Self Talk

by Jill Micalya Anglin

 

I was at home after a long week of work. I had no plans as I was usually called by a friend to see what I was doing and for some reason this Friday evening the phone did not ring. I really did not pay any attention to no getting called as I was busy on the computer. I am one of those people who usually thinks aloud and at home is it okay.

"Jeesh, I wonder why Marlene didn't call she usually wants me to go out with her to s movie or dinner."

Was I suddenly afraid I was going to be alone. I do not thrive well alone and it was that realization I could be that suddenly had me worried.

"Maybe she is tired of being seen with a pre-op TS?"

"She may have found someone else, after all she did say she met a guy at her work"

I got up from the computer and walked to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I was staring to see if maybe some sort of masculine trait had etched itself into my face or body. The reflection showed me no flaws that I could see. " Maybe I need a brighter light?" "There has to be a reason she did not call!" I was now getting frustrated and I was not sure why my friend Marlene had not called.

"She always calls if she is going to be busy, what did I do to upset her?"

I knew I had to have done something, all I had to do was figure out what it was and call to apologize.

"What if she does not want to talk to me and she hangs up; then how am I going to know what I did to upset her and this will only add fuel to the fire."

The phone it is ringing, I come out of my reverie and head to the living room to pick up the call. Damn, I think to myself a political call so I will vote, how dare they screw up my phone! What if Marlene is trying to call? I hang the phone up and then check to see if I have any messages on my voice mail. Disappointment, no messages.

I head to the kitchen to look a the calendar. I know if she told me she had something planned I would put it on the calendar so I would not expect to be busy. I look at the calendar and nothing is written in any of the dates. "Nit wit maybe you forgot to write it down, nooooo I wouldn't forget I would have wrote it while we were talking."

I decide that maybe I should take a bath and do the things a girl does when she is by herself. I leave the kitchen and head to the bathroom. I put the plug in the tub and begin to fill it up. I pour about one cup of rose petal bubble bath and one cup of floral scented bath beads into the water. While the tub is filling I go to the bedroom and undress. I again stand before the mirror and look at my reflection.

" I know she is not happy that I am a transsexual, she has never been real supportive of me in my endeavor, if I just did not have this stupid appendage between my legs."

I remember I am pouring a bath and hurry into the bathroom so the water will not be cold as it fills the tub. I get there just as the water goes from lukewarm to cold and turn off the water. I open the medicine cabinet and remove a disposable razor and then step into the bath-water and sit among the bubbles.. I decided to immediately shave my legs and when I started to shave my right leg I nick myself right on the shin.

"Ouch! Damn it this would not be happening if Marlene had called!"

I continue shaving my right leg when the phone rings, again I nick myself.

"Stupid phone, look at what you made me do!"

The phone! I try to get up but am unable to get out right away and the phone stops ringing I manage to get my left leg shaved with out incident.

"I should have gone with the Nair at least I would not have nicks on my leg."

I know if I wash my hair I am not going out even if Marlene does call. I decide to wash my hair and then when I finish my bath I can set it in curlers. I finish my bath, wash my hair and then begin to dry it with a towel, the phone rings again. I hurry to the living room pick up the phone only to hear a dial tone. I put the phone down and stare at it as though it is not doing what I want it to do.

I go back to the bedroom and sit at my vanity. I begin to comb and roll my hair. I have now committed myself to staying home for the night. I look in the mirror and I begin to feel sad, tears begin to flow down my cheek.

"I do not like this being alone, at least someone could have called even if it was not Marlene and asked me out."

I had not seen my boyfriend Kenny in two weeks, he was on a month long business trip so I would not have a companion for the night. I thought quietly about how wonderful it is to be wanted and how warm I felt when I was among people. I remembered the other nights of the week why was this one so different?

"I know why because it is Friday and I always go out on Friday and Saturday, Why doesn't some one call?"

Before I went full time I was always out on the weekends. I had company over visiting all the time. I smiled at myself in the mirror and spoke to the reflection as I pointed.

"Girl, those people who no longer come and visit were not friends, they seemed to disappear when you told them you were transsexual and were going to start living as a female."

I remember them, Good Time Charlie's, always there for the fun and party but in reality were not to thrilled about guys who wanted to be girls.

"Those fools, I wanted to tell them nay times I was one of those guys as I listened to them make their derogatory remark."

I would sit and cringe as they cut down people who did not meet their standards. I spoke to the reflection with a grin

"Jill, those people do not know the opportunity they are missing to be with someone who cared about them. Thank God I am not around those shallow people."

The last curler went in and I decide to wear just a neglige and a robe. I had a nice figure for a girl but it was marred by that stupid appendage.

"I've got to get rid of that as soon as possible. Three more months until surgery and then good by little thing."

I went to the living room and looked at my collection of DVD's. I had rented "The Day after tomorrow" and decide to watch it alone.

"Again alone, why don't I call Marlene and invite her over, nah she's mad at me."

"Popcorn would be nice with the movie and a large glass of soda, sorry I only have Kool-aid. Next time remember to get soda."

The refrigerator kept things nice and chilled. While I waited for the microwave to pop the popcorn I poured a glass of cherry Kool-aid and drank it quickly. Just when the microwave stopped the phone rang. I hurried to the living room.

"I need to buy another phone and keep it in the kitchen so I do not have to run around like a chicken with my head cut off."

I picked up the phone and said "Hello." and all I heard was a dial tone. I wondered who was doing that.

With popcorn and dink in hand I sat on the couch and turned on the movie with the remote control. The movie kept my interest and for the next ninety some minutes I was captivated with the entire scenario. I had been so involved in the movie I had kept quite even to myself. I had a small bit of popcorn left and half a glass of Kool-aid. I carried them out to the kitchen only to hear the phone ringing.

 

"Some one must have a camera in my apartment, the phone only rings when I am in another room/"

I get to the phone and pick it up and again the dial tone. I am upset but I know better than to get angry.

"Who is the jerk that is doing this to me? I hate being the butt of a practical joke!"

I look at the clock it is a little after ten. I go over to the computer and log on to check my e-mail. I type my name and password and a message comes up incorrect password."

"I know the right password jerks, its you that do not get it right!"

I was talking to the computer another small idiosyncracy in my complicated life. I retype name and password and then I am into my mail.

"No e-mails just eighty-four bulk mails, I hate bulk mail."

I go through the procedure to delete the bulk mails and as I click check all and then delete the reminder come sup and ask it I really want to delete?

"Of course I want to delete, why would I check delete, who thinks of these things?"

I was annoyed and I was also upset that I was home alone. I logged off the computer and decide no matter how mad at me Marlene was I would call her and take the verbal punishment. I picked up the phone and dialed her number. The phone ranf four times and then I heard it the dreaded voice mail message.

"You have reached 123 4567 I am sorry. I am unable to answer right now, but if you leave a brief message I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a nice day"

Before the beep I hung up.

"Well she is not even home, what kind of friend would go out and not even take her time to invite me to go along."

Marlene worked for a law firm. I know she was a paralegal at one time and had been taking classes at the university. We met while I was finishing law school. Marlene and I became good friends and she was the one who helped me begin my transition. She told me how natural I looked as a female and that if she did not know she would have never even guess I was not what I seemed to be. She had introduced me to Kenny and watched as Kenny and I became a couple.

Marlene and I shared many weekends together, but this week end was not going to be one of them. I was becoming depressed.

I came out of the fog as I heard the doorbell ringing as if it had no end. I made sure my robe was closed and peeped through the peephole, there stood Marlene and Cynthia. I quickly opened the door and the two rushed in,

"Jill are you okay? I have tried to reach you several times but was unable to leave a message on your voice mail."

"Yes I am okay, my phone is working I just tried to call you about ten minutes ago."

"I went and got Cynthia as if you were not okay she and I would be able to pick you up."

I began to laugh and asked her why wouldn't I be okay" I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself."

When I finished that I grabbed the two of them and broke into tears.

 

"I was so afraid I had said something or done something wrong when I got home and you had not called. I was sure I had screwed up"

"Jill, you did not write this date down did you? Remember on Monday I called and told you I had an appointment with Dr. Radner my gynecologist."

She looked a me with a stare that told me I had not paid attention.

"I specifically told you we would go out later!"

I was so embarrassed that I had not written down her appointment and that I had put myself through the paces of doing wrong.

"I am so sorry, I was so good today at beating myself up I had looked at my calendar in the kitchen and there was nothing written on it.".

"Kitchen calendar? You were in the bedroom and you wrote it in you daily book under appointments. Are you sure you do not want to be a blonde?"

We began to laugh and decide we could still go out for a couple of drinks. I went to the bedroom and put on a blue velour dress that hugged my body. I wore blue hose and navy blue heels.. In a short time I was ready and we headed out the door.

  

  

  

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