Trick or Treat?

by Enigma

Part 4

 

Friday, October 2

The week passed with Amy working, me walking in the mornings and puttering the rest of the day, still practicing my woman lessons. Then most evenings were reserved for loving. However, Friday, we noticed a difference. While we both were willing partners, our usual moves, while feeling great, failed to bring me to erection. We tried different things, but ended up settling for bringing each other off with our mouths. Amy noted the fluid I issued was greatly reduced from my pre-hormone days as well.

This did rouse my worry, and when we were snuggling after, I asked Amy about it. I could tell she was worried about it too, but tried to reassure me that this was normal for estrogen hormone therapy. She was a little concerned, as this was probably 3 or 4 weeks ahead of what you would normally expect, but there should no reason for concern. She did make a mental note to talk to Sandy about it, though.

Saturday, October 3

The weekend was quite calm, with trips to the grocery store, a home improvement store, a quiet dinner out, and a movie. We had fun necking and petting in the last row of the theater until we noticed several people glancing at us, and decided two women making out was a little too much. Amy continued to tweak my impersonation, but it was becoming much less often she could correct something. Most of the flaws cropped up when we put ourselves into new and different situations.

Amy found a notice for a women's club sponsored speaker scheduled for Saturday afternoon. She decided it would be good for me to try something different. I was OK with it, but afterward regretted that the topic had been essentially how to keep your man by being a tigress in bed. Of course it was couched in infinitely more polite terms than that, but all the same!

Sunday, October 4

That weekend was the boat show down at the civic center, and Amy thought that since I had spent the time in a gathering of women, the male-dominated trade show would provide a nice balance for me. We cruised the displays, and I was thoroughly disgusted at being treated as completely unknowledgeable by the company reps. I guess the stereotypical treatment of women really does happen. Except for that, most of the men were nice. In the press of bodies, a few extra hands found my tush, but nothing too untoward. I was constantly aware of the many eyes that followed our every move. A couple of times, men tried to pick us up, but for the most part they were easy to outmaneuver.

Monday, October 5

The week ran much as the last. I walked every morning, several times with Paul. He seemed to be making more of an effort to be there when I passed. There were miscellaneous odd jobs around the house, and various tasks in my office trying to be prepared for the next phase of my contract. Cozy dinners with Amy, and affection in bed at night. My erections were still MIA, so the character of our trysts had changed to cuddles, and virtually no sex.

Amy had tried to contact Sandy, but she was out of town the first part of the week.

Wednesday, October 7

While dressing after my walk, I noticed that I seemed to be spilling over the tops of my bra cups. Strange, when did that happen? With nothing specific on the agenda, I decided I would do something about it. After the trip cross town to "my" mall, I found myself once again in Victoria's Secret. The salesgirl approached, and I blushed as I told her I seemed to have had a growth spurt up top, and could she measure my bra size. She led me to a changing room and asked me to remove my top and bra. With deft movements, she took the necessary measurements, then left for a moment to fetch a few bras for me to try. As I tried each one, she carefully adjusted the straps for the best fit, then asked how it felt.

When we finished, I was shocked to find that I was slightly too large for a "D" cup in most brands, though a few fit fairly well. She had tried a couple double-D bras, and they were a little bit too large. I ended up buying a few very pretty bras in each D and DD, concerned that I might soon outgrow the D. On the girls urging, I also bought matching panties, and even a few other things, including a near scandalous baby doll/thong panty set. I was again amazed, and not a little concerned with how much I was getting into this girl thing.

Thursday, October 8

Sandy and Amy met up for lunch as usual on Thursday. Amy was a little strained while discussing Jamie's progress. Especially about the erectile dysfunction. Sandy repeated Amy's argument that ED is normal in hormone therapy, and shouldn't be an issue after the hormones stop. Amy moaned that she missed the physical closeness that accompanied penetration. Sandy talked clinically about her observations Monday of the prior week, and that all seemed in order.

Amy observed "Jamie's breasts seemed to have filled out a little, so they're an even more natural rounded shape. And their sensitivity is up as well."

Sandy joked "Well think how nice that will be after, when she has her erections back. You can have the best of both worlds!"

Amy looked sad. "Will I ever get James back, Sandy? Or have I felt him inside me for the last time, and didn't even know it?"

That pulled Sandy up abruptly. "I don't know. This is just so… so… I don't know. When we talked two weeks ago about this, I was assuming you would have full use of that member past the time she made a decision to continue. This must be so hard for you! Have you got any better feel for how she might go?"

"Why do you keep referring the James as her and she!" Amy growled. "She's a man, and she's my husband, darn it!".

Sigh. "I know Amy, it's just that she's a she right now, and besides, you know how I am about men. I want to keep my thoughts about her positive, and that is so much easier if I refer to her as female. I'm sorry. I know this is awfully hard on you. Things will work out, you'll see."

"I can't tell which way he might jump," Amy said. "He seems to be fitting into the role more and more every day. His behavior is impeccable, and he seems so comfortable. But besides the obvious conclusion that he is transsexual, there is the chance, and a pretty good one, that he is just throwing himself into this role precisely because the outcome is so important to me!"

"I hope that is what it is, for your sake. So, tell me, what have you been doing to let him gain the full feminine experience?"

Amy went through the dinners, movies, shopping in various types of stores, dancing at the club, the museum, women's club and boat show. Sandy thought that sounded pretty good, but there was something still missing.

"What? Amy asked.

"Well, I am hesitant to voice it. But if Jamie does survive, then she will have to make a decision about her sexuality. You know that many, if not most hetero transsexuals will be heterosexual after the change, becoming interested in men, don't you?"

The horror had been growing on Amy's face as Sandy talked. She whispered "Oh, my god!"

Sandy looked on in sympathy, but let Amy have time to think it through. "But what am I supposed to do about that? Get Jamie laid? Oh, Sandy, I can't push him toward a man! That might push him either away from me if he goes back to James, or over the edge to Jamie even if he was not headed there!"

"Well, I didn't say laid! I just think she needs a little one-on-one time with a man. Maybe a nice date in a controlled environment so there would be no sexual pressure on her."

"This is so hard to know what to do. I just don't know if I should do something like that, and I wouldn't know how to set up something safe anyway."

Sandy paused. "Well, you remember Jerry at work?" Amy nodded and Sandy continued, "Didn't you say he hits on you every once in a while? And you know from working with him that he is pretty nice, and not too pushy. Since you and Jamie are now twins, if you acceded to his request, on the basis of strictly a non-sexual situation, then talked Jamie into going in your place, that could work out." Amy was slowly nodding her head.

"But how do I do that with Jerry when I have used my faithfulness to my husband as the prime reason for refusing?"

"Well, make it clear that you absolutely will not be unfaithful sexually, but that James has been absent this last month, and you could use a little non-threatening male companionship for an evening. After all, its not a lie, Jamie has been here over a month, so James has been away the same time."

"It just about breaks my heart to even think about it, but Jamie has to find her own way to either a new life, or back to James. I'll think about it, but no promises."

"That's good. Just be careful that you make your decisions for Jamie's sake, not what will give you less pain in the short term."

*****

I was unaware of this conversation, but I was well aware of Amy's extra attempts to arouse me for intercourse that night. It was unsuccessful. I awoke later to find Amy crying softly into her pillow, and nothing I said or did could convince her to talk to me, or ease her obvious pain.

Friday, October 9

Amy had still not reached a decision by Friday, but just in case, started carefully cultivating Jerry's attention, so she would have that option.

I walked again, and ran into Paul, as was becoming more the rule than the exception. In the course of the conversation, I mentioned I had to visit a computer store downtown. He said that was right by where he worked, and asked if I would have coffee with him at a little shop by his building. We had been becoming friends, so I saw no harm in that.

After the walk, I was still trapped in the corset, so I sponged as best I could. The new corsets were tight enough that I was unable to get the laces loose. I donned one of my new lacey bra and panties set, one of the D size that was just tight enough to give an extra emphasis to my endowments. I then added nude pantyhose. I wore a gauzy sun dress in swirled patterns of pale yellows and greens. It would have been totally inappropriate most other places in the country this time of year, but was perfect for here. Beige 4" strappy sandals finished the outfit. I took a little more time with my hair and makeup, doing a more elaborate job with foundation and eye shadow in addition to my more normal mascara, eye liner and blush. I carefully outlined my lips with the lip liner, and filled in with a frosty pink lipstick, glossed for that wet look. I took the time to remove my nail polish and replace it on toes and fingers with polish to match my lips. I couldn't figure out why I was taking such care when I was only visiting a computer store, and would incidentally see my walking buddy.

I had a salad in a Sweet Tomatoes on the way down, did my thing at the computer store, then searched out the coffee shop, arriving right on time at 2:00. Paul walked in a minute later, dressed in sharp slacks, and a nice shirt with collar open, no tie and no jacket, respecting the local climate. He smiled when he saw me, and joined me at the table. I ordered a non-fat latte, and he had cappuccino. We talked and enjoyed the coffee.

When we finished, he invited me in to see his office. I glanced at my watch, looking for a reason to leave, but it was early yet, so I shyly agreed. He ushered me into his building, then up to the fifth floor, where his office was. He showed me around, and introduced me to some of his co-workers. About the time I was ready to leave, two men walked up.

One said "So this is the consultant you have been telling us about, Paul?"

And I realized I had been set up. I looked at Paul. He looked abashed, but said "Yes, this is she. Jamie, may I present Mr. Johnson, my boss, and also Steve, from IT."

Even if I don't look like myself, I have a definite work ethic with customers and potential customers. I squared my shoulders, reached my hand out for a feminine handshake, and said "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Johnson." Turning to another handshake, "And you also Steve. Paul asked me for a resume, but I don't have one with me. And as I told Paul, I have about all the business I can handle right now."

Mr. Johnson took charge, "Don't be so quick to turn us down. Come on into a conference room for a minute, and let's exchange a little information."

For the next half hour, they told me their needs in general terms, and I told them the type of work I did, and some vague details about some of my past projects. Things went really well, I was a good match for what they needed, and they were impressed with me. I just didn't want to take on work as Jamie.

Mr. Johnson asked if I could tell him the names of some of the companies I had worked for. Reluctantly I mentioned a few of the more obscure ones.

Mr. Johnson perked up and said "Oh, you worked for Scanlon Industrial? Was it for Bob Jamison, by any chance?"

I was so surprised, that I squeaked yes before I could backpedal.

He said "I know Bob. We play golf together. He told me about this fantastic consultant that solved that problem they were having a couple years ago. That must be you. I must say, I am impressed. And Bob has a very high opinion of you. Tell me, is there anything I can do to entice you to take on our project?"

"I'm sorry, but I have more work than I can handle right at the moment."

Too bad I couldn't pursue it. I would be back to James before this could go anywhere, but I couldn't tell them that.

Then inspiration struck. "How about if I have my partner get back with you in say 3 weeks? He normally handles the business aspects of the work, and we cooperate on the development. He has worked on all those projects I spoke of right along with me. Would that work OK?"

Mr. Johnson smiled, and Paul absolutely beamed. "That would be great. Three weeks is stretching it a little, but could still meet our timeframe. Especially since we have no viable options."

So we exchanged contact information, but I cautioned them not to contact James until next month at the earliest. There is just no way I could talk in James' voice right now.

As Paul walked me out, I sadly wondered what it might be like working with Paul as James, and not letting slip that I know him a lot better than James should!

I rushed to get home to start dinner, but arrived just after Amy. I apologized, but she said that was OK, we weren't eating in tonight, then shooed me into our room to get gussied up for a night on the town.

Amy suddenly realized how I was dressed, and commented on how nice I looked. She asked why. I blushed and told her about meeting Paul walking, and then talking to his boss today about doing consulting work for their company. She was surprised that I would do that dressed as Jamie, so I told her of my strategy of deferring any more contact till my "partner" James could handle the business negotiations. That got a grin out of her.

We got dolled up in some of Amy's nicest (and sexiest) outfits, and headed off to dinner. Afterward, we found a different dance club, for which I was thankful, as it reduced the chances of running into Jack and Kevin again.

The evening was pleasant. We did not hook up with anyone in particular, as we had on the last two occasions, rather sitting at a table together, talking and sipping drinks. We were asked frequently to dance, and accepted most of the offers. I was now strangely comfortable with that situation, but even more so since none of my partners got the chance to be as possessive as Kevin had been. It was late when we returned home, and we quickly cleaned up and went to bed, falling asleep almost the moment our heads touched the pillows.

Saturday, October 10

The weekend was open, so I talked Amy into visiting a local health club. I was feeling so good from the walking, that I decided it would be good to do a more complete exercise program. I also wanted to entice Amy into doing the same. Not that she was fat, by any means, but I was so pleased at how my copy of her figure had improved over the past couple weeks, I was eager to see the same enhancements in her.

She was not convinced, so we did not join outright. Sensing one easy customer and another teetering on the fence, they offered us a trial one week membership, which I quickly accepted before Amy could turn it down. A dragged her off to a sporting goods store, and we bought a couple leotards in bright colors, some shorts, leggings, and cross trainers. We then stopped by home and picked up the same bikinis we had used at the waterpark. I realized I would get a chance to wear my new coordinated earrings with my patriotic suit after all.

Despite Amy's reluctance, we stopped for a light lunch, then returned to the fitness center. As part of the enticement, our trial membership included some consultation with a personal trainer. We were in luck, one was available. This was great, since neither Amy nor I knew where to begin. We dressed in the dressing room, and I was amused that it seemed I was more comfortable in our skimpy exercise clothes than Amy.

The trainer was a hunk! His name was Julian, and he is just the kind of guy many women go goo-goo-eyed over. Fortunately Amy had a loving hubby, and was more level-headed than that. And me? Well, I'm not really a woman, now am I? Not that all those rippling muscles didn't do something to me. I'm just not sure what.

He described the goals and methods of safe, healthy training, and then walked us through a cycle on the impressive array of fitness machines. Well, I thought I had gotten into better shape with my walking. I soon learned otherwise. Amy fared no better. After Julian finally let us go, we went back to the locker room and changed into the bikinis, then made use of the Olympic sized pool. Amy noticed the new red, white, and blue earrings right off, and commented on how they were adorable with the almost not there bikini of the same colors.

She gazed at me appraisingly, then commented on how healthy and attractive I was looking. I think maybe she was getting into the idea that since my copy of her body could look so great, maybe it was worth her while to do the same for her original. Between the pool, the spa, and the sauna, we didn't get out of the club until dinner time. We made our way home and threw together a light supper, then collapsed on the couch, both of us deliciously exhausted. Some time later, Amy shook me awake and told me it was time for bed.

We cleaned up and got ready for bed. Since our lovemaking had taken a sabbatical, I had taken to wearing the vagina/gaff nearly full time. There was very little reason to take it off, as I was able to pee while wearing it, albeit sitting down. It was so much easier to have a genuine feminine shape down there, like in the leotard and the bikini. We cuddled for a few minutes in bed, but were so tired we dropped off quickly.

Sunday, October 11

We both woke a little stiff and sore, but as soon as we got moving, we were fine. I cajoled Amy into returning to the fitness club again. After all, we only had a week to try it out, and most of that week she would be working full time.

This time, the free trainer assigned to us was Eduardo. He had the sleek, well muscled body of a swimmer. He did not have the bulk of Julian, but he was impressive, none the less. The circuit went about the same as the day before, maybe a bit harder with our tired muscles. Darn, I was hoping for some really impressive results really quick. Oh well, a girl can dream, can't she?

Today we brought one piece suits. Amy had two identical suits from her days on the swim team in college. They both had really high cut leg openings, and low cut backs. They were made of a sleek, shiny, royal blue material that clings like a second skin. We stood side by side in front of the mirror. Amy studied our reflections, and I think decided her body came off second best. She did comment on my larger boobs, and I said that yeah, I had been noticing them. She seemed a little worried about it.

Monday, October 12

I went out for my walk, and was not at all surprised to see Paul waiting for me. We walked in silence for a while.

"Look, Jamie, I am sorry about setting you up last week. It's just that I like you. A lot. And I wanted to see more of you. So I thought I could kill two birds with one stone – get you some more consulting work, and give me a chance to be around you."

My cheeks were flame colored by the time he finished. I couldn't look him in the eye. "Paul, please don't. I am in a permanent relationship with someone who means the world to me. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am off the market, so to speak."

"Oh. Um. Err. Gee, Jamie. I'm sorry. You never mentioned anything. I apologize if I overstepped the bounds."

I grabbed his arm to pull him to a stop and swing him around to face me. I took both his hands and looked him in the eye. "No, Paul. Don't apologize. It's not your fault, it's mine. I guess I am so secure in my relationship that I don't think about what I project to others. You are a very attractive man, Paul, both your body and your personality. I am flattered that you have an interest in me, but I just can't."

He looked a little sad. "Is it James, your partner?"

"No Paul, not James. Please, I would rather not talk about it right now. Let's just finish the walk." Which is what we did, in silence. I had really put a damper on what I thought was a budding friendship. Before I split off to head home, I said "I'm sorry, Paul. If this changes things, and you are no longer interested in my consulting services, I understand. Good bye."

"Wait Jamie. No, this will not affect that! We will talk again, I promise."

Tuesday, October 13

Tuesday I did not see Paul while walking, and felt a bit sad. Was there something more there that I didn't want to examine too closely?

Back at home and cleaned up, I realized how short I was on clean clothes, so I started the wash. By the time Amy came home, I had it about half done. A lot had built up recently!

Wednesday, October 14

I had the laundry finally finished by the time Amy came home, with hers stacked neatly on the bed so she could put it away as she wanted it. Shortly after she had gone to the bedroom to don casual clothes for the evening, she called me into our room.

"What's this?" She asked, holding up one of the new DD bras I had bought.

"Oops, guess I got that in the wrong stack, sorry." And took it to put away with my things.

"Why are you wearing a double D bra these days?" she asked, gazing intently at my chest. "I had noticed you seemed a bit bigger, but I had no idea!"

"Well yeah, I've noticed me changing for the last several weeks, and your bras just don't fit right anymore. So I bought some that fit, and the girl said I was a generous D, not quite a DD. I figured if I was changing that fast, I would probably need the DD before the party."

Amy grinned. "They do look pretty good on me. Now I see why you dreamed about me being bustier." Then her look turned serious. "But you shouldn't be having this rapid a response to the hormones. I think we need to do something about this. For now, I am taking you off the pills immediately. I am meeting Sandy for lunch tomorrow, why don't you join us. Sandy hasn't seen much of you recently." She told me what time and where.

She continued, "I made an appointment at 'our' salon for after work tomorrow. It's time for me to do my change for the party. Why don't you meet me over there about 7:30 and a couple of fun-loving, carefree blondes (that's us) will grab a late dinner together!"

"Huh? Oh yeah, it had slipped my mind that you were going dumb blonde too. Must be getting pretty close to the party already. I'm looking forward to having this over!"

"Hey, watch it with the dumb blonde thing, OK? I'll leave that to you, and I'll be the smart blonde." she joked.

Thrusday, October 15

Traffic made me a few minutes late arriving for lunch, and Sandy and Amy were deep in discussion as I approached. Neither saw me until I pulled out my chair to sit down. They stopped talking, I could tell it had been about me, and greeted me warmly. Sandy asked me to stand again and twirl for her. She scanned my body critically, then motioned for me to sit.

She turned to Amy. "I see what you mean. She has really developed a rack! Funny how it sneaks up on you when you see it every day. It's been a while for me, and it really jumped out at me."

Amy smirked, "Yes, but I look pretty good that way, don't I? Lots of tits and ass!" Which made me turn crimson.

Sandy started in thoughtfully "I'm glad you think so, because we have a little problem. When I see you two together, the size difference is so obvious, no one will ever think she is you at the party."

Amy responded "So? What are you driving at?"

"Well, the plan has always been to remove Jamie's implants after the party. If I removed them now, she wouldn't be exactly flat chested, but she would just as obviously be not you. Also, the removal procedure, while not major surgery, would leave Jamie bruised and sore through the party. Kind of a problem with your costumes. Alternatively, I could replace the current implants with smaller ones, then remove those afterward, but not only is the pain and bruising issue even worse than simple removal, that would be a lot of trauma to Jamie's chest over a very short period. I wouldn't recommend it unless Jamie wanted to stay this way for another 6 months or so."

I piped in here "What!" but they both ignored my outburst.

Amy calmly said "So, I take it you have an alternative?"

Sandy hesitated, then quietly said "Yeah."

Amy persisted, "From your behavior, I am not going to like this, right?"

Sandy looked up. "Well, maybe, but then again maybe not. You just said how great your body looked on Jamie with the current 'improvements'. How would you like to try those improvements on for a few weeks?" Sandy was grinning crookedly.

"What, you mean me get implants! I just don't know, Sandy."

"Same deal. I got you into this, so no charge, and if you want them out later, no charge for that either."

"What about my bruising and tenderness?" Amy asked. "Won't that interfere with the party?"

"Nope, remember Jamie healed easily within two weeks, and it would be even easier for you, as it would be a very small implant."

I stuck in my two cents worth, "I think you ought to do it. Give you just a tiny taste of what you have put me through. Besides," I smirked, hefting a boob in each hand, "these ought to look really nice on you."

That got a laugh out of both of them, and after a moment I joined in.

"OK. OK. You win, I can't fight you both! So how do we work this, I can't take time off work like Jamie has been able to, lucky broad!"

Sandy went into planning mode. "Ok, can you get off just a bit early tomorrow?"

Amy's response was that she usually tried not to schedule late appointments on Friday, so she could be away by 3:00. The plan was for her to pop directly over to Sandy's office, and the new improved version would be out by 5:00. I would give her a ride home, even though that was probably not necessary.

Sandy turned serious again. "Jamie, we were talking just before you came. The amount of physical change you have shown, possibly emotional change as well, is not usual for this early in estrogen therapy. I want you to come back to the office with me so I can take some more blood samples. We need to see what's what."

After lunch, Amy headed back to her office, and I accompanied Sandy to hers. She drew the samples, and said she would have results by the time Amy came in the next day.

I was at loose ends for the afternoon. I didn't feel like sitting at home, so I wandered downtown looking for something interesting. When I realized I had wandered to the area of Paul's office, I pulled his card out of my purse and called him on the cell phone, and offered to buy him a cup of coffee. I was afraid he would refuse after our last meeting, but he agreed, and I met him the same time, the same shop as before.

I was a little uncomfortable at first, not knowing where we stood with each other, but it wasn't long before Paul put me at ease, and our conversation started to flow as smoothly as before. I was strangely relieved, and not a little curious about why it mattered so much to me.

After we said goodbye, I wandered over to 'Jamies Mall' and window shopped. Well, I must admit, I bought a few things, including some really sexy super sized bras for Jamie, for after tomorrow. Finally it was time, and I wandered to the beauty salon. I waited a few minutes, then saw Amy stand out of one of the chairs, and stare in amazement in the mirror. I slipped up behind her, and gasped. Staring back at us from the mirror were the sexiest blonde twins I had seen in a long time. Of course, it was plainly evident that the boob fairy had been a bit more generous with one than the other. But other than that, anyone would have been hard pressed to tell the difference. She spun around to me and engulfed me in her arms, giggling excitedly.

"Well, what you think, sis?" she said. "Lookin pretty hot, don't you think?"

All I could do is shake my head and agree, "Pretty hot."

We had an enjoyable light dinner at a quiet little restaurant tucked into a corner of the mall. It seems like I am getting that a lot recently, a 'light dinner'. But I must admit, it was doing great things for Amy's body that I am wearing. Not bad on Amy's own body, either. She had dropped a few pounds in some places that gave even more emphasis to her fantastic curves since we started being more careful about food. I still thought I needed to get her started exercising on a regular basis, though.

At one point during the meal, she teared up, and paused a moment. "Jamie, I have done something we need to talk about when we get home. In fact, two somethings." But she wasn't ready to talk, and after a feeble try to get her to, I decided I had to wait for home.

At home, Amy suggested it was time for bed, even though it was still early. I figured she was going to feel better telling me in the dark, while we cuddled.

In an attempt to cheer her up, I pulled out the baby doll set I had bought a while back. The one too revealing for a whore to wear? I figured this would shake her up a bit, maybe get a laugh out of her. But I was really looking forward to James seeing her in it when he returned.

Amy beat me to bed, so I came strutting out of the bathroom, and struck a pose for her. I didn't get the laugh I had hoped for, she just looked more worried about the upcoming talk. So I shrugged, and climbed into bed with her. She did not seem in a hurry to talk, so I started caressing and massaging, and trying really hard to connect with her.

She eventually opened up. "Jamie, I… This is so hard! After seeing you dressed like that, I feel a little better about this first part." She turned toward me and took my hands in hers, looking me deep in the eye. "Jamie, I have been so worried about what I have so selfishly done to you. I keep searching to see if my James is still there, somewhere, but I can't see him any more. I am afraid I helped uncover something that I wish I'd never found." By this time tears were trickling down both her cheeks.

"Hush, my love." I crooned softly. "James is still here. And you are still the most important person in the world to him."

Amy worked up a tiny smile, but the tears continued to flow. "Oh, I hope so. I miss him so much! But anyway, we need to… I need to find out for sure. If there was something there, hidden, we can't just try to bury it again. It could destroy you, or us. So I have made you an appointment with Dr. Simmons. Rick is the psychologist in our group who oversees the treatment of most of our transsexual patients. He is very good. If there is anything there to find, he will work through it with us. If not, then we can both feel better about this. For the first visit, next Tuesday, we will both talk to him. No matter how that one goes, he will want to see you regularly until you get changed back, and get past the emotional upheaval."

"Frankly, I have had a few areas of concern myself. I am not sure about seeing a psychologist, but if you trust him, and you feel you need it, I agree.

"Thank you, my love. I really need to know." She quieted, burrowed down next to me, and started idly playing with my breasts. It felt so good, but I could tell there was something else on her mind.

Gently, "What else, Amy?" as I held her wrists immobile.

She looked so unsure of herself, so unlike the confident self-sufficient woman I adored. "I have done something I am afraid you will hate me for." she said in a trembling voice.

"Oh, sweetheart, don't you know by now, even after all this, there is nothing you could do to make me hate you."

She blurted "I've made a date for you tomorrow night."

I must say, that one stopped me cold. Before I could respond the words started tumbling out of Amy's mouth, hardly stopping for a breath, never giving me a chance to speak, till the whole story had spilled out.

"There's this guy, Jerry, that's part of our group. You've met him, Dr. Fredricks. He has been hitting on me good-naturedly for a couple years, and I have just as good-naturedly turned him down. Every time. Every single time. Till now. Honey, I swear to you that I have never, not once, been unfaithful to you. I have had meetings with men, one on one, evenings or weekends that some might have twisted into dates, but I have never considered them so. And there has never been untoward behavior by me. Jerry is very persistent in a non-pushy sort of way. I need to know about you, honey, so I decided to set you up in a one on one 'date' with Jerry. He thinks it is me, but it is you who will go, pretending to be me. I have made it very clear that there will be nothing sexual about this date. That I still love and am faithful to my husband, but I have been lonely lately, as James has not been around. So he is picking you up tomorrow at 7:00."

The rush of words stopped, but my head was still spinning. "Date? Jerry? Me?" I couldn't get any more thoughts together. My wife was arranging dates for me! With men! I think I am going bonkers.

Amy freed her hands and started doing delicious things to my breasts again. As my mind started to clear from the string of jolts it had just received, it started clouding with the desire Amy was arousing. One of her hands slipped down and stroked my vagina, in just the spot she had learned brought wonderful sensations to my encased cock through the silicone.

"You don't hate me, do you?"

"No, Darling, as I have already said, there is no way I could hate you. I am at a loss about why this particular thing, but I don't hate you." I paused. "Maybe I can make something positive out of this." Now I got a devilish little grin on my face. "I don't much like the idea of guys hitting on my wife, and I really don't like it when they don't take no for an answer. Maybe I can really bring that home to this little twerp!"

"Now, Jamie, you're me for this outing, don't you get me into trouble over this. I have to continue to work with Jerry, you know."

"Trust me." I don't think that made her feel any better.

Amy drifted off to sleep, but I lay awake a long time thinking this through. I had a good idea how I wanted to handle Jerry, but was concerned that my growing passivity would interfere. I hope we learn something from those blood tests Sandy is running.

Friday, October 16

The only thing of note that happened early in the day Friday was when I answered the phone.

"Hello."

There as a pause, then Amy's mom's voice, "Amy, is everything OK? What are you doing home this time of day, sweetheart?"

I was flustered. Amy's mom thought I was Amy! What to do. I obviously can't explain. And Amy has no twin sister that could be visiting. Oh well, just blunder through. "Hi, mom. James is a bit under the weather, and I stopped home to see how he is doing. I have to be back to the office shortly."

"Oh, nothing serious, I hope!"

That brought a smile to my face. Nothing more serious than her son-in-law now being a dead ringer for her daughter, breast implants, hormones, cosmetic surgery, behavioral modification. "No, mom, nothing serious. He should be right as rain real soon now. I think it is from overwork, he spent some serious time on his job last week."

"Yes, that boy does have a tendency to overdo at times. Well, I was just calling to see about getting together next week. It's been so long since we've seen you two."

"Um, well, Mom, things are real busy right now for both James and I. Any chance we can do it after Halloween?" She was agreeable, said she understood. We went on to finalize the details, then I begged off saying I was due back at work.

Before I forgot anything, I called Amy. Wonder of wonders, she was not with a patient, so I could talk to her, not her machine. I quickly detailed the mistaken identity, my excuse, the plan for next month. Amy then related the reactions to her new blonde locks. Apparently there were mixed reactions from her coworkers, but mostly positive. Jerry seemed to be definitely on the positive side. Amy had another patient, so had to go, saying she'd see me at shortly after 3:00.

I made a point of being early to Sandy's office, and it turned out Amy was a little late. This gave Sandy and I a chance to talk. Well, the news was not good from my point of view. My female hormones were sky high, way higher than transsexual patients normally get, higher than girls in puberty. And the androgen blockers were apparently way high as well, as my free testosterone was far lower than it should be, maybe even lower than had I been castrated. Sandy was concerned about the long term effects, and on my ability to become a fertile male again. Wonderful. I talked her into not telling Amy about this right now, as she was under enough stress about my lost masculinity, without having that kind of detail. We agreed she would just report the hormone levels were high, and I should stop the pills, which we had done anyway.

With Amy coming, we decided not to explore it right now, but arranged for me to come back to her office tomorrow. About then, the nurse showed Amy in, so the topic was dropped. Amy was informed that my hormone levels were high, and that I should stop the pills. She said we already had, and the discussion shifted to Amy's procedure.

Sandy started with "Now about your enhancement, is this temporary, or permanent, because we have some options to discuss."

Amy looked at me, but I gestured that it was her call. "I don't think I want to commit to permanent. Jamie looks great, and I am looking forward to looking like that, but not sure I would like it long term."

"The reason I ask is that we have a new procedure. It is a gel substance with hormones and growth enhancers. The gel fills out the breast immediately, and is slowly absorbed into the tissue, stimulating it to grow and fill in to create a more natural enhancement. It has been in testing for years, with very good results, and we have finally been given the go ahead for limited use. You are a good candidate for it, and the really big advantage is there is no surgery, so no bruising or much in the way of pain. Mainly just a feeling of tightness in the breast, much like a new mother feels as her milk comes in. This way, by tomorrow evening, Sunday at the latest, you won't even know we did anything. Except, that is, for the increased attention you will get from men."

Amy asked me to stand up, and slowly turn. She checked my body over, trying to make up her mind if she was willing to commit to looking like I do. She asked me again, and I grinned a little, and said if she chose to, I would fully support her decision, and made a little hefting gesture with my hands. That got a giggle from her.

"All right, let's do it. I wasn't looking forward to the recovery time anyway."

"Just be warned," Sandy cautioned, "this isn't totally free from discomfort. You won't feel like doing much for the next day, maybe two."

Sandy led us to an examining room, and sent her nurse for the necessary supplies. Amy dropped her top, and took off her bra, revealing to me her beautiful upper body. Sandy had her lay back and poked and probed her breasts, studying them carefully. She then had the nurse swab Amy's entire breast area with alcohol, then a topical anesthetic, as the needles required were rather large. I moved beside Amy, and took her hand, squeezing it comfortingly. She looked at me with love in her eyes, then jerked slightly as Sandy inserted the first needle. She worked her way around Amy's breasts, evenly injecting the solution, then stepped back to study the result so far.

"I've measured out the correct amount to target the DD size Jamie's breasts will be in the next week or so, but I have not injected it all yet. I need to study a bit and choose injection sites for the most even distribution. The gel does an amazing job of redistributing for a smooth natural look, but I like to give it all the help I can."

She than made 3 more injections in each breast, and told the nurse to help Amy into a special shaping/support bra the nurse had retrieved with the other supplies. Amy pulled her top on, and tried to stand. It's a good thing I was close, as she wobbled a bit.

"Changes the balance a bit, I guess." She said with a grin. I held her steady while she got her balance. Sandy gave us after-care instructions, then let us leave. I drove Amy home, as I didn't want to take any chances. We could pick up her car tomorrow.

It was about 5:30 when we got home, so I only had an hour and a half to get ready for my date. Amy and I went to the bedroom. She stripped to bra and panties, and climbed in bed, claiming fatigue, and a slight nausea. But she watched from bed, and made suggestions. Well, it was more like ordering me around, directing me to do this, then that. After all, she said, it was Amy going on the date, so she had to help dress me as authentically as possible.

I dressed in all Amy's clothes, except the shoes and bras, which didn't fit. She first laced on one of my newer corsets, and tugged the laces, noting finally that she had pulled it to its limit. My waist really was getting tiny! This was followed by a plum colored demi-bra that left a huge amount of cleavage showing, and matching lacy thong panties. She had me add a matching garter belt, and feed the garters down through my panties, for easy access in the restroom, she said. Then came the sheer black seamed stockings, which were caught up to the garter belt. She insisted on inspecting the seams to ensure they were straight.

She advised me on what, how much, and the colors of makeup I was to use, until I had a bold but slightly understated look, with plum eye shadow, slightly more intense eye liner than I was used to, and a deep plum lipstick. She stripped and polished my toe and finger nails to match.

She directed me to fetch my 4" black pumps, but got up herself to go to the closet to get the dress she had in mind. This was one I don't remember, a plum colored dress of a supple light fabric that hugged every curve I had. The slightly full skirt ended mid-thigh, and was about the shortest I had ever worn. It would swirl out with any quick turns, but was not so full as to let too much be seen. It had a scoop neck that showed off more boob than Amy had had before this afternoon. I felt really indecent.

Amy pulled out large silver hoop earrings, a silver choker with a heart dangling from the front, several silver hoops that turned out to be bracelets for my right wrist, and a very dainty silver watch for my left. She left my fingers bare of rings. I wondered if there was significance to that omission. After all, Jerry would know Amy wore our wedding ring most of the time. Then she dabbed some of her perfume between my breasts, on the pulse points below my ears and at my wrists, and on the back of my knees.

We had about 10 minutes left when we finished. Pretty good for a girl getting dressed, huh? Amy pulled me to the bed and sat me down carefully. She then climbed up beside me and curled her legs under herself, so she could sit facing me.

She grinned and said to me, "Lookin good, Amy!" Oh, yeah, I was being her tonight. Mental note, don't forget that! Then Amy turned serious. "Look honey. I hope you will be OK with this. I know it seems kind of strange, since I have never gone on a date except with you since we were married, and now, here, I have set you up with one. I want you to know that I consider this a hiatus from our marriage. Whatever happens tonight, it is what you need, and what I need, to try to figure all this out. Nothing that happens will count as infidelity." I started to protest, but Amy held her finger to my lips to hush me. "This has gotten so out of hand. I spoke with Rick Simmons about this, before I made your appointment with him. He felt it was very important for you to experience as much of womanhood as possible before you go back to James. This whole challenge may be your only chance, and it would be terrible to have regrets after it is too late. So I want you to promise me. Jamie! Promise me. Promise that you will BE a woman tonight. Experience. Live. Really feel how a woman feels around a man. I'm not saying to go to bed with Jerry. But I'm absolutely not going to tell you not to, either. Do what feels right for the woman you are right now. Do it for you. Do it for me!" A single tear slipped down her cheek.

I leaned across and kissed it away, then gently kissed each eye, and her mouth. "I am confused about all this, but I love you. You feel this is important, so I will go with your wishes, but I will not do anything that feels uncomfortable. There is no way I would have sex with a man, I guess maybe I cannot believe in myself as a woman enough to do that. But I will play the role to the best of my abilities, and try to gain what I can from the experience. Just remember, man or woman, you are my one true love. Always."

Another tear or two leaked from Amy's eyes, and I was having trouble not dripping as well. But I managed to save my makeup.

The bell rang, and it was show time. This was going to be one tough act.

I gathered my courage, and found a smile somewhere before I opened the door. Jerry looked very nice, and just a bit nervous. He perked up a lot when he saw me, then whistled appreciatively. He then glanced around sheepishly, and asked if James was around. I fought the urge to giggle, and told him there was no problem. He took my arm, and led me to his car. When he opened the car, and was about to help me in, he suddenly pulled me toward him and kissed me quickly, full on the lips. He quickly slid me into the car and almost ran around to his side to get in, then drove quickly away.

Oh my, this was not going according to plan at all. It took me a while to piece my thoughts together. Finally I felt I could speak without falling apart, and said as forcefully as Amy's melodic voice allowed "Jerry, I thought I made it clear that this evening was not like that! I still love James very much, and I will not be unfaithful. I should just make you take me home!"

Jerry looked contrite. "I'm sorry Amy, it's just that you are so damned beautiful tonight, and when I saw you without your wedding ring, I guess I got the wrong idea. Please, let's just go on like that didn't happen and enjoy each others company for the evening."

I seemed to relent. "OK, but behave yourself!" But I was wondering why I was not too bothered by the kiss.

Jerry perked up. "I really love what you've done with your hair! That color is fantastic on you." I blushed. "And if you don't mind my mentioning, I could have sworn that you weren't that well endowed last time I saw you."

I giggled. "I had a visit with the boob fairy this afternoon. She goes by the name of Sandy these days. I have a friend that I was jealous of in that department, and when Sandy told me about a new treatment they have, I decided to go for it." I stuck out my chest, and turned it a bit from side to side. "You like?"

"Yes, I like very much. Very, very much!"

We went to a classy little bistro Amy and I hadn't been to before. There were lots of quiet secluded booths, perfect for quiet conversations, or more romantic pursuits. I laid the ground rule that I was off work, and I didn't want to talk about it. I hoped that would keep me from being tripped up by something that they both knew about from work. So we talked about movies, and books, the circus that politics had become, and the clowns that inhabit it. Jerry was easy to talk to. I found that we shared a taste in books. I tried to be careful, as Amy's taste is similar, but diverges somewhat. We had similar political views. We had visited and enjoyed or disliked some of the same parts of this country, and the world. Dinner was surprisingly enjoyable, good wine, good food, good wine, good conversation, more good wine, good company. I was feeling pretty lucky that I had snagged Amy before she met Jerry, or I might have had serious competition. He did seem pretty taken with me, err Amy. Whoever! I thought back on my ideas from the other night on how to use this date to steer Jerry away from Amy. They didn't seem so hot right about now.

After dinner, we went to a little jazz club. Amy loves jazz, and I guess Jerry knew that. We sat at a little table near the back wall, where we had a pretty good view of the stage, and where we could hear each other talk, but still appreciate the music. We sipped drinks, and listened to jazz, or talked as the mood directed us. The group was pretty good. We talked through a couple of breaks they took, and enjoyed the sets of music in between. I don't remember how many drinks I had, but when we got up to leave, I was really feeling no pain. Jerry supported me unobtrusively so I didn't fall off of my towering heels.

We got back in Jerry's car, then drove to a secluded spot overlooking the lights of the city. The evening was a delightful temperature, so we rolled the windows down, looked at the spectacular light display and talked some more. I leaned my head back for a moment, and must have dozed off, because the next thing I remember was this amazing sensation coming from my breasts. As the wool from my nap cleared, my arousal grew. I felt my dress slip off my shoulder, and then my bra going loose. Then there was a jolt of electricity as Jerry sucked my nipple into his mouth. This felt so good, so different than being with Amy, I just could not rouse myself to stop it, even though I knew it was wrong.

I felt Jerry caress my inner thigh, which set off an alarm bell. His hand moved higher. Although I had my false vagina firmly in place, I didn't want to test just how well it stood up to tactile manipulation. I laid my hand on Jerry's to stop his northward progress. I must say, he is very smooth. He turned that into a motion that carried my hand to his crotch, and was using his hand to encourage mine to massage him. He renewed his tooth and tongue attack on my breast, and next I knew I was manipulating another mans cock! How could this be happening. And why couldn't I stop it.

When my hand seemed to continue on its own, Jerry's hand returned to it's exploration between my thighs. I was amazed that Jerry's zipper seemed to be unzipping itself. Then I realized that my traitorous hand was the culprit. I reached inside, and felt the first cock I had touched besides my own. I tried to say something, but all I heard was Amy moaning. Amy here? How did that happen? Oh, yeah, I'm Amy tonight. Recheck mental note to self!

I moaned "Jerry, no, I can't." But it wasn't very forceful. I planned to say that I was married, but what I heard come from my mouth was "It's my period." So much for planning. Think, brain. What now.

Jerry took the need to think away as he gently guided my head toward his lap, and I was suddenly face to face(?) with Jerry's manhood. OK, now would be a great time for a new plan. Seems my tongue had one, though I didn't approve much. It reached out and daintily lapped the drop of clear liquid from the tip. Hmm. Can't say I've experienced that flavor before. My tongue decided that wasn't so bad, no matter what my brain was thinking, as it flicked several times across that oh so close cock, then swirled around the head.

What now, I thought. My lips were next to turn traitor, as they wrapped around the helmet, and sucked it further into my mouth. At that point I was lost, and shortly had Jerry's very respectable member probing the back of my mouth. I tried to pull back, only to suck it back in, going deeper this time. I gagged a little, then readjusted my angle, and pushed myself further down, feeling the tip enter my throat. A couple more strokes and I felt my nose buried in Jerry's pubic hair, and my chin brushing his balls. Darn, now why did I have to notice that? My hand, without conscious thought reached in and gently cupped his sack, gently scratched the loose skin, then caressed it, as my head moved up and down that shaft. Jerry somehow had one hand manipulating each boob, invoking delicious sensations that were running around my chest, then straight to my crotch. A few more strokes, a few more tingling waves to my own limp cock, and I felt Jerry swelling in my mouth. He was panting hard, and I would have been too, had I not been wrapped around that particular piece of manflesh. My mind said pull back. My tonsils said "Sorry, Charlie." And I felt Jerry erupt into my throat. The surge tipped me over the edge too, and I shot my tiny load into my gaff. But Jerry just kept on going, spurt after spurt, until I couldn't swallow fast enough and it leaked out around my lips. What swallow? Guess my throat is in on this mutiny too.

Jerry groaned and began going limp. I pulled back, licking and sucking his member clean, until it slipped from my mouth.

Oh my god. What have I done?

But then Jerry was pulling me up to his mouth, and kissing me deeply. I might not have minded that so much, but what really bothered me was that I was kissing back. Passionately. This continued for some time, before Jerry slipped down to tease and nip and suckle my breasts again, lavishing equal attention on both. I heard Amy moaning again, and I thought "That little slut, can't she ever get enough?" Well, guess it takes one to know one, because right now that little slut was me. I started to shake, and pant, then I stiffened up, and came again. Jerry slowed his ministrations, becoming much gentler as I came down. He then came back to my mouth for about a hundred or maybe a million more of those kisses.

After we could separate our lips, he whispered "I knew it! I just knew you were one of the girls who can come from just having their breasts stimulated. And I just proved it. Has James ever done that for you?"

That was like a splash of ice water in the face. James! That's me! At least, it used to be me. Was it anymore? Could I ever be James again? Was I ever James. I just didn't know.

I started quietly sobbing, and Jerry was at a loss as to what to do. He tried to gather me close and comfort me. That only made the sobbing worse. He frantically started mumbling apologies, for making me suck him off, for kissing me, for asking me on a date, for existing. My sobs grew into wails. I think Jerry was on the verge of panic. He frantically helped me rearrange my clothing, and drove me toward home, begging me to stop crying. By the time we got home, I had calmed down some. At least I wasn't bawling my eyes out. My clothes were mussed, my hair tangled, and my makeup was a mess, what hadn't washed down onto my neck. I squared my shoulders, said goodnight to Jerry, and told him it wasn't necessary to walk me to the door. I regally exited his car and walked with all the dignity I could muster in the front door.

I had half expected to see Amy waiting for me, but that was not the case. I struggled into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine from the bottle of Chablis in the fridge. Leaning back on the counter, I pondered what had happened tonight. No, not what had happened, what I did! And I pondered what it meant for the future.

I walked to the bedroom. Amy was sitting up in bed with a book. She saw the glass of wine, my bedraggled appearance, the black streaks of my waterproof (ha!) mascara down my cheeks and neck, and knew all was not right in my world. I don't know what I expected her to do, but breaking down and bawling was not it. But it did set me off again. I managed to set down the wine glass, staggered to the bed, and collapsed next to Amy, hugging her for all I was worth.

We stayed like that till first Amy, then I fell into an exhausted sleep.

Saturday, October 17

I woke the next morning, stiff, sore, still in Amy's dress and makeup. Amy lay near me, propped on her elbow, watching me closely. I noticed a musky taste in my mouth, and it all came crashing back. I didn't know I had that many tears, but I sure shed a lot more of them. The storm passed, and I struggled out of bed to get cleaned up. Amy followed silently, helping where she could, just being close when she couldn't help.

I showered, and Amy joined me, washing me tenderly. We got out, and she patted me dry with a big fluffy towel. I brushed my teeth three times while she watched. When I ran out of things to do, she led me to the closet and draped a lightweight robe on me. We then went to the kitchen, where Amy fixed coffee. When it was ready, she poured us each a cup, took them to the table and sat. I collapsed into the chair across from her and wrapped my hands tightly around the coffee mug.

"Ready to talk?" she asked quietly. I looked at her dumbly. Not a single thing to say would come to mind. I shook my head as if to clear it. It didn't help. Amy reached across and gently stroked my arm, not rushing me, just letting me know she was there for me.

"I think you may be right about seeing Dr. Simmons." Was the first thing I could force out. Amy reacted as if I had struck her. She uttered a little cry, then clamped down on her emotions.

"Tell me. Please."

I still couldn't think of anything to say. So I just sat still.

"Oh, god, don't shut me out. Please don't do that."

The anguish in her voice penetrated a little, and I mumbled "I'm not trying to shut you out. I just don't know how to talk about it."

She absorbed that, then gently said, "Why not start at the beginning."

I struggled to get a few words out, starting with Jerry's awe at my/Amy's appearance. The unexpected kiss at the car door. The rebuke in the car, and the easing of hostilities by the time we got to the restaurant. As I talked, words came easier. The quiet classy restaurant, the food, the wine, the talk, and the agreement not to talk about work. The jazz club, good music, easy conversation, drinks. More drinks, more talk, more music. The unsteadiness I felt as we left the club. By now, the dam had burst completely, and words were just pouring out.

The secluded view of the city, the talk, the warm breezes, me drifting off to sleep. The irresistible sensations pulling me slowly from sleep, more sensations, clothes magically removed, roaming hands, the ill chosen excuse to keep Jerry away from my secret. The fireworks in my chest as Jerry played me like a fine violin. The move of my hand to his crotch, the traitorous fingers that revealed his hardness. Jerry's firm guidance to his lap, and my rebelling body that started, then finished Jerry. My own eruption. The passionate kissing, the renewed tender assault on my breasts, my second coming. The kissing, then Jerry's remark that had jolted me out of my fog, and opened the torrents of regret mixed with tears.

I ran out of words. I was drained, and slumped bonelessly across the table, my coffee long since gone cold. I heard Amy say something, but it didn't penetrate. Then I felt her helping me, almost carrying me, into the bedroom, then into bed. I slept like the dead. I guess I really had Amy worried, she called several of her friends looking for advice for handling this crazy girlfriend of hers that had gone off the deep end.

Sunday, October 18

When I finally awoke, it was very early morning. Sunday? Amy was draped uncomfortably across the easy chair near our bed, sleeping, twitching occasionally, uttering little cries now and then. I slipped from the bed and use the bathroom, then cleaned up. I came back to the bedroom, and Amy was still sleeping, so I left her, and went to make another pot of coffee.

A few minutes later, I heard Amy shriek "Jamie!" and come running from our room. She froze when she saw me. Eventually she whispered "Are you OK?" She drifted toward me as if afraid of what I might do. I held my arms out to her, and she darted into them, grabbing me for dear life.

"I don't know if OK it the right term. I am here. I am … I guess I don't know what I am. But I am not in danger of cracking at the moment."

She fiercely pulled my face to hers and kissed me soundly. "You had me so worried yesterday! I don't know what I would do without you!"

Guess I did have something to live for after all.

Amy drew me over to the couch, settled me on the cushion, and snuggled in next to me. We just sat like that for hours. My mind was still in turmoil, and I didn't know what to say to her. The phone rang a few times, but we just let it go over to the answering machine, listening as the message recorded. Mid afternoon, when Amy recognized Jerry's voice, she dashed to the phone, grabbed it off the hook, and screamed "You bastard! You absolute freaking bastard! How could you!"

Amy's vehemence shocked me, but she had been under a bit of stress since I got home. I could not hear Jerry's end of the conversation, but Amy listened for a moment, then responded. "That is so not true! You got me drunk, you son of a bitch, then you took advantage of me!" Pause to listen.

"How can you say that! I did no such thing!"

After another pause, "I give you fair warning, pond scum, if one word of this ever gets out, to anyone, ANYONE, I will destroy your career at the medical group!"

Amy listened again. "I should report you right now, and get your sorry ass kicked out, but for reasons you will never understand, I don't intend to do it! But let just one word of this get out, and that's the end of the road for you, boyo!"

"I will be civil if I see you at work, but you had better never, ever think about touching me again!"

"Because you will pull back a bloody stump if you do!" Amy slammed the phone down, then returned to me. She was so worked up, she was fairly twitching. I put my arm around her, trying to sooth her with gentle caresses, whispered endearments, nuzzles on the neck. Then I froze.

"My god, Amy! What have I done? I was you last night, and I acted an absolute tramp. If this ever gets out, I've ruined your reputation!"

Amy gazed levelly into my eyes, and spoke softly, "That means nothing to me right now. I am far more concerned with what I have done to you. Jamie, I am so sorry, I had no right to set you up like that, even though I expected the outcome to be much different."

I saw in her eyes that she truly didn't care how my action might impact her reputation. I held her tight, and whispered, "What have I done so right that I deserve an angel like you?"

Finally, I disengaged from Amy and drifted into the kitchen. I hadn't eaten since dinner Friday. Or more precisely since Jerry provided a little snack late Friday night. Oh, god! I wasn't really hungry, but I felt so hollow in the middle I was hoping some food would fill the desolate void. Amy came to help, and we put together two plates of things we found in the fridge. We sat and ate in silence. Just as I suspected, food did nothing for the hole in my middle. Except arouse nausea. I only finished half the plate before I couldn't take any more. Amy shooed me off to bed, saying she would clean up. I took her up on the offer.

Monday, October 19

I didn't hear Amy leave in the morning, but when I finally staggered out of bed, I found a note she left on the kitchen counter. I didn't feel like eating, or doing anything else for that matter. But I decided maybe a walk would clear my head. I dressed for walking, and headed out. When I got near the spot I often met Paul, a saw him up ahead doing cool down stretches. I immediately reversed course, but he must have seen me. I heard him calling my name, and jogging to catch up. I didn't want to see him. I hid my face and kept walking for home, telling him to leave me alone. He didn't listen, and kept coming behind me, trying to get me to stop.

All this time, I had been careful not to lead Paul to my home, but today I didn't care. I got to the door and fumbled with my keys, finally getting the door open. Paul was trying to talk to me the whole time, but I tried to ignore him. When I tried to shut the door in his face, he stopped it, and moved past me into the house. He turned and grabbed me by the upper arms, demanding to know what was wrong. When he touched my arms, I whimpered and tried to pull away, a look of terror on my face. Paul jerked back away from me as if he had been burned. "Jamie, what is it? Has someone hurt you? Please, Jamie, tell me. Please, I want to help."

I looked at him, then threw myself into his arms, and started sobbing wildly. He picked me up easily, and carried me down the hall, checking rooms till he found what he figured was my room. He carried me in, stripped the covers back, and laid me gently in bed. After pulling the covers up, he crawled on top of the covers, pulled me toward him, and just held me. My sobbing settled down after a while, and I drifted into a fitful sleep.

Apparently Paul called work to tell them he wouldn't be in, and spent the morning watching over me. Near noon, he found some chicken noodle soup in the kitchen, and prepared it, bringing me a cup, and rousing me to eat it. I managed to get it down, but the sobbing started again, so he climbed on top of the covers again and pulled me against him. I must have drifted off to sleep, because the next thing I remember is hearing Amy demanding in a loud voice "What is going on here! Who are you? What have you done to her?" I came to in time to see Paul with this incredulous expression on his face, staring at Amy, clearly unable to figure out anything to say. He looked from her to me and back several times, while Amy repeated her demand.

"Jamie?" he asked. "What… Who… I don't understand!"

Amy walked over and pulled him bodily off the bed, and tried to drag him out of the room. Paul got his feet under him and followed, still bewildered. By that time, I was awake enough to follow, and alarmed enough about what Amy would do to follow quickly. As I got to the living room, Amy was repeating her demand and Paul was gesturing to her to calm down.

"Wait, please. Are you Jamie. I thought that was Jamie in there."

"I'm Amy, and what the hell are you doing in bed with Jamie?"

"Amy? My name is Paul. I met Jamie walking several weeks ago, and we have become friends, meeting each other as we walk, and sometimes talking along the way. I took Jamie to meet my boss the other day about working for us. When I saw her today, she all but ran from me, and I had to find out what was wrong, so I followed her here. Then she broke down, and I carried her to bed. I didn't do anything to her, except hold her while she cried, I swear!"

Amy was trying her best to calm down, and looked over at me. I nodded meakly. She said "Oh, um, well. Oh, I am sorry. You can imagine how it looked when I walked in. I appreciate you looking in on Jamie." She looked around, and saw the soup Paul had fixed. Gesturing toward it she said "And thank you for that too. I was just coming home to see if Jamie had eaten, or if I should fix something for her. Um, thanks again."

He looked back and forth between us. "Just amazing, the resemblance. But can you tell me what is wrong. I really would like to help."

Amy mumbled under her breath "Not unless you're willing to kill the sick bastard!"

Paul focused on her. "What? Kill who?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, I am just a little upset with the jerk that caused all this." Amy seemed to remember she was talking to a stranger. "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't need to burden you with our troubles. And it's nothing I can really talk about." She started ushering him toward the door. "So, it must seem really ungrateful of me to rush you out after you have been so thoughtful, but there are some things Jamie and I need to discuss."

"But wait," Paul began, "Who are you? Jamie never mentioned a sister. And I don't want to leave Jamie alone in the state she's in." Paul had planted himself, and Amy was no longer making headway to the door.

I spoke softly, "Thank you so much, Paul, but it would probably be better if you did leave now. I have an appointment tomorrow morning, but maybe we can talk Wednesday, if you are out walking."

Paul's resistance seemed to collapse, and Amy was getting him to the door now, but he said feelingly, "Count on it!"

As Amy closed the door behind Paul, she said, "Bye, Paul. Nice to meet you." We couldn't hear the muffled reply through the closed door.

Amy turned and sagged against the door a moment, then drew herself up, came to me, and guided me to the couch. When we were seated, she asked quietly, "Are you alright?"

"Not sure. Don't think so. Maybe Dr. Simmons can get me started untangling all this tomorrow."

Amy was lost in thought a few minutes, gazing into space. She finally said quietly "Nice friend you have there," gesturing toward the door with her chin. "Handsome."

"Yeah."

Amy had a lukewarm cup of the soup Paul had left over, then had to get back to her patients. "No more knights in shining armor in there this afternoon, OK?" she teased.

I sheepishly said, "Aw, you take all the fun out of a girl's life."

I don't know if Amy wanted to giggle or cry. What came out was a strangled "Mmmfp", then she was gone.

I stayed on the couch and zoned out the rest of the afternoon. Thinking of everything and nothing. Didn't matter much to me which. I was shocked at the time when I heard Amy letting herself back into the apartment. I hadn't moved all afternoon.

She made us some supper, which I picked at, more moving it around with my fork than eating. Amy said exasperatedly "Jamie, you've got to eat something! You're making yourself sick!"

I just said, "Whatever."

Tuesday, October 20

Amy slipped out of bed and the house without waking me, but left an alarm set so I could make my 11:00 appointment. When it woke me, I immediately noticed my scalp was itching terribly, and my hair was lank and greasy feeling. I have the irrelevant thought "Oh, great, this is how Paul saw me yesterday!" But I figured that becoming aware of self-care issues was a positive sign. I stripped and deposited everything in the hamper, then climbed into the hot shower and proceeded to wash my hair three times. When I got out, I patted dry, then used Amy's body powder all over, marveling again at the sleek smoothness of my skin.

I was still naked when the phone rang, but just strolled over to the bedside phone to answer it. It was Sandy, concerned, since we were supposed to meet at her office Saturday. My mouth formed into an O as I recalled there was a problem with my hormones we needed to discuss. It got lost amongst all the other crises. She figured when I didn't show Saturday that I would show up yesterday, and when I didn't she started getting really concerned. I asked if she had any time this afternoon, which she did, and told her I would bring her up-to-date then.

I wanted to try to start feeling good about myself again, so I took extra care dressing. Pretty, feminine, but demure. Then I made my way to his office. He was running a bit late, but I was seated across from him by 11:10. He introduced himself, said to call him Rick, and told me what Amy and he had discussed. He said Amy had thought I would be resistant to the idea of counseling, so he was glad to see me here. I told him that last week I had been, but that events had changed my mind, and I now had great expectations from his services.

"OK, so what is it that you expect to come out of this?"

I knew what I wanted, but had never tried to put it into a coherent statement, so it took a while before I could answer.

"I expect your help to stay intact through the Halloween party, and then help me make the transition back to being James."

"Are you sure that is what you want?"

"Absolutely. I love my wife, and I want nothing more than to be her husband and the father of her children for the rest of my life!"

"And if that cannot happen, what then?"

That thought shook me. "That is not acceptable. That is not an outcome that I will allow."

"Nonetheless, what if that is the way it plays out?"

I'm sure my expression showed my dismay. "I don't know. That is not a situation I can easily accept. I just don't know. Certainly, no matter what, I want to be with Amy, if she will have me in whatever form I come out of this." My voice became pleading. "Please, you've got to promise me this will come out right!"

He leaned toward me and said gently "That is not something I can promise. What I can promise is that I will try my darndest to make this come out the way you need it to be." I noticed that he wasn't promising to work for the outcome I had stated, just for what was best for me.

The rest of the session was just a feeling out phase. Me getting to trust him, and him trying to understand how he might help. He suggested we meet twice a week at least until Halloween, then renegotiate the first meeting after the party. He said that that meeting is where we would make plans for my transition back, and made me promise I would not undertake procedures to undo the physical changes until that meeting at least. That kind of bummed me out, but I agreed.

When I left, I called Amy's office, but she had just sent out for a sandwich, and was trying to catch up on patients through her supposed lunch break.

So I dejectedly headed off to see if I could get myself to eat something. I did, but just barely. I only ate half of what was a pretty light lunch. My appointment with Sandy was still a couple hours away, so I headed to the local electronics megastore, hoping to immerse myself in what was heaven for James. Whether it was my frazzled mental state, or because I was not James anymore, I did not enjoy my time there. I stuck it out until I needed to leave for Sandy's, hoping to rekindle an interest, but no go.

At Sandy's, I was immediately led to an examining room, and told to strip and don the flimsy gown. I was also asked to remove the gaff that was fastened with surgical adhesive in my crotch. Fortunately I carry a bottle of the solvent in my handbag for emergencies. I realized the only times I had had the gaff off in the last two weeks were to clean it, and give the covered skin a couple hours to breathe. Recently, I just felt more comfortable looking somewhat realistic down there.

Sandy was looking grave when she walked in. "James." This was the first time she had used my male name since this started. "There is a problem. Please lay back, I need to examine your penis and testes." That got the adrenaline pumping! She poked and prodded, rolled the testicles between her latex coated fingers. Squeezed lightly and asked about the sensation. Asked about my last erection, and the volume and color of the ejaculate now.

She collected her thoughts for a minute, then said, "James, I feel so badly about this. A mistake was made during your first appointment, and then compounded later. I don't know who is to blame, my nurse or myself, but the hormone implants we used that first day were 60 day implants, not the 30 day that I had intended. Then, 30 days later, the nurse used the same implants as the chart noted from the first time. There are two problems here. First, you have been getting double hormones since the second implant. That could explain the rapid breast development, the lost erections too soon, the sooner than expected shift in emotions and perceptions. This also increases the impact of the hormones on your ability to recover after cessation. You remember that 3 months was what we considered the maximum safe term, and that we were planning only 2 months. The intense hormones have cut those 3 months down by an indeterminate amount. It may even now be too late, though based on my exam, I don't think so. However, that leads us to the second problem. A 60 day implant added after 30 days will mean the termination of hormones after 90 days, three months, pushing the original limit. Given the extreme level of hormones in your body, 90 days is well past any hope of recovery."

I stared at her in stunned disbelief. "You mean, there is no possible way I will ever return to a functioning male?"

"Not without serious intervention, no."

Was she holding out a ray of hope? "What kind of intervention?"

"The possibilities include counter treatment with testosterone, and surgical removal of the implants, quite possibly both."

"Lets do it!"

"Not so fast, Jamie. Sorry, James. The introduction of enough testosterone to do any good into your already hormone saturated system would put great stress on your body."

"OK, if not that, would the implant removal be enough?"

"Maybe, if…"

"If what."

"This is hard. The implants tend to fragment and migrate over time. Your first set is almost at term, and we would be unlikely to find enough to remove. The second set has been in place over three weeks. While we should be able to get a significant portion out, it is likely we will not get it all. The result of both those facts is that you will probably have a much lower, but still significant level of hormones and anti-androgens in your system, tapering off as the end of the third month approaches. Whether that reduction will be enough to save your testes is very much in question."

"What is the impact of the surgical removal?"

"Well, if we assume the implant has fragmented and migrated, as I suggested, there would be considerable probing required, possibly several incisions. While there will be no noticeable scarring as a result, there will be some bruising for a few days, and you will be in some amount of pain, probably for a week or more."

By this point, I was defeated. I said "I can't handle this on my own right now. Amy will have to help decide. I will talk to her about it tonight. When can we do the extraction?"

"I had hoped to do it today, but if you feel Amy should be involved, if you decide to go ahead, we will do it tomorrow, even if we have to work half the night after my regular schedule!"

I didn't think there was anywhere lower to go. I start out trying to be upbeat, then Rick hints that there may be no way back for me. Now Sandy almost made that a guarantee.

I made it home, I'm not sure how, but I found myself sitting on the sofa when Amy came in the door.

With macabre humor I asked "How would you like to have a sister instead of a husband?"

Amy stopped half way to me, frozen in place. "What are you telling me!" she demanded.

I broke down in tears, and told her of my dilemma. She had settled beside me by then. She firmly pulled me around and made me look her in the eyes. "I just have one question. Do you want to be James?"

"Yes!" I was emphatic.

"Then we will get you back. Some way, some how. We will get as much of the implant as possible out of you tomorrow, then we will get Dr. Simmons to guide you back. Failure is not an option. The only way, THE ONLY WAY, I will not have my husband back is if he chooses to be Jamie, then I will support and love her with all my heart!"

I found it ironic that today, when my chances of being male again were the least to date, I had been called James more than any time since this started.

Wednesday, October 21

Wednesday was a morass of grief, pity, and self doubt for me, but I managed to get to the small inpatient clinic the medical group maintained by the appointed hour, 5:00 pm. Sandy could have done it outpatient in her office, but wanted the option, in fact planned to keep me in over at least one night. I was wheeled to an operating room, sedated, and when I came to, I wondered where I was, maybe even who I was. I was in no pain, thanks to the medication, but that would come soon enough.

When I was lucid enough to really see what was around me, Amy was there, and the sky was starting to lighten with the dawn outside the windows. As I moved, I became aware of what seemed like a lot of padding on my rump. Bandages. Well, what did you expect, Jamie girl, after all, the implants were placed in ye olde gluteus maximus. Great place, unless you want to get them back out.

I croaked, and Amy was quickly at my side, with a glass of water and a straw. She carefully helped me drink, and I collapsed back into the bed. When I could finally talk, I said "Have you slept at all?"

She looked away, "A little."

"How did it go?"

"Sandy thinks she got most of it, but we won't know until we monitor your hormone levels for a while. She has also been in contact with some hormone specialists to research ways to counteract the drugs, especially the spironolactone. That has the most impact on your testes."

"Any luck?"

"Maybe, she has to do some more checking. We are also hopeful that the greatly diminished supply will let you start to recover without additional help."

"Oh."

Amy carefully wrapped me in her arms and cooed softly in my ear, about her love for me, about her guilt and shame, about how we will be together always. I needed that, at least the first and last. I held on like a drowning man clings to a life preserver. That was what she was to me, my only hope in a dark and stormy sea.

Finally she kissed me tenderly, longingly, and said she had to get home and cleaned up for the day, as she had patients depending on her.

Sandy came in about an hour later, still an hour or more before the normal start of her day. She looked a bit ragged, but it appeared she had had a nap and a shower, unlike Amy. She asked how the pain was, and went over the same things Amy had told me. It didn't cheer me up any, but then it didn't bring me down more either. She told me the nursing staff would care for me today, and she would check about 4:00 to see if I could go home with Amy this evening. Now that thought cheered me up a little.

After a day of fitful sleep, interspersed with bored wakefulness, I was released into my wife's loving care about 5:30. Amy was looking pretty rough, and I knew I couldn't look much better. We ate a bit when we got home, and then collapsed into bed.

Continued in part 5

  

  

  

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