The following story is fictional, any resemblance to events or persons is unintentional. With thanks to Pickles, Kim, and most definitely Kit for comments, proofing and suggestions.

 

Ships ...

by Zoe Burgess
© 2002 by Zoe Burgess, (New Zealand) All rights reserved.
Email: zoegrrl_1@yahoo.com.au

 

I looked out at the fogged sliding door out onto my balcony, where hopefully Samantha was lowering herself into my hot-tub. If it wasn't for the fogged up window I could probably see her, but I would have to take it on faith that she was.

I still felt kinda guilty for getting it. I mean, I live in an apartment complex, spare space isn't something that you come by. But I got a bonus check late last summer and I decided to treat myself, and so got a portable hot-tub put on my balcony. You should have seen the delivery guys' faces, there was this almost audible "You want it where?" hanging in the air when I told them where I wanted it put when they arrived in the lobby of the apartment building.

But, I live on the fourteenth floor, so just lying there in the evenings with that beautiful view, with the sun going down, it's just magical. Plus our balconies are organised in such a way that nobody can look in any one else's, so I just had to use it. Slipping into it last winter when it was snowing was incredibly decadent, but it was just beautiful having those flakes floating down while the water boiled around me ... it was definitely worth it.

Pulling myself out of my reverie I double-checked myself in the mirror, a nice tank-ini bathing suit with high-cut briefs was cool, it's what I normally wore into the tub anyway, but I like the way I looked in it. Sometimes being 5"9' sucked, but wearing a suit like this was worth it, especially after all those hours at the gym. Not that I was perfect by any stretch of the imagination though, but I kinda liked how I looked. I tied my hair up in a fluffy ponytail and triple-checked my makeup.

So I was nervous, so sue me. I was finally seducing Sam tonight and I wanted everything to go right.

Because she was worth it, really worth it.

I picked up the glass of wine and the beer off the counter top and slid the balcony door open with my elbow, the slight chill in the early summer night air sending a slight shiver through me.

Not that I really noticed, as Sam was sitting there.

God, she was sexy.

Her short spikey hair was slightly wet on one side from where she had obviously raked it through with a hand after she had gotten into the tub. Her t-shirt was plastered to her muscled body, exposing her sport-bra type bikini top beneath... and her strong legs were wonderfully defined with the wet shorts hiding nothing.

God, I wanted her.

Her face split into a grin as she saw me come out, that little quirk in the corner of her mouth standing out that was oh so cute. Her eyes looked like she could only see me and nothing else.

"Wow." She breathed. "You look awesome."

I blushed. "Thank you, Ma'am" I said, and made a silly attempt at a curtsy, which got a laugh out of Sam. "But why did you get out of the tub?"

She looked in the water from where she was sitting on the edge of the tub, and quietly said "I was waiting for you." Her eyes never left mine.

I was going to melt right there on the balcony if I wasn't careful.

I quietly padded over to her and offered her the beer, which she took. "Well, here I am."

"Mmmmm, definitely." She purred.

I looked into her strong, well-defined face. I was normally about an inch or so shorter than her when I was without heels, but here with her sitting on the edge of the tub she was quite a bit taller than me.

She reached down and kissed me, my lips parting slightly to feel her lips against mine. Something I knew I was never going to get sick of.

I started thinking about when we first met.

I had been at a client's place. Being a corporate lawyer has its benefits, and being able to get out of the office during the day was one of them. I was meeting the partners of the firm I was trying to woo for my company at their premises so we could go out to lunch together; with us paying of course. Don't you just love expense accounts?

Anyway, I had gotten out of the lift and been told to wait by the main receptionist when I spotted the most incredible pair of buns I had ever seen.

Strong, tight, and oh so incredibly female, outlined in a pair of jeans when the owner of said buns was bending over. She was in the midst of some reconstruction work the company was obviously doing for some offices.

The receptionist murmured something about an apology for the construction going on and I think I told her not to worry about it.

Oooooo ... definitely don't worry about it.

Finally said owner stood up, her t-shirt hanging off her, the muscles in her shoulders showing through, sweat glistening in her black spiked hair.

I think I must have been staring at her for a while, because one of the guy workers poked her in the ribs and pointed me out to her.

She turned and I think I almost drooled.

She looked just as good from the front, and looked so incredibly calm and collected, serene almost, even with all the dust and wood shavings on her. She told me later that when she saw me there she had felt so incredibly awful and embarrassed, being all dirty with this power-femme in an uber-clean pants-suit looked at her. She said then that I had looked stunning.

Stunned was more like it. Not like myself normally, my mouth went dry and my jaw locked up, I had no idea what to say. Me, who could talk automated machine answering services to death.

She smiled at me and I smiled back, probably looking like a complete silly cow.

Then suddenly the partners were there and I had to focus on them. Virtually impossible given this gorgeous piece of dyke-heaven I had just been gawking at, but I tried. She told me later I had turned when the partners arrived and seemed all business. I told her that right then business had been the last thing on my mind.

The partners and I left to have lunch and I have no idea how I fumbled through it, let alone secure the clients, but I did. I hadn't ever actually considered love at first sight, or rather lust at first sight if I was to be honest, I had just thought it was something that was exaggerated, but I had to admit, it did seem to be happening to me.

And, as ridiculous as it may seem, my heart went all over the place as the lift took us slowly back up to the offices of my new clients after lunch.

And there she was.

I think I said something meaningless and deep to the partners as I bid them goodbye for the day, promising to send them something-or-rather that apparently, probably, was extremely important. Luckily I suppose I had done this enough times that it was virtually autopilot for me.

She was still there.

Her skin glistened with a light sheen of sweat, making the lights in the reception flicker off her muscled arms, her eyes flashing as she simultaneously looked at me and focused on the task that she was in the middle of.

And she smiled at me.

My insides moved of their own accord and I felt my stomach lurch. I smiled back and turned to go back out the elevator. She was to tell me later that I seemed mysterious and enchanting striding back to the lift doors with the kind of strength that only a true dyke has. Personally I think she was just flattering me. My brain was just working on autopilot as the rest of me had no clue which way from Sunday I was going.

I was a mess for the rest of the day back in my office, of course. I kept kicking myself as to why I didn't say anything. But, of course, who was I kidding? The way she had affected me, I would have been lucky to put together two-syllable words, let alone anything remotely resembling a coherent sentence to talk to her. I think my secretary worked out something was up, as I miraculously was without meetings for the afternoon. Lucy was incredible, the kind of assistant without which I wouldn't be half the success I had been up to this point. Not that I was particularly reflecting that success that afternoon mind you.

And now I wouldn't see her again.

Of course, though, I saw her soon there after.

And no, it wasn't in a bar, thank you very much. The major women's bookstore downtown was hosting a book signing for one of my favourite feminist/lesbian fiction writers one evening, and I was meeting some friends there to listen to her speak and, of course, get our books signed. This was my first time really out since I had seen Her, as I had spent the previous couple weeks either moping or putting in long hours at the office. I think part of me was only going because my friends were forcing me out of my apartment for a change.

I walked in and shucked off my coat, hanging in amongst the other various clothing pieces that were draped on the overburdened coat-stands near the doors.

I got the normal glares that a femme dyke always gets from the group of older traditionalist lesbian-feminists in the corner - it didn't matter that I could debate them into the ground on contemporary feminist/lesbian issues and theory, I wore makeup and a skirt, that was treason in their books - and found my friends sitting in amongst the chairs and tables in the middle of the store, requisite mugs of coffee in hand. I gratefully took a cup of black nectar myself and pulled a chair across.

We were all university graduates, having met mostly through local lesbian events and feminist classes while we had been studying, and now were fairly firmly entrenched in our respective careers. Well, maybe not quite Patricia, who was, and is, still trying to get tenure.

The moment I had known I was lesbian was when Sally Feldman and I, just before starting high school, admitted to each other one afternoon in the local park that we had crushes on each other, and each experienced our first kiss with a girl. My parents were quite shocked to find that their feminine little girl liked other girls, as this was the last thing they, or anyone at school, had expected from the likes of me, but after a period of tenseness between us, they came to see it wasn't a phase. My mother now even mentions how the daughters of friends of hers were doctors, didn't I know, and wouldn't I like to meet one of them?

After saying hi to everyone around our little table I perused the store, and there she was.

Leaning up against the wall with some other women around her, all talking animatedly, with her the complete opposite of them; calm in the storm of her friends.

It looked like she had seen me earlier, as she was looking directly at me with that little quirky smile of hers. I felt the heat in my face as it obviously was going an incredible shade of red. Naturally my friends picked up on it and looked around them to see what the cause of my colouration was. Of course, they then saw her too. Low whistles of appreciation followed and I was asked who she was. When I said I had no idea they didn't believe me till I explained about seeing her at a client's offices.

The usual, obligatory, comments about her being obviously good with her hands followed, and encouragements were begun in telling me to go talk to her, when quickly they were cut short by an announcement that the author was about to speak.

Given that she was one of my favourite authors I really should have listened to the woman speak, but I couldn't. I kept restraining myself from looking over at Her, and then giving in, and then quickly looking away, and then repeating the process a million times over. Occasionally I could see that she was doing the same, all the time with that wonderful sweet smile on her face.

I saw her beautiful jaw-line, the curve of her cheekbones, her incredible eyes, her wonderful round ears displayed proudly, un-pierced, exposed due to her spiky hair, her strong neck sloping sexily down into the collar of her shirt. There was no author on the planet that was going to compete with this amazon for my attention.

Finally the author finished speaking, and we all clapped, slowly getting up into the line to get our books signed. My friends, of course, had noticed where my gaze had lingered the whole time, and teased me about it, as only friends can. I just blushed, but lost track of her in the crowd of people getting organised to have their books signed.

I got my chance with the author and said something about how long I had been reading her work and how much it had meant to me through college. She said something nice in return and signed the inside page for me. I walked towards those of my friends who had already done the whole signing of the book performance, when a tap on the shoulder stopped me. I turned around.

It was her.

She was standing right there in front of me, actually looking a little flustered for the very first time that I had seen. My heart rose quickly in my throat as the possibilities, particularly the nice ones, for the reason behind that fluster flicked through my mind.

"Ah ... " she said "hi."

My smile must have been huge. "Hi."

"Um ... I kinda saw you at the office job I was working at a couple weeks ago, didn't I?"

"Yes, I did ... I mean, you did ... I mean, yes, it was me." Great, I was obviously not the one with great control of verbal skills.

She smiled at the stumbling of my tongue. She told me later that she had thought it was so cute, like being back in high school.

"Well ... I know you probably don't give your number out to perfect strangers or anything, but I was wondering if you would mind me giving you a call to go out for a drink or a meal or something ... ?"

Yes! Woohoo! I grinned at her. "My name's Joanne." I stuck out my hand.

She took it quizzically and shook it. "Sam. Samantha."

"Well, Sam, since we aren't perfect strangers anymore, I would love to give you my number."

She smiled and showed all her teeth as she understood what I was doing. I felt like the rest of the world didn't exist. A gorgeous woman had asked for my number and I was giving it to her. I know I should have been a little more careful about giving it out like this, but really, at that moment, I didn't care.

The only space she had was in her signed copy of the book she was carrying, so I wrote it in there, apologising for not having anything other than my PDA for writing in my purse. She didn't even carry one. I had even left my business cards at home.

She smiled. "I'll call you."

"I'll be looking forward to it." Oh, you bet I would.

She smiled and turned back to her friends, and I did the same. The knowing grins from my friends, and the laughs as soon as I was in earshot congratulated me.

I think I could have been floating. But a big part of me didn't even expect her to call.

However, of course, she called. The next day.

I met her downtown for lunch at this cool little bistro with outdoor dining that

I knew of. Early summer warmth was over the city and I wanted to enjoy it. She was right on time, strolling up in her khaki slacks and pullover v-neck sweater, a white t-shirt underneath peaking out the top. She just looked incredible. I wore a simple sleeve-less knee-length linen dress with a cardigan. Course I had spent a couple years figuring out what on earth to wear.

From the moment we started chatting we felt like we had known each other forever. We swapped coming-out stories, family stories, school stories, and work stories. Lunch finished and neither of us seemed to want things to stop, so we walked down to the local park and walked and sat by the lake there, talking all the time. Eventually she walked me back to my car.

Things were awkward for the first time that day as we both stood there by my convertible, each running out of ways to say goodbye, but leaving the opening for a kiss or something, but neither wanting to make the first move in case it was over the line. Finally I took in a deep breath and spoke.

"So, you going to kiss me goodbye, or not?"

She looked at me and grinned. "I was hoping you would ask."

She reached forward with her hand and cupped my face, drawing it to her own. Our lips touched lightly initially, and then a little stronger. I wrapped my arms around behind her head and kissed her back, strongly and enjoying every moment of it. Her hands splayed out over my back.

I'd love to say that there were angels singing in the background and the world shifted to rotate solely beneath us, but I can't. We always compare our kisses to those we see in the movies, imagining how swept up the people therein must be, because the passion is so obviously written on their faces. We seem to forget that they are actors and are probably not feeling anything other than mild annoyance at remembering they have to pick clothing up from the dry-cleaners on the way home. Real kisses are those where there isn't a sound director in the background cueing the score to peak at exactly the right moment, or having the camera-operator pull back for a wide positioning shot centred on said swept-up couple.

But it was wonderful. Sam's mouth parted slightly, as did mine and I could feel the slight intake of air into her mouth as she felt my lips against hers, as she must have felt from me. I just closed my eyes after enjoying the sight of her reaching in to kiss me and lost myself in the sensations that were coming from my lips. I decided to take the lead and let my tongue flick out from between my teeth and touch hers, finding her just as eager to play with me. The softness and passion so solidly reminded me why I was lesbian, and why the first time I kissed a girl sealed everything for me. It was a first kiss, and simply, bluntly, it rocked.

I'm a sucker for a good kisser, so sue me. Everyone is a sucker for at least one thing, and kissing for me was it. I don't think I could be with someone that wasn't compatible kissing-wise with me, and trust me, I've met people that weren't. Sam had _absolutely_ nothing to worry about in that department. I have no idea how long we stood there just connected with each other, at last letting ourselves express what we felt for the other.

Finally we pulled back. There were a number of people staring, as the general public always does when they see two women kissing like that. But we didn't really care.

I looked in her eyes, only inches away from my own. "Mmmmmm, you think I'm going to get more like that?"

Her eyes twinkled. "Oh, most definitely."

She gave me a piece of card with her number on it, making me promise to call her as I made her do the same.

I got into my car and started the engine, turning to look at her as I lowered my sunglasses. We lent over to each other and kissed quickly.

"Bye, Jo."

"Bye, Sam."

I licked my lips to taste her again and smiled as I put the car in gear and drove off.

The next couple weeks were a blur. We saw each other every chance we could get, and my free time when I wasn't working, sleeping or at the gym was spent chatting with my friends on the phone filling them in on all the details they demanded.

But, funnily enough, we didn't immediately fall into bed. I had been around the block a few times. An early-thirties dyke that had been on the scene since her late teens couldn't help but be. I had had my fair share of one-night stands that had been incredibly fun, plus a number of relationships that had seemed serious but had never really completely worked out. But, with Sam, we just didn't. We had a wonderful time just being with each other, talking, seeing plays and movies, chatting about the plays and movies we had just seen, discussing books and writers, having lunch and dinner together.

Not that we didn't make out like love-struck teenagers however.

My secretary worked out what was up very quickly, as I was out as lesbian at work, and even met Sam one day when she came to my office to pick me up for lunch. Conspiratorially my entirely straight and supposedly happily engaged secretary told me after I came back from my lunch that day with Sam that if she was to switch teams, then Sam would be the one she would do it for. She was just that yummy.

I laughed with her and had to completely agree. Lucy told me she thought it was wonderful, as she hadn't seen me this happy in a long time.

And I was. I was falling in love, after all.

And finally, I invited her back one evening to have a soak in my hot-tub at my apartment. 

I stood there with her arms wrapped around me as we broke our kiss.

"What were you thinking about?"

I smiled at her.

"Just about when we first met."

She grinned. "Ooo, you looking so sexy in that pants-suit in that office."

I smiled evilly and giggled. "Your buns tight in those jeans."

She laughed and kissed me again as I stepped over the edge into the warmth of the tub. Sam slid in next to me and put her arm around me again as I snuggled into her.

We just sat there for a while, being with each other.

"Joanne?" She said quietly into my ear.

"Yes, hon?" I murmured back at her.

"I know it's soon and all, but I ... I think I'm falling in love with you. I can't help it ... I just ... "

My heart swooned inside me and I turned under her arm and looked her in the face.

"Shhhhh ... " I said, putting my finger on her lips, quietening her. "It's ok sweetheart. I think I'm falling in love with you too."

A look of complete relief washed over her face and her eyes leapt in joy.

I reached over and put my glass of wine on the table I usually kept beside the tub, also taking the beer out of Sam's and putting it there as well.

I shifted myself in the water till I was sitting in her lap, facing her. Cupping her face with both hands I kissed her passionately, her hands holding my backside, keeping me in her lap in the warm water. My mouth hungrily moved over hers, our tongues reacquainting themselves strongly.

She moaned slightly, as did I.

"Sam," I finally said to her face. "I want to make love to you tonight."

Sam's hand ran up over my body, passing over my tummy to lightly move her thumb over my breast and nipple. I almost arched my back instinctively as my body let me know in no uncertain terms what it wanted.

"As do I to you, love." She replied.

Hungrily we started tearing at each other's clothes, the water in the tub sloshing out onto the balcony floor, our hands exploring each other's bodies as clothes were shed.

My tank-ini top came off very quickly, her lips immediately reaching down to kiss my nipples, which in their condition at that moment were incredibly easy for her to find. I pulled her t-shirt off, exposing her muscled torso framed deliciously by her sports bra. That was about all I could do as her lips and hands drove all conscious thought very firmly out of my mind.

She stood up, carrying me in her arms, which I was impressed by, though I could see that it wasn't entirely an easy act for her, which I smiled inwardly at.

"Can I take you to your bedroom?" She asked.

I managed to put a sentence together. "Please do, love."

She carried me dripping through my apartment to my bedroom, lightly placing me down on the bed, the two of us thoroughly soaking the bed sheets, but I didn't care in the slightest. My arms pulled her head down with me as I locked my lips onto hers. She eagerly got on the bed with me and pulled my bikini briefs off, exposing me to her as she dived down and started kissing me between my legs.

I think I screamed about that point and wrapped my legs around the back of her head, forcing her down.

That didn't even faze Sam, as she continued sucking, and kissing and nibbling and a million other things that I couldn't possibly think of. Finally, while playing with my clit with her nose, she entered me with her tongue and I screamed out loud again, this time climaxing with wave after wave.

Eventually when I could regain my sight I looked down at her face gazing up at me from between my legs. Her face was covered in me as I pulled her up and kissed her all over, tasting me on her. It was inevitable that I was going to climax that quickly after how turned on I had been thinking about being with her tonight, but this was just the beginning and now it was her turn.

I started teasing her nipples through the sports bra she still had on, and she tensed and moaned, trying to pull up away from me. I was having none of that so I quickly pulled her bra off, exposing her breasts to me, which were larger than I had expected, given how small the bra had been.

I immediately started suckling on them under her as she held herself above me on all fours.

"Joanne ..." she whimpered. " ... please ... "

I moved my hand down to where she still had her swimming trunks on, and pushed between her legs, feeling how incredibly warm she was, even through the wet trunks.

"Oh god ... no ... " She moaned.

I flipped her over so now I was on top, my hands exploring her body while my lips played with her breasts and stomach. Finally I allowed one of my knuckles to play across where her clit would be through the fabric, then wandering under the waistband of her shorts, and she tensed up incredibly.

Suddenly I was being thrown off her, my hand that had been under the waistband of her trunks, playing into her pubic hair in the stickiness that contrasted with the wetness from the tub, suddenly was pulled out and held fast by Sam's.

"What the...?" I exclaimed. "Sam?"

Sam looked down at me with pain and sadness in her eyes, I could see tears forming around the edges.

"Jo, ... I ... I can't ... "

I looked her body over, wonderful breasts, her trunks forced halfway down her legs when she wrenched my hand out of them, her vulva red and swollen, her beautiful body...

"Sam, what ... what's wrong? I thought ... I thought you wanted this?"

Her face screwed up, and she let go of my wrist. "I do ... I just ... " She turned away from me and let out a sob, pulling her trunks up with one hand.

Concern ached through me and I touched her back.

"Sam, what's wrong? Please tell me, love."

She slowly turned back and looked me in the face. I could see my concerned expression reflected back to me in her eyes.

Quiely, she spoke. "I want to make love to you ... so much ... " Her gaze took my naked form in next to her, her finger tracing down my side. "But ... but ... I can't ... I don't ... I don't want you to want me like this."

I was completely confused. "Want you like what, Sam?"

Her eyes just about drilled through me. "Like a woman."

The room spun. "Huh?" was all I could manage.

Sam shuffled down the bed and sat up on the end of it, her back to me.

Her voice bounced off the wall to me. "I don't want you to want me as another woman, I want you to want me as ... as ... "

"As what, Sam?" I crawled down the bed to her.

"As a man." She whispered.

I stared at her. She turned her head and looked at me, completely open and exposed emotionally, and knowing it.

"But ... what ... you ... huh?" I had no idea what to say.

I could see her take a large breath in. "Jo, I'm transsexual. Just starting, but

I am. I'm a man. Inside."

I jerked back a bit without thinking, and I could see the pain this caused her.

"That's why I couldn't ... didn't want to let you touch me there ... I thought I could just give you pleasure ... " She continued.

"But ... Jesus ... Sam ... why didn't you tell me this?" It was all I could ask.

She looked me in the eyes again. "I tried, so many times ... but we were always so happy together and I didn't want to spoil it, it just didn't seem the right time ... I even tried to out there in the tub..."

Oh, bloody hell. And I had cut her off.

"Oh. Shit." It was all I could say.

Things went really quiet for a little while.

"I'll leave if you want me to."

I just looked at her. Her beautiful female face, dripping with water and sweat, my body still yearning for her ... how ... I shook my head...

"I ... Sam ... I..." There was just so much fog around, I couldn't think ... tears came to my eyes and ran down my cheeks.

Tears started running down her cheeks, mirroring my own... "Oh fuck, Jo, I'm so sorry..."

Her hand came up to my shoulder and touched me.

I jerked back slightly, away from her touch.

To this day I will never know why that happened. Maybe it was me reacting to something that was causing me pain, maybe it was my body's way of telling me it had too much to process right then and didn't need anything more. I don't know. But I will always remember the outcome of that small gesture.

The look of pain on her face was enormous. She whipped around and grabbed her sports-bra off the bed, pulling it on as she ran for the bedroom door, her head down.

"FUCK!!! SAM!! NO!!" I heard myself yell through my tears.

The bedroom door slammed, followed a few seconds later by the noise of my apartment door also closing loudly.

I threw myself back on my bed and wailed and screamed.

 

I woke up the next morning, my face buried in my pillow, the pillowcase stained from my crying, the bed a ripped mess. My heart was hollow like nothing I had ever experienced before, my throat raw from crying and screaming last night before I had passed out from exhaustion.

My body ached like I had been beat up; what I felt inside manifest in my physicality.

I pulled myself up and, naked, wandered drunkenly through to the bathroom, letting myself fall down to sit on the toilet. The sounds of water impacting water the only noise aside from my breathing.

Last night played out continually as though on a loop through my mind.

Sam's face featured prominently. As did what she said. I started crying again, sitting there on the bowl. You'd have thought by now I would be done. But no.

This time, however, luckily, the wracking sobs that had characterised last night did not emerge, though my lungs certainly still were sore from them.

I let the tracks run down my cheeks and after washing my hands in the basin I staggered back into the bedroom.

After looking at the bed for a little while I sighed and went over to the dresser. I pulled out a pair of panties and a huge rugby jersey from an ex-gf of mine and put them both on. I looked in the mirror. My hair was all mussed and all over the place. My makeup was completely gone except for mascara runs around my eyes. In short, I was a mess.

Oh, who gives a fuck.

I walked over to the side-unit next to the bed, roughing pulling the top drawer out. Finding what I was looking for I pull the packet of sleeping pills out. I didn't want to be awake right now.

I popped one in my mouth and swallowed it dry, scraping down my throat.

I let myself fall on the bed and stared at the ceiling, waiting for it to fade.

Eventually it did.

 

Monday morning the alarm went off and I woke up from a dream, awaking to find that I'd rather be in the dream. The inevitable sleeping pill induced headache was there, but I ignored it, throwing myself into the automatic workday morning routine.

Eventually I walked into the lobby of the building, with the usual lack of memory about how I got there, clothed and with coffee in hand. I had done this so many time previous that actual conscious thought, aside from outfit selections, wasn't actually required.

I strode past the receptionists in the foyer, my face obviously betraying my lack of desire for usual morning banalities. I even managed to get an empty elevator to my floor.

Lucy's face broke into a grin as she saw me enter the office.

"Hey!" She started teasingly "How was your weekend?" She said as though she knew the answer.

One look from me was all it took. Her mouth closed and her eyes betrayed her realisation that everything had not gone how she had thought it did. She recovered quickly and followed me as I walked without stopping into my personal office.

"Ms. McCarthy, here are your appointments for this morning, and there have been two messages left by Sa ... a Ms. Beilding."

I took the papers, and gazed at the messages. Sam must have been up early to catch Lucy when she first gets into the office. I get into the office early, but Lucy, like any good personal assistant, gets in earlier.

My pain rose almost to the surface and I crumpled up the phone messages in my hand, letting them fall out of my hand into the wastebasket.

I nodded at Lucy and she quickly left the room, pulling the door shut behind her. I was lucky to have Lucy and knew that she wouldn't let anything get out to the other people in the firm, but I also knew that eventually things would get out, they always did in offices.

I sighed and looked at the pile in my inbox.

 

The piece of sushi hung in the air in front of me, clasped by my chopsticks, as I looked out my office window at the view, though not really looking at anything.

There had been a number of calls from Sam. Lucy had put them all through until I told her not to do that anymore. It got really quiet from then on. I worked through, focusing on what was in front of me, the work I had to do, till around 2.30pm Lucy popped in with some sushi, knowing that I liked such when I forgot to eat. Times like this.

I know it was selfish not to return her calls, or even answer them. But I just couldn't. This woman who had swept me off my feet had told me something that I couldn't fathom. Sure I had read on the topic, you can't do contemporary feminist theory without reading on the topic, I knew what was involved, had even met some female-to-male transsexuals through the lesbian community ... but this was different, this was me...

I popped the sushi in my mouth, biting through the seaweed and rice, feeling the raw fish against my tongue.

I was going to have to do something though. This was eating me up inside. The hole was getting bigger inside me simply from not being with her, let alone the contribution the weekend was providing me.

I picked up the phone receiver and heard the dial-tone seemingly fill the room with its sound. I let it do so for a while as I wondered what the hell I was doing.

Finally I dialled Sam's home apartment. I knew she would be at work, she was too much like me in that she would be throwing herself into her work, despite all the phone calls she was making from her cell-phone, but I couldn't face talking with her right then, so I would leave a message.

Strangely enough someone answered. A woman.

It then clicked that it was her roommate. Cloe. I had spoken with her before, both on the phone, and in person, when Sam showed me her place.

"Ah, hi Cloe. It's Joanne here."

"Joanne!" Her voice went up a notch. "What the hell did you do to him?!"

'Him?' I thought for a moment ... 'Oh, she means Sam.' My heart wrenched itself sideways.

"Um ... Cloe, can I leave a message for Sam?" I decided ignoring her question was the best way of dealing with things.

"Dammit, Joanne! You know you can get hold of him on his cellphone!"

I closed my eyes. 'Him'. 'His'.

My heart rebelled. She couldn't be talking about the woman that I was falling for. She just couldn't. I grabbed hold mentally of the one thing I could as everything flailed around me; what I needed to do.

"Cloe. I just can't, okay? Please let me leave a message?"

I heard her grumbling. "Ok, I suppose so. Lemmie get a pen."

Finally she got one, and I told her to get Sam to meet me at my place tonight, around 7pm.

She repeated what I had said back to me.

"Do you want me to get him to phone you back when he gets in?"

I sighed. "No. It's okay."

She was silent on the other end for a second and I was about to say goodbye when she quickly spoke up. "He's in a lot of pain right now, you know that right?"

I was quiet for a moment. "We both are, Cloe."

She went silent again.

"See that she gets the message, please Cloe?"

"Sure. HE will."

I sighed. "Bye, Cloe."

"Bye."

The line went dead.

Great.

 

I knew clocks will tick really fast when you don't want something to arrive. And they well tick really slow when you do. But what happens when you feel both at the same time?

Apparently do neither. And both.

I had gotten home and cleaned the place up, still finding the wine glasses out on the balcony. There was the big hole inside me, accompanied by this huge mess of tightly wound things that probably were my organs.

I just made the place look presentable. Though I grabbed myself a beer out of the fridge. I knew drinking right now wasn't the greatest thing to do, but I felt I really needed one.

I sat down and stretched my feet out in front of me, my toenail polish glinting out from the jeans that I had thrown on along with a baggy white linen blouse after spending a little while in the shower. I would have made myself something to eat but my insides were too screwed up.

Finally, right on 7pm my doorbell rang. Actually it was just a couple minutes after 7, but I knew it would be as Sam and I had had a joke about whose watch had the right time, mine or hers, and mine was a few minutes faster than hers.

I pulled in a long breath through my nose and steeled myself.

I knew what I had to do, I had been thinking about it since leaving the message with Cloe.

I got up and pulled the door open. She looked awful and beautiful at the same time.

She wore this baggy v-neck t-shirt that surprisingly enough hid the bindings that had to be underneath. Her short hair was still wet from the shower and her boots were still undone with her jeans poking out of them.

But I could see the pain in her eyes, and the dark circles beneath. Funnily enough virtual mirrors of my own.

We were silent for the longest possible time as we just looked at one another.

"Hi, Jo." She said quietly.

"Hi, Sam."

I realised finally that I was standing in her way and moved to the side, holding the door open for her.

"Thanks."

"It's okay, take a seat if you want."

She nodded slightly.

She walked over to the couch.

I sat in my big soft chair across from where she was sitting on the couch and tucked my feet under me, sighing.

Again, we just looked at one another.

Finally, she spoke. "Do you want me to go, or do you still want me to stay?"

I sighed. Again. "No, Sam, please stay. We need to talk, and if I let you go now

I'm just going to stew on this and make it worse."

"Okay." She said quietly.

Quiet descended on us both yet again.

Finally I spoke up. "So, tell me, please. What on earth is going on? "

She looked at me with pain in her eyes. "Well, ... ummm ... I've kinda been seeing this shrink for the past few months, because I'd decided to do something about the way I have been feeling all my life."

"You've always thought you were ... you were a ... " I couldn't even manage to say it.

"A guy?" She asked.

I nodded.

"Yeah, always. I just couldn't figure out why I wasn't ... still can't ... anyways, about the time I met you my shrink decided that if I wanted to I could start testosterone injections as soon as he could set it up."

"And?" I asked.

"I said yes. I'm starting them next week."

My mind reeled and the room spun around me.

"So you, like, you want to ... I gestured towards her breasts.

"You really want to know?" She asked.

I nodded. I had to.

"Yeah, hopefully, I want a mastectomy and hysterectomy. At least."

This was completely overwhelming me. This beautiful woman. This woman that I had been falling in love with. This gorgeous dyke was going to get herself cut open, and have everything that was a woman removed from her.

I must have swayed a little in my chair as Sam expressed concern and asked if I was okay.

"No, I'm ... I'm okay ... so, you ... you want to live as a man?"

Sam nodded slightly. "I am a man, Jo, inside ... I just want to get the outside to match.

I stared at her again. "But ... but ... but what about me?"

Now I know that was an incredibly selfish thing to ask, she was obviously hurting just as much as me, but I had to. I was hurting so much.

Sam breathed out deeply, and breathed in again. "I didn't really do much thinking I guess ... I guess ... I guess I just hoped that maybe you could love me as a man, as I become a guy ... "

I felt my eyes open widely. This was the point I knew would come. I knew what I had to say.

"Sam, I'm a lesbian, you know that."

She sighed. "I know. I just thought that maybe..."

She left it hanging there.

I slowly shook my head.

"Sam, I'm not even remotely bisexual. I've been with guys before. Great guys.

Awesome guys. But they were male. They didn't do anything for me. I like women. All women. Femme women, sporty women, butch women, tomboys, the lot. But only women."

She spoke up a little louder. "But I thought that just maybe you could come to love me for who I am, not what I am."

I sighed and looked down at the floor, collecting my thoughts.

"Sam, I do love you for who you are. I have fallen in love with you over the past week. I fell in love with who you are."

"Then isn't there a chance for us?" She pleaded.

I took in a deep breath. This was it.

"No, Sam, there isn't. I fell in love with who you are, because I was attracted to what you are. I am attracted to women, no matter how they express being women, whether it be in their butchness, being femme, or whatever. But I am only attracted to women. If you became a guy, then you wouldn't be a woman. I couldn't be attracted to you. I'd loose that. And then I couldn't love you anymore."

A tear made it's way down Sam's face.

"Shit."

I looked her in the face, holding back the tears myself.

"You really want this, Sam? You really want to be a guy?"

She looked at me. "Yeah Jo, I do." She quietly said.

I put my hands over my face and choked back a sob.

Without looked at her, between my fingers I spoke to her. "Then I'm sorry, Sam ... but I just can't ... I'm so sorry ... "

The tears ran down my face and dripped off my chin onto my blouse, as the sobs that I was holding in started to rack my body. I had thought I had gotten them all out over the weekend.

Sam rushed over and held me. I clung to her.

"No, Jo, don't be sorry. This isn't your fault. This is just the way things are.

This is something I have to do. I knew when we started dating that there was a possibility that this might happen." She whispered in my ear.

I pulled back a little, still crying, to see the tears running down her face too.

She looked at me and continued talking. "If it's any consolation, you made me think that just maybe I didn't have to do this, that maybe, just maybe I could stay as a woman ... because you were worth it."

She paused.

"But I couldn't. I couldn't stand the lie."

I reached up with my hand and touched her tear covered face. My fingers feeling its softness, her features, how beautifully strong she was.

"I love you, Sam." I quietly got out between the tears.

"I love you too, Jo."

Things went very quiet between us as we just cried together. Cried for what we were loosing.

Finally, Sam spoke up.

"Jo. I'd better go."

I looked her in the face and nodded slightly. "I know." I said.

I took her hand and stood up next to her. Still holding her hand I walked her to the door, which she opened.

Sam stepped into the doorway and stopped. Looking back at me she reached out and cupped my face with her hand, which I nuzzled into and looked up into her eyes.

"You're an incredible woman Joanne McCarthy. An incredible lesbian. An incredible dyke. The woman who finally gets you as her wife better know how unbelievably lucky she is."

A tear ran down her cheek again.

"Call me ... sometime?" I asked.

"Maybe." She replied.

We both knew she wouldn't. And neither would I. We looked at each other for a long, long moment.

"Oh, fuck it." I said.

I grabbed her and kissed her with everything I had. Her arms wrapped around me strongly, almost crushing me as she pulled me to her, and I pulled her to me. Our mouths fought to hold onto the other as we tried to ignore what was really happening.

Finally, sorrowfully, inevitably we pulled apart, looking at each other over the

gap between us.

"Bye, Jo." She said.

"Bye, Sam." I replied quietly.

She smiled, letting go of my hand and walking off down the hallway to the lifts.

I softly closed the door behind her.

I leant back against the hardness of the door and wrapped my arms around myself, crying softly.

I wandered through the apartment, out onto the balcony. I could see her car pull out of the parking lot, 14 floors beneath me. I wondered if she could see me looking down at her.

I softly spoke out into the night air.

"And the woman that gets you as her husband, Sam Biedling, better know how unbelievably lucky she is."

I softly walked back across the balcony into my apartment, my arms wrapped around my body, crying quietly to myself.

FIN.

 

 

 

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© 2002 by Zoe Burgess. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.