The Story of Sissy

by Lady Katherine

 

Only it is so VERY lonely here!' Alice said in a melancholy voice; and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling down her cheeks.

`Oh, don't go on like that!' cried the poor white Queen, wringing her hands in despair. `Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what a long way you've come to-day. Consider what o'clock it is. Consider anything, only don't cry!'

 

Three days later the phone rang it was Aunt Pat

"Sissy your mother passed away last night. We didn't expect it. We thought she had more time. I am sorry. You need to come home."

"Home, I said I can't come home!" I look ridicules in male pants and women's pants will just show off my curves."

"Then you must just come in a dress. Let them see Sissy said Aunt Pat."

I felt a cold chill up my back and I said "Aunt Pat they will not understand."

"I know honey she said but son or daughter you have to attend your mother's funeral. Show them what a beautiful woman you have become and I don't mean physically. Look Sissy continued Aunt Pat, pack a bag and come to my townhouse you will not be alone my side of the family is coming they will support you. It will be only for one night."

I didn't like it but in my heart I knew she was right. I arrived in the morning. Aunt Pat met me at the station. When I got to Aunt Pat's townhouse mother's side of the family was there already. They were in a deep conversation as I entered the room one by one each turned to me in smiles and began to clap. Aunt Pat was close behind me.

"Ladies she began my I present Sissy daughter of our Loretta. Sissy this is your Aunt Charlotte your Aunt Helen and of course you Uncle Marty."

They continued to clap even more. I blushed as Uncle Marty walked closer to me and said "but sister surly no. There is so much of the old blood in her she must be a Waveraly."

"By blood my brother? I do believe it. He has had the trait since birth said Aunt Pat."

"Then we agree spoke Aunt Charlotte."

All said yes. I didn't know what was going on. I assumed that they were deciding to support me. Uncle Marty slid his fingers down my cheek bone and said

"You make a prettier girl than I ever could."

Aunt Pat broke in and said, "I am truly sorry to rush Sissy but we must be at the funeral home early to be sure every thing is correct. And you have to get dressed." I put on a simple black linen a line dress with a scooped neckline and a wide belt that accented my hips and breasts. If they wanted to see me then let them see what I have become I thought. Mother and Aunt Pat paid good money to make me look this way. Let them see the results. I added a pill box hat with a veil covering my eyes. And 3 inch heels. I wore simple single pearl earrings in my ears.

We were going through the door of the funeral home just as father was driving up. We quickly went to the casket. Mother was in a beautiful green velvet dress with a plunging neckline and a blonde wig. She had on high heels. Her nails were bright red and she had on a beautiful pendent resting on her bare chest. An emerald the size of a pigeon's egg. With a setting so old I could not even guess its age.

"Oh Aunt Pat I said she is dressed just the way I often saw her in my dreams."

"Yes, I could not let her be buried in that dreary thing his daughter in law picked out replied Aunt Pat."

"Well I said she is beautiful."

"I knew her daughter would approve she said but we will pay hell for it when his family sees her replied Aunt Pat"

"But I said I have never seen her with that pendent."

"It is hers by right of blood it was passed to her from her mother and her mother before her. But your father forbade her to wear it. He believes it is the work of the devil said Aunt Pat."

"Is it Aunt Pat?"

"Human hands worked on this out of love replied Aunt Pat do not believe in ghost stories your father tells. To him there is evil and devils every where."

Just then I could hear father coming up to us. I closed my eyes and prayed dear Jesus my time is at hand as yours once was please stand by me and give me your courage I can't make it any other way.

Father came up to the casket and looked in and swore. "Dam it". He turned to Aunt Pat and said

"This is your work I can see. She looks like a truck stop prostitute where is the dress carol sent here?"

"I will not let her be buried in that replied Aunt Pat."

"And where did that piece of evil come from I thought it was destroyed it years ago growled father."

"Along with my sister's spirit said Aunt Pat!"

"You filthy witch began father"

But Aunt Pat cut him short

"Perhaps but if I am, I have done my work with love not with your hate and intolerance."

Then he turned to me and said

"Good god look at you. What do you think you are, a woman? Take this shit off and be a man Danny. Do you think I believe those are real women's breasts?"

"I can't father, I said, I no longer have the equipment. And yes father these are my real breasts you see."

Father turned bright red I have never seen him so angry. Long before this stage I would have been beaten to a bloody pulp.

"You abomination I should kicked you to death when I had the chance but your witch of a mother stopped me, he screamed." He turned to Aunt Pat "very well you can have the witch's body what do I care. Take it and be dammed to hell and your master satin screamed father."

He turned to me in such rage so that I thought he would strike me. Uncle Marty must have thought so also for he stood up and took a quick step toward us and blocked father from reaching me but father said;

"You are nothing to me now if I ever see you again I will kill you and your mother won't stop me this time. I should never have adopted you in the first place."

He turned and pushed uncle Marty aside and walked out of the room. I turned to Aunt Pat and said;

"That went really well didn't?"

Then my legs gave out and nearly fell but Aunt Helen grabbed me and uncle Marty brought a chair for Aunt Pat and me to sit down. Aunt Pat I asked was I adopted?

"Yes Sissy you were but as usual you father tells only part of the truth. I tell you true that is your real mother. And no we do not have a compact with the devil. We believe in a living God and his mercy and the power of nature in our lives"

I have never before been subject to open hatred for being just what I was. But it hurt deeply so many of my father's family that I had known for years would not even look at me. A few called me queer and faggot. One or two women tried to talk me into putting on some pants if only for the sake of the family but I told them sadly that I would still have my breasts which were as real as their own and I would still look female. One of them then spit on me. One women came to me and said dear if your mother only knew how terrible you looked she would want you to change. But Aunt Pat interrupted her and said

"On the contrary Margaret I bought the child's dress for her just for this funeral. I believe Loretta would approve she liked to see the child in dresses."

That stopped her fast. But most had pure hate for me. It all came to a head when carol came in with my brother and my niece. Carol took one look at me and began to laugh. Then she looked in the casket and got mad

"Where is the dress I picked out? She turned to me you Pathetic queer did you do this?"

"I did! Interrupted Aunt Pat if you have complaints then best present them to me not the child."

"I will not have her buried in that dress yelled carol!"

"You have nothing to say about it said Aunt Pat, you see her husband of 35 years just walked out and left responsibility of my sister to her daughter and she approves."

"Daughter she has no daughter. You're not telling me that piece of trash looks like a women do you screamed carol?"

"I don't know she has a much better figure than you. By comparison she makes your breasts look almost flat as a boys (I knew that was not true but the words were meant to cut). And she has done more in womanly kindness in the short time she has been a women than you have all your life replied Aunt Pat."

The color change in carol was remarkable. But she was without words. Aunt Pat had bested her. Then she saw my ring

"What's this an engagement ring? You're engaged to be married? To a man Carol screamed!"

Carol made a grab for my ring like an animal attacking it's pray. My whole mind screamed that I must protect Frank's ring at all cost. I managed to pull my hand away. I was checking my ring for any damage when carol slapped me full force across my face. So hard my earring flew off. It staggered me. But Aunt Pat held me from falling. There was a crack and I looked to see Aunt Charlotte holding Carol's wrist. Carol tried to move it but it was locked in a vice grip of Aunt Charlotte's hand. Aunt Charlotte pulled the unwilling Carol to her. And whispered

"I have been a lady all my life. Clearly you cannot be so if you do not leave this minute I will throw you out via that window."

My brother started to come up but uncle Marty stopped him. They both left, Carol with an angry red mark on her wrist like the one on my face. I was near tears and very tired. Diane my niece came and sat down beside me.

"Uncle I mean Aunt Danielle you look so pretty are you really a women now she asked."

"Almost I said as close as ill ever be."

"So you are engaged to be married how wonderful for you guess what so am I replied Diane, see" and she showed me her ring and I showed her mine.

Then we showed photos of our men.

"I have missed you so much Auntie Danielle Diane said."

"Call me Sissy every body does. I answered then tears welled up in her eyes."

"I would like to invite you to my wedding Diane sighed."

"I looked at Aunt Pat who firmly shook her head no."

"Then Diane smiled could I go to your wedding Sissy?"

"Now that could be arranged Aunt Pat said."

"I would love you to be at my wedding Diane I told her. We hugged and Diane left."

The next morning we had a simple service. No one was there but my Aunts and uncle when Diane walked in. She had a boy with her she came up to me, smiled and she began

"David this my Aunt Sissy!"

After the introductions. Diane got very serious.

"Aunt Sissy we talked it over and we decided we can't live here any more. We would not be comfortable now. Not after yesterday. I never knew what monsters my family were. David doesn't really have a family. Can we come live with you Aunt Sissy Diane asked?"

"Aunt Pat closed her eyes and clapped I think there were tears in her eyes. Absolutely dear the Gipple place is open and it's less than a mile from Sissy's farm. You can farm David can't you Aunt Pat asked?"

"I was brought up on one he said."

"Excellent exclaimed Aunt Pat but you know you will not be allowed to return home."

"I have no love here now Diane said."

"Then have your wedding and when you leave arraignments will be made Aunt Pat told her."

"Thank you great Aunt Pat, Diane smiled and they left after hugs."

Then we were alone. Just as they were about to close the casket Aunt Pat handed me a candle. Aunt Charlotte reached into the casket come here Sissy she called. I came over, Aunt Charlotte pulled out the pendent! She put it around my neck as she did she announced "by right of blood" by right of blood repeated the others. Uncle Marty put out all but one of the candles around the casket then he brought that candle over to mine and with it lit mine then he blew his out. The light is passed he announced the light is passed the rest repeated. Aunt Pat took the candle from me and kissed me

"What was that all about I asked?"

"Just a tradition Aunt Pat replied just a silly tradition."

Aunt Pat and I returned home after the service mother was to be interned in the family Waverly vault. But I could not get out of my head what had happened. I have never had pure hatred directed at me so openly. The fact that they were my own family cut wounds in me that will never heal. It has also put in me in great fear that the ones who love me could turn against me so quickly or that they would try to find me and create trouble. As I have said I am not very bright about such things. I cannot understand such hate for people who wish to live differently. For my self I have tried to live my life as the best person I could be, I know no other way. How can that be wrong? But I had more to deal with when I got home.

The train home was a long one and I needed the time to think and sort out all that had happened to me. I had a lot of pain, mother was dead and my family hated me. I could not change what I was now. I could not be a male again. As the train came closer to Apple Valley my thoughts turned to home in the valley. I was known there as Sissy Waverly soon to be Mrs. Frank Freeborn. There no one had a clue of my male past. As the sun poured down like honey on the green hills, I could see the valley spread out before me. It looked so peaceful and burgeoning. At the station my eyes searched for a particular face, my Frank who was a head taller than the others around him. The wait was unendurable before I could be held in his arms. Some of my family called me a fagot and worse for putting on a dress and loving Frank. However I had no male sex organ anymore, I did have large breasts and wide hips. Could I be called a male when I looked so much like a women. If I could not be called male then how could I be a fagot? I ran to Frank out pacing my Aunt Pat. Next to Frank was Mary and Nancy my closest friends. We were inseparable. On the way home however I felt something was wrong. There was an air of tension between Frank, Mary and Nancy. When we got home Aunt Pat had Bonnie our cook bring tea.

"OK" I said "what is wrong?"

Frank handed me a letter, it was his draft notice he was to report in 30 days. I could not believe it. Then the other shoe dropped when Mary said:

"Eddy got his notice the same day she said he is going with Frank."

Mary squeezed my hand as I looked into her eyes. I saw so much fear and pain there. The same pain I felt. Frank would be gone and I might never get him back it was so unfair. When our company left Aunt Pat put her arm around me,

"What ever am I going to do Aunt Pat"

She sighed and said "you have to walk this Path yourself dear. No one can walk this for you. I did with my first husband it is not pleasant but there will be help. You belong to this town now. They know your pain and they want to help. Just reach out to them. We may lack many things big cities have but good loving people is not one of them".

On Thursday of the week Frank was to leave the pastor came over. He had a proposition for Frank and I. As far back as the civil war when cannon fire could be heard over the next ridge. There was no time for weddings before the boys entered battle. So they said their vows of marriage with out the actual wedding until their men got home. In the mean time their wives were protected legally and would not be destitute if the man did not return. Aunt Pat was in favor of it. I didn't know what to say all this was brand new to me. Even the concept of being a wife. Females born that way had so many years to get adjusted to all this. So Frank suggested we have dinner with his parents. They lived in a graceful house on a hill just above the mill. Marie was a short dark hared women with sliver streaks in her hair Larry was a big man built like his son and balding. His parents had a wit and charm that put you quickly at ease with them. After dinner Frank told them what the pastor wanted to do. Larry took a long sip of brandy from the glass he was holding and said to me:

"When we first meet you I not like you. Life here is harsh we wanted girl for Frank that could stand hard when the land against her. You seemed a fluff, more loving about clothes than anything else. When you stayed after the summer I began to change mind. That girl Nancy and the O'Donald girl they pick you out you know. Good girls they are. And from good families too. They know girls from good stock. Then people is telling me about you saving lives with the doc. Mother here tells me how hard you fight to save the Bynard baby that mean much they are Freeborn blood. You have the makings all-right. Like my Marie she will tell you how she helped when the fever hit town. So many died the town almost wither away. We still have houses left abandoned because whole families die out. It was bad time, doctor died, grave digger died. Mother lost a son and daughter in that. Yet she fight like avenging angel to keep others from death hard against the land she is. Your Aunt she be at mother's side together they fight day and night, no sleep, no food but fight on. Many in town owe their lives to them they are loved and respected. When you come. Town think you a joke, big city girl. Frank fall in love with you though. This I think bad thing. Then you bring life to town. We see that your Aunts blood flow deep in you, in face and in heart. I could not be more proud of you than if you were my own daughter that die."

Marie interrupted, "what father is trying to say is we have thought of thee as our daughter since Frank gave thee his ring. You are a part of our family now and we welcome thee to it. We believe God measures people by what is inside them not the outside. Do have this in the church. Do not worry thy self my dear. We will gladly take such as thou in our family."

I sat in awe. Aunt Pat never even spoke about what she did during that time. Clearly my Aunt was more than she professed to be. We listened to stories of my Aunt and the town until late in the night.

Early the next day Frank took me to the house he was fixing up for us generations had added on to the original simple farm house till it was a jumble of angles and gables. It was an old house two stories high with a column front porch. It was built with no electricity or central heating. Frank had put that all in. He was so proud of the house he showed me each room with a boyish pride. Then we went up stairs he swept me into the front bedroom, that would be ours. I imagined how wonderful it could be then realized that Frank would not like my feminine bedroom I would have to think in lines that he could feel comfortable in also.

My hand caught the carvings on the new mantel piece. Around the left column was carved a brier vine on the right was a climbing rose. Around the columns they went till they met in the center of the mantel where they entwined to form two roses and in the roses were the letters S and F. He was beside me now. His arm around my waist.

"Did you carve this" I asked wide eyed?

"In my spare time I did. Like it?" he asked

"Of course I do" I said and looked into his eyes

"I love everything you do."

This man was such a good person. He knew exactly what my needs were almost before I knew them. No wonder women loved men. Yet in less than a week I would say good-bye to him. Perhaps never to see him again. It was not planed of course such things never are planed. We kissed in that room for what seemed like hours. I knew I wanted him so I got down on the bed pulled down my panties and turned around and let him mount me. I could feel his penis entering my new hole and then he stiffened and I could feel his sperm enter me. I had done it, something I thought I could not do. It was pleasant, even a good feeling. I was so glad I had a vagina now to have real sex with Frank. But I don't think I could be so intimate with any other man. No other man could ever replace him.

On Sunday we said marriage vows in church. I did not want a ring before my real wedding. Frank disagreed he wanted me to have a wedding ring while he was gone. Marie then insisted I use hers. It was a simple gold ring that would be mine next to my engagement ring until our actual marriage then it would be returned to Marie. Redeemed by Franks true ring. It seemed somehow fitting. As we said our vows I could not help notice the growing number of women wearing black. I put it out of my mind Frank was coming back, he just had to.

I was now Mrs. Frank Freeborn with a bewildering set of in-laws. Each came to me after church and welcomed me warmly into the family. They told me I did not have to worry the crops would be in on time, they would see to it. It sounded funny but I realized the crops were important to these people, now my people,. Often life or death was the measure of how full the pantry was before a hard winter. They would pledge their resources to see family was taken care of in good times and bad. I was their responsibility, family took care of family here. As Aunt Pat said "good people".

Monday was the terrible day we said good-bye to Frank and Eddy. I kept telling my self that I would see him again. I kept fiddling with the rings on my finger it was a tangible proof to a pledge Frank had made that he would come back. He had to come back. Please God let him come back! The train whistle cut through us like a knife. Then he was gone out of the valley.

Life here continued as usual I didn't understand why. Frank was gone my whole life and soul were gone, didn't anybody see that? People continued to have babies which demanded more and more of my time. Mary became a problem however. She could not live in the house Eddy got for her. She would be alone with a new baby miles from anywhere with a phone that went dead with each storm. Eddies parents were no help they lived in a small farm house with Eddies brothers she would have no privacy. Mary's own parents lived in town but they were very old and her mother could not take a new baby. So Aunt Pat suggested she stay at our house. We had room and enough women to take care of both her and her baby. So Mary settled down in the room across the hall. It was like having a sister.

Now Mary usually took tea with Aunt Pat and me at precisely 4 PM every day. But this day Aunt Pat had over the ladies auxiliary. Mary told us she didn't feel up to it and asked for tea in her room. I stayed for a brief time with Aunt Pat where for the first time I was introduced as Mrs. Sissy Freeborn. Two of the younger women knew me for I had delivered their babies. Lord I thought to myself did I ever think in my wildest dreams I would be sitting here in a dress? Taking part in this group, they were ladies who never allowed men in the same house when they meet. The conversation turned into talking about their husbands. I could not endure that so I excused myself and went up stares. All the ladies understood why I left. Up stairs I knocked on Mary's door

"Come in Sissy she chirped" have some tea. "You need to help your self Margaret Ann needs to be feed."

I poured myself a cup as Mary opened her blouse and bra. "Hand her to me will you Sissy" she asked.

As I did the infant curled up into my breasts and made little cooing noises.

"She loves you don't you know" said Mary "she bonded with you when you delivered her."

"But she knows who her real mother is." I said as I handed her to Mary.

"She likes your nipples just as much as mine." Mary replied

"Perhaps but yours give her milk I giggled."

"Look at me Sissy all this milk is making me enormous Mary exclaimed."

"Well" I said "be sure to get it all or it may turn hard."

"I will" said Mary "still I like your breasts better than mine you have such a sweet nipples. Your babies will really get a treat or will you save a nipple for Frank."

"Really Mary" I said. I knew I was blushing but Mary liked to do that to me.

"Don't, oh really Mary, me we both let our husbands suckle on our nipples. "Now that I have something to give him he is gone." She said

"You would really let Eddy nurse I asked?"

"Sure! When you are full of milk ill bet your Frank will want to get his drink. The way you're built you will have plenty of milk for both Mary responded."

I grew beat red. I knew Mary scored her point.

"Sissy!" Mary changed the subject "I think ill need you again soon. I missed my monthly again."

"Well it could be just an adjustment of the new baby" I said

"Sissy you know we both are as regular as a clock in our periods. You got yours and I missed mine she said."

"Just when did this all happen?"

"The night before he left. We made it about a dozen times. God that man has tons of sperm in him. Now it all in me." she giggled

"Sure that was a good idea Mary."

"Don't give me that Mrs. Sissy Freeborn." She whispered "Are you telling me you didn't let Frank make love to you before he left?"

"No" I said "he actually did. But it's different."

"The only difference is I got pregnant and you didn't. Although I can't see why not with a healthy boy like Frank She said."

"Well" I said changing the subject "you know the ladies down there are not going to leave here unless you bring Margaret for them to see. Those women seem never to get enough babies."

"Tell them after mother tidies up, Margaret Ann will make her appearance announced Mary."

Before I came down I looked in my closet and had to laugh when I came here I had only five dresses now it was full of beautiful clothes. My shoes lined up in various heel heights some chunky heels but mostly the spike heels I loved and had to laugh my hair had been colored in a variety of colors. I almost didn't think now when I reached in my drawer and pulled out a pair of lace covered panties, almost but not quite. I love it so. The feel of lace and nylon. Of course bras were different they held me up and I was picking them more on the basis of if they cut into my shoulders. Any one without large breasts cannot know what I mean.

Mary and I got letters from our men. We sat like little girls reading them over and over. I wanted Frank home purely for selfish reasons but something was missing. I just could not put my finger on it. I sat on our back porch way past midnight that night dressed in a sweet night gown in green with spaghetti straps. Wrapped in a satin robe high heel mules on my feet I no longer could tolerate wearing flats they hurt my feet. Aunt Pat came out and handed me a cup of cocoa. She was in a pink nylon gown and her hair was put up.

"What's the matter honey she asked?"

"I don't know maybe it is just my hormones again." I said

"You don't seem to feel this way when you are with Margaret Ann said Aunt Pat."

I smiled at just the thought of that little face.

"She is so sweet Aunt Pat I never noticed babies before."

"Why should you? Males never have "ohed and ahed" a baby. You are a women and babies are a part of that life. It just also could be the fact your best friends are pregnant and you have been delivering babies for months. Along with dealing with women who are going to have babies or who are nursing them." answered Aunt Pat smiling

"Those mothers are all so happy" I said "After all that pain they have this perfect little person that needs them. It seems every one I know is having a baby." I sighed

"Everyone except you honey Aunt Pat asked?"

Aunt Pat "I don't want to talk about this." I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

"I know it hurts knowing you can't have children. But you have your husband said Aunt Pat."

"Frank will want children when he comes back I feel I have let him down."

"You can adopt she replied."

"It is not the same I said."

"No it isn't but once you care for a little one your womanly instincts take over. You will see you will begin to love the child. You can't help your self, no women can replied Aunt Pat."

"You forget I said I am not ..."

"Don't be stupid Sissy do you think that the hormones change only your physical body? My nephew would not be having this conversation. Your whole way of thinking has changed since then. You don't have to beat your self up because of it. You are a different person with different goals accept it and move on. There are lots of women who can't have babies. It does not make them any less a woman she snapped."

"Do they know that Aunt Pat I said."

After some silence I whispered "Frank wrote a poem in his letter today."

"Really I didn't think he wrote poetry Aunt Pat smiled."

I handed her the poem:

I will love you till the day I die

I love you and here is the reason why

Because I have a aching in my soul

For you that you will never know

And I love you

I will love you with a heart that's true

And the only thing that I ask of you

Is to care for me, care for me alone

And I love you

I will love you till the day I die

I love you and here is the reason why

Because you life to me

Your just right for me

And I love you and I love you and I love you

 

Aunt Pat eyes filled with tears "my first husband Mark Steward used to write poems to me from the front."

"He is the one who died in the war isn't he?" I asked

"Shut up Sissy it's bad luck" she snapped, and turned away.

We both stared out over the valley each with our own thoughts.

The valley rambled on at it's usual pace. Run by the cycle of the seasons. In the spring a time for the planting and new babies. The summer was a time for growing and love. The fall a time for harvest and canning. The winter was a time for repairs and making babies. A time for everything, even grief.

Aunt Pat saw them first. Two men in uniform coming up the walk. "Get Mary" she said quietly but sternly, her face was ashen. It scared me to death. I ran into Mary's room I didn't even knock.

"Mary"..... I said in short breaths ... "two men in uniform" .... "Coming to the house".

Mary was by now visibly pregnant with her second baby. She put down Margaret ann. she looked at me. Her face was one question, who? I shook my head I didn't know. We held each other as we went down stares. We joined the men and Aunt Pat in the living room. I could not look at their faces. One stepped forward:

"Mrs. Mary Dundee." I felt Mary stiffen as if she was struck by a bullet. "I am sorry to inform you that Edward Dundee has been killed...."

I don't remember the rest, Mary began to slump against me and Aunt Pat came to help us. Mary was so upset we were afraid she might lose her baby. My happy silly raggedy Ann Mary was a bundle of sobbing red hair. It was up to Aunt Pat and me to make arrangements for Edward's funeral. Nancy could not help much she was in her last months. Mary was in no condition to do anything. He had died a hero they said Eddy was awarded a sliver star. Just like Eddy I thought. He always thought of others. Still what good is a medal to us women you can't curl up with that late at night when the fears come and you're so alone. When it was over I was left empty. I had no feelings just dull pain.

  

  

  

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