SRU: Better Than Plastic                                  by: Roy Del Frink

 

Part 2: SHA                                  

Mark and Susan were distraught with the news. They were stuck as hermaphrodites, and both were knocked up with child. How would they survive? As the couple wept into their eyes, they saw a business card slip into their mail slot. Mark picked it up and read it. It said, "SHA meeting tonight at 7PM, in the old courthouse. For those of you who don’t know how to cope with being male and female. Come in a T-shirt, dinner jacket, and skirt." Neither one had ever heard of this "SHA" before, but they agreed to attend the meeting and wear this bizarre half-male, half-female outfit. Mark and Susan showed up right on time, inside an old courtroom modified to serve as a convention hall.

At the front door, they met a hulky-looking bouncer. They couldn’t tell if the bouncer was male or female; "he" was taller than most men, about six foot five, and very muscular, but "she" had respectable feminine B-cup breasts on "her" chest. Mark figured this mystery person was a transsexual born male when "he" said, "My name is Lee. I see you’re wearing the right outfit. You clearly have breasts, so you won’t have to prove that. You will, however, have to lift up your skirt and show me what you got." "She" spoke in an odd voice, halfway between a man’s and a woman’s.

Reluctantly, Mark lifted his skirt to show his male and female organs. Susan did likewise. "Good, everything is in order. You may enter the SHA meeting." The couple felt a little spooked, but agreed to enter and discover what this "SHA" was all about.

The room was full of about ten folks dressed in the same odd T-shirt, dinner jacket, and skirt combination. They all wore tags labeled, "Hi! My name is _____." Mark and Susan found two blank ones at a table near the door. They marked them, placed their own over their left breast, then sat down in the crowd. Oddly enough, nearly every single person looked androgynous. All had at least a small bust-line, but somehow the masculine outfits above their waists didn’t look out-of-place. As Mark and Susan pondered what was going on, they heard a person seated behind them say, "Hi. Are you new here?"

Susan responded, "Yes we are. I see your name is Chris. What brings you here?"

"Oh, I visited this store called Spells R Us. The shopkeeper is rather dislikable, but fascinating in a mischievous sort of way. He turned me into what you see here."

"Well, he changed us too."

"I’m not surprised. It seems like all our members are changed into what we are now by that Spells R Us wizard."

Mark replied, "But what did - " Before Mark could finish that thought, he heard a gavel bang. He turned to the front with Susan; they saw the podium the banging came from. Behind it stood a half-male, half-female creature in the same mismatched outfit the others wore. He/She had enormous breasts, and his/her skirt hid a rather large bulge no ordinary female could possess. As the Johnsons continued to watch him/her, he/she spoke in an odd, half-male, half-female voice.

"Fellow members, welcome to another meeting of SHA, Spelled Hermaphrodites Anonymous! Today we greet two new members, Mark and Susan J. Mark and Susan, stand up."

Awkwardly, they did so. The people around them greeted them with a loud but friendly, "Hi Mark! Hi Susan!"

The mysterious leader behind the podium resumed. "Mark and Susan, my name is Andy R. I am the head of this SHA chapter. As you might have guessed, everyone here is a hermaphrodite. We were all altered by the wizard in charge of the Spells R Us store. Even though our new-found bodies were tough for us all to go through, eventually we adjusted. Let’s reassure Mark and Susan by telling them about how we became our male/female hybrids, shall we? Chris, you go first."

The pleasant person sitting behind the Johnsons got up and spoke. "My name is Chris. I was male, until I asked the Spells R Us wizard, ‘Let me have multiple orgasms, but allow me to remain male.’ Indeed, I can have multiple orgasms, but only of the female sort."

Others in the crowd got up, one by one, and explained their stories to the newcomers. An extremely-well endowed member (in all respects) got up and said, "My name is Kim. I asked the SRU wizard to make me a greater lover than anyone else on Earth, male or female. And I indeed can outdo anyone else on the planet - as several ‘He Fucks / She Sucks’ videos starring me as ‘Sammie Beefencheese-Cake’ can attest!"

The bodyguard explained, "I’m Lee. I used to be female, until I told that SRU kook that I was tired of squatting all the time to use the toilet. Indeed, I can now pee standing up, but I didn’t want to become THIS in the process!"

A thirties-ish married couple stood. "My name is Bobbie. My husband Pat and I had a special joint wish. I wanted to know what it was like to be male. I just didn’t think I’d stay female." Indeed, Bobbie appeared rather female. Her body did have the telltale signs on an erection, but it was rather small. "I usually pass myself off as female in public, without any trouble."

Pat added, "I wanted to know what it was like to be female. I just thought I’d trade bodies with my wife or somethin’. Instead, he turned us both into the hermaphrodites you see here." Pat looked generally male. He had breasts, but they were rather small in nature, and could easily be padded over. There was also stubble coating his face. "Like my wife here, I usually pretend to belong to my old gender, and hardly anyone notices."

Two more got out of their seats. They were identical twins. One of them said, "My name is Randy, and this is my twin Sandy. We were born with breasts and penises - a rare pair of natural she-males. We usually dressed and played like girls growing up, but the one distinctively male part of our bodies got us teased and scorned all the time. The benefits of peeing while standing up just weren’t worth it for us."

Sandy continued. "The final straw for us came when our boyfriends broke up after learning about our unusual anatomy. ‘Gay male freaks,’ they called us. One day we agreed we should become members of the normal genders of male and female, one of each so we could talk about what the genders were like. So we found the SRU store, and the clerk asked us what he could do. I said, ‘I can’t stand being half and half any more. Make me female, and Randy male.’"

Randy added, "Then I said, ‘No. I want to be female, and Sandy should be made male.’ We didn’t care, really, as long as one of us became male and the other female."

Sandy giggled and concluded, "We just didn’t think he’d take both of our ideas and make us both male AND female!"

Andy behind the podium explained, "That’s rather similar to my tale. I was born with a bisexual personality in a male body. I wanted the wizard to get my body and personality to match, and here I am, body changed and personality still hermaphroditic!" She couldn’t keep from chuckling at that, then banged the gavel to get back to business. "Mark and Susan J, tell us how you got to be hermaphrodites."

Mark nervously said, "Well, it’s like this. We wanted to have a baby, but our sex life was getting dull, and my sperm count was getting perilously low. So we decided to find something that could spice up our lives and get Susan pregnant."

Susan added, "Instead of the adult store we expected, we found Spells R Us. The wizard gave us gadgets that would improve our sex lives. It sure did, but now we’re stuck. And to top it all off, now we’re BOTH pregnant!"

The crowd murmured amongst itself, until Andy banged the gavel down and told everyone to shut up. "Fellow hermaphrodites, I implore you to listen to these two. They’ve just been turned into a rare outcast breed, and it’s up to us to make them feel wanted and accept their new selves. Mark, Susan, you will never accept your true self until you change your names into male/female hybrids."

Mark replied, "Mine’s easy. I’ll start calling myself Markie."

Susan thought awhile, then said, "I think I’ll go by Sal."

"Good. You’re starting to get the idea," Andy noted happily. "Now I should tell you about us. We are part of the special S. A. organization. Four other S. A. groups exist; Spelled Females Anonymous (the biggest and main branch), Spelled Males Anonymous, Spelled She-Males Anonymous, and Spelled Miscellaneous Anonymous."

Sal asked, "Spelled MISCELLANEOUS Anonymous?"

"Oh yes," Andy replied. "It’s mostly for people who, through the wizard’s actions, have become centaurs, merpeople, inflatable dolls, or some other non-human form. Most of them are inanimate or mute, actually, so it’s pretty dead. But you are part of Spelled Hermaphrodites Anonymous now. All five organizations try to get together unfortunate individuals who have radically changed appearance as a result of the Spells R Us wizard’s magic. Actually, we can be highly sought-out; most natural hermaphrodites are sterile, and thus can’t bear children. Markie and Sal, since you bear each others’ child, your organs are in full working order. You’re lucky. Aside from the two of you, I’m the only one here who can become a father and a mother. Indeed, I already am.

"Now I should tell you about the details of your new lives. First, what do you call yourself, male or female? Most of us just use whatever sexual designation we used in our old lives, at least outside this meeting hall. Unlike most SHA members, though, I relished my new status, so I call myself ‘he/she.’ A few members prefer to coin their own gender-neuter pronouns, like ‘thon’ or ‘hir,’ for their own purposes. But these SHA crowds are usually addressed as ‘his and her.’ As for the restroom, since most of us appear to be female, we use the ladies’ room. The few who can pass off as male, though, generally use the men’s room.

"On to the most complicated issue, romance and dating. Many SHA members prefer the companionship of fellow hermaphrodites, usually other SHAer’s. If you go out with someone whose apparent gender is the same as your own, though, be careful. Most people will regard you as a lesbian couple, and treat you as such. You’ll have to take extra precautions, and you’ll never be acceptable to the homophobic crowd. Nevertheless, if you find someone in which you can confide your true self without worry, and who will have you as your life companion, you can lead a happy family life. If, like most of us, you’re sterile, just adopt a child or two and raise them as your own. Since you two already married each other, dating will not be a problem. Just be prepared for insults like ‘fags,’ ‘queers,’ and ‘dykes’ to be hurled in your faces. It’ll be a major problem, but eventually you’ll get used to it.

"As for your children, if you have a child with another SHAer, that child will become a hermaphrodite like yourself. If the other parent is a normal male or female, there’s about a one in ten chance the child will be a hermaphrodite. Indeed, my ‘daughter’ Jenny, who had a normal male father, is a hermaphrodite. So both of you are bearing little ‘he and she’ kids in your womb right now."

"Finally, I’ll tell you about dressing. This mixed-gender outfit is only for your SHA meetings; in fact, it’s how SHA members identify themselves to each other. Most of the time, you should wear outfits appropriate to your apparent gender, which is your cases is both female. I’m sorry you had to expose yourselves to Lee at the front gate, but it’s a security measure. We do that to insure males and females who don’t approve of us don’t get into our meetings. We also have a doctor who’s invented a brain-washing gas which erases any knowledge of our existence from people who don’t belong here. It’s painless and has no other side-effects. You’ve started down a daunting path without wanting to, but hopefully you’ll be willing to take advantage of your unique status to lead a happy, healthy life."

Markie and Sal let those words sink into their brain. After several minutes of silence, they finally said in unison, "We shall."

Andy grinned from ear to ear. "Congratulations, Markie and Sal J. You’re now full members of SHA, with all its rights and responsibilities. We meet here every Monday at 7PM. Be sure to wear the mixed-gender outfit you have on now. If you wish to know whether another androgynous individual is actually a member of our outfit, ask them if the cock crows at midnight. If they reply, ‘Yes, as the cow jumps over the moon,’ they’re a member, and you have nothing to fear revealing your true self to them. We send out a bi-weekly newsletter; yours should arrive by the First of next month. And now, as promised, we conclude this week’s meeting with our special celebrity guest."

As Andy finished speaking, another person entered the room. She was tall for a woman (close to six feet), and about forty years old. She had short brown hair, and wore the same odd outfit as the SHA members. Her face was beautiful, but somewhat masculine in an androgynous way. She looked very familiar to Markie and Sal. As the newcomer reached the podium, Markie guessed it; "You’re Jamie Lee Curtis! I loved you in ‘True Lies’ and the ‘Halloween’ movies."

"Why, yes I am," she replied. "And that rumor going around about me is true," she added, lifting her skirt to reveal what all members of SHA possessed. Her ‘male’ organ was smaller than the one you’d find on an average man, maybe four inches, but was clearly present.

"Wow! I’d heard it, but didn’t think it was for real! Wait’ll I tell everyone about this!" Sal yelled.

Jamie Lee Curtis started to cry. Andy turned toward Sal and shouted at her. "NO ONE IS SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS! Sal, why do you think we’re called ‘Spelled Hermaphrodites ANONYMOUS?’ The whole point is that anything that happens at these meetings is secret. And if you told everyone the truth about J. L. here (as she prefers to be called at the meetings), it would break her heart. Promise me you won’t say anything about what has happened, is happening, or will happen in this union hall. If you break this oath, you will be expelled and subject to the ‘forgetting’ gas."

Reluctantly, the Johnsons replied, "We promise."

"Excellent." Andy brightened and turned to J. L. "Now J. L. has the podium. I’ll let her tell our newcomers about her life story."

J. L. took the podium and spoke to the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, and I use that term quite accurately, I’m different from you in one respect. You were all changed into hermaphrodites by magic. I was born this way, though magic played a part. It all started as a Medieval curse. One of my ancestors had an affair with a witch, then truly offended her by running away from her and having a second affair - with another man. The witch didn’t like the idea of homosexuality, and wanted to hear why anyone would do such a thing.

"‘Simple,’ my ancestor replied, ‘I’m a bisexual. I love men as much as I love women.’

"‘So it shall be forevermore,’ the witch spat. ‘From now on, you and one of your descendants every seven generations shall be given a bisexual body to match your bisexual desires.’ Instantly he became a hermaphrodite. And every seven generations, indeed, another ‘he and she’ is born into our family. My mom knew about the curse, so she was reluctant to have a child with my dad, but they were stars in 1950's Hollywood, and in those days, couples were expected to have children. So I was born, a victim of the curse. Mom originally wanted to name me ‘Janet Leigh Curtis’ after herself if I was born a girl, but she decided ‘Jamie Lee’ was more appropriate for someone who wasn’t quite male or female. We told everybody I was female; since it was the 1950's, and both Mommy and Daddy were Hollywood stars, it simply wouldn’t do if the gossip papers ever learned I was both male and female. Alas, I’m also sterile, which is why Christopher and I adopted those two kids. The family has gone to great lengths to protect me. And I refuse to say a word about it publicly. So shut up about the topic, and don’t dare reveal my true nature to anyone! How would you like it if I told everyone you two knew that you were hermaphrodites?"

Markie and Sal thought about it, then realized, "You make a good point."

J. L. continued, "It’s a tough lifestyle, and I never really wanted to be both genders at once, but Christopher convinced me shortly after we married. During the honeymoon, I learned the true joys of having two sets of sex organs." She couldn’t help but giggle at those remarks. "But nobody knows the truth aside from him, my parents, a couple of agents, the members of this organization and a small support group of ‘natural’ hermaphrodites I belong to, and a sly bitch I met in sixth grade who accidentally saw me naked in my junior high gym and started the whole rumor. You can understand why I refused to shower with anyone else, but she somehow saw me and learned the whole truth. Today she’s a gossip columnist for a small-town newspaper, and I refuse to have anything to do with her.

"Don’t worry, dears. You’ll have trouble adjusting to the new lifestyle, but it’ll be worth it. You can have sex as a man or a woman. Few people ever get to experience joys like that. And you’ll never have troubles understanding things that ‘men’ or ‘women’ wouldn’t understand.

"Oh, and one last thing. You may have noticed that I frequently played a horror victim that, unusually, doesn’t get killed. That’s because I’m not very good at death scenes. Privately, to those who know my secret, I like to say it’s because the monsters get scared at ME when they see my little penis underneath!" Everyone laughed at that one.

Andy returned to the podium, and said, "Thank you, J. L! And now I declare this meeting of SLA adjourned until next week." He/she banged the podium, and everyone went home.

Markie and Sal knew they’d have a difficult time ahead, but they were determined to make the most of it. Starting in their bed that night. Sal would tell everyone she’d just gotten implants, while Markie would change his identity to being Sal’s sister. Of course, everyone would wonder where the fathers of their children were, but they’d just say they skipped town and would probably never be heard from again, except for occasional child support payments. Although nothing could be farther from the truth, it was far more believable. Markie would have to get a new job, and both Johnsons would have to wear skirts to keep the one male part of their bodies from showing. Still, with just a few changes, everything was going to be okay for Markie and Sal in their new identities.

THE END

 

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