Sure." Claudia said raising her blouse exposing her abdomen.

That was the first time I ever felt a baby kick. I was totally enamored with this miracle growing inside Claudia. I have always had a great contempt for the Bastard that raped her but I couldn’t help to admire and love Claudia for not aborting the fetus now growing into her daughter.

"Okay what are you two doing? Gloria asked.

"Feeling the baby kicking Sis."

"Are you Okay Claudia?"

"Sure."

"The baby just got really active for a bit."

"You get on the bed too and relax." Gloria said.

"Gloria would you get our mom’s please. I want to talk to all of you together." Claudia said.

Gloria hurried from the room getting our mom’s. I didn’t know what was going on as I gazed at Claudia through misted eyes.

"What’s wrong?"

"When I just looked at you, you seemed to have lost the coloring in your face. You have a bluish tint to it. I’m worried about you."

Claudia took my hand into hers and just held it. Our mom’s and Gloria entered my room seeing Claudia looking like a ghost. She seemed to have lost the pallor of her skin.

"Are you Okay Honey?" my mother asked.

"Sure mom I just over did it a little as usual."

"Why did you have Gloria come and get us then?" asked Claudia’s mom.

"I want a promise from all of you. That if something should happen to me, I’m asking that Jaime, assumes my role and responsibilities as the baby’s mother. I ask that Jaime raise her as her own and for all of you to help her in any way she needs it. I also ask that the baby never know she was adopted by Jaime and to let her think Jaime was always her mother. I want you as the Grandparents and Aunt to always be there for my daughter. I don’t want any arguments all I want is for you to say you will, please."

The expressions on all our faces were that of shock and disbelief. This was one of the few times that I felt like everyone else in the room. We were all placed over that proverbial barrel doing something we didn’t want to do. All we could do was say yes to her. Did she have Women’s Intuition?

I saw the tears in everyone’s eyes, but they and I still agreed it would be done as Claudia wished. Then it struck me when she brought up the size of my breasts earlier. What the hell was going through Claudia’s mind? I needed to speak to her!

At last, I had my chance as our mom’s left the bedroom. There was just the three of us Claudia, Gloria and myself.

"Claudia what the hell was that all about?"

"I asked that you raise and take care of my baby. Why?" she said innocently.

"Claudia that’s Bullshit and you know it. That comment about my breasts was a giveaway. Furthermore, your skin tone isn’t right. Are you taking care of yourself?"

"If you insist I’ll tell you. For several months I’ve been having bad dreams that when I had the baby I would die. They’re always the same I’m scared, really, really scared. I didn’t want to tell mom, you know how worried she gets.

The baby has to be cared for. She’ll need a mom not her Grandmother to take care of her. We’ve been through so much together and have grown so much closer. You are the sister I never had. You and Gloria have helped me so much keeping my head together.

I just know that if something should happen to me that my baby and her young life will be taken and nurtured properly by someone close to her own mother’s personality and age. You my dear sister fit that criteria."

"She’s right you know. You two are the closest I’ve ever seen to twins as to traits, appearance, personality and disposition. If I recall even your blood type is the same. Claudia, just because you have a dream doesn’t mean it’s going to happen."

I had to agree with Gloria. To say the least I was skeptical. To keep peace I agreed with Claudia.

We three held each other gradually falling asleep together. For several hours we slept until my dad woke Claudia and I up to inform us that Justin and Michael were in the living room. I told dad to stall and give us a little time to get ready. Stall!

All he said was "Women and That’ll be an hour."

We managed to redo our make-up and get re-dressed or shall I say me re-dressed in record time. I have to admit that Claudia being large with the baby could move quite fast. I just threw on a pair of jeans, sneakers and a sweatshirt. In no time we were in the living room with the boys. Dad made an excuse and left them to us alone.

"You two look great." Michael said. They both came and gave us a kiss on the cheek.

"I know you might think us being pushy but we really want to get to know you better." Justin said with Michael agreeing.

"Besides I like you better as a girl." Michael whispered into my ear, then taking my hand.

We were in the kitchen with mom after the boys left. That’s when I told Claudia and Gloria that I was confused. My body said yes to the attentions of Michael. My mind still said no that it was wrong to have these emotions.

Dad happened to be walking by the kitchen hearing our conversation putting his hands lovingly on my shoulders saying, "Listen Princess, you have been male since birth with a normal males traits. You were plunged into a situation that you had no hope of recovering from.

Your learning new ways, doing new things that are out of your territory, It’s called adapting to a situation. I had to adapt to the loss of my wonderful loving son but now, I have come to terms that I now have a wonderful loving daughter.

You must adapt to your new role too. Accept your new life, cherish each day of your life. Share your new life with special people."

What daddy said made sense I had to lose these inhibitions. I was a female now and forever. It is normal to be with and date boys. Compatibility and mating ritual it’s called.

In the weeks to come, the boys became steady fixtures with us around the house, the town and all the hangouts. I loved the attention I received from Michael. Claudia was a fixture with Justin. He didn’t care if she was pregnant or not. We agreed with each other that the boys were not only cute but also fun to be with.

That evening Claudia and I called Pamela Jenkins after the boys left. She came over to the house. She too apologized to me for some things that were said. I really think people do change for the better. Pam actually became a part of the group much later and a good friend.

The house remodeling was finished. Our peace was restored for a little while until dad bought a monster of a Motorhome. Mom was so angry she made him sleep in it for two nights by himself. Then she joined him in it one night so they could talk. We never knew those motorhomes could bounce. At least they were civil to each other again.

 

Gloria started to date a doctor from the hospital. Those two spent a lot of time together. A Betting Pool was established at the hospital on their marriage date. Ah Love, isn’t it Grand! Dad didn’t think so; he became very protective of his big girl and little girl. He drove mom, Gloria and I crazy. We almost moved him into the Motorhome again just have some peace.

I became more comfortable on a daily basis with me new body my breasts kept growing and maturing as did my height, ass and hips. I drove dad crazy with my exercising and watching my weight. Mom told him to Piss Off when he started bitching.

Claudia became weird with her food cravings. Her favorite was peanut butter, onions, mayonnaise and marshmallow. Her second favorite was a Garbage Pizza with Anchovies. Then she couldn’t understand why she had indigestion.

With the help of our mom’s, Claudia, Gloria and many of the neighborhood women I was never without advice or someone to speak to. Claudia, Gloria and I were taught Needlepoint, Knitting, Crocheting, Quilting and Sewing. I have to admit our first dresses and sweaters turned out well.

Instead of going back to school I asked mom and dad if I could take the G.E.D. Exam. I studied, took it, and passed! I applied for the nursing program at the local college and was approved for the spring term.

The Charity Dance was only two weeks away. We made our homes a living hell for everyone. First I couldn’t find THE right formal dress or shoes. Then it was Claudia’s turn with finding a dress. Trying to find a formal dress for a pregnant woman close to Term is a real treat. Then Gloria couldn’t find the right color. Of course, Claudia’s mom had to get into the act with all of us.

Mom was so angry with us; she made us pack a bag taking Dad’s toy the Motorhome, to Chicago without dad. Was he ever Pissed! But, we found our dresses, shoes, accessories and did more shopping. Chicago is the Mecca of a girls shopping experience. Claudia’s dad was pissed with the Credit Card bills.

 

The night of the dance when our dad’s saw all of us, they both were so proud. Not a bad word was ever spoken about our shopping adventure ever again, especially that night when mom wore one of her new negligées for him.

Michael and Justin were the most perfect of escorts to us. They were attentive, graceful and polite. Most of the politicians and those in other forms of appointed public office avoided all of us. When most found out who we were they grabbed their wives or husbands leaving the event running. Many disparaging opinions were given that night of those people. The media that attended the soirée of the year also noted this event. Those people of the media never forget. I would venture to say many a politician would never be re-elected again.

Michael and I had a wonderful time together he was always at my side holding me. It was weeks ago when I came home from the hospital that I figured out with the help of my sisters and moms I might have more then a little crush or puppy love for him. Mom and Gloria one morning said I was a fool not to follow my heart. Do I have feelings for him? The answer is yes. Do I love him? I don’t know.

We both have talked about our futures. We have decided for both of us to finish college. If we feel the same about each other then we might make our relationship permanent.

Gloria and John have been seeing each other on a regular basis. John is a take charge kind of guy. Always laughing, telling jokes and liked by everyone. Are these two a couple? Yes! Does the family like him? Yes! Does dad like him? Oh yes, he has another fishing friend.

Now Justin and Claudia are the problems. These two are together all the time with Michael and me. We can all see that there is chemistry between them. Justin is attentive and loving to Claudia but she is very Stand Offish. Why? I don’t know, I think she is afraid of breaking his heart.

The holidays would be soon approaching. All Hallows Eve and Thanksgiving were over. Claudia seemed to getting larger. She and Justin kind of separated, going in different directions. Gloria was still with John, getting very serious. Michael and I were still together too. I was even more comfortable in my new sex. I or shall I say, we have even experimented with having masturbatory and oral sex. Each time we did it I was very hesitant, I still felt dirty and used. I just couldn’t tell him all my thoughts. I really don’t think he would understand.

I don’t know exactly how it happened the first time but it happened. We went to a movie Michael and I. Then had a snack at the local Shoney’s Restaurant. The next thing I knew we were at the overhang near the lake. This area is the local Lover’s Lane.

Michael parked the car and drew me beside him. The next thing I knew we were playing tonsil hockey and going further. I drew the line before we progressed any further. That night we talked also about what had happened to me. I managed to speak to him without crying. He was wonderful!

He understood the trauma I had gone through. He didn’t push me into a situation that I couldn’t extract myself from. He understood that when I said no that he would stop. Our bond together became closer. He became more gentile, compassionate and caring with me in every way.

I have to admit that being a woman is magnificent. Your sensory perceptions are more finely tuned. Everything seems to be more enhanced. Your senses of sight, smell, hearing, emotions, etc are increased.

As a male, I had masturbated and as a woman, I had done it too. As a woman, orgasm is more intense; you can feel it growing until you have multiple orgasmic pleasure through every nerve ending in your body. As a male, from what I recall it’s a one shot affair although it is intense.

It wasn’t that I was not ready for sex. I was afraid of it. I also had that nagging feeling of my assault. My morality was the concept that I wanted to save myself for marriage. I wanted to give the gift of my virginity to my husband. I know that this is an Old Fashioned concept but it was what I had decided. Fortunately, Michael agreed with my thinking. He wasn’t hurt in the least when I told him my feelings or fears. That was another point that drew us closer to each other.

On the other hand when I walked in the door at home mom and Gloria knew what we had done without me saying a word. The next day I was at the gynecologist getting a check up and a script for Birth Control pills.

She didn’t seem to be mad so I asked her how she knew. All she said was that I glowed. That’s when I confessed to her that we had stopped before having intercourse. I did tell her everything that we did. She wasn’t shocked in the least but she did ask if it satisfied me sexual urges and if I liked it. I responded to her that it did and I liked it. I saw a devious smile creep onto her face. I also told her of my fears and how we had overcome those together. Mom stopped smiling and hugged me. When she saw Michael later that day she told him Thank you and kissed him.

Mom and I kept growing closer and closer together as she said we would. To this day, she and I are very close. Gloria says that mother and daughters should have no secrets. I know that Gloria, dad, mom and I don’t hide anything from each other. But, I was told by mom not to say a word to dad what Michael and I had done. It was only later that Gloria explained that dad would probably go crazy, it had to do with protecting his little girl.

The Christmas season was upon us. People were crowding the stores buying a vast array of gifts to give family and friends. Claudia, Michael and I went to a mall in another town about two hours away. Psychologically I still couldn’t go into the one in our town yet. This stemmed still from my attack and rape.

We were in a lingerie shop buying gifts for Gloria and our mom’s. I was working now at the hospital as an admissions clerk until school started. I could afford these gifts for them.

We had just started to look at some lingerie for ourselves when Claudia started having contractions. I thought that this might not be the best place to be. Besides Claudia was a month early. Michael went and retrieved the car while I telephone mom at the hospital. Although the contractions were weak and far apart, she told us to bring Claudia there as a precaution. She said for me to tell Michael to drive safe and not speed.

We had driven over an hour, I was in the back seat with Claudia keeping her calm and timing the contractions. They were down to twenty minutes apart. I wasn’t worried about the contractions she was having, I was worried about the return of the bluish tinge to her skin.

As we got closer to our town, the traffic became heavier. At one of the on ramps a car cut us off making Michael swerve to avoid us from being involved in a traffic accident.

We suddenly heard a siren, seeing the blue emergency lights and strobes of a State Troopers car. Michael pulled over to the side, waiting for the Trooper to come to our car. In the mean time, Claudia was an emotional wreck. The Trooper finally came to Michael’s window when he asked if something was wrong. We told him we were enroute to the hospital taking Claudia there. We were told to follow him that he would escort us there.

As Michael followed the Trooper, another joined behind us. We made it to the hospital safe and in record time. Mom and several others had been waiting for us at the doors to the ER.

Gently Claudia was placed on a gurney and a fetal monitor was attached to her abdomen as she was wheeled through the entrance doors. We thanked the Troopers for their help in getting us here safe before going inside the doors also. Mom sent me out to wait for Michael.

Michael went to park the car while I waited for him. I guess I was an emotional wreck too. I hoped and I prayed that Claudia was alright and would be alright after the baby was born.

Michael arrived at my side; we walked together through the doors of the waiting area. The Admission Clerk at the desk knew me, telling me that Claudia was being taken to the Maternity Floor having been taken to Radiology for an Ultrasound first.

We took the elevator to the third floor. Getting off we or shall I say I, stopped at the viewing window and nursery area where the babies lay in their bassinets. I couldn’t help but smile at those tiny bundles of joy.

The dream and wish of just about every woman was or is to have at least one of these. I privately thought to myself someday you will have one or more of those. My heart fluttered with a maternal instinct that I never knew I had. As I stood and watched Michael came to my side reaching for my hand.

"They’re gorgeous, aren’t they?" he said

"Yes they are." I said smiling.

"Someday love, we’ll have a few. I just know you’ll be a good mother to our children."

OhmyGosh! Mother and Children are being used in the same sentence. Michael is serious about our relationship. Mon once said something about that. How come I couldn’t be that serious? Am I Afraid? The summation to that question is hell yes I am.

I had to postpone those thoughts, Claudia had and must come first. We hurried down the hallway to the nurse’s station. I happened to see a nurse that I knew that was also a close friend of Gloria.

"Kelli, what room is Claudia in?"

"Oh Hi Jaime, she just came up. We put her into a private room, 314. Your mom and her mom are already there."

"Thanks"

We found the room, seeing our mothers waiting outside of the room. Claudia’s mom was in tears. We immediately went to console her.

"How is Sis?"

"They threw us out to run a few more tests. Josh Shapiro and both your dads are on their way." Claudia’s mom said between tears and sobs.

Josh Shapiro! Why? That was the question that I asked myself. It was then that I thought of that crazy request that Claudia made. My face went ashen!

"Are you alright Sweetie?" My mom asked.

What the hell could I say? I began to tremble as if I was deathly cold. Now I was really scared! Claudia had better not die! How in the hell can I take care of a baby! I used to be a boy! As soon as Michael took my hand I stopped trembling. I once again began to focus my thoughts.

My fright was very noticeable to everyone. How could I be so selfish? How could I just worry about myself? I had to be a strong female for my family adopted sister lying in that room. If fate was to deal a fickle hand to us then so be it. I made a promise! I will not break that promise!

"Sure mom, I think it was just a slight chill, I’m fine."

A crowd of people exited the room. John was one of them signaling for us to follow him. We entered a small meeting room following still. He indicated us to sit down. He had a forlorn look on his face.

"Mrs. Sacks has Claudia ever had any form of cardiac disease?"

"No"

"Have you noticed her to have a blue tinge to her skin?"

"Why yes, we even told the Ob/Gyn about it. They found out her Iron Levels were low and a slight heart flutter."

"Do you mean an Arrhythmia? If that is what you meant it’s an irregular heartbeat."

"I want a few more test done to be sure. I would like to have Claudia remain here at the hospital."

"John, What do you think she has?" my mom asked.

"I hope I’m wrong but it could be Eisenmenger Syndrome. People that have this syndrome are normally born with a hole in the ventricles of their heart. It causes an increased volume of blood to flow causing over time a condition called pulmonary hypertension. That can cause damage to the pulmonary blood vessels. Some vessel can become blocked or stiff. This is an irreversible situation called PVD or Pulmonary Vascular Disease."

"Wait a minute if Claudia does have this syndrome will she survive with the baby." Claudia’s mother asked.

 

"In all honesty the chances are fifty-fifty. There is also the possibility that the baby may come sooner then planned and may have a birth defect. We can’t give her anticoagulants and surgery is out of the question. There is also the possibility of stroke and complete renal failure."

Claudia’s mom broke into tears. Everyone and I went to her to calm her down and show her support. After a short time she realized she had to be strong for Claudia’s sake. We all decided that we could not and would not tell her. She was under tremendous amount of stress.

My mother’s went to the Powder Room to freshen up after the question and answer session with John. Michael and I waited in the corridor for them to come back. I happened to glance at the nurse’s station, seeing Josh Shapiro hand the Charge Nurse a paper and explaining something to her. The Charge Nurse put that paper into a chart. She then went into a cabinet and withdrew a red colored sign going to and placing it on Claudia’s room door. The sign said D N R in hospital jargon meant, Do Not Resuscitate.

I was in shock! This told all the Staff that if Claudia went into cardiac arrest or respiratory arrest that they were to do nothing to save her life. I buried my face into Michael’s chest crying again.

I felt a hand on my shoulder hearing Mr. Shapiro’s soft voice say, "Darling Jamie, the sign is Claudia’s wish. Respect her wishes and last requests she doesn’t want to be hooked up to any life support machines.

I know and you know she loves all of us. If, and I say If, she passes I will say a Kadish for her. All of us will remember her and celebrate her life. You, I, All of us will cherish her child when she is born, she will be honored as a miracle baby.

You have known Claudia for such a short time of your life. I have known her since she was born. I am also her Godfather, imagine me a Jew, a godfather.

I love her as my own as I love you for being with her and being her friend and sister. She adopted you, as I will do also. You are and will always be a part of my family."

He then took me into his arm hugging me, as my dad would do. All I could do was cry harder. He finally released me and told me to go wash my face and fix my make-up. He wanted to speak to Michael alone for a few minutes. I left the two of them alone entering the ladies room.

My mom’s took one look at me and shook their heads, laughing. I couldn’t imagine why until I looked in the mirror. I looked like a raccoon. My face had a mask just like the one I saw when looking out the window at the raccoon. My mascara must have really run. I’ll never believe advertisements again about make-up being waterproof. I was a mess!

After a considerable length of time I was repaired. I felt better and looked better. As I was getting ready we talked about what Claudia had requested. The DNR was her request which all of us had to respect. After hearing John there were many possibilities or suppositions to this debilitating disease.

What I couldn’t understand was how it wasn’t diagnosed previously. Was she born with it? My mother said she might have had a small hole in the ventricles that were never detected. Machines are not infallible or are the operators of those machines. There were many variables such as pre-ordained genetics. Claudia has a disease that is progressive in its nature.

The one thing that stuck into my mind was why? In my case why was I repaired by medical science, yet they couldn’t do anything for Claudia. This young woman is my best friend, confidant, and my support network. I hoped that she felt the same of me. I felt that Modern Medicine had failed in its finite form to help Claudia.

Claudia’s mom suddenly lashed out at me saying, "Stop that self serving, pathetic bullshit! That’s not what Claudia wants from us! We, none of us have the power to control all that happens in our lives. Claudia has asked that we do specific things, now we should all comply with her wishes.

 

I as her birth mother hope and pray that she will live through this ordeal. As John said the chances are fifty-fifty she may or may not. Accept those facts Sweetie! If she does survive this syndrome it can be cured if not she will be missed, remembered and yet still loved by all of us. We will always be blessed with her spirit."

Once again the sledgehammer hit my essence! If her mother that gave birth to this young woman could say those things about Claudia I should too.

There was a knock on the bathroom door; the door was opened by a nurse asking for me. Claudia wanted her sister to come see her she said.

Without any hesitation or reservation I left the bathroom under the smiles and hugs of both my mom’s. I walked quickly to the room stopping briefly. My dads, John, Gloria, Michael and Mr. Shapiro they each gave me a hug and a smile to give to Claudia for them. The concern was heavily chiseled into their faces.

I entered the room, seeing Claudia hooked up to vast array of many electronic machines. An oxygen cannula was going into her nose giving her that much needed air to breathe to sustain her life. Even with the poor lighting I saw the blue tinge to her skin

"Hi Little Sis. Katherine and I thank you and Michael for getting us here." Claudia said weakly, motioning me to sit on the bed next to her.

I was close to losing it, my emotions and my face said everything to her.

"Don’t you dare cry! I won’t tolerate any self pity not now! I should be the one that should be crying. I won’t be with my baby. I won’t be with her as she grows. I won’t be there when she has her birthdays, holidays, first period, puberty, dates, school, dances, proms, her marriage or the birth of her babies. So don’t you dare cry.

 

That’s why I asked you to be her mother. I want you to do those things for me. I want you to raise her as your own. I want our daughter to have the humanitarian values and qualities that you have. Those ideals can only come from her mother namely, you. I am just the surrogate in this birth. I will be gone from this shell but believe me I will be watching and guiding you from another higher plane of existence.

Now smile, give me a hug and a kiss little sister. I want everyone to come in and be with me."

What could I say? I was speechless. She was right! I did feel sorry for myself because if she were right I wouldn’t have my best friend around. Although we had different mothers and fathers we were as one, sisters. I love and will always love her.

If something should happen to her I will raise Katherine and I will be her mother. I will do as Claudia asks. I made up my mind to accept my fate as a woman for the rest of my life. I would try to be the right role model for our daughter, just as our mothers are for us.

I kissed and hugged her before going out the door motioning everyone to come into the room.

Everyone came into the room gathering around Claudia’s bed seemingly talking at one time. I remained further away so to give a little more room. I wanted them all to have a chance to visit with her.

Michael stood next to me after he said his greetings to Claudia. He put his arm around me holding me protectively.

I think he might have begun to notice that something was not quite right. It was nice of him to try to console me. I really needed to think; currently he was a distraction to my thinking process.

I could see that Claudia was either getting weaker or more tired. They have been giving her medication through I.V.’s to stop her Labor. I surely hoped it wasn’t taking a toll on her physical strength.

 

Before long a nurse entered the room asking us to leave and to come back the next day, as Claudia needed her rest. We all agreed with the nurse leaving Claudia to get much needed rest.

We all decided to go back to our house except for Mr. Shapiro who went home to his wife. We seemed to have a steady flow of neighbors coming in and out of the house once they found out about Claudia. It was remarkable how everyone was brought together into a cohesive unit.

Before we left the hospital, Mr. Shapiro handed me a fairly large envelope. He asked it not be opened it until he said it was alright to do so. I placed it into my purse forgetting about it.

I needed to get a pen out of my purse for a neighbor when I saw and remembered it. I also thought of what Mr. Shapiro asked about not opening it until he said to do so. This tweaked my curiosity.

I decided that I had to open it up to read it. Since everyone was spread out throughout the house. I went to the only place that I could have the slightest bit of privacy, my room.

I sat at my desk, opening the envelope. There were several typewritten pages and a copy of a handwritten letter in Claudia’s writing. I proceeded to read the handwritten pages first:

Uncle Josh,

 

Please draw up the necessary papers that in the event of my death. The Birth Certificate of Katherine will name Jaime as the birth mother.

I would like a Living Will drawn up. I specifically state I don’t want to be hooked up to any machines or drugs to keep me alive. Remember no arguments and don’t try to change my mind. I really know what I’m doing. If I am to die I wish it to be with dignity.

The reason that I ask that you to do this is, for several nights I’ve been having bad dreams that when I have the baby I would die. They’re always the same I’m scared, really, really scared. I didn’t want to tell mom, you know how worried she gets. Jaime and Gloria both know of the dreams,

The baby has to be cared for. She’ll need a mother not her Grandmother to take care of her. Jaime and I have been through so much together and have grown so much closer. She is the sister I never had. She and Gloria have helped me so much keeping my head together.

I just know that if something should happen to me that my baby and her young life will be taken and nurtured properly by someone close to her own mother’s personality and age. Uncle Josh, Jaime does fit that criterion. Signed Claudia Sacks"

I cried as I finished her letter to Mr. Shapiro. I could not fathom why she felt she would die. I continued to read on.

 

Darling Jaime;

She’s right you know. You two are the closest I’ve ever seen to twins as to traits, appearance, personality and disposition. If I recall even your blood type is the same isn’t that what Gloria once said.

I also know that you could not keep from reading this before I told you too. Your curiosity got the better of you. That is all a part of being human so please continue to read.

Love

Uncle Josh (The Adopted Jewish One)

 

I smiled after I read his note. I went to the next letter:

 

Jaime Dear;

If you are reading this I’ve Passed On to a Higher Plane of Existence. Do not mourn me, celebrate and remember me.

You said that just because I have dreams doesn’t mean I am going to die.

Yes it does, you see, I’m precognitive, clairvoyant, second sighted. Those are just some of the names for people like me. I’ve had dreams in the past ever since I can remember. Usually the dreams that I had came true. Some were bad dreams and some were good dreams. Some came true and some didn’t. Most Did! I pray that this is one of the few times I’m wrong, but if I’m not, I want you to do as I ask. Also right now, you are asking yourself if I saw my own rape and yours. Yeah, no, I dunno. I think I did but usually my dreams are about others not of me and not of those tied to me. Jaime please don’t be angry or mystified about these disclosures.

For some unknown reason, I didn’t see what was going to happen to you. The only reason I can think of is that we may be very close in our Alpha Pattern frequency and genetics.

You’re probably asking why you don’t have those type of dreams? Well maybe you will and maybe you won’t. Don’t forget we each have two different sets of parents. Granted we do look and act like twins, I mean our physical resemblance is uncanny.

I had you make promises to me. I ask that those promises be fulfilled. Katherine is your daughter to be raised by you for me. When she is older, married and has her first child you may tell her about me not until then. If she becomes angry then you may let her read this letter. She will be angry with us both if she has our personalities but she’ll get over her madness.

I pray that she does not inherit the ability of Second Sight. If she does, please be understanding just as I would be.

Ensure that our daughter is cared for by all. If our mothers and fathers and our grandparents try to spoil her please don’t allow it. You and I know they will.

Jaime I thank you for being there for me. You truly cared, never change that trait.

I will always love you and everyone

With all my Love forever

Claudia

P.S. When you and Michael get married and have another child, name her after me, please.

 

My tears ran freely down my face. I wept heavily for the impending loss of my best friend and sister. We were each others support through our life trials. What would I do without her? Her advice? Her Love? Her friendship? Her very being?

As I sat heavily weeping, Gloria walked into the room. She quickly came over to me.

"What’s wrong, Honey?"

I handed her the papers without saying a word. She took them as I went to the bathroom to compose myself. I thought of Claudia as I freshened up. She would probably hit me for making such a scene. Mom once said there is nothing wrong with showing or drawing from your emotions but you also must be strong, passing that strength to your children and husband. You are the stabilizing factor or the mortar of the family.

I had to agree with her. That message was not cryptic in any way. I had to learn to be just as all mothers throughout the world that they are the foundation of the family unit.

I finished in the bathroom going back into my room. Gloria had just finished reading all the pages. I could see she also was on the verge of tears.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"I should be the one asking you that question."

"Honey, we’re sisters now and forever. I don’t want to sound cruel, but do you think you can handle the baby? "

That’s what moms, dads and sisters are for, aren’t they? To help I mean."

"Okay I get the message. I’ll be there and so will everyone else. I think you already knew that didn’t you?"

 

"You know I do. What I’m worried about I really don’t know anything about babies. My lord, I was a boy up until several months ago. I was never taught the things that girls learn as they grow up. I don’t even know if I can handle the responsibility."

"Sis, you’ll have more help then you think. Our Dads already said they’d help too. Besides, you have two nurses that will help to teach you. One other thing, when I have my baby I expect your help in return."

I gave Gloria a hug. I would gladly help her but was she sending me a message. Her baby? Sure, why not! I’ll have experience by that time. If all goes well and Claudia does survive I’ll be there to help her too.

The house was still active. I managed to take Michael aside and show him the letter. At first he was silent rubbing his eyes.

"You do know Claudia loves and trusts you? You do know that I’ll help? If this does happen I will be there for you both."

Now I knew why I cared for this man. He truly was someone special. The baby was not his problem. He was gladly telling me that he would be around for us. What could I say? I gladly responded to him with a kiss. He returned it without any indecision. Did I love him? I think so!

My body says I do!

I walked with him to the door. He needed to get some rest because he had a class the next morning, wanting to study for it. We kissed at the door one final time before he left. I didn’t know that mom and dad saw us.

When I shut the door, turning around I saw them. They both came to me and held me not saying a word. We detached ourselves I told them that I was tired. Mom said that Gloria and dad would help her clean up. I hurried to my room longing for the solitude of it.

 

I quickly got ready for bed doing what had to be done and in bed in record time. I hugged the bear that Michael had given me longing for it to be him.

Within minutes, I was asleep reliving my assault. Only this time I fought my attackers eventually fleeing from them. I awoke abruptly as this was the first time the dream changed. I knew it meant something, but what? I slept soundly for the first time in months. I decided not to tell anyone of this occurrence going back to sleep.

For the next several days, we all went to see Claudia. It appeared that the treatment therapy was working. The blue tinge was partially gone from her skin. I had a difficult time understanding why medical science did not catch this abnormality.

Claudia’s mom was depressed and blaming herself that she did not check to see if Claudia was taking her Birth Control pills. She was blaming herself for many things that weren’t her fault.

One day mom and Gloria took Claudia’s mom out they were gone the entire day. When they came back, Claudia’s mom was a changed woman. I don’t know what happened to change her but I wished they had done that to me to get rid of the Dreams. I was still happy that she returned to normal. They would not explain what happened to change her outlook. I knew it wasn’t medication. It could possibly be hypnosis I really didn’t know.

We had all been preparing the house for the Holidays. Mom went to work but Gloria was off shift. Dad was going to bed. It started snowing earlier that day. There was an accumulation of over six inches on the ground. I turned off the lights watching the snow falling to the ground. I marveled at the whiteness of it, how pure it looked. I sat in the window for several hours just watching letting my mind go blank.

I was shaken back to reality when the telephone rang. For some unknown reason, I looked at my watch. It was 3:00am, no one calls at this hour not even mom.

 

I answered the telephone first. It was mom telling me that Claudia, went into labor. I ran to wake everyone while throwing on Jeans, sweater and boots. I applied the briefest of cosmetics. I Grabbed my coat purse and hat heading to the garage, quickly. The SUV was already warm when Gloria and Dad arrived.

As we backed out I saw Claudia’s parents heading down the road very slowly in their SUV. We caught up to them staying behind them all the way to the hospital. We parked next to each other. We stayed together walking inside to maternity waiting room after checking in at reception. Joshua Shapiro had beat us there along with John, Gloria’s doctor boyfriend. I could see the anxiety on the faces of them all.

All we could do was wait. My mom was able to sneak upstairs for a few minutes asking if we heard anything. We hadn’t spoken to anyone. She thought it was best just to wait, which we did.

Several hours later mom came back with tears in her eyes going to Claudia’s mom and dad. A man came into the room identifying himself as the night attending physician.

"Your Daughter gave birth this morning to a very healthy baby girl. She weighed in at six pounds and five ounces.

I’m sorry to say we lost the mother in the birth. We wish to offer our condolences to all of you on your loss of the mother and your daughter. Congratulations on the birth of a new life into this world.

Claudia was a loving and caring person. She loved each and every one of you deeply. She conveyed that message to me every time I was with her. If it is any consolation she did not suffer we believe the cause of death was an embolism to the brain."

Mr. Shapiro spoke saying, "since it was Claudia’s wish not to be autopsied is that what you will put down on the Death Certificate?"

"You must be Claudia’s Uncle Josh. She spoke of and described you exactly. The answer is yes to your question.

 

I want to tell you that Claudia showed us all what love and compassion are all about. She took a piece of each one of us that worked on this floor giving us a piece of herself. She will always be remembered by each of us. She was a very brave and courageous young lady."

He went to Claudia’s parents personally giving his condolences. Mom and dad stayed by me as I wept. Mom sent Gloria and John to stay by Claudia’s mom while her husband and Mr. Shapiro left the room.

My loss was too great to ponder. I knew what my adopted mom was feeling. I went to her holding her tightly as I cried. I mourned for my adopted sister and my best friend. I will always miss her but a part of her will always be in my heart. She will always be remembered by me and for what she did for me.

If it had not been for her when I was in my depressive state, I may not be here today. She helped me overcome my fears. She was the one that made me laugh when I wanted to cry. She was the one that helped me adjust to my new sex. She was the one that was always there for me. She taught how to deal with my new emotions. She helped to teach me how a woman should be and how to act as one. She taught me how to deal with boys although I once was one. Being on the other side of the fence is an entirely different experience.

We knew each other’s deepest darkest secrets, aspirations, and hopes. I will deeply miss her in every aspect of my life. I made promises to her that now I must keep.

The time for mourning, the passing of my best friend was upon us. At the same, we had to celebrate the birth of her daughter. It was then that the thought stuck me cold. Katherine was now my daughter.

We had all cried ourselves out after awhile. It was then that I asked my mother if we could see the baby as I dried my tears. My adopted mom smiled at me saying, "Sweetie you’re her mother now, do just as Claudia asked."

We all walked to the nursery-viewing window. My mom went to use the telephone telling the supervisor she needed to be with us. Gloria went to speak to one of the nurses with John. The viewing window had the drapes drawn shut.

We just stood there waiting for mom, Gloria and John to return. My Adopted mom and I held each other’s hands as we waited. I could feel the inner strength of this woman. She was so much like my mom in so many ways. I hoped and wondered if I would ever be as strong as they are.

Now I knew why Claudia was so self-assured, she received that strength for this woman that birthed her. Was this strength inherited or was this strength acquired or learned by all females? How was it this inner strength was not this noticeable when I was a male? I made a mental notation that I would draw from this strength and Katherine would draw it from me.

As each day that passed after my assault, rape, hospitalization and adjustment. I had almost forgotten that I was born male. Only my ever-present nightmares told me I once was.

My mother’s, both of them would once again have to teach me how to be a mother to Katherine. Doubts began to form in my mind. Doubts of me being as they are a mother and now Grandmother. Oh my lord, our fathers are grandfathers, our grandparents are now great grandparents. I think Katherine may become a bit spoiled. At least she will be always loved and cared for.

"What are you thinking about?"

I was about to tell her just as everyone came back including Mr. Shapiro and my adopted dad both were holding bags that I could assumed were Claudia’s personal effects.

The supervising nurse of the shift came to offer her condolences to all of us but particularly to Claudia’s mom and dad. She opened a door entering into the nursery waving for us to follow.

All of us entered. I was told to wash up and to gown up. She asked us to wait pointing for me to sit in a rocking chair after I was ready. She then came out of the room with another nurse carrying something in her arms wrapped in a blanket. She handed me a baby. No, Claudia’s baby! I became emotional as I held her.

"Mom, meet your new daughter Katherine." She said smiling positioning my arms and hands correctly to hold the newborn babe.

My, she was small! Just a few hours old! Her eyes were closed but her lips wanted to suckle. I was handed a small nursing bottle filled with formula to feed her. Again I was shown how by the nurse.

As Katherine took the bottle she opened her green eyes just like Claudia’s color and mine are. I looked around at everyone saying, "Grandmother’s, Grandfather’s, Aunt Gloria, Future Uncle John and of course Great Uncle Josh meet Katherine. Claudia’s and my daughter, I made a promised to your birth mother and I make a promise to you my daughter. I will love, take care of you, guide you, and prepare you for womanhood."

I once again I thought of my departed adopted sister at what she had said one day in the past when she saw me undressing after coming home from the hospital.

"Jaime they’ve grown! They’re just the right size for nursing."

I smiled to myself thinking I might ask John and about breast-feeding if it wasn’t too late. I also smiled at Katherine I hoped this is what they call mother-child bonding.

John and Gloria gave me a strange look at first telling their secret. Then they both smiled holding each other. Everyone else just smiled the knowing look of all parents have around the world that have children. The nurses gave their knowing looks too. It wasn’t any secret in the hospital about those two lovebirds.

Everyone seemed to surround us at one time. Several pictures were taken of this event. Katherine was content as she was held cradled in my arms. I was content as I held my infant daughter. My infant daughter? That sounded strange for a used to be boy. Boy, hell! I’m a woman, with a woman and mother’s responsibilities. I’m also a single mom! My Lord, I’m a teenage single mom. So What! Millions of single parents today managed the responsibility of household and children. I was just one more of these parents.

We were all told that Katherine would be staying for at least two more days. These were simply for a few medical tests and for observation. We were also told to be at the hospital at certain times to help in feeding her and for me to come for mothering and baby care lessons. I was told that my supervisor would be told to comply by the hospital administrator.

I agreed without reservation. I surely needed the instruction. Sure, I could rely on everyone but I wasn’t about to do that. If Katherine needed changing, I would do it. Being fed, again I would do it. She was my total responsibility not her Grandparents or her Aunt Gloria.

Well, maybe I could share a bit with them.

Katherine finished her bottle in record time. With the nurse’s instructions I learned to burp her. She let out the air easily smiling at me afterward. There was no doubt we were bonding as mother and daughter.

I could see by the looks on everyone faces that they too wanted to hold her. I think the nurses read their minds and mine. They took control of the situation.

The nurses took everyone one by one to get them washed and gowned up. They didn’t ask anyone if they wanted to hold the baby they just did it on their own. I never saw such a happier, prouder group of people. One by one they held Katherine. They spoke to her. They made noises. Katherine was happy! The nurses took two pictures of her being held by each of them. One picture was for them to have and one picture was for Katherine’s baby book.

Claudia’s mom said she looked just as Claudia did when she was born. I saw that picture, I would happen to agree with her. I would still always miss my best friend and her ever-present cheerfulness but I saw that Katherine seemed to have inherited that trait. I somehow knew that that Claudia was with us smiling and guiding us as she said she would.

I held Katherine one more time giving her a motherly kiss. I noticed that she was fast asleep as I handed her to the nurse. Both mothers came over to me putting their hands on my shoulders to let me know I did well.

 

We all placed our gowns into the trash as we left the room. Going out into the hallway. Not a word was spoken by any of us as we left the hospital. The men stayed inside a bit longer as they said they had something to do. They asked if we would start the cars. We could go as soon as they came out.

I managed to get John off to the side when we left the room. I told him I decided I wanted to breast feed Katherine. He told me there were two common drugs that were available. One was Metoclopramide and Domperidone both would induce lactation but the first had some nasty side effects. We both decided upon the Domperidone. He said he would bring the tablets for me later. It would take about three to four days to work.

The snow had stopped as we came out into the cold weather outside. It was blowing a bit but not badly. I happened to look off toward the ER noticing a funeral hearse parked there. My eyes teared as I saw the sight. They were here to remove the human remains of someone. Perhaps Claudia’s, I thought as I was brought back to reality.

Mom saw the tears and the hearse saying, "Sweetie, she’ll always be with us in each and every one of our heart’s. We’ll all miss her deeply. She gave us all happiness during her short time on this earth. Now we have a responsibility to her daughter. You darling have that much more responsibility to see that Katherine is brought up as Claudia would have wanted or would have done so herself. Terri, Phil and your dad will help but the ultimate responsibility is yours."

I drew a big intake of air, she was right. The ultimate responsibility was mine entirely. Dad finally came to the SUV climbing into the drivers’ seat. The ride home was a long one for me. I saw that the Snowplows had been out cleaning the snow but I also thought of what everyone said.

I’ve always had some sort of responsibility as I grew. Now I had accepted a larger amount of responsibility. I had my doubts about being a mother. I had doubts in my ability to raise a child. What if I made a mistake? It was then that I decided to ask everyone for help.

 

During the next few days we all were very busy. The arrangements for Claudia’s funeral services had been made. She was to be interred into the Family Mausoleum at the local cemetery. Dad and mom helped Claudia’s family as much as they could. All of us gave them as much moral support as we could. There was a never-ending stream of neighbors coming to pay their respects and giving their condolences.

I started the Domperidone to stimulate the production of my breast milk for Katherine. The results would take at least three to four days and Katherine had to suckle at my breast in the meantime, just as though I was breast feeding her. When I told mom I needed a Breast Pump all she did was smile. I think John or Gloria may have told her what I intended to do.

I needed to assemble a nursery quickly. Katherine would be with me in my room along with Auntie Gloria. I forgot to tell you that Gloria and I decided we preferred to have each other close. As a matter of fact her room had been ready for months for her to move into. We both procrastinated with her moving into it. I asked her to stay in my room with me, she accepted gladly. Beside I needed the help!

Another bedroom was converted to Katherine’s nursery. The store delivered the furniture and was set it up the same day. A changing table, rocker, and bassinet was set up in my room. Oh, did I fail to mention the medical supply house delivered all the breast-feeding supplies and an electric Breast Pump. Mom instructed me immediately in its use. Now I know how a cow feels!

However, for the next few weeks Katherine would be with me in my room. While both Grandmothers and Great Grandmothers had to shop for her clothes and other items.

My classes in maternal care, sanitation and the feedings of my daughter had been going well. The nurses were all pleased with my progress. Of course, the proud grandmothers had to be there too. They came to give their support not to judge my abilities. They all showed their support in my wanting to breast-feed; they showed me things that made some of the chores easier for me in taking care of Katherine.

The day arrived that Katherine would be coming home. All the medical tests showed she was a happy healthy baby. Michael had asked to accompany us, as both dads had to get the preparations done for Claudia’s Wake and memorial finished.

I was told at the hospital not to bring anything but myself and a great deal of help. I thought that was strange but whom am I to argue with the people I work with. You really do must do anything to maintain peace and harmony in the workplace.

My mother drove the SUV, mother Terri in the front passenger seat. Michael, I, and an infant carrier in the back seat. The streets were fairly clear after the last snow with the threat of more snow for the next few days.

We arrived at the hospital, parked and headed for the nursery. We arrived at the nursery, the nurse had just finished feeding her and changing Katherine’s diaper. She was very close to going back to sleep.

I took her into my arms holding her. I began to think again of how I missed Claudia. I was brought back to reality by mother Terri holding a pink quilted garment with sleeves, mittens and a hood for Katherine. I looked at it closely it was made similarly to a sleeping bag. I also didn’t see her carry the garment with her.

She opened it up indicating to me to place Katherine with her receiving blankets into it. Once Katherine was place into it we zippered and buttoned it down. She was so small we probably could of fit two more of her into it. I then placed her into her carrier adjusting the tiny harness.

Michael volunteered to carry Katherine to the SUV. The nurse gave me a stocked diaper bag, more disposable diapers, stuffed animals, and enough baby formula for a month. I was also given her dates for the doctor’s office appointments.

We each said our thanks to the nurses leaving the nursery with our arms full. I looked at Katherine several times on the way out of the hospital. She was fast asleep and stayed that way all the way home.

Both dads had arrived just as we pulled into the driveway. They both hurried over to help us. Michael carried Katherine inside to my room as both dads carried the formula, diapers, toys and diaper bag in. Not a complaint was heard from them!

Michael was waiting for me as I entered the room saying, "She’s still sleeping mom."

It took me by surprise all I could do was smile and take my coat off quickly. Letting Michael take our coats to hang them up. I took Katherine out of the carrier and her quilted sleeping bag.

She remained sleeping as I held her in my arms. I was then surprised as a camera flashed while I held her. My dad had decided to take a picture of us. I unwrapped Katherine a bit laying her down in the bassinet. I marveled how she just remained sleeping.

I placed the rocker near her bassinet. I sat and watched her. I thought of so many different things: Claudia’s assault and rape, my arrest, jail time, my assault, rape, mutilation, my new sex, Claudia’s pregnancy, her death, Katherine’s birth, Breast Feeding, and my motherhood. My mind swam with these events they were etched into the fabric of my mind.

I thought of the future; Katherine growing up, me getting married to Michael, having children. When our children became teenagers I awoke with a start.

I opened my eyes I was covered with a light blanket I must have fallen asleep. I looked down in the bassinet with Katherine still slept. I needed the bathroom first then to quench my thirst in that order.

I did exactly that. I was in the kitchen getting a soda from the fridge. I popped the top and remembered to get a glass and pour the soda into the glass. I heard voices coming from the family room. I entered to the smiles of everyone there.

"Did you have a good nap hon." Mom asked.

"I guess, Katherine is still sleeping. I needed something to drink." I said as I sat tucking my legs under me.

"We were just saying that Claudia’s visitation starts tomorrow at noon. We’re all going to be there at the funeral home in shifts. We think it may be a good idea that you stay at home with Katherine. I know you’ll want to be at the interment but I, no, we want you to think of Katherine first. I heard on the radio that they’re forecasting heavy amounts of snow with blowing and drifting. I think they said blizzard conditions."

"Look everyone I know what you’re saying but you have to remember Claudia was a sister to me and she Katherine’s true birth mother. We, I need to say goodbye. I need to say we love her one last time. Sure I’ll always remember her in my heart but this is really important to me."

"Mr. Sacks, Mrs. Sacks, Mr. Pierson, Mrs. Pierson, Gloria and John, I think I may have a solution. I’ll take Jaime and the baby to the funeral home in my SUV for the final viewing and instead of the church, we’ll meet you at the mausoleum for the Claudia’s interment. That way the baby will be out of the elements and won’t disturb the services." Michael said.

I heard it but I didn’t believe it at first, when they all said that Michael had a logical idea. I had to run from the room before they said anything further as Katherine started to cry.

First, she needed a changing. So I changed her and put her into a fresh nightgown. Then I saw it was time to feed her. Michael entered the room so I asked if he would hold her. I showed him how then went to get a prepared bottle.

I was returning to the bedroom when I saw Gloria in the hallway smiling. When she saw me, she put her finger to her lips to indicate for me to be quite pointing into the room.

When I got to the doorway Michael and Katherine both had smiles on their faces.

"I think he’s a keeper Sis. Not too many men would do what you asked him to do especially with a newborn." Gloria said softly.

 

I knew she was right but I still had a few problems to work out mentally before I could even think of a closer relationship. Alright sure we did some of the things that come naturally between boy and girl. I said some things! Not everything! Technically, no not technically, I was and still am a virgin. It’s not that I’m afraid to have sexual intercourse it’s as if I’m still thinking as a boy would although I’m no longer a male.

I’ve spoken to John, Gloria and somewhat to mom about the problem they all assured me that my thinking would change. It hasn’t yet! Do I feel the stirrings of passion with Michael the answer to that question is yes. Oh yes! Am I lesbian or bisexual the answer I think is no. I don’t look at another woman the same as I used to. When I look at a man it’s how I used to look at women. Lustily! I look at Michael that way all the time.

I came back down to earth going into the bedroom. I took Katherine from Michael, sitting down on the rocker with her. I undid my blouse and released the front clasp of my bra releasing my filling breast. I cleaned my nipples then I adjusted Katherine in my arms so she could suckle. She didn’t need any help as soon as she felt my nipple, her little mouth went straight to the new food source.

What a strange sensation it was for me. It wasn’t like what Michael had done to stimulate me sexually. It was a feeling of normalcy and contentment knowing my baby was a now truly a part of me. After about fifteen minutes, I changed her position to suckle at my other breast. I had to do this at each of her feedings until my milk flowed for her. I noticed she had a look of contentment as she closed her eyes. Again, she went back into a sound sleep in my arms. I then placed her back into the bassinet allowing her to sleep.

I went to the bathroom to put myself back together and to prepare for the next feeding. I cleaned and moisturized my nipples. Then placed breast pads into the cups of my bra just incase of leakage, clasping my bra around my larger breasts. Once I had my blouse buttoned, I went back to the bedroom.

 

Once in the bedroom I went back to check on Katherine.

Michael came to my side taking my hand into his. I needed to think some but Michael disturbed my normal thought patterns. I was sexually aroused by him. There was no doubt of that neither in my mind nor in my panties. Was it because of the breast-feeding or was it because of Michael?

I knew that the answer was Michael.

I asked myself repeatedly why I couldn’t overcome the feelings that I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. Why am I holding his hand? Why am I sexually aroused? Why do I like being kissed? Why do I show my emotions the way I do? The only conclusion was I am and always will be a woman. There is no need to keep feeling guilty.

I held Michael’s hand tighter igniting the flame of love within us. I sensed he felt it too. He slowly turned to face me kissing me deeply. There were no doubts to who and what I am as he did this. If only I could forget my past life. If only I could forget, I was ever male. If only I could forget the doubts I had. Will the Dark Beast in my subconscious ever die? Would the dreams and nightmares stop? Mom and dad said I would forget my doubts in time. My mind would heal as my body did. I genuinely hoped so.

When I was held by Michael I felt clean and whole. I felt as if the rapes had never occurred. I felt as if the person I was today is the person I always had been. I started to believe that my destiny was only partially fulfilled indirectly through Claudia. Marriage and bearing Michael’s children, our children, may fulfill the rest.

I started to cry as Michael held me in his arms. I broke down and told him exactly what I had been thinking. He listened intently to what I said letting me speak. Everything I thought that was pushed to the furthermost recesses of my mind spilled from my lips. His only reaction was to kiss me deeply holding me to him.

 

Michael continued holding me in his strong arms saying softly, "I love you. I’m here for you and for Katherine. I want you and Katherine there for me. My mom and dad want you as a part of the family. I’m not going to say that I know your pain or have felt it. What I can say is I’ll always be around for you. I still want you to marry me when you’re ready. I want to play a part in raising Katherine and our children. I want Katherine to have brothers and sisters just as you do. Darling I do love you and I always will."

I felt comforted but I felt too young to do as Michael asked. I heard that little voice saying to me you’re too young, you agreed to raise someone elses baby! Your moms, dads and sister aren’t always going to be available to help you all the time. Michael is willing to do this. He loves you. Wake up you idiot! I finally told Michael I needed time to think before making a decision. I also told him that both of our educations had to be completed first.

Michael never wavered in his reply of yes to me. I do love him. I want him to bond with Katherine as her father. I want him to be strong with and for her. We kissed fervently as our essences merged together as one. How many times can I or will I say that I do love him. How many times can he say that he loves me.

I heard a light cough in the doorway, turning I saw my mother there.

"Alright you two, I think you both need showers to cool off. Michael your mom telephoned you need to get your dad at work. His car won’t start and he needs a ride home. She said he’s having the car towed to the Dealer."

"Thanks for the message, I better go. I’ll see you tomorrow after classes Jaime. I love you."

Michael said leaving the room, getting his coat, heading for the outside door quickly. Mom came into the room wrapping her arm around my waist saying, "Are you ready for this relationship, Sweetie?"

"Mom I’m so confused. I hold Katherine I feel it’s right for me. This is how it should be. When I’m with Michael, my body says yes but, my mind at times says, no it’s wrong."

"Honey, Don’t rush into anything that you can’t handle think about what you are about to do before you do it. Michael will wait he’s patient. I think he does know that you’re confused more then you are giving him credit for. Katherine depends primarily upon you. I’m elated that your maternal instincts are functioning."

"But Mother, will the confusion ever stop?"

"Sure if you don’t dwell on the past but focus on the future. You my dear daughter have a daughter, boyfriend and more family then many people have. Your daughter needs you, your boyfriend wants you as his mate and we love you. I would consider myself very fortunate having all these gifts from those around you."

Mom was right I was very fortunate. I never really gave much thought about any of those things. She made me think of how fortuitous I really was. Still Michael was a nagging question. Could I be his wife, lover, and his mate for the rest of our lives? Did I have the right mindset to be a wife and mother? Girls are trained for these natural actions from birth. I on the other hand was not! I had to learn everything that came naturally to a woman. I had to learn everything that came naturally to a young girl. I had to adjust to the driven hormones of this new body. I was no longer the one that chased the opposite sex I was the one being chased. I was abruptly brought out of my thoughts as Katherine made some noises that I heard. Mom immediately released me allowing me to check her.

I bent over the bassinet making sure she was tucked in. I gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"Sweetie, that’s what motherhood is about, the protection, nurturing and love of our young. You my dear daughter have those qualities. They are not acquired or learned traits but inbred."

Mom leaned over and kissed my on the forehead just as I did to Katherine. I could see the pride in her face. I felt good that I had done well.

 

The next two days were hell for everyone. Claudia’s parents and mine spent normally twelve hours a day at the funeral chapel for Claudia’s visitation. When they returned they seemed exhausted from the constant flow of people paying their last respects.

My days and my nights were just as busy taking care of Katherine. I was pleased that Gloria, John and Michael were around to give me a break or to help with the baby. Their help was truly appreciated by me.

The day of the interment arrived with greater sorrow in our hearts. Everyone seemed to be ready to go to the funeral home but me. I had a very difficult time getting ready for the inevitable. I had to say goodbye to my best friend and the mother of Katie. I finally finished dressing crying as I did so. Mom had gotten Katie ready, as I was finishing up. Dad, John and Michael waited very impatiently for us to enter the living room.

Mom had said that Terri and Phil would meet us at the funeral home, as they had to sign and receive some documents.

Due to the weather conditions and predicted weather we tried to dress as warm as possible which meant slacks, sweaters and boots. We all looked as if we lived above the Arctic Circle the way we were dressed.

Mom, dad, Gloria, John, Michael and myself arrived at the funeral home entering through the front door. Mom and dad went directly to the Chapel taking us to where the coffin laid open with the earthly remains of Claudia.

The chapel was full with Claudia’s family, neighbors and friends. Michael, Katie and I slowly made our way to the front where the coffin was. As soon as I saw Claudia’s shell lying inside that coffin I was overtaken by grief.

 

It struck me hard that this would be the last time I ever saw her earthly form. I placed a photograph of Katherine and myself inside the coffin along with a small teddi bear they were just small symbols of our love and earthly ties to her. I considered myself extremely fortunate to have had Claudia for my best friend even though our time together was not long. I somehow knew that she or a piece of her would always be with Katherine and myself. We would always be tied together by our essences.

As the coffin was closed and sealed I reminded myself again of our ties together as I held Katie in my arms. Somehow I felt better as the lid was closed. I could feel many eyes staring at me. I remained stalwart for my daughter and those around us. I tried to set the example of a strong woman that Claudia would want me to be. Our mothers and grandmothers are strong but Claudia was stronger in a great many ways. She was one of the strongest young woman I had ever known or might ever know.

As the coffin was taken from the chapel and placed into the hearse we were all there. The weather as predicted did get worse. Michael held my arm as I held Katie. I made sure she was warm and protected properly.

I heard Claudia’s Grandmother say to Claudia’s mom And Grandmother Pierson as I adjusted Katie’s covers, what Claudia wanted was sensible, she made a very intelligent choice in choosing your granddaughter, my adopted granddaughter and your adopted daughter.

I had to smile inwardly, I felt so very proud at that moment to become Katie’s mother with grandmother Sack’s and grandmother Pierson’s approval. I was so proud that a woman, wife, mother and grandmother could say those words about a former boy. I also know that grandmother Sack’s wanted me to hear what see said.

It was time for the vehicle procession to begin to the church. I was lightly touched on my shoulder as I looked still at the hearse.

"I know you heard every word that I said, granddaughter. Michael, you will take care of them won’t you?" Said grandmother Sacks as she kissed us both with tears in her eyes.

"If you don’t you’ll have all of the families grandmothers and mother’s after you." Grandmother Pierson said kissing both of us again.

"Sure, you know I will. They’re both very important to me." Michael said as he gave them both a hug.

"Michael, We’d better let them get to their cars. The procession looks like they’re ready to go to church." I said giving them both a kiss.

Grandmother Sacks and Pierson gave each of us another kiss then walked briskly to their cars with Grandfather Sacks and Pierson waiting. We at the same time went to Michael’s SUV.

Neither of us spoke until the engine was throwing vast amounts of heat into the SUV. I don’t think I could speak as I shivered from the cold that seemed to penetrate my body although I wore a Down full length Storm Coat with a hood, scarf, mittens, and heavily insulated boots.

I checked on Katie as the SUV warmed. She was doing her favorite pastime, sleeping. I was slightly worried about the cold weather affecting her as I turned around in the seat.

"She’s fine mom, stop worrying." Michael said as we pulled away from the curb.

"I know but I just can’t help it. She isn’t even a week old yet and the weather is brutal today."

Michael understood the concern I had. He took my mittened hand into his as we pulled away from the curb saying, "I know this isn’t the time or place but I want you to know that I think you are something very special. No you are something very special particularly to me. I love you very much I knew that from the first time I saw you in the hospital. Katie, I fell in love with the moment I held her. You’re both so special to me in so many ways."

What was he babbling about? Was I interpreting the wrong message? Love? Something Special? I hope he isn’t even suggesting what I think he’s saying.

Chronologically, I’m too young for even the slightest suggestion of marriage without the permission of mom and dad. At the same time I’m also too young to be a mother. Mentally I would have to assume that I was mature after what I’ve been through. My primary responsibility from now until she became an adult was to Katherine. I needed to think this new situation over.

I looked at Michael saying, "I think it’s time for us to talk about us."

I told him what I thought. I could not deny that I love him. I told him that Katherine was my primary concern. We spoke of college and what it meant to the both of us. Our families might not approve of a total plunge into marriage due to many factors again it was Katherine, my age, my rape, my new and old sex and of course my physical and mental health. We also spoke of the potential discrimination due to the high press profile of what had happened to me.

For every objection he had an answer. It was as if he had thought of all my objections.

"Sweetheart, We do love each other and the two of us love Katherine. She’s also my primary concern and she needs a father. I’m volunteering for that job. You need a husband, mate and someone other then the family to confide in. I want that job too. I want to be a part of both your lives. Whatever happened to you I will be there to listen to the minutest detail of anything you want to say to me. You have always had the support of my family and myself. All I ask is you think about what I’ve said."

What could I say except that I would think about what he said. After all he was kind, gentile, attentive and loving. Would he ever change his disposition as we aged? I also thought of what my family would say. Would they insist on chaperones? How about a Chastity Belt? Should I get earplugs? I guess I’ll be Grounded until I’m 18! I was willing to bet that if Claudia were around she’d be laughing hysterically. I needed to speak to mom; I needed her advice quickly.

 

It was then that Katherine decided to awaken. She wanted to be fed and changed. I saw a restaurant, asking Michael to pull into the lot. It didn’t take long to unhook her, taking her and the diaper bag inside into the ladies room very quickly. I told Michael to order coffee for us while Katherine had her milk.

I had just finished cleaning and changing her when I looked for her bottles. I found one empty bottle but no full ones. I could have sworn I put some in the bag. I dressed her quickly placing her on the folding changing table.

Sticking my hand inside my blouse and bra I felt my breasts, they did seem much more fuller in size. When the nipple was squeezed lightly, milk flowed from it. Well at least Katherine would get something for nourishment. I undid my blouse and bra baring my breasts picking up and cradling Katherine in my arms. I grabbed a receiving blanket from and sat in a chair draping the blanket over us as she found my nipple. I cannot even describe the sensations or the elation I felt as she drew sustenance from me. Now that she was being breast-fed, I would have to monitor my diet and Katherine’s weight closely.

While she ate, I thought to myself, Well Jaime you’re all girl now, once again you’ve surprised yourself. The joy I felt was immeasurable that I could feed my baby. Gee, that sounded good. My baby! I smiled at her as she suckled.

Katherine finished and was burped with no problems. I laid her down again on the changing table as I got dressed again leaving the ladies room to find Michael.

We found him easily, sitting down with him. At least he had remembered to bring in the baby carrier when I left it in the SUV. I placed Katherine in the carrier. She went back to sleep immediately with a smile on her face. Michael and I talked in generalities as the restaurant was a public place and anyone could hear our conversation. We finished our coffee, picked up Katherine, paid the bill and left.

 

Within a scant five minutes we were in the cemetery parked in front of the Sack’s Family Mausoleum with the name craved in stone above the doors. It was an imposing massive structure made of granite and marble that looked as cold as death itself. It has the appearance of old classic Roman or Greek architecture with massive iron gates and a set of double doors at the only entrance.

I really didn’t think of the structure or the surroundings were we in. The reality of life started to kick in. We are born, live, love, procreate and then die. That was the life cycle we as humans basically go through. My thoughts were of the justification of my existence. Then I realized my existence was for my daughter Katherine, for my future husband and the ones we loved around us called family.

We as human beings must try, no succeed to survive, overcome and adapt to our surroundings and situations. We must learn to heal ourselves mentally or seek the help and love of those around us.

I moved closer to Michael; ever so slowly I turned and kissed him not with passion but with thanks. I didn’t have to say a word nor did he. He understood silently why I did it. It would seem that lately the two of us knew exactly what the other was thinking, our moods, likes and dislikes. This was a trait I shared with only two other persons, my mother and Claudia. Now it appears a third person, Michael.

Cemetery workers arriving at the mausoleum brought us back to reality. We watched as they opened the gates and double doors. Shortly the hearse and procession of vehicles arrived escorting Claudia’s remains. It was time for us to brave the weather to say our good-byes to my best friend, sister and my baby’s birth mother.

Michael exited the SUV first coming to the passenger side to open my door. The cold and snow hit me almost immediately as I stepped from the vehicle going to the rear door to retrieve Katherine. At first, I was concerned about Katherine being in the cold and snow. I knew that the people paying their last respects to Claudia would understand us not attending but I was compelled to be present with Katherine.

 

Within moments, we made our way down the cleared path to the mausoleum doors and inside. The others that came waited, following the casket and priest inside after removing it from the hearse.

The pallbearers placed the casket on a bier that was in the center of the mausoleum. The final resting-places of past generations of the Sacks Family surrounded the outer walls in their crypts. The priest started his final prayer as the last people entered. Uncle Josh said a Kadish (Prayers for the dead) when the priest was finished.

When he finished the funeral director came to us, escorting us with tears in my eyes to the casket. As I touched it I had the feeling that Claudia was nearby and smiling upon us that seemed to console me. I said a little prayer and started for the door leaving the earthly remains of Claudia behind. There would always be a piece of Claudia in us forever. She would never be forgotten by any that knew her.

The Christmas Holidays had arrived this was a time for joy and not for mourning. That is the way Claudia would have wanted it Mother Terri said.

That Christmas Eve that is what all of us did. All the family and extended family gathered at our house. Gloria and John became engaged to be married with John getting on his knee in front of the entire family after the evening meal.

That wasn’t a surprise to the family one bit. We all knew this was coming soon, when we didn’t know. Now we knew.

As we sat and talked the doorbell rang. It was Michael with his Mother and Father. We all were enjoying each other’s company.

Katherine was fast asleep in my arms since she had her one meal of many throughout the day and night. Michael was sitting next to me when he suddenly stood going down to one knee in front of me saying, "Jamie, I know you want to wait as we both agreed. I wanted to do this in front of witnesses to ask you for your hand in marriage when we feel we are both ready. I would like you to be my wife and Katherine to be my daughter. Until then I ask that we pledge ourselves and our love to each other with this ring."

I was in complete shock! I sat there with my mouth open afraid to move. Gloria came over to me taking Katherine out of my arms. I put my hands to my face to hide my tears of joy.

I nodded my head to signify yes, with him taking my left hand placing the engagement ring on my ring finger. The kiss that followed was the most passionate we had ever shared as a couple. Now we were almost as one, just about married. The tears of happiness flowed from the eyes of all the females there. The men all congratulated us. Katherine slept through it all.

Our Mothers and Fathers all gave their consent and blessings for this union. I had that feeling again that Claudia was there giving us her blessing too. I felt at peace with the world and myself.

The past three years have not been entirely easy for us. Gloria and John were married, with them both still working at the hospital. Gloria just found out she was pregnant shortly after the announcement of their engagement. They were married that coming January. John and both dads were passing out cigars to everyone on the birth of her son. I was also reminded that I owe Gloria a favor to help with the baby. Gladly!

Mom still is at the hospital’s ER Department. Dad is still the Manager of plant. Both dads now have to take my moms golfing with them. The both complained at first, now they love having them.

I crammed a four-year nursing degree program into three years maintaining an average placing me into the top one percent of my graduating class. My Advisors all said it couldn’t be done. Ha! And I’m a single mother to boot!

Katherine is now three years old. She’s very active and very intelligent. She’s the love of all our lives. Mother Terri says Kathie is a hellion just as Claudia was at that age. The moms, grandmas and the dads, granddads just spoil her rotten. Now guess who her disciplinarian is? She doesn’t get away with anything when mom is around.

 

Michael and I will be getting married one week after my graduation. I love him and he does love me. Katherine has been calling him daddy since she could speak. Now he will be her Father and my husband. One further thing he doesn’t know is that I’m pregnant! If it is a girl, her name will be Claudia to fulfil a promise that was made. Oh yes, my mothers know! I didn’t even tell them. I swear they’re psychic! I guess it’s true Moms always know!

Uncle Josh sees us all the time. After all a godfather has responsibilities to his goddaughter. We finally met his wife at Katherine’s Christening. She too became a part of the extended family. Uncle Josh never had to sleep on the couch again after she met us.

Most of the lawsuits of our neighbors and myself are still pending although some have been settled out of court with very generous settlements. Katherine and our future children will never have to worry about money ever in their lifetimes.

Many politicians were never re elected back to their offices. This was due to the bad press coverage when they snubbed Claudia and me.

Do I still have nightmares of my rape and the mutilation of my body? The answer is yes. I had joined a therapy group that was founded by and for the survivors of rape at the hospital where I work. Because of this therapy group and the dedication of the counselors, I have decided to specialize in Psychiatric Nursing to further help rape victims and their families. I have Survived! I am a Survivor!

We all remember Claudia each day in our own ways. I miss her so very much but as I have said before she will always be with me through our daughter Katherine, and my thoughts. Her love will never be forgotten.

 

 

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© 2001 by Lorraine B. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.