The Scholarship

by

Julie O.

 

Chapter Sixty-Two

We arrived at Kristen's house a little after 9:30. The party was just getting started. Kristen was very pleased to see us and she gave us a quick tour. Her family had a beautiful home.

I looked around the party and saw many of the crowd from the football parties. I was happy to see that Mike and Tracey were there as well as Paul and Caroline. Caroline and I were the only two contestants at the party. That really wasn't a surprise as the others ran in different social circles. I was happy to run into Rachael. She joked that I looked better in a dress than she did. I was pleased to see that she was dating Chris Taylor. They had started as training partners during their respective seasons and it had just kind of developed into romance.

The party was spread out over the house. The downstairs family room had been cleared for dancing. In the dining room a huge buffet was set up. The living room was the place for talking. We made the rounds to see who was there. When we reached the family room, Laura insisted on the two of us dancing. I was getting better but was still far from graceful. Laura told me what was important was that I was at least trying to dance.

We ended up dancing with other people including Cat. I even danced once with Paul. After dancing a while I needed a break and I headed upstairs. I was getting something cold to drink when Kristen's mom came up to me. We had met once at one of the football parties.

"You're Erika, aren't you?" she asked.

"Yes, I am, Mrs. Carr."

"That's a lovely dress. May I ask where you bought it?" she asked.

I explained to her that it was from the shop where I worked, and that it had been loaned to me.

"So, how's everything else going?" she asked. "We were so shocked to hear what that beast did to you."

"I'm doing better; the trial will start in early February. I'll be glad when it's over," I replied. I really didn't mind her questions.

"I just want you to know that the community is behind you 100%. If you need anything, let us know. We have a lot of pull in this town," she bragged

"Thank you, I appreciate your concern," I replied honestly.

"Also, let me know if Cliff does anything stupid. Sometimes I'm not sure he has any common sense whatsoever," she quipped with a smile.

"Actually, he has been really nice to me and he even stayed with me while I was waiting for my ride home," I replied in Cliff's defense.

She smiled, pleased that he had redeemed himself. "It was nice talking to you, Erika. I'll let you get back to your friends."

"Thank you, Mrs. Carr." I turned around and saw Cat and Laura coming upstairs.

"Come on Erika, it's almost time for the ball to come down!" announced Cat.

I looked at the clock and saw that it was 11:45. Kristen was getting everyone into the living room. Mrs. Carr came in with a tray of champagne glasses. There was some ooohing and ahhhing from the guys.

"Don't get too excited, it's just sparkling grape juice," explained Kristen.

So, everyone had a glass while waiting for the ball to fall and signal the new year. I thought about everything that had happened to me that year and it barely seemed real. I almost got lost in my thoughts, but was snapped back to reality by Laura who had wrapped her arm around my waist.

"Ready to bring in the New Year?" she asked.

I smiled back, "Absolutely! Oh. I just remembered, here take these coins, it's supposed to be good luck to be holding money at midnight on New Year's," I said as I handed her and Cat some coins from my purse.

"Do you really believe that?" asked Laura, as she looked at the coin.

"I see no reason to take any chances!" I replied.

We watched as the clock ticked down. Everyone counted down the last few seconds, " Five.... Four… Three…. Two…. One!" Then everyone yelled "Happy New Year!"

We toasted with the grape juice and everyone began hugging and kissing. Laura pulled me close and we embraced. She looked at me and then we kissed. It was long and very sensual. I was feeling tingles all over my body. Fortunately, we stopped before we went too far.

"Happy New Year, sweetie," she whispered in my ear.

We hung out at the party for a few more hours. Yes, I know that it may have sounded a bit tame, but at least everyone made it home in one piece. I know there were other parties in town that had lots of drinking and other things. But I figured that my life was complicated enough. I also wanted to stay out of trouble. The last thing I wanted to do was to give Jason any ammunition for the trial.

Cat asked me if I wanted her to see about getting a ride home so Laura and I could be alone. I thanked her for the option but I really wasn't ready to go any farther with Laura. I found it ironic that I was dating one of the prettiest girls on campus and I was the one taking it slowly. I wasn't sure of the reason for my apprehension. Maybe there was some residual effect from the attack or maybe I wasn't totally comfortable with my new gender/sex role. Fortunately, Laura was very understanding.

"Look, we agreed to take this slow and I'm willing to wait," explained Laura, "But I must admit that it is very difficult to hold back looking at you in that dress."

I smiled and leaned over and kissed her, "Thank you, I really love you."

There was a sudden exodus and soon we were the last group there. So we decided to help Kristen clean up. The only other people still there, besides us, were Alex, Mike, and Tracey.

Mrs. Carr felt we got to the worst of it and told us that they would get the rest later. We ended up sitting in the living room talking. It was just starting to sink in that in less than six months we would be going our separate ways. Even though I had only known these people for less than a year, I felt very close to all of them. I think everyone picked up on the significance of the moment and that everything would soon be different. There was a desire to hold on to this feeling forever.

Mrs. Carr, sensing what was going on, had us all get together for a group shot. She told us that she would get us all copies.

"This is the kind of photo that you will hold onto for the rest of your lives," she explained.

She was right. I had my copy framed, and I still get a smile whenever I look at it.

Chapter Sixty-Three

As fun as the party was, it also marked the end of our break. It was time to get back into the routine of going to school again. I looked over my planner and saw how my week shaped up. I was still working four days a week. Then there was group therapy on Saturdays and my separate sessions with Jenny every other Tuesday. The latest thing added to my schedule was my running.

Coach Chambers wanted me to be on the track team in the spring, and I had been slacking off in my running. I'd stopped after the attack, and I kept finding excuses not to start again. I had no desire to run outside. I was getting more used to the cold, but still didn't want to run outside. So I decided to join the local fitness center. It was located in the mall, so I got an employee discount. They had machines, but I preferred to use their track, even if it meant running lots and lots of laps. The good thing about the running was that it gave me time to work off my growing anxiety about the trial.

Actually, I wasn't sure how much help I would be to the track team. I was a long distance runner and the longest event for girls was only the 3K. Coach asked me if I was interested in trying the pole vault, as they only had one girl presently on the team who competed in that event. She said that she had a friend who could coach me. I said that I would give it a try, but I doubted that I would be a big help. Coach told me that she mainly wanted me around on the team because I was a good teammate.

So, between school, work and training I didn't have a lot of free time. This suited me fine. I still had a social life and there was also my budding romance with Laura. I thought that staying busy was the best way to cope with everything that had happened and with the trial. After all I had been making great advances in the past few weeks, so I thought that the worst was behind me.

To be honest, the competition had become secondary. It was still very important to me, but as I was moving towards transition it all was looking so easy. The meetings and the upcoming tasks were merely small hurdles. I also stopped looking at the display case. Looking back I was pretty arrogant about it all.

The first day back we had a meeting with Ms. B. The first thing that everyone noticed was that we were down to ten contestants. Of course, Caroline was back, as were Denise, Ann, Debbie, Claire, and Lisa. I'll go into the other three later. Caroline figured that Denise would stick it out to the end too. She just liked her female persona and she treated it as if it was just another phase of life. That was fine with me. I liked her a lot and I found her attitude very refreshing.

Ms. B was pleased to see as many of us back. She told us that were now guaranteed a minimum $1000.00 scholarship regardless of how much longer we lasted. It was our reward for making it through the holidays. This naturally caught us all off guard. This was a drop in the bucket for a major school, but it would cover a lot of the costs for community college.

"Now, if you are all done celebrating, I have a date for you to write down. The first weekend in April you will all be models for a fashion show to be held at the Chamber of Commerce Luncheon. There will be a practice session on Saturday and the actual show will be on Sunday," she announced

There was stunned silence in the room. I thought this sounded like fun, but as I looked around the room at the faces of some of the other contestants, I figured we'd would be down to single digits by tomorrow.

"There will be additional information on the show as we get closer. However, I want to let you all know that this group always gives a scholarship to at least one model every year," continued Ms. B.

After the meeting, she asked me to stay behind. She looked concerned.

"Is there something wrong Ms. B?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. How are you holding up?" she asked.

"I feel great. Why do you think something is wrong?"

"Well, some of your friends are a bit worried. They think you may be trying to do too much," she explained.

"I'm okay. I appreciate their concern but, to be honest, I haven't felt this good in a long time," I replied. It was true. I felt great.

By the look on her face, I don't think I convinced Ms. B. "If you need help, please come see me."

"I promise," I replied. I felt pleased knowing my friends cared about me.

Chapter Sixty-Four

The following weekend I had my first practice cross-examination. Mom drove me over to the college and dropped me off. Karen and Jenny brought in a retired lawyer to act as the defense attorney. He was an older man, medium build, very distinguished looking, with gray hair and piercing blue eyes. He was wearing a tailored three-piece suit. They set up the classroom to simulate the courtroom and told me to pretend that this was the real thing.

I thought that it wouldn't be that bad, but I was wrong; it was brutal. His questioning was fast paced and I barely had time to think. He became impatient and raised his voice when he addressed me. He also used sarcasm when referring to my name and gender. I was suckered into losing my temper in less than ten minutes. My anger grew and I began to loose control, as he hit me with question after question, and soon I was confused and rambling. Still, he didn't stop it. After twenty minutes I could barely remember my name. By the 30-minute point I was a total wreck. I was almost ready to start crying. That is when they stopped.

Jenny took me outside and got me calmed down and relaxed. After twenty minutes she brought me back in. Sitting at the table were Karen and the lawyer.

"Erika, let me introduce you to your tormenter Mr. Robert Hancock," stated Karen

"It is good to meet you, Erika," he greeted. He was now smiling and it caught me a bit off guard.

I sat down at the table. "Nice to meet you too," I answered, rather flatly.

"I can understand your feelings. But if it makes you feel better you lasted longer than I expected," he added with a smile.

He went on to tell me that he had been a prosecuting attorney and then a judge for nearly twenty-five years. Since retirement, he had become a volunteer expert and he specialized in helping victims prepare for cross-examination and he specialized in "high profile" cases.

"So you consider my case to be 'high profile?'" I asked.

He nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid so. Knowing Martin Turner, he will try to make this into a circus to distract from his weak case. Jenny told me that you are an athlete. Good! I want you to consider what we are doing here as training to get you ready for a big event."

For the next hour, he told me how to conduct myself while on the stand. I was told to dress conservatively and to be well groomed. He told me to make eye contact with the jury. I should answer questions with sincere, positive, definite answers. He said that Turner would try to give me yes or no questions, but it was okay to explain to the judge that the answer couldn't be given in a one-word response.

Next, he told me to watch my temper and avoid getting into an argument with him, and if the judge interrupted then to stop speaking. He said that Sam would protect me as much as possible and that I should have faith in him.

He gave me a wealth of information. But knowing what to do and actually doing it was different.

"Look, as long as you stay cool and tell the truth you will be fine. Don't ever lie - any lie, no matter how small. Martin will pick up on it and he will use it against you. By the time you testify, you will be ready," explained Robert. "So, same time next week?"

I nodded yes.

With that he walked out. I knew he was there to help me, but I couldn't help feel agitated at what he'd put me through.

"Are you still angry at him?" asked Jenny with a smile.

"Be honest, Erika," added Karen

"Okay, I am still a little angry at him," I answered. I did manage to crack a smile.

"Good! Then he is doing his job. Remember that Martin may act friendly too, but he isn't your friend either," explained Jenny. "Robert is one of the best at his job. He does this strictly as a volunteer and he has helped us many times. Think about what he said to you and read this booklet."

She handed me a small booklet titled "Sexual Assault Victims Judicial Guide."

"Forget the formal sounding title, that book is full of information that will help you get through this," added Karen.

"I'll read it. I know that he means well and I will do what he says," I answered. I thought about his comments about treating this like an athletic competition. The main difference was that there was no prize for second place.

Chapter Sixty-Five

The weeks leading up to the trial were surprisingly normal – actually, above normal! I was excelling in school and work. Laura and I were moving along slowly. I was worried a little that she would get fed up with the way I was inching into our relationship. I talked to Cat about it and she told me not to worry about that.

My practice sessions with Mr. Hancock were proceeding along nicely. He was still very hard on me, but he felt that I would be ready by the time the trial started. I was still hoping that Jason would just plead guilty and end it there. But part of me really wanted to testify; it was as if I needed to tell what happened publicly. I was expecting to be more stressed out, but the closer we got to the trial, the better I felt. I was feeling very much at peace with myself as I counted down the days until the trial started. Looking back, I view this time as the calm before the storm.

Chapter Sixty-Six

Well, the big day finally arrived and the trial began. As expected there was some media interest in the trial. Thankfully, the judge had decided not to allow cameras in the courtroom and had turned down a request to have the case televised. The press was warned to respect the privacy of all involved and reminded that I was a minor. I think the fear of a public backlash for exploiting a victim of a violent crime kept many away from the story

I had intended to avoid reading the paper or watching TV coverage of the trial, but my curiosity got the better of me. I think what bothered me most was the way I was described and the use of gender. The local paper was very cool and always used the correct pronouns, but they were the exception. Mom said that it was due more to ignorance than any intended prejudice. I wasn't so sure.

There were several requests for interviews. Mom turned them all down. That was the last thing I needed right now. I also later found out that she'd had Terri screen our mail during the trial. My being transgendered brought out a fair share of hateful people. Fortunately, I never saw the letters. I only found out about them later on. Cat told me that they were pretty vile. She said that they ranged from homophobes to religious nuts. Thankfully, they soon tired of this activity.

Mrs. Lee had worked out a program that would allow me to keep up with my classes. Fortunately, thanks to my transfer credits from San Diego, I had a very easy schedule for the second semester. My schedule was Child Development, Law & Enforcement (an elective taught by Mr. Kline), Photography, PE, American Literature, and I was a Teaching Assistant in US History for Mr. Kline. Still I would be missing a lot of classes, so I had a lot of homework.

Mrs. Lincoln had taken me off the schedule until the trial was over, she did however continue to pay me. Mom's company was also very understanding and told her she could take off the time as necessary. I cannot find any fault with the way the town treated us during the trial.

I was nervous as we waited for the judge to enter the courtroom. Jason was sitting with Martin Turner. He was dressed in a nice suit and looked like he was going to church. He had short hair and was clean-shaven. They made him look so nice and normal, as if he was incapable of committing any crime. I wrote down much of what I saw in a small notebook for my future lecture.

Martin Turner had won one small battle. The facts of Jason's previous attack on me wouldn't be allowed to be discussed in the trial. He argued that it was prejudicial to Jason. The judge would allow it in the penalty phase.

I took a deep breath and tried to act calm. I felt Mom's hand on my shoulder. I looked over and felt a little better.

The judge entered the court and the trial started. By listening to the opening statements you might have thought you were listening to two completely different cases.

The DA told the court about a violent crime of abduction, assault and sexual assault. He stated that the evidence would prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt. He took several hours to lay out the case.

After lunch, Martin Turner gave the defense's opening statement. He told the jury that this wasn't a case of sexual assault but a case of deception and the overreaction of a shocked young man. He stated that the sex was consensual and that due to my deception Jason was the true victim in the case. I was prepared for this and I wasn't that bothered. It was how he kept referring to me as "he" and as "Eric" that was annoying. It was as if Erika didn't exist, so therefore there was no crime.

After he finished, the judge let us go for the day. Sam Warren had decided to give the physical evidence first and then use me as his last witness. He told me that I could expect to be taking the stand in four or five days.

That pretty much wrapped up the first day. I felt really tired as we drove home, almost to the point of exhaustion. I put it off as due to being so keyed up about the trial. I slept very poorly that night. I woke up often during the night. I thought about the trial and everything that could go wrong. I cursed Jason for causing so much pain in my life.

The next day Sam started his case. The photos taken of me the night of the attack shocked me. I had seen them before but seeing them blown up and in a courtroom was different. I barely recognized myself. My face was bloody and my hair was all dirty, sweaty, and pulled back. I glared over at Jason as he shielded his eyes from the photos. I wished the judge would make him look at them. I also observed the jury. They seemed shocked by what Jason had done to me.

Sam had experts testify on the condition of my clothes and that they showed grass and mud stains consistent with our yard. They also showed photos of the marks in the ground where he tackled me. They also pointed out the residue of the tape on my pants legs.

A doctor testified about my injuries. He explained that the facial injuries were very deliberate and didn't look like those given in a moment of rage. He stated that in most cases of rage the victim was in much worse shape. He also commented on the injury to my ribs, stating that it was very similar to injuries experienced by football players when they are tackled.

There wasn't a lot of cross-examination by Martin Turner. He made a few arguments on minor points. This was a surprise as I'd thought he would be arguing everything said.

The truck driver was called next. He told the court the condition that I was in, when he found me. The truck driver described my condition and how terrible I looked.

"You removed the duct tape that was binding her wrists?" asked Sam.

"Yes," the truck driver replied.

"Would you describe the tape as being on tight or loose?" asked Sam.

"Very tight. I almost had to cut it off," the man replied.

"Thank you, no further questions," remarked Sam.

Sam wanted to show how brutal Jason had been with me.

Martin asked a few questions, but again I was surprised passive the defense was acting.

In addition to the large photos of my injuries, there were large poster board sized diagrams in the court. Some showed the timeline while others showed the location of key events. Sam used these to visualize the events and the sequence of events.

Sam then called Alex, Cat, Laura, and Mom to testify about the timeline of events. They confirmed the approximate time that I left the party, when I arrived at Cat's house and when I left for home. Mom testified about making the 911 call after receiving Cat's phone call. Again there wasn't a lot of argument by Martin Turner. He did try to imply that Cat and Laura were protecting me by lying to everyone about my love for Jason. I almost choked when he said that.

Sam followed this with the playing of the 911 tape to the court. I was shocked to hear Mom's voice and the fear in her voice. I glared at Jason for the pain he had caused my friends and family.

The next to testify were the various investigating police officers. Included in this group was Nina Robbins, who had collected the rape evidence. The last policeman to speak was the NY State Trooper who had arrested Jason.

The DNA expert went last. He showed how the various samples all matched Jason. They held up photos showing the dumpster and Jason's van. There were circled areas showing where they found samples. They found my blood in Jason's van, on his clothes, and on the edge of the dumpster. They identified Jason's semen on my clothing and from the samples taken during the rape examination. They also identified hairs found on the duct tape as belonging to Jason. Cat found this extremely interesting.

At the end of the third day of the trial, I asked Sam why Martin Turner hadn't been more aggressive in cross-examining the witnesses.

"It's simple, Erika, since they are claiming that what happened between you and Jason was consensual, they have no reason to dispute the evidence. They've admitted that Jason struck you and taped you up. What Martin is betting on is that he can discredit you. If he can do that, then the rest of the evidence means nothing," explained Sam. "Martin is also being careful not to slip up and introduce any evidence that will allow me to mention the previous assault."

"So you are saying that it is all up to me then?" I asked. "Nothing like a little added pressure!"

We both smiled at the joke. But it did deepen the importance of my taking the stand.

"I thought the judge said that you couldn't talk about the earlier attack?" interrupted Mom.

"I can't. But if Martin brings it up, then it's fair game. Martin knows that their case is shot if we prove that Jason knew your biological gender," replied Sam.

I was feeling more and more tired. Oh, I could make it through the day, but I had little energy for anything but the trial. I really had to force myself to do my homework. Even eating was a struggle. The trial went into recess over the weekend and Sam told me that I would most likely be on the stand by late Monday.

Cat and Laura did their best to cheer me up. Cat told me that I was fortunate that I didn't have to wear the pregnancy empathy belly during the trial. I think I laughed for the first time in a week. We hung out all weekend long and they tried to make me relax, but my mind was on the trial.

I was really stressing by Sunday. I was still waking up at night. I was also having some frightening nightmares. In some of them I was back in the dumpster and Jason was trying to get me. Mom suggested that I call up Jenny. Actually, that's not true. It wasn't a suggestion. Mom had called Jenny and she took me over to her office.

We talked for over an hour and she made me feel a bit better. Jenny said that it wasn't unusual to have nightmares so close to the trial. She also told me that she would be in court during my testimony and cross-examination. She told me to take it slowly and not to press myself too hard. I knew that Mom had been talking to her about the way I was behaving, but I didn't press the point. I fully expected to feel better after the trial was over.

Chapter Sixty-Seven

Monday morning, I felt surprising refreshed. I took the stand and had to state my full name. It felt strange calling myself Eric Walters while I was wearing a skirt and a blouse. The judge then asked if I was more comfortable being called Erika and I told him yes. I watched Martin Turner and saw him making notes. I then refocused and prepared for my testimony.

I initially told about the competition and my gradual acceptance of my true gender. I spoke as Mr. Hancock had taught me. I made eye contact with the jury and initially avoided looking at Jason. I answered every question that Sam asked completely honestly. So far, so good.

Sam brought up the controversy in the fall and the physical I was forced to take to prove I was a male. He did this without mentioning Jason or his mother and therefore the judge allowed it to stay in the case.

"So, the results of the physical were made public?" he asked.

"Yes, there was a meeting where any parent could view the results," I replied.

"Objection!" exclaimed Martin Turner. "My client was not…"

"Your honor, may both attorneys approach the bench," interrupted Sam.

The judge nodded and they walked over to discuss something. I don't know what was said at the time, but the objection was withdrawn. Sam walked away smiling, and Martin Turner appeared shaken. He then sat down and glared at Sam.

Sam went into the competition and asked some personal questions. He'd told me ahead of time that, while the questions were personal, his asking them would take ammo away from the defense. So my life was laid out and exposed for the world to hear.

As I progressed, I found that I was gaining confidence and I could look over at Jason. He sat there smugly. Every now and then he would shake his head and lean over and talk to Martin Turner.

We went into recess for lunch before I got into the actual assault. Sam told me that I was doing a good job so far. I looked out over the court and saw many friendly faces. As promised, Jenny was in the crowd, as was Karen. Thankfully Dana stayed away, I love her, but she's too volatile. I also saw Cat, Terri, and Laura. Mr. Kline and Ms. B were also there. I apologize to everyone else who was there and that I've failed to mention.

I forced myself to eat, even though I wasn't very hungry.

After lunch, I told about the night that I was assaulted. Sam pretty much let me tell the story. He stopped me at times so he could emphasize a detail. Martin Turner objected a few times, but was overruled each time. Jason sat there and stared at me. I even thought I saw a small smile on his face, I was hoping that the jury also saw it.

I had a very hard time holding back my emotions as I told about being abducted and assaulted. My voice cracked a few times and I had to fight back tears. When I told about the actual rape, I lost my composure for a short time and my voice cracked due to emotion. I also broke down in tears. The judge asked me if I could go on or would I prefer a break. I shook my head no and told him that I wanted to continue. I regained my composure and finished telling the court about the attack. I focused on Jason and glared at him. Maybe I should have tried to be more detached, but the hate and rage that helped me survive the attack resurfaced. I was no longer telling this to the jury but to Jason, I wanted him to feel my pain. When I finished, I looked over at the jury and I saw a few of them smiling and some others nodding knowingly at me. Jason was looking down at the table; he wouldn't look up as I left the stand.

"What happened during that conference at the bench this morning?" I asked Sam.

He smiled. "Martin Turner was about to object based on the fact that Jason was not at the meeting when the doctor confirmed your biological gender. I told the Judge that if he allowed Martin's objection, then I should be allowed to tell the jury WHY Jason was not at the meeting."

"That explains Martin's pale look as he left the bench," stated Mom. "I thought he was going to be sick!"

I actually laughed at Mom's comment.

"You were good in there today, Erika. I know you'll do good tomorrow, so get some rest," remarked Sam.

My cross-examination would start in the morning.

Chapter Sixty-Eight

I was up really early the next morning. I sat in the kitchen drinking a mug of Earl Grey and thinking about what was going to happen. Mom came down and joined me. We didn't talk; her presence was enough to calm me. Without asking, she fixed me my favorite breakfast, buttermilk pancakes with real maple syrup. It was the first meal I'd enjoyed in days.

After eating, I went back upstairs and changed. Before I applied my makeup I ran my fingers across the scar above my eye. I felt a sudden urge of rage at what Jason had done to me. Why did he do this to me? Why had he caused me so much pain?

I stared back at my reflection and focused my anger. No, I wouldn't let him get away with what he had done to me. While I wasn't happy about my impending cross-examination, I knew that it was the only way to get back at Jason.

I dressed in a conservative black skirt and green sweater. I wanted the jury to take me seriously.

We arrived in the courtroom and again I was pleased to see so many friends in the crowd. I was immediately strengthened by seeing Mrs. Lincoln sitting next to Ms. B. They seemed very friendly and I wondered if they knew each other better than from the Homecoming fitting. I was also pleased to see Coach Chambers in the crowd.

I was recalled to the stand and prepared myself for the cross-exam. The judge warned the defense about the line of questioning. He was told that my sexual history was not admissible. I found it ironic that my only sexual experience, besides kissing and a little petting, was the rape.

"Well, Eric, you told the court a very interesting story yesterday. I would like to ask you about a few minor points," he asked, in a nice calm voice, "You don't mind me calling you Eric, do you?"

"My friends call me Erika," I replied calmly.

He had a slight smirk on his face for a second, "Very well. However, since I am here to shine the light of truth on these proceedings, I think a good place to start with the truth is to use your legal name and gender."

Sam immediately objected and Martin withdrew the last comment.

"Still, I want to get one thing straight. Tell me your legal name," asked Martin.

"Eric Alexander Walters," I replied.

"And, for the record, your true biological gender?" he continued

"Presently, I am male," I replied softly.

"Please repeat your answer louder, Eric," demanded Martin.

"My biological gender is male," I replied, in a slightly louder tone. I did my best not to control my temper, as I knew this was just the beginning.

"Thank you, Eric," stated Martin. "See, telling the truth isn't so hard."

Sam immediately objected and the judge agreed. Martin smiled and withdrew the last comment.

"So, we've established that you are Eric Alexander Walters and that you are male. Is that correct?" he asked.

"Yes."

Martin stepped back from the stand and looked me over. "Eric, I must admit that you do a good job in dressing up as a girl. Do you tell everyone you meet that you are really a male?"

Sam objected. Martin stated that he needed to establish that Jason had been fooled by my appearance. The judge let his questioning stand.

"Please answer my question, Eric," demanded Martin.

"No, I don't tell everyone I meet that I'm biologically male. But I don't deny my birth gender either," I replied.

Martin just nodded. "I see. Did you ever tell Jason that you were really male?"

"I was in the same scholarship competition with him at Central High," I replied.

"That's not what I asked. Did you ever tell him to his face that you were a male? It's a simple question, Eric. Yes or no," stated Martin firmly.

"No. I never told him to his face that I was born male, but…."

"Thank you, Eric," interrupted Martin.

I looked over at Sam and he motioned me to stay calm, and I nodded in reply.

"So Eric, you claimed yesterday that what happened was an attack. First thing, you stated that he used a knife to keep you quiet. When the police searched his van they didn't find a knife, can you explain that?

I had several real smartass answers, but knew that I couldn't use them. "He had a knife the night of the attack, and I felt it against my throat and against my genitals. I also saw it when he cut the tape off around my legs. After he left, I don't know what he did with it."

"I see. Strange that he could press a knife against you and not leave a mark, but we'll get back to that later. Now, did you ever say no to him? Yes or no? What is your answer?"

I sat there for a second. I was about to answer but remembered what Mr. Hancock had said.

"Eric, it's a simple question. Yes or no," repeated Martin. He was now standing directly in front of me, with his hands on the railing of the witness stand. He deliberately blocked my view of Sam.

I turned to the judge. "I can't answer that by just yes or no, Your Honor. May I please explain my answer?"

This led to a small discussion between the lawyers and the judge.

Sam walked away smiling and I saw Mr. Hancock give me a thumbs up. I was allowed to explain my answer

"No. I never told Jason no. Initially, it was because there was a knife to my throat. He threatened me not to speak. Then it was because he taped my mouth shut. The only other time the tape was off was when he was using me. I did shake my head several times to indicate no."

Martin Turner looked back in the crowd and saw Mr. Hancock. I wished I could have seen his face. I did see that Mr. Hancock was smiling at Martin.

However, this initial defeat didn't deter his attack. We proceeded to go over every detail of my testimony. He did everything to try to break me. I was now appreciating the hell that Mr. Hancock had put me through. It was rough, draining and insulting. He tried to make it look as if I had tricked Jason. He told me that this was my chance to tell the truth about what happened that night and to free an innocent young man. I stuck with the truth and my account of what had happened. I glanced over at Jason and saw that he was slumping in his chair. He was beginning to accept the fact that I wasn't about to crack. His defeatist body language only gave me strength. I also glanced at the jury and they seemed to be sympathetic to me.

He questioned the way I dressed and how I tried to look attractive. He tried to imply that I was perverted and that I was deceitful. Additionally, he brought up the homecoming and my sexual preferences. He couldn't get into specifics of my dating but he implied that I was a tease. He even brought up the night we went to hear Denise's band play.

"Eric, would you describe to the court the outfit you were wearing that night," asked Martin.

Sam objected, but was overruled. I described my outfit.

"Eric, did you dance suggestively with several partners that evening?" asked Martin.

Again Sam objected and again he was overruled.

"I danced with several friends that night," I replied.

"Both male and female partners?" asked Martin.

"Yes," I replied.

"Very interesting," replied Martin. "Did you tell everyone you danced with your real gender?"

Sam objected again and again the judge overruled him.

"There was no need to. They were all classmates and they know my biological gender."

"Is that a yes or a no?" Martin demanded.

"No, I didn't tell them I was a male. However…."

"That's all I wanted to hear," interrupted Martin.

I looked and Sam and he motioned to me to stay calm. I nodded back.

Everything seemed to be trying to show that I'd tricked Jason and got what I deserved. Sam did his best job to protect me.

As bad as it was, there is something very cleansing about having your entire life dragged out into public. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but I almost felt like I was given a clean slate. Martin Turner had brought out in court that I was a seventeen-year-old bisexual transsexual. That's what I was before the trial, and now it was public knowledge. He didn't, however, break my testimony.

He kept me on the stand for a complete day. When I was dismissed, Sam was smiling and Martin Turner was conferring with Jason. I walked proudly past Jason and sat down next to Mom. I really needed her hug.

I was totally exhausted but extremely proud of my performance. My friends all came over and hugged and congratulated me as we left the courtroom. I was looking for Mr. Hancock as I really wanted to thank him, but it looked like he had slipped away. Looking back, I think it was very appropriate that he disappeared like a super hero in a movie. I know that I wouldn't have done as well without him.

Sam waved Mom and I over to a conference room. "Great job today, Erika! I'm very proud of the way you handled yourself. You gave them nothing and combined with your strong testimony yesterday you left them with few options. Their only shot is to put Jason on the stand, and I doubt if they'll do that. Martin knows I will destroy him on the stand."

Part of me wanted to see him get Jason on the stand, but I knew it would never happen.

"So, do you think that they'll continue the trial?" asked Mom.

"I wouldn't, but then again I would never have brought this case to trial in the first place. If I do get a call from them about a plea, I'll call you immediately," he promised

Chapter Sixty-Nine

When we got home I was surprised to see Terri, Cat and Laura waiting for us in our kitchen. I could smell Terri's famous lasagna cooking in the oven. It smelled wonderful!

"Your mom though you might be a little hungry after your big day," explained Terri

"Thanks, it's great to see all of you," I gushed as I went around and hugged each of them and then got a kiss from Laura.

Dinner was great but I felt so tired. It wasn't sleepy- tired, but every cell of my body being exhausted-tired. I should have been more up; after all I had survived the worst of the trial.

We were settling down after dinner when the phone rang.

"Hello," asked Mom. She listened for nearly five minutes without saying a word. "We'll be there at 9:00 sharp. Thank you very much, Sam."

We were all watching her as she hung up the phone.

"That was Sam, Jason's lawyer wants a meeting tomorrow morning. Sam figures that they want to cut a deal and he wants your input. He told me that one of the conditions of the plea will be that Jason must tell the court that he raped you and that it was not consensual. You'll also be allowed a statement during the sentencing."

You'd have thought that I'd be overjoyed by the prospect of this coming to an end. But I felt strangely empty. Somehow, after going through the cross-examination, I wanted my pound of flesh. I wanted to see the jury walk in and declare him guilty on all charges. Yes, it was petty and vindictive but I figured that I was owed that.

Even though I was tired I barely slept a wink that night and it was a real struggle to get up in the morning. I had to force myself to get going. What was strange was that once I was up and functioning, I excelled.

We arrived at the courthouse and were directed to a side office. Sam walked in and sat down at the table.

"He's willing to plead guilty but they are seeking a reduced sentence. If we accept the deal he could be paroled in fifteen years, but no sooner. He will also be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life," he explained.

"Is that good, Sam?" asked Mom.

"It is a bit less than I think we could get if this goes to the jury, but it would bring it to an end. It is up to you two. I can just as easily tell him that we won't accept the deal and go for the conviction in court."

"Let's take it. I want this over. But, will he have to say that he attacked and raped me and that I didn't willingly do anything with him?" I asked. This was extremely important to me. I wanted Jason to exonerate me publicly. I knew that he wouldn't have to do this if the jury found him guilty.

Sam nodded. "Absolutely. It is key to the plea. He must give such a statement in court. If he doesn't do it, then we'll send this right back to the jury; Turner knows this."

"Good. So when does this happen?" I asked

"By this afternoon or I'll withdraw the deal," he replied

"Are you sure, honey?" asked Mom.

"Yes, let's just close this chapter now," I stated firmly. I was more interested in Jason being forced to tell everyone the truth than his sentence being longer. "Wait. There's one more thing that I want Jason to say. I want him to admit that he told his lawyer that he knew my real gender." I wanted to get back at Martin.

"I'll see what I can do. Jason doesn't have to admit to anything he told his attorney," replied Sam.

Court was back in session by 1:00 and then Jason changed his plea to guilty. There was some clapping and cheering in the crowd until the judge threatened to clear the courtroom. There was a short recess and then Jason took the stand to make his statement.

I sat there with Mom next to me with her arm around me. I was trembling slightly and was glad to have her next to me.

Jason sat there with is head down. His voice was low and without emotion. It was as if the reality of what he had done was sinking in, "I want to say that I am sorry for what happened. Yes, I abducted and assaulted her. Everything happened the way she said it did. She did nothing wrong, what I did to her was forced and she tried to resist," he confessed. "I just want both of us to be able to get on with our lives."

Okay, it wasn't a huge confession, but at least he admitted attacking me. I didn't feel sorry for him, in fact I still felt a strong sense of hatred towards him, but there was a sense of sorrow that he had ruined his life at such a young age. I noticed that he didn't mention anything about Martin.

I began to cry softly, as did Mom. Luckily, Terri handed us some tissues. It wasn't until I saw the transcripts that I realized that he'd referred to me as female.

The sentencing date was set for mid-March. Jason was sent back to jail.

We walked out and were mobbed by friends and well-wishers. Terri kept the reporters away for us. I appreciated their support, but I just wanted to get back to my life.

Chapter Seventy

I tried to get my life started up again. The trial was over and I had been vindicated. Even the papers dropped the story. The only real negative thing was an editorial in the local paper calling for an end to the scholarship competition. It claimed that it was the real criminal in this case and not Jason. However, the letters that responded to it were overwhelming in favor of keeping it.

I was feeling good, but I still tired easily. I decided that I could work my way out of these doldrums. I started working again for Mrs. Lincoln. My closest friends and Mom all told me to take it easy and to slow down. They suggested that I take a break and relax, but I knew better. I told them that I was glad that they were concerned, but the worst was behind me.

My first night back at work was great. It was a Friday and Mrs. Lincoln had selected a nice outfit for me. It was a beautiful navy cocktail dress. Cindy and Mel welcomed me back to work and I was given my assignments for the evening. It felt good to be dressed up and to be working again. I didn't even mind the high heels.

I was working in the back room when I noticed that the trash was full. Without giving it much thought, I picked it up and went out into the passageway to take it to the dumpster.

 

 

 

The next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed. I woke up with a start and was totally disoriented. There was an IV in my arm. My mind was foggy and I was confused and scared. Mom reached over to comfort me.

"Where am I? What happened?" I cried out. I had many more questions but Mom stopped me.

"You're okay, Erika. You're in the hospital, they brought you here from work," explained Mom with tears rolling gently down her face. "You had me so worried."

Before I could say a word, Mom walked over and hugged me. We held each other for what seemed like hours.

"What time is it? I feel like I've been out for a long time," I asked as I tried to shake off the cobwebs in my mind.

Mom looked at her watch. "It's 7:30 AM…. Sunday morning."

"I was out that long?" I asked. I was shocked! I had no idea that I had been out for so long. No wonder Mom looked so tired.

She nodded. "I need to call the doctor, he'll be happy to see that you're awake."

The doctor arrived and he checked my chart while the nurse took my vitals. She also took out the IV.

"You look much better than you did when they brought you in, young lady," he stated

"What happened?" I asked, as I sat up in bed.

He smiled. "Tell me, Erika, what is that last thing you remember?"

"I was at work and I was taking out the trash and after that I don't remember a thing."

"You were found on the floor in a fetal position, shaking and totally unresponsive. We brought you in and sedated you. You were suffering from near total exhaustion. Basically, I think that you just shutdown due to all the stress that you have been under," he explained

"So, I cracked up?" I asked. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that I had failed.

He smiled and shook his head. "No, Erika, you didn't crack up. I'd put it down more to stress and depression. Unfortunately, it's very common in sexual assault cases. Tell me, how are you feeling right now?"

"Tired. No, make that totally exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for a week!"

"I think that rest will help you a lot. At least, it's a good start," he explained. "You need to let your body and mind heal and rest; sleep will be the right medicine. Also you need to put on a few pounds, you're a little underweight"

"So what happens now? Do I get to go home?" I asked with trepidation. Suddenly, I had visions of being taken away and being committed to an institution.

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea, but I want to have you cleared by Dr. McCall first. I understand from you have been seeing her," he added.

"Yes, I have," I replied softly, wishing I had listened to her advice more.

"Good. I called her and she should be here in an hour. Call the nurse if you need anything. By the way do you want to see your friends? They're out in the waiting area,"

"I think she would, Doctor, thank you very much," interrupted Mom.

He smiled and walked out.

"I can speak for myself," I stated with a small laugh. "I'm so sorry for all of this Please forgive me for everything I've put you through."

I started crying and held onto her.

"You have nothing to apologize for, honey. This is just another injury from the attack. You did nothing wrong," she comforted, as she stroked my head.

Just as we were wiping the tears out of our eyes Terri, Cat and Laura came in and the crying started all over again.

We talked until Jenny arrived. As they all left Cat told me that they would get me something a little more casual to wear home.

"Hi Erika. You know, we really need to stop meeting here," she greeted with a smile.

"Yes, but I'm getting a great collection of these bracelets," I said, holding up my wrist and showing my hospital tag.

"You were wearing this when you were brought in?" asked Jenny, as she examined my dress hanging in the closet. "It's lovely, it's no wonder you love your job."

I just smiled.

We talked about what had happened and the consequences. She told me that it could have been far worse. I asked her how much worse and she said, "How about substance abuse or suicide?"

Jenny felt that she should see me a couple of times this coming week and then go back to seeing me weekly in addition to the group sessions. She told me that I was to cut back on my activities, it wasn't a request it was an order. She wasn't against me working, but only a few times a week; and she also recommended that I cut back on the training.

Jenny's biggest job was to convince me that what Mom had told me was right, that this was an injury from the assault and that I needed to let it heal.

"Look, Erika, I know that you feel that people will see you as weak or something for this, but you can't let that bother you. Besides from what I saw in court, your friends accept you and have deep feelings for you. I'm sure that your real friends will support you as you recover from this injury, and if they don't they weren't your friends in the first place. Now, I have to talk to your mom. Don't worry I just need to let her know about your increased counseling schedule. You will recover from this, but we need to do this by my rules. Do you agree?"

"Yes, Jenny," I replied. She was right. It only required me going into stress induced shock and being sedated for nearly two days to see this. "Thanks!"

After she left, Cat and Laura came in with some clothes. I smiled when I saw what they had brought. It was my running sweats, Wolfhound football championship t-shirt, bra, panties, socks, and sneakers.

"I figured you'd want your comfort clothes," explained Cat.

"Thanks."

I went into the bathroom and got dressed. When I got out, I found Laura eyeing my dress.

"Erika, you want me to take this back to work for you?" she asked

"Yes, but no detours," I quipped

"Party pooper!" she replied, as she held the dress in front of herself.

"How cold is it outside?" I asked, noticing that they hadn't brought my coat.

"Pretty cold. Damn! I knew we forgot something! Laura, see if you can go borrow a coat from someone," exclaimed Cat

Before I could protest, Laura was gone.

"You don't think she'll ask someone for their coat for her crazy friend do you?" I asked Cat.

"No, but she might ask for one for you," answered Cat. She stared at me and looked really serious. "You really scared us this time. From now on you need to listen to others and stop trying to act as if nothing happened!"

"I know that…. now. I will listen to you guys more in the future," I replied. "I promise." I put my hand up as if I was giving a pledge.

"Like I'm going to believe you," Cat quipped. "I figure that I'm going to be helping you out of one mess after another for a while. But it's a job I don't mind having."

"I'm so lucky to have you as a best friend," I replied and then we hugged.

"Hey, Erika, I found a jacket and it looks like it will fit," interrupted Laura, as she entered my room.

She came back in and was holding out a red and silver Central High Wolfhound letterman's jacket. She held it and I saw my name embroidered on the front with Cross-Country under my name. My cross-country letter was on the other side.

"Where did you get this?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"We were saving it for you as a post-trial gift, here try it on," explained Cat, as she handed me the jacket.

"What did I ever do to deserve such good friends as you two?" I said as I looked at myself in the mirror. It was a perfect fit.

"We're still trying to figure that one out," snickered Cat

We then embraced in a group hug and cry.

Mom and Terri came in. "Well the doctor says you can go home. Jenny wants you to stay home from school for the rest of the week and no work either. She'll see you later this week and see how you are doing," explained Mom.

I didn't argue. I knew that I was lucky and that it could have been a lot worse. I had a second chance and I wasn't going to throw it away.

 

To Be Continued

  

  

  

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