The Stepchild                   by: Jacki Pett

 

My stepsisters, Amanda and Cathy, are sitting on the couch next to me in the doctor's waiting room. My stepmother is in talking with the doctor. Amanda and Cathy are both reading magazines. Janet, my other stepsister, felt bad she couldn't be here with me too.

I feel kind of weird, sitting here, sort of spaced out. Mom gave me a Valium to take before we left the house. She said it was to help me relax.

It's been a long time since I've felt this uncomfortable around other people. Maybe it's because Dr. Morse is a gynecologist. This is my third visit to her and I like her but I still feel awkward sitting here, in my dress, in her waiting room. The women sitting around us don't realize I'm a guy. My life wasn't always this confusing though.

I had just turned twelve a few days before my real Mom's accident. She and I were really close. I miss her a lot. It was natural that I was really depressed for a long time after she died.

My Dad and I never got along very well. His work kept him away from home a lot. Mrs Bates, our house keeper, looked after me.

Dad had been a big football star in college and he always expected me to follow in his footsteps. I was never the athletic type, being short and kind of puny. He and I never got along very well. I was always a little jealous of the relationships my friends had with their Dads.

I had no brothers or sisters to emulate. My only role models were Mom and Mrs Bates, with Dad away on business so much.

Physically, and I suppose emotionally, I took after my mother more than my father. He was 6'4" while my mom was a tiny 5'3". On my eleventh birthday I was only 5'. Mom always told me that I would trim down and build myself up when I got a little older. She never made me feel selfconscious about my 'baby fat', she called it. It bothered Dad a lot more than her.

Dad was always trying to get me involved in sports but I was never very interested. He constantly encouraged me to build myself up, so that I'd be better suited for sports. He made me try out for everything but I always failed miserably. I seemed to lack the skills, the coordination that other kids had.

He always said I threw a ball like a girl.

That frustrated him and he took it out on me often. I wonder what he'd think of his son if he could see me now?

I was upset at Dad today. It seemed like Mom's funeral was only a few days ago and he brought home this woman for me to meet.

"Dennis, I'd like you to meet your new mother, Ms Worth." He introduced her as his fiance. How could Dad fall in love with this woman? He was supposed to have loved Mom?

I know I sounded a little cold but I couldn't help it. "Hello Ms Worth."

"Please call me mother, Dennis. It's very nice to meet you at last. Your father's told me so much about you." She said sweetly with a warm, but phony smile, as she took my hand.

I bet he has, I thought to myself. The woman didn't fool me. I could feel the coldness toward me. I could see it in her eyes.

I tried to excuse myself but Dad wouldn't let me go to my room just yet.

"We're going to be moving in a few weeks. I'm selling the house and were going to live in Georgia."

"We're moving?" I didn't want to leave New York. I didn't want to go live in a strange place and leave my friends. "What about Mrs Bates?" I asked. She had been with us since I was born. I didn't want to leave her behind.

"We won't be needing a housekeeper any more Dennis. I'll be taking care of you from now on." Ms Worth, 'Mother', said with that same phony smile on her lips. She made me very uncomfortable.

I didn't like it. Mrs Bates had been like a Mother to me since my real Mom died. I didn't want a new Mom, especially not this woman.

After dinner, Dad went off to tell Mrs Bates about his decision. Ms Worth and I were left at the table.

"I think you'll enjoy living with us in Georgia. We have a really nice house in the country, just outside of Atlanta. You'll have new friends to play with and I have three daughters who are just dying to meet you."

GIRLS! I'm going to have to live with three girls? Now I liked the idea even less. I didn't know what to say to the woman.

"Janet's 15, Cathy is 13 and Amanda is your age." She told him.

She took her wallet from her purse and showed me their pictures. They were all very pretty, like their mother.

"They're pretty." What else could I say? The youngest girl didn't look much like her sisters. I didn't realize at the time but she had my Dad's eyes.

"I know that all of this is very sudden Dennis but I'm sure you'll just love Georgia." She was no more convincing now than she had been earlier. I know she didn't really want me coming to live with them.

"I'm sure." I said sarcastically.

The woman's smile turned to a frown. "You will learn to accept me Dennis." She said coldly.

Dad came back and I excused myself from the table. It was obvious I wasn't going to get a chance to talk to him alone. I went to my room. I had a lot to think about.

Dad came in around eleven to tell me to turn off my TV.

"Mother thinks you're very nice." He told me.

I knew he was lying. "No she doesn't Dad." I was hoping to find some compassion. "She doesn't like me. And she's not my mother. My Mom is dead."

"Dennis, I've had enough!" He said menacingly. "Ms Worth and I are going to be married next month in Georgia and you will show her the same respect as you did your real mother. She's your mother now and I expect you to act accordingly. You will call her Mother or you'll be a very sorry little boy. You and I have never gotten along very well. You've let me down time after time and it's going to end now. You are not going to ruin the happiness I've found. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Dad scared me. The look in his eyes was something I had never seen before. "Yes sir." I answered meekly.

He was still upset. "I expect you to obey her. You will do as you're told and that's the end of it."

"Yes sir." I replied again, cowering. He really scared me and as I sat there on the edge of my bed I heard a noise at the door. I looked past Dad to see the woman standing in the doorway, smiling with satisfaction. I had been put in my place and she knew it.

She stayed the night. I guess she slept with my Dad in the bed he had shared with Mom. The thought made me angry.

Dad got me up early the next morning. Ms Worth made Dad and I breakfast. Mrs Bates was strangely absent. She always had breakfast with me, even when Dad was home.

'Mother' tried to be really sweet to me in front of Dad. She said she hadn't cooked for men since her husband died years ago and she enjoyed it.

When Dad left to go to the office the woman got on my case almost immediately. I got up from the table to go out to play. "And where do you think you're going?" She said.

"I was going out to play." I answered innocently. I had none of the sarcasm of the night before in my voice. Dad had warned me.

"Not until the table is cleared and the kitchen is cleaned up, you're not." She commanded. "The girls do their chores around the house and you might as well start getting used to the same. Boys don't get any special privileges under my roof."

Witch, was the first thought that came to mind. I didn't say anything. I cleared the table while she went in the living room to read the paper and drink her coffee. It wasn't fair.

I had put everything away and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I was on my way to my room when she stopped me.

"Wait a minute young man. Come with me and we'll see what kind of a job you did cleaning up." She herded me back into the kitchen.

"Just look at those counters and the stove. You're not going to get away with doing half the job. I want to see those counters sparkle and I expect this floor to be swept before you go anywhere."

She wasn't kidding. I never had to do this before and I resented her making me, but what choice did I have. It was almost ten before I was allowed out of the house to play with my friends. She made me wipe down all the appliances and wash the sink on her second inspection. Where was Mrs Bates?

I was on my way out the door and she made be go back to my room and change. She didn't like my old jeans and tee shirt. I had to put on school clothes and was told, in no uncertain terms, not to get dirty. It was embarrassing but I knew she could make life difficult for me.

Dad got home around six. 'Mother' made dinner and to my surprise, she cleaned up herself. I figured out that it was because Dad was there.

No one objected when I went to my room after dinner. They didn't want me around. I heard them go to bed around midnight.

She left the next morning, to go home. Dad didn't have much to say when he got back from taking Mother to the airport. Mrs Bates was back and that was a relief. I told her how the woman treated me.

"You can't expect her to be exactly the same as your mother Dennis. She is obviously a very orderly person and she thinks she's just teaching you to take care of yourself. You're going to have to give her the benefit of the doubt." Mrs Bates explained.

I guess she was right. I just figured that all mothers were the same. I was wrong. I still didn't like the idea of my Mother being replaced by this woman.

I tried to tell Dad what the woman was like when he wasn't around, but he got mad at me again. He said I was overreacting and he didn't want to hear any more about it.

I don't understand him. He is more distant toward me than ever.

We stopped for the night at a motel off I95 in North Carolina. I said goodbye to my friends this morning and Dad and I left in the car for Georgia.

I was surprised that we didn't even stay around to wait for the house to be sold. Dad arranged for a real estate agent to sell it for him.

Dad explained that he didn't want to bring old memories into our new life. That's why all our old furniture was being sold with the house. He wouldn't even let me bring my bed. Dad is acting funny. We don't even talk like we used to. He's hardly said two words to me since we left.

The day was overcast and Ii reflected my mood, gloomy.

We got a late start this morning. Today was bright and sunny. I guess the weather brightened my mood, and Dad's as well. We talked a little. Our conversation centered around the new home we were heading for, Ms Worth, my new Mother, and her girls. That's all he talked about the whole way.

We reached the house around 2:00 in the afternoon, after driving through Atlanta. We left the city behind and the scene changed to rural countryside.

The house was on a large piece of property. It was like the ones you see in southern magazines. It was a gray, two story house with white trim and shutters. The front porch wrapped around both sides of the house. I had expected it to be bigger, the way Dad had described it.

Ms Worth and her daughters came out on the porch to meet us when Dad honked the horn. I recognized each of them from the pictures the woman had shown me.

Janet, the oldest, was almost as tall as her mother. She had to be 5'9". In the picture she had long curly, light brown hair but now it was almost yellow blond. She's even prettier than her picture.

Cathy stood next to her. Cathy wasn't as tall as her sister and her hair hadn't changed. She had long straight dark brown hair. She looked a lot like her sister only she looked softer, more sweet and innocent. They both had great figures.

Amanda's curly red hair was not a surprise. It was the same color as Dad's. I had wondered before but now I was sure. She had his chin and nose too. I had Mom's light brown hair and features. Amanda hadn't blossomed yet, like her sisters. She was slender and almost flat chested. She was only a little taller than me.

I thought to myself, it's too bad that they're going to be my stepsisters. I watched the four of them as Dad and I got out of the car and walked toward the house. They turned and whispered to each other after seeing me. Something they saw was apparently funny because the girls were giggling. The oldest whispered something to her mother and a grin crossed her face too. I didn't like the way it made me feel.

Dad hugged and kissed Ms Worth then turned to the girls and hugged them like he had known them for a long time. I was becoming more and more convinced that my suspicions were correct. Dad had been seeing this woman long before Mom died. How could he?

"Girls," Ms Worth said. "This is Dennis. Dennis, these are my girls Janet, Cathy and Amanda." She proudly announced.

They stood lined up next to their mother. Dad stood at the woman's side with his hand around her waist. I was an outsider and the look on the girls' faces did nothing to make me feel welcome.

"Hello Dennis." Each said in turn with a distinct lack of enthusiasm

"Hi." I said to the three of them.

"We waited lunch for you." Mother said to Dad.

"Wonderful. It's been a long ride. I'm hungry." Dad said smiling. He turned and headed for the house. The girls gathered around him and their mother. They seemed to forget about me as they left me standing there.

Dad called after me from the porch. "Come on Dennis."

Amanda was the last one through the door and she let it swing closed with a cold backward glance at me. I mounted the steps and followed them into the house.

Everything looked brand new. The furniture looked expensive and it appeared to have hardly been used. It was like a show house, a model that had never been lived in. The kitchen was ultra modern, much nicer than ours at home. HOME? This was my home now, I thought with regret.

I sat at the large kitchen table with the others. No one said a word to me. The girls fussed over my father. They called him Dad as if they had known him forever. I resented them and their familiar attitude toward my father.

They were just like their mother. I was sure they resented my being there.

"Girls, why don't you give Dennis a tour of the house." Mother suggested. They were reluctant. They didn't have to say anything, you could tell by their reaction to her request.

"Come on Dennis." The oldest, Janet, said as she got up from the table. She took her dishes and deposited them in the dishwasher. The other two did the same and then cleared the condiments from the table. It didn't take a genius to figure out that I was expected to help. I got some nasty looks from the girls when I got back to the table from the dishwasher to find that it was already cleared and everything was put away. I guess they figured I was too slow.

We went through the formal dining room and living room that I had passed coming in. In the rear of the house, through an archway in the living room, was a large recreation room. This was definitely a room that was lived in. I was shown the downstairs bathroom. It was spotless. The laundry room was next. I could have cared less about seeing that room.

Cathy pointed to a closed door off the recreation room. "That's Mom and Dad's room. It's out of bounds."

I wasn't sure it that meant it was out of bounds to just me or to all of us. "Ok." Was all I said. Dad's room had never been out of bounds to be before. It really bothered me.

I followed them back through the living room to the stairs and up to the second floor.

"This is my room. You never go in there." Janet announced. I didn't say anything. I just nodded.

"This one's mine. Same thing goes." Cathy announced in nearly the same tone of voice.

The third door was obviously Amanda's. That left the one at the end of the hall that I assumed was mine. I was shocked when Amanda opened her door and said coldly, "This is our room."

I turned to her with surprise. "What do you mean 'our' room."

"Are you stupid?" Janet said sarcastically. "She said it's your room. Your's and Amanda's." Janet shook her head. "Your brain must be a puny as the rest of you."

I let it go by. As a matter of fact, I hardly heard her sarcastic comment. I turned to Amanda, "I have to share a room with you? I don't get my own room?"

"You think I like the idea? It stinks, But Mom and Dad said I have to, so I guess I'm stuck."

Janet shoved me through the door. She towered over me. I wanted to belt her but I got the feeling she wanted nothing more than for me to try. They all did.

"That's your bed," Amanda pointed to a single bed against the wall by the closet. "and that's your dresser." On the far side of the closet was a little narrow four drawer dresser. It was half the size of the one I used to have.

I walked toward the closet when harsh words from Amanda stopped me. "That's my closet." She announced.

I turned. "Where's mine?" I asked in a nasty tone of voice.

Amanda pointed to a cloth covered wardrobe that stood against the wall, beyond my dresser. "That's all I get?"

"That's it." Said Cathy. The three stood side by side staring at me in defiance.

Living here was going to be hell. They must have sensed my depression.

"We heard you were a sniveling little Mamma's boy but we didn't think you'd be such a little wimp." Janet taunted me.

"I'm no wimp." I had had enough of their insults and started toward them. None of them budged.

Janet knocked me back on my ass with one hand. She was stronger than she looked. "Don't mess with us wimp." With that warning, the three sisters turned and walked out of the room.

I didn't know what to do. I just sat there on the floor for the longest time. How could I stand up to them? There was no question in my mind where I would stand with their mother if I tried. I had a pretty good idea where I would stand with my Dad if I gave the girls any trouble. They were obviously closer to him than I ever was. Was it because they were girls and he didn't expect anything more from them than to be themselves?

Dad had betrayed me. He had obviously talked about his disappointment in me. It hurt me that he had told these strangers. Did he really think of me as a wimp and a mamma's boy?

They left me alone the rest of the afternoon. I had hoped that Dad would at least would come up and see where I was but he didn't. I could hear everyone downstairs having a good time. They were all in the rec room talking and laughing. I never felt so alone.

Janet came up around six. "Come on down for dinner." She told me. You could tell by her tone that she really didn't care if I did or not. "You better learn to start doing your share around here if you know what's good for you." She told me as she left.

I sat quietly through dinner. Everyone else talked but me.

The girls told Dad they were glad he was finally moved in. He had betrayed me and Mom. There was absolutely no doubt any more.

As the girls asked to be excused I got some pretty harsh looks. I didn't have long to debate what to do.

"Help the girls clean up Dennis." Mother commanded. Dad didn't even look up. It didn't matter to anyone that I wasn't finished eating. They piled all the dishes on the counter and I was elected to load the dishwasher. The others cleared the table and put away the leftovers. I was the last one out of the kitchen by the time I finished washing the pots and pans and drying everything.

They were all in the rec room. I didn't care to join them. I went back up to the bedroom. I hesitate to call it my room. On Amanda's side of the room is the bathroom. I went in there and locked the door and put on my pajamas and brushed my teeth. It was only eight o:clock but I went to bed anyway. I fought back tears as I lay there waiting for the escape of sleep.

At least I don't have to go to school with the girls. They go to a public school. Dad drove me this morning, on his way to the airport, to the private school he had enrolled me in. Private school was fine with me. I have been going to private school for years.

Ms Worth doesn't seem to care for the idea though. She told Dad it was a waste of money. She thinks I should go to public school, just like her girls. I'm surprised Dad didn't give in to her. He seems to go along with anything she wants. He always figured I have a better chance at sports in private school.

My first day wasn't so bad. It will take a little while to make new friends, I suppose.

I miss Mrs Bates. She was nice. More than that, she cooked, did the laundry and cleaned. Mother cooks sometimes but she doesn't clean or do laundry. The girls and I are expected to do it all. I hate it.

I no sooner walked in the door from school than I was expected to dust and vacuum the entire downstairs. I didn't finish until dinner time, since Mother made me redust half of what I did. She wasn't satisfied with the way I did it.

The meal she cooked was a lot different than we had last night.

"You're going to learn to eat healthy Dennis. Apparently Mrs Bates didn't know a great deal about nutrition."

It bothered me that she put down my friend. "Mrs Bates was a good cook. She made the kind of food I like." I was floored when her open hand met my cheek. It stung and my face turned bright red.

"Don't you ever talk back to be young man." She stood over me. Her face was red with anger. "You'll eat what I give you and like it. You're going to learn to eat healthy. You're pudgy and it's about time you start to shape up."

I could see the girls smiling. They enjoyed seeing me humiliated.

"What do you have to say?" She asked, still fuming.

"I'm sorry?" I answered.

"I'm sorry, what?" She asked.

"I'm sorry Mother!"

"That's better. Now eat your dinner and then you can go to your room." The redness drained slowly from her face.

I did as I was told, as quickly as I could. I should have known she had a temper. The girls got no end of pleasure out of seeing me humiliated.

Mother packed me a lunch to take to school. The two crackers, an apple and an orange were hardly enough to fill me up but I had no money to buy anything, so I made do.

Sharing a room with Amanda hasn't gotten any easier. The other two continue picking on me too. I didn't do anything to them. Why do they hate me?

School's not bad. I made a new friend today. Unfortunately Jack lives about twenty miles away. I'd like to make some more friends, some that live closer but there weren't any guys around and Mother didn't let me go out to play. It was only my second day and I was so homesick.

I'm better off at home if I stay off by myself as much as possible.

The wedding was a big affair. I thought Dad would want me to be his best man or at least take part in the wedding somehow but a guy he works with had the honor. I was hurt.

My new mother was impossible, screaming at me to do this and do that. The girls gloated. They got to be part of the wedding. They were bridesmaids. Everyone seemed to ignore me, as if I wasn't even there.

It's been almost a year since we moved to Georgia. My life's been horrible, I hate it. Outside of school, I don't have any friends. I never go anywhere. Not even to the stores shopping.

Dad's always away on business. Mother goes off with him sometimes, leaving the girls in charge of me. It's awful when she's gone. He doesn't see the way Mother and the girls treat me, or he just doesn't care.

I do chores as soon as I get home from school. The girls seem to be doing less and less. True, they get home from school much later than I do but it doesn't seem fair.

The girls seemed to have backed off a little over the past year but I still try to stay out of their way.

I've lost weight a lot of weight in the past year. I think I'm too skinny but mother insists I'm fine. I really envy those guys that eat normal food. They make fun of my lunch in school.

She started me on vitamins some time ago. There's always four or five at my place at the table with each meal. I objected at first but Mother made me take them. I'm used to them now.

I hate my life. I hate mother and I hate the girls. When Dad's gone they treat me like dirt. Again, I told Mother I needed a hair cut and she told me no. She said she liked it long and that I would have to leave it that way.

"There's nothing wrong with your hair. Just put it in a pony tail. Lot's of kids your age have long hair."

That was the end of the discussion as far as she was concerned. I tried a pony tail when I went upstairs but I looked ridiculous. It was just too long.

Clothes were another problem. I couldn't remember getting a single new item of clothes in months, except for my school uniforms. When I asked for a new pair of jeans Mother said I should make do. The girls are always getting new clothes. It's not fair. I can't even wear a lot of my clothes, they don't fit anymore. My shirts are all too big but I have to wear them anyway. They're all I've got. Mother's constantly telling me to be careful not to ruin my clothes cause she won't by me more.

I don't mind so much anymore that she only feeds me small portions of food, like she gives the girls. I think my stomach must have shrunk.

Dad was finally home for a few days. He had promised to take me to a ball game but, because of Mother's nagging, we ended up taking all of us to the theater instead. We saw a ballet, YUCK. We hardly spend any time together, ever. He's always too busy.

I went to the dresser when I got out of bed to get ready for school and found that I had run out of clean underwear.

Amanda had done the laundry yesterday so I went to our bathroom door to ask her if she had seen any of my clean underpants.

She called out to me, "Mother said that the ones in the laundry were disgusting. She threw out all but one pair."

Apparently Mother was in the hall and overheard our conversation. I turned to the sound of the bedroom door opening. "What's the problem." She asked, coolly. She was always on the alert for problems between her girls and I. She was always ready to rush to their defense.

"I don't have any clean underpants to wear." It was as much a question as a statement.

"So, just borrow a pair for today. You can do laundry when you get home." She suggested.

"Borrow a pair?" From who?

Mother went to Amanda's dresser and opened one of her drawers. "Here, wear these." She tossed me a pair of Amanda's panties.

I caught them in mid air, by reflex. I looked at the white cotton panties with their lace trim and then looked back at Mother. "These are girls?"

"So?" Was mother's response.

"I can't wear...."

She knocked me sideways but I managed to stay on my feet.

"You'll do what I tell you to do. Now put them on and stop your fussing." She stood there waiting.

Amanda opened the bathroom door when she hear the commotion. "Mother, those are mine!" She was upset that her mother gave them to me.

"You have more than enough honey. I bought you four new pairs just last week."

"Well I don't want them after he's worn them." She complained.

"Don't worry. They're his now."

Mine!? I didn't want them. She was still waiting for me to put them on. "Can I get dressed in the bathroom?" I asked.

"You'll get dressed right here. Amanda, go back in the bathroom and finish getting ready for school."

I didn't miss the look on her face when she looked back as she closed the bathroom door. I was going to be wearing her underwear today and she thought it was hilarious.

I turned away from Mother and dropped my pajama bottoms to the floor. It was embarrassing. I quickly pulled on the panties. I wished I had laid out my pants but they were hanging in the wardrobe. I wasted no time in getting them out and pulling them on. I gave me some relief to cover up but they knew what I had on and I knew that Janet and Cathy would too, in a few minutes.

"That's better." Mother said. "Now get ready for school." She left.

I was in the kitchen having the small bowl of cereal that Mother proportioned out for me when the girls walked in. They were all three swishing their hips. Their intent didn't escape me.

"Hi Denise." Cathy said as she sat down next to me." I was trembling. I wanted to crawl under the table.

Janet added, "I bet you look adorable in your pretty panties Denise."

"He does. I saw him through the keyhole." Amanda told her sisters.

"Now you girls stop that." Mother told them smiling.

I glared at the girls. I looked to their mother. Her tone with them was anything but harsh. She thought it was funny too.

They continued to make faces and make exaggerated feminine gestures when their mother wasn't looking. I wanted to die.

The guys at school are already teasing me about my long hair. I skipped gym today. I couldn't let them see what I was forced to wear for underpants. I got detention and Mother yelled at me when I got home late. I pleaded with her not to tell Dad and she agreed.

I found a few pairs of my own underpants in the laundry and washed them out in the sink. I swore I would not run out again. I hid the pair of Amanda's panties in the pile of clothes in the laundry room.

It was a few days later when I found Amanda's underwear in my drawer. When I tried to give it back to her she reminded me that Mother said it was mine now. I buried it in the back of my drawer. Amanda laughed.

They all tease me constantly.

I'd give anything for a greasy hamburger. I've lost a bunch of weight and I'm as skinny as a rail.

Mother expects me to clean my room without any help from Amanda. This includes picking up after her. She leaves her underwear and things all over the floor. I know she does it on purpose.

I wash out my two remaining pairs of underwear out each night in the sink. Mother said I would have to make do. If I needed clean she would borrow a few pair from the girls for me. I told her I was alright with what I have.

Somebody took my underwear from the bathroom last night and replaced them with two pair of Amanda's lacy panties. Mother thought it was cute and she insisted I wear them when I told her what happened. Just for fun, She also made me take off my tee shirt and made me wear one of Amanda's lace trimmed ones. The girls laughed at me over breakfast. It was humiliating. Mother thinks it's hilarious.

I forged a note to get me out of gym today but how long could I get away with it?

Mother's supposed to give me allowance but I haven't gotten any for months. After school I took the few dollars I had stashed away and went to the store and bought myself new underwear.

When I walked in the front door with the bag and Janet saw it, she told Mother. Mother became furious with me for wasting money on something I didn't need and she took them away from me.

I don't get it. Dad makes good money where he works. Mother and the girls get anything they want I have to talk to Dad when he gets back but I'm afraid to tell him about what's going on. He always sticks up for her and the girls.

Just the other night, over dinner, some one made a comment about me. I think it was Janet. Dad responded with, "You're such a crybaby Dennis. You should have been born a girl."

His remark really hurt. It wasn't the first time he'd implied that I was more like a girl than a boy. The girls all smiled at each other. I caught the smirk on Mother's face too. How could I tell Dad now, about what had been going on? I couldn't, it was too embarrassing.

My birthday came and went and no one even remembered. Amanda's had only been three weeks ago. She was thirteen now too. As if I wasn't already depressed enough.

Dad was home when I got home from school today but Mother and the girls stayed close by all the time. They didn't give me a chance to talk to him alone.

I won't pretend that I haven't thought about running away. There's just no where to go.

The next morning, a Wednesday, over breakfast, Dad told us that he would be gone for 3 weeks to a month, on business. I was given explicit instruction to obey Mother, as always, while he was gone.

When I got home from school on Tuesday afternoon the girls were all home already. Everyone was in tears. The girls surrounded Mother on the couch. She was wailing. Dad's plane went down somewhere in the Pacific. All I could think of was that I was alone now. What was going to happen to me? I suppose I should have felt grief but I didn't.

Official word came on Thursday. Dad's definitely dead. They didn't recover a body, the search yielded no sign. The funeral is Saturday. I don't understand why I don't feel sad.

Mother isn't happy about being stuck with me. She said that things are going to be a lot different around here from now on and that scares me. Things couldn't be much worse.

It's been a week since the funeral. I've been spending a lot of time in my room. I should say 'our' room. I still can't cry. I miss him, I suppose, but I should feel sad.

The girls are acting weird. Every time they look at me they smile and laugh. I don't get it. 'Mother' has been treating me differently too. She calls me 'dear' and 'sweetheart', just like she calls the girls. I don't like it.

I missed a lot of school, with the funeral and everything. I had forged another excuse for gym and it got me out of it for a while but my luck finally ran out.

Each day I waited around as long as I could for the other guys to get out of the dressing room before I changed into my gym clothes.

One particular day, I thought I was alone. I wasn't. I had just taken my shirt and pants off when Bill came around the lockers and spotted me standing there in Amanda's panties and tee shirt. I didn't know what to do. Bill laughed and ran off. I barely had time to get my street clothes back on before a dozen or more of the guys came rushing into the locker room with Mr Marks, the PE teacher. He took me to his office. Once he confirmed what Bill had told him, he called the principal's office. I tried to tell him why I was wearing girls' underwear but I know he didn't believe me. He sent me to the office at the end of the period.

I don't know how the whole school found out so fast. The walk from the gym to the office was the longest I can remember. All the kids, the guys and the girls, seemed to know what had happened. I was taunted and teased the whole way there. I couldn't look at them. I stared at the floor. I was the 'pretty little long haired sissy in girls' underwear'. How could I ever face these kids again?

The office called Mother to come and get me. She was told that I would not be allowed back into school until I got help with my problem. Mother assured them that she would see to it that I was put on the right path.

Mother dragged me out of bed on Saturday morning. She said that was enough mopping around.

At breakfast I discovered more new vitamins at my place. Mother didn't bother to explain and I didn't ask. I just took them. I didn't argue with her.

When breakfast was over she gave me a list of chores to do and said she expected them done when she got home. Janet was staying home to make sure I did everything I was told. I wasn't in a mood to argue.

I didn't read the entire list until she was gone and was shocked to read that I was expected to wash and iron all their clothes and to even hand wash all their underwear and delicates that had been left in the bathrooms.

When I tried to explain that it had to be a mistake, Janet told me in no uncertain terms that it was no mistake and that if I didn't do everything on the list I would be in a lot of trouble.

It took me all day to do everything. I did the washing, cleaned all the bathrooms, and there are four. I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed and dusted the entire house. Janet watched to be sure I did a through job, bitching all day about being stuck at home with me.

By the time the others got home, I was exhausted.

I tried to skip dinner but Mother wouldn't let me. The same new assortment of vitamins were there by my plate. The vitamins weren't so bad. They couldn't hurt me, I decided.

Mother let me go to my room after dinner. I was tired and wanted to go to bed.

As always, I undressed, getting off the borrowed underwear quickly and went to put on my pajamas. They weren't in my dresser where they belonged. In their place was one of Amanda's nighties. I didn't know what was going on.

I had an old pair of shorts in the bottom drawer and was stepping into them as Mother walked in on me. I was very embarrassed to be caught without my clothes on. I usually changed in the bathroom, with the door locked.

"What do you think you're doing?" I was embarrassed.

She was angry. "You're not going to bed in those." She told me.

"But my pajamas are gone." I knew better than to tell her that Amanda had swiped my pajamas and replaced them with her nightie. She just got made at me for complaining about the girls again.

I didn't know what else to do. I just had to show her what Amanda had done.

She laughed. "So what's wrong with that?"

She had slapped me just this morning for complaining. I had not forgotten the way it stung.

"Just put it on and stop being such a whiner." She told me.

Her tone was unmistakable. I pulled it over my head. It was white cotton with lace trim and it came down to my knees.

"Now put on your underwear." She said.

I begged. "Please don't....."

"DO IT!!" She slapped me hard, twice.

I tried to tell her through my tears. "But I don't have any clean underwear."

She pulled open my underwear drawer and showed me at least a half dozen new pairs of girl's panties. I was floored.

She turned the light out when I was in bed in the nightie and my new underwear. When she was gone, I undressed under my covers and slept naked. I had a hard time falling asleep. I felt ridiculous and dreaded the morning when I would wake up with Amanda in the other bed. I knew I'd have to put them back on before woke up and saw me. There was no doubt that Amanda would tell her mother if I didn't have the nightie. I cried myself to sleep.

Mother came into the bedroom the next morning, when Amanda announced that I was awake. I was still under my covers and had already put the nightie and panties back on.

Mother didn't say much as she emptied my dresser drawers of all my clothes. I was speechless, in shock. I watched her stuff all my clothes into a lawn bag. She emptied the wardrobe next. Even my shoes and sneakers were dumped into the bag. I was afraid to ask what she was doing.

Janet and Cathy came in to watch what was going on. They looked thrilled. Amanda looked equally delighted.

Mother put the bags of clothes outside the bedroom door and turned back to me. "Now get out of bed."

I was mortified when I reluctantly slid out from under the covers and stood next to the bed in the nightie. I couldn't bring myself to look at any of them.

The girls laughed and Mother just smiled. "Come on down for breakfast now." She told me.

"Please let me have some of my clothes to wear." I pleaded, almost in tears.

"You're fine the way you are. The rest of us are in our nighties too."

Mother let me put my long hair into a ponytail before she paraded me down the stairs to the kitchen.

I had breakfast, terrified the whole time that someone would come to the door. The girls teased me until Mother told them to stop and leave me alone. She never did that before, she surprised me.

I ate quickly and hurried back up to the bedroom. Amanda followed me and got dressed in the bathroom. I got back into bed, ashamed to be seen.

About a half hour later Janet and Cathy came into the room with Mother.

"We have things to do today. Get dressed." She demanded. My heart sank when Janet dropped a pair of brightly colored print tights and a long white cotton blouse on the bed. I just stared at the clothes.

"Do as I tell you!" Mother came over to the bed as stood over me until I got out from under the covers. She helped me get the nightie off and waited until I pulled on the tights. I felt so strange in them.

"Tuck yourself in between your legs." She said.

I looked down and I could see the small bulge of my penis. I put my hand into the tights and under the panties an pushed it between my legs.

"That's better." She turned to the girls, "Help him get ready and bring him downstairs. We don't want to be late for our appointment." Mother turned and left.

I stood there staring at the three of them, dumbfounded with what was happening.

Janet had a wicked smile. "Put your blouse on Denise."

I had to try to stand up to her. "It's Dennis."

"From now on, it's Denise. Now put on the blouse!" She demanded. I was on the floor, on my ass again.

"Cathy, let Denise borrow a pair of your sneakers." Janet suggested.

"Coming right up." Cathy hurried to her room.

I put on the blouse and buttoned it up. They called it a tunic top. It was big and loose fitting. The collar and cuffs were lace trimmed. At least it covered my ass. I felt like such a fool.

Cathy returned in a minute with the sneakers and a pair of pink socks. "Here Denise, put these on."

All three stood over me as I pulled them on and tied the bright pink laces. Where were we going? What was the appointment all about?

"I need to do something with his hair." Janet said as she picked up Amanda's brush from her dresser top.

I tried to get away from them but the three of them cornered me. I had to stand there while Janet took out my ponytail and brushed out my hair.

The last thing I wanted to do was to leave the house dressed like this. What if someone saw me? It was Sunday and everyone would be out at the stores.

I rode in the back seat between Cathy and Janet.

"You look really cute today Denise." Janet teased.

"I think she looks adorable in her tights." Amanda said to Cathy. "Don't you."

"Now girls, don't tease Denise." Mother scolded, smiling in the rear view mirror at me.

I ignored them. At least I tried to. We pulled up at the mall. All I could think about was the crowds of people inside who would stare at me and laugh. The way the kids in school did.

Mother took my arm and, holding it tightly, paraded me through the middle of the mall. I didn't want to look at the people who passed us but I couldn't help myself. I was surprised that hardly anyone took a second glance.

I was as skinny as Amanda. My hair was as long as Cathy's, down past my shoulders. But my face was still my old face. Did I look that much like a girl?

Mom had always said I looked more like her than Dad and I supposed now that was true. I had big green eyes and a small nose and mouth. My face had always been small and narrow, even when I was heavier. I had often hoped it would grow to be more masculine as I got older, but it hadn't.

I hadn't reached the age of puberty. I had anxiously awaited the first signs of manhood. My voice was still high and I hadn't begun to sprout hair. I was never more aware then at that moment of how I wished I looked more masculine.

We stopped outside the beauty parlor. Mother leaned close and whispered in my ear. "If you don't go along with this I promise you will live to regret it." She squeezed my arm so tightly that it started to go numb.

There I was. Standing in the doorway of a beauty parlor in girls' clothes and I was about to go in and have God knows what done to me, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

We were apparently on time for the appointment. The hairdresser was waiting for us.

Mother introduced me to the woman. "This is my stepdaughter Denise. Denise this is Carolyn."

"Hi Denise." The woman said with a smile.

"Hi." I said cautiously, ashamed.

Mother pretty well took things from there. She told the girl what to do. She explained that I was very shy and unsure of myself.

"It's time for Denise to have a new look. It's time for her to grow up and put her tomboyish ways behind her. She could use a boost in her self confidence." Mother told her friend Carolyn.

The woman took me and sat me down in her chair. As she brushed my hair she said to Janet, "It's so very sweet of you girls to care so much about your stepsister." Carolyn commented.

They just smiled.

What a joke, I thought to myself.

I had no idea of what was going on. She washed my hair then spent almost a half hour with her scissors, giving me what she called a layered cut. I just sat there while the woman worked on me. I felt almost sick.

"Is Tina too busy to give us any appointment today?" Mother asked the woman.

"Let me check for you." The woman returned a moment later. "She says she could fit you in, in about a half hour."

"That's perfect. There's something else we need to do. Thanks Carolyn." Mother looked at me then smiled at the woman. "Denise looks 100% better."

"Do you like your new look Denise?" Carolyn asked me.

I turned and looked at myself in the mirror again. I was stalling. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell her the truth, that I hated it and would just as soon be shaved bald.

"It's a lot different than I'm used to." That was the truth.

"I think she just needs to get accustomed to it. Thanks Carolyn." Mother lead me out to the front of the salon where the girls were waiting.

They all stared at me with surprised looks on their faces. I think Amanda was sincere when she said, "Denise, you look fantastic. I can't believe the difference."

Cathy looked at me funny. "She looks adorable. What a difference it made."

Janet wasn't impressed. At least she didn't appear to be. "We better get a move on."

"Alright, come on girls." Mother looked at me and smiled when she said it. Why? Why were they doing this?

A few shops further on, we came to a small jewelry store. "Here we are." Said Janet, smiling. "Come with me Denise."

Janet took me by the hand and led me inside. We walked up to the counter. "Hi. My sister would like to get her ears pierced."

My ears pierced. No! No! NO! I tried to pull my hand from Janet's. She wouldn't let go and squeezed my hand hard. She had me across the knuckles and it really hurt.

"Sure, we can take care of you right away." The girl indicated that I should follow her to the rear of the store. Janet didn't let go of my hand until I was sitting in the girl's chair. She stayed right by my side as my earlobes were sterilized and tiny studs were shot into them. I didn't hurt, not physically. Emotionally I was a disaster.

I heard very little of what the girl said about washing my ears. I was staring at my reflection in the mirror. If I thought I looked like a girl when I walked into the mall there was no doubt that I looked like one now. My stomach was doing flips. I turned to Janet. "I need to use the bathroom."

Janet must have seen me turning green. The girl pointed to a door in the back wall of the store. "The bathroom is in back." She told us.

I just make it to the toilet before I threw up.

We joined the others waiting out in the mall. Mother smiled at me adoringly. Cathy and Amanda were delighted. I knew they were laughing inside. I wanted to run but there was nowhere to go.

"Come on girls. We need to get back for Denise's nail appointment." Mother herded us back toward the beauty parlor.

Nail appointment? That too? I looked at my hands. I chewed my nails to stubs, constantly. What could they possible do to make them look like girl's nails?

I found out. When we left the salon, a little over an hour later, I had perfectly manicured acrylic nails. They were all a little more than an eighth of an inch longer than the tips of my fingers and had two coats of clear nail polish on them. The woman had assured my 'Mother' that there was no way that I would be chewing these nails off.

I felt very strange as we started walking through the mall again. Mother still held my arm and Janet walked on my other side. Cathy and Amanda followed us.

"Now I think we better find you some new clothes for school tomorrow." Mother said.

I stopped in my tracks and stared at her. "I can't go back to Bentley looking like this." My eyes were filling with tears.

"Of course you can't sweetheart. You're going to start going to public school tomorrow, with your sisters."

There was a bench right behind me. I squatted down on it. "I can't. Please don't make me Mother."

"You don't have to call me Mother anymore. You're one of my girls now. Call me Mom." They were all looking down at me smiling.

"Why?" I asked.

"Why what honey?" Mother asked.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked weakly as the tears started to run down my cheek.

"Why, to make your father proud of you. You were a horrible failure to him as a son. He often said you would have been better off if you were born a girl. Besides, the girls and I agreed from the first time we saw you that you'd make a much better girl than a boy. We don't want a boy living with us anyway. We'll all be much happier now as long as you behave yourself."

That was it. He should have known. He knew he was a disappointment to his Dad. He'd probably have been happy about what they were doing to him.

Mother took a handkerchief out of her purse and dried my tears. "Lets go now Sweetheart. We need to get you a few new outfits. You can borrow some of Cathy's and Amanda's things but I'm sure you'll be much happier with clothes of your own."

I let them lead me into shop after shop. One of the girls went back into the dressing rooms with me each time as I was made to try on skirts, blouses and dresses for them. Mother had to approve of everything before she would buy it. The others had picked up a lot of things I never saw when I was in the dressing rooms.

Each of us had at least one bag in our hand when we made our last stop at a shoe store.

I learned that I was only a size six. I had always been embarrassed about having small hands and feet for a guy. Mother said I was lucky because there were always more styles available for girls with little feet. If that was supposed to make me feel better, it failed.

They bought me five pairs of shoes and a pair of sneakers. I had three pairs of flats; black, white and navy. I had two pair of low heels that I wobbled on when I walked around the store; one cream colored to go with a dress they had bought and a black pair. I wanted none of them. I wanted my old clothes back.

We were getting ready to leave the mall when Amanda ran into some of her friends. I tried to hide behind Mother and Janet but they wouldn't let me. Amanda introduced me to the two girls and their boyfriends, as Denise. I had to play along. I couldn't let them know the truth.

The girls were glad to meet me and to learn that I would be going to school with them starting tomorrow. I wasn't so thrilled but I pretended to be happy to meet them. I avoided looking at the guys.

I was relieved to get home. I never thought I would feel that way about this house.

The girls got a big charge out of putting everything away for me. I just sat on the bed and watched. I could see myself in the mirror from there too. I still couldn't believe it was me staring back from the mirror.

I threw up my dinner. Mother made me take another dose of my vitamins when I finally stopped heaving.

The teasing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In a strange way, they were more accepting of me like this. Mother treated me nicer and the girls were more than willing to teach me little details of how to act and what to say as we sat talking at the kitchen table. I wasn't a very willing pupil but I did appreciate being treated better so I at least listened to what they said.

Mother seemed delighted to see us get along better. Was it worth the price I paid? Not as far as I was concerned.

It was about eight o:clock when Mother suggested, "Why don't you girls take Denise upstairs and help him figure out what to wear to school tomorrow."

Cathy and Amanda were more than willing. They were having a ball. Janet seemed reluctant but followed us upstairs.

I sat on the bed as Cathy and Amanda argued over what I should wear. Janet didn't take much interest. She sat on Amanda's bed and said very little.

Cathy, being older, made the final decision. "His green skirt with that white blouse that Amanda picked out." Cathy said, smiling at me.

Janet spoke up. "This is ridiculous. He'll never get away with this."

What was bugging her? She seemed so much different earlier, in the mall. I hadn't said two words since we left the table and I wasn't about to start now. Just the thought of going to their school, dressed up as a girl, was terrifying. I would have done anything to get out of it.

"What's wrong with you." Cathy asked Janet in annoyed tone of voice.

"This stinks. He's going to screw up and everyone will know that we have a queer living with us. We'll be the laughing stock of the whole school."

"He looks terrific. No one will know." Amanda told her sister.

"Oh, he looks like a girl but he doesn't know the first thing about acting like one." Janet turned to me. "Just look at the way he's sitting."

I was sitting, straddling the corner of the bed.

"We can teach him." Amanda tried to convince her sister.

"I suppose." Janet gave in a little. She looked at me. "You better learn fast because if you give away your little secret I promise you your life will be a living hell."

I had no doubt she meant what she said.

Cathy came over and sat on the floor by me. "You've got a lot to learn and there's a lot of stuff that you'll have to pick up on your own. Watch us, watch our friends and try to mimic what you see."

Easier said than done. I thought I knew Mother's reasons for what they were doing but I didn't understand why these three would go to all this trouble. As long as they were talking to me I decided I might as well speak up. Things couldn't get much worse. "I can't do this." I turned to Janet. "You know I'm going to mess up."

Janet's expression changed to ice. "You better not and you better be convincing."

"Why are you doing this?" I asked straight out.

"You heard Mom." Cathy said to me.

I didn't look at Cathy. I kept my stare locked on Janet.

She studied me for a moment before saying what was on her mind. "I'm only going to say this once so listen good. Dad left our mother everything in his will."

That was no shock to me.

She went on. "But there was a condition. She got it all, only if she took care of you and raised you as her own. Dad had a lot of money, this house and a big insurance policy. None of us have any intention of giving that up. If Mom says we have to teach you to be a girl than that's what we're going to do. If you screw things up for us," Janet leaned over close. "you're going to be a very sorry little girl. Understand!?"

Now things made more sense. "I understand." I answered meekly.

Cathy and Amanda had been sitting on the floor watching me as Janet told me this. They looked relieved that I didn't have the nerve to talk back to their older sister.

"Good, we understand each other. Tomorrow you're going to be the sweet, shy little stepsister and you'll do as you're told. Now, we're going to spend the next few hours showing you how to walk, sit, stand and, in general, how to be a girl. So pay attention."

She was true to her word and I was too afraid of what might happen tomorrow not to take in everything they taught me.

Before bed I went into the bathroom with Amanda. We were both in nighties.

"Tonight you can borrow by cream but we'll get you your own tomorrow. Watch me and wash your face the way I do."

I had seen her using her deep cleansing creams before. It felt odd doing the same. I had to use her lotion too, on my face, hands and legs. It felt oily and slimy until I rubbed it in.

As we laid there in our beds, in the dark, I could hear Amanda's breathing slow as she fell asleep. The clock on the dresser said it was eleven thirty. I was still awake and staring at it at three.

Amanda had set the alarm for an hour earlier than usual. It was a good thing because I took them forever to get me ready.

Janet did my hair, showing me how to use the curling iron on my bangs.

Cathy and Amanda had everything laid out on my bed for me when Janet and I came out of the bathroom.

The panties were not the familiar cotton. They were silky with lace trim. They felt strange against my skin as I pulled them up. The girls were decent enough to turn their backs while I put them on.

I wasn't expecting the next thing they handed me. It was a struggle to put on pantyhose. Standing there in them, in front of the others, I felt really strange.

The white blouse with its funny collar looked uncomfortably feminine and with it tucked into the short green skirt I felt ridiculous. How could I go out dressed like this, much less to school? The weather these days was cool so Amanda loaned me one of her sweaters to take with me. In my black flats, they led me downstairs to breakfast.

"You look lovely Denise." Mother stood next to the stove beaming. "Girls, you did a beautiful job with her." She gave them each an appreciative look and smile. Looking back to me, she added, "You'll do fine today. Don't be afraid."

Afraid wasn't the word for it. Terrified didn't even seem like a strong enough word.

She looked at me strangely then Mother said, "Where's her purse?"

Amanda jumped up. "I forgot Mom."

"Well, go get it for her." She said smiling. Mother was really enjoying this.

Amanda returned a minute later and hung a small shoulder bag over the back of my chair, next to the sweater. I had to carry a purse too? I should have known. I wasn't happy.

Amanda went back to eating her breakfast. "He has his new wallet, tissues, a pen and pencil, his brush, a pack of gum and some loose change."

Mother checked the purse. When she pulled out lipstick she looked annoyed, she turned to Amanda. "You know the rules young lady, only gloss."

She didn't expect me to wear that, did she?

"You might as well know the rules too Denise," Mother said, turning to me. "No heavy makeup to school. If you want to wear it at home, that's up to you. Church and special occasions are another story. Do you understand." She was smiling the whole time but I didn't think it was funny.

Janet obviously thought the whole thing was extremely funny. "We'll show Denise what she needs to know." She assured Mother.

My stomach was doing flips. I couldn't eat the cereal in front of me.

"That's alright honey. Just eat your toast and drink the juice." Mother said. "I know you're nervous. I wouldn't want you to get sick this morning."

"Thanks." I said sarcastically.

"Just thanks?" Mother asked, looking at me funny.

"Thanks Mother?" I tried, not so boldly.

"Mom" She corrected me, still waiting.

"Thanks Mom." I conceded. I got a funny look from Janet.

"That's better sweetheart." Mother said with a smile.

She looked at the others. "You girls better get going before you're late."

"See you in school Denise." Amanda said with an odd smile as she and her sister got up from the table.

"Don't forget what I told you Denise." Janet said as she slung her purse over her shoulder and picked up her books.

I just looked at her. Resignation on my face. I was not about to get her mad at me. "I won't." I had no intention of giving myself away, if I could avoid it.

"Don't be nervous. Just remember what we taught you. See you later." Cathy said with a smile. She and Amanda were excited about today.

As far as being nervous, I was that. There was nothing she, or anyone could say that would change that.

Mother, or rather Mom, and I were alone in the kitchen. She was apparently going with me. That made sense. She had to enroll me. I wasn't sure how she was going to pull that off. I was almost sure you had to have records from the last school a person attended and some other identification.

"All ready to go Denise?" She asked, pushing her chair back from the table.

"I can't do this. I'm not a girl. Please don't make me." I had to try one last time. I begged her.

Her mood changed abruptly. "I told you how things are going to be. Don't give me any more trouble." She was standing over me now and I was scared. I covered my face. "You are Denise from now on and if I catch you acting like a boy again I will punish you severely. The sooner you get that through your head the happier you will be. That's the end of it."

"Yes Mom."

"All right now. Let's get going and don't forget your purse."

I followed her out the back door and we got in the car.

The drive to the school seemed endless. I actually considered jumping from the car and running but I didn't have the nerve.

We parked in the lot in front of the office and I walked a step behind Mother, through the front doors and into the office. I felt terribly selfconscious as I walked along in my outfit. I could feel the air waft up under the skirt, through the sheer material of the pantyhose. I knew I looked absurd.

"Good morning Ms Worth." The woman behind the desk said when she saw Mother.

"Good morning Elizabeth. How are you."

"Fine." I told the woman, scared to death to say anything.

The woman behind the desk looked at me and back to Mother smiling. "Amanda said you'd be in this morning to register her stepsister."

Mother corrected her. "We don't think of Denise as a stepsister or stepdaughter. She's just the girls' sister and my new daughter."

"That's sweet. I'll remember." She turned to me. "Good morning Denise. Welcome to Bremond."

"Good morning." I answered the woman, terrified. Would my voice give me away? Apparently not. The woman turned back to mother.

"Do you have her transcripts and birth certificate?" She asked Mother. That's what I was afraid of. She would see that my real name was Dennis.

I watched as the woman studied the documents. She handed the birth certificate back to Mother without so much as a raised eyebrow. "Everything seems to be here." The woman looked up smiling.

"I would prefer that Denise didn't have to participate in any physical activities until she's had a little more time to recover from the accident."

Accident? What accident? What was Mom talking about?

The woman turned to me. "Are you alright dear?"

"I'm fine." I told her.

The woman turned back to Mother. "What happened?"

"Oh, it's nothing serious. Just minor trauma. It would just be better if she didn't have to take gym."

"Well, since we're so close to the end of the year I don't see why we can't just give her a study hall. That should be alright."

I was relieved. I had no idea how I would have handled taking a girl's gym class. I had been so nervous about everything else that I hadn't give gym a thought. Mother saved me, thank God.

"Please see if you can put Denise in as many of the girls' classes as you can. I know she'd be more comfortable around them since she doesn't know anyone yet."

She was smoothing the way for me as best she could. Of course it would be easier if I was close to them. Fortunately for me, Janet was in high school.

"I'm sure we can accommodate Denise in at least a few of her classes. If you and she will just take a seat, I'll get her a schedule made up."

That was all too easy, I mused as we sat on the chairs in the lobby. I was very careful to remember how to sit the way the girls had shown me with my knees tightly together and my feet slid off to the side. It felt awkward but I knew it was proper. Especially if I didn't want anyone looking up my skirt. There was so much to remember.

The birth certificate 'Mom' had shown the woman was sticking out of the side pocket of her purse. "May I see that?" I asked nicely.

Mother smiled slyly. "Of course Dear." She handed it to me.

It had been altered, of course, but I couldn't tell by looking at it that it was a forgery. It had been done expertly. I was Denise Cannon. I was a female and I was 13 years old. I saw my real Mom and Dad's names on the certificate. It was disheartening to see. My transcripts were probably even easier to alter. Mother was thorough.

It didn't take them very long to get me signed up for classes. Several kids walked by us. They all looked at me. A few of the girls smiled. They really couldn't tell, I asked myself?

"We're all set Denise." I didn't see the woman approach. I was looking out the glass doors at the sunshine. I wanted to run away.

I turned and took the paper from her hand as Mother and I stood up. "Jennie's going to show you to your next class." She said. There was a girl standing behind her, smiling at me. I sort of smiled back. I was so nervous.

Mother turned to me. She cupped my face in her hands and leaned down and kissed my cheek. "You have a good first day sweetheart." She whispered, "Don't be nervous, you look lovely."

It wasn't very reassuring. "Ok Mom."

"Go on now girls." The woman told the blond and I. "Denise'll be fine Ms Worth." I heard the woman say to Mother as I followed the girl down the hall and around a corner.

"You're name's Denise?" The girl asked me.

"Yes." What was her's? Jennie! That's what the woman had said.

"Where are you from?" She asked.

"New York."

"Where in New York?" Jennie asked, pressing for more information.

I was too nervous to give long explanations. "Buffalo." I wished I was back there now.

"This must be the first time you've changed schools." Jennie observed as we walked.

I turned and looked at her. How did she know. "Yes, it is."

"There's nothing to be nervous about. This is my sixth school. My dad's in the Army. We move around a lot. You'll like it here. There's lots of neat kids. You're pretty, you'll do alright."

She thinks I'm pretty. What a joke. What do I say to that? "Thanks." Was all I could think of.

Suddenly there was a clanging and doors started to swing open and the halls were filled with kids. Jennie was in front of me now as we walked along trying to avoid getting knocked over in the rush. I kept my eyes glued on her back. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone.

We finally turned into an empty classroom. "This is Mrs Getty's English class, second period." Jennie handed me a map of the school. "Mrs Brown marked it up with your classes. The school's not very big. You won't have any trouble."

Jennie was nice. "Thanks."

"That's ok Denise. We have the same lunch period, maybe I'll see you there." The girl with her warm smile turned and left.

I was the only person in the room. I didn't want to just stand there and be the center of attention as everyone came in. I took a seat at a desk half way to the back of the room.

Kids started filing into the room. Everyone looked at me. Some of the boys looked at me for too long. I dropped my eyes when they met their's. The girls looked too but they didn't stare. Cathy was about the fifth person to walk in. She hurried over to me.

"How are you doing?" She whispered.

"I'm scared to death." I whispered back. No one had sat near enough to overhear us.

"I'm here now. I'll help you. Try to relax." Cathy told me. "Come on to the back. There's an empty desk next to mine."

Forget relaxing. I followed her. The room filled up quickly and I continued to get looks. Cathy introduced me to one of her girlfriends, Patty. I did my best to smile as we exchanged greetings. I was thankful that the teacher arrived but felt immediately humiliated when she told me to stand up and introduce myself to the rest of the class. I felt weak in the knees. "My name is Denise Cannon." I sat down quickly, before I fell down. It sounded so strange to here me say it, 'My name is Denise Cannon'.

I looked at my schedule for the first time with Cathy. "Great, aside from English we have Math and lunch together. Amanda has the same lunch period too. You're on your own next period, in history. Look! You have Mr Grimmy for sixth period Science. His name's really Grimes but everybody calls him Grimmy. You'll see why when you meet him."

Something about the way she rambled on helped to ease my tension. I had been in second year Spanish and they had put me into a Spanish class here. Amanda was in that class with me, first period, good. My last class would have been gym. I had a study hall in the library. I would be alone again and I didn't like that.

"Cathy? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?" We both looked up. The teacher, Mrs Getty was staring at Cathy. The rest of the class was silent and staring at the two of us. The last thing I wanted was to draw attention to myself.

"I'm sorry Mrs Getty. Denise is my stepsister. I was just helping her so she'd know where to find her next class."

"There'll be time enough after class for you to help Denise." Mrs Getty told Cathy.

It got easier once class started but I was still constantly aware of every move I made. I watched the other girls in the class as subtly as possible. I watched the little things like what they did while they sat there listening to the teacher, the way they sat, how they occupied their hands. One played with her pencils, another absently curled wisps of hair around her fingers.

I couldn't picture myself acting as silly and girlish as they did. The limp wrists they waved in the air when they raised their hands, they way they gestured when they talked and the facial expressions they were so free with. How could anyone expect me to do those things.

But I watched and learned. Each class was as scary as the one before. I was a wall flower in history. I didn't talk to or look at anyone. I started to walk out of the class without my purse. I had to go back for it.

Cathy introduced me, with great delight, to a few of her friends in Math, fourth period. The girls I had met at the mall were among them.

Amanda was waiting for us when we got to the cafeteria. She had assembled about four of her friends and we sat outside, along with a few of Cathy's. Patty and Brandy I had already met. The others had an endless list of questions to ask. I know I could have done better answering them if my heart had been in it but I was becoming quite a liar and storyteller.

I was sitting there at the table listening to their conversation when I spotted Jennie walking by. She smiled and waved to me. I couldn't ignore her. She had been nice to me earlier and there was something about her that I liked. I returned her smile and waved back, limp wrist and all.

I couldn't help but notice the guys that were everywhere. I was so afraid that one would take a good look at me and wonder. All I needed was for one of them to realize it was one of them. I'd be mortified.

I couldn't eat a thing. I had a soda. When Lunch was almost over and a few of the girls announced they had to go to the girl's room, I froze. I had to go too, but not there, I couldn't. At the first suggestion of going, Cathy and Amanda turned and looked at me. My eyes met there's, pleading. Both gave me a tiny nod. They weren't going to let me get out of it. I reluctantly stood and followed my new friends. Cathy brought up the rear.

I didn't know what to do as I followed Amanda through the girl's room door.

It wasn't much different than the average boy's room except for a the obvious, no urinals. There were more than twice as many stalls but not enough for the room full of girls. I was embarrassed almost to tears. They stood two deep in front of the sinks, primping themselves in the mirrors.

Cathy pushed me toward an empty stall. She closed the door and I could see her feet right outside. I was here, I had to go, so I did. I hiked up my skirt, pulled down my pantyhose and panties and sat. I was careful not to make too much noise peeing. I finished as quickly as possible and pulled myself back together. I was careful to tuck my penis between my legs. I knocked softly and Cathy moved away from the door.

"Fix your hair while I go." She told me. That was easy for her to say. There was an open spot in front of the mirrors. I unzipped my purse and pulled out the brush that Amanda had put in there for me. Janet had shown me how this morning. I didn't over do it. My hair was hardly a mess, just a little windblown. Looking at myself in the mirror, I wasn't unattractive as a girl. I was better looking than a lot of the girls I was sharing the mirror with. Silly thought.

"Put on some gloss." Amanda whispered as she stood beside me. She was freshening hers. She waited till I took the tube from my purse.

I had seen enough women do it to have an idea what I was doing. I thought I did alright.

Again, Amanda whispered in my ear, "That's ok for now but we'll work on doing it the right way tonight."

I looked at myself in the mirror. What was wrong with how I looked, I wondered?

I was glad to get out of there. Amanda and Cathy walked me to my next class. This was Cathy's next class too.

"See you later." Amanda said to Cathy and I.

"Come on. I don't want to be late." Cathy said as she pushed me ahead of her.

I had to go through the same introduction in front of the whole class as I had in the earlier classes. It was getting a little easier. It seemed I didn't have as much to be afraid of as I thought. Judging by the faces of the kids, I was just another new girl.

Cathy took great pleasure in introducing me to more of her friends. It was getting a little easier to talk to them.

Study hall was easy. The woman in charge told me right up front that this wasn't play time and she would not tolerate socializing. no one bothered me. I did some of the homework my new teachers had given out.

My last class was a joke, Home Economics. The teacher was nice, a Miss Lange. She was attentive which made me a little nervous. I must have seemed backward to her. I told her I didn't know how to cook or sew. They were baking pastries today so I just kind of stayed in the background. She teamed me up with two girls, Nancy and Linda. They were nice enough and they didn't ask too many questions.

I was relieved when the final bell rang. I went back to the locker I'd been assigned and unloaded all my new books into it. I had made up my mind what I had to do. I had to get away. I couldn't do this, I told myself.

She must have read my mind. The parking lot, where Amanda, Cathy and Janet were waiting, was on the east side of the building. I went straight to one of the west exits. Janet was waiting just outside the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" She asked, coming up from behind me, grabbing my arm.

I turned at the sound of her voice. My heart sunk.

Janet wasn't to thrilled to have to drive me. It meant that someone had to squeeze in back or one of her friends, either Ann or Heather would have to find another ride back and forth to school. Needless to say, I was the one who had to squeeze in back. There were six of us packed into her little Mustang. It was awkward for me to be so close to these girls, pretending to be one of them.

Mother, Mom, wanted to hear about everything when we got home. The others hardly let me get a word in. Cathy and Amanda couldn't wait to tell their mother how well I did.

She was delighted. "I'm very proud of you Denise. It's not going to take you any time at all to adjust." I was surprised by the hug she gave me.

"Now, each of you check you're chores on the refrigerator list then go change and get busy." Mother told us.

I was happy to find that I only had to dust and vacuum the downstairs. That was easy compared to the things I had been made to do. Was Mother slacking off on me? I hoped so.

I went up and put on the tights and top I had worn on Sunday, to the mall. It was the nearest thing I had to pants and a shirt. I still felt selfconscious in it but it was better than a skirt and blouse. Not to mention pantyhose.

I was finally able to eat a meal and keep it down.

After dinner the four of us went off to do homework. Amanda and I did ours in the rec room. There wasn't enough room in the bedroom for desks.

That night, getting ready for bed, I was taught the rituals it would repeat each night. There was so much to do to get ready for bed. Moisturizing to improve and soften my skin was not the least of it. I would never have imagined it would become second nature to me to do all the things girls do to keep themselves young and attractive. Amanda took the time to show me put on my lip gloss, as promised.

The next morning Janet help me with my hair, only after I made a first attempt. I didn't do too badly she told me.

"Today we're going to put on a little makeup on." Amanda informed me. Reluctantly, I held very still as she made me up. I felt very strange, seeing myself in the mirror with eyeshadow and mascara on my eyes.

My clothes were laid out on the bed for me. A skirt and blouse again. Lots of the girls in school wore jeans, I wished I could but I didn't argue. My sisters dressed well and Mother insisted that I do the same. She had no hesitation now, spending money for new clothes for me.

I made it through yesterday. I supposed I could handle it again.

That day was easier at school. I met more of their friends and while I was terrified the whole day, I didn't feel like I was going to pass out with fear. I ran into Jennie in the hall. She joined us all at lunch. She was a friend of Amanda's too and was surprised to learn that we were 'sisters'. I liked Jennie.

I liked Nancy and Linda too. Once I finally got over being uncomfortable around them, we got along well. They did have a few questions but I had a detailed story that I had been telling everyone. It was getting easier.

That night I started exercising with Cathy. She worked out each night in the basement and mother thought it would be a good idea for me to exercise with her. I objected at first, to no avail. Changing into the tights and leotard she loaned me, I joined Cathy.

At first I wasn't very cooperative but Cathy convinced me it was for my own good. "You don't want fat thighs, do you?" It wasn't long before I found myself enjoying her company.

Each day got a little easier. I watch girls all the time now. I want to appear as natural as possible. It feels a little funny trying to act as giddy and feminine as my new friends but I'm learning.

Nancy called me Thursday night to talk. I gave her my phone number. Mom said it was alright. We talked for about an hour. I was amazed how open she was, the things she talked about. Guys were never like this. It was nice in a way, once I get past being embarrassed, having a friend to talk to. I just wished she wasn't so interested in talking about guys so much.

The next couple of weeks passed quickly and without incident. Each day got a little easier as I was accepted as Denise and I accepted myself. By the second week I was putting on makeup without help. It had taken me quite a while to learn how to do it just so, but the girls were persistent.

Cathy and Amanda are very supportive. They seem genuinely concerned about how I'm adjusting. We talk a lot. One of the things I find very difficult is expressing how I feel. I had learned, like all boys do, that you don't confide your feelings to others. Guys are supposed to be macho. They're supposed to hide how they feel. It was difficult, at first, to learn how to be open and honest that way.

I learned by example. My new sisters, my new girlfriends, didn't have a problem with it and Denise certainly would have seemed odd if she did. I didn't want to seem odd.

Cathy has me working out with her three or four nights a week. I have tights and leotards that they bought me. Working out isn't so bad. It's the only exercise I get these days.

Ever since Janet made the comment about my legs I've been trying to get into better shape. I didn't want my flabby legs to give me away.

Fear had been the motivator that made me pretend to be something I wasn't. Peer pressure was what made me want to be accepted by my new friends as one of them. I worked hard at it.

I was still terrified of being discovered so I rarely went anywhere but to school. Amanda tried to get me to go out with her and her friends but I just couldn't get up the nerve.

I never thought I'd get used to school. I occasionally forget myself and forget that I'm supposed to be a girl, but it didn't happen very often. Less and less as time passed.

I never took much notice in the difference between the way guys and girls dress. It's not just the obvious differences. I'm acutely aware of those. It's the colors. Girls can wear all kinds of bright colors and prints. Guys never do. It's funny but now that I've been wearing all these bright colored blouses it doesn't seem fair to the guys. I started to enjoy wearing them.

I'm doing better with my class work since I got over feeling so self conscious. The only thing that really bothers me is the stares I sometimes get from some of the guys.

I've found it's easier going to the girls' room when it's less crowded. I try to time my trips there during classes, when there's fewer girls there. that helps.

I was sitting in Study Hall today and this guy comes up and introduces himself to me. He's in my Spanish class and he wanted to know if I'd loan him my notes. By the way he looked at me I knew that wasn't what he was really after. I immediately put him off. I guess you could say I was rude. "I don't loan my notes. Why don't you pay attention in class." I said. He called me a bitch. I would have laughed if I hadn't been so scared. He won't bother me again.

With school over for the Summer I don't get out much. I don't really want to. I hang around the house. I read a lot. Mom doesn't give me a hard time about not going out. She does chase me outside. She says it's not healthy for me to stay cooped up inside. I go out on the deck in back a lot.

We went to see the fireworks tonight. We went with some friends of Mom's. She introduced me to them as her daughter. It's weird around adults. They're easy to fool it seems.

Mr. Tate took us all for ice cream after the fireworks. That was nice of him.

The Tate's have a son and daughter, Paul and Casey. He's my age, she's a year and a half younger. It's funny, I'm nervous being around Paul but it's Casey that I worry about. Guys are pretty easy to fool. If you look like a girl they don't ask questions, they just assume you are one. Casey, on the other hand, seems to watch me all the time whenever we're over there. The way she seems to follow me around, the way she looks at me sometimes. It bothers me.

They were all over our house one Saturday night. We barbecued on the grill. Casey was helping me set the table when I realized she was staring at me again. I finally got up the courage to ask, "What is it!?" I blurted out.

Casey looked shocked at my question. She looked away, almost as if she was afraid to reply.

"Why do you stare at me all the time." I asked. I was ready for the worst but I just couldn't stand her watching me anymore.

She turned to me and, sheepishly said, "You're so pretty." She hesitated. "But you're not snotty like most girls. You're different."

I couldn't believe what I heard. "Thanks." Was all I could think of to say.

Casey and I became friends that day. She became like a younger sister to me and while she didn't realize what was happening, I learned a lot from her.

I must be sick or something. I happened to bump into the doorjamb by accident and hit my chest. I felt like I was stuck with a pin, in my nipple. I looked for a splinter but their wasn't one. Then I touched my other one and it was just as tender. I looked in the mirror and the ring around it and the nipple itself looked bigger, like it was swollen. Strange.

Mom says we're going to Church tomorrow. That's a first for me.

"You can finally get to wear one of the pretty new dresses I bought you." She told me.

I'm not the least excited about wearing a dress.

Hardly a day goes by that Mom doesn't have something new for me. I really wish she wouldn't. I don't want any more girls clothes.

Things are so much different than when I first arrived. She's so much nicer to me now. Cathy and Amanda are really friendly to me too. Janet is still standoffish. She hardly says anything to me. I do my own hair and she doesn't help me anymore. I wish I know what's bothering her. I try to go out of my way to be nice to her.

Getting dressed for church was a lot different than getting ready for school. At least the slip is smooth and silky. It won't let the material of the dress brush against my nipples. I wince every time anything brushes against them now. They are definitely swollen. They're almost twice the size they used to be and the ring around them had definitely gotten bigger. I suppose I should ask Mom about it but I'm afraid she'll think I'm complaining about nothing. I'll wait and see. Maybe it will pass.

"You look very pretty girls. All of you." Mom told us as she stood in the yard with the camera, looking back at us, posing in front of the house.

She must have taken half a dozen pictures of us. Mom was as bad as Amanda with her camera.

The simple white dress isn't much worse that wearing a skirt and blouse. The red bow in my hair is something new but it looks pretty. Mom bought me new earrings and a little white purse to go with my dress. The thought of going out in public in it makes me a little nervous but they all assure me that I look terrific. I'm not as self conscious as I was.

We're going to stop at the cemetery on the way to church. Mom thought it would be nice to put fresh flowers on Dad's grave. I don't resent him like I used to.

After Mom snapped the picture I turned to Amanda. She had put on my red lipstick for me. "Are you sure it looks alright?" I asked her. I never wore anything but the gloss till that day.

"You look terrific Denise, relax and stop licking it. You're going to lick it all off before we even get in the car."

"I can't help it." I confessed. I licked it again.

"Now you need to fix it silly." Amanda laughed. "Come on into the house. We have to hurry."

Amanda stood behind me as I took my lipstick from my purse and redid my lips.

"Now stop licking them." Amanda mock scolded me.

I took a deep breath to help calm my nerves. Mom had taught me that trick and it seemed to help. As I inhaled deeply I could smell again the perfume I put on that morning. I liked the fragrance. It was Amanda's and Mom insisted I wear some. There was something about wearing perfume that made me feel pretty and feminine. A feeling I was getting acclimated to.

"Come on girls. Time to go." Mom called from the front door.

We had washed the Cadillac yesterday and it looked great. I rode in the back with Amanda and Cathy. I had spent several hours practicing walking in my heels yesterday. I was still a little unsure of myself in them but I'd could get by without falling down. Thank God they're not like Cathy's and Janet's. Their's are at least 2" heels. Mine and Amanda's are only little short ones.

The ushers opened the doors for us. Mom had always taught me that men should open doors for ladies. What an odd feeling to have a man open one for me.

Mom got a lot of complements about the way she looked and about her girls. We were so beautiful and so poised, according to her friends. All I did was remember to sit up straight and keep my head up the way she told me.

I had to smile and say hello to everyone she introduced me to. I felt out of place among all these older women. I had just begun to get comfortable being around girls my age.

After the service we had to socialize. I was standing with Cathy. We were talking with some of her friends I'd just met when I noticed someone across the room. I did a double take before I was sure it was him. It was Bill. The same Bill that had discovered me in Amanda's underwear in the boys' locker room at Bentley. I stepped over next to Cathy, turning my back to him. Surely he'd recognize me. I had to get out of there.

"Cathy, tell Mom I needed to get some fresh air. I'll wait outside for you." I couldn't tell her the real reason I had to get out of there. Not in front of her friends.

I was almost to the door when Janet came walking up beside me. "Where are you going?"

There was no one close to us. "I saw someone I used to know at Bentley." I was in a hurry but Janet held me by the arm. She wouldn't let me go.

"Where is he?" She asked, looking back in the direction of the parishioners standing around talking.

I pointed him out. "That's him. The one with the black hair."

"The one in the blue suit?" She asked me.

"That's him, Bill." I was panicked. The people his parents were talking to were turning to leave and Bill turned in our direction. He was following his Mom and Dad. They were walking right toward us.

"Janet, please let me go. I have to get outside." I begged but she didn't release her grip on my arm.

"No, we're going to stand right here and pretend we're talking and let him pass right by us."

"Why are you doing this to me?" I knew she didn't like me but this could be disastrous.

"Never mind. Just start talking. Tell me about your Home Economics class. Tell me what you've been doing."

I was terrified but it was to late to run. He was only about twenty feet away and it would draw attention to me if I started to walk now. There was no one in between Janet and I and them.

Janet's back was to them as they approached. I was facing them. If he looked up he would look me right in the face. It was hard to think of what to say to Janet. I told her about how we were learning to shop for groceries.

He was only ten feet away, walking behind his mother on the far side of the isle. I saw him look up and turned my eyes back to Janet's. I was shaking and I could hear my voice waver.

He was looking right at me. I could tell. I waited for him to say something. "Hey, aren't you Dennis Cannon. You decided to turn into a full blown drag queen I see. Hey everybody, this is Dennis Cannon. He's a guy dressed up as a girl. He's queer."

The revelation never came. He looked right at me and didn't recognize me. When he was abreast of me I couldn't resist. I glanced over at him and our eyes met. There was no sign of recognition. There was a flirtive smile. I looked away. He didn't recognize me. He looked right at me and smiled and didn't know who I was.

Janet waited until Bill and his parents were out the door. "Now, will you stop worrying?"

I was mad at her. "Why did you do that to me. Do you hate me that much? I haven't done anything to you."

"I did it to prove to you that you have nothing to worry about. Let's go outside."

I hesitated but she took my arm again.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was warm but not uncomfortable with the light breeze that was blowing. You could smell the honeysuckle from the trees and bushes out in front of the church.

We walked away from the people who had gathered out front. I was afraid that Bill would be out there but I saw him walk around the far side of the building, toward the parking lot. We were heading in the opposite direction. When finally stopped, out of earshot of everyone, Janet let go of my arm.

"Why do you hate me?" I asked again. I was much calmer now.

"I don't hate you Denise. I used to. I hated you long before I ever met you. I've hated you for years. You're the reason my mother and your father were apart for so long. The reason he wouldn't leave your mother. My mother and your father had been in love for years. Amanda's your half sister." She said as though it would be some kind of surprise to me.

"I know." I said sadly.

"You know!" It was Janet's turn to be surprised.

"I knew the first day I met all of you. But I never knew my Dad didn't love my Mom." That was a saddening revelation for me.

Janet went on. "I hated the little worm that came to live with us. I hated sharing your father with you. He was my father too. The only one I'd ever known and I loved him. I hated the idea of having you intrude on our lives.

I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry Janet. I didn't know how you felt about me and Dad."

"Damn it, that's just what I'm talking about."

I looked up at her, questioningly. "What?"

"I hated Dennis but you make it so hard for me to hate Denise. I've tried, God knows I've tried."

I looked into her eyes. The same film of moisture that was clouding mine eyes was clouding hers now. We just stood there for a few seconds looking at each other them I broke down and cried. Not just a tear or two but gushing torrents. I don't ever remember crying like that before.

Janet raised her arms to me and I buried my face on the front of her blue dress. She held me as I cried my heart out. Everything that I had been holding back for so long came out that morning.

Janet stroked my head. "It's alright Denise. Let it out."

I could feel her tears as they dropped from her cheeks onto my head. Her voice was cut with sobs too.

"I wanted you to like me. I didn't understand." I told her as we held each other.

"I know, I know."

"What's wrong?" I heard. I looked up. Mom, Cathy and Amanda were hurrying towards us.

"Nothing, we're fine." Janet told them.

I looked up at Janet. Black streaks were running down her face. Her eyes were all red and puffy. She didn't look fine. "You're a mess." I told her smiling.

Surprised, she looked back to me and saw my smile. "You don't look so hot yourself."

We hugged again. "Just a little heart to heart." Janet told the others.

I turned to them again and seeing them smile at the two of us I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. A warm glow from inside.

"I think we better go home." Mother suggested. "You girls are a sight."

We all changed as soon as we got home. I was anxious to get out of the dress. I was anxious for something else too. I went down stairs looking for Mom. I didn't see her so I went and knocked on her bedroom door.

"Who is it?" She called out.

"It's me Mom." I answered.

"Just a second Denise. I'll be right there."

It only took a minute before the door opened. "What is it honey." She asked me.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked.

"Sure honey." Mom stood aside and invited me into her bedroom. "What's wrong?"

"I think I'm sick." I said, standing next to her bed.

She came over and sat on the edge of the bed by me. "Have you got a fever?" She put her hand on my forehead. She was genuinely concerned.

"No, it's not like that. I've don't know exactly what it is."

"Well, tell me. Maybe I can help."

I hesitated. I felt foolish. "It's embarrassing."

"It's alright sweetheart. You can tell me."

I trusted her about that. "I have a pain in my chest. Well it's not really a pain. I'm sort of sore."

"Where in your chest?"

That was the embarrassing part.

She could see it was awkward for me. "Just show me."

I pulled the tee shirt out of my tights. Holding it up I pointed to my nipples. Mom touched one and I jumped.

"You're sensitive there?" It was as much a question as a statement. It was pretty obvious.

"Very." I looked up at Mom. She had a strange look on her face. Was it a smile? I wasn't sure.

"Do you want me to take you to the doctor?" She asked.

I didn't have to even think about that for a second. "NO! Don't you know what it is?" No way did I want a doctor to see me. That would have been too embarrassing. I pulled down my shirt.

"No I don't sweetheart. I could call someone tomorrow and find out." Mom brushed my cheek with her hand. She was definitely smiling now. Was she trying to reassure me? That must have been it.

"Please." I asked.

"Ok sweetheart." Mom agreed.

Things took a change for the better that Sunday. Maybe it was just that a lot of things came into focus. The wall had been torn down between Janet and I. Mom and I became friends. I gained new confidence in myself and I didn't feel like so much of a freak anymore.

I started doing things with Amanda, getting out. I liked riding bikes with her and her friends. Cathy loaned me her old one. She didn't use it much anymore.

I went along with her when she went to her friends' houses. It was fun to get out.

When Nancy called and said that she and Linda were going to the mall, I went with them. I was actually surprised I had as much fun as I did.

I was watching Cathy repair her plastic cosmetic case one day and I was trying to hold the pieces together for her while she applied the super glue. I stupidly got my fingers stuck together. It took a while and a lot of soaking with nail polish remover to get them apart.

Getting my fingers glued together gave me an idea. That night, while the others were downstairs watching television, I was upstairs experimenting.

I was actually looking forward to the start of school the next week. I had a lot of new friends that I got along with really great. What did have me worried was PE. I had gotten out of it last year but I was going to have to take it this fall. How could I do that with what was between my legs? I hoped that the super glue was the answer.

I was still pretty small it seemed to me. Then, I had nothing to compare myself too. The last time I'd seen another guy's penis was quite some time ago. I figured I was normal for my age. Maybe just a little small.

It was easy to pull the loose skin from its base, up to the top. I used two tiny drops of the glue to hold it there. I drew up more skin, pressing down the head, and glued it again. I repeated it four times until my small penis was lost in the folds of skin. Satisfied with the way I looked, I did the same to my testicles.

Using me hand mirror, I checked myself this way and that. It looked pretty good. It looked almost as natural as Amanda's and I was excited. She and I had become close and we didn't bother to hide from each other to change anymore. We'd seen each other undressed lots of times. I was almost anxious for her to see how convincing I looked. I made her promise not to tell anyone what I'd done.

Mom pulled me aside a couple of days before school started. She was worried about PE too. She was amazed that I'd found the solution to my problem on my own. She wasn't really excited about my using the glue on myself but when I showed her how it looked and she was thrilled. She said she was still looking for someone to help me find a more acceptable solution to the problem. I could wait.

Going to High School was pretty exciting. All of us had been shopping the past few weeks for new clothes for school. I had a dozen new outfits that really looked nice on me. Amanda had a lot too and we were sharing now. Mom wasn't so strict about what I could wear anymore. I had some new skirts and dresses but I also had three or four new pairs of nice shorts to go with the pretty blouses she bought me. I even had coulots.

I've had a few embarrassing episodes with the guys at school in the past couple of days. A couple of them have been trying to get friendly with me. I managed to turn them off. Cathy says that she heard from some of her friends that the word has gotten around that I'm a bookworm and even though some think I'm pretty, I'm not worth wasting their time on. That's great with me.

PE isn't so bad. I change and shower with the girls and everything. It's a little weird but I'm real careful not to gawk. Some of the girls are have matured sooner than others and it' hard not to stare. For the most part, I don't look any different than the majority of them. I'm really happy with the way I look, next to a lot of them. At least I have a figure. I could be fat like some of them. Still, it's hard not to feel a little modest around them.

I am burying my nose in the books. It's easier than trying to play the games with the guys. The teachers have told me I'm holding an 'A' average.

Mom said she finally talked to a doctor Monday. It had been so long that I almost forgot she was going to. She said that the doctor thought it might be an allergic reaction to something. Mom said it was nothing to worry about but we'd keep an eye on it. My nipples seem to still be growing and they're still pretty sensitive. Mom and I went shopping. She bought me camisoles to wear under my blouses and they help. They're very smooth and silky. They feel nice and they're very pretty.

Jennie came over this afternoon and we did homework together. She's shy. I guess the reason I like her is that she acts a lot like I do. She gets straight A's too.

Some of the stuff we talk about makes me uncomfortable. Jennie doesn't date yet. Her mother won't let her. She talks a lot about boys. It's interesting to learn how girls feel about them. I'm careful not to be too opinionated and react defensively to what she says about us.

It's early Saturday afternoon and I'm curled up in a sleeping bag on the rec room floor. I'm not alone but the others are all still sleeping. Amanda and I had a slumber party last night.

I was not for the idea at first. The thought scared me to death, having all these girls come over and spend the night.

I wasn't sure how to act or what to do. At least I was able to invite Jennie and Nancy too. It wasn't that I didn't know the others. Amanda had invited me into her group from the first day and I hung around with all of them as much as my own friends.

Everybody got along great. It didn't take me long before I was enjoying myself. They hurried home from school and then came over to the house. Mom barbecued hamburgers and hot dogs. It's been so long since I've had a hamburger. My eyes were bigger than my stomach. I couldn't eat as much as I used to.

Janet had a date. She's going out with this guy, Greg. When he came to pick her up I was in the kitchen helping Mom. He looked at me in a way that made me uncomfortable when Janet introduced me.

I haven't gotten used to the way guys stare at girls. I was way past worrying that he might see me as anything but a girl.

Cathy hung around for a while but took off to spend the night at a girlfriend's. I wouldn't have minded if she stayed.

After dinner we watched a couple of tapes and goofed around.

Later, we all changed and got ready for bed. Not that anyone had any intention of sleeping that night.

Amanda wanted me to wear the pretty sheer nightie that Mom bought me but I couldn't. I had my comfortable cotton poet shirt that I wore for a nightie. That was more comfortable for me. I was glad I could wear it without having to be afraid. I didn't look any different from my friends in their jammies.

Brandy brought her tunes. She and the others wanted to dance. I had never danced in my life. Guys don't dance. Amanda reminded me, off to the side, that I wasn't supposed to be a guy. Jennie even knew how to dance. She dragged me out into the middle of the room. Everyone was dancing. I felt like a jerk at first. Girls definitely move differently than guys. I watched the others, trying to dance the way they did. It took me a while to catch on.

Everyone had brought a bag of stuff; a change of clothes, a sleep shirt or nightie and to my surprise, most had brought makeup. I was a little nervous but Amanda assured me there was no problem. She had stashed a box under the couch and pulled it out. It was full of makeup.

Everybody helped everyone else. Amanda was not about to leave me out. I told her, privately, I didn't want to try it but she wouldn't take no for an answer.

I had learned a little about putting on makeup but I was so slow and awkward putting on mine. It was the first time I'd put on eyeliner and so much eyeshadow. Using eyebrow pencil and lip liner was new to me too. Fortunately, I wasn't the only one who knew so little about makeup. Blush made my cheeks look so red.

Jennie surprised me. "Denise, your eyebrows are too bushy. Here, I'll pluck them for you." She scooted down on the floor in front of me with her tweezers.

I didn't want her to. "Mom might get mad." I told her.

"It's ok Denise. Mom won't say anything." Amanda said loud enough for everyone to hear. They all looked at me. I had no more excuse. I looked in the mirror when Jennie finished. Mine looked just like hers. They were narrower and arched. I don't know why but they made my eyes look bigger now. I definitely looked prettier.

By midnight, after an hour of practicing, I had learned to apply the new makeup by myself. I had tried a dozen different shades of eyeshadows, blushes and lipstick to see what looked best on me.

Sandy and Ginny were doing each others' hair. They were trying different styles. Nancy offered to help me with mine. There was no reason I shouldn't. Nancy tried a few different styles on me. My hair's long enough to do a lot with. The style I liked best made me look older. Nancy piled it high on my head and pulled out little ringlets down at the sides. I looked like I was about 20. I looked great.

Nancy wanted her hair in a french braid and she asked me to help her. She talked me through it. It took me a while to get it right.

Through all of our fun the conversation centered on boys. I learned a lot that night. They talked about the guys they had been out with. Most of the girls were allowed to date. Only Amanda, Jennie and I weren't. I didn't mind but they did.

Kim told everyone about Peter, her boyfriend. She talked about the way he kissed and how she let him caress her tits. I didn't know girls called them that too.

Ginny had to try to out do Kim. She told everyone what it was like to have a guy finger her. She wouldn't say who he was but she was very descriptive of the way it felt. Everyone stopped doing whatever they were doing to listen to Ginny. I felt very out of place.

Ginny was saying how he got this huge hard on. That made me think. I never had one. If her boyfriend was our age, shouldn't I have experienced that by now? Maybe it's psychological, I decided.

It was about four thirty in the morning when I finally fell asleep. I hate to admit it but I had a lot of fun.

Weeks passed. Months went by. Amanda and I dressed up for Halloween. Cathy was a pain, "I'm too old for that stuff." She insisted.

Janet went to a party with Greg. He was Robin Hood and she was Maid Marion. Her dress was gorgeous. Greg looked silly in tights.

They don't hurt so much any more but they're swollen or something. Probably from being so sore for so long. They're not as sensitive as they used to be. Mom still insists there's nothing to worry about.

I thought about mentioning my concern, about not getting erections like other guys, but what was the point? I really didn't want to. That would have ruined everything. I carried a tube of super glue in my purse, all the time. About every two weeks I have to redo myself.

Last time I thought I noticed a change. I wondered if it didn't look smaller than I used to? It's hard to tell if there's anything wrong when it's all shriveled up. I decided not to say anything. It was just my imagination, I decided.

That Christmas was like no other I could remember. I still miss my Mom, the Christmas' we used to have, but it was the best Christmas in a long time. I was wonderful to be part of this family. I never felt closer to anyone than my new Mom and my sisters. It used to be hard, being an only child.

There were presents packed under the tree. The five of us had a great time that morning. I got so many beautiful new clothes. I even got two pairs of jeans from Mom. I hugged and kissed her, I was so happy.

I never had much jewelry of my own. A couple of pairs of earrings, a inexpensive imitation gold necklace, a few bracelets. The girls went together and got me lots of new earrings and things. It was really exciting.

The rest of the school year went pretty well. I remember how much fun it was getting dressed up for class pictures in April. Mom let Amanda and I wear full make up that day. We both looked pretty hot.

School's out for the summer and I actually miss it.

Janet got a summer job. She's working at a store in the mall. She really likes the job. She doesn't make a lot of money but she gets a discount on clothes and that makes up for it. She says she's happy.

I've been doing some babysitting to earn money. Amanda used to sit for Mrs Walsh's girls, the twins are three years old. Mom sat with me the first few times, till I got comfortable with it, but now I go over alone. The girls are sweet and they seem to like me.

I was feeling kind of funny the past week. Cathy and Amanda keep trying to get me to go out with them but I don't feel like it. I just kind of hang around the house.

Mom says I should get out but I'd rather just stay home. I help Mom with chores and watch tv a lot. I don't have a lot of energy.

We all went to the movies tonight. I didn't want to go but Mom insisted. We were standing out front, waiting to by our tickets and these guys were staring at us. I'm used to that sort of thing now, but this one guy was really cute. Looking at him that way, that bothered me when I thought about it.

Cathy's gone to Florida with Patty and her family for two weeks. It's pretty quiet in the house with Janet working so much and going out with Greg all the time. Most of the time it's just Amanda and Mom here.

The swelling is getting worse and I don't know what to do. I have lumps the size of golf balls. When I was heavier, when dad and I first came here, I was pretty out of shape. I thought I would have lost the fleshy skin from my chest but I still have it for some reason.

Mom looked at them. She's still not worried.

I seem to be gaining a little weight, at last. According to the bathroom scale I'm up to 100 pounds. I haven't weighed that much since before Dad was killed. What bothers me about it is that it seems to be concentrated on my behind. I know my waist is a skinny as ever. When I looked at myself in the mirror my bottom seems bigger than it used to. Maybe that's my imagination again.

"What're you doing honey?" Mom asked as she walked into the bedroom.

I spent a lot of my time reading. It was a beautiful day but I chose not to go with Amanda to Ginny's this afternoon. "Just reading Mom." She could see that, of course, but adults always ask dumb questions like that.

"I bought you something today." She seemed all excited. She had something behind her back.

Mom was constantly buying us things. I put down the book and sat up on the bed. "What is it?" I asked anxiously.

"Open it." Mom said as she handed me the small box. She had the biggest smile on her face as she sat down on the edge of my bed.

I tried to figure out what it was as I pulled the wrapping off in a hurry. It was too small a box to hold another blouse or skirt. I had a half dozen camisoles and I didn't need any more.

I cut the tape holding the lid on with my nails. I had learned all kinds of ways to use my long nails. I suppose my expression disappointed Mom when I folded back the tissue paper and saw the bra. I just looked at Mom, stunned.

She was still smiling. "Isn't it pretty." She asked.

"It's lovely," I had learned a new vocabulary to better suit my role. "But why?"

Mom laughed. "Because it's time sweetheart. You're becoming a young woman now."

It wasn't till that moment that it dawned on me. How stupid could I have been. I wasn't swollen. I was developing breasts, tits. "But...how, why?" How could this be happening to me?.

Mom continued to smile at me. She was looking at me as though I were naive. "It's perfectly natural for a young girl to develop into a woman."

"BUT I'M NOT A GIRL, I'M A BOY." The outburst was uncontrolled. I said it before I thought about what I was saying. I instantly wished I could take it back.

I was ready for her to fly into a rage but she surprised me. She remained calm and spoke to me in a motherly tone. "You were a boy once, but not anymore Dear. Denise, I understand this may be a little hard for you to accept but just look at yourself."

She took me off guard. I turned to the mirror and looked at my reflection. The hair, the face and even my body. Guys weren't built the way I was. They didn't have soft, pretty faces either.

"That's not a boy in the mirror. That's a pretty young girl with a smooth complexion and soft skin. She walks and talks like a girl. It's only natural that she's developing breasts."

It still didn't make sense but I was obviously not going to get anywhere arguing with her.

"Let's see how it looks on you." Mom said, her warm smile back on her face.

There was no point in fighting it any more. I pulled my top off over my head. I took the bra from the box and put it on. I had a little trouble with the hook in back but managed to get it without Mom's help. It felt strange wearing it.

"Perfect." She said. It looks lovely on you and it fits just right." She adjusted the shoulder straps slightly.

I looked down at myself. I had actually been oblivious of the change in the shape of my chest. The growth had been so gradual and the change so subtle that I hadn't been aware of what was really happening to me. I had breasts. Real, distinguishable breasts that were accented now that the bra held and shaped them.

As happened so often in the past few months, tears filled my eyes. I seemed to cry at the drop of a hat. This was not the drop of a hat. Mother held me until I calmed down.

When she left me alone, having gone downstairs to start dinner, I stood in front of the mirror in just my underwear. My underwear. The words had a funny, ironic ring to them. Mom was right. I wasn't much of a boy anymore. I was filling out into the shape of a girl, a 'young woman' as she put it.

About a half hour later I went down and set the table. I was wearing my new bra under my tee shirt.

Mom announced to Janet and Amanda, as soon as they walked in the door, the latest news. Janet hugged me as if it were the greatest thing to ever happen to anyone. Amanda was equally thrilled for me. I didn't understand what was so terrific. Apparently it was important enough for us to place a call to Florida after dinner. Cathy was just as happy for me. "I can't wait to get home and see you." She told me.

This was all too much for me. I went to my room after the call but Amanda and Janet wouldn't leave me alone.

"Let me see." Janet asked all excited.

This wasn't normal. I was sure of that. "I can't, it's embarrassing."

"Don't be silly." Janet said. She took off her blouse and unhooked her bra. I was a little taken back to have her standing in front of me with her breasts exposed.

I guess I must have blushed. "There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. We're sisters and besides, girls don't get embarrassed the way boys do. You should know that by now. Boys are so silly. It's like they're ashamed to see another naked boy. We're not like that.

Just to prove the point. Amanda took off her top and bra too. I was stunned that they were this open with me. If they could be this uninhibited, couldn't I?

Janet touched my bare skin. I shivered at her touch. "If I judge by the size of your nipples, you're going to fill out nicely. You'll probably be at least a B if not a C cup."

Janet's dark red nipples were about the same size as mine and her breasts were big. At least they seemed big to me. I, of course had see lots of girls' chests, in school. I just never thought...

Amanda looked sad. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"You're probably going to be bigger than me." She said comparing nipples.

Amanda did have small nipples and her breasts were small compared to Janet's. Should I feel sorry for her? I didn't know how to react. I only knew how I felt, apprehensive, scared and, strangely, excited. It was all so weird.

A day doesn't go by that I don't check myself. My chest continues to develop. It's unnatural. I didn't think girls developed this quickly. I am too embarrassed to set a foot out of the house. Everyone tells me I'm being foolish. From their point of view maybe they're right. But I'm scared.

Boy's my age were reaching puberty. I saw how it effected them. Their voices changed, they began to develop muscle tone, hair sprouted on their faces.

What was happening to me? I was getting prettier. I was growing breasts. My skin was as soft and clear as any of my sisters. The boys were cultivating hairy legs, I was shaving mine. Where their bodies stared to show definition of their muscles, I was filling out with soft curves.

I had tried not to dwell on the strange twist in my life had taken. It was hard sometimes to continue to pretend but it didn't bother me as much as it used to. That day was particularly hard on me.

"Honey, are you alright?" Mom asked me tonight. She had come into the rec room where we were all watching tv. I was reading. I had been very quiet during dinner.

"It's just....." I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Come on in my room. Let's talk." She must have thought it was difficult to say what was on my mind in front of Amanda and Cathy. She was right but it was just as awkward to talk to Mom about my problems.

Mom closed the door behind her. "Let's talk sweetheart. what's bothering you."

We both sat on the edge of the bed. I looked at her, trying to think of how to say it. "I'm confused and scared." I said meekly.

"What's scaring you?" She asked.

"It's just...." My shoulders drooped with frustration. "I don't know what to do."

"About what honey." She was trying to make it easier for me.

"I feel like a freak."

She put her arm around me. "You're not a freak sweetheart."

"Then what am I? I'm not a girl, not really. I'm not a boy either. I'm something in between. I'm a freak." That's the thought that has nagged and tortured me for weeks, months. "I'm scared all the time, scared that someone will discover my secret. It's driving me crazy."

Mom looked at me thoughtfully. "Maybe there's something that can be done to help you feel more comfortable."

My spirits leaped. "Can I go back to being Dennis?" I asked, not even really sure that's what I wanted any more.

"And lose Denise forever? No sweetheart. I don't want to lose my little girl. Your sisters would be heartbroken to see you go."

Go, I asked myself? Go where? Then Mother's words of so long ago came back to me. 'I won't have a boy living here.'

I had nowhere to go. Besides, I liked living here now with the girls as my friends. If only I could live among them as I was, but apparently that wasn't an option. "I don't want to go away." I told her.

"I'm glad sweetheart. We don't want you to go. Give Mom a few days to see if I can figure something out."

I had no idea what that meant. I could only wait.

A few weeks had passed when Mom came to me. She said she got the name of this woman from a magazine article. "She's a gynecologist."

A woman's doctor?

I'm wasn't exactly sure what I was doing there. Mom spent a long time in her office talking to her while I waited in the waiting room. My stomach was really upset.

They finally asked me to come in. "Hello Denise. I'm Dr Morse. Your stepmother has told me about your problem."

Problem? What did Mom tell her?

"I'd like to run some tests on you and then we'll see if there isn't something we can do to help you."

What kind of tests, I wondered. She led mother and I to an examining room. It wasn't so bad at first. She only took some blood.

"Now slip out of your clothes and put on this gown. I need to examine you." Dr Morse told me. I turned to Mother, terrified. My heart raced.

"It's alright Denise. The doctor knows all about you. She understands. You have nothing to be afraid of."

I looked from Mother to the doctor. The doctor gave me a reassuring smile. "It's alright Denise. Just slip into the gown."

I went behind the screen and did as I was told, reluctantly. It felt very strange letting the doctor examine me as thoroughly as she did. I was exposing myself to be ridiculed.

I was almost surprised when, after probing around my testicles and penis, the doctor didn't say much of anything. I couldn't see her or Mother as I laid back on the pillow.

"Alright Denise. Go ahead and get dressed. I need to talk to your Mom in my office. Would you wait in the waiting room?"

"Sure" I told her. All I wanted to do was to get out of there.

It was a good half hour before Mom came out and we left to go home. Mom didn't say much except that the doctor was going to call her when the tests came back.

I let the episode pass.

The doctor called on Tuesday. Mom talked to her for a long time. It was difficult to tell what they talked about. Mom finally asked me to leave the room so she could talk to the doctor in private. I left the kitchen and waited in the rec room, watching television.

"Well I think we've found a solution to our problem sweetheart." Mom came into the rec room with a satisfied look on her face.

"What did she say." I asked. I was less than thrilled about all of this. What had Mom and the doctor cooked up?

"She's suggested a way to make you feel more comfortable."

"What is it?" I asked. I could feel my stomach beginning to turn over again.

"It's nothing to worry about honey. Just leave everything to me. We have an appointment tomorrow."

"What's she going to do?" I really wanted to know.

Mom sat down on the couch next to me. "You'll be fine, don't worry."

The fact that she wouldn't tell me made me worry all the more. I barely picked at my dinner that evening and I don't think I got more than an hour's sleep all night.

We got up early. "No breakfast this morning honey. We'll get something to eat after our appointment. Just take your vitamins."

I didn't care about skipping breakfast. I couldn't eat anyway. "Oh, I almost forgot." Mom took a pill bottle from the cabinet and hand me a big white capsule. "Take this for me."

"What is it?" I asked looking at it in the palm of my hand.

"It's something Dr Morse sent over yesterday. It will help calm your nerves." She explained.

I wanted to relax. My nerves were on edge. I took the pill without asking any more questions.

I thought we'd be going back to Dr Morse's office. The place we went was in the same complex but it was a different office. I tried to read the sign outside but I was feeling kind of fuzzy, lightheaded. It was hard to concentrate.

I don't know how long we waited to be escorted into the back. It might have been five minutes or an hour. I was very disoriented. I remember the woman in white telling me to take my clothes off. Mom helped me. She gave me a shot when I was lying on the table. I remember the table had stirrups. I seem to remember thinking it was silly, my lying there like that. I laughed to myself.

I woke up in another room. The walls were green and the lights were dim. I couldn't feel anything from my waist down. My arms felt like they weighed a ton when I tried to lift them. I turned my head to see Mom sitting in the corner reading a magazine.

"Mom?"

"Hi sweetheart. How do you feel?" She stood up and walked over next to the bed.

"Groggy." I said.

"That's natural honey. Just relax for a while. Close your eyes if you want. I'll be right here." She stroked my head.

As if I needed to be asked. My eyelids almost slammed shut.

I was still pretty numb when they wheeled me out to the car in the wheelchair. Cathy and Amanda helped Mom get me upstairs into my bed. Mom gave me a pill and told me to sleep. I didn't last long.

I remember waking up a few times. I wasn't numb any more and I hurt a little, down in my crotch. The pills killed the pain and knocked me out quickly.

I was surprised to learn that I slept through to the next day. I laid in my bed, all bandaged up. What did they do to me?

I can't see or feel anything under the bandages. Mom said I'll find out soon enough. She seems happy about whatever it is they did. I have to stay in bed for a few days.

I'm tired of lying in bed. I'm bored. Mom asked Cathy if I could use her little TV. It helps pass the time. All the girls and Mom spend as much time as they can, keeping me company. I've asked each of them if they know what was done but they say they don't know.

Mom moved me down into the rec room today. I can walk but the bandages chaff. I don't have any more pain but I itch under the bandages. I wish I could scratch. I still don't know what they did. Mom says we go back to the doctor on Wednesday. I can't wait to get this stuff off me.

Dr Morse put on a fresh bandage with out letting me see. I wanted to ask her what had been done to me but Mom interrupted me when I started to ask. I got the hint from the look on her face. It said, 'be still'.

Dr Morse said everything looked fine. The other doctor, who I never saw, did an excellent job. She smiled at me after finishing. "I think you're going to be pleased Denise. You look very natural."

What did she mean 'natural'. I got my first hint at what they did. I guess I had known all along but found it hard to accept. I suppose, deep down inside me, I still had the desire to be Dennis again. The feeling was very deep these days.

Mom says it's ironically appropriate that today's my birthday. I'm 16 today.

I had already accepted in my mind what I knew they'd done to me. I wasn't shocked when Mom removed the bandages this morning. Most of the stitches were already dissolved.

"Honey, I'm so happy for you. Now you don't have to be scared any more." Mom handed me the little hand mirror.

I was hesitant to look at first. When I finally did, I looked just like any other girl. I was still a little swollen Mom said. "Dr Morse says it will go away in a few days."

It seemed very weird. I'd no longer need the glue that I carried with me everywhere. My penis was gone. My balls were gone. I put my finger against the pink folds of skin. I was still very sensitive.

"Careful honey. You're not completely healed yet." Mom cautioned me as she watched me curiously probe.

I felt for the hole. The hole that all women had. There was none. My initial reaction was relief, but then when I thought about it, realizing now that there was no going back for me, I felt something else. I felt cheated.

After living as a girl for so long, experiencing life as a girl, I was a little envious of what they took for granted. Day in and day out, I played the part. Until I no longer found myself acting. It had become second nature to me to emulate my sisters, my friends.

She read my mind. "They've made you appear to be a girl, on the outside. You don't have to use the glue anymore." Mom seemed thrilled about that. "We have to wait until you're eighteen before they can complete your reassignment."

"Reassignment?" I knew what she meant. She misinterpreted my questioning look.

Mom smiled. "To finish. To make you a complete woman." She explained.

"Can they do that?" I asked, more shocked than surprised. The idea was not beyond my comprehension.

I had a birthday party. The white cake said 'Happy Birthday Denise'. Amanda gave me the most beautiful pair of earrings.

Cathy bought me new underwear. The delicate bra and panties were much prettier than anything I'd ever worn. My old bra was too small for me now anyway. I couldn't wait till I could show them off to my friends in school. I felt so good about them I told myself I'd go out and buy more pretty lingerie.

Cathy also bought me a new pair of leggings and top to match. They were a flowered print on a white background. They were pretty too.

Mom's present was next. "You'll need to wait a few days before you can wear them." She said. I tore off the paper. I held up the jeans. I had two pairs already but they were very lose fitting. I only could wear them around the house. These were more grown up, like the kind Janet and her older friends wore.

"I hope you like them." Mom said smiling.

I got up and hugged her. "I love them Mom. Thanks."

Janet had saved her present for last. I was excited about the jeans and tore into the last box with gusto. What I pulled out from under the tissue paper was a shock. Janet had bought me a two piece bathing suit. I just held it there in front of me.

"Now you have something to wear to Ginny's pool party next week." Janet said grinning.

I had been invited, along with Amanda, a week ago. I told Mom and Amanda I didn't want to go. They hadn't pressed me then. I didn't feel any differently now. "I can't go." I said to Janet.

"Why not?" Amanda asked.

"I...I would feel funny in a bathing suit."

"There's no reason why you should honey." Mom said. "You should go. You've been cooped up in the house long enough."

"But..." I started to say.

"There'll be no buts about it. You're going to go young lady." Mom said. "Why don't you go and try your new things on and lets see how they look on you."

I knew better than to argue with Mom.

The jeans fit tight.

"They're supposed to fit that way." Cathy said. "They look great on you."

"They feel like they're sprayed on." I told her, smiling.

"Then they're perfect." Janet said grinning.

Janet's jeans all looked sprayed on. She had a great figure.

The new bra was much more comfortable than my training bra. It was lacy and feminine. I liked the way it looked and felt against my skin.

The bathing suit was next. I felt naked in it as I came out of the bathroom to show everyone. I had stopped first to look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I was excited that I didn't have to carry the glue in my purse any more. I wouldn't have to worry that it would give out at the wrong time and give me away. Now I really look just like Amanda.

I filled out the yellow bikini. The bottoms were no more revealing than the panties I wore every day. It dipped in a V in front. My smooth hairless body looked so natural to me now. I looked great.

I wondered what my mother would have thought of her son if she saw me now. Her pretty, feminine son. Dad probably would have been satisfied that I achieved my full potential. He probably would have finally been happy to call me his child. I'm certainly not the disappointment he had to live with for so long.

"You look terrific." Janet said, her eyes wide.

"Wow." Cathy said, as she looked me up and down.

Amanda's reaction surprised me. "I hate you." She said with a sour look on her face.

"Why?" I asked.

"You look better in a bathing suit than I do." She broke into a smile.

If it weren't for the support I got from these girls I could never get through this. "Thanks, I think."

"You look wonderful Denise." Mom said. "You have nothing to be afraid of now. You are going to the party." She insisted with a smile.

I tried on the bathing suit every day since my birthday. I was trying to convince myself that I could wear it without feeling selfconscious. It worked, to an extent.

I was standing on Ginny's patio with Amanda and some of our friends talking. I had the suit on under my yellow nylon shorts and white tank top.

I was the center of attention when Amanda and I arrived. No one had seen me for weeks and I appeared to be a new person to them.

"You look fantastic." Ginny said, looking at me as if for the first time. I never wore anything snug fitting. I was wearing one of Janet's tank tops that she insisted I wear.

It was kind of nice to get the attention from the girls. It wasn't the girls I was worried about though. There were guys coming too. I was glad they weren't there yet.

A few of the girls were laying around the pool already. I knew that they wanted to be as alluring as possible when the guys arrived. Amanda didn't even bother to go inside to get out of her clothes. I was the last to shed mine.

I got complemented on my suit. It was nice, strange, but nice. They had lined up the lounge chairs along the edge of the pool. There were 10 of us. I knew everyone.

The boys would be coming through the house so if I took the last chair I would be the last to be seen or maybe not noticed at all. Nancy got to it before I could. That left only the third one from the back door for me. I spread out my towel and laid down.

The boys didn't make a quiet entrance. If I had been among them I probably wouldn't have either. But I wasn't among them. I never would be again.

Boyfriends went to greet girlfriends. About half my friends had steady guys. That left six or seven of the guys for the rest of my friends. I felt safe in that respect. I was the bookworm. They wouldn't bother with me. Or so I thought.

"Hi Denise." I opened my eyes to see Jimmy standing over me. Jimmy and I had been in history class together. We had spoken a few times, about school work. He was really shy.

Jimmy stood about 5'9". He was a good five inches taller than me. He had a football player's build but he didn't play. Like me, his nose was always in a book. His jet black hair was cut short, but not chopped, like so many of the guys styled theirs. Jimmy wasn't a bad looking guy, as guys go.

"I haven't seen you since school. Where have you been hiding?" Jimmy asked.

If I had to make casual conversation with anyone, I was glad it was with Jimmy. I didn't feel threatened by him. "No, I haven't been feeling too good." I told him. It was the truth.

"Flu?" He asked.

I had to think of something. "No, just a girl thing."

"Ah." Was his response to that, as if he understood.

It was comical.

"Are you ok now?" He asked. "You don't look sick. You look terrific."

It was cute to watch him blush as he said it. It probably took a lot of nerve for him to say that. He looked so uncomfortable.

He wasn't the only one who was uncomfortable. I was laying there, almost naked and he was admiring what he thought was a girl stretched out in front of him. I would have preferred to cover myself up. I decided it would be better to have him sit down and talk to me than to risk one of the other guys coming on to me. I pulled my legs up. "Do you want to sit down?" I asked.

He must have been waiting for the invitation because he readily plopped down on the end of the lounger. "Thanks." He smiled his little smile.

Neither one of us knew what to say to the other at first. We talked about school. It didn't take long before I realized he knew every class I was in. I didn't ask him how he knew. I didn't want to get into something I didn't want to talk about.

He asked me about me. He wanted to know the kinds of things I like to do. I couldn't tell him about the me that used to be Dennis and all the things we probably had in common. I told him I like to read. So did he. He read mostly science fiction. The same sort of thing I like.

There were about six guys horsing around in the pool. They were splashing water on everyone, trying to get them into the water. Ronnie picked up Ginny and tossed her in. That started a malay and two or three of the other girls landed in the pool, including Amanda. I hoped I'd be spared but when I saw Bill Moffit coming toward me I got worried.

Bill had a reputation around school for being a rowdy loud mouth. "Hi Denise. So this is what you look like in a bathing suit. Not bad."

I pulled my knees up to my chest. That didn't help. "Hi Bill.

"She talks." He said smiling. "The guys and I thought you didn't know how."

"Of course I know how. I'm just picky." I said sheepishly.

Bill ignored Jimmy. They weren't exactly friends. Bill was a junior, like Jimmy, but they were as different as apples and oranges. Where Jimmy was quiet and reserved. Bill was brash and crude.

"You look awfully hot Denise." Bill said as he knelt next to the lounger. "You don't mind, do you Jim?"

Jimmy didn't answer Bill. He looked dejected as he looked from Bill to me. I knew what he was feeling. I had been there once or twice. You finally get up the nerve to talk to a girl then some other guy comes along, he's more outgoing, has an easier time socializing with girls and she's gone. Girls always seem to like the guys who aren't shy. I felt bad for Jimmy.

"Let's take a dip." Bill said as he slipped his arms under me. He lifted me like I weighed nothing. One arm under my legs and the other under my back.

"No Bill, don't!" It was too late. He didn't listen. He swung me out over the pool and let go.

I had spent almost a half hour getting my hair just right. Fixing it just so. I had it pulled back and gathered in a banana clip. It was teased on top and my bangs were perfect, all held in place by half a can of hair spray. I was thrilled. It really looked nice. Now it was ruined.

When I came up to the surface Bill was standing on the edge laughing. The dirty look I gave him didn't faze him. I looked around for Jimmy. He was walking around the far end of the pool, heading toward the house.

Almost everyone was in the pool now. I swam over to where Kim and Nancy were holding onto the side.

"They got you too?" Nancy said.

"Bill threw me in." I said as I dipped my head back in to the water to get my hair out of my face. "He's such a jerk."

"Yea, but he's cute." Kim said smiling.

"I saw you talking to Jimmy." Nancy commented. "He really likes you."

I looked at Nancy with a question on my face.

"Everybody knows it." She said.

"I didn't." I watched Jimmy open the back door and walk into the kitchen.

"He's is cute." Kim added, seeing what I was looking at. "He's so shy though." She said to both Kim and I.

"I know." Becky tried for the longest time to get his attention but he just ignored her. She even called him a few times but nothing came of it." Nancy added.

"Do you and him have something going?" Kim asked.

Something going, I laughed to myself. "No, we're just friends."

"Sure." Nancy said sarcastically.

"Really!" I professed.

Ginny had a volleyball net set up in the back yard. We all played. My tits bounced and jiggled and it felt very strange. I felt very selfconscious but I was no different than any of the other girls. They were just used to it.

Jimmy was on the other team. He didn't look at me much, at least not when I was looking at him. He drifted away when we got tired of playing.

Ginny's Dad cooked chicken on the grill. Her Mom put out salads and chips on the tables they had set up on the patio. I cut into line behind Jimmy.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Jimmy turned around, surprised to see me standing there. "Nothing." He answered casually. He reached for the serving spoon to put some potato salad on his plate.

"Can I have some too." I asked. I knew what I was doing. I was playing a game that girls so often play. I wasn't comfortable playing it but I didn't know how else to approach him. I couldn't be open with him like Dennis would have been and treat him like a buddy.

He broke down and smiled. "Sure."

"Thanks." I said as he placed a small spoonful on my plate.

"What happened to Bill?" He asked. He had that dejected look on his face again.

"That jerk. I don't know." I grinned at Jimmy.

"I thought...." The painful look was gone, a look of delight took its place.

"Want to sit with me?" I asked. That would keep anyone else from trying to. Bill had tried to get friendly again while we played volleyball. Besides, I honestly enjoyed talking to Jimmy.

"I'd like that." Jimmy said smiling. "Here, I'll carry that for you." He reached out for my plate.

I let him take it. It was comical of course. A guy carrying my plate for me. "Thanks."

We moved all the way to the end of the long table. Jimmy took the last chair. I sat next to him. When he put our plates down he asked, "What would you like to drink?"

I had completely forgotten to grab a soda. If Jimmy wanted to get one for me, that was alright. He was well mannered. "A diet coke would be great." I told him.

"Be right back." He hurried off.

Jimmy hadn't been gone a second when Bill appeared and asked, "Is anyone sitting here?" He started to take Jimmy's seat.

It annoyed me. "Yes there is. Jimmy's sitting there."

"Oh, Jim won't mind." Bill said smiling as he dropped into the chair.

I had had enough of Bill. "But I do!" I was not sweet or polite.

"Ok, ok." Bill stood and walked away in a huff.

"What was that all about?" Jimmy asked as he returned. He watched Bill take a seat at the far end of the table.

"He wanted your chair. I told him it was occupied." I was still annoyed. I looked up at Jimmy and saw just the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth.

"You did?" He asked.

"Yes. I've had enough of him." I knew how that probably made Jimmy feel but I didn't care. I was doing what I'd seen my friends do a hundred times, boosting their boyfriends egos.

We talked while we ate. I was so involved with coming up with plausible stories to tell Jimmy about my nonexistent past as Denise, that it took me a while to realize that I was dominating the conversation. I took a different tact.

"So tell me about you. As big and well built as you are, why aren't you into sports?" My question opened a floodgate. Jimmy was more interested in academics than sports. He knew exactly what he wanted to do in life. He was going to be a aeronautical engineer. He knew to achieve his goal he needed to study hard.

I admired his desire. My Dad would have gone insane if Jimmy had been his son instead of me. Jimmy was a lot like I used to be. We had a lot in common. At least we used to.

We were still talking when everyone else was finished and left the table. Neither of us noticed.

It wasn't until Ginny's mom started clearing off the table that we realized we were alone. "They're all in the rec room, watching a movie." She told us.

The first signs of sunset were appearing in the sky. The clouds were taking on hints of pink and orange. Jimmy held the door for me. That was sweet.

He joined the others while I sought out a bathroom to change and try to fix my hair.

All the chairs were occupied when I returned. Jimmy was sitting with the guys. I expected that and didn't mind at all. If I had sat with him everyone would have gotten the idea I was interested in him. I knew by now the way my friends thought. I found a spot on the floor between Jennie and Brandy.

The party started breaking up around nine. Mom showed up around nine fifteen. Mike and Amanda were making out in the living room when I went to find her. Jimmy was with me and we were both a little embarrassed to find them kissing.

Jimmy walked me to the door and said goodnight. He didn't try anything. I was sure he wouldn't. I looked back to the house as I climbed in the front seat between Mom and Amanda. Jimmy was at the door. He waved. I waved back.

"Who's that?" Mom asked.

I didn't answer right away. I was embarrassed.

"That's Jimmy Farmer." Amanda announced. "Denise's new boyfriend." Amanda had a big grin on her face.

Mom turned and looked at the two of us. She looked shocked but all she said was "He's cute."

"He's not my boyfriend. We're just friends." I replied quickly. I shot a dirty look at Amanda but she just smiled back at me.

I waited until we were alone, in our room. "Why'd you tell Mom that?" I asked annoyed.

"What's wrong with having Jimmy for a boyfriend. There's lots of girls in school who would be thrilled to have him."

"Well not me." I insisted. "We're just friends."

Then Amanda made a point. "You know Denise, if you don't have a guy when you go back to school then all the other guys are going to hit on you."

"I'll just do what I did last year. Let them think I'm a bookworm." That had been safe enough.

"It won't work. Not after today."

"Why not?"

"First off, you're not the flat chested little bookworm they used to know. Second, everyone saw you and Jimmy together. You know how Ginny and Bridget are. They'll have everybody believing you two were making out outside. By the way, what were you doing out there for so long?"

"Talking, just talking!" I insisted.

"Alright, I believe you." Amanda laughed. "But it won't matter what I believe. Word's gonna get around."

She was right. I knew it but what could I do about it. Nothing.

Later that night, as I lay in bed, I came to a decision. It was better to have someone like Jimmy as a boyfriend than to be prey to all those guys who were always hitting on girls. I was pretty sure that Jimmy wouldn't get pushy and ask me to kiss him or anything. I couldn't do that. I'd tell him, I'd tell him I wasn't into that. I just liked him as a friend and that's it. Yes, that would work. I was sure it would.

The mall was really packed. That's not unusual for a Saturday. I couldn't believe we were meeting Mike and Jimmy and going to the movies. If Mom knew she'd kill us.

They were waiting for us at the food court. Just like we'd arranged. I was wearing my new jeans. Thank God they were made of stretch material. I had been so sure I was going to split them. I wore my new blouse. The print one with the puffed sleeves. I had on one of my new pairs of earrings too. The big two inch hoops. Amanda made me wear perfume but I refused to wear the perfume that I wore to church every week. That was too heavy. I wore my Charlie.

I didn't do anything special with my hair. I just put my pink bow in back. I wore bows a lot and it looked nice with the blouse.

Mike and Amanda missed most of the movie. Jimmy and I saw it all. He didn't even try to hold my hand. Afterward we walked the mall from one end to the other. Amanda and I window shopped. It's what guys expected girls to do anyway. Besides, we did see a lot of really neat clothes.

We were almost back to the food court after covering both levels of the mall. I pulled my hand in front of me when I felt something touch it. I looked down and Jimmy's hand was there. I looked up at him and he looked embarrassed. I thought for a second and smiled. I put my hand back to my side and slipped it into his. "You just startled me." I explained.

"Oh" Was all he said. Neither of us wanted to make a big deal of it.

The only reason I took it, I told myself, was that there's been a lot of kids we knew at the food court by this time of afternoon and if the saw us holding hands that would cement the idea in their minds that we were an item. That would make me feel safer.

It also apparently made Jimmy feel something too because the next time I looked up he had this silly grin on his face. He really was a good looking guy.

I saw a lot of Jimmy over the next few weeks. I made sure we were never alone. Most of the time we met at the mall. There was always a bunch of our friends around. My confidence grew since he was always too shy to do anything. Not that I would have let him. The worst we did was hold hands.

Jimmy started by calling me every couple of days. It didn't take long before we talked every day.

I met Jimmy's Mom and Dad. They were both really nice and were delighted that their shy son had finally found a nice girl. They went out of their way to be nice to me when I stayed and had dinner at his house.

I felt guilty deceiving them. His Mother was really nice but she talked a blue streak. She trapped me in their kitchen and went into a long dissertation about cooking. I was relieved when Jimmy came back and saved me.

Ever since that party at Ginny's house I've been getting out more. Sometimes with Cathy but I hang around with Amanda most of the time. I went shopping with Janet once. We did most of our shopping in the store where she works. I pick out my own clothes now.

I spend a lot of time over at Nancy's. I really like her mom. We get along great. She reminds me a lot of my real mother. She's real young looking and a lot of fun.

It's gotten easier for me. I've sort of adapted to my new life as Denise. I've been doing better, adopting the attitudes of my girlfriends. A lot of it comes naturally now. I still have a little problem trying to act as giddy and foolish as they do sometimes but they don't seem to notice.

We played football Wednesday afternoon. It was the guys against the girls. Everyone was surprised when I kicked the ball. They were amazed that a girl could kick as good as I did.

It was supposed to be touch football but it wasn't. Jerry Ballard tackled me once and he grabbed my tit when we were on the ground. It really bothered me that he did that. Jimmy and Jerry almost got into a fight. I got tackled lots of times but none of the other guys were as free with their hands.

Things at home are great. When Dad and Mom were alive I often wished I had brothers and sisters. Even though I have to pretend to be a girl, I really enjoy being around Janet, Cathy and Amanda. Mom doesn't treat me any different than any of the others. I still remember what it was like when I first got here and hated it. Now I wouldn't want to leave.

Jimmy wanted to drive me to school and back but I told him my Mom didn't want me driving with guys yet. I really didn't even ask her. Amanda and I went with Janet. He waits for me to get to school and he walks me to all my classes. I'm worried that he's getting a little too serous about me. At least he's still too shy to try anything.

We didn't have to dress out in PE today. We had to take a sex education class. It was strange to sit through that with the girls. The teacher couldn't teach them anything they didn't already know. I learned a lot though.

I've been 'one of the girls' for a long time now but I've never seen them act so raunchy as today. Brenda and her gang of sluts were harassing everybody, cursing and making trouble. I stayed away.

For the most part I enjoy PE now. Some of the things the girls do scare me. Monday, we had a towel fight. Wednesday, Pam Day had a radio and she cranked it up and started dancing on the benches, naked, except for her panties. A few of the others joined her. I was amazed. I couldn't do that even though Nancy tried to get me to. I couldn't imagine.

We play volleyball a lot. I'm getting pretty good.

The showers are still the worst. I know no one can tell, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still see through guy's eyes.

There is one thing I have to admit. I do look as good, if not better, than most. In a strange way I'm kind of proud of myself.

I broke up with Jimmy the week before Thanksgiving. It had been getting harder and harder to hold him back. Friday night, at Carvel, he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"What's the matter with you?" He asked in exasperation.

"Nothing." I told him. At least he let me lead him outside before we started arguing.

"All I wanted to do was kiss you."

I was struggling to retain control. "But you know how I feel about kissing."

"Yeah, I know and it's driving me crazy Denise. We've been going out for what? Six months now and we can't even make out. It's not like I'm asking you to go to bed with me or anything."

I understood he was frustrated but I just couldn't. Just the thought of kissing another guy gave me the shivers. "I know Jimmy. I'm sorry, it's just...."

He had enough apparently. "Just forget it Denise. I can't go on like this."

I felt bad for him but there wasn't anything I could do. "Can't we just be friends?"

He got angry again. "That's all we have been. I really like you Denise and I want to be more than just friends. I want a real girlfriend. I want you."

I felt terrible. "I'm sorry Jim...."

He didn't even let me finish. "That's all I ever hear Denise. It's no good anymore. I'm calling it quits." Jimmy just turned and walked away.

I felt like dirt. My girlfriends were no help, telling me I should have just kissed him. I had heard enough stories about guys that only wanted to go out with my friends to see how far they could go. I was reminded how lucky I was to have had a guy that respected me.

I tried to imagine myself kissing Jimmy. I couldn't.

Guys started hitting on me as soon as I got to school this morning. It's unbelievable.

I saw Jimmy in the hall and all I could think of, all I had thought about all weekend, was what it would be like to kiss him. I turned away quickly when he looked in my direction.

I'm going to have to pretend to bury my nose in the books again. I can't handle these guys.

Jimmy's started seeing Arlene Lambert. I saw them walking down the hall today. They were holding hands.

It's strange, not to have Jimmy to talk to any more. I miss the easy conversations we used to have. Seeing him holding Arlene's hand really bothered me. I know it shouldn't, but it did.

Mom invited the Tate's for Thanksgiving dinner. Mr Tate and Joey watched football all day. Janet had dinner with Mike's folks and Cathy was at Brian's house. Amanda and I helped Mom and Mrs Tate cook. I wouldn't have minded watching the games and I did sneak away to the rec room a couple of times but it wasn't the same. Not like it used to be.

I found out from Jennie that Jimmy had Thanksgiving dinner at Arlene's.

Most of the guys leave me alone now. Art Norton is still pretty persistent though. He wants me to go to the Christmas dance with him. Amanda and the others say I should go. I don't know. He is a good looking guy. He's tall, handsome, well built, auburn hair, and with a nice smile but I don't know. I'm just afraid that all he wants is to fool around. I heard stories about him from some of my girlfriends.

I caught Jimmy looking at me in math class today. He had a sad look on his face. I almost said something to him but changed my mind. I wondered what he was thinking. Rumor mill has it that he and Arlene are quite a thing. Jennie says that Arlene claims to have gone to bed with him. I doubt it. At least I hope it's not true.

I was right about Art. He couldn't even wait till we got to the dance.

"You look beautiful." He told me as I walked down the stairs to the living room.

I had been really nervous. I smiled at him shyly, "Thanks" Amanda and I had spent a week looking for just the right dress.

Art was real polite in the house, around Mom. He had bought me a corsage. Mom helped me pin it on. He even opened the car door for me and put me in.

We had no more than pulled out of the driveway and he had his hand on my leg. I nearly jumped through the roof.

"Don't do that Art." I told him.

"Sorry Babe." He said as he pulled his hand back.

I couldn't believe he called me 'babe'. Neither of us said another word until we got to the school. He climbed out of the car and waited for me to get out. I realize it was silly for me to expect him to come around and open my door but why not? As far as he knew I was a girl and weren't guys supposed to do that for us? Apparently Art didn't think so.

I didn't care much for sitting with his friends. They were pretty childish and rude. Their girlfriends and I didn't have a lot in common either. None of them were from my crowd.

When Art pulled the bottle of whisky out of his coat pocket I was stunned. He took a pull off it and passed it around the table. Grace tried to hand it to me. "No thanks."

Everyone at the table looked at me funny like, 'What's wrong with you'. I ignored them. I was afraid to drink, afraid that I might lose control and say or do something I might regret.

Art was a pretty good looking guy and I knew that there were a number of girls that would have loved to go out with him but I was not one of them. I only agreed to this date under pressure from my friends and my sisters.

Art didn't dance fast but he did slow dance. I knew what he was doing when he constantly had to have his hands on me; around my waist, on my shoulders or just holding hands. He was showing off. It's just something guys feel they need to do but I didn't want the attention.

It was when we were out on the dance floor that I spotted Jimmy and Arlene walk in. Art turned me as we danced. The next time around I saw them sitting down with Nancy, Larry, Linda and Craig.

Jimmy looked handsome in his suit. Arlene took terrific in her gown. I could understand why Jimmy was so attracted to her. She was beautiful. I should have listened to Cathy and Amanda when they tried to talk me into getting the red gown with the fine spaghetti straps but I was too selfconscious at the time. Mom agreed with me that the print dress was more appropriate.

I just wished Jimmy knew what kind of girl Arlene really was, the way she said things about them. Jimmy deserved better than her.

I had to go back to our table after the song. I glanced over at their table and saw them all laughing and having a good time. I wished I could be with them instead of Art and his friends. But I was Art's date tonight. Too bad.

It would have been too awkward anyway. I would have felt so weird, with Arlene there, sitting with Jimmy. I noticed he'd done something different with his hair. I couldn't get over how handsome he looked.

I thought the dance would never end. The night seemed to drag out. Art kept drinking all night. He and his buddies were drinking a little too much.

Art didn't seem to hear me when I asked him for a glass of punch. I decided to get up and get my own, leaving him there.

I watched Jimmy as I walked over to the serving table. Arlene was all over him. God! I hated her at that moment.

I had gotten my punch and was slowly heading back to my table. I stopped to say hello to Ginny on the way. It was as we were talking that I felt the tap on my shoulder.

"Hi Denise."

I was surprised when I turned and Jimmy was standing right behind me. I suppose my smile betrayed how happy I was that he came over to say hello. "Hi."

"You look fantastic tonight." Jimmy said smiling.

"Thanks," His remark thrilled me. "You look really great too." I was sorry as soon as I said it. I had no right.

"Thanks. You want to dance?" He asked.

I instinctively looked over to see if Arlene was watching. She wasn't at his table. She was nowhere in sight.

I really did want to talk to Jimmy. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for the way I'd been acting toward him. I wanted to tell him I missed him and the friendship we'd shared. I said none of those things as he held me in his arms and guided me around the dance floor. It felt nice to have him hold me. Unlike Art, I felt comfortable with Jimmy's arms around me.

"I miss you." Jimmy whispered in my ear as we danced.

I looked up into his face and admitted, "I miss you too." I didn't pull away when he kissed me on the forehead. I rested my head on his chest as we to danced. It was really nice.

When the music ended Jimmy took me back to where we first spoke, to Ginny's table. "Thank you." I told him smiling.

He grinned, "It was my pleasure." He said warmly.

Jimmy's next words surprised me. "Can I call you?"

"Yes!" I told him. I shouldn't have been so enthusiastic I suppose but I couldn't help it.

He didn't say anything else. He smiled and turned to go back to his table. I looked past him and saw Arlene glaring at me from across the room. I wondered how much she'd seen. Did she see Jimmy kiss me. A part of me hoped she had.

Art definitely did. "What the hell were you doing, dancing with him? You're with me." He was very annoyed.

I didn't know Art all that well. I didn't know if he was drunk or just naturally belligerent. "He's a friend." I insisted. "We just danced." I didn't like the idea that I had to explain my actions but I didn't want to make a scene. I thought he'd just forget it.

"When you're with me you don't fool around with other guys. I saw him kiss you!" Art got to his feet. He looked shaky.

People were starting to stare. "Jimmy just kissed my forehead. It didn't mean anything." I insisted quietly. It did actually mean a lot, to me. It meant that Jimmy still liked me and that made me feel good.

Art was standing over me when he grabbed my arm in rage. "Bullshit! You've still go the hots for him, don't you!?"

The thought was absurd. I didn't have 'the hots' for Jimmy. How could I? He had no right to get so mad. He was hurting my arm. Everyone was watching us now.

Art was definitely drunk. He dragged me to my feet and started to shake me. That's when I saw Jimmy coming up behind him.

"Leave her alone! Denise didn't do anything. I asked her to dance. She didn't come looking for me." Jimmy grabbed Art's arm, trying to make him let me go.

"Bullshit!" Art yelled, turning to face Jimmy. He released me and swung a backhand at Jimmy.

Jimmy back stepped and easily avoided his hand. "Knock it off Art. You're over reacting."

Art didn't like being made a fool of. He did look ridiculous. People were beginning to gather around him and Jimmy.

I was a little worried. Art had a reputation around school as something of a hot head, a bully.

Jimmy, on the other hand, was always so mellow. I had never seen him get upset. While Jimmy looked strong, I had never heard of him getting into a fight.

Art was being put down by Jimmy in front of the whole school. He probably thought he had no choice but uphold his reputation. His next swing at Jimmy wasn't with an open hand.

Jimmy sidestepped his punch, again with apparent ease. I was impressed but I knew that would only infuriate Art all the more.

"That's enough!" Jimmy told him. "You're drunk. Why don't you leave. Go sober up."

Art never walked away from a fight, drunk or not. He lunged at Jimmy.

This time Jimmy couldn't side step him. He did the only thing he could. He grabbed Art's arm, swung him around and sent him sliding across the highly polished gym floor on his stomach.

Art was a mess when he finally got to his feet. His suit was all dirty. He was furious. He tried to brush himself off. He started toward Jimmy again. More cautiously this time.

"I don't want to fight you Art." Jimmy tried to tell him.

"You don't have a choice punk." Art told him.

Art's punch missed Jimmy's face. It hit his shoulder.

Jimmy didn't seem phased by it. I only glanced off him. "That's enough." He informed Art.

Art didn't even seem to see it coming. Jimmy's well placed punch on Art's jaw made him crumble to the floor. "Just stay down." Jimmy warned him.

Art fell, trying to get up. He looked like such a fool. Art stormed out of the gym. He was in no condition to fight anymore. I got the impression that Jimmy could have as easily done the same to him, even if Art had been sober. This guy that was my friend had always been so quiet and reserved. He showed everyone another side of him. I was really impressed. He would be much more respected from now on.

I felt a strange rush. What Jimmy had done, he'd done for me. "Thank you." I said with a sincere smile. It was all I could think to say. If I'd really been a girl I probably would have rushed over and hugged him or something.

Jimmy showed me that smile I had come to appreciate so often in the past. He was still the shy, modest person he'd always been. The strong silent type, I thought to myself.

I also admired how great he looked to me at that moment. I almost forgot my self. I took a step toward him. I wanted to thank him in a way that would mean something to him. I could forget for a moment, who I was, I told myself. I could kiss him.

Arlene hurried to his side. "You were wonderful." She said, hugging him. Then she stood on her toes and kissed him on the lips. She gave me a cold look as she hugged him. He glare said, 'Hands Off, he's mine'.

She took Jimmy by surprise, he'd been staring at me.

I suddenly wanted to belt Arlene. She had no right to do what she did. Not in front of me! She showed everyone that Jimmy was hers, even after what he'd just done for me. I was so angry.

My friends helped. In the girls' room, they consoled me. I spent the rest of the evening with them.

I got a ride home with Nancy and Larry. Everyone was going out afterwards but I wasn't in the mood.

Mom was very sympathetic when I told her what had happened. She consoled me. She talked to me like I was just another of her daughters, like I was never Dennis. She acts as if that boy never existed. I suppose I'm better off that way. It doesn't happen often but I still get melancholy sometimes, about who I used to be. My life's been pretty good since my transition. I really can't complain anymore.

I was surprised to see Jimmy on my doorstep the next afternoon. He saw the bruise on my arm from where Art had grabbed me. "Are you ok?" He was genuinely concerned.

"I'm ok, it's just a bruise." I didn't know what to say. "Do you want to come in?"

"Would it be ok?" He asked, hesitating.

Jimmy was so shy, so polite, so sweet. "Sure." I said with a big smile. "Would you like something to drink?"

He sat on a stool in the kitchen while I poured him a coke. Mom and the others were out. I was the only one home. I was glad.

I had to tell him again how much I appreciated what he'd done and how impressed I was at how he handled himself. He blushed. I thought that was cute of him to do.

We talked for a long time. I asked him what he'd been doing since we broke up. I told him everything I'd been up to. Jimmy knew that I wasn't seeing anyone. Arlene's name never came up once. I appreciated that.

When he finally had to leave I walked him to the front door. He turned to me as if to say something and then stopped.

I don't know what made me do it. Impulse, I guess. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek. It just felt like I should.

Jimmy looked both shocked and pleased. "I miss you." He said with a serious look on his face.

"I miss you too. I'm sorry I'm so difficult to get along with sometimes. I really want to be friends."

He smiled down at me. "It's not you, it's me. You're wonderful. I shouldn't have pressured you."

Jimmy never said anything like that to me before. It made me fell funny inside. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

My inhibitions were gone. I reached up and put my arms around his neck before he knew what I was doing.

The biggest grin showed on his face. He leaned over and pressed his lips on mine.

What had I been so afraid of? I closed my eyes and kissed him back. Jimmy wrapped his arms around me and held me close. Being held that way sent a pleasant, warm tingling feeling through me. In that instant I understood what my girlfriends felt when they kissed someone they cared about. We talked about moments like this so often. It was hard to believe I was experiencing it myself.

When our lips finally parted I looked up at him with a smile. "I really miss you."

He looked so happy as he went down the walk, looking back at me as I waved.

Jimmy didn't wait till Monday, at school, to break up with Arlene. I found out later that he went straight to her house from mine.

He was parked out in front of my house Monday morning. Ready to take me to school. I was really happy to see him out there.

Mom saw him waiting out there but she didn't object to my riding with him. She was really sweet about it. Maybe she felt sorry for me? For what I'd been going through lately.

Arlene hated me.

The whole school seemed to know what had happened at the dance.

Jimmy achieved new status but he remained modest, playing down what had happened.

Just like he used to do, he met me after each class and walked me to my next. I was proud and happy to hold his hand, to walk with his arm around me.

I saw Art in the halls but he kept a low profile. He didn't acknowledge me. He avoided Jimmy.

Jimmy made some enemies but that didn't seem to matter to him. He found he'd made a lot of new friends. There were a lot of kids that didn't like Art.

Jimmy started coming over to my house to study several nights a week. We became closer then ever.

 

I wasn't as self conscious about showing him affection. In school, or around our friends, a brief kiss or a hug was alright. When we were alone it was different.

Ours was a strange relationship. To Jimmy, I suppose, it was normal. To me, it was awkward at times. He was a friend, a buddy. No, I guess he was more than that. We got along great. Jimmy had a great sense of humor and he loved to horse around and tease me. That was fine with me. I enjoyed it.

The awkward part was when he wanted to be lovey dovey, you know, affectionate. I still had reservations about long passionate kisses. Having his arm around me, when we were at school or out somewhere, that was alright. It was when he got serious, looking at me the way he did sometimes, touching me so tenderly. Those were the times that made me feel funny. It's hard to describe just what I felt. I knew it was those times that made a relationship special, that most girls longed for. I did appreciate that he felt that way about me but it was just awkward to reciprocate, but I tried, for Jimmy's sake.

Jimmy surprised me with a dozen roses and a gold charm for Valentine's Day. I felt guilty, having only gotten him a card.

It really stinks, having to baby sit almost every Friday night. I don't get to go anywhere. All my friends are going out and having fun while I get stuck at the Walsh's.

It's not that I don't like Jennifer and Laura. They're really great little girls and they listen to me really well. I think they see me as a role model and I think that's kind of funny, in an ironic sort of way.

Everybody else has a regular job. Amanda, Nancy and Jennie all have nights off. I decided I better start looking if I'm going to get a car this summer, when I get my license. Mom said she'd help me but I have to pay my own insurance and gas.

Jimmy says he likes me as a blond and I believe him, considering the way he looks at me with that adoring look on his face. Linda got her hair done and it looked so great. So I decided to get mine done too. Everybody says I look fantastic.

School goes pretty well. Arlene and her friends don't harass me any more about Jimmy.

My grades are good and as long as I keep them up Mom pretty much lets me do whatever I want.

Back a few years ago, when I first started to live life as Denise, I never imagined that I would be so happy. I have a family that I wouldn't trade for anything and more real friends than I ever imagined I'd ever have. And then there's Jimmy.

I couldn't believe it. The last weekend before school let out for the summer Nancy convinced her Mom to let her go to Florida for the weekend. Linda convinced her Mom that she should be allowed to go since Nancy could. They hounded me for a week to ask Mom for permission to go but I knew she'd never let me. At least I thought she wouldn't.

I had never gone away anywhere on my own, ever. In the past few years, if I wanted to spend the night with a girlfriend, Mom called her mother to make sure we'd be supervised. She was overly protective most of the time. That's why I was so surprised she let me go.

We arrived and checked into our room. It was both exciting and a little scary at the same time. Mom found us a room right on the beach at the Holiday Inn Surfside, in Clearwater.

Nancy and Linda are so brazen. They went right up to these guys on the beach Friday night, our first night there, and asked them if they knew where any parties were. They were college kids, older than us, but that didn't seem to bother them.

I kind of hung back. I'm always nervous around guys I don't know. My friends figure I'm just shy. They don't know.

There was a party. The way those guys described it to us it was supposed to be great. Problem was it wasn't till the following night, Saturday. We agreed to meet the guys right in front of the hotel at eight the next night and they took off. Lin and Nancy were real excited about it but not me.

We hung around the beach, had fast food for dinner and just kind of got to know the place. There were a dozen bars on the beach but you had to be twenty one. Nancy tried to talk our way into one but it didn't work.

A bunch of kids were playing volleyball on the beach, next to our hotel. They asked us if we wanted to play so we did.

All in all, our first night in Florida wasn't too exciting.

We were in Florida. We came for two things, to go crazy for a few days and to get killer tans. Lin woke Nancy and I up at nine, anxious to get out on the beach. I was dead. We'd stayed up till three that morning, talking, laughing and having a good time. I wanted to sleep.

"You can sleep on the beach. Come on!" Lin insisted. She had her suit on and was ready to go.

It took Nancy and I almost an hour to get ready. We weren't about to go out on the beach until we were ready. I never went out until my hair was just so and I looked the way I wanted to. I had learned a lot over the years and looking my best wasn't the least of what I'd learned.

I put on the new bathing suit I'd bought at the mall last week and the coverup I spent forever finding. I remembered the argument we had at the mall, when we were shopping for bathing suits. Unknown to her mother, Nancy bought herself a t back. Her mother would have died if she knew. She tried to talk Lin and I into buying one too but we both refused. I'd come a long way but not that far. Lin just thought they were too much, to reveling. The two piece I bought was reveling enough. It was skimpier than any of my other suits. I had to admit though, I looked pretty good in it. I decided it was wiser not to show mine to my Mom either.

Finally ready, we took the elevator down to the lobby and walked through the main concourse to the door that led out to the beach. We were sort of surprised at how crowded it was. There were people everywhere.

Nancy wasn't the only girl on the beach in a t back. They were everywhere. I wondered to myself if I'd been wrong. Maybe I should have bought the one Nancy got me to try on in the store.

We found a spot, just a few feet from the water, spread out our towels and stretched out.

Mom warned me that the Florida sun was hot but I had no idea. I was glad I brought plenty of sunscreen.

We laid out and watched the comings and goings of people walking the beach. I was amazed to see guys in t backs and we got a big laugh out of making fun of the guys as they walked by. We weren't so obvious that they heard us, of course.

I normally had no reservations about untying my top when we rolled over on our stomachs. I'd done it a hundred times before. Here, in unfamiliar surroundings, it did make me a little uncomfortable but I overcame my fear. I knew enough to be careful.

By one o'clock we just had to get out of the sun. We knew we'd be cooked if we stayed on the beach any longer. We went up stairs and showered, got dressed and took the car to go find some lunch.

Nancy's Mom, after a lot of pleading, agreed to rent a convertible for us. It was great, driving along the beach road with the top down and our hair blowing in the breeze. Lots of guys honked at us and a few guys followed us, trying to get us to pull over.

Nancy was very picky, she didn't pull over for just anyone. Only the cute ones. I wasn't the flirt my friends were. I had a hard time making small talk with them.

By three, we turned back for home. We wanted to get some more sun before we had to give it up for the day and get cleaned up for dinner and then meet the guys from Friday night.

The sun wasn't nearly as bad in the late afternoon. Around five the crowds started to thin and we went up to our room, showered again and got ready for dinner.

I put on my new jumper. Another purchase I made just for the trip. I was happy with how I looked.

The hotel restaurant was too fancy for the way we were dressed. There was a little seafood place down the beach that someone we met that afternoon recommended. We gave that a try.

We were back at the hotel at seven thirty. Upstairs, I checked my face and hair. I freshened my perfume. I was as ready as I was going to be.

As we waited for the guys to show up I suggested for the third time, "We should drive ourselves."

"No," Nancy insisted, We'll be fine."

I conceded.

They took us to a house near their campus. The place was packed with kids. I was real nervous about going inside but Nancy and Linda insisted we'd be alright.

It wasn't like I never had a drink before. My friends and I had gotten hold of liquor before, lots of times. I was always real careful not to drink too much. I had more to loose that any of my friends, much more than they knew.

One of the things that always terrified me was what if I got into an accident and had to go to the hospital. The doctors would discover my secret and then the whole world would find out. I'd just die.

They offered us beer and Nancy and Linda each took a can. I said no. The wine was a different story. I could handle wine as long as I just sipped it. I never got drunk on wine.

We found out it was a fraternity house and this was their big year end party. They were dancing in the living room. The guys in the kitchen were playing some kind of drinking game. In the dining room, guys and girls were playing strip poker. Lin and I didn't want any part of it but Nancy want to hang around for a few minutes and watch. Lin and I decided it was safer in the living room.

It wasn't long before we were dancing with a few of the guys. I was actually having a pretty good time. This guys, Mike, he was a pretty good dancer and he had some good moves. I didn't have any trouble keeping up with him. I had learned some pretty hot moves myself in the past few years. I had to laugh to myself when I remembered back to when I first learned how to dance, how awkward I felt. Not any more.

I let Mike get we another glass of wine when we finally took a break. I looked around for Lin but she had disappeared with the guy she'd been dancing with.

The house was pretty warm inside with so many bodies mulling around inside. Dancing always made me hot anyway. As I think back now, I should have taken it easier with the wine but it was cold and it tasted so good.

Mike was a sophomore, almost twenty, and I suppose I should have been flattered that he was interested in me but I didn't really give that a thought. He was a fairly good looking guy, not as handsome as Jimmy but not bad. He was pretty interesting to talk to. I was particularly interested in learning about all the places he'd lived. He was an army brat and he had some great stories.

I don't know how long we talked. I know he refilled my wine twice as we sat their on the stairs talking. Couples walked up the stairs past us. Some stumbled over us, obviously drunk we finally decided it was time to move.

It wasn't till I finally tried to get up that I realized that I drank as much as I had. I was light headed.

I looked around for Nancy or Linda as Mike led me toward the rec room in the back of the house. They were no where in sight. There was a pool table in the big smokey room and a game was in progress. Mike pointed me toward a seat just vacated and he sat down next to me on the couch. I was a little uncomfortable as his arm rested across my shoulders but I didn't say anything. We watched the two guys play several games of pool and talked some more.

As we sat there I was nervously aware of Mike's arm, draped over my shoulder. His hand

occasionally brushed my breast. It could have been innocent, it didn't dwell there. I suppose if I hadn't had as much to drink as I did I would have been really nervous. As it was I felt a little flattered that this stranger, a really cute older guy thought I was pretty. It was kind of nice.

I jumped a little when he placed his other hand on my leg. I was surprised at his touch, not frightened. I did feel a little vulnerable but that was overshadowed my the excitement I felt at that moment. I pretended not to notice his touch, even when he started to stroke my leg.

I tried to ignore it but it was difficult. I felt flushed. I had goose bumps. I summoned the courage to put my hand on his leg. I didn't stroke it like he did. I just rested it there. I turned and looked at him. He was staring at me, smiling. Then, before I knew it we were kissing. Not a peck, not our lips just brushing against one another. We were locked in a passionate kiss, our arms around each other.

He must have done it to me first. I certainly wouldn't stick my tongue in a guys mouth first. Somehow, we were french kissing and I was enjoying it.

For all I cared, we were alone in that room. The noise from the others in the background faded away. Jimmy never made me feel the way Mike did. He never kissed me that way. In all fairness, I never let him. I wondered later if he could kiss like Mike?

I lost track of time until much later. I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Lin. "Come on Denise. We've gotta go. The guys are leaving."

"I can take you back to the hotel." Mike offered.

I looked at him for a second then looked up at Lin. "I'll be home in a little while." I told her.

"You sure?" She asked.

I knew she was worried about me but I wasn't anxious for my moment to end. I wasn't ready to leave Mike just yet. I was experiencing something I never had and I wanted to relish it a while longer. "I'm fine. Really!"

Lin was hesitant to leave me there, in that house, but she didn't argue. "Don't be too long."

"I won't." I assured her. "I'll be home soon."

When she was gone, Mike and I fell into another embrace. He smelled so good and his breath was sweet.

"You want to get out of here and maybe get something to eat?" He asked.

"Sure." I said with a smile. I grabbed my purse and excused myself for a moment. I needed to go to the bathroom and I wanted to check my makeup. Mike waited for me at the door.

He may have been an army brat but his family apparently had money. When he told me earlier that his parents just bought him a new car I expected some kind of late model used car. This was not the case. He opened the door of his brand new eclipse for me and put me in.

Any fears I had about being alone with Mike were pretty well put to rest. He was a gentleman and I was sure I was safe with him.

He started back toward the beach. As he drove out over the bridge to the beach I thought he was taking me to the hotel. Instead he stopped about a block away at a little diner.

The waitress seated us in the back, in a quiet little booth. Mike slid in next to me and that was fine. In that dark corner we could make out with out being obvious. We did just that.

I had milk and apple pie. Mike had chocolate cake and coffee. He fed me some of his cake, I fed him part of my pie. We laughed, we kissed. It was great.

I looked at my watch finally. It was almost two. "I better go. My friends are going to be worried." It wasn't that I wanted to.

He made a pout. "You have to?" He asked like a little boy. It was cute.

I laughed and kissed him again. "Afraid so."

Reluctantly, he paid the check. Back in his car he asked, "Would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night?"

He surprised me. Yes, I did. "I'd like that." I told him with a smile.

"Great!" He looked thrilled. "I'll call you tomorrow and let you know when I'll be by to pick you up."

I gave him my room number. At the hotel, before we got out of the car we lost ourselves in each others' arms one last time.

As I walked through the door of the lobby, looking back waving to Mike as he pulled away, I thought to myself, what a strange and wonderful feeling I'd experienced. I couldn't wait till I saw him on Sunday.

Lin and Nancy were up waiting for me. They were worried about me and gave me hell for making them worry. "I hope he was worth it." Nancy remarked.

Lin was a little more understanding. "He certainly was cute."

"He was terrific." I said in a dreamy voice. I proceed to tell my friends about my evening as I got ready for bed. I didn't leave out a thing.

I had a terrible hangover the next morning. With it came regrets. Well, it wasn't regret exactly. I was embarrassed about what I'd done the night before. I couldn't imagine what made me do things I'd never even dreamt of doing with Jimmy. I couldn't believe how I acted.

It was the wine, I told myself. Still, the memories of how Mike made me feel, how I still felt, were wonderful.

We stretched out in beach chair all morning, careful to put on plenty of sun block. We were all a little red from the day before and the last thing we wanted was to go home and peel.

Around noon I finally started to feel like myself again. The call came from Mike as we took a break from the sun, in our room. I'd been debating all morning about whether I should go out with him and decided I probably shouldn't. When he called and I heard his voice on the phone my resolve was lost. I agreed to let him pick me up around four. He wanted to spend some time together before we went to dinner.

I had wrestled with myself all day about whether I should go or not. Aside from the obvious reason not to, there was Jimmy. I was about to cheat on him and I felt guilty about that. Still, I was far from home, he'd never know. Wasn't this my chance to discover what it was like to be with a guy without having to fear discovery? I could be the girl that I pretended to be. Drop any and all inhibitions. I'd never see him again. Why shouldn't I take advantage of the situation?

Nancy thought I was crazy. Lin was delighted for me. They both promised never to say a word of it to anyone at home. There was no way I wanted Jimmy to learn that I'd gone out on him.

I called the front desk of our hotel and inquired about the restaurant Mike told me he'd made reservations at. The girl told me what proper attire would be. I hadn't brought anything fancy with me. It turned out that my red plaid outfit would be perfectly acceptable. That was a relief.

It took me two hours to get ready for my date. I did my hair several different ways until I was happy with it. I spent half an hour putting on my makeup. I even did my nails, although they didn't really look that bad. The hat that I was so thrilled to find to go with the outfit, looked terrible now. It had to go.

Finally, I stood in front of the mirror, ready, wondering what I was doing? How could I be so excited about going out on a date with this guy? My doubts arose again.

Lin and Nancy were still out on the beach when Mike came to the door. I had raced around at the last minute, picking up the room. Three girls can make quite a mess of a hotel room.

The expression on his face meant more to me than his remark, "You look terrific."

He didn't look bad either. I was afraid that the wine last night might have clouded my vision. I was happy to find it didn't. He looked as handsome as I remembered. He was dressed nicer than last night in his kakki slacks and pastel colored striped shirt.

The night before we had held hands, in the light of day we both seemed hesitant. It was like we were each waiting for the other to make the first move. I was admittedly nervous but had he offered...

He drove us off the beach and through town. Neither of us were very talkative. I was nervous. I was a little surprised when we drove into a park. We left the car and walked. Mike pulled a blanket from his trunk and carried it under his arm. He looked a little uncomfortable and I wondered if I came across the same way. We walked for a while. Mike hadn't exhausted his collection of stories about the places he'd been and the things he'd seen. He was fascinating.

He spread out the blanket on the grass. We sat for a while in a picturesque spot, overlooking a serene lake. It was a beautifully wooded place, very peaceful.

Mike finally decided to quit talking about himself and asked about me. I preferred to let him do the talking but he persisted. I told him a slightly modified version of my life.

Our table overlooked a busy marina. The restaurant was fancier than I'd expected. Mike pulled out my chair for me to sit. It was nice. Jimmy never did that for me.

I was not in the least bit nervous about eating out. Mother had taught me long ago how a lady conducts herself in this situation and I had learned my lessons well.

Mike was well mannered and surprisingly worldly. That, no doubt, had to do with growing up in different cultures. I was proud to be with him.

It was only eight thirty when we left the restaurant, holding hands as we walked out to the car. We'd gotten over the nervousness of earlier. When he opened my door for me to get in I turned to him and kissed him on the cheek. "Dinner was marvelous. Thank you." With a come on smile. He did exactly what I hoped he'd do. I wanted to find out if the kisses I remembered from the night before were just a wine clouded fantasy. They weren't. He was great as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me passionately, right there in the parking lot.

I couldn't help but see the old couple that walked by. The look on the woman's face was so cute as she smile at the sight of us. I wasn't sure if I should be embarrassed by our display of affection, right there in public, but judging by her smile, I decided I didn't.

Mike didn't ask me if I wanted to call it a night. I hoped he wouldn't. He took me to a club. "You don't have to be 21 on Sunday nights. It's teen night." He explained.

He just assumed that I liked to dance after the fun we'd had Saturday night at the party. Normally I wasn't that excited about it but that was fine with me that night, as long as it was with him. I never enjoyed dancing so much. Especially the slow dances. We didn't sit out a one.

When we did take a break we found a secluded booth in a dark corner. I was the one that spotted it. We vacated the table we had taken when we first came in, it was too much in the open.

In our secluded corner we kissed and held each other. The more we kissed the more passionate I felt. For so long I'd listened to my girlfriends tell their stories about how their boyfriends would do things and how wonderful it felt. I never forgot my limitations for a second but that didn't preclude me from wanting some of the experiences they enjoyed. My problem was how to tell Mike he could make the moves on me I longed for without going too far.

We sat very close, his arm around me. With a come on look on my face, I put my hand on his chest and stroked it gently. When he looked over at me I became the aggressive one and kissed him softly. "I'm having a great time tonight Mike. I really like you a lot." I told him.

He was obviously pleased. "I really like you too Denise." It was his turn to kiss me.

We stayed a while longer. We dance some more but we spent a lot of time there in our corner. When he put his hand on my bare leg I didn't say anything, I just smiled at him lovingly.

I was a little nervous about touching his leg but I put my hand on his thigh and rubbed gently. I still had to be careful but I had a plan.

I was waiting for him to suggest we leave and it wasn't long before he got around to it.

Mike's little car wasn't built for necking. Not with that wide console in the middle. The back seat was just as bad. I didn't want to fumble around in it. We couldn't very well go to the hotel. It was after ten and Lin and Nancy were probably back at the room. That wouldn't be a very wise anyway. Mike might get the wrong idea about what I wanted. We had to go someplace private but not so private that he felt free to do what I imagined might be on his mind.

That eliminated his room at the fraternity house too. "Do you suppose that park we went to earlier is still open?" I asked. "That was such a pretty spot." I was relatively sure it was closed but my friends and I didn't let little things like that stop us in the past. I hoped it wouldn't deter Mike.

Mike was thoughtful for a moment. Then with a smile he said, "I think we can get in." He parked across the street from the entrance and we walked in around the closed gate. It wasn't far to the spot we had enjoyed earlier. At night, with the moon shining on the water, it was such a romantic setting.

I was nervous about how to proceed. It was obvious that I had to initiate the first move. I laid back on the blanket and Mike leaned over me. I put my arm around his neck and pulled his lips to mine. His hand found my waist.

Now my dilemma was if his hand moved up, fine. If he tried to slide it down, over my hips, I'd have to stop him. My fears were put to rest. I pulled him closer to me as his hand found my breast as we kissed. I gave him no signal to stop as he stroked me. It felt wonderful.

How many times had I played with them in the shower? Touching myself were I was most sensitive and being thrilled with the feelings I experienced. How often did I wonder what it would feel like to have someone else touch me the same way? My early fantasies were that some girl would do it to me but that vision changed over the years.

I wanted to feel his hand on my bare skin. I undid a couple of buttons on my top. Mike didn't need to be hit over the head. He slipped his hand under and caressed my breasts through my bra. It felt so good. I was impatient for more. Finally, he did what I'd been waiting for him to do. He slid his hand under my lacy bra.

Mike was more worldly than I imagined. I don't know how he knew exactly what to do. I realized that I was surely not the first girl he'd made love to. I wasn't that naive.

It felt so good. When he rubbed my nipple my whole body quivered with excitement. As he touched me in different ways my excitement built and my breathing quickened. I kissed him with more fervor than ever and he seemed to respond. He kneaded my soft mounds of flesh as his finger tip drove me wild. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before.

I was captivated by the wonder feeling I was experiencing even as his hand moved down my chest, outside my dress. Our lips were still locked and my tongue flicked his madly. I tingled as his hand caressed my stomach on its way down. I didn't find my wits right away. I was to excited to react.

Mike's hand rested on my belly, inches from my crotch. I was torn between stopping him and finding out how it felt to be touched near that forbidden spot.

In the privacy of my room I'd discovered that when I lost my manhood so long ago I hadn't lost feeling. Touching myself there felt good too. My girlfriends masturbated. They weren't shy about telling me about it. I felt I could relate to the feelings they described. My experiences did lack some of what they were able to do but I had feelings, similar to theirs.

Mike was timid about going further. I wanted him to but I was afraid. It wouldn't take him much to discover how different I was than the other girls he'd been with. When I felt him lift my dress I had to stop him. "Mike," I whispered, separating our lips.

"What is it? Do you want me to stop?" He asked so sweetly.

I was so torn. "I have my period." I told him. It was a ploy that always worked with my friends.

He drew his hand away instantly, like I was diseased or something. His reaction disappointed me somehow. Had I ruined everything?

I knew, from my friends, what guys could be like. Mike was the exception. Most guys were insensitive and wouldn't have cared whether I had my period or not. That wouldn't have stopped them. Mike was special.

"Kiss me?" I asked him, short of breath, and he did.

I felt I cheated him and he was so understanding about it. The thought that passed through my mind was so far from anything I ever imagined I'd ever consider doing. But why not. No one would ever know and I wanted to give him some of what he'd given me.

I gently pushed him back off me and rolled over so that now I was looking down on him. I became the aggressor. I unbuttoned his shirt to stroke his smooth muscled chest. I kissed him while my hand explored the definition of those muscles. I was sensitive to his slightest quiver of excitement. I was glad I could effect him the way I did.

My hand explored lower until it was stopped by his belt. Could I, I wondered. I took my hand and rubbed the front of his pants, working my way lower. I was surprised to learn how much I turned him on.

"Oh! You're so big." I told him, acting surprised. Cindy told us she did the same thing to Rob once. Guys like to hear that girls are impressed. Cindy was right, judging by Mike's reaction.

All I had to do was unzip his fly and put my hand inside his pants. It didn't sound so hard but... Again I told myself, no one would ever know and I'd never see Mike again after that night. Why not?

I grabbed the little metal tab and pulled down his zipper. First I rubbed him through his underwear. Then I reached in through his fly and took his dick in my hand. He was so big, so hard. I wondered, would I have been that big if I was still Dennis?

Mike moaned as I rubbed him. Somehow I managed to get that swollen member out of the narrow fly in his underwear and pull it out of his pants. I didn't want to look at it. If I didn't see it than what I was doing wouldn't be so bad. Mike's breathing quickened, like mine had earlier. He was so turned on. It was great to be able to do this to a guy. Who'd have ever imagined?

I started to stroke him, faster and faster and he loved it. How long would it take, I wondered. How long would it be before he came. It didn't take him any time at all. I felt his warm flesh throbbing in my hand as he had an orgasm. It felt so strange to be holding him as it happened. I kept the thick fluid from dripping on him. capturing it in my hand. I quickly found a tissue in my purse and cleaned myself off.

There was a water fountain not far from where we lay and I washed myself off. Mike was still lying there on the blanket, spent, when I came back. I was a little ashamed of myself. It didn't matter that no one saw us or would ever know what it did.

"I think you better take me home." I said, stroking his head and smiling at him. It wasn't his fault. He was the sweetest thing, lying there looking so peaceful.

"I don't want you to go." He said as we stood outside my hotel room door.

Thank God I had to go. Especially after what I'd done. He was wonderful but I couldn't see him again. "I know. I'll miss you too." I would, I knew. I'd never forget the boy with the beautiful blue eyes.

He kissed me so tenderly. Not like before. Not with the passion we'd felt earlier.

I couldn't believe Lin and Nancy weren't there. It was almost midnight. I expected them to be just waiting there to hear all about my date. Then I realized that, to them, it was just a date. Maybe a little special because of how Mike and I met and the fact that it was a vacation fling but it was, after all, just a date. It was much more than that to me.

I straightened myself up and went for a walk, hoping to find them. My first guess was a good one. I found them sitting out on the beach. They weren't alone. They were talking to a couple of guys. I don't know why but I wasn't as timid about walking up to them as normally would have been. I felt too good to be shy.

We caught as much sun as we could the next morning, before we had to check out and head for the airport. I was both sad to leave and anxious to get home. Florida had been quite and experience for me and I changed me in ways I would realize only over time.

I never told anyone about what happened that night in the park. I told my friends about dinner and dancing. I told them how great Mike was to make out with but that was all.

Funny, I wasn't so afraid of those intimate moments with Jimmy any more. It took some time but I taught him how to please me and our relationship got even better than before. He must have been a little suspicious about what had happened to change me but he never asked. We became much more than friends.

I was careful to only gradually experiment with Jimmy. I was cautious not to let things go too far. I'll never forget that rainy Sunday afternoon we spent in the house alone. Everyone else was out that day and we were in my room. I thought I'd explode when his tongue caressed my nipples. He was a little shocked at me I think, when I gave him that first hand job. What an awful thing to call it, 'Hand Job'.

That summer I went to work in Mom's office. She liked having me working with her. I had taken a few business courses in school so I didn't have much trouble at all finding my nitch in her real estate office. It was kind of neat, working there. Everyone dressed up for work and I was no exception. Mom bought me a dozen new outfits and I felt really good going to work looking pretty. It was neat to go to work in heals, although I did learn before long why women always complain about wearing them all day. I didn't complain.

The men that came into the office took notice of me. I worked at the front desk and I was the first person they saw coming in. It made me feel attractive to be noticed that way. I liked the feeling. Especially when the younger, good looking, men came in. That was really exciting.

I passed my test for my license. Mom and I went out and found me a really great car. It's a 1992 LeBaron convertible. It's red with a white top. I love it. None of my friends have a convertible. They're really jealous.

I had a great summer. Better than any I could remember. Even the ones back home with my Mom. I felt guilty about that at times but I passed quickly as I discovered more and more of how satisfying my life had become.

With no school, my nights were my own. My weekends were filled with friends and Jimmy. I actually started looking forward to my next birthday. It was a little scary at times but now I wanted what turning eighteenth would bring.

It was a couple of weeks before school started that I thought my world would fall apart. It had been so long since I saw any of my other family that I almost forgot they existed. None of them liked my new mom. The only communication I had with them was the letters I got once or twice a year. I always wrote back telling them everything was fine and I was doing well. They had no hint that my life had taken the twist it had and that was the way I wanted to leave it. They hadn't bothered with me in so long that I didn't want anything to do with them.

My Aunt Judy was the only one of the whole bunch that I cared about and we exchanged letters at Christmas. Once or twice she suggested we should get together and see each other. I always made up some excuse why I couldn't go visit.

The letter that came that week in August shocked me. Aunt Judy and Uncle Jeff were coming through Atlanta on their way to Florida and they wanted to stop and see me. They didn't ask. They just said that they'd be arriving Wednesday, the twenty eighth, and they couldn't wait to see me and spend some time together.

The only person home was Janet. Mom was working. Cathy and Amanda were out. I ran to Janet's room and showed her the letter.

"It's been what, four years since I'd seen them. How could they do this now. What am I going to do?"

Janet couldn't hide her apprehension. "This is bad. Mom and us are going to be in a world of trouble when your Aunt sees you."

I knew exactly what she meant. Imagine my Aunt's shock to discover that her nephew is now her niece. They'd lock Mom up for what she'd done. I was sure of that. I couldn't let that happen.

I sat on the back steps waiting for Mom to come home. I prayed she'd think of a way to handle the situation.

Mom's face turned nearly white as she read the letter.

"What are we going to do?" I asked in panic.

She took a moment to think. Then she looked at me and said very calmly, "Your Aunt Judy is expecting to find Dennis and that's who she's going to see."

"What are you talking about? How can we pull that off? I can't be a boy again!" I didn't want to.

"Of course you can sweetheart. We'll get your hair cut. We'll go shopping and find you some new clothes. We can make her think that you're still her little Dennis."

I couldn't imagine. "I've got to cut my hair?!" I said in panic. I didn't want to loose my beautiful long hair.

"It'll be alright Honey. I'll grow back. Trust me." She looked me over as we stood there on the back porch.

"You'll have to trim your nails." Janet added.

I looked at my hands, my slender fingers and the nails that I so religiously cared for. I felt sick.

Mom ushered us into the kitchen. "We'll have to make some changes to your room too." She said thoughtfully.

"What?"

"Well your dresser and dressing table will have to go. Your bed will be alright when we take off the canopy but you need a new bedspread and curtains. Your Aunt Judy would certainly wonder why her nephew would want to live in a girl's room."

It had been some time since Amanda moved into Janet's room, taking all her furniture with her. Mom had gone out and bought me the prettiest bedroom set she could find. It was beautiful and I loved it but she was right. It was all unmistakably girl's furniture.

"You'll have to pack up your cosmetics and things and put them away while she's here." Mom was thinking out loud.

Janet was still concerned. "How's Denise going to pull this off. She doesn't act anything like a guy anymore."

"She'll be alright." Mom said as much to me as to Janet. "We've got to help her but we'll pull this off. You're Aunt with only be here for a day and then she'll be gone. We'll manage."

Mom told Cathy and Amanda the news. They were as upset as the rest of us. Mom did a good job of hiding it but I knew she was worried. The last thing I wanted was to loose my family and I wouldn't let that happen a second time.

It didn't escape me for a second that I had a girl's figure with all the normal attributes. I was proud of the figure I worked so hard to achieve and maintain. How was I going to manage to disguise the fact that I had breasts?

Mom came up with the answer to that problem. While we were at the mall shopping that afternoon, she bought a rib belt. The kind you wear if you've got cracked ribs. I had to wait to see how it worked till we got home. Just like I had to wait to try on the clothes we bought.

We couldn't find anything in the young men's section. We had to shop in boy's. I wasn't about to go into the dressing rooms in the stores. They would have thrown me out of the store. I didn't want to try on men's clothes in the ladies dressing room. That would have been really weird if I got caught.

The rib belt worked, sort of. If I wore a tight shirt you could still see that I had something unusual about my chest. Then too, I had a narrower waist and wider hips than any boy I ever saw. I was really scared.

Mom even bought me boy's underwear. She insisted I had to wear it. It was awful. I put on the bulky cotton underpants and tee shirt. It looked and felt awful. I hadn't worn cotton in years and never anything as uncomfortable as those.

We had two days to get ready. I didn't understand why I had to get my hair cut already. "We've got a lot of work to do to get you ready for Wednesday. We can't leave it all till the last minute. Besides, you need to get used to the change." Mom insisted.

She was right, of course.

I was sick as I sat in my usual chair in the salon and watched Carolyn cut all my beautiful blond hair off. Thank God she didn't cut it really short. It had taken so long to get it just the right length and in an instant, it was gone. I looked awful.

We had to wait till we got home before I could redo it, to make it look more like a boys style. I couldn't very well tell Carolyn to make me look like a boy. She was taken back enough that I was getting it all cut off. She knew how much I loved my long hair.

I thought I looked bad in the salon. I stood in front of the mirror in my new clothes with my new hair and I felt sick. I looked horrible.

Mom experimented and found a concealer to cover my ear holes. I had gotten a second set of holes that summer. Now it appeared I had none. I really looked strange.

"Do you think they'll notice her skin?" Cathy asked.

I turned and looked at her like 'what do you mean'?

She explained her question to all of us, "Denise doesn't have a complexion like a guy's. Her skin in nicer that most girls'."

They all looked at me for a moment. I knew by their silence that Cathy was right. I did have a nice even, smooth complexion. What did they expect from someone who took care of it the way I did. I never dreamed that would be a problem.

"She'll just have to make do." Mom decided. "There's nothing we can do about that."

I came down for dinner that night in my new clothes. Mom chased me out of the kitchen. She wouldn't let me help like I usually did. I wasn't even allowed to help set the table. Amanda and Janet did that.

"It's not the kind of thing boys do." Mom explained.

They all hounded me over dinner. How was I supposed to unlearn the table manners I'd learned. It was second nature to me to eat like a lady. It was so hard.

I didn't go to work with Mom on Monday or Tuesday. She told them that I wasn't feeling well, that I'd probably be back to work on Thursday. It wasn't like it was a problem. I'd be going back to school soon and I'd only be working in the office on weekends. They really liked me there and I liked the job. I was thrilled that I'd be able to work there through my senior year.

School! How was I going to go to school looking the way I did. I hated my hair. I looked like a freak. Some girls look good with short hair but not me. I hated it. Hated it! HATED IT!

When my friends called I had to tell them I was sick. I didn't want anyone to see me. Telling Jimmy he couldn't come over was the hardest. He was really insistent and I had to just tell him no.

"Don't cross your legs like that."

"Don't walk that way."

"Don't talk with your hands."

"Watch your expressions."

"Boys don't say 'lovely'.

It went on and on. Mom and the others were constantly after me about one thing or the other. It was awful. It was hard not to get mad at them but I remembered why they were doing it and I understood. Still, they were a pain.

By Tuesday night I was no more ready than I was Sunday. I was so nervous that I got up in the middle of the night and threw up. I was convinced that I'd never pass as a boy for my Aunt and Uncle.

Mom had come to my room, after everyone had gone to their rooms for the night.

"You alright Sweetheart?" She asked as she came and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm scared." I told her.

She stroked my head like she'd done so many times in the past when I was scared or depressed. "You're going to be just fine Denise. We're going to get through this alright, you'll see."

"Dennis."

"What?" She asked.

"It's Dennis." I reminded her. Of all people to forget, I thought to myself. Then it dawned on me. Wasn't this what they called Dejvou? We both laughed.

Mom had always been there for me when I needed her these past years. I loved her for that and for the many other ways she showed me how much she loved me.

I paced the house all morning. At least it seemed like all morning. I'd gotten up at five. It was only six thirty.

I checked my room for the umpteenth time for anything that looked like Denise's. The furniture Mom found at Good Will on Monday looked so beat up. I don't know where the girls found the posters and things that lined my walls. Who would have given them the huge pictures of models in bathing suits I had no clue.

My furniture was out in the garage. We couldn't put it in the rec room in the basement cause they might go down there while they were here. My clothes were in everybody's closets and drawers.

I couldn't eat breakfast. I had a glass of juice to wash down my vitamins but that was it.

I couldn't sit for more than three minutes at a time. I'd get up and look out the window or go up an check myself in the mirror. I was so afraid that the fake eyebrows Janet had helped me glue on the night before would fall off like they did on the actors in those old comedies. I had to do something with them. I'd been plucking and shaping them since I was fifteen and they didn't look anything like a guy's bushy eyebrows. Now they did. I thought we overdid it but Mom and the others said they looked fine.

The rib belt was crushing my chest. It was so uncomfortable and if I moved the wrong way, it pinched.

Every body else got up around seven. That was pretty early for my sisters but they were worried about me. Mom took the day off. She wanted to be with me.

Aunt Judy and the others looked at me like they didn't even recognize me as I walked toward their car. I pretended not to notice their looks of shock.

Aunt Judy and Uncle Jeff I expected. I'd completely forgotten about my cousins, Mark and Tina. I was surprised to see they were so grown up. I thought they were much younger but they looked to be about my age. Seeing them made me all the more nervous.

When Aunt Judy got over her shock she started to put her arms around me to give me a hug. I pulled back. "I've got a broken rib." I explained. When she went to kiss me, I forgot myself for a second and kissed her the way I kissed any of my girlfriends, on the cheek. I wanted to kick myself. I was messing up already.

She seemed to look at my face too closely. I quickly pulled back and went around the car to my waiting uncle and shook his hand. I tried to give him a firm handshake but his big paw was much stronger than my little hand. I don't think he was as astute as my Aunt. "Boy, you're just skin and bones. Don't you eat?" He said it with a chuckle.

My cousin Mark had really grown. I was what? A year older than him? Two? He was as tall as his father and broad shouldered. He was really cute, "Hi." He said in a husky voice.

It didn't occur to me that I must have sounded funny to him. When he went through puberty his voice deepened, as most boys' do. Mine never changed and, under the circumstances, I never noticed with the way I developed. I never gave it a thought. I sounded like a girl, just as I should.

The last time I saw either of them, they were little. Tina wasn't little any more. She had filled out and was a young woman now. She could stand to lose a few pounds, her complexion was a mess and somebody really ought to teach her how to dress herself, thought to myself. But that was just my opinion.

Both of them gave me strange looks that made me really uncomfortable. I could almost read their minds. Tina was thinking what a geekie looking guy and Mark, Mark was thinking what a wimp. I wished they could see me as I really was. Their reactions would have been much different.

I thought to myself, 'Ok, you can all leave now'.

Mom and the others introduced themselves to Aunt Judy. They had never met and if they were like the rest of the family, had no love for my Mom. Both women acted as if everything was just fine between them.

Janet and Amanda came around the car to meet the others and help me out. I was really grateful because I felt really awkward in that situation.

I thought Tina looked a little unsettled. My sisters were far prettier and had more class than she could ever hope for.

Mark stopped looking at me and stared like he'd never seen a girl before. How many times had guys looked at me the same way? God, I hated playing this game!

Mom, of course, invited everyone in.

Aunt Judy, Uncle Jeff and Tina settled on the couch. I continued to get curious looks from my Aunt and Tina. Mark was preoccupied by the girls. He was a typical guy.

Uncle Jeff sat my me on the sofa, with Janet. He was the only one who didn't stare. He was a handsome man and he had a nice smile. I didn't remember him being so good looking. I liked him, he was at least friendly.

Mom and Cathy served coffee while Aunt Judy pestered me with a million questions. They wanted to know all about how I'd been doing since they'd seen me last. It had been at Mom's funeral. That brought back memories, some sad and some pleasant.

Most of their questions were easy to answer, with a slight twist of the facts. Mom injected herself, taking some of the pressure off. My sisters helped too. Thank God they were there to support me.

Tina would occasionally whisper something to her mother then the two of them would look over at me. What was I doing wrong, I kept wondering?

I was so careful not to slip back into my natural habits, although once I caught myself sitting with my legs crossed like a girl. I quickly corrected myself. I thought no one noticed.

Mom and the girls were really careful too. It would have been so easy to slip and call me Denise, or worse, refer to me as 'her' or 'she'.

When lunch time came around Mom suggested that they eat with us. Aunt Judy accepted after insisting she shouldn't go to the trouble. Mom assured her it was no trouble. She took Amanda in to the kitchen to help her.

"Why don't you show me your room Dennis?" Aunt Judy asked, curiously.

"Alright." I agreed. I was so glad Mom had the foresight to change it around.

"Tina, go see if you can help Mrs Worth with lunch." Aunt Judy told Tina. She had gotten up to follow us to the stairs. She look disappointed but did as her mother said.

Cathy and Janet asked Mark if he wanted to see the rec room downstairs. He was more than happy to go off with them.

That left Uncle Jeff but he didn't just sit there. As we headed for the stairs he got up and headed for the kitchen.

"Why do you call her Mom?" Aunt Judy asked as we went up the stairs.

I sensed resentment in her voice. My real mother was her sister.

"That's who she is." I think I probably sounded a little defensive.

"Do you ever think about your real mom." She asked soulfully.

"Sure." I replied as I reached the top of the stairs. "I really miss her." That seemed to appease my Aunt a little.

She seemed impressed with my room. I thought it looked horrible. Mom had gone in after I went downstairs that morning and threw some of the new clothes around the floor, for effect. I proceeded to pick up. I never left my things like that and it bothered me.

Aunt Judy poked around. She smiled as she scanned the posters on the wall. It was a nice touch the girls had added. I wouldn't have thought of it.

She sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at me. "Sit down for a minute." She asked sweetly as she patted the bed next to her.

As I joined her on the bed she asked, "Are you alright? Are you happy?"

Her questions didn't surprise me. "I'm fine Aunt Judy, honest. I've been very happy here." I told her with sincerity.

"I'm worried about you. You look sickly. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Really! I'm fine." I insisted.

"You're so thin, so drawn. You don't look like you eat enough." She reached over and stroked my cheek as she looked at me with concern.

We were too close for comfort. I wanted to pull away but I couldn't. It would have made her suspicious. "I'm just a little thin, that's all. I went to the doctor a few days ago and she said I'm fine." I slipped up. Why would I go to a woman doctor? I wanted to kick myself. She apparently didn't notice or she didn't' give any thought to my slip up.

She looked at me a little funny. "How did you hurt yourself?"

Oh! My ribs. "I was horsing around with the guys and fell." I had that answer ready.

She still had that strange look on her face. The next few questions came as a surprise but I had no problem answering them. I just didn't know why she asked me things about my real mom. She sort of had things twisted around and I had to correct her.

I didn't realize at first what she was doing. I couldn't believe that Aunt Judy doubted I was really who I said I was. She was making sure I was really her nephew. Unbelievable. When I was done with her I was sure she had no doubt anymore that I was Dennis.

Aunt Judy, Uncle Jeff and Tina went into the living room alone for a few minutes before we sat down to lunch. I was sure they were talking about me.

Mom set out a really nice lunch. I had to sit next to Mark but that sort of helped. I mimicked the way he ate. Guys can be so crude.

As Amanda and Cathy were clearing the dishes from the table, Aunt Judy made a suggestion that surprised me., "Dennis, we're heading to Florida for a few days. Why don't you come with us."

I didn't know what to say.

"I don't know if it's wise for Dennis to go off with his ribs hurting the way they are." Mom said, coming to my aid.

Aunt Judy didn't give up and Uncle Jeff added his two cents. "We're just going to Disney for a few days. Dennis'll be fine."

"Sure. We aren't going to be doing anything that'll hurt him." Aunt Judy insisted, sort of coldly.

I could see that my cousins weren't overly thrill with the idea of my going. I had no wish to prolong my agony either. I couldn't imagine two or three days of pretending to be someone I wasn't. "I don't think...." I started to say.

Aunt Judy concentrated on Mom, ignoring my protest. "It's been so long since we've seen Dennis. We'll have him back by Saturday. It'll be good for him to get to know us again and he'll have a good time with Mark and Tina."

I could see Mom was struggling with it. There was no logical reason I shouldn't go. Why 'Dennis' shouldn't go. I just couldn't imagine three days of pretending. Could I get away with it?

It was settled. I didn't have that much to pack. I took everything and it all fit in one small suitcase. Mom helped me get ready.

"This isn't going to work." I said to her, pleading.

"You have to go Sweetheart."

I could see she was worried. "They're going to find out." I was so scared.

"Not if you're careful Dear." She stroked my cheek and tried to smile reassuringly.

It was Hell. I spent three terrifying days with them. I had to share a room with Mark, who despised me. He paraded around in his underwear in the room. I had to watch myself, keep from staring at that bulge in his pants. I was always dressed. I couldn't let him see me in my underwear. I was conspicuous without a bulge in mine. I waited till the lights were out before I dared undress, use the bathroom and get into bed. I had to either get up before he did or wait till he was out of the room. A dozen times I was sure he'd walk in on me in the bathroom. I kept the door locked.

Tina gave me the cold shoulder the whole time. We hardly spoke at all.

Uncle Jeff was ok. He was the only one.

Aunt Judy, when I wasn't in my room and sometimes when I was, hardly left my side. She doted over me constantly. It was nerve wracking.

I lost track of the many times that I messed up and forgot who I was supposed to be. Sometimes no one noticed but I knew they caught me a few times.

One time I overheard Tina and Mark. They didn't know I could hear them, outside on the balcony. "He's a faggot." Mark complained.

"Did you see the way he walks?" Tina remarked.

"Yeah. He acts like a girl. What a queer. I swear, if he tries anything with me I'll deck him."

Tina laughed. "I ought to loan him one of my dresses."

Mark thought that was funny. "You know he shaves his legs?"

Tina was shocked. "You saw him!?"

"I didn't see him shaving but he doesn't have any hair on them. His face either. The guy doesn't even shave. I checked. He didn't even bring a razor."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, and you know what else? He doesn't have any hair in his armpits either. I swear, he's as queer as a two dollar bill."

"Why did Mom have to insist we bring him with us? He's ruining our whole vacation. Mom spends all her time with him. She ignores us."

"I know. You see how she babies him?"

"You think she knows?" Mark asked his sister.

"She knows. She's real upset. She doesn't know what to do about him. She's concerned that he's gay. I think he's that way because of that woman. Because of being raised in that house full of girls."

I wanted to hear more but Aunt Judy came to the door just then and I had to leave.

They dragged me with them through Disney World for two days. I was less than enthused about being there. Aunt Judy was constantly with me. Except for those times I went to the men's room with Uncle Jeff and Mark. I was so embarrassed going in them. They stood, I sat. I had to.

Mark and Tina were constantly teasing me. Aunt Judy was constantly scolding them. It made things miserable for everyone. I wanted to die. If I could only be myself...

I called Mom every night, when I was alone. Talking to her helped. It was her encouragement that got me through it.

It was such a long drive back to Atlanta in the car with all of them. Mark wouldn't sit next to me so Tina had to. She was vicious. If only she could see me as I really was. Wouldn't she be more understanding, I wondered?

Mom looked so good to me as she came hurrying from the house as we pulled into the driveway Saturday afternoon. Janet, Cathy and Amanda waited on the porch.

Mom didn't stop to think as she hugged me so tight. Aunt Judy saw her. I saw the look on her face. So much for hurt ribs.

"Did you have a nice time Sweetheart?" She asked.

She shouldn't have called me that. "Sure", was all I said. The family was watching us.

They all came in the house. I took my bag upstairs while they talked. I learned later what was said, after they'd gone. Aunt Judy had some pretty harsh things to say to Mom. She accused her of turning me into a sissy. She told her she had no right raising me the way she had and that something should be done about it.

"What could she do?" I asked fearfully.

"Nothing Sweetheart. She can't do a thing. I don't want you to worry about it. When I adopted you, when your father and I got married, I became your legal guardian. She can't hurt us as long as you're happy here with us.

That was a relief. Surprising though, I never knew that Mom had adopted me. No one ever told me. It wasn't important, I decided.

They were no more out the driveway than I set about getting back to normal. I couldn't wait to get my things back and everyone helped. What a relief it was to throw all those awful clothes in the trash and put on my own clothes. It seemed more like a month than four days since I'd worn my own things.

My hair. My beautiful hair.

I got a lot of comments on my new look that first day back in school. To my surprise, most of my friends thought I looked terrific. Jimmy wasn't so thrilled. I hadn't seen him in a week. That was longer than we'd ever spent apart. He was taken back and didn't say much at first. I knew he liked me better with long hair and I promised him I would grow it back. It just killed me that it would take so long for it to grow long again, the way it was.

It wasn't a week before the first letter came. Aunt Judy wrote every couple of weeks. I didn't want to write back but Mom said I should. "She might decide something's wrong if you don't." She explained. So I wrote.

I wanted to tell her how angry I was about what she'd said to my mother but Mom said that would only make matters worse.

It was the week before Thanksgiving that the official brown envelope arrived, addressed not to me, but to Mom. She was being sued for custody of me. Aunt Judy and Uncle Jeff wanted to take me away from her and make me come live with them.

I immediately wrote Aunt Judy a reply and intentionally didn't show it to Mom. I said, in no

uncertain terms, that I would never leave Mom and go live with them. I was perfectly happy where I was and intended to stay right there with my mother and my sisters.

My reply came in the form of a short note and some photographs. They knew.

The note from Aunt Judy explained. They had hired an investigator because they were worried about me. When he found conflicting documents about who I was, he started surveillance on me and my family. There were photos of me leaving the house, going to church and school. He had even taken a picture of me at cheerleading practice.

We had a meeting. Everyone had an opinion about what to do but Mom made it very clear that the decision was mine alone.

The courts made me go see a psychiatrist. I had to go once a week for two months to talk to the man. It was embarrassing at first but I became more at ease with him over time.

I didn't go to the judge's chambers alone that cool day in February. I went with my family. My whole family.

I spent days finding just the right dress to wear. I picked it out myself, just for the occasion. I wanted everyone to know that I was happy and content to be the woman before them and my clothes help me make that statement. It was a beautiful dress with its wide collar and sleeves trimmed in lace. It wasn't too short but not so long that it looked matronly on me. I really liked it.

I couldn't help it that I shocked Aunt Judy and Uncle Jeff. They saw who I really was that day and they heard from my own lips that the decision to live my life as Denise was mine alone. I told the judge that it was my wish to complete the transition to become a woman as soon as the law allowed and that I had no desire to go back to what I'd been.

He asked me a lot of questions about myself, my home life, my family. He took the time to get to know me, my ambitions and desires. Some of it was very personal but I was honest with him. Each time I looked at Mom and my sisters they looked so proud of me. I was glad they were all with me that day.

We all waited in the small lounge off the courtroom for work of the judge's decision. It was an awkward situation. I felt sorry for Aunt Judy. She looked so dejected. I made up my mind, summoned my courage and went over to her. Everyone watched as I stood there in front of her. She looked up at me with such sorrowful eyes. "Can we go for a walk?" I asked her with a smile. I offered her my hand.

I guess the judge was impressed by me because it only took him a short while to reach his decision.

I said goodbye to my Aunt and Uncle outside on the courthouse steps. I promised I would write and she did too. It must have been hard for her to accept me but when we hugged and kissed goodbye we both cried. She wished me happiness and I believed she was sincere.

I left Atlanta that afternoon. I left the last of my ties to Dennis on those court house steps. I went home with my family to resume my life.

I was anxious for the day that life would be complete and I could finally feel fulfilled, as the woman I'd become.

 

 

 

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