Copyright 2000 by Samantha Michelle. Permission given to post on FictionMania and Crystal's, and Sapphire's.

Standard warning and disclaimer: All characters are fictional. If you see yourself, buy a new mirror. Contains subjects some people may find offensive. If you are one of them, why are your reading this? Protect your kids. If you are worried about them reading this sort of material, please censor free speech and use a safe surfing program such as net nanny. Or better yet, teach them early and lovingly to understand and accept different lifestyles. Before they learn they from bad experiences.

Constructive comments appreciated. I have a delete button and I'm not afraid to use it! Please send comments to sam@pobox.alaska.net

 

Traveler         by: Samantha Michelle

 

I stared at the ceiling above my bunk. It had been almost three months since I left home, leaving a note saying I was running away to Canada. I doubted if my step-mother even bothered to tell anyone I was gone. I was a mouth to feed, which cut down on her drinking budget. I had traveled thousands of miles. But never found what I was looking for. Meaning in my life.

I had planned well. I still had some money left in traveler's checks, and had never been bothered by the police. Absentmindedly I rubbed my chest, wishing again that I had real breasts. And a few tears leaked out. It was oh-so-wrong. I knew real men didn't want to look like women. Or cry like them.

One of the Hostel staff came in and announced that checkout time was in fifteen minutes. I put my private hell back in its cavern, dressed, then donned my pack and stripped the bunk, putting the linens in the bin by the door. On the way out I thanked the clerk for their hospitality.

It took over an hour, but the city bus dropped me at the door of the interstate bus station. One thing about St. Louis, there was a bus going somewhere every few minutes, every day of the year. So I checked the regular schedule. A few minutes later I shook my head.

Either I had been there, or through there, or didn't want to go anywhere near the places listed. I wondered if there was no place for me. I thought for a moment about the small, carefully sealed pill container in my pack. What did they say, five of the funny little tablets would painlessly kill a horse? I shook the thought out of my head. They were for when I could go no further, or the pain grew too strong to bear.

I went back to look at the schedules again. One of the counter people saw me looking, and asked where I wanted to go. "Somewhere these busses are not headed."

"Have you checked our special and charter list?" I looked at her. "Oh, you didn't know about it. Follow me." She took me to the far end of the counter, where there were several huge chalkboards with row after row of listings.

"The first column is the final destination. The second intermediate stops. The third is the type of trip, the fourth the type of bus, the fifth the number of available seats. The sixth is the cost to the final destination, and the last column any special comments." She smiled at me. "This changes every few minutes, and is first-come, first-served. Good luck."

I thanked her, and studied the board. Many of the listed busses were duplicates of the regular schedule. But there were a lot of strange ones. The deep south was not an option in August. Trips to baseball games made me think of beer-saturated idiots. I had no interest in golf tournaments. The only listing that stood out was one going to Vermont, via Ohio. I had never been to Vermont, and the idea of cool mountains sounded nice. So I moved closer to read the rest of the line.

I moved back to a seat, and thought. It was a charter, on what sounded like a fancy tour bus. There was only one seat available, and the cost was half of what a regular bus would be. It was also essentially non-stop, except for changes of driver. There was an additional note that the bus was destined for something called the Janbury Academy, and carried special needs passengers.

It was due at any time, and I remembered the agent's warning that the schedule changed rapidly. I shrugged, and did a little mental math. I would have enough money to live on for several more weeks if I headed for Vermont. It took only a couple of minutes to get a ticket, and I was advised to head for the transfer area immediately. I wondered what the agent meant when they snickered and said that most of the passengers were being escorted?

I asked one of the station agents where the bus would pull in, and after looking at my ticket, directed me to the far end of the facility. I found a clean bench, and waited. I was almost shocked when I saw the bus. It looked like rolling luxury. The driver got out, and I watched as several pairs of passengers, always one youth with an older companion, got out to stretch, and visit the facilities. When one frail looking boy and his companion passed me, I almost jumped in fright. He was handcuffed. I now understood why the clerk snickered. But it didn't look like a prison bus. And the boy sure didn't look dangerous.

I wondered if I should turn and run, but the ticket was non-refundable, and it sure didn't look like any of the passengers were violent. When a new driver approached, I handed him my ticket, and he smiled. "Don't get a lot of add-on passengers on a run like this. And the company may be a bit strange. Bet they didn't mention it, but meals are included in the fare. He checked his clipboard. You will be in seat 7B. Your seat-mate is a Robin Sinclair, who is traveling alone. So hop on, as we have a lot of miles left to cover."

I made my way down the isle. Most of the passengers were escorted. And most of the young men were about my age, with long hair. I saw a few girls, some rather plain, all with escorts. I wondered what they had done.

Robin was reading a book, and smiled at me when I sat down. I was surprised to see it was a romance novel. I had to look twice at him, thinking at first he was a rather gangly girl. I guess my staring startled him.

"Um, are you going to Janbury?"

I shook my head. "No, just tagging along so I can go somewhere I have never been before."

He looked sad. "Sorry, it's just that with your lovely long hair I hoped..." He looked at his lap.

I pondered what he said for a minute. My hair had been called a lot of things. But never lovely. I stared at him. "Okay, why the long face?"

"I was hoping to have someone to talk to. All the others have their escorts, and, well, I'm lonely."

Lonely I understood only too well. "So what is this Janbury Academy? Some type of reform school?"

He shrank against the window. "Um, I guess some would say that, but I'm not sure you want to know." He looked like there was someone after him, or he had some dark secret that was so horrible it would cause me to hurt him.

"Hey, like chill it, okay. I didn't mean to pry. It's just that not every day I get on the same bus as a bunch of guys and girls in handcuffs."

He looked startled "There are some girls on the bus?!"

I started to say something, then clamped my jaw shut. Hard. And stared carefully at his face. There were traces of makeup around his eyes, and his eyebrows were shaped. I then looked across the isle, and examined the boy sitting there. His face was soft and smooth, and I could see he was wearing some makeup. Even his clothes were strange, and with a start I realized he was wearing a women's blouse. I turned to my seat-mate, who was staring at me with fear in his eyes.

"Please, don't make fun of me. It's not what you think."

I sat there with thoughts playing pin-ball in my brain. I was on a bus full of boys who wore makeup and dressed like women. So either I had found a bus heading to special school for gays, or... I started to sob, and held my face in my hands. The trickle became a flood, and I was surprised when he pulled me to him and held me close until I regained control.

When I looked up an older man was staring intently at me. "Are you going to be okay?" I shook my head. He looked genuinely worried "I didn't know we were to pick up an unescorted student in St. Louis."

I recoiled in fear from him, and Robin managed in a shaky voice "He, he's not one of us." That caused several sudden emotional changes to flicker across the man's face, and he apologized for intruding, then went back to his seat.

I sat there shaking. They thought I was gay like them. And my father had told me before he died it was better to be dead than gay. I spent the next hour trying to comprehend what was happening. I finally decided I had reached the end of my road. I numbly pulled my belt pack from under the seat, and found the little container of pills. I dug them out and stared at the skull and crossbones on the lid.

I was peeling off the tape keeping it closed when I heard Robin scream "No" and something hit my face so hard I dropped the container on the floor. I moved to block the next blow and Robin started screaming for help. In a couple of moments I was grabbed by several hands, and forced to the floor. Quickly my arms were handcuffed behind me.

I heard the same man from before ask Robin why I had attacked him. And Robin telling him that there was no attack, but that I was about to take something awful. I heard rummaging, and Robin said "these things".

The man muttered "Shit. Thank god you got to him in time."

I knew now I was a total failure. I couldn't even kill myself. Then the walls fell in and I plunged crying into the blackness of my miserable existence.

Sometime later I came back to reality. I could feel the vibrations of the bus, and the pressure of someone rubbing my neck and shoulders. I tried to move, but found I was pinned to the floor, and my arms were locked together my something metal behind me. Then it came flooding back, but I was too spent to fight any more.

"Care to talk about it?" The voice came from whomever was giving me a gentle massage. I shook my head. The massage continued. "We flushed those pills down the toilet, so don't bother trying to get free and find them." I twitched, then sagged against the floor. "So now that you have scared the shit out of Robin, and the rest of us, care to explain why?"

"I don't deserve to live." It came out without my control. I could feel the person stiffen.

"You are young and healthy, what could make you feel like that?" I could feel there was caring and concern in the voice.

"I'm sick and warped and hate who I am and what I want and I just want to die like my father told me I should if I ever found out I was gay and...." I started to cry again. I could hear a different people muttering in the background.

"When did you find out you were gay?"

"Now, when I found I was on a this damned bus with a bunch of guys that dress and look like girls and only gay people do that and I've always wanted to be pretty like the girls in school and that means I am gay and..." I ran out of breath, and started to shake. It was then I heard the gasps, and some tense laughter. I got angry and screamed "quit laughing you fucking perverts, just let me die and get it over with."

The person rubbing my shoulders stopped, and I heard his strained shout for everyone to be quiet. I heard someone near me crying, and felt tears hit my neck. "Thank god Robin caught you in time. You really don't understand, do you?" his voice was ragged. I shook my head.

I felt myself being rolled on my back, and someone sat on my legs. I was looking up at the same person who I had seen before. But there were tears running down his cheeks, and I could see Robin's tear-streaked face staring at me from over the arm of the seat.

"Will you just listen to me for a few minutes, please?" The older guy's voice was pleading, and I managed to nod.

"Years ago there was a young boy who wanted to wear his sister's clothes and play games with the neighborhood girls. As he grew up he felt left out when his sisters grew breasts and hips and wore pretty dresses. And he had to wears ties and slacks, and grow tall and get hair on his face. He got depressed because he was attracted to girls, but wanted to dress and be pretty like them. But everyone said that boys who wanted to be like that were sissies, fags, homo's, gays. And they should be killed or run out of town.

So finally that young man got so despondent he tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists, but someone found him and took him to a hospital in time. And at the hospital he learned a lot about himself, and that whether or not he was gay, he was a good person, who cared about others." I was staring in abject terror at him, like he could read my innermost thoughts.

"That young man's name was Robert." He pulled back his shirt sleeves, and displayed the scars on his wrists. "And I was that young man almost thirty years ago." There were tears streaming down his face.

"Please, please let me give you the same chance someone else gave me."

He leaned over and gathered me into his arms, and sobbed on my shoulder. It all started to come out at once, and I shook and cried until I passed out from the overload.

I felt someone jostle me, and ask if I needed to take a trip to the bathroom. It was dark outside, and I found I was sitting in my seat, handcuffed to the arms. Robin was sitting next to me, and Robert and the young man he was escorting were now across the isle. I noticed Robin was holding my hand. I knew it was wrong, but it felt like what I needed.

Robert leaned across the isle, and asked if I would be able to control myself if he remove the handcuffs. I nodded, and once released, felt in my pocket for my penknife. I heard a chuckle, and saw Robert waving it at me. "I've been there. It hurts." I colored and nodded and made my way to the restroom. I was expecting to be stared at like I was a freak by the others. All I saw was sympathy, and a few sad faces. When I got ready to sit back down, Robin asked me to wait, and made a mad dash for the facilities. I realized he had been waiting patiently for me, so he would not disturb me trying to get to the aisle. He looked much happier when he returned.

Once we were settled, I looked at the handcuffs still connected to the arms of the seat. And at Robin. I clasped one around one wrist, and asked Robin to secure the second. He looked at me strangely. "I think both you and Robert will be much happier if I'm unable to do anything to hurt myself. He blushed, nodded, and secured the second handcuff. I sat there for a while.

"It will help if you talk about it."

We wound up telling each other about our childhood's. He cringed when I told him about my step-mom. I felt his shame when his sisters first caught him wearing their panties, and made him go to the park in a frilly pink dress to humiliate him in front of all his friends. "What do you call yourself in your dreams?"

I blurted out "Stephanie", then hung my head in embarrassment.

"I'm lucky. All I have to do is change the spelling from Robin with an I to Robyn with a Y." He reached over and held my hand. "Mind if I call you Stephanie?"

I tried to object, but instead I got tears, and said in a small voice "okay."

I told him I was tired, and he suggested I get some sleep. He got out a blanket, and pulled it over the both of us. I fell asleep with his head on my shoulder.

In the morning I awoke to everyone getting up. The bus was parked at a restaurant and fuel stop, and there was general pandemonium as everyone wanted to use the bathroom, stretch and get something to eat. When the aisle cleared, Robert unlocked the handcuffs, then stared at me. "I cannot legally require you to wear those. But it would make everyone here a lot happier if you would. And if you choose to stay here when the bus leaves, I won't stop you. But I pray to god you will give yourself a chance to be happy before you make the decision to end your life."

I felt Robyn's hand on mine, and he gave me such a sad puppy look I finally had to giggle. "Okay, you both win." I held my hands out for Robert. He quickly secured the cuffs, and we headed off to the restaurant. The waitresses treated all of us like we were lepers. But the food was good, and soon we were all joking around in the parking lot, waiting for the driver to fix something that was keeping the engine cover from closing. I was surprised when the small, frail boy that I had seen in St. Louis came over to me and gave me a hug, saying he would like to be my friend.

"What's your name?

He slowly replied "Nathan... no... Nancy" I watched him shake. And saw someone else afraid of the unknown.

I pulled him into a hug. "Well, Nancy, you can call me Stephanie, and I'll be your friend too." That got a lot of tears and return hugs. Robert came over after Nancy went back to her escort, and smiled. "That meant a lot to him. By the way, my preferred name is Roberta, and is it okay with you if I also call you Stephanie?" I nodded, and got another hug.

As I got onto the bus, the driver gave me a really strange look. I was still wondering about why I didn't feel as threatened today when the bus got underway. I looked at Roberta, and motioned for him, or was it her, to re-secure me. He smiled, and instead took off the handcuffs. "I think you are learning that what people told you is not the truth. If you feel the need for the handcuffs, just ask." I smiled, nodded, and stretched.

Later we made a five-minute stop to change drivers, and continued east. When the driver announced there would be a two-hour stop for dinner, and so they could service the bus, almost everyone cheered. When we were about to head inside, the little boy named Nancy was hanging back, whimpering, and his escort was making little headway in convincing him to go. I looked at Roberta, gave him a smile, and want over to Nancy. I spun Nancy around, and cradled him in my arms. "Sit with me at dinner?" That got a sob and a hug from him, and I carried the little guy inside before he could argue.

I expected his escort to be mad, but instead I got a hug and a whispered "Thanks, you will make a great big sister someday." It made me feel warn inside. Even though I did not really understand it.

Dinner was steak, something my very limited budget had not seen in months. Nancy went from shy to chatterbox, so I spent a lot of time eating and listening. She, as I quickly realized the feminine was appropriate, was quite different from Roberta, Robyn, or me. Her mother found her playing dress-up with her older sisters, and instead of condemning her, encouraged her to be as feminine as she wanted. By the time she was old enough to go to school, she was as cute and girlish as they came. It was when someone found out she was a boy under her skirts that she got teased and badly beaten. So her mother home-schooled her, but when she reached middle-school age her mom wanted to go back to work.

Apparently a psychiatrist friend recommend that she go to the Janbury Academy for a year or two to develop her non-existent social skills, and help her decide what she wanted to do with her life. Nancy said she was super shy, and was afraid of being beaten up again, so that is why she was being escorted.

"Why aren't you wearing a dress?

She pouted "Mom wouldn't let me for the trip." Then she smiled. "But all I have in my luggage are really pretty dresses"

I hugged her. "I'm looking forward to seeing you all dressed up." She lit up with smiles. I suddenly felt alone. I was not enrolled at the academy, At five-ten and stocky I looked nothing like a girl, and everything I was feeling was so terribly wrong, no matter how right it felt. I lost my appetite, and stared at my plate.

Roberta came over "Why the long face?" I motioned to him that I wanted to talk away from Nancy, and he nodded. "Nancy, can I borrow Stephanie for a while?" She smiled and nodded. We went outside, and he looked at me. "Spill it."

By the time I was finished, I was shaking, and he was holding me. There was a determined look on his face. "Where there is a will, there is a way. And I am well known for finding ways to do things." We went back in, and I managed some dessert.

We were told that this was the last food stop, and that after a midnight change of drivers, we would not stop until we arrived at the academy in the morning. There was a pregnant silence, and I could see the fear on the faces of many of the young travelers. Roberta recommended we make a final bathroom run, and offered us each a sleeping tablet, saying it would be better if we were well rested in the morning. I looked at Robyn, and we nodded at each other. Whatever it was, it worked fast. Robyn and I woke up as the bus bounced down a back road through the early light in the mountains.

We pulled up to a large wooden gate. Roberta got out, and used his cell phone to call someone. Shortly a pickup driven by an older woman in coveralls appeared, unlocked the gate, and waved us through. Half a mile up the road we came on what looked like a small college campus. Everyone got out, and helped unload the luggage. I could see why the tour bus. The lower compartments were packed completely full. I looked for my backpack, and it was not three.

"Um, Roberta, any idea where they might have put my backpack?"

When he checked with the driver, they looked over some paperwork. The driver went to make a call, and Roberta gave me a tired look. "Please don't scream. It looks like they didn't load it on the bus back in St. Louis." I sat on the ground. "The driver's checking now, and if they forgot or mis-shipped it they will get your stuff here as fast as possible." I simply put my head in my hands, and wondered if this was divine retribution. I was surprised when I felt someone give me a hug. It was Nancy. She had already changed to a beautiful long green dress, and brushed out her hair. There was no hint that she was really a boy.

"Hey, why the sad face, don't you want to change to a dress too?" I stared at her, thoughts running rampant. Yes, I wanted to put on a dress. But I didn't even have clean socks. I saw Roberta come over.

"Stephanie, I have both good and bad news." We both stared at him. "The good news is that they know what happened to your pack. The bad news is that all that is left is a bent frame. Someone apparently grabbed it as they were moving baggage back in St. Louis. The terminal is going to send you a check, care of us here, for seven-hundred fifty dollars, which is the baggage liability limit. It will take about two weeks." I stared at the ground. Yes it was getting worse.

"You mean all Stephanie's dresses were stolen?" We both looked at Nancy.

Roberta replied "I guess that is one way to put it." Now I knew it was retribution.

She gave me a hug. "That's awful. I'd give you some of mine, but they wouldn't fit." That made me stare and chuckle. Two of her would not make one of me. "I'll call my mommy and have her send you all new clothes. Be right back." She skipped off with a smile.

"I can't let her..." Roberta silenced me with a wave.

"You were wondering what you were going to do, right?" I nodded carefully "Well, this is a golden opportunity to learn about yourself. And don't worry about the cost. Her parents are incredibly wealthy, and if it would make her happy, they would buy you a whole store." He helped me to my feet as Nancy ran back smiling. I felt like a complete idiot being measured by this little feminine boy. When she was finished, she stared at me.

"You'll look awesome when I get finished. Gotta call Mom. See you at lunch." She trotted away.

"It's like she went from a scared rabbit to a bulldozer." Roberta chuckled.

"This is the real Nancy. I interviewed her and her parents before they decided to send her here. She'll be a wonderful wife for some lucky woman." I stared at him. "She's already discovered she is attracted to girls, not guys. So technically she's not gay. More like a lesbian." Now I was even more confused. "Anyway, I talked to the administrator and since you are older then the students here, she said you could stay in one of the empty instructor's quarters till we get things straightened out."

"Instructor's quarters?"

"Most of the staff lives in the local area, but a couple of single teachers prefer to stay on campus, and since originally this school had most of the staff live on-campus, there is plenty of room." He motioned for me to follow him. Soon we were at the back of the campus, approaching a large, ivy-covered building. We went inside, and up a staircase. Pulling a key from his pocket, Roberta opened a door marked 2-D. When we went inside it looked like I had re-entered the 18^th century. There was a small bedroom, a large sitting room, a bathroom, and several closets. It was furnished in what looked like antique furniture, all immaculate. "Not bad for bachelorette living."

"It's like a hotel." He chuckled.

"More self-service, I'm afraid. Everyone eats at the dining room, so that's why there is no kitchen. Down the hall is a large linen closet. They collect dirty linens twice a week, and cleaning supplies are in the janitor's closet on the first floor." I was still staring. "Take a shower and freshen up. I'll see if I can find you something clean to wear until we can get you some new clothes." He left me with two keys and a look of total confusion on my face.

I managed to remember to close the bathroom door. The bathroom had an old-fashioned iron tub, with a weird shower. In the medicine cabinet I found a selection of women's hair-care products, a heavy comb, and a big, wooden-handled brush. And some "beauty" soap. I sniffed myself. A shower was a really good idea. I was glad I was used to traveling. The water pressure varied, and sometimes I got cold water, sometimes hot. Just like the hostels. I followed the instructions on the hair stuff. No wonder it took girls so long to get ready. I had just finished putting on deodorant, and was wrapped in a towel when someone knocked on the door. It was Roberta.

When she saw me, she giggled. "Um, I think you need to shave?" I felt my face. It was smooth. Then I saw where she was looking. At my legs. I turned red as a beet. "You are really new at this, aren't you?" I nodded. "Head back to the shower, use plenty of shaving cream, and shave off all the hair below your ears. Including your armpits. I will help do your back, and anything you can't reach."

"But..."

"Humor me. Besides, who here is going to care?" He was right about that. I guess I was too shocked to argue. Roberta wound up doing my back, and the backs of my legs. And my butt. God I was embarrassed. But it felt really good to feel the hairless softness that remained. "Okay, now the clothes. Based on Nancy's measurements, we took up a collection." She handed me a pile, and ducked out of the bathroom.

"These are girl's clothes!" He stuck his head back in.

"Really? And where do you think I'm going to find boy's stuff around here?" His sarcasm was certainly to the point. And the war inside was heating up. Part of me wanted to run away screaming. A deeper part desperately wanted me to look pretty. The panties were soft, and comfortable. There was a bra with really heavy gel pads that took some effort to get on. I felt like a freak with breasts up at my shoulders, and started to whimper. Roberta came in, giggled, and adjusted things. She added the long cotton slip and pulled a rather plain dress over my head, which she called a jumper. Finally she showed me how to put on the garter belt and stockings. I think my ears turned red and wiggled. They felt incredible. Then she told me put the garters under the panties. "Or it's going to be a real pain going to the bathroom."

He helped me into the sitting room, and sat me in a chair "Make sure you sweep your skirt under you so it won't wrinkle." The shock was so great I didn't notice him putting shoes on my feet. "Feel like some lunch?" That got my attention. So I stood up, and almost fell on my face. I was wearing three inch heels, and felt like I was on stilts.

"But..."

"Just stand there and practice balancing." She returned with a brush. A couple of minutes later she grunted "When was the last time you had a hair trim?"

"Um, last summer?"

"Next week you are getting a make over. Your split ends have split ends that have split ends." When she finished, she opened the closet door to reveal a full-length mirror. "Well, you won't scare too many little kids." I stared at my reflection. I looked like my fathers' mother. She was a big-boned German woman. Except for the hair, which she always wore in a bun, we could have been sisters.

"I... I look like a young woman!" I felt strange, like I was supposed to look this way. Things got a bit fuzzy, and Roberta managed to get me to a chair before I fell. "I..." She shushed me.

"Don't think about it. Go with your feelings. And let's get going before lunch is over." With her help I managed to wobble to the dining room in the unfamiliar heels. And almost got knocked to the floor when Nancy launched herself from nearby and wrapped herself around my legs like a vise. After I regained my balance, and pried her loose, she dragged me to a table. She ignored Roberta, and introduced me to two other boy/girls. One was tall and gangly, wearing shorts and a girl's tank top. She looked about twelve. Her name was Betty, and she seemed really shy. The other girl looked like she fell off the cover of a teen magazine. Long blonde hair, a turned up nose and come-hither eyes. And a sun dress that left no questions she had large, natural breasts. Nancy introduced her as Penny. She was eyeing me warily.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie", Unfortunately in a voice suited to singing baritone. Betty and Penny cringed.

"Stephanie you really need to work on how you sound." Roberta dropped off a tray full of food, and smiled, leaving me at their mercy. While Nancy chatted on about how I got here and the loss of my clothes, I ate. The food was wonderful, and I soon was both full and ready for a nap. I woke quickly when Nancy said my new clothes would be here by next Monday. There was an announcement to clean up and return our trays. I wound up leaving with Nancy. "I am going to give you a tour."

"You just got here today, remember?" She reached in a pocket of her dress, and pulled out a map. I waved helplessly to Roberta as I was pulled down the sidewalk. Nancy was laughing, and I had the feeling I was in for a busy afternoon.

As we traveled, Nancy gave me instructions on how to walk, talk, move my arms, and even sneeze. And corrected my every mistake. When I tried to protest, she pouted, and I gave in. The campus was actually quite large, as my feet soon expressed their views on walking in heels. There was a really nice gym, a small indoor pool, a well equipped library, and even a theater. Classrooms occupied two large buildings. Student dormitories had individual rooms, with a shared bathroom. The rooms were small, but had large closets. Nancy wanted to give a fashion show. I claimed exhaustion. So she smiled and led me back to the main building. She was wearing heels as high as mine on her much smaller feet, and seemed happy. I was sure I would be crippled for a week. But the library sounded inviting, and I had nothing else to do but worry, so I soon was sitting at a desk, deep into a book.

Roberta woke me. I almost screamed, then shook. She held me till I was back in control. "It's supper time, and there are some people I want you to meet." When I l turned and saw her, I froze, and stared. Looking back at me was an attractive, middle-aged woman wearing a dress, her hair in curls to her shoulders. "This is how I look whenever possible. I hate pretending to be a man, but sometimes for school business it is necessary."

"But you said you were really a guy..."

"Which do you think is the real me, Robert or Roberta?" Her voice was steady,

There was no question in my mind. "Roberta." She smiled

"So let's get some supper."

My feet rebelled. But I managed to limp my way to the dining area. I met Robyn, who now looked just like a teenage girl. When she saw me limping, I got pushed into chair, and she brought me a tray. "Did Nancy drag you all over the...?" I nodded. "Soak your feet in the tub for an hour tonight. It will help. She moves like she was born in heels, so don't feel bad." I nodded and munched. Robyn brought me up to date on what she had done, mostly get unpacked, and asked how I felt about the academy.

"I'm still too confused to understand anything." I tugged at my clothes "I've never worn girl's stuff before, and it feels so weird and"

"And you're scared because you like it." I nodded

"But it's wrong and OUCH!" She had just kicked me hard in the shin. "Hey, what was that for?"

"It's not wrong. You are not like most people. Neither am I. Neither are the rest of us here. Different, yes. But it's a good different. Quit judging yourself on what other people, who don't understand, have said. Listen and learn about yourself. If not for you, for the rest of us." I felt like something that crawled out from under a rock. My attempt at self-pity was interrupted by Roberta.

"Stephanie, I would like you to meet Dr. Evangaline Winters, the administrator of Janbury Academy." The woman was in her sixties, petite, with piercing green eyes. "And Dr. Sean Willis, Janbury's resident psychologist and horseshoe champion." I stared at a tall, muscular man wearing a suit. He was the first person I had seen all day dressed like they were male. We all shook hands.

"I explained to Eve and Sean how you came to our doors, and they are interested in helping you learn about yourself. So I will leave you in their capable hands." He grabbed Robyn, and took him and his dinner to another table.

Dr. Willis started bluntly. "Roberta told me about your story, and of your attempt to kill yourself. Professional ethics normally would require me to have you placed in a protective environment " I started to look for a way out, "but Roberta convinced me that spending some time here at Janbury would be far more productive." I relaxed a bit. "She also said you have never allowed yourself to express you feminine side. Is that true?" I nodded. "You've never before, even when you were little, tried girls clothing, played with dolls, or played girls games, or willingly fantasized you were a girl?" I shook my head. "But in your dreams you are always a girl, and want to be a girl, with real breasts and all?" I nodded, and started to sniffle. He handed me some tissues.

"And yet you currently seem fine with wearing a dress and being called by a girl's name, Stephanie, which you chose?" I looked at myself, shook my head, then nodded. He came over and gave me a hug. "I think Roberta is right. Are you willing to promise to talk with me before you do anything that might harm yourself, or others? Think carefully. You have already made some friends here, and your hurting yourself will harm them too." That hurt. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted the hurting to stop.

"You can't cure me, can you." It was a statement, not a question.

"You are not sick, just confused." I stared at him. And the older woman, who was studying me intensely.

"I don't want charity." The older woman smiled.

"We are not a charitable institution, although we do have a large number of scholarships. It happens we are in need of an additional assistant to the groundskeeper, who hurt her back last week. You appear to be in excellent physical condition, and the work is unskilled, so you should easily qualify. It would be part time, and pays little more than room and board. But it includes medical care. And from what I have been told, you would not have a problem dressing as a young woman, or interacting effectively with Charlene or our students, which has been the sticking point with finding Charlene a helper."

"This is a real offer, not just some make-work?" I was skeptical. They both nodded.

"Charlene will be here tomorrow. So will her regular assistant, Freddy. The position runs for the entire school year, so if nothing else, you would have a job, food, and a place to call home until next summer."

"Can I talk to Roberta and Robyn, and this Charlene, before I give you an answer?" They looked thoughtfully at each other. She seemed to agree, he didn't. Then I remembered Nancy, and the clothes. "Besides, I've got to be here until at least next Tuesday, because Nancy is planning on making me give a fashion show that Monday night for everyone." That created confusion. "Nancy found out my stuff got lost, and she measured me and said she was going to call her mom and get me a whole new wardrobe. Roberta told me not to object, because apparently her mom can afford it, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She really is a nice kid."

"Nancy had befriended you?" I nodded. Dr. Winters looked at Sean "This changes a lot. You know Nancy's history." He nodded. She looked back at me. "Nancy has been isolated from the world ever since she was badly beaten for being a boy in a dress in second grade. For five years she has had no friends or acquaintances other than her older brother and sisters, and tutors. She is extremely emotionally fragile. If you harm yourself, or run away, I don't know what she will do." Sean nodded in agreement.

"So now I'm responsible for someone else's life? When I don't even have one of my own?" It came out bitter. "Okay, so that was self-serving. But it's true. What if I just tell Nancy I have to go away?"

"Do you think you can lie to her?" I thought about Nancy, and shook my head. "How bad is the idea of spending a year learning about yourself?" My face showed the pain. "And I will promise that Sean and I will, at the end of the year, give you a thousand dollars and our blessing to continue your wanderings." Sean looked at her. "Sean, give the ethics a rest. You have a responsibility to Nancy too." He nodded unhappy.

"Can I promise to tell you my decision tomorrow evening? This is all too much too fast, and I need to think." The woman and Sean did stare wars, and finally they both nodded. We took our trays back, and Sean escorted me back to my apartment. He asked about my limping, and I told him about Nancy's tour and the shoes. "I guarantee you I won't be running anywhere for a while." That made him laugh.

"Do you have anything for the pain?" I shook my head. When we got to my room, he pulled a bottle from his briefcase, and extracted two pills "Take these just before you go to bed."

I smelled a rat. "Sleeping pills or tranquilizers?" He gave me a guilty look.

"Anti-anxiety pills. They would have put you out till sometime tomorrow." He made a move to put them away, and I motioned for him to stop. I made a quick hobble to the bathroom, stripped to the panties, and put my hand out for the pills.

"You will sleep better, and I could use a good night's sleep for once." He handed me them, and I downed them with a cup of water from the bathroom. He seemed relieved.

They work fast so I'd get in bed if I were you." He left, and I closed up and tucked myself under the sheets. This definitely was better than the youth hostels. I think I was thinking about what to do when they kicked in.

I woke slowly the next morning, feeling incredibly rested. "Good pills!" ran through my mind. When I looked at my watch, it was almost eleven. My feet ached. So I looked at the clothes Roberta had left me, and found a pair of sandals. I dressed in the jumper, brushed out my hair, and wondered what all the fuss was about. Clothes were clothes. But these felt like I was supposed to have worn them all my life. I spent a long few minutes with my face in my hands. It was wrong, horribly, disgustingly wrong.

Finally hunger reminded me it was time to get going. There were no socks, but it was warm. When I managed to limp to the dining area, Roberta saw me and came dashing over.

"Sean told me not to wake you, and said you would probably want to sleep in." I smiled.

"Whatever he gave me, that was the best night's sleep I've had in months." Roberta giggled. "So did they tell you about our discussion?" The look on his face became strained, and he nodded. "I haven't made a decision. Is Charlene here?" He nodded, and pulled me with him. We approached a table where a big, gray haired woman in coveralls was chatting with a guy wearing the same outfit. Before I could say anything, she turned to face me.

The day-old growth of beard was out of place with the lipstick. "You must be Stephanie, the girl that Ginne said might be interested in being my second assistant." I nodded. "And this is Freddy, my regular assistant." Charlene painfully changed positions, and motioned for me to sit. Roberta gave me a hug, and left. "Freddy, grab this young lady some food while we talk." He left, and we looked at each other. "Well, you look healthy. I need someone reliable who's not afraid of hard work. Mostly general cleanup, with some of the gardening and hand labor. Freddy runs the mowers and equipment.

The doctor says it's either take it easy for a year, or he's gonna put me in a cast during the summer. And I'm damned if he's gonna catch all the fish while I'm up to my armpits in plaster." That made me chuckle. Freddy returned with a tray, and I started to eat.

"Ginne also said that you are afraid of who you are inside." I paused with a mouthful of food. He looked at me with a motherly expression. "This is the best place to learn about yourself. Give it a try. I'll work you so hard you won't have time to be depressed." Freddy seconded that.

"Charlene is a slave driver. Until you get sick, then she mothers you to death." I looked at the young man. Who giggled. "Oh, you are wondering why I am the only one dressed as a guy other than Doc Willis?" I nodded. "Well, my original name was Frederica Eleanor Wolman. I'm a genetic girl that has always wanted to be a guy. So now I'm Frederick Ethan Wolman." I stared at him He chuckled "I intend to be chief groundskeeper here when Charlene finally decides to retire. Besides, my wife is a graduate of this place. She's at home taking care of the kids." Now I was confused.

He read my expression. "I got pregnant. With her enthusiastic assistance." I wondered if I was still on whatever Sean had given me. We chatted for a couple of minutes about the duties, and they seemed like I would probably enjoy the physical exertion. Robyn came by and claimed me. So I told them I was going to give my answer to Dr. Winters this evening, and took my tray to follow Robyn to an empty table.

"Okay, what have they told you?" Robyn smiled.

"Exactly what you told them." She looked at me. "So when are you going to end your self-imposed pity party and take the time to learn about yourself." I felt like I'd been slapped. "I've been there, and I pulled my head out, finally, with a lot of help from a counselor, and this place. This is my second year here."

"You are telling me I don't have a problem." I was getting defensive.

"You have a problem. Your ego is bigger than your IQ. The only one laughing at you here is you. And hating yourself for what you are is really stupid." I tried to fight back, and there was nothing to fight with. So I broke down and cried. Which I hated, because only girls were supposed to cry when they got upset. So I started to pound my fists against the table. "Guys don't cry, right?" I stared at her. "Almost all of us have been through this. Macho assholes don't cry. Real men with real feelings do." She gave me a hug, and held me till I quit crying. "So are going to stay, or run away from yourself?" I was about to say I had no idea when I was attacked from behind by a familiar set of small arms.

"Don't leave, I like you!" I pried Nancy loose, and set her on my lap. "I heard you saying you were going to run away, and I don't want you to go. You're my friend." She started to cry, and I held her. "Please, I need you." She suddenly pulled free "Besides, I've got all those new clothes arriving next Monday, and you don't want to go until you've tried them all on!" She was now bubbling with enthusiasm.

"Okay, I promise I will be here to try on the clothes." She grabbed and kissed me, then jumped up and ran off. "God, is she strange." Robyn nodded.

"She acts like a seven-year old, but is actually close to the same age as me. It's like she never grew up." I thought about what the others had said about her. And remembered how I reacted at seven when my father got sick and died. And I didn't have any friends back then either. I jumped up and ran for a bathroom. I was really pale when I came out. Dr. Willis was waiting for me.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Word travels fast around here."

"There are a lot of people keeping an eye on you." I nodded. "So, want to talk?" We headed for his office. It was a long two hours. He helped me drag my remains back to the main building, where we met up with Dr. Winters and Roberta. We wound up in Dr. Winters' office.

"Well Stephanie, have you decided what you are going to do?".

"Yes." The place got very silent. "None of you influenced it, despite your efforts." That got some really scared looks. "It was a little girl named Nancy that reminded me how important friends are. So I will stay a year. Not for me, or you. For her." Dr. Willis looked relieved. Dr. Winters hugged me. And Roberta held me and cried on my shoulder. I took Dr. Willis up on his offer of another of his magic pills. One this time. I ate a small dinner, accompanied by Nancy and Robyn, who walked me back to my apartment. After a shower, I took the pill, and went to bed.

Sleep came quickly to a scared little girl named Stephanie, alone in her new bedroom.

 

End of part 1. Someday part 2 will follow?

 

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