Tango Revisited

by Oak

     

Chapter 1

My husband Eduardo told the story of the early part of our life together: how we met, how I became Emerald with his help, and how we fell in love and how we lived happily ever after. He told that story a whole lot better than I could, so I don't have much to add to it. Except to say that I'm not really as wonderful as he makes me out to be (but I love him for believing this of me!). He's pretty biased about that, but then I feel the same way about him. There was also a major exception to the "happily ever after" part.

Eduardo did not bring about that exception. He is about as perfect as anyone could hope for, at least to me. The problem was brought on by someone else. Sometimes I feel like I have a curse following me through life. I often wonder if I might be sharing that curse with Eduardo. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Our life together started out as an incredibly happy one. I did finally have my "operation" and it was completely successful. I just love my new body. Not just because it's so beautiful (I guess that sounds really conceited!). I don't say that just because Eduardo thinks so (and he tells me I'm beautiful every single day!). I think it's true. I didn't deserve this or expect it but it happened anyway. I feel like Cinderella, groveling around in the dirt all my life, thinking that I'm ugly and worthless, until my Prince Charming rescued me and made me a princess overnight. I know that sounds really corny, but that's exactly what happened.

As I was saying, I love my body most of all because it is finally mine. My old body never felt like it was mine. I hated my old body and hated myself for being in it. I always felt like an alien, although I didn't know why for the longest time. I'm completely convinced that I was born into the wrong body. You can't imagine how incredible it is to be able to fix a mistake that big. The fact that it is also a killer body, well that's just icing on the cake. And I have a wonderful man who adores that body, and he has a pretty incredible body himself. What more can a girl ask for?

We became engaged right after my operation. We announced it to the world after I was mobile again. I had enough money leftover to pay for a nice wedding. It's true what Eduardo says that we fight about money a lot. He is pretty old fashioned. I like that, actually, but where money is concerned I think it's pretty silly. Does it really matter that I make a lot more money than he does? Why should we make sacrifices on things we can afford just because he can't pay for it? But he did let me pay for the wedding, since the tradition is that the bride's family pays for it, even if the bride is the only member of the family.

Since he wouldn't let me spend my money on other things, I decided to spend it all on a storybook wedding. I arranged for a string quartet and a carriage pulled by four white horses, the whole nine yards. I found a really beautiful dress online. We picked the best food, wine and champagne that we could afford. We filled the church and reception hall with flowers. It was the best wedding that a girl could ever want.

I had to laugh when we wrote up the guest list. Eduardo had over a hundred people that he wanted to invite and this didn't include his family in Argentina. I had just four friends and three medical professionals that I became close to since I became Emerald. Always considerate, Eduardo asked his friends who got to know me to sit on the bride's side of the church. He told them I had no family and that "Emerald was new to the area". This was stretching the truth some, but technically, it's true.

The wedding was magical. I won't go into too much detail because it feels like I'm boasting too much already. We held our reception at the faculty club in the university where he used to teach. When I heard him talking to his former colleagues there, I realized that he really belonged in that environment. He never explained to me why he left teaching, especially to give dance lessons. I decided that once everything calmed down, I'd prod him into going back to that line of work.

For our first dance and many dances after that, we did the Tango. Even after such an incredible wedding, that first dance was still the most romantic moment in my life. I felt like we were dancing on clouds. I knew for sure that we were made for each other. The rest of the reception fades into the background when I think about that dance. I still can't believe that I got to have a new life, a new name and Eduardo.

He took me to Buenos Aires for three weeks on our honeymoon. I met oodles of family members there. He took me all over the country. Before we left, we got married there to make it official for his family. Hey, I'm now an Argentine! I just loved his family. They were so good to me. I didn't know that having family could be so nice! I really wish that I spoke Spanish so that I could talk to them without Eduardo to translate. I was determined to make him teach me Spanish so that I could talk to my new family myself the next time we visited.

Chapter 2

After the honeymoon, we went back to our old routine. The main difference now was that we started to think more seriously about dancing competitively. We could do that now that there were no wedding preparations to do and I was completely healed from the surgery. We decided that we should either go for it right then and there or forget about it and get on with the other dreams we had for our lives.

I worried that I would never be good enough. We attended tango competitions when we could and I just didn't think I could ever measure up to those dancers. Eduardo worried about being too old. Which is ridiculous since he always had more energy and stamina than I ever did. He always outlasted me on the dance floor. Still, we were both pretty intimidated by the new crop of young dancers.

Eventually, we decided to go for it. The worst that could happen is that we would have fun getting ready for it, come in last place and then we would just get on with our lives. It wouldn't hurt to see if we could do better than that. We certainly had nothing to lose in trying.

I love dancing with Eduardo, whether it's dancing for love or practice. He's so patient with me, even when I lose patience with him or myself. He's really good at calming me down when I get upset and lifting me up when I need it (which is most of the time!).

We decided to register for a state competition a few months out. We started dancing often and seriously. I was sore almost all of the time. Whenever he complained about being "old", I wanted to punch him. He was in better shape than me and I really had to struggle to catch up. But I eventually got conditioned. I even had energy for romantic dancing after practice. And yes, he still loves my "dancer's legs".

We tried dancing to lots of songs looking for one that felt right. Eventually, we found one that seemed to fit us well. Eduardo developed the choreography for us. The dance seemed to improve over time by itself, but I think that it's because he's so good at leading me that it felt spontaneous to me. We practiced and practiced until we could dance it in our sleep.

I was planning to wear one of his late wife's ball gowns for the competition. On the day that was the first anniversary of our engagement and my womanhood, he surprised me with a large wrapped box. Inside was a beautiful sequin ball gown in deep green. "To match your eyes," he said. I was moved to tears. All of his gifts do that to me.

When the day of the competition arrived, we were the first to dance. I appreciated this placement because it gave me no time to get discouraged while watching the other dancers. When we went out onto the dance floor, the applause and cheering really stunned me. It must be that people still admired and respected my husband, even though many of them were too young or too new to the sport to have seen him compete. I was incredibly nervous and excited. I didn't know how I was going to get through this. Right before the music was set to start, he said to me:

"Relax and enjoy yourself, my love. Do not think about the moves or your body. Think about our first dance on our wedding day. Dance with me and forget everything else around you."

I just melted when he told me that. I did exactly what he said. The music started and I danced with Eduardo. I forgot all about where we were and all the people watching us. We just had a magical time together. When the music ended, he gave me a brief kiss, and then the crowd broke into applause. I was started by the sound of it because I really had forgotten about them. I could feel my face burning. I couldn't get off the stage quickly enough!

The other dancers were incredible. I thought we did well, but then it seemed like they danced circles around us. I really didn't mind that we were going to lose to dancers like that. I remember telling myself that I could never be that good. So I was just stunned when it was announced that we came in second place! How is that possible?

While we drove home, we discussed how we managed to place so well.

"I think it's because you are still a master of this dance," I said.

"I think that they were dazzled by your beauty and grace," he answered back.

"There were a lot of really beautiful women on that dance floor tonight. Don't give me that!"

"And handsome men as well. I was the exception to that group."

"Hey!" I snapped back. "That's my husband you're putting down! You were the exception because you were the most handsome man of all."

"I thank you for that great kindness, even if it comes from one so biased. Perhaps they gave deference to me on account of my age."

"Don't you start with the whole age thing again! But seriously, why do you think they gave us second place? There were a lot of couples there who danced better than we did."

"It is true that many had better technique. Those who won first place surely deserved to do so."

"That's certain - they were amazing!"

"But many of the others lacked the heart and soul that we put into our dance. With the Tango, it makes a difference if the man and woman truly love one another."

"Well, I truly love you."

"And I truly love you, Emerald."

After a while, Eduardo asked "So, did you enjoy the experience? Would you like do this again?"

"You know, I did like it. I was scared to death, but I had a great time! I think I could do it again."

"Shall I then enter us in the semi-nationals in six months?"

"The semi-nationals? In six months?" I was not expecting to make a commitment so quickly for something so soon. But I thought about it and decided that you only live once. "Sure," I said, maybe a little too uncertainly.

Our placement qualified me to join him as a teacher at the dance studio where he taught. I was reluctant to attempt something like that but he convinced me that I would learn a great deal when I trained others to dance. Besides, there weren't enough female instructors at the studio. Finally I agreed to teach with him.

That's when the trouble began. I guess it's true that fairytale princesses often live under a curse.

Chapter 3

I loved teaching new people to dance, to watch and even feel them improve. At least some of them improved. I made myself remember what it felt like during my first clumsy attempts and how Eduardo built up confidence in me. I tried to do that with others and it really seemed to help.

Men practically lined up to dance with me. That was flattering, I guess. But I sought out the shy ones who were a little afraid of me (imagine people being afraid of me for a change!). I could relate to them more than the aggressive ones. I liked to see the looks on their faces change from fear to pleasure when they first got the hang of dancing. Once they learned to lead me they forgot their shyness.

The aggressive ones I didn't care for at all. I couldn't believe that they subtly tried to hit on me in front of my own husband. And they couldn't claim that they didn't know. Eduardo practically always introduced me as his "lovely wife" or his "beautiful wife". And my face burned every time he did that!

They didn't do or say anything directly. But I could feel their lust and see it in their eyes. I still danced with them, but I kept things cool and professional. I also was careful to keep as much distance as I could, which is hard to do in the Tango. If they said anything at all suggestive, I excused myself and moved onto another partner. They quickly learned to respect me or they lost the right to dance with me.

A couple months along, there was one dancer who wouldn't let up. This guy's name was Fernando. He fancied himself a lady's man. I admit that he was really good looking. He was also pretty charming until he opened his mouth. And he was a good dancer. But I just couldn't stand him.

When he looked at me, he always stared at me, especially at my breasts. It really bothers me when men do that, and a lot of men do that a lot. Most have sense enough to look away or at least look embarrassed when I give them a stern look. But Fernando just leered. He made me start to regret that I had them enlarged.

When I danced with him, he closed in too much. He was always trying to push himself into my breasts. I did all I could to avoid that horrible feeling, but he was a good dancer and very strong at that. I couldn't control him while he led me. He made me feel cheap and I hated him for it. I tried to avoid him during the dance lessons but he always sought me out, ignoring the women he was assigned to dance with.

Eduardo picked up on this early on. At the end of one lesson, he pulled me aside.

"This new fellow, Fernando, he is bothering you?"

"I don't really like dancing with him. I'm going to avoid him as much as I can."

"You should not be required to avoid your own students. Does he make you uncomfortable?"

"He gives me the creeps," I admitted.

"Then I will ask him not to return."

"I don't want you to kick him out on my account."

"This is not only to protect you but to protect all the women who dance here. This dance studio is a sanctuary. No one is allowed to make others feel uncomfortable here."

"Thanks, Eduardo. That's really a relief."

That said, he smiled at me, touched me gently below my chin and dashed off after Fernando before he could leave. I watched as he cornered the man on the other side of the studio. I couldn't hear what was said, but I heard some sharp tones from both of them. Finally, Eduardo pointed to door, and Fernando stalked away, clearly very angry.

I breathed easier after hearing the door slam. My knight in shining armor rescued me yet again! I just loved him when he did that. After dinner that night, we had a spectacular night together. I practically smothered him with kisses.

Chapter 4

I eventually put the disgusting Fernando out of my mind. I was busy at work, busy teaching Tango at night and on weekends, and busy practicing with Eduardo whenever we could. My life was fuller than it had ever been and I enjoyed most all of it. The competition was getting closer and we were slowly making progress. I was still really nervous about that but I was determined to go through with it. I couldn't hope for a better instructor.

One weekend, Eduardo had to leave on a business trip for a week. I was scheduled to teach at the studio that Saturday and this made me a bit nervous. The instructor who would fill in for him was very good and I liked him. But I still wasn't ready to solo, so to speak. I wanted Eduardo there to encourage me with his wonderful smile and gentle eyes.

This was going to be the longest time that we were apart since we moved in together. But I was determined not to make him worry. I made the best of it and said nothing about my insecurities. He encouraged me and promised to take me out on a lavish date upon his return. He also promised to call me every day.

That Saturday, the substitute instructor did a great job of leading the lesson and all I had to do was follow his directions. Everything was going great. Near the end of the lesson, Fernando walked into the room. The substitute instructor didn't know that this creep was banned from the class. I didn't want to interrupt the class to tell him. But I also didn't want Fernando to think he could hang out here, especially with Eduardo gone. I pulled together as much courage as I could and approached him near the door.

"Hey Emerald, did you miss me?" he said, leering at my breasts.

"You have no right to be here. You have to leave immediately."

"Is that any way to speak to your favorite student?"

"Get out of here. Now." I hoped I sounded tougher than I felt.

"What, are you going to call the police on me?"

"If I have to, I will. Now get out."

"You don't want to do that. I just came to talk. I figured that maybe we could talk about Dennis."

All pretense of courage fell away from me. In fact, it felt like the whole floor fell out from underneath me. He just laughed at me.

"Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy talking about 'him'".

"How did you find out?" I asked.

"It's amazing what you can find out online these days. I think I now know more about you than anyone."

"What do you want?"

"I'd like to dance." He grabbed me by the hand and waist and led me in a Tango. I was too weak to resist him. The music seemed very far away.

"You really did miss me, didn't you?"

"What do you want?" I repeated.

"I'd just like to spend some time with you."

"Forget it." I stopped dancing and pushed him away.

"You shouldn't talk to me like that. If word gets out about your filthy little secret, someone might get hurt."

"Eduardo knows everything already. And if he finds out that you are talking to me like this, he'll kill you." I wasn't exaggerating about that.

"Do you think I'm afraid of that old man? I'm not stupid. I already know that he knows your secret. But think of all the people who don't know. Your students, the people at your work, your new friends, Eduardo's family…."

"You wouldn't dare!" I gasped.

"You have no idea what I'm capable of." Again, he led me in a dance. Again, I didn't resist him. My brain felt like it was going to explode.

"What do you want from me?" This time, I was pleading with him.

"Like I said, I want to spend time with you. Maybe tonight? You could come over to my apartment."

I wanted to run away from him, but he had too much power over me. How could someone this horrible find out about my past? I needed time to think.

"I'll meet you tomorrow. We can meet at the café across from the studio. At noon."

"You want to meet for coffee before our first date? How sweet. I can do that. Okay, tomorrow at noon. We'll schedule our first date after that."

The music ended and I remembered where we were.

"Now please go," I pleaded. "I have to work."

"Whatever you say. We can pick up the dance another time. I'm looking forward to this." He gave me a mock bow and then left.

The instructor came over after that to check up on me. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

I nodded weakly. But everything was about as far from okay as it could be.

Chapter 5

After the dance class, I hurried out of the studio and found myself wandering aimlessly around town. I was afraid to return to the apartment in case he was waiting there. I found myself looking over my shoulder all the time, expecting him to be behind me. I was afraid of everything. A whole lifetime full of insecurities came flooding over me and I felt like I was drowning.

I desperately wanted to talk to Eduardo. I needed him more than ever, yet I couldn't bear to talk to him. Part of my mind told me not to bother him, which is laughable when I think about it now. I was afraid to call him. I knew that I'd done nothing to make him mad at me. Yet I still felt disgusted with myself. I was afraid that I was about to do something that I would hate myself for. I knew that I would never betray Eduardo, but I still felt ashamed somehow.

The small, sensible voice inside me pleaded with me to tell him. I knew that he'd come home immediately. That would inconvenience him, but this was much too important to worry about inconvenience. But then a more substantial fear took hold of me. If I told Eduardo everything, he'd probably kill Fernando. Sometimes that Latin blood of his can be a real pain! Between his over-developed sense of honor and his protectiveness of me, Eduardo would lose all control. As much as I hated Fernando, I didn't want him dead. And Eduardo would spend the rest of his life in prison. This was a fate far worse than having the whole world know about my past. I had no other choice but to get through this without him.

As I wandered, my mind raced. I tried to think of some solution to get out of this mess. I was good at finding solutions to computer problems, wasn't I? Surely there was some solution to this one too. But I couldn't focus. This was not a technical problem that could be tackled logically. There were lives and reputations at stake now.

My mind kept seeing the worst of all possible outcomes. I imagined Eduardo's friends shunning us. I imagined him being forced to give up his lessons and the show circuit because of the shame of it all. I imagined being harassed at work as people found out about me there. I thought about ridiculous things, such as changing our names and moving to another city.

The most unbearable thing I imagined was the look of disappointment on Eduardo's face. He would never say anything bad to me, of course. But I still remembered the look he gave me when I was such an utter failure as Dennis. I had nightmares about that look sometimes. He often assures me that he would never leave me or stop loving me. I believe him. But I couldn't bear the thought that he might one day regret having met me.

It was dark when I finally made it home. I had eaten nothing since the morning and I was exhausted and morose. Still, I couldn't bear the thought of food. I spent a long time just sitting in a chair. My stupor was interrupted by the phone ringing. I'd forgotten that Eduardo would be calling me!

"Hello," I said weakly.

"Good evening, my love! How are you?" Eduardo asked.

"Okay, I guess."

"You do not sound well. Is anything wrong?"

I didn't know what to say. "I'm pretty out of it. I miss you so much! I really, really miss you!"

"I miss you too, darling. Yet, it has only been one day."

"I know I'm being silly. But I don't feel that great today."

"You are not well? I can cancel the rest of my trip and come home tomorrow." There was concern in his voice.

"No! I can't let you do that. I can't be freaking out every time you're away on a business trip. I need to learn to take care of myself once in a while."

"You are braver than you believe yourself to be, my dear. But I am willing to come home sooner, if you need me."

"I know you would and I love you for it. But you finish what you need to do. I'll manage out here."

"I love you too. Very much. I must meet a colleague for dinner. I am outside of the restaurant now. I apologize that I cannot speak longer. Are you sure you will be all right?" Again, his concern for me melted my heart.

"I'll be fine. Thanks for calling. It means the world to me."

"I shall be back too late tonight to call again. But I will call you tomorrow to see how you are."

"Don't worry about me. A call in the evening would be fine. You have yourself a good time tonight."

"And you as well. I love you."

"I love you too," I said and I hung up the phone. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I don't remember when I finally got to bed and cried myself to sleep. I do remember the look of genuine concern on my cat's face as she lay on my pillow looking at me with her big eyes. It's funny how animals can feel our pain.

Chapter 6

I almost forgot to mention my cat. Before Eduardo and I became formally engaged, I was walking home one evening and I heard a sad little sound. I walked into an alley to investigate and found a tiny gray puff of a kitten. She wasn't afraid of me at all as she peered up at me and mewed. I picked her up and she fit completely into my hand, as small as that is. I searched the alley for the momma cat or the rest of the litter and found no sign of either. I couldn't leave this kitten to starve; I decided to take her home.

I hid her in my purse and stopped by a local store to buy four cans of kitten food and some cat litter. During this errand and on the walk home, I imagined all sorts of scenarios about Eduardo's first encounter with this kitten. None of them were positive.

He was not fond of cats. He didn't see how the time, money and trouble of cat ownership could be justified. I'd wanted a cat all my life. No matter where I lived, circumstances kept me from getting one. Once or twice before, I hinted about wanting a cat, but he dismissed the notion as impractical. And yet, while fully aware that I wouldn't be allowed to keep the kitten, I was already attached to her. Before I got home, even before I was certain that she was a she, I named her Thumbelina.

I managed to sneak her into the apartment before Eduardo got home. I made a shoebox home for her and fed her more food than something that small should be able to eat. After she had eaten her fill, she curled up in a gray ball in my lap and fell asleep, purring away. What was I going to do when Eduardo got home?

As I fretted about that, I was transported to a time when I was seven years old. Back then, a small black cat started coming to our house. Against my parent's wishes, I fed it cold cuts and cheese for several days. When I asked to keep the cat, my parents refused. No amount of promises, pleading or crying could sway them. They took that poor thing to the pound.

They assured me that the cat would be adopted and live a long and happy life. I didn't believe it for a second. Even then, I knew what happened to dogs and cats at the pound. Ever since then, my wish to have a cat seemed like a futile hope.

Eduardo came home and woke me from my memories. It was now too late to hide the gray poof curled up on my black skirt. I explained to him how I found her and why I took her home. He explained to me as if I were still a child why we couldn't keep a cat. Pets were prohibited in the apartment. We could not hope to find another suitable, affordable place that allowed cats. A cat would interfere with the dance lessons and practice. Cats left hair everywhere and damaged furniture. Cat boxes smelled bad.

To every objection he made, I offered a solution, which was countered by another objection. Finally Eduardo shook his head.

"I am sorry, my love. You cannot have a cat."

I was heartbroken. But I knew that he was right. And I was determined not to revert into a seven year old again. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying.

"I will try to find someone to adopt her. If I can't, I will take her to the pound."

I tried to sound like an adult. Sometimes, I hate being an adult.

Eduardo sat beside me on the couch and turned my head to look up at him. The look in eyes was very tender.

"Does this cat mean so much to you?"

I couldn't answer. I just nodded my head.

"Then you may keep it?"

"Really?" I couldn't believe my own ears.

"Provided, of course, that you care for it and take the precautions that you just promised."

I burst into tears and kissed him repeatedly. This was the very first time in my life that anyone made a real sacrifice for my happiness. That is how much Eduardo loves me.

Chapter 7

I slept badly that Saturday night when I slept at all. I felt physically ill the next day. I finally dragged myself out of bed to get something to eat. It was getting late and I had to meet that creep at noon. I considered just not showing up, but I knew that would make him mad. That was the last thing I could afford to do. I had to meet him.

I still had no idea what I was going to say to him. I hoped that I could talk him out of this by appealing to his better nature. I didn't think it was going to work, but I had to try. Maybe I could work something out. Maybe I could learn something about him that would work in my favor.

While I forced myself to swallow coffee and toast, I thought about what to do about my appearance. I could put on the rattiest clothes I had and no makeup and go out looking as unattractive as I could make myself. At that point, I was more than halfway there. Maybe that would turn him off. But I doubted it. It would only show him that he'd gotten to me. I decided to wear ordinary, baggy clothes to hide my figure as much as I could. I put on enough makeup to hide my misery. When it was time to leave, I tied a scarf around my hair and put on dark sunglasses. I wanted to hide myself from him and from anyone who might know me. I also wanted to hide the dark shadows under my eyes.

As if in a dream, I found myself walking to the café, drawn to my doom. He was there, sitting at an outside table. I walked up to him boldly, as if I wasn't afraid of anything.

"How nice to see you," he said.

I just stood over him. "What do you want from me?"

"Sit down," he replied. "You're going to make a spectacle of yourself."

He had a point. I sat down. He handed me a menu and I handed it right back to him.

"What do you want?" I asked again.

"You keep asking me that. I told you what I want. I want to spend time with you. I want to go out with you. Eventually, I want to go to bed with you."

Before I could reply, the waiter stopped at the table. I wondered how much he'd heard.

"Are you ready to order?"

I pulled my sunglasses down and looked up at him. "Nothing for me, thank you. I won't be staying."

He gave me a knowing look. Then he turned to Fernando.

"I think we need more time."

The waiter nodded and left. I pulled my sunglasses over my eyes again.

"I'm not going to sleep with you," I said.

"I think you will. You have too much to lose if you don't."

"But I'm in love with Eduardo!" I pleaded.

"I'm not a fool. I don't expect you to love me. I don't want your love. I just want your body."

"I can't do that to him. You know that."

"You'd hurt him a lot more if you don't do it. I'm not going to tell him about what we do. If you don't tell him than he never gets hurt. But if you don't do it with me, you both get hurt."

"Why me?" I asked.

"Haven't you figured out yet how hot you are? Besides, knowing that you used to be a man makes it all the more exciting. I can barely wait to see what you look like under those clothes."

He stared at my breasts again. For a moment I felt like he could see through my sweatshirt.

"I have a little money. I'll pay you if you leave me alone."

"I never turn down offers of money. But money will only postpone the inevitable. I'll tell you what. You can pay me, say, $500 for every week that we do not have sex. But sooner or later, you're going to run out of money. And when you do, we're going to have sex."

I was left speechless. I felt completely defeated.

"I figure that you can come to my place on Friday at eight. At that time, you either bring me $500 or you bring me your body to do whatever I please with it. But you have to show up and you better be on time. If you're late, I'll start sending out a few e-mails to the right people."

"I can't come on Friday." Eduardo would arrive Friday evening. If anything was going to happen, it had to be before then.

"You better change your plans," he said.

"How about Thursday night?"

"You want to do it sooner? Cool! I like your spirit. Thursday at eight then." He pushed a piece of paper toward me. It contained his name and an address. "Keep that in a safe place," he added, "like next to your heart."

I got up, snatched the paper away from him and shoved it into my jeans pocket. I turned and left without another word.

"I'll see you on Thursday," he called after me.

As I left, I passed the waiter that stopped by earlier. He turned and gave me the same knowing look he had given me before.

"How much would you want to slip poison into his coffee?" I asked him. He smiled sympathetically and then turned back to his work. As I walked off, I wondered just how serious I was about that offer.

*****

The rest of day played out almost exactly like the day before. I worried myself into a state of mental exhaustion and physical illness. I collapsed in the apartment and did little else but cry and pine away. When Eduardo called that night, I tried to keep it short. I told him that I was feeling really ill now, which was entirely true by that point. The nausea had gotten so bad that I couldn't bear to eat that night.

I dozed off and on through the evening and night, but I got no rest. The next day I decided to go to work, as bad as I felt, hoping that it would take my mind off of my impending doom. It didn't help. I couldn't concentrate at all. My boss thought I looked so awful that he sent me home after a few hours. On the way back, I stopped at the bank and took out $500 cash. I had to be prepared for anything.

I managed to get home and throw myself on the couch. I don't remember if I ate or not that night. Even the reassuring weight of an overweight cat curled up on my tummy did little to console me. I hadn't made up my mind yet what to do. I knew that I could never sleep with this guy, no matter what else. Eduardo might have to kill him first. I figured I'd buy him off on Thursday unless I came up with a better solution before then. And yet, I believed him when he said that he wouldn't give up on me no matter how much money I gave him. He was a real predator.

I fell asleep on the couch, feeling completely defeated.

Chapter 8

The rest of the week was a blur. Somehow Thursday night finally came and somehow I made my way to his apartment door. I was no longer thinking for myself. I was just plodding on, as if to my own execution. I wore the same sweatshirt and jeans that I wore at the café the previous Sunday. I didn't bother with the scarf or sunglasses this time.

I rapped on his door and it opened on its own. I peeked my head inside and looked around. There was no sign of Fernando. His apartment really surprised me. I was looking into a babe lair. It was decked out with furniture in dark wood, chrome and leather. There was mood lighting and lots of lit candles all over the room. There was even a small fire in the fireplace. This guy was a professional seducer.

I walked inside and called out. "Hello?"

"Come here." His voice came from the other end of the apartment. I slowly walked in the direction of the voice. It seemed like it took forever to cross that apartment. There was a doorway, open to a dimly lit room. I stopped just outside of it. He was lying on his bed covered by a sheet. He was not wearing a shirt.

"Come in," he said.

I reached into my purse and fumbled around inside of it. I pulled out the cash and waved it in the doorway. "I brought the money."

"I don't want your money. Put it away and drop your purse."

Without thinking, I put the money in the purse and dropped it.

"Now come in."

I had no intention of walking into that room. But somehow, my feet stepped forward on their own. I was horrified. Did he have some kind of power over me? I felt increasingly sick.

"Take off your shoes."

"Don't do it!" my mind screamed even as my legs kicked off the sandals.

"Now take off your top."

That command was so ridiculous that I was ready to laugh at him. Even as I thought that, my hands grabbed the bottom of my sweatshirt and pulled it up over my head. He did have a power over me! I couldn't resist anything he said! I desperately wanted to turn my back on him, but my body wouldn't obey me. All I could manage was to turn my head away from him. The strain hurt my neck.

I mentally pleaded with him, "Please don't make me take off my pants or bra! Please! Please!"

Instead he said, "Come closer."

Once again, my body obeyed him rather than me. I turned my head to look at him as I approached the bed. He was sitting up now. He reached over and grabbed my breast, slipping his hand under the bra cup. I flinched violently inside, but my body didn't move at all. I shut my eyes. I felt myself starting to gag. More than anything I just wished I was dead.

"Wow, these feel real."

Suddenly, I felt him grab my crotch. That sent my body over the edge. I bent over and threw up violently. When I finally opened my eyes, I discovered that I had vomited all over him. His eyes flashed in rage. That broke the spell he had over me. I backed away from him, expecting him to pounce.

"I make you barf, do I?" he screamed. "You are going to pay for that, you filthy whore! I'm going to make you pay again and again!"

I turned and ran out of the room. I closed the door behind me and tried to hold it shut against him. He cursed me more than I'd ever heard anyone curse before. He sounded like a wild animal. This monster was going to kill me or worse.

It didn't take him long to pull the door open. I ran away, somehow getting lost in the dark maze of his apartment. I ran into the kitchen, a dead end. His cursing came from behind, somehow far away, but approaching rapidly. In the dim light, I saw a knife rack. I pulled out the handle of what turned out to be an enormous knife. I turned around just in time to force him to stop. But he didn't back away.

"Are you going to kill me, little whore? I'm going to take that knife away from you and slice you in half with it!"

He lunged at me. Whether by his movement or my own, the knife plunged deep into his belly. Blood started to come out of his mouth. I felt the warmth on my hand and looked down to see my hand completely covered in a gush of blood. The blood looked too bright, too red in the dim light. He crumpled to the ground as blood spread across the floor. I started to scream hysterically. I did not stop screaming even to take a breath.

It was then that I woke up.

Chapter 9

I heard loud banging on the door. I was lying on the couch of our apartment. Was this really a dream? Was it all a dream? How much of it was a dream?

I got up off the couch and moved to the door. I looked down at my hands. They were shaking, but there was no blood on them.

"Are you all right?" someone yelled through the door, between the banging.

"I'm all right," I yelled back. "Who is it?"

"It's Mr. Lebowitz. Open the door!"

Mr Lebowitz. Our neighbor from across the hall. I must've been screaming in my sleep. I haven't done that since I was a kid. I opened the door slightly.

"You were screaming bloody murder!"

"I'm sorry. I was having a nightmare."

"You're alone?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Where's Eduardo?"

"He's away in Seattle this week on business."

"Can I come in? To make sure everything is okay?"

I knew why I was screaming but I couldn't explain that to him. He was concerned about me. I would be too if I heard screaming like that. I opened the door. He was in his bathrobe, clutching a golf club. He walked in and started looking around the apartment with the club raised high.

"Do you mind if I look around?" he asked, even as he started pushing aside curtains with his club.

"I guess so."

I was still shaking but I was starting to return to reality. There's nothing like having a neighbor in a bathrobe come to your rescue to ground you in the present.

I followed him as he checked every room, looking for hidden murderers. He looked behind the furniture and under the bed. In the master closet, he spent a long time poking through the gowns.

"You sure got a lot of clothes!" he remarked.

"We're dancers. We need lots of costumes."

Suddenly, Thumbelina shot out of the closet from under the gowns. I shrieked loudly and Mr. Lebowitz dropped his golf club.

"You got a cat?" he asked, reaching down for his club.

"Please don't tell the landlord! She means the world to me!"

"What's not my business, I don't talk about."

As he continued his search, I tried to calm myself down and figure out what was real and what was the dream. As I passed my purse, I looked inside. The $500 was there. At least that part was real.

"What day is it?" I asked.

"What day is it?" he repeated. "Since it's three in the morning, I guess it's Tuesday."

Tuesday. I didn't lose any days after all. I never went to Fernando's apartment and no one got hurt. Not yet, anyway.

When he was sure that I was safe, he went back to the door. I finally realized that I was still wearing my work clothes. I could see why this looked so suspicious.

"Do you want to sleep on the sofa in our apartment?" he asked. "Mrs. Lebowitz wouldn't mind."

"Thanks. I really do appreciate it. But after that nightmare, I don't think I'll be sleeping anymore tonight."

"Can I ask what your nightmare was about?" he asked.

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"Of course. It was a stupid question."

"Thanks for checking up on me. It's comforting to know that our neighbors care enough to do that. Even if it might be dangerous."

He inclined his head. "This is what neighbors do. At least this is what neighbors used to do back in my day. I'm sorry you have to live in these times."

Sometimes I was sorry about that too. "And thank you for not saying anything about Thumbelina."

He looked over at my huge cat hiding in a far corner.

"You named that cat Thumbelina?"

"She was tiny when I first found her!" I said defensively. "Anyway, you get some sleep, Mr. Lebowitz. Thanks again."

After he left, I started to make some coffee. Like I said, I wouldn't get any more sleep that night. I was too shaken. But I was also really angry. Anger has a way of giving you focus. The dream woke me from my fit of despair and self-pity. What happened in that dream could happen in real life. He would betray me no matter what I did. This is the first time that I've actually wanted to kill someone and I hated that creep for making me sink that low. I never, ever wanted to feel that powerless again. This guy had to be stopped.

  

  

  

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