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Regrets And Might Have – Beens

by Danielle Richards

 

PART THREE

 

Once again I awoke in the hospital, even though I had rather hoped that all that had transpired was a nightmare and that I would wake up in my old bed and be able to go out and play baseball or go skateboarding or anything even remotely masculine. However that was not to be. I looked around my little personal chunk of Hell and noticed that nothing had really changed. I did, however, feel much better today and I noticed that sometime in the night, someone had somehow managed to remove my bandages without waking me. I would guess that the sneaky Doctor or one of his nurses probably added something to my IV to put me into a deeper drugged sleep. I wouldn't be surprised as everyone seems intent to constantly screw with me one way or another. I did notice that the IV was no longer attached so I assumed that they had run out of sneaky stuff to do with me. I did have a sore spot on my bum though and feeling it discovered a small bandage that wasn't there yesterday. So now what, some kind of an implant? Oh! Yea, the Doctor had mentioned that I would need on going hormone therapy for a while so I guess that must be what they put in me. It sure is nice to have no choice in the matter. I am not really sure how long I have been here but I may even be eighteen already and I should have been given forms to fill out and sign before anybody could do anything to me. Wait a minute! How was Mother able to get El Quacko to do anything to me without my signed release? I mean even if I was only sixteen they would be required by law to have my go ahead before any major operation. The only way that the Doctor would do anything is if he thought he HAD my release, which means my dear Mother must have forged those documents. Was she in deep shit or what? So was the doctor as ignorance was no excuse. I was alive and well so he could have asked me at any time but he didn't so he was up the same creek as my mother. So let's recap shall we; kidnapping, forgery, forced operation to change my sex, (I am not sure what you would call that? Criminal Assault?), and now keeping me here against my will. I looked over to the little night stand next to my bed and found paper and pen so I made my list of crimes against my Mother and the Doctor. Wow! Ol'Doc would, at the very least, loose his license and be open to all kinds of litigation by me. He would be paying me for the rest of his life. Now Mother dearest wouldn't have anything as all was mine as I was the only one working and I could prove it! So suing her wouldn't net me anything but I would sure see her off to jail, although she would probably only get probation for all of her heinous crimes. I believe you have to act against the state to get any serious time these days; everyone else just gets a slap on the wrist. What a bummer, I may have to get inventive to deal with her! I wonder how she would feel if I did the same to her. You know, kidnap her, drug her, take away her womanhood, and then pretend that I did it all out of love for her! Yea! Let's see how she would react to that.

I suddenly heard a soft little snoring sound and turning to the sound saw my mother sleeping in a big chair. I couldn't help but giggle at the sound as mother never snores you know. (Uh Huh!) My giggle must have woke her though as she slowly unrolled from her position in the chair and with a little groan stretched and turned to look at me. "How are feeling today Karin? Better I hope. The doctor thinks that you should be able to leave here today if you are up to it." She smiled her MOM smile at me and I felt something inside of me sag as I looked at this person who I loved so much that I freely gave up my childhood for her and knew that deep down I still had very strong feelings toward her. I mean she would always be my mother regardless of what happened between us. I was still very much pissed at her but I don't think I could ever hate her. Damn! I just didn't have that emotion in me. I don't think I would be in this situation if I did.

"How long have I been in here Mother?" I asked looking at her sadly.

"Not that long sweetie, only fourteen days. Things didn't take any where as long as everyone thought and you have healed up very nicely and there are no complications at all. Isn't that great?" Mother said happily.

"No Complications!" I yelled at her and she cringed away from me. "What do you mean no complications? You have stolen my manhood from me, ruined my chances of ever having a family of my own, and ripped my heart out and stomped on it with your cavalier attitude over all that you have done. On top of all that you have put the Doctor's very livelihood on the line by forging those documents for him to do what he has done to me without my permission. You do realize that I am now eighteen and as such he had to get permission FROM ME? When I am finished with him he won't have a practice and will be paying me for the rest of his life. He may not like that very much and try to come after you but as I am now in my majority all that I have made is now mine so you have nothing. Oh! If you have squirreled anything away from what I made you can be sure that my investigators will find it and I will get it back. You had no means but my income so it would be a bit hard for you to account for any large sums hidden away, now wouldn't it. Then there is my sister, where is she, is she even still alive, why haven't I heard from her for almost a year? I am sure that the police will want answers for those interesting questions. I don't know why I don't hate you for what you have done to me but I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I gave up everything for you and sis. I loved you both so much that I willingly gave up my childhood so that we could get back on our feet financially but that wasn't enough for you was it? You poisoned me with those Hormones knowing full well what they would do to me. You forced my body through a girls puberty just so I would continue to look the part to bring in all that money you craved, and in spending all that time on me to make sure I stayed your little girl you overlooked your real daughter and drove her to drugs and God knows what else. Do you even care what you have done?"

Mother had crumpled to the ground sobbing by the time I was only about half way through my tirade but I hadn't quit as I felt she needed to hear it all. I mean, by God, she had murdered Kevin to create Karin and I just had to know if she was actually aware of what she had done to her family.

I just couldn't stand to hear her sob out her soul there on the floor alone so I found myself, against my better judgment, going to her and enfolding her in my arms and started to rock with her as she had done with my sister and I when we were little children. She turned her head to place her head against my rather substantial breast and continued to wail out her soul. What could I do, she was touching me at the very depths of my new female emotions and I started to whisper endearments. "Shhhhh! There, there, Mother I still love you. All will work out somehow. We will get through this somehow. I don't know for sure how but our love will find a way. So come on now and stop your tears and let's get out of here and go home together okay?"

She looked into my eyes and saw the truth there and I heard her mumble wetly. "How ever did I deserve a child like you? You are a walking miracle in more ways than one. You are so precious to me Karin, and I am so sorry to have hurt you in any way. I…. I guess I lost it. We were finally living the life that I had always wanted for us to live and I just lost it. I don't think I will ever expect you to forgive me, and I know I will never, ever, forgive myself for what I did to you, but we have to go see the doctor before we leave as you need to know all the truth. I will never, ever, do anything but love you for the rest of my life and I will try with all my heart to make it up to you some how. I don't even know if that is possible. I came to my senses days ago after what you said the first time you woke up and I realized what you said was true and what a selfish person I had been but believe it or not there is actually a silver lining in this cloud covering our lives right now. There really is a God and he has allowed for my stupidity to bear some good fruit and your life may not be the Hell that I greedily put it in. So let's go see the doctor and he will tell you the wondrous news!"

All through this mother had been hugging me so hard I could hardly breathe as we rocked back and forth. She had stopped crying and was looking at me with such love that I broke down and all the anger and frustration that had built up in me came pouring out. Now it was my mother's turn to comfort me and all of a sudden all seemed right and I felt that we could carry on as a family. It would take time for me to fully trust her again but I felt that she had come to her senses and had already gone through enough Hell to more than make up for the Hell she had put me through. I felt that this was the mother I knew and loved returned to me and then I started to cry anew but this time in joy. My goodness, aren't us girls emotional?

We both helped each other to get up off the floor, looked at each other and broke up laughing. I imagine someone had thought that they were being nice and had put makeup on me and my mascara was running down my face as well as my mother's running down her face and we looked like a couple of clowns. We both made a beeline to the bathroom to repair ourselves and soon we looked the proper image of mother and daughter. I must admit we looked good together and there was no doubt looking at us that we weren't related. Well I guess I really was her daughter now after the operation. What I couldn't understand was why I wasn't still in a great deal of pain. I had heard that SRS was very major and the body took quite some time to repair itself from that much of an intrusion. I had apparently healed in two weeks. I do not think that was possible but maybe the doctor would shed some light on that. So our facial repairs finished we went arm in arm to the nurses station to have the doctor paged. The nurse seemed very happy to see us together again and gave us both a thousand watt smile as she pushed the buttons to page Doctor Garcia.

It didn't take long for the Doctor to appear and when he saw us together as obvious Mother and Daughter and a huge smile appeared from ear to ear on his craggy face. He came forward and enveloped us both in a huge hug as he told us how good it made him feel to see us together. Getting us to follow him he led the way to his office and after getting us settled in with beverages of our choice and comfortably seated he just sat behind his desk for a minute and just smiled at us. It was way too hard not to smile back so I did and looked to see mother beaming as well. "I haven't told her the news yet Doctor, I thought you should be the one to do that as you were the one to discover it and fix everything. You can also fill in the blanks as to what this all means to both of us and where we can go from here. "Mother said.

"Well thank you. I appreciate being the one to bring such good news to you both. Well first things first Karin, you should be aware that I was not so sure when your mother brought you here unconscious that what she asked me to do was what you might want to have done to you so I didn't do what your Mother wanted. I was going to just perform a minor cosmetic surgery that would conceal your penis and testes up inside your lower abdomen and fashion a faux vagina and labia from the excess skin left over. A very common and low invasive minor surgery requiring surgical glue and maybe five stitches to hold every thing in until the abdominal wall accepted the new tenants so to speak. This is where the most amazing thing happened. My scalpel slipped and I made a four inch incision just below your testicular sack, or at least where it had been. Imagine my surprise that you did not immediately start to bleed profusely. With minor suction provided by my nurse I opened the incision to have a look inside and I almost fainted dead away. As it was I believe I swayed a little as the nurse became alarmed. Thank God above that I have had such a long and illustrious career as I was able to pull myself together and proceed with an in depth perusal of what was most definitely a slightly under developed vagina which was nicely connected to all the other organs one finds in nice healthy young ladies such as yourself." He paused to grin at both of us what he had just said started to percolate through my numb mind.

"Do you mean that I have been a girl all my life and didn't know it? How is that possible? Why didn't I know, feel,…….?" I sort of drifted off in my questions as I realized that how would I have known, we had started the masquerade long before puberty so how could we have known. Maybe if Mother hadn't stuffed me full of female hormones I might have gone through a female puberty anyway. I must have said this last out loud for the doctor answered my question. "Well Karin, I do not think you would have gone through a proper normal puberty for either gender but without the hormones your Mother introduced to your budding body your female organs may have stayed dormant. The advent of a kick start, so to speak, of the hormones got your ovaries producing their own estrogen and soon your body was flooded with them. That is why you reversed puberty so fast and started having a female one. Now I know that this is not what you would have chosen if you where given the choice and I am sorry I did what I felt was necessary but if I hadn't you would have gone through your life as neither man nor woman and I just didn't think that was fair to you. I do hope you will forgive me. I have gone out on a limb here confessing this to you as I know that my very career is on the line here but I hope you will think very carefully about what I have told you before you do anything rash. I place myself in your hands young lady!"

Mother was obviously rocked that the doctor had no intentions of performing a SRS on me without my approval as she thought that a parents go ahead was enough. Live and learn. The out come for her was delightful as she loved having two daughters. Life would be so nice for all of them once her two children got over the shock of it and saw all the great possibilities. She didn't voice her thoughts though as she realized they sounded pretty one sided and she didn't want to upset Karin again. She was sure that her two daughters would figure it out by themselves. After all they had always got along so well before and this could only bring them even closer. She started to smile as she realized how God above had saved her and her family and she would fight all to maintain it this time. She had definitely learned her lessons well and was aware how close she had come to losing all.

While Karin's mother thought to herself Karin was doing a lot of soul searching. The doctor was quite sure that the female portion of his body may well have never matured enough without the input of the hormones that her Mother had fed her but was that an absolute? It could have very well happened later in life and caused all sort of health problems not to mention mental problems as he would have been split in two between genders. She shuddered at the thought! It was then that she realized that since the doctor had told her of her true gender status she had been referring to herself in the feminine! Well I am a girl now, a complete girl and I would develop into a real woman in time. "Doctor I hold no rancor over what you did. In fact I believe that I should thank you because God knows what could have happened down the road. You have shown me that you are an ethical man and I truly appreciate your candor. I do have one question though, I am eighteen years old now but physically I only appear to be about fourteen so I was wondering if I will maintain this discrepancy or will my body catch up as my female organs mature more?"

"I thank you from the bottom of my heart Karin you are a very special caring and loving person and I certainly hope your Mother appreciates how close she came to total ruin. In answer to you most insightful question I would have to say that you will probably always look a little younger than your biological age due to your late arrival on the female scene. As for the maturity of you female genital organs I would say that you could quite probably have a child in a year if you wish without any hardship to your system and you should be experiencing your period in about two weeks. So I would recommend that you get as much information about that as you can because it can be quite traumatic your first time. Your mother and sister should be able to get you through fairly unscathed. I do wish that you both have a very happy life from this day on and if you remember me from time to time please send me a card or letter as to how you are getting on as I feel almost like your Daddy!"

Well the old scoundrel had tears in his eyes so I scooped him up in one of my best bear hugs and assured him that I would keep in touch with him lots and he should consider himself my Godfather and I would be quite put out if he didn't call and write me as well. He returned my hug and turned and gave Mother one as well. He whispered something in her ear that I didn't catch but her face broke out in quite the beaming smile and she nodded to him and gave a kiss on his cheek.

I got my obligatory wheelchair ride to the front door and Mother and I got into the cab that was waiting for us and as we left I waved until I couldn't see anyone any more. Another chapter of my life was over and I was really looking forward to the next. Oh My! What was sis going to think? "By the way mother" I asked on the plane. "Where is sis and why haven't I heard from her for so long?"

"Oh my I am so sorry, I forgot to tell you and you haven't known for all this time. My God! My list of crimes just keeps getting longer and longer!" She started to cry again and again whatever it was within me reached out to her as I took her hand in mine and told her sincerely that it was no big thing compared to the other stuff and it was quite understandable that she would forget things.

"No! You are not going to let me off on this too. I have been a terrible mother but I promise that I will be a much better one from now on and I will do whatever it takes to get you and your sister to accept me as your mother again. As to your sister I had her placed in a sanitarium in upstate New York almost a year ago after she almost over dosed on drugs and very nearly died. I was so concerned for her that I am afraid that I did much the same to her as I did to you but in her case I feel I did the right thing and perhaps saved her life. I have visited her often and she seemed to be gradually getting better but I didn't dare say anything to you and throw you off stride just as you were starting out in your show business career. So I guess I was still enough of your mother then to think of you both and what was best for you both as all good mothers do! God! I hope I did the right thing, I am so unsure of any thing I did or will do. I don't know about anything anymore. Oh sweetheart, please stay with me, I need you now more than anything and if your sister hates me I just don't know what I will do!"

"Mother, please stop! You are driving yourself crazy! Yes, what you did with me was wrong, there is no way around that but we will work around that somehow okay? As for what you did with Sis, well that took guts and I am proud of you! It takes a lot of motherly love to use the tough love approach and now that sis is thinking clearer I just know that she will understand and love you all the more. You just wait and see, I know I'm right about this, so don't worry and stop putting yourself down. You made some mistakes, we all make mistakes, but as long as we learn from them then that is just part of life. We learn and move on and that's what we have to do, move on okay?"

"You are such a sweet angel! I don't know what I ever did to deserve you? I wonder, though, who's the parent now? You have grown up so fast and very pretty too! Oh my! Now I have to watch the boys around you and your sister because you two are so pretty. I'll have to get a baseball bat!" She giggled.

I laughed with her and I was so happy to see her spirits improve and our conversation from that point was all your typical mother/daughter stuff. It was great. I had my mom back and even though our relationship was different I found myself thinking that it was better and I could hardly wait till we got sis back into the family group and then it would be the three Muskateerettes! I giggled and then giggled again just because I had giggled. It infected mom and she started to giggle too even without knowing what I was giggling at. It was so kool!

 

After we landed and cleared through customs we collected our bags and went in search of our car. Mother had forgotten where she had parked! That caused another giggle mania but by using the electronic key we finally were able to follow the chirpy sounds to the car. I was exhausted! We loaded the car and drove to Crystal Mountain Sanitarium to pick up JoAnne. I was so excited as I had not seen her for over a year. I hoped she wouldn't freak when she saw me as anyone could tell, just by how I carried myself now, that I truly was a girl. No, not a girl, but a young lady. Yes I liked that, I was a young lady and I think I loved it. I hoped JoAnne was okay with having a new sister! We called ahead and let the staff know that we were coming and would be there in about thirty minutes. The head Shrink said that all was prepared and that JoAnne would be ready and that she was excited to be going home. We arrived in twenty-two minutes. I think mother had a bit of a lead foot but it was for a good cause. I let mother precede me so that JoAnne who see someone that she knew first before she had to deal with me. Mom and Sis had a beautiful reunion that brought tears to my eyes. As mom and sis went to the car I picked up her luggage and followed. We got to the car and I put the luggage into the trunk and then the moment I had dreaded for hours was upon me as mom turned to me and said to JoAnne, "Don't forget to say hello to your sister too," JoAnne turned to me with a puzzled look on her face, took one look at me and started to cry. "Oh mother! Tell me you didn't! You didn't kill my brother did you? Oh God! What have you done? I hate you! I hate you!" Of all the scenarios that had gone through my mind this was not one of them as I tried to pull JoAnne off of mom as she pummeled her with angry sobs punctuating each blow. Mother just stood there and didn't even try to avoid JoAnne's fury until she started to run out of steam. I looked up at the sanitarium and saw some movement towards us so I pulled really hard and managed to get Sis into the back seat and put her seat belt on. Then I had the task to get mom into the car on the passenger side as I rushed to the driver's side and got the car started and chirped away before the orderlies from the sanitarium arrived. Now you have to understand that I am not the best driver in the world…. Possibly maybe the worst but I got us out of there and about ten miles down the road before I pulled over to side of the road and looked at my family. My mother looked to be in some kind of shock and my sister was still crying. Well I better try to get mom back on an even keel. I reached over and took her limp hands in mine and started to rub them and I whispered "Mommy we need you! Joanne and I really need you, please come back you are scaring us. Where are you Mommy? Please come home, we are so alone here without you!" I raised my voice a little and tried to sound like a little lost child, "Mommy! Mommy please help me! Where are you? " Mother seemed to snap out of her funk a little, "I'm here baby, I'm coming!" I slid over to her and hugged her real tight while I kissed her all over her face. It took a bit but she started to kiss me back and then she broke down crying and hugged me to her as if I was her only life ring in a tempest of emotions! It would have wrenched the heart out of an iron statue it was that poignant. It sure brought Joanne out of her crying jag and she was looking around in a daze trying to determine where those piteous wails were coming from. Soon the door to the front passenger side opened and Joanne got in next to mom and we all scootched over to allow each of us room to hug mom. While mom was recovering I tried to give my sister the Reader's Digest™ version of my life for the last year. As I got to the end she interrupted with "No way! You are really my sister? No shit? I mean for real real? That is just too kewl, I have always wanted a sister, I mean I loved you as a brother because you were so nice and all but a kid sister is way kewler than a great brother! Oh man! You just wait; we will have some of the kewlest times ever! Sisters can do so much more together that brothers and sisters and with Mom too all three of us can go shopping together, go to movies together, and have the greatest conversations. We can talk about anything now. Oh Wow! This is just so kewl. You got to show me, I have to see. Please, it's kewl for sisters to see each other. Oh Wow! We can share the same bedroom and clothes and and and……." She was running out of steam and I could see that mom was back because she had this big smile on her face and tears of joy were falling down her face. So what could I do, I mean it was just us girls there so I pulled up my skirt and pulled down my panties right there in front of my family and God and the cows! Joanne was whispering that it was true over and over as she tentatively reached out and softly touched it. Well you no that just turned me on so bad that I just about creamed myself on the spot. I know, Kinky eh? Like I had no control and I got so wet that when sis actually touched me I was so slick that two of her fingers slipped right in! She gasped, I gasped, Mom giggled, I turned red as a beet and my kinky sister played with me. It's not as bad as it sounds as she just moved her fingers around a bit to find my clit to prove once and for all that I was a girl through and through when My poor body just couldn't take it and I had my very first orgasm. It rocked my soul and seemed to go on for ever as the warmth from my stomach radiated to the four corners of the universe searing every nerve an the way and making them all jangle. I smelled flowers of all kinds, I tasted honey on my lips, and my soul was rushing out of my vagina. It was intense and then it seemed to reverse itself and for another eternity I got the same rush again. When I finally came back to earth Mommy was clapping with glee, Sis was red as a beet root, and I was hooked on being a woman! I just couldn't help it though and I just had to ask sis if it was as good for her as it was for me. She looked stricken and her mouth moved up and down a couple of times but nothing came out. I laughed and told her I was so sorry for teasing her and it wasn't her fault because I was as tight as a piano string. I winked at her and told her, "thanks I needed that!" That made her laugh and she punched me in the shoulder and I cried out in mock pain and cried for mommy to protect me from my big old Meany sister. We all started to laugh and that was the turning point as we realized that all was really well and everything was going to work out. By the time we got home we were planning all sorts of things to do together and life looked pretty rosy. Total forgiveness is from the heart and if you truly love someone you can forgive them anything. Besides what had mom done that was so bad anyway? I now had the life I never even knew I needed. I had a loving mother, a nutty sister that I loved with all my heart and I was noticing boys, Oh no!

 

****FINI****

Hugs,

Danielle

  

Message to the readers from the author :

Hi everyone, Danielle here, just a quick note to all my readers out there. Many thanks for all the support shown me in the totally unexpected flood of E-Mails I received after I posted my first two stories. I have a few concerns that I would like to satisfy before I continue with the story. First off I wrote this story as a love story, a nice mushy family love story, with a T-G twist to fit in to the genre of other stories posted on this site. I have been a reader of this site for years and was appalled by the number of hate driven narratives. So I decided to get up on my soapbox and yell out that love can also be a driving force. Now, of course, where the story gets driven to is up to the writer and the reader just goes for the ride I know, but as a reader I decided that I would take the wheel for a little while. Now I mean no disrespect to the hundreds of other writers who have graced the archives with their offerings over the years, BUT! I for one can not understand how anyone, in all good conscience, would want to cause such heinous harm to their fellow man or women. Why is It that in all those hate filled passages the victim is most always the nice, unassuming, kind, caring, wonderful human that we all wish our spouses to be that end up on the dirty end of the stick. I, for one, wholly agree that an attitude adjustment in those that are the total opposite to those mentioned above is delicious retribution. To feminize and leave at the tender mercies of a society that believe women to be a sub-species, those that abuse and terrify those who are tender, weak (In comparison), and loving is, in my mind, a just and fitting sentence to be meted out. Those that think that women and other nurturing souls are beneath them and only necessary for propagation of the species and other more ornamental purposes and are their personal punching bags to receive verbal, psychological, and physical abuse should have to walk a mile in the high heals of those very same women. You have to realize that in their minds they would think that to be feminized and to have to live as one of those lesser beings would be hell simply because of the low esteem that they hold them in. One would not even have to do anything else to these people as they would do it all to themselves. I am sure most would choose to suicide rather then face a life like what they had envisioned in their own minds, and this shows them for the cowards and morally bankrupt people that they are.

On the other hand, those of us kind, considerate, loving, and understanding men who see women as equal partners in life or in some instances beings higher on the evolutionary ladder worthy of our admiration and even worship would find the experience of being feminized almost a religious experience and would welcome it. However it never seems to be that easy as the ones involved have to demean themselves by then torturing the poor soul and stripping away all that is inherently good from them. In fact the perpetrator of these evil deeds lowers themselves to the very same type of person that they espouse to abhor. I would think the clever thing to do would be to invite those of like persuasion to help visit appropriate justice on those who actually deserve it! Can you imagine the force of power for the good of mankind that would be created if men and women of like mind would join forces and rid this world of those who would perpetuate Evil? The mind boggles at the force of good that could be unleashed. Ah! Well! Dare to dream! Any way I will step down from my soap box now. I hope that I have not offended as that was not my intent. I am and always will be an admirer of women and am sad when some fall into the trap of hate. I think of myself as one of those enlightened men who think of most women as my peers. Then again I was born one, well both actually, as I am a true Hermaphrodite. Sadly I was born prematurely and many of my organs were not fully developed. Then to add to my sad mix my parents were appalled at my condition and appealed to the doctor to do "something". So at the tender age of eighteen months my female gender was ripped from my body and I became the heir that my father wanted. Then, to add even more acid to the wound, my parents divorced and I and my two siblings were cast into the system. It is so sad that I had no say in my mutilation as I would have cast the male gender aside. Well at least my mind stayed female. So now, half a century later I am trying to set things right and am a very happy transitioning pre-op transsexual. Isn't that tragic? I am now trying to put back together that which Nature had intended to be. Oh! And that operation that stole my better part….Yup! You guessed it; Sterilized me. So in one fell swoop I was denied both to be a Mother and Father. You can imagine the tears and prevecations shouted to the heavens over the years. I would imagine that my plight is not unique and for those of you out there with similar stories I can only grieve with you as I have not found one IOTA of reason behind it and have found nothing to ease the pain except the road I am now traveling. So wish me luck, and I'll wish you luck!

Hugs,

Danielle

So now without further interruption (except the occasional tear drop) on with the show!

  

  

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