Their Worst Nightmare – My Dream Come True

by Allison M

 

I live in sunny Queensland Australia, there's only 3 types of weather here, Hot and Dry, Hot and Humid, and Thunderstorms - which usually brings severe floods or tennis ball size hail or both! At least at home in the Gold Coast Hinterland the first two aren't so bad, it stays fairly cool in the mountains, thick fog and a little ice is fairly common, we even got a little snow one winter, not much but then snow just doesn't happen in these parts so it was like a blizzard to me. Most of the time though winter is just cold enough to make you want to stay in bed, but then isn't it always? The worst part was that I had to get up at 6am and walk to the end of the street to catch the bus to school, that 15 minute walk felt like hours in the winter - I could have caught the late bus but that would have meant catching the late bus home, and I really didn't like hanging around school for an hour at the end of the day. Then when we did get to school which was about an hours bus ride away, off the mountain, there was generally no sign of it being winter, it was hot!

The bus ride was the usual school bus affair, kids being kids, geeks at the front, seniors and the popular kids at the back, just like any school bus the world over. I usually sat 3 seats back on the right, not far enough forward to be a geek or nerd, not far enough back to be popular. I hung around with Jason and usually saved him a seat, he was the only kid on the bus smaller than me, but was an absolute nutter which made the bus trip a bit more bearable. Julie and Chantelle sat across from us, the four of us usually sat together at lunch too, unless Jason was sick, which wasn't unusual.

Jason and I were the scruffy ones in school, wearing second hand uniforms, not that it was much different out of school, we were the poorest kids and generally got picked on because of it, so we learned to stick together, our shared auburn hair colour and similar size often lead people to think we were brothers, although he was slimmer than me, yours truly being a little rounder in the belly. As I said before Jason was the loud, energetic one, an absolute nutter, how anyone can be in such an excitable mood at 6am I don't know, but that's Jason. Julie was the mature one and from a more well off family, she was a real stunner with here long blond hair and blue eyes, but also had this air of grace about her that just oozed inner beauty, she'd only moved to the mountain this year, but it was like we knew her all our lives, sounds corny I know but she just had this knack of making you feel comfortable, safe, and want to tell her all your secrets, needless to say she knew most of us better than anyone, perhaps better then we would have liked, but she'd never tell a soul so we didn't mind. Chantelle was a bit of a female Jason, though not as crude as he was at times, she had that 'girl next door' look, shoulder length brown hair and hazel eyes with a few freckles, she just had that natural sort of homely look that made you feel at ease around her, even if she was a bit on the mad side at times. We were all in grade 8 at this time, the first year of high school.

The bus ride was fairly tedious really, it was a steep road off the mountain, and you could barely hear yourself over the sound of the bus' brakes, let alone anyone else. Then it was a short trip through a fairly dark valley before going over a small range then out to the highway and on to school. There were several flood ways in the valley, so if it rained heavily the locals would call the bus company and we'd get a day off, maybe 2 if we were lucky. One of the bus drivers, usually old Greg, would drive around the bus stops, shouting out his window to anyone who was there to "go home ya silly buggers." He was a nice old guy in his mid fifties I suppose, he'd usually put the radio on in the bus if he was driving, usually teasing us by putting it on some 50's station like 4KQ before turning it to Triple M or B105 or something more appreciated by a bus load of teens.

School was your typical Aussie high school, all the buildings were single story, spread out around the grounds with a sort of picnic area in the middle which aside from the grass being cut was exactly as it was before the school was built, so it was natural and cosy, and we'd even seen some koalas in the gum trees a couple of times. There was nothing special about our school, no real sports teams or academic achievements, just another school that didn't matter.

Life was fairly bland; get up at 6:00 get home about 4:30 , mum worked at a café so I usually had an hour or so to myself before she got home, which meant the inevitable homework followed by dinner than bible study, oh joy. Mum is a Jehovah's Witness, so that meant church every Tuesday night and Sunday morning, bible study every night, which included group study on Fridays, then out door knocking on Saturdays and sometimes Sunday after church as well. Everyone at school new about my mum, how could they not, she'd been preaching at their door often enough. Fortunately most new I only went along because I had to, it was either that or go live with my dad, an alcoholic, better the devil you know I figured, and at least I wouldn't get beaten living with mum, not at home anyway. Not that dad's really into beating people physically, mind games were (and still are) his thing, you could be feeling on top of the world and in less than an hour he'd have you down to a crying whimpering depressed mess, then he'd just keeping picking at you till you were verging on suicidal, not that that was unusual for me anyway.

That hour a day I had to myself was the only thing that kept me going, I was taller than my mum, not that that was anything special, I'm not sure she's even 5 foot tall, but we were the same size otherwise, so I'd put on one of her dresses and a pair of her shoes, then just potter around the house, sometimes I'd just lay on my bed crying, or praying for god to turn me into a girl, I'd even tried being more interested and active in the religion hoping that would help god answer my prayers, it didn't happen, I let it drop, no use trying when there's no hope. I still prayed though, just in case he heard me, he didn't, so I cried more. I hated everything about me, the religion taught me that everything I felt and believed about myself was wrong, immoral, sinful, disgusting. I used to wear my older sisters clothes when I was little, I envied her more than she'll ever know, I'd even taken one of her dresses and a pair of her shoes when I was about 8 or 9 so I didn't have to sneak into her room, her and mum had found them, I denied everything, they were in a Thomas the Tank Engine bag in my cubby house so it was kind of obvious who'd taken them, I didn't admit a thing, and they seemed to let it go. Life went on, I was more careful and hid more, I always was the shy type, but now I barely ever spoke to anyone other than my friends, and even then I was guarded. I was different, but couldn't let on that I was, another brick in the wall so to speak.

I think Julie suspected something, I never told her anything though, despite her best efforts. We'd talk on the school bus sometimes, when Jason was off sick again, no way anything deep was coming out on the bus though, that I didn't need, but did at the same time, it wasn't going to happen though. I was staring out the bus window one morning on the way down the mountain, the steepest part so you couldn't hear a thing over the sound of the engine and brakes, I can't recall what got me to that point, but I'd decided that from now on I'd be checking out the guys and as a cover I'd look at the girls too, I did anyway, envy does that to a person, I figured if anyone caught me doing either I'd flip the story round which would be good enough cover. I was thinking about it 'check out the guys, envy the girls that sounds like a plan.'

"What was that?"

'Julie, oh crap did I say that out loud?' "Nothing," 'deny, deny, deny.'

'She seemed to let it go, good, must be more careful.'

CRUNCH, BANG

"What the fu…."

*****

 

Noises, movement, lights. I think I hear voices, mum? no, someone else, no, there's several people,

"Get a theatre…"

"No.2 is rea…"

"Find Mr Hawthorn…"

"This isn't going to be easy..."

"You take him…"

Moving again,

*****

 

Pain, "what… where…"

"It's OK Stuart, your in the hospital, you'll be OK." Mum, I guess that's a good thing.

"Wha… What… What… Happened?" Not much more than a whisper.

"The bus lost its brakes, it went over the edge, and you were hurt. It's OK; I'm making sure the doctors do what's best for you."

"Ta, I'm sleep…"

*****

 

Next time I came round a nurse was in the room fiddling with something above my head, "hello Stuart, how are you feeling? I know, silly question. But how's the pain, not too bad is it?"

"No, it hurts but it's not too bad. What happened?"

"Your bus crashed, you were bought here to Southport Hospital, a lot of your friends are here too."

"No, I mean what happened to me?"

"Oh, well the, surgeon will be in later to give you a check up, he'll explain things better than I can. OK?"

"OK, ta" 'I guess I'm not gonna get much out of her.'

"Your mum will be back in a sec', she just went to get some lunch."

"What time is it?"

"Almost 1, she's been here since you were brought in, she won't be long. I've gotta run, but if you need me just press the button and I'll come as soon as I can, I'm nurse Shephard, but you can call me Karen, OK?"

"Thanks nurse Karen"

"Just Karen will do"

"OK, thanks just Karen"

She gave me a bit of a smile, shook her head and left, I was still sleepy so I turned my head to the side and nodded off again.

Sure enough mum was by my bed when I woke up. She was a little distraught, as you'd expect, but seemed quite determined that I'd be just fine, and wouldn't answer any questions from me about what had happened. "The doctor will be along soon, I'm sure he'll explain everything" she kept saying whenever I tried to ask something. "OK mum" I said, trying not to sound to upset that she wouldn't talk to me about it.

About 20 mins later the doctor came in, along with Karen, the nurse from earlier in the day. "Hi Stuart, I'm Mr Whittaker (Surgeons here are called Mr not Dr for some reason), how are you feeling, not too much pain is there?"

"No, ah, Mr Whittaker, it's not too bad," I answered before getting straight to the point, "I'd like to know what's wrong with me though, no-one wants to say anything, they just keep telling me to wait for you."

He cleared his throat before proceeding, "Ah yes well, I thought it would be best this way, so there's no confusion, straight from the source is always the best I say." I just silently nodded waiting for him to continue. "Ah, well, you're not in the best of shape, the bus window shattered so you've got numerous lacerations from the glass, nothing too serious there, although we had to do some minor surgery and add a few stitches where the cuts were a bit deep. The seats in front of you were pushed back against your legs, don't worry though, your left leg is fractured but your right is just a bit cut and bruised." "So it's nothing too bad?" I said slowly, "I should be fine?" He furrowed his brow for a moment, and mum reached over and took my hand 'Oh, this isn't so good' I thought for a moment before asking slowly "so what's the worst of it?" "Ah well," 'I'm seriously getting tired of those 2 words,' "you had your school bag on your lap, and it seems the steel ruler you had in there was forced back into you when the seats were crushed back, I'm afraid there was irreversible damage to your groin." I thought about this for a moment before realising was he was implying "Are you saying my, um, down there, is…" " I'm afraid so" he cut in, "your penis was severely damaged and partially severed, and your testes were" he took a deep breath, "well I'm afraid they are no longer there, that is, they were apparently severed in the crash, and were not recovered." I think I froze when he said that, the old adage that every cloud has a silver lining came to mind and deep down this warm feeling came over me, as shocking as it was I'd just lost that which I hated the most, I was almost ecstatic but the shock helped hide it for the moment.

I just had to test this, it seemed almost too good to be true, "Are you saying I'm a girl now doc… I mean Mr Whittaker?" I asked try to stifle the excitement. "Ah well," 'uh can he start a sentence with anything other than ah well?' "normally in circumstances such as these we would consider full sex re-assignment the best option, however your mother informed us of your religious beliefs, and that that would not be acceptable or appropriate for you, so we have fashioned a phallus which is sort of an artificial penis from what we could, so you'll at least be able to urinate in a male way, however while that function is maintained I'm afraid sex and fatherhood will never be possible." I slumped back in the bed, the joy I'd felt only moments before had well and truly gone, the shock was there even more so than before as I thought about what had just been said 'I just lost everything I never wanted, and my mother told them not to make into a girl.' The warmth I'd felt inside was coming back stronger than before, but this wasn't joy, this was rage, 'how could that doctor or whatever he is cut me about like that?' I was so angry I was shaking, mum tried to calm me but I just threw her off me and screamed at the surgeon, "How could you hack me up like that, do you know what you've done? You've ruined my life with your careless butchering, and you've made me into some kind of freak!" As went on at the surgeon mum came back to my side to try and calm me, I shoved her off me again and started screaming at her. Karen, the nurse who had been at my other side must have been thrown off too, I just saw her reaching above me while I was screaming at mum, she must have put something in the IV because I soon started drifting off again.

*****

 

When I woke up next it was dark, the night nurse was checking my pulse, she introduced herself as nurse Jones and asked if I needed anything to help me sleep. I ignored the question and asked if I could see Mr Whittaker.

"Perhaps in the morning, when your mum gets here," she answered.

"No, I need to speak with him in private, without mum here, I can't talk to him in front of mum."

"I'm sorry dear, he's not available at the moment, but I'll see what I can do for you. Now would you like something to help you sleep?"

"I'm not really tired now, do have to go back to sleep so soon?"

"Sleep will help you heal dear, and there's nothing worth staying up for at this time of night anyway."

"I guess, could you tell me how my friends are first, Julie and Chantelle?"

"Chantelle went home yesterday, and Julie isn't too bad, she's just down the hall from you, I'll let her know you asked about her if you like."

"That would great thanks," 'yesterday?' "What day is it? You said Chantelle went home yesterday?"

"Yes dear, you were asleep for a few days, it's Friday night"

"I thought it was still Tuesday, or Wednesday at the latest, I guess I do need that sleep."

"Yes you do, do you want some help?"

"I guess so."

"Ok dear, goodnight then," she said as she put something in my IV.

"Goodnight nurse Jones"

"Sleep well dear."

*****

 

The warm sunlight trickled in, it must have been mid morning when I woke, and I was alone in my room for a change. My throat was dry so I reached for a cup of water when a sheet of folded paper on the bedside table caught my attention, I grabbed it to see what it was;

Hi shorty,

The nurse passed your message along this morning, so thought I'd let you know I'm fine, well as fine as I can be considering. She says we're just down the hall from each other, so whoever gets out of bed first has to visit the other OK? Did you hear that yelling yesterday? Someone's pretty pissed about something, that's for sure. Hope your OK.

Luv, Julie

Karen came in while I was reading, I asked her if I could get a pen and some paper to send a note back to Julie, she said she'd what she could find, then went on to do the usual checks, and ask how I was feeling about what I heard yesterday.

"I don't like it at all, I thought everything was going to be fine till that last bit, I can't believe what they've done to me, it's not right."

"Well Mr Whittaker did his best with what he had, it was the accident that made things so bad though, he just tried to repair the damage according to you wishes."

"Yeah I know, but that's what I don't like, it wasn't my wishes he went by, it was my mums, I didn't have any say in it, and now I'm a, freak or something."

"You're not a freak Stuart…" "Shorty, call me shorty" I interrupted, I hated my real name. Karen flashed me a smile and continued "OK shorty, but you're not a freak, you're as close to a man as Mr Whittaker could do, but you're definitely not a freak."

"I know, that's kind of the problem."

"What do you mean by that?"

"If I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone? I mean you can tell Mr Whittaker, but definitely not my mum, I don't want her knowing yet."

"Of course I won't tell a soul, promise. What is it?"

"Ok," deep breath, "My mums beliefs and mine aren't really the same, I only go along with her religion because if I don't I won't have anywhere to live."

"A lot of kids your age feel like that, it'll be OK once you're older though."

"No, that's the thing, we believe totally different things. That decision she made for me, for the surgery, I would never have agreed to it, ever, no matter what, you know?"

Karen paused, her eyes flickering between me and nowhere in particular, "are you saying what I think you are? You'd rather Mr Whittaker made you girl? Is that what you mean?"

I'd never admitted that to anyone, I shut my eyes, try to hold back the tears, 'breathe, just breathe' I told myself. I nodded to Karen; words weren't coming out just then.

"It's OK sweetie, is that why you got mad yesterday?"

"Yes," I squeaked between sobs, "I was shocked, then I was starting to feel happy when the doc… Mr Whittaker I mean, said what happened, then when he said what mum had made him do I couldn't believe it, it was like my dreams were being offered to me, and then they were snatched away at the last minute."

"Oh dear, and your mum doesn't know any of this?"

"No, she'd kill me if she knew, she thinks it's all disgusting, that men are men and women are women and that nothing should change that. She doesn't understand reality, it's just her beliefs and everything else is wrong, but it's not wrong, it's more right than anything, she just doesn't get it, she doesn't care."

"I'm sure she does care, she just doesn't understand, some people are like that."

"I guess, can you find Mr Whittaker for me? I really want to talk to him, alone, I don't want my mum here now."

"He should be around in a half hour or so, I'll let him know you want to see him without your mum in the room."

"Thanks Karen, could you get me some paper and a pen?"

"Sure sweetie, won't be long."

"Ta."

A few minutes later Karen came back with a notepad and pen, so I thanked her and set about writing a note for Julie. Just as she was about to step out the door she stepped back in, "your mum's on her way in, do you want to see her?" she whispered. I just shook my head, she gave me a wink and walked out, I heard her talking to mum, I couldn't make out what was said but mum never came in so I went back to writing the note to Julie.

About 10 minutes later Mr Whittaker came in, with Karen a few steps behind him. I put down the notepad as she shut the door, then took a deep breath, well aware of what was about to be said.

"Nurse Shephard has informed that you are not happy with the surgery I performed, and that the decision your mother made was not concurrent with your wishes."

'Breathe, just breathe' "yes, that's correct."

"Hmm, well I'm sorry for the trouble, had I known that when I was doing the surgery I would have proceeded in accordance with your wishes, are you certain this is what you want?"

'Oh thank you god' "yes, I've always been sure, even before the accident."

"OK," he paused for a moment before continuing, "well at the time of the surgery it was an emergency procedure so I could have done it then, however it is no longer an emergency, and as such I can't perform the procedure without all the necessary permissions, and as you are not an adult I would not be able to perform the surgery in any case until you are of legal age, I am sorry, but my hands are tied."

'Not again, please not again' "Isn't there any way? Please?" I pleaded.

"I'm sorry, but unless there is a problem with the surgery, or you receive further damage, I can't. It just can't be done."

"But there is a problem with the surgery! I never wanted it done!"

"I know, but that doesn't change things unfortunately. On the bright side you are in a better position than you were, at least you won't have a male puberty now, and I'll make a note in your records that you are not to receive any hormonal assistance for masculinity, I'm afraid that's the best I can do OK?"

"OK, thank you, at least you've given me a little hope" 'yes, thank you, hope indeed'

"We'll leave you to your writing then," "give me a buzz if you need anything" said Karen as they headed to the door.

I gave a forced smile, nodded and reached for the pen on the table beside me, "Oh, Mr Whittaker?"

"Yes?"

"You know what to do." And with that I drove the pen straight in to my groin, I just saw them running back over to my bed before I blacked out from the pain.

 

(continued)

  

  

  

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