The Past Now And Forever

by Ashley Steele

  

These last few days are when the final pieces of Amy's life began to fall into place. At this moment I am standing before my paint easel working on a landscape of a walkway bridge over a gurgling stream on a beautiful sunny august afternoon. It is amazing how all my painting skills came back to me once I accepted myself as Amy Chastain in 1885.

When painting I become lost in my own little world and I lose all track of time then momma has to have Henry come to fetch me in the carriage.

This morning I had carefully selected a light blue outer dress after putting on my petticoats and corset. As Ashley I had never cared much about clothes, with him it was all cars, cars, and more cars. He was such a gear head. Another thing I still remember about being Ashley was that he was never much of a letter writer but as Amy I'm writing them all the time. Just last night I wrote a seven-page letter to Lucy. Boy, I can't wait to see her in September. Seems like I think about her all the time ever since she held me in bed that night when I was scared about not knowing who I was. This is one thing that still leave me confused, am I just a transvestite or a lesbian with my strong attraction for Lucy. It may be that a small fraction of Ashley's personality is sticking around but I guess that only time will tell. I suspect it may be his way of saying he's still in charge of my sexuality.

My life as Amy is pretty much full. Between painting my art, I have piano lessons, then practicing, I also knit, crochet; do needle point and everything a young girls does in this day and age. The weird thing is that I just love it.

I am so exited for tomorrow because my mother is taking me to New York City for a day of shopping for new clothes for school, staying overnight in the city, back Saturday afternoon, and then a surprise that night that my momma has for me. It's a surprise that I never dreamed of, expected, or wanted.

The overnight trip to New York was like a whirlwind. The sights, smells, and sounds of this city completely overwhelmed me; even though it was 1885 New York it was still great. My mother and I spent the afternoon shopping new clothes that I needed for school, we had dinner afterwards in the hotel restaurant, and we heard an outdoor concert in central park that evening. By the time my head hit the pillow, I had already fallen asleep dreaming about mommas big surprise the next night.

 

The next afternoon when we got back, momma sent me up to my room to get ready for our dinner guests for the evening. "And where your new red gown that we bought yesterday" momma called out as I started up the stairs to my room.

After having bathed, washed my hair, and having been corseted by the maid, I am sitting in my room all dressed waiting to be called down to meet my arriving guests. With time to kill, I sit at writing desk, pull out my diary, and flip it open to the next blank page and begin to write.

August 15, 1885

As I sit at my writing desk, I am so full of emotions. What is big surprise that momma has been so secretive about. The only thing that I know is it has to do with our dinner guests for tonight and I have to wait in my room until they arrive to be properly introduced. I must understand that it's still 1885 with different social standards than 2003, so I must be patient like a proper young woman.

 

As Amy closes her diary, Cassie, her maid, comes in to inform her that her guests have arrived. Thank you Cassie, I'll be right down.

Amy gracefully glides down the stairs and enters the parlor where she is induced by her mother to Winthrop and Virginia Easterton and their twenty-one year old son-Winthrop Francis Easterton III.

For some reason Amy started to feel ill, like a hard rock was beginning to form at the bottom of her stomach and she was going to throw up. Amy couldn't put her finger on why she suddenly felt this way but she still felt an impending doom as she picked at her food throughout dinner and only spoke when spoken to. It wasn't until dinner was finished and the five of them—Mr. and Mrs. Easterton, Winthrop, Momma, and myself retired to the parlor when I finally discovered momma's big surprise. I was being introduced to my future husband! Inside I was furious as I was told this had been arranged since the day that I was born a girl by my parents and his parents—I was to become Mrs. Winthrop Easterton the wife of the heir of the Easterton railroad company.

Ashley's voice screams in Amy's head, SHIT! Why are they doing this to me! How can momma force me to marry this twerp? He looks like he was born with a silver spoon up his butt and I have no say in the matter! This sucks!

Amy bursts into tears and runs from the room and up into her room. Momma soon follows to explain. Amy, we have always arranged marriages. Your father and I arranged for your sisters', just as I will arrange for yours. Just as our own parents did for us and their parents before them.

But momma, cries Amy!

No buts Amy, This is the way that it will be. You and Winthrop will announce your engagement as soon as you graduate from Miss Emily's in June. With that said, momma turned and left the room leaving Amy crying on her bed.

 

Still crying, Amy pulls open her diary and writes, how can momma expect me to marry a man I just met. I'm not even attracted to him. Wouldn't Cynthia Evans, back at Miss Emily's have a absolute conniption fit were she were to find out of this arrangement with the man of her dreams. I don't understand the rush to get me married. Momma knows of all my dreams of the future, they're so many things that I want to do with my life.

Amy hears Ashley's voice once again calmly telling her, we still have a whole year at Miss Emily's. Use this time to get us out of this predicament. This is our life and nobody has a right to tell us what to do with it. Once we get back to Miss Emily's, we have to try something like make Winthrop fall in love with someone else. Maybe Lucy can help come up with another better idea, she's our best friend so I sure that she'd love to.

 

So Amy stands, wipes her tears, and starts back downstairs with her head held up in a dignified manner. "Ah, there she is! Hope you're feeling better honey? I'll was just telling the Eastertons and Winthrop that you were just not feeling well. Maybe we should let Winthrop and Amy go for a walk in the gardens and get to know each other. That is just want we did, leaving momma and the Eastertons in the parlor while I showed Winthrop the house and grounds.

As we walked along the footpaths of our gardens, we mostly just talked small talk. Winthrop told me about school. As I was to begin my senior year at Miss Emily's Finishing School, he was to begin his last year at Harvard Business School and it was on to working for his father running the Easterton Railroad Company, eventually he would take over completely. It was when he told me of his plans for the company and his life, was when it occurred to me that I was only to be a wife and mother. Hell, it was more like he expected me to be a baby making machine spitting out heirs for the Easterton line.

"Winthrop, what about me? What about things I want to do with my life? There are more to life than having children". "Amy, you are well aware that this is the way things are done in our circles. We just can't marry anyone. Our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will grow up to be great people—senators, congressman, perhaps even the president. How will it look if they're descended from a lowly maid or a gardener?

 

Why that pompous ass! How can momma expect us to marry this snot-nosed spoiled elitist shit? I would rather have us marry a ditch digger or a seamstress and be in love than be subservient to this ass, exclaims Ashley in Amy's head.

 

As it got later into the evening and Winthrop kept droning on and on, Amy felt that same pit forming in the bottom of her stomach like she was going to throw up. What finally saved her was her maid Cassie coming to inform them that it was getting late and that the Eastertons were getting ready to leave. Why thank you my dear Cassie, if I weren't such a chick I would kiss you, thought Ashley.

Later that night as Amy lays awake thinking, there is no way in hell that I would marry that asshole. Even if I have to run away, I will. I vow I will never marry Winthrop Easterton III. As Amy makes this vow over and over again in her head, she gradually drifts off to a sound, deep sleep. The coming year at Miss Emily's will be quite a year.

 

 

 

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