The Story of Sissy

by Lady Katherine

 

Alice could not help her lips curing up into a smile as she began: `Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too! I never saw one alive before!'

`Well, now that we HAVE seen each other,' said the Unicorn, `if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?'

 

Then it was time to leave so I said my good bye's and left to go one last time to aunt Pat's house to change my clothes. Nancy helped me change from my wedding dress to my traveling dress and we were off on our honeymoon. I did not have any idea as to what was going to happen next. I was out of the protection of Apple Valley and on my own. Of course, not really, my husband was beside me. But it was only the seconded time I was traveling as a woman. I noticed all conversation was directed at Frank. (Would your wife like a glass of tea? Do you think your wife would like this? It would look so good on her sir.) I have always been a shy and passive person although I feel things deeply. Having a husband seemed so natural for me because I did not have to deal with the people we met. I only had to deal with my husband. For me it was a super arraignment. We checked in at the resort on the coast. It offered everything, boating, deep sea fishing (ugh but this time I was a different sex and I was allowed to be squeamish). There was dancing every night in a full ballroom. But from the bulge in Frank's pants I knew the first and possible the only room I would see for the next two weeks was the bedroom. We came in and Frank took care of the luggage while I waited in the lobby. I was in 4 inch heels and wore a one piece tight sheath dress of shiny electric blue satin. It was so tight you could see my molds and I could barely walk I felt super. I wore a wide brim matching hat. I had let my nails grow and they were the longest I ever had them. They made my hands useless for anything but looking pretty and sex. I polished them with a bright Chinese red color that matched my lip color. I got more than a few looks of approval from the men and one woman. But Frank was back before any of the men got up enough courage to talk to me. We went up to the 23rd floor, it was a bridal suite of three rooms a large bedroom and a living room and a large bathroom. Off the bedroom and living room were big balconies overlooking the ocean, what a view it had. Frank paid off the bell boy and had his arm around me before I could get to the balcony and led me to the bedroom. Oh well the view would not change.

We went into the bedroom where there was waiting Champaign and a cheese board. Frank opened the champagne and we talked small talk about the wedding. Till our glasses were empty well I thought he might be waiting for me. So I got up and turned my back to him and he unzipped me. I let my dress fall to the floor and slipped my slip off also. The dress had a built in bra so I was now in a garter belt, stockings and panties. He turned me around and sat down in the chair and began sucking on my nipples. He held me around my waist while I stood before him bending slightly letting my breasts dangle before him. My nipples had become very sensitive in my feminization and all this attention was making me horny, my nipples became hard as a rock. Then Frank pulled down my panties and I stepped out of them. He had me spread my legs and he brought his tongue to my pussy and began to insert it. I grabbed his shoulders for support as his cute little tongue darted everywhere in my new hole then it hit a spot I didn't even know was there, really, I had only touched it a few times but Frank's tongue had made real contact with it and my body stiffened like it had an electric shock. Franks tongue came back to it and danced around it. It was incredible pleasure I started panting like a little dog as he played with it. Then he slipped his tongue out and stood up removed his pants and shorts. I knew what he wanted I hated the negative connotation of being a cock sucker but I knew so many of my friends sucked their husbands cock no one ever called them that. Oh well what is in a word anyway that's what he wanted me to be but I was so worked up I really didn't care. So I slid to my knees and began to lick his cock. It tasted like lifeboy soap. A few licks of my tongue on ether side of his prick and it began to get harder. I kissed it on the tip and then slid it into my mouth. I wanted to take as much of it as I could but when I felt the tip enter my throat I pulled out using my lips to form a vacuum around the growing shaft. Frank then slipped it completely out of my mouth and picked me up and carried me to bed. He spread my legs out as far as they would go then he loomed over me. For a brief moment of time I saw Buford Pucket over me with his sick smile but only for a second then it was Frank again. For the first time I had seen him naked after he came home from the war. It was a shock. He now had numerous scars crisscrossing his muscled body. He had been hurt worse than he ever let on. I didn't care I told myself. Never once had he ever held back because of the vicious scars on my back. He seemed to realize what I was thinking and he held back for a second. I smiled to him and pulled him toward me. He understood then that I didn't care. In fact he was more desirable because we both knew all about that kind of pain. Soon he was close and he was sliding his cock between my legs I slipped my hand down to guide his shaft into me. At first it hurt a bit I was a little small for him then. It quickly began to feel wonderful. (Over the years my body adjusted to fit his shaft). My juices began to flow and it became easier and felt better. By this time I was panting faster and faster till my body had a spasm and I arched my back against it and I let out little short screams between breaths. I dig my hands into his arms as waves of pleasure washed over me. Just as my body was coming down he came and I could feel his cock pump sperm into me for what seemed like an hour. Then he held his cock in me till it began to soften and he slipped it out and went to get a shower. I was still trying to clam down after all that. I had no idea how Frank felt I never made it with a women. But I felt like I was ridden hard and put away wet. I lay on the bed trying to calm my body down. I could not imagine having sex any other way. I liked that my own body was being used for pleasure. Poor guys all they have is that little pick. It was so good that if I had my vagina when I was young I would have made it with a lot of boys I knew. Yes but I would probably get pregnant and then have to marry someone stupid. Or for that matter father probably would simply not have adopted a girl. I wondered how long it took men to recover from having sex. So they could do it again because I defiantly wanted it again and soon. I know what you're thinking and they are very dirty thoughts. I wobbled into the bathroom. As Frank came out and ordered some food. Well! I thought, Nancy got her wish. Frank had fucked my brains out.

If my body could use any of the sperm in my pussy now I would have let it stay there. Sadly I would not get pregnant no matter how long I let it stay. So I got my douche kit and cleaned myself out. I started to giggle as I did. I thought my god I was a screamer! I used to listen to the older boys as they described their sexual conquests to each other and the girls they smirked about were the screamers who screamed at her climax. Well I could not help my self. I had to scream and I knew I would do it again. I wonder I thought what those boys would be if they were turned into females. Well I giggled I am no longer a virgin.

I don't know how Frank felt about sex. For that matter I don't know how men feel about having sex with women. But it was sure must be different than I felt about it. He seemed pleased with him self that he could turn me on so completely. But when it was over it was over for him, where I found I had a body that needed to slow it down to tamp down the fires. We had sex as often as we could after our bodies had recovered from the previous time. The more sex we had the better it got and the easier Frank could turn me on. We found we could do it just by suggestions the way I moved my body next to his and what I wore. I won't write down how he could turn me on. That is a wife thing. It wasn't all sex there though it did consume a lot of our time.

Just about every everything was glitter and shine there. They held a gala ball or dinner theater every night. Of course both places required formal wear I had brought with me several cocktail dresses that were much too sexy for little Apple Valley and one ball gown. I had more but ball gowns were not easy to pack at least not mine. But all the stores specialized in just such dresses. It occurred to me that it was very convenient that they did. I also noted that the stores selection in gowns while splendid always required matching shoes and accessories. Frank is quite an understanding man and insisted in paying for all my dresses despite knowing I had money for them. He could not however understand why I needed the shoes that matched or things that went with the gown (like petticoats). He never experienced things like that. Of course being a male he would never encounter the like in male clothes. It is difficult to convince a man that you cannot go the same place more than once in the same dress. My husband has three formal suits they are all black and they all look the same and he likes it that way! For me one of the best rewards for being a female is wearing pretty things and not feeling guilty about it. .Or never be embarrassed that I have a closet full of pretty lace. Each dress was prettier than the last and having Frank to lean on and promenade me around the dance floor was so nice. I did love to dance with Frank he was a good dancer and knew how to move me around in an evening gown. I could see the other women look at Frank with some envy when we did this. He looked so handsome and a bit rakish with his eye patch. Eat your hearts out ladies I thought he is mine! All mine. I also found out allot about my self in those two weeks. From how I liked sex as a woman to my love of flirting with men it was always innocent on my part. I felt so pretty in my dresses and everything seemed to be glamorous. All my life from my earliest memories I wanted to act that way but it usually brought a fist in my mouth from the boys. So I learned early on not to show my feelings or reactions. I knew I could never be myself in front of others. So I never felt good about myself back then. Not when I had these strange feelings .Males were not supposed to have those type of reactions. If I was gay and liked men as a male I would have had a better life. I could have hid my gayness and still have male feelings. And that was the insane paradox I was all the names the boys had called me. Now I was freer than I have ever felt. It felt so good just to be myself I cried. Only someone who is a transgenderd person could really understand that last statement. It is something that we all have in common some more or less but we all have that feeling of "Would you still love me if you knew what I was?".

I liked men's attentions it made me feel so special and yes normal. But I was careful. I was a married women and so I had my limits and fortunately Frank was understanding. So it was sex in the morning, tennis in the afternoon and dancing in the evening. We were not the only newly weds there of course. We met the Tounsteads, Elaine and Robert. We grew to be great friends and have gone on many a vacation with them. (The guys liked deep sea fishing. But Roberta and I don't have to fish just cook for them) for me it was a revelation in how couples acted. Frank dropped me with Elaine and left with Robert. So Elaine and I talked, we found out we had so much in common. We became fast friends, she told me of Atlanta and I told her of Apple Valley. With her I could forget my past for long periods of time. I laughed more than I ever did in my life. Truly it was a wonderful time. She admitted to me she could barely make toast. Well I had two years of home economics at the mount they really had you cook whole meals that others would have to eat so you got it right. So I found my self giving her some crash lessons in basic cooking. It was so odd to have a woman learning from me about domestic things but there I was talking about what her husband likes and seeing if she could prepare it for him. Of course Frank was no cook he never learned even a concept of cooking. He could barely boil water from scratch. So when we went on fishing or camping trips in the great woods guess who gets to stay at camp for the day and cook wash breakfast dishes so that you could fix lunch. Wash lunch dishes so you can fix dinner etc. Still no matter how sexist it sounded those days are like beautiful flowers pressed in a book. I come back to their sweet fragrance again and again. My best memories are the very same ones at camp watching my children grow up and taking care of my husband. But I am getting ahead of my self.

It was very interesting learning about the dynamics of married couples. Frank and I were already doing things that married couples did without realizing it or more exactly he did. Things like going in a car. Before, Frank and I got into the front seat and Mary and eddy got in the back. Now Frank wanted to talk with Bob so Elaine and I went into the back. It seems so funny now. Do couples still do that these days?

It was over all too quickly and we were heading back to the valley and a new home for me and frank. I kept forgetting that it was a new home for frank as well. Frank would tell me about the farm. What he put in and why cotton, corn, wheat etc. It all seemed so distant living in aunt Pats house in town. But were we would live was farm land and I had a horrible thought. I didn't know a dam thing about farming. Don't you go and laugh now. Do you know how to milk a cow and when?

Finally we pulled into the drive of my new home. Our neighbors had been busy and had decorated the house in ribbons. We passed the old barn on our right and drove down to the newly finished house. The back half was the oldest of the structure nothing in this valley is ever thrown away just reused. While I was a farmer's wife I was born in privilege. My dresses I had bought would be a small fortune to some of the wives I had delivered babies for. Most would have only two formal gowns one for her prom and one for her wedding and it was not uncommon to remake her prom dress into a wedding gown. Their life would be one of incredible poverty and hard work I have had supper with many of them. At first they shied away from supper offer because well how they would eat. City folk think farm people eat incredible meals with meat and incredible bounty. The truth was far from that. You canned everything! How many years did my Nancy and Diane come over and we would can our tomatoes until my hands would burn from the acid in the tomatoes. Often for supper they had corn soup because that was in season meat was what they could sell not for them unless it was a real bounty year Yet these women who put in long hours along with there man still were able to keep their house spotless and their kids clean and well mannered. I felt so humble in there presence I could see their poverty and yet felt their strength. They looked up to me. I represented to them a well educated woman. (Most of them never made it passed the eighth grade before having their first baby). I was a woman with her own money so I was almost independent but my husband and the farm made me one of them. So at times I would be asked to be their voice in matters with their husbands or officials of the town. It was a heavy responsibly. One I fulfilled with all my heart. If I was going to be a woman then I best pay my dues and work to improve our lives. When I walked into the kitchen to get Frank some lunch the women had been busy the cupboards were full with can goods each had given what they could despite the fact I could easily buy commercial goods at the store. It came with a hook of course when I made my can goods then they would get some of mine. I knew each jar from the label or just its contents of which woman made it. To know that you would have to spend your time at the women's booth at the fair were they judged the ladies can goods. Mine would be there next year though I had no hope of winning for a while till I learned more. But I was expected to bring some so they could rate me and my skill. It is heard to explain to someone who didn't live in a small town or know nothing of the domestic side. If I didn't bring some canned goods then I was just like the bar girls. But I just cannot explain why. We all just understood it. Even some unmarried girls brought in their canning. Naturally if they were good then they would be considered top marriage prospects. I hope this makes sense and not just babble.

We were left alone for the first few days to settle in. It was just as good for Frank was still in a sexual mood. I was about to set out the lunch on the table when Frank came and put his arms around me. The next thing I felt was my dress zipper being pulled down and he slipped off my dress then my petticoats. Aunt Pat had for ever tried to get me to wear a corset as she did for most of her life. So I finally gave into her and began wearing a heavy stayed corset. So Frank discovered I was tightly laced into a black corset. The corset made my small waist even smaller and made it impossible to bend at the waist. It seemed he really liked it. I could by now tell when something turned him on even with a passing woman and believe me I noted what she was wearing. He made sure I was kept well supplied with corsets and he would feel my waist for them. I by this time loved to keep him horney. It meant he kept me sexually satisfied. He was unable to get to my nipples but he made up for it by feeling me in my corset. Frank picked me up and put me on the kitchen table and made love to me there. I wondered if mother ever had the experience. For all the years when I was young male all I ever saw was him beating her. Every time I served tea to the ladies auxiliary I would have a mental image of me getting screwed where they were having tea. To my utter shock I found out one day I was not the only woman to be made love on her kitchen table. In fact the table was quite mild in comparison to some of the places my friends have gotten screwed. None of the ladies would consider themselves lewd, I didn't. I don't know what city women's conversions were like but sex for us was as natural as talking about the price of peaches. But of course never in front of any man, we were ladies after all.

The house was furnished with what people could give and we could afford. But my bedroom was all new, I insisted. Aunt Pat smiled and told Frank that was one area that he had to accept my judgment. I was getting used to snuggling up next to a male in bed. I would wake up late at night when my dreams were bad. And see him sleeping there. I would often just stare at him for hours as he slept. He was so much like a contented baby his arms around me, protecting me.

About a week later Mary came over with the girls. Frank was out in the fields with David. Farming does not wait for love. Since David's land joined ours Frank decided to pool their resources. But that was no concern for Diane and I we had other duties. I didn't know how much I missed the girls until they came bouncing from the car. Elizabeth had started to walk by now although she sat down often. They just loved our ducks and rushed for the flock. As Mary and I went to the porch swing to talk and watch the girls I served ice tea and Mary turned to me and asked:

"Well how was he?"

"I am no longer a virgin if that's what you mean I giggled?"

"Come on Sissy give. I have been waiting a month for this."

"He is just great in bed and we had such a good time. But I really miss those kids of yours."

"They really missed you, Margaret keeps asking where is her other mother? So when are you going to need my services?"

I turned away from Mary I might as well face up to the problem now it would only get harder. Aunt Pat said she would tell my in-laws but Mary and Nancy were my responsibility.

"Mary I began I am not going to be able to have children!" There it was out I had said it.

"Oh Sissy I am so sorry I didn't know. It must be terrible for you. It has to do with those scars on your back, doesn't it?"

"Yes that really is the truth I am not thrilled with the prospect Mary but what can I do? I guess we will adopt but I do not know how he will take it."

"You haven't told him sissy?"

"I have tried but I could never get it out of my mouth. Besides any children we would adopt would never be as good as your two little darlings."

"That is because you weaned them on your own nipples I find that makes a special bond with them you can't easily break. What you feel will change when you are holding your own babies. Maybe you can adopt one when they are still breast feeding. I am sure the doctor can get you to wet nurse them, he did it with other women."

"I am not so sure about that but it all depends on Frank. What he thinks of the idea."

"Well no matter what happens dear Sissy you have me. Ill be there for you."

"I know Mary. I thank you for that."

Frank was deeply disappointed with me at the news of my infertility. Aunt Pat hinted it happened when I was beaten as a child. He struggled for some time with his feelings. I waited around like some child wondering if she would get punished or not. He was neither loving nor hostile toward me. My aunt Pat was no good she told me he was my husband and I had to work it out with him. She could not help any longer. For the first time I regretted my decision to become a woman. Perhaps one day the operation will be such that it would allow you to bear children. It was too late for me. If I had remained a male I would already be dead and I would not be screwing up Frank's life. He would have a woman that would give him as many babies as he wanted. Now he had me, a continuing fuck up my whole life. Every day Frank would leave with David to work on the land. I would watch him go. He would kiss me but there was no love in it. Diane would stay over with me. I would pour my heart out to her. I cried every day. I guess for some not having kids would be a blessing. I must admit I did not look forward to months of being sick in the mornings. Then months of having a belly like a house. Nancy's pregnancy was something I would hate to endure. Even giving birth and the pain involved is not something I would wish to do often. Yet I have delivered some of these women's tenth baby. Why do they do it? Some I know because the church tells them they cannot refuse there husband's demands for sex and once pregnant they cannot abort it. So they remain poor and buried in children with always one nursing at their tits. I blame the men for that. There smirking "keep em barefoot and pregnant" attitude makes me furious. Their idea that a woman was just a baby making machine or ready sex on demand and nothing more the men blame us for having too many babies when all they had to do is wear a condom. My speeches to them were ignored of course I was a woman too. I was told to go home to my husband and get myself pregnant and keep out of men's business. The truth was I did desperately want to have a baby or two, not ten of course despite all the pain and discomfort and loss of identity.

The straw that broke the camels back came when Diane stopped over in smiles and told me she was pregnant, I was devastated. She wanted me to perform the delivery. I felt the green eyes of envy creep up in me. I told her that. She understood. It was enviable that she would get pregnant. She was a woman and married. The next step for all normal women was of course children. That night Frank was even colder to me than normal and went to bed early. I scraped his untouched supper that I had spent all day on to show him I cared, off his untouched plate. I sat in my kitchen and cried this was even worse than the beatings mother endured. As if in a dream I went up stairs and drew a hot bath. When it was done I opened the medicine cabinet and found a package of razor blades and opened them up and exposed my wrists. I tried not to think about what I was about to do. I had fucked up my life with this fantasy and I could not go on this way. I wished I had never been born. All my life I had never fit in anywhere. I was always the outsider. I would never be a normal anything and I was tired of it. I drew the blade across my wrist and watched the red fluid come out and flow into the water as the world began to wash away the blade was knocked away and I lost the blade. There was Frank!

"What in hell are you doing woman?"

"What does it look like I whispered? This way you can find someone who can give you your own children with your own blood that you can pass down the mill to."

He slapped me across the face hard. "Don't you ever try this again you know when my huey went down the only thing that kept me alive was your love. I had only one thought, to come back to you. I love you so much you little fool. I don't want anybody but you. No woman could ever take your place in this house or my heart."

He began to cry I had never seen him shed even one tear. He kissed me tenderly and with trembling hands began to wrap my bleeding wrist. In that moment I understood what I almost done. I had been only thinking of my pain. Frank would not remarry and I would condemn him to live his life out in loneliness.

"I have been so stupid! He began. Sissy I love you so much. To hell with kids if I would lose you if you want we will adopt some. As many as you want, girls boys I don't care just promise me you will never try this again. Please don't go away from me. I got so scarred when I thought you might die. You're the only thing I have that is worth a dam to me. Promise you will never leave me, promise me!"

I promised him and I knew I had his love back. The pain I had been feeling dissolved in his kiss. We went back to bed and made love like the first time. I had Frank back. Better still he would adopt children. It was not everything but short of my pregnancy it was everything I could ask for. Frank even said I could pretend to be pregnant and another woman could have a baby for me. Then no one would know I could not have children. I thought of Mary's suggestion of the doctor giving me hormones that trigger milk production and adopt a new born. I would love to have a baby suckle on my tits like Margaret and Elizabeth did when they were born, except this time my breasts would give mike. The world was open to all possibilities.

As usual with me when the world opens up something always happens to change my world forever. Months after my suicide attempt we got a midnight call from Nancy.

"Sissy she screamed! Come to the hospital quick Mary has been hurt."

Frank and I rushed to the hospital. Nancy was already there Mary lay in a big bed with tubes in her. She looked so helpless. As I looked at her Nancy explained to us what happened:

"It was a kid from the bogs. He was drunk and joy riding his hot rod when he went through the maple hill light and hit Mary head on. She was going to deliver Marcy Toliver's baby. The boy who did it is dead. He died at the scene. Mary never knew what had hit her she said."

"How is Mary I asked?"

"She is not expected to make it Sissy" Nancy told me as she held me, "Dear God this is not happening sissy!"

"No! I said this is our Mary she is the tough one. You know Nancy you know she is tough."

"I am so sorry Sissy but she is bleeding in her head they are flying a surgeon in but he is not expected to be here for 8 hours. She has said good bye to her girls though I think only Margaret understood."

"I wish I could have been here."

"No! Sissy, No you don't. Tom couldn't take it he had to leave. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. Aunt pat has taken the girls home. She will be back as soon as she can."

I went in and sat down by her

"Hi Mary don't worry the doctor is coming. Then you will be fine."

Nancy took Frank out of the room and Mary and I were alone.

"You're always the dreamer knothead. But I loved you for that. I loved you so much. It never mattered what you were before you came here. I know you were not a girl then but I still loved you and your cute little growing tits."

"You knew?"

"Yes Frank never caught on. It was when you were at the beach those early days. He was too smitten with you to notice. But I could not take my eyes off you dear. You were so pretty and yet not exactly like a female. I fell deeply in love with you but how could I tell you. Anyway what did it matter? You were falling in love with Frank and you knothead didn't even know it."

"Does Nancy know?"

"She only knows I am deeply love you, nothing about your past of course she is not physically attracted to you like I am. When you came back from that trip after Eddy's funeral you were so different Nancy noticed a change but she didn't know what was different. But I knew, in my heart I knew you were not a boy any more. You had such a great figure now. You really do have a cute ass on you Sissy. Did you know I was in love with you all these years?"

"Oh yes raggedy Ann I knew. I have always known in my heart. You were so special to me I do love you my sweetheart I admitted."

She reached up and I put my arms around her and kissed her as a lover would. She seemed so frail now.

"Sissy do you know what I have always wanted to do .....?"

"I know sweetheart I know."

"I unbuttoned my blouse and slipped my bra up to expose my breasts Mary smiled. I let her suck my nipples till they were both hard."

"You knew Mary said surprised!"

"You could have made it plainer only if you put it on a billboard. I said, ever since Nancy's wedding when you got drunk and made a pass at me. I was sure. The bride should never make a pass at the bride's maid. I said as I got covered again and sat down holding her hand."

"Sissy she said softly. I want you to take my daughters!"

"What?"

"I want you to take my daughters and be their mother."

"Mary I can't, I am not even family"

"You're more family than I ever had. And you're as much their mother as I am. They already think of you as their mother. Besides it is all arranged who else can take them Nancy has three and I know Sissy you will never have babies of your own. Boys who become girls can't have their own babies. It was so sad when read that."

"Is that why you wanted them to mark me as their mother as well as you?"

"Yes I but I never knew this would happen then. I thought at we could share them. You love them as much or more than I do. Just don't spoil them. I know you will raise them as ladies. To know right from wrong and to fight for what they believe in. Like your lady Katherine."

"Mary I have no experience being a young girl you know. What do I say to them when they ask about things I should know about or what I did when I was a girl?"

"You will know Sissy tell them from your heart. It was born a female one let it tell you......"

Mary's face became ashen and she said in a whisper. "I think you better call the doctor quickly I don't feel well." I pulled the call button and then called in Nancy who was just outside. Every one came running but I could feel her slip away even as I held her hand. She looked at me with love for as long as she could then her eyes fluttered closed and she let out one last breath. I was pushed away then by the staff. And they worked on her furiously as a lump formed in my throat. The doctor was arriving any minute. To me they moved like in slow motion I will never forget that moment. I remember it as if it was an hour ago. Then they stopped and shook their heads she was gone. If the boy was alive then I would have killed him without another thought for what he had done in such a careless act. Someone was screaming a high squeaky voice. I wanted to beat my hands into the wall but somebody was holding me. The room became distorted. Frank was holding me he forced my arm out and a man in a white coat injected me with something. I realized I was the one screaming. I looked at Frank befuddled as I began to fall into a pit of blackness.

I awoke one or twice and after each time I began to scream and Frank held me from hurting myself. Finely I awoke without struggling and found myself in my own bed Frank was there. He held me at first but I was much to empty to fight any longer. Nor could I cry and I knew I needed to cry for her, my little raggedy Ann. I learned I had been out for days. In the morning they would bury Mary next to her husband. Not to far from the Freeborn section so she would be close to my grave when I went. In the morning I found a black dress to wear, it had a simple a line skirt and a square neckline I decided to put the emerald pendent on as the only bit of color. And for some reason I took my violin as well. I moved like a mechanical robot. Not really seeing.

When we got to the church the whole town was there. In fact extra seats were set up in the narthex and along the walls to hold all the people and still there was a lack of seats. Flowers covered everything they could not put all the arraignments in the small church. These were people not just there for show they were really saddened by her loss. Some were openly crying in great sobs. The whole town really loved her. Aunt Pat came up to me smiling. She had seats up front. Frank went on ahead and she looked at the pendent.

"Who told you to wear that?"

"I don't know Aunt Pat it seemed that I should."

"It is very appropriate for you to have that on. If you only knew just how appropriate it is but I can't understand how you just knew."

Nancy gave the eulogy. They wanted me to give it but I could not. I could barley speak. After the service people filed by to see Mary one last time before they gave her to the earth. But I could not bear to see her in a casket. The only woman I had ever loved the way I did with Frank, was dead. Tom, Frank, David and one of Eddy's brothers were pallbearers. We filed down the walkway into the graveyard passed a fresh grave of the boy who killed my Mary. I was to empty even to hate him anymore. I watched them pray over her and then each placed a hand full of dirt on her casket but I could not do that. Nancy must have known for she handed me a rose tied to a forget-me-not. I threw that on her casket. I would not forget. It seemed everyone was watching me. Trying to take their cue from me, but I was to grief stricken to care. After a while they left and it was just Frank and Nancy with me. I sat down on a near by stone and began to play. I tried to wash the grief out into my music but there was so much it was like trying to empty the ocean. A whippoorwill flew down and rested on Mary's head stone and called as I played. The shadows grew long and I played on. I could not stop while my world was falling. The shadows faded into dusk and still I kept playing. As the moon came out I could feel warm blood from my fingers trickle down my arm as I played.

"Mommy! Are you going to be my mommy now?"

I looked down and saw my Margaret standing there. Aunt Pat had brought Margaret and Elisabeth to me. I put down my violin with stiff bloody hands. And picked up Elisabeth and sat Margaret down beside me.

"I love you mommy. Please don't go to heaven like mommy Mary said Margaret."

I brushed little tears from Margaret's face. Then my body racked with great sobs I began to cry. She knew I thought. All along raggedy Ann knew. "Ill keep them safe my dear Mary I told the head stone and the whippoorwill. Ill protect them and raise them to be kind and loving ladies. Thank you raggedy Ann for so much I said to the head stone and the whippoorwill on it." I heard the whippoorwill call again and I looked up to see a red crested whippoorwill as she flew up into the night air and fade into the moons light.

  

  

  

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