Switching Teams?

by Laurie S. aka l.satori

 

Jerry, George and Elaine are sitting at a table in a coffee shop in Manhattan.

"So what's bothering you this morning?" asks George. "You've got that hangdog look, like you're ready to split up with your latest girlfriend."

"You mean Darlene?" corrects Jerry.

"Yeah."

"No, that's not what's bothering me. We're getting along fine," says Jerry. "Why, have you heard she wants to split up?" asks Jerry with a smidgen of angst in his voice.

"Not a thing. It's just that it's been about 10 days since you met her," says George.

"Your girlfriends are like yogurt," adds Elaine. "They come with an expiry date."

"Oh come on, that's not true," replies Jerry. "Darlene is fine. That's not what's bothering me."

"Then what is?" asks George.

"It was the place I worked last night . . . and the club I appeared at the past weekend."

"What about them?" asks Elaine.

"They were real dives. The audiences were terrible. And my routines just don't work very well in noisy places where the audience is playing pool or listening to music on a juke box."

"No wonder. You can't expect to get laughs under those conditions," says Elaine sympathetically.

"I bombed. It was so depressing."

"So what?" says George. "You know the old cliché. When you fall off a horse, the best thing is to get right back on it. Don't let your fears magnify. Get right back on that horse. You'll get 'em the next time."

"I don't think self-doubt is the problem."

"Then what is?" asks Elaine.

"I need a change. My agent keeps putting me into these venues where I really can't work."

"But you've worked in these places before," says Elaine.

At that moment, a tall man, wearing a beige jacket, rushes into the cafe like a bat out of hell. He spots Jerry, George and Elaine and bounds over to their table.

"Hey everyone!" greets Kramer.

"Hi Kramer," says Jerry with some enthusiasm, thankful for the interruption. Glad not to be getting into further discussion of his troubles.

George and Elaine say their greetings to Kramer.

Kramer reverses the wooden chair, and sits down at the table.

Sensing that Kramer has that excited 'volcano about to erupt' look, Jerry says, "Do I have to ask?"

"Show business!" replies Kramer enthusiastically. "I saw a magic act last night at Murphy's that was just terrific. There was a young illusionist who was just out of this world. You have to see her perform!"

"Who is she?" asks Elaine.

"Her name is Jilian. She's unbelievable! Jilian can do some magical levitation tricks. Stuff you've never seen before. Absolutely amazing! And she's really new to the entertainment scene. Jilian's still just a student. But I got to talking to her after her scintillating performance, and you know what?"

"What?" ask all three friends.

"You are looking at the next big show biz impresario of New York. You are looking at Jilian's new agent."

"Congratulations, Kramer!" says Elaine enthusiastically.

George and Jerry smile and nod in dumbfounded agreement.

"I tell you, Jilian's going to be big! She performs illusions you have to see to believe! Why she had this big fat guy, the size of a hippo, come up on stage and she made him disappear right before your eyes. It was amazing! I don't know how she did it."

"Well Kramer, if you are now a theatrical agent, maybe you can help Jerry out," suggests Elaine.

Jerry shoots Elaine a withering look.

"What can I do for you, Jerry?"

Reluctantly Jerry explains, "I am not happy with some of the clubs I've been working. They're just not right for me."

"I know," says Kramer. "You need a place with some class. A place where the people come to see a comedy show. A place where the audience is there to listen and to be entertained. Am I right?"

"That's it exactly," replies Jerry with a look of amazement.

"The problem with some of the places you are working is that they are multi-function venues. One night they're a karaoke bar, the next they're a cabaret club, then they're a dance club, and so they're dysfunctional comedy clubs because they have a schizophrenic personality."

"That's it exactly," replies Jerry quite stupefied by the accuracy of Kramer's assessment.

"I'll tell you what Jerry. I'll book you into some of New York's finest comedy clubs. The kind of venues where the audiences come to see comedy shows."

Jerry pauses before answering, thinking of all the schemes Kramer has tried in the past that didn't work. "I don't know Kramer, I've been with my current agent for the past five years."

"Does he have an exclusive agreement with you?"

"We have a legal contract, but it's not an exclusive agreement."

"Then, I'll tell you what. I'll get you into a comedy club you haven't worked before. Just give me a list of open dates and I'll find a venue to book you into. Any club where your current agent has booked you in the past is his territory. Any new place I get you is my territory . . . Do we have a deal?"

Kramer holds out his hand.

Jerry hesitates for a moment. "The standard ten percent."

"You bet."

"That sounds good."

Jerry and Kramer shake hands.

Jerry thinks to himself, 'Am I nuts? What did I just agree to? On the other hand, this is just another of Kramer's crazy scams – a passing fancy. By next week, Kramer will hit upon some other new money making scheme. This too shall pass.'

********

The next evening Kramer drops by Jerry's place.

After knocking on the door, Kramer enters.

"Hey Jerry, it's good that I caught you at home."

"Hi Kramer," says Jerry, as he pours himself a cup of coffee on the kitchen counter.

Accustomed to his neighbor's frequent impromptu visits, Jerry says, "Can I pour you a coffee? It's fresh instant."

"No thanks, Jerry," says Kramer. "Can I use your apartment for a little while? My apartment's being steam cleaned. The carpet is still damp. And I'm meeting with my new client."

Jerry pauses for a moment. "Who's your new client?"

"Jilian, the illusionist I was telling you about yesterday."

"Oh right, the one you were raving about."

"So how about it?"

"Sure," agrees Jerry.

"Good, because I already gave Jilian your apartment number."

"Well, George is coming over later. But we won't be hanging here too long. We're going to see a movie with Elaine and Darlene. You want to come along too, Kramer?"

"Thanks for the invitation, Jerry. But this evening I'm going to be out scouting for new talent to add to my stable of clients."

"You're really gung-ho on this, aren't you?"

"I think I may have finally found my calling. Show business is so exciting. I love the entertainment world. Scouting out new talent, checking out venues for my clients, negotiating deals. I should have thought of this a long time ago. It's all very exciting."

There's a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," insists Kramer. "That must be Jilian."

When Kramer throws open the door, a beautiful blonde goddess dressed in a low-cut multi-colored sundress, stands at the threshold.

"Jilian, come on in!" invites Kramer.

Kramer and Jilian embrace. They exchange show biz kisses on both cheeks.

"Jerry, my good friend, this is Jilian."

"Welcome, Jilian."

Jilian saunters up to Jerry. She hugs him and kisses Jerry on both cheeks. "A pleasure to meet you, Jerry."

Jerry senses the hint of Chanel perfume. He can feel the softness of Jilian's curvaceous bosomy body and there is high voltage energy in her kisses on the cheeks.

"The pleasure is mine," murmurs Jerry.

Then Jerry stands back to look at Jilian from head to toe. "You were right, Kramer. Jilian is beautiful."

"And very talented. Jilian is the best illusionist I've ever seen."

"Thank you for the compliments," says Jilian with a smile. Then she extends her right arm up to Jerry's left ear, as if to caress him.

Then Jilian steps back, holds up her hand, and reveals a silver dollar in her grasp.

"Kramer, you were right about Jerry. Not only is he handsome and charming, he's a rich comedian with money coming out of his ears."

"Very impressive," says Jerry with admiration.

"Thank you," whispers Jilian.

Jerry leads Jilian and Kramer into the center of the fastidiously neat living room.

Kramer and Jilian sit together on the couch. Jerry takes his position on the armchair.

"Kramer tells me you're the newest client in his stable," says Jilian.

"Yes," says Jerry with a quizzical look. 'Stable? A two horse stable,' thinks Jerry to himself. 'And Kramer is anything but stable.' "Yes, Kramer's client list seems to double almost daily."

Jilian looks over to Kramer and gives his hand an encouraging squeeze.

"Well, Jerry wants to play some new venues. So I'm going to try to get him into some new clubs that he's never played before."

"You're a comedian," says Jilian. "I've seen you perform before. And you are very funny. The last time I saw you perform, let's see, you were at the Club Improv on 42nd Street. And Kenny Bania was there the same night "

"Oh yes, Kenny Bania," nods Jerry, thinking of how much he despises Kenny – almost as much as that annoying Newman. "Can I get you a cup of coffee? Fresh instant."

"No thank you."

"How about you Kramer?"

"Not at the moment, Jerry," says Kramer. "Say Jerry, I need to talk to you for a moment about your contract. You said you had an agreement with your agent. But I need to have a look at that legal document. I have to check it out to make sure that I won't be treading on your old agent's rights."

For a moment Jerry looks bewildered. "Right now?"

"Yes, so I can show Jilian too what a standard agent's contract looks like."

"Oh right," says Jerry as he clues in to what Kramer needs. "The document is in a file box in my bedroom."

"Can we talk in your room for a moment?"

"Sure," says Jerry. "Please excuse us, Jilian."

Before Jerry leads Kramer to the bedroom, Jerry takes a few steps toward the back wall and turns on the stereo. "We'll only be a few minutes. If you like, you can help yourself to the coffee."

A Diane Krall jazz tune fills the void.

"I think I will take you up on that offer of coffee," says Jilian as she gets up from the couch.

"Please help yourself," says Jerry as he and Kramer disappear.

When Jilian finds the coffeepot and a mug on the kitchen counter, she pours herself a cup. As she stirs the teaspoon of sugar, there is a knock on the door.

Jilian thinks about going to Jerry's room to tell him that there's a visitor at the door, but then hurries across the living room to the entranceway.

Jilian opens the door.

A bald, pudgy, middle-aged man, dressed in a checkered shirt, khaki pants and loafers, stands in the hallway, looking a little bewildered. He looks across the hall to check the number.

"Hi," says Jilian.

"Hi," replies George. "I thought for a moment I had the wrong apartment, but this is 5A, Jerry's place."

"Oh, I'm just visiting. My name is Jilian."

"I'm George, George Costanza," he replies, as he looks her over from head to toe, admiring Jilian's statuesque features. She looks dazzling in her brilliant blue, green and purple sundress. George thinks about the relative merits of knockers for some reason. "Are you Jerry's girlfriend?"

"No. I'm here for a meeting with Kramer."

"You aren't signing up for a fat free yogurt franchise, are you?"

"No, I'm in show business. I'm looking for an agent. Kramer wants me to be his client."

Then George slaps himself on the side of his head. "Wait a minute. I know who you are!"

"Who?"

"You're Jilian – that illusionist Kramer was raving about! Am I right?"

"Yes, a female illusionist."

"Like Melinda – the one in Las Vegas."

"I guess so, although I've never been to Vegas. Oh please, c'mon in."

George strolls through the doorway.

"You must be new to the business," suggests George.

"Yes. How'd you know?"

George thinks about Jilian having Kramer as her agent, but he bites his tongue. "Well, you look so young."

"Yes. I'm still a student."

"Oh, where do you go to school?"

"Columbia. I'm hoping Kramer can find me some work. It will help pay the tuition and living expenses."

"So where's Jerry? And where's Kramer?" asks George.

"They're having a chat in Jerry's room," replies Jilian as she sits down on the couch. "Something about Jerry's contract with his agent. Kramer wanted to see the legal document."

Jilian pats the seat beside her, so George accepts her invitation.

"Oh Kramer is probably concerned about breach of contract," suggests George. "You know, Kramer knows a thing or two about lawsuits." There is a look of seriousness in George's expression.

"Kramer knows lawsuits, huh?"

"Yes. Lawsuits are an American institution. It's right there in the constitution. Every American has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And the pursuit of happiness is aided and abetted by the right to sue anybody for anything."

Jilian laughs at the outrageousness of George's cynical comment.

"What makes you so familiar with legal matters?" asks Jilian.

"It's just a necessary part of business."

"So what do you do for a living?"

"I work for the Yankees?"

"Really?"

"Yes, I'm an executive assistant to George Steinbrenner."

"My God. That is so exciting!"

George thinks about bragging or embellishing the truth, but remembering how he got the Yankees job, George decides to act contrary to his natural impulses. Instead, he tries to be honest about it. And, daringly, he tries the humorous approach. "Besoball has been berry berry good to me," says George in an intentionally lame Garret Morris Saturday Night Live imitation.

Jilian smiles.

"I work in the Yankees front office," continues George. "I love my job. It's more than I ever thought I could accomplish. And I look forward to going to work everyday."

"Oh, I am such a fan! I love the Yankees! Ever since I was a little kid, I've watched them on television, listened to the games on the radio or I've gone down to see some games at Yankee Stadium. I love baseball!"

"So do I. It's the best job I could ever have."

"Wow! That is so neat!" gushes Jilian.

Sensing an opportunity, George suggests, "The Red Sox are in town tomorrow. Would you like to see the game? You can be my guest."

"Would I? That would be great!"

"We can sit in the box beside George Steinbrenner if you like."

"That would be wonderful! You are so sweet!"

Jilian leans over and squeezes the air out of George. She smothers him with kisses on the cheek.

Then inadvertently, in her unbridled enthusiasm, one of Jilian's kisses lands flush on George's lips.

There is a look of surprise on George's face, then immense delight as Jilian's innocent buss turns into a long, hot, erotic French kiss. She pushes him back on the couch.

Suddenly the door to Jerry's room opens.

Jilian and George shoot bolt upright.

"Oh how very interesting," blurts Jilian.

"Yes, the Yankees are part of the entertainment business," improvises George. "Very much like show business."

"That's why I want to be in show business," continues Jilian. "I want to perform in front of people and bring some joy into their lives. I want to have fun and create fun for the audience."

"Well, I'm sure you'll become a big success in show business. But it's tough. As the song says about New York, 'If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.'"

"I hope so."

Jerry and Kramer both think they saw Jilian hugging George. As they get nearer to the couch, Jilian appears to be caressing George's ear.

"So I see you two have been getting to know each other?" suggests Jerry.

"Yes," replies Jilian as she pulls a hundred-dollar bill out of George's ear. "I was just showing George a little magic."

For the next half-hour, Kramer and Jilian discuss their contractual agreement. Kramer shows Jilian the contract Jerry had with his agent.

Eventually Jilian and Kramer work out a six-month trial agreement at a ten percent commission.

********

Jilian, dressed in a summery white cotton dress and a Yankee baseball cap, walks arm in arm with George. They make their way down the stairway aisle to the box seats near the Yankees dugout on the first base side.

George Constanza, aware that many envious eyes are on him and his gorgeous date, basks in the glow of the sunshine.

The owner, George Steinbrenner, very dapper in a lightweight summer suit, spots him.

"Hi George."

"Hello Mr. Steinbrenner," replies George. "I'd like to introduce you to a real true blue Yankees fan. This is Jilian."

"Happy to meet you," says Mr. Steinbrenner as he extends his right hands to greet Jilian. Then he leans over and kisses the back of Jilian's hand. He steals a glance down at the heavenly breasts of young angelic Jilian.

"A pleasure meeting you Mr. Steinbrenner," replies Jilian.

As Jilian takes her seat beside George Costanza, the Yankees owner leans over to George and whispers into his ear, "You lucky devil, Costanza. Jilian is one hot looking fox. Looking good, Costanza!" Mr. Steinbrenner gives George a congratulatory slap on the shoulder.

"Thank you, Mr. Steinbrenner," whispers George with pride.

George Costanza is in his element. It doesn't get any better than this. Here he is on a date with a girl whom he regards as the most beautiful in New York, sitting in the team's box seats, chatting to the Yankees owner.

Jilian must be impressed too.

As the game begins, George's fears subside. He regales Jilian with tales of the current team. Only the kind of insider stuff that a team official might know. For instance, how shortstop Derek Jeter got his first name? Or what kind of tequila El Duque, Orlando Hernandez, likes to drink? Or how much velocity, if any, pitcher Roger Clemons has lost on his fastball?

And Jilian is a baseball fan. She drinks it all in.

"Let me guess," says George to Jilian. You're favorite player is Derek Jeter."

"Yeah. He is so hot. All the girls love him. The young boys too. Whenever I played baseball in elementary school, I used to play shortstop, so I guess it's natural that Derek is number one in my heart. But George, how did you guess Derek Jeter is my favorite Yankee?"

"Because when I told you Derek was named in appreciation of former Boston Bruins hockey player Derek Sanderson, you already knew that."

"You are so smart, George. I can see why Mr. Steinbrenner thinks so highly of you." Jilian gives George a hug.

"If you want, Jilian, after the game, we can go down to the Yankees dressing room. I can't take you in, but after the players come out, maybe I can get you an autograph for your baseball program. Maybe some of the players, if they're not too busy with the other fans, they might talk to us."

"Do they know you, George?"

George's first impulse is to lie. Instead, he tells the truth. "I am not in their circle of close friends, but they know of me."

"That would be great, George," says Jilian as she gives George a thank you kiss on the cheek. "I've never felt so special on any other visit to Yankee Stadium. I feel like a real VIP."

"Thanks Jilian, you are a Very Important Person to me," says George as he leans over and plants a kiss on Jilian's tender lips.

Jilian responds favorably.

George can't believe how well everything is going. Jilian, in her sunglasses, baseball cap, long blonde tresses and sundress, is simply gorgeous. George thinks Jilian is a real temptress. Her voice in particular attracts him to her. It's energetic, melodious, and very sexy. And she appears to enjoy his company. The conversation flows so easily.

However, George's self-doubts prey on him. He thinks to himself, 'Whenever I like girls, for whatever reason, they don't like me. And when they like me, I don't like them. It's not logical, but it always seems to work that way. So how come Jilian seems to genuinely like me? She must think I'm nice. But girls don't want nice guys. Everyone knows nice guys finish last.'

As a hot dog vendor passes down the aisle, George holds up his arm to call the young man over.

"Jilian, would you like a hot dog?"

"Yes please."

"Two hotdogs, please, with the condiments too."

George passes the money to the vendor. Then he gives Jilian her hotdog.

"There's nothing like the atmosphere of a Saturday afternoon at the ballpark," remarks Jilian.

"I'm a bit surprised you wanted one," says George. "A lot of ladies are so worried about their weight, they wouldn't even consider it."

"Not me. It brings back memories of my childhood. This afternoon reminds me of when my parents used to bring me down to see the games when I was really young," says Jilian. "A trip to Yankee Stadium was the highlight of the summer. I'd always bring my baseball glove, hoping to catch a foul ball, or if we were sitting in the outfield stands, I'd pray for a home run to come our way."

"Did you ever catch one?"

"Don Mattingly hit a homerun to right field. It landed about three rows in front of me, then bounced right over my head. But in the mad scramble for the ball, I didn't have much of a chance against the teenagers and adults. I was just a little squirt at the time."

"I wish I had those kinds of pleasant memories with my parents, although I did have some good times here with friends."

"Didn't your parents bring you to the games?" asks Jilian.

"Occasionally." Thinking of his parents' incessant screaming, George tries to change the subject. "If you didn't catch any baseballs, did you ever get any players' autographs?"

"I was lucky. Here, have a look at my hat. I only wear this on special occasions."

Jilian takes off her baseball cap. It unleashes her long blonde tresses. George wonders if Jilian realizes how beautiful she appears and what effect she has on the male libido.

Jilian shows George the inside lining of her cap.

"You've got the signature of Don Mattingly?" asks George.

"That's right."

"You're lucky."

"So are you, George. Until today, I never got to meet the owner of the Yankees or sit in the box seats. You're blessed." Jilian gives George's arm a squeeze. Then she leans over and gives George a thank you kiss on the cheek.

After the game, in the bowels of Yankee Stadium, when Derek Jeter emerges from the dressing room, George introduces Jilian to the young Yankees shortstop.

There is a large crowd of fans milling about. But because of George's front office job, George and Jilian are the first in line to greet the Yankees superstar shortstop.

"Hey George," says Derek Jeter. "How come you're here?"

"I'm here with a guest," says George proudly.

Security guards struggle to keep order as some of the fans behind George try to get Derek Jeter's attention, shouting out Derek's name.

"I'd like to introduce you to Jilian," says George.

Realizing that gorgeous young Jilian is with George, Derek Jeter holds up his hand and gives Costanza a high five!

"A pleasure to meet you," says the handsome young multi-millionaire.

"I'm your biggest fan," gushes Jilian. "Great game today, Derek."

"Thanks."

Noticing that Jilian is holding a program, Derek Jeter pulls out a pen from his jacket and quickly autographs the baseball program for her. Jeter's smiling visage is on the cover.

"Thank you," says Jilian.

"Thanks Derek," adds George.

"My pleasure."

Needless to say, Jilian is impressed.

But due to the throng of fans clamoring around the baseball superstar, George and Jilian aren't able to converse with him any longer. They make their way out of the line, further into the corridor beneath the stands.

From George's point of view, the brief encounter with Derek Jeter goes exactly according to plan.

Derek Jeter hit two home runs, knocked in four runs and the Yankees beat the Red Sox 5-3. It's hard to compete with stats like that.

********

Later that week, Jilian, George, Kramer, Elaine and Jerry are hanging around backstage at Your Momma's Comedy Club.

"I've got to admit, Kramer, you came through," says Jerry. "I've never worked at this club before."

"Well, you said you wanted to work in some new venues, so I looked for alternatives," replies Kramer.

"And this certainly is an alternative nightclub," says Jerry.

"So what if Your Momma's is a gay and lesbian club," challenges Kramer.

"That happens sometimes in Greenwich Village," says Jerry. "Not that there's anything wrong with being gay or lesbian. After all, I asked to work in some new places. And Your Momma's certainly is a place I've never been before."

"It will broaden your audience," suggests Kramer.

"Well I couldn't be happier," says Jilian. "I am thankful for the opportunity."

Jilian gives Kramer a big warm hug.

"Hey everybody," says Elaine, "it's almost show time. We'd better go out front. We'll catch you later."

George hugs Jilian. "Knock 'em dead, gorgeous," encourages George, as he sneaks a peek down the front of Jilian’s low-cut little black dress.

Jilian kisses George on both cheeks. "Thanks, I'll give it my best."

A few minutes later, Kramer, George and Elaine are standing at the back bar of the club.

Formerly a small cinema, it's a newly refurbished building. A stage replaces the movie screen and front rows. The sloped floor is now terraced, with six different levels of seating. Chairs, narrow dining tables, and alcoholic drinks replace the theater seats, popcorn and soft drinks.

Tonight the place is jam-packed. Standing Room Only. There is a buzz of excitement in the air.

Kramer estimates there must be 600 people tonight. Your Momma's capacity is supposed to be 500.

The theme music There's No Business Like Show Business starts up. The audience quiets down. It's hard to be heard above the voice of Ethel Merman. The people look around for the MC to take the stage. From stage entrance left, a middle-aged black man dressed in a suit and tie moves to the microphone stand.

There is wild applause as the music dies down.

"Good evening, everyone," says the MC in a deep tone reminiscent of Darth Vader. "How are you doing tonight?"

There are more cheers and hoots and hollers.

"I'm Benson Carver, and I will be your master of ceremonies." Enthusiastic applause. "There's a lot of pent up energy in the house tonight! What happened? Did everyone take a vow of celibacy?" More laughs. "You know that doesn't work. There are a few thousand Roman Catholic priests who will swear to that!"

There is a big roar of applause.

"For those of you who have never been here before, it's too late for you to escape. If you're worried about your reputation, your worries are over. If people thought you were straight before, forget it! Once you walked into this joint, you switched teams! You have no credibility now! You're as queer as a lactose intolerant lesbian sucking on your momma's silicone boobs."

More raucous approval from the masses.

"Speaking of switching teams, we've got some virgin performers here in the house tonight. New to Your Momma's, we've got the hottest new act in New York. Her name is Jilian. She's the best illusionist you will ever see. Jilian will blow you away. And if she doesn't, she'll simply blow you." The audience goes wild. "And she's a dazzling beauty, let me tell you. You girls and girly boys will love her . . . You wish." The audience cheers! "Another huge coup for Your Momma's is New York's favorite comedian, you've seen him on television, you've seen him in New York's best comedy clubs all over town, so what's he doing here at Your Momma's? The very funny Jerry Seinfeld!" There's more thunderous applause. And then the MC rhymes off the rest of the names of the non-virgin comics appearing in the show.

The first performer is a lesbian drag king who does a hilarious 'You know you're a redneck when' type shtick. Instead, it becomes a 'You know you're straight when' routine.

Initially a little uptight, Elaine, George and Kramer eventually relax and enjoy the show.

As the first act ends, Benson Carver, the MC, comes back to the stage. He enters walking bent over, with a noticeable limp, dragging his right leg like he has a stump foot. On the back of his right shoulder, it appears that he has a large hump.

"A big round of applause for Whistlin' Dixie, wasn't Dick See great?"

The crowd cheers boisterously.

Still hunched over, Benson Carver launches into his routine. "When I was a young boy, living in Dixie, Atlanta Georgia to be precise, I thought I might be straight." The audience snickers. "Yeah, I know I'm a hunchback, but I'm not bent. I discovered I was straight at a very young age. I remember my momma warned me not to look at naked women. She told me that if I looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. Then, one day, I went over to my friend's house to play. When I knocked on the door and rang the bell, there was no answer. So I went to the side walkway between houses to see if I could find my friend in the backyard. But I thought I saw some motion behind the curtains at a side window. Being a little guy, I couldn't see who was there. So I climbed atop a fence, then I could see into the window. There was my friend's mom in the bathroom. She was taking off her clothes. Naturally curious, I watched as she removed her clothes. But remembering momma's words of warning, I was afraid I would turn to stone. As the lady removed her nylons and her bra, I was excited but, at the same time, absolutely terrified. Maybe even petrified. Finally the lady's panties slipped to the floor. She was totally nude. And she was beautiful! For the first time in my life, I felt something turn hard! I thought I turned to stone!"

The audience laughs.

"I was so scared, I screamed and I fell off the fence. I landed on my back. Unfortunately, because my family was poor, I couldn't get the proper medical care. My back didn't heal properly. But now I can tell you, I'm a damn straight hunchback – the hunchback of naked shame."

Thunderous applause. The audience loves it.

Kramer is feeling good about booking his two clients, Jerry and Jilian, into Your Momma's.

"Earlier I told you we're fortunate to have the hottest act in New York appearing here at Your Momma's. You will remember the first time you ever saw this blonde bombshell, the goddess of magic and illusion, here is the amazing Jilian!"

There is warm, enthusiastic applause.

A gold, jewel encrusted bottle descends from the curtains above. It drops to a height of about three feet above the stage. Then it follows Benson Carver as he makes his way offstage. As the audience snickers a little at the magically levitated bottle tailing Benson Carver, he looks back as he senses something going on behind him. When he spots the floating bottle, he stops. Then, with a bewildered look on his face, Carver reaches out slowly and grabs it.

Suddenly the ruby crown pops off the golden bottle, releasing billowing smoke. Within seconds, the swirling clouds engulf Benson Carver.

A moment later, a pink costumed genie appears. The blonde bombshell is dressed in a harem outfit exactly like the one Barbara Eden wore in the TV series I Dream of Jeannie. In fact, with a pink fez, light veils and golden locks framing an angelic face, she looks exactly like Barbara Eden.

"Good evening, master!" chimes the familiar cheery tones of 'Jeannie.' "Thank you for releasing me from the bottle. Oh, I'm so happy. I have been trapped in endless television reruns for many, many years. My name is Jeannie. I am the genie of Major Anthony Nelson's golden bottle. I am here to serve you. Oh master, whatever you wish is my command."

"My oh my! What a delightful surprise!" exclaims Benson Carver, as he looks her over lasciviously.

Jeannie turns to the audience to acknowledge their enthusiastic applause.

"You are here to serve me?" asks Benson Carver. "Oh, this is going to be good. I can't wait to see how you grant my wishes."

"Master, your wish is my command."

"Well, first, I want to you to straighten my back," says Benson Carver.

Jeannie folds her arms in front of her chest. Then she blinks, accompanied by a brief musical tinkle, and Benson Carver suddenly straightens up. The noticeable hump on his back appears to deflate. He no longer has a hunchback.

"Thank you," says Benson. "Thank you, Jeannie!"

"You are welcome, master."

There is a sudden bright flash! The stage is engulfed in a blast of smoke. A few seconds later, as the mists dissipate, Jeannie is no longer there! It's amazing!

"Jeannie, come back. Wait! Come back!"

Benson Carver looks out at the audience. "I knew that was too good to be true. I didn't even get three wishes . . . Ladies and gentlemen, once again, here is the very sexy, glamorous, magical mistress of illusion, Jilian! Jilian!"

There is wild applause! Cheers! Hoots and hollers!

The lights go out. The club is in total darkness. The crowd quiets down.

The Beach Boys Surfin' U.S.A. song blasts onto the club's sound system. Sounds of crashing surf are mixed in with the Beach Boys tune.

"If everybody had an ocean

Across the U.S.A.

Then everybody'd be surfing

Like California."

A spotlight from the back of the club splashes over to stage right.

Long blond hair, curvaceous body stuffed into a golden bikini, Jilian is a radiant vision on top of a long hard board. She screams, "Surf's up!" as her surfboard shoots across the stage.

The amazing thing is the board appears airborne. It is high above stage level.

"Everybody's going surfing

Surfing, U.S.A."

Holding her arms out for balance, Jilian dips down as if crouched in the curl of a monstrous breaker. She's in the Pipeline. It conjures up visions of Blue Crush. Jilian zips across the stage, perched precariously on her board as it skims forward.

"We'll all be gone for the summer

We're on safari to stay

Tell the teacher we're surfing

Surfing, U.S.A."

Nearing the other side of the stage, Jilian steps to the back end of the surfboard, flips it up, 'ride' over, then she collapses onto the board and paddles back across to the center of the stage.

"All over La Jolla

And Waimea Bay

Everybody'd gone surfing

Surfing, U.S.A."

There is the sound of an approaching breaker. Jilian looks up at the imaginary tsunami. Suddenly Jilian rolls the surfboard overtop of her body as a surfer does to avoid being crushed. The power of the huge wave crashes downward! After the wave apparently roars by her, she flips the board back up and then she is on top, paddling like mad through the surging swells!

"Everybody's gone surfing

Surfing, U.S.A."

At center stage, Jilian stops paddling. She slides off her surfboard. As she stands up, feet planted on the stage, the surfboard is at chest level. Jilian gives the board a strong shove and it glides, four feet above stage level, across the wide expanse, exiting stage right.

Surfin' U.S.A. fades into the background.

The crowd goes bonkers! Bananas! Tubular even! How does she ever manage this radical levitation trick? They've never seen anything like this before. And Jilian is drop dead gorgeous! She sure knows how to stuff a wild bikini!

The lights come on as Jilian bows to the crowd amidst generous applause. Then she picks up the wireless microphone from its stand. Behind her is the lone prop on the stage – a large, black closet size box.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jilian." There are more cheers. "What a lively crowd! It's such a pleasure to perform in front of such enthusiastic people. So how did you like the surfing illusion?" Jilian pauses as there is more applause. "The idea for the surfing illusion came to me while watching the old classic teen film Gidget Goes Hawaiian! Remember the Gidget films? In this one Deborah Walley never touched the water while 'surfing' either. Well, to tell you the truth, there was no magical levitation in my act. Beneath the surfboard, hidden by darkness, carrying the whole load, it was really the hunchback of naked shame, Benson 'Quasimodo' Carver."

The crowd roars its approval.

At the back bar, Kramer leans over to George, "I told you she was good, didn't I?"

Spellbound by Jilian's beauty, George nods in agreement. "Breathtaking."

"While I like wearing a bikini, I feel a little underdressed. So pardon me while I step into my change room for a moment."

Jilian opens the 'door' to the large red satin lined box. Then she steps in and closes the door. As she does, the 'closet' starts to rotate.

"I feel like Clark Kent changing into Superman in a phone booth. But Superman's an exhibitionist. I mean, the sides of a phone booth are made of glass. The phone booth doesn't hide anything. Besides, blue tights and a red cape? You don't need a gaydar to pick up on that fashion statement, am I right?"

The 'closet' has rotated one complete turn.

Jilian opens the door and steps out. She is wearing a glittering chain mail silver evening gown. The low neckline, Jilian's sexy slim arms, her tiny waist, the flaring hips, and the long curvaceous legs, and the revealing chain mail material mesmerize the audience. Jilian is a goddess!

Jilian is so beautiful one can almost sense the lesbians in the audience salivating.

The crowd applauds Jilian's taste in clothing. "It's such a tiny patch of material, I feel like I'm 'airing' the Emperor's new clothes." The crowd applauds. "Oh you actually like this? I made it from a guard's outfit I stole from the Tower of London."

The crowd laughs politely.

"You've heard of the Tower of London. It's where they keep the Crown Jewels. The Tower also served as a prison. And sometimes they tortured the prisoners on a rack and they also beheaded people too. Do you know what they call the guards at the Tower of London?""Jilian pauses. "They're called Beefeaters. I want to tell you, after I saw those Beefeaters, I practically lost my head. I wanted to chain a male guard to a rack, taste his Crown Jewels and eat his beefy tower!"

The audience cheers, hoots and hollers!

"I think there are a few fetishists and sadomasochists in this kinky crowd."

Now there is a big roar from the target group.

As the applause fades, the comedy club gradually gets darker as the lights are turned down once more.

"For the upcoming illusion, I need a volunteer."

Quickly Jilian picks a person in the front row. A young virile hunk steps forward and climbs the steps up to the stage. He is well built – undoubtedly a body builder. His black T-shirt is stretched to the limit around the rippling pectorals. But the cotton material hangs loosely around his taut six-pack waist.

"Hi, thank you for volunteering. And what is your name?" asks Jilian.

"Andy," the young man replies.

"Andy the eye candy," quips Jilian. "Very nice," says Jilian as she gives Andy's biceps a squeeze.

The gay crowd responds with appreciative whistles and catcalls.

"For the illusion I'm about to perform, I'm going to need a few props. You see the metal hoops at the front of the stage, Andy? Could you please bring them up to me?"

Andy steps forward a few paces. When he bends over to pick up the metal hoops, Jilian says, "Nice tush!"

There are a few gay hearts a flutter.

Andy responds with a smile as he hands the six silver hoops over to Jilian.

"Back in the late 1950s, the hula-hoop was a big fad that swept through America. Everybody owned a hula-hoop. Now Andy, I'd like you to put the hoop over your head, bring it down to waist level as I am doing. That's it. Now swivel your hips and let's see how long you can keep it up. You've had a lot of experience in keeping it up, haven't you Andy?" The crowd chuckles at the double entendre. The crowd applauds as both Andy and Jilian keep the hoops rotating around their slim waists. Eye candy indeed!

"Now Andy, most people think it's easy to keep up the hula-hoop, but I'm going to make it a little more difficult for myself," says Jilian as she lifts her right leg and shakes it so that she keeps a silver hoop spinning.

"Oh Andy, I was hoping you had more staying power," says Jilian as Andy's hoop falls to the floor.

Then Jilian puts another hoop around her left arm. Somehow Jilian manages to spin that one too. "I've always had a hard time with the hoop that goes around my neck though," says Jilian as she now spins four hoops and then another with her right arm. "There, five hoops simultaneously."

The crowd gives polite applause as Jilian keeps all the hoops spinning. Andy struggles to get his hoop going again, but it rattles onto the floor once more.

"I suppose you're wondering how I extricate myself from this predicament?" asks Jilian as she gyrates her sexy body.

There's a pause. Then Jilian flings the hoops that are around her arms high up into the air, then she quickly grabs the leg hoop and tosses it up into the air, then quickly the one from her neck, then finally the spinning hoop from her waist.

All five of the hoops fall back to the stage at the same time. Nonchalantly Jilian grabs the five almost simultaneously before they can hit the floor. She holds the five rings up in the air briefly, and then takes a well-deserved bow.

The crowd applauds politely.

"Thank you," says Jilian. "How about a big round of applause for Andy?" encourages Jilian. The audience gives him a nice send-off as he goes back to his seat.

Now Jilian launches the hoops high into the air above the stage. They seem to get lost in the curtains above. This time the hoops don't come back down.

There is laughter from the crowd.

"Oh, I forgot about Andy's hula-hoop," says Jilian, as she bends over to pick it up. As she straightens up, Jilian suddenly launches the hoop, Frisbee style, out into the crowd. There's a gasp of surprise! But, like a disintegrating hologram, it breaks up and disappears.

"How did she do that?" murmurs through the throng.

From stage left, a large wooden box floats across the stage toward Jilian.

"For my next illusion, I will attempt to saw a person in half. Are there any brave fools, I mean volunteers, who'd like to assist me in this performance." There is a momentary pause as Jilian searches through the forest of arms held up. "Yes, the young lady over here on this side," says Jilian as the volunteer rushes up to the stage before Jilian can finish the sentence.

In the harsh spotlight, the twenty-something brunette, dressed in a sexy dark blue pantsuit, turns to the audience and waves.

"Hello, thank you for stepping forward," says Jilian. "And your name is . . . ?"

"Annie," replies the young lady into the proffered microphone.

"Annie. Well, tonight it's the Andy and Annie show. By the way, you wouldn't happen to know Andy, would you?"

"No."

"That's unfortunate for you, but good for me . . . Sometimes the audience believes the illusionist picks 'plants' from the audience. But I've never met you before, have I?"

"I don't think so."

"Good, now that we've established that, have you made up your last will and testament?"

"No, should I?"

"It probably isn't necessary. A person as young as you probably has nothing but debts anyway."

"You're right," agrees Annie with a smile.

The audience laughs along with Annie.

"The illusion is very simple. I am going to ask you to lie down in this magician's box. I am going to strap you in and then I am going to saw the box in half. It's really a simple illusion. You've probably seen this trick before, am I right?"

"Yes, I've seen it before, but I've never done it before. Are you sure it's safe?"

"The medical prognosis is good."

"All right."

"Okay Annie, I want you to step up here, then we'll get you to lie down in the box . . . That's it," says Jilian as she gives Annie a helping hand.

Annie lies down in the magically levitated magician's box. There are no visible supports beneath the wooden box.

"Now the people in the audience want to be assured, Annie, that you are with us at all times. So we're going to have your feet sticking out of one end, and your arms will be extended above your head so that we can see your hands sticking out of the other end."

Annie lies down in the box. Jilian closes the top of the box. The audience can see Annie's hands sticking out one end and her black pumps sticking out the opposite end.

"Okay Annie, I want you to wiggle your feet to let the audience know you're still there."

The feet move vigorously.

"Now give us a wave with both hands.

The hands flutter back and forth.

"Good. Have you enough air to breathe?" asks Jilian.

There is a muffled 'yes' from inside the magician's box.

Jilian spins the magician's box around once to show the crowd that the box isn't held up by some pole attached at the backside.

Once the rotation is complete, Jilian reaches beneath the magically levitated box and pulls out a large shiny metallic blade.

"This blade will be placed directly above the mid-section of the magician's box. When I depress the blade into this slot, it will split this wooden box into two. Are you ready Annie?"

Again there is a muffled 'yes' from inside the box.

Suddenly there is a drum roll over the club's sound system.

Jilian drops the sharp blade into the slot.

There's a loud scream. "Aaaahhhhh!!!!!!"

The sharp blade falls through the box directly to the stage floor. There's a loud clunk of metal on wood! Then the two halves of the magician's box separate. One end falls to the stage feet first. The other falls to the stage floor hands first. Then the feet side of the box scurries off to the left side of the stage. The hands side of the box scurries away to the right side of the stage. It's like a scene from a cartoon.

The crowd goes wild! There's thunderous applause.

The house lights come up slowly.

"Don't worry ladies and gentlemen. Annie has gone to a better place."

All of a sudden, the audience sees Annie, perched on the edge of five silver hoops that have been bound together, descending from the ceiling of the stage.

Now there is absolute bedlam! Totally unexpected!

"Back already?" asks Jilian. "I bet you didn't know you could walk on your hands?"

Annie bends over in laughter as she drops steadily downward. The silver rings stop descending as Annie's feet touch the floor. She steps away from the tethered hoops. Immediately the rings withdraw to the ceiling above.

"Should I tell them how you did it?" asks Annie.

"You are now a member of the Secret Order of Magicians and Illusionists," insists Jilian. "You are forbidden to do that. But there is no trick. It's real magic!"

Annie shakes her head.

"Watch out Annie, or I'll say the magic words, Rumpelstiltskin, and you will turn into a wretched old man."

Annie laughs.

"Annie, let me tell you about the curse of Rumpelstiltskin. Did you ever drink so much alcohol, Annie, that you are practically falling down drunk? Then you stumble home and you are so inebriated, you fall asleep with your clothes on. In your very best pantsuit, like the one you're wearing now. The next morning when you wake up, you are hung over, you're dehydrated from the alcohol, and your face looks like it's been put through a meat grinder. Annie, that condition is called Rumple Suit Skin. That's what will happen to you when I say the magic words Rumpelstiltskin three times . . . But thank you Annie for your assistance. Please give a big round of applause for the extraordinary Annie! The newest member of the Secret Order of Magicians and Illusionists, Annie!"

As Annie returns to her seat, the club is awash with generous applause.

At the back bar of the club, Elaine shouts out to George above the clapping, "Isn't Jilian amazing?"

"Incredible!" agrees Kramer.

"She is great!" adds George.

The 'closet' at the back of the stage moves forward, seemingly of Jilian's volition.

A makeup table and a chair emerge from the wings and the three pieces of furniture converge around Jilian at center stage.

As Jilian steps into the 'closet' for the last time, the house lights start to dim. The large black box rotates slowly.

"To do these costume changes, I need the speed of a superhero. Do you remember how Lynda Carter did her change? Diana Prince spun around like a white tornado and," the sound of a thunderbolt, "out came Wonder Woman! So when I was a kid, I recorded that scene on the VCR and then played it back in slow motion. You know what? She never took off all her clothes! It was totally fake!"

There are some knowing laughs from the guys who also tried the super slow motion replay trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and in betweenies," begins Jilian. "Tonight what you have seen is a scintillating show of magic and illusion. We've taken a few volunteers from the audience, ordinary people, and performed a little hocus pocus for your entertainment. Anyone and everyone is capable of illusion."

Moments later, the door opens and Jilian steps forward in the spotlight amidst billowing clouds of smoke. She is dressed in a classic black velvet dress. The deep plunging neckline can barely contain her bountiful bosom. Through the swirling mist, Jilian struts forward, twirling her cane and doffing her top hat. There is a flash of curvaceous leg beneath the drape of black velvet as she pivots on her stiletto heels. Jilian's dazzling smile beams in the glow of the stage lights.

Then the music starts up. The haunting melody has a vaguely familiar air. There is a change in mood as a tight spotlight centers upon Jilian. She moves front and center to give the audience a more intimate look at her slinky dress and her sensuous perfect body. She begins singing.

"My mum and I we live alone
A great apartment is our home
In Fairhome Towers
I have to keep me company
Two dogs, a cat, a parakeet
Some plants and flowers."

There is no doubt – Jilian is the most radiant, beautiful person in Your Momma's Comedy Club tonight. All eyes are fixated on her!

"I help my mother with the chores
I wash, she dries, I do the floors
We work together
I shop and cook and sew a bit
Though mum does too I must admit
I do it better."

Jilian glides over to the makeup table and sits down. She continues in her beautiful soaring alto voice.

"At night I work in a strange bar
Impersonating every star
I'm quite deceiving
The customers come in with doubt
And wonder what I'm all about
But leave believing."

Jilian removes her false eyelashes. She picks up a soft cloth soaked in baby oil and then covers her face. The crowd is abuzz as Jilian's beautifully accentuated facial features disappear.

"I do a very special show
Where I am nude from head to toe
After stripteasing."

Jilian stands up. She reaches up and slips a thin strap off her right shoulder. There is a momentary pause. Jilian smiles enticingly. Then, with an elegant shrug of her shoulders, the dress suddenly drops to the floor. There is an audible gasp as Jilian's bountiful breasts seem to fall away with the black velvet.

"Each night the men look so surprised
I change my sex before their eyes."

Jilian removes the cascade of blonde curls. Beneath the wig is short dark blond hair of a man.

There is a skin colored 'panty' to cover Jilian's private parts, but there is no denying, the slim body, without the silicone falsies, is that of a male. Not a female.

"Tell me if you can
What makes a man a man."

'Jilian' slips off her black stiletto heels.

"My masquerade comes to an end
And I go home to bed again
Alone and friendless."

'Jilian' pulls on a pair of black pants.

"I know my life is not a crime
I'm just a victim of my time
I stand defenceless."

'Jilian' slips into a pair of loafers and dons a dark gray shirt.

"Nobody has the right to be
The judge of what is right for me."

'Jilian' sings the last lines looking directly to the distant back bar, where his/her eyes seem to zero in on the sheepish expression on George Costanza's face.

"Tell me if you can
What makes a man a man."

'Jilian' bows. The crowd rises as one. The standing ovation is deafening! There is hooting and hollering from the very appreciative throng. The poignant lyrics by Charles Aznavour and Bradford Craig have never been performed any better.

As 'Jilian' makes his/her way offstage, Benson Carver gives 'Jilian' a big bear hug. That gesture is greeted by another peak in the applause meter.

"Ladies and gentlemen," says Benson Carver, "that was Miss Jilian. Wasn't she out of this world? I know she had me completely fooled."

Benson Carver looks at someone in the front row. "Wait a second, are you saying Miss Jilian is really a drag king? She's really a girl posing as a female impersonator? Like Victor/Victoria? Honey, Julie Andrews never looked that sexy! I mean Miss Jilian is hot! For goodness sakes, Julie Andrews was Mary Poppins and Sister Maria in The Sound of Music. Hell! Miss Jilian wouldn't look out of place in Charlie's Angels. Come to think of it, she's better looking than any of the current angels."

"In any case," continues Benson Carver, "whether or not Miss Jilian is a man or woman, I don't know and I don't care. Whatever she or he is, Miss Jilian is great! And speaking of the great ones in the New York entertainment scene, Your Momma's Comedy Club is proud to present to you the comic you've all been waiting for, Jerry Seinfeld!"

********

George Costanza can't take it anymore. Feeling absolute humiliation, even though his friend Jerry Seinfeld is on stage, George charges out of the club.

In George's mind, there is a mix of emotions. He's thinking, 'How can a person like Jilian deceive me like that? I cared for her as a beautiful girl. But she is really a guy! For goodness sake, I kissed her on the lips! After the date at the Yankees game, we kissed! I kissed a man? I can't believe it. Jilian was so sexy! I cannot believe this. It's like a nightmare. It can't be happening to me.'

A crestfallen George slumps against an exterior wall of Your Momma's comedy club. Some people pass by him in the street. It's a cool night, but George doesn't notice the temperatures.

George frets about going back in to face his friends. He thinks about catching a cab ride home.

The time passes as George struggles with this major dilemma. George replays the events of the past week. From the moment Kramer walks into the coffee shop, to the meeting at Jerry's, the afternoon at the ballgame, to assembling backstage at your Momma's, and finally to the moment of discovery when 'Jilian' sings What Makes a Man a Man. The whole 'Jilian' infatuation is merely the prelude to a disaster! Another George Costanza tragedy! He finally meets the girl of his dreams. But she is really a he!

There is a tap on George's shoulder.

"Hi George."

It's Jilian. Her blonde hair, her beautiful makeup and foxy clothing are back. She/he looks beautiful.

George's first impulse is to launch into an angry tirade. But remembering the key to his success and happiness seems to be adopting the opposite tact, George simply says, "Hi Jilian."

"I guess that last illusion came as a bit of a shock to you."

"To say the least," admits George.

"I guess you were wondering why I didn't tell you earlier?"

"Yes. I made a fool of myself," says George angrily, but still trying to control his temper. "I really thought you were a beautiful girl. Instead . . . "

"The first time we met, when you said Kramer told you I was an illusionist, I even corrected you. I said I was a female illusionist."

Now it starts to dawn on George. "Kramer left the gender illusion part out. He never told Jerry or Elaine or me about your best illusion. And when you said female illusionist, I said 'like Melinda in Las Vegas.' She's a real girl. A magician." George pauses. "But you might have thought Melinda was a female impersonator because there are lots of impersonation shows there . . . So you thought I knew you were a boy."

"Yes. Anybody who has seen my act knows it," insists Jilian.

"That's for sure," agrees George. "And I must say your act is terrific. The illusions are really great. The surfing illusion in particular! In fact, I'm baffled. I don't know how you did those fantastic levitation tricks."

"It's just smoke, mirrors, misdirection and . . . a little modern technology."

"C'mon, give me at least a hint."

"Remember I told you I'm a student."

"Yes."

"I'm in my final year of mechanical engineering. A lot of those illusions simply require remote control devices – a little sleight of hand to control the movements of the props." Jilian holds out a little beige plastic device in the palm of her hand. "And the virtually impossible becomes entirely possible."

"I see."

George Costanza looks at Jilian with a fresh appreciation.

"Jilian, let's try to begin again . . . My name is George Costanza," he says as he holds out his hand.

"Hi George, my name is Julian Diamond, although many people know me as Jilian."

They shake hands. Then they head back into Your Momma's together.

 

THE END

 

 

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© 2003 by Laurie S. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.