SRU: Many Unhappy Returns                     by: Roy Del Frink

 

The Wizard sighed. "Dannie, Joey Frump’s coming."

"Who’s Joey Frump?" Dannie asked.

"It’d be much easier to show you than tell you. Here, study this surveillance tape of his ‘greatest fits’."

"We have a surveillance camera?" Dannie asked, stunned.

"It’s not on the walls. We use magic. I don’t any punk-ass kid destroying it Anyway, I’m giving it to you. I’ve gotta get more eye of newt. And this time, I think I’ll go to Marietta, Georgia, in the conventional, non-magical manner." And with that, the Wizard left.

The Wizard gone, Dannie studied the tape alone. It started with a man in his thirties entering the shop. He had blond hair, blue eyes, and several freckles on his face. His shirt had several coffee stains on it, and showed a blue ghost inside the gaping wedge of a giant yellow circle saying, "Help me, Mommy, Pac-Man ate me!" His blue bell-bottoms almost hid his black sneakers from view. He walked up to the Wizard.

"Hello, Joey. What’ll it be?"

"Hey, dude, how’d you know the name?"

"I’m a wizard. I know if you’ve been naughty, I know if you’ve been nice."

"Do you know if I’m sleeping?" Joey replied, sarcastically.

"Well, " the Wizard said, sniffing the air, "I wouldn’t be talking, since you haven’t gotten any sleep in the past 24 hours."

"Okay... you’re scaring me. But I’d like a new body, please."

"Alright. Anything in particular?"

"Yes. Make me taller. I don’t like the way people keep on calling me ‘shorty’ and ‘small-fry’. I despise being unable to reach the highest shelves. And all my friends got to make the high school basketball team, while I didn’t. Give me this, and I’ll be totally satisfied."

"All right. This potion will help you grow an extra foot."

"How much is it?"

"How much you got?"

"Never you mind! How much?"

"Six forty-three."

"Okay," Joey replied, handing the Wizard six dollars and forty-three cents, which happened to be all the cash in his pocket. He walked out, pleased.

Two days later, Joey returned. "This isn’t what I asked for!" he said, pointing to the third leg that had mysteriously appeared between his previous two.

"I told you you’d get an extra foot!" the Wizard laughed.

"Very funny! Fix it and make me taller for real."

"Sure. Here you go, on the house."

"This better work!" Joey downed the potion then and there, and went home.

He returned a week later. "Thanks for the height," he said, showing off his six foot five body.

"You’re welcome, Joey," the Wizard replied. "But why’d you come back?"

"It’s just... I wanna be more muscular."

"Why?"

"So I can play sports, lift packages, win fights, and impress ladies. You ever seen those Charles Atlas ads? Well, I AM the 98-pound weakling. Give me this, and I’ll be totally satisfied."

"Okay. Here you go, it’s $9.18."

"Thanks." Joey left the shop and took the potion.

He returned a week later. He sure looked like an athletic stud, but he wasn’t enjoying it.

"What’s wrong now?" the Wizard asked.

"It’s my hair. I wanna be a redhead. I met this cute girl in the park, about my age, but she told me she only likes redheads. So I wanna change my hair color."

"Couldn’t you just go to the salon?"

"Sorry. I tried that, and she saw right through it. ‘Sorry, blondie, but I only date natural carrot tops.’ And she left. Give me this, and I’ll be totally satisfied."

"Fine. Here’s a potion that’ll make even your own mother swear you’re a natural redhead."

"Thank you." Joey paid the Wizard and left.

Then, after another week, he came back. "Now what?" the Wizard asked, slightly annoyed.

"I would like to be a woman."

"Why? Isn’t your masculine physique enough?"

"Yeah, it’s fine, but remember that lady who wanted a redhead? She was bowled over by the new me, and we had sex on the first date. But she was impressive! She took all I could give her, and still wanted more! I wanna be able to have that kind of sexual endurance. And she must have come three times as many times as I did. Give me this, and I’ll be totally satisfied."

"Well," the Wizard replied, perked up, "it just so happens changing men into women is my specialty! Here, this potion will keep the most desired parts of your body, and change your gender. And it’s on special this week - just three dollars."

"Great! I’ll take it." And he paid and left.

But a week later, he saw Joey return. He was now a she, of course, but the red-headed, blue-eyed, six-foot-plus, super-muscular figure was unmistakable. "I would like to have bigger breasts."

"WHAT??!!"

"You heard me. Ladies are joking about my tiny bosoms - they’re not even a full A-cup - and at least two men have dumped me for gals with tits ‘til Tuesday. Give me this, and I’ll be totally satisfied."

"All right," the Wizard groaned, "this potion will do the job. Just take it and enjoy your body!"

"Okay. Thank you!" Joey replied, and paid for it before she left.

Then she returned another week later. "I want a longer, penis-sized clitoris. Give me this, and I’ll be totally satisfied."

The Wizard, practically worn out, said, "Please, spare me the details. Just take this potion - for TWELVE DOLLARS - and go!"

"Thank you," she replied in a cheerful grin, and left.

She came back to the shop four more times, each time wanting more. The first time, she wanted to be wealthy. The second time, she desired a high-paying job. The third, she wanted to try being bisexual. And the fourth, she asked for a fully hermaphrodite body. Each time, she claimed she’d be "totally satisfied" is the Wizard granted her request. The Wizard always handed her an appropriate potion, charging successively more and getting ruder. The last time, he practically threatened he’d kill her if she ever returned. Dannie understood why the Wizard didn’t want to handle her.

As soon as the replay finished, Dannie watched Joey return. She looked exactly as Dannie thought she would, even wearing a tight-fitting dress revealing her new dual nature. "Could you please give me -"

"STOP!" Dannie yelled, knowing exactly where this was going. "I know what you’re gonna say, so wait here." With that, she grabbed a potion under the counter, a knowing grin on her face. "This will give you the furry characteristics you desire, and due to the extremely rare ingredients contained inside, it will cost you no less than ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Are you sure it will make you totally satisfied?"

"Positive," Joey replied, and she left the shop after paying for it with a single check.

The following week, Dannie and the Wizard were together behind the counter, grinning from ear to ear. Joey walked in, looking nothing like the first time. Shi wore a red blouse with holes where the breasts would normally go, a short, tight pink skirt revealing a two-foot erection, and foot-long high heels. Hir four bare breasts were almost as big as beach balls, and hir legs could hardly carry hir weight. The new cat-like features on hir body, including calico-patterned fur and a three-foot tail, didn’t help.

"You gotta help me," shi told the Wizard. "I don’t like this new body, and I don’t know how you gave my genitalia such exaggerated characteristics. Sex isn’t fun any more, everyone’s treating me like a freak, and I can’t even cover my body properly. I’ve needed my new cat-like reflexes to avoid the cops. Please, give me my original body back! Anything’s better than this nightmare!"

"Sorry, can’t help you," the Wizard replied.

"Why not!" Joey demanded.

"Remember the potion I sold you last week?" Dannie said. "Well, in addition to making you the cat-morph you wanted, it also gave the huge genitals, and strange sartorial compulsions, like revealing skirts and extra-high heels. But it had an additional ingredient. That body’s yours now, permanently. Neither magic, plastic surgery, nor old age can alter it. And you’re also immortal now; not even a nuclear bomb dropped on you at point-blank range will kill you. Enjoy the first day of the rest of your life!" Joey could see the fire in her eyes as she finished speaking, an ominous tone in her voice. Disappointed, shi left the shop, never to return.

"Congatulations, Dannie! I didn’t think you’d ever be able to solve such a tough customer. But how’d you come up with such a perfect solution?"

Dannie smiled at the Wizard, a twinkle in her eye. "Wizard, let me tell you about an Asian magical talking fish..."

 

THE END

 

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© 2001 by Roy Del Frink. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.