DR. PETER BLOOM’S JOURNAL, JUNE 15, 11:30 AM:
Another day as usual at the New York Metro Garden Research Center. I and my fellow botanists are looking at the members of the plant kingdom in the hopes of improving human life. No special finds so far, but we’ll keep looking. I’m only writing this down to keep from falling asleep, frankly. Even that cup of coffee I sipped fifteen minutes ago is wearing off. With no big projects going on right now, we’re almost in jeopardy of losing government funding. Ho hum, back to the work of work.
JUNE 15, 5 PM:
So much for boredom! About 1 o’clock, my fellow researchers and I caught wind of a new, unusual sort of plant species. We call it "Flora" because that’s what it calls itself. Literally. Flora is part human, part plant, and walks around like any ordinary human being. But nobody will confuse it with a person. After finding and catching it, we brought Flora to our center and looked it. Oddly enough, this creature knows English. When we asked Flora how, it told us it had been wandering around human society, reading books and newspapers and watching TV to pick up the language, for the past two weeks.
We examined its anatomy. Flora is an unusual creature. It is humanoid in appearance, with green skin. It has chlorophyll, so has no need to eat or digest food - it can make its own, provided it remains exposed to sunlight and remains "watered" by drinking fluid nourishment. (Lucky for Flora, we work in a greenhouse, and the tapwater seems to sustain it nicely.) Because of this, it has no rectum or digestive tract. Through means unknown, it seems to have learned English, and refers to itself as if a plant. For example, Flora refers to its arms as its "branches", its legs as its "roots", and its mouth as its "stoma". But the most intriguing thing about Flora is its sexual organs.
It’s weird, what its reproductive system looks like. First of all, I refer to Flora as an "it" because it doesn’t seems to be male or female - like many plants but few members of the animal kingdom, Flora is a hermaphrodite. It has two flowery breasts about the same place one would find them on a human female. It also has a third, larger flower over its crotch. Whenever Flora gets sexually aroused, the crotch flower blooms and reveals two complete sets of human genitalia. It has a penis (which Flora calls a "filament"), under which one can see a scrotum and two testes (Flora’s "anthers"). The anthers seems to be fully functional, releasing sperm ("seed") whenever sufficiently aroused. Collectively, Flora calls this set of male genitals its "stamen". Then there’s the female reproductive system, or "pistil". Directly under the anther is what resembles a pair of human female vaginal lips ("style"). This leads to a vagina proper ("stamen"), which holds a womb and ovaries. (Flora calls the ovaries "ovaries".) Flora told us that, about once a month, her ovaries release an egg (she called it "pollen"), like a human female’s period. Whenever a pollen meets a seed, it can reproduce ("pollinate") , yielding a new member of Flora’s species, which as yet still remains unnamed. The period of pregnancy ("germination") lasts about five months. Flora told us much of this, knowing the details of its version of the birds and the bees quite well. (Maybe, in Flora’s case, it should just be called "the bees".) After a couple hours, everyone was exhausted, and we released Flora into our lab. We gave it a special sun-lit room to sleep in, which was hard for a bunch of botanists. We have much work ahead of us, including figuring out what this alien creature is doing on Earth, but that will have to wait for tomorrow - we’re just too tired.
JUNE 16:
Flora escaped, running amok around downtown New York. After tracing its root-prints, I found it sipping iced water at a street-side cafe. "How Peter?" it asked me. (Flora uses simplistic dialogue that doesn’t have pronouns.)
"I’m fine. Listen, Flora, would you mind telling me why you escaped and what you did during you Big Apple excursion?"
Flora cried. "Flora just doing Flora’s job!"
"What are you talking about, Flora?" I asked it.
It explained to me, "Flora Vegetable from planet Vegan. But Vegetarians dying out, so Vegetarians ask Flora find new home. Earth perfect, so Vegetarians invade Earth and make Earth new Vegan."
I just laughed. "Flora, you don’t have to invade Earth just to find a new home for your species. Have you considered asking the Earthlings politely? I don’t think we’d like you to invade our home without our permission."
Flora looked back at me. "Peter right. Flora find better way make Earth home for Vegetarians."
I smiled, then asked it, "Now what did you do while you were gone?"
It explained to me, "Flora hear about Vegetarians on Earth. Flora attend Vegetarians’ meeting. But Vegetarians not nice. Vegetarians brutes, eat plants. Flora knock evil Vegetarians out, teach Vegetarians lesson."
Laughing on the inside, but cautious not to hurt Flora any more, I explain to it how Earthlings eat both plants (like the vegetarians it was speaking of) and meat, and most eat both.
Flora didn’t understand the concept of eating. "Why not Earthlings make food?"
"Actually, Flora, Earth plants do make their own food. But humans can’t, because we don’t have the chlorophyll needed. We get what we need from plants and other animals."
Flora was mad. "Not right! Earthlings make food, like Flora!"
"Calm down, Flora. Actually, I have an idea. Why don’t you show me to your fellow Vegetarians, so I can explain to them about Earth and why we should try to find a peaceful home for them?"
Flora smiled. "Peter smart. Now Flora make Peter Vegetarian."
"But why?"
"Vegetarians only trust Vegetarians. Vegetarians trust Peter if Peter Vegetarian."
"And how will you do that, Flora?" I asked.
Flora smiled. "Peter pollinate Flora."
"WHAT?" I replied, startled. But Flora explained it for me when it started caressing its crotch flower. The flower soon opened, and it pushed back its stamen so I could see its style.
"I’m sorry, Flora, but on Earth we don’t do that sort of thing out in the open. We need a private room."
Flora was upset, but understood. "Take Flora greenhouse. Flora pollinate Peter in closet."
I hopped into my car, and Flora joined me. We made it back to privacy in the Center, and Flora re-stimulated itself until its crotch flower bloomed again. I gently caressed its body, then inserted my penis into its stamen. After thrusting back and forth awhile, I came, and Flora must have orgasmed (however that works for its species) at the same time. Just as I pulled out of Flora, I felt a weird tingling in my body. At first, the only visible change was in my skin, which started turning green. Then my torso took on more feminine proportions, growing wider hips and a skinnier waistline. Soon, I could see flowery breasts like Flora’s growing on my chest. I felt a strong urge to pull off my clothes, so that I could feel the sun’s healthy glow on my skin. My lungs and other internal organs rearranged themselves as I felt much stronger, as if I’d never have to eat again. I was feeling energy flowing into my body just standing there! Lastly, I felt a tingling in my crotch as it changed, and flower petals covered my rapidly modifying genitalia. Flora just smiled as it happened.
Finally Flora spoke. "Flora happy. Flora no longer alone on Earth. Flora pollinate lady three days ago, but lady cut lady’s head off before change finish. Flora have Vegetarian playmate!" It jumped for joy, singing odes of happiness all around me, until it finally returns to its senses. "Peter now Petal."
"Okay, my name is Petal," I replied, eager to get this out of my system. "But before we meet your friends to discuss the living arrangements, let’s have some more fun, shall we? My filament with your stamen?"
"Petal dirty. Flora like dirty Petal!" Flora smiled at me, then we went at it all over again. After resting up, we decided to visit her people tomorrow to discuss their future. I can hardly wait.
JUNE 17:
This morning, Flora took me into its spaceship, then we visited Vegan. I suggested to the Vegetarians that they could like inside a protected US wildlife refuge. They agreed, so we returned to Earth for the last stage of my plan. (Thank goodness the Vegetarians have developed spaceships that can travel between galaxies in a matter of hours!)
In the afternoon, we returned to Earth, and visited Mrs. Susan Botany, the head of the plant-life division of the US’s Wildlife and Parks Service. She was the one with the authority to grant our request for the privilege to live on federal parkland, with the protections of an endangered species. "No way. Get off your rocker!" was her initial response.
"Then you leave me no choice," I replied. I tore her clothes off. Though she threatened to call the National Guard on me, I kept my calm. I got my crotch flower to blossom, then inserted my filament into her. She was stunned at this unexpected rape, but I tried to soothe her and be gentle on her. After what felt like an eternity, she calmed down and tried to enjoy the experience. As I came, she also climaxed, and I watched Mrs. Botany change into a Vegetarian herself.
"Well, I never!" she replied. "Now that I can see what your, er, unusual point of view is like, I have no choice but to grant your request." Everything snowballed from there, and now the Vegetarians are getting ready for life here on Earth.
DECEMBER 20:
Winter’s coming, and this journal’s going. All 100 of the Vegetarians are enjoying life in this blessed grassland. Pretty soon, I’ll be giving birth to my first child with Flora, and I just know we’ll be having more. It’s fun, living life as a half-human, half-plant hermaphrodite! So much so, that when we moved into the forest in September, I quit the Research Center to live here full time. The sun gives us all the food we need, and all the streams provide us with a healthy dose of water. Even the hunters and lumberjacks don’t bother us now, having learned their lesson when poor Dahlia was "chopped down", and we gave that burly moron a change for the better. He’ll respect the green life from now on, cause he’s living it! And Flora has become like, well, like a wife to me. I think I’ll let Flora mother our next child. Since I don’t feel insecure any more, and this book is just wasting my precious cousins the trees, I think I’ll turn it into mulch and plant my roots here for awhile.
THE END
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