The Story of Sissy

by Lady Katherine

 

So she went on talking to herself, as she watched the horse walking leisurely along the road, and the Knight tumbling off, first on one side and then on the other. After the fourth or fifth tumble he reached the turn, and then she waved her handkerchief to him, and waited till he was out of sight.

`I hope it encouraged him,' she said.

 

I have often been asked if all the pain was worth it to get what I had. I used to simply say absolutely! But these days I think that question implies that I had a choice. To suffer to make this dream come true or choose another one less painful. The truth was I had no choice; I would have become a woman no matter what the pain, social condemnation or moral outrage. Tran gendered people have drives in them that are so deep that it is not possible to remove that drive without destroying the person. I was however lucky to have an aunt Pat who literally kidnapped me and spent over 50 grand to make me a pretty girl at 17 young enough to have a life as a young woman.

It took a few days to get the lawyers to get all the paper work done. But I was now listed as the mother of Mary's two girls. I kept staring at the paper in disbelief. I was a mother, I was their mother. My status changed instantly in the community a woman goes through so many changes in her life socially. First she is a girl and she learns to interact with men. Then she becomes a wife and a whole set of new rules must be learned. I can't say how it is for men. But from what I see it is like they change the color of their socks. "Oh your wearing green socks these days how smashing" with me it was a whole different social status. Married women were, as anyone knows much more sensible, more reserved, and never wear short skirts in public. When you become a mother as I had just done with two children. It puts you again in a whole different status. Since I had delivered many of the town's babies. And now with two of my own I suddenly became an authority on the subject of child raising. Talk about the blind leading the sighted.

Diane volunteered to be the new midwife to replace Mary. I visited Mary's grave often in the months after her death. But I was healing. Nancy and Diane knew of course our relationship. But it went no further. Except for aunt Pat who I am firmly convinced could read minds. She always read mine. Thank God of that. I had made a promise to her and I meant to keep it. She was my adopted mother and my girls would be raised to call her grandma. She cried when Margaret called her that for the first time. When I didn't correct my daughter Aunt Pat kissed me. It was a small enough gift to give her for all she has done for me.

The day finally came when we had the baby room ready for the two girls. It was right off our door. But the walls were thick and sound proof. I took the last of the girls clothes and toys from my aunts house and with Elisabeth in my arms and Margaret at my side clinging to my skirts we went home. They had a fun day playing with the little chicks and all the baby animals. They were soon exhausted and I put them to bed early. I looked at my new responsibilities. I was their mother, there that word again. I contemplated all the stages they would go through in their growing up. The more I thought about it the more I was sure I could not do the job.

Girls were going to look to their mother for answers about their bodies. Or what should they do when that boy asks her out. Margaret said good night to me and called me mama. I smiled and kissed her good night. I sat on the front porch swing and thought I am their mother they will expect me to give them nurturing and love and Frank his strength and protection. I had become my mother. I was a wife and mother my self now. Suddenly I felt so close to my mother. I had always blamed her for not stopping father from my beatings. But I knew now after being a wife it was not that easy or simple. She did her best. Now I had my own children could I do better? I had never cried at my mother's funeral. Despite knowing I loved her I could shed no tears for her. Now I understood her better than I had ever before. She was a mother just like I was now. I know she never thought I would be a woman much less a mother like her. But was there was a time in those first few months when I was thought to be born a girl, did she look at me then and wonder what kind of mother I would make? Like I just did with my girls? I held the emerald pendent, the only thing I had from my mother and I knew I was going to cry again. Frank found me there crying my heart out. Frank never knows why I cry. Sometimes I don't know myself. Sometimes I cry because I am so happy, sometimes because I am sad or in pain or because I just broke a finger nail and it is my time of the month. But he does the only thing he knows how to do he sits beside me and puts his arms around me and holds me until I feel safe. But this time I really think he understood because he took the pendent I was holding and cried with me.

When I was cried out he picked me up and took me upstairs in a half carry and deposited me on the bed and began to undress me. I let him do this and watched as his arousal level grow. Each piece of my clothes slowly coming off first my blouse that was buttoned in the back. Then my skirt slid down and off. Then the pink lace slip I wore under slid off me. His tender caress as he touched me along my sides and back. Then my breasts were bare and he began kissing them. And on the large nipples that the hormones produced on me. Soon they were hard. I didn't want to have sex but my resolve was slipping I could never turn Frank down and perhaps that is what I needed. To surrender to the moment to wash my mind of all my worries for the present. I could feel him sliding off my stockings. My corset forced me to take short shallow breaths. But I would not be released from it until Frank was ready. Until I could stand it no longer. There was no sense fighting it my whole body was designed for pleasure. What the hormones didn't do, the doctor finished. And I knew Frank loved it. That was the biggest turn on. He was running his tongue up my inner thigh now and I was panting so hard I was about to black out when he smiled and removed my corset. I could breathe again. But that was short lived because he pulled me down to the edge of the bed. He spread my legs wide apart began to insert his tongue into me. He played with that little spot that was left of my penis. It never could be used for sex with a woman but now it was wonderful. Thank you doctor for your insight. She told me she would make my sex as a woman ten times better than I could have as a male. I was embarrassed then but not now. Oh thank you doctor. Thank youuu!

Frank brought me up in a sitting position and began to suck on my nipples

"Ouch I said!"

"What is wrong are getting bigger on me?"

"It's the hormones doctor Levin has started me on to lactate."

"Into what?"

"I am going to nurse Elizabeth."

"You can do that?"

"She has done it for a few wet nurses in the town. I am responding to it well."

"It looks like they hurt?"

"They do a little. But it's more like they are very sensitive."

"Good then you will enjoy this."

He began kissing me over my breasts and then down my belly to my femaleness. I had slid off the bed to the floor and now was sitting facing his cock. Frank kept it always nice and clean for me. I popped it into my mouth like a bun it was half swollen and I would now make it nice and large and hard for my hot pussy. I didn't mind having a man's penis in my mouth. It didn't taste bad. It had a slight tangy taste but it was the implications of what I was doing. One side of me said I was a female and I was getting my man ready to slide his rod in my love hole. The other side remembered a more sinister side of this in a boy's gym and a coach who made me put on a dress forgotten or stolen from the girl's locker room. My hands wired behind my back and my hair in a pony tail so he could use it as a handle to force my head into his smelly cock. I hated his sperm rushing into my mouth for me to swallow. His laughter as it did still haunts me. It was the stuff that nightmares are made of and suicides attempts result, like mine. With Frank however I knew this was love. He respected me and what I was. If he did accidentally ejaculate early it only meant I would have to work him up again before I could have my pleasure. And that was what it was all about. My head Doctor told me once it was lucky I was as sane as I was, with my child abuse, sexual abuse, and gender problems. She could never tell what affected what! The cause and effect could never be found in two life times. I was a hopeless case to her and would not benefit from her any longer.

The cock was hard in my mouth and I slipped it out of my mouth and kissed its tip and tried not to think of the gym office. God I am so screwed up I thought. I wish I was whole and well. Frank picked me up and placed me on the bed he slipped a pillow under my fanny and spread my legs. I waited in anticipation as I could feel his shaft slide into me and stretch me to his size. I melted to the rhythm, to his touch of his hands. The world floated away once more and I was no longer a lonely or scared child or hurt and in pain. I was loved and safe. There was no past to hide! The future had not come. There was only now and now was all I needed. I closed my eyes and remembered nothing but the rhythm of the sea and Frank.

Over the next few months I fell into a pattern of feeding my new children and Frank. Having sex nearly daily and cleaning house. A typical housewife's lot. I was not unhappy I am a passive person. I am glad I had Frank to hide behind. I accepted my bridle both because the society said this is the way women functioned and because of my own nature. Over the years I would chafe at that bit in my mouth and resent it but what would I do with out it. I had my babies to think about and Frank was a good father. I could see so clearly now why my mother did not leave father. I missed her so much. Aunt Pat was wonderful and caring but she did not have children she could not tell the best way to nurse and what is more comfortable. I had been so glib about my midwifery. The mature women smiled at me and forgave me my stupidity about child raising. Now I had two and I was learning as I did. I had joined the beta chapter which was newly forming in the ladies auxiliary but I had never participated before. Now I attended with babies in my arms. I was still warmly welcomed. We were all learning about our children. The women who had older children told us younger ones what to expect with the terrible two's (I was in them already and no book was worth half of what I learned from the older women). Everything you needed to know was there in that room, there was years of amassed knowledge of children given to you in practical language. They were a life saver. Every time Margaret called me momma my heart melted. This was what I was born for I just knew it, this is why I lived through all my beatings. To take care of these two girls. I looked about the room full of females and children. Did they feel the same way I did? We had a schedule of baby sitting for those who worked. I was asked to fill in a spot since I did not work at the time. Only mothers were asked for this for some reason. I felt embarrassed to ask why the females who did not yet have babies were excluded. Most of them however were already sporting swelled bellies and would soon be mothers. Many after tea and scones opened there blouses and exposed their breasts to feed their babies. I was a bit confused and Dora noticed

"Are you breast feeding Elizabeth?"

"Yes I blushed."

"Well we are all informal here dear. Open your blouse and let her have your nipple. Men know better than to come over here when we come together."

I opened my straining blouse trying to keep my swollen breasts in and unsnapped my nursing bra. I was so thankful for the doctor. She was surprised to see how much lactating tissue I had developed since I had started on hormones. My breast were all mine to begin with and did not need any help in increasing my cup size. So it was a matter of changing my hormones and my breasts swelled with milk. Not as simple as it sounds but it was done. Elizabeth loved it ( And the answer is yes to your question. Did Frank have some also? If you had been reading my early story. Mary was right about that as well) I picked up Elizabeth in front of these women and slipped her mouth over my nipple. She began to nurse instantly and I could feel the milk flowing through my nipple. A trickle of milk ran down Elizabeth's cheek and one of the older women handed me a wipe. She was smiling as she did.

"Feels good doesn't. I always loved nursing mine. And it is so much better than cow's milk or formula."

I was blushing as I looked into this woman's face. I could feel my child sucking on my nipple in and out like Frank's rhythm the night before. I blushed deep red when I realized I was breathing hard.

"It's OK she smiled it feels the same for me she told me."

Now I knew I was red faced. But as I looked around I could see my expression now on several women though they hid it much better than I did. These women were so great. It was like having so many sisters. We talked about everything, especially about our bodies and its changes. It so helped us facing the future as women and trying to understand our selves.

All of the days of my girls growing up were special. But if I were to write down all those days of my girls you would soon grow board and this book would grow into several volumes monotonous to all except me.

I know that of all the titles I have had all the names I have used, of all the roles I have played none have made me as complete as that of "mother". I do not know why. Perhaps it was because it made me feel complete as a woman, or that I felt a special link with my mother who missed all of my own girlhood. Or perhaps because of my daughters love for me. A child's love for their mother is so pure and so without strings. They did not care what my background was nor who I was or why. As surly as the sun comes up in the east I knew my face would be forever in there minds when they remembered that special love, that special warmth, when they remembered their mother. How could anyone ask for more in a life. To have your child crawl up on your lap and go to sleep in your arms.

Marie came over often to see her granddaughters. She was a very special woman with her the's and thou's she took you back to an earlier time in the valley. And Larry was so kind to me. He was surly the daddy I always wanted. I told him once when we alone in the kitchen and I was making him some lunch that I was sorry he had no grandsons to leave the mill to. He got up and gently held me in his arms and kissed me on the forehead. I was not to be sorry his son had as good a woman as he had. I looked at his hands as he said that. The big scared hands that ripped Buford Pucket to death when Larry saw me on the floor my face a wash of blood and my body torn and he understood what Buford had tried to do to me. With the same hands that sent Buford through a boarded up window. He held me now. I did not feel scared instead I felt protected. When I went down to the mill to bring Larry his lunch and often a treat for Joey the foreman. I never felt scarred now. True it was filled with the rough strong working men I knew in the city when I had to pass their construction sites. And had to put up with their jesters and comments. Oh one or two tried to hit on me I guess it is in the nature of men. But Joey was always there to see me safe. That is also in the nature of men.

Days turn into weeks and they in turn become months. And before you know it years have passed. Years of wonder and watching my girls explore their world. My life without realizing it centered on my children. I don't know how it is for men but I know it is not the same as a woman. Frank went out and worked in the fields or at the mill when his father needed him. For me my life began in the morning taking care of Frank and my girls and ended every night doing the same. It was not tedious or boring it was wonderful. I was like a thirsty person taking that first few gulps of water.

Watching my girls grow was the most wondrous thing as a woman. They almost out grew their clothes in a week. But don't worry little girl "mama goanna buy you everything!" I was in my glory, shopping for cute dresses. The old ones didn't go to waste. Diane's baby was a girl after all. But it was the last baby I would deliver for a while. I went into a retirement to study nursing. We had become so close after Diane's baby. She was my only family with the exception of Aunt Pat. I had no direct contact with the rest of my family. Soon their names one by one were no longer listed in the phone books. Funeral notices accounted for some. But many just disappeared into space. As I must have done to them. It was like some one had cut off my hand I can get by with out it and live a normal life but ill always feel its loss. Ill start to do something two handed people do with out a problem and realize I am missing a hand. For a brief moment ill morn again its absence. Oh don't think these days were all idyllic. There were the usual childhood diseases to be put up with. When my girls got chicken pox. I shared with them how I got my chicken pox. It was David who kissed me all that day after school. Then he went home and came down with the chicken pox. Mrs. Neff called my mother telling her I would be getting sick soon she didn't tell her I had been kissing a boy. They thought it was cute. It did sound cute but I neglected to add I was a little boy at the time.

So very soon my girls were ready for school and what a traumatic time. They had been with me daily since they were born. Now I had to say good-bye to them and go home to an empty house. With great preparation finding just the right dress and shoes and back pack. I was as nervous as my girls walking into the school. For their first day of school. Then I saw a friend. She was dropping off her boy. The last time I saw him she was breast feeding him. Now he was a big boy. My Elizabeth kept clinging to my skirts and Margaret had already found a friend as we stood there. She was one of the ladies auxiliary and so we had some catching up to do. While we were talking we heard someone call my name and I turned to see another woman with a child who I delivered came up, this was getting to be like old home week. Mothers had formed groups and were talking and laughing. I noticed a lone male standing there with his boy. He was ignored by everyone. I understood, I certainly did not want to discuss breast feeding in front of a male. Nor did I want to discuss the weather which we would have to if he joined us. I was sure the rest of the groups of women felt the same. He was not part of our society. I felt sorry for him but that was all. Before I knew it the girls were marching into the class rooms I kissed a blasé Margaret who wanted to get back to her new friend. And to a tearful Elizabeth who just knew the world was coming to an end. I gave Margaret orders to look out for her sister. And I watched them go out from my life "be brave" Fran said holding my hand.

After we went out to lunch together. We talked about everything from dress sales to our babies.

The most popular game mothers play is my kid is --blank-- than your kid. Fill in the blank with the words smarter or prettier or anything you like. Despite my pride in my two children (after all I had been there when they were born and the first hands that held them) I felt it wrong to use your child to compete with. To that end I never touted my girl's wonderful abilities (all right just a little but I was being very truthful.) My single friends told me that I was so domestic now. It was true my world was my home and children. My friends were all mothers whether it was because I found I had more in common with them or because it as just natural that my girl friends got married about the same time I did and now it was just natural to get pregnant soon after.

School for some mothers is a happy relief but for me I was lonely. I so loved watching my girls develop their own personality. Seeing their mannerisms so naturally female. Some of them I realized with a shock were mine. They were copying me as a model for womanhood. That scared me to death I did so want them to be accepted as normal girls (how I so hate that word). So would they be normal with my mannerisms. Only time would tell. I tried to imagine having two boys. I wondered what would happen if I told my girls they were really boys and had to put away their dolls for pants and base ball! If I had a boy would I put a dress on him? Well that one was easy at least. If my son asked me to let him wear dresses I would buy all he wanted. But then of course he would feel he was letting me down and never ask me to do that. Well at least with boys I could say go see your father. Still there was that question a boy always asks his mother one way or other. What do girls want, they tell me one thing and mean another. Mary was right I could deal with girls better than boys. Oh well it didn't matter I had girls and I had to show by example. How to be a soft strong sexy passive woman who is dependent on men. But thinks for her self and is independent with job skills. What is wrong with this picture of a woman? Boy I think I am in trouble.

Frank was so great of a father he would play with his girls for hours. They really loved him. My love for him grew as I saw him as a loving father to my girls. As for Frank and my self well we both knew we were joined at the hip now. If I felt I had a bit in my mouth then he had the same. I am sure he felt it at times when he would rather go drinking or out with the boys and he came home to me and his daughters instead. We had to work out our differences no matter what. So my girls became daddy's girls. It was fascinating to see how their minds worked. They were so tuned in to moods of people they just knew what others felt and how to get them to do what they wanted. Each day is something new you scramble to figure out if it is good for them or bad and then how to handle it. Nancy would come over with her boys Arthur and John and my girls would play in the yard. Nancy and I would compare notes on her boys doing things as comparison to my girls. Diane was looking to me to give her answers as I had just experienced that stage with my girls. I was serenely planning all the cute dresses to get them that I would have loved to wear when I was a boy. I so hoped they would not be tom boys. But Margaret was already showing me she loved frilly dresses and her favorite color was lavender. I had two very feminine girls they were never really interested in slacks. Choosing a pretty dress instead. Perhaps this is due because they never saw me or my aunt, Diane or even Nancy in pants. Even though most of their friends wore shorts. My girl friends were always taken back to find out it was not my idea for them to always wear a dress but theirs.

Some may equate femininity with softness and passivity but it is not. My girls are as feminine as they come but they are also fighters and I soon learned they were also brave as well. When the storm winds came it made all the difference.

A hurricane blew in from the coast it was powerful and spawned tornadoes in its death troughs. The storm came upon us like some great beast. First the sky was dark. Then the dark moved over us like the last days of the earth. The wind began to pick up like some thing from hell's depths. Frank had gone to Vidalia on business so I was alone. The old house creaked and moaned. But it was strong and heavily built to last a long time. Things were being blown about the yard so I closed all the shutters over the windows. It was dark in the house. By ten the power went out and we went on oil lamps. The wind increased to a howl like some hells hound dog. The house became cold despite the fire in the grate. The girls were visibly frightened. I was terrified but I dare not show it lest the girls see the fear in me. I tried to tell my self it was all in my mind but I knew in my heart as well that something bad was going to happen. Aunt Pat used to be able to tell of bad things about to happen. She would warn people don't take that plane or go on this boat not that one. People began to listen to her when she was young for she was always correct on her premonitions. That is how she got the reputation of being a witch. Over the years I began to have them also, "witch's daughter" they said. But they listened to me. It was a tag that would follow me to the present. Now those feelings were over me like some cold and clammy thing. I had cramps so bad I could barely move and it was not my time of the month. It was so cold I sent Elizabeth to get some blankets in the back of the house. The wind was at a fever pitch. The rain came down in torrents and the road was a wide swift river of water.

I heard it before I realized what it was. The huge tree between the barn and the house was falling over. Then there was a terrific crash. Things fell off shelves, the house shuttered as if a giant had hit it with a hammer. I looked around and my heart came up in my throat. Elizabeth was not there. I remembered were she went and I grabbed the light and ran to the back of the house where our bedrooms were, but it was not there! Our house had been added on over the years and was really a series of several houses joined together. The back of the house where the bedrooms were was flattened; the house ended at the bedroom hall door frame the rest of the house was open to the storm. The tree had hit the walls and crushed everything. In the storm it was unrecognizable were the bedroom walls once had been because now there were only broken timbers that lay all around. The rain came down horizontally. The drops hitting me like bullets cold, hard each stung me like a bee. The wind screamed in my ears like some angry beast a hundred feet tall. I had to hold on to the wood or I would be blown over. I turned back to see Margaret in the opening her face was a mask of terror. I moved the light around until it fell on my missing daughter. She was pinned under a beam that had slipped from its position when the roof shattered and now it was crushing the life out of my little girl! She couldn't breathe! I placed the light down and began to try to move the beam. A rational person might have argued successfully that the beam was easily eight hundred pounds and a hundred and ten pound woman could never move it much less lift it (the female hormones had removed any male strength I might have had). But I was no longer rational all I knew was, that thing was attacking my daughter and instincts far more basic had taken over in me. I could no longer think then I heard Elizabeth call "mommy help me" and my mind screamed I must help her nothing else mattered in the world. I found a wood beam and managed to wedge it under the huge bean that trapped my daughter. I saw Margaret looking at me in horror. I tried to move the beam but I could not get it to budge even with the leaver I had wedged under the beam. I braced my self using my feet to push. I reached down into myself to a spot of calm and strength. I called to god "please help me I need your power", and I pushed! My arms and legs screamed in agony but I didn't feel it. My whole being was focused on the beam. I called on God once more "you had a child once that you loved in his name help me!" A warm feeling came over me, the wind seemed to fade away I no longer felt the rain. I turned to the beam. It must move! ... It had to move, .... It would move! ...... It was ...moving!!! With a groan it came up and I heard a snap and knew my leg had broken. I screamed to Margaret to pull Elizabeth out from under the bean. With great effort Margaret managed to pull Elizabeth clear and I collapsed. My leg showed a compound fracture the bone was sticking out from my leg. Blood poured from my leg and was quickly washed away by the torrent of rain. I knew I had only moments to get inside the still intact part of the house before I passed out from loss of blood. The 40 feet to the door was agony Margaret helped us both. To this day I do not know how I made it. To me it seemed like it took hours. I crawled and dragged my self and my mangled leg to the door I don't know how but I got inside and managed to put a tunicate around my leg to stop the blood. With the realization that Elizabeth was safe I returned to more rational thinking and the pain hit me like a trip hammer. I had moved the beam but I had done it at the expense of my body. The pain was terrible but pain and I were old friends. From every beating I had suffered I knew pain well. I gulped down this pain as I had so many times before but I could not fight any longer I was dizzy from the loss of blood and after I assured myself Elizabeth was not seriously injured the darkness washed over me. Margaret was terrified when I passed out. She knew we both needed help and fast. She put on her rain slick and then did the bravest thing a ten year old could ever do. She faced her fears of the storm. Opened the door and walked out into it. The wind hit her and she was blown over. She got up and hand over hand crawled through the fields at the height of the storm to Diane's farm a half mile away. The rain had made the earth liquid mire. At one place she lost her shoe in the earthen quick mud. But she went on, the stones cut her foot badly and the plants lashed her face drawing blood she arrived at Diane's muddy, cut and bleeding. Telling of what had happened in tears. Diane and David came over the field to find me lying there Elizabeth clinging to me in pain.

I awoke up in a hospital bed there was Frank holding my hand. Tears streaming down his face.

"Elizabeth I asked?"

".... Is all right she had three cracked ribs the doc taped up her ribs and she will be fine."

Frank told me of what Margaret had done. My own Margaret had saved us both. It must have been terrible to go across the field in such conditions but she did it. I was so pleased with my self I had raised two beautiful girls. So far I had done all right by them. The rest of the mothers might talk about how good their children were but not one ever did what mine did. Talk all they want I knew my girls were the best. But Frank continued.

"Diane has got the girls. Margaret says you moved that center beam. I can't believe it. It took David, me and Joey from the mill to load the beam on the truck with a winch."

My leg was repaired, the doctors had to put a steel pin in it. I now had more metal in my body I could set off metal detectors in the next county. I was released from the hospital after a week with a huge cast on my leg. But when I arrived home it brought only heartache. Half of the house was gone and the barn roof was missing there was debris everywhere. The fields were ruined no crop was going to be raised from those fields. We had put in three thousand dollars in seed and it was all gone along with the chickens and ducks and the big steer we had bought in the spring. I bent down and picked up a broken piece of wood it was a carved rose with part of the F in it. It was the carving on the mantel that Frank had carved before he went to war.

"Oh Frank I said as I began to cry what ever are we to do now?"

  

  

  

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