The Story of Sissy

by Lady Katherine

 

Lastly, Alice pictured to herself how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her little children, and make THEIR eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own female child-life, and the happy summer days.

   

 

HI MOM! ARTHUR gave me a ring!

Now I feel like trying to give away kittens. You know in your heart they can't stay with you but you hate to see them go. And if they must go then by god you want then to be in the hands of a caring and loving person. I knew to well about abusive men.

Now the problem with that was my girl's attitude about boys. They traded them like they used to trade their Barbie dolls or borrowed them like they used to do with each other's clothes. I hope I have not trampled over any male egos by my last statement. But surly you know you were never in control of the situation in dating. That is if you followed the rules. If you didn't then that is where I came in. That is until they got older and boys got serious with them. Then taking each other's boy friend was very nasty. I tried to impart my wisdom when this happened but they already knew that males think with their .............. well at least not with what was on their shoulders. (Remember I was raised as a lady). I had managed to get them through high school and past the age of 19. Which for our valley was reserved for only rich girls (whose families could afford to keep them home. A male would be an asset to the farm because he could help with the labor. But a female was another mouth to feed until she was married and began producing male babies to help with her husband's farm. As my aunt would say "that is the way of it" even as I write this in 1996.) But even very ugly girls were eventually got rid of by marring them off. I, being an educated female, put my girls into collage (yes the catholic one I went to). I knew both girls had narrowed down the competition to three or four. Then one day Margaret came in:

"Hi mom, meet Arthur she smiled."

OK I was not ready for it. Arthur Hamilton was Nancy's son and he had something I liked, he could dream. The old saying is if your going to tie your self to a man then pick a man with a dream. Other wise he was the opposite of my Margaret. She was impulsive and brass. He was thoughtful and shy. But they both shared the ability of imagination. And one other important thing they really loved each other. Try as I may I could not dislike him. Soon Margaret showed me his ring and I knew wedding bells were in the air. Ill spare you all the details of the wedding all brides are radiant and grooms are nervous. In comparison to Mary's wedding it was almost boring.

AND THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE IS ........."ME?"

Never in my most detail dreams have I never thought of my self as a mother of the bride. Not a whole lot of women do either. So I was totally unprepared for what was expected of me. Which was to plan the wedding for your daughter who is totally incapable of making a decision about anything the minute the ring is put on her hand. (Was I so helpless when I was a bride?). For some reason this is an all a woman's thing. But Frank did his thing as well and Maggie and I waited in her room as Frank took Arthur aside and told him whatever men tell their perspective son in laws. Maggie was so afraid Frank would scare him off but he came back from Frank's talk still smiling so she relaxed. My daughter would have something my wedding did not have, a father of the bride. I have always regretted my father's attitude. Despite his beatings I would have given anything for him to be there to give me away. But my daughter had a wonderful Father to stand up for her and give her away. Strange about that though a mother carries a girl in her own body for almost a year then delivers her in one of the most painful processes a woman can have. She nurses her, raises her for 18 years, and then the father gives her away. Am I missing something here?

I found it a magical time remembering my own wedding. I remember the faces of the people at the country club were Frank proposed to me I knew now how they felt. This was tempered however with the work getting my daughter married. I recommend professional help here someone who does this for a living. After looking at 25 gowns my Maggie finally decided to have my gown redone to wear. Aunt Pat had it carefully preserved I never knew why until now.

It was an emotional time joyful and yet mlancholy at the same time. I was loosing my daughter. I don't know the real workings of men and sons. Mine was dysfunctional so I do not know what is normal for them. But I know what it is like for a mother and daughter. She was my baby, my playmate, my friend, my pride, and my legacy. She would now be someone else's. She would not be there in bed when I came in to wake her. Nor would I hear "please mummy just five more moments. She was going to go far away to New Jersey. It was where Arthur's job took him. But when I saw them together laughing and holding each other I was so happy for them. They were about to embark on a great adventure. Who knows where it will end but how exciting, a whole world of new possibilities and all theirs to choose. I gave Maggie the mother daughter talk aunt Pat gave me. Loving each other is not enough you have to work at a marriage. There are so many things that want to tear you apart. You have to trust in each other to survive. How I knew that from my own marriage. I hoped she would not make my mistakes. But she would have to live her own life and make her own mistakes. Of course ill always be there for her no matter what. She knows I will be on her side. No matter who is on the other side. I am her mother I forgive everything she could do, it is the way God made me.

I knew Frank felt the same about her but he would not show it. Men are so funny sometimes. I have to help him express his feelings. It is all right, that is why I am here. It is a part of a woman's loving spirit. Frank was there for me. He was my oak tree, my rock, when I was scared he would hold me in his arms until I was whole again. He could say more with a smile or a hug than all the words I could write. Strange how I depended on this man he was the first thing I thought of when I got up and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep. There are things far deeper than gender roles. At least for me there was and loving this man was one of them.

No sooner had I said good-bye to Margaret then my Lizzie came to me. Her man was going to med. school to be a doctor. I liked him also. He reminded me so much of Frank when he was younger. He had a great sense of humor he would have a terrific bedside manner. Everybody was so happy.

"Momma would you be mad at me if I married Roy she asked?"

"What? Of course not sweetheart why would ever be mad at you for following your heart."

"Because of your spells! You need someone to help you! Father is just a male; he does not understand how to do for you. Even though he loves you so she gasped."

"Oh Elizabeth my dearest. You have to make your own life. Ill not have you make that sacrifice to your life. If you love him and he loves you then you need to be together. Ill be fine and ill hate myself if you stay and turn down that fine man of yours. When did he ask you I asked?"

"Last night at the reception she laughed."

"Tomorrow lets take a look at some wedding dresses I have only one wedding dress so you get a new one I smiled."

Well Elizabeth got her ring, an emerald stone with two diamond baguettes. Of all my children she is the closest to me some how we have grown alike. I know what she is about to say. When I see her I remember her suckling my breasts. If I have slighted Margaret I tried not to show it. So I was not surprised when she told me "Mom! Roy is going to stay here and start his practice the valley is big enough now to need more than one doctor and ill be his nurse. We will have lots of work here no one likes that new doctor he is just not one of us and doesn't care how we do things here bubbled Elizabeth."

"Starting a new practice is going to be hard are you sure you want to stay here. There is a whole world out beyond this valley I asked."

"Are you kidding me mom I am the daughter of Sissy Freeborn. Who brought into this world half the marriageable adults in this valley? Oh yes and we already have a full list of patients and we haven't even advertised yet Elizabeth said."

"You won't have to, I never did they just kept coming. But I thought Roy wanted to go to Albania I asked."

"He did but he has decided it would be better to start here Elizabeth responded."

"And you didn't have any thing to do with that I asked?"

"Of course I did but he doesn't know I did it was just the way you do with dad Elizabeth admitted"

"Lizzie! How can you say that I never..."

"Mom you taught Maggie and me exactly how to persuade a man. You don't think I got this ring because it was his idea Elizabeth broke in."

"So before the shock had worn off of Margaret's wedding. It was Elizabeth's turn to the alter, Elizabeth came to live with aunt Pat and used my old practice rooms for their new office. Of course Roy became our family doctor literally.

For nearly 18 months I had been whirling about with two wedding and I was mother of the bride. I got my Elizabeth ready for the last time for her honeymoon. Then she was gone and I was alone in their room. They would never use it again. My girls had grown up. And were gone. That night I sat alone out on the front porch and watched a star fall. I remembered so long ago sitting on another porch still bloody from a beating from my father. I wished upon a star just like that one. A wish so wild so incredible and yet it came true. But I am getting a head of myself a few things happened in between all this. One of which was something I had been reluctant to write about.

REALITY AND MS, one day at a time

In the last part of the eighties I was feeling my age or so I thought, I was always tired and my energy waned easily. I started suffering noctura, (waking up at night needing to go to the bathroom). So I put down my fatigue as lack of sleep. My occasional paralyses I put down to arthritis. There were other reoccurring symptoms I ignored. But in 1989 I got up to go to the bathroom and as I walked across the floor it was as if I forgot how to walk. I fell heavily and Frank carried me to our bed. I had a high fervor for two days. Then everything was back to normal. Well almost, I was having trouble keeping my balance. I was managing to walk on two canes. But it sapped all my strength. I would have forgot it and simply waited for it to go away as all my symptoms eventually did. But Frank was worried and so I went to the doctors. From there I was given a spinal tap. And they called back and insisted I come in for an MRI. I was still on canes and having more and more problems keeping my balance a few days later when they called me back to the doctors. I was not ready for what they said.

I am sorry Sissy but you have "Multiple sclerosis"

I stared at them! They had to be kidding that sort of thing never happens to real people and certainly not me. I could explain all the causes of my symptoms. And it didn't add up to MS. I went home in utter denial. I took out the home encyclopedia and looked up the definition of MS.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic disease of the central nervous system characterized by the degeneration and loss of myelin (a white, fatty substance that acts as an electrical insulator for nerve fibers) in the brain stem, optic nerve, spinal cord, and in some cases the cerebrum. There are trends, patterns of the disease MS is not an inherited disease, but a predisposition may run in families. The cause remains unknown, but some researchers propose that it is an autoimmune disorder caused by trauma to the body. Women are nearly three times more likely to be affected than men (An odd even bizarre twist especially for me). The average life expectancy after onset is about 10 to 20 years, although some patients die within weeks and others survive more than 50 years. Respiratory infections and opportunistic diseases are often among the causes of death in the most severely affected patients. There is no specific treatment for MS In most cases MS follows a course of repeated remissions and worsening over a period of years. Many patients lead active and productive lives interrupted by periodic episodes of symptoms. Because of lack of persistent symptoms, many MS patients go for a number of years before being correctly diagnosed. Symptoms can be so bizarre that the patient may have a hard time describing them. Patients with MS may suffer, weakness, in coordination, mental disturbances, impaired sensation, and visual problems urine retention and urinary tract infections, constipation, joint contractures, pressure ulcers, and pneumonia. As the disease advances, it may cause blindness, ataxia, incontinence, muscle atrophy, spastic paraplegia, hemiplegia, and complete paralysis. Emotional symptoms include severe mood swings, irritability, euphoria, and deep depression.

I began to cry. In a way I was so glad. Finally there was an answer to all my crazy symptoms. It was almost worth having MS to know there really was something wrong and not in my mind all these years. The worst was the black depressions. Sherri my confidants on-line know well my black moods I just cannot help it at times. The beauty is she understands it makes her so special.

But before you start feeling sorry for me. Please don't cry for poor Sissy. It is not the end of the world. I have had to rearrange my life but I will survive. Ill be fine I have learned tomorrow is not yet here and my yesterdays cannot be relived. I must learn to live each day as it comes. Some people have asked for a recent photo of me. Most of them are showing me on two canes or in a wheelchair. Those of you who have followed my life from birth to now do forgive me my pride. But I am not a "Jerry's Kid" it is not Muscular dystrophy which is a term that encompasses several hereditary diseases characterized by progressive weakness and degeneration of skeletal muscle. A year later something took my mind off my problems and gave me a new strength and a lesson on what a life is worth. And something I would have to do.

That's when the next thing rolled into my life in a wheelchair. I was waiting for my therapy session. They stacked the wheelchair patients in a small room while they wait for treatment. There were five or six of them in a row like some cordwood. When the attendant was gone I moved out of the line to where I was not so obvious. A few people in the wheelchairs said hi but I ignored them.

"Why are you hiding, a woman asked?"

"I am not I said I just don't want to be prominently displayed."

"Are you ashamed of your wheelchair it is a very nice one?"

"Good ill give it to you when I leave it. I don't plan to be in this very long. I just got to heal. I am not like them I stormed."

"You mean like the ones with an illness?"

"Yes ... No! I mean ... Look what are you a poster child for "Jerry's kids" or something?"

"Well I use to be when I was still on braces I am Linda Markem"

"Oh shit! Look I am sorry I didn't mean. It is just that..."

But I could not finish the tears ran down my face. That's how it began with Linda and I she was a wonderful person. I learned so much about myself from her. Some was good but a lot I didn't like but had to face. She was an inspiration to me then. I don't know how I ever got through it with out her. From her I learned how to develop my own courage and will. I did give her the chair when I no longer needed it. When she died it was a personal blow to me and reminded me of my own mortality. I shall miss her and pray God knows how much she meant to all of the people she passed along the way home.

In 1990 a social worker showed up at my door. I knew her from town and her mother was a very good friend of mine.

"Well Helen what brings you here I asked as I served her coffee."

"I have two orphans one 18 months the other 2 years that I need to place in a foster home as soon as possible she mused."

"Well how can I help I asked."

"Your aunt Pat tells me that you will be more than glad to take them in she smiled."

"I don't think that is possible dear. But I can help you find nice homes for them. There plenty of families that would love to have them I replied."

"Not these babies their mother died of aids. And they have been diagnosed HIV positive. No one wants them. Trust me I have tried. The state will not care for them. They have to be put in a foster home Helen bleated."

"My aunt Pat should very well know I cannot take care of two young children. She should not have told you I could I replied angrily."

"But Mrs. Freeborn you have a lovely home. A loving husband and have raised two beautiful girls. You even have medical training I could not dream of a better foster home for them. Your perfect! The aids virus is not catching if you take precautions. But I understand if you're afraid she explained."

"Do not be stupid young lady. I have faced down more than aids in my lifetime. But I cannot take two children I affirmed."

"If you would only look at their pictures I am sure you would want them she persisted."

She pulled out some photos and tried to give them to me. But I threw them down on the floor. Without looking.

"I do not want to look. I cannot take them it is just impossible for me to care for them I shouted."

"Your still young Mrs. Freeborn two small girls will be easy she said."

"No! That is final I said."

"Their dying you know that she replied accusingly."

"Stop it Helen I cannot take them."

"Your aunt told me of your arthritis but I am sure you will be able to still take care of them she started to say."

"So my aunt still tells the fiction of arthritis does she? And I help her by telling the same thing but no more. The truth is dear Helen is I have multiple sclerosis. Yes that's right relapsing remitting MS. There is no cure. It means I suffer episodes were I am unable to walk. Would you like to see my wheelchair for such events I can barely get around now. How can I take care of two normal children much less ones that are ill? Now please leave and tell my aunt not to meddle."

She walked out the door half running half backing out.

When she had left I picked up the pictures she had left on the floor. The pictures were of two little girls as cute as buttons. How I said aloud could anyone not love you. No one should be unloved for what they are I thought. No one should feel that pain. Tears welled up in my eyes. I picked up the phone and called my aunt Pat.

"Aunt Pat I hate you I told her. Why did you tell her I could take the girls you how I am"

"Well you know best dear. I do not think you should have told her about your ... er."

"Say it aunt Pat "Ms"! I have multiple sclerosis not arthritis. Please how many lies do I have to live with in my life? Why do I have to be ashamed of that as well I do not plan to die."

"Another crusade dear? People are afraid of what they don't understand."

"That is why I am afraid aunt Pat. People hate from ignorance I can't help it aunt Pat there is a fire inside of me. I cannot stand by and see people get hurt for just being what they are. It is time people see aids is not a monster and you can love people with it."

"And people with MS?"

"Yes even people with MS. But I am always so tired now with this MS. I can't see how I can take a two year old."

"But you are such a perfect choice and you are not afraid to love them she cooed."

"That is just the point aunt Pat I cannot love them. And what happens when I get my episodes and can't move I said?"

"The same thing that happens now your children come to help. It is not the loving them my girl that is your problem. You have an enormous capacity to love. I only wish I had so much love and passion for others. The problem is saying good-bye. You have never been able to let someone go and say good-bye have you she scolded?"

"Aunt Pat how can you say good-bye to someone you love I asked?"

"Sometimes it is the only way to love them she said."

"I just can't do that aunt Pat I told her."

"I know dear it is the hardest lesson to master. It is the last lesson to learn. I think I must help you to learn it she replied."

"Well you will just have to find someone else to love them. They are just like little cherubs. Any mother would love to hold them close. Some woman will want them to love I am sure. But I cannot love them I said firmly."

"Don't worry Sissy I have already found a woman who loves them. And remember I love you dear she chirped."

"I love you aunt Pat I said as I hung up the phone."

I wondered which mother she was thinking of that so loved the children all of a sudden. I had a split second of jealously then put it down as best for them. I simply could not handle it. If I thought I would get some help and support from Frank I was out of luck he actually liked the idea. But relented with my excesses why we could not.

Two days later Helen showed up at my house with a bassinet in her arms and another woman holding a small girl. Before I could say a word the woman handed me the Two year old. Who stopped crying instantly and put her arms around my neck. Helen sat down the bassinet with the baby in it and brought out some papers for me to sign.

"No this is all wrong I said there is a mistake I told you I cannot take them I told her."

I tried to remove the two year old from my neck but she would not let go. Finally I could resist no longer. I reached out with my free hand and a smiling Helen put a pen in it and brought the papers near to me so I could sign them.

"The one your holding is called Kimberly and this sweet one is named Annie smiled Helen."

There I was with two infants to love all over again but things had changed from the last time I cared for young ones... I was ill and I was getting around on canes but I never knew when I would have to use my wheelchair. But aunt Pat was right I did love them. I loved them in the hospitals waiting for their blood tests. And dying a little more at each bad test and thrilled at each small improvement. I loved them at the doctor's offices as I held them in my arms for the doctors. Who would not touch them? I loved them in the park with the people who now shunned us for fear of catching the virus. I loved them when they cried because the mothers of other children would not let them play with us.

"She is dead Sissy let her go said aunt Pat."

I heard her but I could not let Kimberly go. I could feel her go cold in my arms. Finally they took the child from me. The girls had no one to be on their side, no one to want them but me. They would never know the joy of boys or a special dress on a Sunday in spring. Or motherhood. How can life be so unfair? If I ever felt sorry for my self in my life I need only think of them. They had nothing and people hated them regardless. But fear of death drives us all and makes us hate what we do not understand.

I sit on a cold stone bench. It has begun to rain. I know I must leave but I am loath to do so. I watch two small graves where part of my soul is buried. Cherubs decorate the white stones that mark their resting place. I have finished two pieces of cloth with their names lovingly stitched by my hands and washed by my tears. To be added to a larger patchwork quilt in Washington.

Many things have happened since that day. In 1992 the mill needed major repairs but our customers had dwindled in the years do to the big lumbers chains. So it would be too much money to spend and so after 100 years the great water wheel of the mill was shut down, the sluice gates were opened permanently and the creak was free once more. Marie passed away shortly after that with heart problems and Larry never recovered from the loss and followed his beloved Marie within the year. Tom's job transferred him to Canada so Nancy and Tom moved to sturgeon falls. We wrote constantly at first but over time the letters became fewer until now it is only a card at Christmas time. My Maggie and Arthur moved to New Jersey in a place called Colts Neck where they have a horse farm so she is never far from her beloved horses. Lizzie and Roy moved in with my aunt Pat because she was getting very frail. They set up practice in my old office where they took care of all of us. In 1998 we lost my aunt Pat. She was a light in the world and the last of the great ladies of the valley. I shall miss her and I thank her for her insight and love of a confused boy who wanted to be a girl. Frank has had his second heart attack and is not able to do much but he does enjoy his grand kids. David has taken over running the farm and I have decided that Diane will get the emerald pendent, as she is closest to the Steward blood.

I sit here on the front porch with Frank reflecting on the day and admiring the sunset. I have seen so much. Far from Father Donavan and that old school yard where girls and boys were separated. What a life I have had. I have dared to dream so many dreams. Some have gotten me into trouble but I could not help dream those dreams any more than I could have expected them to all come true. This is the end of the book 'The story of Sissy' but not the end of my journey of life I have many miles to go before I sleep in this sweet place. My episodes have become more frequent over the years. And my MS has changed to secondary progressive and not gone into remission despite all kinds of so-called cures. Still I have many days of normalcy with no symptoms and perhaps a cure for what I have will be found. This is not the end of my life but what a life I have had. What an adventure this has been and at the age of 56 after 40 years in the female gender. I have finally lived most of my life as a woman I am afforded some revealing facts of my life. I am what god made me, neither male nor female but just me. It is not death one should fear but not having the courage to live ones life to it's fullest. That and possessing a little madness for with out the madness we would never have the courage to have a dream and leave the safe well travailed road and make our way in life to be finally truly free. I am left with the words of my late aunt Pat the hardest lesson to is saying good-bye!

GOODBYE!

  

  

  

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