I hope you enjoy the ideas and situations in this story, and the poor grammar is not a hindrance. Spellchecker is great, but dyslexia is more than bad spelling. Excuses over, enjoy.

 

Student Life

by Lauran Travis

 

It had been at college for my first term, and was looking forward to going home for Christmas. My father had said he would come to collect me, which was unexpected, but welcome. The reason for his generosity was related to mother, she was a frail woman who had not really wanted me to go away, now I was being told she was getting confused. It seemed since I had left, my absence had brought back some uncomfortable memories. And rather than confront them, my father had gone along with them. As we drove he explained how after two sons, I was supposed to be a girl, and mother was devastated when the midwife proclaimed me male. I remembered being encouraged into dance class and not football, and while my brothers played rough, I was told to play quietly. Still I had enjoyed my childhood, and had enjoyed my term at college studying drama. My mother without me to remind her of my sex had forgotten I was male and referred to me as Lauren instead of Laurence.

So prepared for the worst I arrived home hoping that my male image would remind her who I was. Unfortunately as soon as she saw me it felt wrong, she wanted to know why I was dressed like a boy, and what had happened to me that I should come back looking so unfeminine, after she had spent so much energy bringing me up to be a girl. I gave up after a while and went to my room.

The next day I hoped everything would be back to normal, but before he went to work, father came in for a word. Mother had had a bad night being upset at my return, and she was now adamant she had two sons and a daughter. He left wishing me luck. I eventually plucked up courage to go downstairs, but was meet with a mother upset that I persisted in dressing like a boy, I made an excuse and went out to see how my friend Neil had fared at uni, not intending to return until late. It was dark when I returned, and father was home. He was looking out for me as I arrived, he had a proposition for me, to help mother we go along with her fantasy and let her see a daughter, apparently she had been really upset at me dressing like a boy, and then going out. I was not keen and objected saying that I only had my own clothes. Father had already thought of this, we were going round to my brothers where Jill (my sister in law) would sort me out with clothes so I could return as Lauren. I suppose I was still young enough to do as I was told and just accepted that he knew best.

Jill had already sorted out a jumper and trousers, they were definitely ladies clothes and I was not sure this was right, but father was in a hurry to go home so I changed and followed him to the car. To my relief it worked, mother was as I remembered except she kept calling me Lauren, but we chatted like before and I forgot about the clothes, happy to be at home.

Next morning I got up as usual and drifted downstairs for breakfast, only I had dressed in my T shirt and jeans, and when mother saw me she had a face which expressed the disappointment she did not need to say anything, I ate and went round to Neil's where I stopped until the evening. Neil had been my best friend for years, and as this was the first time we had been apart and so it was not a surprise we had plenty to talk about, although there was one subject I could not mention, even if we were close. At home I got a cold reception, and went to my room, to hide more than anything. Father after a suitable pause came for a heart to heart, this was distressing him to see his wife so upset, and there was no other solution he could think of, he wanted me to dress like a girl. I had only been home a few days and felt it was no way to carry on. What about therapy I kept on suggesting, he said he had tried but she refused to see anything was wrong, if I would play the role it might calm her then he could get help for her, and maybe sort things out. All I could offer was to think about it, and said I would talk to Jill and Bruce about it tomorrow as it was by then too late.

So in the morning I crept about, rang Jill to see if she was working, she was on a late so I went round but with only an hour before her shift started, I had to get to the point. She had seen this coming for weeks, it was no surprise when I borrowed the clothes, and father had already talked to her and Bruce about what to do, and they had tried talking to her, to no avail. Ultimately only I could make the choice, if I went along with being a daughter at least for the holiday then something might get sorted in the new year, but for now I had their support. Adding 'I don't know what you are getting into, it's up to you to work out if you can handle it' so that was about it, there was support but it was my choice. I asked if I could spend the afternoon there and see Bruce later. She agreed and went to work, while I mulled over the options.

Unfortunately Bruce only repeated what Jill had said, but I could tell our mother was a concern to him, and was really worried, if anything he hoped I would give it a try. I then rang Phillip my other brother who had moved away, he had seen mother a month ago, and felt rather helpless being so far away, but if I gave it a go he would also support me. It seemed the balance was in favour of pleasing mother short term, then get her some help and everything goes back to as it was. I made my decision and asked Bruce to be more open with the help, which turned out to be Jill's job as she is female and a little smaller than me. I went of home knowing I would have to sneak in, but also wondering what the next day would bring when Jill called round.

I had not slept particularly well since getting home, but that was not a good night, I just kept on going over the reasons for taking this action, and trying to convince myself it was right. In the end I decided to dress up while in the house, but would change to go out, realising this would mean a bit of sneaking about, but I felt I could keep something of my own life this way.

Jill turned up as arranged; she had a holdall full of clothes. Soon I was in my room stripped off in front of my sister in law, not something I ever expected to happen. She had obviously given this some thought, and was able to convince me easily that it was not just a case of swapping jeans for a skirt. The collection of Jill's cast offs were spread around the room, and I was soon persuaded into a white blouse and a stretchy tartan skirt, I thought that would be fine, but I needed a bra to fill the chest, and tights to make my legs look ladylike and cover the hairiness, I should also get some knickers as boxers in the washing might upset her, she could only find one pair of shoes, strappy sandals which allowed for plenty of adjustment, she assured me the heel was not hard to walk in but I doubted her. Once dressed, she brushed my hair and lacquered it in place. She complimented me on my nice long hair and smooth face, which had been a problem before as I had wanted to shave so I could prove my manhood, for once it was an asset. I thought that was it, but one last thing, she had a bag of make up but only suggested mascara and lipstick for now, that would be enough to high light the lips and eyes, and satisfy mother I was not being a tom boy.

I might have felt a great cascade of emotion when I looked in a mirror, rather I saw me dressed as a girl and feeling awkward, I did look like a girl but I was still me. 'Well Lauren what do you think?' Jill asked, 'odd I suppose, the clothes feel different, my lips taste, my eyes are sticking together and my feet are unsteady. Not to good a start but I've known worse costumes in plays, so I will cope, lets go and see what mother thinks'. We found her preparing lunch, I thought there might be some great response on my entrance, a comment on my attire or feminine look, but she just seemed to accept this as normal, nothing new had happened, this was how things had always been, at least for her. She then offered us some of the meal and sat and talked about allsorts, but not about the absence of Lawrence. The whole experience felt peculiar, because I was dressed in unfamiliar clothes and my mother was relating to me as a daughter, which was different to being a son. Jill left after lunch, and I went to my room, the plan was to study a lot, which meant I would hide away for long periods, then in the evenings slip into the garage and change so I could visit friends as myself.

The studying went fine, when father came home we all ate together as normal, then I quietly went out to see Neil and go for a drink. Creeping back in at about eleven. It seemed to work fine. Jill rang in the morning to check up on me, I was already dressed as the day before, and asked for advice on mascara putting on and cleaning it off, as my pillow had black marks on it. The day was spent in my room only coming out to eat. But the following day Jill promised to call, and she did not say why except to help me get used to being Lauren.

First she was disappointed I was still in the same blouse and skirt, so she sorted through the clothes and hung them up insisting I try them all on when I have some free time, boy's might wear one choice till it drops of their backs, girl's do not. Next she asked if I had got any pants, of course not I replied, so she would take me shopping. I insisted on changing before I left, she called me a coward but accepted; going public was a daunting challenge.

Well I sneaked out and we made our get away in Jill's car, soon arriving at the town centre where all the popular stores are. We parked and set off towards the ladies departments. It was a long time since I had been in the ladies wear section of any shop, and now Jill was intent on buying clothes to fit me I had a feeling everybody must be looking at me. As long as she doesn't hold them up to me for size I will survive I thought. Mercifully Jill picked stuff so it looked as though it was for her, which is what I hoped people thought at least. The basket filled with packs of opaque tights, six pairs of pants (very soft and silky texture), three bras to match the pants and two panty girdles, which Jill said she would explain when we got home. Next she took me too Boots and the cosmetic counters, she discretely rubbed foundation on my hand, and choose a natural colour, followed by all kinds of products to apply to my face, then she picked up a sample scent bottle squirted it on my wrist and asked me to smell it, I blushed and she smelt it, 'somebody might buy you that for Christmas' I let that one sink in a moment before I said 'eh'. We paid and left, but Jill was not finished, 'one last shop, I guess you sleep nude' I nodded 'thought so, now imagine meeting your mother on the landing looking so unfemale, could be a shock', 'yes' I said 'so you need some night clothes don't you' she paused, 'where is this leading?' 'That's obvious I would have thought, you need a couple of nighties. Now what sort would you like to see a girl in? Plain T shirt, long cover all, satin and soft?' my thinking was a little behind Jill's and gave an honest answer when if I had thought I would probably gone for the T shirt, but described a long red satin nightie from a TV programme, and soon we were looking at the sexy going to bed stuff, Jill held one up to herself 'do you like this one?' I had gone sheepish, 'fine I guess' look for your size and we take a long one and a short one. 'Who's paying for all this?' I enquired 'your father of course, it's his idea, so he has to fund it, I assume that's all right with you?' 'Yes, fine just as long as you are not going to ask me to pay'

We got home while mother was out, so getting in was no problem. I went off to change in case mother returned while Jill made some lunch. I emptied all the bags and choose a white set of undies, padded the bra and pulled up the new tights; I picked up the first of the clothes Jill had hung up, a blue dress. Unfortunately I could not get the zip up my back so returned to Jill for advice. The hem was down at the calf and the knitted material fitted closely. After lunch I had a long lesson on dress sense, colours, and what to do with the cosmetics. The blue dress was removed, not with black tights I was told. There was a long black skirt and a pink top. The panty girdle was demonstrated on me as necessary with tight skirts. Then I learnt how to use the make up, Jill leaving me a book to help later, but it was not that different from stage make up, just more subtle and neater. Mother returned mid afternoon, and finding Jill still there asked if her and Bruce would like to have dinner, Jill thought it a wonderful idea.

With the full make up and a long skirt on I was feeling different and could sense myself behaving differently. I still retreated to my room to study until Bruce and father appeared.

As I heard Bruce arrive I realised he had not seen me dressed like this, and had a bout of nerves, but pulling myself together as he had offered support, and I was acting a role. So I acted the role and went to greet him with a peck on the check, he froze for a moment 'just acting' I said and he relaxed. The evening went well, I got used to the long skirt, Bruce got used to calling me Lauren, and father seemed more relaxed than since my return. That night I dressed in the long nightie but its satin texture was so sensual I had trouble relaxing and going to sleep.

I got up late and realised I could now move about the house without dressing, so ventured downstairs for breakfast, mother pleased to see me said nothing about the nightie except how comfortable it looked. I did dress then study for the rest of the day. I would always get concerned when I heard people knock on the door, but they were all for mother and I just wondered what she was telling them about her daughter when everybody knew I was a son.

I had a few days a relative calm, studying and going out at night. One day mother was telling a tale about a friend who she had been telling of my studies and had been greatly offended when the friend had questioned my name, of course you mean Lawrence, was something like it. I envisaged more such awkward moments; just as long as I kept out of them I would be fine.

The Christmas weekend arrived and Phillip arrived with his family, Angela and their two kids. They stopped in the spare rooms, I was over my nervousness after meeting Bruce, and I had spoken to both of them on occasions, so I greeted them with a kiss, they complimented me on how good I looked, and the kids gave me some strange looks, but had been threatened not to say anything to Grandma. They had arrived late so it was the 23^rd when we really saw each other, they both wanted to get me alone and see how I was, then how did it feel, when Jill and Bruce arrived I sensed a conspiracy between the women. It was not until Christmas Eve I found out their plans. For Christmas dinner mother always likes the family meal with everybody dressed up, I even had a suit I usually got out for this occasion, but I was assured this would not do this year. Jill would lend me a cocktail dress, and Angela would give me make over.

They started mid morning, and had me standing in my undies feeling like I was being inspected. First I should immac my legs, and shave the bikini line, my arms being light enough I left them. I washed my hair and Angela blow dried it into a much fuller style which needed gel to hold it, next they tried the dress for fit, it had tight sleeves a round neck and tight bodice in emerald green, then from the waist layers of light green net skirts which fell to below the knee. We all agreed it looked good except I was to big at the waist, no problem say Jill and pulls a corset out which she had needed. So with some complaining I was fastened into this, padding inserted and the dress tried on again. It fitted, next it was pointed out the corset had suspenders so Jill being prepared produced some stockings, even I could tell they were really good, the felt so sensual as I pulled them up my now smooth legs and fastened them on. I realised the whole thing had been planned and just asked them to get on with it, so they did. A pair of high heel sandals, a careful make up lesson, nails polished after being extended with falsies, last a necklace, wrist chain and a couple of rings. I was lead to a mirror and could not believe my eyes. I was used to seeing myself in a skirt, but now I saw a woman, a very attractive woman. 'I think this will do for tomorrow, don't you?' 'Easily, just remember the corset will be tight so eat small amounts, and do not do anything energetic' was their joint response. Then I had to undress, Angela then smirked, 'I've just thought, you keep on crossing lines, you wore a skirt, then you did your hair, then you got your own undies, now you've shaved your legs, and seen how great you can look, how's about crossing another line and coming out with the four of us to the regular pub for our Christmas Eve drink?' I was undoing the corset at the time, 'you are joking, go out dressed like this, well not quite like this' Jill smiled 'go on it would be fun, we've never had a sister in law, and your brothers never had a chance to look after their little sister' they watched for my response as I fastened my bra, 'it's me crossing these lines, not you, what if I'm recognised' ' we'll be with you, and we could go into town to escape the locals' Angela finished with 'think about it, and now you can wear natural tights the blue dress will look good'. They left me to finish dressing, but I knew I would have to be sociable so went downstairs after a while.

They asked what I had decided, which attracted questions from Bruce, he thought it a good idea, it would prove to me how good I look, then Phillip was included, and somehow mother got to hear and added her encouragement, saying I had not been out much since getting home, and it was an excellent idea. Rather trapped how could I say no. We ate and the kids went to bed, then after much checking my appearance, I ventured out of the door. We sat men in the front me in the middle on the back, no escape I joked, but I recognised a familiarity of me sat with the girls, Bruce and Philip at the front, maybe there was a pattern. We entered a bar I had never been in but had a reputation for being lively, I was surrounded to give me support, and once inside drinking white wine I found it easy to talk about the usual family things, as well as mother and myself. They were genuinely interested in how I felt but we did not dwell on it, talking about everything and nothing in particular, as normal.

I could not believe how much I enjoyed myself, it was a real buzz to be dressed so unconventionally, and not be jeered as I had expected. And to be outside with the air on my shaved and tighted legs was totally new. We were not late home, but sat up with a drink until midnight knowing the kids would be up early, and I could not wait to slip my nightie on and enjoy it's satin softness, a suitable finish to a most exhilarating evening,

Like an excited child I woke early and lay awake for the youngsters to drag their parents out of bed. A family tradition is for the presents to be left in the living room by the fire, (who says Santa does not exist) then in the morning we get up and open them before we do anything else. Of course we watched the little ones rush in and excitedly rip into their gifts, then we more gracefully opened our gifts to one another. I had bought CDs or books as gifts, and people usually bought me something similar maybe a shirt from mother or a new pen. I was in for a surprise with every packet. Jill had bought a bottle of the scent she tried in Boots, Angela had bought a book, but one on make up styles and fashion tips, as well as how to be a model, my parents had bought me the same as they had bought Jill and Angela, jewellery a gold neck chain with a matching bracelet, we had a set each but I also had a signet ring engraved inside 'to Lauren our special daughter' they had guessed my size and got it right, I was completely taken aback.

I sat in my nightie, it covered my obviously male body, while I received gifts intended for a woman, my mind switched from pleasure to incongruity and back again many times, it was not until I dressed properly that I began to feel right with the ring and perfume.

The meal had been started very early and everything was prepared, but when my parents suggested going to church I adamantly refused, everybody else went but there was no way I could handle that situation, something about deceit or feeling naked before god. It gave me a little more time to get ready, as the green dress and all it's accessories were difficult to unprepared fingers, but I was ready when they returned. The dress covering the corset and stockings, while the make up book had been followed carefully, then the chains and ring placed in their correct positions. I stood on my heels as I greeted them back home and served them with sherries or coke.

The day continued like so many other feasts, we ate and drank, played with the games, slept and chatted. Only I had the added interest of a skirt that looked great when I stood, but seemed to expand when I sat and all the net went upwards and having to brush it down, a diverting amusement to me, and at times the others. Eventually we all went to bed and slept well into the next day.

On Boxing Day there was an anticlimax, Jill and Angela both took their families to their parents, and left me with my parents. It was quiet and we cleared up the house together. I spent some time reading and taking in the books I had been given, with a little experimentation added for fun. Neil rang to see if I wanted to go out that evening, and I came back to the reality that I was only playing and accepted. In getting ready for the transformation into Lawrence and the change in the garage, I felt a tinge of deceit towards my mother, and a sadness that the fun of the holiday was over. But a drink with lads would be good. I spent the rest of the day at Neil's or the pub, sneaking back in late, to avoid upsetting mother.

The rest of the winter break I expected to continue in the same vein, I would be Lauren at home to please mother, and Lawrence when out so as to be myself. I did take time off studying to check the books Angela had given me, and at times you might find me trying to simulate a walk or stance described, or playing with colours around my eyes, only in the interest of theatre and trying to play a proper part in the home, mother says she never brought me up to wear trousers, so why should I start now I was a student, being a student did not mean going scruffy, and in the situation I was in I obliged by doing as many girly things as I could.

There were two notable breaks from this norm. One fun, the other rather frightening. The fun one came at New Year, Jill and Bruce had tickets to a party and Jill was called in to cover at work, as nearly everybody else on the ward was sick. This created a situation where Bruce had a spare ticket and wanted to know if I would like to go, of course I did not, Jill offered to lend me the green dress, Bruce would be a gent and pay all night, the alternative was midnight with my parents and the TV. Bruce did not wait for an answer, rather he just told me to be ready in fifteen minutes and he would pick me up. Sure enough he was on time, then told mother why he was there, she said it was a wonderful idea. Rather unnerving me by coming to help me collect a few things, she wanted to know what I would be wearing, and gave me advise on how to behave. I bundled my bits into a bag and really wanted to sneak out and change but that was not going to happen with mother watching. I tried a couple of diversions but she did not take the hint, I was left with no choice, I had to step outside in the daylight, and travel in Bruce's car to his house wearing a pink top and black skirt. Felling very exposed being outside I checked nobody was about, then made a dash for the car and sat well down in the car hoping the neighbours were not looking. Bruce was very kind and took a quiet route, but teased me about my performance; he tried to convince me I looked fine I begged to differ.

Jill was going on duty at nine so was able to make sure I was perfect before she went on duty. I wore the green dress with its tight bodice and layered net skirts again, I felt able to do my own make up, using bolder colours than Angela had done at Christmas, Jill styled my hair. Then with my jewellery in place I was ready, Bruce had a very smart suit on looking a gentleman. So Jill saw us off at eight, and we drove a good half hour, most of which I spent keeping the skirt out of the driver's way. Once there I realised this might be foolish, last time I had been out it was in a group, now I was alone with my brother. Nervously I followed him into the hotel reception and were shown to the function room, Bruce introduced me as his sister, Lauren, it sounded funny to hear it in these surroundings, but I let Bruce do the talking, it transpired he knew a few people there and chatted quite happily, while I said I had a sore throat and kept quiet. There was a buffet dinner, plenty of wine, then a dance with one or two silly games, at midnight we all cheered and sang, then carried on dancing. Most of the dancing was old time stuff to suit the majority; luckily we had all been taught waltzes etc as children so as long as I concentrated on being the woman we managed very well. Being held closely was a new experience; Bruce had somehow managed to switch his responses to me so I was a sister and not a brother. He held me close in the dances, would gently guide me with a hand on my waist as we went to dance, as a boy we hardly ever touched, I was surprised that he did it and that I liked the attention. About two I was getting tired, and the corset pinching, so we left. He was full of it all the way home, how nobody realised I was not a real sister, how well I danced, how good I looked. I tried to return compliments, but he made sure I took the credit. Then when we got home I had to ask him to help undo the dress, he then saw the corset and stockings, uttering something like 'bugger me' he just stood and stared, 'if Jill had been dressed like that we would have been home long ago, do you realise how sexy you look, and that's knowing the truth about my little brother' I told him to leave it and help undo the corset. I think he went to bed a little shocked, I went to bed tired and wandering how I get home the next day.

Jill came home about ten, and we were just about getting up, 'you should have borrowed a nightie' Jill said as I came out of the bathroom in a dressing gown I had found. Then over breakfast Jill wanted to know every detail, she smiled as we talked, asking about some people I did not know, I felt worried enough to insist they would not say anything to anyone even to shock them. In the whole conversation one statement left it's mark, Bruce said it but Jill agreed, 'I never noticed before, but with no make up you still look feminine, you have mothers looks and build, I knew you were not a rugby player like me and Phil, but I could go as far as pretty'

Jill wanted some sleep, so I dressed and Bruce took me home hoping again the neighbours would not be looking.

The frightening event happened when I had relaxed into my regular routine, and when the door rang I would make myself scarce, but if you relax too much you get caught out. It was the next-door neighbour Mrs Price, who caught me. I eating lunch engrossed in a book when they walked in, mother had meet her outside and invited her in, I was now unable to escape, especially when mother said 'Lauren be a dear and put the kettle on' I looked at Mrs Price and she at me, then smiled 'nice to see you, Lauren' I mumbled some response and went as bid. Mother left us together for a few minutes and Mrs Price approached me, 'I wondered what your mother was saying, I thought she was confused, do I call you Lauren or Lawrence, I am right aren't I' I felt there was no other way but to be honest, I told her Lauren was for mother's help, and that it was not for me. She explained how mother had been talking about a daughter, and that had confused most people, because everybody knew she had sons, and it was known Lawrence was about. She then wanted to know how mother was, and would her condition improve, she herself had noticed changes in her but did not know her well enough to understand the history of the problem. Then to my surprise she complimented me on my appearance, and told me she had not recognised me at first. I was flattered, but asked her to keep it a secret, which I think she did to her credit, she might be nosy, but not a gossip, thankfully.

That was a particularly worrying moment, and I must have gone white as Mrs Price found me, more worrying though was the fear of friends finding out about my new style of dress, they might not be so sympathetic towards the situation. I had a week left till term started and it seemed an age, I was hiding at home and not going out just in case someone said something, so it was a relief to leave home.

I left all the dresses and underwear behind, and thought of the ease life would offer being able to be Lawrence all the time, but I found myself thinking about the parties, and the textures and sensations of the clothes, and confused myself as I did not know how I should feel. I had done it for mother, and I hoped she would recover, but I had grown to be comfortable in the female role and now missed it. There was no outlet in the drama course; boys were not expected to play female roles as in all male schools, or centuries ago, so I lived as a man until Easter.

 

Easter and summer holidays

The return home was full of anxiety; I had spoken on the phone to family members and they told me mother still called me Lauren, but I was being optimistic and hoped to have things as they were. This hope was shattered when father picked me up from the station and asked if I would mind calling at Bruce's so I could change before going home. Nothing had changed so I agreed, as long as he got a doctor to see mother. My life would be as restricted as it had been last holiday, at least I would get the studying done. I was also anxious that the more I lived like this the more chance of another Mrs Price type incident happening, and that would not be good for anyone I felt. Even with all these negative sides to being at home I did like being with mother, she was lovely, and strangely I enjoyed the clothes and the role she was making me take on.

I was still relieved when we had a visit from a doctor, not our GP, but father said he was someone referred to by our GP. I accepted this and met the man in our home, he wished to see mother and talk to her without her feeling she was seeing a doctor, he would also like to see me and how she reacted to me. I felt this would help move things back to a normal life. He came and had lunch with us, spending time talking to mother. He found out things I never knew, there had been the a miscarriage of a girl, which would have been her first child, there after each with son she had hoped to be a girl, and when I was not she could not handle it, by the time my memory starts she was over the depression, and I just accepted her the way she was. Now my physical presence had gone for a long enough period her reality now included a girl, somehow her mind had flipped me into what she hoped I had been. Once he had seen her he asked to see me alone, he explained the above, then asked how I felt. There were three options, one was to try and treat mother psychiatrically which would mean drugs and time at hospital for assessments, he was not confident mothers reality could be brought into agreement with mine, and the drugs may affect her in other ways. Option two is to be Lawrence, this would mean that she would reject me, I would not be able to see her as a son, as she would be hostile if I insisted on being known as her son, then I would need counselling, and somewhere else to live. Option three he felt I had already taken, that was to meet her reality with a change of appearance by me, this I knew held risks for me, but he went over them again. As he recapped I did wander whose side he was on, we could drug mother, I could be rejected as a son, possibly permanently, or I could fit in with her reality, even if it is different to my reality. The choice was mine, if I left I see a counsellor, but if I stayed he could put me in touch with people used to helping cope with changing gender, but he always referred to me as Lauren and said he thought I was a girl when we first met, so I was not to dismiss the last option on the grounds of it not being physically practical. I could almost tell which choice he favoured, and he was not on Lawrence's side.

A couple of days later I decided on shock treatment for mother, she saw me naked, I did it deliberately, but all she said was to comment on how little my breast had developed, and ignored my genitals, which is not hard as there is not much there anyway, but I hoped they might provoke a response something like 'oh what is that? You are a boy' but nothing happened, even physical truth could not invade her reality. It was the final hope I had of getting back to being a son, now I only had two choices, to leave or fit her image of me. I spent time with Bruce and Jill, and then went to see Phil and Angela, before going back to college. Nobody had an answer except, father would finance everything and they would accept my decision either way, but there was a feeling that as Lauren I would still be part of the complete family, as Lawrence somehow the family would be broken. So with all this I went back to my studies and hoped for someone else, or something else to precipitate an answer, instead of it all being down to me.

In looking for an answer I found a postponement, I was offered a summer job in a theatre near Phil's which I took and stayed with them. But I did need to go home at the beginning of the holiday to drop my study things off, and accepted the now normal role swapping procedure. While I was there father said they felt it time to redecorate my room, as it was still a little boy's room, the same as ten years ago. He said it would only be painted so if I did not like it I could easily repaint it. I agreed without thinking, so when I returned for a week before the second year started, I found a room painted in blue and yellow pastels, with matching drapes (no curtains), new bedding and a dressing table with a stool, by the side of a big cheval mirror. It was a girls room, if I had thought I would have seen it coming, but I did not object I had come to the acceptance that I wanted to be with my mother and if this was the way to do it without hurting her then I would be her little girl. How I would cope long term I was not sure as there was no way we could keep it secret forever. As if to underline that Mrs Price called round and I stayed instead of running upstairs, the future would have to be considered, but not yet I hoped.

2 nd Christmas holiday

I went away for a term of being a lad, little knowing what was brewing for me back at home. Father picked me up from the station in December, and we went to Bruce's so I could change as I expected. It was the welcome at home, I knew about the decorating, but my room now had a fragrance to it, and an overall female feel to it, and it did not feel wrong which surprised me. A more worrying event happened after I left in the summer, Neil had called to borrow a book I had told him about, he asked for Lawrence first and was blanked by mother, when he mentioned this to his mother, she suggested asking for Lauren, and hey presto he was in, and she found him the book. The effect of this was felt when I met Neil a day after coming home, I had sneaked out and had been round at his house for a while when the subject came up. He caught me unawares with his questions, he wanted to know why I always came to his house or the pub, never inviting anyone home, why I was behaving oddly, and why he had had to refer to me as Lauren to get the book. This was the first time I had really been confronted by the dual role I now had. I must have blushed then gone white as I thought what to say deny or be honest. Neil had know me since juniors and he sensed my distress, we had always been a couple of gentle souls, not for the rough and tough, and we were used to being teased and bullied and understanding the other, now that bond showed. He went to make a drink whilst he left me to rally my thoughts. Denial I discounted as he already had strong suspicions something was odd, so I went with can you keep a secret line, which I knew he could. I told him almost everything about mother, about the lines I had crossed on the way and a little of how I felt. He sat taking it all in prompting as necessary, then when he sensed I had finished he asked if he could call and meet Lauren. I was reluctant at first but he persuaded me to go home and he would call an hour later.

This was a worrying hour I had difficulty deciding what to wear and how much make up, in the end I chose the stretchy red tartan skirt and polo jumper with light make up but enough to emphasise the fact there was make up, and a pair of heeled courts. I was still fussing when he called, he asked for Lauren, mother said how nice it was to see him and why did he not come round any more, then she called me, I met him in the hall and took him to the lounge. His face was a picture, total disbelief he swore if he had seen me outside he would not have recognised me. Later I decided to show him my newly decorated room for his opinion, he approved of the colours and said it suited me, and then fortunately he had to go. That was enough for one day, it had been quite stressful, and I retreated to my room to find some peace.

Neil was now full of his new found secret, he rang and asked if he could call, he wanted to ask me some questions. I could not retreat now and waited for him with a sinking heart wandering where this might lead, and just when I thought I had got me head sorted out as well.

What he wanted was to see if his eyes had let him down, but he was again stunned (his word) at how good I looked, then he wanted to know everything about how the clothes felt, how I felt, how the role felt, how long the secret double life would continue, finally he asked if I was comfortable and enjoying the role. I tried to be honest as far as I understood the answers myself. Then he said he wanted to prove to me how good I looked, that I was not a grotesque man in a skirt, he insisted he call that evening to take me into town to a bar both of us knew but were not known in. I wished I could have said no, but he was so keen and I wanted to know if I was able to go out dressed. I spent ages dressing; I was immaculate having done everything I could think of at least once. He pulled up in his mother's car, and had made an effort himself, it took a tremendous effort to leave the front door as I was shaking so much, but his enthusiasm never waned, he took my arm and lead me to the car, I remembered the times out with my brothers and knew I had coped well then, so I could again. The cold air was fresh on my legs making the car very cosy, when we arrived after a halfhearted attempt to change Neil's mind we left the car and walked to the bar. I said if anyone as much as stares at me I was off, we found a quiet corner, Neil bought us drinks and I waited to be stared at or someone to make a comment. After an hour I was enticed out of the corner and into another bar, then into a club where we could dance but I had difficulty thinking of dancing with my best friend. In the end we left for home, Neil had won, people had looked but no more than Neil or I looked at other people, Neil insisted people always look at a pretty girl so it would be strange if nobody had looked, and I agreed he was right, for the first time accepting I looked like a pretty girl, that was another line crossed, acceptance that I looked fine and not a freak.

The week before Christmas was a usual mix of sneaking out to do shopping or see friends, but now Neil knew he would call, and twice enticed me out in the evening for another drink in town. The buzz from going out with Neil was very nice, and Neil seemed to like the recklessness of being with me, I supposed we liked being different and daring people to challenge us, except the last thing we wanted was to be challenged, if we were ever suspected we would have run a mile.

As the family would gather for Christmas day I did wonder what would happen when Phil and Angela arrived, they had not seen me dressed for a year, how would they take it?

I need not have worried, they could see mother was well, and upon questioning realised I was fine as well. We decided to go out again on Christmas Eve only after Neil called he got invited as well. It was amusing to see his face when my niece called me auntie Lauren.

I had bought a pink skirt and top from a catalogue and had saved them for this outing, along with a ¾ coat I felt wonderful, the first clothes I had bought for myself, Angela had expected to give me help but she was pleased to see I had got to know a lot in the year, her only suggestion was to pluck my eyebrows thinner, which I promised to consider. Once we were all ready we left for town, I had been in a few of the bars and pubs now so felt easy walking around, what was interesting was how Neil behaved when I was with Jill and Angela, I had not noticed but I played a more feminine role when I was with them. I was copying and being encouraged, and my brothers being so masculine took on Neil as a bloke, this made us respond to each other differently from before when it was two friends out for a drink, Neil felt he ought to have held my hand or something when my brothers were with their wives, and when we went to a club we both were left as they went to dance, and we felt we should be a couple. At the time it felt odd stood together looking like we ought to be much closer and something that we were not.

Well the Christmas Day meal was as much fun as usual, Jill leant me her green dress once more, and I tried to do it justice. I hoped to give more appropriate gifts this year; I bought silk dressing gowns for Jill and Angela, and silly ties for my brothers. In return they gave me some surprising prosthetic breasts and some new bras and pants to go with them. Angela in particular wanted to see how they looked and I promised to try them later. So after we had eaten and tidied up, as some went for a walk or fell asleep, I went upstairs to change, I tried to be alone but Angela and Jill noticed I was missing and came to find me undressed and reading the instructions. They had adhesive pads or a type of superglue to stick them to me so it was a case of working out where to place them, how long I wanted them to stay on for, and how I should remove them. After much playing around they were stuck in place and I could feel their weight pulling on my chest, I quickly refastened the corset to find they are much larger than the foam shapes I had been using, they were in fact a size D, the argument being they were wanting to give me as good a figure as possible and a good chest is important. They certainly filled out the dress an added to the visual effect of the narrow waist.

Neil came round in the evening with a gift, he was a picture when he saw me, eyes nearly popping out, and when Jill told him I had stockings on as well it was not hard to see he was getting excited. Very nervously now he gave me the gift, I had only given him a CD, he gave me the sort of thing you give girlfriends, matching camisole and French knickers, we both blushed and he said it seemed like a good idea at the time, and he meant nothing by it just fun. We invited him in and had an enjoyable evening playing with the kid's games. When we finally went to bed, I was faced with what to do with the breasts, and because I would be putting them back on in the morning I felt it easier to sleep with them on, as long as I did not sleep on my face and squash them I should be alright. So with a nightie now filled at the front I went to sleep feeling the weight of breasts for the first time.

On Boxing Day, before Phil left for Angela's parents, we went for a walk with his kids; I was even brave enough to go out as Lauren. As we ambled about the paths he opened a new can of worms, he asked how I thought Neil looked at me, was I attracted by men, and was he right in thinking I was becoming more Lauren than Lawrence. I hesitated on all the questions but they did crystallize in my mind some things that I had started to think about myself. I kept myself busy the rest of the day, and when Neil called told him I was busy, really just avoiding him.

I had another day of introflection, then on the following day Jill asked me to go to the shops with her, I felt it would be fun and reckless, she was a little surprised when I was to go in a dress, but she hardly turned a hair and drove us to a shopping mall some distance away. This was a thrill, we went into shops, I looked at clothes we had lunch, generally I did all the things I hated doing with girls, but now I enjoyed it. I did not have the nerve to buy anything but the challenge was set to do so and soon.

When we got back I returned Neil's call, I felt I wanted to know how we felt about each other. He came round and the talk got round to what I was wearing, and what he thought would be nice, I boiled it down to short and sexy, fairly typical male I thought, but on your best friend, did he really want to see me in that style? I suggested we go out for a drink later on, sent him on his way, then after dinner found the shortest skirt and tightest top which was not hard now with a pair of whoppers on my chest, the highest heels and boldest make up, I would have worn stockings but they came to low for modesty, all covered up with the coat I was ready to test his response. I kept the coat fastened until we were in a bar, he became all protective when I opened the front and he saw how much leg was on show, I was a little surprised at myself but it was for his benefit I told myself. When I took the coat off later he leant over and whispered 'I've never been seen with anybody so good looking, I cannot believe it, if only you were my girlfriend' I did not respond but kept it in mind for future reference.

The next day I spoke to Jill, I could think of no one else to confide in, telling her of the previous nights events and responses, and asked if she thought Neil fancied me, the reply was unexpected, how did I feel if he did fancy me, something I had not considered was how I felt about being in a sexual relationship, I only looked at how people saw me. How did I see Neil, or any blokes for that matter? Then Jill asked if I would like to go to a New Year dance with them, I said it would be nice, then suggested I needed a partner, as she was definitely going with Bruce this time, I dithered and she said she would ring Neil for me, and ring me with the answer, fifteen minutes later she rang to say she had two tickets, and Neil would pick me about eight on the evening.

I hardly had time to reflect on the implications, when mother appeared at my door, 'Jill tells me you are going to a dance, I would like to treat you for being so good to me, please come shopping with me this afternoon.' I had two days to the party and maybe she wanted to buy something special.

My assumption was right, there is a shop she particularly likes to buy from, but they also have an agency, so she had rung in advance to see if they had anything suitable for her daughter, this fortunately forewarned the owner who knew her well, and had noticed how the offspring had changed. I was greeted with courtesy, and a whispered word of understanding, 'don't worry we have sussed out the situation, and will kept you private' I thanked them and we were lead into room at the back. The whole experience was thrilling, the owner kept bringing clothes, encouraging me to try them on, offering an opinion on them all, but most of all she made me feel special, I know she was after a sale but that did not detract from the fun. I finally picked a yellowy gold dress; it had a high neck, no sleeves, built in bra cups, a bare back from the collar to the waist, a skirt that was tight around the hips but long with a split up the front. We then went looking for shoes and a clutch bag, I was nervous as we entered the wide world, but mother's confidence did for both of us. She initially wanted to find gold but we settled for white.

All done and tired from walking about in high heels for so long we headed home. We hung the dress up, and discussed make up and hair styles, not something a son usually talks with his mother about, she went of to phone someone, returning saying tomorrow would be busy, her salon could squeeze us in. This meant little at the time but by the following evening would have made a dramatic change to the future.

Almost as soon as I woke I looked at the dress, I had it for a week and could not wait for New Year's Eve. After lunch mother drove us a few miles to her salon, they knew her well, and when she introduced me I knew they knew the situation. Mother wanted her hair washed and styled, but she had more plans for me, my hair had not been cut for a year and just reached my shoulders, her and Sarah the stylist talked about me rather than with me, mother said it was a shame my hair was short and non descript brown, Sarah offered to change all that if we wanted, she showed colour charts, then photos of models, I was taken with a pretty picture of a long bob in a very light brown, not thinking Sarah would say if you have the time, then we can do that. In disbelief I looked back, mother just told her we had plenty of time. My head was fussed over for ages, the hair extended and recoloured, then styled. And while all this was going on, a girl called Helen came to do my nails, but with having to keep my head still for along time, it was some time and four fingers into the job before I saw she was adding acrylic nails that were at least double the normal cut length, but it was a bit late to object and the pampering was nice. After hours we emerged, my hair now fell both sides of my shoulders brushing the top of the breasts and moving very freely, my nails were long and polished pink, becoming more obvious to me as they stopped my fingertips touching things I expected to touch.

Father was at home when we returned, with a big grin on his face, 'Lauren, I hope you don't mind I've booked seats at the theatre' mother did not wait for my answer, just told him to prepare some food because we were off to get ready. She disappeared into her bedroom, and then called me to ask which dress to choose, she had three evening dresses, we picked a full long blue dress that swished a lot. Then she told me to go and get ready but to leave the dress off just incase I spilt something on it. With great care I did my face, made sure the breasts were secure, and taped myself backwards and used a panty girdle for extra concealment. When it came to the dress itself I had to ask for assistance as the nails got in the way, the buckles on the sandals only just working for me. Father had his best suit on and complimented us both before escorting us to the car and onto the theatre. The play was nothing special, and not one I would have gone to from choice, but the exhilaration of being out in such a lovely dress with gorgeous hair, and feeling the warmth from my parents, we went to a small wine bar for supper after and enjoyed every minute of being so glamorous. The anticlimax was getting home and having to undress and trying to sleep after such a high, but I did eventually.

Late next morning I was having breakfast in my nightie, as I had become accustomed to doing, when father appeared, he was usually gone to work and he had never seen me just up before. 'Last night was good wasn't it?' I agreed, then he continued 'you enjoyed yourself didn't you?' not waiting for a reply 'you seem to be less hostile to being a girl now, I guess you did not realize how pretty you were' he paused ' I can afford to spoil you, you know. If you want I could give you a clothes allowance, and pay for the other things which you never had to think about as a boy, but now have to be considered.' all I could think to say was 'that would be kind' but somewhere at the back of my mind I felt I was being manoeuvred by him, I just was not sure if I should let him.

Neil called later, he loved the hair and the nails, and my eyebrows had had a few more hair extracted. I enjoyed telling him about the theatre, and the new dress. The conversation moved on, and then out of the blue he said 'you will have trouble going to the pub with those nails and long hair you know'. In all the excitement I had forgotten the implications for the future, I acknowledged that if I went out now I really had to do it as a girl, then he listed the things which had changed, hair, nails, eyebrows, shaved legs and arms, he missed one thing, breasts, he did not understand so I undid my blouse, his eyes were starting to stare, then when I undid the bra I could almost see his trousers move, 'see they are fixed, it takes a few days to come off easily'. He was not really listening to me, 'do you wear knickers as well' I asked him if he thought anything else would do. 'You just don't realize how splendid you look,' I blushed 'are you going to stay like this for good then, or just for now?' I asked him which he would prefer, he confessed that Lawrence was his best mate, but as Lauren it was getting difficult to think of me as a friend like Lawrence, he was being confused by having the image of a girl he would really fancy if she was available and real. We then circled round the subject of why he had not really had a girlfriend, and why I had split up, and onto sexuality. We were very honest with each other, but I found myself thinking as Lawrence but behaving like Lauren, now I was confused. We concluded nothing, there was no point at which we said 'that's how it is' rather we would talk as though we meant somebody else, the 'I have a friend' sort of statements. After an afternoon of being honest, but not understanding anything more about each other, or ourselves, we parted. Neil said he should be able borrow his father's Mercedes which would compliment the beauty I would become, 'can't turn up in an old banger can we' he insisted.

New Years Eve I was so excited, I wished Neil or myself had made our minds up as to how we felt about each other, or maybe we were avoiding rejection by not actually taking the friendship into new areas. Anyway besides wanting Neil to take the lead, I had a day of making sure I was perfect. It started in earnest in the afternoon, mother styled my hair, it was so soothing to have my hair brushed, I was shaved and thoroughly checked, the breasts were checked, and glue packed just in case. Whilst I was swaning around in just bra' pants and a dressing gown, the belt became untied in front of father, and like a girl I hide myself, as Lawrence I never bothered to be modest, and as I sat down later I considered how this role was taking over, that response had been instinctive not considered in any way. I could not decide if that was a good thing or not. Well after all the water treatments it was time for make up, I took great care to get everything perfect, the eyes, the lips, the blusher, then I recoated the nails. Only the dress left, but that would wait until the last minute if I was sensible, but I was so excited I had to wear it. I removed my underwear, and was looking for clean knickers when I saw Neil's present and slipped on the French knickers, then I stepped into the dress fastened the collar behind my neck, rearranged my breasts and slipped on the shoes. I was ready, the feel of the dress against my skin, the legs in particular was lovely, and I could feel the breasts moving about in a most natural way, I presented myself to mother who approved greatly, leading me into her bedroom, 'here this is for you' she passed me a ring 'it was your grandmother's' I looked at it, there were two really matching wedding and engagement rings, she pushed them onto my right hand, then we admired them. 'Those are to keep, but you can borrow these and gave me a handful of gold bracelets, and a gold ladies watch. I put them all on and played with the bracelets, they seemed to be constantly moving there were so many of them.

I sat and waited for at least an hour but he was not late, and arrived in the Mercedes and wearing a suit. I met him at the door to stop mother inviting him in, he grinned 'your carriage awaits Cinderella, you shall go to the ball' I smiled back 'you look smart' 'not as good as you, you are beautiful' he replied. I kissed his cheek 'thank you' I whispered in his ear. I picked up my coat and bag and we left.

We met Jill and Bruce in the function room, they had saved us seats, Jill was lovely in the green dress I had borrowed last year, 'Bruce insisted, he said something about seeing this dress in a new light' Jill told me later, I asked if she had the corset and stockings on and smiled. I spent plenty of time with Jill because I would not go to the toilets alone. It was at such a moment Jill asked how Neil and I were getting on, I shrugged, she said she had been watching him and he could not take his eyes of me, I suggested she was mistaken but I knew she was not. We all danced and ate and drank till we had had enough, I danced with Neil and Bruce, but the way they held me was different, Bruce held me as a dance partner, Neil held me just that little bit closer, and I him. A few days later Neil told me Bruce had told him he saw nothing wrong in us being together, in a way that meant he had no prejudice about my new look, or us having a relationship, and that he should get on with it before some one else moves in. I could guess when this happened because he started leading me to dance by holding my hand, and the holds got closer. At something like two o clock, we made our excuses and left, I linked his arm and as soon as we were out of sight I kissed him, and I don't know how but we made the kiss a real one with real passion, like I had never kissed before, he responded and we held each other tight. A magical moment. As we held one another I could feel my crutch straining at it's controlling tapes, I was used to it getting excited when I had worn certain things before, or even in exciting situations, but know the tape was being well tested, I just hoped it held and did not embarrass me with an unsightly bulge. I pulled away not sure if this should be happening, Neil took my hand and walked me to the car, he opened my door like a gent then got in his side. We drove back in silence, the shock of what we had done stunning us both. As we neared home I had to say something, 'what do we do now?' I asked, his hand came across touching mine, 'would you like to try again?' he was not answering but getting agitated. 'Stop the car' I commanded, he stopped safely then I leant over and kissed him, again there was the same electric between us. I pulled back 'I think that answers our questions' he pulled me back to himself 'I think it does, you keep on being Lauren, that will suit me just fine.' Holding each other we relaxed, 'lets go home' he suggested, 'whose?' I asked 'there's nobody home at mine' he offered 'lets go there then'.

Within minutes we were on the drive, and we entered like teenagers trying not to let go of the other. 'Do you want a drink?' 'I think a big vodka if you are having one'. We eventually disentangled our bodies a couple of hours later, the tape had survived, as had the dress. But Neil had a tell tale damp patch on his trousers to let me know he had enjoyed himself. He then walked me home, passing several people on the own way home from their parties, nobody gave us a look, except one friend who acknowledged Neil but not me, as he had not recognised me. After a long doorstep kiss I went to bed very excited but exhausted.

About midday Jill called round, she wanted to know what happened, and I wanted to know if the green dress was a hit. We told each other everything, then very directly asked if I was a virgin, I blushed, she guessed I was, and Neil, I did not know for sure but I thought not. Then she pointed out that for now I would have to remain a girl, a boy would not have long polished nails, breasts, narrow eye brows or such a long hair cut, some things I could cover up but not those, so my sneaking off times were over for now. Jill then hoped I would make the most of my new identity, buy clothes, go out, enjoy the new identity, and maybe see how Neil wants it to go. I assured her that the amount of effort that had gone into making me look like this, I was not going to throw it away at least until the new term started.

It was raining so I decided to make my first walk from home alone with the aid of an umbrella to hide behind. I would walk to Neil's then walk back, not to far, nice and easy. There was no problem, I turned the umbrella towards anyone and was soon at the door. He was certainly pleased and surprised to see me, though we started off as if nothing had happened the previous night, we sat with a coffee and talked until I had to come to the point, 'I like being Lauren, and until the end of the holiday shall look like this, now what I would like to know is, do you want to be a part of it?' he looked back at me a little stunned 'I am surprised you need to ask after last night, I was hanging back so as not to come on strong and upset you, this is really all new to both us'. So we agreed to be honest with each other, and free to ask questions. So started a long evening, I wanted to know if he had sexual experience, what sort of clothes he liked me in, what sort of things we could do together, or where we could go. He wanted to know how I felt, how far I would go sexually, what sort of clothes I would wear, how public I dared to go.

We spent three happy days while his parents were away, going round the shops, visiting bars in town, nothing close, and watching television until late then walking home. If we bought some clothes he always wanted me to show him when we got home, I did not mind because I would not use the changing rooms, and having Neil there meant he could do the talking. We bought mainly underwear, but one skirt (the shortest Neil could find), a fresh nightie, and a pair of trousers, and very high stilettos, again to please Neil. Money was no object, father seemed keen to be generous so I took it and enjoyed it.

The sexual side developed as well as the wardrobe, on the day we bought the mini and the stilettos, I promised to wear them that evening, he dropped me at home to get ready, I found his camisole and knickers, and with stockings expected to please him. We went to a bar then a club, we danced a little but the shoes were a bit too much. We ended up back at his house, watching late TV and entwining our bodies, when he started to undress me, the blouse first then the skirt, not to be out done I insisted he do the same, then we really got excited. It was apparent he was enjoying himself, and I still am not sure why but in the excitement, I knelt before him and took his dick out, it did not take long for him to cum and then sink to the floor. As we lay on the floor together I had a definite sense of crossing one of those lines, I just wondered how he could satisfy my own aching genitals and me.

I also had a few public outings in this period, I had grown comfortable walking to Neil's, I had met Mrs Price, but everything else was in secret. One day I added another person to that list, Neil's mother, she came home unexpectedly and found me drinking a coffee in her kitchen, after a careful look, more an examination, she asked my name, I said Lauren, Neil came to my defence and explained who I was, then she sat down and wanted to know about mother and me, about how I coped, and how pleased she was Neil could still see me as a friend. This did make it possible for me not to be secretive with Neil's parents, his father seemed sceptical about me. I got braver about being out though I never went out to be seen, there were times when I passed people I knew, had a worried moment then a flush of calm as they went past.

And so the holiday continued, some trips out, time spent with Neil or at Jill's, but mostly it was my studies that benefited, my room being a most comfortable place. Mid January I had a final fling before going back to uni, I went for a day in town with Jill and mother, then in the evening I wore a tight skirt and short top to excite Neil, and we had a night in a club dancing and being affectionate. It all ended to soon, and in the morning had to get ready to return to being a bloke, the nails came off, the breasts removed, I found the jeans and jumper, and was thinking of going to a barber but decided the hair was far to good to loose, so I put it in a pony tail and hoped nobody would make a big thing about it. Then with my bags packed I was ready to travel, it just felt so strange to be dressed that way after so many weeks in a skirt.

One big plus to returning to my course was that, the terms unit was on costume and design, needless to say I was far more interested now than I was at the beginning of the course, and took great interest in the making as well as the great variety of styles. The end unit assessment being to select styles suitable for three different plays, a pantomime, a period play, and a futuristic theme. All were fun to do and I enjoyed it immensely, such a pity it was only a small part of the work. In the final year I can spend more time on it I was told, I hoped they were right.

Easter holidays

The Easter holidays had a surprise, as all my returns seem to have. This time after father had picked me up at the station, and I had changed he locked my bag in the boot, and dropped the surprise, mother had been tidying my room and found some male clothes, this had lead to difficult times, so he had been in and cleared the room, leaving only Lauren's clothes. How could I sneak out, and meet anyone but Neil. I felt trapped, and asked if I could hide some clothes in the shed. He said he did not want to run the risk of mother finding out, and besides after the last holiday I would have no problems going anywhere as Lauren. Once home I quickly retreated to my room to find it exactly as I was told, every trace of Lawrence had been removed.

Next morning I rang Jill for her advise, she was surprised at their actions, but suggested I take advantage and ask for a clothes allowance, a hair appointment and the use of a car. Then take some lessons in deportment and voice coaching, show them they are not overpowering you, but meeting the challenge. I made a lame attempt to say I hoped mother would soon have me back as a son, but I was sat in a very nice nightie at the time and I did not really convince myself.

I asked mother if I could use the car, to my surprise she agreed, then I asked if I should have my hair trimmed, and she rang the salon to make an appointment for that afternoon. I almost knew that if I asked for an allowance, father would say yes. So I went for my appointment and enjoyed the pampering of a salon. Then once home I filed my nails that had now grown to a length that was unusual for a boy. I had already sugared my limbs and glued the breasts onto my chest. I was now ready for the finishing touches, eyebrow plucking and full make up, and then it was of to see Neil. What took me unawares was how much I relaxed, and felt comfortable once I had finished dressing. I left my legs bare and wore a long soft skirt so I could feel the texture on them.

I was feeling quite excited about meeting Neil and resuming our friendship, but it took a while before he grasped the situation that I was enjoying myself, and that due to circumstances beyond my control, I was not able to go out as Lawrence during this break. Full of enthusiasm I suggested we go out and visit places taking risks, but I wanted to see how well I could be accepted, at the back of my mind I was thinking if mother did not improve could I live like this all the time, and lurking deeper in my mind was the thought that even if mother did want a son back, would I be happy to give that son back to her.

We sat around and suggested places to go and things to do. Neil's ideas got dafter as we continued. By the end we had several easy ones, like going for a walk at different locations, such as parks, shops, etc. there were a few evening places, see a film, watch sport, obviously we could go to pubs as we already had, but how about a country pub or a bar meal, somewhere we never thought of going before. The daftest was going swimming, I just felt the costume would be too revealing. The most daring was to visit the local pub and meet our friends, Neil had said nothing up to now, and maybe he could feel the temperature before I went in. But one we both fancied and were keen to do was to go away for a weekend.

I put the idea to father as a learning exercise, it would help me to get used to being Lauren away from home, which would make it easier to move about if I had to dress as a girl all the time. Father seemed surprisingly enthusiastic about the last comment, not only did he offer to pay for an Easter break holiday, he made a booking, but also asked if I would go to see the doctor who had seen mother before. He had been to see her since and had said he saw no change in her, and had asked how I was coping.

Two days later, father drove round to his surgery, I was dressed as Lauren, but there was no choice really. The doctor saw us both then asked father to leave. He took some blood, asked questions about how I felt I was coping, he seemed pleased with my appearance, and was most interested about Neil. He had a challenge to set me, in that if I wanted to take the role further then I would have to go completely public and face the possible problems it may create. On the other hand he could suggest various people who could help teach me to act femininely. As a drama student I thought I was doing quite well, but a second opinion would not do any harm. He asked me to go back in a week to discuss the blood results and possible feed back from the specialists.

The specialists were interesting; the voice coach was impressed with how I controlled my speech with only a little advice. A woman I went to see about deportment was something of a perfectionist, but my time with her though not fun was useful. I was shown how to walk, stand; sit, along with how to hold my head and where my hands went. She insisted I come back a week later so she could see how I had improved.

The doctor had spoken to several people when I saw him next, besides those I had seen, who had given positive reports, both saying they thought I could live as a woman if handled properly. The blood test confirmed a low hormone level, and was asked if I would consider hormone supplements which would help raise my voice and slow beard growth, the thought of not shaving, even the little I did, was very appealing. I left with a book he thought would be useful, as it explained the biology of what was being proposed

He also advised taking counselling, which he would sort out, and finding out as much as I could before I made my final choice.

All this fell into the background as the weekend away approached. Neil was possibly as excited as I was; he wanted to know how I would dress, and what sort of things we should do. We agreed on a play and a museum (he was doing history) that very conveniently had a fashion and costume section. Come the morning I took great care to shave all over, secure the breasts and tape the male bits away neatly. I carefully styled my hair so it looked like a star on the back of my head, made up, then choose stockings and satin undies, a nice new dress which had ¾ sleeves, a round neck and knee length hem seemed appealing in deep pink, with black shoes I was ready. I packed enough for a week because I could not decide what would be best. Neil called looking smart and showing off the car keys, somehow he had persuaded his dad to lend him the merc instead of his mum's fiesta. And so the weekend set off well, we drove too York had lunch, looked around then found the hotel, father had booked it through his business but in Neil's name. It would have been difficult to explain that I was Mr Allan, or at least his son. The room was lovely not too cramped, a nice comfy couch, big bed and en suite. We looked at each other then the bed, asked who's idea that was, then Neil pointed out that I was wearing my grandmother's rings on my left third finger, they assume we are married. There was a twinkle in our eyes at that thought, and all evening made comments, and addressed each other with married type words, Mrs Philip was Neil's favourite. The theatre was good, though Neil's hand on my thigh was an endless distraction. After a late drink we went to the hotel, I made it to the bathroom and without thinking cleaned myself up put on a nightie (short black) and wandered back into the bedroom. I am slow at times but it was when Neil called me Lauren Philip as he invited me to join him in bed, that I realised we would sleep together. It started as a cuddle but once I had recognised the situation and was being encouraged in the right way, it was not long before I was allowing Neil to enter me and be my first. I slept badly as I had not come so I leaked in my sleep, making my side damp. I resolved next to come myself before sleeping.

The weekend went too quickly, we visited a museum, the pictures, a theatre and many cafes. We also spent a lot of time in bed. We became sex mad, morning and night, even in the day when I found Neil erect we found a quiet place and I wanked him. I also found that Neil could kiss my end and get me there, or I went to the toilet for relief. Clothes choice was not a problem, just choose the tart look and Neil was happy, though I did go smart to the theatre.

The weekend was over and we were driving home too soon we felt, but stopped in a car park for a last fumble, before we had to start being careful.

The summer term was upon me quickly, and another unit of the course to do. But this term we choose our third year topic, where we specialise in one aspect of drama. I was hoping not to appear over eager to do the costume as it is normally a girl's topic, and you spend a lot of time with the textile art groups, another mainly female group. But in a discussion in the tutor group I said I was undecided, and three of the group told me I had to do the costume, the tutor agreed that I had done well in that unit and I seemed to have a flair there. Later in the union when I had had a drink I asked Mat and Sara why they thought I should do costume. Sara took my hand, looked at my nails then at me, 'sometimes it is nice to have a man who understands how an outfit can change the look, and you do it with yourself anyway' I replied with an oh, she continued 'when you started you were a dull boy, now your style is quite outlandish, the nails, then there was the long hair a bit ago, and you never wear the usual student clothes' I took my hand away and had a drink, 'besides me and Jo want to do costume and we reckon it would be fun working with you, you don't seem to have boundaries, we reckon you would wear anything if the time was right, or suggest a braver idea than the expected'. 'Is that a compliment?' I asked. 'Take it as you like, but please do the costume with us, it will be a fun year'

And so I put my name down for costume design, and spent the next week spending my allowance on female cut trousers, unisex tops which had a more feminine look. If I was seen as eccentric, then I might as well live up too it, and dress in an androgynous style to suit myself.

Last summer holiday

After the exams, and the play we had to produce. The summer was our own, I meet father at Jill's so I could change before going home. Jill did comment on how my trousers had a flat front, then smiled saying it was none of her business, and wished me a good holiday. Everything was normal, all traces of Lawrence were being eliminated, photos had gone, clothes all gone, I even found some little girls clothes that mother had bought hoping I would be a girl. The first things I wanted to do at the start was to confirm my female identity, so I booked at the salon for my hair to be done. Clair did the roots and gave it body with a soft perm. Then with all the feminising touches such as skirts, breasts, heels, and make up I felt more comfortable in the home.

Father and the doctor had sorted out some speech coaching, and deportment sessions, which were fun and though I felt accomplished did learn new tricks, the thing was to remember them and apply them. I also got a job delivering leaflets, I could remain anonymous, while out and avoid to many challenging times. I could also wear pumps, shorts or loose skirts allowing the summer breeze to caress my legs. Neil got a job in a museum for the summer, which meant we did not see much of each other.

Autumn term

The best thing about the summer was the end when I started my third year. Sara and Jo found me to let me know the three of us were doing costume design and wardrobe, but commented approvingly on my hair, the perm obviously had not grown out and asked what I had been doing over the holiday. I could only smile I was not about to tell them I had had a great time as Lauren, but some how I sensed she guessed part of it.

The term was spent designing and making costumes for a pantomime, cat and dog outfits and ugly sisters, all very traditional but we had fun with the students who were to be the sisters. My favourite was the wedding dress; Jo bought one from a charity shop and adapted it for quick changes. The material was satin and lace there was a pang of jealousy as she tried it on and I remembered some of the dresses I had worn and felt uncomfortable being unable to have the choice of trousers or skirts.

Events conspired to change that before the term was over. One afternoon we were busy drinking coffee in the workshop, I think we were making a cat outfit, when the fact that "Rocky horror show" was on in town and I had never seen it, I knew what it was about, and about the childish antics that go with it, the rice and water throwing, not to mention the dressing up. Sara rang and got tickets for the following night. Then Jo started to persuade Sara they should dress as the girls in 50s style clothes. Sara was not sure and made uncertain sounds. Jo then turned her attention on me, how's about Frankenfurter fishnets and a basque, I was tempted but tried to appear diffident. No she agreed, I think you could be less obvious than that, Sara and I looked questioningly at her, then she explained how much fun it would be if I took a less predictable character in terms of what was expected, yes we said, she disappeared into the rows of costumes and came back with a disc skirt on, and proceeded to point out how we could put our hair in bunches, and look all sweet and innocent, and she knew there were three outfits like she had on. Sara and I looked at each other first then at Jo, who was all excited about her idea telling us what fun it would be to go so outrageously dressed. Then Sara turned to me and related a conversation she and Jo had had the week before, they had been discussing why they got on with me, and how feminine I was in appearance and manner, then looked at me very carefully, long permed hair, narrow eyebrows, smooth face, long nails, that nice ring, an heirloom I put in, and where is the lunch pack? It's the way I like to look I lamely replied asking what was wrong in that, nothing she replied but if you go with Jo's idea then I shall also. Jo was now given new enthusiasm and kept on at me telling me how much fun it would be, even if I had not wanted to go along with the idea I am sure she would have worn me down. Having agreed she disappeared to find three outfits, then started asking about make up, and discussing rather inappropriately with Sara about what I should do, I played it innocent, just suggesting I had picked a lot from the course. We went back to the project in hand eventually and subject died away. That is until the next day, we meet after lunch to continue the costume, but Sara was showing signs of cold feet, and not wishing to miss this opportunity told her if I was doing it then she was, adding I had shaved my legs for nothing if we renege. Let's see, ohh that is good, arms as well, yes, ohh. Jo went to sort out the skirts; she bounced back in a twin set, disc skirt supported with net underskirts, bobby socks and pumps. Then announced she had the pastel green, which we could see, Sara would have the pastel blue, and for added effect there was a nice soft pink for me. I said how lovely, but she was on a mission now to make sure we were ready on time even though we had all afternoon, and I knew I could be ready in half an hour, though I dare not say so. Sara and I tried to work, while Jo was asking us to let her brush our hair into bunches or plaits, then try on clothes, or go of hunting something amongst the wardrobe. By six she had us ready, I had a ready filled bra, and not the ugly sister giants she found first, I tried to appear manly, but was told to be myself and stop mucking about, so I let the clothes influence how I behaved, I had no problem with that, I was feeling so comfortable in the skirt with it's layered underskirts and satin outer skirt, the bra did not feel right being just foam, but that aside it was nice to be in a dress again. We had an excellent night; we sneaked out of the college, and found ourselves amongst hundreds of other idiots in the theatre. Still on a high we went for a drink, and then had a burger, ending up in Sara's room and falling asleep on her floor.

I woke up feeling groggy and soon became aware that Sara was watching me, Jo lived around the corner and had slept on her own bed, so it was the two of us and I was being watched. Under the blanket I knew I had female clothes on, and my face had the remains of make up though goodness knows how dreadful it looked. 'Would you like a coffee?' she asked, 'thank you' I managed. I sat with the blanket pulled up not sure why, but it seemed the right thing to do, Sara started reminiscing over the previous night, the show the atmosphere, and eventually the costumes. She matter of fact told me I had no reason to be coy, I looked so feminine she was tempted at one point to shout 'we've got a bloke her' because nobody was looking at me because I did not look a freak like the other drags. In the end she says she just had to accept I appeared to be a woman, and people were treating me as such so she just went with it. I said thank you for the compliment, but I still feel a little silly because I was dressed in a 50s style outfit which even on a woman in the 90s would look odd in the morning. About this time Jo turned up and we went through the 'what a good night we had' again. Then I asked if one of them would go to the workshop and pick up my clothes for me. There was a quick glance at one another and a slight smile, followed by no. 'we want to see what you look like in normal skirts, and whether you are as good in day light' 'please' I begged 'I feel rough and just want an easy life' they offered me an easy life if I agreed, if not unspecified things would make my life uneasy. I tried to look the resigned to it martyr, and asked what had they in mind. Their trousers were too short or tight, so it had to be a dress or skirt that was loose on them, Jo looked through Sara's clothes, and pulled out a micro skirt, 'not for daytime please' they agreed, but the skirt she did hand over was just over the knee and stretchy so it would show every bump, next a knitted top was found and a jacket. 'Do you want tights?' and if you wait I think Janice has your size feet' she returned with sandals, 'I thought the straps would allow for adjustment, sorry about the heel, now you can find out what us girls put up with' and smiled. 'Do you need help with make up?' I said I had a fair idea but they could offer advice. I asked them to go out while I changed, as I was not sure how they would react to seeing me in knickers. I was soon changed and a with mascara, a little eye liner and lip stick I found by the bed I was ready.

They soon returned, and both said 'told you so', when I asked what, they confirmed their thoughts, I was able to pass off being a girl they had thought it for ages and it was nice to see it confirmed. 'OK so I pass the exam, now what. I would like to get my own clothes' Jo then pointed out the difficulties, if we went to my room I would surely be spotted in the halls, if we went to the workshop then other classes would be in progress, she was persuading me it was to risky to go anywhere I could get trousers, rather I spend the day with them. I did ask why they could not go to the workshop, get my clothes, bring them out and let me change in the toilets, to which they refused. I either went on my own or with them. There then followed some odd negotiations, I asked what I got for going along with them, they wanted to know how long I could avoid going out, or being thrown out of Sara's room. What I wanted to know was how far would they go, and how far would I go. I knew I could easily walk out, but they did not. By the end they had offered to feed me over the weekend, allow me to use their bathroom, (much better than mine), and finish the latest costume. All this to see me walk into town, and return to college as it was getting empty to retrieve my own clothes. I felt I had a bargain.

The day went smoothly, like riding a bike, I walked easily in the heels, remembered the feminine posture, mannerisms and movements without thinking about them, I even spoke softly when people were around. The experience of being out with a man in drag was obviously exciting for them, and I played along looking in shop windows and asking their opinion on a dress, or seeing a girl and asking if I could look that good. We had got up so late we only had the afternoon to play with before we went to college for my clothes, Jo went in and picked them up, and I reluctantly went to change.

I left the skirt with Sara and asked what time to call for the meal on Saturday, then left for my room to rest my aching legs.

Saturday evening, and I turned up early, Jo was cooking, Sara was still out shopping Jo said. We chatted, Sara returned we chatted and ate and drank. Once relaxed I was quizzed, I was too good, had I done it before? Would I do it again? Did my parents know? Was I gay? Could they set me up to embarrass an odious student who letches at them and thinks himself irresistible? It was obvious they knew I dressed frequently, and that they enjoyed delving into this hidden side of me. I suggested if they had any reason other than embarrassing me I would consider dressing again, which pleased them.

That was October, and early November I went home for an unexpected weekend, the aim being to collect some clothes for wearing at uni. I had worked out where I could change away from the halls, and the fun of walking in on Sara when she was not expecting me in a dress would be worth it.

I felt so at ease now when at home, I felt disappointed to leave, but with a bag of goodies, and wearing female trousers and accessories for the trip back I felt better. I also returned with plenty of undies and nighties for my own comfort.

I restrained myself on the first day waiting till lectures had finished, only using mascara to make up, and wearing a unisex top and trousers. I went and hid to change, and did a fuller job on the face, changed the shoes for heels, brushed out my hair, then painted my nails so they could dry on the way to Sara's. To say I was elated was understatement; I was showing off and enjoying it. Gently knocking I attracted attention only from her, but when she saw me it was loud 'look at you comments'. She had noticed me at a lecture, and felt I looked a bit different, but this different, no. She insisted on going out for a drink and calling Jo and Mat (her boyfriend). But no problems, I felt at ease in the role and even Mat soon got used to me.

The next day was more difficult, Mat had told one or two friends, who told others and soon it seemed everybody who knew me or had a vague idea who I was knew about the drink the night before, there were sideways looks, staring, even the occasional comment. There were also one or two signs of support from unexpected people who told me to be myself in a hippy sort of way. Others invited me to a gay club, to which I said I would think about. But having controlled my secret for two and a half years, for it to be out was hard and took some getting used too.

Jo came round for a few nights to encourage me out if she could, but it took best part of a week before I went to anything other than lectures I had to attend. Eventually she suggested we get dressed up and go out, and I felt the effort might cheer me up, and I was right. We decided to get ready at her room, then onto a club. I had a shiny mini and top, with heeled sandals and bold make up soon I was ready. Jo had a new pair of trousers and a crop top, but she had dressed in front of me as if there was not man in the room, and I saw the very sexy underwear she had on, and her good figure, she was very attractive indeed. We had a good night then got a taxi back to my room, I invited her in and she accepted, as everybody seemed to know I wore skirts I saw no need to hide and we walked in bravely, but it was late and no one saw us. We were having some vodka I had left, when she sits very close, asks if I am gay again, I reply that she is very attractive, then she says I am attractive too. In what way I ask, and so she tells me she fancies me, has done for ages, does not really like men, but I was so effeminate, and now I look feminine she certainly did fancy me. I muttered something about being flattered, but was tired and fell asleep soon after. I woke up in the morning as she was leaving for a lecture. I had to clean up and change, arriving late. Sara caught up with me later and gave me a hard time about falling asleep, Jo was trying to be open with me, tell me how she fells and I fell asleep. I was told to find her and grovel. I did and told her I was sorry, which was true, I wished I could have stayed awake; nobody had said they fancied me before (maybe Neil, but you could see his intentions when he said it). The conversation grew easier and turned to my few truly female outfits, and that on Saturday we should go shopping, it was an idea I liked so agreed.

She turned up wearing denim jeans and jacket, a cap with her hair tucked inside, trainers, check shirt, and when I looked closely there was a bump in the trousers. I was only dressed in my now common androgynous style, to which she commented on how dull I was. If we were going shopping I should at least have tits, then some make up, jewellery, then heels. At last we were ready, I had meant to show her the works in the evening, but I seemed to have to start earlier. Shopping was an experience, did all girls pick up things and loudly ask what their friends thought, or pick something and virtually push you into a cubicle, then insist you come out to show them. Neither Jill nor Mother had been so loud or embarrassing. In the end we bought a sort of his and hers outfit, a silver trouser and vest, with a matching crop top and mini. Then we looked for silver tights, some body glitter, and silver shoes. This took most of the day and exhausted me, what with the lack of practise walking in heels and nervous energy, I needed a rest and fell asleep on her bed. When I woke I found her cuddled up to me that was nice, then she told me to get ready, we had to give the clothes an outing. She just washed and dressed, I had ages to make up dress and generally prepare, you know how it is, and it was well past eight when I was ready. I had done everything, gel in the hair for volume, and make up for definition, clothes and glitter for effect. We had a good night at a club, which was a new one to us. Jo happily bought drinks, eyed up girls, and watched men eyeing me up, always nudging when one made it obvious. We danced, drank, cuddled and then got a taxi back to her room. She then got very intimate in the crotch area, asked how much I fancied her, I kissed a response then asked her the same, her reply was to ask if I had a working dildo, I was puzzled, of course not in these clothes. Her hand slowly slips inside my knickers to find a restrained stiffness, you have down here she announces and undresses me to the knickers and bra. I then watch as she undresses and climbs on me, the rest you can imagine.

The fun continued, we became a fixed couple and spent most time together. She wanted me to wear skirts and express my feminine side more openly, but I was more cautious wanting to offend no one, and not be embarrassed so I would get dressed up if we were going out special, but for study time it was trousers, although I did use mascara more frequently and wore only female clothes. I had a lovely time when we decided to go to the Xmas dance, Sara and Jo wanted to go in fancy dress as that was advertised. Sara and her boyfriend found some mime artist costumes, and reckoned they would be fun. Jo wanted to be lavish and suggested Fred and Ginger, guess who would be wearing the top hat and tails. We borrowed from the drama wardrobe and I had a wonderful time going along the rails, Jo had to alter her trousers but found a jacket that fitted well, the hat sat smartly on her head. I came out with a powder pink gown, the body was tight fitting, but the skirt and sleeves were made to fill out and float, and with the copious material it flowed with grace. There were some draw backs, my waist was a little to big and I thought we could let it out to my size, but there was no material spare, the alternative, a corset to reduce the inches, Jo seemed surprisingly enthusiastic for me to wear one, we managed to find a pair of pink 4" stilettos, these felt like stilts after my usual high heels. Last of the difficulties was the hair, looking at period photos, I should go for bleach blonde or ginger, my hair was lighter but peroxide? It would also need to be set and lacquered with a big fringe and bobbed neck. Jo meantime had found a cane and some neat brogues. I pointed out how easy it was for her to change, but I had to get used to the corset and heels, not to mention getting used to the hair, blonde we thought would go better with the pink. So on the Thursday I bought a bleaching kit and hid in the bathroom and let it work. I left for a little extra and the result was startling when I rinsed it, I was a beacon blonde, no one would have natural hair this colour. Then on the Friday I had booked at a salon Sara recommended, I dressed in a dress and tights so as to blend in, but Jackie asked if I was Jo's friend and told me how much nerve I must have, then set about the hair. I was curled, and put under the drier, then brushed out and set in place, the fringe was big and would not move, the neck was a little softer, but it was the look I was after and I certainly had it. Jo meet me and I was grateful as I could feel people looking at the outlandish hairstyle I was sporting. Once at her digs I started to make up and dress. Jo had bought a set of white satin undies and white stockings for me. She seemed to enjoy pulling the strings on the corset tight, but it was worth it to see the gown fit so well. Jo then appeared in the top hat, tails, cummerbund, cane, shirt and bow tie, but the shock was the thin moustache, and short hair. She pinned a carnation to her lapel, and fixed the lilies to my hair as Jackie had advised, I pulled a stole over my shoulders and wafted out to meet Sara. She made all the right comments to us, then we made our way to the dance.

There were many good outfits, and some rubbish, it was also easy to spot the drama students, they were the best. I drank babycham, and enjoyed the gown floating around me as Jo lead me around the dances that were suitable for a Fred and Ginger routine. Sara was genuinely shocked at how many people did not recognise us, and got our genders mixed up, not helped by me calling Jo, Joseph. And Jo calling me Lauren. We had a smashing night, walking back in the early morning, Jo swinging the cane, me trying to keep the hem of the pavement. It was some time then that Jo invited me to visit her in the holidays; at her parent's house but only if I came as Lauren and left every male clothing and mannerism behind. I expect it was offered in the excitement of the night, and I must have accepted in the same way, because when I thought about it next day I had never gone for prolonged deceit, people either knew, or it did not matter if they did or they did not, only on the weekend with Neil had I done anything like this. But when Jo called in the afternoon because we had to return the costumes, she asked if I would come before or after Christmas, oh what suits you I said without thinking, straight from here then, leave your stuff here till next term and come and meet my folks, I've agreed it already. Then she told me how straight they were, and how I would have to live as a girl totally.

Well the last week of term was odd to say the least, I was thinking of reasons why I should not go with Jo, but then she would turn up and I knew I wanted to spend time with her. Finally our last day came and I packed my bags, dressed sensibly for a rail journey, and waited for Jo. She arrived as butch as she could, then offered to carry my bag, which was nice. I made some comment about me having to be all girlie and she dresses like a bloke, tomboy she corrected. I let her do all the work, she seemed to enjoy being in charge of ticket buying and train platform selecting, I just followed on like a helpless the female she wanted me to be.

Her parents seemed very nice; I had the spare room, her mum made sure I was comfortable. It was clear I was just a friend, not a partner, but I had plenty of time with Jo who had some criticism for her liking of trousers, I felt it sounded like my house at times some years ago. The days passed pleasantly, then Jo asked if I had any tampon, of course not, well she pointed out all girls do, so she gave me some to leave out for her mother to see, then suggested I try one, or leave the wrapping in the toilet to be convincing. I can only say it was like a little dildo and got me in the mood for the evening.

We were left alone and got up to intimate things, but when Jo's hand strayed up my skirt she found my tackle though excited, taped up as it had been for the duration. So then she disappears and returns with a real dildo, and asks if I know what it's for, next thing she finds the string hanging from the tampon, and tells me she is going to only think of me as a girl from now, I thought it a little hard myself, I had stick on boobs, a taped back willy, and only an arse, but was ready to go along with the idea. She made me open my legs so she could work the dildo, and to my surprise I climaxed, this really pleased Jo and set a fresh level in the relationship, she had reversed the roles in her mind. This became evident when she asked if she could visit my home as Jo the partner, I was unsure as she looked like a butch girl, but a girl all the same. She could come as Jo a friend and see how my parents took her, which she accepted.

The main impact of staying with Jo was that I felt totally at ease in my skirts, and no one saw through the disguise which surprised me at first, but I grew not to even look as the days passed. I had to be careful not to be seen undressed as her parents would go berserk she said, but I kept everything taped or glued in place and thought nothing of it. I felt liberated.

I arrived home in a skirt, which always pleased father, but the freedom of nobody knowing my past evaporated, I was unsure about going out too much, just in case somebody recognised me and caused a fuss. I wanted to be with Jo, for her confidence, affection and I suspect bossiness. But we spent Christmas apart; she arrived on the 27 Dec, and left a good impression on my parents. For the student fancy dress she had cut her hair, since last seeing her it had been cut by a barber, into a very male cut, neat parting, fringe and square neck, she looked like a 5'6" bloke in jacket, trousers, shirt and tie. She introduced herself as Joe, and mother asked if it was short for Joseph, to which she asked to be called Joe, as Joseph sounded so old. I helped her unpack and she made it clear that if I could spend time at hers as Lauren then she would be Joe, even down to the boxers. We could use a car, and went out quite a bit, one afternoon we visited Jill, who by now treated me like a sister, and would chat about men, make up, clothes practically anything but men were avoided, when she met Joe, she said nothing at first was just polite, then quietly pointed out it was ironic I should find a partner the same as me, just reversed. I was shocked and told her it was not my idea for her to be so masculine, but I was told to calm down, I was doing the same just the other way round. Then when Joe came back, Jill asked if we fancied going to a New Year dance, I knew how dressed up these were, and told them we had not got smart enough outfits, Jill winked and said she had the green dress, that I could borrow and the extras if needed, and Joe could go and hire something formal. To which Joe asked for a yellow pages and started ringing round, and as I regained my senses asked Jill why she had to encourage Joe. She then virtually told me off, she called me she, and never referred to me any other way, and I had had to be persuaded at first, but now I expect to be seen as a female, Joe wants to do what you do, don't look down on him. More was said but the centre was, think of Joe as a male.

On New Years Eve we had a busy day, Joe had to collect his dress suit, and I had to get my hair done, I had tried to soften the effect of the blonde, but the roots and general colour was poor. So I allowed Janine to sort me out. Coloured to a light brown, and then styled with sponge padding, to give a swirling spiky effect. Mother treated me to a manicure; needless to say I came out feeling great. I was the last booking so I went straight home to get ready, mother was keen to help and laced the corset for me, bringing me in tight enough for the dress to zip up, which was surprisingly firm, she left me to fix the stockings, but wanted to help with the make up, she assured me she had been reading the magazines and had been trying out current colours, I expected to need to check, and change things after, but it was fine. Then she lent me emerald jewellery, it looked and felt gorgeous on, pendant earrings, a pendant necklace and a ring. Then she was of to see if Joe was ready, obviously checked him out, then gave me the car keys and told us to have a good time, and commented on what a lovely couple we made.

Joe had the works, smart suit, wing shirt, bow tie, cuff links, that father had lent him, and patent shoes. We complimented each other, then agreed we would hate to be wearing the others clothes, which was lucky as I did not want to give up such a special dress, for such a drab outfit. Jill and Bruce took a lift of us and we had a great time dancing, eating and talking. Joe was able to dance the male part with ease, and I did not know if Bruce had been told about Joe, but he said nothing and treated him like a bloke, which I know thrilled Joe. About 2 PM the party started to unwind, Jill had not drunk much so we agreed she drove, but this meant not getting home. No problem, we could use the spare room, fine we accepted.

Once back Bruce made a coffee, and Jill said she was going to clear a space in the spare room. Once alone we found the spare bed to be a double, and hidden under the covers was a satin nightie and vibrator. 'Bruce tells me you will need help undressing' Joe said, so I explained the New Year a couple of years ago, and as I slid the dress off there was a sigh, 'lovely' I then undressed Joe who was in boxers of course, and we used Jill's gift to effect. I was very securely taped so I used it on Joe first, but then it was cleaned and lubricated and the attention centred on me, and no I did not lie back and think of England.

In the morning, Jill asked if we had slept much, then Bruce laughed, and commented on the noise the bed was making. 'Don't know how you do it but it sure sounds like you enjoy it' he said. I just blushed.

Joe spent something over a week with me, and father was making comments about what I would do when I finished the course. Only the doctor wanted to know how I was getting on, and was asking about the future plans. I talked about how I had felt when I stopped at Joe's, and the feeling of ease I felt when dressed. He would smile, and nod. Then one day he asked Joe how serious we were, and how I was. Followed by a question about whether Joe thought I would consider surgery.

Joe and I discussed this, and the friendship moved onto a more serious level, I fancied the idea of implants, and Joe suggested we look for work together, maybe set up home together. This was getting all very definite, and mother asked a few subtle questions, the answers that she relayed back to father. Who then took it as firm that come the summer we were going to live together, and I was going to have implants. Mother then let slip that father was really pleased I wanted surgery, I almost freaked, she had always ignored my male body, now she acknowledged it, followed by 'your father is really pleased you want to be a real daughter'. It sank in that father had been the prime mover in the daughter creation, I felt deceived by him. But Joe got me to be practical, what did I want, and if father would pay then make the most of it. It still left a bad taste, that if I had been left alone how would I have turned out. Joe's response was 'I love you as you are, lets go shopping and buy you a complete new outfit, get your hair done, go out tonight somewhere smart. If he wants a daughter he has to realise they are expensive to keep'

Spring term to finals

Soon we were back at our final studies, but we had become a definite couple now, and at college dressed interchangeably, at evenings we became more obvious in our preferences. Our main pastime, especially when Sara was not around, was to go hunting in the costumes and come out with a couple of period outfits, and dress complimenting each other. Over the term we must have covered every century back to the middle ages. I liked the stiff and formal Edwardian styles, Joe went for anything like a uniform, even armour.

Just before Easter two related events happened to catch me unawares, first I got an appointment with a surgeon who performed implant surgery, with a possible date for the operation, and my tutor asked me in for a private word, because the dean had had a request for my degree to be made in a woman's name. He would have been blind not to see that I was dressing feminine even to college, and he was realising the request did have substance, but he wanted to be sure, and I would have to actually see the Dean for such an unorthodox request. What connected the two was my father, he was setting things up, the doctor, the Dean, and I did wonder what next.

I went to see the Dean, in a skirt (Joe's idea) and he gave me a hard questioning about if it was correct, but he had to accept my life would be easier if I were to live as a woman if my qualification had an appropriate name. The doctor was more matter of fact, he was asked to do a job, various people had supported the operation, he said he would do it after I finished the finals, so I would have breasts for the graduation. Now there was a thought, graduation in a dress, my parents would be proud.

I called Joe and asked her to call round with a hard job. I was going to go through all my clothes and dispose of anything male. Joe could do all the carrying; a girl should not if someone else will. During the clear out Joe suggested all the trousers should go, but girls do wear trousers so why couldn't I, was my argument. Joe accepted but insisted I wear a skirt to college for the rest of the week, reinforce the decision she said, more like please her. But I obliged with suitable skirts for her.

Then it was down to the final study, get the assignments finished, and revise for final exams. This meant little time together for fun, just work. But it had to be done. Eventually the last exam was sat, and all the course work handed in, we were free, along with loads of other students and with them we got embarrassingly drunk. We found ourselves the next morning in our underwear sharing a bed with Mat and Sara. What had we done, fortunately nobody knew for certain, but we were all cuddled up, Sara, Jo, Matt, and me across the bed, with sticky fluids still evident. I had a vague recollection that Jo had said the best person to have sex with is someone of your own sex, because they know best where the G spots are. Which meant Matt and me had done it with Sara watching? Jo later confirmed it had always been a fantasy to get us all in bed and swap partners. It seemed her dream had happened.

Pretty soon after our last night all together, we split up going home mostly, promising to keep in touch, Jo wanted to know if I would like to keep in touch with Matt, when I said that would be nice, she asked if she should be jealous, then smiled and slide a finger up the inside of my thigh, 'jealous, never, we are the couple, you are mine, and I am yours, unless there is fun involved' then she winked and touched my dick. She was right; I would do anything for her/him.

Father had all my life planned from the time I got home, I had papers to sign about change of name and status, and a day to pack before going into hospital. Jo had been insistent on bust size, she wanted a D cup after I refused to have F cups, she wanted to emphasize my femininity, I wanted some comfort, and so D was a compromise Jo would not go below. She stayed at my house and visited at every opportunity, along with the rest of my family. And once I was home wanted to nurse me, but there was competition with my mother for that job.

We also had to find work, Jo had not changed her name or status like me, so had to go for interviews as a woman, which made her a bit prickly and possibly did not help her chances. For me I was coping with a sore chest when reading the newspaper, I saw a business for sale. I showed it Jo who thought it could be good. So I thought the time was right to do some manipulating of my own, my parents had got me to be the daughter they wanted. I used this and a daughter's charm on them to agree to look into this business.

To cut a boring story shorter, the books were good, the position great, and potential excellent. So that September we took the keys to a fancy dress and costume shop, best of all it had a flat, and father had covered all the costs, we were to pay him back out of profits.

Now we could do what we enjoyed, and be the people we want to be. As well as having a shop full of clothes to muck about with doing role-play when we closed the shop up for the night.

  

  

  

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