Puzzled

by Jennifer White

  

Bert loved doing crossword puzzles. He was good with words, and knew the dictionary inside and out. He had always received straight A's in English class in school, and had won the spelling be every year. It was his way to relax on a lazy Sunday, sitting on the back deck, sipping an iced tea, and doing the crossword puzzle.

He liked the one from the New York Times, since it was among the hardest ones. But even that was no match for him; he would always solve it quickly. Sometimes he would get bored because it was too easy. But most of the people he knew laughed at his hobby. He couldn't tell them anything, without boring them to tears.

Bat that was before he met Lucy at his office. He met her in the cafeteria one day at lunch. He was doing the daily crossword in the Tribune, when he looked up to see her. She was sitting at the next table, wearing the cutest reading glasses, and writing with *pen* on a newspaper. Only very good crossword solvers would dare use a pen. She must be good.

He walked over, to make sure it wasn't something easy like a word search that she was doing. His heart raced when he saw that she was doing the same puzzle that he was working on.

"What's 28 across? I can't remember my Greek authors very well" he said, making an excuse to talk to her.

"Pliny the Elder" she said.

"Oh, I was thinking Ovid. But you're right. Thank you...."

"Lucy" she said, extending her hand.

 

From then on, they became friends. They started spending more and more time together. They would race each other to finish puzzles sometimes, or work together to solve a hard one, trying to get a better time each week.

Eventually, the friendship developed into something more, and they started dating. They were perfect for each other. Both were average in looks and height, but their intellectual attraction for each other was stronger than anything they had ever felt for another.

There was only one problem. Bert tended to be somewhat controlling. He wanted to do *what* he wanted, *when* he wanted. He could sometimes be inflexible. This drove Lucy crazy. He was almost perfect, but he just didn't like the idea of having a woman set a schedule for him. For whatever reason, he just couldn't let go.

She knew that if she couldn't fix him, this would doom their relationship. She contemplated what to do. She asked her other girlfriends what they did to tame their men, and she tried many of the old tricks on him. But it was to no avail.

 

One day, Bert had declined to join her and her younger cousin, on a trip to the local college campus to see a modern art exhibit. Mostly because *she* had scheduled it. Exasperated, she went with just her cousin Justine.

The art was wonderful, and afterwards, they went to a local coffeehouse for an espresso, and to get off their feet for a while. They sat, chatted, and watched the young people going by. They scoped out the guys, and giggled as Lucy suggested which ones would be perfect for Justine.

After caving in, and having a sinfully sweet chocolate desert, they decided to go browsing in some of the book stores. Lucy loved to read, and the book stores near a college campus always offered hard to find and off-beat 'alternative' literature. Things they just didn't stock in the bookstore chains.

They went into a couple of shops, where Lucy found a book from Anna Garlin Spencer, dating from 1920! She also bought a couple of books from modern authors that she had never heard of, but the young girl assured her to be worth the read.

In the last store they stopped in, Lucy found a book on feminism and the female mind. She bought that one too, even though it was very old and dust. It had obviously been on the shelf for a very long time, and they seemed glad to be rid of it. They gave her an extra 15% off.

* * *

 

Lucy read her books when she had a chance. She could really identify with the books on feminism, with the struggle to make men see women as equals. It was just like her relationship with Bert! If he would just see her as an equal, in every way, then he would be less controlling, and they could really be happy together.

Near the end of the feminism book, she found a surprise. Pressed between the last few pages was an old yellowing sheet of paper, with a crossword puzzle! She carefully took it out, and went to the copier in her den, which she used as a sort of home office. She copied the puzzle, and looked at the clues. At the top was a strange introduction:

 

Crossword for women only. A man's mind cannot solve this puzzle.

 

That sounded like a challenge that Bert would love to take up. But he might get freaked out about the 'for women only' part. So she trimmed the top off the paper, so the introduction was not visible. She put the copy of the puzzle in her briefcase, and would give it to him at work.

* * *

 

At lunch Monday, Lucy presented the puzzle to Bert.

"This is a very difficult puzzle. It is said that no man can solve this."

"I bet I can!" he said.

"Sounds like a good bet to me. Come over to my place tonight, and we'll see what we can do. I've got my copy too, and we'll race."

"It's a deal!" he said.

 

After dinner, the two went to their favorite spots in the living room: Lucy on the couch with her right leg tucked under the left, and Bert in the recliner. They got to work.

Lucy looked at the clues and laughed. It was rather easy for her, and she breezed through it. But Bert was sweating. These clues didn't make very much sense. It was hard to get even one word in there! He kept looking at 1 across. The clue was: "Dress color not to wear at daytime reception". It was five letters, and he figured that odd colors like green or amber would not be right. It had to be a basic color. Not red, yellow, orange or blue (wrong number of letters). It had to be brown, black, or white. Not brown, he never saw a woman in a brown dress. It had to be black or white.

He had no idea at all what color not to wear to an afternoon reception, but he decided that it had to be black. He wrote it in lightly, unsure of himself. Now he tried to look at the words going down, to try and find something that proved his guess right. He stared at the clues, but could not think an answer for any of them. One down should have been easy; it was just three letters, and he knew the first letter was B. The clue read: "You wear this for support".

He pondered it for a while, trying to think of what provided him with support. He glanced over to Lucy who seemed to be flying through the puzzle. Her tank top showed off her nicely tanned shoulders, and the thin straps barely covered those of her bra. Her bra! That was it! A three letter word starting with B that provided support! He put the letters into the boxes in the puzzle.

Then he realized something. The first question was about fashion. The second question was phrased in such a way that it suggested that the puzzle solver was wearing a bra. So this puzzle was one intended for *women*. No wonder she was so eager to race him. She would have a huge advantage.

If he were to solve this puzzle, he would have to think like a woman, because the clues were written that way. For example, number 6 across was "Your baby grows here". It was four letters, so he had been thinking 'crib' for the answer. But a baby grows in a mother's womb. He penciled in the letters lightly.

Number 7 down was "Your eggs come from here". He had been thinking of words for chicken, or market. But if it started with O, then it could be...ovaries! A perfect fit. He smiled. He was on the right track now! He just had to think like a woman, and the questions would be easy to solve.

He looked at 10 across: "It wraps around you". He imagined something that wraps around a woman. He pictured himself having something wrapped around him....a skirt! It fit, but he wanted to be sure. 10 down was "Do this to your legs". It started with S, and was 5 letters. Shave! Women shaved their legs.

He looked back at the M in womb, and number 8 down: "For your eyes only". What would he put on his eyes if he was a woman? Mascara! He eagerly put the answer in. Now the questions didn't look so hard after all. They looked easier and easier. The last A from 'mascara' had the clue "You, at early age", 5 letters. If he was a woman, than at an early age, he was....a girl. It was common to put two or three words together in a crossword answer, and 'agirl' fit perfectly.

And if he was a woman, then the clue "Yours are fallopian" would be 'tubes'. And "Where you keep your things" would be 'mypurse'. He was going faster and faster now the answers coming very easily. He was down to just a few questions now.

One was "Your other lips". He had been stuck on that for a while, but now it made sense to him. If he was a woman, he had another set of 'lips' down below. His labia. It fit perfectly. And the b in labia made him realize that "Your deepest dream" was 'ababy'. A woman wanted to have a baby. He could imagine holding one in his arms, having it suckle from his breast. Then he would really need a bra for support!

He looked up to Lucy, who looked to be still working on her puzzle. She was lucky to have as nice of legs as she did. Her skirt really showed them off. It was too bad that his legs weren't as nice. He would be too shy to wear a skirt that short. He would prefer a longer one.

He looked back down at his puzzle, but something bothered him. His legs just felt uncomfortable. He really needed to shave them, just like the clue in the puzzle had suggested. They would feel much better if they didn't have all that awful hair.

He filled in 'lipstick' for "Always bring it with you (part 1)", and wondered if the shade Lucy was wearing would look good on him. Perhaps a darker shade would suit his skin tone better. He realized that "Always bring it with you (part 2)" had to be 'tampon', and part three was 'nailfile'.

Why didn't he have any of those in his purse? He suddenly felt naked without them. What if he started his period today? Well, at least Lucy was there. He was sure that she would have an extra one for him, just in case.

 

The puzzle was nearly complete now. He looked up to see Lucy laugh at one of the clues, and he wondered which one it was. He filled in 'men' for "They're hard to understand", and 'pumps' for "Your favorite shoes". He looked at the shoes that Lucy had kicked off when she sat down. They were really trendy, with the latest style. He wanted a pair just like them, for himself. Maybe when they were done with this, they could go out shopping. There was a sale at the mall, so he could get a new skirt too. He couldn't think of a single thing he had in his closet that seemed appealing to wear.

There were just two clues left. "Undies under your dress" had to be 'panties', and the last clue suddenly made sense. "What you are" had to be 'awoman'. There! The puzzle was done!

"Done!" said Bert. "How about you?"

"Oh, I've been done for an hour. I just wanted to see if you could finish the puzzle. It was said that no man could complete it."

Bert handed it over, proudly. Lucy scanned it, and sure enough, it was complete and correct.

"Wow, you did a great job. I'm proud of you!"

"Thanks" he said, "But you did it much faster than me. You are clearly the better puzzle solver."

She blushed at the praise. He never handed out praise freely.

"There's a sale at the mall" he said, "and I was thinking of getting some new shoes and stuff. Do you want to go shopping, or is there something that you'd prefer to do?"

Lucy was shocked for a moment. He never spoke to her like that! He was asking what she wanted to do? And what he *wanted* was to go shopping? She smiled. This was almost too good to be true.

"Sure, lets go. I'll get my purse" she said.

Lucy put her shoes back on, and noticed now Bert was staring at them.

"What kind are those?" he said.

"Nine West" she replied.

"Lets stop there first."

"OK, we can do that" she said, unaware why he would want to go to a store that specialized in women's shoes. But she was happy at how well he was listening to her while they were driving. He even let her drive, and didn't criticize her choice of route, or when she stopped on a yellow light. He was normally an aggressive driver, and he got frustrated when she drove what she called 'safely', but he called 'slowly'.

Once at the mall, they walked over to the shoe store, where Lucy had bought her Nine West shoes. Bert looked at a few pairs, then picked up one, and waited for a sales clerk to come over.

"I'd like to see these in black, in a size 12" he said. As she went to the back, Lucy questioned him.

"But I wear size 9" she said.

"But I wear 12s" he replied.

"No you don't you wear 10s."

"A men's 10 is the same as a women's 12" he replied, shaking his head. You would think that she would know that!

"You want those shoes for yourself?"

"Yes! They're so cute! I want a pair, just like yours."

"But these are women's shoes!"

"Duh!" he said. What was wrong with her?

"You want to wear women's shoes?"

"Of course! I need something to go with the skirt I'm going to buy. I need a whole new wardrobe actually. I just don't have a thing to wear."

Lucy was scared. What had she done? Something was drastically wrong with Bert. He seemed to think he was a woman! He wanted to wear a skirt? The color drained from her face as she thought of the label for the puzzle she had cut off: "Crossword for women only. A man's mind cannot solve this puzzle."

A man's mind couldn't do it...but a woman's mind could. And Bert had solved it. That would mean...that he had a woman's mind now! And he was acting like it. She had to get him out of there before he did something very embarrassing.

As soon as she had her shoes, she pretended to have bad cramps.

"Ohh, I need to get out of here. I think I'm starting my period, and I'm cramping really bad. Lets go home."

"I know what you mean. I hate it when that happens" he said. He was carrying his shopping bag like a woman would, and Lucy was eager to get him out of the store before he spotted the cute purses on sale in the corner.

When they got to the car, Bert offered to drive, and she accepted. She was amazed that he drove more like *she* did, than the aggressive behavior he normally showed behind the wheel.

 

Once they returned, Bert was eager to try on his new pumps. He put them on, and posed for Lucy.

"They're so cute!" he cooed, as he strutted around, with her purse thrown over his shoulder.

"Bert, come here, and sit down please" she said.

He sat down, kicked off his new shoes, and sat with his left leg tucked under his right one. In the way that *she* liked to sit.

"Bert, you're acting strange" she said.

"How so?"

"You're acting like a woman."

"So?"

"That doesn't seem wrong to you?" she said.

"No...why would it. What's the matter?" he said.

"You're a man!" she said. She was very upset now, on the verge of tears.

"A man? No Lucy, I am not. My body might look like I am, but really, in my soul, I'm a girl. Just like you."

"Bert! Please stop this! Just act like yourself again!"

"This is me" he said. "But you know, that name just doesn't sound right for me anymore. Please call me Roberta. That's how I think of myself."

"But Bert..."

"Roberta" he corrected.

"Roberta. You're scaring me. I need a drink."

"Not if you're starting your period. You'll be sorry in the morning."

"I'm not on my period. I lied to get you away from the mall, before you embarrassed yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"You were going to try on skirts! Can you imagine what people would think?"

"Hopefully that I have a good figure, and that it shows off my legs well."

"No! They'd think that you're a man in a skirt, and that you must be a fruit or something!"

Bert started crying. Lucy didn't want to hurt him, but she couldn't take it, the way he was acting.

"You think I'm ugly and fat" he sobbed.

"That's not what I said" she replied.

"But its what you think. I wish I was pretty like you, but I'm not. I'll never be beautiful like you. I'll just grow up to be an old maid."

"Bert...I mean Roberta, stop it. You're not fat, and you're not ugly."

"Then why won't you let me make myself pretty? Why don't you want me to wear pretty clothes?"

"Is that what you really want?"

"Yes."

 

Lucy decided to take a chance. Maybe if she got Bert all dressed up, he would be shocked by the sight of himself in women's clothes. She would play along for now, then shock him at the end.

* * *

 

'Roberta' emerged from the bathtub full of luxurious scented bath oils, having shaved 'her' legs, chest, and armpits. Lucy had promised to treat her like a girl, and would refer to Roberta as 'her' and 'she'. They would just be two women.

Lucy had laid out a set of panties, a bra, and pantyhose for Roberta. She eagerly put them on, then donned a bathrobe before walking to Lucy's bedroom. Lucy started by stuffing the bra full, to the bursting point.

"Did you put a maxipad into your panties, in case you start your period today?" said Lucy.

"Yes, I saw the one you left on the counter for me" replied Roberta.

Lucy shook her head. Not even the thought of a period, which usually freaked men out, seemed to scare Roberta in the least. She handed a lace up girdle to Roberta.

"I wore this for a wedding where I was a bridesmaid. I put on ten pounds, and needed to keep myself thin looking to fit into the stupid dress. I think it will be good for you to wear."

She pulled the laces as tight as they would go, and watched as it gave Roberta the look of curves by forcing the waist to be thinner, with the surrounding areas now wider by comparison. Now when Roberta put on a skirt and zipped it up, 'she' had the look of curves, which made the skirt look much better on her than it would have been otherwise.

Lucy dug out a top she had, which had been a present from her aunt. It was several sizes too large, but she had been reluctant to give it away, since it was a gift from a loved one. It fit Roberta perfectly. Roberta put on her new shoes, and admired herself in the mirror.

"Now for your makeup" said Lucy. She sat Roberta down, and started to apply makeup. She put on quite a bit more than she would wear herself, but she wanted a shocking effect. Therefore, too much makeup was better than too little. Roberta seemed receptive to the idea, and did not protest at all. Not even when Lucy did her nails in the brightest red color she had.

Even the spray of perfume, or Lucy putting jewelry on 'her' didn't make Roberta flinch in the least. She even seemed to *love* it. Lucy then worked with what little hair Roberta had, using a lot of hairspray to tease it into place. She made it look spiky, and as feminine as possible.

Roberta examined the results in the mirror. She looked as close to pretty as she could, given her male body type, and manly haircut. It looked like a man in women's clothes, but Roberta was overjoyed at her new look.

"I am pretty! I feel so wonderful! I'm never going out without a skirt again! I'm never going without makeup again either!" she said.

"Roberta, if you're a woman, tell me something. Do you want to be with a man or a woman?"

"In what way?"

"In bed"

"Lucy, I'm a woman! What kind of question is that? Are you making a lesbian pass at me?"

"Are you a lesbian Roberta?"

"Of course not!"

"Then you want to go find a man for yourself?"

"Duh! How will I ever be a mother if I don't have a man?"

"So you want to lay on your back, make love, and have his sperm fertilize your egg?"

"Then the baby can grow in my womb. I'll raise her, love her, teach her, nurture her. I hope its a girl."

"But Roberta, what do you have between your legs?"

Roberta put her hand down there.

"Oh, I've got a bump of some kind. I had better see my OB-GYN to have that looked at."

Lucy was at her wit's end. She had tried everything to shock Roberta, but it was useless. Roberta was convinced that she was a woman!

"Its getting late Roberta. Lets go to sleep. We can talk about this in the morning."

* * *

 

When Lucy woke up in the morning, she looked in the guest bedroom. Roberta had already been up, and had neatly made the bed. She could hear noises downstairs, so she headed down.

Lucy found Roberta in the kitchen. Roberta had already showered, and dressed up in a very feminine outfit. She was cooking breakfast, with poached eggs, English muffins, and assorted fruits. Fresh coffee and orange juice were poured into cups at the freshly set table.

"Have a seat" said Roberta.

They two ate together, then Roberta insisted on cleaning up the mess.

"Oh, I chipped my nail polish. I need a touchup" she said, shaking her head.

After she fixed her nail, she asked Lucy to come sit down with her.

"Lucy, I'm afraid I told you a little fib last night."

"What's that?" said Lucy. She hoped that this might be what she had been waiting to hear.

"Well, I was in denial, but over night I did a lot of thinking. I was trying to deny the truth, but you pointed it out to me, and after all the soul searching, I have to agree that you are right."

"That you're a man?" said Lucy.

"No, that I have feelings for you. I've never been a lesbian, but I definitely feel something for you in my heart. I think that I'd like to give it a try. I love you, and want to spend all my time with you. Lets start slow, and see where it goes."

Lucy's mind raced. On the one hand, ever since Bert had become Roberta, he had acted like the ideal partner to her. But she didn't want to be with a woman. She wanted a man. But an idea grew in her head.

"Roberta, I'll do it, but you have to promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"You know how with lesbian couples, one of them tends to be 'butch'? I want that to be you. When we go in public, or at work, I want you to wear men's clothes, and act manly. When we are home alone, you can be feminine. But if you're willing to be the butch one in public, then I'll agree to do it."

"So you want me to act like a man when we're with others, but I can be my true self in private with you?" said Roberta.

"Exactly."

"If that is what it takes, then that is what I will do. For you my love."

Lucy grabbed Roberta's hand. Her heart beat faster and faster. The two lovers looked into each others eyes. Their lifelong partnership had begun....

  

  

  

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