Author's note: For new readers, you really need to read the first two parts of Trick or Treat. This segment does not stand on its own at all well. For those of you who read and commented on the original two parts, I really need to apologize for this taking so long to publish. What you see below was actually finished just a few months after part 2 was posted. It did not come out the way I had originally intended. That, and some pointed comments by my editor, caused me to try rewriting it not once, but twice before giving up and letting it lie fallow for a (long) time. In addition, life has conspired to limit the time I can spend writing, and in suppressing the creative urge that let the words of the first two parts flow so easily from my mind to the screen. Thank-you to all who have read my little saga, and especially to those who have posted comments.

 

Trick or Treat 3

by Enigma

Part 01

Saturday, Dec. 12

  

Erin looked at the clock yet again. Jamie should have been home a half hour ago. Something was wrong, she could feel it. Taking her cell phone, she called the Lariat Club, where Jamie worked as a stripper. The club should have closed an hour ago, and Jamie should be home by now.

"Hello?" said the voice from the phone.

"Yes, is this the Lariat Club?"

"Yes it is. This is the manager. Can I help you?"

"I sure hope so. I'm a friend of Jamie, um your dancer called Dawn. I am waiting at her apartment, and she should have been here a half hour ago. Is she still there?"

"Um, no, I'm pretty sure she left just after closing."

"Oh. Well, could you check the parking lot for her car? Please. I'm really worried about her."

"Ok, hold on a minute." Bill set the phone down and let himself out the door into the parking lot. He mused softly, "Yep, there's Jamie's car. I wonder where she's got to." He looked around, and then thought he saw a spot of color in the inky darkness at the back of the building. Hurrying in that direction, he found a motionless body sprawled awkwardly on the ground. He knelt beside it and felt more than saw the blood that dribbled from a wound in the abdomen. "Oh my God!" He bent close to try to make out the face. "Jamie!" He grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. Within 10 minutes paramedics were on the scene.

Erin fidgeted as she waited impatiently for the man to return to the phone. When she heard the siren, she got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She silently cursed him for leaving her hanging.

"She's still alive, but just barely," the first paramedic said. For 5 minutes they fought to stabilize their victim, and then loaded her on a gurney and into the waiting ambulance. "We're taking her to Sacred Heart Hospital. I hope she makes it that far." With that, the ambulance sped away to the sound of a wailing siren and squealing tires.

Erin heard the siren again through the phone. "Oh, noooo!" she moaned.

As he headed back into the bar, Bill finally remembered the caller and rushed back inside to the waiting phone. "Hello, are you still there?"

"Oh, thank god you're back," Erin sighed.

"Um, who did you say this is?"

"Oh, my name is Erin. I'm a friend of Jamie's. I'm staying with her right now. Did you find her? Please, tell me she's OK!"

"Uh, Erin, is it? Yeah, I found her. She's been stabbed. She was on the ground behind the club. They're not sure she's gonna make it. The ambulance just took her away. They're taking her to Sacred Heart."

Erin stood dumbly, shock flowing like ice water through her veins.

"Hello, are you there Erin?"

Erin struggled to pull herself together. "Um, yeah, I'm still here. Listen, thanks, I've gotta go to her. Thanks. Bye."

Disbelief held Erin motionless for a few moments. She wondered what to do next. She had to get to the hospital, but what else! Her brain was sluggish with shock, and nearly incapable of coherent thought. She had to tell someone, but she couldn't think who. Wife! Jamie has a wife. What's her name? Amy, that's it, Amy! Last name? What's her last name, damn it? Jamie … Jamie … Hastings. That's it! Hastings. I sure hope there's a listing for James or Amy Hastings. She dialed 411, and the operator thankfully found the number and offered to connect her. She listened nervously as the phone ring.

"Hello?" said a very sleepy voice.

"Hello, is this Amy Hastings?"

"Yes. Who is this, and why are you calling at this time of night?" Amy replied with a touch of heat.

"Are you the wife of James Hastings?"

"You know James? Who is this? Where are you? Where is he?"

"Amy, my name is Erin. I'm a friend of Jamie's. I'm afraid Jamie's been hurt, Mrs. Hastings. Hurt very badly."

"God, no, please. Erin, please! Where is he? Tell me what you know!"

"Jamie was apparently attacked when she came out of work about an hour and a half ago They didn't find her until I called to see why she hadn't come home. The manager answered my call, then found her car in the lot, and looked around till he found her unconscious and bleeding behind the building. She's been taken to Sacred Heart. I'm on my way there now."

Amy had sobbed silently through the entire explanation. "That's clear across town from here. I'll be there as soon as possible." Amy hung up and immediately dialed an all too familiar number. She heard Paul's groggy voice answer after several rings.

"Hello?"

"Paul! Jamie's at Sacred Heart hospital. Can you come?"

"Amy? What happened?"

"I don't know the details, Paul. I have to go now. I hope to see you there!"

*****

Erin huddled in a hard plastic chair in the emergency room, waiting for word of Jamie. She knew from the reception desk that Jamie was here. She knew from the club manager that it was bad. But the damn hospital wouldn't tell her anything!

Amy burst into the emergency room. It had taken her over an hour to get here. She moved quickly to the desk to speak with the duty the nurse. "Can you tell me, please; is there a James Hastings here? Or maybe Jamie Hastings?"

"And who might you be?" asked the dour nurse behind the desk.

"Amy Hastings. I'm his wife."

"I'm sorry; we don't have a man named James or Jamie Hastings here."

Erin overheard and approached hesitantly. "Amy?"

Amy swung around at the sound of her name.

"Amy, I'm Erin. I called you a while ago."

"Erin, is he here? Is he going to be OK?"

Erin immediately picked up on Amy's denial, knowing how hard it was for her to think of her husband in female terms. It was obvious that if Jamie remained female it would take a terrible toll on his wife. "Yes, Amy. Jamie's here, but they won't tell me anything else."

Swinging back to the desk, Amy said, "Why did you tell me James wasn't here? Can you tell me how he is? Do you know anything? Please, tell me."

"I told you there isn't a man named James or Jamie Hastings here. There is a girl by that name, so you can't possibly be her wife."

Erin broke in. "Jamie is a transsexual in transition. She was born a man, and is still legally married to this woman. Please tell her what you know."

Amy felt a chill hearing Erin's explanation, but straightened and flashed a grateful smile at the girl before turning back to the desk. The nurse did not look pleased. "Yes... Ok. The… patient was brought in over an hour ago, and taken immediately to surgery. We've had no update yet. Now, if you don't mind, I've got work to do."

*****

Paul hurried into the emergency room, and was headed toward a nurse behind the desk when he heard his name called from behind him. He turned to see Amy's tear-streaked face as she huddled on one of the hard waiting room seats. Moving toward her, he noticed an attractive redheaded young woman sitting next to her.

When he approached, he spoke up, "Amy? Is she here? Have you heard anything? How is she? What happened?" By this time, he was seated beside her, pulling her into his arms.

Amy sobbed, "No, Paul. They won't tell us anything yet. He is still in surgery as far as we know. And I don't know what happened." Amy looked questioningly at Erin.

Erin nervously cleared her throat, "Hi, Paul. I'm Erin. I'm a friend of Jamie's. I've heard a lot about you." She looked uncomfortably at these two strangers. "About you both. Um, I know a little more about what happened, but not much."

"Tell us what you know, please!"

"Um, OK. I was waiting for Jamie at her apartment this morning, um, waiting for her to return from work. She hadn't shown up by two, so I was getting worried. I called and fortunately, the manager was still there. He told me he thought Jamie had left about an hour before. I asked him to check the lot for her car, and then waited forever for him to return. While I waited, I heard a siren coming near the phone, then stop. Maybe 15 minutes later, it started again, moving away. I knew something was wrong. I just knew it! The manager finally came back on the line and told me Jamie had been stabbed…" Amy moaned in pain, "and that he had found her lying behind the building on the ground. That's really all I know. I got here as quick as I could, but they haven't told me anything, other than that she is here." Erin sagged weakly back in her seat.

Amy took a deep breath, pulled away from Paul, and marched purposefully to the desk. "Excuse me!" she said, her voice stern with authority, "I am a doctor, and Jamie Hastings' nearest relative. Would you please let her doctor know that I am here, and that I would appreciate talking to him as soon as possible?"

The nurse looked none too pleased, probably still unhappy over the disclosure of Jamie's transsexuallity, but she knew her job. "Yes, doctor, I'll pass on the message." As Amy returned to Paul, the nurse lifted a phone and placed a quiet call.

While Amy was gone, Paul focused on the young woman, Erin. "How is it you know Jamie, Erin?"

"Um, I met her briefly over a month ago. We have since become good friends, and I have been staying with her the last week or so."

Amy had returned in time to hear the end of the explanation, so she asked "How did you meet?"

Erin blushed, "We met at a bar, and talked for a couple of hours. I liked her right off, but then I didn't see her again for a few weeks. I was kind of surprised to see her back in the same bar. We talked again, and I liked her even more. We've spent a lot of time together since then."

Amy mused, "Over a month ago? That was before James left. Then the second time would have been after he left. But it's not like James to go to bars. At least, it wasn't like him. I don't really know who he is right now, or what he does."

Erin's blush deepened, and Paul noticed. "Do you know why Jamie was in the bar when you met?"

Erin squeaked a tiny "Yeah."

"Why? Please, tell us why," insisted Amy.

"She came into Mikaela's that first time looking for information." Erin looked from one to the other of these people that were so important to Jamie. She took a deep breath. "She wanted to know about transsexuals. That's the kind of place Mikaela's is…" She looked away as she finished quietly, "That's why the bartender hooked her up with me."

Amy sucked in a startled breath, and Paul studied Erin with a surprised look on his face. "Are you…? Oh, I'm sorry. It's really none of my business." Paul looked down guiltily.

"No, that's OK. Jamie knows, and you have a right to as well." She squared her shoulders and look defiantly at them. "I am a transsexual. I am pre-operative, waiting anxiously for the operation that will make me whole. Jamie needed to know, needed to learn. In case… um, in case she couldn't go back."

Amy looked to be in pain, "You know?" Erin nodded meekly. "Everything?"

Erin said quietly, "A lot. Maybe not everything. We've talked a lot these past few weeks"

Amy and Paul were quiet for a few moments. Finally Amy broke the silence, "You say you've been with him a lot these last few weeks. I've…" She glanced at Paul, "We've been going out of our minds since he left. Can you tell us about his life, er, what he's been doing since he ran away?

Erin huddled into herself. "I'm not sure I should. I think maybe Jamie should do that."

Amy pleaded, "Please, Erin. We have to know how he got here, why he is fighting for his life." Tears were dripping down Amy's face, and Paul looked like he was struggling hard to retain his own composure.

Erin saw the pain in their eyes. "Alright." She paused to gather her thoughts. "Jamie came back to Mikaela's, um, two weeks ago tonight I think. She wanted to learn more about what she might be facing. I saw her and spent the evening with her. The first time I'd met her, she had promised to tell me her story, so that night I talked her into meeting me for lunch the next day. We had lunch, then went back to her apartment and talked all afternoon. Her story was so amazing, and she was hurting so much, and so confused. By evening, I knew I couldn't leave her alone, in the condition she was in after telling her story, so I invited myself to stay the night. I stayed with her the next day as well."

Erin paused, as if to draw strength out of the air. "The next morning, I talked her into calling you, Amy." Amy gasped. "Then I left for work, and Jamie left for Colorado."

"Colorado?" Paul queried.

"Um, yeah. She was seeing a doctor for an operation up there."

Amy let out a startled screech, and Paul demanded, "Did she… Um, is she…?" He couldn't finish.

"No! It was a minor procedure to make her genitals temporarily look more feminine. She was worried about her job… about being discovered."

Amy breathed a sigh of relief, and then latched onto the last comment, "Her job?" Then somewhat wistfully, "I didn't even know James had a job. But why would he be worried about being read. His appearance as a female was remarkable. There is no way anyone would have suspected!"

"Um, well… She worked in a bar over on Third, not far from here. There were a lot of guys there, and she was nervous."

"He was a cocktail waitress?" Amy exclaimed in surprise.

Erin looked down, wanting to be anywhere but here. "No."

"Oh," Amy said with relief.

Paul took up the pursuit, "What did she do that she was so worried about, then."

"She danced." Erin spoke at just above a whisper.

Amy asked, "Danced? I don't understand."

Erin sighed. "It's a strip club."

Amy exclaimed loudly in surprise, "He was stripping?" then quickly looked around to see several heads turned in her direction. She blushed. Erin just nodded.

"Oh. My. God!" Amy whispered. Paul just looked as if he was going to be ill.

Erin rushed on to get past that, "Anyway, she was in Colorado for 3 days. I came to visit her when she got back, and ended up staying with her until tonight. The next week, this past Monday, she went back to work. Since she returned from Colorado, she has been getting more cheerful, less depressed. We talked a lot. She was coming to understand that what happened before wasn't her fault. She was finally forgiving herself, or maybe realizing there was nothing to forgive. Then this happened." Erin heaved a sigh. "I think she might have been ready to call you, Amy, in the next few days."

A couple of tears trickled down Erin's cheek. "She never stopped loving you, Amy." She looked at Paul a moment. "Or you, either, Paul." Erin wasn't sure how to continue. "She ran because she thought that was best for you two. She ran even though it tore her heart out. She loved you too much to continue hurting you." Erin hid her face in her hands and wept for Jamie's pain… and for her own.

Amy pulled Erin close, and stroked her head, murmuring to her, "Thank you. Thank you for being there for him, Erin. I could not have survived losing him forever. Thank you so much!"

After a while, Erin pulled back and gave Amy a watery smile. Amy looked at her closely. "There's more, isn't there?" She searched Erin's eyes, and then nodded her head with just a tiny smile. "He has that effect, doesn't he?" Erin gave a tiny nod, and looked as if the effort to hold the smile was costing her dearly.

"Huh? Did I miss something?" Paul asked.

Amy shook her head sadly, as if to say "Men!" She leaned close to him and whispered in his ear, "She loves Jamie, too!"

Paul looked confused, then smiled sadly and nodded.

Amy saw a tired doctor push through the swinging doors from the treatment area. She sat forward, and watched him hold a quiet conference with the nurse at the desk, who pointed toward Amy. The doctor straightened, and walked wearily toward the small group of people.

"Are you here for Ms. Hastings?"

"Yes, I'm his wife." Amy said.

The doctor looked distinctly uncomfortable with that revelation. "I, um, I'm Dr. Pearson. I've been working on Ms. Hastings for the last several hours. We almost lost her a couple of times. She is in recovery right now. It won't do any good to see her for several hours yet, she is heavily sedated."

"Dr. Pearson, I'm a doctor also. Can you tell me about his injuries and prognosis?"

Dr. Pearson wearily pulled himself up. "There was a single stab wound to the abdomen, just below the lower rib, slightly to the right of center. Fortunately, it missed the heart. It also missed her lung. However, it did damage her intestinal tract. We had to repair several severe lacerations in her stomach and remove a section of her intestines. Infection is the greatest danger now. She is on a course of very strong antibiotics right now. The next 24 hours are critical. If she survives that, she should make it."

Erin asked timidly, "Will there be noticeable scarring?" Amy and Paul looked at her shocked, wondering why that question. Erin whimpered, "Well, her job!"

"Um, that's the least of her worries right now, but no. There will be scarring, but it won't be too bad." He got a very uncomfortable look on his face. "Um, as we examined her when she came in, we found traces of semen around her mouth, and this in her bra." He held out a $100 bill, which everyone just looked at in stunned silence. He leaned forward to place it in Amy's unmoving hands. "And the paramedics brought this in with her." He handed a purse to Amy, and retreated quickly.

Amy unconsciously opened the purse to tuck the bill inside, but encountered a large wad of small bills, mostly ones and fives. She gasped, drawing Erin's attention. "Oh, those are just her tips from dancing last night."

"Tips?" Then in a whisper, "for stripping?"

Erin nodded. Amy looked a bit green around the gills. She was suddenly furious. "How could he be doing that?" she hissed. "How could you let him do that?"

Erin was cringing away from the sudden verbal assault, but Paul pulled Amy back and held her. "Shhh. Don't blame Erin. Jamie is an adult. It was her decision. Maybe, if we're lucky, we will even come to understand the reason some day."

Amy looked abashed. She stammered, "I'm sorry, Erin. I know it's not your fault, I am just so angry that I lost it for a moment. Please forgive me?"

Erin nodded meakly, but kept her distance.

*****

I seemed to be floating in a void that was slowly fading black to gray. There was no pain, very little feeling at all. Gradually I became aware of a steady beeping noise, but it made no sense to me. I struggled to open my eyes, and after some success, I gurgled and closed them again quickly as the light stabbed into my retina.

I felt a sudden pressure on my hand, and a new sound. "Jamie? James?" I know that voice. The voice of an angel. The voice of my angel. My Amy. My wife. My life!

Memory started to return, and with it pain, not physical, but emotional, and another moan escaped my lips.

"James, can you hear me?"

I try to answer, but the only sound is a groan.

"Oh, thank God. James, it's me, Amy. I'm here. I love you!"

Again, I try to answer, but the effort is too much, and the velvety blackness enfolds me once again.

*****

Paul and Erin kept the vigil in the waiting area while Amy sat with Jamie in her room. Both were near exhaustion, nerves ragged.

Paul nervously cleared his throat. "Erin? About the sem…, uh, the…, damn this is so hard. The money in her bra and the, uh, you know… around her mouth? Is that what Jamie has been doing?"

Erin sighed tiredly. "No, Paul. She wasn't a hooker. Um, other than once…" Paul jerked his head as if slapped. "No! She didn't do that. She did say that every night there were at least one or two guys that assumed if they were strippers then they were whores too. There were always offers. And Jamie always turned them down." Erin sagged wearily. "I'm guessing one of those guys wouldn't take no for an answer, and grabbed her as she left the club."

Paul rose and excused himself; hurrying outside to suck some of the chilled desert air into his lungs and let it sweep away some of the anguish that threatened to suffocate him. After a time, he returned to find Erin huddled in the same chair with her head in her hands. Paul quietly sat in an adjacent seat.

"Um, Erin? You said once… What did you mean?"

Erin struggled to find the right words. "Jamie told me about it. The dancers had to mingle with the crowd between dances, encourage them to buy drinks. Normally if the girls drink, they drink tea. One night, this guy wanted to buy her a drink, but gave her a glass already on his table, real whiskey. After each dance, he did the same thing. By the end of the evening, she was pretty smashed. The guy talked her into going home with him, which she'd never done before. When he drove her back to her car in the morning, he stuffed something into her bra and thanked her for a great night. The something turned out to be $500."

Paul seemed to deflate, asking wearily, "How many others? How many other guys did she sleep with?"

Erin said wearily "Only one other that I know of," then in a tiny voice, "besides me."

That was too much for Paul. It seemed as if a significant part of his world was crumbling around his ears. The woman he'd been falling in love with had been replaced by… by what? A stripper? A whore? He stood quickly. "I'm sorry. I can't take any more of this right now. I have to get out of here. Tell Amy I'll be back later."

"Paul, wait! Listen!" Paul glared down at the cute redhead. "Jamie has been going through hell. Just sit and listen to me for a few minutes, OK?"

Paul sank back into the chair, looking with quiet resignation at Erin.

"Jamie had managed to convince herself that the time with that doctor, um, Jerry, and then again at the Halloween party had to be her fault. That she had to have caused it. How else could it have happened twice? That was what she reasoned, so she came to think of herself as nothing but a tramp. A tease. She was crucifying herself for that, and she was hurting so bad from running away from you and Amy. She wasn't thinking right. She seemed to think that if she was a slut she should be acting like one. That led to the times with those two men. Really, she was punishing herself for her failures."

Erin checked Paul's face for reaction, and saw guilt, shock, pain.

"With me, it was different. It started innocently. I liked Jamie. She was nice. She befriended me when so few others would. And she needed a friend desperately. I had very personal reasons for convincing Jamie to let me examine her after the surgery. I wanted to have what she had. I looked, and then probed with my fingers. In one spot, the probing must have felt really good, and she sagged back on the bed and sighed with pleasure. Impulsively, I stuck out my tongue and brushed it across the same spot. Jamie moaned. It just kind of happened after that. It was a caring, healing time for both of us. Being a transsexual is frequently like living a nightmare, and it felt so good to be accepted. I needed it so badly, and Jamie needed the caring just as much!"

Erin drew a deep breath. "I'll admit it. I was selfish. I didn't want to lose the caring that came with being around Jamie. And as I found later, I was falling in love with her." She paused for a while. "But I also saw it as a chance to help Jamie heal. I knew if I was very, very lucky, if I was good enough, if I could help Jamie save herself, then I could give her the ultimate healing: I could get her to go back to Amy. And you." A tear trickled down Erin's cheek. "I knew it would hurt to give her up, but I also knew that was what she needed. And I had to help her do it. When she spoke of you, and Amy, there was an unconscious glow to her, and a terrible pain. It was obvious how much she loved, and how much she hurt."

Erin sighed, looking down. "So I took what I could for myself, and I tried to help Jamie. And it was working, I think. I'm not sure when she might have come home, but I know she was nearly ready to start talking about it. Nearly ready to see if there was anything left to return to."

*****

Awareness drifted over me like a fog, leaving impressions of my surroundings, yet nothing clear. Again I struggled to raise my eyelids, and this time the light was muted. After the effort to open my eyes, I rested, trying to make out some detail. White. White everywhere. Then that sound again. A rhythmic beeping, very regular. I could not feel much, and very little of my body seemed to respond to my commands. Was I paralyzed? Had I been in an accident? I wasn't hurting, but then I wasn't feeling much of anything. I remembered pain, though. What pain? I concentrated on that, and slowly it came back. The incredible, searing pain in my abdomen… The bloody knife as it slid slowly out… The hand that held it… The man standing above me… What he made me do… I gasped, and started sobbing.

Now there was another sound. Through the fog and misery it was faint, but comforting. I focused on that sound, trying to penetrate the fog that muffled it. Slowly it came clearer.

"Jamie. James, can you hear me? Sweetheart, come back to me. I love you. I need you. Please come back to me. Hold on, Jamie. You can do it." The angelic voice continued to soothe, feeling like a balm on the anguish.

The fog cleared a little more, and the beautiful face that went with the voice swam into view. Amy! But I'd lost her. I didn't understand. She said she loved me! How could it be possible? I struggled to speak, but all I heard was a strangled sound.

"Shhh. I'm here, my love. It will be all right. You hang on, and we'll be ok." The soothing voice was like a lover's caress, and I calmed, then slid into darkness once more.

*****

Paul was torn. This supposed friend of Jamie's had told an incredible tale. This was not the Jamie he knew! She would never have done the things Erin described. But then, what Jamie had become after Halloween wasn't the woman he knew either. Who knew what this new person was capable of? He mourned the loss of the Jamie he'd fallen in love with. He was wondering what the chances were that that woman would ever exist again.

Hearing a noise, he looked up to see a weary Amy dragging toward them. Her face was tear-stained, and she looked ready to collapse.

"James came around for a few moments. He is still heavily sedated, so he couldn't talk, but he opened his eyes for a few minutes before going back to sleep." Amy sagged into a chair. "I had to take a break for a while."

Paul looked at her. "Amy, you've got to get some rest. You've been here almost 20 hours already with no sleep, almost nothing to eat. You can't do Jamie any good if you collapse."

"I know, but it's so far to go home. What if something happened? I couldn't get back in time. Besides, I'm not sure I could make it that far. I certainly wouldn't trust my driving right now."

Erin hesitated before saying, "Jamie's apartment is only about a mile from here. We could take turns staying with Jamie, and resting there. There's food there, and a shower, and, of course, a bed. If you want, I can show you where it is while Paul sits with Jamie for a while."

Paul wasn't sure he could stand to see Jamie right now, after what he'd heard, but he knew Amy had to rest. "That sounds like a plan. Neither of you is in any shape to drive. I'll call a cab to take you over there. After we each get a little rest, we can use our own cars again."

Amy didn't want to leave, but knew she had nothing left to give James right now. "Alright."

Paul asked the nurse on the desk if she could call for a cab. Fortunately it was a different nurse than the night before. With real dread, he walked to Jamie's room, to see her for the first time since she ran away.

*****

This time, coming awake was easier. I felt less drugged. The dull throbbing ache in my gut was almost welcome after the near absence of feeling I'd been enduring. I could even move a little. I turned my head toward the intermittent rumbling noise I heard, and saw a figure slumped, asleep in the chair.

There was a call button by my left hand, and I fumbled with it till I could press it. The effort was almost too much. An interminable time later, a nurse entered the room and came quietly to my bedside.

"Water" I tried to say, but I don't think that's what came out. She seemed to understand and lifted a plastic cup with a straw from the table, holding the straw to my lips. I couldn't suck anything through the straw, so she used it to dribble a bit of water into my mouth. The cool liquid soothed my parched throat. "More" actually may have sounded like a word. After several small drabs of water, I was feeling slightly more human. "Thank you." I think she actually understood that, though it sounded very slurred to me.

"How bad?" Formulating any coherent question was beyond me, so I kept it really simple.

The nurse leaned down by my ear and spoke softly and slowly. "You were stabbed just below your ribcage. It missed everything vital, but the damage was pretty bad. You lost a lot of blood. If we can avoid infection for the next day or so, you should be OK."

"Thank you." I rested a moment, and then my finger flicked toward the sleeping figure. "Who?"

She answered, "I'm not really sure. I think I heard that his name is Paul."

That woke a pain deep inside that was not physical, and I closed my eyes. "Thank you."

"The doctor should be in to see you again before long." Then she quietly slipped out the door.

*****

Amy and Erin had survived the quiet ride in the cab. They climbed out into the late evening darkness in front of a slightly run down apartment building that Erin had directed the driver to. She pulled out the key Jamie had given her, unlocked the door, and then let Amy enter first.

Amy looked around at James' new home. It was tidy, and had the typical apartment look she remembered so well from her time in medical school. There were very few decorations, but she suspected James had only intended to stay a short while. She saw a picture frame on the nightstand, picked it up, and tried very hard not to cry as she saw the picture of James with her at a park. She thought wistfully of how happy they had been then.

Erin offered, "I've gotten a little more rest than you at the hospital, so if you want to take a shower, I'll see if I can find something to eat, then you can get some real sleep."

Amy smiled her thanks, and then looked around till she found the door to the bathroom.

When she emerged, she wore only a robe she had found hanging on a hook. She assumed it was James'. As she toweled her hair dry she said, "Ah, that feels better."

Erin was just setting two plates with scrambled eggs and toast on the table, beside two glasses of orange juice.

"I didn't want to get too elaborate. I hope this is OK."

"It looks wonderful. Thank you so much." Amy paused. "And not just for the food. If not for you, I might have lost James for good."

Erin looked nervous and quickly sat at her place. Amy joined her. Amy studied the redhead as she ate the eggs and toast. "You and Jamie are lovers, aren't you?" she asked quietly.

Erin cringed, not sure what Amy's reaction would be to 'the other woman.' She was afraid to speak, so she just nodded, keeping her eyes on her plate.

Amy spoke quietly again, "I'm glad Jamie had you in his life. After all the pain he's been through, he deserved some comfort, some love."

Erin couldn't believe that a wife would speak so to her husband's lover, and looked questioningly at her. "You aren't upset?"

Amy looked down at her hands. "Yes… Not because James slept with you, but because he was put in the position that allowed it to happen. Where it needed to happen. I love James so much, but all that love couldn't heal the wounds I helped to inflict, nor could it keep him from running away and almost destroying himself." She looked up at Erin with tears in her eyes. "With all my love, I couldn't save him. I'm glad you were there to at least try." Amy quietly rose and put her plate in the kitchen sink, then crossed to the bed. She looked back at Erin. "Do you mind sharing the bed? It doesn't make sense for one of us to suffer sleeping in a chair."

Erin nodded quietly.

*****

I woke with a dull pain to find a doctor checking the wound under a bandage. There was a sound off to the side, and I saw Paul opening tired eyes, then jerking awake.

"Is everything OK?" he asked.

The doctor glanced back at him. "Yes, as good as can be expected. No signs of infection so far and all the vitals look good."

Paul rose and came to the bed, looking down at me, at my barely familiar face. I looked away. He must know I was Jamie, but he had seen so little of me since the disastrous Halloween party, and the changes I had made to my appearance.

The doctor spoke again. "A policeman was here to see if you could give a statement. I told him you were too weak, and too drugged, at this point." I nodded weakly.

"Hi, Jamie."

My eyes flickered to Paul, then away, and I whispered "Hi." How could I face him after the things I had done. Unfortunately, the doctor chose that time to leave, and I was alone with Paul. I was so ashamed. "How did you find me?"

"Erin called Amy last night, and Amy called me. She was here all day long, and just left a little while ago to get some rest."

I groaned, "Oh, God. Amy's seen me too?" Paul nodded. "Do you know what happened?"

Paul looked uncomfortable. "A little. Erin told us what she knew."

There were too many questions. How was I alive? Obviously someone found me, and somehow I got to the hospital. How did Erin know what happened? How did Erin know how to contact Amy? How much had she told them? Did they know everything? My job? The men? The sex? I started sobbing, and what came out of my mouth was "I saw that bloody knife come out of me, and I thought I was dead." I felt Paul's arms close gently around me. "I wish I was dead!"

Paul gasped. "No!" then in a quieter voice, "No, don't ever say that. Do you have any idea what that would do to Amy? There are too many people in this world that love you. Can't you see that?"

I moaned "How can she love me after what I've done? I've screwed up everything. I cheated on her. With other men, for God's sake! How can she possibly love what I have become?"

"Shhh. She just does. You are a part of her, and no matter what, you always will be. What is it you've become that she can't love you?"

I was almost afraid to answer, but I had to make Paul see why they had to stay away. So I summoned what courage I had and spat "A tramp! A slut!" I was trying to shock him into understanding. "A queer. A stripper. A cocksucker! A whore!" I struggled in Paul's embrace, trying to push him away.

"Jamie, stop. Stop!" I quit moving. "Amy knows about all that, and she still loves you. She just hopes you'll forgive her enough to start loving her again. That's all she wants."

I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "God, Paul. How can she believe I don't love her?"

He answered softly, "Maybe because of all the terrible things that have happened to you that she feels responsible for? Maybe because you left her? Maybe because for the two weeks before you left you would hardly touch her, would hardly kiss her, would hardly even talk to her? What else was she to think?"

My whole body was shaking with sobs. "Oh Paul. It's not true. I love her so much, but I thought I had destroyed her love for me. That's why I had to get away. Can't you see that?"

He gently pulled me close again. "It'll be ok, Jamie. She never stopped loving you. And if you still love her, you have to tell her. You can't keep her hurting like she is now."

My sobbing slowly faded, leaving me exhausted. I drifted into sleep still wrapped in Paul's comforting embrace.

*****

Sunday, Dec. 13

Amy slowly came awake; aware of a soft warm body snuggled against her. She was disoriented at first. This wasn't home, and that didn't feel like James. No, that's not right. Jamie. Memory slowly seeped through her sleep-fogged brain. No, Jamie is in the hospital. So who? Someone. That's right, Jamie's friend. Erin. The thought gave Amy a stab of discomfort, but the warmth of the contact was too nice to abandon just yet, so she lingered in bed a bit longer.

The pressure in her bladder didn't let her stay long, and soon she slid gently away from the warmth and padded off in search of the bathroom. When she emerged, Erin was just blinking into wakefulness.

"Morning," she mumbled.

"Morning, Erin. I'm going to get a bite to eat, and go back to the hospital. Do you want to come along to get back to your car?"

Erin nodded, and stumbled into the bathroom. When she emerged, Amy was already dressed, and eating a bowl of cereal. She had several cereal boxes, and the milk and juice out on the counter. The coffee was brewing in the coffeemaker behind her.

"This OK for breakfast?"

Erin nodded and poured cereal in a bowl, added milk and poured a glass of juice. "I wonder how Jamie is this morning."

"Me too. Paul has my cell number. He would have called if there were any problems. Coffee?"

"No, thanks. I don't drink it. Um, I'll be ready in just a few minutes." When she finished her cereal, she padded back to the bathroom, taking fresh underwear from a drawer in the dresser, and fresh clothes from the closet.

Amy noticed, but didn't comment. She herself had used some of Jamie's clean clothes this morning, but was feeling somewhat uncomfortable in the revealing outfit that was the only type Jamie seemed to have. She had first selected a conservative skirt and blouse, but found they weren't in the size she and Jamie shared.

Amy called for a cab, and by the time it arrived, Erin was ready to go.

Back in the waiting room, Amy said, "Do you want to go stay with Jamie for a while? If you send Paul out, I can take him back to Jamie's to get some sleep."

"OK."

*****

The light was brighter when I next awoke. The same dull pain was present, but tolerable, and I did not feel as woozy from the drugs. Unbidden, an image flashed in my mind. I was watching a clenched hand withdraw from my abdomen, pulling with it something that gleamed a dark red in the subdued moonlight, dripping dark streaks down my white miniskirt and onto the ground. Memory of the intense pain washed over me, and I heard a high-pitched scream of desperation before someone turned out the lights.

I gradually became aware of a gentle stroking on my right hand, and saw dainty feminine hands holding mine.

"Amy?" I croaked.

"No, Jamie, it's Erin. Amy will be back before long."

"Drink?"

Erin rose and brought the cup to me, and placed the straw against my lips. I eagerly sucked the soothing coolness into my mouth, and swallowed with difficulty.

"Thanks. Thank you for being here. I'm sorry I'm messing up your day off."

Erin's lips quirked into a tiny smile, "Me too. But just because I wish you weren't in here to begin with." Her look turned serious. "God, Jamie, I'm so glad you're alive!"

I looked away. "I'm not!"

"Hey! None of that now! I thought you were getting better about beating yourself up. No backsliding here, understand?"

"Yes, mother," I murmured, and then sobbed, "Do you have any idea what I did? I'm not sure how much more I can take! It might be easier if they hadn't found me. It would all be over now. No more pain. No more suffering."

Erin was gripping my hand tightly now. "Yeah, and no more caring." She leaned over the bed and gently, lingeringly, kissed my lips. "No more love, either! No more Amy. Or Paul. Now you just put any idea like that right out of your mind, hear me?" She looked uncomfortable about something. "Jamie, there's a policewoman outside that would like to talk to you, if you feel up to it."

I sighed weakly, "Not really. But I guess it has to happen sometime." Erin stepped out of the room, and returned with a stocky young woman in a uniform. Erin promptly took a place at my side, giving a warning look to the officer.

"Hello, my name is Janice Perkins, and I'd like to ask you about the man who put you in here."

Over the next 15 minutes I related everything I could remember about my attacker, the circumstances, how he'd hassled me at work a few days before. It was difficult reliving the nightmare, and very exhausting. She informed me that the hospital had given them a semen sample from the residue on my face the night I'd been admitted, and that it could be used to make a positive ID when they caught the guy. Apparently I just drifted into unconsciousness with Officer Perkins still trying to gather information from me because I don't remember her leaving.

*****

Amy led Paul to James' apartment. Paul had insisted he was rested enough to drive himself. Amy let him in using James' keys, poured herself a cup of the leftover coffee, and then sank wearily into a chair.

"How is James doing, Paul? Were you able to talk to him at all?" Despite his appearance, Amy just could not let herself refer to James in feminine terms, though Paul fully accepted Jamie as a woman.

"Yeah, she was awake for a while earlier. She seems to be doing surprisingly well, considering the severity of the …" Paul had a little trouble with Amy's continual use of male pronouns for Jamie, though he figured it must be really hard for her to think of her husband as a woman.

"Assault? Rape? You can say it Paul. That's what we are going to have to help James recover from. That's what happened to him."

Paul looked away. "She still loves you, you know. She didn't run away because she didn't love you. She ran because she didn't see how you could still love her."

Amy pondered that a moment. "Yeah, I think I've known that all along. I don't see how he can still love me after what I've done. And I don't see how he can believe I don't love him." She looked down. After the silence became uncomfortable, she looked up at Paul, studying his expression. He avoided her stare. Amy asked very quietly, "What is it, Paul? What's wrong?"

He paused so long, she wondered if he was going to answer, but finally he spoke. "I can't do this, Amy. I've got to go." He headed for the door.

"Paul, wait!" He stopped with his hand on the knob. "Paul. Why?"

He took a long time answering, carefully not looking at her. "Don't you see? That is not Jamie in that hospital bed. At least, not the Jamie I knew. That Jamie was good, and kind, and loving. She could never have done the things that… person in that bed has done. I can't trust myself to be with her right now."

"Paul. That is the same person! The kind, loving person you were coming to know. You just have to look under the layers of pain, and abuse, to find the Jamie you were starting to love. And Jamie needs you, Paul. Jamie needs all of us."

Paul still wouldn't look at her. "I just can't!" Then he was gone.

Amy sagged on the table. After a moment, she swallowed the rest of the cooling coffee, then put the cup in the sink and started back to the hospital.

*****

The touch of soft lips to mine was delicious. I began the swim from the depths of sleep savoring that gentle touch.

"Erin?" I murmured as my mind cleared.

"No, James. It's Amy."

I swung my head away, miserable. "Oh, God, Amy, I'm sorry. Last I knew, Erin was here."

"Shhh. It's OK, honey. I know." She placed her hands on each side of my face and pulled my head back to face her. I shut my eyes. I couldn't look at her. "James!" she said sharply. "Look at me!" I grudgingly opened my eyes. "I want you to understand something very, very clearly, OK? I love you! I have never stopped loving you! Don't you dare ever think that I could stop loving you! Got it?"

Her eyes told me the truth of her words. The sternness of her voice made me ashamed of doubting her. Tears welled in my eyes. I whispered, "I thought I had destroyed your love for me. I've done such horrible things, how can you possibly still love me?"

"Because you're still the person I fell in love with, and vowed to spend the rest of my life with! And you haven't done anything that would make me stop! And whatever you have done… whatever we've done, we'll deal with. When you get home, we'll work this all out and figure out where we go from here. Together! Never doubt that!"

I reached up with my right hand, wincing at the lance of pain in my gut, pulling her head down till our lips met. After a timeless moment of gentle contact, I moved her back just a little. "Amy, I love you. I believed I'd lost everything when I thought I'd lost you. I still don't understand how you can love me after what I've done, how I've treated you, but I'm just thankful that you do."

Tears were trickling slowly down her cheek, and I brushed them away with my thumb. She lay her head down carefully on my shoulder and hugged as tight as she dared. The embrace caused further pain in my abdomen, but I hardly noticed. I was exhausted and still woozy from the drugs in my system, and began to drift off in her arms.

Monday, Dec. 14

When I woke to bright sunlight streaming in the window, I was vaguely aware of having drifted near consciousness several times during the night. Most of those times, I fell back into sleep almost immediately, but once it took time for my wildly beating heart to slow, and the nightmare images to fade. Despite that, I felt more rested, and as I became more aware, realized I did not hurt as much as yesterday, though the stark terror of the attack still lingered somewhere on the fringes of my mind. In addition to the rhythmic beep of the heart monitor, I heard the sound of someone breathing lightly off to my right. Turning, I saw Erin asleep in the chair Paul had occupied yesterday. I smiled a bit sadly at my friend, my lover of the past week or so. I was grateful to her for helping me pull out of my tailspin, and uncomfortably aware of how I had betrayed Amy with this gentle soul. How was I going to set that right? How could I let her down gently, without pain? Heaven knew she'd had enough of that in her life, what with her true gender, and the transition she was undertaking. As I was musing, she started to stir, and saw I was looking at her.

"Morning, Jamie. How are you feeling today?"

I grinned wryly; "Ready to go dance at the club tonight, I think."

She giggled. It was good to see her smile after the last two days. "I take it that the pain is getting better?" She uncurled her legs from under her and rose gracefully to come to my side. I marveled how anyone could have ever mistaken her for a man.

She leaned down to kiss me on the cheek, and saw me blushing as she pulled back. "Erin …" I began feebly.

"Shhh, I know love. You have Amy back now. I'll slip away quietly, now that I know you are getting better."

"No!" I said vehemently, then quieter, "No. Don't you dare! You are a special friend, Erin. So much more than a friend, really. And while things won't be like they were… I can't do that to Amy… I still want you in my life. I really want to watch you as you blossom into the woman you were meant to be."

She smiled, just a little sadly. "I'd like that." She looked at her watch. "Um, I really wanted to see you this morning, but I have to go get ready for work." She bit her lip nervously. "Amy went back home late last night, as she has patients she has to see today, but she said she'd be back later on."

I smiled my gratitude at her, and she squeezed my hand gently before slipping out the door.

I had slept pretty well during the night, and was fairly wide-awake for the first time since that awful night. I tried to take inventory of myself. Except for the deep, dull ache in my abdomen, and all the tubes sticking out of me, I seemed to be in pretty good shape physically. I shook my head ruefully and wondered how I managed to get myself into these fixes.

Not too much later, a doctor bustled through the door with my chart in his hand, and a nurse trailing in behind him. "Ah, you're awake, I see. Good. I'm Dr. Miller. How are you feeling this morning?" he said as he scanned my chart.

"Surprisingly well, considering."

"Good. Good. Well, let's just take a look at the wound and see how it's healing." Fitting actions to words he put on surgical gloves, pulled back the blanket and carefully lifted my gown to expose the bandages over my wound. I was embarrassed to have my naked groin exposed to him, but he paid that no attention as he focused on carefully peeling off the bandage.

It finally occurred to me what it was that wasn't right. I had a penis! Well, of course I had a penis, I thought with a tinge of discomfort. But the shock was that the penis was not hidden. "Um, Doctor?"

He glanced up from his task. "Yes?"

"What happened down there?" I felt my face burning as I pointed to my genitals.

"What?"

"What happened to my genitals?"

He frowned, then picked up my chart and flipped through it. He glanced at me, then back at the chart. "Oh, I see! There's a note here about having difficulty with the catheter, and having to do some work before they could insert it." He didn't look at my face as he went back to work.

With only a few twinges, he pulled the bandage free, and placed the bloodstained gauze carefully in a medical waste disposal bag. He peered closely at the wound, which I was now able to see for the first time. It was an ugly sight, puckered with the stitches and an angry red. It made me just a bit ill, looking at it. I wondered how I had managed to survive.

"Yes. Yes. It's looking pretty good. Seems to be healing nicely, and I see no signs of infection."

"Um, how long do you think I'll have to stay in here, doctor?"

He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, if it continues to heal as it has been, I should think maybe another couple of days, to make sure infection doesn't set in. But you'll have to spend a good deal of time in bed when you get home. You understand that, don't you?" I nodded.

"When can I get out of bed?"

"If everything is still OK, I'll remove the catheter this afternoon, and then you can get up and around a bit, but only with someone to help you."

"Ok, thank you, Doctor Miller."

Breakfast was boring, just Jell-O and clear juice. But I didn't have much of an appetite anyway. Apparently I was on a liquid diet for a while at least. The rest of the day was interminable, with long stretches of boredom punctuated by brief visits by a nurse or doctor. It gave me a lot of time to think about my situation, and what was really important to me. It also gave me time to reflect on all the mistakes I'd made these last few weeks, and to put some of the things that had happened into perspective. I came to the realization I didn't much care for whom I had become, or the way I had treated the most important people in my life.

One thing did occur to relieve the tedium. I had another visit from the police. This time the officer was male, and considerably less friendly than Officer Perkins had been. I don't know if it was because I was a stripper, or because I was a man that looked an awful lot like a woman, or maybe he just got out of bed on the wrong side this morning. Whatever the cause, he treated me with little respect as he went over the same ground I'd covered the day before. It was a relief when he finally quit badgering me and left.

Late in the afternoon, the catheter came out, and a nurse helped me get out of bed to visit the bathroom. She was very gentle helping me, but there was still considerable pain, and I was exhausted by the time I got back to the bed.

Amy arrived shortly after dinner. I use the term 'dinner' somewhat facetiously. It was simply incredible to see her walk into my room. All the pain and longing of the past month just washed away, and I got a silly grin on my face. She came to the bed and kissed me tenderly. It was so good just to be in the same room with her. She stayed as long as the nurses would let her, and we talked, and talked. She was mindful of my distress over recent events, and kept the conversation light. She discussed current events, her work, anything except subjects that might disturb me. Eventually she had to leave, and I settled down to another long lonely night.

Tuesday, Dec. 15

Tuesday was much the same. Whereas yesterday I'd had to survive a police inquisition, today it was the hospital psychologist. While I was painfully aware that the assault just added more issues to the list I needed help with, it is incredibly hard to talk to some stranger about them. I'm afraid that poor man must have felt like he was pulling teeth, for all that he was able to drag out of me. He finally left, though, with the belief that I was not an imminent suicide concern, with an admonishment to send for him if I had any problems while still here, and with stern instructions to go back to Dr. Simmons at my earliest opportunity.

The meals didn't get any better.

And Amy was just as welcome at the end of the day, though I missed seeing Erin, and would dearly have loved to see Paul.

They gradually extended my walks, and the pain slowly waned. I jolted awake screaming one time during the night, unable to remember why. A couple of other times I woke with my heart pounding and visions of blood lingering. I was more than ready to get out of there by the time Wednesday rolled around.

Wednesday, Dec. 16

Amy arrived at the hospital early in the afternoon, and after a few hours of frustration getting officially released; I was wheeled to the car in a wheelchair. The ride home was long, and not terribly comfortable. The roads around here just aren't that smooth, and every jolt sent a shock of pain radiating out from the wound. At last we were back to the house I'd run away from so very long ago. I felt tears sting my eyes when the house came into view, and I fought to hold them back as we pulled into the driveway.

I made it into the house, with Amy's help, but I was drained and hurting by the time we got to the bed. Amy offered to make some soup or whatever for dinner, but I only wanted sleep. It felt really great to fall asleep in our bed again, despite the discomfort of the wound.

Sometime in the night I woke to realize Amy was carefully snuggled against me, and I smiled as I drifted back into sleep. I had no nightmares while safe in Amy's arms that night.

Thursday, Dec. 17

Amy was not in the bed when I woke the next morning, but I heard the shower running. A shower sounded really good, after spending so much time in bed, but I was going to have to wait another day or two before the bandages could come off and I could get my wound wet. A few minutes later, Amy strolled out of the bathroom, toweling her hair dry, wearing not a stitch. My eyes drank in her lovely body, and I wondered how I had ever let myself leave her.

"Morning, sweetheart! How are you feeling today? Feel up to eating something?"

My eyes were still glued to the heavenly sight. "Yeah, actually I think I would like a little something. Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

"I had my receptionist move my appointments, or find other doctors to take them. I'm staying right here today."

"Ah, I see. Afraid I might run away again if you let me out of your sight, huh?'

A flash of pain flicked across Amy's face before she smiled at my feeble joke. "Yup, you got it. Now I've got you in my clutches again, I'm not ever letting you go!"

"Listen, Amy." I turned serious when I saw the pain I'd caused. "I can never make up for what I've done to you. I'm sorry. I don't believe what I did…"

"Hush. Enough of that! That is behind us, and that's where it will stay. Now all we need to do is figure out where we go from here." She looked down at me, totally unself-conscious in her nudity. "First things first, though. I need to get you cleaned up, and then we can eat, and talk."

She slipped on a sheer robe that still offered tantalizing glimpses of her body, before bringing a basin and wash cloth to the bed, folding back the covers and helping me out of the clothes I'd worn home yesterday. She gently washed and dried my front, examining to the area between my legs as she worked.

"Have you noticed any change, Ja…" She looked distressed as she paused. "Um, I guess I'm not sure what to call you right now. Do you prefer James or Jamie these days? Or should it be Dawn?"

I blushed furiously, realizing she knew what I'd been up to recently. I managed to stammer out, "I'm not really sure any more, either. I guess while I still look like this, Jamie is more appropriate, unless you're more comfortable with James. Besides, that's what it says on my license."

She sighed, "Ok, Jamie, let's get you turned over so I can finish this job. Doing this takes me back to my intern days when the doctors thought it was great fun to put us to work helping out with stuff like this."

"Well, I think you do it wonderfully. If things get tough, you can always fall back on these skills and work as a nursing assistant, or a masseuse." It was true, her hands felt wonderful on me.

"Ok, all done. Let's get something on you and you can sit up in the chair while I change the sheets." She brought out a peach colored, knee length, silk nightie, and helped me up, into it, and then down onto the chair. She made short work of changing the bed. "There! Do you want to lie down again, or sit up while I fix us something to eat?"

"How about I come sit in the kitchen while you work. I'm tired of being in bed."

It was a treat to watch her fix breakfast, and made up for the discomfort of navigating to the kitchen. After she's set poached eggs, juice and toast at both our places, she sat down to eat with me.

After eating a few bites in nervous silence, she said, "Ja…, um, Jamie, you're not going to run away again are you?"

Her pain pierced me to my heart. "No, Amy. I learned some things from this fiasco. One thing is that I still love you more than anything. Another is that running doesn't make the problems go away. Finally, I learned that I need help getting through this, and I'm really hoping that you're the one who will do that." It was my turn to be nervous, and I found it difficult to meet her eyes.

She snorted. "Better believe I'll help all I can, buster!" She paused again with a worried look on her face. "But will I be helping Jamie or James? Don't get me wrong! I love both of them, and I want you to do what is right for you." She sighed. "But I kinda miss my hubby."

"I kinda miss being your hubby, too. And I'm pretty sure that's what I want to be, but I just don't know if I can."

"You've learned more about the effect of the hormones, then?"

"Not really. I've kept the appointments with Dr. Myers, but the last couple of blood tests have still been inconclusive, though not discouraging. But it's not just that. Even if that goes the right way, I'm not convinced I can be a man again. I mean, look at this body!" I blushed and looked away. "And there have been other changes too." I struggled to get the words out, and couldn't look at Amy. "I've slept with men."

"I know. I heard. Is that what you prefer?" she asked gently.

My head jerked up, and I looked at Amy. "No!" I took a deep breath. "But it kind of changes you, you know?"

"Well, we'll work it out somehow. What is going on with Rick? Have you still been seeing him?"

Rick Simmons was the psychologist I was seeing before I fell apart. "No. I was too embarrassed about what was happening to be able to talk to him."

"Will you go back to him, or find someone else to talk to if you're uncomfortable talking to him?"

I thought about it for a while. "That's a hard one. It's really difficult to talk this stuff out with a stranger. And I'm not sure it was helping before."

Amy got a pleading look in her eyes. "Please?"

I sighed deeply. I knew she was right, but that didn't make it any easier. "Ok. Can you arrange an appointment for after I get back on my feet? And I think I need to get blood drawn tomorrow for the endocrinologist, if I can get there."

"I'll talk to Sol and see if I can take the sample here at home and take it in to him."

"That would be good, if we can. I'm not sure I could make it in there this soon. Speaking of which, I think I'd better get back to the bed while I still have some energy to do it."

I spent the day dozing, and talking to Amy. She was always there when I woke from my naps. How did I ever leave this woman? She also found time to run over to my apartment and bring back my laptop and a few other things I thought I could use here. That night, I was able to enjoy the sensations of snuggling against the woman I love again for the first time in such a long time, and I drifted off to sleep feeling her close to me. Again, my sleep was without troubling dreams.

Friday, Dec. 18

Amy rose early to get ready for work. She took her obligation to her patients seriously, and I already felt guilty for keeping her from work the day before, though I'd loved spending the time with her. She served me breakfast in bed, and gave me the most loving kiss before she left. I could have just drowned in that kiss.

I managed to get myself out of bed and into the bathroom to do the necessary. I was still pretty weak, but the pain was getting better every day. Not that I was ready to go jogging or anything. I spent some little time on my computer, going through the email that had collected over the past month. I was both pleased and worried that there were a few contract possibilities. I had been afraid that word of the circumstances leading to the termination of the last contract and the failure to get another might have spread and totally destroyed any possibility of future work. I composed answers to the two apologizing for being tardy responding, citing medical issues that would still keep me occupied for another few weeks, and inquiring if there was still interest. After the last two instances of trying to explain my appearance as Jamie, one resulting in verbal abuse and threat of physical injury, I was reluctant about meeting prospects in person, but I was not willing to give up my career.

More troubling was an email from InfoSource, the company I'd been working for when all this started. The man's name was unfamiliar, and there was very little indication in the message about the reason for the email. My mind flitted through various possibilities: demand for the return of the contract settlement, lawsuit, further harassment … my mind was able to turn up way too many chilling scenarios. I posted a non-committal reply stating I had been indisposed, and inquiring as to the purpose of their contact. I forwarded a copy to Ken Gorman, my attorney, just in case anything disturbing developed.

Amy came home for lunch with the paraphernalia necessary to take my blood sample, and dropped it at Sol Myers' office on her way back to work.

Even though it was mid-December, the weather was warm in this southwestern American desert. After Amy left, I stripped out of her nightie, managing to get into a bikini without tearing my wound open, and lay on a lounge chair on the patio, letting the gentle afternoon sun soak into my bones. As I absorbed the heat and comfort, my eyes were drawn in morbid fascination to the bandage covering my wound. My imagination painted pictures of puckered raw flesh, disfiguring the body I had once taken so much pride in, the one I'd been living in these past few months. I was exhausted toward the end of the day, but managed to get out of the suit and back into the nightie, then collapsed back into bed before Amy got home.

After a light dinner that Amy brought me in bed, she snuggled up to me and started lightly stroking my skin.

"Jamie…" she spoke softly, and uncertainly. "Will you tell me about the time you were gone?"

I thought about that time, and tried to figure out what I could say.

She apparently decided I was ignoring the question, because she finally said, "You don't have to if you don't want to."

I sighed. "No, Amy, it's not that. I've just hurt you so much already. I don't want to make it worse. I think I must have gone a little crazy there for a while. I've done some things I'm not proud of, and I'm afraid telling you about them will only hurt you more."

"More than not knowing? More than imagining? If things were reversed, would you rather not know?"

"If I do, will you tell me about what went on here? How you coped, what you were thinking, feeling?" I noticed Amy squirmed a bit when I asked that. "It's only fair. I know I've kept secrets, but we've always been honest with each other before this, and that's something I really want to get back to."

"Ok…" she said in a small voice, "but you first."

I thought for another minute. "Let me go back a few weeks before I left, because I was shutting you out even then. You already know about what happened with Jerry. But I don't really think I ever talked to you about how much that shook me. I had never had a thought before then of any sexual interest in men, but I fell so easily into giving him oral sex. It made me question everything about myself. I think that's part of why I started seeing Paul so much, but that only made me feel worse, like I was cheating on you. It just seemed so natural, though." I was finding this really hard to say to my wife, but her gentle caresses and occasional murmurs of support and comfort helped me go on.

I continued, picking my words carefully, pausing sometimes when I couldn't figure out my own thoughts, trying to make it clear to me as well as Amy. "As Halloween approached, I was able to put the incident with Jerry behind, and just enjoy what we were sharing at that point, taking pride in my impersonation of you, in seeing how much I could learn about you. How well I could mimic you."

Then it got hard again, as I talked about the Halloween party. I spoke of the guilt I felt about putting Amy into that position with her boss, and the degradation I suffered submitting to Dr. Albert's perverse demands. The physical and emotional pain. The initial gratitude when Amy arrived to save me, then utter terror as I thought what this might do to her love for me. I tried to make her understand how that sequence of events virtually destroyed not only my self-esteem, but also any masculine ego I had left. I tried to make her see how that had sent me running to Sandy to change the way I looked, but not back to the male me, rather to an even more feminine image. Which in turn increased my guilt, and I couldn't face going back to Rick after going against his advice to put off any physical changes.

That brought me to the visit to Mikaela's, explaining that it's a bar that catered to TG's as well as others with alternative lifestyles. That was where I'd met Erin. I'd never talked with Amy about it, but at that point, I was very close to giving up on ever being James again, and needed to know more about a choice to remain female.

Because of the impending meeting with the company I was contracting for, perforce as a female they knew nothing about, I saw my lawyer, preparing for any repercussions to the contract, and also initiating legal procedures to change my name. I was nearly driven over the edge by that disastrous meeting at InfoSource where I endured not only verbal abuse, but also the threat of physical violence. I described how I searched desperately for a way to redeem my self-worth, and then remembering the offer from Paul's company. By the time that fell through, I'd had all I could take. My befuddled brain could think of nothing but to escape, and in my fevered thoughts I came up with the idea that Paul should step into my place to help Amy carry on. I told her of how I made Paul promise to do just that.

Reliving all the anguish to that point had me almost gibbering, trembling in Amy's arms. She tried to get me to stop talking, but I couldn't. Having opened the floodgates, I wasn't going to be able to stop until I had it all out there.

Next came the description of my flight, opening a bank account in Jamie's name using my new ID, finding a motel as far across town as I could get, not sure if I would stay there a while, or continue to run. Going out to drown my guilt and sorrow, trying to forget my lost life, my lost love, my pain. Meeting up with a nice guy named Jim, who sensed my distress, and wouldn't let me drink alone. How after several drinks, I wanted something different, so he took me to another bar, a strip club. How I entered in a wet t-shirt contest, and by taking third place, had won a chance to dance at the club the next night, and about being just drunk enough, and excited enough from the contest, to do it. I told of being offered the job, and in my battered state of mind, actually believing it was appropriate for me to have such a demeaning job.

In a way, it was easier now, because there were some good times to talk about. But in a way it was harder, because I had to tell Amy how I'd enjoyed the work, taking my clothes off in front of men, the thrill of moving to the music, attracting the tips, tantalizing the audience. Then I tried to describe my state of mind when I slept with Jim, before sending him away to keep from destroying him as I'd destroyed us. Then as I suffered from that breakup, one customer got me drunk, and sweet talked me to his home, his bed, and all the kinky things we'd done all night, followed by his confirmation of my fallen image when he made me a whore, paying me for services rendered.

The next day I was back at Mikaela's, my male side losing ground again to the female, looking for something, anything really, that would tip the scale, resolve my internal conflict one way or the other. That was how I hooked up with Erin again.

I talked of the healing Erin brought me, and how I sought solace in her arms and her bed, how she helped me rediscover what was important to me, and then, just on the verge of calling home, the attack.

By the time I'd finished, I was wrung out, and both Amy and I had tear streaks down our cheeks. She held me for a long time, murmuring calming words, soothing my pain, and then later reminding me of the rewards of the physical side of the love we share. I think it may have been the raw emotions uncovered by recounting my tale, but I woke screaming again, clutching at my abdomen where I'd just watched that knife withdraw, pulling my lifeblood with it. It took a while before Amy was able to calm me enough to sleep again.

  

  

  

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