Trauma in Skirts
by: Janet L. Stickney
Janetlynn17@Hotmail.com

 

When I was ready I looked in the mirror, seeing a girl with sexy legs, boobs that looked just right, blond hair and a wonderful smile. Every time she moved her hands the nail color flashed in the light, merely completing the picture. I was in heaven as I sat on the bed to put on the heels. Open toed with an ankle strap, the black color matched the skirt which was offset by the white pullover top. Adding bright red lipstick made me feel more feminine than ever before, and I loved everything about the way I looked. I could hardly wait to let everyone see me, so I added the earrings, a bit of perfume, the gathered up my purse and stepped out of the room.

I’m a tall girl, almost 5’10", but at 140 pounds I didn’t look fat in any way; with my naturally dark brown hair flowing around my shoulders, I knew that letting it grow out was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I took in a whiff of the perfume, then walked down the corridor to the elevator, took it to the first floor and went outside. The crisp fall air and bright azure blue sky reminded me of those days when school started, the time when old friends and new acquaintances came together in their struggling teen years. As I walked to the parking garage I wondered how I had managed to get through those years, the constant fight within myself, holding in the urge to say the "hell with it", put on a dress and simply go to school. It was horrendously painful to watch the girls, so lighthearted and pretty as they went about their business, all while knowing that I should have been one of them. By the time I reached the car I had exhausted that line of thought, concentrating on the moment.

Since my dad was adamantly against anything that even remotely suggested that I wasn’t a "manly man", he went ballistic when he caught me all dressed up that one time, and ever since then he and I haven’t agreed on almost anything, and almost never spoke to one another. That’s why I moved out when I graduated from high school. That was two years ago. Using my savings, I had used a cheap motel room to change, then rented a small apartment in my newly adopted name. After settling in I found a job in an office, first as a gopher, then later as a file clerk, and now as a secretary. I make enough to live on with some left over for the fun things once in a while. Sure, I had to scrimp to do it, and it’s taken almost 15 months, but my beard has been completely removed, so I don’t have to wear very much makeup, and that only makes me look and feel better.

I had gotten a call from my mother, the only one that knew my number, telling me that some long distant relative had passed away, leaving me to inherit at least some of his estate. I didn’t know this person, and never having heard the name mentioned, I had no clue who it was. As I drove towards the lawyers office I had to work hard to conceal the smile that was stuck on my face, knowing that my dad would be there. I had no qualms about revealing myself to him since I didn’t live under his roof and he never helped me financially. Mom knew, but she had yet to see me, since we only talked on the phone, which is why I selected what I was wearing very carefully. Indeed, I had spent hours looking for it at the mall, extending my budget to get it.

The fitted mint colored sheath dress was actually quite plain, but the jacket set off the dress perfectly, the darker green set with white piping on the seams since there were no lapels. Nude pantyhose and pale green shoes with matching handbag, small pearl earrings with a matching choker necklace completed my outfit. Pulling into the parking lot I saw dad as he went in the building, just his back as he did not turn around, but mom lingered, then looked over at me. Opening the door I treated her to a flash of long leg, then I stood up and straightened my skirt before I glanced at her. With all of the poise I could muster I walked towards her, holding my smile so that she wouldn’t see the concern in my eyes, then we were face to face.

"Natalie?"

"Hello mother". I put out my hand, my well lacquered nails pointing at her.

"God! You’re beautiful!"

"I am what I am mother. Shall we go in?"

I followed her inside, our heels silent on the thick carpeting, finding the right office just a few doors down. Mom went in first, then I went in, seeing everyone look at me. Without a word I sat in the chair farthest from my father, my legs demurely crossed, my hands in my lap. Dad did not at first realize who I was, then he did. His eyes crossed a bit and his mouth turned down, but he remained silent as the lawyer began to speak. He went over the will at great length until finally he got to the bottom line. There were a few stocks, some cash and insurance plus a house, complete with furnishings. As the guy droned on I saw dad staring at me, so I locked on him and gave him my best smile.

"In essence, what this all means is that Natalie will get the house and the one insurance policy while you retain the rest of the estate, which is an equal split. Now, if you’ll sign here…and here…I’ll apportion the holdings."

I wondered how he knew my name, then I realized that mom must have told him. Both mom and dad signed the papers, then it was my turn. I signed it Natalie Elaine, since that was my legal name. I sat down again, watching as the lawyer handed them a check. When it was my turn, he gave me some keys and a check, plus a small map so I could find the house. When it was over I got up to leave. I had not said one word to my father, and didn’t particularly want to start, but mom took my arm and held me back.

"Can we use the room for a few minutes? Alone?"

"Of course! Take as long as you need."

Mom held my arm until the lawyer left, leaving me looking into my dads face, which still looked grim.

"Honey, this is Natalie, your daughter Natalie."

"I don’t have a daughter" he spit out.

"Call me mom" I said as I reached for the door, "I’ll let you know how things are once I get settled in the new house." As I opened the door…

"Wait" she said softly, "it’s time that you two face facts! Natalie is a beautiful young lady, and it’s just about time that you realized that!" Turning to look at me…"And you! I think it’s time that you tried to tell your father, and me for that matter, why you have become a woman! We have the right to know what’s going on!"

I yanked my arm away, stunned that my mom would think that I owed them anything! "Rights? Do you really believe, after what you did to me, that you have the right to demand anything of me?! Not hardly!"

"Okay then, we don’t deserve it, but tell us anyway!" Mom sounded…pleading?

I sat once again, leaving them standing there. I waited until they also sat down, then detailed the number of times that I had tried to tell them how I felt, reminded them both that every Halloween I always became a girl, a princess or a fairy, a storybook character or later, a teen girl. It should have been obvious to a blind man, but under my dads tutelage, mom ignored what I tried to tell her, setting aside what she should have known by the time I was 13. I put it all on the table, then reminded them both, but looked right at dad, that I was supporting myself, had a good job, and really didn’t care what he thought any more. Over the years I had stored up my anger, holding it inside, coveting the strength it gave me, but once I started…

At first neither of them said anything, then, for the first time, dad spoke.

"The way I see it, what you’re doing is wrong! You are not a woman, you’re just a man that happens to look like a woman! What do you possibly think you can offer a real man? Sex? That’s about all you have to offer isn’t it?"

I wasn’t going to try and explain it to him and didn’t even bother to try. I stood up, and when mom did too, I hugged her, then left. My one and only attempt to forge a new relationship with my dad had been trashed in a just a few words. Unhappily, as much as I tried to put what he said out of my mind, it stuck there, the continuing litany of his words reverberating in my psyche. He was right, I wasn’t a woman, and there was no way that I would ever have children no matter how often I tried. To take my mind off things I found the map then followed the instructions until I sat there in front of the house. I took the key I was given and went inside, the stale air filled with dust motes. Everything was there, all the kitchen stuff, furniture, beds and so on. I had been told that the owner had never married, yet in one room the closet was filled with gorgeous gowns, dresses, skirts, suits, shoes and so on! On the vanity I found a complete makeup kit, then, on a shelf in the closet, three wigs. I knew right then that the man that lived here was like me!

I collapsed in a chair, resting, trying to cope with the idea that I wasn’t the only girl like me in the family! I went into what was clearly an office, flicked on the lights and sat in the desk chair, looking around. Then I saw it. The envelope was leaning against the computer, my name written on it in a woman’s hand in green ink. I tore it open, anxious to read it.

"Natalie" it began, "by now you have discovered that I lived my live as a woman. I kept track of you over the years, watching as you kept dressing up on holidays, then maturing to become the woman you are now. Your father knew me very well, and also knew that I had begun living as a woman the first chance I got. His anger towards you is not directed at you, as you may think, but at others, specifically, your grandfather, our father. Yes, I am your fathers brother, your uncle, although you always knew me as Aunt Vivian, the one that always doted on you when you were a baby. Events not related to you turned your father inside out, leaving him mentally stranded on his own self imposed little island of exile.

Open the top drawer of the desk and take out the envelope with your name on it, then follow the instructions to the letter. I promise you that you will understand.

Be the woman you know you are, but also, be a lady above all else, and don’t worry about having children, you can always adopt when the right guy comes along."

Vivian

The letter was signed, again in green ink, and as I sat it down I recalled the pleasant woman that I remembered only as Aunt Vivian. Soft in face and voice, sparkling blue eyes and modestly dressed, she always had a smile for me, and usually, a small gift. But when I was 12, she disappeared from my life, and I never saw her again. But she was my dad’s brother! That meant that my dad knew how hard it had been for me all along, yet he did nothing to help me, or at the very least, remain silent! The reference to my grandfather was cloudy to the point of irrelevance, yet there was something in that sentence, something that demanded I find out the truth! I opened the second envelope and read the letter, smiling as the words virtually leapt off the pages. When I was done, I picked up the phone and called my mother, the only person that could tell me what happened.

I opened the drapes and let in the sunlight, both doors to air out the house, then went exploring as I waited for my mother to show up. I had asked her to tell me, but she insisted that she tell me in person, and would be right over. I found the makings, and started a pot of coffee, then went out to the garage. Inside was an average sedan, light tan in color, about two years old, and in the other stall, a mint condition collectors car! My first instinct was to take it out for a drive, but I heard mom drive up and went out to meet her. She hugged me, then we went inside, sitting in the living room. In her hand she had a small shoe box.

"So, Vivian told you."

"Not all of it mom, most of it was very…strange! She mentioned that she and dad were brothers, then something about my grandfather that caused dad to…change. That’s what I don’t understand! What’s happened mom?"

She opened the box and pulled out a handful of pictures, then began to tell me about each person in the picture, starting with a very pretty young girl, my dad standing next to her with his arm around her shoulders.

"This is Vivian and your dad. Vivian was about 16 I think. This next one is your grandfather."

One by one, mom went through the pictures, most of them Vivian and my dad, or Vivian and mom, and even one of my mothers wedding, with Vivian as a bridesmaid! Most of the pictures were in black and white, and showed that my mom and dad didn’t have any trouble accepting Vivian as a woman. That made me wonder even more about my grandfather, and what he had done to cause my dad to change to drastically, so I asked.

"Your grandfather was a hard man Natalie, but for some reason he never put up a fuss when Vivian started to dress as a girl, and in fact he always made sure that she had plenty of clothes and so on. Your grandmother was long gone by the time Vivian started being herself, so she sort of naturally took over the role of housewife, cleaning, doing the laundry, that sort of thing. When your father was about 20, he came home from work early and caught your grandfather doing things to Vivian that he shouldn’t have been doing. Vivian was tied up and unable to defend herself while she was being abused. There was a terrible fight, but after your father set her free, he never could get that very ugly image out of his mind. He took Vivian with him and moved out of the house, never seeing his father again. Vivian healed up and eventually moved away, but your father never got over it.

Back then Vivian didn’t have the choices you do now, so she lived her life as a single woman, only dating once in a while, never forming any kind of long lasting relationships. She went on to college, became a CPA, and started her own firm, doing quite well. Back then, men didn’t just walk in and change their name like you did, which was a bit hard on her, but she managed. That’s why you didn’t recognize the name on the letter. It was Vivian’s real name. When you were about nine, maybe ten, your grandfather showed up on her doorstep, drunk out of his mind, and tried to force himself on her again, but she got away and called your father. There was another terrible scene, and finally the police had to come and drag your grandfather to jail. The police were going to just let him sleep it off, but he died in his sleep, and since then your father has been in an almost pathological state of denial. When he realized that you were like Vivian, all he could think of was what his own father had done to her. He was afraid that he might do the same thing to you honey, and from his perspective, he was right. Vivian was a boy that wanted to be a girl. You’re a boy that wants to be a girl. Just how far does the apple have to fall from the tree to draw the conclusion that he might turn out to be like his own father? That he might attack you?"

I sat there stunned at what I had been told! To start with, I had no idea that Aunt Vivian was a man! I didn’t know anything about my grandfather at all, but knowing my dad, I just could not see him attacking anyone let alone me! In a way I regretted the way I treated him, but it was up to him to heal his wounds since I couldn’t see any way that I could help him, but that’s exactly what mom suggested. She told me what she thought had to happen, then offered to set things in motion. It sounded plausible, yet I had reservations about trusting my father, and could only take my mothers word that it would be okay, so I reluctantly agreed. Then she and went through the house with garbage bags, throwing out the obvious junk, old food, stale flowers and so on until it grew so late we had to stop. That night when I got back to my apartment I called my boss and got a few days off, telling him that I had inherited a house and had to clean it out. I slept well that night, my only thoughts about how I was going to decorate my house.

In the morning I put on some jeans and a tee, my gym shoes, the set my hair in a ponytail and added a bit of lipstick before I made coffee. Then I packed up my coffee pot, some coffee, sugar and milk before I went to the house. Sipping on my thermos as I drove, I didn’t know what to expect, only that whatever it was, it was going to be memorable. I once again opened the house, then started a fresh pot of coffee. Vivian was a meticulous housekeeper, everything look perfect, except for the carpeting and the wall color. Blah! In each bedroom I began to take stock of what was there, much of the clothing outdated, so I began to chuck those into garbage bags for a charity to take away. I had done one bedroom and started on the second when I heard a car drive up. Glancing out the window I saw mom get out of the car. Dad was nowhere to be seen, so I figured mom had struck out. Mom had some coffee with me, then we started in on the house again. After about four hours we had created a huge pile of bags outside, and took a break. Sitting on the front porch…

"I talked to your father last night Natalie. He says that he’ll stop by later today. Maybe you two can talk."

"We’ll see mother."

We went in the kitchen to wash all of the dishes, wipe down the cupboards and so on, and about an hour later dad walked in the back door. It took quite a bit of effort, but…

"Hi dad."

"Hello…Natalie."

Mom said that she had something to do in another room, leaving dad and I alone.

"You’re mother says that you’re going to replace the carpet."

"It’s an ugly color dad."

"Yeah, I agree; Vivian never did have any color sense."

"Mom told me everything dad."

"So I understand."

"Dad, am I so sexy that I’m all you think about? Is that why…"

"NO! Not that! Never that! You’re…you…you’ve turned out to be a beautiful girl Natalie, but certainly not that!" He plopped in a chair, so I sat across from him, my chin in my hands. "Its just that…after Vivian, I never expected you to…what I mean is, two of you within one generation? In the same family?"

"Aunt Vivian was very pretty dad, especially when she was my age."

That brought a smile to his face. "Yeah, she was very pretty, and she had lots of boys following her around, I can tell you that! But dad…he chased most of them away. Then he…" Dad started to weep as he looked up at me.

"Dad, he’s gone, and you just told me that you didn’t think of me that way, so why…"

"Vivian was my brother, but he became my sister and still I loved her Natalie! I always knew that he wanted to be a girl, but I didn’t care, and I would have done anything for her, anything she asked, but when I saw…the look in her eyes…after…she looked dead Natalie, her soul had died. All of the fun and joy she brought everyone was gone, and that old man took it from her!" I sat silent, waiting, because he had more to say, that was obvious. "When we found out that you liked to dress up, all I could see was a repeat of what had happened to Vivian! The old man was still alive then, so we decided not to let you…indulge yourself. We thought it was for your own protection! Then he died, and well, Vivian didn’t want to influence you, so she never returned to our house. I thought it was my fault; that I hadn’t done something more for her! Don’t you see?! By that point it was to late for us!"

"Us? Meaning you and I dad?" He nodded his head yes. "I’m still angry with you dad; there were plenty of times that I could have used some advice, or a little help with other things, but you not only shut me out, you virtually shut me out of your life! Now that Vivian and the old man are dead, everything you feared is gone, isn’t it? And that leaves me! I’m an only child, so if we never talked again, what would happen to you and mom later on? You would need me for that, wouldn’t you? Is that why you’re here?"

"No, that’s not why I’m here!" He drew in a deep breath, then…"I’m here because I realized that I had been wrong, I was a fool!" Pausing…"Didn’t you wonder how the lawyer knew your name? Or that it was your legal name? Or why Vivian knew it as well? I told them. Regardless of what you may think of me, I always knew where you were and what you were doing. When you changed your name, they sent the paperwork to our house by mistake, and when I took it back, they gave me your address. That’s how I knew here you were, but after seeing those name change papers, I also knew that you were very serious about becoming a woman. Back when we were kids, Vivian didn’t have a choice, but you do. She could satisfy a man, but it would always be different, not like a normal woman could. Natalie, honey, please. I love you, and I wouldn’t hurt you, ever! I was a fool. The biggest fool in the world."

That was just about the best thing dad had ever said to me and I felt the tears welling in my eyes, but I held them back, to show him I could be strong. Then I had an idea. "Stay for dinner?" I asked him, and when he said yes, I told mom, and the two of us left to get what we needed. Then I cooked dinner, without any help from mom. Over dinner dad slid a check to me, telling me that it was the money Vivian left him and mom!

"We don’t need it, and you do. Besides, in more than ways than one, you are the one holding everything she wanted out of life. You are the recipient of her dreams Natalie, so take the money. Use it to become the woman we all know that you are. Use it. Become the daughter we, I, missed out on when you were growing up."

I didn’t touch the check, letting it lay between us. In a way I felt as if it were blood money, a way for my dad to salve his wounded pride. It had taken every bit of his strength to be there, then apologize, but in my mind, he knew less than nothing about me. I had developed a little, my breasts a small A, while my hips and bottom had rounded out a little. I had no body hair of course, and in every aspect of my being I was a girl, except for one small thing, and that was a less than useless appendage by then. Not even my mother knew how much I had changed, since, like most women, I did not display my assets wantonly. I didn’t even have a boyfriend, so the only person that knew, was me. I had started when I was 16 by buying hormones over the Internet, taking the prescribed amount, and by the time I had moved out, I had to hide my development. Dad sat there waiting for me to say something, but what?

"Why don’t you just put the money in the bank Natalie?" Mom didn’t sound like she was pleading, but…"Or you can use it to fix up the house, whatever you want, but I’ll bet there is enough there to do everything."

I put my hand on the check and drew it to me, seeing both mom and dad smile. They left a bit later, and after I washed the dishes, I went back to my apartment. As I lay in bed I thought about what I had learned that day, what mom had told me, then what my dad had done. Because of our relationship, I had learned not to trust him, yet that was exactly what he wanted from me! The fact that Aunt Vivian was a male like me aside, it was actually what his own father had done to her that had destroyed my father. Every word, each action and every nuance about him told me that he blamed himself for not protecting his sister, yet had no control over what had happened, and it had been Vivian’s choice to distance herself from our family; he had not driven her away. Then he found out that I wanted to be a girl, and in his mind, the best way to protect me was to deny me the chance to be myself, or even talk about it. But neither of my parents had told me anything about what had happened, so all I felt was an overwhelming sense that my own father began to hate me for what I was, a girl in a boys body.

In the morning I called mom and asked her if they could meet me at the house, then drove over so I would be there when they got there. If dad had any doubts about how I felt, it was time for me to put that to rest. I wore my tightest jeans and a tee that had a low neckline. Once he saw me, there wouldn’t be any doubt at all. I had let my hair down, holding it back with a pair of barrettes that I had found in Vivian’s jewelry box. Black, they contrasted nicely with my blond hair. I wore a bit of perfume and soft red lipstick because it made me feel good.

Dad walked in first, took one look, then his eyes sort of widened, but he recovered quickly. Mom saw me, slowed a little, smiled, then followed me into the bedroom. She shut the door, leaving us alone, dad was getting something to drink in the kitchen.

"Obviously, you’ve changed quite a bit! You have developed quite a bit as a matter of fact!"

"I started in high school mother, and if you and dad had been a little less…antagonistic, I would have told you!"

"High school! But how?"

That’s when I explained how easy it was, the lifted my tee so she could see for herself just how much I had developed. I wasn’t gloating so much as explaining, and mom took the news fairly well. She had visual proof that what I meant what I had said, that I had always been a girl. Together we found dad who was busy pushing the furniture into the middle of the room, "to make it easier to paint" he said, adding that we could move the furniture into the kitchen when I had the carpeting replaced. We worked at it for a few hours, then dad and I went to buy the stuff to paint. I knew that he was desperate to ask me about what he had seen, but I waited, letting him come to that on his own. As far as I was concerned, I was who I was, and he was going to have to find a way to live with it. The night before he had said that he accepted me the way I was, but that was before he knew that what I was, was a lot more female than male.

We had the house painted in two days, and the following week the carpeting was replaced and I moved into the house. I saw my mother every day as she tried to forge a new link between us, and I came to see her as a victim, like me. She was trapped in a situation she had no control over, and finding out that her only child, a son, wanted to be a girl had to be very hard on her. Especially when she knew about Aunt Vivian and what she had gone through. The turmoil caused by my grandfather reverberated through the years, landing right on me, causing me to forgo my own family in order to start a new life for myself. Mom and I bonded in ways that I never thought possible, and I had even let her see me naked from the waist up once. After that display of ego and pride, she and I grew closer, and that drew my father and I together emotionally.

My father’s natural reluctance to show any kind of affection towards me, was a direct result of his fear that he would turn out to be like his own father. Yet my growing relationship with my mother forced us together often, and as I began to understand both myself and my father, I forced the issue. I sat next to him whenever I could, I kissed him on the cheek, I held his hand and hugged him as often as I could. I craved his attention, something I didn’t realize before. His strength of will was something I inherited, and our lack of communication had driven us each to seek out a safe haven, even if it were in our own minds. When Vivian died we both suffered from an event that we didn’t understand and couldn’t cope with alone, and mom made that clear to both of us. He needed me and I needed him if we had any hope of recapturing everything we had cast aside. There is no doubt that my mother was the catalyst that brought us together, and the reasons why were as plain as day once she mentioned them. My mother didn’t want me to be a girl, but she was able to find a way to accept it, then she had managed to help all of us overcome the draught of mutual support that we all craved, creating a closer knit family. The trauma that drove us apart, an event that happened long ago, had been talked about at great length, and I came to understand my fathers ability to accept Vivian as his sister. The tragic and terrible day that catapulted my father, Vivian, and everyone else around them had changed their lives forever, and for me to say that I wanted to be a girl only brought all that back again. It was hard, but my father and I found a way, and traded in our self induced focus on our own problems for a relationship that did not rely on what we were, but who we were. The trip was rocky and harsh, filled with pitfalls and danger, yet I had been the trigger that set it all in motion.

I was a boy that always wanted to become a woman, driven by forces I couldn’t control any more than I could control the weather, first being driven to dress up, then later getting caught, which had driven a schism between us. Yet after the turmoil, together we had returned to once again be a family. My father has taken over his role as my father in the only way he knew; he fixed things around the house for me, being rewarded only with a hug and a kiss as I became determined to be the daughter I always wanted to be. To say that we are the dream family wouldn’t be right, were probably just a normal family that dealt with a crisis and came out on top. I knew that dad’s viewpoint about me was changing when he met a young man that had asked me out; he tried playing twenty questions with Mike, as if I were some precious jewel to be protected! Mom stopped him, but that’s when I knew that both dad and I had arrived. He was my father and I was his daughter.

 

 

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© 2001 by Janet Stickney. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.
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