The Scholarship

by

Julie O.

 

Chapter Forty-Two

Saturday morning, I helped Mom around the house. That was one aspect, of my so-called female life, that I was already familiar with. Since it had always been just the two of us, I'd long ago taken on many household chores. I did the laundry, dusting and vacuuming long before I started wearing skirts. The only big change from before was that now I was more involved in the kitchen.

Neither of us was really into cooking. It was a necessary evil. We ate well, and sometimes Mom would try something adventurous, but it wasn't something we truly enjoyed. Thanks to my Home Economics teacher, Mrs. Roberts, I'd become pretty good. Still I'd rather have someone else cook.

Around 10:30 I called up Dr. Buford. I was almost hoping that she wasn't at work. I could leave a message and hang up. Unfortunately, she was in.

"Good morning, Dr. Buford. This is Erika Walters. I believe that Dr. McCall talked to you about me," I explained. Gee, that didn't sound too formal and dorky, I thought.

"Yes, good morning. Erika, I was hoping you'd call me this morning. By the way, please call me Karen," she offered.

We talked for a few minutes and then she invited to come by next Saturday morning.

"I have a group that meets at 8:00 AM. They would be a good fit for you. There are eight women in it presently," Karen explained.

"I'm a little worried about how they will receive me, Karen," I replied.

"Don't be. I hinted that you might be joining us. They seemed willing to give you a chance," she answered. "I'll be on your side. I don't see your assault as being any less traumatic just because you're physically male."

"Okay, I'll be there," I said.

She gave me directions and asked me to bring something to share for breakfast. It was a tradition that the new person brought bagels or muffins to the meeting. I thanked her and hung up the phone.

I got back to the laundry when the phone rang again. I heard Mom get it

"Honey, it's Cat," she yelled.

"Thanks," I answered, and I picked up the phone. "Good morning, Cat."

"Hi Erika. Laura, and I are going to the movies this afternoon, can you join us?" asked Cat.

That sounded great, I thought. I checked quickly with Mom and she said no problem. I told Cat that I'd love to go with them, and she said that they would pick me up at noon.

The three of us headed to the mall. First to get something to eat and then catch the 1:30 show.

 

Nothing exciting happened, no one dropped any bombshells, and no one had any earth-shattering news. Just a fun afternoon hanging out with friends. I mean, I had had plenty of afternoons like this one before. I'd never thought they were important enough to include in my saga. But the reason I included this one was that my life was craving something like this. It also made me realize how important every moment in life can be. When I got home, Mom asked me how my afternoon went. I told her it was just fine.

Chapter Forty-Three

Sunday, I was back at work. I wasn't ready to wait on customers yet; that wouldn't happen for a few more weeks. I was still being trained on all the little things. I learned how to properly wrap up the customers' purchases. This was especially important when we were dealing with such expensive items. I was also taught to be very polite and nice to the customers. I also learned what it was like to be the junior salesgirl with such fun duties like emptying the trash, restacking and refolding clothes and most importantly making the coffee run!

Actually, I'm not being fair to Mel and Cindy. They really treated me nicely and they did their share of drudgework at the store. I figured that there was a bit of them feeling me out and seeing how well I'd fit in. Yes, it is true that they did send me for coffee, but they also bought mine.

I went to the gourmet coffee stand to pick up our order. Cindy ordered a latte and Mel wanted just normal black coffee. Cindy joked that she wasn't sure that they even sold that anymore. Personally, I couldn't get into coffee, it was too bitter for me, except when I put in sugar and milk. On the other hand, Cat was really into coffee and she had tried several times to get me to like it. I stuck with tea. Cat kidded me that it had been easier to get me into dresses than to get me to like coffee.

As I picked up our order, I saw Paul walking by. I waved to him and he looked at me kind of strangely. Then it hit him who I was.

"Wow! I didn't recognize you, Erika, how is it going?" he asked. "You look great!"

"Better, thanks. I work over there," I answered, pointing to the shop.

"Swanky! That's right, I forgot you'd got a job. My Mom shops there sometimes," he said.

"Well, I have to head back to work," I explained as I checked my watch.

Paul took the cups from me. "Here, let me help you. It would be a shame for you to spill something on that dress." I could see that he was wondering how I could afford it.

"It isn't mine, my boss insists that we dress nicely and she supplies the clothes," I answered. "And thanks for helping."

We walked back to the store. Paul was a bit hesitant to enter the store.

"Don't worry, they won't make you dress like me. Come on, I want you to meet my co-workers," I quipped.

I introduced him to Cindy and Mel as I gave them their coffee.

"Paul, what did you say your last name was?" asked Cindy.

"It's Brady."

"Is your mother's first name Jackie?" asked Cindy.

"Yes, it is," answered Paul, slightly surprised.

"I've known your mother for years. It is a pleasure to finally meet the son she is always talking about. She thinks the world of you."

Paul seemed slightly surprised and pleased to hear that his mom thought so highly of him.

"Here, Paul, please give this sales pamphlet to your mother. It's our holiday mailer," added Mel.

Paul thanked them and said good-bye. He looked at me and smiled and walked out.

"Nice boy," commented Cindy, "His mother has been a regular customer for years."

"Yes, he is nice," I said softly, as I watched him walk way.

"Ohhhh…." acknowledged Mel, "So, when did you two break up?"

"Is it that obvious?" I replied, watching them both nod yes and then take a sip from their coffee, "We didn't break up, I broke it up. I'm okay with it, but I don't like to see him sad."

"I understand, Erika, you don't need to say anything else," said Cindy, as she put her arm around me.

Mel gave me a look, as if she really didn't believe me.

"I don't mind. We're still friends," I answered as I went back to work. Mel was right. I was far from being over it.

"Even though you're 'okay' with it, feel free to talk to me anytime," smiled Mel.

"Thanks," I replied.

As I worked, I thought about Paul. I accepted that my feelings for him had changed. I knew that we would never be more than friends. There was a feeling of concern for him. I felt bad for hurting him, but I knew that I had done the right thing.

Cindy drove me home again. She asked how I liked working at the store.

"It's much harder than I thought. Mrs. Lincoln has such high standards," I explained.

"That's true, but you will learn a lot from her," added Cindy. "So, anything else on your mind?"

We were stopped at a light. I looked over at her and could see her smiling.

"How long does it take for the fear to go away?" I asked

"To be honest, I don't think it ever does. You just learn to control it," she answered. The light changed and we continued down the road.

I nodded. "Oh. I've talked to Jenny and the DA about how difficult testifying will be, they make it sound pretty bad."

"It won't be fun. But when I look back, it was one of the days that that I'm most proud about!" Cindy exclaimed

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry," I apologized

"Don't worry, Erika, you're not prying," she replied. "I just want to help you when I can."

"Thank you."

When I got in, I found that Cat and Terri were in the kitchen with Mom.

"So, here's the newest salesgirl at the most stylish boutique in town," announced Terri.

I sat down and joined then. I kicked off my shoes and began to rub my feet. "I spent the last five hours in heels and my feet are killing me."

All three of them just stared at me.

"I guess I'm not going to get any sympathy here." I smiled

"None at all," replied Terri. "During college, I had to wear a very skimpy outfit at the restaurant I worked at. The money was good, but I felt like I was almost naked."

"I know what you mean. I had a similar job back in San Diego," added Mom.

I was shocked by Mom's confession. "Really? You never told me about that one!"

Mom gave me "The Look." "The Look" was used whenever Mom didn't want to discuss something. I knew that there were some things in her past that she didn't want to share.

"I'll tell you about it when you are older," joked Mom.

"How much older?" I asked with a smile

Mom laughed. "When you're fifty!"

During dinner, we discussed Thanksgiving. Terri agreed to have it at her house, as she loved cooking. She also told us that she'd invited her sister's family to join us. That was fine with Cat and me, because that meant Alex would be coming. Cat was close to Alex and had always seen him as her big brother. I liked him a lot too. He'd really made my adjustment to school a lot easier.

I told Cat about meeting Paul when I was at work. I also told her about my present feelings toward him.

"You know, I think I know a solution to this problem," announced Cat.

"Well? What is it, oh wise one?" I asked.

Cat just smiled at me, "I'll tell you tomorrow."

Chapter Forty-Four

It was 6:00AM on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I was up early, having a cup of tea in my pjs at the kitchen table and reading the morning paper. Actually, I was doing more thinking than reading. I had been stuck on the same article for the past twenty minutes. It had been a restless night, and I had a lot of things on my mind.

First there was Thanksgiving. Actually, that was a good memory. It was my first big holiday since we'd moved to Golden Hill and my first since I had become Erika. We'd had dinner with Cat and Terri. They had become our family since we moved here, and in some ways they were closer than some of my real relatives.

Terri put together a great dinner. We assisted but she did most of the work, which was fine with Mom and I. It was also nice to socialize with Alex and his family. Alex had been swamped since we'd won the championship. Over twenty colleges and universities were recruiting him. He told us that all the attention was getting kind of old and that he had narrowed his choice down to a couple of schools.

Alex's parents were really cool. They told him that they would support his selection. However, they wanted him to consider academics as well as athletics in his final decision. Personally, I had no doubt that Alex would succeed in both areas. I also got to meet Alex's younger brother, Nick, who was a junior.

Alex's father also recommended a lawyer to Mom, just in case we decided to file a civil suit against Jason and his family. I appreciated his thoughts, but I didn't want any money out of this. The only thing I wanted was justice.

The second thing on my mind was Paul. I still felt guilty about breaking up with him. Cat claimed to be working on something that might make me feel better about it, but so far she had kept it to herself.

But really the thing that had me up so early was that I was going to my first group therapy meeting today. I checked my watch and saw that I needed to get into the shower soon. The session started at 8:00 and I'd have to make a stop along the way to pick up some muffins.

I walked towards the stairs and hesitated by the front door for a second, but I didn't check the lock. I hoped that I was getting over that obsession. I went upstairs and showered and afterwards did my daily examination of my face. It had been a few weeks since the assault, and I was almost looking normal. The bruises had faded and weren't too noticeable anymore. My scar above my right eye still looked bad, but I was told it would take time to heal. Then there was my nose. It was now a little crooked, but it didn't seem to bother my breathing. Mom had told me that I could get it fixed if I wanted to.

My ribs didn't hurt anymore. Alex told me I was lucky that they hadn't been broken. He told me that he'd broken two ribs in junior high and that it had hurt to breathe for months. I think that the only reason that they weren't broken was that they were injured during the initial tackle. It wasn't an intentional injury like everything else Jason did to me. If he had thought of it, I'm sure that they would have been broken.

After putting on my panties and bra, I debated on what to wear. It was early so I went with the casual look. It was also cold and cloudy outside, so warmth was a major consideration. It wasn't even winter yet and I hated it already. I selected a sweater and slipped it on. I then put on a little bit of makeup. Thankfully, I had very little facial or body hair so I rarely had to shave. I knew that, even after I started hormones, I'd have to get some electrolysis. I wasn't looking forward to that.

I slipped on a pair of socks and some loafers. I inspected myself in the mirror. Not bad, I thought, although my hair would need a touchup soon. I made a note in my planner to call the salon.

I could hear Mom stirring as I left my room. I knocked on her door and asked her if she wanted me to fix her a mug of tea. I heard a groan that sounded like a yes, and walked downstairs and put the kettle on again.

Mom came down a few minutes later. "Good morning, honey. Did you sleep well last night?"

"Great, I just got up a little while ago, thanks for asking," I replied. It was a lie, I had been awake since 3:00 and I had got out of bed around 5:00. "How about you?"

"Good thanks," she answered. "Funny thing, I thought I heard someone up a little after 5:00, must have been the wind."

I looked over and smiled. I never get one by her.

We drove together to the college. I picked up a dozen muffins at a little donut shop near campus.

"If they get hostile, I'll just throw the box one way and run the other," I quipped

We parked right outside campus. I could see that the building where the meeting was held was right across the street. Mom saw a coffeehouse up the block and told me to meet her there.

 

Chapter Forty-Five

I glanced at my watch and saw that it was time. I crossed the street with the box of muffins and entered the building. I checked Karen's instructions and found the room. I stood outside for a second, took a deep breath, and entered.

The room itself was unremarkable. There was a large table in the middle of the room with chairs arranged around it. There were several women standing around talking. Some stared at me as I walked in. I didn't get an instant feeling that I was welcome!

A tall woman with dark brown hair walked towards me smiling, "You must be Erika. I knew you immediately by the pink box you're carrying. Here let me take that from you," she greeted me, as she took the box of muffins from me and set them on the table.

"Yes, I'm Erika, are you Karen?" I asked.

"That's me," she stated. "I'm really glad you showed up. Many first timers get cold feet. We're about to get started. Don't worry, Erika, you'll be okay"

I nodded and sat down next to her. From the looks I was getting, I wasn't sure how well I was going to be received. As I looked around the room, I saw eight women sitting around the table. I got looks ranging from indifference to anger and a few that wouldn't even look my way.

"Good morning, everyone," announced Karen, acting as if nothing was wrong. "As I told you all last week, we have a new member of our group. I expect all of you to give Erika a warm welcome."

The room was filled with silence. Not exactly a warm welcome.

Karen was suddenly interrupted by a woman at the end of the table. "Excuse me, Karen, but I think I speak for the group when I say that we really don't think that this person should be allowed here. As you told us, this person isn't a real female and therefore can have no idea of what we have gone through. I know that you mean well, but there has to be a more appropriate group for…HIM," she grumbled as she pointed at me.

The look she gave me was full of anger, and I started to get up to walk out, when I felt Karen's hand on my shoulder gently pushing me back down into my seat. I glanced up at Karen and saw that she was smiling back at me. I knew that at least one person was on my side

"Does Dana speak for all of you?" asked Karen.

I watched as each woman nodded in agreement. Many wouldn't make eye contact with Karen.

Another woman glared at me and then turned to Karen. "You promised that no men would be allowed in these meetings!"

"I'm not a man," I stated.

Dana looked at me and rolled her eyes. "I don't wish to be insulting, but it is a risk that someone like that takes when they go out in the world. I admit that HE does pass well as a girl, and because of that he does share some of the blame for what happened."

For the first time since I'd survived the attack, I felt really scared. If this group of women saw me as causing the assault, then what chance would I have with a jury?

"I did nothing wrong," I interrupted. My voice was soft at first, but was becoming stronger and more filled with confidence. "The person who abducted, beat, and violated me knew my status and took great joy in injuring me. I think you'd like him, as you seem to have a lot in common with him. He liked humiliating me too."

Screw them, I thought! If I was going to get kicked out, then I was at least going to have my say.

Dana turned and glared at me. "How dare you speak to us that way! You have no idea of what we have been through! You're a male in drag! It's totally different for you," she yelled. "You may have been assaulted, but it wasn't rape!"

"The DA is calling it rape!" I angrily yelled back.

Karen interrupted and stood up. "Fine. If you feel that way about Erika, then I will ask her to leave. However, I want you all to at least listen to what she has to say first. Go ahead, Erika, tell them your story."

I looked up at her and could see that she was smiling at me and nodding gently. She had her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. I looked around the room, took a sip of water, and then started to tell them about my assault. I started with the background and events leading up to the attack. Then I went into the attack. I closed my eyes and pictured what had happened as I told it. I found that I just wasn't telling the story, I was reliving it. I included every detail: the abduction, the rape, the beatings, the humiliation, and the fear. I spared nothing and did not soften the details. I wanted them to hear everything that Jason had done to me, and I wanted them to feel my pain.

When I finished, I bowed my head. I didn't want to make eye contact with them as I was also fighting back tears. I didn't want to appear weak to them. I hoped that they would just let me get up and walk out of there without any further insults.

I sat there for a moment. The room was totally silent. I guessed that I had put them all to sleep. Karen's voice broke the silence.

"Are you finished, dear?" she asked me in a low soothing voice.

I nodded yes. "Karen, thank you for letting me talk. I won't bother you all anymore." I started to get up to walk out.

"Wait. Excuse me, Erika, but I'd really like you to stay. I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. I was totally out of line. I directed the anger I feel towards my attacker to you. That was stupid. I'm sorry, please stay," apologized Dana. She got out of her chair and walked over and wrapped her arms around me. Most of the group followed suit, although a few sat in their seats and looked away from me. Naturally I broke down and started crying.

Karen asked me to stay for a few minutes after the meeting. I was totally drained, but I felt pretty good. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red from crying and my makeup looked awful.

"I'm sorry for their initial reaction to you, but you handled yourself very well," she explained. "The way you described the assault is the way you should do it when you testify."

I wiped my eyes with a tissue. "I guess that I've been too sheltered the past few months. I forgot how most people view the transgendered. I wonder if the jury will be understanding or see me as some sort of perverted freak who 'got what they deserved'."

"I'm not going to lie to you, Erika, it won't be easy. There are a lot of closed-minded people out there. But many of them are just uneducated, which is a lot different from being totally ignorant. Keep in mind that you swayed a whole room of hostile women over to your side this morning by just being yourself," she explained.

"Not everyone was swayed," I stated, referring to the two women who refused to acknowledge me.

"True, but the rest are on your side," answered Karen.

"So, will I be welcome back next week?" I asked meekly.

"Absolutely, Erika. Now, do you need a ride home?" she asked.

"No, thank you. My mom is waiting for me at the coffeehouse down the block. I just need to go clean up first," I replied, as I wiped my eyes.

"I'll wait for you. I'd like to meet your mother if you don't mind," she added.

I washed my face and reapplied my makeup. My eyes were still a bit red, but there was nothing I could do about that.

We walked over to the coffeehouse and I introduced Karen to Mom. They hit it off right away. I desperately needed something really sweet, and left them to talk. I picked out a raspberry Danish and ordered a medium hot chocolate. As I waited for my order, I looked around the room. There were individuals studying or reading and there were groups involved in heated discussions. I glanced over at the bulletin board and saw the variety of notices and ads. It was so exotic compared to high school. I suddenly got a new shot of adrenalin that refreshed my desire to win the scholarship and go to college.

On the drive home, I told Mom about the meeting.

"Karen told me how well you handled yourself. I'm very proud of you," Mom announced.

"I'm very proud of you too Mom. I can't even begin to thank you for all you've done for me the past few weeks," I replied

Mom smiled at me. "You just did, honey."

 

Chapter Forty-Six

When we got home I called Cat. I knew she would want to hear a complete report. She invited me over to her house. We grabbed a couple of sodas and headed up to her room.

I told her everything that had happened. She shared my concern on the attitudes of the people towards my being transgendered.

"It's something that you are going to have to deal with the rest of your life. There are a lot of people out there who disapprove of what you are doing. Gender is just something that most people take for granted. When someone like you comes around and challenges their beliefs, it can hard to accept. Most will be indifferent, but there will be those who will take great joy in hurting you. I also agree with what you said about being sheltered. Our school and this community are the exceptions and it took us many years to get that way," explained Cat.

"I don't expect everyone to accept me, I just want to live my life in peace. Maybe I jumped into this too quickly, but once things started I just sort of rode it. I know that I've made mistakes and reacted instead of thinking things through. Am I rambling yet or am I still making sense?" I asked. I then took a long drink from my soda.

"Borderline rambling, but I understand what you are trying to say," replied Cat with a smile. "Would one of those regrets be Paul?"

I smiled back. "You'd better become a cop, it would be a shame to waste your talent for reading minds."

"It wasn't that hard, Erika," she replied.

"Oh, that makes me feel even better! Yes, I know now that I got way too involved with Paul, and it all happened too fast. I was so caught up with everything that was going on with Homecoming and with my emerging feelings that before I knew it I was in a relationship with him. I feel really guilty about hurting him."

"What were you feelings about him?" asked Cat.

"I'm not really sure. I never really felt attracted to guys before the competition. Then I met someone who saw me as a girl and wanted me to be his girlfriend. At first being with him felt good, but even before the assault I was having doubts. Mom had a talk with me about sex and I began to wonder," I answered, taking another sip of my soda.

"Well, I saw you two together and there was attraction, you can't deny that. I think what you are going through is very normal. You were raised as a boy and now, thanks to the contest, you have discovered your true self. As you adapt and adjust to becoming female you're going to have conflicts and self-doubts. I wouldn't worry about your sexuality right now. You may be bisexual, or you may like guys, or -who knows? - you might turn out to be a lesbian," explained Cat, with a smile.

"I guess you do have a personal insight into this after all," I said.

Cat punched me in the arm.

"While we are on the topic of dating and Paul, I need your help," asked Cat, "I think I found the right person for Paul. I talked to her about my idea and she is all for it!"

"Okay, so who are you talking about?" I asked. I knew that I was truly over him, but I really didn't like to see him sad.

"Caroline," she smiled. "It makes perfect sense. They obviously like each other a lot. I just don't think Paul knows it yet."

Cat was right. Caroline and Paul would make a great couple. Their chemistry was obvious to everyone, except Paul!

"Now, this is what I have planned. Paul and Laura are meeting us this evening for pizza. Caroline will arrive with us. Laura is going to let Paul drive, she told him her car is acting up. When it comes time to leave, we'll suggest that Caroline ride with Paul and that we give Laura a ride home. Then it's up to Mother Nature. What do you think?" asked Cat.

"And you got this plan from which sitcom?" I joked.

"Okay, it's a bit lame, but I think it will work," Cat stated confidently.

"I hope it does, it would be one less issue in my life."

I went home to grab a nap and agreed to meet Cat and Caroline at 5:00PM.

 

Chapter Forty-Seven

My best friend Cat has many virtues: she is intelligent, insightful, funny, and very thoughtful. She is, however, a lousy matchmaker. If I had to grade Cat on her plan to fix Paul and Caroline up, I would have to give her a C for planning and an F for execution. But since everything worked out, she does get a passing grade, but hopefully she'll never attempt it again.

I would like to be able to put everything down in detail as a chapter in my saga, but to this day I can't quite find the correct words to describe what happened. I tried to get everyone else's input, but that wasn't a big help. After talking to everyone involved, I am not even sure we were in the same restaurant. So, to avoid reopening old wounds and arguments I give you the condensed version of Cat's matchmaking.

Basically the plan began to fall apart as soon as we arrived. I'm not sure, but I think that Paul thought I was going with Caroline. It was all downhill from there. Then there were words spoken, even angrier words, insults, and a lot of crying. We also came close to being kicked out of Guido's.

Fortunately, everything worked out in the end. Everyone made up and the insults and accusations were withdrawn and forgotten about. I wasn't much help as I was crying my eyes out. Laura was the voice of reason and helped smooth many of the hurt feelings. Caroline and Paul left together and seemed to be hitting it off. We weren't even banished from the restaurant. We told them that we were rehearsing for a play! Laura and I were able to make Cat promise to never try this sort of thing again. Neither of us really believes she won't though.

Chapter Forty-Eight

Snow is highly overrated. Yes, it is beautiful, and I suppose it can be fun to play in, but when you have to wear a skirt and are just trying to get to school or work, it is awful. On the plus side, my personal discomfort was providing all sorts of entertainment for my friends. Even with the relaxed dress code, I still had to wear skirts or dresses twice a week and it was miserable.

I was kept busy between work and school and it suited me fine. I did see Caroline and Paul walking down the hall holding hands. That made me very happy. I made a point of telling them how good they looked together. I didn't want to lose them as friends.

On Tuesday I had my last weekly session with Jenny McCall. We decided that I'd see her once every other week for now. She was pleased that I had been accepted into the therapy group.

"Karen was impressed by the way you stood up to Dana and the others. Dana isn't a bad person; she is just carrying around a lot of anger and she is quick to vent on others. Dana really can help you, now that you've established diplomatic relations. I hope that you can get to know them all a bit," explained Jenny.

"The one thing that was good about their initial hostility was that it prepared me a bit more for the trial. I'll find out Thursday the date that it will start," I replied.

Jenny nodded. "I see, well as soon as you know, call me. I want to help you get ready."

"Thanks, I will."

We went on to discuss how I was getting along in school and with my friends. She also wanted to know how work was going. I told her that it was great. I also mentioned working with Cindy and that she was fast becoming a good friend. Jenny seemed pleased to hear that Cindy had taken me under her wing. I didn't press for any more information on what happened to Cindy. I figured she'd tell me if and when she wanted to.

Chapter Forty-Nine

Mom picked me up and treated me to dinner. Snow was falling lightly as we drove downtown to a little Italian place. She told me that things looked good for her to get a promotion.

"Wow, they must really like you!" I exclaimed. I was nibbling on a piece of garlic bread.

"If I get it. I'll have to start taking some classes over at the college. I dread going back to school after all these years," she grumbled.

"Didn't you like college?" I asked.

"I loved my classes, but there were other things going on that soured my memories."

I knew that we were entering touchy ground, but I decided to press a little. "Like what?" I asked.

She sat there for a while and didn't say a word. She then looked up at me and smiled softly. "I guess that I should tell you. I'm sure that you've figured out that you were born during my third year of college. Thanks to your grandparents, I was able to balance going to school and being a single mother. Please don't take this the wrong way. You are the best thing that has happened to me. I often think that you saved my life."

"What do you mean?" I asked, sensing I would finally be told something about my past.

She took a sip of her wine. "I am not proud of everything I did when in college. I was a bit wild and I made some mistakes. Dating the man who fathered you was one of them. Not because he got me pregnant, but because I was stupid enough to think that he would marry me."

"Who was he?" I asked.

"He was on the football team and he thought he was going to the pros. Having a pregnant girlfriend ruined his "All-American" image, so he dumped me. I guess that cosmic justice caught up with him, as he blew out his knee his senior year and never played again. The last I heard, he was selling insurance in LA," she explained

"Did he ever contact you?" I asked.

"No, not after you were born. I don't think he even tried, as far as I know he doesn't even know if he had a son or a daughter," she stated.

"He still wouldn't know," I wisecracked, trying to hide my smile.

That caused Mom to smile too. "Cute. Anyway, at first I was angry with him for abandoning us, then as I matured I realized that having you forced me to be more responsible. I came to love being a mom, so he does deserve some thanks."

I just sat there. I didn't think it was possible, but my opinion of Mom just went up some more.

After a long silence, Mom looked straight at me. "Do you want to know his name?"

I didn't need much time to respond. "No. I'm content with the truth. He doesn't mean anything to me, he only fathered me, you raised me."

"Thanks, honey," she said as she held my hand. I could see tears forming in her eyes.

"So, tell me more about the job!" I asked.

For the rest of dinner she told me about the position and the raise that would go with it. I was so happy for her.

Chapter Fifty

Thursday, Laura, Cat, and I traded work stories on the way to school. It was very cold that morning and I shivered as I waited for the heater to warm me up. Cat told us that when she went to the State Police Lab in the spring they would let her observe during an autopsy, if there were any going on.

"You mean you want to go to an actual autopsy?" asked Laura as she drove. "That's so gross!"

"Well, it will give me an idea if I can do this as a career. Actually, it's very fascinating," explained Cat.

"That's okay, you can keep your stories to yourself, I really don't want to hear them," reiterated Laura.

Cat and I looked at each other and we both smiled, as we knew we had something new to needle her about.

"Do you get to keep anything, you know, as a souvenir?" I asked, trying to get a rise out of Laura.

"You know, if I was the one wearing a skirt, and if I really hated the cold, and if I constantly whined about the cold, I wouldn't risk being tossed out of the car and being forced to walk the last quarter mile to school, when it is 24° F outside, by annoying the driver," interrupted Laura.

"Touché," I replied, as I redirected a heater vent.

Cat broke up laughing.

"I won't see you at lunch today. I have our group meeting with Ms. B," I announced.

"Do you need a lift home?" asked Laura.

"No, I have to go downtown with Mom. The DA wants to see us," I added. "Thanks for asking."

"Oh. Okay. Good luck," answered Laura.

"Thank you," I said. I'd be so glad when the whole trial thing was over.

At the meeting I noticed we were down to seventeen. As before, Caroline and I sat next to each other.

"I guess that isn't too bad. I thought we'd lose more," explained Caroline.

"So tell me, how are you and Paul doing?" I asked

"Really good thanks. We're taking it slow. I think we both learned something from our first relationships," she said. She then looked up at me, as if she'd said something wrong. "Oops. Erika, I didn't mean anything by that. I'm sorry."

I smiled at her. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Paul did nothing wrong. Remember, I was the one who broke it up. I am very happy for both of you."

"Is there anyone in your life right now?" she asked.

"No and that is fine. If something happens, well that's great, but I can survive without dating right now."

Just then Ms. B opened the meeting up. There were a few announcements and she then she threw out another question for us. "Okay, we'll go around the room and I want you to introduce yourself and tell us about your after-school job if you have one, or any school club you're involved with."

As before, we had some interesting answers. I was surprised that 12 of the 17 remaining candidates had jobs. As we went around the room, I could see how lucky I was. I easily had the best job, although a few were more interesting.

Denise, our Goth girl, was now playing drums in a local band. The other members of the band were all women, and their style was new age techno punk. She said that they were developing quite a following. She told us that they would be playing at an eighteen-and-under club nearby in a few weeks. Caroline and I whispered to each other that we would have to go see her play. I was trying to imagine what "new age techno punk" sounded like.

Debbie White worked as a volunteer at the hospital, where her mother worked as a nurse. Debbie was cute. She also got her hair cut at the same salon as I did. I remembered seeing her picture in there. Several other girls were waitresses and the rest had various sales jobs at the mall.

As we were dismissed, I asked Denise for a handout for her band. She seemed pleased that some of us would be there.

I waited around for everyone else to leave so I could talk to Ms. B.

"What's on your mind, Erika?" she asked.

"This afternoon, I find out the trial date, and I'm worried about what will happen here."

"Mrs. Lee and I have discussed it already. All contestants are legally minors, so we will turn down any requests by the press to interview any of you. We've survived controversy before this; and we'll weather this storm too. You just concentrate on yourself. And if there is some controversy, just remember it is not your fault; you did nothing wrong," she explained.

"Thanks. I'll let you know the date the trial tomorrow."

Mom was waiting for me after school. I was quiet the whole ride down.

By now the trip to the DA's office was very familiar. I said hi to his receptionist and sat down next to Mom. We were supposed to see Sam Warren, the DA, at 4:00PM but were still waiting at 4:30.

"Hi, Erika, I'm sorry I got delayed, please come back to my office. Glad to see you again, Jill," he apologized, as he looked at Mom and grinned.

We entered his office and sat down. "Jury selection for the trial will be the last week of January and we should be able to start the trial the following week. That is less than two months, but we will be ready," he announced.

"They really want this to go to trial?" asked Mom.

Sam nodded and took a file out of his briefcase and handed it to me. "Yes, it looks that way. I'm going to give you some homework, Erika. These are the rape laws and trial procedures. I want you read them and see that they are designed to protect you as much as possible."

"Will there be a quiz?" I asked.

Sam smiled slightly. "No, but the trial could be considered a final exam. I have also been in contact with Dr. McCall and Dr. Buford. I've worked with both of them on previous cases and they will be helping us to get you ready. After the holidays, we'll bring in a consultant who will act as the defense attorney. He knows all the tricks. He'll cross-examine you as if it was a real trial. He won't pull any punches, and it won't exactly be pleasant for you, but it will prepare you for the real thing."

"How much will the defense make of Erika being a transsexual?" asked Mom in a concerned voice.

It was a bit strange hearing Mom call me a transsexual.

"Actually, we expect it to be a huge part of their defense. It looks like they are going with the consensual sex defense and a form of gay rage defense, in that Jason snapped and beat Erika up when he discovered that Erika wasn't a 'real girl.' He claims that he only taped her up so he could get away," he explained. "They are going to portray Jason as the true victim in this case. They will probably round up a few so-called experts who will try to portray Erika as mentally ill or disturbed. But we are lining up our experts too."

I felt physically sick as Sam described their defense. I also knew that some people might actually believe it and I felt a shiver of fear run through my body.

"How can he lie like that? He KNEW I was a male back in September!" I exclaimed angrily.

"I know that, Erika. I fully plan on using that against them," replied Sam in a soothing manner.

"Sorry. I know that you're on my side," I apologized.

Sam smiled and nodded. "No need to apologize, Erika. I know how stressful this is for you."

I nodded slightly. The reality of the trial began to sink in. I cringed thinking how bad the trial might be.

Sam must have sensed my fear and turned to me. "Between your testimony, the physical evidence, and my expert witnesses, I will tear apart their defense," he reassured me. "I know you are scared, but I feel very confident about our case.

"I trust you," I answered, and tried to smile.

On the way home, I asked Mom if she believed what Sam had said.

"Yes, yes, I do. I've asked around and found out a few things about him. Sam used to be a detective in Philadelphia and while he was there he earned his law degree. He moved out here and became DA four years ago. He has prosecuted seventeen sexual felony assault cases since he has been here and has never lost one"

"Who told you all that?" I asked.

"Your group therapist. Karen and I talked last night, and she told me to have faith in Sam," confessed Mom. "She also told me that Sam has a very high standing in the LGBT community, so your being transsexual isn't an issue to him. In fact, Jenny says that he goes out of his way to ensure that victims like you get the best protection from the defense lawyers possible."

That made me feel better. I then turned and smiled. "Did she let you know if he was single?"

Mom laughed. "And what exactly do you mean by that, young lady?"

I laughed. "Mom, Sam obviously likes you. He can't do anything about it until the trial is over, but then I'll bet that he'll call and ask you out."

"Okay. I'll take you up on that. What do you want to wager?" asked Mom

"If I win, you let me buy a car," I offered. I had been saving up for a while but Mom refused to let me buy a car because she wanted it to go for college. But I figured that by winning the scholarship her arguments would be pointless.

"And if I win?" she asked.

"I'll cook dinner for the rest of the school year."

"Hmm, you seem pretty confident. Well, I accept."

I know we were both hoping that I was right.

 

Chapter Fifty-One

My second group session went a lot better than the first. First off, I wasn't the center of attention. I was just a contributor like everyone else. I could still feel a little uneasiness from some of the others, but I wasn't sure if it was residual from the previous week or just because I was new. I did notice that two of the women from the previous week weren't there.

Karen went around the table and asked each person how their week had gone and to share anything on their mind. Much of what was said was very personal so I won't include it here. After all, they have all moved on with their lives.

When it was my turn, I talked about the anxiety of the upcoming trial and the unwanted spotlight on my life. Several of the women in the group had had their cases prosecuted by Sam Warren, and they confirmed the information that Karen had given Mom. They confirmed that he takes these cases very personally.

"So, do you know the name of the weasel who is defending your attacker?" asked Dana

A woman named C.J. interrupted, "Excuse me, I object to the term weasel being applied to the defense lawyer. He is just doing his job," she said rather seriously. " Besides, I think it is an insult - to weasels that is!"

That caused a few laughs.

"I think his last name is Turner," I replied.

There was an audible silence in the room.

"Martin Turner?" asked Dana

"Yes, that's it. Have you heard of him?" I asked

The deafening silence returned to the room. I looked around and could see a lot of rage forming in some of their eyes.

"Yes, a few of us know him. He specializes in rape defense. He used to be in a big firm in Philadelphia, but they fired him and he ended up here. He works the entire area. I think he is trying to work his way back into the big leagues," murmured Dana. "He is an excellent lawyer and is a total SOB; he has absolutely no morals whatsoever,"

"Erika, I don't want to scare you, but he will be very tough on you. He has won acquittals in many of his cases. The good news in that Sam Warren has beaten him every time they have gone head to head," added C.J.

I nodded. "I see." That was good news.

"Look, Erika, you need to be prepared for a rough time. The good thing is that we will have you prepared and you will get through it," added Karen.

"I appreciate your honesty and the help," I stated. I tried to act brave, but on the inside I was a bowl of Jell-O.

Chapter Fifty-Two

Cat, Laura, and I were out driving towards Westerville, around one hour south of Golden Hill. The sky was clear, but it was still very cold. They had gotten tired of listening to me complain about the lack of good Mexican-American food in town. Laura said that there was a place in the mall. I told her that a national fast food chain taco shop wasn't considered good Mexican-American food. She called a me California snob, and I told her she could always put gravy on her carne asada. So, we were going to a place that Paul's sister had told me about

The drive took an hour, but no one seemed to mind as it gave us a chance to be together. Laura had been accepted at Penn State and was going to major in political science and Cat was looking for a school where she could major in criminal justice and minor in something related to forensics. And as for me, unless I won the scholarship, it looked like I would end up going to community college. Overall, it still meant that soon we would be split up, so we savored every moment together.

"You do have your budding career as an upscale women's clothing store salesgirl to fall back on," added Cat.

"It's salesperson, not salesgirl, thank you very much! Besides, you might be right. If I do go to school locally, I'll have a good job," I replied.

I told them all about Mel and how she had worked for Mrs. Lincoln since high school and that she had held her job through college.

"She adjusts Mel's work schedule to match her classes and ensures that she has time off during exams or when a paper is due. Cindy told me that Mrs. Lincoln has also provided financial support," I added

"Still, you should have a plan in place if you win the scholarship," remarked Cat.

"Actually, I think I'll be taking a year off before I go to college," I announced.

"Why?" asked Laura

"Well, unlike you two, I haven't decided what I want to do. If I go to school locally, I can always transfer later on, "I continued.

"What else?" asked Cat.

"Well, there will be the whole transition thing: hormones, name change, and so on," I replied

"You are sure about this?" asked Laura. I could sense her concern.

"Yes, even with everything that has gone on, I can see things very clearly," I stated confidently.

"That's great! I am so happy for you," exclaimed Laura.

"When can you start the hormones?" asked Cat.

"Ms. B suggests that I wait until the spring," I replied.

"Why the wait?" asked Laura, "That doesn't seem fair."

"Something about making sure that I am truly committed to the change. They are making us wait around six months from the time we told them," I added.

"So, Caroline will have a head start on you," remarked Cat.

"Yes, I am a little envious of her," I answered with a smile.

"Just like real life," smiled Laura, "I remember being envious of the girls who began to change before me."

"Well, it looks like you've caught up and passed them," quipped Cat.

Laura had a great figure and a really nice pair of breasts, and she knew it. We all broke out in laughter.

We easily found the restaurant and I was very impressed with their menu, everything looked very good. It was a family run place and they had moved here from Northern Mexico. Everything was made there, including their tortillas. Cat and Laura agreed it was worth the drive and much better than the taco place.

I told them about Denise and her band. Laura was instantly interested in going, she said it would be a lot of fun.

"So what about you, Cat?" I asked.

"Sorry, I am working that night," she explained

"I didn't tell you the night."

"Doesn't matter. I am sure I'll be working, or studying, or getting root canal surgery, or something like that."

"Sounds like Cat doesn't like the music," added Laura with a smile.

"I hate punk rock, I don't like techno music, and I can barely tolerate new age music. So, I am positive that a combination of the three would cause my eardrums to implode," explained Cat with a smile.

"Well, I want to go with you Erika," announced Laura. "I think it'll be fun."

"Sounds good," I answered.

Laura smiled at me. "But since we'll be going to a club, you'll have to let me do your makeup and your hair! I'll make you hot!"

Cat smiled at us and shook her head.

"You know, Erika, you and I are about the same dress size, I have a dress that will be perfect for you," added Laura with a big smile.

"I'll need a little padding in the front," I quipped.

"Not for much longer, my dear," laughed Laura.

"She has been dying to get her hands on you, and do a makeover, Erika, so you might as well surrender now," laughed Cat.

"Don't listen to her! It'll be a blast," smiled Laura.

 

Chapter Fifty-Three

We finished up our feast and headed back to Golden Hill. As we drove home I thought about the afternoon, it was the perfect balance to the stress caused by the assault and the pending trial. Laura dropped us off and Cat and I went into my house.

"How was the meal, girls?" asked Mom.

"Great! You'd like it a lot; we'll have to go there together sometime. I had forgotten how good real Mexican food was."

"What did you think, Cat?" asked Mom.

"She's right, it was worth the trip," Cat replied.

We grabbed a couple of sodas and headed up to my room. Cat looked at the banner that I had hung up above my bed.

"I am still amazed that we were able to get so many people to sign that in such a short period of time. We didn't expect you to be in school on Monday, we thought that we'd get a whole day at school to get it all signed, and so we had to rush around Sunday evening," explained Cat.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, I promised not to tell you, but I think you'd want to know. After you told us you were planning on going to school on Monday, we quickly got the paper and set it up in Guido's and then started calling around. It sort of took on a life of its own after that. Kristen and Tracey took it to school early Monday and got the rest of the school to sign it before you got to school. Mrs. Lee saw what they were doing and made an announcement on the PA. She also passed the word to the staff to expect late arrivals during first period. Promise me you'll never tell anyone that I told you this!" revealed Cat.

"I promise!" I exclaimed. The value of the banner had just become priceless. It remains one of my most valued possessions to this very day.

"I just wanted you to know that you have a lot of good friends that will be there to support you," explained Cat.

"I know that. But there are people that signed this that I don't even know. I didn't think I was that popular," I stated.

Cat laughed. "They signed it because they wanted to show their support for you. Remember, I told you that our students are protective of girls like you. What happened to you shocked and stunned everyone."

"If I ever start feeling sorry for myself, please remind me to look at this work of art," I remarked. I had to wipe away a tear.

"Agreed! Now that we've gotten this 'Hallmark Moment' out of the way I need to talk to you about something," said Cat, as she sat on my bed.

I joined her. "What's up?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Laura really likes you," stated Cat.

I nodded. "I thought so."

"I think that you two would be a great couple, and I don't mind one bit if you two go out. It won't have any bearing on our friendship," explained Cat.

"So, is this why you aren't joining us when we go to the club next week?" I asked.

Cat shook her head with a smile. "No, I was serious about hating the music. Look, Erika, don't rush into anything if you don't feel up to it. Laura knows that you are still a little fragile."

"Has she talked to you about me?" I asked

"No comment," replied a straight-faced Cat, "Let me just say that she knows that I have no problem with you two going out."

I thought about it for a moment. I remembered what Laura had said to me back when she first starting dating Cat. I'd asked her if she still liked boys and she'd told me that she liked " boys like you."

"Can I ask you something?" I asked

"Sure, go ahead," replied Cat

"How does Laura see me?" I asked

"She obviously knows that you are still male, but she only knows Erika. She also knows that you want to be a female. I think she is attracted to that," answered Cat.

"How does this fit into the contest?" I asked.

"The rules don't forbid contestants from dating girls. It just doesn't happen all that often."

"Why not?"

"Well, to be honest, it is more a problem for the girls than the contestants. They want a boyfriend who will act and dress like a boy. They don't want a girlfriend. Some are afraid of being labeled a "lesbian." The girls who are lesbian don't want a boyfriend, or a pseudo-girlfriend. Not everyone is as liberated and open-minded as Laura and I," she explained.

"So, you are saying that the boys who date the contestants are more open-minded in their views on gender and sexuality?"

"You just opened a whole new topic. Yes, some of the guys are like Paul and they have enough confidence in themselves to date someone based on feelings of attraction, not the rules of society. Others do it because it's something daring. Then there are the guys who are gay, but closeted."

"How far into the closet can they be if they are openly dating a contestant?"

Cat smiled. "A lot! You still see the school social environment with new eyes. For those of us raised around it, we accept certain things and ignore others. No one considers it "gay" if a guy dates a contestant. It is never questioned. It's nice because it allows gays to avoid the harassment that happens in other schools."

"True, my old school was pretty liberal, but the gay students caught a lot of grief," I reminisced.

"Now, again this didn't happen overnight. Our senior class has been raised with these beliefs, so no one really questions what is going on at school as far as the contest is concerned. Hopefully this education in acceptance will spread to areas outside the competition and will stick with us when we go out into the world," continued Cat.

Maybe this is the true reason for the contest in the first place, I thought to myself.

Chapter Fifty-Four

I was getting more responsibilities at work. I spent a lot of time behind the counter and running the register where I was amazed by how much money some people spent there. Cindy told me that December was always their best month, largely due to holiday parties. Some women would spend a bundle on an outfit just for one party.

There were lots of little things that had to be done daily at the store. One thing that I could do only during the day was empty the trash. There was a long back hallway that ran behind all the stores, at the end of the hall was the exit that led to the dumpster. It was a long hallway and the sound echoed as you walked down it, especially if you were wearing heels. It was a bit creepy during the day, at night it was frightening, at least to me. I had tried to do it the first week of work and almost had a panic attack. I guess I was carrying around more baggage from the assault than I thought. Cindy and Mel both completely understood, even if I didn't.

I was determined to do this and Sundays were a good time to practice. I tried to pretend it was night. I felt good when I was able to walk down and dump the trash without feeling too edgy.

While I was walking back, the idiots in the next store decided to play a joke on me. The shop next to us was a leather shop. They had all sorts of really nice jackets. I'd been looking at a cute black leather jacket for the past few weeks. Anyway, as I walked back to our door one of the salesmen jumped out from their store and grabbed me from behind. I completely freaked out. I starting screaming and began kicking backward into his shin and stamping his foot with my heel. He let go, and I turned around and hit him several times, including a solid hit on his nose! Several other people came running to see what was happening.

Needless to say, I was angry and shaken, and he also was really pissed off. I'm not sure what made him most angry, but the fact that I'd given him a bloody nose may have been it. He was yelling at me and calling me all sorts of names. I was yelling right back at him. Cindy came out of our store and told me to go in, that she would handle this.

I needed a minute to calm down before I was able to rejoin Mel out in the store. I told her what had happened. I described the guy who I'd hit.

"Those morons. They are always doing stunts like that to the new employees," she exclaimed. "I went to school with a couple of them. Did you really give Cliff a bloody nose?"

"Yes, I guess I overreacted a little," I replied, a bit sheepishly. I was a bit embarrassed by it all and I worried that I might lose my job.

"No, you didn't. I only wish I could have seen it!" she replied, with a big smile on her face. "You really punched him in the nose?"

I nodded

"Good! Maybe they'll start acting their ages now!" She had a big smile on her face.

Then I saw Cindy come back in. She motioned me to meet her in the back.

"I know what happened and, after I talked to them, they felt really bad and extremely sorry that they'd pulled their dim-witted stunt on you. It has been so long since we've had a new employee that I forgot about their pranks. Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes. I'm sorry to cause any problems," I answered.

"You have nothing to apologize, for Erika," she reiterated.

I went back to work and put it behind me. Cindy put me to work putting together gift boxes in the backroom. After an hour of assembling various sized boxes, I was called back into the store.

Standing at the front counter was the guy I had hit. He was standing there with a sheepish look on his face. He was good looking, even with the slightly swollen nose. He was tall, around 6-2, and had short brown hair, a moustache, and goatee, and blue eyes.

"Hi, I'm Cliff. I really want to apologize for what happened. They told me what happened to you last month, so I can fully understand your reaction. I'm really sorry," he apologized

I nodded. "Thanks, apology accepted. How is your nose?"

He reached up and touched it. "Sore. By the way you've got a good right! Oh, I almost forgot, the guys and I got you this. Our way of saying we're sorry."

He handed me a bag. Inside was a small gift basket from the gourmet food shop. I could see all sorts of exotic goodies in it, "Thank you very much. You didn't have to do this," I replied.

"Yes, he did," interrupted Mel, looking into the bag

He turned around and smiled at Mel. I noticed she didn't return it. He turned and looked at me and shrugged his shoulders and then winked at me, "Well, nice meeting you under better circumstances. If you ever need anything, please let me know."

I watched him leave. I looked over at Mel and she was smiling.

"Always good to put men in their place, every now and then. So, let's see what's in the basket," Mel added.

"You like him?" I asked

"Who Cliff? He was an immature oaf in high school and he hasn't changed one bit, and the answer is yes. But don't you dare tell him that!" she said with a big smile.

I decided to put the contents of the basket back in our break area. We still had an hour until closing and I spent the rest of the time helping Mel set up a new display of seasonal items - mostly stuff like scarves and gloves and a few hats. Cindy told me that these were big sellers, often on impulse due to the temperature outside.

Just before we closed, Cat came in.

"Hi, Erika, you need a lift home?" she asked.

"That would be cool. You don't mind waiting?" I answered

"No, not at all,"

I introduced her to Cindy and Mel.

It took around half an hour to finish up after the store closed. Cindy checked the receipts and then always put the cash drawer in the back. Mel and I cleaned up and wiped down the front counter. Then we had to go change and get back into our own clothes. This was my favorite time of the day, as I was free of my heels, although I was getting more used to them.

On the way home, I told Cat about what had happened.

"You really punched him?" she asked

"Yes, several times. I feel bad about it now, but at the time I was so angry at him," I replied

"Did he tell you his last name?" asked Cat.

"No, just his first name. Why?" I asked.

"He's Kristen's older brother. I can't wait to tell her!" Cat informed me.

"Please don't, he said he was sorry," I pleaded

"Don't worry, he'll probably tell her before we do!"

Chapter Fifty-Five

The next week of school flew by. I was kept very busy, as it seemed every teacher was trying to get in everything possible in the weeks before the holiday break. Work was also starting to get more hectic as we were fully into the party season. I was really looking forward to the weekend, specifically Saturday night. That would be the night that Laura, Caroline, and I were going to the club to see Denise play. Their band was called "The Downfall of Humanity." Yes, it was a dumb name, but they seemed to like it. Paul dropped out, claiming a sudden attack of musical appreciation.

The only other thing of note that week was another meeting with the DA. As before, Mom took me down to see him. I kidded her about the bet. It was a pretty routine meeting to update us on what was happening. He wanted to inform us that the third set of DNA tests confirmed what the first two showed.

I then told him what my support group had said about Martin Turner.

"I wouldn't expect them to have a high opinion of him. Martin has made a lot of enemies through his courtroom tactics. He tries to justify his actions by claiming that he is trying to protect his client, but I think he does it to satisfy his own ego," he stated bluntly.

"Did you know him when you were in Philadelphia?" I asked.

"I thought your friend Cat wanted to be the detective?" he said with a smile. "Yes, I knew him there. When I was on the force I testified against several of his clients. He was much worse then. He has become more refined and far more dangerous."

"So, what happened?" asked Mom.

He smiled at her; "He tried to refute my testimony during cross-examination and was failing miserably. He kept pressing on a specific point until he was told to stop by the judge. I could tell that he was about to lose his temper, so when he looked over at me I just smiled at him. He snapped and totally lost his temper. He just started ranting and raving, and he was taken out and held in contempt of court. He ended up being fired after that. But he won't make that mistake again."

"Do you think he's working up this way so he can beat you?" asked Mom

Sam nodded. "Most likely, but he would deny it. What he does not realize is that I know his tricks. I can prepare my case and my witnesses to nullify his strengths. He is an excellent lawyer, but he has been taking cases that he has no chance of winning just to get a shot at me. The problem in this case is that the defendant is just as delusional. Our case against them is very strong and their defense has many holes in it. But they want to go through with it, even though juries will probably give a harsher penalty that what has been offered."

"If Jason did plead guilty today, how long would he be in jail?" I asked.

"If he was well behaved and stayed out of trouble, he would still serve at least twenty years," he explained. "But I doubt he will stay out of trouble; he has a bad temper and a big mouth, a really bad combination."

"Only twenty years?" I queried. "I would have thought he'd get more years."

"His age and the fact that he is a first time offender will be in his favor during sentencing," explained Sam.

He walked us out to the lobby. I excused myself to use the restroom. I really didn't have to go, I just wanted to give them some time together.

As we drove home, Mom brought up my sudden departure.

"Are you trying to hedge your bet?" she asked

"I have no idea of what you are talking about. I merely had to go to the bathroom. My, you are suspicious!" I stated as I protested my innocence.

"To be honest, I don't mind if I lose this bet, the consolation prize would be very nice," she smiled.

Chapter Fifty-Six

Caroline and I arrived at Laura's house around 7:30PM. Laura said she wanted time to work on me before we went to the club. Caroline was already ready to go. Her aunt had done her makeup, and she was wearing a very hot looking red dress.

I put myself completely into Laura's hands. She made my eyes much more dramatic than I had ever seen them. She told me that, due to the lighting in the club, my makeup would have to be a bit heavier and more extreme. I wasn't sure if I believed her, but it sounded logical. She finished my makeup and then she brushed my hair out and used a styling gel to finish the effect. When I saw myself, I almost didn't recognize my own face.

She told me that the dress was hanging up in the bathroom. It was a very slinky black dress. It was also slightly low cut. She had a push-up bra sitting out on the counter with a note stating, "Try Me!" on it." I was impressed by the fact that, once I had it on, I looked like I actually had breasts. I was very excited by my new look. It wasn't a way I wanted to look all the time, but it was fun getting dressed up.

Laura had changed while I was in the bathroom. She was also in red and her dress was very similar to the one I was wearing. Before we left for the club, Laura's mom took pictures of us.

We all piled in Laura's car. It only took ten minutes to get to the club. That night there were three other bands playing besides "The Downfall of Humanity." We saw a lot of people from school. I had heard of this place but this was my first time here. The man who ran it ensured that only eighteen and younger got in. Additionally he was strict about drugs and underage drinking. He also owned several other clubs in the area that were for adults, including several in the college area.

Laura made sure that we walked around and that everyone saw us. She was having a lot of fun. I was too. It felt really good to do something silly and fun.

We sat down with some friends from school. The first band was playing mostly '80s and '90s dance music. From what we could tell, Denise and her band would be the next band that night. Much to my initial annoyance, I was asked to dance by a guy from school. My dancing skills were no better now than back at Homecoming. Luckily, it was dark and the dance floor was very crowded.

I have to admit it - I was starting to enjoy dancing. Laura walked over and took my hand and led me out to the dance floor. Now as you know, girls can dance together in clubs and most people don't even look twice at them. But a blind man could have seen that there was something growing between Laura and me. Fortunately it wasn't a slow dance, but even dancing apart there was a deep sense of attraction. We got many knowing looks when we walked back to our seats.

Caroline leaned over and whispered, "Don't take this the wrong way, but watching you and Laura out there was very hot!"

I immediately felt my face blushing. Thankfully, it was too dark for anyone to see. I was feeling very confused. I would have killed to have a girl like Laura when I was back in San Diego. But now I viewed her so differently. Oh, I was attracted to her, but it felt different. I didn't feel turned on like I had when I had been Eric. Now it was different. Yes, even now I find it hard to describe, but it did feel very good.

Another cool thing about the club was the variety of kids there. There were people there dressed in many styles ranging from very causal to very dressed up. We sat and waited while they got the stage set for Downfall. They came out and took the stage and then they started into their first song.

Let me say that I give them a lot of credit for getting up there and playing. I also must admit that they seemed to have their fans. However, their music was very bad, and I don't mean bad in the good sense.

Caroline leaned over and shouted, "They're better than her old band!"

I should also point out that they were also very loud. Actually loud wasn't a good enough description. Deafening might be a better choice of words.

When they finished, we were trying to come up with words to describe them.

"I think they are missing something," noted Laura.

"Talent?" wisecracked Caroline.

Laura and I laughed. "No, I think they should stick with one style of music," I remarked.

"Which style?" asked Caroline

"Probably punk would fit them best," decided Laura.

I nodded in agreement.

"Here comes Denise, quick, think up some lies!" smiled Caroline

"Hi everyone. I really appreciate you coming tonight," Denise thanked us. "So, what do you think?"

There was a long pause. No one wanted to go first. Actually, no one wanted to say anything. I looked at Laura and then Caroline. I guess that it was up to me.

"You want some constructive criticism, Denise?" I asked.

"Always," she stated, sitting down next to us.

"Your style is a little too exotic for your audience. I think you should go with something a bit more traditional," I explained. "Maybe just punk, for example."

"So we should play the classics? Like the Ramones or the Sex Pistols, groups like that? That might be a good idea," nodded Denise. "Thanks a lot for being honest. I've always liked that about you. I'll run your idea by the rest of the group. Thanks for coming!"

"You know the other day you were saying that you didn't know what you wanted to do?" queried Laura.

"Yes. What about it?" I asked.

"Try politics. That was very impressive, you basically told her that the band was awful and she thanked you!" replied Laura.

We all started laughing.

At least The Downfall wasn't the worst band of the evening. The third band tried to be hard rock. The problem was that they couldn't play together and the lead singer kept forgetting the lyrics. It was so bad that the crowd began to yell the words out to him.

At least the last band could play. The music was similar to the first group and did all cover music of popular songs. At least people could dance to it. I danced a few more dances before Laura monopolized me for the rest of the night. I know we were getting the same amount of stares, but I noticed them less. I particularly enjoyed the last slow dance with her..

A bunch of us decided to meet at a local 24-hour diner. We arrived in several cars and piled into a couple of booths. Everyone was in a great mood. We had less than two full weeks of school left until the break. Only eight school days total. People were sharing their holiday plans. Some were heading out of town and some were having family visit from far away. A few people asked me if I was looking forward to my first white Christmas. I laughed and told them that I preferred the green ones back in San Diego, but I would survive.

Chapter Fifty-Seven

As we drove back to Laura's house, Caroline suggested that Laura should drive me home, as it would be faster. Besides, she said that she lived in the opposite direction. I think she just wanted to let Laura drive me home alone!

I was going to go change but Laura suggested that I just wear the dress home. She said that my mom would like to see me dressed. So she went in quickly and got my stuff. I stayed in the car and turned up the heater.

"Whoa, how cold are you?" It's like an oven in here," quipped Laura, as she got back in the car. She turned it down a bit.

"This dress isn't exactly made for cold weather," I explained

"I think it's perfect. Just like you," replied Laura softly.

On the drive over I could tell that Laura wanted to say something. I decided to wait. We pulled into my driveway and she stopped the car and put it in park. She turned and looked at me.

She reached up and brushed my hair back from my face. "I think you know how I feel about you, Erika. I truly love you. But I know that you may not be ready for this. I don't want to push you. But I want you to know that I will be here for you."

I felt her hand slip to my cheek. I closed by eyes and felt a slight tremble. It wasn't from cold or fear. Rather it was one of those pleasure waves that run through your body when it is experiencing something wonderful.

"I want to be with you too," I answered. "But, I do need to take it slow. I don't want this to burn out quickly."

With those words she leaned over and gently kissed me. She pulled me closer and held me tight. Now I had kissed girls before, but this was different. First off, it was strange not being the aggressor. Laura had taken charge and for some reason this felt very nice. Second, the kissing itself was different. It was more mutual. I felt very much at ease and things became very clear.

She stopped and sat back. "Well?" she asked with a smile.

I felt myself blushing from excitement. "That was very nice."

Laura smiled. "I will go with your desires and we'll go slowly. I know that you're going through a lot right now, and that the thing I want to do is to make your life more complicated."

I laughed. "Too late. But it is a nice sort of complication. I just don't know if I am ready to get back into a relationship,"

"One of the things I love about you, Erika, is your honesty," she added.

"Thanks. I have one question and please don't take this the wrong way. How much of your attraction for me is the fact that I am going through this transition?" I asked.

From the look on her face, I could tell that my question wasn't exactly a surprise. "I was expecting that one. I admit that I find what you are going through very intriguing, and I can't wait until you go on hormones and to see your true body grow. But my attraction is for you. I love this beautiful girl sitting next to me. I love your personality and your sense of humor. I want to be with you, Erika, no matter what form your body is."

"Thank you. I'd better get inside. I had a great night!"

Laura leaned over and kissed me again. I closed my eyes and returned her passion. I felt myself trembling from excitement as we kissed.

"Goodnight, sweetie," she cooed. "I'll wait until you get inside before I leave."

"Thanks, I appreciate that. Good night," I replied. I hesitated with my next response. "I love you." I felt myself blushing again.

"I love you too," she replied. "By the way, you're really cute when you blush!"

I grabbed my clothes and closed her car door. I walked up to my house and gave her one last look before I went inside. My life had just taken another interesting turn.

 

Chapter Fifty-Eight

Mom was waiting for me as I got in from going to the club.

"Oh, my, you look great!" exclaimed Mom

"Thanks, I had a lot of fun," I stated as I set down my stuff.

"I can tell!" smiled Mom. "Whoever she was, I like the color of her lipstick."

"Ooops!" I exclaimed as I looked in the mirror and saw Laura's lipstick on my cheeks. "I forgot about that. It's Laura's."

"I see. I take it this was more than just a friendly little kiss. Don't get me wrong Honey, I am not judging you, I just want you to be happy," stated Mom.

"Thanks, Mom!"

"So, do you want tea or hot chocolate?" asked Mom, knowing that we would be staying up for a while.

"I'll take tea please," I replied

We spent an hour or so talking about it. Mom was very understanding. She told me that she expected me to be flexible in my sexuality. She said that Laura would always be welcome in our house. She then asked me how we would be received in school.

"Most of the kids don't seem to care. Laura may get more grief than I do. She did say that she got a note in her locker calling her a dyke, but considering they spelled it D-I-K-E, she didn't really worry about it. You know, I could be one of the first students ever to be called both faggot and dyke in the same school year!" I quipped

We both laughed about that.

"How do you think her parents will feel about you?"

"Good question. They did warm up slightly to Cat when Laura was dating her, so who knows?"

I went to bed with a lot of questions, but also with a sense of security in knowing that my mom and friends would support me.

Chapter Fifty-Nine

The next couple of weeks were a complete blur. School was busy, work was busy, and my private life was busy. I'll talk about school first.

As I stated earlier, my teachers seemed to be trying to get as much work crammed into our schedule as was possible. My biggest project was my Civics paper. Mr. Kline, my teacher, liked my rough draft. He had me stay after school one afternoon so he could read it and provide constructive criticism.

"Well written paper, but you need to pay closer attention to your grammar and spelling. I recommend that you have someone edit it for you," he suggested. He was sitting on the edge of his desk, drinking a cup of coffee.

"Thanks, I thought I had caught them all. It does bother me when I miss the mistakes, sometimes my mind is running in a faster gear than my typing," I explained. Unfortunately, I still have that problem; some things never change!

"What's new on the trial front?" he said.

I told him about the trial date being set and the issues with the defense lawyer. I appreciated that he treated me like an adult when we talked about the trial.

"Unfortunately, that is one of the necessary evils of having a fair legal system. You must allow the defendant to have a fair trial and any restrictions on them could sway things too far in favor of the prosecution," he quipped.

We both laughed slightly.

"I understand the need for a fair system. That doesn't make it any easier when I have to be subjected to a public verbal assault," I stated angrily.

"If you feel up to it I'd like you to address next semester's Civics class. Your insight into the workings of our legal system would be an interesting lecture," he offered

"You want me to teach a class?" I asked. I was stunned by his request.

"Sure, why not?" he continued. "Think about it, you don't have to make up your mind now. But I think you'd like doing it."

He'd definitely given me something to think about.

Work was going really good - too good. We were swamped and during our shift we barely had time to think, let alone take a break. I think my breaking in period was more to get my feet used to heels than anything else! I was getting a nice paycheck and it allowed me to get my shopping done without having to borrow from Mom. I did some of my shopping at the store, thanks to my employee discount. Cindy said that we should be getting a great bonus this year.

The guys in the leather goods shop were really nice to me and they had also become very protective of me. They often walked me out to the parking lot at the end of the day. I was pleased that they watched over me, as I was still a bit uneasy about being alone at night.

One more thing, Mel had started going out with Cliff. They were so different, but they seemed to get along great.

My group meetings were going well. I looked forward to my weekly group session. The initial hostility was a thing of the past. Dana had really taken to me and told me that, if I wanted, she would be in the court during the trial. I sort of looked at her as a role model. I decided that I wouldn't become as bitter and angry was she had become. It was a shame because that Dana could be such a nice and caring person, but she was carrying around so much anger and hostility. I felt sorry for her, as deep down I suspected that she wanted to get rid of her rage. I thanked her but told her that it wouldn't be necessary. Karen and I had a long talk about it and she agreed that I had done the right thing.

Then there was my social life. First off, Paul and Caroline were really becoming close. They went everywhere together. We were still good friends and my having dated him wasn't an issue.

Laura and I were slowly getting closer. This was due more to my being so busy as anything. I knew that I was falling deeply in love with her and that I was also getting comfortable with her taking the more dominant role in the relationship.

Chapter Sixty

The last day of school before the break was a rather eventful day. We had an impromptu meeting with Ms. B, as she wanted to talk to all of us about the contest and the holidays. She hinted at some sort of reward for everyone who stayed in and reminded us to follow the rules. After the meeting I stayed around to talk to her.

"I hope you have a good break Erika. I have really enjoyed having you in the competition this year," she complimented.

"It's been interesting, to say the least. I want to give you this," I stated, as I handed her a package.

She took the gift and smiled back at me. "You shouldn't have, Erika! Do you want me to open it now?"

"Yes, please," I replied. "It isn't much, but you have meant a lot to me and I wanted to give you something."

Ms. B opened the box and took out a charcoal gray scarf. "It's very lovely. This is very thoughtful!"

She gave me a long hug.

The rest of the school day was a lot of fun. Most of the teachers accepted the fact that no one wanted to be there and we didn't do a lot. The only class that I did any work in was Home Economics and all we did was make cookies. We made a lot for the scavengers who hung outside the door on the days we cooked. Mrs. Roberts didn't mind as long as they didn't disrupt the class. I looked over and saw Alex peeking in. I picked up a plate of sugar cookies and took them out to him. When I stepped out into the hallway to talk to Alex, I naturally found Mike with him.

"What class are you guys skipping right now?" I asked.

"Shhhh! Actually, if you give us a few extra we can bribe Mr. Grant and not get into trouble," begged Mike, with a smile.

"Here, take the whole plate. Have a great holiday!" I exclaimed

Mike took the plate and then gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. Alex did the same and they took off back to math class.

I walked back into class with a big smile on my face.

"So who was out there today?" asked Mrs. Roberts.

"Just my guardian angels," I told her.

I had to hurry home as Mrs. Lincoln had asked me to work early that week. I had to be in at 4:30 instead of 6:00, but I really didn't mind. I rushed home to shower and change. I had just finished getting dressed when Mom came home.

"Hi, honey, do you need a ride to work?" she asked.

"Yes, please! You're home early, is everything OK?"

"It's perfect. They let us out early today because of the holidays," she answered. "I also got the promotion!"

I ran over to her and gave her a big hug. "That is so cool. I am so happy for you!"

On the way to work, she told me all about it. She would have to take a few classes at the college, but they were paying for them. It also meant a big pay raise. It was the perfect present!

For the first hour of our shift we worked with the day people. The only one I knew was the seamstress, Rita, whom I had met during Homecoming. She was working longer hours for the holidays and often could get a dress altered immediately, depending on the customer. Certain customers got extra special treatment from Mrs. Lincoln. I know what you are thinking, but it wasn't because they were rich or had just spent a lot of money in the store. Some customers just ended up on Mrs. Lincoln's "A" list and were treated extra special.

I carried the trash out by myself that night. It was the first time that I done it alone without feeling really frightened. It was a small step, but at least I was moving forward.

The mall stayed open until 10:00, and we had customers in the store until almost 10:30. Mrs. Lincoln's policy was that you never turn a customer away. Fortunately, they all spent a lot of money so it was worth it.

It took longer to close down the store. Mel and I spent almost 40 minutes straightening up the stacks of clothes. It was almost 11:30 before we had changed and were ready to go home. I was impressed that Mrs. Lincoln was there the whole time. Before we left, she called us over and handed each of us an envelope.

"Now, here are your bonuses. I want to thank each of you for getting through another hectic holiday season, but don't forget that we still have the New Year to deal with."

I didn't expect that much of a bonus as I had only been there for a few weeks. Still it was the thought that counted. I was stunned to see a check for $500.00.

"This must be a mistake, Mrs. Lincoln," I explained.

"Excuse, me young lady, but I never make mistakes," she replied sternly. "You have worked very hard since you got here and I want to make sure that you stay with us. However, I want you to put some of that away for college."

"Thank you so much," I replied. I then gave her a hug.

"Have a wonderful Christmas, but don't forget I will need you all in for the New Year's Eve rush," she added.

Cindy drove me home and we talked a little about Mrs. Lincoln , the store and the holidays. We gave each other a big hug as she dropped me off at home.

As I walked up the sidewalk, I noticed how still everything was. There were a few inches of snow on the ground and the sky was clear and totally free of clouds. The air was cold and clean. I hesitated before going inside. I looked up at the stars. The sky was filled with them and they looked so close. I was snapped out of my trance by Cindy who was waiting for me to go in.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"Yes, everything is fine. Happy Holidays!" I waved goodnight and I entered the house.

Mom was waiting for me by the front door, "What's up?" she asked. "I heard Cindy's car pull up and I didn't hear you come in, so I got a little concerned."

"I'm fine. I was just taking in the beautiful night. I no longer feel afraid of the dark."

"That's wonderful, honey," she exclaimed, and we hugged. I knew she was more worried about me than she let on.

It was amazing, the fear that had gripped me when I was outside at night had just vanished. I can't explain it but it was like a big weight had been taken off my shoulders.

Chapter Sixty-One

I won't go into Christmas other than to say that we all had a wonderful time. I'd rather focus on New Year's Eve and the party at Kristen's. I probably should have devoted more time earlier describing Kristen Carr. She was the head cheerleader and probably the most popular girl in school. Additionally, she was dating the star quarterback. She's blonde, beautiful, friendly and intelligent. This combination could be very dangerous in most other people; the potential to be a totally stuck up conceited bitch was very high. However, Kristen is a genuinely nice person. She was friendly and social with most students on campus, and I am proud to consider her one of my closest friends.

While we didn't socialize a lot, due to our conflicting schedules, we'd become great friends. She sat next to me in Ecology and we'd ended up as lab partners. We did a big project together on endangered species. We put together a PowerPoint presentation. We focused on captive breeding programs in the US. It was a big success. The class especially liked the list of websites that had live web cams showing mothers and their young. We'd got lucky as the San Diego Zoo had a web cam on their new baby chimpanzee and her mom. We ended up with the top grade in the class.

When I was elected to the Homecoming court I'd been a bit worried that Kristen might be upset with me being on the court. I couldn't have been more wrong. I later found out that she had campaigned for me to be on her court and had told a few irate parents that she would boycott Homecoming if I were excluded.

She didn't even mind the fact that her boyfriend was protective of me. In fact, she encouraged him to do so. Then of course, she was one of the leaders of the group that created the banner for me. I know that today some people question if she is really that nice. I can testify that it isn't just hype from a PR man.

Kristen was also really cool about the incident with her brother Cliff. He'd felt even worse once he found out that I was a friend of his sister's. She told me that she thought it was really funny that I had given him a bloody nose

Anyway, the big New Year's Eve party would be at her family's house. Alex suggested that they could hold it in the barn, but the lack of heat killed that idea. Kristen also wanted it to be a dress up party. She wanted a classy event that we would remember the rest of our lives, not a drunken party.

Cat, Laura, and I decided to go all out for the party. We made an appointment at the salon to get our hair and nails done on Dec. 30^th. Laura was a bit wary at going to a different place, but Cat convinced her it would be okay. As we had our nails done she commented on how nice this place was.

"They are much better than the place I've been going to. Why didn't you tell me about this place earlier?" she asked.

"We did!" replied Cat and I in unison.

On our way out Laura noticed my photo in their gallery, "Well! I didn't know I was in the presence of a celebrity!" she said with a laugh.

The evening of the party we all met at Laura's house. She insisted on doing our makeup. Cat was a little apprehensive about it. She didn't care for the overdone look she had seen in the pictures from the night we went to the club. But Laura promised to tone it down a notch. She did a great job on both of us, and while she finished her own makeup Cat and I changed.

When Mrs. Lincoln had heard me talking about the party, she'd insisted that she provide me with a dress. She loaned me a very beautiful and very expensive black, sleeveless dress. I was initially afraid to even try it on, but she insisted. Cindy had told me that Mrs. Lincoln saw her employees as the daughters she'd never had, so it was pointless to argue with her. I had to admit that I really loved the way I looked in the dress.

I hadn't shown it to Cat and Laura, as I wanted to surprise them. They both looked stunned and slightly envious when they first saw me in it. Mom had helped me pick out my jewelry and shoes. I was wearing four-inch heels and had a simple gold chain around my neck and small gold hoop earrings.

Cat smiled at my appearance. "Erika, I can't believe how great you look."

I looked over at Laura and she was just staring at me.

"Well?" I replied as I posed for Laura.

"You look good enough to eat," quipped Laura.

"Save it for later you two. Don't make me have to hose you both down!" joked Cat.

Both Cat and Laura looked great. Cat was also in black, while Laura was dressed in red. We had a lot of fun posing for photos taken by Laura's mom.

 

(continued)

  

  

  

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