The Scholarship

by

Julie O.

 

Chapter Seventy-One

My one week off turned into nearly two spent at home. I didn't complain, as I knew that it was the right thing to do. Jenny and Mom agreed that I would not rush my return to school. Maybe if I had taken more time off after the initial assault I wouldn't have had my collapse in the first place. Hindsight is a perfect science. I can tolerate physical injury, but the mental aspect of this latest setback really frightened me. I also felt guilty, as I thought that I was weak, and that I let everyone, including myself, down.

Jenny was quick to attack those ideas. One afternoon she sat down with me and told me about many people, including historic figures, who'd had similar problems and that they overcame them. Still, it would be a long time until I fully accepted and understood what had happened, but at least now I was aware that I had limits and that I wasn't the first to suffer.

As we talked about what had happened she was able to point out the warning signals that my body had been telling me. My fatigue and sleep problems were my body trying to warn me to take it slower. I'd also ignored the fact that I was having more frequent nightmares. I learned that I was human.

"How was I able to do so well on the stand those two days? I felt so strong, so confidant; it doesn't make sense. If was going to 'lose it,' why didn't it happen then?" I vented.

"I think that you forced yourself through the testimony. And as for you feeling so strong then, have you ever noticed that a light bulb burns brightest just before it burns out? I think that's a good analogy to describe what happened to you," replied Jenny.

I was also worried that this incident would have a negative effect on my transition. Jenny reassured me that it wouldn't. She told me that I just needed to be aware of stress in my life, regardless of the cause.

Now, I don't want you to think that I was cloistered at home alone. I had my homework assignments so I wouldn't lose too much ground in my classes. Cat and Laura stopped by every day and kept me up-to-date on school and life in general. They also served to ease my fears about how I was viewed at school. I also stayed in touch with others by e-mail.

I also went for gentle runs by myself and sometimes with Jenny. There were also long walks with Mom. Although my "track career" was put on hold, I still wanted to stay in shape.

I also took a lot of photos of the birds at our feeder. I figured I could use them in portfolio for photography class. I was amazed at the number of different species that dropped by for a meal. Some were great shots of the squirrels that raided our feeder. True, they're pests, but they're also entertaining to watch.

It seemed pointless to try to keep the reason for my absence secret. After talking with Mom and I, Jenny went in and talked to Mrs. Lee and the staff and told them the details of my condition. Mrs. Lee suggested that they take it one step further, and she had Jenny speak to the senior class. Jenny stood forth and explained what had happened and answered questions. Cat said it was very compelling.

Mrs. Lincoln stopped by and told me that my job was waiting for me the moment I was ready to return. She also told me the full story of what had happened the night I had my problems.

Mel had gone to the back room to check on my work and to see if I wanted some tea. When she couldn't find me, she looked into the hallway and saw me on the ground. She called to Cindy while she ran to me, stopping only to beat on the door to the leather shop. I was on the ground with my arms wrapped around my knees, just slowly rocking back and forth and was totally unresponsive. Cliff helped her to get me to lie down. They didn't see any physical injuries, so they ruled out an attack. I apparently didn't respond to anything they did or said. Luckily, the EMTs arrived quickly and transported me to the hospital.

"I guess that I scared them pretty badly," I stated.

"Well, the important thing is for you to get well completely this time. You are not to come back until I hear that Dr. McCall approves it," she said frankly. "Dear, I am far more concerned for your well-being than I am about whether or not you ever work for me again. But when you are ready, I want you back."

"Thank you so much. I promise to listen to them this time."

Ms. B came by a few times. I cannot put down in words how much she has helped me this past year. I was worried that all the publicity about my case would affect the scholarship program.

"You don't have to worry about that. Yes, we have had some negative comments but those have been outnumbered by those who support both you and the competition. It will take something far worse to end this program."

Another visitor was Sam Warren. He came by late in the afternoon near the end of my first week of recovery, and he brought me flowers. I guess that he felt partially responsible for what had happened to me. We sat down together at the kitchen table. I was drinking tea while Sam had a mug of coffee.

I took a sip of my tea. "I would have been in far worse shape if you hadn't convicted him. The person responsible for my problems is sitting in jail right now. I've learned that this past week."

"You don't have to speak during the sentencing if you're not up to it."

"It isn't for a few weeks, so I should be okay by then. Besides, that is something that I have to do."

"I see. Well, if Jenny and your mom say it's okay, then I'll let you do it. For now, just focus on your recovery."

"I suppose that Jason and his lawyer know what happened." I felt rage that my collapse would bring joy to Jason

"Yes, they know. Martin said that it was 'too bad' and asked me if you were going to make a full recovery." He took a sip of his coffee.

"Well, it's even more important that I show up now, just so they don't get any satisfaction out of my pain."

"I'll be in contact with you and your mom. Take care,"

I watched as Mom walked him out to the front door. They talked for several minutes before I heard him leave.

"So, have I won the bet yet?" I asked with a big grin on my face.

"No, not yet," she said with a smile.

"I'm sure he'll ask you within a week after the sentencing!" I exclaimed.

Mom just smiled.

 

Chapter Seventy-Two

By Wednesday of the second week I had been given permission to go back to school. I'd asked Cat and Laura to tell the class that my return was to be low key. They promised that they would do their best.

Late February wasn't a pretty time in Golden Hill. It was cold, gray, and dreary outside. The temperature was hovering around freezing, with threatening skies. Even Cat and Laura were tired of the snow and the cold. But to me it was a perfect day. I was happy to return to school. There was also some fear too, but I knew I was ready. I felt refreshed in both body and mind for the first time in months.

I was wearing a light gray skirt and red sweater and my favorite pair of black leather boots. As I applied my makeup, I could see how the scar above my right eye was slowly fading. My nose still had its little curve. I decided that for now I didn't want any plastic surgery. They reminded me of what had happened and my need to take it easy.

Cat and Laura were driving me to school, so I invited them over for breakfast. It wasn't fancy, just bagels with cream cheese, juice, and coffee or tea.

I also decided to wear my new jacket to school. Granted, it didn't really match my outfit, but sometimes coordinating an outfit isn't all that important. Cat had told me that it was a gift from the senior class. By wearing it, I'd would be showing them all how much they have meant to me.

As we got ready to leave the house, Laura gave me a nice long kiss. She said it was for luck. I still was getting tingles each time she kissed me.

We arrived at school and I took a deep breath and walked in. It really felt good to be back in school. Part of me had initially thought that I might not make it back here. Friends and faculty members greeted me as I walked down the hall. Everything was subdued and low key, which suited me fine.

However, that quickly changed when Kristen saw me. She ran down the hall and hugged me. That sort of broke the ice and I was soon mobbed. I barely made it to homeroom on time. The last thing I needed was to be tardy on my first day back.

Mr. Grant didn't even bother to try to run a normal homeroom. He let my arrival take over. Paul came over and wrapped his arms around me. He said that we all needed to get together soon. I missed him a lot, but was very happy that he was still seeing Caroline. It was a very emotional return.

The rest of the day was equally emotional. In each class, my friends greeted me. I gradually got back into the swing of things. There were a few interesting discoveries. In my child development class I found that the "pregnant for a day" part of the class was in full swing. I had to admit the sight of Denise eight-months pregnant wouldn't be one that I'd soon forget. My turn was scheduled in two weeks. Cat said that it would be funny if I had to wear it the day of the sentencing.

I also discovered that during my absence the competition had narrowed down to seven contestants. Caroline called us the "Magnificent Seven". The other remaining contestants were Ann, Debbie, Lisa, Claire, and of course Denise. I wondered what the plan was if we all made it to the end of the year.

"I know, we could have mud wresting," quipped Denise. "We could sell tickets and the losers would get a share of the profits!"

"Don't forget about pay-per-view on cable. That should bring in some bucks," added Caroline.

"How about the action figures and t-shirts?" I suggested.

The rest of the contestants didn't get it and thought we were nuts.

I also talked to Mr. Kline and told him that I really wanted to give the lecture on my experiences. He thought it was a great idea. We talked about it after class.

"I've talked to Mrs. Lee about rescheduling classes for your lecture. I think it would be better if you only did this once and we could get all my classes in the auditorium at once. That way you won't have to answer the same questions over and over. What do you think?"

"I like it. I worked a little on my notes during my leave of absence."

He smiled and nodded, "Whenever you want to talk about it, just come on by."

I also stopped by after school to see Coach Chambers. I told her that I would be forced to bypass the track season.

"I understand that you won't be able to compete, but I still want you on the team," Coach Chambers explained.

"Doing what?'

"I need assistants. Unlike cross-country, track has a lot of things going on and I can't be everywhere at the same time. I have two assistant coaches, but we all need extra help. You would be recording times and other data, helping us coordinate events, etc. Trust me, Erika, this isn't a pity position. I really need help, especially in recording the data!"

"I'll think about it and talk to my Mom."

"Good, I hope that you can do it, even part-time would be great. Anyway, good to have you back. By the way, that jacket looks good on you!"

I looked down at my letter and embroidered name on the coat and smiled. "Thanks, it means a lot to me too!"

 

 

Chapter Seventy-Three

Anyway, the week went pretty well. I got back into the swing of school and I also felt more and more normal. I wasn't fatigued or excessively tired anymore. I also looked better. I knew that I'd be dealing with the effects of the attack for a long time and this long-term recovery was in direct conflict with my "jump in and get the problem solved immediately" mentality. I think that the possibility of a relapse scared me enough to listen to those around me.

There is something I've wanted to talk about. I guess I've given the impression that everything was wonderful at Central High. That's really wasn't true. We had our problems like most schools. There were jerks, stoners, cliques, and all the other elements of a typical high school class. There were the occasional fights and the drug and alcohol problems. And we had got our fair share of teachers who were jerks too.

However, one thing that Central had that was lacking at many other schools was acceptance. Yes, it started with the contestants, but these attitude spread out to other groups. Golden Hill had been predominantly white. This was as much due to its location as its job market. But the addition of the computer company and a few other businesses there had brought an increase in minorities and immigrants. We were far from being a really diverse society, but it was becoming more mixed. These new students were accepted into the school with few problems. Most conflicts were individual in nature and not over race. No, it wasn't a utopia, and there were still those who judged the group and not the individual, but it was better than most schools.

I looked at my upcoming schedule. The biggest thing that I was facing was the sentencing hearing. Jenny agreed that I could speak and give my victim impact statement, but she also said that she'd be monitoring me. Sam had given me an outline of what I could and couldn't say. I had a week to prepare. I had put some ideas down on paper and ran them by a few people in the group. Dana thought I was being too conservative and too nice. Afterwards, Karen told me that I could either use it as an opportunity for closure or it could become a rant that would build up more hate and rage. I wanted Jason to know the pain he had caused, not just for me, but for my family and my friends. But I also liked the idea of using it as a statement of closure.

Mom refused to let me go back to work until after Jason was sentenced. She reluctantly approved my assisting Coach Chambers. I could now see more of the effects of the assault on Mom. She had been wonderful to me, and I know that she had been sharing the pain and stress that I had. I was even more determined to win the scholarship now, just so she wouldn't have to worry about my future.

I was anxious to start my transition. Jenny had also begun to counsel me on this issue. Looking back, I was able to see how successfully I had repressed my true feelings before we came to Golden Hill. I had forced any feelings of questioning my gender away. Even now, I can't believe that I didn't pick up on them. I mean I wasn't exactly held over hot coals before I agreed to enter the competition back when school started!

There were a few incidents in my past that made a lot more sense now. I dated back in San Diego, but I'd never seemed to make it last more that one or two dates. I usually ended up being good friends with the girls, but nothing romantic, much like my friendship with Cat.

I'd also tried to do masculine, manly things to show everyone that I was a real guy. I ended up doing a lot of things that I really hated. No one openly questioned that I wasn't a real guy; at least, that is what I'd thought. The one sport I'd loved participating in was running, which was gender neutral.

During my recovery, I got a letter from an old friend from my school back in San Diego. Her name is Gwen, and she was one of the girls that I tried to date and ended up as just being a good friend. By chance, she had read an article online about the trial. Even though my name wasn't mentioned, there were enough clues in the article for her to put two and two together.

Gwen thought it was great that I had finally come out and said that she'd always suspected that I might be gay, but the fact that I was transsexual made even more sense. We began to correspond online. I found out from her that many of my friends had thought that I was gay or something different. She told me that she hadn't told anyone else and that she wouldn't unless I said it was okay.

It was slightly shocking to suddenly be told the truth. It was also a bit disturbing to know that others knew I was different before I even thought about it. I sent some pictures and told her she could tell anyone she trusted. I explained that I wasn't out to shock the world or anything. She promised to be careful.

Jenny felt confident that I was making the right decision, but she wanted me to see a specialist before I could start hormones and begin the legal proceedings. She told me that she had written a report on me and two other contestants and had sent it to Dr. Lawrence Wright. He was an expert on transgender issues and transsexuals, and I would need his approval before starting hormones. Jenny explained that he would be coming to town for a short time to evaluate us.

I knew that Caroline was going to transition, but I wondered who the third person was. I also knew that Jenny wouldn't tell me so I didn't even bother asking. I ran the remaining candidates through my and tried to figure out who it was.

 

Chapter Seventy-Four

The following week we had our meeting of the remaining contestants. We were still the Magnificent Seven. I watched in amused silence as Ann struggled into the room. It was her day to be pregnant! I wouldn't have thought that she'd still be in the contest. She'd told us that she had paid off her debt. Maybe it was just her sense of competition that kept her in.

She plopped down next to me and let out a big sigh of relief. "This really sucks!" she said to no one in particular. Her astute comment was followed by laughs

I was the only remaining contestant who still had to wear it. I caught a lot of grief about that and how bad it would be. The only one who'd seemed to enjoy wearing it was Denise. In fact, she told us that the whole band was going to make their own "tummies" as part of their performance. She got a lot of blank stares and shaking heads from most of the group. I thought it was funny. Denise was just having fun, and part of her fun was fooling people. Most students and staff had no idea when she was joking or serious. She liked to keep people confused, and I think that I was one of the few in school who got the joke. To Denise, this contest was just a chance to tweak a few noses. She'd even told me that her story about military school was a lie. I think she would have worn a gorilla suit all year if it meant a chance to confuse the class. The world needs more people like Denise.

Ms. B came in and told us a bit more about the fashion show. She told us that we would each model three outfits. We were all given forms to fill out. The forms were a combination release form and information sheet. We needed to include our sizes and measurements and to get our parents' signatures.

"What kind of outfits will we be wearing?" asked Lisa.

Ms. B smiled. "I can't tell you that, but remember that you will be in front of a respectable crowd. The outfits will be very nice and I promise you that you will not be humiliated."

I liked Lisa a lot. We were in American Lit together and we finally had a chance to talk and to get to know each other. She had entered the contest on a dare with her girlfriend. She hadn't expected to last this long, and now that we were in late February she figured that she might have a shot at winning the competition. She laughed when she told me that she had since broken up with her girlfriend. It seems that she was upset that Lisa wouldn't quit the contest. But it wasn't a big problem as she was already dating another girl, who understood that she was only doing this to get college money.

She told me that the reason she was able to get through the contest so easily was that she was used to being different and standing out. She'd been born in Korea, and an American couple had adopted her when she was a few weeks old. She told me that her real parents had been a mixed couple, an American serviceman and a Korean mother, and that would have doomed her back in Korea. She had become very adaptable in her life and she applied these skills to the competition.

Of the remaining contestants I never got very close to either Claire or Debbie. It was understandable with Claire. She was very shy and I was amazed that she was still in the competition. I tried to talk to her, but I never got her to say very much.

On the other hand, Debbie was just standoffish. I think that she felt embarrassed to be associated with us. She claimed that she was in the contest strictly for the scholarship. She had told Caroline that she "wasn't like us." Yet, she was very careful about her appearance and was the most fashionable of any of the contestants. I really couldn't figure her out.

I didn't lose any sleep over this. I didn't expect to be friends with everyone. I wasn't going to be hostile to her, but if she didn't want to be friends so be it.

Ms. B announced that, in addition to the weekly group meeting, we'd each have a mandatory meeting with her. She gave us all a time to see her. I noticed that my meeting was that afternoon during 6^th period.

 

Chapter Seventy-Five

Ms. B was waiting for me as I entered her office.

"How are you doing, Erika?" she asked.

I plopped down in one of her comfy chairs. "Much better, thanks. I guess I should have listened to you. I'm sorry."

She smiled back. "You're forgiven. On the plus side, we have learned a lot about how to treat something like this, if it should ever happen again."

"I hope that it never does," I replied hopefully.

We talked about my classes and how I was doing in my transition. She gave me a lot of info on the subject.

"Excuse me, Ms. B, but I have a question. You told me that no one had ever transitioned at school before, so how do you know so much about this subject?" I asked

"That is true, this is the first year that we've had contestants come out during the year. However, we have helped nearly fourteen graduates in later transitions. One even contacted us three years after she graduated for help."

"Oh! That makes sense. Besides Caroline and I, is anyone else in this year's group a transsexual?"

"Yes, but they don't want it made public knowledge right now."

I nodded. "I see, well I can understand that. If they want to talk to someone going through the same thing, I will be happy to talk with them."

"Thank you, Erika. Caroline already made the same offer."

I wanted to ask her more about the contest but we ran out of time

After I'd left I thought about who the third one might be. It was so obvious with Caroline and, from what my friends had told me it was pretty obvious in my case. I thought about the other five, and each had pluses and minuses. The only one I ruled out was Denise. I couldn't see her being shy and secretive about anything.

 

Chapter Seventy-Six

Even though Jenny and Mom hadn't given me permission to work, I decided that I needed to touch base with them. I also wanted to thank them for their help when I froze up.

I baked some cookies and wrapped up a small basket for Cindy, Mel, and Mrs. Lincoln. I also had a big plate for the guys at the leather store.

I felt a bit funny walking into the store at first. I was just in jeans, boots, bra, and a sweater. I was also wearing my school jacket.

Mel saw me first and walked over and gave me a big hug

"You look much better than the last time I saw you!" She then put on a fake serious look on her face. "I almost gave you a punch instead of a hug. You scared me to death when I saw you in the hallway."

"Well, I'm glad for the hug. Here's a peace offering." I handed her the basket of goodies.

Mel smiled, and gave me another hug. "Apology accepted. Cindy is in the back with Mrs. Lincoln."

"Great, I'll talk to you later."

I went into the back and knocked on Mrs. Lincoln's door and entered.

They were both happy to see me. Mrs. Lincoln commented that I looked much better and healthier. I had heard that a lot lately. I'd seen a photo taken of me right after the trial, and I couldn't believe how bad I'd looked. I had lost nearly 12 pounds during the trial, and my face had looked very gaunt and pale. Mrs. Lincoln told me that whenever I was ready she'd welcome me back.

My final stop was at the leather store. Cliff came up and lifted me into the air. He said that when he'd first heard Mel beating on the door that he'd thought it was a joke, but when he saw me on the floor it "scared the shit out of me," his words not mine. He appreciated the cookies and so did the other guys in the shop.

It felt good to be returning to a normal life. I hoped that I'd be allowed to return to work soon, even if it was reduced hours. However, I knew that Mom wouldn't allow me to do it until after the sentencing.

 

Chapter Seventy-Seven

On Sunday morning I was sitting upstairs at my computer, working on my statement. I hated the term "Victim Impact Statement" but I appreciated the opportunity for closure. I knew it was all legalese but I was through with the term victim. Jason had been a dark cloud all year. It would be good to see this over.

I was so intent on the wording that I never heard Mom come up behind me. I almost jumped out of my chair when she asked me how it was going.

"Sorry, honey."

I looked back and was holding my hand on my chest. It was kind of funny and we both broke out laughing.

"So, how is it shaping up?" asked Mom, after we'd composed ourselves. She pulled up a chair and sat down next to me.

I moved over so she could see my computer screen a little better. "Here, read it and tell me what you think, and please be honest."

She read through it several times, and then sat back. "I like it. I look forward to hearing you give it this week." She also made some comments on grammar errors. Everyone's a critic!

The sentencing hearing was starting on Tuesday. Sam had said that it would last a few days at most, since there was a deal in place. I'd had asked him how sure he was that the judge would uphold the agreed deal. He felt it would be pretty close to what they had suggested. He told me that both sides would give the judge their recommendations, along with any appropriate expert testimony. Then there would be time for my statement.

Tuesday, we re-entered the courtroom to start the sentencing hearing. There was a lot of rehashing of the case by the prosecution, concerning the violence involved. Sam was also allowed to bring up the previous incidents between Jason and I, which included the threats and the attempted attack at the football game. He recommended that Jason receive a long prison term and be placed on the list of violent sex offenders for life.

On Wednesday, the defense brought in several experts that stated who what Jason needed was long-term therapy and not jail time. I felt betrayed when they suggested that he was a victim too, and that he was suffering from depression and other ills, and that he really wasn't responsible for his actions. They implied that the only reason he'd pleaded guilty was to ease my pain. They also brought in a preacher who claimed that Jason had become a changed person and that he deserved a chance to make the most of his life.

I needed to channel my anger, so that night I edited my statement somewhat. I also wrote a really cutting and angry version that I had no intention of ever reading in court. It did feel good to write it! I e-mailed it to Cat and Laura and told them to feel free to include additional commentary. The resulting statement was extremely angry and also very funny. It was more along the lines of a Dennis Miller rant by the time we'd finished. We got a lot of laughs out of it, and I felt much better.

 

Chapter Seventy-Eight

Thursday morning was cold and blustery. Still, there was a hint of spring in the air. I picked out a black skirt and charcoal gray sweater to wear. I took extra pride in doing my makeup and hair. I wanted a look that would be taken seriously by the judge.

We had breakfast downtown with Jenny. We met in a diner located two blocks from the courtroom. Sam had recommended the place as a favorite of both his office staff and the police. He said that the regulars would keep away the riff-raff - like defense attorneys. I gave Jenny a copy of my real statement to read as we ate. She thought that it was appropriate, and she agreed to let me speak. She promised that she would be available afterwards.

We entered the courtroom and took our seats. I knew that I had many supporters in the audience, but I didn't look at them. I wanted to be as focused as possible. I would be the last person to speak before the judge began his deliberations on the sentence. Any fear or doubts I'd had disappeared when I looked over at Jason. He cracked a small smile and winked at me as I took my seat. He was still an arrogant jerk. He must have gotten great pleasure out of my mental crash and burn.

The judge gave me permission to speak.

I took a deep breath and started. "Your Honor, I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity to express how this crime has changed my life. Physically, I suffered many injuries from Jason's brutal assault. First, I was abducted under threat of death. Then, I was sexually violated twice under extremely violent and degrading circumstances, accompanied by hate-filled verbal abuse. My face still shows the effects of his attack, my nose and this scar are daily reminders of what occurred."

I then held up a photo of what I'd looked liked right after the attack. "Yes, the bruises and swelling have healed, but the damage goes deeper than that."

I took a drink of water and continued. "The worst part of this crime was the attack on my mental well being. This part of the attack started with the initial assault and still continues to this day. It started with the fear caused by the actual abduction, assault, and sexual assault. Then there was the fear of being infected with a disease. Then there was the sense of freedom and security that was taken away from me. There was the effect on my family and friends. There was the effect on my relationship with my boyfriend. There was the effect on my schoolwork and job. There was the effect of trying to ridicule me for being transgendered. There was effect of being held up to ridicule in the press. There was the completely unjustified attack on my reputation and morals here in court. There was the attempt to make me into the real criminal. All these combined to form a weight that almost crushed me."

I stopped and glared at Jason. I looked directly at him. He dropped his head down and wouldn't look at me. Then I transferred my glare to Martin Turner, who just stated back without showing any emotion.

"Thanks to my friends, family, and a lot of therapy, I am recovering. Did you hear that Jason? Jason, look at me!" I demanded, very loudly but he just kept his head down. "You're such a coward, that you won't even look me in the eye. I will not allow your selfish and hateful acts to ruin my life. If that was the reason you attacked me, then you failed. You tried to take my dignity and you failed. You tried to damage my body and mind and you failed. If anything you've only made me stronger. I know that I will carry the physical and mental scars from what you did to me my whole life. Yes, I hate what you did to me. I despise your actions and the fact that you still see yourself as the victim and that you won't truly accept responsibility for your actions. You deserve to be punished and you need to accept responsibility for the pain, fears, and physical and emotional damage you have caused."

I had to stop for a second to regain my composure. I saw that Jason's head was still down.

"I hope that someday you understand what you have done to me, and I hope that you are kept locked away from society until you truly comprehend your actions." I then turned to the judge and said. "Thank you, your Honor."

I was then allowed to step down. The weight I had described was gone, and I felt as if I was walking three feet off the ground.

I sat next to Mom and she put her arm around me. "I;m so proud of you!" she whispered in my ear. The court adjourned while the judge contemplated Jason's sentence.

We met with Sam afterwards and he told us that he'd call us as soon as the judge made his decision. He told us that he didn't expect a decision until the next morning at the earliest.

We caught up with Jenny, Terri, and Cat outside the courtroom. It was only around noon, but I was too keyed up to go back to school. We went back to the diner to eat and come down from the statement.

As we waited for our food, Jenny asked me how I was feeling. I explained the sensation of the weight being lifted off.

"I thought you did a great job," stated Cat. "I watched how Jason's cockiness disappeared and how you broke him down. It was impressive."

"Thanks. Coming from you, that's a big compliment. I could feel your strength supporting me while I was up there."

Jenny said that she would be in court when the sentence was read. We were halfway home when Mom's cell phone rang. It was Sam telling us to be back in court the next morning.

 

Chapter Seventy-Nine

Looking back at the sentencing, I remember how calm I was. I had full confidence in the legal system to do the right thing. Yes, the possibility of Jason getting a light sentence had entered my mind, but I dismissed it.

The judge entered and court was in session. He reviewed his papers and then addressed the court. He told us what went into his decision. He said looked at the severity of the crime, its effect on the victim, how the defendant reacted, and his sense of responsibility. He said that he also took into account several factors regarding the defendant, including his ability to eventually be turned into a useful member of society. This was combined with the laws and recommendations of the defense and the prosecution.

He then had Jason stand up while he read his decision. I don't remember all the specifics. I just know that Jason was sentenced to thirty years in prison for the abduction, assault, and sexual assault. Sam told us that he would have to serve at least 15 years before he was eligible for parole. It was finally over. I didn't feel happy; it was more a sense of relief, which can be even more satisfying. I could now get on with the rest of my life.

 

Chapter Eighty

Thankfully, I had a whole weekend to recover from the sentencing. I mainly hung out with Laura and Cat. We didn't do anything special or exciting and that was just fine. We did meet Paul and Caroline at Guido's Saturday evening. It felt good to be surrounded by friends. We talked about our plans, both long term and for the immediate future. Cat told us that she'd be out of town the following weekend. She was going to the main crime lab with one of the lab technicians. Laura made her promise not to tell us any dead body stories.

"So, Erika, have you made any decisions yet on what you want to do after graduation?" asked Cat.

"I've applied to Dewey College."

"Cool, so what are you going to study?" asked Caroline.

"I'm thinking about history, but I will also take teaching classes."

"Teaching? That suits you a lot Erika," added Laura, "So, when did you make this decision?"

"I had a lot of time to think during my recovery. But I think it hit me as I prepared the lesson that I'll be teaching for Mr. Kline's class."

"Have you thought about how your being transgendered might affect your ability to get hired?" asked Cat.

I smiled. "I can always count on you to be my voice of reason! Actually I have. I plan on having surgery before I graduate. If I win the scholarship, I won't have to worry about school and I can take time off to recover. I will try to get hired around here. I figure that, unless there is a major shift in attitude, I'd have a good chance of being hired. That will allow me to get a work history as a woman besides my job with Mrs. Lincoln."

"I'm impressed at how you've really planned this out," replied Cat.

"So, what level do you want to teach?" asked Paul.

"High school - I don't think that I could deal with the real little kids."

Paul told us that he had also applied to Dewey for their journalism program. Caroline had been accepted in a small art college over in Pine Valley, but she was still waiting to hear back from Dewey.

We joked that in twenty years we would be ruling Golden Hill. I would be the principal at Central, Cat would be Chief of Police, Laura would be Mayor, Paul would be editor of the town newspaper, and Caroline would be a famous artist. I also realized that by then Jason might be paroled.

 

Chapter Eighty-One

I was kind of looking forward to Monday. I had to get to school early because I had to be fitted with the empathy belly. Yes, I'd be walking around school looking like I was eight months pregnant all day. I was very curious about the sensations that I would be experiencing. I also didn't think it would be as bad as everyone said it was.

Mrs. Roberts met me early Monday morning to assist me in getting dressed. She also explained the purpose of each part of the outfit as she helped me into it.

She explained that this was the most advanced model of the pregnancy simulator. Unlike previous models that were worn over clothes, this one was worn right next to the skin. There was a piece of clothing that looked like a body briefer. There were some significant differences however. First there was a rib belt that tightened my chest. This was to make breathing more difficult. Next, she slipped in my breasts. Unlike my small breast pads, these were large and heavy.

Next she adjusted the belly itself. It was filled with warm water. Additionally there were weights, some pressed against me, specifically against my bladder. She told me that I'd be spending a lot of time going to the restroom today. Fortunately, there was quick access due to Velcro! The other weights simulated the movement of the baby.

I couldn't believe how heavy it all was. Mrs. Roberts told me that I now weighed 35 pounds heavier and she had me step up on a scale to prove it. I was immediately aware of the discomfort that I'd be experiencing the rest of the day. My back already hurt, and I had to adjust the way I walked. It took more energy to move around and to do basically everything! Mrs. Roberts handed me my clothes and watched as I struggled to get dressed. I was wearing a black pair of tights and a red maternity top. Thankfully, I had followed her advice and had brought a pair of flats that I could slip my feet into. There was no way that I could tie laces. She watched me struggle in amused silence.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" I asked as I tried to sit down.

"Yes, I must admit that this is my favorite time of the year. At least you're used to wearing women's clothing and having breasts. We have some boys enrolled in the class, and they're at a real disadvantage."

She then went on to explain that I would feel more fatigued throughout the day. I would also feel warmer and my blood pressure would be slightly higher. She said that, if I felt lightheaded, I should immediately to go the health office. She also told me to drink plenty of fluids, even though it would mean more trips to the restroom. Then she handed me a small notebook and told me to record my observations in it all day.

"I'll see you in class first period. Meet me here after school and we'll get you freed."

"Thanks," I replied as I picked up my bag and coat and waddled off to homeroom

I was dreading going to into homeroom. I just knew that Paul had some stupid stunt planned. I also quickly discovered that I'd be spending the day in the slow lane. My normal fast pace was already down to a crawl, and using the stairs really sucked, both going up and down. Halfway to homeroom, I had to make my first pit stop. I barely made it into the stall. It was quite an adventure getting back up off the toilet.

When I made it into homeroom, I was greeted by some laughs. However, there were also a lot of questions and comments from the girls. Many of them had taken the course and they shared their experiences and gave me some hints.

Paul was getting all kind of laughs, but I couldn't see why. He finally came over and I saw he had on a button that said, "It's not mine." I just glared at him in mock anger. I tried to think of a good comeback line but couldn't. Fortunately, Cat saved the day for me.

"Paul isn't it your turn to wear it next week?" she asked. "I wouldn't be so fast to mock her, you know what they say about payback?"

There were plenty of "Ooooohs" in class as Paul sat down and took off the button. He looked over at me and said he was sorry. I winked and smiled back at him.

I made it back to Mrs. Robert's classroom and could feel sweat on my face. Fortunately, there was a special chair for the pregnant student. There was no way that I could fit in a regular desk.

I found that the other girls in the class were very supportive and interested in my feelings and observations about wearing the belly. There was a sense of bonding over this shared experience. They took several photos of me, so I'd have some souvenirs.

I barely made it to Mr. Kline's class on time. I was getting very tired and my back was starting to really hurt. Yes, I was becoming very whiny about my discomfort. I couldn't wait until the end of the school day!

The only good thing about the belly was that it got me out of PE. Coach Chambers gave me a pass to the library. I normally loved PE, but today I preferred to sit and rest on one of the soft couches in the library, as opposed to sitting on the hard wooden bleachers and watching the rest of my class play volleyball. My back was starting to hurt. I couldn't imagine doing this for nine months!

Missing PE allowed me to get a head start on getting into the cafeteria. Laura and Kristen both found my suffering humorous. Cat told me that it was too bad that they couldn't come up with a period simulator too. I glared at her for that one!

Kristen had her camera and I posed for several photographs. We got a great group shot. They also took one of just Laura and I. She had her hand on my belly and was looking at me with me with moony eyes. I still get a laugh when I see it.

I struggled to get to my afternoon classes. Luckily, I met Lisa on the way to American Lit and she carried my book bag. I also had to make another pit stop. I lost count of my trips to the restroom. The weight was really doing its job. I asked Lisa how her day had gone when she wore it.

"I was so glad to when sixth period arrived. But looking back, I'm glad I did it," she stated.

"Would you do it again?" I asked.

"No!" she laughed.

I slowly made my way down the hall to my sixth period class. I had just made it to Mr. Kline's room when the fire alarm went off. While most of the students cheered, I groaned; the last thing I wanted to do was walk outside! We all picked up our stuff and walked to the exit. Alex's younger brother, Nick, helped me by carrying my bags.

We all thought that this was a stupid time to have a fire drill as we worked our way outside. I had to admit that the cold air felt good as I stepped outside. However, I wasn't looking forward to standing around for ten minutes while they made sure that everyone was outside.

That's when we heard the fire engines approaching. Everyone began talking and wondering if there was real fire or was if it was a false alarm. I was more concerned with finding a place to sit down. There was no way I could sit down on the curb, at least not and be able to stand up again. And the ground was still covered in snow so that wasn't an option.

We watched the fire engines pull up. If this was a drill, they were taking it very seriously. They were putting on breathing equipment and entering the school.

Fortunately, one of our campus supervisors drove by in their golf cart and saw me and stopped. She waved me over and let me sit down in their electric cart. It felt wonderful! I couldn't believe how good just sitting down could feel. She then told Mr. Kline that there was a gas leak in the kitchen. She said that we would be outside for a while. We could hear the reports on her 2-way radio.

After twenty minutes, we heard that the source of the leak had been found and stopped. However, as the school had to be ventilated for several hours, the decision was made to send us all home. Normally, this would be a cause for celebration, but I was stuck wearing the belly!

I was debating how I was going to get home and how I would get out of this thing when Mrs. Roberts found me.

"I'm so happy to see you!" I exclaimed with glee.

"I imagine you are. Wasn't wearing the belly difficult enough for you?' she joked with a smile.

"Well, you know me, I always want some extra challenges," I replied. "Do I get extra credit for this?"

She just laughed and shook her head no. "Since we can't get back into school, I think the best thing would be to take you home and have you get changed there. Come on I'll drive you there."

Thankfully, the campus supervisor gave us a lift to the parking lot. I waved to Laura as we drove to the faculty parking lot. I found that getting in and out of the car was also very difficult. Thanks to the gas leak, I was able to have some experiences that the rest of the class missed. My journal for the day would be very full.

We got to my house and I saw that Mom's car was in the driveway. I then remembered that she was starting her first class that afternoon. I needed help getting out of the car, and Mrs. Roberts helped pull me out. My center of gravity was way off.

"Hi, Mom, I'm home," I announced as we came in.

"I heard the news on the radio. Is everyone okay?" asked Mom from the kitchen.

"Yes, we all survived. Mom could you come here, there's someone here I would like you to meet. This is my teacher, Mrs. Roberts."

Mom came out of the kitchen and as soon as she saw me she immediately broke out laughing hysterically. "I'm sorry, honey. I just didn't expect to see you like this," she apologized, holding back laughs. She walked up and put her hand on my extended belly.

"We weren't allowed back into school, so Mrs. Roberts gave me a lift home, and she is going to help me change," I explained. I could feel my face turning red from embarrassment.

"Hi, I'm Jill," greeted Mom, wiping away tears from her eyes.

"Pleased to meet you, Jill, I'm Elaine Roberts. You're lucky, not too many parents see their children in the belly."

"I must admit that this it's priceless seeing Erika like this. Can I give you two a hand?"

"Sure. It isn't easy to get it off."

Getting up the stairs was my last challenge of the day. I had a whole new perspective on life after this day. I had full respect for any woman who was pregnant. I can't imagine how Mom made it through a year of college while she was pregnant with me. I had even more respect for her.

It felt wonderful to get out of the belly and the briefer. I went in to shower as Mrs. Roberts packed it up. She told us that she always had to take it home to wash after each student used it anyway.

I met them downstairs after I got dressed. They were sitting in the kitchen talking.

"Stop by tomorrow and pick up your clothes," stated Mrs. Roberts. "I need to get going, it was nice meeting you, Jill. See you tomorrow Erika."

I walked her to the door and waved goodbye.

"She thinks very highly of you," added Mom.

"I like her too." I always felt a little uneasy having my teachers meet my Mom outside of school. I know it is stupid, but it always feels slightly embarrassing.

"She told me something interesting," Mom said, sitting down at the kitchen table.

"What was that?" I asked as I reached into the fridge for a diet cola.

"She said that you had talked to her about your interest in teaching. Are you serious about that? "

I then went on to tell her my idea and plans.

"When did you finalize these ideas?"

"I think this past weekend it kind of all came together. Dewey was one of the schools I applied to, and they have the best teaching program in the area. Besides, if I don't get the scholarship I can still go part time and work for Mrs. Lincoln."

"Well, you have my support. I think you'd make a wonderful teacher. Now, I have to run. I'll be home around 8:00."

"Cool, I'll have dinner ready."

"My, you are something! Why, just this afternoon you were pregnant and now you'll be cooking dinner for me!" quipped Mom.

 

Chapter Eighty-Two

On Tuesday, I had my weekly meeting with Jenny. She was pleased with my progress but still wasn't convinced that I was ready to go back to work.

"Let's see how you are doing in a week. You'll have the rest of your life to work, Erika, so enjoy your time off. Besides, you are lucky to have a boss who is understanding."

"She's pretty cool."

She then shifted the topic to my transition.

"I received a call from Dr. Wright. He told me that he reviewed your record and that he'd like to meet with you. I have arraigned for you to meet him here at 5:00PM on Thursday, if that is okay with you."

I was silent for a moment as I let her words sink in. "Yes, that sounds great. I'll be here at 5:00. Thank you for having faith in me. What will he do with me?"

"Standard questions. Just be yourself and don't worry."

I wondered what the "standard questions" were. Laura was waiting for me in the reception area. Mom had classes on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I'd had to ask Laura for a ride. She didn't mind as it gave us some time together.

"So, how did it go? You still insane?" she asked in a matter of fact manner as we walked to her car.

"That question implies that I was sane in the first place," I answered with a laugh.

"Good point." She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me close to her. "I'm so in love with you, girl!"

We then kissed. I know that I've said it before, but when she kissed me, I felt so good. The tingles went right down my spine and I often trembled slightly. She told me that she could feel my body vibrate when we embraced.

As we drove away, I told her about my Thursday appointment with Dr. Wright.

"I don't get it. Why isn't Dr. McCall's opinion good enough?" asked Laura.

"Rules. Jenny's a psychologist, not an MD. I'm not worried. It's just another step in the process."

"Well, you want to go celebrate a little?" asked Laura.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked.

"There's a coffee house I've been wanting to take you to. I also want to show you off."

I knew what she was talking about. There was a coffeehouse near Dewey College called Spencer's, and it was a favorite hangout for the gay and lesbian students. Laura told me that it was the place where she first knew that she was wasn't straight.

We found a parking spot around two blocks away and pulled in. I felt very grown up as we walked to Spencer's. We walked down the block and looked in the store windows. I always found the college area so interesting.

We walked in and placed our orders. Laura talked me into getting a cappuccino instead of tea. Since she was treating I didn't argue. Actually, I liked cappuccino, especially when I could put lots of sugar in it!

The interior was very casual. It was like a big living room. There were couches and big old armchairs along with a few standard tables. The walls were covered with various pieces of art by local artists, many of which were for sale. We sat on a couch located near the fireplace. The fire felt really good. It was still cold outside and I wondered if spring would ever arrive.

"So, what do you think?" asked Laura, as she snuggled up next to me.

"It's pretty cool. So you came down here by yourself?"

"Yes, I first came here when I was a junior. I was in major sexuality confusion and didn't really know where to turn. I overheard some kids at school talking about this place, so I snuck down here one night. I told my parents I was at the library." She got real quiet. She took a long sip of her cappuccino. I reached over and wiped off her cream moustache.

"Relax," I stated. I slipped my arm around her. I could feel her trembling slightly.

"Thanks," she replied. "Anyway, when I was here, I found that I could talk openly without fear of being judged. I immediately accepted the fact that I was a lesbian and that it was okay. There's still a stigma at school associated with being gay or lesbian. Not everyone accepts the gay and lesbian students. I also met my first girlfriend here, and I had my first kiss on this very couch." She patted the cushion with her hand.

"When did you decide to come out?" I asked.

"Good question. I wasn't totally hiding it. Cat figured it out first, but that's no surprise. I then told a few select friends like Kristen and Alex. They didn't care one way or another. They said that I was their friend and my sexuality had nothing to do with it." She sort of choked up a little. "There were a lot of rumors flying around school. I was in the middle of the election for Class President, and it seemed like a good time to tell everyone."

"How was that received?" I asked as I took a sip from my mug.

"No one openly said or did anything to me, it was more subtle. There was some graffiti on my campaign posters and a few nasty notes in my locker. A few girls told Coach Chambers that they felt 'uncomfortable' showering with me in the same room. But nothing bad really happened at school. I was elected Class President, although it was much closer that it would have been if I hadn't told them. But, I'm glad that I was honest with them."

"I don't think you are giving them enough credit. They also elected you to the Homecoming Court. There'll always be jerks, but the good people outnumber them."

"Yes, you're right. I keep forgetting that you have been going through a similar experience."

"What about at home?"

"Mom is getting better with it. It's funny, but she likes you; she sort of considers you a compromise," answered Laura with a slight laugh.

"Oh? So does she see me as a pseudo-boyfriend or just a pseudo-boy?" I asked.

"It really doesn't matter what she thinks, it matters what I think."

"And the rest of your family?"

"Mixed. My Dad is still confused. My older sister thinks it's great. She told me Mom and Dad like her boyfriends more since I came out. Seriously, she's cool with it. I really don't care what the rest of my extended family thinks. I'm not seeking their permission."

"I know the feeling. While I don't have a big extended family, most don't understand what I am doing and don't want to understand. Still, you want the people you love to accept you."

"So you can relate? You're so lucky that your mom is so accepting!"

"I know. She's the best."

Laura took a long sip from her mug. She looked at me and took me by the hand, and smiled at me. "And then this year I met you. You have no idea what you mean to me."

"I think I do. I feel the same way about you."

We then kissed. She then looked at me and smiled, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I just cannot imagine you as a boy. Do you remember the assembly on the first day of school, when they had you stand up?"

"Yes. I won't forget that moment. Why?"

"Well, love, I was one of the many who thought you were a real girl. Even after I talked to Cat, I wasn't totally convinced. I also thought you were cute right from the start!"

"It turns out you were right, after all," I answered. We both broke up. Laura started laughing so hard that she almost spilled her cappuccino.

A few people looked over and tried to figure out what was so funny.

"I just want you to know that I see you as a girl and that I fully support your decision to become whole," reassured Laura.

"Thank you for bringing me here, and thank you for sharing your story with me." She leaned over and we kissed. It felt so freeing to kiss out in public.

 

Chapter Eighty-Three

I got home around 7:00. I had an hour to come up with dinner. Looking in the fridge, I found some leftover cooked chicken breast from Sunday's dinner. So I mixed up a pot of red beans and rice and chopped up the chicken and added it to the pot. I then baked up some cornbread muffins. With a salad it wouldn't be a bad dinner.

While the meal was cooking I checked the answering machine. There was one message. I pressed the "play" button and looked through the mail.

"Hi, Jill. This is Sam Warren. I was wondering if you would like to go out to dinner this week. Listen, I'll call back later this evening. Bye."

I carefully saved the message for her. This was so cool! I couldn't wait for Mom to get home!

A little after 8:00, I heard the front door open, "Hi, honey," Mom called.

"How was the class?" I asked

"Excellent. Hmmm, something smells really good."

I told her what I was cooking. I then told her that she had a message on the machine.

I watched as she pressed play and heard Sam's voice.

"So? Will you go out with him?" I asked, with a big smile on my face.

"Is that really your business?" asked Mom. I could see that she was smiling.

"Well, yes, it is. Remember, we have a bet."

As we ate dinner, I told her about my meeting with Dr. Lawrence Wright. I also told her about going out with Laura.

"Sounds like you had an emotional afternoon and evening. So, you doing okay?" asked Mom.

"Yes, they were good emotions. I am excited about meeting Dr. Wright. And well, I feel so much closer to Laura now."

I then asked her more about her classes, but the phone interrupted us. "I think that it's for you!"

She got up and answered it. She mouthed, "It's Sam" to me, and then she took the phone into the family room. They talked for nearly twenty minutes. I was able to clear the table and fill the dishwasher. I put the kettle on. I decided on chai spice black tea. For some reason, it always gave me interesting detailed dreams. The kettle was just blowing steam when Mom got off the phone.

"What are you having?" asked Mom. I told her and she said that she'd have the same. I took out another bag and put it in her mug. The spicy aroma of the tea filled the room.

"So?" I asked, as I carried our mugs over to the kitchen table.

Mom smiled and dipped her teabag up and down, "He asked me out and I said yes. We're going out Friday evening. I take it you approve!"

"That is so cool! I knew he liked you!"

Mom deserved this, after everything we had been through in the past year. Things were really looking up.

 

Chapter Eighty-Four

I was less nervous about the appointment thanks to Caroline. She had seen Dr. Wright Wednesday afternoon. She briefed me on what happened during photography. We were back in the developing room by ourselves, so we could talk freely. She said that he pretty much asked routine questions.

"Did he give you his blessing, or permission, or whatever it's called?" I asked

"Yes. He said that he would mail me the letter," she said.

"That is so cool! Congratulations," I exclaimed and then gave her a hug.

"Yes, I know it's pretty cool."

"So, when are you starting hormones?" I asked.

"I have an appointment in two weeks with an endocrinologist. After he checks me over, then I'll get my prescription."

"I hope to be joining you soon."

Thursday afternoon after school, I was on my way to see Dr. Wright. Mom took off early from work to drive me. Her company was very supportive of us. I was worried about all the time Mom had had to take off during the trial and subsequent collapse. She told me that her boss was very understanding.

Jenny met me in the reception area and took me back to Dr. Wright.

He wasn't what I'd expected. Dr. Wright looked like he was in his early fifties. He had brown hair with a touch of gray and was dressed very casually. He was wearing jeans and a gray pullover sweater. His appearance relaxed me immediately.

Jenny left us after she introduced us. The first part of the interview was as Caroline described it. He asked me questions about my feelings and my decision to seek gender reassignment. He then began to ask me questions about the assault, the trial, and my collapse.

He wanted to know if the assault had any bearing on my decision to stay as Erika. I told him that I was already thinking about it before the assault.

"If anything, the assault accelerated my process of notifying everyone. But it wasn't the reason for my decision."

He pressed me pretty hard regarding my collapse and whether I thought I was strong enough to go through transition.

"I think that my collapse taught me that there are times when it's both okay and desirable to seek support. What led to my collapse was that I thought I was so strong that I didn't need help," I answered.

He smiled and put down his notebook. "That is the sort of answer I was looking for. I must tell you that I had my doubts about your case and I was going to suggest that you delay any decisions. However, I must agree with Dr. McCall that you will make an excellent candidate for gender reassignment."

I sat there speechless. It was one of those "real moments" in life, when you know that something significant has just occurred. You just sort of just sit there and soak it all in.

"I will be sending you a letter in the next week and then you may begin hormone therapy and start taking the legal steps to become female," he explained.

I was finally able to thank him. I was surprisingly calm as I walked out of the office. I ran into Jenny and we talked for a few minutes.

"I just have one question. When I talked to Ms. B about this back in the fall she said that I would have to wait until spring, why the change?"

"We felt that you were ready, based on our sessions and the observations of the faculty. We were all convinced that you are serious about this. But I want you to remember that this is just the start of the journey. Don't try to rush it, and don't expect all your problems to go away," explained Jenny.

"I understand."

On the way home Mom told me that she'd gotten the name and number of an endocrinologist from Jenny.

"Don't be too disappointed, but the earliest appointment that I could get for you is in four weeks," stated Mom

"Nothing sooner?" I asked. She shook her head. "Well, there is nothing I can do about it is there? Thanks for making the appointment."

I wasn't overly excited about the news. I was happy and slightly relieved. However, the more I thought about it, the more excited I got.

When we got home, I called up Laura and Cat. They both were very happy for me. Now that Caroline and I were on our way, I wondered who the third person was that Ms. B had mentioned.

 

Chapter Eighty-Five

It was just Laura and I on our drive to school on Friday. Cat had left earlier that morning for her trip to the crime lab.

"I think it's cool that Cat has an opportunity to go to the lab," I stated.

Laura nodded in agreement. "You want to go to Spencer's this evening, and then go to a movie?"

"Sounds good," I answered. "What movie do you want to see?"

"There is a good independent theater in the college area. They usually show a classic movie on the weekends in addition to the imported films. If there is nothing you want to see, I'm sure that I can think of something else to do," explained Laura, as she gave me a sly smile.

"I see," I replied.

"What time is your mom going out tonight?" asked Laura, as she drove into the student parking lot.

"Sam is picking her up around 7:00. I'm pretty excited for her."

"I think that it's pretty cool that they are going out. Do you think that they'll get serious?"

"I don't know. I hope they do, I feel a bit guilty that Mom hasn't dated much."

"From what I can tell about your mom, she does what she thinks is right."

"I know, but she deserves to be in love too."

"You mean like her daughter?" asked Laura, as she pulled into an open space

"Exactly!" I answered and then I leaned over and kissed her. We then headed into the school.

"What do you think of …the DA?"

"You mean Sam? I like him a lot. He's always been nice to me."

There are a few things I want to write about that day. First, in child development Mrs. Roberts told us that starting that weekend the babies would be given out. The baby was a computerized doll that had sensors in it that could tell how it was treated. It would start to cry and shake, and the only way to address its needs was to insert a special key in its back. The key would be attached by a security bracket to the "parent's wrist." The recording device would tell how long the baby cried before it received attention and whether it was abused.

"Okay, everyone, we have six babies and there are 32 in the class. Everyone in the class must do this to pass. Before I start drawing names, are their any volunteers to go this weekend?" she said. Two girls raised their hands. Mrs. Roberts wrote their names down. "Anyone else? I will pull names and you will be assigned a weekend. If you are absent on the Friday of your assigned week, then you get the next weekend."

I ended up being selected for the next weekend, as were Ann and Debbie. Mrs. Roberts gave the rest us a reading assignment while she showed the six "parents" how to take care of their "child". We watched as she attached the keys to their wrists.

"This is much better than the bags of flour we made everyone carry around in the old days. The bag was supposed to be a baby and what we mainly accomplished was getting flour all over the school," joked Mrs. Roberts.

I also finalized the date for my lecture with Mr. Kline. It would be in two weeks and he'd arranged for the auditorium. I would give it during first and second periods. That way, I'd have plenty of time to answer questions. He told me not to be too nervous, but there would be close to a hundred students, plus faculty for my lecture.

The last thing that happened that day was my conversation with Ms. B. I swung by her office to tell her about my meeting with Dr. Wright. She was very supportive and said that she wasn't surprised that he'd give me his approval. It didn't surprise me that she knew him. I suspected that she was more than just a school counselor. So I had another mystery to solve; unfortunately, I lacked the insight of my best friend. Cat. Maybe I could get her help and serve as her Dr. Watson!

 

Chapter Eighty-Six

It was a real joy watching Mom get ready for her date with Sam Warren. I was sitting on her bed and watched as she fussed with her makeup. She also kept checking her hair.

"Mom, stop worrying, trust me, you look great!"

She stopped and looked at me and broke out in a smile. "I'm just a bit nervous, it's been a while since I dressed up for a real date."

"You'll do fine."

"Speaking of dates, what time is Laura coming by?" she asked, with a grin on her face.

"Around 7:15," I said. I was so lucky to have a parent who was so understanding!

"I still want you in by midnight."

Just then I heard the doorbell. "I'll get it Mom."

I ran downstairs and opened the door for Sam. He walked in and was carrying a bouquet of flowers.

"Hi, Erika. You're looking much better," he greeted me with a smile,

"Thanks, I feel better too. Mom will be down in a second."

We walked into the kitchen. I looked for a vase for the flowers.

"By the way, I think it's great that you two are going out," I stated in a low voice.

He smiled. "Well, that makes me feel more at ease!"

Just then Mom came down. He turned and smiled, "Jill, you look fabulous!" he exclaimed as he handed her the flowers.

Mom smiled and I think I saw her blush slightly. I then heard Laura pull up and I said goodbye, grabbed my coat, and darted out to Laura.

Being it was the weekend I wasn't in a skirt. I was wearing my denim overalls with a gray long sleeve t-shirt underneath. They were comfortable, and besides Laura said I looked cute in them!

Laura was wearing jeans and had a green sweater on. "Hi!" I said as I got in the car. We shared a quick kiss.

"You look nice this evening," I stated.

"So do you."

We talked about Mom and Sam. I was hoping that they would get involved. Mom had dated occasionally when we lived in San Diego. Nothing had ever lasted all that long. I think it was because none of them wanted to date a woman with a teenage son. I'd felt guilt every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't help it. Well, Sam knew all about me and he still wanted to date her, so that was a great sign.

We weren't as lucky finding parking this time and we ended up parking a lot further away from Spencer's Coffee House. I really didn't mind. The weather was getting a little milder. I also liked walking with Laura. We held hands as we walked past the CD shops and bookstores. Even though Laura was out in school, she still felt restricted in displaying her full emotions at Central High. Yes, we kissed, but we tried to keep it low key. Here it didn't matter. Sure we got some looks and the occasional comment, but I know that it didn't matter to Laura.

As for me, I didn't mind being seen as a lesbian. It was better than being made as a boy.

We stepped into Spencer's and I grabbed us some seats while Laura bought the cappuccinos. Luckily, I was able to get us two seats on the couch near the fireplace. The fire felt tremendous. Yes, I said it was getting milder, but the term "milder" is relative when we'd had five months of cold weather!

Laura sat down next to me and set our drinks on the table. She looked around as if she was looking for someone.

"Who are you looking for?" I asked.

"Sorry, force of habit. When I first starting coming here I was a little paranoid. I got in the habit of scanning the room to see if I recognized anyone from school," she explained, as she lifted up her cup and took a sip.

I stirred in some sugar. "You know if you ever did see someone here from Central they might be just as afraid of being seen as you."

"I know, but you know how irrational fears work," she explained.

"Yes, I've had my share of them this past year."

We both laughed.

"Speaking of which, how comfortable are you when you leave school?" she asked.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said that I was 100% comfortable all the time. There's no need to worry in school. Everyone knows that I'm a contestant. Outside of school and Golden Hill I sometimes feel a little nervous. If someone stares too long at me I get a little spooked. I don't think it's because they find me attractive or that I look familiar, I'm afraid it's because they suspect my secret"

"Now that you will be transitioning does it make it any easier?" she asked

"Not really, in fact in some ways it might make it worse. If someone made me in the past, I always had the competition to fall back on as an excuse."

"Speaking of people staring, there are two women over to your left who are looking at you intently," noted Laura.

I glanced over at them and they immediately turned away. One woman was very tall, and the other was around my height. They looked like they were in their early twenties. I'm not sure what was more annoying or rude, the staring or the pretending that they weren't staring!

I turned back to Laura and shrugged my shoulders, "You'd think that in here they'd have seen someone like me before!"

"Don't look now, but they're walking over towards us. Try to be polite, dear!" whispered Laura.

As I turned, around I heard one speak to me, "We're sorry to interrupt you, but are you the girl who was in the sexual assault trial last month? The reason I'm asking is that we were discussing the case in our journalism class," explained the taller of the two women.

"Yes, that was me," I replied.

"I thought it was you! We were at the trial a couple of days. I am Jessie and this is Trish. I just want to say that I think that you were very brave," complimented the tall woman.

"May we join you two for a few minutes?" asked Trish.

I looked at Laura and she shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

"Sure, why not?" I stated.

They told me that they were interested in my opinion of how the press covered the trial. I saw no reason to hold back. I told them that my biggest problem was the descriptions of me and the use of pronouns.

"I got really tired of reading things like 'he was dressed in girl's clothing' and things like that," I griped.

"The problem is that the public doesn't understand the terms transsexual or transgendered," added Trish

"Then you need to educate them," interrupted Laura. "They learned the terms for sexuality, so why can't they learn gender identity terms?"

I nodded. "I agree with her. If the press would use the right terms, then the public would at least be exposed to it."

"Aren't you being a little sensitive?" asked Trish.

"No more that any other group that's discriminated against. Sorry, I didn't mean to get bitchy. It's just that it's a sensitive issue. I was worried about getting a fair jury that wouldn't be swayed by the crap that the defense lawyer was saying."

I went on to tell them about my rape support group and their initial response to me. I felt Laura's hand take mine as I went on my little rant.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional. Please don't take it personally," I apologized

Trish smiled, "No problem. I sort of asked for it. Look can we trade e-mail addresses? I would love to stay in touch with you."

"Sure," I agreed. We traded e-mail and they thanked us and then they left.

"Sorry about that," I apologized to Laura.

Laura was just smiling at me, "I thought you handled that wonderfully!"

We kissed and then I saw the time.

"I guess we missed the 8:00 show," I noted. Laura looked at her watch and saw that it was almost 9:30.

"I guess so! Well, it's time to shift to plan B.," she suggested.

With that she stood up and reached down and took me by my hands and helped me up. We slipped on our coats and headed to the door.

"So what is plan B?" I asked.

Laura just smiled at me and led me out of Spencer's.

 

Chapter Eighty-Seven

"I think you'll like plan B," stated Laura, as we got in her car and pulled out of our parking spot.

"What is it?" I asked.

Laura said nothing. She just smiled at me and blew me a kiss. I noticed that we were driving in the direction of her house.

Laura smiled. "My parents are away for the weekend, so I have the house all to myself."

We arrived at her house and we walked in. We went downstairs to the family room and sat down on the couch together. She then turned on the TV.

Laura then moved closer to me and we started to kiss. She caressed me as we embraced. It was very gentle and very sensuous. After a while, we stopped and cuddled up in each other's arms.

"May I ask you something Erika?" she asked.

"Sure, go ahead."

"Are you a virgin?" she asked.

I smiled. "I still consider myself a virgin in both genders. I don't count what Jason did to me."

"I see. Did you try to lose it when you dated as Eric?" she asked.

"I tried, but was never successful. There was one time I came really close but I couldn't do it. At the time I thought it was due to nerves or being the first time. Looking back, it may have had something to do with my being transgendered."

"That might be true. You know that the hormones will affect your ability to perform. Does it bother you that you may never know what it's like to be with a woman as a guy?"

"No. Well, maybe it does a little, but overall it is a minor concern."

"I wish I could be the one, but the idea of having sex with a male is unthinkable to me," confided Laura.

"Don't apologize. I love you for who you are!"

"If you want to try it with another girl, I won't mind. In fact, I think that it would be cool. You would have a unique point of view that most women can never know."

"That's okay, I'd rather be with you."

"I know that you love me, but I just want you to know that if the opportunity arises, so to speak, that I won't mind. Just as long as you stay with me!"

"I see. So you won't mind if I had sex with a woman as a guy?" I asked, thinking how bizarre this conversation would have been last year at this time.

"Well, only under certain circumstances. It would have to be safe. Hypothetically speaking, if I knew someone who was willing to help you lose your virginity, who at the same time wasn't a rival for you, would you be interested?"

"Hypothetically speaking? Sounds like you already have someone in mind," I replied with a laugh. I wasn't sure how serious she was.

"Maybe," she answered, moving closer to me.

"Do I know her?" I asked

She just smiled and pulled me closer and we started kissing again. She moved my hand to her breast and had me slowly caress her nipples. I could feel them harden through her sweater and bra.

"That feels wonderful. Your nipples will soon respond the same way. The sensation is wonderful, you'll absolutely love it," she moaned. She ran her hand across my chest.

We didn't go any further than that, and that was fine. It was nice just kissing and snuggling.

On the ride home, I asked her how long she had thought about her "hypothetical idea."

"I guess for a few weeks. Can you honestly say that the idea hasn't crossed your mind?" she confessed.

"Maybe. I've been rather flexible in my sexuality this year. I had a girlfriend for a while in San Diego and then I was Paul's girlfriend and it felt pretty nice and normal. Now I'm your girlfriend and even though we're treating it as a same sex relationship, it also feels nice. It's a bit confusing at times, but I've been told that what I'm going through isn't uncommon."

"Don't get me wrong, I don't want to push you into something that you don't want to do."

"I know that. We've shared a lot in the past few days and it only makes me love you more."

We pulled into my driveway. "Are you going to wait up for your mom?" asked Laura.

"I don't want to interfere, but I'll be listening for her to get home!"

"Do you have your group tomorrow?" she asked

"Yes I'll be done around 10:00. Mom and I are spending the rest of the day together. I'll call when I get home. Good night."

We kissed one last time. She waited until I got in and I waved goodbye. I thought about her offer and it made me think about my sexuality. I didn't even know if I could perform with a woman right now. Mentally, I was moving towards being a woman. And I liked the idea that Laura loved me because of my feminine status.

I fixed a cup of tea and went to my room. I changed into my pjs and I turned on my computer and checked my mail. I was pleasantly surprised to see one from Cat. She'd reached the lab and was having a blast. There were three other high school students in the group. The only bad thing was that they would not see an autopsy. She said that she knew Laura would be disappointed.

I wrote back and told her about this evening. What I loved about my friendship with Cat was our total trust and openness. I knew that she'd give me an honest response. It's wonderful having a friend like her, and I've been blessed by knowing Cat.

I then heard a car pull in the driveway. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 1:00 AM.

I peeked out the window and watched as Sam walked her to the front door. I couldn't see what happened, but Mom didn't enter for nearly five minutes. I then heard the front door shut.

I went back to my computer. A few minutes later there was a knock at my door.

"You're up late," remarked Mom.

"Yes, I was doing some research online."

Mom smiled. "You're a terrible liar in either gender!"

"Okay, I was waiting up for you. How did it go?" I asked anxiously.

Mom sat down on the edge of my bed. "It was really fun. I think that we hit it off pretty well."

"Are you going out again?" I asked, as I got up and sat down next to her.

"Sort of. I invited him over for dinner Sunday night."

"Cool. Do you want to be alone?" I asked, with a smile.

"No, that's okay. But thank you for offering. Look, honey, it's late and you have to be over at your session at 8:00. We'll talk more later." She got up and gave me a hug and left.

I went to bed and thought about all the things going on in my life.

 

Chapter Eighty-Eight

I was now fully accepted in the group and I was no longer the newest member. There was a college co-ed who'd been the victim of a date rape. Her name was Alyce and she was a student at Dewey. It was very different sitting on the other side of the table and listening to someone pour their heart and soul out. I also felt very emotional and my own memories of what Jason had done to me resurfaced.

We talked a little afterwards. She told me that she was surprised to see someone as young as me in the group. I started to tell her what happened and she stopped me.

"Oh! That was you?" she asked, "You're the girl from the high school in the trial last month?"

"Yes, that's me," I answered. I waited for her reaction.

"I read about what he did to you. I'm glad that they put the bastard away!"

We talked for a few minutes about the case and how the DA handled it. My being transgendered was never brought up by her once.

As I walked out to the parking lot, her reaction gave me something to think about. I found that I was being as judgmental as I thought most people would be. She knew the case but she referred to me as "the girl." She remembered me as a victim and from a court case, not as a transsexual. I learned an important lesson that day.

I met Mom at the coffee house. We decided to have a mother-daughter day, which would include shopping and lunch. We talked about my group session as we walked to the car.

After some shopping, we stopped to eat in a small bistro. Golden Hill was still small but it was starting to get trendy. I was looking forward to lunch, as I hoped to learn more about Mom's date.

She told me that they'd gone to a restaurant out past the college. It was Sam's favorite place and in addition to the great food, there was a piano in the bar. Mom said that they'd sat in there for hours after dinner, talking while a woman played jazz tunes on the piano. They'd lost all track of time and they were the last ones in the bar.

"Sounds very romantic," I remarked, as I took bite of salad.

"It was. I think that I'm in love with him," admitted Mom. "I know that I am jumping the gun a little, but he is very special."

"You won't hear any argument from me. I like him a lot too," I concurred.

"I appreciate that you want me to be happy."

I told her about my date with Laura. I talked about Spencer's and the discussion with the two girls from Dewey. I didn't tell her about Laura's and my discussion about my virginity. There are some things you don't talk to your mother about!

"You and Laura are getting quite close. I'm glad that you're feeling so comfortable with your transition and identity. Just be careful. I'd hate for you to get hurt."

"Thanks. She is very special and she has made my recovery so much easier. Speaking of my recovery, I really want to start working again soon."

"Okay, I'll change the subject," said Mom. "As for you going back to work, it all depends on what Jenny says."

"Cool. While we are talking about it, I'd also like to help Coach Chambers in the afternoons," I added. I figured I might as well go for broke.

"Okay, but only on the afternoons you are not working. I don't want you to take on too much. You just told me how strong the memories of the assault came back when you talked to Alyce, and then you also got emotional about it last night. You know that this will be with you for a long time." I noticed that she then got real quiet and seemed to be holding back tears.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I just feel angry that I couldn't protect you from what happened. A mother hates to see her child hurt," she apologized

"It wasn't your fault. No one could have foreseen that he would be such a psycho. I'm learning to live with this. I messed up once by going too fast and it won't happen again. I just want to be part of the school again."

The rest of the afternoon was far less emotional and much more fun. Mom seemed to have fully accepted me as her daughter. My only regret was that I didn't discover my true self earlier.

On the way home, we called up Laura and invited her to dinner. Terri was also going to join us. It turned out to be a wonderful day.

Sunday dinner also went really well. It was warm enough on our deck to turn on the grill. It was a balmy 48 degrees, which was a minor heat wave. Sam promised that there would be a spring. I still had my doubts. I swear I saw mammoth tracks in the backyard.

He volunteered to cook the steaks. It was strange; it felt like he had been a part of our lives forever. He did a great job on the grill, better than Mom or I could! We took care of the rest of the meal, with baked potatoes, green beans, and a salad. Sam brought a bottle of wine.

During dinner I asked if I could have a taste of the wine.

"How old are you?" asked Sam.

"I'm seventeen. I'll be eighteen on July 3^rd," I stated proudly.

"Well, why don't we wait until then? You'll only be three years under the drinking age then!" he said, smiling.

"In Europe they allow kids my age to drink wine." I answered with a laugh.

Mom looked around the room, "Looks like we're still in the USA! Sorry, honey."

I shrugged my shoulders. "No problem, it doesn't hurt to ask."

It was a great evening. After we cleaned up, I excused myself to work on some homework. Actually I didn't have any, but I wanted to give them some time alone.

After Sam left, Mom told me that they were going out again on Friday. I was so happy for her.

 

Chapter Eighty-Nine

A lot happened that week in school, I'll talk about the highlights.

School was good on Monday. First, Cat was back. I'd really missed her, even though she was only gone a few days. She told us about her trip and how exciting it was. Laura was pleased to hear that there were no human body stories.

When we got to homeroom, we noticed that Paul wasn't there. Then it hit me, today was his pregnancy day! When he waddled, in everyone stood up and applauded. I give him a lot of credit as he caught a lot of grief that day. I told him that I thought he'd make a great "mom"! I took a couple of photos of him, it was the least I could do!

The first group of "parents" returned their "children" to Mrs. Roberts. The general feeling was that they were in no hurry to get pregnant. One girl said that it was the longest weekend of her life. Some of the other comments cannot be printed here. It sounded ominous. I would be getting my "child" that Friday.

During photography Caroline showed me her cartoon of Paul struggling with his pregnancy.

"After all, he's had a lot of fun with the rest of the class, so I figure that it's his turn," smiled Caroline.

I asked her how it was going with her family. She said that her mom fully supported her decision to transition and that her father was slowly coming around. However, she had no intention of moving back home.

Tuesday, I had a meeting with Jenny. She agreed to let me work two days a week, plus once on the weekend and to help out Coach Chambers two afternoons a week. I had been hoping to help out more that than, but Jenny said no.

"Don't worry about Coach Chambers. I've known Lori a long time. Once I explain it to her, she'll be fine," explained Jenny.

I did have her give me written permission to start working again for Mrs. Lincoln. As before, Laura was waiting for me. We were going to meet Cat at the Chinese restaurant at the mall. It would also give me a chance to drop off the letter with Mrs. Lincoln.

When I walked into the store Mel greeted me. "Well, look who's here! So when will be ready to come back and help us out?" she asked with a smile.

"It's good to see you too! Actually, my therapist just cleared me to start working again. Is Mrs. Lincoln in?" I asked.

"Yes she's in back with Cindy," said Mel. "All kidding aside, we've really missed you."

I went in the back room and I ran into Cindy as she was leaving Mrs. Lincoln's office, "Well, speak of the devil! We were just talking about you," stated Cindy.

"I've been cleared to start working again, but only twice during the week and once on the weekend. Do you think that Mrs. Lincoln will find that acceptable?" I asked

"I think so. She'll be very happy to have you back, even if she doesn't say it to your face," whispered Cindy.

"Please come in Erika," ordered Mrs. Lincoln, speaking from her office.

"I'll see you when you come out," whispered Cindy. "It's great to have you back!"

"Good evening, Mrs. Lincoln," I greeted her, as I entered her office.

I must give you a description of her office. It was small and a large antique desk dominated it. When you walked in, you were immediately standing in front of Mrs. Lincoln. You immediately knew who the boss was. There were two antique oak chairs in front of her desk and you always waited for her permission to sit down!

Behind her desk were a computer and several file cabinets. The wall behind her desk was covered with photographs. Some were of clients, others of big events, and some were at fashion shows. I could see that some of the photos were pretty old and I could also see several famous people in group shots with Mrs. Lincoln.

On the other walls were mounted posters from various fashion shows held in New York, Paris, Milan and Berlin. I wished that I could spend some time just looking around, but Id never have dared to ask her to do that. The pictures and posters were not up there to impress guests. They represented a history of her life.

"Please sit down, Erika," offered Mrs. Lincoln. "I see that you have the letter from Dr. McCall. She is a very remarkable young woman. She called and informed me that you were bringing her written permission. I agree with her recommendation."

I didn't say a word. I knew enough to keep quiet until she was finished. It was sort of funny how we played along with her rules. An outsider might think that we worked for the biggest tyrant in the world, but we knew it was the exact opposite.

"I will place you back on the schedule this week. I would like you here on Mondays and Thursdays 6:00-9:00 and on Sundays noon to 5:00. Is that acceptable to you, young lady?" she asked.

"Yes, very much so. Thank you very much, Mrs. Lincoln," I replied, barely holding in my excitement.

"Now, I do not want a repeat of what happened before. If you are getting too stressed you let us know immediately," she ordered.

"I will. I've learned my lesson and I don't to want to go through that again."

"Wonderful, well we'll see you on Thursday. Erika, It's wonderful to have you back."

"Thank you, Mrs. Lincoln. I appreciate everything that you and the staff have done for me. Good evening," I then got up and left.

I felt very fortunate to have become one of her "girls." I learned so much from her. But what made her so special was that she truly cared about us. We were closer to her than her blood relatives.

I told Cindy and Mel that I would see them Thursday, and then I headed over to meet Cat and Laura.

 

(continued)

  

  

  

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