This story is dedicated to Janet Stickney, who has provided many hours of reading enjoyment. Janet, this one is for you.

 

The Soda

Robin Addams
robin@robinaddams.com

 

None of this would have happened if I hadn’t had that extra soda after lunch. I’d had a little time to kill, waiting, and I settled in with a book and a Diet Dew. As I read I could faintly hear people moving around upstairs, rattling around doing whatever they were up to. Eventually I heard a rush of feet on the stairs, and without a word or a pause my sister bounded out the front door. A few minutes later measured footsteps came treading down the stairs, and Mom’s voice came from the living room entrance. "I’ll be back later, Honey. You be good."

"I will, Mom." I briefly looked up, to see her rooting around in her purse, then returned my attention to the book. As I read, the door opened and closed, and a few moments later her car could be heard backing down the drive. Finally the coast was clear.

Mom was spending the afternoon shopping and wouldn’t be home until it was time to make dinner. Lucy, my sister, was heading for a friend’s house and wouldn’t be home till late that night.

I took swift advantage of their absence and, as usual, made a beeline for Lucy’s room as soon as they were safely out of the house. From my room I’d taken a pair of panties, my pushemup bra, birdseed forms, and nylons. I’d managed to buy them out of my limited allowance and hide them away in the back of my bottom dresser drawer, behind the collection of unworn Christmas sweaters from my Aunt Ida. When I’d first started trying on Lucy’s things I’d used her underwear, but rapidly decided I didn’t want to wear someone else’s, even if they belonged to my sister.

Once in her room I rapidly stripped and pulled the panties on. I’d bought them several months previously and had messed up on the sizing, so they were about two sizes too small. They weren’t the most comfortable things in the world, but until I could divert more money into buying new ones, I was stuck with them. Besides, as tight as they were, they helped prevent any sign of unwanted bulges.

Next I held the bra up to my body backwards and deftly clipped the ends together. I twisted it around and seated the straps comfortably on my shoulders. Picking up the birdseed-filled forms I’d made from a pair of stockings, I slipped them into place and adjusted the bra. Perfect. It wasn’t as good as if I had breasts of my own, but I definitely felt more like the way I should be shaped.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I drew the stockings up my legs. I sat there and looked down their length, drinking in the view of a pair of girl’s legs – my legs. Hair wasn’t a problem. Ever since I’d hit the age when tiny hairs started appearing, I’d made sure to keep my body neatly shaved and hairless. I’m sure Mom must have noticed by now that I didn’t have any body hair, but since she’d never seen me with any I figured she’d never figure out why. After all, I was small for my age, thin and pretty much underdeveloped, and the lack of body hair fit in perfectly with that image.

Next I went to my sister’s makeup table and reached unerringly for the foundation. Lucy liked to start with a liquid foundation, but I’d tried that several times and didn’t care for it, so I used some powder foundation I’d found squirreled away in the back of a drawer. As I spread and carefully blended the makeup, I reflected that it was fortunate that my sister and I shared the same pale Irish complexion, as well as the same strawberry-blonde hair. It made things much easier for me, having the right shades close at hand.

I swiftly applied blusher, about two fingers-width of my favorite coral at the cheekbones, and then started working on my eyes. Once I’d been as likely to stab myself as get things right, but extensive practice had made it second nature. A few minutes later my face was complete.

The previous year I’d been able to convince Mom that "all the guys" had pierced ears nowadays, and with some reluctance she’d let me get studs. Now I removed the studs and slipped in my favorite pair of Lucy’s earrings. I stood, walked to the closet, and rapidly selected a dress from the over-filled rack. Oh, how I wished this was my closet. Lucy was, to put it kindly, a clothes-horse, and this closet of forbidden fruit was a real magnet for me. I selected a pale blue sleeveless mini and slipped it on. Taking my favorite heels from the closet floor, I deposited them on the floor by the bed and returned to the makeup table. I had long hair, something else I’d been able to slip past Mom. It was a lot curlier than I’d have preferred for day-to-day use, but it had the advantage of making the final part of my appearance easier to achieve. I just pulled the tie-back from my ponytail and started working at the hair with a rounded brush. In mere moments my mane was ready. I stepped to the bed and slipped on the shoes, and then admired myself in the mirror.

Robert, the scrawny and introverted teenage boy was gone, replaced by a beautiful (if immodest) girl. I hoped that someday the girl would be able to do more than stand in the bedroom and admire herself in the mirror. As much as I’d dressed as my feminine alter ego, I’d never had the nerve to venture out of the house – for that matter, not off the second floor. I was always careful, not wanting to be caught out by either Mom or Lucy, and this way if I heard one of them returning unexpectedly I’d have time to sweep my clothes from my room and dash to the bathroom for a quick return to Robert. In fact, I’d had to do just that a few times in the past, and had gotten away clean every time. This left me pretty confident that it wouldn’t be a problem if the need should recur.

I started thinking, and wondered if I dared head downstairs for a bit. I stood there, lost in thought, as that extra Dew started to make its presence felt in my bladder. I strode down the hall, heels clicking on the oak floor, enjoying the feel of the nylons and the dress flowing around my thighs. Once in the bathroom, as I sat and relieved myself, I thought hard about the risks involved in braving the living room, and finally decided that it should be safe enough today, given that nobody was due back for hours.

Finished, I got myself all arranged, washed my hands, opened the door and stepped confidently into the hall, turning for the stairs. To my horror, at the top of the stairs was my mother, just starting down the hall. She stopped short, staring at me as I came to a mortified halt.

"Robert?" she asked quizzically while I tried to think up a good explanation. I nodded dumbly, then sank to the floor, my head in my hands. She stepped over to me, and I could see her feet and ankles as she stood above me, looking down silently. I knew my life was over, and waited for the explosion of fury, but it never came. Instead she quietly said, "Get up off the floor, honey. You’re going to get your dress all dirty." I looked up at her, to see her patiently standing with a resigned look on her face. "Lets go downstairs and talk about this. I think... no, let’s go downstairs." She helped me to my feet and then we both headed for the steps, my heels tapping accusingly on the floor.

Descending to the living room, my mind raced a mile-a-minute. How in heaven’s name was I going to explain this away? Mom led me into the living room and took a seat, gesturing me to the sofa opposite her. "Now, is there anything you’d like to tell me?"

I sat helplessly, trying desperately to think of something – anything — to say. "I didn’t, I didn’t mean for you to find out like this."

"Obviously." Mom looked at me, one eyebrow raised, waiting patiently for me to continue. I finally figured that that there was no point in hiding things any longer, Mom having discovered me at the worst possible moment.

I sighed, then got down to it. "Okay, I guess it’s time to let you know what’s up. It’s... I’m... Mom, I should have been a girl."

She smiled sadly and said, "I had a feeling that’s what you were going to say. How long have you felt this way?"

"Pretty much all my life, but it wasn’t till I was seven or eight that I’d figured out what it meant. And by then I knew better than to tell anybody." I paused and then continued. "Remember Julie?" Julie was the girl who’d lived next door while I was growing up. We were within a couple of months of the same age, and we were best friends. We’d gone everywhere together, done everything together, and played together until her family moved away when we were eleven. "When we played, it was almost always with her things, the dolls, her tea set, stuff like that. You always used to tell me it was something I’d grow out of."

Mom nodded and said, "We thought it was just because you didn’t have any other close friends, and when the time came you’d move on to other things."

"No. I’d figured things out by third grade, but I’d seen Jerry Springer and stuff like that on TV, and I knew I’d get in a lot of trouble if I ever told anyone. I think Julie had a clue, but she never asked and I never told her."

"And you’ve been dressing like a girl ever since." It was a statement, not a question. "When I saw you upstairs, I knew it wasn’t a one-time thing. You look too good for this to be some kind of experiment."

I nodded. "I’ve always been able to wear Lucy’s old clothes. There was a time when her stuff was too big for me, when she started growing, but then I caught up and fortunately never got bigger than her."

Mom smiled a small but crooked smile and said, "Lucy has been complaining to me for years that you’ve been into her things, but I always thought it was just the usual younger brother snooping into the older sister’s room."

I watched Mom sitting there thinking, and finally my curiosity got the better of me. "Mom? Why... I thought you’d be angry. Why..." I trailed off.

"Why aren’t I shouting and making a scene?"

"Well, yes."

Mom smiled sadly again, then replied. "I’m not happy, that’s true. It’s not something I’d ever thought of happening to my son, but it’s not something I’m totally unfamiliar with."

"What?"

"It happened a long time ago, in your father’s family. Why don’t I invite Ida over for dinner and she can tell you about it. She was a lot closer to the situation and can tell you a lot better than I ever could."

"Um..." Someone in Dad’s family? That was a total shock. One of my aunts? Or maybe... I had lots of girl cousins. Could one of them...? "Okay."

"I’ll go call her. You still look pretty well shook up. Why don’t you try relaxing a bit and we’ll talk more about this later on."

"Okay. I’ll go up and change and then maybe take a nap or something."

"No. Stay dressed like you are now. I want her to see how you look."

My breath stopped for a moment as I got up from the sofa. Someone else would see me like this? Even if it was my favorite aunt with the sweater-impaired fashion sense, this was going to be difficult.

"By the way, Honey, what do you call yourself as a girl?"

"Robin. I call myself Robin."

I went upstairs and tried to rest, but it didn’t seem to do me much good. I tried reading, but couldn’t concentrate and the words just jumbled together. Eventually I gave up and headed back downstairs. I wandered around, not enjoying my first time as Robin in this part of the house, and finally wound up in the backyard screened-in porch. I sat there lost in thought for quite a while, until the doorbell rang. Mom called out to me from the kitchen to get the door, and I got up and started toward the front of the house. I got about halfway and had second thoughts. I headed back to the kitchen and asked Mom, "Are you sure you want ME to answer it?"

Mom looked up from the newspaper she was leafing through, and said, "Of course. Are you afraid to get the door?"

"Um, yeah, all things considered, yeah."

"Honey, if you’re right, if you should have been a girl, then it won’t do a bit of good to hide it. Now why don’t you go see who’s out there."

I turned slowly and walked to the front hall. The bell rang again as I reached for the knob. I swung the door open to find my best friend, Jerry, staring openmouthed at me. "R-Rob?"

"I — I can explain."

"God, I hope so. I went around the corner and saw you on the porch, but you looked kind of out of it, so I came around the front."

I’d frozen with no idea what to say, no idea how to salvage things with Jerry, when Mom’s voice came from behind. "Come on in, Jerry, she’s a bit shy today."

I numbly led him through the house, back to the porch, and resumed my seat, automatically smoothing my dress beneath me. Jerry sat on the padded wrought-iron chair opposite mine, leaning forward expectantly. "Okay now, spill."

"I am NOT having a good day."

"Yeah, like I hadn’t guessed that. So what gives, man? You definitely don’t look like Rob – like yourself."

It all came pouring out, "Robin, not Rob. And this IS the real me. God, I’ve hated hiding for so long, trying to pretend to be the boy when that’s not me at all."

"You mean you’re really a girl?"

I nodded. "I always have been, despite how my body looks. I’ve just been too scared to let anybody know. And now, now I screwed up and everybody’s going to know I’m a freak!" I burst into tears and Jerry instantly left his chair, dropping to one knee by my chair and wrapping me into a tight hug. I lost it completely then, wrapping my arms tightly around him as I bawled into his shoulder.

"You’re not a freak," he said softly. "You’re a very beautiful girl." This, for some reason sent me into a renewed paroxysm of tears.

"Ev- everyone’s going to know and they’ll think I’m weird like the idiots on Springer and I can’t live with…" He shushed me and held as tightly to me as I held on to him. I finally calmed and loosened my hold on his body. I snuffled a few times, saying "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean..." I trailed off.

"It’s okay."

I thought he was going to continue, but from the doorway to the house came a quiet, "Ahem." We both turned and Mom was standing in the door, looking at us with a mock stern expression. "Jerry, I’m sorry but Robin needs to get ready for dinner. We have a guest coming and she needs to compose herself and get cleaned up."

"I’m sorry, Mrs. Addams. I didn’t mean to..."

"I know. You were trying to help. Why don’t you stop over tomorrow and we can discuss everything then."

Jerry left and I headed back upstairs to redo my makeup. I went into Lucy’s room, took off the dress and lay it on the bed, then sat at the makeup table and stripped the ruined makeup. I ran down the hall in my underwear to the bathroom, washed my face and availed myself of the facilities, then headed back towards Lucy’s room. Sitting on the bed, looking grim, was Mom. "You know that if you do this, you’re going to have to face people?" I nodded. "I heard what you said to Jerry, and if you’re going to be a girl, people ARE going to talk, they ARE going to think there’s something wrong with you." I nodded again, soberly. "The only thing you can do is be the best girl possible, be so natural and authentic that they’ll doubt you ever were a boy."

"I know, Mom. That’s exactly what I want to do. It’s just that this is, well, pretty scary. After all, I’m going to lose all my friends."

She smiled, "I hardly think so. After all, Jerry wasn’t exactly pushing you away."

I colored and said, "It’s not like that, Mom. He was just trying to help me calm down."

"Did I say anything? Besides, you liked it, didn’t you?"

"Mom, he’s a guy!"

She gave me a knowing look and said dryly, "That he is." She stood and started for the door, then turned back to me. "By the way, young lady, I don’t want to see you parading around here in your underwear. When you leave your room, either be fully dressed or wear a robe."

"I don’t have a robe."

"Very well, we’ll take care of that later." And with that she left the room.

A half hour later I joined Mom downstairs, my composure restored and my face and hair fixed. She was just taking a casserole from the oven when the doorbell rang again. With a sigh I went to the front and opened the door, greeting Aunt Ida. She stepped in, gave me a good top-to-bottom look, and gave me a big hug. "You look so good, Hun, you’re going to fit right in." This was all going a bit fast for me, so I stepped back and let my aunt lead me to the kitchen. When we arrived, Mom had pretty much everything on the table. She motioned for me to pour drinks (Iced tea for her and Aunt Ida, Diet Dew for me), and once I’d done that and sat down, we said grace and dug right in.

During dinner Mom and my aunt made small talk. I wasn’t hungry, worries about the swift changes my life was undergoing keeping my attention. I quietly picked ay my food, trying my best to melt into the background. Of course it didn’t work. While they were enjoying their coffee, Aunt Ida finally turned to me and said, "You’ve been pretty quiet all through dinner. Nerves?"

"Something like that," I tried to smile. "Today..." I trailed off.

Aunt Ida smiled softly. "It’s okay. I think I understand." She gestured towards the back porch. "Why don’t we all go sit out there and talk about this. I’d like to tell you a story that might help you feel better." We quickly cleaned up the dinner leavings and walked out to the porch. Settling ourselves in, Aunt Ida spoke. "Robin, Jan has told me about this afternoon and what was said. I know this is a difficult time for you, but believe me, we’re on your side and want to help you succeed."

"Mom said this has happened before, in Dad’s family?"

"Yes. I wish Phil were still here to help explain things, but..." Aunt Ida trailed to a plaintive stop. Dad and Aunt Ida were pretty close, and when he’d passed away two years before, she’d been almost as despondent as Mom and I. "I don’t think you know about any of this? Your father once had a younger brother, Barry."

"No, this is the first I’ve heard of him. He’s the one you’ve hinted at?"

"Yes. His story is quite similar to yours. By the time he was twelve he’d figured out what’s what and who he was. He started ‘borrowing’ clothes from his sisters, and over the next few years he got pretty good at dressing and makeup and just generally presenting himself as a girl. He thought he knew what would happen if he were caught, however, so he kept it pretty thoroughly hidden until one day his brother returned home early, pretty much like you mother did today. Phil caught Barry fully dressed up, and went ballistic."

As I listened to Aunt Ida speak I had the dismaying feeling I knew where this was going.

"I’m afraid your father didn’t treat Barry very well at first. He told your grandparents right away, and then the rest of his sisters. They weren’t happy with things either, but they at least managed to keep everything quiet." Aunt Ida gave a rueful laugh. "Believe me, it took a lot of doing for my sisters and I to keep an eye on Phil and make sure he wasn’t going to spill any family secrets."

I sat forward, wondering where this was heading. My dread suspicions of a moment before seemed to be baseless, but that raised a question: Which of my aunts had once been my uncle Barry?

"It took some time, but eventually we got things straightened out within the family. Barry saw professionals for longer than he ever wanted to, but he was finally diagnosed with ‘Gender Dysphoria’, what we nowadays call ‘Gender Identity Disorder’. With that diagnosis, Barry was able to gain access to medications that started feminizing his body, and more importantly the grudging cooperation of his family. Yes," she laughed, "even your father. It took a while but he finally came around, and finally he and his brother – now his sister – became friends again."

I watched her quietly, waiting for the other shoe to drop, as I knew it must.

"God, I miss him. He did so much to help me when I ‘came out’ at school." Aunt Ida shot me a questioning glance. "You don’t look much surprised."

"I might have been, but you kind of telegraphed it."

She smiled and put a hand on my knee. "I wasn’t trying to keep it a secret. I guess I still have the urge to dramatize things."

Mom closed her eyes and said, "I met Ida in high school. I’d transferred in, so I never knew her as Barry. A few of the kids were, well, treating her like some kind of leper, but most students acted like it was no big deal."

Ida continued, "Your mother and I were in several of the same classes. We grew to be friends, and somewhere along the way I introduced her to my brother. They hit it off, and, well, you know the rest of that story." She abruptly stood and walked to the edge of the porch, looking off into the back yard. "As to my story, the rest of my high school years weren’t as bad as you might be imagining. Over time people seemed to forget that I’d been anyone but Ida, and they treated me like any other high school girl. I went on to college, and in the summer before my junior year I had my surgery, using money I’d saved and a lot of help from your grandparents. I had the normal complement of boyfriends, and in my senior year I met your Uncle Tim."

"Does he..?"

"Know about my past? Oh, yes." She turned to me with a serious look. "That’s something you can never hide from your husband, Robin. I suppose you could lie about it, but if you truly love him then you have to tell him the truth -- before you are married." I returned the look, and finally she looked away, smiling. "When the time is right, you’ll understand what I’m talking about."

We talked a little longer about her remarkable life, and some of the things she’d done while she was becoming a girl. Finally she looked at her watch and gestured me to rise. "I think it’s time for us to go before it gets to be too late."

"Go?"

She turned to my mom. "You didn’t tell her?"

Mom colored slightly and shook her head. "There really wasn’t time. Besides, I thought you’d want to."

"Tell me what?"

"Your mother and I decided that you should stay at my place tonight, and then tomorrow, after you’ve had a chance to think, we’ll all sit down and discuss what you want to do."

I stood and faced them both. "I don’t need to think about it. If it’s possible and you’ll let me, I want to do just Aunt Ida did."

I did just that. There was a lot of consternation at school, but it passed in time, and by the time I graduated most everyone seemed to have forgotten my past. Jerry was my boyfriend all through school. We tried to stay together in college, but being at different schools, we eventually drifted apart.

I had a few boyfriends in college, but nobody serious until I met Bill Ermantopz. Yes, I eventually told him my secret, and he didn’t freak. In the summer before my senior year I had my surgery, and when I woke he was sitting at my bedside. We were married shortly after graduation, and we’ve lived happily ever since.

My favorite drink is still Diet Dew.

 

 

 

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© 2002 by Robin Addams. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.