After numerous complaints (well-founded ones) I have redone this story. I hope you willtry to read it again.

  

State of Mind

by Tanya Lynn

  

Again, I woke up in a cold sweat. I was really getting to hate these dreams. On the surface they seemed perfect. In them, I was a beautiful young girl. I had curly, shoulder length brunette hair and when I saw myself in the mirror after a bath, nice young breasts and a body just getting its beautiful shape. In various dreams, I would be ice skating, doing ballet, and gymnastics. I had a loving family, and a very rich dad. He was a scientist and inventor. It was the ideal life. Then, I woke up again. I was once again struck by how vivid the dream was. It had been in color and so real. I untied my hands and feet from the head and base of my bed and got up and removed my nightie and panties and got into the shower. As I got out I looked in the mirror. I admired my 36B-sized chest and thin waist. The only hated part was the penis between my legs. For reasons I couldn't understand, I had this figure. As I made breakfast, I thought of how I had gotten here.

I was 34 and had no real life. I had no memory before 12. From that age on, I was a boy who felt I was a girl. From 13-18, I would sneak out my mom's clothes and dress. I don't know where it came from, but I also liked to tie myself up and masturbate as well. This is why I liked to sleep tied up. When I was caught, my parents went ballistic. I wound up turning to drugs and booze when denied being able to dress. I wound up on the streets until a few years ago when I got off. My parents begged my forgiveness and said I could come home. Then, a year and a half ago, there was a terrible car crash and they were killed. I was in a coma for four months. I had always been terribly overweight, and when I awoke, I had the shape I had now. My parents hadn't been rich, but they left me with enough to set myself up and leave myself a tidy sum every month. With that, I got a part-time security guard job on Saturday and Sunday in an office building that was empty on the weekend. I got a two-bedroom condo and found some stores in my town that didn't pay a lot of attention when I went shopping in the woman's areas. I even took a day and went to one of the stores that specializes in cross-dressers and got some stuff. I lived all of the time at home as a girl and would dress up at work after I relieved the other guard.

This morning, as I got ready to go to work, I put on a pair of panties and pantyhose and then my uniform pants. I put on a lacy bra and then my uniform shirt and jacket. It was cold out, so the jacket would cover the bra. I put a white sweater and black skirt and half-slip in my van along with my laptop and a book that I was reading and went to work. As soon as I relieved the other guard and made sure there was no one else in the building, I put on the skirt and sweater and did my rounds. I settled in for the day. Even if someone rang the bell to get in, it would take a few seconds to get out of the skirt and sweater and into my uniform. I got out my Victoria's Secret catalog and started to pick out my next order. I admit I wished I could go in the store and shop myself, but never went out in public dressed. Suddenly, I heard a noise. How the hell had someone gotten into the building without setting off the alarms? I went out to the lobby and saw a man with a gun. I thought he looked vaguely familiar, but couldn't place him. He laughed at my appearance and said was this what I had come to? I realized I had on my skirt and blouse and wanted to go hide and he said to freeze and pointed the gun at me. He came close and said he would love to have me as he did before. But, he had to kill me now. He had come too close, and I grabbed his gun. He tried to jump me any way, so I was forced to shoot him. After my years on the streets, this bothered me less than I thought it would. His body suddenly vanished. There was no trace of him. I changed back to my uniform and called the company and told them I was ill and needed to be relieved early. I went home to try to figure out what was going on.

I slipped into a pair of sweats and sat down with a bowl. After smoking it, I felt better. Smoking pot and frying on acid were the only way I coped. I watched TV and fell asleep. I dreamed again, but it was different this time. I was the girl, but this time, I was outside school. I was wearing a blouse and my plaid uniform skirt, and navy tights. I was waiting on my mom to pick me up when a van pulled up and two men jumped out and grabbed me. Before I knew it I was hog-tied on the floor of the van and had a penis gag in my mouth. I struggled and screamed into the gag to no avail. They took me to a farm and dragged me into the barn. They threw me down on a mattress and left me there sobbing. Then, the man who I had just shot that day came into the barn. He had a video camera and said that he would be taping to show my dad. He said he hoped I had been practicing sucking the penis gag. He switched it with an O-ring and then videotaped as I was forced to blow him and the other two. He then pulled up my blouse and bra and down my panties and rubbed me. At first I fought, but I wound up exploding in pleasure. I woke up from the dream suddenly with my panties full of my cum. Without thinking about it, I reached down and brought it to my mouth and tasted it and then grabbed one of my dildos and covered it with my cum and licked it off. I tied my hands and feet to the bed and put in a penis gag covered with cum and went to sleep. I didn't dream again.

In the morning, I went to work and wore a blouse and skirt that I had that looked a lot like the ones in the dream. I wore navy tights as well. I was almost through the day when a man suddenly appeared in the office. I had kept the other guy's gun, and immediately pointed it at him. Something told me that he was all right, but I had to be careful. He pushed a button on his belt, though, and I was suddenly frozen to the spot. He said he could see that I was starting to remember. The problem was, "they" had found me. I needed to be prepared. They couldn't make me remember, but I would receive help, until the time came to go home. I asked what the hell he was talking about. He said that I had to wonder why I had these, and reached into my blouse and squeezed my breast. I had them even though I had this, and reached under my skirt and pulled down my panties and squeezed my dick. He said to talk to Amy and vanished. I managed to get through the day and went home and got totally stoned until I fell asleep. This time I dreamed of being the girl, and the man was there. He was my teacher and bodyguard and was very protective of me. He obviously loved my parents and I very much.

When I woke up, I had slept peacefully even without being tied up. I got ready for the day. This was the day that a girl that I had clean my Condo came by. Her name was Amy, and instinct told me to trust her as the man said. She knew I dressed up and was a lesbian. I had found her cleaning service at a gay bookstore and had guessed correctly that she would be more open-minded. I had on a light sweater over my bra and a pair of comfy jeans. I asked when she came in if she had time to talk after she was done and she said that some instinct had told her that I needed her and she had made extra time today. I told her everything. I said I was sure I was nuts, but she said that she had a friend who dealt with this kind of thing. She said that if I were nuts, she would know, but if there was something else going on, she would help me with it. I called and got an appointment the next day. The person I spoke to on the phone said to come as who I thought I was.

In the morning, after a remarkably dreamless night, I put my favorite pink jumper in a bag and put on white tights to go with it. I had on a loose sweatshirt to cover my bra. When I got to the office, a girl showed me to a room and said to get dressed, as I wanted. I put on the jumper and waited nervously. A woman of about 30 came in and said her name was Carol and that Amy was a friend who had filled her in. She said that it was possible that my problems were not mental. I told her my history and then about the dreams. I then told her about the two men. She asked me why I was wearing that jumper. I told her that I had dreamed of having it on as the girl and loving it. The next time I went shopping at the thrift store I frequented, I saw the same jumper in an adult size and bought it. She asked why I didn't try to look like a girl and go out in public. I said I just didn't want other people to see me. She told me to come back the next day and she would hypnotize me.

She put me under and I woke up not knowing what had happened. She had taped it and I was amazed as I watched. I saw myself in the persona of a 12year old girl. I had worn the white sweater and black skirt that I loved. I had on very frilly underwear underneath and a lacy white half-slip and black pantyhose. As soon as I went under, the 12-year-old came out. Her name was Tanya. She was everything in the dreams and more. I watched myself move and act like a girl, and talk about a full life as a 12-year-old. It was just like in the dreams. I had grown up as the only daughter of a successful inventor. I had come to understand that criminals and foreign governments who wanted his inventions threatened him. I had been kidnapped as I remembered, but later rescued. The man who was my friend tried to help me adjust, but a week after the kidnapping, another attempt was made. It failed, but my dad said that he had developed two inventions that would forever change the world and they would never quit until he gave them up. He said that although it would almost kill him but he had to protect me. He took me to his lab and gave me a shot to put me to sleep. I remembered nothing until I was suddenly the 12-year-old boy. I told her that it was obvious that I was crazy. She told me that I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I should consider the possibility that I had been that girl.

I had one more day off and she said she wanted to see me again after she did some checking. The next day, I wore a chaste white dress and white tights as I entered her office. I was expecting the worst as she came into the office. Instead, she told me that she had found the truth. I could very well be that 12-year-old girl.

 

End of part 1

  

  

  

*********************************************
© 2003 by Tanya Lynn. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, and compilation design) may be printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without the express written consent of StorySite and the copyright holder.