The Story of Sissy

by Lady Katherine

 

`Where do you come from?' said the Red Queen. `And where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers all the time.'

Alice attended to all these directions, and explained, as well as she could, that she had lost her way. `I don't know what you mean by YOUR way,' said the Queen: `all the ways about here belong to ME -- but why did you come out here at all?' she added in a kinder tone. `Curtsey while you're thinking what to say, it saves time.'

 

 

            Our next milestone in the march to womanhood came and went for my girls so naturally it hardly seemed like writing about but aunt Pat didn't think so when she read my diary. So I am including it for her.

            I was not prepared for Margaret's first period. I guess I hoped they would learn it all in school. But I came in to their room and Elizabeth said Margaret was sick. I looked at her bed sheets they were stained red. I knew I had run out of time. So with resolve I went into the bathroom. My doctor had prescribed for me a cycle of hormones to take. Because she felt it was unhealthy for my body not to have a rest as normal females. So she had prescribed one week in four to take other hormones. That gave me a normal female cycle and all the symptoms of a women's period including PMS but no vaginal flow. Still I bought and used sanitary napkins. During those days because the doctor thought it would look odd if a young woman didn't. So I had been using them for years. Now my girl held a box of my sanitary napkins tears on her face.

"I can show you how they go I said and sat on the tub near her."

"I am a mess and my stomach hurts she said."

"I know, it is part of being a woman which your body is saying you are now."

"It is not fair boys don't go through this why do we."

"Because we are female and girls become women who are ready to have babies."

"I don't want to have a baby it hurts."

"Yes but then you have this perfect little person that loves and needs you... Look when I was very young my mother decorated my walls with painted pictures of 'Alice through the looking glass' she was another girl who was afraid to grow up she spent all this time running away from being a woman. Because she was afraid of the responsibilities but no matter how hard she tries she finds she has become a woman anyway. And that it isn't so bad after all. Time to grow up Margaret I said, trying desperately to hold back tears."

"Thanks mom you always know what to say."

I showed her how to use the napkins and got them off to school. Though I would have let Margaret stay home this once if she had asked. When the house became quiet again I walked to my kitchen sat down and began to cry. I knew then the story I had told Margaret was not really about Alice at all.

            No one ever can understand what it is like to have two girls competing in horse shows. First there is the horse. They are not inexpensive and we can't afford to coddle them. They have to double as our camping mounts. So they have to be suitable for both. So many stories tell of girls winning a show with a scrub mount. It is not reality, mounts are key, they have to be very smart and have courage. That takes breeding and a bread horse costs. Then there is the tack. Two saddles three bridles and so on (remember equipment for trail is very different from competition). But the real feature has to be the clothes, like skiing, you are nothing without the proper outfit. And it does not end with pants and blouse or even a proper hat. No there is special panties, bra and on and on down to gloves. Naturally everything for riding like skiing costs twice what it would if it were for anything else. If it was not for aunt Pat who bought most of the stuff for her granddaughters we could not afford the equipment.

      So now our girls are perched on their mounts with all the classic clothes on. You think were done? Oh nooo we have to have training on the jumps. All of which is special and individual because each girl and her mount is different. The trainer has to work with the girl and mount to take advantage of her strengths and to diminish her weaknesses. It is as much strategy as skill. My Margaret is strong and impulsive. She has great skill but loses because she takes to many chances. And she tries to hurry her mount. Elizabeth is slower but she is consistent. She finishes always in the top ten. Princess loves her and will do anything for her. She would try to fly if "Lizzie" asked for it.

            It was the day before the finals. Elizabeth and I were taking Frank lunch at the tree cut. The logs would be taken to the mill and this patch would be planted with new trees. Franks grandfather had planted these trees. They were now ready to be logged. Elizabeth as usual had found a displaced raccoon near the stream and went to shoo him away from the danger area of tree fall. The last thing Frank told her was to be careful they were taking down a tree near there. But we were not really worried because the men were going to fall the tree in the other direction. So we settled down to some fried chicken with Joey and Frank and his father. We heard a splash and Elizabeth was in the churning water. It took a while but we got her out. The next morning she was hot as a two-dollar pistol on Saturday night in the bogs. But she was getting dressed.

"Just what are you doing girl I yelled!"

"I got a competition today she said."

"Your burning up lady you can't go like this."

"Mom she said I have to go Maggie needs me."

"I can't see how you can I told her feeling her head."

"Candy will be there if I don't compete she will win. Ill be ok it is just a little fever ill go to bed right after."

"If you father sees this he will make you stay home I fussed."

"But you not going to tell him are you asked Margaret?"

"Ill not lie to your father! But if he does not ask well...."

"But I have to know. Are you all right I asked Elizabeth?"

"Yes mom don't worry I am fine. I am just warm."

"Look sweetheart you're not going to a tea party today. A horse show is hard on a body, I said as seriously as I could."

"Not as much as being laced up in a corset to fit in a dress for grandma's high teas she laughed."

"All-right you win but dear just do a worried mother one thing. Just be careful I laughed."

"I am always careful mama."

            I still had reservations about Elizabeth's injuries but she wanted this so much that I could not tell Frank because he would never have let her ride. I felt her frustration that said women were nothing more than fluffs and not to be allowed to do the things men were doing.

In the stables at the show princess was uneasy as I was for Elizabeth. But I had to consider Margaret who was also competing. It was a fine line to walk between the two. I tried very hard not to show favorites. I still had the smothers brothers line ringing in my head "mother always loved you best".

            Margaret did well with a very good time but had two faults. The real competition was their old nemesis Candy who turned out to be a very good equestrian but a bit of a bitch. Margaret teased Candy on how fast she had completed the run. That was too much for Candy she just had to beat Margaret's time. Candy did beat Margaret's performance however she did not do her best because she tried to beat Margaret's fast time she incurred one fault. But Candy did gloat at Margaret. Now it was Elizabeth's turn she was good for the first two jumps then she seemed to sway. Princess balanced her and compensated as she took the water jump. Something was wrong with the girl and the crowd seemed to know it. The next jump was a quick double rail jump but princes seemed not to be queued for it. Then at the last moment Elizabeth commanded princess to jump. She was not in her usual distance but the horse did her best. She ticked the upper rail of the first jump and made it over the second better.

I was on my feet "our girl is in trouble" I said to Frank who was only a heartbeat behind me as we rushed down the stands. When we got to the paddock she was she was completing the last jump and then the ride home her time was slower than Candy's but she had no faults. When she came in her face was pale and sweaty Frank went for the doctor and we took her to the clinic on the grounds.

Pneumonia the doctor said.

"Elizabeth you... but I was so mad the words would not come out."

"I got first for sure she said weakly!"

"Anyway we beat Candy, Margaret said and they kissed each other."

"Wait a minute. You two worked together to beat Candy exclaimed Frank!"

"Well we knew I was to sick to win unless Maggie helped knock her out of competition smiled Elizabeth."

"Right when you go against one of the Freeborn girls you got double trouble echoed a gloating Margaret."

"I don't suppose honey you two could include your mother in the planning of such things in the future I replied."

"Well with the three of us mama we could make Atlanta fall chirped Elizabeth."

"Just you never mind about that girl I do not plan to get into any more fights in this valley again."

I still had to play the concerned mother with them but the girls new quite well I was ever so proud of them. Not only had they beaten Candy but had equaled the scores of the men. That is of course if they ever would let women compete directly against men. Well someday perhaps they would. But men made the rules and they didn't want to compete against women. They clamed it was unfair and no competition. Well my girls and I thought so as well. Frank however never understood why we giggled when we said it. First prize was not the only prize Elizabeth got that day for when the judges found out that she did the course with a high fervor and in tremendous pain they gave her a special trophy that had not been awarded for 25 years. You see it was princess that did the course with an injured rider. For that she was given the judges award for courage.

My girls have always closed ranks when trouble came. They stuck together through everything but sharing boy friends. And it was true if one got into trouble the other was there to help. And pity any one who got their Irish dander up. If the left one didn't get you then the right one did.

THE LETTER..........

            It was now the eighty's the "I want it" decade. I was concerned with keeping house for my family and watching my daughters growing up. It was so fascinating to see them experience womanhood. So natural and so sweet and I was their confidant. They always told me everything about it, well nearly everything, and I loved it. I can see now how mothers can live their lives through their daughters. I was sorely tempted many times but I bit my tongue and let them make there own decisions. Of course I was there for female and motherly advice. But many times we both had to go to see aunt Pat. She lived a life that was so full of experience. If there was ever a book wanting to be written it is of her life from tramping all over the globe to having to bring up a TS daughter. Well anyway my girls loved to ask her questions on life. And you know she loved to give her counsel.

            As our farm got bigger Frank had to go to Atlanta on business more often and frequently stayed one or two days. Oddly at this time things changed with us. We stopped having sex as regularly as we did. I told my self we were both just slowing down. He was still was caring and loving to me, and started bringing me gifts from Atlanta. I don't know if it was my fault. Or if it was just that he was a man. I did not pay as much attention to him as I once did. But not because I didn't love him any less, just my day was really hard I had to get up before everybody and get breakfast started. Then get my girls off to school and Frank feed and off to the farm or the mill. Then I had to get the house cleaned, chickens feed, horses cared for and dinner ready for my family when they came home. It left me exhausted and then when what I thought what was my arthritis acted up it was hell and my workday would be still not finished. It is not an excuse, I know there is none, nor am I complaining. Other women have it harder than I do in this valley. Here until only recently a woman did not count for much except to have and raise children. There were few rights for females even in the nineties. So often I would fall asleep in the chair by the fireplace and Elizabeth would come down and get me to bed with Frank already fast asleep he had it hard as well however never once did I hear him complain. He did it because that is a man's lot in life and he loved us. We all knew our duty as men and women in this small farming community. It never occurred to me that things were in such a state between Frank and I until I got the letter.

The mailman came around ten that morning and I was not thinking. I had a cake in the oven and lunch to prepare. So I quickly scanned the letters and one caught my eye. It was a personal letter in a woman's hand writing to Frank. It should have gone to the mill address but somehow it landed here. I put it down twice. The question in my mind was why would a woman be writing Frank from Atlanta. I thought of a hundred excuses, each one I knew was a lie. The simple fact was a woman was writing to my Frank and I simply had to know why. Call it what you will. I just could not stand another women fooling with my Frank. It was probably nothing anyway. When I open it I will see it was a business deal and nothing more. But I could not help myself I am afraid the cake got burned that day.

As I read the letter a knot formed in my stomach. It was a love letter. I wanted to kill him, to run away and die, to beat my hands through the wall. Break all the dishes, break in on their lovemaking and shoot them both. In the end of course I did none of these things. I did what every wife would do under the circumstances I had a good cry and then I called mother, well my aunt Pat at least. She had only two sobering words to say after I poured my heart out for nearly an hour.

"Confront him."

"That is easier said than done aunt Pat. What if I just shoot him?"

"I am not bringing up your girls after they convict you of murder. No you have to work this out dear ill be over later."

           I stewed all day trying to figure out how to bring up the subject. As I scraped the burnt cake pans with a terrible vengeance, I knew could not leave him, first because I loved him too much and second because it would devastate my children. Thirdly because of all the scandal it would bring to the town. You just did not walk out of marriage in this valley if you were a Freeborn woman. And lastly because of how it would affect my aunt's standing in this valley. By the time I had the pans shinning I knew I had forgiven him. But that did not mean I was not still mad as hell at him. In the end I just showed him the letter. And watched his face turn white.

"I never meant to hurt you Sissy..."

"That I can believe Frank because it is clear you never intended me to find out. But how do you expect me to feel after you have been seeing another woman. She says there that she loves you and wants to have your child. Is that it Frank? She can give you something I can't I said as I sat down feeling he old pain of infertility."

"No Sissy we have two beautiful children. That is enough for me. I love you Sissy."

"Then why Frank? For gods sake why? Is she prettier or younger than me?"

"She is twenty and..."

"Oh shit that is it isn't..."

From the corner of my eye I saw my girls peaking around the doorway to the living room.

"You girls had better be in your room with the door shut before I blink my eyes or you will know what for even at your age I screamed."

Faced with actual violence from me they were gone in less than the time I gave. It also gave Frank a chance to breathe.

"Sissy I am sorry. I promise I won't see her anymore. It is over between us."

"Oh you know that Frank. Did you ever think about your kids or your mother? You know she is in poor health if she ever found out about this, the scandal alone will surly kill her. Don't even think about what it is doing to me."

"Sissy I just could not help my self. One minute I am down at the bar with her having drinks and the next we are in her flat."

"Frank...........Your a grown man what did she do? Hold a gun to you head?"

"Sissy you're not a man. You just don't understand what it is like when a woman like that wants you at my age. I know I have been stupid. I have messed things up really badly."

By this time he was by my side holding me. I just wanted to turn around and kiss him and make love to him right there. But I could not. I had to ask the question.

"Did you screw her Frank?"

"Yes a few times..."

"Oh shit Frank............ I said as I tried to get up but he held me there."

"It does not mean anything I don't love her I love you it just happened."

"How can men say that? Just happened is when you bump into someone on a moving train. But I am a grown woman I know first you have to take clothes off and then kiss and then start making love. How can that be 'just happened' Frank like you missed the sign and took the wrong turn to find your self at a dead end. But you Frank went to that dead end over and over again I whimpered as I began to cry."

"Can anyone join this discussion or is it still violent? Spoke aunt Pat from the doorway."

She walked in anyway and sat down.

"Do the kid's know she asked me."

"They know now I said dejectedly."

"You know Frank you have done an incredibly stupid thing. She can claim you fathered her baby. Or worse and drag us through hell in the courts. You are a target for every little schemer who wants to get rich quick Aunt Pat scolded."

"As for you my cry baby Sissy. This man must love you a whole lot to sit there and let you attack him like you are doing. Because in this state it is more common for the husband to slap you across the head and bounce you off the walls a few times and then tell you it is none of your concern who he has sex with and you need only be concerned that your ready for his cock when he wants you!"

We both looked at aunt Pat in a whole new light. This was her corporate side coming out and we were her targets, it was not a good feeling.

"Now Frank this is what is going to happen. I will find this tart and deal with her. You need not be concerned with her she will no longer live in Atlanta. When you make your next business trip there you will take David with you from now on. Besides it is about time he learns that part of family business. He is putty in Diane's hands Frank! So we will know if you find another. But I think this was just bad judgment and not thinking things through on your part. As for you girl you are going to pay more attention to Frank from now on. So he has a harder time forgetting he is a married man and will one day be head of both the Steward and Freeborn clans. And you will have to find a way to tell your children what has happened. As for both of you! It is both your fault that this has happened. But get over it. You both vowed that you would be together till you are dead. I don't see that happening soon. Despite Sissy's tendency to get her self in more trouble than Carter has little liver pills. I tell you both I have never seen two people so in love in all my life. You two were made for each other if there ever was a marriage made in heaven. There was no force on this earth that would have stopped you from falling in love and there is certainly none to break you apart. If you do not give each other all your love you will both be miserable till you wake up and do. Now do I make my self clear?"

We both said yes to her but doing it was far harder than either of us knew. For the next few days Frank was my husband in name only. We spoke little despite my longing to be in his arms. I know I was being stupid but I have admitted I was stupid before. As for the girls, I mustered up courage and had a big shot of bourbon. Then went up to their room, I had no idea what I was going to say to them. I came in and sat down with one on each side.

"Well girls you heard."

"Is daddy going to leave us now Margaret asked?"

"No dear we love each other. Nothing is going to happen we are still a family. Families don't give up on each other. We are the Freeborn clan we are tough hard against the land nothing will hurt us if we love each other."

I saw Frank peeking in the half closed door so I was talking to him as much as my girls. Though I could not say it to his face somehow.

"Why did daddy want to do this to us asked Elizabeth?"

"He just made a mistake like you do dear. We both made a mistake. It does not mean you're a bad person when you do. The thing to remember is we love each other and we love you and it is not your fault this happened."

"Mom I thought you and daddy were different somehow. That daddy would never do this to you. All men are just so arrogant. All they care about is our tits and ass. They could care less about us said Margaret."

"Oh Margaret don't say that. I know sometimes it sure seems that way but men do fall deeply in love with women. When they do they give you everything they are. It is like a precious thing we have, you have to be careful or you can hurt it. Look I am not the smartest woman in the world. I have been pretty dumb sometimes. But long ago your daddy gave me his whole soul and I have been careless lately but I still have it and so I know he loves me so much and I love him more than I love my life."

I looked up and saw Frank standing before me tears in his eyes. The next moment we were all hugging each other and crying. After he took me to bed and we had sex like we did that first night. It was wonderful.

Now you may think what a nice Hollywood ending but that is not real life. No Frank and I still had much to work out. It was so hard. I don't know many women who have slept with several men before they got married. Things happened so fast with Frank and I. Just one crazy summer and I was wearing his ring. I never knew any men other than Frank sexually (my rape does not count). Even if he didn't propose to me I do not think I would have slept around to get experience. Girls who did got reputations. So I know only Frank but I know him like I know my self. All the men in my fantasies make love like Frank. Perhaps this sounds silly but I can't help it. Frank and I would have found each other in that small valley. We would have fallen in love as soon as we did. Aunt Pat was right we were perfect for each other. We just could not admit it then. We spent the rest of the decade trying to work it out. Like two small birds in a hurricane trying to stay together. We were both as stubborn as rocks but only half as smart. Then came that hot summer when everything on the farm was in need of major repair. As hot as it got my heart was ice. Only a miracle that threatened our lives would snap us out of it. We didn't know it then but it was a coming.

  

  

  

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