Too Cute                               by: Rachel Ann Cooper         © 1998

 

Martin had done his best to be a jock in high school. He tried track and field but was too small for most events, legs too short for running fast, not tall enough to throw the javelin, hands too small to hold a ball any bigger than a softball, too weak to throw the shot put and too chicken to try the pole vault. About all he succeeded at was swimming. He was a pretty fair free style swimmer having a slender build that slid though the water and a rather amazing amount of stamina for his size. He actually earned a letter in his junior year. Up until that time, he had one date, a girl named Lisa who had taken a shine to him after watching him in a few meets. She was a senior and quite attractive. He had no idea what she saw in him but was delighted she had asked him out. Yes, she asked HIM!

Unfortunately for Marty, as he was called, his letter didn’t improve his prowess with the ladies. If the truth be known, he was more interested in reading and sculpture and computers than he was girls. He dated Lisa a few times but nothing came of it in any serious way, nothing steady or earth shaking. He was much too shy to even try to kiss her unless she took the lead, which she did a couple times on her porch steps. She was a year ahead of him and went on to college as he began his senior year. Why she was interested in a younger boy was a mystery. Perhaps she saw something special in him. Marty was a straight A student and headed for several scholarships, a fact his parents were quite happy about.

He really had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, however, and having spent a lot of his life in various libraries, thought he might take up library science in college. The idea of being responsible for a large library appealed to him. It was a quiet, reclusive existence and he rather liked the idea of dealing with mostly books and administration rather that people. His people skills were not good and what made that even worse was his appearance. Not only was Marty small, he was well, not exactly what you would call handsome but actually quite attractive, at least he would be if he were a girl. Having a lush head of auburn hair, high cheekbones, small features with a rather petite upturned nose and a rather rounded forehead as opposed to the average male’s slightly prominent brow, he could easily have an identity crisis under the right circumstances.

He lost track of Lisa as she had chosen an out of state school. It was February of his senior year and sure enough, Marty began getting bids from several colleges and universities. Because of his interest in library science, he wanted to go to a large school, one that had to have a huge library system on campus where he could intern and so chose one of the big ten. Which one is unimportant but it was in the northeast and a thousand miles from home. He’d only be able to get home for Christmas and spring break during the school year even though his job at the local ice cream shop had provided him with a decent car.

As he began his freshman year he was rushed by several fraternities that wanted his grade point average to uplift their house jock’s low ones and also was rushed by a couple of the nerdy ones. Neither one really appealed to him but he was flattered by being rushed by Sigma X (can’t reveal their name) and ended up joining although he preferred to live in the dorm rather than the frat house. After seeing the kind of parties they threw, he knew he wasn’t going to maintain his high marks if he lived with those animals.

His roommate was into computers also, so at least they had that in common but not much else. Brian was a bit on the boisterous side and less of a serious student. He was somewhat larger than Marty and maybe outweighed him by 30 pounds. By comparison to Marty, Brian was just an average guy. However, it was Brian who managed to always find a date when he needed one and again, Marty was relegated to his interest in the swimming team, studies and hobbies. He liked girls well enough and sat with several in the coffee shop in the student union but their relationship was just friendly. He remembered Lisa fondly and wished he could meet someone like her here. She was understanding, perhaps even protective of him in a peculiar way. They could talk about almost anything and he always felt comfortable around her. All he remembered was that she was going into biochemistry, wanted to work with fertility chemicals of something like that. She had taken advantage of a scholarship as well but he didn’t really know where she had chosen to go.

He didn’t that is until his junior year. For whatever reason, he never saw her over summer vacations but one day as he was walking across campus, there she was, dressed in an above knee tight black skirt and a light blue cardigan sweater and coming right at him. Yes, it WAS Lisa and she apparently was there at the same school all this time and he didn’t even know it. With all the girls he had met at frat parties he wondered why he had never run across her before. Of course, on reconsidering, he realized that with a campus population of over 40 thousand students both full and part time, it was more understandable. She must be a senior now, getting ready to graduate. Their eyes met (you know the cliche)[they actually did, as they were both 5'5" tall] as they were about ten feet apart and both stopped dead on the sidewalk. "Lisa, is that really you, he asked hopefully?" "Marty! I can’t believe it. How long have you been here?"

"Ever since my freshman year. I joined Sigma X and got on the swim team. I guess you don’t go to swim meets anymore." "Well, no. I sort of lost interest when my favorite swimmer left town," she said teasingly. "Marty, you are just as cute as I remember you. In fact I think you’re even prettier than I remembered." "Aw, cut it out Lisa. I get kidded enough by the guys on the swim team and at the frat house. One smart ass even asked me to be his date for a party. Said I had a cute face and figure."

"Well honey, you should have done it and blown him away. Do you think there may be something wrong with your hormones or something? You’re almost too cute for pants and that SHAPE! I think he was right!"

"I don’t know. Maybe. Let’s just say I know I’m not exactly a regular guy. I’ve never had a wet dream in my life." "Come on. Let’s go somewhere and catch up. What are you taking in school?" "Library science," he replied. "Really? So you’re going to be a librarian. I never heard of a boy taking that before. I’ll bet there are a lot of cute girls in your classes."

"Not really Lisa. You’re a lot prettier than any of them as far as I’m concerned and I can’t talk to them the way we talk. Did you pursue your chemistry?" "Oh yes and I’m doing pretty well at it too. Well enough that my prof wants me to stay on and go for my Masters next year. My major is biochemistry with a minor in human sexuality." "Well, that’s great. Then you’ll still be here for my senior year. Are you uh...going steady or anything?" "As busy as I am, I’m lucky to squeeze in one date a month, that is if someone asks me. Well, it’s not that I don’t get asked out, but a girl has to be careful who she dates on a big campus like this. Date rape and all, you know?"

They walked and talked and ended up just sitting on a bench in a park like area where they could be relatively alone. There, they really caught up on each other’s lives. Marty didn’t have much to say about his except to expand on what he’d initially told her as they walked. Lisa, on the other hand was quite animated about all of her studies and what she had been doing in school and over summers. It hadn’t taken long. It was less than an hour and already that special bond that she felt for him had returned, and his for her. She had discovered a new best friend.

"Marty, would you like to like, take me out sometimes?" "Are you kidding Lisa? I’d love it. I really enjoy being with you and I’d be proud just to be seen with you. Heaven knows my image could stand it." Just then, he stood up as they had to get to another class. His posture was very erect and Lisa noticed he had little lumps in his shirt even though he was so slender. "Marty, I hope you won’t think me forward or unkind but I’m concerned about you. When you got up, you, well...you jiggled." "Oh yeah, THAT! I guess I’m pretty soft even with all the exercise I get. I know it’s pretty weird but I’ve gotten used to it and most of the guys have too. Not all, but most. It’s really strange, but sometimes I’ll look up and see a guy looking at me like...well...like he’d look at YOU because you are so pretty and it really unnerves me. I’m not gay but I’m betting that they are looking at me as a sex object. What a strange feeling. How do you stand it?" "It just goes with the territory sweetie. If you’ve got a decent bod or a cute face like you do, most guys want to bed you.

That’s why I don’t date much Marty. I’m saving myself for Mr. Right. SAY, why don’t we go to that dance together next Saturday. I need a break and it would give me an excuse to get dressed up for a change." "Sure, Lisa. I’m not a very good dancer but I’ll take you." "I don’t need ‘taken’ Marty. It will just give me a reason to be with you. Haven’t you figured out yet that I really like you? And while I’m on the subject, how about wearing some slacks and a top that really fit you instead of those baggy things."

"Lisa, I wear these things so my shape doesn’t show." "Exactly. You have a shape and I want to see you in something a little sexier, dollface. Something just tight enough and revealing. I just know there is a really nice looking bod in there somewhere and I want to see it." "I don’t really have anything like that." "Well then, let’s go shopping. You never seemed to mind when I hauled you to the mall." "OK. But understand, I’m just doing this for YOU."

Just then, she reached up and ran her hand across his jaw in a rather tender gesture. "Marty, you don’t shave! You’re 21 and you don’t shave! No wonder you’re so cute. There is something going on here and, with your permission, of course, I’d like to get to the bottom of it.

Would you mind stopping by the lab about 4 today? It’s room 323A."

"No but why?" "I want to take a blood and DNA sample and run some tests. I think you might be a candidate for my Master’s thesis. Just a suspicion but I’d really appreciate it." "Sure, anything I can do to help." "Great. Let’s get to class." As they walked off together, Lisa took his hand in hers and as she did so, they both glanced at one another. As their eyes met, there was a flash of ...I don’t know, call it passion, compassion, understanding, love. Who knows? At this point, Marty was a little confused and he was about to become even more so.

Marty showed up as requested promptly at 4PM at the lab. "Hi hon. Just have a seat. I have to get a couple more vials." ‘Hon? Where did that come from and considering her remarks, what’s the sexual venue? Oh, well. What difference does it really make?’ "Alright, you can either roll up your sleeve or take off the shirt. On second thought, take off the shirt." Again, I did as requested with some trepidation, I might add. "How much do you weigh Marty?" "130, I think. Am I overweight?"

"Oh no. They...uh...you look just fine. I guess 130 is fine for a guy that’s 5'5" tall. A little heavy for a girl maybe, but fine for a guy. My, you do have a good start, don’t you?" "Just take the darn blood will you and stop ogling my boobs. I can’t help the way I’m built any more than you can." "Point well taken, Marty."

"But are you still sort of...celibate?" "Meaning am I still a virgin? Yes, dammit and likely to stay that way" replied Marty. "Nothing seems to get this thing ‘bothered’ although I do get flushed sometimes and I get a feeling like something is going on when I’m in the shower washing my...chest, but nothing ever is." Lisa was finished drawing the blood and then said, "with all those chicks around the frat house and you never get turned on?"

"Now you’re embarrassing me." "Like how Marty?" "Like I just like looking at them is all." "I think you’re being a little obtuse Marty. You mean you like looking at their packaging? Their hair, makeup, clothes, shoes, mannerisms or what’s under it, the breasts and bottom and the ‘mystery zone’? Does looking at them make you ever wonder what this rather unusual body of yours might look like treated in a similar fashion?" "Well, I’ve never done anything like that Lisa but...yes, I suppose a thought like that has crossed my mind. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror when I’m naked and just wonder what planet I came from and sometimes that’s when I get the strange sensations too."

"Well, Marty, for your information, a body like yours is called ‘androgynous’ and there are a lot of them out there. It would seem, however, that yours is a little harder to hide. You are short waisted and long legged and you are definitely round sweetie. Very pleasantly round with a nice start on a bosom." "You mean, like a girl." "Of course like a girl. I TOLD you that you were even prettier than I remembered you. That wasn’t a jibe. It was a compliment. I think you’re the most beautiful boy I’ve ever met." "And what if I don’t WANT to be ‘beautiful?" "We’ll see what the blood tests tell us. Mother nature plays all sorts of little games with us in and out of the womb. This will take a day or two. I want to cover all the bases. It could be really important to you and to me."

Before the blood tests were back, it was time for our dance date. I wore my best suit, again taking note at how poorly the pants fit, tight in the hips and loose at the waist. I never let her get me to the mall. At least the coat made me look sort of straight up and down instead of curvy. Well, what could I do? I drove over to Lisa’s building about three blocks away as we had planned to go for refreshments afterwards. She was waiting in the lobby and she was a vision. I remembered that she had said she wanted an excuse to get dolled up and she certainly did. Her hair was done in a French braid and tied off with a ribbon matching her red jersey sheath dress that ended mid thigh. She had on a black patent belt and heels to match, just two inch ones but that still made her two inches taller than me. "You look great Lisa." "So do you Marty. That’s a nice suit. Those shoes! They look like girls gillie loafers. Are they?"

"To be honest Lisa, my feet are so small and narrow, unless I pay a lot of money for shoes, I can’t find men’s to fit me any more. They tell me I have a high arch and a low instep and I only take a 7 ½ in a women’s shoe which I can get at almost anywhere very cheap so that’s what I do. That’s how I buy my sneakers and hiking boots too. I’ve never bought any really feminine ones though. Not that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. Girls shoes are so light weight and pretty. You’re the first person that’s ever noticed." "Maybe just the first to say something?" "Yeah, maybe! I hadn’t considered that but I suppose I should have." "Well, said Lisa, let’s get a wiggle on and have some fun." So we drove to the hall where all the plays and programs were held as well as these campus wide dances. There must have 400 people there if there was one.

There were lots of stags there, both male and female and I was eager to show off Lisa to my team mates and prove to them that I wasn’t as odd as they seemed to think. We danced all over the floor and sure enough I made sure that we danced past several of them. Little did I know what two of them were saying as all conversation was drowned out by the music. "Well, would you look at that! SHE has a date with a girl and a pretty one at that. I never thought I’d see the day. Could we be wrong about MARYANN (giggle)?"

I’m glad I didn’t hear that. It’s bad enough I heard about it through the grape vine. I was having enough problems with my self image as it was. We had a nice time but left early. Lisa didn’t seem to want to mingle and no girls were running after me for a dance anyway. We went to a local student hangout, a combination pizza/beer/wine parlor and had our refreshments. "I guess I was a little inconsiderate Marty. I shouldn’t have worn heels." "No Lisa. You wanted to dress up and you look great. It’s hard for me NOT to be shorter than girls. A LOT of them are taller than me WITHOUT heels. I’ve gotten used to it. All the guys I know are taller. I’ve been seeing things from your prospective as long as you have."

"Well, I think it was still inconsiderate of me. At least I could have brought a pair of 3" ones along for you so you’d be taller." "Now cut that OUT. I’m not really effeminate am I?" "Just enough to make you interesting hon." "Really? Noticeably?" "Only to someone like me who looks for those things. Remember my minor is human sexuality. I study people all the time. It’s just very minor little things most people would never see, not even most girls." "But SOME would?" "Yes."

"Mostly, the differences between men and women are artificial anyway. Oh sure, the secondary sexual characteristics are different but other than that, it all depends on what culture you live in. In some countries the men wear the long skirts and the women wear the short ones. Men used to wear lipstick and stuff and frilly clothes too and could again but that would ruin their dominant position in this society. A man invented high heels and men decide what is feminine behavior. They relegate all those feelings and actions to US so they don’t have to deal with them in themselves. Oh sure, our hormones affect us but men in this culture want women to be dependent on them. They want to control us and the world and for the most part, they get away with it. On the other hand, I LIKE being a girl and wouldn’t trade it for the world. I can do anything, be anything and dress like anything I want while men are stuck with their patriarchal role, refusing to even acknowledge the feminine side of their psyches. You, however, may find yourself with some choices on Monday. I can’t wait to find out if I’m right!"

"Choices? Right about what?" "Let’s keep it light tonight, alright? We can get into that on Monday." "OK. Just asking." I took Lisa back to her dorm and gave her a proper peck. She responded by draping her arms over my narrow shoulders and giving me a short but definite kiss right on the lips. Of course, she had to bend down to do it. "Thanks Marty. Call me early Monday. I’ll be in the lab from 10 to 12." "343A." "Right." "OK. Goodnight." And so ended my first ‘date’ with Lisa. If ever a boy had a girlfriend, this girl was a friend. Except for her puns about my masculinity, or lack of it, we got along fine. Actually, I’m not really sure that I’ve been all that offended by her remarks considering the status of my mind and body. She certainly has gotten my curiosity up though.

I went to church on Sunday but had a hard time keeping my mind on the sermon. What was worse, after my conversation with Lisa, I now noticed my singing voice was that of an alto, not a tenor as I had imagined. I could never go as low as they do. Oh, boy. What next? I hope Lisa has some good news for me tomorrow. I went back to the dorm and spent the rest of the day studying and after dinner, finally vegged out for a while and watched some TV with Brian and went to bed.

My first class was from 9 to 10 so I only had from 11 to 12 to call Lisa.

When I did, she sounded quite exited. "Marty, you just aren’t going to believe what I’ve found and I don’t know how you are going to react to it but it’s really astounding news. When can I meet with you?" "My next class starts at 1PM." "Hotfoot it over here. You have some thinking to do and so do I. I would definitely like to do my thesis on you, with your permission, of course." "I never thought of myself as that interesting."

"Believe me, you are. Come now."

"Hi, Marty. PLEASE tell me you will let me do my thesis on you." "Gee, if it means THAT much to you, sure. What’s up?" "Everything. It appears you are unique in the annals of medical history. First of all, you have irreversible azoospermia." "What in the world is that?" "You have seminal fluid but you make no sperm at all." "I can never make a baby?"

"Never." "Wow. Is there MORE?" "Oh, yes. You also have bilateral gynecomastia but it’s just a mild case." "And THAT?" "The reason for your soft chest and large, soft areola." "Anything ELSE?" "I’m afraid so. You also have three Xs in front of your Y chromosome instead of just one. They call it Klinefelter’s Syndrome." "And THAT?" "Well, not much of anything except that the blood in your body is screaming "girl" while you seem to have developed a penis in the womb." "My GAWD! Is that all of it?" "No, your testicles are fine but you’ve also got a perfect set of ovaries. The ovaries are producing normal quantities of estrogen for a woman except that your functioning testes counteracted their function so that you did not really develop your breasts and butt normally." "Wait a minute! Do I understand you right? Are you telling me that I’m a girl just waiting to happen?" "Well, that’s really an extreme over simplification but essentially, yes. I’m not totally sure you have a uterus yet but that’s easy enough to find out. At some critical point, things went haywire. If you were castrated, you would immediately continue with your girl puberty and develop completely as a female."

It was at this point that I had to find a chair quickly. All the energy was gone and my head was spinning. I felt faint. I knew I was a little ‘different’ but THIS? This I was not ready for at all. After I recovered somewhat after she had given me some water I said, "so, what’s next?

What choices do I have and what do you want to do about your thesis?" "Well, you do have some choices now, as I’ve explained. We also should send you in for some low power soft tissue x-rays of your lower abdomen. There may be more there than just ovaries. You can take that sleek little body of yours and let it become all girl or stay where you are. You will never look any better as a male than you do now and on the other hand, I think you’d make a real babe as a girl. I’m sort of hoping you choose ‘babe’ because then I can monitor your progress as part of my thesis. That’s about it." "I guess this means I won’t be taking you to many dances after this." "We’ll see. I’ve never minded being seen in the presence of a beautiful girl before."

"Well, that’s ENOUGH, isn’t it?" "I’m really sorry Marty. If you hadn’t brought out the scientist in me, this never would have happened. But then, you’d never know the ‘why’ of that body of yours and why it and your mind are so androgynous. I never meant to ruin your life. I’m sorry." Tears began to well up in Lisa’s eyes and I felt really sorry for her. She was just being herself and that led to some fascinating discoveries about MY self. What now?

"Lisa, I need to think about this a while. Give me a couple days, will you?" "Take all the time you need Marty. This is a big decision." With that, I left for class with my mind a thousand miles away and reeling from this news. I wasn’t going to be much of a student again until I made up my mind. All kinds of things began racing around in there. Questions. Hundreds of them. I’ll just hit the highlights.

What if it turned out I had other internal female organs? Was I a partial or complete hermaphrodite? With my new knowledge, I was no longer uptight about my body being the way it was. There were good reasons, but what about my parents? How were they going to take the news that their son was mostly their daughter? How and when would I transition from male to female? Could I really do it? Did I really WANT to do it? Did I really want to be a ‘babe’, as Lisa put it? Could I deal with the clothing and the thinking processes of a young woman, men? How was I going to feel about men and dating? Would I go all the way and have surgery to correct nature’s mistakes? All of the above and more were swirling though my mind at such a pace I was dizzy from it. I had a new appreciation for the terms mental confusion and indecision. Geeze! What was I going to DO?

Unfinished

© 1998
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