For those of us that have suffered the pain and anguish of trying to avoid what we know is true. Failing, and then succumbing to it, when the night is darkest, the tears are flowing, and you find no solace in that cute red dress you have on, think of the joy your family, friends, children and God bring you. If we let our devotion to our needs surpass them, we will have failed both them, and ourselves. They are our strength. Many of the descriptions below are from my own wretched road to understanding myself, and now, at last, peace. The shame, embarrassment, humiliation, and confusion are familiar to me, as maybe they are to you. I know they are weak descriptions, but trying to describe the essence of our being is like trying to describe the color magenta to a blind man. If I may, I will borrow and corrupt a phrase:

Go in Peace, then Prosper.

 

The Job                                     by: Janet Stickney                     JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com

 

I'm sitting here in a dress, my hair in a ponytail, wearing full makeup, quivering as my parents and the shop owner decided my fate, and my future. I had broken into the dress shop, not to steal any money, but for some clothes that would fit me. Womens clothing. The silent alarm went off, and the police caught me just as I finished getting dressed. In one sense I was lucky. The older officer was a training sergeant for a young female officer; he was about the age of my dad, maybe a little older. He didn't laugh or make fun of me in any way, but the female officer giggled when she first saw me, then, when he gave her a nasty look, she immediately stopped, which gave me just a glimmer of hope. I wasn't handcuffed, but she sat facing me as the sergeant asked me my name, phone number and so on. He did not ask me why I broke in, it was obvious. He made a few calls, one to the owner of the shop, and at her insistence, my parents. After a brief discussion, I was allowed to stay, the sergeant came over and told me "it'll be okay son. Don't worry", then he and his partner left. It was ten minutes before my parents showed up. Ten very long minutes. The owner of the shop and I sat across from one another, just waiting, no words were spoken. Dad took one look at me and cringed, mom merely shook her head. Now I was waiting for them to decide my future, which I just knew was going to be simply horrendous. My mother kept looking at me, grimly silent, as dad and the owner of the store talked. Twice, both of them laughed, and I wondered what could be so funny. An hour later, still wearing those same clothes, I was taken home and told to stay in the familyroom, dressed, just like I was. Once I was at home, my parent's stood side by side as I was told by my dad what my punishment was going to be.

"Since you broke in simply to steal these clothes, it's only fitting that you get a chance to wear them. In the morning your mother will get you up and help you get ready for school. After school you will report to the shop you broke into so that you can work off your debt to the owner. Is that clear?" "Dad!" "No! You could have gone to jail, and it's only because of the good heart of Ms. Wilson that you aren't. This is not a discussion of 'should you', I'm telling you that you'll do it!" Dad moved away and then spun around to face me. "I can't even believe you broke into a shop, let alone do it to steal clothes and dress up as a girl!" His face changed color from a deep red to normal as he calmed down. "You are the one that wants to dress as a girl and that is exactly what you will do, and you will do so until your debts are paid. Understand?" It was very clear. I nodded my head yes and they left me to change and go to bed.

I'm 16, a junior in school now. My name is Andy, I stand about 5'7" tall and weigh maybe 135 pounds. In school I'm in the top five percent grade wise, President of the debate team, member of the Orators, and I can do most crossword puzzles easily. I had a reputation in other words. That was all going to be kicked in the face, and very soon. As I lay in bed trying to sleep it came to me all at once, and I knew they were going to dress me as a girl and send me to school that way! I sat up in bed, wondering if I should run away, but knew I could not. If I had any money I would have bought the clothes rather than break in for them. For years I had dreamed of dressing as a girl, wondering what it was like to be dressed in silk and satin, have the feel of nylon around my legs, wear high heels, makeup, and smell so nice. I had read the stories posted on the Internet, and thought I knew how to do it, create a girl that is. But I only had a desire. So… not having any money, I broke into that shop. It was stupid I know, and now I was going to pay dearly for that mistake. I was about to skewer myself on the point of my own stupidity.

In the morning mom came to my room prepared. As she set out what she brought to my room, I started to cry. I could feel the shame building inside, knowing I was going to be an outcast in just a few hours. Mom hugged me, then told me that when she was done I would look as good as any girl in the school. "I'm not sure this is the right thing to do Andy. But your father is right. If you wanted to dress as a girl bad enough to break into a store, especially just to get clothes, then you should at least try doing it right." It took mom almost two hours to get me ready, from hair removal with a smelly cream to setting my hair in rollers with a gel to makeup and nail tips. She gave me a pair of panties to wear, the same bra I had on the night before, which she padded with socks, and then pantyhose, the red and black pleated skirt I had on last night, the white blouse with the same short black heels. After she put red and gold earrings of hers in my ears and a thin gold chain around my neck, she gave me a spritz of her perfume. She handed me the bright red lipstick, and watched as I put the waxy red on my lips, then handed me a black purse. "Put your wallet and other things in your purse, along with the lipstick, and don't forget your books Andrea." I snapped a look at her when she said Andrea, and she told me that was the name I was going to use. I was ushered out of the house to walk the five blocks to the school. I stood on the porch, frozen in place, knowing I could not stay there, yet my feet refused to move. I saw my mother watching me from the window, and took my first step, then, one after another, until I reached the sidewalk. Looking back, mom was waving to me, no smile on her face.

I walked to the corner, turning right, to the next corner. As I walked, the sway of my skirt, the sensation of my nylon clad legs rubbing together and the taste of the makeup made me feel euphoric. It was my dream come true, yet the closer I got to the school, the worse my fears became, the bigger the frog in my throat grew, and the more scared I became. Especially when I had to stand at the corner with so many kids, waiting to cross the street, all of us converging on the school. I began to get desperate, looking for a way out of this mess and almost turned around and ran when I was pushed into the building by the crush of kids.

As they swarmed around me to get to their classes, I had no choice at all. I slowly walked to my class, acutely aware of each step, the sound of my heels clicking on the hard floors, growing louder with each step, my skirt seeming to grow shorter, exposing me for the fraud I was. My fear grew with each step, knowing I would be cast out, no longer someone to admire, or look up to. The scent of my perfume, gentle yet so feminine, followed me the entire way as my mind focused not on how I looked, but on what my growing fears were. I momentarily stopped at the doorway, only to be thrust inside by the others wanting to get in. There was only one vacant chair, mine. I sat in my regular seat just as the teacher walked in. The room fell silent as she, and the others, looked at me. "We have a new student I see. What is your name dear?" Name? My name was Andy, but if I said that it would be worse than terrible! I struggled to say the name mom told me, yet I was unable to speak. The teacher, Mrs. Roth saved me from that embarrassment. "Your mother called me at home last night, and told me that a new student would be here today. Class, this is Andrea Grant." I wanted to sink into the floor. Some of the kids started to giggle, but the rest, mostly the boys, stayed silent. I had to endure the stares and muttered comments until we were released for our next class. On the way to my first class, my best friend John asked me what the hell was going on. "I broke into a shop last night. This is the punishment, and no, I don't know how long I have to dress this way." By lunch time my reason for dressing as a girl was all through the school. I was branded a thief, then dressing as a girl, did not win me any friends and I lost most of the ones I did have. Everyone seemed to avoid me. It was like I wore a scarlet letter on my chest.

For the entire day I was on the very edge of terror, yet somehow, I began to forget about the skirt brushing my thighs, the tightness of the bra as it circled my chest, and my hair flicking at my ears. Tense? Yes. Afraid? Yes. Embarrassed? Yes. At lunch, to find some solace and peace, I sat alone, far to the rear of the room. As I tried to capture a few moments of solitude and privacy, only two students said anything to me, both girls. Kelly, a short pudgy brunette, and Heather, one of the prettiest girls in the school. "Hang in there Andy, it'll get better." Heather touched my hand and told me to hold my head up. "You look real nice Andrea. We all make mistakes and pay for it. This is a different kind of punishment, that's all. If you need anyone to talk to come see me or Kelly." "Thanks" I said, and as they walked away to join their friends, I felt the tear on my cheek. Someone had actually talked to me!

After school I walked to the dress shop and went in, not knowing what to expect, the small bell on the door a signal of my arrival. I stood in shame as she looked at me, my head hanging down. "There you are! And so pretty too! Come in the back dear, we have a few things to set straight." I followed her, then once we were in the back of the shop, she told me her name. "I'm Vera Wilson. Your parents and I have decided that letting you go to jail is not the best answer to our joint dilemma. Instead of that, you'll be working here in the shop with me. Every day after school until six, and all day Saturday. I'm not sure for how long yet, but certainly through the summer." She looked me over carefully, then handed me a bag. "Go back there, put these on, and return to the front of the shop." I took the bag, her words "certainly through the summer" ringing in my ears. Once I was alone I opened the bag and found a beige, padded pantybrief, and a pair of breastforms!

Once I had the pantybrief on, I put the breastforms in the bra and walked to the front of the store. The weight of the breastforms pulled on the straps of the bra, making me very aware of the way they bounced and felt. The color of them matched my skin tone so closely! Combined with my now wider hips, which made the skirt sway even more, they made me realize even more just how much I wanted to be a girl. "Now don't you look so much better!" I stood, silent as she looked at me, my head down, deep in shame. "You think this is cruel don't you?" I still hung my head in shame until she prodded me again. Softly, almost a whisper, she told me to look at her. "Well?" "Yes Ma'am. Hardly anybody will talk to me at school now!" Her voice did not change tone as she spoke. "You're the one that broke into the shop Andrea. If you had simply taken money you would be in jail right now. All you did was take some clothes so you could dress up as a girl." Her face softened a bit as she looked at the tears forming in my eyes. "If you do what I say, I think you will be surprised at what happens at your school." I waited, wondering just what she was getting at, wiping a tear away. "I'll bet that by the end of the week, if you let your mother and I help you, you'll look so good that the giggling will stop, and most of your friends will stop shunning you." Then she gave me the details of my punishment that dad did not tell me.

"Your parents and I have agreed that you will have to be dressed as a girl until your debt to me is paid off. After that you are free to go and do as you please. Until then you will dress, act, and be treated as a girl by all of us. Because you are an only child and cannot borrow things from a sister, and your mother is way to small and short for you to borrow her things, that means that you will need a completely new wardrobe of clothes, all your own. Together with your parents, I have agreed to make sure you have all of the outer clothing you need, at cost of course, but you will pay me back by working here in the shop. Your mother will buy you any undergarments you need. Since we sell a better brand of clothing here, with clientele that demands the best, I require you to be as feminine as possible at all times. That means I want your hair done every day, nails trim and clean, painted with a soft color of polish or clear, makeup of course, and no skirts above mid thigh and no low cut blouses. I will pay you the prevailing wage of course, but I will have to take back half to pay for the damages and to pay for the clothing you will need. Any questions?" "My parents agreed to this?!" "Of course. In fact, it was your father that insisted that you learn something from this. Since you were all dressed when we found you, the three of us decided it was the perfect punishment."

She showed me where everything was, and promptly at six mom showed up. Vera gave her a big bag, and she took me home. I sat across from dad at the table, waiting to find the courage to ask him why he put me in dresses instead of something else. "Have a nice day Andrea?" "It was terrible! Nobody talks to me and everybody stares or laughs at me! I hate it!" In very stern, father like tones, he said, "You might as well get used to it. Until you pay off your debt, you will dress as a girl, and if you continue to complain about it, I'm sure that your mother and I can find a way to make you not only dress this way, but look a lot worse. You will do as you are told until your debt is paid. Clear?" By the tone in his voice, dad only wanted one answer, and I gave it to him. "Clear." After dinner mom and I went to my room and hung up all of the clothes Vera had given her, and put away the things she had bought. "Basic math tells me that you'll be dressing until late summer, so this Sunday we'll change your room around to suit your new needs, and status."

There was no way out, so, as I sat on my bed, I decided that I might as well become an even better girl than they had anticipated, or demanded. My own desires had driven me to break into that store. My inner drive to become a female at least once in my life had escalated to this, yet in my heart, I knew the answer. The only answer. Not only was I going to become the best girl I could, I was going to have to quit fighting it. I would have to dress like it was an admission of my own desires, and the other kids in school would just have to learn to live with it, just like I was. I was only wearing the clothes, I didn't get stupid. I had to do my best. There was no other way, so I went to the closet and checked out the clothes, selecting a short pullover knit dress, black with a round neck and a flared skirt. Opening my dresser, I found a pile of plain cotton panties, three bras, some slips, pantyhose and a waist nipper. There were also two nightgowns. As I set out each item, it was with an eye to making myself look as feminine as possible. On the vanity in my bath sat a small but complete makeup kit, a set of rollers, curling iron and a blow dryer. Mom had been busy. I undressed, and when I got to the bra, I took it off and examined the breastforms. They were almost exactly the color of my skin, still warm from being next to my skin. On the dresser were the boxes they came in, so I opened one of them, saw the jar of adhesive, then read the instructions. It brought a smile to my face.

Twenty minutes later I had carefully attached them to my chest, smoothed out the seams where they hit my chest, and changed into a nightgown. Wrapping the diaphanous robe around myself, I looked in the mirror. The darker nipples were poking at the thin material, just a trace of color from my panties visible. I grabbed up the loose material and went to the familyroom. Dad saw me, choked a bit, but said nothing as I sat down. Mom told me to cover up and remained silent. Both of them had a grim look on their faces, and I feared I had screwed up somehow. Nothing more was said and I went to bed. In the morning I told mom I would try and manage by myself. I put on clean panties, then the padded pantybrief, the waist nipper, pantyhose, and a clean bra. I did my own makeup, just foundation and eyeliner. I brushed out my hair and slipped the dress over my head, struggling with the zipper up the back until I figured it out. I wore the same short black heels because those were the only shoes I had. Mom wanted to help, but I once again sent her away and put on the earrings, added a dash of perfume, and pink lipstick, then joined her at the breakfast table.

I clearly looked better, but I think it was because I had settled things in my own mind. I really didn't look better, I felt better. "You look very nice this morning." I cheerfully said "Thanks mom", ate breakfast, then left for school, walking the same five blocks, now standing straight up, afraid of course, but a lot more confident. Once again I had every eye on me, but it only lasted a few hours before that sort of thing quit. Some of the girls, the more perceptive ones, asked me if I had implants! "Those boobs bounce like the real thing Andrea. They have to be implants!" "You're wrong Kelly, they're not implants, but I like them anyway!" She walked off thinking I was crazy, but when Fred stopped me in the hallway, he was more direct. "You like this dressing as a chick don't you?" I had a lot of things to say come to my mind, but as an orator I had learned the art of the pause. I used that pause to try make light of my predicament and at the same time, a small admission. I wondered if he would get it. "Why do you ask Fred? Are you going to join me?" "Hell no! But you're starting to swish a little. If this is punishment, then why not just wear the dress? You don't need to wear makeup and perfume to dress like a girl!" "True, but wouldn't that make things worse? I would become a clown if I dressed that way. By doing it this way, at least I fit in." "It's scary Andy… Andrea, and you're making some of the guys nervous." "Why?" Fred did not answer me, walking away instead, leaving me to wonder what he meant by that!

That afternoon, when I had the chance, I told Vera what Fred had said, and she laughed at me! "You silly girl! Some of the boys are nervous because they are attracted to you! They know you're a boy, just like them, yet they are attracted to you. They look at you and just cannot understand how one of them, a boy, can look so darned good. You're very pretty Andrea. You just don't realize it yet, and they do." Shocked, at what she had told me, I went back to work. I vacuumed the carpets and helped unpack some new arrivals, then just before I left for home, Vera told me that the shop would be closed for the next two days, but to be there early on Saturday. I nodded my head yes, and left for home.

Dad asked me how my day went, and when I told him that Fred and a few others thought I was attractive, mom interrupted before he could say anything. I helped do the dishes and went to my room to do my homework. A few minutes later mom came in and shut the door. "I know, and you know, that you have accepted dressing as a girl, not for the punishment, but because you have, inside where it counts the most, always known that it was right for you." Mom was smarter than I thought! "If boys think you're attractive, eventually one of them will get up the nerve and ask you out, and then what?" I didn't know what I would do, so I shrugged my shoulders. "You'll go out with him Andrea because it would confirm your femininity."

Mom sat on the bed and held my hand. "Breaking into that shop was stupid. Making you dress like a girl, according to your father, will make you think twice about doing a burglary, or dressing up again. He doesn't know that he will not be seeing Andy again. I do." All at once I found myself crying like a baby as mom held me close to her chest, just as she did when I was a child. I knew in my heart she was right.

Some minutes went by, neither of us saying anything. "For a boy to break into a shop, just to dress as a girl, is extraordinary. To me it says that the boy wants to be a girl so bad that he will go to any lengths to become the girl he needs to be. If you let me help you I'll make sure that the girl you are now, turns into the woman you want to become. Smart, yet sexy. Demure but sure of herself. Loving, and at the same time firm." "Like you mom?" "Thank you Andrea. Better than me. You have the advantage of choice. I'm a female by accident of birth and never knew what it was like to be a man. You will have that advantage Andrea. You can be anything you want in life. You can use both the male and female inside of yourself. Just follow your heart." "Thanks mom."

I finished my homework, changed into a nightgown, and lay in bed. Everything mom had said was true. I did want to be just like her rather than dad. Admitting to her, but more to myself, that being a girl meant more to me than I could say, at least until now, lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. All at once the darkness of fear lifted away, and I saw the rainbow of possibilities. If I believed I was a girl, and did the very best I could to make it true, then the all of the rest would fall into place. So far I had tasted the bigotry of only one person, but I knew that what he had said lay close to the surface in many people, ready to smash my dream if I wasn't strong. As I drifted off to sleep, the words "they are attracted to you" hammered against my ego, bouncing from the anvil called fear.

As the week wore to a close and Saturday loomed, I gained confidence as my appearance became a normal sight, and my classmates started to talk to me again. Each day I dressed carefully, insisting on doing my own makeup and hair. I had to learn it anyway, so why not now, during all of the upheaval? On Friday I dared to wear a dress that had a slightly lower cut neckline. Just a hint of my breasts could be seen, but it was enough. The short green, navy and white skirt wrapped around me, held in place with a big pin. My white blouse had puffy sleeves that stopped in the middle of my upper arm. I had brushed my hair so that it fell straight down to my shoulders, held back on the sides with barrettes, and a soft red lipstick. I looked normal, like any teenage girl.

Just before school let out, Janet came up to me and told me that she was having a small party on Sunday at her house, and asked me to come! "I'm not going to let anyone bother you Andrea. Please come." "I'll call and let you know. Okay?" "Okay, but it's casual if you decide to come." She turned and walked away, leaving me in a quandary. She might be setting me up to be abused, no matter what she said. She could also be setting me up for one of my male classmates. Or, it was just a bunch of her friends getting together, and how I dressed didn't matter to them?

As soon as I got home mom said I needed some more things, and she drove us to the mall. Shoes were high on my list, and I got four more pairs. White heels, taupe, black, and white flats. "I have a surprise for you Andrea." Mom took my arm and steered me into a jewelry store. "The name is Grant, I left some items here two days ago." The clerk took her receipt and went in the back, returning with two small boxes. He set them on the counter, and I could hear my heart beating faster. He opened them, and I saw a ring in one, a cameo in the other. Mom pulled the ring out and handed it to me. "This was your Grandmothers. It has been handed down to the eldest girl in the family for generations. I had it sized for you. Put it on." I slipped the ring on my left hand, the index finger of course, and as it slipped into place, the small diamond glinted in the light, the surrounding red stones glowing. "I had your initials engraved on the back, right under mine" she said, as she handed me the other item. I held the cameo in my hand, the familiar face worn smooth from so many women in the family wearing it. I had seen my mother wear it many times. "Let me help you Andrea." Mom took it and fastened it around my neck, the cameo, so very old, now settled between my breasts.

"Mom, I..."

She paid the bill, smiling as she took my hand. "Those items go to the eldest girl in the family, usually on her debut in the summer of her 16^th year. I think you need them now." She squeezed my hand and told me take care of them. Unable to grasp the implications of what mom had just done, all I could do was smile and say thank you. "You should have a jewelry box of your own now, so why don't we find one you like." By the time we left the mall, I was laden with packages. On the way home mom asked me if I wanted to have my hair cut and styled, maybe some nails. I felt my eyes widen as she smiled at me. "I'll take that as a yes" she said, then pulled in at the salon she usually went to! We walked in together, the girl read off both of our names and we were each sent to a stylist. Mom had arranged this before we even left home! I had no idea at all about hair styles. I was still fumbling, trying to find a 'look' for myself each day as I did my own hair, so I couldn't offer the stylist any help at all. But she knew, right from the moment she saw me.

My hair is mouse brown, thick, and slightly wavy, shoulder length. "This is wonderful hair Andrea, but I'll have to cut quite a bit off to shape it. I also think we should add highlights and some curl to accent the natural wave. Okay?" What did I know? "Okay." Mom sat across the room, with her usual stylist and did not interfere in any way with my stylist. I had to sit under the dryer as the tint was drying, and that's when my nails were done. Acrylic extensions were added to make my normally thin nails stronger and longer. I watched as they were filed down to a rounded end, and painted a soft red. All at once my fingers looked longer, and thinner. By the time my stylist was done I had been there two hours, but it was worth it. My once long hair had been cut and now fell between my shoulders and the base of my head. Wavy on the sides, it framed my face while falling in curls down the back and the reddish highlights gave my hair a glow that was missing before. As I looked in the mirror, all at once, I knew why I was here.

Without any force, statement, or direction, mom had allowed me to find out for myself that I could actually become the girl I had dreamed about. She had taken me to the door of possibilities and let me see it. Then she quietly let me know that beyond that door lay the realm of possibilities, and that I had to be the one to open it, not with a push, but a kick. Everything is possible, the future has not been written. All I had to do was kick the door and go in. That's what I understood. As we left the salon, I kissed her on the cheek, a simple "thank you mom" all I said. Her enigmatic smile caressed her face and we went home, a mother, and now, a daughter.

"Janet invited me to a party on Sunday." "Then it's a good thing you got your hair done isn't it?" "I might not go." She said nothing until we pulled up in our driveway, then, "I want you to go to the party Andrea. If she invited you, she has a reason, and most likely it's not to make fun of you." "I'll think about it, and… thanks for today." In my room I put away my new shoes, the pink suit and the two dresses, set my jewelry box on the dresser, and put my few meager sets of earrings in it. At dinner, when I walked into the room, Dad sputtered a bit when he saw me. His eyes went from my sneakers, up my legs to my white shorts, clearly defining a feminine front, over the tight shell top to my breasts, my face, and then my hair. He saw that I had nice nails, a smile on my face, and his determination to make me dress like this, as punishment, died. I saw it on his face just like mom did, but it was she that spoke up.

"Andrea has become our daughter now. In our efforts to punish her, we let her become the girl she always was." He saw the small cameo and that very special ring, and knew that my mother had helped me make that decision. I sat there waiting as his mind swallowed the fact that his son, me, had given up manhood to become a woman. In his mind, women were subservient to males. In my mind I was equal, maybe even better than the average male. Like mom had told me, I had the advantage of being both male, and female, the clothing I wore doing nothing to diminish either my ability, nor my intelligence. I had it all now, and I wasn't about to concede it to a life long bias of my father. "Does this mean you will be dressing this way from now on?" I nodded my head yes, and his eyes narrowed. "You're not a girl, you're a boy!" "No." He looked at mom. "We might as well get this in the open once and for all. Andrea is here to stay. She is our daughter, still our child. I have talked to her and I believe this is right for her, and for us." Dad said nothing more, but his face was contorted in frustration, and his own fears.

On Saturday morning I was at the shop early. Vera complimented me on my hair, then told me we were going to start selling bridal and prom dresses. "It's a big market, and with six high schools in the area we should do a huge business." I was listening to her as I kept one eye on a customer. "I want you to model some of the dresses so I can have pictures taken to hang in the store." "Me!" "You wear a ten, which is the average size of the dresses we sell. Besides, I can hardly wait to see you in some of those bridal gowns." Still shocked that she wanted me to be her model, I went about my work without mentioning it. During a lull, I told her I was invited to a party the next day, saying I was told it was casual. "I have the perfect dress for you Andrea." She jumped up, coming back with what she called the perfect LBD. "LBD?" "Little Black Dress. Go try it on." I took it and slipped into the back. The dress was a chemise. Square cut neckline with two thin shoulder straps, it fit like it was made for me. The hem was at mid thigh. I saw Vera looking at me, smiling as she went back out front. I put it back in the bag and set it by my purse. Of course I would wear it!

In the morning I had mom help me with the hair removal cream again. Once I washed it off I sat in a bubblebath, scented of course, letting the oil in the water soak into my skin. As I dried off I looked in the mirror. From my waist up I looked like a girl. My hips were still skinny, and of course I had a major defect in my presentation of a female. Limp, it hung there mocking me, reminding me of my true status. I had read a story once where the heroine had used tape to hide her manhood, so I wrapped a robe around myself and went looking for tape. I found a roll of flesh colored wrapping and some medical tape, took them, and went back to my bedroom. Now all I had to do was manage to use it to look like a girl! It took me an hour, but I did it. I had pushed my testicles back into my body, using the wrapping from my waist through my groin and up the back, split, and with a wrap around my waist to hold it, and a small opening so I could pee. I had managed to make myself smooth in front.

I wore the best bra I had. It had demicups, lace trimmed with a front hook. As I sat at my small homemade vanity, I put on the foundation, then powder, brushing away the excess. I used soft green with gray and plum highlights, black eyeliner both over and under each eye, black mascara and peach blusher. I slipped the dress over my head, zipped it up and stepped into the black heels, put gold earrings on, the cameo around my neck and stood back. "Sexy" I thought. The red lipstick, then perfume. I grabbed the black purse, checked my hair which was fine, and went to find mom. She looked at me for a moment before she spoke. "Hunting?" "Of course not! This is just a party." "If you say so." "Can I use the car?" She found her keys and I was on my way.

Janet lived across town, in a nice, middle class neighborhood. I parked out front and walked to the door, hoping for the best, still fearing the worst. When Janet opened the door she squealed and hugged me! "You look fantastic!" I took her hand as I was introduced to her family… as Andrea of course, then she and I went out on the patio. There were seven other kids there. Four boys, and now with me, four girls. Janet handed me a soda and I sat at one of the tables, alone. Five minutes later Janet showed up with a boy. "Andrea, this is Stephen. He goes to school at St. Mikes. I've known him all my life, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't bite, but watch him anyway!"

I put on my best smile as Stephen sat down, and Janet left me alone with him! "Janet says that you're a very special girl. What makes you so special?" "I have a lot of friends." "I'll bet you do! Most of the male population at your school I'll bet." "Not really Stephen. I'm not special. Just… different." He was taller than I am in heels, with dark curly hair, coal black eyes and a wicked smile. Almost at once I liked him, and didn't want to hurt him. Looking at him, I dearly wanted to be a real girl, but my inner voice was yelling at me to tell him the truth. After all, it was hardly a secret now was it? "I'm special because I'm not a real girl. I will be some day, but not now." I let it hang there between us, waiting for him to politely leave me alone once again. "You're still very pretty Andrea. Janet told me she had someone for me to meet, and I'm very glad it's you." He sat back and looked at me. "Janet has been trying to set me up for years. I think I've met all of her friends so far, but none of them clicked with me." Looking like he does, I didn't think, and could not imagine, that he had any trouble finding a date, so I asked him why Janet was always setting him up.

"She doesn't like my choice of careers. I have always wanted to be a missionary." "What's wrong with that? It's good work." "I know that, but as soon as I mention it, all of those other girls drift away. All of my family are policemen, and they, and Janet, think that is almost the same thing and want me to be a cop." My mind instantly flew back to the sergeant that was so kind to me. "They might be right Stephen. I had a chance to meet a police sergeant not to long ago and he saved my life, literally." "You!" "What?" "You're the one my dad was talking about!" It was all I could do to keep my head up. "Dad said that you would be beautiful given time, and he was right!" He reached out and touched my hand and a shiver went up my back as something like an electric shock went through me. "Want to dance?" "Stephen I never…" He pulled me to my feet and into his arms. My breasts were pushing against him as we moved around the patio to the gentle, slow music.

Food was served and as we ate, Stephen sat next to me, Janet and Fred across from us. "You two looked very cozy while you were dancing." Janet was smiling at me when I felt his hand on my leg, a gentle squeeze on my thigh. "Andrea is pretty, and a good dancer. Why shouldn't we be good together?" Fred sat back, his arm touching Janet's shoulder. "Why don't you take her to the Prom? It's three weeks away and I know you don't have a date yet." "I agree. You two belong together!" Stephen looked at me with a question on his face. I nodded my head yes, watching him smile as I did. "This is great! Can you get a dress by then?" "Janet, I work in a dress shop! Of course I can get a dress!" Stephen and I exchanged numbers, danced several more times, and at around seven I went home.

Dad motioned to me as soon as I walked in the house and I sat across from him. "This is true? When your debt is paid you are going to continue to dress as a girl?" "Yes dad. Thanks to you I have discovered what I always knew. I met someone today and he's taking me to the Prom. My friends have accepted me the way I am, and I'm happier than ever before. I just can't go back to the way I was before." I had hoped that going to the Prom would have slipped by, but he caught it. "You have a date for the Prom!? What have you done! You're not a girl!" "He knew that before he asked me Dad, and I'm going!" This conversation was rapidly getting out of hand and I stood up. "Sit down!" "Dad. Listen to me. I am what I am. Nothing more, nothing less. I am a girl, inside where it counts, and I'm not going to deny that anymore. You didn't make me this way, I was always this way. I've known for years that I wanted to be a girl and now I am. You can't make it go away, change it or anything else. You can make me wear male clothes, but I promise you that I'll be back in a dress the minute I turn 18." I spun on my tiny heels and went to my room, unsure of what he was going to do.

Two minutes later mom was in my room. "Your father doesn't understand Andrea. No matter how he looks at it, he just doesn't get it, and he doesn't have a shred of a clue." "He hates me mom!" "No. He's scared for you, and confused. Give him some time." "Every time he looks at me I feel like he's undressing me mom!" "He might be. He's trying to figure out how you can be so pretty. Your father isn't stupid Andrea, but he comes from a place where boys are boys and girls are girls, and there isn't any confusion about it, and now, you've raised his confusion bar to high for him. He wants me to change back mom, and I won't. Not now, not after I finally figured it out!" "I know dear."

Mom helped me get undressed, then, as I pulled on my nightgown, she asked me about Stephen. I described him, telling her how Janet set it up, and that the police sergeant that caught me was his father. "Small world isn't it?" I was stepping into my slippers when she told me I should talk to dad. "He loves you and you know it, and having you wear dresses is entirely different than dating. You hurt him down there, on purpose I think, and that was wrong." I stood there as mom took my hand and told me to go back and talk to him. "It will do you both some good Andrea." Facing Dad again so soon was going to be hard, very hard.

I was wearing a floor length flannel nightgown, almost the least sexy thing I owned when I walked into see dad. He looked at me as I stood there, until I went to him, then sat on his lap. His arms went around me and I let my head fall to lay against his. "I've been married for 22 years and I still don't know the first thing about women. Now, all at once, you want me to instantly understand you!" "It's easy dad. I'm the same person. I like the same things, like hockey and tennis. All I want is for you to treat me the same. I dress differently now, but that doesn't change anything… does it?" His face never changed, but his arm around me seemed a bit tighter. "You'll have new rules, and you'll follow them. No dates unless I meet the boy. No really short dresses, and you'll start cleaning the house with your mother." He had conceded to the obvious! Not all the way, but enough for me. I kissed him on the cheek and stood up. "I want to meet this Stephen before the Prom Andrea." I went back to my room, elated, and scared. I had made a commitment that I now had to live up to. Could I find the strength to do it?

From that moment on, I was Andrea, but with a birth defect. I selected my dress for the Prom and Vera altered it to fit. Stephen and dad hit it off right away, and my friends drifted back to me. The Friday before the Prom I had to deliver a speech in Oratory. For my subject I chose myself. Wouldn't you? As the class listened, they heard my fears and anguish come to life, felt the emotional roller coaster I had been on as I described it to them in detail, my fathers denial of my reality, and then, the resulting acceptance. They fell silent as I told them the entire story, including the bigotry and bias I felt every time I set foot in school. How I came to understand that I really was a girl, but with a defect. My defect didn't make me stupid, or flighty, or even less of a person. It simply existed. When I concluded, and sat down the room was like a tomb in its silence. I wondered if I had gone too far.

Fred, the one that confronted me that first day, telling me I was starting to swish, stood up, walked over to me, took my hand in his and pulled me to my feet. "This is my friend. Her name is Andrea." The entire room erupted in clapping and yelling, and I became speechless. As I stood there, all of the students came and hugged me or shook my hand. The teacher was on the phone as I left the room. I left for my next class, unaware of the impact I had that day, with so few words.

The next morning mom and I had our hair done, my nails were touched up, and we stopped by the shop so I could try on, and pick up my dress. I had the shoes and jewelry at home, so when we arrived, I set about making myself beautiful. Most men do not know that women plan a date like this as if it were D Day, and I was no exception. I made sure I had everything, then sank into the bubblebath. I had bought white satin panties and a corselet, and put them on. As I pulled the laces tight and my waist shrank, I smiled to myself. This one garment was the epitome of being feminine. Men liked us to wear them, but had no use for them other than for us to wear them and drive their fantasies. The white satin and pink lace garment held me in place, pushing my own breasts up, together, and out. Wearing the corselet during the times I had tried on the dress, I found that my own flesh had been pushed up and I almost filled the cups, so, using small foam pads I completed filling the cups. The result was I had my own breasts now. They were small, but all mine. My hose were nude and I clipped them to the garter tabs, pulling out the slack. I called mom and she helped me get the dress over my head and smoothed it out, zipping it up. It was a sheath, all white with clear sequins on it. Low cut, with a back that was barely above my corselet, a hem that was just above my knees, and shimmering the way it does, I knew I had it all now.

Stephen was impressive in his tuxedo, and Dad took some pictures of us before we left. As we walked into the hall all eyes fell on us and the lights went dark. Suddenly a small spotlight clicked on, centering on us. From the dark came a voice that I knew. "Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you my friend Andrea Michael Grant and her escort Stephen James Banks." Applause broke out as the lights went back on. As we looked around, we saw that everyone was standing! Janet walked up to us with Fred. "Come with us please." We followed them to the front of the assembly and were seated at the head table. Fred and Janet climbed the stairs to the microphone and as the group fell silent, he started to speak.

"My friends. We have had the privilege of watching a birth, not of a baby, but a woman. Our friend and classmate braved the laughter and snide remarks, the loneliness and despair none of us have ever had to face. Even I was confused at first. I'm going to play a tape that I want all of you to listen to very carefully. Listen, and be proud." His hand found the button and my voice filled the hall, clear as a bell. It was my speech from my Oratory class! Once again I had to relive the torment of those days as I groped to find my way. Nobody made a sound as my voice, sometime sounding angry, sometimes pleading, sometimes emotional, described what was happening to me. It lasted for 22 minutes. 22 minutes of poised calm on my part, covering a nervous twitch I was beginning to feel. As the tape ended and Fred once again stood at the mike, the room stood silent. "Any questions?"

The room, at first silent, erupted in applause and Stephen took my hand in his. He walked me to the center of the room, and as the music started, he pulled me close and held me tight. "That went well I think." I was unable to speak. "They understand you better now. Relax and enjoy the night." I felt his warm breath on my neck, his hand firm on my back and knew he was right. That night, for the first time, I kissed another male, and it wasn't wrong at all. Stephen had helped me complete my journey with that kiss. That night and forever after I will remember that kiss. My acceptance by my friends was wonderful, but when his lips gently pressed against mine for the first time, I had become the woman I wanted to be.

How does this all end? I don't know. I still work at the shop, my pictures all over the place as I pose in wedding dresses. Dad has become protective, almost smothering lately, and mom certainly likes having a daughter. My doctor has also helped me a lot, and by the time I graduate I'll have hips and boobs of my own. This adventure did not start with that break in. It started long ago in my mind; the moment I thought about myself dressed as a girl. All I did was admit it, then walk through that door into the realm of possibilities.

(the end)

 

 

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