I have the need to share the rest of the story with everyone. I broke it up into two sections because of a huge gap in time. This is meant as a way for me to stop being a slave to the past and to find some kind of healing. Please understand it for what it is and take from it all you can. Again if this is something similar or you feel the need to talk apart from using the message system on the site, feel free to email me at littlekatietg@hotmail.com

(Extreme situations, including child sexual abuse contained. Please be advised.)

  

Unforgotten Memories

by Little Katie

  

part 2

A true story or diatribe

  

For the next couple of months things were kept at the status quo. That is to say, unfortunately, that the abuse continued and had started happening with more frequency. As my mother became more pregnant, Ritchie was more active with me. I didn't like what he was doing, but I didn't think that I had much of a choice. The only good thing was that my mom pretty much stayed home and didn't often go out. That limited my step father's opportunities to have free reign over me for an extended period of time.

Every morning, before he would go to work, he would walk into my room. I didn't always wake up when he came into my room. In fact most of the time I would remain sleeping. I just remember those times when he did enter my room and I pretended to still be sleeping. He would come in and push the covers off of me and to the side. Following that he would push up the shirt I was wearing to bed, at that time I wore a shirt like a nighty every night. Soon after my underwear or pampers, whichever the case was would be, were pulled down to my ankle. I never watched what he was doing, but at this point in my life I knew enough to gather a guess. It would take him about two minutes from when he made me bare assed until I would feel the warm sticky liquid cover my lower cheeks. I remembered how long it took because one of my coping mechanisms were to count as he did what he was doing. Every time he came into my room I knew what was coming and as soon as my underwear was down I started to count, praying it would be over quickly and that I could return to sleep. He never did wash it off of me, he simply returned my clothes to there previous state. I knew that he did it every day he went to week because every morning there would be the tell tale signs in my under garments.

I remember thinking that as soon as the baby was born, I would stop being used in such a way because Ritchie would have access to my mother again and wouldn't need me. But on April 3^rd my sister was born. I stayed at my aunt's house for a few days while my mom was in the hospital. A day before my mom was due home, my step dad came and got me from there. He needed another day to prepare for the baby girl that was on the way home. So for that day I was in pampers and made to do a dozen things for him and his friend Bill. They made me perform oral sex on them as I wore a frilly pink dress that was kept at Bill's house. They called it my baby bottle. For a few hours I stayed that way, doing everything that I was told and expected to do, including using the pampers on three occasions.

I tried to tell people at school that I was being sexually abused, but was unsuccessful. I didn't know how to put what was happening into words and was so embarrassed that it was going on. I also feared that they would say I was lying or them blaming the whole situation on me. I told them something was happening and that I didn't feel comfortable being around my stepfather. I remember the teacher, Mrs. McClain, telling me that a lot of children find it difficult getting use to new parents and that I should just give it some time. I didn't go into further details about what was happening because I didn't know how and she seemed to be taking his side on the matter. I figured I was the only one that this sort of thing was happening to or that if the kids in class found out I would get made fun of. It was also at that time that I started soiling myself often, even at school. I think it was partly because of the way Ritchie was making me use pampers at home on occasion and also it was my way of signaling that something was definitely wrong. I told the teacher and the nurse that I couldn't feel when I needed to go to the bathroom. They made my mom take me to the doctor.

The first time I was at the doctor, I was looked at but already had an accident on the way there. I remember him asking me particular questions like if I was touching there or was being touched there. My mom was in the room with me and kept giving me a look and somehow I knew to lie. The doctor wanted to do some kind of exploratory examination and my mom said she would have to discuss it with my step dad because of the costs involved. On the way home my mom told me how terrible it would be if this examination happened to me and how much it would hurt. She told me how disappointed everyone would be if I had to be looked at in such a way. How they would lay me on a table and shove a large metal rod into my butt and stick things in me and look around. I, being nine at the time, was picturing something more closer to a torture device then to anything medical. A few day later I told her that I was fine and could feel things fine.

A few months later, the school notified my mother that they wanted her to pick me up because I had yet again had another accident. They wanted for me to seek some kind of counseling. They thought that the addition of the new baby was affecting my behavior and on two earlier occasions my mom had to pick me up because I soiled my pants at school and it was becoming a "real problem". They were also worried because I had mentioned problems with my step father repeatedly.

I remember being dragged home by my mother. She was completely ticked that I was "trying to ruin her marriage." She turned the heat up on the stove and was pulling my hand towards the flame. She stopped barely before I got burned from the fire. She kept telling me that things that happened in the family was to stay within the home. That night my step father came home and gave me the beating of my life.

He walked into my room, that night. My mom went out as soon as he came home and took the baby to the bar. She needed to "get away from him," meaning me, and told my step father "to handle it." My step father stripped me completely naked and for a while had me stand in the corner facing him.

"I'm so ashamed of you. I give you everything you want and love you and this is how you repay me."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I pleaded. "I didn't say anything I swear."

"Then why are they having us send you for counseling, why is this teacher all in our business?"

"I don't know, I didn't say anything."

Ritchie sat on the bed and removed his belt. He didn't stop there, he dropped his pants and underwear too. I thought I knew what was coming and that he was going to make me pleasure him. But, he had another agenda first. He pulled me by the hair and laid me over his lap. He whacked me with the belt a few times while holding me with his free hand. I remember that he was fondling me as he beat me with the belt. I couldn't help it, but I got excited as I was wailing in pain. He also got excited, I could feel him poking me in the stomach. With each slap of the belt, I begged him to stop. He continued though, getting more excited with every rake across my buttocks. Finally he stopped as I was near exhaustion from screaming.

"Now if you don't do what I say I will start up again," he said. "Do you understand?"

I couldn't talk so I just nodded my head yes.

"Lay on the bed and put your legs up."

I did what he said and lifted my legs into the air. He pushed them back so that my feet were above my head. He then took his finger and rammed it into my anus.

I shouted in pain.

"It's about time you get ready for this," he said as he moved his finger around inside me. I started to cry, not like before in pain. It did hurt, but it also hurt in a different way also.

"Don't worry all girls cry their first time." He kept pushing his finger deeper in me, his finger nail was scratching me on the inside. Even though it was hurting, I got excited. He smiled when he saw me that way. "I knew you would like it," he wiggled his finger as far as he could make it go inside of me

I stayed there in that position, I remember the feeling of relief I felt when he removed his finger. In some way it was even pleasurable. He got over me and placed the head of his penis at my opening. "Now you will be like a real girl" he said as he kept fondling my penis. He put the head of his penis into me slowly. I squirmed as I felt my butt feel like it was on fire and knew I would burst open if he went any further.

"You're still to small for this," he said sounding very disappointed.

I stared at him, relieved that he wasn't going to go through with what he had started. I did not know what to say and started feeling betrayed by my body. Though I hated what was being done, my body responded with excitement. I remember seeing my penis and wondering why it was so large when I was scared as hell and hurting in many ways.

"But we will work on that, right?"

I nodded yes.

"You really want to be a little girl don't you?"

I did, and he knew it. I did for many reasons. I grew up feeling that I was suppose to be one and he seemed to read my mind on that. I also wanted to be one because I figured that if I was he wouldn't have to do all this stuff to me because I would be what he wanted to make me. I slowly nodded yes.

"We'll get you there soon enough, now be a good girl."

He made me get on my knees and had me pleasure him orally. I remember that I choked when he shot his load, it was more then I had ever seen him let loose at one time. I remember that I had trouble catching my breath as I spit it up. The front of my chest had a lot of goo on it from when I couldn't hold it in my mouth. My step father watched me as I licked it up with my fingers, like a "good little girl." He didn't tell me too, but that had gotten to be a part of the routine.

He made me stand in the corner again and fondled me roughly.

"You want this to go away don't you," he said as he grabbed my testicles so hard that I crumbled in pain.

I nodded yes and he let go. I was no longer excited and was on my knees on the floor.

"Good, now go clean up."

I went into the bathroom, the first thing I did was rinse my mouth out with Scope. I must of used half the bottle. I then took a cool shower, because the warm water made my butt sting.

When I got out I walked back to my room. My step father threw me on the bed. I howled in pain. I remember him smiling and telling me that I would need to be in pampers until I could sit again. He was to put me in the pampers once again. I remember him fondling me as he slid the pamper underneath me and he told me that if I was good maybe he could make me a girl soon. He again grabbed my testicles and yanked on them. "If you didn't have them they wouldn't hurt." I remember wishing he would rip them right off and end my agony, instead he just pinched my one large testicle so hard that they felt like they would turn into powder. So people know, I have one underdeveloped testicle that is there but often 'hides'.

At that time my mother came home and whatever Ritchie had in mind he quit. He closed the pamper and told me to sit on the couch.

"He'll stay like that until he learns not to make in his pants at school," he told my mind.

"That's fine with me," she told him. She walked in front of me, "and you. I can't even stand to look at you, you are to stay in your room."

I went to my room and fell asleep without having any dinner. Midway through the night my mom woke me up.

"You need to be changed," she said as she removed the pamper. She looked almost mortified by seeing my backside.

"If you would just learn to behave then your father wouldn't have to do this sort of thing." My mom rubbed cool gel onto my wounds and I remembered being happy that it was her and not him. She put me in a new pamper, because that was to be my punishment for a week.

For the next five days I stayed home, I didn't even go to school. With the pampers I couldn't wear any of my jeans, so I wore a long shirt to serve as a dress. As soon as I returned to school, I never said another word.

I had another accident the Friday I returned to school and the school sent me home at my mother's request. That night I ran away from home. I walked around the streets of Queens and Brooklyn until the late hours of night, but I eventually made it back home. Cops were waiting in the house, my mom whispered to me and told me what to say. I told the cops I was upset because I was punished and knew not to tell them of the abuse. I should of but I was scared and my mom was listening to every word I was saying. My mom told me that I was lucky they didn't arrest me for running away and that if I didn't come home on my own they would have.

I was sent to bed as soon as the cops left. My step father threw my Coleco into the trash and punished me for a month. I remember later that night my step father came into the bedroom with me. I thought that I was going to get yet another beating.

"You know," Ritchie said as he sat on the bed, "you really had us scared. Running away like that, I didn't think I would see you again."

"I was just mad and stuff," I tried to explain myself.

"You know I love you very much. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I hit you, but it's so you will learn and grow up right."

"I know. I love you too. I'm real sorry I ran away and got you scared."

"I know," my step father said as he moved his hands under my shirt and started to fondle me.

"Where's mom," I asked as I parted my legs so he could do what he wanted.

"She went to the bar for a little while, she needs a break for a few hours."

"Oh okay," I said and moaned softly like girls were suppose to. For some reason I wanted to make him happy and I knew that was something that made him happiest.

He leaned over and kissed me on the lips as his hands moved to my buttocks. "You can be so good sometimes. If you could just remember to stay this way we will both be very happy."

I smiled at him and he kissed down my chest and pushed his hand on my thighs. Immediately I spread my legs and let his finger probe me. He crawled further down my body and started licking under my testicles where my cunny was suppose to be. I moaned even more like a girl and he smiled at me before he started licking even harder. He then started to softly nibble on my penis.

"I love it when you're my little girl," he said.

"I love it too, it's the best thing in the universe."

"What's my little girl want to do," he said as he laid on the bed.

I crawled on top of him and as he penetrated my butt with his finger I jerked him off. I was happy to do it at the time. I don't know if I was happy because of the closeness or because I wouldn't have to choke on it. After five minutes he came and it filled in my cupped hand.

He turned my around so he could watch what I was doing. I knew what he wanted and I even smiled as I licked his goo off of my hands. I wasn't happy with what I was doing, but I knew it made him happy and I thought that made it okay. I wanted to make him happy, he was the only father I had ever known and this was my only shot at keeping him.

Two weeks later I was at a counselors office at Catholic Charities. My mom was in the room with me the whole time. I remember the week and a half before, when I knew I was going somewhere, I practiced telling them how my father touched me and how much it bothered me. I decided that no matter how much my body liked the things that were happening to it, afterwards it always made me feel dirty and worthless. But, with my mother in the room, there was no way I was going to talk myself into another beating. They scheduled another appointment, but my mom told them I was going to Florida for vacation and that we would pick it up when school resumed.

I was punished for a month for running away. Everyone at school knew what happened and that made the experience even worst. On top of that I was placed in special education for being dyslexic and having emotional problems. It was only to be for a few weeks but all I wanted was for school to be over with as soon as possible.

The day before my flight to Florida I was allowed to go out. It was my only day out since I ran away. I remember going out and walking up the block.

"Hey Keith," A voice called from above.

I looked up and saw Bill hanging out the window.

"Come on up, I have a surprise for you." Bill said.

I went into the house and got buzzed in. I walked to his apartment and he quickly lifted me up and gave me an adult kiss.

I smiled, because that was what I was expected to do as he carried me to the living room. The only thing in the living room were two sheets, one tan and one blue. The two children sat in the midst of them, naked as they usually were.

"We are having a beach day today and I know how much you like playing with them."

"Cool," I said as Bill undressed me.

I crawled onto the sheets and sat down next to the girl as Bill watched on.

"Lay down and get a tan," Bill said as he turned the light so it shined on me.

I laid on my back and the girl followed my action. Bill and his son started to rub our bellies. Soon Bill made his move and started to fondle me with one hand and placed my free hand on the boys privates. I started to moan like I did for my dad, they got a kick out of it. I know they were touching the girl too, she was making the same sounds.

"Show me how good of a girl you are?" Bill said and made his son lay down.

I got over him and did what I was expected to while staying on all fours. I hated myself for doing something with such a young boy, I still do. Bill got behind me and started licking my butt and the area under my testicles that drove me wild. The girl was sitting on my back for some reason, I was happy that she was there and no longer involved. I had done stuff with her in the past when told to, I regret that also.

Bill then turned me over and humped me like he did the first time. Not putting anything in me but going in between our two bodies. I remember moaning and sighing as he did that and the two kids sat by watching what was going on. Bill came and made me suck his cum from his fingers.

"Your getting real good at this girl stuff Keith, now for your going away present."

I was hoping it was going to be a game or perhaps a baseball glove. Instead it was a dress, a denim dress with lots of flowers on it. It looked like it was meant for a little kid, and I am almost sure the girl had one just like it. I was instructed to immediately put it on, which I did. When my step dad got off of work he came and saw me as I sat in the dress on Bill's lap. I remember Bill parting my legs so my step father could see I was naked underneath. I could even feel Bill poking me in the butt since he was excited. I pleasured them both, this time remaining in the dress. I remember that as I did both kids fondled my bottom, there hands touched my penis and they put their fingers inside of me. Both of the adults came into my mouth and I remember being told not to get the dress dirty.

I was allowed to get changed an hour later and was allowed to go home. When I finally got to Florida I felt I would be safe. My family that I was living with came down a month later, that was when Ritchie made his fatal mistake.

We had gone to Disney world and on the way back home we were talking. Ritchie told me I was going to get it good when I got home for not behaving. I knew what he was talking about, my mom knew what he was talking about, but my cousin Michael didn't have a clue and thought he was referring to me getting hit. One day my cousin saw me in the tub and saw the bruising on my ass. He didn't know where they came from and when he asked I told him it was from playing football in the street. Finally he asked if Ritchie hit me. I told him that he did, without going into the other areas.

That led to a huge breakdown in everything. The rest of the visit was spent with a lot of yelling around me. A lot of yelling about me, but little talking to me. My step father decided to leave early and we hopped the next flight to New York that we could. That night the police came to remove me from the house. After all my aunt did have legal custody of me so it really wasn't a problem. That night I went back to living with my aunt. Though I hated the things that my step father did to me, the one thing that remained was that I liked the idea about being a girl. Since I was no longer around my step father, I quit doing all the girl things that I liked to do. It was the one thing I missed, because I really wanted to be a girl. I kept it to myself though, not wanting to cause any more problems. I didn't tell anyone this and kept it my little secret until very recently. A lot of other things happened after that night, but this is not the place nor time.

The End

 

This has probably been the crudest story that I have written and it more then likely lacks a certain quality that I put into my work. Please understand that I can't go into every detail that happened because a lot of it remains hidden within me. I write what I remembered to the best of my ability. Also to note, at no point did I use any of the children's names that I mentioned in the story and that is by design. So if some of the wording seems weird because I refer to them as the little boy or the little girl, it is because I want to protect their innocence. If they remember my participation in their life, to them I say I am truly very sorry and ask for forgiveness. Thank you, please comment.

  

  

  

*********************************************
© 2003 by Little Katie. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, and compilation design) may be printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without the express written consent of StorySite and the copyright holder.