Rock Star

by Jennifer White

 

I always wanted to be a rock star. When I was a kid, I used to go to all the concerts, after standing in line to get good tickets. I loved how everyone on the stage was larger than life. And I loved how the bands always had flocks of groupies, pretty young girls throwing themselves at their feet. That was what I wanted. I played my guitar in my room, and pretended to be a rock star, on stage, with hoards of pretty girls waiting for me back stage.

Like all musicians, I pretty much sucked at first, as I played along with my CDs. But I was dedicated. I knew what I wanted in life, and I wasn't going to stop at anything to get there. My folks were mad because my grades were slipping. I'd rather spend my time with girls or with my guitar, than with my textbooks.

I got into a band in highschool, but we weren't very good. But from that I met some other musicians, and for my junior and senior years, I was in and out of several bands. Finally, the summer after I graduated, I had something put together that looked like it was going to really work.

I named the band "All The Rage". I sang lead vocals, and played lead guitar. My longtime drummer, from the last three bands was Robert, and he followed me into this one. He knew this chick named Kayla who played bass, and sang backup, and after a quick audition, she was in. She was pretty tall for a girl, and pretty hot. She liked to show off her body on stage, wearing tight leather miniskirts and stuff, so she would be a good draw. She was in.

The last piece of the group was controversial at first. I was dating Julia, who happened to have taken piano lessons since she was six years old. She was really, really good on the keys, and she was a good singer too. She was a hottie herself, short, cute, sexy, curvy and perky. But the others didn't like the idea of having someone in the band who was dating another band member.

"Believe me Mike" said Robert, "I've seen it way too often. If you bring in your significant other, it will mean trouble down the road. Even in famous bands, look what happened in Fleetwood Mac back in the seventies. It just means trouble, man. Don't do it."

"But Robert, she is an awesome musician. She can sing. And that gives us two hot chicks in the band. We'll be so much more versatile, we'll have 3-part vocal harmonies, and I even wrote a love song duet for us. It will rock!"

"It's your band, man, and you can do whatever you want." he said. "But I tell you one thing: if this causes trouble later on, don't look to me for support. You're on your own if you do this."

"Gotcha" I said. "No problem, dude."

 

And so 'All The Rage' was complete. Me on guitar and vocals, my main squeeze Julia on keys and vocals, Kayla on bass, and Robert on the drums. We set out to start getting some gigs, and making some cash.

* * *

 

Well, as all bands starting out will tell you, it is very difficult at first! Nobody wants to pay you anything, they don't want to hear your original songs, they want you to be a jukebox, and play what's popular. But with the fact that we had two girls, guitar and keyboards, we could cover almost anything. And so we did. We learned all the songs in the top 40, and played whatever people wanted to hear. We threw in a few of our originals, and we played anything we could, even if all it paid was free drinks at the bar (and we were under age!).

We played coffee houses (they told us to turn it down, and asked where our acoustic guitars were). We played frat college parties (and watched as they got drunk and high in front of us). We played outdoor music festivals (we got booed off stage when we signed up for a jazz festival, for the heck of it). We played biker bars (and got threatened if we didn't play something that 'rocks hard'). We played at country bars (Kayla and Julia looked hot in western clothes and cowboy hats!).

We did anything to build up our reputation, and our name. Slowly, things started to go in the right directions. Bars started asking for us to come back. The ones that paid let us start playing there. We started to draw a crowd. Within a year, we were playing five paying gigs a week, making a halfway decent living, and we started to think about recording.

I had written nearly a full album, and we did most of my songs in our set. We got together and wrote six more, then gathered some money (including borrowing from our parents) to go into the studio. We were focused, we were sharp from playing out so much, and in just four days, we had 14 songs 'in the can'. We picked the best dozen of them, and had them mastered on CD.

Now we borrowed more money from our folks, and had a thousand of them made, including a cover with cool graphics, and a shot of the band in the back. Now we'd hawk them at our gigs, selling them for $10 each. Since they cost us about $4 each to make, we made a decent profit. We could also give the CD to places we were trying to get into, to show them how professional we were.

After four months, we had sold out all thousand, so we had another thousand made. We were steadily going through those, when we caught our first real break. There was a famous band touring in town, but their opening band had to cancel due to a contractual conflict. You can image how shocked I was to get a call from their manager, saying he heard us at our concert the night before, and loved our CD. I hadn't realized that the old British guy I had sold one to was the manager for a *real* band! He loved our stuff, and asked us to open the show.

So there we were: ready to play a set of seven songs, in front of a packed arena that seated ten thousand people. Let me tell you, we were all really nervous! Going from a club with two hundred people, to a place that held 50 times as many was quite a jump! We had T-shirts by now, so my sister and her friends got a table in the corridor, and set up shop there, in case anyone wanted to buy any of our stuff.

We got announced, and walked onto the stage. We were used to a tiny stage shoved off in the corner. But now there was just a *ton* of room. We could move. It was unbelievable! I thought I'd be freaked out by all the people I'd see, but with the stage lights on so bright, you could only really see the first few rows. Robert clicked his sticks, counting off the first song, and we all fell into the groove.

After one minute on stage, my nerves were calm. I relaxed, and just let it happen. So did everyone. We played great. We could hear ourselves so well with all the professional monitor gear, and the vocals were perfect. We had a *real* sound man, so everyone could be heard now too. It was the best we ever sounded. Kayla and Julia both really dressed hot for the occasion, and I could see the guys staring at them. I felt so lucky to know that she was all mine.

The audience just gave us polite applause at first, but by the time we were done, we got a big hand from them. I was soaked with sweat when I was done, and just shaking from excitement. Julia and I hugged and kissed after our love song duet to close the set, and that got another big hand.

We went backstage, and partied with the champagne they gave us. We had tasted the big time for the first time, and we loved it. We were all hooked. This is what we wanted. And after the main band was done, they invited us to party with them! There were girls, booze, everything you read about in the papers. And we were partying with real rock stars! I held on to Julia tight. I didn't want to let her get away from me!

After the show, my sister told me that they sold out *everything* they had brought. They only brought one box of T-shirts and a hundred CDs, thinking they'd only see a few. But everything went, and they gave out all of our business cards. Needless to say, activity on our web site jumped up a ton after that.

 

That was the start of our rise to fame. After the show, we got a national record deal for three albums, and an option for two more. They even picked up distribution of our first self-made disc. That got us in the door to start opening for other groups on national tours. And within a year, we were headlining smaller places ourselves, as well as opening for bigger acts.

We made videos. We toured Europe. We got our own tour bus. We did everything I had always dreamed of. I had Julia, and I was madly in love with her, so I turned aside all of the groupies we were starting to get. That left them all to Robert, and he was one happy man, let me tell you!

The night in the hotel in New York, after playing a big show, I made love with Julia, and it was the happiest day of my entire life. Little did I know, that from there, how things were about to change.

* * *

 

"Mike, I know you're not going to like the idea" said Julia to me one day as we were listening to a playback of the show, "but I think we need to add another guitarist."

"No way! We're a group. Everything is going so well. Why mess with it now?"

"Just listen to the tape. We're rocking, then it comes time for your solo. Your rhythm track is really happening, but then suddenly, it sounds empty. We need to keep the rhythm guitar going, so your solo sounds better."

As much as I hated to admit it, she was right. It did suddenly sound empty with just one guitar on the solo. In the studio, we could overdub things. But not live. We needed to sound our best live, if we were going to keep going up in the world. So I gave in, and told the rest of the band that we would be adding another guitar player, to thicken our live sound. They all liked the idea.

"I know a guy' said Julia. "He's really cool, he can play, and he'll fit right in with us."

"Let's give him a tryout" I said. "Tell him to learn our songs, and come by next week."

"He has our CD. He already knows them. He told me he could come by today, if we wanted him to."

"Ambitious and prepared. I like that" I said. "Tell him tomorrow, 7:30."

"Great!" she said, giving me a big kiss and a hug. I could see that backing down and using her idea made her really happy.

 

The next day, her friend Juan showed up. He was about my size, but kind of buff. I didn't know about him, but when he pulled in his guitar, he could really rip. He wailed! Then we had him play along with us for a few songs. We ran into one problem right away: we got to the solo on the first song, and both he and I started playing the solo! Nobody stayed on rhythm guitar.

"I tell you what" I said. "You're a great lead guitar player too. How about you play lead on this one, I'll do the next one, and we'll alternate."

"Thanks dude. Didn't mean to step on your toes, but playing lead comes naturally to me. I can sing too, if you want."

"Sure. Give it a shot. Sing the songs I play lead on, and vice versa."

"Got it."

And so we played through our set list. He was a great player, as good as I was or better. He did my solos kind of like I did them, but added his own thing, which was really cool. His vocals were right on, and he seemed to fit in perfectly. The only thing that was kind of bad for me, was how it was his turn to sing on the closing number, so *he* did the love duet with Julia. That also happened to be my favorite solo. I wasn't going to give up that to him either. It would be just this once that he sang *my* love song with her!

But other than that, everything was perfect. We looked at each other, and didn't even need to talk. Juan was in. We had our second guitar player, and we started writing material for our next album. It all came together so fast. He had lots of great musical ideas, even more than I did. One of my choruses got voted out in favor of what he came up with. But I had sworn "no egos" in this band, and do whatever was best for us as a group, so I gladly accepted his writing contributions. He also wrong one song with Julia, which came out really well. We were all excited.

In the studio, we got it all done in two weeks, which isn't too bad for a *real* recording. This time we had a producer, Ted, studio engineers, and everything. We made sure it was perfect, recording and re-recording parts. Sometimes the endless retakes got dull, so we'd try something new, like when Juan suggested he'd play my guitar part, and me doing his. That helped break up the monotony, and things got back in the groove. We left it for the pros to mix down, and went out to celebrate.

I was really happy with the new album, until I heard the final mix down they presented us with. First of all, just like last time, we recorded more songs than we needed. The ones that got cut were all mine. They were replaced by ones Juan did. That didn't make me happy, but what else they did was more upsetting. Only two of my guitar solos made the cut, his 'alternate takes' in their place. I thought I was too far back in the mix too, but I didn't want to make waves. And on top of that, on three songs, my vocals were not in the mix at all, in favor of his. I was pissed, but what could I do?

 

We started on tour right away, and I forgot all the drama about the new CD, as I concentrated on making sure we were a tight unit as a band on the tour. Kayla was playing better than she ever had, and Robert was sharp as always. Julia sounded awesome, and Juan and I fought it out each night on the guitar, as to who was better. It was a healthy competition, as we tried to top each other. The album started selling pretty well, and the tour was progressing nicely.

One day, as we were listening to the playback after the show. We would always go over the show for the night, and try to see what we could do better the next time.

"The crowd really reacts to Julia and Kayla" said Juan.

"So true" I agreed.

"I think we should have a girl guitar player too. That would be hot. Three girls up front."

"We've already got two guitar players, my friend" I said.

He shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm just saying, that would put us over the top. That's all."

We got back to listening, going over little issues we could work on. The normal post-gig routine.

 

The tour bus was rolling into Omaha for our show. College towns were always a blast to play, so we all looked forward to this one. The roadies were unloading our truck, and we were checking into the hotel. As Julia was unpacking her bag, hanging her stuff next to mine in our room, she turned to me.

"Mike, I've got a suggestion" she said.

"What's that?" I replied.

"I think that you should let Juan play the solo for 'My Rage'."

"But Julia, that's my signature song! The crowd loves it when I do that solo."

"But I heard him in sound check. He does it even better than you do. This is for the group, honey. I thought you said you'd always do what's best for the group, and no egos."

"You're right" I admitted. "I was being bullheaded. I'm sorry. I'll let him play it tonight, and see how it goes. Okay?"

"And one more thing, my little rock star?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"I think you should start letting your hair grow out long. You need to look more like a rock star. You're too clean cut. Let your hair grow! Look how all your idols have long hair."

"I never thought of that. I don't have a day job anymore, so yeah, why not let it grow out."

"I love you" she said, giving me a kiss.

 

And that was that. Based on her advice, I let my haircuts go. Oh well, I never liked waiting in line at the barber shop anyway.

* * *

 

Our tour was going very well, and we were selling lots of our CDs. We passed the 200,000 mark, making it into a certified hit. We were getting radio airplay now. I listened in as Julia and Juan did an interview at a local station. I was talking to the newspapers that afternoon, so they volunteered to go on the air. That was very nice of them, so I could be freed up to deal with the music press, which I used to read all the time.

There was only one thing that bothered me: as the tour went on, I had let Juan take over a couple of my vocals, to make it more even between us. But it seemed that every time we updated the set list, we were doing more and more of his songs, and less and less of mine. Now it was like 3-to-1 in his favor, and he was doing more and more of the solos too. And because of that, he was being set up front and center, while I was moved to the side and the back. Tina, our manager explained that we had to do it, since he would be in the main spotlight more.

 

That night, I brought it up with Julia.

"I think I should move back to the front of the stage."

"Mike, Tina is too political to tell you this, but I'll come right out with it. The girls like Juan a lot better than you. That's why they want him in the spotlight. If you're going to move back up, you're going to need to make some changes to your appearance."

"Like what?"

"Remember how we discussed you growing your hair out?"

"Yeah. I'm doing that."

"And I've got some other ideas. We need to make your more 'glam' on stage. Let me work on it, and we'll try a few things out this week, okay?"

"Thanks" I said. "I love you."

"You're welcome. And I love you too."

She kissed me, and I smiled. All was going to be well again.

* * *

 

The next week, we rolled through Los Angeles. Julia went out on some sort of shopping spree, and she told me that what she was buying was a secret. I played my guitar in my room, working on some new song ideas while she was out. She returned laden with shopping bags.

"I have your new wardrobe, for your new 'glam' image that's going to put you back in the spotlight" she said.

"Cool!" I replied.

"You wear dull, boring T-shirts and jeans. You're a rock star, and you need to start dressing like one. You need to start *looking* like one. So lets get started! I can hardly wait to see you all dressed up."

She pulled out from the bag an outfit, and laid it out on the bed for him.

"I'm not wearing *that*" I said in disgust.

"Why not? It's perfect" she replied.

"I'm just not! Look at that! It's an outfit for a chick! That looks like a blouse. And purple pants? Come on. What do you think I am?"

"No it's not so bad." said Julia. "But I was afraid you'd say that, so I pulled out some pictures and posters. Look at this. In the 60's, your idol, Eric Clapton, he's wearing silk shirts. Look at Hendrix, and what he's wearing. Here's Bowie in the 70's, here's some 'hair metal' bands from the 80's, and here's a picture of Prince. Now tell me that what I've picked out for you isn't what rock stars wear."

I had to admit it. She was right. The stuff she had bought for me wasn't nearly as femme looking as what rock stars I admired had been wearing for the last 40 years. That got me to try it on.

First, there was this blouse, which was made of silk, and was all poofy. There was a fringe on the collar, and the cuffs. Then, there were the purple pants, made of a soft material that reminded me of velvet. And boots with a heel, that she said weren't too different from "Beatle Boots". It put it all on, and felt really silly.

"And now, I promised you I'd make you look better. I'm going to show you how to put on some makeup, so you'll appear better on stage."

She started with a layer of foundation, "so I wouldn't look so shiny". Then she put on mascara, lipstick, rouge, and eyeshadow. When she was done and I looked in the mirror, I was horrified.

"Oh come on you big baby, that's nothing compared to what Bowie wore. Or your favorite hair metal bands, they wore lots more makeup than this. And don't even bring up Kiss."

"I guess you're right" I said. "I'm just not used to looking like this. I don't feel comfortable. I don't think I can just go out on stage like this."

"I understand" she replied. "I've thought about that. What you need to do, is to get used to dressing like this, and looking like this. If you go around like this every day, then it won't be a big deal to go out on stage like you are. I think you look awesome."

"I don't know" I said.

"How about I get Kayla in here, and get her opinion?"

"Okay" I said.

Kayla came by, and she was all smiles.

"Wow, what a difference in you!" she gushed.

"I think he looks like a rock star now" said Julia.

"He sure does" she replied.

If the girls liked it, who was I to argue? I didn't have what you'd call "fashion sense" anyway. I could dress like this, do the makeup like Julia wanted, and I'd look "glam". And if chicks dug this look, then it must be okay.

"All right" I said, "I'll give it a try."

And so, I started to wear my new wardrobe and makeup every day, so I'd be used to it for the show. Julia bought me a bunch of other outfits, with frilly shirts, poofy pants, and more. I wore them all the time, and most people were supportive. Tina liked it. Juan liked it. Only Robert shook his head, and said I was letting fame get to me. But other than him, everyone thought it was wild, and a great idea.

"We need all the publicity we can get" said Tina. "At this stage, you're trying to make a name for yourselves. Anything we can get into the press is a big bonus. If people start to talk about how you're dressing, well that's just great for the band. *I* like it, if that means anything to you."

"Thanks" I replied.

 

I got used to my new look, and I wore it every day now, whether on stage, traveling, doing interviews, or whatever we were up to.

* * *

 

The tour made it's European swing, and the crowds there were very warm and exciting to play for. But from the transatlantic trip, I got a slight cold, and I was having trouble hitting the highest notes in my singing range. That meant that for a couple of songs, including my love song duet with Julia, I just couldn't do it.

We couldn't drop that song from the set list, because it was our closer, and it always went over so well. That was the song that chicks dug, and the one where everyone in the audience would turn on their lighters. It was so cool, that we just *had* to do it.

Now because of the "sharing of duties" thing, Juan had been playing the solo, while I sang with Julia. And as much as I didn't like it, I had to let him do the singing now too, for a while. We *had* to do the song, but just could not do it, with my sore throat.

And so I stood there, at the back of the stage, watching him play *my* solo, singing *my* love song, to *my* girlfriend. Needless to say, I felt a little off-put. I didn't like this one bit, but I had to remind myself that it was temporary, until I got my voice back.

 

The band kept getting bigger and bigger, with our CD selling more and more. We passed the 500,000 mark in sales, meaning it "went gold". We had quite the celebration that night, I can tell you!

I had to admit one thing though: as much as I had always stressed that we were a band, and that there was to be "no egos", it was really getting on my nerves that Juan was getting all the raves in the press. They credited him with bringing better musicianship to the group, enlivening the singing, and making the band the success it was today.

This was *my* band, and I was starting to feel like just a bit player in it. *He* was more and more important, while *I* was becoming less and less.

 

As all of this wore on my nerves, I got upset more easily, I started drinking more, and it was even effecting my relationship with Julia. She was getting into arguments with me more and more, and I was feeling really lonely. If she was rehearsing a vocal part with Juan, while I was just sitting on the sidelines, I felt so jealous of her being with him. I had never felt like that before. I had always fully trusted her in all things.

But now I felt left out, I felt jealous, and I felt upset. The strain in our relationship was starting to show. I tried to talk to Robert about it, but he told me that he had warned me about bringing my girlfriend into the group, and he pretty much washed his hands of me. He said he didn't know me anymore, and that I was acting so different. I didn't notice anything, other than being so upset about how things were going, but I guess the strain must have been showing.

* * *

 

"We're all over the press today" gushed Tina, excited to see our name in all of the British tabloids, as we entered the U.K. leg of our tour."

"What's the word?" asked Kayla.

"Well, it seems that according to several publications, Mike is having relationship problems with Julia, and that she has been romantically linked to Juan! They think she's dumping Mike, in favor of Juan. Isn't that wonderful?"

"No!" I said, really upset. "No, it is not!"

"Now Mike, first of all, nobody believes the tabloids. Secondly, getting our name in the papers, however we do it, is *great* for the band. People are talking about you."

"We need to stop this rumor."

"No" she replied. "If you're smart, and you want what's best for the band, then you will help make this rumor seem real. It gets us in the papers. It people hear about the band, who wouldn't otherwise."

"I can't do this!" I protested.

"Mike, I thought you always told me you'd do whatever it took for us to make it, as a band" said Julia.

"Yes, but I didn't mean *this*. I don't want to lose you!"

"This isn't about losing me. It's about gaining fans. You want that, don't you Mike? Don't you want us to be a success? You don't want to let all of us down, do you?"

"No" I had to admit. "The band is *so* important to me."

"Great" said Tina. "Then it's settled. We will not deny the rumors, and we'll let a few things slip to keep them gossiping. Great. See you all at the show tonight!"

 

It was just heartbreaking to see a picture of Julia in the paper, with Juan hugging her, and a headline saying that the couple was now "an item", while *I* was out.

It was even worse when we made public appearances, like doing press conferences, and Julia would kiss Juan, or he'd put his arm around her, while I had to watch from the back. He was touching her, and I could only watch as the cameras snapped picture after picture.

 

And then one day, things got even worse than *that*. Tina brought me in with Juan and Julia for a huddle.

"Bad news. A maid at the hotel from last night told the press that she saw you going into Julia's room at night, and they were going to run a story saying that you two were *not* really on the outs. I had to lie, and tell the press that you still loves Julia, and that you were carrying her bags for her, but that she sleeps with Juan now."

I was actually kind of upset that she quashed the story. That was one I would have loved to see run in the papers!

"So we need to be more careful, so we don't have another incident like this. You are all famous now, and everyone is watching you. From tonight on, Julia and Juan need to room together, while you get your own room."

"No!!!" I said. "No way!"

"Mike, why are you doing this?" said Julia. "Here we are, on the verge of having everything we ever dreamed of, and you are letting your ego get in the way of the band! I can't believe that you're so insecure, that you'd kill all of our headlines, and all the free publicity we're getting."

I bowed my head down low. I was crushed. I had no choice. I *had* to back down.

"Okay" I said. "He can room with you. I'll room by myself."

You can only imagine the heartbreak, and how crushed I was, to watch Juan put his arm around her, kiss her in front of the people watching us, and go into her room for the night, while I went into my room alone.

* * *

 

We now had a big gig coming up, the Reading Festival. We would play before the largest crowd yet. This was really a "make or break" moment for the band. If we did well, then it could really put us over the top. Tina kept reminding us just how important this gig was to our future.

"I think we should have a chick guitar player" said Juan, rehashing an argument we had way back when. "If we had three chicks in the band, we'd really get the audience excited."

"We already talked about this" I said. "It was settled."

"Yeah, but look at the crowd we're going to play for" he retorted. "If we had a third chick, wow, we'd really kill them!"

"It's kind of late to add someone to the group now" I said.

"I know" he replied. "I just mean that since you've been acting like a chick, and you kind of look like one, that you should do it right. Wear a skirt for me, and stuff your bra, so you really look pretty."

I was too stunned to answer. I just didn't know what to say.

"That would be really cool" said Kayla. "You'd make a great chick."

"No!" I said. "I'm not dressing up like a girl for the show!"

"Think of the publicity for the band!" said Tina.

"You'd be a real asset" said Juan.

"*I* think you should do it" said Julia. "Just try it this once. See how it goes. Do it, for me."

I was beside myself. Dress up as a chick for the most important gig in my life? They were all ganging up on me. They were making it sound like a good idea. Julia really put the screws to me, telling me it would be 'for her'. I was so upset, that I just didn't know what to do.

"All right" I said, caving in, as she stared at me with that hopeful look on her face. "I'll do it, just for this show."

"Thank you" she said. "My little rock star."

She gave me a kiss on the cheek, which was really the most physical contact we had for weeks. I felt a shiver go all through me. She hugged me, then she went over and kissed Juan on the lips. She had her hand in his pants pocket, as they walked off together.

"I guess you're a chick now" said Robert, shaking his head, and walking off.

* * *

 

The morning of the concert, Julia and Kayla went shopping. They returned with an outfit for me to wear. First, Julia told me to go shave my legs, chest, and armpits, which I did. She had me put on the silky panties, which felt so smooth and soft against my skin.

Then I put on the dark nylons she bought, which felt electric against the smooth skin of my legs. She put a bra on me, and I felt so weird! She had these large fake boobs, which looked very realistic. She put them into my bra, and now it looked like I had boobs.

She kept cooing, whispering in my ear, and telling me how wonderful I was looking. I just sat there, feeling so passive and so unable to do anything. Now she had me put on a girdle, which she closed up on me tight, to help "give me curves".

Once that was on, the next thing was a tight leather miniskirt. It was wrapped around me so tight, and it felt so strange to wear. Next, she had a black cami top, which felt so small and so skimpy. How could I wear so little clothes?

Kayla came in, and she and Julia started to work on my hair. It had grown out quite long by now, but it was rather scruffy and unkempt. They fixed it up, styled it, and I gasped when I looked in the mirror, and saw what a feminine style they had given me. With the makeup I was wearing, I really looked like a girl. But they weren't done.

Julia had boots for me, but these came up to my knees, and had high heels. Kayla was painting my fingernails a bright red color, while Julia was redoing my makeup, with something much more noticeable. The pink lipstick that barely showed was replaced with dark red. All of the powders and things she put on my face showed up a lot more. They all made me look pretty. They all made me look like a girl.

They put a necklace over my head. Kayla had bought a ring, which she put on my finger. Julia gave me a bracelet to wear, which Juan had given her. They had clip-on earrings, large hoops, which they put on me.

I looked in the mirror when they were through. I looked like a chick. Me! You couldn't tell that I wasn't a girl. I had to practice playing the guitar like this, since my "boobs" got in the way so much, and it was hard walking in high heels. I practiced all the way up until the time we were slotted to go on.

 

The announcer called out our name, and we came out on stage. We ripped through our set, and the crowd was really into it. I was feeling really good, as we got to the last number. My love duet with Julia.

"I gotta sing this now" said Juan. "You're a chick now, and I can't have you singing a love song with my woman. It wouldn't look right."

He was right that it wouldn't look right with two girls singing, so I had to agree for him to do it, even though my voice was back to normal now. But I couldn't stand how he called Julia 'his woman'. And he said I was a chick now! I steamed with rage as he sang my song, and they kissed at the end.

"Thank you!" he yelled into the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Juan. We've got Robert on drums! Julia on keys! Kayla on the bass. On the rhythm guitar, please give a special hand for our newest member, Lisa! Everyone, show her how you feel about her!"

The crowd got on it's feet, and gave a standing ovation.

 

Back in the dressing room, the girls were gushing over me.

"Look how the crowd loved you as a chick!" said Kayla.

"This is so awesome! You rock, babe" said Juan.

"You make an awesome girl" said Julia. "Juan was right. With a three-girl lineup, we blew them away."

 

The worst came the next day, with all the headlines in the tabloids. "Rock Star to have Sex Change!" announced one. "Mike gives up the mike to become Lisa" said another. "Band Founder Becomes New Girl" said a third.

"They all think I want to be a woman full time!" I said, reading the story. "It says I gave up Julia, because I wanted to transition into womanhood, and that now I've come out, and shown everyone what I want to become. We have to put a stop to this, now!"

"What?" said Julia. "We are in every paper, in the headlines! Are you crazy? No way! You are going to stay 'the new girl'. This is the best thing to ever happen to us."

"You make a better chick than a guy anyway" said Juan. "Just look at you. I think you're going to cry."

He was right. I *was* holding back the tears.

"Promise me you'll always go on stage as Lisa" said Julia.

"Yeah, you should do it" said Kayla.

"Please? For me?" said Julia.

"Okay" I whispered.

"Thank you" she replied, giving me the kiss on the cheek again, and a loveless hug, like a girl would give someone who was just a friend. It was at that moment, that I realized I had lost her.

* * *

 

As we neared the end of our tour of the U.K., Tina had one more publicity stunt up her sleeve. She went out, and got me a prescription, for estrogen.

"This is what men take, who are undergoing sex changes" she said.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Keep this jar in plain sight, on the bus. I'm sending in an anonymous tip about the band using drugs. You'll get searched, and all they'll find are these. Big headlines, guaranteed.

At this point, I didn't really care anymore.

"Whatever" I said.

Sure enough, the next day, we were pulled over by the cops. They searched our tour bus, and the only drugs they found were 'my' estrogen pills.

The next day, we filled the headlines again. "IT'S A BUST" said one. "DRUG BUST IS A BUST" said another. The articles all played on the word 'bust', insinuating that I was on estrogen, so I'd grow real boobs, and have a bust of my own.

"Is that true? Those pills make you grow boobs?" I said.

"They would really help make you look like a real woman" said Julia. She ran her hand down my face.

"You'd get smooth skin, like mine."

She touched me on the hips.

"You'd get a more feminine figure."

She looked me in the eye.

"They would really help you look pretty. I think you should start taking them."

"I don't know" I said.

"You have to admit Lisa," she said, using my female stage name for the first time in private, "the more you've become a girl, the more records we've sold. People love you like that. You should do it. You owe it to the band."

She worked on me for the next twenty minutes, and when she was done, she even had me thinking that I was better off being a girl. She even threatened that if I didn't do it, she'd get me kicked out of the band, and they'd hire a real girl in my place. I was so crushed! I couldn't lose my dream now, being so close to true stardom. I took my first estrogen pills that day, earning another kiss on the cheek from her.

I went to kiss her back, but she pointed to her cheek.

"We're girlfriends now. You can't kiss me on the lips anymore."

I kissed her on the cheek, and she smiled as she left. I stood there in my skirt, with my fake boobs, knowing that estrogen was now entering my bloodstream. She considered me her girlfriend now. I felt so lost, and so alone.

* * *

 

Now I traveled in female clothes all the time, to help with the publicity. I registered at the hotel as "Lisa", instead of my male name. We were ready to fly back to the U.S., and word came out: we had gone over the one million CD sales mark. We had gone platinum.

We were to attend a big ceremony in New York, at our record company's headquarters, which started at noon. I was back in my home country, but as a woman now. Everyone here already knew. They had seen the stories in the press from Europe. They were all *expecting* me to be a girl when I got off the plane. And they weren't disappointed. I had on a casual skirt and a pink sweater, since I always got cold on airplanes. I had fixed my makeup before leaving the plane, and they were all taking my picture.

 

"Put the girls up front" said the photographer, as we lined up for our pictures. I watched Kayla and Julia move to the front.

"You too!" said Tina, pushing me forward.

Juan stood behind us. He put one hand on Julia's shoulder, and one on mine. She turned to me, and I was hoping she would be telling me something nice, or that this would all be over soon, and I could go back to who I really was. I just hated it that everyone had accepted me as a girl so quickly. They all acted like I was a girl, all the time now.

"You've got some black things on your face from you mascara" she said. "Hold still."

She used her long nails to flick the little pieces off. I had been thinking of switching brands, because the one I was using had been doing this. Kayla recommended I get a waterproof mascara, so I was thinking of picking one of those up when I went to the store to get more moisturizer, which I was running low on.

 

After all the pictures, I was seeing dots in my eyes from all the flashbulbs. I went to get a drink, and mingle with everyone. There were members of the media there, people from our record company, our friends, and even Julia's parents. They avoided me, which hurt. I had been to their house so many times, and now they just ignored me.

I got a plate of appetizers, and turned, when I bumped into Ted, our producer.

"Hey Lisa, good to see you. You're very pretty tonight."

"Um, thanks" I said.

I didn't like feeling pretty like this. Everyone said I was a babe. Everyone said I was a beautiful lady. That just made me feel worse and worse. I looked up jealously at Juan, who was talking with Julia's parents as if they were old friends, with him having his arm around her.

"You know" said Ted, as he looked up to see what I was looking at, "that Juan was a great pickup for your band. He can really sing, he's a great musician, and he's got a great ear. He was quite a big help with suggestions for the mix down."

"Suggestions?" I said. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, he said to listen to some of the alternate takes on certain songs, and things like that. After hearing them, I erased some of the parts, and put the alternate ones in their place."

I must have turned ashen pale. I felt dizzy. It hadn't been Ted who had cut me out of the mix so much, it had been Juan! He had orchestrated everything! I looked up at him again, and realized that I wasn't being cut out of the mix just in the studio. I was out of the mix with Julia as well.

I felt so helpless! There was nothing I could do. I wanted to cry. I excused myself to go to "the little girl's room", where I sat down on the couch, and actually did cry.

I looked up when someone walked in. It was Julia, and my heart melted. After everything, I still loved her so much! I just wanted to be with her. She sat down next to me, and my heart raced.

"I know this has been tough on you" she said, "but things will change soon."

"Really?" I said, hopeful for the first time in quite a while.

"Yes. Now dry your eyes. Let me wipe off your face and fix your makeup. Hand me your purse."

"Here" I said, handing it to her. I always had it with me now, full of things like extra makeup, just for emergencies like this.

She cleaned my face, had me blow my nose, then she used my makeup to touch up my face, and restore it so that you couldn't tell I'd been crying.

"Now I've got a surprise for you. I wanted to leave this party early. Do you want to go?"

"Sure" I said.

"Follow me."

I walked with her down the hallway, so that nobody in the room would see us sneaking out from our own party. Julia led me out the back, where a black limo was waiting.

"Get in" she said.

I got in, with her right behind me. She sat down next to me, and squeezed my hand. That sent shivers up and down my spine. I longed for her touch so much!

"What are we waiting for?" I asked, since we hadn't moved yet.

"It will be just a minute" she replied.

Not too long after someone else arrived at the door, and got into the limo with us. It was Kayla.

"We're all here" said Julia to the driver. "Let's go!"

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"A girl's night out on the town. We're here in New York, and we're going to live it up. It's only 2:00, and this is 'the city that never sleeps'. This will be a fun night!"

"I can't wait" added Kayla. "Just us girls."

This wasn't what I had expected, but if I got to spend quality time with Julia, with no Juan anywhere in sight, it was a good thing for me. We rode through traffic, until the limo pulled up to a street corner.

"First stop" said Julia, "La Royal Spa."

I followed her out of the limo. They were expecting us, and ushered us inside. Once in the spa, everything was a whirlwind of activity. First, we all had our hair done. I got mine cut by a professional stylist, and at Julia's request, I went platinum blonde. My hair was longer than hers now, and this was the first time I had it really styled.

We had facials. We had manicures. We had pedicures. We got massages. We got our eyebrows trimmed and plucked. We were pampered, served strawberries and champagne, we laughed, we joked, and they made us beautiful. Julia even talked me into getting my ears pierced.

Next, we went to their upper floor, and we each picked out a new outfit. Julia helped me get mine: a little black dress that exposed a lot more of my leg than anything I had ever worn before. She got something similar for herself too, while Kayla picked out tight leather pants, and a silver and black skimpy top that really showed off her boobs.

Now we went back downstairs, and the makeup artists did our faces. She explained to me what she was doing, why she had picked the colors she did. When she was done, I couldn't believe how pretty she had made me look. I looked like a model, with the ultra smooth makeup job, and my new hair style.

Whereas before I had more of a messy mop of hair, now it was long styled into long wavy tresses, which curled up at the ends. They did a layered cut, and made my hair seem very full, instead of laying flat and straight, like Kayla's.

 

"What now?" said Kayla, as we strutted back into the limo, looking beautiful and glamorous.

"We're in the shoe capitol of the world! Lets go hit some stores, and get some shoes! Then we'll hit China town, and get some fake Pradas."

"We can afford real ones now" said Kayla.

"Yeah, but it's more fun this way!" said Julia.

 

We went into half a dozen different shoe stores, and tried on dozens of pairs each. Only a couple of stores had any shoes that would fit me, so a lot of the time I just watched Julia and Kayla jealously. I had to sit with my legs crossed at the knees, because otherwise you'd be able to see my panties, since my dress was so short! I didn't feel comfortable in it at all, but Julia reassured me I'd get used to it.

Finally, they took me to a place that had larger sizes, and I was able to go wild. I got for myself three pairs of high heel shoes, two pairs of boots, a pair of flats, a pair of moccasins, one pair of wedges, and two different kinds of flip-flops. I didn't know how often I'd find a store that had shoes in my size, so I guess I went a little over the top.

Now back before we were big, I would never have even considered buying a pair of shoes that cost $800, even if they were some fancy designer name. Now here I was, checking out with ten pairs of shoes, with a total cost of over $2500! Two and a half grand, just on shoes! I pulled out my platinum Visa card from my purse, and gladly signed for my new shoes.

In the limo, we all had to change into our favorite pairs we had just bought. I picked my opened toe heels. They were black, and went with my dress very well, and they showed off my shiny red toenails.

But the fun didn't stop there. Next, we went to a very fancy famous restaurant to eat. We noticed several famous celebrities. Imagine how it felt when one of *them*, a network news anchor came over to our table!

"I just wanted to tell you ladies that I really admire your work. Your CD is one of my favorites" he said.

"Thank you" I said.

The restaurant manager asked if he could take our photo.

"We put photos of all our famous guests on the wall."

We posed together, and his wife snapped our picture with her digital camera. We were going to be on the wall, next to all the other famous people.

A few minutes later, she showed us the large print she made on her computer, and asked us to sign it. Then she gave us each a wallet size version of the shot, which we put into our purses. I looked at the picture, and stared at myself. You couldn't tell that I had ever been a guy. I looked like a girl, just like Julia, just like Kayla.

After dinner, it was off to a Broadway musical. The show was a lot of fun, and very enjoyable with all the singing and dancing. Afterwards, we had coffee and cheesecake at a cafe on Times Square.

We got back into our limo, and now we drove uptown to a trendy nightclub. We drank, we danced, we had an awesome time. By the time we got back to the hotel, it was after 3:00am! I was exhausted.

The valet brought up all our boxes of shoes on his cart. First, he dropped off the ones for Kayla.

"Night, girls" she said. "That was a blast! We need to do a girl's night out more often."

Julia gave her a little hug, and did the thing where you fake kissing while touching one cheek, then the other. Kayla came up to me, and we did the same thing! I had never done that before, and it felt weird. I guess she had fully accepted me as a girl now.

We next went to my room, where the guy dropped off my pile of shoes (the biggest pile of any of us!).

"He's kind of cute" whispered Julia, as he unloaded my shoes. "Don't you think?"

I didn't say anything.

"Good night, Ma'am" he said to me.

Julia gave me a hug, and did the same kissing thing that she had done with Kayla. I watched her walk down the hall, heading to Juan's room. She was going to be with him tonight, and here I was, by myself. She was with him, and now, both she and Kayla thought of me as a woman, just like themselves.

I went to bed and cried.

* * *

 

A few weeks later, as we toured through Canada and the northern U.S., I saw a rumor in the entertainment section of the newspaper. It said that Lisa from All The Rage (i.e. *me*) was romantically liked to an unnamed member of the band's road crew from the tour. They said that I had a boyfriend!

This was a terrible development, but Tina insisted that any press is good press, and we should start floating this rumor even more! I was aghast, but I had become so passive now, that I didn't even try to argue anymore.

Maybe it was an effect from the estrogen. By now, I could really see a difference in myself. My skin had cleared up, and had become softer. I had gained weight on my hips and my butt, even as my breasts started to develop. It just freaked me out to see myself in the mirror, and see real boobs on my chest.

To keep the rumors going, Tina hired a guy to tour with us. His name was Serge, and he was a masseuse, so his official duty was to give us all neck and back massages to relax us before going on. But when we left the tour bus and walked into the arena, Tina orchestrated it for him to hold my hand. Once when the press was back stage, she had him sneak in and give me a kiss, which I was not expecting! But I couldn't blow up in front of the press. That would be bad. So I just took it, and didn't say anything. Again.

 

A month later, we were winding down the tour, and one day went very badly for me. First of all, I was out of my estrogen pills. I stopped at a pharmacy to get a refill, but they didn't have any left in the brand I normally used. They gave me a different brand, with an equivalent formulation.

I took one out to take with my lunch, and I just stared at the pill. It looked so familiar.

"Julia?" I said. "Look at this, the new brand of HRT they gave me. Doesn't this look like those vitamins you had me taking back when we were still rooming together?"

"I don't know" she said innocently. "I never really memorized what your vitamins looked like."

She didn't say it, but I knew it was true. She had put me on estrogen, way back at the start of the tour! Maybe that was why I had been so passive, and had allowed all of this to happen to me. Maybe that was why I had seemed to have lost all of my aggression. I looked at her, but didn't say anything. I knew her well enough, that I knew that she knew that I knew (if that makes any sense!).

That night, we had a press conference. A reporter asked a rather pointed question.

"Julia, since Mike has become Lisa, and he's dating a man, are you two officially not a couple anymore?"

There were laughs and snickers from the reporters, as I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat.

"Yes" said Julia. "Mike isn't a man to me anymore. He is Lisa, and I don't even think of her as a guy. It's hard to believe that she ever was one. I'm with a *real* man now. I'm with someone strong, masculine and, handsome. Lisa is history, now that she's a chick."

I wanted to die, as Juan got up, walked past me, and over to her. They kissed as the photographers snapped picture after picture. Then to make matters worse, Serge came out, and put his hands on my shoulders. I was too shaken to know what to say. I kind of tried to stand up, but the pressure from his arms kept me in my seat. I felt completely trapped now, as a woman.

* * *

 

The next day was just as bad. Before the show, Juan came over to talk to me alone.

"You're not pulling your weight anymore in the band" he said. "And you're not a hot enough chick to get the guys going. You need some real tits, sister, if you're going to attract the guys. You're not a good musician, you're not a good chick. You're through after tonight. You're out."

"This is *my* band" I said, as I tried to hold back the tears. "*I* let you join. You can't kick me out!"

"He's right Lisa" said a voice. It was Julia. "You're really slipping. I tried my best in New York to make you as pretty as I could manage, but if you are going to be a hottie like Kayla, you need to get some bigger boobs. You need to better yourself, so that you're good for something more than just getting us headlines."

"Please!" I said. "You can't do this. What do you think Kayla?"

"I think Julia's right. I'm with her and Juan."

I didn't even ask Robert. He wasn't speaking to me anymore, since I went over to the feminine side all the way. He told me that he had warned me, and that it was my own fault. He said I was weak. Now I felt weak. I felt like *nothing*.

 

"I tell you what" said Juan. "If you want to stay in the group, then you go out and get us a huge headline in the paper. I want to see articles tomorrow, talking about how you're leaving the tour, to go get a sex change operation."

"Juan darling, it's called Gender Reassignment Surgery nowadays."

"Whatever" he said. "You just better convince the press that you're leaving tomorrow to get it, whatever it's called."

He turned to Julia.

"Come on woman, lets go get it on before the show starts. I'm all hot for you."

Julia purred, and put her arms around him.

"Oh, I love what a *man* you are" she said to him.

I watched them walk off, already starting to take each other's clothes off, before they got to a private room. I wanted to throw up.

And now I had a tough choice to make: go get a surgery to become a real woman, or be thrown out of my own band. Juan had taken over my band. He had taken over my woman. And all that I could do was to watch.

I rounded up the press, and called an impromptu conference.

"I have a short statement to make" I said. "I will be leaving the remainder of the tour, as of tonight to go get treatment."

"Is this for drugs?" asked one man.

"No" I said. "We don't do drugs. What I am getting treated for though, is a condition. I am going to a clinic, so that I can get a Gender Reassignment Surgery. I'm going all the way. Thank you, I won't take any further questions."

 

I got up, walked away, went to the hotel, and packed my bags.

* * *

 

Julia came by the clinic to see how I was doing with my recovery. I hurt all over. They did a bunch of things to my face, and it was all swollen, and covered with bandages. I looked like a monster.

My chest hurt, now that there were two large bags of saline implanted under my little natural boobs. Instead of wearing a AA bra, I would need something in a D cup now. We decided that with the size of my shoulders, I needed D's to have the right proportions.

My butt and hips had implants too, to give me curves, and it hurt there a little. They also did liposuction to reduce my tummy. That was sore as well.

But the biggest soreness was between my legs. I thought they just cut your thingie off, but it is a lot more than that. It takes several surgeries, but what they do is to split it open, invert it, and make your vagina out of it. You can only imagine how that feels!

It would be months before I was 100%. I hurt all over. I had a strong painkiller dripping in my IV, and I was a little loopy I guess. Julia kissed me on the cheek, and I was so happy from feeling her touch, that I cried.

* * *

 

The tour went on as I was recovering. After a month, when I was better, I started practicing my guitar again. Two weeks past that, I was ready to rejoin the band. The tour had been extended, with another trip through the US, so I'd get a few more shows in before we went to write material for our next CD.

I flew to El Paso to join up with everyone. They were in rehearsal, when I walked into the room. Everyone stopped, and ran over to hug me. But I noticed something: in the spot where I used to be when I played, there was another girl.

She had long blonde hair, a sexy body, huge boobs which she showed off with her low cut shirt, and a way-to-short tight little miniskirt. She was playing a pink guitar.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Oh, that's Jeanne. We needed a rhythm guitarist after you left, and Juan knew her from music school. She rocks!" said Kayla.

"Thanks" replied Jeanne to her. "Nice to meet you Lisa. I've heard so many nice things about you. I think you're very brave to do what you've done. I don't know any man with enough balls to become a woman."

The others laughed, and I felt crushed again. This wasn't good at all. But at least I could get back, and take my spot in the band. I looked hot now, and they *had* to move me back to the front of the stage.

"I'm afraid not" said Julia, when I said this to everyone.

"Why not? What's the problem now?" I asked.

"Well, we have a contract with Jeanne" said Julia. "If you play, and she's out, we'll be breaking the contract, and we'll owe her a ton of money. Plus, the crowd *loves* her. She's even hotter than Kayla! Attendance is way up, and the album is selling again. We *have* to keep her in the lineup."

"But what about me?" I said.

"Here" said Juan, handing me a tambourine, and two calve sticks. "You can stand by that mike over there, play these to help with the rhythm, and do some background vocals. We'll need you to sing in the alto range, or soprano, if you can handle it."

"But I'm a guitarist!" I said.

"Not anymore. Jeanne is way better than you ever were anyway. You're our backup singer now. Oh, and don't forget to dance, and shake your behind. That's all you're good for now."

 

I let Julia lead me to my new place, a mike in the back, where I was expected to dance, shake my behind, sing a little, and play the stupid tambourine!

"Hey, turn her mike way down" said Juan to the soundman, after one song. "She's not that good of a singer, and she's ruining the mix!"

"And kill that tambourine" said Robert coldly. "You're throwing me off."

So now all I had was the chance to sing, with a mike that was turned off, and dance, as the others played the songs I had written.

I wasn't enough of a man to keep Julia, so she went to Juan. And I wasn't enough of a woman to be the second guitarist, so I had been replaced there by Jeanne.

I broke down, and really cried. I walked out of the rehearsal studio, never to return.

* * *

 

The band got a huge headline from me leaving the band. More publicity for them. I had nothing now. No girl, no manhood, no band, no fans, nothing.

I had enough money from my royalties to buy a comfortable home in the Hollywood hills. The band offered to buy out the rest of my contract, and I took the money. I'm set for life financially, but it rings hollow.

I give guitar lessons from time to time, but only to young women who want to get into the field. I'll never to anything to help a man again. I can't stand to be with men. I hate them, and I surround myself only with girlfriends.

Once I had everything. I was a rock star. I had a hot band, a top ten hit, a world tour, a girlfriend, fame, fortune, everything I had ever dreamed of. Now I was a woman, living alone, and I felt that I had nothing.

I always wanted to be a rock star, because I thought that they were the ones that always got all the chicks. I never imagined that by becoming a star, I'd end up as a chick. But that's what I am now. If you're a young woman who wants to learn how to play guitar, look me up. But if you're a guy, stay away. I don't want to be around anyone like you.

  

  

  

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