The Scholarship

by

Julie O.

 

Chapter Twenty-Four

We arrived home, and as I walked slowly towards the house I looked at the place where I'd been attacked. There was still a wrapping of yellow police tape surrounding the area.

"How long will that be there?" I asked.

Mom took my hand and led me into the house. "I'll call the police about it when we get in."

I started feeling really tired, and once we were inside I told everyone that I wanted to take a nap. At the same time I didn't want to be alone, so I crashed on the couch.

When I woke up, it was dark outside. I felt really dopey from the pain pills and it took me a few seconds to clear my head. There was some momentary panic, and I thought I was alone. Then I heard voices from the kitchen and it reassured me. Jenny was right, my friends and family were an asset.

"Hi, guys. What time is it?" I asked, as I shuffled into the kitchen. My mind was foggy and I wondered if it was still Saturday.

"It's only 6:30 in the evening. How do you feel?" asked Mom.

I looked around and saw Cat, Terri, Laura, and Paul sitting there looking at me. "Better."

"Are you hungry? We were about to send out for some pizza," said Mom.

"Sounds good. I actually feel hungry, I guess that's a good sign," I said as I took a seat next to Cat. I realized that I hadn't eaten all day.

"Yes, it is," agreed Terri.

Cat went and called out for the pizza. A minute later the phone rang.

"I'll bet they are checking to see if we really just ordered three pizzas," quipped Paul.

Cat answered it. "Walters residence, may I help you? Yes, just a moment. It's the police," said Cat, handing the phone to Mom.

"This is Ms. Walters," said Mom. She listened for what seemed like hours. "Well, thank you very much, I'll tell her immediately. Thank you very much."

"Well?" I asked nervously.

"They got him," she announced softly, as she put her hand on my shoulder.

There was total silence. All I could do was let out a long sigh of relief.

"Thank God," exclaimed Terri.

"Was it Jason?" I asked.

"Yes. He was arrested up in New York. They think he was heading to Buffalo and then Canada. They found evidence in his van that ties him to the crime. In addition, the three numbers you saw matched up with his plate."

"Good," I sighed. One less worry to deal with. I'd been so afraid that he would come back.

"They said that there will be a news conference on TV around 7:00PM. They wanted us to know so we weren't caught by surprise," explained Mom.

"Well, put the TV on. I have no problem watching it," I remarked. I suddenly felt really hungry.

The pizzas arrived shortly before the news conference started.

My jaw still hurt, but I was willing to put up with the discomfort, as I was famished and the pizza was excellent.

"There's a police car sitting out front," Paul informed us.

I looked over at Mom. I wondered what was wrong.

"It's okay. He's there in case the media break their rules and try to bug us," explained Mom. The press said they had an agreement that they wouldn't try to interview or videotape any rape victim, especially one who was only 17. But with the potential scandal aspect of this case, there was a chance that they might violate their own rules.

"Should I take him some pizza?" asked Paul.

"I'll take it to him, I want to thank every policeman I see," I announced.

Paul walked down with me. The cold air felt very good for a change. He joked that if I fell, he could be Lassie and run for help. As we approached, the officer rolled down his window.

"We thought you might be hungry, and I want to thank all of you," I stated as I handed him some pizza and a coke.

"You're welcome. We're glad we got him. So, you hanging in there?" he asked.

"Doing better, thanks. Take care."

When we got inside, the press conference still hadn't started. Laura was just hanging up the phone. "Your mom said it was okay to start putting the word out."

"Hey, you're just doing your job, you're my press secretary. I really appreciate everyone's concern, and I'll lean on you guys when I need some help."

"It's starting," announced Cat.

Major crimes in our town were rare, and my rape had quickly become big news. The police chief read a prepared statement concerning the arrest of Jason Martin, age 19. Charges were being prepared and they planned to charge him with rape, kidnapping, and felonious assault. Additionally, they'd found drugs in his van. He was being transported back to Golden Hill and was expected to be held without bail.

"He'll be locked up for a long time," stated Terri to no one in particular.

He then opened it up for questions. Thankfully, they didn't mention my name. My status in the contest was brought up, and whether it would make a difference in the charges. The police chief said absolutely not. He went on to say that this was a violent crime that deserved to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, regardless of the circumstances of the victim. He also stressed that the press should respect my privacy.

"It's really strange listening to someone describing you in such vague terms," said Cat.

"I know," I replied.

I was starting to feel a bit sleepy again. The pain pills not only killed the pain but also really made me sleepy.

I woke up the next morning on the couch. I felt a bit more refreshed and not as sore. I got up and saw Mom asleep in a chair. I put a blanket over her. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 5:00 AM. I went upstairs and took a shower. I did my best to keep my stitches dry. It made shampooing my hair very difficult. The swelling was down a little around my eye, and I could see slightly out of it. The colors around my eye were even more varied. My nose was still very sore. I was also developing two impressive black eyes.

I still had a little bit of bleeding – well, how do I put this politely? – from my butt. The doctor had said that there might be a little bit of bleeding on and off for a few days. I laughed a little, thinking that I now had a reason to wear pads. I looked at myself in the mirror and stared. I decided right then that I would get through this. I would not give the bastard the pleasure of knowing he'd hurt me.

I stepped into my room and got dressed. I put on a bra and panties. I slipped in my boobs. I put on a gray Wolfhound t-shirt and then my team sweats. I wanted comfort clothes right now. I logged onto my computer and checked my e-mail. There were over 200 new messages. It was a little overwhelming, and I had to hold back the tears.

I went downstairs and put the kettle on the stove and turned on the burner. I checked on Mom and she was still asleep. I put in a teabag, English breakfast, and some sugar in my mug and poured the hot water. I wrote a note telling Mom I was upstairs. I added some milk to my tea, and then I picked it up and walked to the stairs. I did a quick check on the front door lock. It was still locked. I noticed that it was the third time that morning that I'd checked the lock.

I went into my room and started to read my mail. I was amazed by the concern. I had mail from students, staff, and friends in town and even some who I had no idea of who they were. I went through each one and at least replied with a thank-you, even if I didn't know them that well.

I gave more detailed responses to close friends. I wrote a long response to Caroline. I also told her that I wanted to ask her some questions sometime about her decision. I saw a message from Coach Chambers, and I told her I was sitting in my sweats right now and how safe and secure I felt in them. There was also a message from Ms. B. I wrote a very lengthy response to her. I even told her about Jenny.

After an hour, I was through about a third of the mail. I was interrupted by knocking at my door.

"Honey, is everything okay?" asked Mom.

"Yes, come on in." I went back to typing.

"Honey, you need to unlock the door," she explained.

I got up and opened the door. "Sorry, I didn't realize I'd locked it,"

"That's okay. That's a common reaction. How're you feeling this morning?"

"Better, thanks. I'm going through my mail. I'm kind of blown away by the response. I don't even know some of them. By the way, did you get an address for the truck driver who found me? I want to send him a thank you note."

"I'll get it for you. I think that's a wonderful idea. I'd love to thank him myself."

"Thanks."

She pulled up a chair and sat next to me. "I talked to Mrs. Lee yesterday, she says that you can stay home as long as you need to. They'll bring your assignments."

"Well, if it's okay with you, I'd like to get right back to school. I need to stay busy. I know that the first day back will be a little overwhelming, but I have to do it."

"I see. Let's play it by ear then. We'll see how you feel later today. So, do you feel like eating?"

"Sure, pancakes would really hit the spot," I replied with a smile.

"Okay, I'm going to a grab a shower and get dressed first. I'll call you when they're ready. Do you want me to lock your door on the way out?"

"Not necessary, but thanks for asking."

I worked on responding to my mail. I then wrote one to Paul. I asked him for a favor. Around thirty minutes later, I got his response. He wrote that it was a great idea and it would be ready later in the afternoon. He said he'd bring it by around 5:00 PM. He also told me that his family wished me the best.

I went downstairs and found Mom preparing breakfast. I looked out the front door and saw that the paper was on the front step. I didn't see the police, but then I didn't see any news vans. I opened up the front door and picked up the paper. I was pleased to see that the little yellow fence was gone. I closed and locked the door.

In the local section, Jason's arrest was the top story. I read the article even though it brought back a lot of bad memories. I was sticking to my plan of not running away from this.

"Get this, the article says that Jason's lawyer claims that it was consensual and that Jason didn't know my true gender until after the act. The assault was just a normal response from a shocked young man. He also claims that Jason was the true victim. You don't think that anyone will believe this bull?"

"His lawyer will have to try something, but you have the truth on your side. Plus, the very fact that he attacked you once before kind of makes his whole argument moot," remarked Mom.

"If he's hoping that I'll be intimidated then he's highly mistaken!" I could feel my rage growing.

"That's exactly what I was hoping you'd say."

Chapter Twenty-Five

Breakfast was excellent and it really hit the spot. It also calmed me down. I felt almost normal. I helped Mom to clean up.

"I have something to tell you. I want you to know that the events of this weekend just helped me accept that it's the right decision. I want to stay as Erika. I want to be a girl." There, I'd said it. I looked at Mom and tried to gauge her reaction.

"I've been waiting for this for several weeks. I've suspected that you've been struggling with this for a while. I fully support your decision, and I'll be here for you." Mom leaned over and gave me a long gentle hug.

"I'll just go through the rest of the year like Caroline. I don't see any reason to make this public yet. Besides, everyone treats me like a girl anyway."

"Are you going to tell anyone else?" asked Mom.

"I'll tell Cat and Terri, but I don't think they'll be surprised. I'll also tell Paul, Laura, and Caroline. But again, I think they may have known before I did."

"What about Ms. Bell?" asked Mom.

"Yes, I owe her that," I said.

I spent the rest of the day grabbing naps and answering mail. The physical pain was decreasing. I told Mom about the favor I'd asked of Paul. She thought it was funny, appropriate, and consistent with my personality.

Terri and Cat made lasagna for dinner and brought it over. There was enough for a small army. Luckily, Laura and Paul showed up. Paul slipped me a bag and I took it upstairs and inspected it. It was just what I wanted.

"So, what's the big secret?" asked Laura.

"I want to save it for tomorrow," I said.

"You're not serious about going back to school tomorrow, are you?" asked Terri.

"I'm planning on it. I need to be around people. If I stay home, I'll have too much time to think. I want to stay busy."

"Yes, but can you make it through the day?" asked a concerned Laura.

"I don't know, but I want to try," I answered firmly.

Laura looked at me as if I was crazy. "I don't agree with your logic, but I'll be there for you."

"So will I," added Cat.

"Me, too!" stated Paul.

The dinner was great. Jenny was right, my friends and family were a great source of strength.

After dinner, I told them all that I was going to stay Erika. The responses were interesting. They all supported my decision and didn't seem that surprised. Cat and Terri were like "what's the big deal?" Laura was giddy and so happy for me. Paul looked very content and pleased with my decision.

We made plans for tomorrow. Laura and Paul would meet us here and we'd all ride in together.

I walked Paul to the door. "So, I take it you approve of my decision to stay as Erika?"

He glanced back at the kitchen, then he gently kissed me on my swollen lips. "I was so afraid I had lost you. Yes, I'm very happy," he said. "Well, get some sleep; it'll be a long day."

We kissed one last time.

"So, I guess you'll be going to school without any makeup tomorrow," added Laura.

I smiled a little. It was still a bit painful. "I doubt if even those makeup artists from homecoming could cover all this up." The bruises were spreading out, and the whole right side of my face was multicolored and still a bit swollen. I was also bruised beneath my left eye.

"You do have a rather unique look," added Cat.

"There's also a part of me that wants everyone to see this. Especially after the crap that bastard's lawyer is putting out. I want everyone in school to see me and to tell their parents and friends," I said angrily. I felt tears forming in my eyes

"I see that we still have a little anger issue," stated Cat with a smile. She handed me the box of tissues.

"You'd better have a few of those with you tomorrow," suggested Laura.

"You mean tissues? I plan to," I replied.

"Actually I was thinking that you should have several boxes with you!" joked Laura.

They left a few minutes later. I felt so lucky to have them for friends

Mom suggested that I take a long hot bath before going to bed. I followed her advice and she was right, it really relaxed me. As I lay there, I reflected on the weekend and the highs and lows. I decided that overall the good outweighed the bad.

 

Chapter Twenty-Six

I had a little trouble getting out of bed and even more trouble waking up. Maybe I was pushing this too soon. No, I knew I had to do this. My multicolored face in the mirror greeted me in the mirror. The swelling was down, and I could see out of both eyes completely for the first time since my attack. I also saw my raccoon eyes. I had two very black eyes. The doctor had said that some of the bruises might come in delayed. After showering, I got dressed. I put on one of my long denim skirts and my long black boots. I put on my bra and slipped in my boobs. I thought about starting hormones in a few months and it gave me a smile. I slipped on a top, then I put on the sweatshirt that Paul had made me. I liked it.

"You up for this, dear? I can take the day off if necessary," asked Mom.

"I'd rather you save your days off for something fun. Thanks, but I feel good enough to get through this." I appreciated her concern, but I just had to go to school. I wanted to show everyone that Jason hadn't crushed me.

"Alright, honey, but you have my number; call me if you change your mind." Mom then leaned over and kissed me.

There was a knock at the front door

"That should be Cat!" I walked over to the door and looked out the peephole. I was right, it was Cat. I unlocked the door and let her in.

"Good morning," she greeted as she walked in. "Oh, I love your makeup, but why did you stop with the right side?"

"I ran out of makeup."

She nodded approvingly at my sweatshirt. "You plan on wearing that all day?" she asked, laughing.

"Yep!" I turned around so she could see the back.

Cat laughed even louder. "I approve 100 percent."

We saw Laura pull up in the driveway. Paul was with her.

"Bye, Mom." She gave me a long gentle hug.

The last time I'd felt this nervous was the first day of school back in August. But this was different. I had to go to school today. I wanted to prove to everyone, and especially myself, that I wasn't a weak, vulnerable victim.

"You ready to do this?" asked Laura, as she put her arm around my shoulders.

"Yes, let's go!" I replied.

As I stated earlier, major crimes in Golden Hill were rare. The fact that one had involved a high school student was big news, and I was sure everyone had heard what had happened to me.

I was slightly overwhelmed by the stares as I walked to homeroom. I could feel every eye on me, and I could almost feel it as they pointed at me. I got to my locker and took off my coat and grabbed my books and put them in my bag. As I walked down the hall, their eyes were drawn to my shirt. I could see their stares turn to smiles. I saw them nod at me and some gave me the thumbs up. I could hear some laughs as they read the back.

Laura came up and read my shirt and smiled. "Leave it you to make a joke out of this. I'm so proud of you," she said as she hugged me.

The sweatshirt stated in large red letters, "I FEEL MUCH BETTER, THANK YOU!" and on the back it said, "I FEEL BETTER THAN I LOOK!"

I reached homeroom and waited outside until Cat and Paul caught up.

"How're you holding up?" asked Cat.

I could hear the concern in her voice. "Okay. My emotions are pretty loose right now. Well, let's get it over with!"

We walked in and all heads turned to me. I sat down next to Cat. I was a little surprised by their reactions. I didn't expect them to be silent. I was about to tell them that it was okay to talk to me when Mr. Grant asked the whole class to step out into the hall. I joined the line out and he pulled me out.

"Miss Walters, I need you to sit here for a minute," stated Mr. Grant.

He stood between door and me. There was a knock and he looked at me and smiled. "Okay, would you follow me, please?"

Out in the hallway there was a mass of humanity. It looked like the entire senior class and much of the staff. They then stepped aside and revealed a large banner taped to the lockers. It was nearly five feet long, and there were flowers forming a border. It was filled with messages of encouragement and best wishes from the students and staff. I completely lost it. But at least this time they were tears of joy and not fear, anger, or hatred.

Laura and Cat handed me tissues. I tried in vain to regain control of my emotions.

"I can't express what this means to me. This is unbelievable. Thank you all so much. I also want to thank those who spent Friday night and early Saturday morning in the Golden Hill Hospital waiting room. It really gave me a boost when I heard you were there. I was told that one of my assets that would help me through this was my friends; and I know that I can count on every one of you, just as you can always count on me. Thank you!"

They then swamped me. Luckily Cat, Paul, and Laura were there to protect me. I was still a little fragile physically, and I didn't want to get crushed.

Paul and Laura rolled up the banner for me and I put it in my locker. I was twenty minutes late for English, but then again so was every other senior.

Chapter Twenty-Six

By lunch, I was near total exhaustion, but I was determined to make it through the whole day. Actually I only had one more class. I'd been excused from PE for the next few weeks. Coach Chambers had arranged for me to work for Ms. B in the front office. It would also allow me to talk to her.

Ms. B. was very understanding and saw that I was beat. She let me just sit and relax.

"I like your sweatshirt, was that your idea?" she asked.

"Yes." I then went into my reasons for wanting to be in school today.

"I fully understand, but remember that you're only human. Don't push yourself too hard. I'd hate to see you come crashing down."

I then told her about my decision to stay as Erika.

She smiled and told me she was happy that I'd discovered the real me. She said she'd known weeks ago. "I wouldn't worry about telling your friends; from the response today, I'd say that everyone has pretty much accepted you as Erika."

"You know, I'd like to be able to tell one person who didn't know this before me," I stated in mock anger.

"Erika, I've been observing students like you for several years. Now that you have come forward, I can let you in on a little secret, but you must not tell anyone. Do you promise?" she asked.

"Absolutely. I swear not to tell anyone," I said.

"Well, I don't run this program entirely by myself. There are other teachers and staff who assist and who provide me with reports. We're not just looking for violations, but we're also looking for girls like you. We know that there are boys entering the competition whose true nature comes out once they are involved, and some may be entering because they have a conflict with their gender. Part of my job is to help them in their transition and make it as smooth as possible, but we do not directly contact them until they come to us. We're not recruiting anyone. We watch, we observe, and we try to protect."

"Was I the first to get raped?" I asked.

"Yes, and hopefully the last. There was no way to foresee that Jason Martin was so deranged. I hope that you don't hold that against us?" she asked.

I shook my head. "The only person I blame is in jail. So, is finding and helping people like me the main reason for the contest?

"No, it's kind of a fringe benefit. I'll let you know more about the main reasons later."

I was fighting to stay awake, and I guess that she noticed as I tried to hold in a yawn.

"Erika, you look exhausted. Let me drive you home. I'll get word to your friends."

I offered no argument. She was right; I was totally burned out. I really needed to sleep. I also wanted to read the banner, but sleep won out. Actually, I fell asleep in her car going home. I stumbled towards the house and waved goodbye. I was happy to see that she waited until I was in the house before driving away. I went into the family room and crashed on the couch.

Mom woke me up for dinner. We just warmed up some of the leftover lasagna. I showed her the banner and told her how it was presented to me.

"No one will tell me who instigated it, but maybe that's for the best." I had already picked a place in my room to hang it.

A few minutes later, Mom told me that the DA had called and wanted to know if I could stop by for some more questions. Without any hesitation I said yes.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

We went in on Tuesday afternoon after school. I wore a dress, pantyhose, and high heels. I still didn't bother with makeup. Even though the swelling was down, in some ways I looked worse. My black eyes complemented the rest of my bruises quite nicely. My other reason for not using makeup was that I wanted the DA to see what Jason had done to me.

After we arrived, a female officer took Mom and me into an interrogation room. The officer explained that it's the DA's official policy that whenever a male is questioning a woman, a female officer must be present.

I felt good knowing that the DA was treating me as a woman, even though he knew that I was physically male.

The DA was very nice. He was the same one who had prosecuted the case against Jason's mother. His name was Sam Warren. He told me that he really appreciated my help. Because of my age, he was hesitant about me taking the stand at trial, and he wanted to avoid the necessity of my having to testify before the grand jury if at all possible. I told him that I wanted to ensure that Jason was put away for a long time.

Sam explained what would happen.

"Erika, this session will be videotaped and will be used in the grand jury hearing. That is when I'll present evidence concerning your case. The grand jury will then decide if there is sufficient evidence to indict Jason. It's a legal formality, and I want to reassure you that we have a very strong case," explained Sam.

"What happens next?" I asked.

"If they decide to indict Jason, he will be arraigned before a judge, and he'll be officially notified of the charges against him. He will then be allowed to enter a plea, if he desires," continued Sam.

"Where will this happen?" I asked.

"In an open courtroom."

"Do I have to be there?" I asked.

"No, that's not required."

"Will the video be enough, or will she have to testify before the grand jury?" asked Mom.

"The video should be enough. We have a lot of physical evidence to support the charges," stated Sam. "Again, let me reassure you that we have a very strong case."

"Let's do it," I stated.

Sam nodded. "Ms. Walters, you may stay here, but I need you to sit behind Erika and not speak to her while I'm questioning her. We don't want the defense to think that you coached Erika."

"I understand," replied Mom. She stood up and sat down next to the policewoman.

"You ready, Erika?" asked Sam.

I nodded.

The video camera was turned on and he swore me in. I gave my full male name, but Sam addressed me as Erika. I truly appreciated that!

He said that they were building a very strong case against Jason. He asked me if I was sure about the mole on his stomach. I told him that I was and that it was to the right of his bellybutton. I also described the size and shape.

"Is that to the right from your point of view, or to his own right?" asked Sam.

"Oh! From my point of view as I was looking at him. I was hoping it was cancerous as I stared at it," I added.

He smirked slightly at my comment and then he showed me a photo of Jason's stomach. There was the mole, just as I'd remembered it.

He then asked me what was the other main thing I remembered about him. I replied that it was his chipped right front tooth.

He asked me to describe it in as much detail as possible. I closed my eyes and tried to picture it.

"It's chipped on the outside corner of his right front tooth. It's smooth and looks like it happened a while ago."

He took out several pictures of front teeth and asked me if I recognized any of them. I focused in on one right away. I picked it up and stared at it.

"This is it," I answered positively.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positively. I focused on it while he was cursing me out and after each time he hit me."

He turned the photo over and stated, "The witness has identified photo B, which is the photo taken of suspect Jason Martin," he said. He turned off the camera and then he looked at the mirror on the wall and smiled.

I looked at the mirror and asked who was behind there. He smiled and said no one anymore. He said that one of his assistants and also the lawyer for the defendant had been back there.

"I'm hoping he'll go back to his client and recommend that he plead guilty. I wanted him to see how tough you will be on the stand and that it would be a grave mistake to try to discredit you. Once we get the DNA evidence processed, it will be a grand slam."

"Good. So do you think that they'll want to go to trial?" I asked

"That is what I'd advise. They might offer a plea bargain, but I doubt it. But the defendant is a psycho. I think he'll go to trial just for the attention and the hope that his lawyer can discredit you. We'll get a better idea of their plans at the arraignment. I must warn you that rape trials are very trying on the victim. What you read in the paper is just a taste of what they will try. But I will be there for you. You won't be alone."

"I'll still do it. You can tell his lawyer that I am not backing down. Jason tried to humiliate and break me and he failed."

"Good. We'll stay in contact. I don't expect to go to trial until spring. I'm fighting to keep him locked up until then," he added. "His attempted flight to Canada makes it fairly likely that the judge will not grant him bail."

"Thank you very much."

Mom's cell phone began to ring and she excused herself. I stayed and talked to Sam until she returned. I figured it was someone from work calling her.

I was very quiet on the way home.

"Penny for your thoughts, honey?" asked Mom

"I was just thinking that I won't get peace until he's convicted. I also think that he's going to try to humiliate me, but I can't let him win."

"I just got some good news from the hospital, your lab tests all came back clean. They do want to repeat them again in a few weeks, just to be positive, but it looks good. We still have to go in Friday to get your sutures removed."

I let out a long sigh. "That's a relief. I just want to get back to school. I want my biggest worry to be the championship game and getting good grades." But deep down I knew that it wouldn't be that simple.

 

Chapter Twenty-Eight

I continued to try to put the assault behind me. On the outside my bruises were fading, but inside I was still in turmoil – not enough to stop me from functioning, but it was always there.

Thankfully, the upcoming football game on Saturday served as a much needed distraction. We were playing the Crawford Mudlarks for the championship. The game was being played at the local college. Their stadium held 20,000, and from what I'd heard the game would be a sellout. The game was being touted as the biggest game in years. I fully planned to be there. Laura had arranged for tickets for the entire Pit.

On Thursday, I talked with Caroline during photography class. I asked her if she wanted to get together after school. I wanted to tell her about my decision to remain as Erika, and I didn't want to "out" her in class accidentally. Instead we talked about the cartoons that she and Paul wrote together. They were always current and often hilarious. No one was sacred, but they didn't allow it to get mean-spirited. I was very happy to see her get the recognition from her peers that she deserved.

She said that she'd love to get together and that she'd stop by my house around 4:00.

She smiled at me. "I think I know what you want to talk about."

I smiled back. Just once, I'd like to be able to find someone who hadn't figured this out before me, I thought.

I caught a ride home with Paul. He was on his way to his job with the local paper. I was pleased that he waited until I was inside the house before he drove off. I was a bit skittish about my security. Mom said that it was a normal response; still, I planned to talk to my counselor, Jenny McCall, tomorrow afternoon. Before my session, I first had to go to the doctor and have the sutures near my right eyebrow removed. I hoped that the doctor was right and that the scar wouldn't be too noticeable.

Caroline arrived a little after 4:00 and we went into the kitchen. I was drinking a cup of hot tea and I offered her some.

"That's okay, do you have something cold?" asked Caroline.

I looked in the fridge and ran through the inventory. She decided on a Diet Coke.

"So, tell me all about your decision!" she stated.

"You aren't even going to let me try to surprise you?" I responded.

"Nope!" she said, sipping her soda.

I smiled. "Well, I'd been thinking more and more about it in the past few weeks. For all practical purposes, I knew that I was Erika and to return to my past life would be difficult. I was getting ready to tell my mom when the attack happened," I paused for a moment. I felt myself choking up a bit, and my eyes were feeling moist. I felt Caroline's hand holding mine. I looked up and smiled at her. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize. You need to let it out occasionally," comforted Caroline.

I grabbed a tissue and wiped my tears. "Thanks. Anyway, the attack just reaffirmed my decision. I definitely know that this is my path in life. I talked with Ms. B and she was very helpful and supportive."

We talked for another hour and then she had to take off. I walked her to the door and waved good-bye. I watched her drive off and then I closed and locked the front door.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I had a major dose of conflicting emotions on Friday. I was excited about the game and the pep rally that was taking place during fifth and sixth periods. However, there was the dose of reality of having to see the doctor and then to see Jenny, my therapist and counselor.

I swung by the competition display cases and saw that we were down to eighteen contestants. I scanned the faces. I soon realized that I only knew a few of them. There were a few that I didn't even know their names. I then got a brainstorm and walked over to Ms. B's office. She totally agreed with me that the remaining members of the group were not very close. She liked my idea of us having a weekly group meeting and that she would schedule one next week.

"We tried it a few years ago and it didn't work, but this year looks different. Usually we're in single digits by now, but since we have such a big group I think it will work. Thank you, Erika."

In Civics we got the great news that we had to submit our topic for our research paper on Monday. I really liked our teacher. His name was Mr. Kline, and he was sort of an aging hippie. I think he was in his late fifties, and he still wore his hair in a long gray ponytail and usually wore jeans and t-shirts. He really tried to get us to expand our minds and to make us form actual opinions.

I walked up to him after class. "Excuse me, Mr. Kline, I was wondering if I could do my paper on the judicial system? Specifically, I want to focus on the process that the state uses from the crime to the actual trial."

He looked at me and smiled. "Hmmm, I wonder why you want to do that?" he stated in a slightly sarcastic tone. "Yes, Erica, that would be an excellent topic for you. Now tell me, what's your opinion on the way your case has been handled?"

Another thing I liked about Mr. Kline was that he treated us like adults. "I'm impressed with the DA, Mr. Warren. He seems very concerned with my rights and feelings."

"Has he told you about the way defense lawyers treat rape victims?" he asked in a concerned manner.

"Yes. He told me that they would prepare me when we get closer to trial. He's hoping that the other side offers a deal, but he isn't too optimistic."

"Well, I have some contacts with a few victims' rights groups, and I'll let them know about your situation. They might be able to provide some help. They have some excellent experts that your DA might be interested in using. I know this will be very difficult for you. Feel free to drop in anytime you need to talk."

"Thank you. I truly appreciate your concern."

I thought that it hadn't been a bad day so far. It was also nice that it didn't hurt as much to smile.

The pep rally was awesome. We all piled into the gym. The band was playing so loud that you could actually feel it. I waved to Kristen and Tracey. I saw that Rachael was back. She'd been at the State Championships and had been out of town since Saturday. She had placed second overall, and they were going to honor her during the pep rally. I saw she was waving at me, and I got out of my seat and walked down to her.

"Erika, I was so shocked when I heard what happened," she greeted me as she carefully hugged me.

"Your taking second place gave me a lift."

"That reminds me, I want to show you this." She opened up her bag and showed me her shoes. She had written my initials on her shoes. "I did this to honor you at the meet. I think it gave me luck."

"Thank you." I started to wipe my eyes. Rachael was also crying. We then both started laughing. We hugged and I went back to my seat. It was still a pretty good day.

Chapter Thirty

After the pep rally, I rode with Mom to the hospital. The doctor was pleased to see me. He examined my face and seemed happy with my progress. He took out the sutures and put a new bandage on it. He also asked me about some other issues. I told him that I hadn't had any bleeding since Monday morning. He then told me that the test results on Jason had also come back negative. He went into his desk and pulled out some information on plastic surgery and he handed it to Mom. Personally, I didn't think my nose looked that bad.

We then stopped at Jenny's office. It was located in a small medical complex near the hospital. The receptionist had me take a seat and fill out a form. I only had to wait a few minutes before I was taken back to see Jenny.

She was more dressed up than the last time I'd seen her. She was wearing a gray skirt, a white blouse, and a black blazer.

"So, tell me how you feel and remember, you don't have to hold back and give an answer you think that I want to hear," she asked with a smile.

"Thanks, actually I'm doing okay, as long as I'm with other people, or when I'm really busy. Being alone, or just having free time to think is pretty tough. As tired as I was all week, I'm glad I went to school."

She had me tell her all about the past few days and what was going through my mind. It was nice to have someone I could talk to who I could be totally open with. We even talked about my initial contact with the DA. She also told me to set aside time to relax.

"Will it be as bad as he said it will when I'm cross-examined?" I asked.

"No, it could be much worse. I know the lawyer defending Jason. He can be very brutal. He will bring up any detail that might make the jury think that you brought this on yourself. He has already shown his hand a bit, and your being a transsexual will be a major issue," stated Jenny. She saw my surprise at her calling me a transsexual. "Jean Bell is a very old and dear friend. She called me and we discussed your situation at great length. She obviously thinks a lot of you. I hope you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind, in fact it makes me feel a bit better."

"Anyway, you can expect to be dragged through the mud. His actions will be like a second assault. I understand the legal concept of fighting for your client; I don't understand the cruel way in which it is often done. That's why many rape victims won't even report the crime or take the stand, even when it means the attacker will get off."

"I will be ready. I want to see him locked up for as long as legally possible."

"Good. You will have a chance to make a victim's statement at the end of the trial. It can be your chance to tell him what you think. Let's continue this next week at the same time; is that good for you?"

I nodded. "Yes, that sounds good. Thank you, again!"

Chapter Thirty-One

I met Mom outside in the waiting area and we made the next appointment. As we drove home, I talked to her about my session.

"You don't have to talk about this unless you want to, honey."

"I don't mind and it helps me to express my thoughts. You can even pretend to listen if you want."

"Sounds good. I'll nod occasionally and say something like yes or hmmmm or okay. I'll just pretend I'm you when I'm lecturing you on something."

I broke out in laughter. It felt good.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was a phone message from a Mrs. Lincoln for you this afternoon. She wants you to call her back. She was wondering if you'd be interested in working for her as a salesgirl in one of her shops. So, who is she?"

I smiled thinking about the best way to describe Mrs. Lincoln. "She was the woman who provided the gowns for Homecoming. She is unique. She dresses and speaks very formally and everything is perfect. She comes off as being a bit of a snob, but she's really very sweet."

"Do you think that you might want to work for her? It could be a great opportunity."

"Well, I do have free time, now that cross-country is over. Coach has asked me to go out for track, but that won't be until spring. I'd rather be doing something other than just sit around. I just wonder if she'd want me as a salesgirl now, being I look rather gruesome."

"You do not look gruesome, and the bruises are fading. I think you should call her."

When we got home, I found the message and called her. "Good evening, Mrs. Lincoln, this is Erika Walters and I'm returning your call."

"Erika, oh yes, thank you for being so prompt. I would like to hire you as a salesgirl for my store at the Golden Hill Mall. I believe that is only a mile away from your home. I would need you three days a week, 6:00-9:00PM, and Sunday afternoon 12:00-5:00PM. You will be required to be well dressed and well groomed. I will see to the clothing. I provide all my employees with outfits to model during their shifts. I would like you to start Monday. I need to get you trained before the holiday rush starts."

I was caught off-guard by her offer. From the sound of it, she had already made up her mind.

"It sounds great, but I don't think that I am presently qualified." Before I could finish she interrupted me.

"Nonsense. I saw the way you handled yourself at that school event of yours. You can more than handle the position I am offering you."

"It's not that. I don't know if you heard, but I was attacked this past weekend and I got beat up really badly. I'm afraid I'd frighten your customers."

"Nonsense, child. I will be at the Golden Hill store for another hour. You come down here and we'll talk. I expect to see you soon. Good-bye."

I hung up the phone and shook my head. I told Mom what she'd said and I asked her for the keys to the car.

"You up to going by yourself? Why don't I join you? We can grab dinner down there afterwards."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Okay." But I was relieved to have her come along.

 

Chapter Thirty-Two

I changed before going over. I put on a nicer skirt and sweater. I also put on my favorite black boots. I figured she'd take one look at my face and come up with some polite excuse. I tried to estimate how long it would take for them to all fade away. Anyway, it would it be a few weeks at least.

On the way over, Mom asked me if I was nervous about seeing Mrs. Lincoln.

"No, I was just thinking about the attack. I am so angry that he took away my freedom and left me with fear."

"You'll get your confidence back; it will take time, and it is all part of the healing process."

We walked into the mall and over to Mrs. Lincoln's store. We agreed to meet in an hour by the Chinese restaurant. I went in and asked to see Mrs. Lincoln. The sales woman walked me to the back. We stopped outside a door and she told me to wait outside.

She knocked and entered. "Excuse me, Mrs. Lincoln. The young lady you were expecting has arrived." She turned to me and smiled. "Go right in."

I entered and found Mrs. Lincoln getting up from her desk. Her office was just like her, it was beautiful and extremely orderly with everything in place.

"Good evening, Erika, please have a seat. Now, let me take a look at you."

She stood up and walked around and looked at my face. She appeared to be taking mental notes as she inspected the damage.

"He definitely seems to have done a thorough job. Still, I see that the bruises are showing signs of fading. Your nose is a bit crooked, but it isn't bad. That scar above your right eye should heal in time. No, I see no reason why this unfortunate incident should stop you from working for me. By midweek, we should be able to cover much of the damage with makeup."

I let out a slight sigh of relief.

Sensing my release of relief, she smiled softly at me. "Dear, I am not trivializing what happened to you. You were attacked and violated in a most heinous way. That will take time to recover from. In the meantime, you have to go on with your life. I still want to hire you. But I want you to get one thing, I am not hiring you out of pity. I also will not cut you any slack. You showed me something back in October, and I believe that you have great potential."

I waited a second to see if she was really done or just grabbing a breath. "I accept your offer. I'm really looking forward to working for you."

"Excellent. I knew that you would see it my way," she stated. Mrs. Lincoln proceeded to talk to me for the next thirty minutes about what she expected from her sales force. She sounded demanding, but fair. I had to admit that the idea of wearing expensive outfits every day at work sounded like fun. I was told that I would start Monday and she expected to see me here at 5:45 PM.

Chapter Thirty-Three

I met Mom just outside the restaurant. I told her that I now had a job and that I was starting on Monday. As we ate our dinner, Mom noticed a couple sitting at a nearby table staring at me. I had seen them too, but was trying to ignore them. The woman had pointed at me and then leaned over to the man and whispered something to him. He would then look over at us and then whisper back to her.

It was really annoying and distracting. I could feel them both looking at me and I turned towards them. They quickly turned away and pretended to be talking about something. As soon as I looked away, they started staring at me again.

I finally had enough and turned around suddenly. "Is there something I can help you with?" I asked sweetly.

At first, they were at a loss for words. My question had obviously caught them off guard.

Finally the woman spoke. "I'm sorry to be so rude, but are you the girl who was attacked this past weekend?" she asked in a low, soft voice.

I fought my instinct to give her a sarcastic answer. "Yes, I am."

"I thought it was you. I'm glad to see you are doing better than the last time I saw you," she explained.

"I'm sorry, should I know you?" I asked. I was taken aback by her response. How did she know me?

She smiled. "I told Bill that you didn't remember me, very few do. I'm Officer Nina Robbins; I was in the ER with you last week."

Then it hit me, she was the policewoman who was assigned to collect evidence of the assault. I instantly broke out in a huge smile. "I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you. I do remember your kindness and how you treated me. Thank you for being so understanding. By the way, I'm Erika and this is my mom."

"It's a real pleasure to meet you. I'm Jill Walters," Mom greeted them, extending her hand.

"Nice to meet you, Jill, this is my husband, Bill. You should be very proud of Erika, as she gave us a very detailed description of the perpetrator and his vehicle. That is why we were able to catch him so quickly."

"I'm very proud of her," beamed Mom.

Bill had the staff move our tables together so we could continue our conversation a little more comfortably. We found out that Bill was also a policeman and had just been promoted to detective. I was thinking that, thanks to the Martins, I now knew half the police force – well, maybe not half. It was the only good thing about meeting them, I felt.

It was a fun evening. I thought that overall it had been a very good day. Jenny had told me to take things slowly, so a good day was something to be cherished

Chapter Thirty-Four

I woke up Saturday morning and eagerly got ready for the game. I showered and did my new daily ritual of checking the progress of my recovery. I still looked bad, but at least the bruises were fading. I looked at the bottle of pain pills and was glad that I didn't need them anymore. It had been three days since I had last taken one. My ribs were still a little sore, but I had gotten used to that. Also, my nose still hurt a little, but not enough for drugs. The scar above my right eye was still gross looking. Still, I looked a lot better than I had a week ago. My body had an involuntary shiver at the thought of my assault. I started to slip into feelings of self-pity and "why me?" but I quickly ran those ideas out of my brain. Overall, I was having an above average school year and, without this incident, it would be a great year. Still, it was hard not to get a crime as personal as this one was out of my mind.

I slipped on my jeans and put on my bra and boobs. I must admit the idea of having my own, real boobs was pretty exciting. I had done some online research about hormones and how long they would take to cause change. Caroline and I were planning to ask Ms. B if we could start sooner than April. I wouldn't risk the scholarship, but I wanted to get started as soon as possible. I slipped on a red turtleneck top and then my new Wolfhound sweatshirt. My old one was sitting in a police evidence room along with my favorite pair of jeans.

I went downstairs and joined Mom at the breakfast table. I asked her if she was sure about not coming to the game. She told me that she'd never really liked football and that she liked being out in the cold watching even less. She said that she was going to get some quiet time in. I knew there was a better reason, but I decided not to press her. I suspected it had something to do with my father.

Cat called and said that everyone was meeting at her place around 10:00. I told her about the job and meeting Nina in the Chinese restaurant. Cat told me that she was seriously thinking of going into law enforcement. I was stunned, as I had thought she was capable of so much more. But then she said that she wanted to focus on the science and forensic investigation side of police work. I asked her why the sudden career decision, and she told me that she had been thinking about it for a while, but she'd made up her mind after my attack. She liked the idea of helping nail people like Jason.

I had no trouble going over to Cat's house. The fact that I took the long route and did not cut across the yard was very logical. It was to avoid getting mud on my shoes. No, even I didn't believe that one. I was happy that I did walk over without an escort, so we'll call that a victory.

Laura and Paul arrived a few minutes later. We were so excited. The Wolfhounds just had to win this game. I really needed us to win. That may sound selfish, but I really didn't need any more disappointment in my life.

We arrived at the stadium and parked the car. The crowd was unbelievable. The game had attracted a lot of football fans from all over the area. Many figured that both starting quarterbacks were going to be at major universities and that they might end up in the pros, so this game could one day achieve legendary status.

We found our seats and did what we had done all season; that was to stand for the whole game. Thankfully, they didn't put the adults near us. I'm sure that they would have complained about our standing and our noise level.

We watched the familiar sight of Willi leading out the Wolfhounds. The team seemed really focused. Then came the returning champions onto the field. The Mudlarks also looked very focused.

Both teams played the first quarter very carefully and conservatively. We were slowly winning the battle of field position, due to our great punting. Paul kept pointing this out to me. I let him go. I didn't want to tell him that I had played football in Junior High. Why burst his bubble?

The game was 0-0 at the end of the first quarter. During the delay, I looked around the Pit. I saw Caroline and waved to her. Then I felt someone tapping my shoulder. It was Rachael. She had a huge smile on her face.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked.

"Here, use these. Look at their feet," said Rachael, handing me a pair of binoculars.

I looked through them and focused on the feet of the team. I could just make out a small EW on many of their shoes.

"I showed Alex what I had done to my shoes for the meet, and he thought it was a great idea and that he would do it too. I guess it kind of caught on," she said.

"Thank you, Rachael. You just made my day!" I replied, barely holding back my tears.

"Hey, you really won me and the rest of the team over. I doubt if you know this, but the team wasn't very happy when Coach first brought you on the team. Some of the girls were ready to quit. But, when we saw that you just wanted to help the team, we changed our minds. I am really happy and very proud to call you a teammate."

I gave her a hug and thanked her again. Thankfully, the game started up again and prevented us from making an even bigger emotional display. We had the ball around our 40-yard line when Alex threw a long pass. We hadn't noticed that Mike had been brought into the game as a receiver. With his speed, he easily outran the defender and caught the ball at their 20. He sprinted into the end zone for a touchdown. The Pit went ballistic. We were all jumping up and down and screaming. I had to be careful not to get hit in the nose. The last place I wanted to end up today was the ER.

The Mudlarks took the kickoff and moved up the field. They crossed midfield and were starting to get their offense going. Then we caught a break. Their receiver slipped and fell down on a timing play, and the only player near the ball was Mike. He easily won the race to the end zone, and, just like that, we had a two-touchdown lead!

There was no more scoring in the first half. We felt good about having the lead, but Chris Taylor pointed out that Crawford was trailing last year and scored on all of their four possessions in the second half to win the championship. I knew that there was no way that our team would fold. I thought about their little tribute to me. I was glad that no one else had noticed it; they didn't do it for attention or to look good to the rest of the school. Rachael promised not to tell anyone else.

We kicked off to start the second half. It was up to the defense now. The Mudlark's QB was really good; fortunately his receivers couldn't catch a cold. They dropped several easy balls. We began to sense that this could be our day.

We got the ball back and moved slowly up the field. Obviously, we were trying to take as much time off the clock as possible, while keeping possession of the ball. We were on their 35 and the coach put Mike in again as a wide receiver. They immediately double-teamed him and this left our running back wide open. He came out of the backfield and ran out on the opposite side of Mike. Alex faked a pass deep to Mike and then tossed a screen pass to the RB. There was no one near him, and he easily ran in for the score.

The Mudlarks tried to come back and they did mount a late drive in the fourth quarter but it stalled inside our 10-yard line. Even if they scored, there was less than two minutes left on the clock. The defense was not about to give up their shutout without a fight. Crawford's last chance to score was a fourth down play from our 2-yard line. Alex was waving the remnants of my old t-shirt. I looked at it and that incident seemed like years ago.

Their QB tried to throw a short pass to their tight end, but he was covered and, when he threw to their secondary receiver, Mike intercepted the pass. There was no one near him and everyone thought he would run it back for a final score. He could have easily run it back for a TD, as the receiver was on the ground and there wasn't another Mudlark near him, but instead he took a knee in the end zone. There was no need to rub Crawford's nose in the dirt. The clock showed only thirty seconds left. That show of sportsmanship by Mike was the most impressive thing I had seen him do all year.

Alex led the offense out for one last play, and then the celebration started. It felt great to be jumping around like a total idiot. To this very day, thinking about that victory brings a smile to my face. I can close my eyes and picture us all celebrating that wonderful season.

Chapter Thirty-Five

We headed out to the barn for the party. I admit that being part of the inner circle was really cool. I know that I initially got in because of Cat, but now I was totally accepted.

Alex's parents had the place all decorated in the school's colors. There were red and silver streamers and balloons all over the place. I ran into Mike and Tracey almost immediately. She was still a little uncomfortable around me, but then again she was pretty shy when she wasn't being a cheerleader. I congratulated Mike on a great season and a great game. I then thanked him for the little tribute.

"I only wish I had hit that bastard harder when I had the chance. Oh! By the way, we are going to place your old torn shirt in the display case with the game ball. It is now part of school history."

"Thanks for the honor. I doubt anyone will know why there is a rag in the display case ten years from now, but I will always remember it."

I thought about how important this season had been to me. Being in the Pit was my weekly therapy and I would miss it.

I finally got close to Alex and thanked him for what he had done. He smiled and gave me a hug, I winced a little as he grabbed me around the waist, but I didn't say anything. I didn't want everyone to think I was fragile.

Everyone was still in shock, as the victory hadn't really sunk in yet. Yes, there was celebrating and everyone was happy, but there was also a look of disbelief in many people's eyes. I don't think that the magnitude of our victory sank in until the next day.

There were other parties going on, but we decided to go back to my house instead. We picked up a few pizzas on the way for dinner. We talked about the upcoming Thanksgiving break and where everyone was going. This was the last full week of school. The following week we had only two days of class.

Paul and his family were driving to his grandparents in Harrisburg. Laura and her family were going to Pittsburgh for a big family get-together. Cat and I were staying put, and our families were doing a small dinner together with our moms.

Then Cat looked over at Laura and gave her a look. Laura nodded and then said, "Sure, I'd rather you tell them."

"Laura and I have a little announcement. We have decided to stop seeing each other. We would rather just be good friends right now," explained Cat.

"Neither of us was ready for a long relationship, and we felt it was better to end it now than to lose our friendship too," added Laura.

I got up and hugged both of them. Paul also expressed his support.

After Paul and Laura left, I talked with Cat in private.

"So, how do you feel? It actually feels good to be the one asking that question for a change," I quipped

Cat smiled. "I'm okay with it. It was very stressful on Laura and her family. I know that our feelings were genuine and not some sort of experiment. I love her, but I'm content to have her as a friend."

"That's cool," I replied. "If you need a shoulder to cry on, I am always here for you. It's the least I can do, after all you've done for me."

"Thanks, Erika, I appreciate it. While we're on the topic, how are you and Paul doing? I've noticed you aren't as romantic. I saw that you didn't kiss him good-bye."

"You should become an investigator; I guess it may have something to do with the attack. I just feel uncomfortable when he gets romantic. I know he can tell that something is wrong. He's very sweet and caring and I don't want to hurt him. It's not fair! He did nothing wrong, and I am punishing him. I'm wondering if we should split up," I vented.

"I'm not telling you what to do, but it might be wise. You need time to heal. But you can't push away those who love you. I think you should tell him how you feel. Maybe you can work through this, or maybe you'll just stay friends. But if you don't talk, then it will end badly. Both of you deserve better than that."

"How did you become so wise?"

Cat smiled and we hugged again. After she left, I thought about what she had said. The more I thought about it, I knew she was right. I decided to call Paul in the morning and sit down and talk. I put this down as another casualty of Jason's attack.

 

 

The next day I called Paul. He seemed to know exactly why I was calling, even though he didn't say it.

He came over around 1:00 and we sat down in the kitchen. I decided to be straightforward and tell him exactly how I felt. He sat there and listened.

"I'm really sorry. You are very special to me, but I just don't think I can return your affection right now."

"I understand, Erika. I sensed it all this week. I want to do what is good for you. If you just want to be friends for now, I understand. But this doesn't mean I'm happy about it. When you are ready, I'll be there. I've never seen you as anyone other than a beautiful girl. I am just so angry at that bastard, I could kill him!"

'You'll have to get in line behind me. So, we are still friends?"

"Please! I will always be your friend, even if we don't get back together."

"Thanks. I won't be offended if you want to date other people. There's no reason for both of us to suffer."

"Let's not worry about that for now. Let's just consider this a break of undetermined length. Do you mind if I give you a hug?"

"No, in fact I really need one – just don't press too hard, my ribs are still sore," I asked, fighting back tears.

He gently took me in his arms and held me. We both knew that this was the right thing to do, but why then did it feel so bad?

He held me for a long time. When we pulled away, I reached for the box of tissues. He sat there in silence.

"I guess I'd better get going. You still want a lift to school tomorrow?" he asked.

"Sure, I'm still a California wimp; I don't think I could survive the walk in the cold. Thank you for understanding."

He smiled. "I wouldn't call it understanding, rather accepting."

We walked to the front door and I watched him drive away. I turned around and saw Mom walking down the stairs.

"So now what?" I asked, as I brushed a tear away.

She smiled and came down the stairs and put her arm around me. "Well, honey, I've always found that ice cream works at times like this." She put her arm around my shoulders and led me into the kitchen.

Chapter Thirty-Six

I arrived at Mrs. Lincoln's store at 5:40PM. I had no intention of being late for my first day of work. I was wearing a dark blue skirt, matching jacket and a white silk blouse. I was even wearing pantyhose! I checked my face in my compact mirror before entering. The bruises on my face were slowly fading; they were still visible, even though I had spent a lot of time trying to cover them with makeup.

I was looking forward to starting my new job, as I needed something to throw myself into. I didn't want free time to think about the assault or breaking up with Paul. I knew that breaking up with Paul was the right decision, but it still hurt. Now, I just needed to get into being a normal teenager – well, make that a semi-normal teenager, as I knew that I'd never be really normal! Besides, being normal was overrated.

Mrs. Lincoln seemed pleased to see that I was on time. She introduced me to one of the women standing by the front counter, "Erika, I would like you to meet Cindy Ziegler, she is my store manager and she will be your supervisor."

"Pleased to meet you, Ms. Ziegler," I greeted her.

"Thank, you Erika," Ms. Ziegler turned to Mrs. Lincoln and said, "Polite. That is very refreshing to see in a young woman."

Cindy Zeigler looked like she was in her late thirties. She wore her black hair pinned up and it made her look very distinguished. However she was very down to earth. Like all the other employees, she was wearing a beautiful dress.

I was pleased that she referred to me as a young woman.

"Erika, you can call me Cindy," she replied, with a big smile. "We are a family here."

I nodded. "Thank you, Cindy."

"Well, I will leave you in Cindy's very capable hands. Welcome to the family, dear," stated Mrs. Lincoln. Without another word, she turned around and walked back to her office.

Cindy took me by the arm and led me through the shop. "Let me show you around first, and then we'll get you properly dressed for work."

Cindy explained that, unlike Mrs. Lincoln's other businesses this store did not deal in rentals. I looked at the quality and prices of the outfits. Everything was top of the line and the prices reflected this.

"I know what you're thinking; how can she stay in business in this little town? She's been in business in this town for thirty years. She knows fashion and has unbelievable connections in the industry. We have regular customers who live over 200 miles away. And what she doesn't have, she will get," Cindy explained. "She's also using the Internet. We started a website three years ago."

Another woman walked over and interrupted us for a second. She asked Cindy about the location of a dress that had been special ordered. The other woman was in her twenties, short, thin and had short blonde hair.

"Mel, this is Erika," introduced Cindy. "She's our newest employee."

Mel extended her hand. "Hi Erika, I'm Mel, it's short for Melissa."

"Pleased to meet you, Mel," I said. I instantly liked her.

"We'll talk later, Nice to meet you." Mel then left to get the special order.

"Mel was also hired by Mrs. Lincoln out of high school. She is now doing her postgraduate work over at the college," explained Cindy. "Now, let's get you into something nice!"

In the back room there were several racks of clothing, each outfit had a label on it with an employee's name on it. I saw one with mine on it.

Cindy started looking through the rack, as if she was looking for something specific. "Mrs. Lincoln selected these with you in mind. She also selects all our outfits. Here, why don't you try this one?"

She handed me a navy colored cocktail dress and a matching pair of shoes. Everything fit perfectly. Cindy was impressed and gave me some hints for accessories. She told me to keep my earring selection simple for now.

Cindy also helped me with my makeup. She gave me a few hints on how to cover up my bruises. I was amazed at the difference.

"Wow, I can't believe it," I exclaimed, as I looked in the mirror. A huge smile broke out on my face. The bruises were barely noticeable.

"Mrs. Lincoln sent me to a course on makeup several years ago. She wanted me to help the employees," she explained.

I couldn't stop looking at my reflection in the mirror. "Thank you, this is the best I've looked in a while."

Cindy stood there smiling. "Yes, dear, I know. So, are you ready to learn some more?"

"Absolutely," I replied, as I took one last look at myself. It felt great to look "normal" again!

I was kept very busy the rest of the evening. I was amazed by everything that I had to learn. I would be a trainee for the next few weeks. The goal was to have me ready for the Christmas/New Year rush. I thought the hardest thing about the job would be wearing heels. By the end of the night, my feet were killing me!

 

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Thankfully, even though the group had just gone through a massive dating break-up, we were all still friends. Paul still kidded me in homeroom, and Laura, Cat, and I still ate lunch together. In some ways, it made us all a lot closer. I told them about my new job on the ride to school.

As Cat and I walked to homeroom, I told her that I had to go in to see the DA that afternoon.

"They want to tell me something about the case. I was wondering if you would like to join me? That is, if you are still interested in that sort of thing," I asked, with a smile.

"That would be great! What time?" she asked.

"Right after school," I replied.

Cat hugged me. "Count me in."

When I reached homeroom, I was given a pass by Mr. Grant. I opened and started reading it.

"What's up?" asked Cat.

"Ms. B wants to see me. I think it's about that weekly meeting she was thinking about starting," I explained.

I grabbed my books and left. I couldn't help but notice Paul smiling at me. I let out a small sigh as I stepped out into the hall.

As I thought, the reason for the pass was to tell me that there would be a mandatory meeting of all contestants this Thursday afternoon. The meeting would be held during lunch and would be in room 131. Ms. B told me that notices were going out to everyone today.

"You seem a bit down, what's up?" she asked.

"I broke up with Paul. We're still friends – well, I think we are. I just don't feel comfortable being close with a boy right now. Does any of this make any sense or am I rambling?" I asked.

"Yes, it does. Looking at your circumstances, it makes sense. Work on your recovery and then, if it was meant to be, you'll get back with him. If not, it isn't the end of the world."

"Thanks," I replied with a smile. "I'll see you Thursday."

"Bring your lunch and don't be late!"

That afternoon on the way to see the DA, I told Cat of my internal struggles on breaking up with Paul.

"I mean, he did nothing wrong. In fact, he was unbelievably understanding and I pushed him aside," I sighed. "That must make me look like a total jerk."

"No, it makes you look human," answered Cat. "I have no idea of how bad it was for you during the attack, and I hope I never do. But if it was as bad as I think it was, you'll need time to get yourself right. To be honest, I doubt that you'll really find peace until after the trial. Paul is a great guy and he understands. Don't forget, I've known him a lot longer than you have."

"Has he talked to you about me lately?" I asked.

"Yes. We talked Monday evening on the phone. He's trying to understand what's going on. I told him to be content with being friends and to wait it out"

"Thanks," I answered. I felt a little better.

We went into the DA's office and sat down in the waiting area. Mom joined us a few minutes later. After a few minutes, Sam Warren came out and greeted us.

"This is my best friend, Cat; she is very interested in law enforcement," I said as I introduced Cat.

He looked at her as if he was trying to place her name. "Oh, yes! Caitlin Hawkins, you're the one who first noticed that Erika was missing. I was reading your statement last week. It's a pleasure to meet you."

He led us back to his office and told me that he just wanted to let me know that the initial DNA tests had come back and matched to Jason.

"We've matched Jason's DNA to samples taken from you at the hospital and from your clothing. Your bloodstains were found in Jason's van and on his jeans and sweatshirt. Additionally, we have Jason's fingerprints on the duct tape that was used to tie you up," reported Sam. "The lab techs are still waiting for confirmation on several other samples."

"So, that should be it, right?" I asked.

"I wish it was that simple. We are still waiting for the private lab report. Of course the defense is still claiming that it was consensual," explained Sam.

"And how're they explaining the fact that she was found taped up?" asked Mom.

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "Good question. I doubt they have a good excuse. The statement from the truck driver is also very strong. I have more than enough evidence to submit to the grand jury," replied Sam.

"So, are they going to take this thing to trial?" I asked. My disappointment was evident in the tone of my voice. I was hoping there wouldn't be a trial, as I really didn't want to be in the spotlight.

"Well, they did offer to plead guilty to a minor charge in exchange for dropping the rest of the charges. But it's a joke. They would only plead guilty to simple assault. Don't worry, we never even considered accepting it," he stated. "I plan on filing a multitude of charges against Jason. Starting off with kidnapping, assault and battery, forcible sexual assault, aggravated felonious assault, forcible rape, and several other charges."

"So, when will this trial start?" asked Mom.

"We thought they'd want to wait and draw it out, but they have pushed for a trial as soon as possible. We haven't got a firm date, but I expect it to start in early February. He has the right to push for a prompt trial."

"Why so soon?" asked Mom.

"I think they hope to create a sensation. They'll claim that his rights were violated and hope to get a sympathetic jury."

"What about my rights?" I asked in a slightly annoyed tone.

"Actually, your being here is part of your rights. I'm required by law to inform you of any plea bargains, even ones as ridiculous as the one they just offered. As we get closer to the trial, I'll brief you on what they can ask and what they can't. I want this conviction badly, Erika, and we will ensure that he won't get off on a technicality," explained Sam.

"I believe you. I guess sooner is better than later," I stated. There was something about Sam that made me trust him.

"Do you think they'll try to negotiate a plea bargain?" asked Mom.

"I would if I was defending him. However his lawyer seems convinced that he can win. If there is a plea bargain, I won't settle for less than twenty years in prison," answered Sam.

"If the evidence against Jason is so strong why would you consider accepting a plea bargain?" asked Mom.

"I'd do it to protect Erika," stated Sam. "I fully expect that Jason's lawyer will go after her hard."

"Thank you, but I want to testify," I stated firmly.

Sam nodded. "I kind of expected that to be your answer."

"Will she have to testify at the grand jury?" asked Mom.

"Right now, I'd say no. I have no plan on calling her, although it's possible that the grand jury might want to question her. I suspect that the video will be sufficient, as they've been satisfied with videos in the past. You'll be contacted either way," answered Sam.

After the official part of the meeting, he asked Cat if she would like a tour of their lab.

"It's small and we send most of our major evidence to the State Police, but it should give you a better idea of what we use," explained Sam.

"I'd love to see it!" exclaimed Cat. She turned to me and asked, "You don't mind do you, Erika?"

"No, not at all, take your time; I'll catch a ride back home with Mom. Call me when you get home," I asked.

On the drive home, Mom asked me if I really was comfortable with the prospect of an early trial.

"I just want to get it over," I sighed. "The longer the wait, the more time I'll have to worry about it."

 

Chapter Thirty-Eight

I was finishing up some homework when Cat called. She sounded very excited. She said that she'd be right over and that she had something great to tell me.

"You won't believe this, but they're offering me an internship down at the police lab! I'll spend three afternoons a week down there, and they'll even take me to the main lab some weekend!" she exclaimed.

"They just offered it to you?" I asked. I had heard of the opening and had talked to the DA about Cat.

"Well, they had a person earlier this year but they quit. When I told them my academic background, they offered it to me. Of course, they have to check with Mom and the school, but I don't expect any problems," explained Cat.

"That is way cool! Well, now we have spies in both the press and the police. Soon we take over!" I answered with my best mad scientist laugh.

"I want to thank you so much for recommending me. Yes, they told me that you had asked about the program for me," thanked Cat.

"I just wanted to try to pay you back for everything you've done for me," I replied.

There was a long pause. We both sat there looking at each other.

"Do you still have a crush on me?" she asked softly.

I looked at her and nodded, as I knew it would be pointless to lie. "Yes. I love you just as much as before, but I also want to keep you as my best friend in the world."

Cat nodded. "I want you to know that I feel the same way. I can't imagine you not being in my life. You are very dear to me."

"Too bad our friendship is so strong, otherwise we could start dating," I quipped a smile.

"I knew you'd understand," smiled Cat.

 

Chapter Thirty-Nine

I had another great night at work, and I told Cat and Laura all about it Thursday morning on the drive to school. Paul wasn't with us because he had to go to the newspaper immediately after school.

"So, today is the first group meeting of the survivors of the great scholarship contest?" asked Laura.

"Yes. It should be interesting," I replied with a smile. It may have just been my imagination, but I began to notice that Laura was becoming interested in me, and not in a regular friendship sort of way. I kept remembering her comment about liking "boys like me." Laura was really sweet and to be honest I had always thought a girl like her would be out of reach for me.

"Interesting is a bit of an understatement," quipped Cat.

We were allowed to bring our lunches into the meeting. I sat next to Caroline. We looked around the room and counted sixteen others. The number of contestants had stayed at eighteen for the past week. I noticed that of the group in my PE class, there were only three left. I still wondered how many of them were in on the note that Jason wrote.

Ms. B walked in and welcomed us all to the meeting. She said that this would be held every Thursday that school was in session.

"Its purpose is to allow you to get to know each other better. I want to make a few ground rules. First, whatever is said in here stays here, I want you to feel free to talk. Second, this meeting is for contestants only. Any questions?" she explained

We all looked around the room and didn't see any hands.

"Okay, I have a few more announcements to make. Starting next week, you may now wear pants three days a week. This rule will stay in effect until spring," she announced.

There was a huge sigh of relief followed by a spontaneous round of applause.

Ms. B smiled at our reaction. "Apparently that was a popular decision! Next, the week after the Christmas holiday break, there will be a special meeting. As you know the contest in past years has been just about over by now, but I know from talking to many of you that it might last well into spring this time. So, there will be some special new challenges that you will have to accomplish. We've had this plan for years, but have never had the opportunity to use it. I want to make this very clear; the activities are designed, not to humiliate you, but to give you more insight into the gender you have been living since the start of the school year."

She paused to give us time to absorb what she had said.

"Now, I am not able to tell you what all these challenges will be, but many of you will not find them that difficult. Hopefully, you'll have some fun doing them I will tell you that one of them is that for second semester each of you will be required to take child development."

A round of groans met this announcement. There was a hand raised.

"Yes, Ann?" asked Ms. B.

Ann was tall and thin. I had talked to her a few times in English. She had entered as a way of paying off money she owed to her sisters. She told me that her goal was to make it at least into February, as that would pay off the debt.

"Does that mean we'll have to do everything in the class?"

"Yes, it does," answered Ms. B, with a smile

More groans. That meant that we'd each be stuck with "the baby" for a weekend. It was a doll with electronic sensors in it. The sensors recorded any abuse or failure to provide correct care. The baby was set to start crying randomly, and it needed a special key inserted into the back to make it stop. The sensors would record how well we met the needs. I'd heard many girls say that it was the worst weekend of their lives, and that it convinced them to avoid getting pregnant until they were ready.

Oh, then there was the other big part of the course. There was also the "pregnant for a day" requirement. All students got to wear a pregnancy empathy belly for one school day.

"Any other questions? None? Okay, now I'd like to go around the room and have you introduce yourselves and tell us why you really entered the competition. Again, everything stays in here," she reiterated.

"Hi! I'm Ann, and I entered to pay off a debt to my sisters," she stated.

Her answer brought out a lot of laughs. The rest of the group each stood up and gave their name and reasons. There were a few that stood out. Lisa was a pretty Korean. She had entered because her girlfriend dared her. Claire, a short quiet redhead, said that she'd entered because she lost a bet with her Mom. Actually I was surprised to see Claire in the room, as I'd always thought she was a real girl. She was short and very petite. I wondered if she was like Caroline and I.

The scariest answer was by Denise, which made sense, as she was the scariest looking person in the room. She was tall, muscular, and was wearing a heavy base of makeup. She had taken to dressing slightly Goth. But it seemed to fit her. Her hair was dyed jet black, with slight streaks of purple, and she even wore black nail polish. Her dress was long and black and she was wearing Doc Martens. Actually, her outfit was practical, as the many tattoos on her arms didn't seem so noticeable. Her answer was that her choices had been this or military school. The reason for those choices was never given.

Ms. B thought that the meeting was a success and told us that she looked forward to our next meeting in two weeks.

As we walked to photography class, Caroline told me more about Denise. She told me that I shouldn't take Denise too seriously, as she loved spoofing people.

"Last year 'Dennis' was in a heavy metal garbage-band with my cousin," Caroline explained.

"The correct term is garage band," I corrected, laughing at her mistake.

She smiled back at me. "You never heard them play, garbage is a better description. Actually, Denise isn't as tough as she looks. I'll introduce you to her sometime. I have the feeling that you'd like her."

Chapter Forty

Friday was a busy day and it had nothing to do with school. I had to go to my therapy session after school and then I had work. My schedule looked a bit overwhelming. I decided to ask Jenny McCall, if we could move the sessions to Tuesday or Thursday. I didn't want to be distracted at work, and I wanted to be able to absorb what had happened with Jenny in private.

She had no problem with changing my session to Tuesdays. With that crisis over, she asked me how was my week going. Of course my breakup with Paul was the biggest thing on my mind, followed closely by the trial. We talked about what was going through my mind and my fears of going out alone.

Jenny looked at me. "I assume that you also check to see that the doors are locked when you are home alone a lot."

"Three or four times isn't really a lot of times is it?" I answered with a smile.

"I wouldn't get obsessed about it. Do you still lock your bedroom door?" she asked

"No. I stopped doing that a while ago," I lied. Well, I only did it occasionally, so that shouldn't count!

"What about nightmares?" asked Jenny.

"I have them occasionally. Not every night, but a couple times a week," I answered. "Will they go away?"

"They should. However, be aware that you may go through cycles of these nightmares. Let me know if they start affecting your sleep," stated Jenny.

The rest of the session went by really fast. The last thing she asked me was about starting group therapy.

"There's a group over at the college that I checked out and I'd like you to consider joining it. It is mostly women aged 18-26, and it's the closest that I can find to your age, which I guess is a good thing. I know the woman who runs it and I have told her about your situation. She has no problem with you joining the group," explained Jenny.

"What about the members of the group?" I asked. "I know that some people are hostile to my status. I can understand their hostility to men and some of them might just see me as mocking them."

"The group I have in mind should be okay. The woman who runs it is a close friend, and she is anxious to have you join. Well, I'd like you to at least think about it. I'd like you to call her this weekend," she said as she handed me a business card.

I read the name on the card Dr. Karen Buford, "What time should I call?" I asked.

"She is usually available between 10-12:00," explained Jenny. "I'll see you Tuesday at 4:00."

I got up and hugged her. It suddenly struck home how much I needed her.

 

Chapter Forty-One

Mom was waiting for me and drove me to the mall. She listened to my post-therapy ramblings without complaining. She said that the group might be good for me.

"So you were actually listening to me? Thanks. I was afraid that I wasn't making any sense," I replied.

"I never said you were making sense!" quipped Mom. "By the way, I'd like to meet your boss this evening."

"Okay, I think you'll like her," I answered.

Mom found a parking spot right up near the entrance, so we only had a short walk in the cold. We walked into the store and I introduced Mom to Cindy and Mel.

"Is Mrs. Lincoln in, Cindy?" I asked.

"Yes she is. Erika, why don't you go get changed and I'll take your Mom back to meet Mrs. Lincoln. I have your outfit hanging in the back dressing room. By the way your makeup looks very good this evening," commented Cindy.

My dress that evening was a black cocktail dress. The dress was nice, but I dreaded seeing the heels. The shoes were three-inch heels, and I immediately knew my feet would be killing me by the end of the evening. I checked myself in the mirror and walked out. I looked at the clock. It was 5:45 PM exactly.

I found Mom talking to Mrs. Lincoln and Cindy. They seemed to hit it off quite well. They all turned and watched me as I approached. I could tell from their expressions that they were pleased with my appearance.

"Oh, Erika, you look lovely!" exclaimed Mom, as she looked me over.

"Thanks Mom," I replied, feeling a bit embarrassed.

"I am very pleased with your daughter so far, Jill," stated Mrs. Lincoln to Mom.

"Erika, what time do you want me to pick you up?" asked Mom, who had a huge smile on her face.

"Don't bother, Jill, I can give her a ride home. You don't live that far away and I really don't mind," interrupted Cindy.

Mom looked at Cindy, "That's very kind, I appreciate it. Well, it was nice meeting all of you."

I said good-bye and got to work. That night I worked mainly with Mel and she showed me how to work the cash register. She also taught me how to make entries into our computer database.

"Mrs. Lincoln has us keep this up to date as much as possible. That way she can spot trends. Don't ever underestimate her. She sees everything. She can be very critical, but she's also very generous and caring. She really doesn't need this store, but she loves running it and helping her friends, customers, and employees," explained Mel

"I am beginning to see that," I answered. I could sense a lot of loyalty in Mrs. Lincoln's employees.

As long as I was busy I was OK, but when it got slow I started thinking about my session with Jenny.

"Earth to Erika! Hello. You there?" asked Cindy.

I was refolding some sweaters and kind of zoned, thinking about what Jenny had told me about the group session.

"You seemed to be somewhere else for a minute. Everything okay?" she asked.

"Yes. I'm sorry I had a counseling session this afternoon before work. I was thinking about something she told me. Don't worry, it won't happen again. I moved my sessions to Tuesdays." I went back to folding the sweaters.

"Don't worry about it. If you don't mind telling me, who are you seeing?" asked Cindy with a sympathetic smile on her face.

"Dr. Jennifer McCall over at the County Health Office by the hospital," I answered, as I folded another sweater.

Cindy smiled and nodded knowingly. "I know where Jenny works. She's very good, isn't she?"

I stopped and looked up at her. I didn't know what to say. I started to open my mouth and Cindy shook her head and put a finger to her lips.

"No need to say anything, dear. I first saw her six years ago, when she was first starting out. She helped me a lot and I know she'll help you."

"Do you still see her?" I asked.

"Sometimes," she answered with a smile. "Now, you need to finish that up. I have some other tasks for you this evening."

"Yes Cindy, I'm almost finished," I answered.

On the ride home I wanted to ask Cindy some more questions, but felt that I'd be prying into her privacy. I knew that I was not the first to experience an assault, but there was a sense of relief in knowing someone else who had been through it and had survived.

She pulled into our driveway. I thanked her for the ride and told her I'd see her Sunday at 11:45. I was relieved that she waited until I was inside.

I made it through another day and a good day at that. Life was looking up.

 

(continued)

  

  

  

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