The Power of Feminine Thinking

by: Jolene

 

They told me when I was young I had obsessive-compulsive disorder and was a very complex person. I grew up in a family of women with two sisters, a stepsister and a very understanding mother. My stepfather could be demanding but he worked all the time to support us. My father, rest his soul, was always gone and later passed away. I had an uncle who looked on me from time to time to take me to a ball game.

But for the most part, I was basically treated like one of the girls. As a teen, I tried to act like the man of the house. My stepfather was okay. We’d go fishing, and we’d share girl stories and offer the other advice. More than anything, I tolerated him because he was good for mom.

Angela and Anne were twins and beautiful as can be. They were 5/8 great with complexion, perfect button noses and honey blonde hair that fell down their backs. They could take him either way or at least until he’d go buy them what they wanted. He was like the Maharaja or something. As teenagers, they were a living nightmare. My stepsister Jessie was just a year younger than them about my age. We were like buddies and good friends. We shared things. Everyone got a long good.

Then came Tony Tornado. I always felt like I went a thousand miles an hour and never went anywhere unless I concentrated. When I put my mind to things, they got done. I applied myself to every task. No matter what it was, if I wanted bad enough I got it. Usually it was through good old-fashioned will power.

How I wound up as a woman, is something else. Maybe it was just an accident or a strange lesson by the fates that needed to be learned.

At the time, I was going with this girl named Debbie Thompson. She was the most beautiful thing in my life. As a SR. in high school, I was a knocked kneed in love with her.

Than college came, there was talk of getting together, sharing an apartment living a life together as a couple. I would have settled for that. Then Ken Gordon came along and ruined everything.

As Annie screamed when she saw his picture, "Oh My God! Who died and made him gorgeous!?"

"Annie, don’t be like that. Although he is a hot one!" Replied Angela.

"He does have a nice face, chiseled looks, muscular, dark tan. He is hot." Jessie said and giggled.

"Just who does she think is? How dare he ruin my life and plans? Women!" I said.

"Dale, now just what does that mean? Debbie could be going through a phase. Make you jealous."

"Annie, if it’s a phase. Women! I’ll show her! I’ll show her. Sometimes I think I should have been a girl. Being male just isn’t enough sometimes…too much responsibility."

"Dale, sweetie, calm down. You know how you get obsessed over things. With your looks, sweetness, you’ll find someone." Jessie walked over to me, so did Angie and Annie and surrounded me.

Their perfume clicked something in my head I couldn’t escape. From out of nowhere I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to be beautiful, sensitive, have that other sense women do about things. Then I wanted to prove something to my girlfriend. What? I didn’t know. It was a self made promise I aimed to keep.

"Jessie thanks for the concern. I’ll be all right. I’m just a little upset. Guys you’re the best sisters a brother could ever have." I hugged them and went to my room.

On a whim, I started searching hormones on my computer, female hormones, natural supplements, how women think, feel, walk, and act. Over a month period, I studied my mom, my sisters, and friend girls (girls who I knew from work and my sisters friends) like they were guinea pigs in a laboratory. On my lunch hours, I studied them some more. I got that way sometimes. Sometimes I felt like the whole world was a lab just waiting to be explored. It was an obsessive-compulsive behavior. More times than not always got me into trouble.

On occasion, I would ask my stepfather Stephen, strange questions. He was a lab assistant and a general practitioner. He answered them to humor me.

"Stephen, can just hormones change a man into a woman?" I asked. I knew it took more than that.

"No, Dale, it takes years or less depending on the person. Of course there’s more to it, than that. It takes counseling, conditioning of mind and body, surgery, and spirit too if it’s willing. The idea of you becoming a woman would not please your mother. She would hate me for life." He quipped the last part. My stepfather always had a strange of phrasing things.

"Steve, it’s nothing like that. I was just curious. You know how I am with stories and odd ideas."

He smiled put his hand on my shoulder than asked me if I wanted to go grab a hotdog, and catch a softball game at the park. I said sure. I was only nineteen at the time. Than I had a strange notion, maybe I could will myself into being a woman.

I was no mastermind, maybe a little eccentric and goofy but I think Jessie of everyone understood me. In general, aside from my OCD, I was a reasonably functioning and sweet person.

I was a workaholic on the computer all night, lost in research. I enjoyed writing always did. I worked on the school paper and later, got a job as a beat reporter at the Miller’s Peak Gazette. When Debbie and I were together in high school, everyone called us, "The Beauty and the Geek" I didn’t mind at all but Debbie did apparently. I wasn’t attentive for her.

In my woman’s work, I picked up tidbits, speech patterns, thought processes, in my mind I started writing scenarios. Then tried to put them into action. Once I even lost my voice pattern and a sultry voice came through. I decided to try more.

I even went as far studying meditation techniques, from various religions, Buddhism and Shinto peeked my curiosity even more.

As my obsession became more intense, especially after I found out, Ken and Debbie had gotten serious. I found out through a mutual friend of Ken’s I budded up with John Fenson. Jessie and the girls got nervous and worried. Annie was really worried and threatened to tell mom.

I told her not to worry. At night, I sat looking at my computer. Creating a little sound room, for myself in Steve’s workshop, I practiced high pitches. Meanwhile I was cooking up hormone cocktails of natural hormone supplements, testing them until I made one heckuva discovery with yam roots, black cohosh, other herbs, and excess pills the girls gave me just to humor me. I grounded up a few mixed it in and fed it to a male frog. Although amphibians are male and female at birth it became female and while fully-grown. I’m no Dr. Jeckyll but the frog never changed back although, it’s genitalia remained slightly; feminine characteristics had been instilled.

When I found out, Dad (Steve) as I called him now, needed someone at the office to do handiwork, odd jobs and other things. I volunteered to do it. I was paid for the work. It was good money, along with my other job at the paper. I had plenty for my expenses.

At the clinic, through osmosis and observation, I learned how to handle a syringe, how much to give a patient, I’d make general specific calls to other clinics, especially women’s clinics with topic related questions, doing columns about things from a woman’s perspective. They were surprised a man would write such a column and were very helpful.

I wrote a byline on everything. And even did a special story about my experiments, as a kind of serial type contest. People ate it up and the Editor thought I was a genius. Naturally I had other motives.

A month later I started taking my medication. I began researching transgender issues, how TG’s, CD’s and TV’s handle the stress, strains, stigmas, feelings, and pains they go through. What they do to make a living? What was it like when they first had these feelings? Again the columns helped in my research.

At Christmas, with money I saved, I began buying myself presents like breast forms like nippers, special panties, and a fake vagina. I even found one site with a realistic latex mask and wig that made you like a glamorous woman. I bought androgynous hormones and body hair retardants as well just in case my elixir failed. I always bought a few items at a time.

In the house, I settled into a routine. Deb and Ken had become an item but I didn’t let it show. It was all the girls talked about. It made me jealous and edgy but I kept it to myself. Things were fairly normal for a month than I developed breasts and my special deliveries came.

Jessie as usual who was keeping tabs on me. Noticed first, when the Annie and Angie were out. Mom was shopping and Steve was still at the clinic. I thought Jessie might die or something from heart failure.

"Dale, are those real?" She said noticing my, A cup breasts.

"Jessie they are."

"Just from a couple of Birth control pills?"

"No, it’s more complex than that I added some stuff. I kind of like them. Nobody told me about the pain though. Especially my breast and tissue."

"Look at you, your hair is looking, body is looking a little more feminine, it’s like your willing yourself into the girl of your dreams. Mom will find out eventually. Honey, I wouldn’t want to be you. Need me I’m here. How long have you been at this?"

"I started two months before Christmas. I could use some clothing advice. I haven’t researched that yet but Annie and Angie are indication. I think a size eight or 6 might do. I’m a little taller than I’d like. 5/10. I feel like an Amazon. Maybe I can shrink myself shorter to 5/8 or 7?

"Dale, now you’re scaring me." Jessie said, covered her mouth and started to choke up. I rushed over to comfort her.

The hormones began to get to me and I started to cry. "Oh Jessie, don’t worry. Maybe it’s just a strange phase. One time I became obsessed with awnings as a kid and couldn’t get them out of my mind. I didn’t think of anything else for six months. I built all kinds across the back yard. Mom spent a fortune on landscaping timbers. Lets have some ice cream. Maybe we’ll feel better."

My voice sounded scratchy. The timbre in my larynx had a slight feminine pitch. Jessie looked at me and sighed. I could sense in her and she hugged me. She felt she had lost her stepbrother and gained another sister. She didn’t seem to mind and neither did I. We’re still close to do this day.

"What kind Chocolate chip? At least Mom’s not here yet."

"Sis it’s the only kind that matters." I said and kissed her forehead.

"I might like you as a sister. Angie and Annie are gonna freak."

"Lets surprise them when dad and mom aren’t here or they have Greg and Phil over. Help me get dressed?"

"Oh you’re clever, they’ll certainly see a different side. I think Greg’s a cutie."

"Phil’s kind of nice but I wonder what Ms Bitch and her Ken doll are doing?"

"Sister dear, you’re scaring me again. Come to think of it, Debbie was a bitch. It would be weird if you stole Ken away from her. But you have a long way to go." She giggled nervously.

The thought hadn’t occurred to me. Jessie and I stayed in my room, we chatted, talked, hugged like we had been sisters for ages. I showed her my special underwear, she give my tips on how to wear them better.

She asked if I wanted to have sex, maybe I’d change back to my male self. I thought it strange for her to do that. It was a very sweet caring gesture. And I loved her for it. It would be our secret. She wanted her stepbrother back anyway she could get him. It just didn’t work. My penis had wilted to nothing. I nodded no but the idea of female to female interested me. Jessie showed me the ropes and everything I needed to know about the female body. We petted and kissed each other’s breasts. I hoped my skin would be become just as silky and smooth.

I realized I wanted to be a woman full-time. I still had a lot to learn. But in our household, family always came first.

The day to show Angie and Annie came about a month later. I was now a B cup and could be barely hide what was happening to me. My hair was growing out nicely. I decided I’d grow it long. Jessie gave me some tips to keep it straight and manageable.

My body was developing a nice hourglass frame. I didn’t need the false vagina but wore a padded brief. Even my face was beginning to change a little bit. I had been researching female impersonators and asking about the techniques they used to look so glamorous but this wasn’t makeup. It was natural I guess from the hormone treatments. I began taking androgyny pills and creams to retard beard growth. What should have taken at least six months took about three.

It was after lunch the girls were in the family room talking, looking at a fashion magazine, and watching a movie with Leonardo Decaprio… Angie just absolutely worships him and the ground he walks on.

Jessie helped me get dressed. I wore a black sheath dress with a matching choker. My panty and bra were black satin. I wore stalkings, short heels, had my hair that was down to my shoulders in a pageboy style, my makeup was a foundation with a bit rouge, silver and dark eyeliner, a rouge lipstick, a gold bracelet on my left wrist, matching diamond studded earrings, with a mist of Obsession on my neck and hands.

I couldn’t believe the person in the mirror. Angie, Annie and I could have passed for triplets. The nose and chin were off but those would be taken care of in time. Except they’re honey blondes and I’m a brunette.

Jessie introduced me. "Hey, guys remember when Dale went a little weird on us."

"Jessie, Dale has always been a little weird but he’s our brother and we love him."

"Annie you haven’t seen him like this. Dale, sweetie come on down. Girls say hello to your new sister."

I made my entrance like a princess. Angie nearly collapsed, Annie gasped and smiled at me. Jessie stood by to pick up any pieces of broken heart. Robbins’ girls are made tough and they handled it.

"Dale what the hell happened to you? You’re beautiful!" Annie said.

"Well, sis you know me. When I put my mind on something there’s no stopping me. Damn the torpedoes, or the eye shadow and shop till you drop. Guys it’s a long story."

"Dale, mom won’t let you stay this way. Breast forms?"

"No Angie dear, they’re me."

"Hips real too?" Annie Asked.

"Yes Sis. I’m not sure how far I have to go."

"Babe, look at mom and us. I don’t think our pills did that. You have must have been taking something else. Steve will go ballistic." Annie said.

"Annie I don’t know. Dad’s pretty level headed. Occasionally he would yell at me but that’s just his way. It’s a release for him. He can be a pain but that’s his way. Momma loved him but he was never around when he needed her. But that’s another issue." Jessie said and let out a sigh. Angie put her arm around her shoulder and hugged her close.

"Dale if you wanted to impress us you did. Now take off that damn dress. I think some of my shorts will fit you. You can enter the Robbins sorority and we’ll talk." Annie acting as leader put it plain and I complied.

I borrowed a pink t-shirt from Jessie, some shorts from Annie, and let my hair down and pulled it into a ponytail. Angie lent me a pair of sandals. We ate ice cream watching Leonardo and his cute pals. I found myself drooling at an actor I saw and had fun. The girls shared secrets with me as I shared research on makeup techniques from professional impersonators. Mom knew lots of tricks but she was impressed when she learned mine.

When I told them one of my plans about Debbie and Ken. They gasped and thought I was joking. It was a joke. But there was no way my body would shrink three inches unless I was eighty years old with osteoporosis or had a bulging disk removed.

We had a blast. So much so we didn’t notice the time than mom walked in from work. At first she thought I was a girlfriend of Angie’s but looked at me and knew instinctively. The girls were ready to jump to my defense if needed.

She pointed at me and sighed, "Dale Anthony Robbins’s get to the kitchen right now! Girls I will talk to you later."

Our kitchen is partitioned from most of the house. It’s usually quiet. It’s our dining area, the girls talk there all the time, and the back porch makes for relaxing atmosphere most of the time.

"Mom. I know…" She cut me in mid sentence.

"Dale what the hell were you thinking!? Angie told me she was worried about you when you and Debbie broke up. Annie was concerned Jessie came to me too. It was five months ago!"

"I’m sorry mom. I don’t know what happened."

"Dale you do know. Anyway, we decided to string you along maybe you’d forget about it. Now you haven’t. I know you can be stubborn. Your father could be that way. Obstinate, narrow minded, focused. From the looks, I know you’ve been receiving things in the mail. I thought it was research at first. Honey, you’re lessons are just starting. Being a woman is very difficult, there’s hygiene problems, and different stresses."

"What happens next? I’m guessing you’re mad?"

"I’m upset. I’m looking at a young man, and my son who by force of shear will turned himself into a woman to take right after her sisters. And from the looks of it will only get lovelier. You’re stuck now! Do you understand? We need to tell your stepfather. How did you do it?"

"I created my own hormone mix, of natural herbs mostly female hormones, that contain estrogen and other hormones they need. I learned how to administer from nurses at the clinic, and other jobs and research. I created a specific a timetable I wanted to go on. I had no idea it would go this far. I’m wondering if there’s something I could take to shrink three inches?"

"Honey, I always knew we should have taken care of that OCD. There’s nothing you can do to shrink your body. It’s impossible but then again... You’ve worked on your voice too." I could sense mom on the verge of tears. The girls came in right on cue and huddled around us.

"Momma, it’ll be alright." Annie said.

"No Annie. Dale will need her own wardrobe. She’ll need to know how to do things. She’s already learned so much. Why can’t your father be here? Why now?" Then the water works came. Jessie and Angie sat to her right as me and Annie was to her left. We sat there and cried with her. Mom asked for no apologies. I couldn’t give any. I felt sorry but relieved.

Steve had a conniption when he saw me. For some reason he wanted to yell at Jess. As usual it was Steve’s way of thinking out loud. Mom put her foot down and told him to focus.

He knew of someone who specialized in transgender issues. It was something he had never seen before though. I told them of the concoction I developed and how I used it.

My penis was now completely useless. My concoction some how prepared me internally as well. All that I would need is some SRS. Still I had to go through counseling for a while.

I wanted to quit my job at the paper when I told my boss what had happened. Mr. Anderson is a special man. He’s a elderly man but wise as an owl and smart like a sage. He was my mentor in high school. He even watched the girls and me grow up when dad passed away. He even introduced mom to Steve, whose wife had passed on as well. Mom and Stephen clicked when the twins were freshman in high school.

Mr. Anderson offered me unique story opportunity. Our paper was now part of a national chain. Considering the surgery and everything, the fact I’d be written in a journal. My transgender case became a case study. I’d be paid a large sum for a national series for a legitimate piece on the trials and tribulations of alternative lifestyle from a working class point of view. I liked the angle. I’ve never been one for flamboyance. Dad wasn’t that kind either. Robbins girls don’t take anything for granted and we don’t flaunt either. I’d get my own byline now and I was just twenty years old.

I received a visit from Debbie when I was recovering. I told her I’d be up and around in no time.

"Dale, I never meant to hurt you. I had no idea you would go this far."

"Deb neither did I. You did hurt me. Ken’s a good man and he’ll take care of you."

"It’s nothing like that. Dale you’re just so damn hard to understand. Ken’s a sweetheart. He’s fun, he laughs but a girl needs that serious side too. If you only had a ounce of laughter and joy, I’d been all over you twenty-four/seven for the rest of your life. I don’t know how to respond to this. A girl has her priorities. Now Ken is my only one. You were my other choice. Why can’t you be like a normal guy? Well of course, you’ll never be a guy again, now will you?"

"Deb, don’t get bitchy. Where was this concern when I needed it? Men can be just as sensitive as women. Deb I loved you and was willing to do what was necessary. You wanted laughter. You should have said something. I have a great sense of humor! So Ken is your only choice. What about Ben Rogers? Annie told me you and Ben was out walking by Miller’s Creek the other day. I bet Ken would appreciate that!"

"Dale Robbins’ the post op who would be bitch. What about Ben and I? I went for a walk, Ben ran by and we talked. He’s kind of cute. He’s not Ken, or you, in your other life, if that’s what you mean. I know the Robbins’s Sorority and how they take care of their own. I was almost a member. I like Annie and adore Angie sometimes. Jessie I’m not sure of but she has her moments. I just dropped by to see how you were doing."

"Thank you for stopping by. I was jealous. When I started this I even got a weird notion of stealing Ken away from you."

"Baby, now you’re dreaming. I admit you look pretty good. But can you pass the smell taste. I can always tell people you were gay. Then see where you wind up."

"My aren’t we over protective. I didn’t know women were territorial like men are?" I said. I knew better of course.

"Oh honey, you’ve got a lot to learn. We don’t grow nails for nothing, and being catty just isn’t another name, for a blonde bimbo named Kitten. Send my love to your sisters." Deb blew me a kiss and walked out of my room.

Reaching into the sutures was a slit where my penis used to be. It felt sensitive and sent a tingle through my stomach. It was like riding on a butterfly. The sensation fluttered a current that sent me reeling.

I didn’t mind sitting down to pee. I used to do it as a kid sometimes. I pretty much did it my whole life. My sisters always appreciated my cleanliness in the bathroom. In my bedroom, it was like the Congo.

My adoring sisters came in, smiled and hugged me. I felt pretty good considering.

"I see what’s her name was here." Annie said.

"Annie, don’t be like that. Deb sends her love. Personally, I think she’s getting a little plump in the thighs. Poor thing." I said cattily.

The girls giggled and let out the Robbins’ yell, "Dale, Oh My God!" I told them of my chat with Deb, almost challenge and her threat if I tried to follow through.

Angie was livid. Jessie got just as mad. Annie just smiled with a wicked grin. She asked how they could help thwart the evil queen. Then rescue the gorgeous prince from her clutches.

Mom walked in on us. She smiled at her daughters so we let her in on it. She got very mad. Then hugged me out of pride or something. I was thinking plastic surgery to look better. I still had masculine features, although softened considering. The nose needed a touch up.

Mom agreed rhinoplasty might do the trick. But my body looked okay everywhere else. I still needed training in mannerisms, clothes, how to act, sit, and deportment. My wardrobe was small except panties and bras. The idea of using tampons was still expected. Yuck! But it had to be done. They noticed I acted more like a lady than Debbie already. I was hugged and kissed. I was christened a Robbins girl with real possibilities.

Out of principal, I made my self another promise. I was going to steal Ken away from Debbie.

Honestly I had no idea of what I was getting into. It was a hard lesson but once I learned I didn’t mind.

Mom asked if I wanted any plastic surgery before I left the hospital. Mr. Anderson even offered to pay for it. I thought about it. I was thinking a classic look like Rita Hayworth or Lana Turner or Ingrid Bergman. Then I looked at my sisters. It was only natural I’d want to be more like them. I had my nose and chin done. Angie, Annie, and myself practically looked like triplets now. I felt sorry for Jessie. She had been a member of the family since her early teens. She was one of us. I’d make it up to her some how. I just didn’t want her to feel left out.

At home, my whole room had been redecorated. The walls had been painted in beige, with a dark blue border. A vanity had replaced my desk. Pride maybe overrated but a girl always needs her vanity. Sponsored by the paper, I received a large wardrobe certificate. With help from my sisters and a few friends. The shopping trip was the best ever in history. The list was endless; mini-skirts, t’s, Lycra jeans, belts, sequin tube tops, a couple of gowns, bathing suits, women suits, blazers, padded briefs, panties, bras of all colors and textures filled out my wardrobe rather nicely.

I filed to have my name changed to Antonia Dale when I was in recovery. Jessie wanted to change hers to Amelia Jessica and take mom’s last name too. Her dad thought she had lost her mind. Her first name was fine but compromises were made. She was still our sister and we loved her.

After a month, my body had completely filled out into nice 36c – 25 - 37. I was still a little taller than I liked. It just didn’t seem natural to me. But things were great. My birthday was coming up soon. My columns were recognized for their unique point of view and sensitivity. A national chain of Alternative publications picked up my column. To celebrate, I got us all makeovers. The salon wanted to do it for nothing. It was good publicity. So I invited my sisters and mother to join me.

Our discussion in the salon, returned to our favorite villain, Deb was okay I guess. We just wanted to teach her a lesson.

We decided to involve our boyfriends and or/spouses. I was still a virgin although I got flyers, a sportswriter at the paper was interested. Paul Simmons was something of a lady-killer. I’d known him all my life. As kids, we, along with some pals from school camped out in his back yard once and spied on my sisters. They were staying at a girlfriend’s house just across the street.

Why should he be interested? The girls in high school adored him, Debbie swooned at him but he also scared her. She had heard horror stories from some of the girls, he could be a little rougher then they were used to. His family had money and he liked to show it off.

"Girls, I think Greg is going to get me an engagement ring but I’m not sure. I’m like really nervous about this." Annie said over her manicure and pedicure.

"Annie? That’s wonderful honey! Your Aunt Marie’s wedding gown would fit perfectly. There’s ton of things I need to do." Mom said. We could hear her mind spinning.

"Phil’s been a sweetie. He wants me to move in with him when things get settled down. Dale’s transformation has really changed his view of the world. He loves me but is nervous I’ll lose my sense of direction. Whatever that means. I love him too but I’ll have to leave the Robbins nest eventually. I’m not sure what to tell him."

"Angie darlin’, Phil’s always been nervous. It’s his dad who was a product of his generation. I didn’t know I was that much of a culture shock to him." I said.

"Oh sweetie, it’s not your fault. I know that. You and Phil were friends. I think he has an eye for you, even protected your honor once night last week."

"Awe, Angie." I smiled. Phil always had a great heart.

"Guys, I think Fen is interested in me. He asked me out. We had a good time. I never knew he was a good kisser. Deb even came up during the conversation. I had to sigh naturally."

"Jessie, you’re dating John Fenson? Well aren’t you the lucky one. He’s a cutie and a half."

"Gosh, I know Annie. He’s a hunk. Guess who I saw in the next booth at the Burger Owl?" Jessie had a wicked grin on her face.

"Not the evil princess?"

"The same and her entourage Big Ben Rogers. When he left a half hour later, she changed booths. And Barbie met with her Ken doll."

"Why, that little sneak!" Mom said.

"Well they’re a nice pair of bookends." Said Tina our stylist and a friend of Angie’s.

We told her to shush and keep working on our manicures. When it came to our hair. My sisters and I had our hair styled the same length. While mom kept her own color, we all decided to have our hair dyed ash blonde.

"Dale, we have got to find you someone," said Angie.

" I heard Paul Simmons wants to ask me out."

"Oh God! Dale you can do better then Paul. Don’t let his charm fool you. Honey he’s a snake!" Annie cried.

"So I’ve heard Annie."

"No darling he’s worse," Mom chimed in, "remember Opal Davis? I head from Carla Williams who was a good friend of Opal’s mother Donna. Donna told her; Paul took Opal out, practically raped her, and she was never the same again. You know what happened after she dropped out of school."

They found Opal hanging in a stall by Miller’s Stables. An apparent suicide they said. Opal worked at the student paper. She was a lanky figure girl. When she had her hair down and wore contacts. She was a cute girl and made someone a loving wife. She was sweet and everyone adored her. She was kind of plain. But I’d be damned if Paul was going to do that to a woman, ever again.

"Mom, please. I said he wanted to from other sources. I admit I’m a virgin still. But I think I’d like to teach Paul a lesson in humility."

"Antonia Dale, what are you up to? Deb and Ken are secondary now?"

"Momma, I still have that concoction I made. I could brew up some more. It may take a month or three. Deb and Ken can wait but when we have Annie’s shower. We can invite Deb to bury the hatchet. Meanwhile we can get Greg, Phil and Fen to check up on Ken and Ben, and tell Paul I’m interested. Naturally I would tell her about Ken and me or at least have a convincing for her."

"Girl, you’re dangerous. I like the plot." Annie looked at me and smiled wickedly.

Than everyone giggled. Annie, Angie and Jessie relished giving themselves for the cause. After all, Greg, Phil, and Fen might need coaxing to check on Ben and Ken. Mom asked to Steve to join. It was only natural for a father or stepfather to protect his daughter’s virtue. Especially, if Paul got a little rough, Mr. Anderson would know too.

Mom reached out to me and patted my knee. She said I reminded her of Aunt Sarah. She could be a real bitch when she wanted. She knew how to get things done in a sweet way. Momma just adored her.

After leaving the salon, we looked in the mirror. We had looks to kill for and felt it. Momma was so excited she called an acquaintance at the Photo Gallery to have our picture taken together.

At the Gallery, the photographer’s tongue wagged all the way through. But he was sweet and behaved himself. Mom was in the middle, Jessie and Angie stood to her left, Annie and me to her right. Mark touched us up a bit than took our picture. We started flipping our hair, and goofing like we were models.

"Oh Raquel, you do go on." Jessie quipped.

"Paula, I feel so Pantene. I’ll just die in these lights." Angie said and we all giggled.

"I feel like I’m in a hair color commercial. I just love this luscious Blonde." I said shifting my jacket winking a smile.

"I know honey. And we’re worth it. Get permanent hair color by Raphael!" Said Annie then posed smiling in a dramatic fashion.

"Girls! Settle down." Mom said then looked at Mark apologetically.

"Alice, they’re having fun. It’s fine." Mark said. Then he winked at me. I was a little shy but winked back.

He knew about us and he had known mom for a long time. So he let us play for a few minutes before, we settled down for the picture.

When we left he even gave us a package of free photos to take with us. He was sweet. Momma told us he was a wolf. But he wasn’t a Paul Simmons either.

He gave directions on a fashion shoot and showed us how they worked. Everyone did twist and turns, on high-heels. When it came my turn, I may have twisted my back and felt a twinge. But didn’t say anything at the time. Mark told me I was a ‘natural beauty’

After a week, I had popped a disk in my lower vertebrae. It may have been the hormones or what. They weren’t sure but certain plans were put on hold.

Removing the disk left me sidelined for a month while I recovered. The damnedest thing happened. I shrunk about an inch and a half. My strange case was updated. When I got out I was 5/8 and 140. Ugh! The weight would have to go.

Paul came by to see me in my hospital room. At first he played like a colleague, concerned about work. I wrote still but from a computer notebook. We’d talk, joked some. We talked about writing, life, dreams, all that.

"So, fellow writer, how soon do you think can get out of this room? The Beer is on me. Dancing too, if you’re up to it. Oops.. well… yanno?"

"Paul, thank you. That’s very sweet of you to say." For some reason, I let him kiss me and I liked it. But I was sensing something else too. Whiskey lingered from his breath.

He walked out as Steve walked in. A very cute concerned father look was on his face.

"Babe, you okay?" He wore his DR’s jacket but his visit was fatherly.

"Yes, dad, I am. Paul just wanted to stop by and say hello. We kissed and that’s all." I covered my mouth and giggled. Embarrassed. I couldn’t believe how girlish I had become. I really was enjoying myself.

"Hon, one word of advice, never tell your parents more than you need too."

"Yes Papa, I’ll remember." I said blushing a smile looking up at the ceiling.

"You know he has more in mind than just kissing?"

Pouting, "Daddy! Yes, I know. I’m a big girl now. I’ve been getting all kinds of advice from the girls, doctors, mom, Mr. Anderson, even Phil, Greg, and John told me if I needed them to just whistle and they’d rush to my defense. Phil was adorable. Once as kids, we slept in a sleeping bag together talking about Charlie’s Angels pinups, and now his pal has become one. Not to mention someday, he maybe my brother in law. I like the idea a great deal."

Steve walked over and sat beside me. "Dale, you’ve become quite a young lady. I’m impressed. What happened with your back is unusual but happens. This will sound stranger still. Something to keep in mind, that formula you came upon, has done something to your insides. Most of your male organs have receded and been replaced by a female reproductive system, unlike hermaphrodites. It has the whole clinic stumped. It’s preliminary. Even your mom doesn’t know yet. She’ll have to know eventually. You may not have ovaries but someday you might be able to carry."

"Daddy, you’re freaking me out. You’re telling me I could get pregnant? I thought with TS’s, it was impossible or at least extremely rare. I may even cycle? Oh my God! Carry a fetus? Oh my… I could just see Deb now. Oh my.." I began to giggle. I sensed myself blushing and felt a serious hormone rush to my heart as I tried to breathe. Just then, I swore I had my first hot flash and was absolutely exhilarated.

Steve took my hand in a bedside manner, "It’s a maybe sweet one. You don’t have tubes but you could carry a child. It’s possible if you keep taking that concoction or regular dosage of hormones. You may even have periods. It’s very rare as you said. You’ve developed so well. I’m just offering fatherly advice. As soon as you’re well, remember to use condoms, and have a can of mace around. Guard dogs are optional. Make damn sure the guy has a clue. Or else! No matter how famous you become, from your columns, you’re grounded till you’re fifty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my other patients."

"Oh, come here you. Yes DR Daddy." I didn’t say anything but kissed and hugged him. I could really love this man. What more could a daughter want from her dad. He was such a sweetheart when he wanted to be.

He kissed me on the forehead and walked out. I let out a Robbins yell and it echoed throughout the corridors. Dad popped his head threw the door, gave me an odd look. I just hugged myself, smiled and covered my blushing face. Mom was there in an hour. I’d be recuperating at home.

It took Paul three days to find me. He’d been tougher than I thought. Why was he so interested? It just seem like the guy I knew. But the trap was set nonetheless. It was three weeks later. We went out. I let him have me. He was gentle at first. But then I gave him the elixir when he wanted more after a few weeks. I proved a very hard catch.

It was mostly his drinking that turned him into what he was inside. What happened with him and Opal made sense. He was stoned when he attacked her. He’d been drinking since he was fifteen!

When Paul started noticing minor changes in his body. His breast tissue was tender and his skin chaffed. It scared the hell out of him. He quit seeing me and tried returned to normal except he was now impotent.

It was our last day together. He invited me to his apartment. I was absolutely scared out of my wits. But he sounded sober he was respectful and sweet. When I got there. There was a change. The bottles, pornographic images, coffee stained tables, and broken memories were gone. The two-bedroom apartment had a somber energy to it that was sadder some how.

"Antonia, what did you do to me?"

"Paul, you did it to yourself. What was I supposed to think? When you’re drinking you’re a drunken brute and a monster. The elixir merely flushed out your ego. You were not always like this. Hon, what happened?"

"I don’t know. It was the drinking. Father wanted so much for me. I hated him, the world, and myself. He bought me everything I wanted except the job at the paper. I don’t know what I was thinking when I chased after you. I thought it would be something different. I figured you were just another girl. I barely remembered your other self. I was wrong. You’re still the same soul I knew when we were in Little League. What I see is a woman who changed my life. And I don’t know where to go. I’m not going back to dad. I feel sober and cleansed. I think you’re the first to see the real me."

Paul crumpled onto the sofa and started to shake. He was going through serious withdrawals and needed help. I called the paramedics to take him to the hospital.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, as Paramedics put him in the ambulance, "Dale, I never meant to hurt Opal. I had no idea; she would do what she did. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Thank you." I kissed him goodbye and held him.

"You’re quite a guy, Paul Simmons. When you want to be. Take care okay?"

He shook terribly, "Ok. Antonia you’re quite a girl. I am so ashamed right now. You’re special..Why.." He kissed me and covered his face to cry as the ambulance drove him away.

I felt like crying and did. It wasn’t the transformation I expected but it worked to Paul’s advantage. It gave him the courage to stand up to his father. To tell of what happened with him and Mrs. Davis, would break a heart in two. It took a long time but all was forgiven.

What happened to Paul pointed to one person. The whole town Miller’s Peak showed at my door. If I had run for mayor, I’d have probably been elected. Paul still writes a sports column but he also works with student athletes, who have sensitivity issues. The soon to be Pastor Simmons is a very understanding, caring individual.

Talk about engagement showers, bridal showers, baby showers or socials. Most men would want to yelp and run for the nearest hill. I used to feel the same way. The idea seeing how the other half lives, breathes and gossip at these things made my heart soar like an eagles.

It gave me a chance to get back at Deb. Three weeks prior to Annie’s shower. The girls and I prepared some delicious fodder for that Sunday summer afternoon. Deb was still juggling Ben and Ken but alternating nights. I told Jessie, who told Fen I was interested in Kenny. Guys talk just as much as girls. I heard from John, Ken was surprised. He had been kind of curious. He even heard I had become beautiful just like my sisters in almost everyway. The night Deb struck Ben’s clock. I struck Ken’s. And it was wonderful!

My first date with Ken was as public as could be. We talked, danced, and had a blast. After all, we played little league together. With Paul, Fen, Phil, Jeff Willows, Greg, Marshall Cannon, Pete Summers, and myself our team made the state finals. Ken couldn’t believe I was the same the left fielder he used to know.

"Dale, you’re up to something. I can feel it. I think you’ve become a real knockout. But why me?"

"Kenny, I wanted to get back at Deb in a strange way. Do you know she’s seeing another guy?"

"I know its Ben. Every time A girl sees a broad muscular "hunk" with chiseled looks, and tan thinks he has more brawn than brains. Dale, it’s just not me. Deb’s a very high maintenance girl. I write poetry, love music, and play my guitar by the railway crossing. She told me I wasn’t attentive enough for her. Bull on that!"

I giggled and he piqued my interests. "Tell me about it. She was that way in high school. You write poetry and play guitar? No, I used to write poetry. I still write a little, as you know. I’d love to read some." I smiled up at him in 6-1 frame face. He was cute no doubt about it. He wrote poetry too. I heard the Robbins’ yell spring up within my heart.

"You would? I know you write. I read your columns from time to time. Your recent one about the plight of community theaters struck a chord. No one’s every been that interested?" He smiled at me with a sparkle in his eye. I had thought about getting into acting but it was just an article.

It was only natural Ken and I spend time together. We spent so much time together. We got really serious about each other. Ken would tell Deb he’d made other plans. He take me out to the old trestle read me poetry and play guitar. It was hot enough. We’d go swim in the river. It was our own private playground. I’d make us sandwiches, bring a sixpack of rootbeer and we’d talk about everything. He was surprisingly well read and we had similar interests.

Ken still felt uncomfortable about being with someone who had once been a man. Finally, I had to show him I wasn’t. I even told him I had sex as a woman and knew how to take care of myself.

Two days later we made love for the first time. We took precautions of course. We took each other to the stars and back. Made our gods smile upon us, and felt we’d seen the universe in all its glory. It was then we fell for each other in the worst way. I just came to absolutely adore him. It was only natural we’d get married and did about nine months later. When the girls found out I made it with him. We giggled, cried and carried on for days.

Annie’s shower was the biggest thing to happen in Miller’s Peak in years. It was a combined affair along with Greg’s bachelor party on the community center. During the morning, it was the girl’s. The afternoon was the boys and the evening was a formal party. The whole town was invited.

When I saw Deb come in that morning. The poor thing seemed distraught and depressed. Obviously her testosterone diet had been severely curbed to just Ben. I later found the two got along pretty well and she married him. She really didn’t have another choice in the matter.

The room was decorated with angels, princesses, a local women’s group donated a very nice flower setting. A local caterer provided brunch. Momma organized the tables with summer table settings and scented candles.

When you have fifty women in a room, there’s bound to be some fire works. The wardrobe featured mostly summer dresses, a few older women wore suits. Especially, Mrs. Clark who was knockout even when she taught History. She was Anne’s favorite teacher. Aunts came in from Lincoln to congratulate Annie and look at their new niece who they heard rumors about but only saw in photos. They were astonished at first but absolutely adored me.

It was in the women’s lounge. Deb and I finally had our bitch fest.

"I heard you and Ken have been spending time together? Since when did the wannabe get slutty?"

"Deb you little bitch! Ken and I have spent time together. In case your interested, we made love and it was wonderful! I’m not a wannabe anymore. I’m more woman than you’ll ever hope to be."

"You bitch! I wouldn’t have believed it but you did. He wasn’t the first?"

"Paul Simmons was the first."

Deb stopped dead in her tracks. Collected herself and went to sit down on the love seat. She looked confused. Her eyes asked me how. I walked over and set beside her.

I began, "After my back surgery, he came to see me. Told me he wanted to take me out. We’d talk, laugh and I didn’t mind it. We’d even kiss on occasion. Although, Fen, Greg, and Phil would dance with me sometimes, guys were afraid to even get close to me. My transformation just blew everyone away."

"But how Dale? He must have thought you were different?"

"Deb, did you know he had a drinking and drug problem since high school. It was almost six years. He saw me as just another girl! He wanted me to feel good so he could destroy my resolve later. Of course, I had plans for him to. The rumors about Opal, most of them were true but not all."

Deb was stunned into a favorite yell. "Oh My God! Remember Lisa Walters? She told me she went out with him once in Jr. High. It was her first French and he tasted like a brewery. I never really heard much more. She dropped him fast after that night. That’s why I stayed away from him. When she heard about Opal. She had her mom send her to California to love with relatives. It must have scared her to death."

"No! I wondered why I never saw Lisa again. She was in my Algebra class in the 11^th grade. Lisa always did have good sense. I asked Annie to invite you because I wanted you here. Not to gloat but to bury the hatchet. Just not in each other’s back, I want us to be friends again."

"Dale Robbins. You always did have a strange way around things. I heard what happened to Paul. If anyone could set him straight, you were the one to do it. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Don’t just steal my guy and I won’t steal yours. Deal?" She sighed and started to cry as I did to.

"Deal! I like that necklace. From Halloran’s?" I said smiling.

"Bought it on sale. Gosh, you have become a real woman. I heard you shrank to? Your hair looks great!"

Wondering if feathers were flying, Angie, Mom and Jessie came to view the catfight, except for streaks of mascara and hurt pride. Everything was fine. The fight ended in a draw!

They saw us smiling and hugging each other. Jessie rushed over and joined in as did Angie. Deb and I found a way to love each other all over again. In a way we became sisters in spirit. Despite some reluctance, she became a member of the Robbins sorority. I even asked her to be my maid of honor, as I became hers.

Ken thought I was crazy for asking her but he knew better. I kissed him and took him fly-fishing that weekend. Fishing wasn’t the only thing on the menu. He’s so adorable when he’s confused he just turns me on. He wrote a whole series of poems about sailing on golden stars with a girl who sails on top of a golden bough with a sextant to guide her sailor home. I didn’t want it any other way. He called me his muse.

I was the girl he wrote about. When he proposed, I naturally said yes and took him to the stars.

Annie and Greg were married first. Angie and Phil moved in together. They married later after after 6 months . Jessie and Fen had their ups and downs but Jessie would take Fen up when he was down. They’re still going together and are adorable as a couple.

Then came my wedding, I wanted it simple but it became the event of the season. Because of my celebrity, Ken sweet as he was, felt very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I became his rock, as he was mine. We got married in May and got through it.

Within a block radius, Jessie, me, Angie, Annie, and Deb settled into domesticity. When Annie became pregnant, naturally we were ecstatic and sewing circles were devised. It was a Robbins tradition. It was mom’s idea too. I pitched in with an occasional napkin or crochet. I love cross-stitching and was really good. Angie followed a month or two later, Deb followed. Jessie couldn’t wait anymore gave Fen an ultimatum. By then Paul was ordained and married them in a private ceremony.

Everyone thought, Ken and I might adopt. State rules mentioned and we checked. Thinking back on what Dad told me. The idea crept back into my head. I told Ken about it. We always used condoms when having sex. My latest checkup indicated I was now close to ninety percent female, which was something of a miracle. My medical files indicated discrepancies in my genetic makeup even as a boy, and later a young adult male. Daddy said I was XXY whatever that means. I still took hormones but at a regulated lower dosage when I started. My concoction had been confiscated but not the recipe.

One night my darling husband asked my the darndest question, "Antonia, do you want a child?"

"Kenneth Gordon what kind of question is that. Of course honey, It’s only natural to want. My sisters are expecting." I winked my doe eyes at him with a sigh and smiled.

"Don’t wink those bright stars, they make me shimmer with delight and frighten me."

"I love it when you’re so poetic. Sweetie, don’t worry, fate will show us the way." I kissed him and put my head on his shoulder.

"Honey, that’s not the point," he paused, "Could you get pregnant?"

"I don’t know hon. But I’ll think about it."

"You know I love the way you think." He kissed me picked me up in his strong arms and took me to the bedroom. We rocked our universe all night long. The stars winked at us, and I felt rains water my garden like I never felt before. It was glorious.

A week later I was just getting up when I felt nauseated. Ken had already gone to work. Morning sickness is not the experience I expected. Ugh! I called mom immediately, Deb, and my sisters too. Women know about these things sometimes instinctively. Deb was just overwhelmed with joy and wanted me to try something.

Deb brought over a home pregnancy kit right away. She lived two doors down from me. The results were inconclusive. I wanted to die. I fell into Deb’s arms wearing my nightgown and sobbed.

"Dale Gordon. I am not giving up on you. Where’s the girl we know and love?"

"Deb…oh alright. Yes momma." I wasn’t going to argue with her. Deb smiled and gave me a stern sisterly look.

"Come on darlin’ let’s get you dressed. We’re going to the clinic." Deb called Jessie on her cell phone. Jessie called Annie, and then Annie called Angie, who called mom. Dad was waiting on us when we got there. Yes we had a system for everything for every emergency.

At the clinic two days later, the results were positive. My sisters and I were frantic for days. Naturally, as mom, put it. "There was a thousand things to do" And the Robbins yell echoed through the entire town of Miller’s Peak. Mom was just ecstatic.

Poor Daddy, decided to leave us for a couple of days. The estrogen levels were just too much for him. All four of his daughters were pregnant or close to giving birth, or already had. Annie had a 7-pound baby Boy. She named him after our father Andrew Donald. And he’s an absolute sweetheart.

The Robbins’ men were going to do their howling but in their own way. I wanted my poet with me. Ken wanted me to spend time with my sisters. He even called them including Deb, to watch over me. Before he left I wanted to give him the proper send off. Our child aside, we set a new kissing record. Phil told me he had to drink his first beer through a straw the poor thing.

My case file was updated. I decided to write a book about my experiences and my philosophies on being a woman. I titled it The Power of Feminine Thinking. Naturally I dedicated it to my sisters and husband. They inspire me everyday.

My first child was a boy. Named Tony, he was cute as could be and a spark plug. He takes after his father but has my eyes. I’ve been told I maybe able to have another.

About our second child, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. And my Ken’s been very attentive. I’ve been teaching him patience and that these things take time. He’s only one and a half.

Rumblings in my stomach told me it worked. My daughter Susan Alexandra should be in my arms within months. Tony can’t wait to see his new sister. She’ll follow the Robbins tradition and be as capable as her mother. With two children and a loving, sweet husband, what more could a woman ask for.

 

 

 

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