The Promotion of the Millennium

by: Terri Main

 

"The greatest promotion idea I ever saw resulted from a bad carburetor and a bottle of spilled make-up," Ted Towers paused a moment to dig into a mountain of whipped cream, nuts, cherries and ice cream, "And to top it off, we never completed the promotion. If we had, I would be in the advertisers Hall of Fame, have written a best selling book and retired on the movie rights.

Ted had us hooked and he knew it. With an introduction like that we had to listen.

It was our annual Can-You-Top-This-Advertising-Story contest at Morton’s Ice Cream Parlor just two blocks off Madison Avenue. We escaped the plenary session at the National Association of Advertising Agencies Convention on computerized billing systems. The only reason we came to these boring conventions was to get together and swap war stories.

Ted Tower, Parker Williams, Jeff Chambers and myself Charlene Garland all graduated from New York City College with degrees in marketing back in the early seventies and went to work on--The Street. (There is only one street in advertising. Madison Avenue). Since then we scatters. Ted's in Los Angeles, Jeff works out of Chicago, Parker's still in New York. And, I'm in the City by the Bay. San Francisco.

Aside from Christmas cards, these annual meetings were the only way to keep in touch. Of course, we miss a few. Last year, for instance, Ted was on his honeymoon and I had to preside over a supermarket opening in Castro Valley. With a two year break we had lots of stories to tell. A few of them were even true.

Ted listened quietly to ours, then he started his. Ted was a master storyteller, especially when he talked about the "Big Ones" that got away. Of course, those two Clio's sitting on his desk proved not many got away.

"Okay, Ted," said Jeff "With a set up like that this one had better be good. not like the one about using the world's largest hang glider to land a Ford Truck on the White House lawn."

"It hadn't been for those anti-aircraft guns, it would have worked. But, this is the God's honest truth. Okay, I've been a little creative with he facts before, but this really happened."

He held up three fingers in what was supposed to be the Boy Scout pledge. Of course, he got the wrong three fingers.

At this point Ted became serious. "Before I start, I want to explain something. I've changed the names in this story and a few details. Even so, you might be able to piece together the identities of some of the people involved. So, I'm going to swear you to secrecy. If this got out it could hurt a lot of good people."

This was a new technique and a good one. We agreed with mock solemnity and settled down to hear a good one.

"It started six-no-seven years ago. We were bidding for a top name cosmetic account with five other agencies. Let's call the company Cosmo Girl Cosmetics. The president of the company was a big Texas Oilman who bought the company to round out his portfolio. Let's call him Tex.

"He made his fortune with a sort of bold bravado, and he expected the winning promotion to reflect the same kind of boldness.

" 'I want this promotion to be so hot,' Tex drawled, "you don't have to slip it on the barbecue to hear it sizzle.'

" It was the biggest account to come along since I opened the agency. I wanted it so bad I could see the commission checks in my dreams. The winning promotion had to be big, it had to be hot, and it had to be just a little bizarre to sell this outrageous Texan.

"Like I said, I have a bad carburetor to thank for the winning idea. One of our junior copywriters, a timid little guy--We'll call him Christopher--got up one morning during the contest to find his car broken down. The mechanic told him he needed a new carburetor and it would cost him $200 to fix the junk heap Chris drove. He didn't care much for contests, but he needed the money so he entered this one.

"Chris was an OK copywriter. He was fast. He used expressive language . He could sell a product in a few words. But he was short on imagination. Oh, he had good ideas, but they didn't have any scope. He'd invent the pyramid and make it six inches high. We kept him busy writing catalog copy.

"About a week into the contest, Chris came into my office, staring at the floor and shuffling his feet. He had a file folder in his hand.

" He said, 'Mr. Towers, I don't know if you found a winning idea yet. I'm sure you did. And this probably isn't any good, but I'd like to enter it. That is if somebody better hasn't already won.'

"With this he lays the file folder on my desk. i open it and find myself looking at this gorgeous brunette. She had long, jet black hair, luscious lips, expressive eyes, a creamy white complexion with a touch of blush in her cheeks. she had a haunting quality about her. She smiled without hardly parting her lips. Her eyes spoke of hidden desires in a language too mysterious to decode without the Rosetta Stone she kept locked in her soul. She also looks strangely familiar.

"She was obviously wearing Cosmo Girl makeup. It gave her skin a radiant natural glow. I know, that's what we write for all cosmetics, but in this case it was true.

"The girl made perfect signature model for the line, but Tex was looking for something other than just a new model.

"I took one last look at the girl and wondered how Chris the Wimp ever met her. i also wondered if he would introduce us.

"But reality beckoned. I said 'Chris, she's lovely, but we need something more than a signature model.'

"Chris started fumbling with something in his hand. Chattering to himself as much as to me. 'Oh, I knew I'd mess this up. I shouldn't even try. Look at the other picture.' It was a picture of chris. I notice a resemblance, I still didn't get it.

"I was trying to think of a way to tell Chris we couldn't hire his sister because of company rules about nepotism, when he explained.

" 'I spilled a bottle of that makeup on my desk the other day. When i wiped it up, a little got on my hands. I noticed how smooth and silky my skin looked. then I remembered those Joe Namath Pantyhose ads a few years ago. Joe wore the pantyhose and said something like, "If they look this good on my legs, imagine what they'll look like on yours." Don't you see? That's me in that picture.'

"I looked at the picture again and I couldn't believe it, but it was obviously true. Chris was a short, slight, unimpressive man, but he was definately masculine. The make up smoothed out the lines, concealed his beard, and softened the texture of his skin. As a man, Chris was blah, but as a woman he was stunning.

"'What do we do,' Chris continued with growing enthusiasm, 'is we get a female impersonator to wear the make up and run the before and after shots with the caption, "Cosmo Girl can make any face beautiful." '

"As usual Chris had discovered a monumental idea and packaged it in a matchbox. My mind was already running ahead. I could see a promotion of historic proportions. I saw my name in the advertising textbooks. I saw myself receiving awards, speaking to advertising conventions, lecturing at Harvard Business School, guesting on TV talk shows.

"I called Tex and told him to drop what he was doing and get over to my office pronto. I told him we had the biggest promotion idea for him since the Heavenly Host did a jingle for the Nativity.

"He grumbled and said it had better be good, because he had important business to attend to. I heard the 'important business' giggle when he said that.

"I called Carol into the office and dictated the preliminary proposal. She had it typed and waiting on my desk by the time Tex arrived.

" 'So, what's so all fired important that it can't wait,' he grumbled as he lowered his 300 pounds into a chair.

"I launched into my pitch. 'Tex,' I started, 'Imagine what would happen if tomorrow, Christy Brinkley or another top fashion model--'

" 'I prefer Cheryl Tieg,' he said 'That little filly really gets my heart pumpin' if you know what I mean.' He punctuated his meaning with a lewd wink.

" 'Okay, let's say it was Cheryl Tiegs,' I continued with as much patience as I might muster. What do you think would happen if she called a press conference tomorrow, pulled off a blonde wig and revealed she was really a man in drag, and that she owed her famous face to Cosmo Girl Cosmetics.'

"It took him a moment to catch on. He was obviously disturbed by the idea that Cheryl Tieges might be a man. Then he leaped out of his chair."

'Why, son, the sales of Cosmo Girl would go into orbit,' he screamed

" I had him hooked, and I was ready to reel him in. I handed him Chris' photo.

" 'Now, there's a little filly I'd love to have in my corral,' he said. How dense can this guy be? I thought."

" 'Well, Tex,' I said, 'That little filly is a stallion.' I handed him Chris's male photo.

"The idea was so outrageous, the pictures so remarkable, that he jumped on the promotion immediately. He signed the representation contract on the spot. When he left, I sent for Chris.

" 'Chris,' I said, 'Here's your bonus check. But I've changed the concept slightly. We're putting together an entire campaign around your idea. We're not using the magazine layout just yet. Instead, we take this model and hype him-or-her. Let's say her for now. She becomes the Cosmo Girl. Ad layouts in the top fashion magazines, personal appearances, TV commercials, billboards, posters, talk shows, the whole route. Her name will become a household word. Then we reveal she is a he'

" 'It'll be the marketing shot heard around the world. People will love it, and it will drive home the point that any woman can become the Cosmo Girl.'

" Chris was astonished at to see how his little idea had grown.

" 'Well, Mr. Towers,' he said turning to leave, 'It sure sounds good. Thanks for the check. I hope you find the right man for the job.

" 'Chris,' I said, 'We found the right man--you.'

" He turned and faced me. His eyes opened wide. A mixture of surprise, fear and a touch of pride flashed through them in a split second.

" 'But Mr. Towers, I'm no professional actor or model or whatever. I can't even set still for snapshots at the family picnic.'

" 'Well,' I said 'you sure did a bang up job on these pictures. Look Chris, you're the perfect choice. You're an ordinary guy. You're part of the agency, so we can trust you. And we know you look beautiful. It'd only be three-four months at the most. You'd work as a model during the day, resume your own life at night and on the weekends. It would be great fun. It would also mean a lot of money, too. A top fashion model makes $2000 a day. You'd work 10-15 days a month. Then, there are residuals from commercials, royalties for endorsements, promotional products, etc. Over four months, you'd probably make over a quarter of a million.'

"You tell a man he'll make in four months ten times what he made all last year and you've got his attention. I could see it in Chris' eyes: a new car instead of a carburetor, a home in the suburbs instead of an apartment in the city, a good retirement. I could also see the lure of the glamour. I had awakened the sleeping adventurer.

"Tentatively, he said, 'It would be only a few months three or four at the most. And I'd return to myself at night and on weekends.'

" ‘Certainly,' I said. I meant it at the time.

" Chris took a deep breath and said, 'Alright, it might be fun at that. Boy, wait till the guys down in the catalog department hear this one.'

" 'Chris,' I warned, 'you understand that you're to tell no one about this until after the promotion is over. Only you, me, Tex and one makeup artist will know.'

"That was my first worry, but not my last. To get Chris ready for the life of a high fashion model. He had to learn to walk, talk, eat, drink, gesture and even think like a woman. He had to learn about women's fashions from the skin out so he wouldn't slip up and call a garter a girdle. Chris' cover had to be perfect for the promotion to work there could be no hint of masculinity in his new identity.

"To make things simple, we called the new model Christine, so we could use "Chris" for both the copy writer and the model.

"Christine took on a life of her own. She had her own personality. She was different in every way from Chris. She was confident. She stood erect and proud. She spoke without qualifying. She moved easily on stage and in front of the camera.

"Christine became an accomplished model. She learned how to express a full range of emotions. She became everyman's dream girl and every woman's dram for herself.

"Cosmo Girl sales exploded. Christine excited the public's imagination in a way none of us expected. She was the ultimate mystery lady. Even our phoney biography couldn't quench the public's thirst for information about her. We didn't need to hype her. The press did it for us by reporting hundreds of "untold" stories about Christine's "mysterious" past and "secret" lovers.

"This unforeseen curiosity caused our first serious problem with the campaign. It happened about two months after we introduced Christine to the public. We caught a photographer from the National Tattletale skulking around outside Chris' apartment at night. We think he was hoping to see some man slipping out after midnight.

"He didn't find out anything, but it showed how vulnerable the promotion had become. Chris could no longer play woman by day and man by night, she would have to finish out the promotion as Christine day and night.

"First, we rented a new apartment downtown. It was a luxury penthouse decorated appropriately for a top fashion model. The decorator emphasized feminine concepts throughout featuring pinks and whites, lace and chintz.

"The apartment was the easy part. the hard part was telling Chris the new ground rules. He didn't take the news well. I didn't know the little guy had that much fire in him.

" 'I don't mind playing Christine in front of the Camera,' he said, 'but my home life is my own.'

"The promise of more money, a Mercedes convertible and the absolute guarantee of only three more months finally prevailed.

"We stored Chris' male clothes, records, photos. We erased all evidence of Chris' masculine existence. Chris was to only use his feminine voice even when alone as a precaution against bugging. And, of course, Chris had to stay in full makeup till bedtime.

"Chris finally adjusted to the situation, and Christine's fame continued to grow. Chris confidence in the role also grew. At times, I think he forgot he was really a man.

"We moved into the sixth month of the promotion. I know, we promised Chris it would all be over in three months. But, Christine had established Cosmo Girl as the leading Cosmo Girl as the leading cosmetic line in the country. Of course, the longer we established Christine as the top female model in the country, the greater the promotional value of the eventual unveiling.

"Tex heard about the Most beautiful Model in the World Contest. It came up in about three months. He had his heart set on Chris entering and winning.

"You wouldn't believe the logistical problems we faced with that one. One of these days I'll tell you how we handled the bathing suit contest.

"Christine hod more control than Chris, but she didn't react any more positively than Chris did.

"There was a slight tremor in her voice as she pleaded with us to close off the promotion immediately.

"'I don't think I can survive another three months,' she said in a whisper. The shadow of Christopher's voice mingled with that of Christine as she spoke.

"What do you mean by that? I asked.

"I can't really explain it. I just feel like I'm sliding down a steep hill, and if I don't turn around immediately, I'll be totally absorbed. I feel like I'm being sucked into something bigger than myself. It just scares me."

"I could see the whole promotion unraveling. So, I cut her short. 'Look, this will pass,' I said, 'The company needs you. I need you. Right after the contest, you can have a full month's vacation. At the earliest possible moment, we'll have the grand unveiling. It'll only be four months more at the most. Then we can both retire, and enter the history books.

"Chris' eyes softened a bit, 'That mean's a lot to you' she said.

" 'More than life itself,' I said half seriously.

"Chris looked down at her dress, at her long sculptured nails, the purse laying in her lap and then with a sign of resignation said, 'Alright, but this is the last delay.'"

"I felt like a major league heel. When it all started, Chris was just one of a dozen copywriters on my staff. I barely knew him. But, I became friends with Christine. I admired her confidence, her drive, her ability to gain pleasure from just living day by day.

"Chris never again said anything about life as Christine. She threw herself into her work during the next three months. It was as if she put something behind her, and saw something else ahead of her.

"Chris won the Beautiful Model Contest, and being true to my word, I gave her a vacation.

"Cosmo Girl sales jumped again following the contest, and even adventurous Tex was becoming loathe to break with a winning formula too soon. He was set on pushing the date of the grand unveiling another three months down the road to the first anniversary of the promotion, which happened to be the same day of the annual stockholder's meeting.

"I hated to tell Chris of another delay, but I called her before she left for the airport. She took the news with uncharacteristic calm.

"'I'm used to delay's by now,' she said. Then, almost to herself, 'It hardly matters now anyway.'"

"The Monday after she returned, Chris came into my office. I didn't realize how much I missed my top model until I saw her standing there. I had to remind myself,as usual, that this beautiful creature was really a man.

"I even remember what she was wearing. She wore a simple read dress med of some light weight knit that clung to those familiar artificial curves perfectly and flared slightly at the hips. I was surprised. The dress seemed slightly tighter than normal.

"She wore her hair long and loose. (Ingram, it was Chris' natural hair by this time. Good styling and a permanent kept it looking lovely.)

"I had seen the transformation in makeup many times, but I still couldn't believe it. Here, I was setting int he same room with the World's Most Beautiful Model, who was soon to be unveilded as a man.

"After a few minutes of small talk, she spoke the words that changed this from the most spectacular advertising gimick in history into a story told over ice cream sundaes.

" 'I'm not going back," she said evenly and with that simple confidence I had learned to expect from Christine.

" 'Well Europe isn't for everyone' I said. 'Maybe the next time you should try Hawaii.'"

" 'That's not what I meant,' she said, 'I'm not going back to being Christopher Nobody. I'm not going back to being the third guy on the right in the catalog department. I'm not going back to my old life.'

" 'Of course not,' I said beginning to understand and not wanting to. 'You'll have an office of your own, a title, maybe even a partnership in the firm. You've put this agency on the map, and we're not going to forget that.

"You still don't understand," she said, her voice rising a notch or two. 'There will be no unveiling. Christine will not vanish into the history books canonizing her creator. I told you six months ago, I thought I was being drawn into something I didn't understand and was afraid I'd never get out of. Well, now I know what it was. Fame. I'd never had it before. I'd always dreamed about it. But, good ole reliable Chris he kept his feet firmly planted on the ground.

" 'When I was a kid, I won a junior high writing contest for a short story. I though then, I'd like to be a famous novelist. But instead, I turned to something more practical--copywriting. My father was thrilled. My mother was thrilled. I was secure.

" 'Well, Chris, you're good at it.' I said trying to encourage her.

" 'No, Ted, I'm an okay writer,' she said. 'I wouldn't have spent five years in the catalogs department if I'd been that great. But, now I've got my chance. As Christine, i am the most famous model in the world. I was hesitant when this started, and I wanted to get out six months ago not because I hated this life, but because I loved it. I love the fashion shoots, the talk shows, the autograph hounds. I love it all.'

"I could see my place in the history books vanishing before my eyes, but I could see something else. I could see cold determination in Chris' eyes. It was a determination, I'd seen occasionally in Christine's determination I'd never seen in Christopher's

"Finally, I thought I had the answer.

"But Chris, I said, 'Think of what you'd be giving up. I mean, is this worth giving up your manhood.'

"Chris laughed a low, husky laugh. (It was the least feminine aspect of her transformation.)

"'It's a little late to worry about my manhood now. You loaded up my manhood, such as it was, and carted it away. You made me a woman. You erased all traces of my manhood. You made me a beautiful woman, a famous woman, a rich woman. You made me the most beautiful model in the world. I thank you for that. You created Christine, and now you're stuck with Christine.

"'And as far as my much vaunted manhood goes, I wasn't very good at that either. I wasn't very athletic, nor mechanical. And, I wasn't exactly the sort of man, women fought over. I had only five dates in three years. I actually make a better woman that I did a man. You know, being a woman isn't really too bad when you have wealth and beauty.'

"Then she looked directly at me and hit me with something like a punch to the solar plexus. 'You'd have known all this if you ever emerged from this office. But, no, you hobnobbed with the high and mighty while we in the art and copywriting departments turned your promises into reality. You picked up the rewards, and we did the work. Well, now, it's my turn and a little thing like my manhood isn't going to stand in my way.'

What she said was true. I'd been so caught up in the promotion, I lost sight of the person behind the face. I had created her, and I was on the verge of destroying her.

"'Ted,' she said, 'I didn't mean it the way it sounded. but you'll have other promotions. For me, this is it.'

"We were both silent for a moment. Then she continued, 'You know what the most addicting drug in the world is? It isn't heroin or crack. It's fame. I'm hooked on it. I can't give it up now. Don't you see? Withdrawal would kill me.'

"I had one shot left. 'You don't have to go back to being Christopher,' I said. 'You could take that energy you devoted to creating Christine and become a writer like you always wanted to be. You can be whatever you want to be. I always said you had good ideas, just small ones. Christine has expanded your scope. If you can combine her confidence with your ideas, you could make a separate place for yourself as Christopher.'

"Chris was quiet for a moment. I thought my pep talk was working. Then she looked at me with those famous blue eyes brimming with tears.

"'You might be right, Ted.' she said 'I might have created a separate life as Christopher. But, it's too late now. I couldn't go back if I wanted to. It would be physically impossible.'

"With fear I asked, 'What do you mean by that?'

"'What I mean," she said, "is that I'm no longer a man. After the Beautiful Model Contest, I decided I wasn't going to go back to being a wimpy nobody male copywriter. But I knew your powers of persuasion. I can never seem to say "no" to you an make it stick. So, I took steps to insure I would keep my word.'

"'What steps?' I asked."

"Does the name Christine Jorgeson ring a bell?' she said. 'That's right, Ted. I took my vacation in Copenhagen. You can't unveil me as a man, becaus I'm no longer one. I'm sorry, Ted, I know this meant a lot to you, but it was life itself to me.' and she began to sob. Instinctively, I put my arm around her shoulders, and she pushed her face into my jacket, leaving a few traces of that famous Cosmo Girl cosmetics.

"I guess I could have retaliated. Sued her, leaked the story to one of the tabloids, but when I looked at Christine, a beautiful, confident, woman, and I remembered the timid little man who handed me two photos a year ago. I knew I couldn't take Christine's life from her. The world would never miss Christopher, but it would miss Christine.

And, yes, I would miss Christine, too. She'd been a good friend. She'd done a lot for the agency. And Cosmo Girl had gotten it's money's worth out of her. I figured we owed her this one.

"Tex took the news better than I expected. Sales for the cosmetics have exceeded projections for the entire promotion. As only Tex could say it, 'I kinda got used to seeing that little filly's mug on our posters. I'd miss her if she was gone.'

Ted looked around the table at each of us, took one last sip of his milkshake, and said, "So, that's the story of the greatest advertising promotion that never was."

Jeff was the first to speak, "Okay, just assuming we believe all this. What happened to Christine?"

"She worked for Cosmo Girl for about five years. Then age brought crows feet even Cosmo Girl couldn't cover. She's starred in a couple of feature films and she's writing a novel. She got married about a year ago, and is sort of semi-retired. She still works, but only when and where she wants. And I swear, every work I said is the absolute truth. If it's not, may I be struck by lightening."

That was our cue. We all jumped back from the table in mock horror.

We knew we couldn't top Ted's performance. So, we finished our reunion with a little small talk and headed back to our rooms.

That should have been the end of the story if it hadn't been something I heard on my way back to my room. I stopped briefly in the lobby to buy some Alka-Seltzer, so I got back to my room after the others. I could swear it was Ted's voice apparently talking on the phone.

"That's right, dear." he said, "The 4:15, Gate 32. By the way, have I told you lately how much I love you, Christine."

I couldn't help but think about how little Ted told us about his new wife.

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© 2001 by Terri Main. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.