Obligatory Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people and events are unintentional and are coincidental. This work may not be reposted to other sites or medium's without expressed permission of the author. (It will be given in most cases if asked)

 

Standing Up to Life

by Tiffany Shar

©2008, All Rights Reserved

 

Chapter 1: September 1994

I walked up to the bus stop, hoping maybe today would be better. Maybe today wouldn't be one of the bad days I have had so often. For instance yesterday… yesterday was a terrible day. I had come home crying again.

I suppose I should introduce myself to you, seeing as how you're spending the time to read my story. My name is Brandon, I'm 11 years old and in the Sixth Grade at Holden Middle School. My town is just about 25 minutes away from Albuquerque, NM. Close enough to go in if we want to during the evening, but far enough away to be away from the smog and such.

I had hoped when I moved up to the Middle School to have a new start – perhaps losing the problems I had before in elementary school, but they've only compounded and gotten worse. You'll hear enough of that later - unfortunately I've arrived at the bus stop so we'll have to move past these pleasantries.

I walked up to the bus stop cautiously watching to see if there were any plans in action that I needed to be aware of. The bus stop consisted of a dirt lot that had a volleyball court from a neighboring church in it. It's really just the standard dirt lot you see all over the southwest.

I looked down at my watch and saw that I had arrived about 5 minutes before the bus would arrive. Looking around further I saw Luke had gotten to bus stop already… not good. As I saw him he turned around too, he gave me a look and started heading over my way.

"Well if it isn't little Brandon. I'm surprised you came back to school today after yesterday. I see your arm is starting to turn a nice purple today… Maybe we can make your legs match it!" He said laughing, a couple of his friends came up and started to taunt me together. "You know on a lot of guys your spiked hair means they shouldn't be messed with, but on you it really doesn't do you any good!" Joe, another guy taunted.

The bad part is Lucas is actually just a lieutenant in the group of guys that gives me trouble. If these guys were already getting on my case it would only get worse. I could tell this was about to get out of hand real fast. Joe started to make a grab for my arms about the time that the bus pulled up.

"What are you kids doing? Do I need to write you all up?!?" Our bus driver Miss Amy screamed at us. They instantly let me go, and I instantly knew that this story would be to my Mom (another bus driver) before I got home. Great… another day of hell all around. So much for today.

As I took my seat my eyes started welling up – I couldn't help it – I've dealt with this since first grade. It seemed like no matter what there was always another bully to take and make it their personal mission to torment me. I didn't do a very good job of dealing with it to keep it from happening.

It didn't help that I wasn't big enough to come off as a threat to anyone. At 4'2" and 75lbs I was the smallest boy in my class. There was one girl, Nikki, who was shorter than me that kept me from having the honor of being the shortest in the entire class of 180 kids. I was also a year younger than a lot of the kids since my birthday had just fallen inside the deadline for my grade level. My parents wanted to keep me from entering Kindergarten that year, but the preschool I was at insisted that mentally I was ready. They were right on that part – I was one of the smartest kids at the school – but emotionally I was a baby in comparison. Something the kids had no problems telling me.

Chapter 2:

By the time the bus pulled up to the school I had regained some control of my eyes and wiped them. I went out the bus and took my instrument into the band hall storage room. I then waited outside the main door to go in for the day. I could feel the stares of the other kids burning in my backside. That's when I noticed Matt had joined up with the group of guys that had been with Lucas.

He had brought his own group with him to make a formidable gang of kids. Matt was the leader that I spoke of earlier. As far as I could tell their entire goal in life was to see how miserable they could make other people. I was easily on the top of their list.

I could hear Lucas snickering to Matt how he had seen me crying on the bus after I got on. They were more than 10 feet away, but I could hear them fairly clearly. I developed very good hearing as a result of my torment – it was a defense mechanism. I saw them point at me right as the bell rang and I tried to hurry to my locker before anything else happened.

As I got to my locker I opened it quickly and grabbed my books, putting them into my backpack as quickly as I could. I closed my locker just in time to turn around and stare at Matt and Lucas right behind me.

"So I hear Baby Brandon made another appearance this morning. Maybe baby needs to go back to day care instead of Middle School?" Matt sneared at me. As he did so he grabbed my arm and shoved me into my locker. I landed on the other arm that hadn't been bruised right on top of one of the locker dials. I was instantly in tons of pain, and I knew that I had another bruise to match my other one.

I did my best to try not to cry – I knew that was what he wanted, but at that same moment he punched me in the stomach as he walked away from me. I was crying as I walked up the stairs to go to the second floor where my first class was. As I walked up to that class Mr. Krantz, my teacher, saw me.

Mr. Krantz asked, "Brandon why don't you go to the bathroom and wipe off your face?"

I nodded, "Thanks," and sniffled at the same time as I headed for the bathroom. I managed to regain control and went back to class… This was not going to be a good day.

When I went back to class and sat down I at least was in a sanctuary of the classroom now. This class was biology – my favorite academic subject of the day in most ways. Mr. Krantz was the hardest teacher I had ever had though. A point that was going to be made clear today.

"Morning everyone, I want to give you a chance to see what your grade is going to be when it comes out Friday. I'll call you up one at a time."

I sat there waiting as he went through the names until he got to the R's. "Brandon, your next." As I looked down at his paper I almost fainted… A C?!?!?!?!?!?

"Is that a mistake Mr. Krantz?"

"No Brandon, it looks like your vocab notes are what knocked your grade down. Make sure you write neatly next 9 weeks so we can get that grade up."

To say I was miffed would be to put it mildly. I could clearly see I wasn't the only one, and I was sure that nobody was getting an A in his class if I wasn't. I had been a mostly A student since 2^nd grade… A C did not sit well with me.

"Psst… Brandon." The girl next to me, Amy, said. "What did you get?"

"A stupid C..." I said as quietly as I could through my anger, trying not to lose it again. Thankfully I was too in shock to cry. "What did you get?"

"A B-, I had an 80% exactly. Laura got an 88% over there, she's the highest grade I've heard of so far." We were going to keep talking but Mr. Krantz gave us the teacher glare, so we both shut up.

A couple minutes later Mr. Krantz stood up at the front of the class and started talking. "Many of you are no doubt shocked at your grade, indeed some of you I was worried were going to faint." The jerk smiled as he said that… "In my class I take very literally the meaning of the names of the grades. An F is Failing – I handed out 5 of those in this class. He started graphing the numbers. A D is nearly failing, I handed out 7 of those to this class. A C is average, I handed out 13 of those in this class. A B is above average, I handed out 2 of those in this class. And finally an A is excellent and superior. I did not have any A's in this class this 9 weeks."

He continued to speak for 10 minutes on this topic before we moved on. I had a 79%, one stinking point away from being a B. It was clear I was going to have to work a lot harder to get an A in this class. I had the highest grade for a boy from what I gathered.

I went downstairs from Biology over to my social studies class. Amazingly I managed to make it without incident. Maybe today was going to improve? Mr. Randolph was my social studies teacher, and he smiled and said hi as each of us walked in. He was a different kind of teacher… in most ways he was actually probably a terrible teacher… but at least as class went on today I found out I had an A+ in his class. Of course it seemed like the only thing we did in his class was watch Americas funniest home videos…

I got out of that class to go to my favorite class – Band. I had just started playing saxophone this year and I was pumped about it! Mrs. Remar was also really good about keeping control of the bullies in my class – something I greatly appreciated. Especially since Matt also played saxophone. I was first chair though, which meant that I had some space between him and myself.

I sat down and we began playing a number out of the book. "Saxophones you're playing too loud!" Mrs. Remar seemed to love saying that… That period went well, I was excited about playing and having a good time in that class. I found out from Mrs. Remar that I was receiving an A in band, and also got to see her chew Matt out for doing something stupid… Maybe today was turning around.

I put my saxophone up quickly and took the shortcut from band to the choir room through her office. Having 2 electives as a 6^th grader was definitely nice.

Chapter 3:

I walked into the choir room and sat down on the front riser where I stood due to my short size. Mrs. Schultz greeted me as I came in. She was the one person in this school for whom I believe more students picked on than me… As a new teacher she was making just about every mistake in the book of mistakes, and making up some new ones. Even I would place bets on the likeliness that she would end up running to her office crying some days.

"Brandon, here, this a new piece we're going to sing. Go ahead and put it in your folder." She handed me a piece of music as she said that.

"Thanks Mrs. Schultz." I looked at the piece, it was called, 'All the pretty little horses…' Yeah that was a real manly song to sing I thought to myself. I was sure the other guys were going to have a field day with this piece. Oh well, I looked at it and thought it sounded like it was going to be a pretty piece.

Everyone joined me on the risers as they came in. Mrs. Schultz was in her office grabbing something when one of the boys next to me started snickering from some joke that a guy named Pete had said. I was really hoping that it didn't have anything to do with me. In the meantime another girl, Alicia, tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention.

"Brandon can I touch your hair?" I had my hair in the spiked hair style that was quickly fading from coolness, but was still unique. I wanted to say no – I didn't like people messing with it, but it was pretty much stuck up there so I said, "I guess."

"This feels so cool, I was expecting it to be hard and pointy, but it's actually really soft. Amy feel this!" Alicia said.

"Ooh, this isn't what I expected either, Brandon what do you do to make it stick up?" Amy asked.

"Well you know, I just stick my finger in the light socket everyday and it just does this. Hurts a bit for a second but it saves tons of time!" I said jokingly.

Amy and Alicia chuckled a bit. Amy said, "You know Brandon you can be funny sometimes, I wish more people gave you the chance to do so." She said sweetly making my face turn red.

"You're also the only guy I know that can blush like that!" She said making me really embarrassed. I didn't know what to think about this. I wasn't used to her paying any attention to me, I wasn't exactly in her social circle. Well… at the moment I wasn't really in any social circle!

"So really, what do you do?" She asked again.

"I just take a comb and some water and run it through it backwards. Then I spray some hairspray on. I used to have to put gel in it, but it does it on its own anymore." I replied.

"Cool," She responded.

Soon about 4 of them were enjoying the fact that my hair stuck straight up but wasn't stiff. I'd been spiking it for about 4 years now, so it really did do it on its' own. It was getting a little long now for it though (about an inch and a half long,) and I was going need to cut it if I wanted it to keep from having to gel it.

In the meantime one of the boys that had been laughing leaned over and told Jordan (another girl to my right) something to which she looked at me and started laughing… Yep whatever it was it had to do with me.

Soon Pete couldn't contain his humor anymore. "Brandon, have you seen the movie the Christmas Story?"

"Umm… no?" I replied cautiously. Whatever this was it wouldn't be good.

"Because other than your hair you look just like Ralphy," he said in a manner that wasn't nice.

Another boy, Robert, asked me, "so do you have a BB gun?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" I asked (I hadn't seen the movie before so I had no idea what was coming).

"Because you'll shoot your eye out!" He said. He and his friends laughed really hard. As well as the rest of the class.

Thankfully that was the moment that Mrs. Schultz decided to try and teach the class. She was a much better target than me. "Okay, up until now we've been singing songs with one part this year. The new piece I handed out has 3 parts, and I want to go ahead and split everyone up into their proper parts. For now I want all of the boys on my right side and all of the girls on my left side."

It was an amazing thing actually, we had about 10 boys in our choir class in addition to the 20 girls. You don't see that in a lot of choir programs. I moved over to the right side and we started working on the piece. About 5 minutes later she was working with the boys on their part and she heard me having trouble getting down low enough.

"Brandon, would you try singing this instead?" She had me singing the soprano part though I didn't know it yet.

"Okay," I said. I was very proud of how high I could sing. Looking back at it now I wished I had been in a part of the country that had a boys or even a childrens chorus that I could have joined. I had no problems reaching those pitches at all.

"Okay Brandon, would you move over next to Amy there?" I was petrified now… oh no… this skill backfired bigtime! Now I was going to get more crap from the kids about this. So much for things getting better this morning. I looked over at Amy as I walked over and she at least smiled at me. Behind me the other guys snickered. This couldn't get worse I thought.

Mrs. Schultz spoke up, "Now class Brandon has a lovely voice that at certain times in history would have meant he would have been treated like royalty. Boys that could sing high were accorded a very high place in the choirs that were in the kings courts…" I tuned it out, I was wrong, it could get worse. After 3 minutes of terribly screwing things up more for me we started singing again.

As class ended I left as quickly as I could, not looking or speaking to Mrs. Schultz as I left for lunch.

Chapter 4:

I got into the lunch line and heard snickering behind me. When I turned around it was Pete talking to Matt. Great.

"Brandon, just ignore them, they're just jealous." Amy appeared next to me speaking.

"That's easier said than done," I said trying to keep control of my voice. Couldn't anything go right in my life?

"Personally I like your voice, I think you can actually sing higher than I can." Amy said trying to cheer me up. I was kind of bewildered. It wasn't like we'd never talked before, but at the same time for her to talk to me in public was new and unexpected.

"Thanks Amy, I appreciate it."

"You're welcome."

We didn't say anything else as the line winded through lunch. I actually was feeling a little better about myself, one of the hottest girls in school was talking to me. I got my wonderfully healthy meal of French fries and went to have a seat by myself at a table as far away from Matt's thugs as I could.

I had one Fry to go when Matt and Lucas came up to me. "Hey Ralphy, don't shoot your eye out!"

A kid nearby asked, "Why are you calling Brandon, Ralphy?"

"Because he looks like Ralphy from the Christmas Story," Matt said as loudly as he thought he could get away with without being yelled at. "And he cries just as much too!" He said while grabbing my last fry and pushing me off of my seat.

"Matt!" A teacher said from across the room. "Come Here!"

I was beside myself and went from the cafeteria to the bathroom crying. I couldn't believe it, not only did I have a bad nickname I didn't want from a couple kids, it was going to spread through the school now. Not to mention Matt was going to blame his getting in trouble on me. I stayed in there for a couple minutes before one of the PE Coaches came to check on me.

"Brandon, are you alright bud?" Coach U asked.

"Yeah, I guess." I replied shakily.

"You've got to stop giving him what he wants. Anytime he can get a reaction out of you he's feeding off of it. If you can even at least keep from crying immediately after it you'll make some progress. Or, and I'm not saying this, stand up to him and push him back."

"He's twice my size though…" I said.

"Yes he is, and he may very well use that against you, but even just standing up to him will cause him to realize there are easier targets. Just think about it Brandon, I need you to go ahead and move on though, you can't stay in here. Matt will be out of your hair today and tomorrow – I can promise you that."

"Thanks Coach." I said as I left. I decided to go by the snack bar real quick to get a coke and a Reese's.

From there I went outside and found a spot on a 2 foot stucco wall we had outside and tried to stay out of sight. I managed to somehow succeed in that before having to go inside for PE. I went in and changed as quickly as I could – but not quite quickly enough.

"Hey Brandon, the girls locker room is on the other side of the gym," an 8^th grader named Bryce said.

"Ha ha you're very funny." I replied.

"I know I am, kind of like that face of yours," He said as I tried to get past him and go into the gym.

"Actually I understand I'm supposed to call you Ralphy now, I sure hope you don't shoot your eye out with that BB Gun of yours." He said as he finally let me walk by. As I walked by he tried to trip me, but thankfully that was one thing I was good at recovering from. I stumbled for a step but kept on going. I made it to the safety of my line and we began warming up.

Mrs. Bradley, our 58 year old PE teacher, got up to the front of the class and said, "Okay class today we're going to run the mile. Everyone will do 4 laps around the track and I'll time you." I groaned, I played soccer and could run for short distances at a time very well, but I was terrible at the mile.

We walked out the door and another kid tried tripping me. I again managed to avoid falling. We got to the starting line and she said go. I ran as well as I could, but I was much slower than any of the other boys. I managed to run it in 9 minutes and 20 seconds, that was the fastest I had run it.

By the time I was done I was exhausted and sat down on grass next to the track. Amazingly I wasn't the last person. That honor fell to the kids that didn't care and practically walked the whole way. A couple minutes later Nikki came and sat down next to me. She was the girl I mentioned earlier that was smaller than me. She was just shy of 4 feet tall, and was usually pretty nice to me.

"So Brandon are you going to go?" She asked in and excited manner.

"What are you talking about Nikki?" I asked.

"Haven't you had English yet?" She asked. I shook my head. "Well you'll find out more when you have English, but they're offering that trip to Florida this summer through the school. Ms. Fitzgerald came up from the elementary school for the day to talk to all of the 6^th graders that came from Maple Elementary. They'll call you out of class to talk to you. Since this was unexpected for us to go to the Jr. High instead of being at the elementary school again they decided to go ahead and offer the trip to us so we don't miss out."

So for those of you that are a little confused, our elementary school offered a trip every year that would be offered to 6^th graders. It was a really cool trip, and we all had hoped to be able to go. You had to pay/fundraise your own way to go though, so not a lot of people went. In April though our school board in all its wisdom decided to suddenly vote to move 6^th graders up to the Jr. High and stop it from being just 7^th and 8^th graders. That's a whole other fun subject, but one of the reasons we were all mad about it was this trip.

"So are you going?" I asked.

"I'm hoping to, I'll talk to my parents tonight about it. I'll tell you tomorrow what they say okay?" She said.

"Yeah, that would be so cool." I now had a reason to look forward to going to 6^th hour!

I had been to Disneyland in California the previous summer for the first time and it had been really cool. The previous summer had actually marked a huge change for my family. My dad had worked at his company for 10 years now, and they got bought out by a larger company. In doing so he had to cash out his pension that he had saved up.

This had enabled us to move out of the trailer I had grown up in and into a real house. My parents had also surprised me in July with a trip to Disneyland. I had grown up in New Mexico, and had never been outside of the Four Corners states previously. My parents weren't rich though, so I didn't know whether or not we could afford this. Still… maybe, just maybe!

I talked with her for a few more minutes. It was kind of funny because the 2 of us were like a couple days apart in age (she was older) – between that and our height I had always been friends with her. We talked about how we were excited about how band was going so far. (She played flute) Class wrapped up pretty soon after that and I went into the locker room to change.

After a 4 minute hell section where I discovered that Ralphy was definitely going to stick I managed to get out of there without any more physical violence against me.

Chapter 5:

I hurried on to my English class, going down the one hallway that connected that wing to the main school, and down another to get to the oldest wing of the school and up the staircase. This led to the room of Mr. Tamera, probably the worst English teacher of all time. To get you to shut up he'd say, 'shut the mouth.' The more I think about it I had a lot of bad teachers that year!

I sat down in my chair, and after he called roll he called those of us from Maple Elementary to go down the hall to an empty classroom where Ms. Fitzgerald was waiting.

"Hi Ms. Fitzgerald," I said as I walked up and gave her a hug. She had been one of the few teachers who had really tried – and somewhat succeeded – to keep my life from being as tough even though I wasn't even in her class (she had taught 6^th grade but chose to stay at the elementary). Right behind me Amy did the same thing – most of the kids did. There were about 8 students in there. I saw they had not invited some of the students, like Matt and Lucas, who were from that school too. I wasn't going to complain.

"How are you all doing?" She asked. "You've all grown a bunch since I saw you all last year. Well I'm guessing most of you have heard about what's going on by now, but just in case here it is!" She said enthusiastically but not condescendingly, as only a good teacher can.

"We've received permission to offer the Florida Experience trip to you guys even though you're not at the elementary anymore. We decided to only offer it to students that passed all of their classes last year and were from Maple Elementary. The district approved that and we're going to do it that way!" She smiled as she said that.

"I won't keep you long, but basically if you go you'll go for 6 days and 5 nights to Orlando, Fl. We'll go to Disney World, Kennedy Space Center, Universal Studios, and the beach among other things. Your parents are welcome to come along if they want to. We're willing to help you setup fundraisers, but you do have to pay for it on your own. Do any of you think your parents might be interested?"

Amy, Kyle, and I raised our bands. The other kids shook their heads, I don't think their parents had a chance of affording it, and they knew it unfortunately. I didn't honestly think my parents could either, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. I looked at the stuff that they gave me, it was only $700! That was cheap and I knew it.

As we left Amy spoke to me briefly, "Brandon that would be so exciting if we could all go together, and we won't have any of those jerks with us either it looks like!"

"Yes that would be nice wouldn't it?" I replied and we went separate ways. My thoughts had paralleled hers. There was a meeting next week, I hoped I could get my parents to go to it!

I got back to class getting plenty of stares of "why did he get to go?" But I couldn't answer even if they asked, Mr. Tamera was droning on about some stupid tense thing. I understood it within 1 minute of his 26 minute lecture I had to hear. I got the feeling he had droned on 14 minutes before that too! All in his broken English. Shouldn't an English teacher be able to speak English?!?

I left that class still on a high from my hopes of the trip still. I got to Math and did my homework quickly while he talked on. I had my homework done and still 30 minutes of class to go. I checked the odd answers with the ones in the back of the book and fixed any I had wrong and looked and saw I still had 25 minutes. One of my other nemesis was sitting behind me and started giving me crap.

"Jeff, leave me alone okay?" I said. He was a jerk, and a wannabe cool kid. While he was a rung higher on the chain than I was, he wasn't much higher. He wasn't much higher because he was a fat oaf to put it nicely…

"Why, Ralphy, what are you going to do? You're just a wimp!"

"Just knock it off!"

"And what if I don't?" He asked. I'd had enough today, he was going to get it.

I stood up and reached down and grabbed the hair on the top his head and yanked as hard as I could.

"OWWWW!!! Stop that!" He cried. The other kids nearby were watching and all amazed that I was actually successfully taking on one of my antagonists.

"Then you promise me you'll stop picking on me!" I suggested to him.

"Alright, I won't do it anymore." He fairly cried.

I turned around in my desk expecting to be getting sent to the office by my teacher, but Mr. Martin just turned around at that moment and looked at me. He gave me a wink and got back to doing something on his desk. I couldn't believe it, I actually accomplished something and got away with it! That never happens.

I ran to the bus after grabbing my saxophone as quick as I could once the bell rang. As I got on the bus I heard kids talking about my 'Fight' with Jeff. It certainly earned me a bit of respect. I still got called Ralphy as I got on the bus though, so I knew it wasn't enough to get away from it. But progress is progress right?

I shouldn't have thought I got away so cleanly for the day. As I was getting off the bus I saw Matt was behind me. How did he get on my bus? He doesn't even ride this bus I thought!

I tried to hurry across the street and get down the block to my house but he caught me just after crossing the street. "Hey Brandon hold up! I still owe you for what you did to me earlier!" He said while he grabbed at my backpack.

I couldn't go anywhere at that point so I turned around. "What did I do to you?!? If I remember correctly you were the one picking on me!"

"Ooh we're talking back now that we fought like a girl to beat up Jeff huh?" He said pushing me backwards. I stumbled but managed to stay on my feet. I was frantically trying to think of a way to get away from him.

"No, I'm just sick of your shit is all." I replied. I slowly walked backward to a yard that had some rocks in it.

"Ooh you think you're all big now cussing at me? Well let's get this over with runt. Because of you I was in ISS today, and I'll be in the same place tomorrow and Monday!" And with that he started to rush towards me. I decided I had one chance, to use his movement against him.

If I could trip him he would be falling the opposite way as my house. Which might give me enough of a head start to make it home… Everything slowed down, and I did a move that I used in soccer to fake out my opponents. I leaned in the opposite direction as I was going and he fell for it. I then stuck out my leg and he bowled over 2x head over heels.

Of course, I didn't see that part because I was already running as fast as I could for home. I got my key out of my pocket in the hope I could make it there, unlock the door, and lock it before he got there. I needn't have worried that much because when I got to my door I saw he was nowhere nearby me. Still the same I decided not to chance it and locked the door quickly behind me.

I collapsed, crying on my bed, could I not get any peace?

Chapter 6:

I woke up to mom standing in the doorway. She could clearly tell that I had been crying again. I was sure that she had also heard about earlier and as she saw me stir she came over toe my bed and gave me a hug.

"Sweety, what happened?" Part of me hated it when she called me that, but part of me liked it for some reason.

I related to her all of the bullying crap that had happened to me that day. When I told her about what happened with Matt after school. She immediately got on the phone and called her boss to find out why that kid had been allowed on the bus. He said he would look into it. After a quick dinner I put on my clothes for soccer practice.

Soccer was the only sport I liked to play. In all honesty it was the only one I had even a modest amount of skill in – as I couldn't catch or throw to save my life. I was a defensive sweeper. Even though I was small I managed to get the ball away more often than not from my opponents and pass it to the offensive players. We were hoping our team could make the city championships this year.

It was a coed team and I said hi to all of my friends as I got there. The nice thing about my soccer team is that they were all the same age as I was, meaning that I was the only one in 6^th grade, the rest were in 5^th grade. I'd been playing with the same teammates for 4 years now, and we all pretty much got along. We had an awesome coach that understood that sports should be fun. Yes hard work was involved, but there was the human aspect to it that so many coaches didn't have.

We went through a lot of drills that night using cones and having other people try and get past with the balls, as well as some goal shooting against our goalie.

I went through practice and was thoroughly exhausted when I was done. I came home and sat down at the kitchen table with a bottle of Gatorade.

"Ooh I almost forgot!" I exclaimed and ran to where my backpack was to get the stuff about the trip out.

"Ms. Fitzgerald came up from the elementary school to give this to us today!" I showed my mom and dad who were both sitting at the table. "I'd get to go to Florida and see Kennedy Space Center! They even take us to Space Camp!" I said excitedly. It had been a dream of mine to go to space camp ever since I watched the movie by the same title.

My dad looked at it and said, "I don't know, it's not cheap."

My mom looked at him and said, "Well I don't know that he would ever have this chance again though. This is really a once in a lifetime chance to do all of this at his age."

My dad looked at us and said, "Okay we can look into it, I'm not saying yes though."

I hugged him and sat back down, knowing to push it any further at this point would be a good way to get a no. "So what's this I hear about you fighting today?" My dad asked.

"Umm… it wasn't really fighting…" I continued to relate the events of the day, though not as thoroughly as with mom. I didn't talk to him as much about stuff. In all honesty he was at his jobs beck and call 24 hours a day most of the time, which meant I didn't see him nearly enough.

Afterwards he looked at me and said, "Maybe I should find this Matt kid and teach him some manners." Flexing his muscles…

I had little doubt that he would think about doing that, but mom and I said, "That's a bad idea, then you would just get in trouble."

"Well, let me know if you have any more trouble with him and we'll deal with it." Just at that time the phone rang and mom picked it up.

"Brandon it's for you!" Covering the microphone she whispered to me, "it's a girl!"

I blushed and took it in the other room away from prying ears. Who would be calling me?

"Hello?"

"Hey Brandon? This is Amy." Amy was calling me? My heart just about stopped.

"Hi," I somehow kept from stammering.

"Hey I heard something and wanted to make sure you were okay. Someone said that Matt got on your bus and tried to jump you today. Are you okay?" She asked, very concerned.

"Yeah, I managed to trip him and run home as quickly as I could. How did you hear about it?"

"Well, Halley called Lindsey, and Lindsey called me, and told me that Matt tried to beat you up after school, but he was the one that got beat up."

"HUH??" I asked.

"Apparently when you tripped him he went head over heels and hit his face against the concrete. The rumor going around is that he broke his nose!" She said giggling.

"No way… Great, now he'll really be after me." I said.

"Actually, I have a feeling you'll be alright for a while, apparently the police came by just before you ran off and saw him attempt to attack you. They were the ones that took him to the Emergency Room."

"I can't believe that they didn't come down and try and talk to me." I said.

"Well Halley's dad, who is a cop, said that they're going to come by the school tomorrow and talk to you to see if you want to press charges. They watched the whole thing go down and saw him clearly attack you. This could mean we could get rid of him finally!" She said.

"Wow, I don't know what to say. I'm still scared he's going retaliate. So is this all over school already?" I asked.

"Yeah, the fact that you 'beat up' Jeff and Matt in the same day is making waves around the phones today."

I smiled, "Well neither are true, but maybe people will back off a bit for a while." I paused and then decided to see if she would talk about anything else, "So what are you up to besides checking on me?"

We struck up a conversation and talked for 15 minutes before her mom started nagging her to get off the phone. "Brandon I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

"Okay, talk to you later!" I hung up the phone, happier than I had been in years. I told mom and dad about what I heard and they both decided that meeting the principals tomorrow would be a good idea. I went to bed dreaming that maybe the next day would be better.

Chapter 7:

That next day was Friday, so much for TGIF? When I got to school kids were whispering behind my back like I was some sort of alien that inhabited Brandon's body.

First hour came and went without incident. During 2^nd period I got called to come down to the office where I saw my parents waiting. We went in together to talk to the Principal, Mrs. Hinther. My dad made clear, in no uncertain terms, that Matt was to be nowhere near me ever again in this school. He added that if this stuff didn't stop they would be hiring an attorney to sue the district for not doing its' job of protecting students.

Following both my parents rants, and my own rant of facts that she asked, she assured my parents that though she could not talk about another students disciplinary action, she would go ahead and make sure we didn't come in contact at all. She switched his schedule completely around, dropping him from band as well.

At that point in the meeting the school resource officer came in and took a statement from me, and my parents filled out the forms to file charges against him. He said it should be a pretty clear cut case since the officers had filed their own reports of what they observed – they all lined up with my statement perfectly.

We finished up during 3^rd hour and I returned to choir right after the meeting let out.

Mom let me know that she had found out from the bus yard boss that he would not be allowed on a bus for the remainder of the school year. Mom also let my driver have a piece of her mind the night before… Crossing an only child's parents is tantamount to messing with a grizzly bear who has cubs!

When I got to choir I stood by Amy who asked what had happened. I told her before class started. Pete asked, "So is it true Brandon? Did you really beat up Matt?"

"Well, I tripped him and he went flying if that's what you mean?" The kids were all very impressed with this. But I knew it wasn't going to solve my problems. I knew for a fact that Lucas was talking a lot of threats towards me to get even. Matt had been removed from school pending expulsion hearings, and so he had become the leader by natural selection. Still…

Mrs. Schultz interrupted our conversation and said, "Okay we need to get started."

We sang and worked on the piece for about 10 minutes before she got mad about something and stormed into her office crying.

I whispered to Amy, "I feel bad for her, but I have to say I'm glad to see there's one other person on this campus that gets picked on more than I do!" She snickered. We both agreed she was a terrible teacher. That was something we'd talked about the night before.

We talked to each other back and forth for the rest of the period before the bell rang and we went to lunch. Lucas came up to the line behind Amy and I and asked, "Amy why are you hanging out with this loser?"

"I don't know which loser you're referring to. The only one I'm seeing present is you." She replied nonchalantly.

He started to open his mouth to reply but stopped as a teacher came over and said, "Lucas I don't believe you were in that spot in line. Go back to the end."

Lucas tried arguing with the teacher but gave way eventually. I got my food and went to the table farthest away from anyone again. As I set my food down though, I saw Amy coming along with some of her friends. "Brandon may we sit with you?"

"Sure." I said… I wasn't really sure what to do. This was strange. We sat and talked through lunch, eventually moving outside and sitting together on the grass. I decided to go get something to drink from the snack bar and started walking back inside. On my way in there I ran into Matt's 'girlfriend,' Eliza.

"Brandon why are you sticking your chest out like that, what are you trying to look like a girl? I guess that makes sense, that's how you fight, cry, and act."

I was dumbstruck, my day had been going so relatively well. I managed to get inside to the bathroom before breaking down for a few minutes. I came out and found Amy waiting by the door.

"Brandon, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I guess. I'm just tired of getting crap all the time. I was hoping it would get better today. I guess I should have known better." I said while looking down at my feet.

"Brandon, look, you are an awesome guy, and I'm really proud to have you as my friend. Can you trust me on something?"

I thought for a second then nodded, "I guess."

"You are so much cooler than they are it's sickening. You're also the sweetest guy I know. You've put up with so much crap, and I'm sorry it keeps happening. But, know that I'll be here for you okay?"

"Thanks," I said meekly.

"Now I'm guessing you want to get that drink before the snack bar closes?" She asked.

"Sure," I said and then got into line. Once we had gotten my drink she walked back outside with me. From that point forward in the year it was an odd time to see one of us without the other at lunch.

I managed to somehow make it through the rest of the day without incident. Lucas didn't ride the bus for some reason that day, meaning I didn't have to worry about anything that day at the bus stop. What a week.

Chapter 8:

When I got home I went inside and sat down at the computer. I got on the internet and just started looking around. I saw there was a new video game coming out and would have to ask for it for Christmas. I got bored and decided to go and play with some toys. Yes I know I was in 6^th grade, but really who doesn't still want to play with legos!?

I sat down building something or another and thought about what had happened that day. Liza's words were still ringing in my ears for some reason. I kept running her exclamation through my brain again and again, "Why are you sticking your chest out like that for, are you trying to look like a girl?"

I had read a Star Wars book a couple weeks before that the author had written something like, "if someone calls you a hutt once, ignore them. If someone calls you a Hutt twice start to wonder, and if someone calls you a Hutt a third time, buy a drool bucket and start stockpiling spice."

It was honestly making me wonder. I had been getting called a girl so often, and now that statement… To be honest to you, the reader, I had for many years fantasized being a little kid again. Event back to being a baby again, because those were the last times I remembered really being happy. I'd been picked on so many times. Perhaps if I'd been a girl…

Really… perhaps if I'd been a girl life would have been better. I got it into my head that girls aren't constantly beating each other up, they're not constantly picking on one girl. I got up from my toys and went to the bathroom. As I stood washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared for several minutes.

What would I look like if I was a girl? I looked at my body and noted that I was small enough that if I had longer hair maybe I could get away with looking like one. Ah it was no use… Even though I was probably the most clueless person on sex, I still knew that my parts didn't look like a girls parts…

I kept thinking about it. Hair might be the key to me looking more like a girl… About that time I heard mom come in and she asked me how my day went. I told her everything but Liza's comment. I decided I wanted to think about her statement without having any other problems. I didn't have soccer practice that night so we went and rented some movies.

She had rented some 'chick flick,' and I rented a kids movie. I grumbled at watching the sappy movie, but in all honesty I enjoyed it more… That disturbed me slightly and added to the conundrum that I was thinking about.

When the movie was over mom announced that it was time to take my bath, since I had a soccer game tomorrow. I sat down in the bath and thought more about the idea of being a girl instead of a boy. On one hand I thought kids would probably make fun of me a lot for trying to be a girl… but really how much more could I get picked on?

Mom and dad were already talking about taking me out of school and home schooling me or something. If it wasn't for band I was sure they would have pulled me out this week. I was already thinking about using that argument to get them to buy me a flute. At the beginning of the summer I had really wanted to play either flute or clarinet – I had done really well on both of them when I had tried them at the music store. But they had bought me the saxophone hoping that kids would have one less thing to make fun of me.

It honestly didn't matter, as they said 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't.' It was a fact of life. Though I did see some light at the end of the tunnel if people recognized that I wasn't quite helpless after having 'beat up' 2 guys in one day. I tossed and turned most of the night, that night I dreamed of how great it would be to have long hair like a girl. Even if I couldn't –be- a girl, I could maybe kind of look like one?

Chapter 9

The morning came too soon, mom pretty much had to drag me out of bed and to the sink to brush my teeth. I ate breakfast quickly and then got dressed to go to the soccer game. We got down to the field early and I warmed up with my teammates. Before I knew it we started the game. I was playing sweeper on our side of the field.

The game went fast and furious, with me getting the ball off our side of the field more often than not. At one point a player ran down the field with the ball and I kicked it hard. The player went one direction (towards the ground,) and the ball went flying to my friend, Brittany, and she went the rest of the way for a goal. The coach gave me a huge pat on the back for that one. Brittany was one of the 2 girls that were on the team. The other's name was Sarah. I had grown up as friends with Brittany since she went to the same church as we did at the time.

I thought to myself, I could be the third girl on the team! That thought only distracted me for a few moments though, as the ball was soon heading back and forth across the field some more. The game ended with us up 7-1, and we all went out for ice cream to celebrate.

Mom had come to the game, but dad hadn't… big surprise. He did some work for a friends company on the side occasionally, and they had called him wanting help again that night. He had been there since Midnight, and hadn't gotten home by the time we left. I was beginning to kind of resent that other job. But I wasn't going to let that get me down today. The next game we were going to play would be for the city tournament. That was going to take place over the next 2-3 Saturdays, depending on how we played.

The coach told us to make sure we made it to the practices that week, it was important that we be there. When we left the Dairy Queen where we had gotten ice cream I sat back in my seat in the car thinking about all of the things that had happened that week.

When I got home I decided to play a computer game since Dad wasn't there to monopolize it! I had a Star Wars game that I was playing. I loved games based on space or flight in general. I played that for a few hours until dinner, when I decided to go read a book of some sort.

I thought about it for a bit and decided to read one of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. I found myself thinking not just of growing up at the time, but growing up as a girl at the time. I found myself thinking more and more that night about being a girl. Truth be told as I thought about it there had always been a nagging part of my brain that had wanted this.

There were several opportunities that I had turned down to wear girls clothing… not because I didn't want to, but because I was scared of what people would think. Another night passed of this, and then I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up after my parents did. I found I was sleeping later and later these days, my parents were frequently making the comments that they didn't know how I could sleep that long! Mom made me some French toast that I ate as I sat down and looked at the comics. She left the room to go do something and dad was gone to a store for some things.

It was at that moment that I caught sight of the ad from JC Penney. It had girls clothes on the front of it. I looked at the ad with the girls in their clothes and thought about how great it would be to wear those form fitting shirts. They looked neat. They looked a lot neater than what I was wearing. I flipped the pages and for the first time looked at the pages with bras and panties. I thought that would be strange to wear, but kind of wanted to try it.

I turned to the walmart ad and looked at some of the toys that were for girls to play. The dolls seemed kind of bizarre to me, but at the same time I could still see playing with them. They also had some legos in there for girls. More and more I was getting curious, but I knew there was no way I could talk about this with anyone. I would get yelled at… and who knows what else. Dad had always talked about homosexuals with utter hate. What would he think about his son wanting to be a girl?

I decided that I did want to check and see if there were any internet sites that discussed this online. But I would have to wait until tomorrow when mom and dad were gone after school. They said there was an internet site for everything, perhaps I could learn more about my problem there.

In the meantime I had some practicing to catch up on, I hadn't been practicing as much the past couple days. I worked on my book and music for saxophone for 2 hours that day and used that as a distraction so I didn't have to think about my problems. I also did that dreaded homework that day – my science teacher had given us yet more vocab to copy into our notebooks… I was still mad that he gave me a C!

Chapter 10:

The next day was actually fairly uneventful. I hung out with Amy at lunch time, as well as her other friends. I definitely felt like we were becoming close friends, but didn't know if that would mean we would be boyfriend/girlfriend? I honestly wasn't interested in that at this point.

I had gone home that day and started looking up my situation on the internet. I quickly discovered there were a lot of others out there like me. I also discovered there was a name, transgendered. I looked through the sites and couldn't decide if I really qualified for that statement or not. I also found a number of stories that I enjoyed of boys being turned into girls by their mothers for various reasons.

Many of the stories involved boys in similar situations that became more accepted when they became girls. I didn't know what to think about it, since I felt it was probably wrong to feel this way. My Christian upbringing just didn't really allow for me to feel completely alright with these thoughts. That still didn't stop me from daydreaming and watching the girls more and more to figure out what it would be like though! I also discovered that it was possible, by surgery and hormones, to make yourself look like you had been born a girl.

I had a dream one night that I kept rolling over in my head over and over again. It was based on a time when I was about 5 at my cousins house.

***********************************************

We pulled up into their driveway and walked into their house. I saw my aunt sitting at the kitchen table. "Where are Abby and Annie?" I asked.

"They're outside swimming in the swimming pool." I looked outside and saw they had a 3 foot pool setup outside on the lawn.

"Mommy can I go swimming?" I asked.

"Sweetie, we didn't bring your swimsuit, so I'm sorry you won't be able to go."

"But mommy, I really want to go! Can we go buy a swimsuit?"

"No honey, we don't have any extra money, and I'm sure they'll be done swimming by the time that we got back. Why don't you go watch TV for now?"

"But mommy!" I started to throw a fit.

"Mandy, he could borrow one I guess."

"Really?" I stopped sobbing a little.

"He could probably borrow one of Annie's swimsuits." My aunt suggested.

"But that's a girls suit…" I said. "Do you have anything else?"

"Well uncle Bill's got the only other thing big enough and his is going to be too big for you."

I stood still for a few moments thinking about it. "Okay, can I borrow one of Annie's?" I looked up at mom to see if she would be okay with it. She shrugged her shoulders and nodded. (It had after all ended my tantrum)

"Well, let's go up and see if one of them will fit you."

We walked back to her bedroom and looked in her dresser. She held up a pink swimming suit with purple polka dots on it. When she held it next to me she said, "It looks like it'll fit, do you want to try it on?"

I nodded timidly. She told me how to step into it and pull the straps up. She led me to the bathroom where I pulled off all of my clothes and put it on. I liked the way it fit. I had a type of haircut that was a unisex cut (it was a little short for a girl, but there were many with this style too), and I kind of looked like a girl in the mirror.

I went down the hall and my mom and aunt saw me. They gave me a hard time about looking 'cute' and 'pretty' before telling me to go ahead outside. Annie and Abby kind of gave me a funny look, but Annie said, 'you stole my suit!" smiling while she said it. "You look pretty in it."

We were playing in the pool….

********************************************

I never got any farther than that since mom woke me up. It was the first of many dreams that I was wearing girls clothing. I also based a lot of my daydreams off of this, since it was really close to what had really happened. My aunt really had offered to let me wear her swimming suit… but I had been too scared and hung up, so I had ended up going in my jean shorts instead. It became a really happy dream to think of during the day!

As the week progressed the meeting about the Earth Shuttle trip came up quickly. My mom decided to go check out the meeting and dragged my dad along. They came out of the meeting telling me that they wanted to do it, my dad just had to crunch some more numbers.

That weekend they called me into the kitchen and told me to pull up a chair.

Dad said, "Okay Brandon, we think we can do this trip, but we have a few ground rules that we need to set down first."

"YES!!! Okay, what are your rules?"

Mom answered first, "Well first of all we're both going to go on the trip with you." I stared at her for a second half wondering if I should be mad… but I decided it would make life better so I wouldn't have to worry about something bad happening.

"Okay. What else?" I asked

Dad answered this time, "You have to fundraise as much as you can. In all honesty this is going to push us to the breaking point this year. But we've decided that this is an opportunity that won't come up again. If you promise that you'll do your best to fundraise we'll go ahead and pay the deposit to Ms. Fitzgerald on Monday."

"Okay, I'll do whatever fundraising I have to do. If I have to go up and down every street in town I'll do it! You guys are awesome!" I gave them both a hug and when I left started day dreaming of what it would be like to go to all of those places.

I went to bed also thinking of how wonderful it would be to go on the trip as a girl instead of a guy…

Chapter 11: 2 Weeks later

It was Saturday, we had just gotten done with our 2^nd set of city tournament games. We learned just 2 hours ago that we were going to be playing 2 games next Saturday. If we won the first we would go to the Final match for the championship. If we lost that one we would play another for 3^rd place.

On our way home from the game Mom said, "Brandon, your hair's getting pretty long. We're going to need to cut it when we get home unless you want to start doing something different with it."

"What else could I do with it mom?"

"Well I suppose you could grow it out to the bowl cut that everyone has now to start with."

"Okay, that sounds good. Let's do that." Mom kind of gave me a strange look, I hadn't wanted to do anything else with my hair for the past 2 years. This seemed like a sudden change. I thought that maybe I could use the bowl cut for a first step on my new goal of growing it down to my shoulders.

A few minutes later I decided that I would take this one step at a time. I figured out that by the time I got to December it should be at about 5 inches long – almost longer than the "bowl cut" mom had suggested. When she asked about cutting it then I would say I just wanted it trimmed! And get them to let me grow it the rest of the way out.

I had begun looking for guys in the media and in movies with long hair so that I could emulate them. Or at least say that I was! It was funny, the past 2 weeks I was getting less and less crap due to my run in with Matt and Jeff. The comments hadn't stopped, but no one was getting physically violent with me anymore. I think they all believed deep down that I was a wimp still, but they were all nervous to push it.

More than anything else – damage or not, the loss of face to those two made people not want to try me. That was giving me some courage to go ahead and grow my hair out.

I had continued hanging out with Amy at school at any chance I got. We both talked and both agreed we were just friends, not wanting to date each other. She became my first girl 'girlfriend.'

That fall my team won the city championship soccer tournament for our age group. It was really cool, they gave us medals and everything!

By December mom had to trim the front of my hair to keep it from getting in my eyes. I loved the fact that I basically had bangs now if I combed my hair forward. It had gotten to the point where it was 7 inches long. Definitely a bit longer than the bowl cut. It was beginning to come down my neck, I was guessing it would definitely be shoulder length by the time we went on the trip.

I was still trying to decide how to justify getting it longer to my parents when I got a great excuse in the form a Christian Rock Band. 2 of the guys in the group had their hair down to their back. I started point out to my mom and dad how cool it would be to play in a group like that. I used that as the excuse point and my parents reluctantly bought into it. I still fought it a bit, but things were generally going pretty well on that fight.

My first act of my attempt to at least look a bit more like a girl was going according to plan.

Part II: March 1995

Chapter 12:

It had been an interesting few months since September. I had basically two camps of people that I had dealt with, the girls and the guys. Wonder that. The guys began razzing me pretty hard about the length of my hair. One such incident happened the day before spring break.

"Ralphy," Lucas had cornered me, "I used to call you a girl because you were such a wimp. Now I'm sure that you must be one – or want to be with your hair like that!" I attempted to get by him to go to Biology, but he blocked the way.

"Go away Lucas, I don't have time for your crap." I said as I tried getting by him again.

"Or what, the little girlie will start crying to her mommy? Or you'll fight me like the girl that you are? I'm real scared." He said this as I once again tried pushing past him.

"You know, even if I was really a girl I know that I could take care of you just as easily as your pal Matt." He looked taken aback that I was speaking up to him already. The incident with Matt seemed to bring a spark of uncertainty to his eyes. "Now, you can either move aside, or try to beat me up. I'm not going to take any more of your pathetic trash talk." Yeah, I'd grown up a bit since September… Now if only he would move out of my way…

"Well, Ralphy, I guess I'll let you go for now, but you watch out." He said this as he turned around and started to walk away. I noticed that part of the reason for his retreat was the principal coming towards us. Oh well, if nothing else I didn't get beaten up, that was a start right?

I walked up the staircase to class. I got in there a minute early and started talking to Amy.

"Brandon, I can't believe it, I think Lucas was actually afraid of you!" Amy said.

I forced myself to chuckle, "Yeah, boy I'm glad he doesn't realize nothing has changed! I'm still just as short as I was at the beginning of the year, and I've lost weight even… I'm even less of a threat now than I was then!"

She laughed a bit too. "Hey, what are you doing over the break?" She asked.

"Well we're going to stay at home. My parents can't really afford to go anywhere with the trip this summer. You?" I asked, knowing that money would definitely not keep her from going anywhere. Her mom was a doctor and her dad was a lawyer. There was certainly no lack in money at her house.

"Mom and Dad have to work next week, so I'm stuck at home." She paused for a second as if pondering something. "Would you like to come hang out at my house on Monday?"

I didn't know what to say. I hadn't been invited over to anyone's house in a long time, let alone a girls house. What would we do? What would the other kids say? I spoke without thinking any further though, "Sure! Where is your house?"

"It's down…" It turns out she only lived 3 blocks away in a nicer section of houses behind our house. She wrote down directions during class, and wrote noon down.

"Amy, thanks for being such a great friend! I'm really excited to come over." I somehow kept from squealing with the glee that I felt.

We walked down the hall and the stairs together before splitting off to our separate classes. I couldn't believe it, she was a real friend that was really inviting me to come over to her house to hang out! Over the past few months we had reaffirmed to each other that neither of us wanted to date the other, but were just good friends. Still, this was the first time that we were going to have seen each other outside of school.

I had been quiet the past few months to most people in my classes. That was part of why I think that bullies had been giving me a wider berth for the most part. My novelty as a target had worn off. My hair had also given me a bit of a status bump as well. It was almost down past the bottom of my neck now, and a lot of the girls had decided I looked like a rock star.

What I did know was that it was becoming harder to comb in the morning. Mom said something about taking me to go look for some hair care stuff today when she got home. I didn't know what she meant, but I hoped it would be something else that would get me closer to my real goal of being more like a girl.

This was all running through my head when I walked into Social Studies. The class was normally a waste of time, but with everyone being excited about getting off for break it was even more pointless. We got through the class after having to do a crossword puzzle while yet another episode of America's funniest home videos played.

Leaving there I went over to the band hall for band practice. Mrs. Remar made us practice up till the last minute of the period. She was getting us ready to go to contest next month, something that sounded both cool and scary at the same time. I had maintained my first chair status, and with some lessons I was taking had gotten through stuff second year students were learning.

I went through the period thoroughly distracted, thinking of going over to Amy's house, but getting my parts right. I put my saxophone away and hurried to choir. Mrs. Schultz knew that she had no control over her classes, so she chose to show a movie that day to avoid the fight. That took me to lunch.

Amy and I sat with her friends talking at lunch, in what had become normal for us. One of our friends, Rachel, asked me. "So Brandon, how long are you going to grow your hair out?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know, I'm kind of thinking I'll let it get to here," I said while motioning the just below my shoulders. "It's not as long as I want it yet, so we'll see."

"I think it would be awesome if you grew it out that long. You look cute with longer hair. Much better than that spike you'd worn since forever." Nikki said.

I turned bright red and the girls all giggled. "Thanks, I think." I said. They started talking about their favorite movies. I just kind of sat there and took in what they were talking about. Lunch seemed to fly by quickly that day, but everything else certainly dragged on forever. It seemed like 3 days had passed between then and when the bell rang after school.

I got my saxophone and ran to the bus. I was truly ecstatic that the break was here now, especially now that I had Monday to look forward to. I had Amy's directions in my pocket and nothing could stop me from having a good day going home. Not even some snide comments from Lucas talking about the girl named Ralphy on the way home.

Once I crossed the major street that ran between my block and the bus stop I started skipping for some reason. I didn't even notice it until I got halfway home. I turned around hoping no one had been watching. Thankfully, no one had. I got home and threw my backpack and jacket by the door, got some water, and sat down at the computer.

I had found a new site yesterday that talked about ways of hiding the fact that I was a boy. From what I had read, it was possible to keep my body from becoming as masculine if I started on female hormones in the next couple years. I didn't know if it was possible or not, but my goal was to somehow let my parents know my thoughts by the time I turned 13… That was my brick wall I was afraid to hit.

Mrs. Schultz had given me a miserable thought the day before when she said that often times boys with high voices got the lowest voices once puberty set in… I was scared that would happen to me if I waited too long beyond that.

Since September I had begun to do a lot of little things different. For one, I had stopped drinking coke every day. I was drinking like 4 cokes after school every day, plus cokes at lunch, and I was afraid I was going to get fat – and consequently not be able to be a cute girl. My mother was not exactly the skinniest individual and I didn't want to become like her (she wasn't really fat, but she wasn't skinny).

That brings me to something that had been a huge nuisance for me. I read in story after story about boys being able to try on their mother's clothes. I wish I had their mothers, I didn't even bother trying because I knew everything would be too big. I also didn't have a sister, so there was no chance for me to act out on this desire to dress like a girl. It was truly driving me insane.

I heard a car door slam outside and instantly began closing the window that I had open. I also started quickly cleaning out any trace of the sites I had gone to. We only had one computer that was in the family room, so I had to be careful not to let my parents figure out what I was looking at online. I had little doubt there would have been huge consequences imposed on me if they did.

Chapter 13:

As Mom came in the door she asked, "Brandon, are you ready to go?"

I had almost forgotten that she wanted to go shopping for some stuff for my hair! "Umm… sure, let me get my shoes on."

"Take your time, I need to go to the bathroom real quick before we leave," she answered.

I ran to put my shoes on real quick and then we left to go to the store. I wasn't exactly sure which store at that moment though. "Mom, where are we going anyway?"

"We're going to Walmart."

"And what exactly are we getting?" I asked tentatively.

"Well, since you insist on growing your hair out we need to get a few things for you to take better care of your hair. Up till a couple months ago, you could just use your shampoo, a comb, and some hairspray and it worked, but now that it's longer we're going to need to do more."

I sat their dumbstruck, was this really happening? Maybe she'd buy me my own hair brush today! Who knows what else? We got to the busy parking lot and went inside. I suddenly was a little self conscious as we went into an aisle of the store that I couldn't truly feel comfortable as a guy.

"Well first thing we need to do is get you a hair brush, which one do you want." She pointed to 3 of them, one black, one purple, and one in a teal-blue.

I actually had a number of things that were purple, including a jacket that I was wearing, and decided I wanted the purple one. "That one." She kind of looked at me strange but went with it, putting it in the cart. She also grabbed a small collapsible one that came in black and put it in the cart.

"You should have one in your backpack just in case you need to brush it elsewhere."

I smiled and said, "That's a good idea." I looked around at the rubber bands and other hair ties that were in the area. I saw a lot of Scrunchies, one of the new hot things all the girls had and wished I could get one.

I had already decided though that I was not going to suggest anything to buy. I didn't want to tip my parents off to anything – I was afraid the first thing they would do was shave my head… In the meantime I saw she had added a pick type comb to the cart. I let mom lead me to the next aisle she thought we needed to go down. Disappointed that she hadn't brought up rubber bands at least… We moved onto the next aisle that had shampoos and stuff.

"Well let's see. We need to get you a shampoo and conditioner set now. Why don't we go with this brand, which scent do you want?" She asked while pointing to a brand that had like 10 different scents.

I really wanted to say strawberry, as it was my favorite flavor/fruit, but I was afraid that would give away too much. I settled on something I thought a boy or a girl could go with: "How about the coconut scent?" I asked.

"Okay, that'll work." She said while putting it in the cart. She then looked at the shelf and saw there was a matching hair spray for that brand and grabbed it.

"Don't I already have hair spray at home?" I asked.

"You do, but I think this stuff will work a bit better. And it's also a match to the shampoo and conditioner, so it should work better." She replied, matter-of-factly.

She then walked down to another aisle where there were hair dryers. She looked at several hand blow dryers before settling on one. As she put it in the cart she said, "Your hair is going to take longer and longer to dry on it's own, so it's a good idea for us to speed that process up.

She started to go towards the front and asked me, "You are going to keep growing your hair out right?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Because if I buy all of this stuff for you, you can't decide to just shave it back down again." She told me. It was then that I became aware of the there being cost associated with this new hairstyle.

"I'm going to stay with this for a while," I replied.

"Good." She paused, then added, "Because I think you look good with longer hair." That was the first comment I had gotten from my parents one way or another as to my new style. I was shocked to say the least!

We left the Walmart after paying for the supplies. On our way home I told her about Amy inviting me over on Monday.

"Oh! Guess what!" I said. "Amy asked me to come over to her house on Monday!" I was excited, and she could see that.

"Cool. So are you two going out?" Mom asked me, kind of teasingly, but genuinely wanting to know.

"No, we're just good friends. But isn't that cool? I haven't hung out with a friend from school in I don't know how long… It's going to be great!" Mom started making more inquiries about Amy and my friendship. Apparently she hadn't realized how close of friends we had become at school.

When we got home she looked at the map that Amy had drawn for her house and said, "She lives in a nice house over there." Mom had met her mom a few times, especially in relation to the trip we had gone to. Her parents were also going to go along on the trip as sponsors.

"Brandon, put this collapsible brush in your backpack right now before we forget. Then meet me in the bathroom." She said.

"Okay," I replied smiling. I didn't know why I was smiling, but I just was!

I did as she asked and went to the bathroom. She held the purple brush in her hand. "With your hair getting longer you're going to need to brush it out several times a day to keep it from getting ratty. Turn around." She pushed my shoulders to where I could see what she was doing in the mirror while she was behind me. She spent the better part of 5 minutes telling me how to brush my hair right.

"I'm also going to suggest that you start showering instead of taking a bath." I must have looked heart broken, I loved taking baths. "You can still take them occasionally, but it'll be a lot easier to wash the shampoo and conditioner out of your hair this way."

"Okay, I guess I can do that then." I answered, a little mollified.

She then went on to tell me that she wanted me to take a shower after dinner using the new shampoo and conditioner, and then she was going to show me how to blow dry my hair. She was very specific on timing of the conditioner and stuff. I acted like I really didn't want to do this stuff, but inside I was jumping up and down screaming, 'YES YES YES YES!!'

We went out for dinner that night to a Mexican place. I liked spicy food, particularly the green chile that we enjoyed in New Mexico, and it was one of my favorite places to eat. After a good dinner we went and rented some movies, and then went home. Mom told me to go shower and use the stuff she bought. I was excited!

I spent more time in the shower on my hair than I ever had before. Now, while my hair had reached what I thought was a magnificent start (10 inches), it wasn't going down to my shoulders yet. I probably spent as much time on it though that night as I would if it had been down to my butt. I got done and got dressed, beginning to brush my hair out and told mom that I was dressed.

She showed me how to use the blow dryer effectively, and once I was done I noticed my hair seemed to be occupying more space somehow. "Mom, did my hair get bigger somehow?"

"Yes I think it did. That's part of what conditioner will do for you. Also brushing and blow drying it probably poofed it out a bit more too."

I sat down on the couch a few minutes later and we watched a movie till way past my normal bed time – I love spring break! I went to bed dreaming, scheming, and plotting to try and figure out a way to get some scrunchies of my own. I couldn't believe just how great everything had gone today.

Chapter 14:

That weekend we went over to my grandparents house for a while. My grandfather gave me a fair amount of heckling over my hair until my grandmother told him to knock it off, she liked it. I hadn't seen them in about a month so it was definitely longer than it had been. I had actually expected more heckling from him, so I actually was pleased that it had ended so abruptly.

With the weekend over Monday came. I got ready and mom dropped me off at Amy's house at noon. When mom had said it was a nice house she wasn't exaggerating. It was a huge 2 story house with a circular driveway in front of it. Nervous, I rang the doorbell and she came to the door. "Hey Brandon, come on in!"

I went into her house and she led me up to her room, which was huge. It was decorated in a mix of little girl colors and bedding, and pictures of some of the latest movie stars were up on her walls. "So what do you want to do?" She asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know, did you have anything in mind?"

"Well, we could play on my Playstation for a while?" She suggested.

"Sure, that sounds fun." I was willing to go along with almost anything, I wanted her to invite me over again!

We played games on it for a couple hours before we got bored. "Well now what," she asked me.

"I don't know, maybe watch a movie?" I asked.

"Alright, that sounds good." She replied. "What do you want to watch?" She asked me.

"What do you have?" I asked.

"Well… I just got the Lion King yesterday, you want to watch that?" She asked.

"I don't know, is it any good?"

"You mean you haven't seen it yet?!? I can't believe that. Come with me!" She said as she grabbed my hand and dragged me down the their room that had their TV. I was presented with a huge TV that boggled my mind. She dragged me to the couch and turned on the movie.

"Do you want anything to drink while the previews are going?" She asked.

"Maybe some water please?" I asked. She brought back 2 glasses of water from the kitchen a few minutes later. And we watched the movie. We actually talked and laughed a fair amount while the movie was playing as well, and I decided I actually really liked the movie.

"That was really good. My family doesn't go to the movies so I hadn't seen it yet."

"I love going to the movies, you'll have to go with me the next time something comes out.

"That sounds like fun." I replied.

"By the way, I don't think I told you today but I like what you did with your hair today. It looks really nice." She told me.

"Thanks. My mom took me to the store and had me pick out some different shampoo, a couple hair brushes, and a blow dryer. I can't believe how different it looks when I take care of it this way."

"You know there are a lot of girls that would kill to have the hair that you have right now." She told me.

"Thanks… I think." Blushing.

"You're welcome. I've been really amazed by how much you've grown up this year. Everyone has noticed, I think that's why most of the kids have stopped messing with you. Well… that and a bit of fear after Matt's nose." She said laughing and winking at me.

We talked about a whole lot of other things for a couple hours. The two of us had a lot in common, and we had a chance to bond in those few hours like we had never had before. Her mom came home a little later and said, "How are you doing Brandon?"

"I'm doing well, how are you?" I replied politely.

"Tired. It was a long day. Say, I'm going to order pizza for dinner, do you want to stay and eat with us?" She asked me.

I looked at Amy, she was nodding at me vigorously, so I answered, "Sure, just let me call my mom and let her know that I'm staying for a while longer."

I called her and I sat down and talked with Amy some more. Her mom joined us a few minutes later and told Amy her dad was on the way home. "Brandon, I like your hair, it looks really nice."

"Thanks." I replied to her. We continued talking for a while and then she told Amy to take me upstairs to wash up. She showed me where her bathroom was, connected to her room (I was so jealous), and we both washed our hands before going downstairs. Her dad and the pizza arrived at almost the same time.

Dinner with Amy's family was fun. Period. End of story. She had such a neat set of parents, and we had a good time at dinner that night. Her parents definitely seemed to begin to like me. Something that became apparent a few minutes later.

Amy's father asked me, "Brandon do you like to ski?"

"Yeah, the few times I've been able to go I've loved it. I just haven't been able to go that many times." I said, kind of curious as to why he was asking.

"Well how would you like to go with us this weekend? It'll be our treat."

"Really? Are you sure?"

Her dad nodded, and Amy said, "You have to come, it'll be so much fun!"

"Sure, I'll have to ask my parents first though. I don't think they'll say no but I do have to ask." I said.

"Fantastic." We all talked for a while longer before I decided I should probably go home. Amy went with her Mom to drop me off at home. She talked to my parents for a few minutes and they said yes to me going with them. They offered to pay though, but her mom flatly refused saying it was their treat. We all thanked her and I said goodnight to Amy.

"Amy thanks for inviting me over, I haven't had this much fun in a long time. Thanks!"

"No problem Brandon, I feel the same way. I'll look forward to seeing you Friday. Goodnight!"

With that I ended one of the best days I had ever had with a friend to that point. Things couldn't have been more fun!

Chapter 15: The ski trip

My mom took me to a used sporting goods store Tuesday to see if we could find some ski pants for me. We found a pair of black pants that fit pretty well for a good deal so mom bought them. To say I was excited and looking forward to the trip was to understate the matter a great deal. I had been able to go skiing a total of 3 times before this – all on school trips.

That actually had me a little worried, I know that Amy and her family went a lot during the year, would she be upset with slowing down to hang out with me? Would she just leave me in her dust and all alone on the slopes? To say the least I was suffering with some insecurity. I managed to forget about that most of the time and just be excited.

I think my mom was just happy to see me smiling and looking forward to something. Things had improved a lot at school – but only to the point that I was still crying at least 2 times a week when I came home. Of course that was down from the every day…

Amy and I talked quite a bit over the phone each day until Friday. I found out that I was going to be sharing her room at the condo since she had a set of bunk beds. "Prepare yourself for a talk by dad though," she warned me. She had told him we were just good friends, but she knew that he would still end up saying something to us.

For me it was just going to be one new experience after another. I had never slept over at a friend's house before. Never. Can you believe that? I was outright hyper and giddy Thursday night. When Mom told me it was my bedtime I went to bed and couldn't sleep for hours. When I finally awoke it seemed as I had just closed my eyes.

I took a shower that morning, dried my hair, and ate breakfast in record time. I paced around the house for 30 minutes before they arrived right on time at 7:30am. Mom went and talked to Amy's parents for a few minutes while I carried my backpack of stuff out to their car. I was already wearing my ski pants, as was Amy, when I got in the car. I noted that hers were basically the same as mine except they were purple.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I asked her.

"Great. We're going to have so much fun!" She replied.

We drove off and began the hour and a half drive up to the resort. After a while I asked her, "so what are we going to do first?"

"Well we're going to go put our stuff in our condo. Mom's going to fix us something to eat for lunch, and then we'll drive up to the resort." She said.

Her dad must have been listening in while he was driving, because he then said, "When we get up to the condo I'm going to have you try on a pair of Amy's ski boots. They're a little small for her, but I think they'll probably fit you. If they do then we'll just have you use her old skis with them. If they don't we'll go get you a rental set. Does that work for you?"

"Sure, I'm fine with whatever is easiest." I replied. I was suddenly thinking… Girls ski boots? Or are they the same as guys? I wasn't honestly sure. All I knew was that maybe I'd get my first chance ever to wear something that was made for a girl! I didn't know if I was supposed to take a macho approach though… Oh well. Who would see me?

We continued the drive up to the resort with Amy and I chattering away as only kids that are best friends can. Before I knew it we were pulling off the highway and up a gravel road to their condo. We went inside and Amy gave me the "5 cent" tour. On the first floor they had a closet right inside that they stored skis in when they weren't using them.

From there they had a second closet that was a normal coat closet. They had a fairly large kitchen, dining room, and Den that were all kind of open to each other. In the middle of the room, against a wall, was a huge fireplace that had a bear rug in front of it. There were some couches and love seats in an open bracket around it. She also showed me where there was a half bath on that floor as well.

We then went upstairs and she showed me that there were 2 Bedrooms and 2 Bathrooms. Her parents bedroom and bathroom were massive – they easily took up 65% of the space on that floor. Then she said, "and here is my room – our room tonight," and opened up the door to her bedroom. It was decorated similarly to her normal bedroom, and had a set of bunk beds up against one wall. Both beds were decorated in Barbie bedding. She also had a huge doll house and dozens of Barbies stacked on a shelf above it.

As if reading my mind she said, "I like Barbie!" We chuckled a bit. She then added, "A lot of other girls are saying we're too old for them, but I still play with them. That's what I do when I get done with homework on most nights."

I felt kind of awkward… what was I supposed to say to that? So I responded, "That's cool that you still play with them. I still play with toys a lot too. Where do you keep them at your house? I didn't notice there being this many there."

She smiled at me, "I have a separate play room down the hall from my room. It's all barbies, and since I didn't think you'd want to play with them we didn't go in there. I'm so glad you don't think I'm a freak for still playing with kids toys."

"Amy, you would be the last person I would ever think of as a freak." She smiled at me and said thanks.

She showed me the bathroom we were going to share… it was the size of both bathrooms at my house combined… It had a whirlpool tub and a walk-in shower. It also had a large vanity and 2 sinks.

She also had a large closet that had several more sets of ski pants, sweaters, and other cold weather clothes.

From there the conversation got a little more mundane and we decided who was going to sleep in which bed. By 'we' decided, I mean she said, "TOP BUNK!" and giggled. Apparently that was her tradition with friends – whoever spoke up first got first choice.

We were still talking in there when her dad came in, speaking initially to Amy, "Your mom is making lunch right now for all of us. When she gets done we'll eat and then head up to the slopes. I wanted to talk to you both for a moment while we have a chance." Here it comes I thought.

"Brandon, from what Amy has told me I believe we can trust you two, but I'll ask anyways for you two not to do anything inappropriate. If you were both still younger I wouldn't even say anything, but middle school changes things. Do I have to say more, or do you get what I mean?"

"Mr. Hancock I wouldn't even think of it. Amy and I are both way more interested in being friends than anything else." I replied.

"I believe you, especially considering your response was almost word for word what Amy said. I do want you both to leave the door open tonight though okay?"

Amy replied this time, "That's fine daddy, though there's nothing to worry about."

"I know sweetheart, but I'm your dad, which means I have to say these things. Anyway, why don't you both come downstairs and we'll see if these ski boots fit you Brandon?"

We followed him downstairs and went to the ski closet. When he opened it up I saw 2 sets of ski boots that looked to be our sized. One was pink with purple latches, the other set was black with purple latches. My heart skipped a beat wondering which pair I was going to be using.

He picked up the black ones and handed them to me. I took off my right shoe and put my foot into the boot. It was a good fit. I was actually curious what my foot size was compared to her. I'd have check it out later.

Amy's Mom came around from the kitchen "Do you mind wearing her boots Brandon? They're not overly girly, but if they bother you we can rent a set instead."

"They're fine Mrs. Hancock, I'm really not bothered by it at all." I replied.

"Okay but if you change your mind that's alright. Just be sure and let us know." She said.

I then saw the skis that went with the boots and almost wondered if I shouldn't have taken that back – they were covered with a mixture of purple and lighter purple. I decided to not worry about it though – wasn't this just a really cool little step on the journey I wished to take? Yes. So I then became excited.

Once we were sure everything was set for me we went and ate the grilled cheese and soup that her mom had made for us. After lunch I thanked her and we put all of the equipment on/strapped it onto the ski rack. Then we all got into their SUV to go up to the resort.

Chapter 16:

When we got up there Mr. Hancock handed me a lift ticket and told me to attach it to the zipper of my jacket. Amy's mom was talking to her in the meantime, "Amy do you have your backpack?"

"Yes Mommy," she replied. I could tell she was a little annoyed her mom was doing this in front of me.

"I just want to make sure that you have it and the extra stuff in it in case you guys need it. The snacks and your extra clothes are in there right?" She nodded and I stopped paying attention as Mr. Hancock had me help stack skis and poles against the car. Once everything was out of the car they told us where they wanted us to meet them at 4:30pm for dinner.

"Come on Brandon, let's go!" Amy said to me as we made our way away from her parents. We found a chairlift that would take us up to a spot where there were a lot of green trails to start off with.

We put on our skis before we got to the chairlift and I was a little shocked when the guy running the chairlift said, "Have a good run ladies," to us. I kind of blushed for a second and Amy giggled next to me.

I looked at her and asked, "do I look that much like a girl right now?"

"Not a whole lot, but the purple on your jacket, the skis, your hair, and the fact you're with me must have been enough to confuse him." She said in between giggles. I stuck my tongue out at her.

"I have one of those too!" She said smiling and sticking her own tongue out.

Now the jacket I had wasn't a girls jacket, it just happened to have some purple stripes on it. It wasn't the complete norm at the time, but it wasn't that unusual in that area. But apparently she had a point – one that I was not unhappy about even a tiny bit!

We talked and giggled the rest of the 10 minute ride up to the top and then started down the slope. It was actually a really warm sunny day that day. The temperature was about 50 degrees, so we really didn't need our jackets that much even. I shed the ear warmer I had on pretty early on in our run.

We had a lot of fun going down the slope. Usually I was a pretty timid skier, but somehow hanging out with Amy made me less so. I guess there's safety in having a friend doing the same stupid things? We went down our first run in about 30 minutes and then made our way back to the chairlift.

"So do you want to try something harder now?" Amy asked with a slight twinkle of mischief in her eye.

"As long as it's not too much harder I'll go for it." I replied as we looked at a map on the way up. I had finally found something to be annoyed about with my hair… it kept getting in my face – especially my mouth as we were riding up the chairlift. I kept pushing it back behind my ears to try and keep it in place, but it was still a bit short for that to be really effective. About 5 minutes later we made it to the top.

"Hey, Brandon hold on a second." Amy said coming over to me. She opened up her backpack and dug for something for a moment. She pulled out a purple headband for hair. "I notice your hair keeps getting in your eyes, do you want to see if this'll work to keep it out of your eyes?" She asked me.

"Umm… wouldn't that be kind of weird?" I asked timidly.

"Well, maybe if someone knew you, but as far as most people are concerned they're not going to notice. Besides, it's going to be a long afternoon if you're constantly fighting with your hair, trust me, I know!" She said pointing to the ponytail her hair was tied up into. "I'll put one in my hair too if it'll make you feel any better?" I saw she had a pink one in there too.

"Okay, I guess. If we see your parents though help me hide it somewhere okay? I don't want them to decide I shouldn't be around you because I'm weird or anything, alright?" I replied.

"Don't worry, mom was the one who told me to be sure that I had one in here since she thought you might need it!" I was flabbergasted by that. With my mouth still open she put the purple one into my hair and the pink into hers and started off down the trail while I was still in shock.

Her mom thought I would wear it willingly? Did she know I wanted to be a girl? Did Amy know at that rate? I was suddenly kind of nervous, but took after her down the trail.

Before I knew it we were going down a blue trail that had moguls on it. For those of you who haven't skied before, moguls are little hills of snow on the slope. There's usually a section of them like rapids on a river on some of the harder trails. I had heard about them but never skied on them.

I tried to follow Amy's lead going down them but I screwed up and my right hand ski went the wrong way – Down I went, tumbling head over heels. My ski bindings released and I just kept tumbling a couple more times.

  

  

  

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