Obsession              by: Stacy Bolan

 

I can remember the first time I saw her. I was on my way to work, when she sat down opposite me on the train. I noticed her perfume first. The sweet smell was captivating. Then when I looked up and saw her my heart skipped a beat. She was perfect. She was my dream girl and I knew I loved her immediately.

My only problem was my shyness. I wanted to say hello to her, but I was tongue-tied. I knew if I said the wrong thing, I would look like an idiot. As I tried to think of something to say she noticed my staring and it must have made her uncomfortable. Before I knew it she was standing up and moving to another seat. If I moved now I was really going to scare her.

I had done it again. If only I had said something instead of just staring. Well, It was too late now. The next station was mine and I would probably never see her again. As I stood to walk to the carriage door, she also stood up and walked to the next door. I knew then that I had another chance. She would need to pass me to leave the platform.

As she walked towards me, I knew exactly what I was going to say. I would apologize for staring at her and pay her a compliment at the same time. As she came closer, my nerves got the better of me and I walked out in front of her. I then walked away from the station, cursing my inability to talk to her.

When I got home, I was really upset. I had blown it again. No wonder I was so alone. Every time I saw a beautiful woman, I couldn't speak to her. My first thoughts were always, what if I look like an idiot. Why couldn't I just for once have the guts to say something to one of them? I was a loser and I deserved it.

Two weeks later I had given up any hope of seeing her again and I was really down. On my way home from work, I was so distracted that I missed my station. By the time that I realized where I was, the train had reached the last station. I was waiting for the train to make its return trip, when I saw her.

She was leaving the shopping center across from the station. My heart was thumping she was heading for the station and the train. I was going to get my second chance. As she was climbing the stairs to the station, a thousand thoughts ran through my head.

Finally, when I knew exactly what I would say, fate stepped in. One of the bags she was carrying split and the contents rolled out. Before I had a chance to react, another man was helping her. When they had collected everything, she smiled at him and then they boarded the train. All I could think was why not me?

That night as I slept, I dreamed of her. Only in my dream I had been the one to help her. We had then boarded the train together and gotten to know each other. When I woke up, I was tormented by the dream. I knew then that I was obsessed with meeting this woman.

As the weeks went by, I saw her occasionally, but I never had an opportunity to speak to her. My obsession with her became worse. I would dream of her in my sleep and I was now daydreaming about her. It was even starting to effect my work.

A few days later, I knew I had to do something or I would go mad. My work had a free counseling service, so I made an appointment. The counselor I saw Ms. Johanna was a nice woman. She listened to me and then suggested a few things I could do, to overcome my obsession. I took her advice and things improved for me until the next time I saw my fantasy woman.

Once again, I was on my way home on the train. Two stations before mine she got on the train. Although, she sat at the opposite end of the carriage my mind went haywire. Instead of just walking up to her and saying hello, I decided to follow her.

When we reached my station, I waited for her to get off before I raced to the door and got off. I then followed her to her house. To my surprise it was directly behind mine. I was confused, I had known the family who lived there most of my life. The Hanson's didn't have a daughter only a son.

The Hanson's moved in when I was only 10 and their son had been the bane of my existence. He was my age and a bully. From the moment we met, he had tormented me. Then when we were 16 he disappeared. His parents told everyone he had gone to live with his Aunt, but I had heard the fight the night he went away.

It was a Friday during summer and his parents had left him at home for the night. It was so hot that I had decided to sleep out in my old tree house in the backyard. I was almost asleep, when I heard it. His parents must have come home early and caught him doing something. Then I heard his father screaming at him. I couldn't hear everything, but I did hear, "You fucking pervert. What do you think you're doing?" I then heard him scream back, "I knew you'd never understand," and then a door slammed.

Shortly after that I saw him come out their back door with a bag and sneak away. At school the rumors about him soon circulated and then died away. His father seemed to be embarrassed about his son and his mother would just cry each time he was mentioned.

Then three years later, his parents divorced and his mother got the house in the divorce. Was my fantasy woman, a relative of hers? I had to know. When my parents had died a year ago, Mrs. Hanson had been there for me. At first I had not wanted to accept her help, but she was persistent. Before I knew it she was consoling me and we got to know each other quite well. She became almost like a surrogate mother to me. Then after that we became good friends and she told me to call her Kerry.

When I rang her doorbell, Kerry answered and seemed surprised to see me. When she invited me in, we went straight into the kitchen. That's strange I thought, normally we sit in her lounge and talk. After we sat down, she asked me, "David what brings you here tonight?" I could hardly tell her that I had followed a woman to her house, so I told her I had just decided to visit.

As we sat and talked, Kerry seemed a little worried. She would glance at the door from her kitchen to the lounge and back at me every couple of minutes. Kerry had never hidden anything from me before. What was she hiding? Was she worried about me seeing her visitor and if so why? Who was this woman, I had followed here?

None of my questions were answered that night though. Kerry made some excuse and I was asked to leave. As soon as her front door closed, I heard another voice coming from inside. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but it was very suspicious. Why hadn't Kerry introduced us?

After I got home, I tried not to think about the mystery woman at Kerry's, but it was hard. She was after all, my fantasy woman and I was obsessed with her. I was so intrigued with the mystery that I had trouble sleeping .As I laid in bed, I came up with a plan to find out who she was.

I would ring work tomorrow and claim to be sick. I would then wait for the mystery woman to leave and follow her. Surely, something she did would give me a clue, as to who she was. The plan started well and after I rang work, I climbed into my old tree house and watched the house. When a taxi pulled up, they both left the house and got in. Even if I rushed to my car, I wouldn't be able to follow.

I then realized, I could just take the taxi details and ring the company and give them a story to get some information. When I rang the company, I was advised that they were not at liberty to give me any information. I was so annoyed with myself. Why hadn't I planned for something like this?

Twenty minutes later, I was sitting in my tree house, when I noticed that the back door of the Hanson house was open. My curiosity got the better of me and before I knew it, I had climbed their fence and was entering the house. I quickly looked around the house for anything to answer my questions. I was not having any luck, when I heard a car pull up.

I looked out the front window and saw it was them. They were back and I had to get out of the house quickly. I don't think I had ever moved so fast, I was out the back door and over the fence, when I heard the second voice from last night.

"Mum, did you leave the back door open?" she asked. Kerry replied, "No Sam, It must be that faulty lock again. I must get someone to have a look at it." The other voice then replied, "Don't worry Mum, I'll take a look at it after lunch." The door then closed and I went back into my house.

After the adrenaline stopped flowing, I was disgusted with myself. What justified me, entering their house? I must be mad, I thought. This obsession has me breaking the law. I really needed to do something, to stop myself. The only thing I was happy about was that I hadn't taken anything and that I knew a little more about the mystery woman.

Her name was Sam, most likely short for Samantha and she must be Kerry's daughter-in-law. Why else would she call her Mum? But now, I had other questions, where was her husband, Michael? Why wasn't he here as well?

I sat at my kitchen table and tried to think of answers to my new questions. The only problem was that every time I came up with an answer, a new question arose. It was two hours later that I knew that I needed help. Luckily, it was still early enough for me to ring, Ms. Johanna the counselor.

After I called her and made an appointment, I felt relieved. With a little help from her, I was sure I could get over my obsession with Sam. After work the next day, I went to see Ms. Johanna. After I told her what had happened, she advised me to see a friend of hers. This friend was a psychiatrist, a Dr. Young and she believed that I really needed his help.

I wasn't sure at first, but after we talked a little more I knew she was right. My behavior lately, was not that of a sane person. Ms. Johanna made the appointment for me and I left. The appointment was for Friday and it was only Tuesday. I just hoped that I could survive the rest of the week without doing anything stupid.

Well, I almost lasted. It was Thursday night before I did something stupid. I hadn't seen Samantha in days and I just needed to see her. So I sneaked over the back fence and peered in the kitchen window. Nobody was there, so I moved around the house, looking in all the windows. When I got to Michael's old bedroom window, I hit pay dirt. Samantha was there and she was partially undressed.

I had imagined what she would look like without clothes, but now I was about to see it first hand. Her breasts were beautiful and I needed to see more of her. As I crept closer to the window, I stepped on something. It made a loud noise and I quickly ducked. As I scampered for the fence, Samantha screamed. "Mum, there's someone out there. Call the police."

As I scaled the fence, I just hoped that she hadn't seen my face. An hour later, I had my clothes in the washing machine and I had showered. As I was heading to bed, my doorbell rang. When I opened the door it was the police. I was about to admit I was the peeping tom, when they asked me if I had heard or seen anything unusual about an hour ago.

I said that I hadn't and they thanked me for my assistance before they left. I had been lucky this time, but why was I doing such stupid things? I just hoped that, Dr. Young could help me. I was really sick and needed all the help I could get. Although I was tired, I was so worried about what I had done that I didn't sleep at all that night.

After having no sleep, I guess I was a little paranoid. But I was terrified that everyone would now what I had done, so I rang in sick. By 4.00pm, my paranoia had settled down a bit and I left to see Dr. Young. When I got there, I was glad that nobody else was waiting and after completing the relevant forms I was shown into his office.

Dr. Young came in a couple of minutes later, and my session started. After I confirmed with him that everything I said was confidential, I told him my story. He was amazed at the things that I had done and how far my obsession had taken over my life. He then suggested that I might be using Samantha as a substitute for something missing in my life.

Maybe, he was right. It had been a year since my parent's death and I had nobody else in my life. My life was my job and nothing else. Dr. Young then suggested that he use hypnosis on me. It wasn't until he said, "David, I think it will help you to overcome your shyness and help cure you of your obsession, that I agreed.

Soon after agreeing, I was in a trance. I could hear Dr. Young as he started questioning me and I was unable to lie to him. After a while, I could see the direction his questions were taking. He was leading me towards my sex life, what little there was of it. I can remember thinking, do all psychiatrists relate mental problems to sex.

Just as I thought he was going to ask about my sex life, he stopped. He then made some suggestions to help me with my obsession, and brought me out of the trance. He then said, "David, I want you to make another appointment for Monday," before he left the room. I was not sure of what he had done, but I did feel a little better. After making the appointment I went home.

When I got home, I was extremely tired and I went to bed. When I woke up it was late Saturday morning and I needed to do some shopping. I just hoped that, I wouldn't see Samantha. Things went well and I finished shopping and returned home without seeing her once.

I stayed in all Sunday and watched TV and then went to bed. Monday morning, I went to work and then I went straight to Dr. Young's rooms. It was as I was entering his rooms that I ran into someone. I looked up to say sorry, only to see Samantha. She seemed as shocked to see me, as I was to see her. She then rushed away.

When I saw Dr. Young, I told him about running into her. He told me it was just a coincidence and then he hypnotized me again. I was surprised, when he didn't immediately start with my sex life. Instead he asked me questions about Samantha. He wanted to know what it was about her that had me so interested. I had no answer to the question, she just fascinated me.

His next question was even more interesting. He asked me if she reminded me of anybody? After searching my memory, I could only think of one person, Michael. Why had I thought that? Michael had been my worst enemy, why would I choose someone who reminded me of him?

I wanted to explore the Michael situation a little more, but Dr. Young changed directions again. Before he asked his next questions he told me he wanted to take me into a deeper trance. I agreed and then he said, "David the questions I am going to ask you now are personal and may cause you some discomfort. I need honest responses to them or I will not be able to help you. Do you understand?" I answered, "Yes Dr. I do."

He wasn't wrong about the questions making me uncomfortable. He asked me about my sexual history. I told him about my first girlfriend and he then delved deeper. "David, have you ever had sex with another man?" he asked. It all then came rushing back to me. The day that Michael and I had sex with each other.

How had he known? I had locked that day deep into my subconscious. I hadn't even discussed it with anyone. The only other person who could of known was Michael. Was that why Samantha had been there? No, Michael wouldn't tell his wife about what he had done to me. I then twigged, Samantha was Michael. I was obsessed with a woman who was really a man.

Dr. Young must have known that I had figured out who Samantha was, because his next question was about her. "David, do you think that you saw Michael in Samantha that first time?" After thinking for a little while, I knew that I had. That revelation brought me out of the trance and even Dr. Young's attempts to calm me were useless. Everything came flooding in on me and I was a gibbering mess.

For all those years, I had suppressed the memories of that day. If only I had talked about it, I may have been able to accept my feelings. Rather than hating Michael, I loved him. He hadn't bullied me at all, he had been my best friend. I had told him of my feelings that day and he had understood me. I had found someone who didn't think I was weird.

We had then held each other and soon we had started kissing. Before long, we were having sex. After we finished, Michael begged me not to tell anyone and then we had parted. I had read into his request and got the wrong message. I thought he had hated it and didn't want anything more to do with me. Well, if I wasn't good enough for him, then he could go to hell.

The next couple of days, I totally ignored Michael. Little did I know that by shunning him, I was really hurting him. We both dealt with our day together in different ways. I suppressed it and pulled into an emotional shell. Then as protection, my subconscious had made him an enemy. That way I could forget what had happened. Michael must have gone the other way and accepted his real feelings.

It was no wonder, that I was unable to express my feelings. I couldn't even admit them to myself. I needed to see Michael/Samantha and clear things up. That was the only way that I could stop this obsession. But from the way she had reacted to seeing me, she wanted nothing to do with me. Maybe, Dr. Young could help.

When I asked him to help me, he told me that he would need to ask Samantha. Even though, he had used some information from Samantha's sessions, he had only done so after getting Samantha's approval. Then Dr. Young crushed my hopes by saying, "David, Samantha didn't know I was helping you with information from her sessions. But, now that she knows you are seeing me too, I think she may know. Please, don't approach her before I tell you it is okay."

I knew I had to agree. I had already hurt the person I loved and couldn't continue doing it. After I left Dr. Young's rooms, I felt emotionally drained. I didn't even know who or what I was. I really hoped that Dr. Young could get Samantha to talk to me. Without her help, I knew I would never be whole again and I really needed to tell her how sorry I was.

A week later, I had not heard from Dr. Young and was frantic. Maybe I had hurt Michael/Samantha more than I realized. I called Dr. Young's rooms and was lucky, there had been a cancellation and he could see me in one hour. When I saw Dr. Young he had bad news for me. He had not been able to contact Samantha. Every time he called, her mother had told him she wasn't there, and she had missed her latest session.

Just before our session finished, Dr. Young made me promise not to try and contact her again. I made the promise, but I had no intention of keeping it. Over the last week, I had grown to accept that Samantha was now a woman and that I loved her. I had also accepted one other thing. I would do whatever she wanted to make things right between us.

I didn't even return to my home after our session. I went straight to the Hanson's. When I got there, Kerry told me she wasn't there and she didn't know where she was. I didn't want to believe her, Samantha had to be there. Then when I looked at Kerry again, I knew she was telling me the truth. Her eyes were red and teary, she was crying.

That was enough to set me off too. Soon, we were crying together. After a while Kerry invited me in. Once we were inside, we held each other until we were cried out. It was just like when my parents had died. Kerry then explained what had happened over the last week.

After Sam had come home from her last session with Dr. Young, she had changed. The normally bubbly person had become a recluse. She stopped taking care of herself and was always crying. After three days of putting up with her, Kerry had demanded to know what was going on. Sam had then told her about running into me.

Kerry had then done something the same thing I had done. She had jumped to conclusions. It seems that she had not known the whole story. She told Sam not to worry. There was no way that I would know who she was. After all, she looked so different to what Michael had. Sam had then burst into tears again and locked herself in her room.

After that, no matter what she tried Sam wouldn't come out. Then when she went out today she came back to find that Sam had left. When she had looked in her room, she had found all of her clothes were still there and a note. Kerry then handed the note to me and I read it. After reading it, I could see why she was so upset. The note read, "Mum, I can't take it anymore. Please understand. Goodbye, Samantha."

I didn't know what I was going to do. Had I driven Sam to kill herself? If so could I live with all of the guilt I felt? We had to find her and fast, but where should we start? After Kerry and I discussed it we went out to look for her. We went to all of the places we could think of but there was no sign of her. It was after midnight that we finally gave up. Sam obviously didn't want to be found.

After we returned to Kerry's house, I felt as guilty as hell. Whilst, I wanted to tell Kerry everything, I couldn't. She was already distraught and telling her would only make things worse. Instead, we just sat and talked about everything and nothing. Then at about 5.00am the phone rang. As I was closest to the phone I answered it. It was the police, they wanted her to come to the morgue to identify a body.

I was shocked and just dropped the phone. After I pulled myself together and hung up the phone, I told Kerry who had been on the phone. She reacted by fainting. When she came around, we knew what had to be done. As the morgue was on the opposite side of town, I drove. At the morgue we were taken into a room and asked to view the body through a window.

As they wheeled in the body, we both sighed with relief. The body just looked too big for it to be her. When they pulled back the sheet, we were shocked it was Mr. Hanson, Kerry's ex-husband. Kerry, is not a cold person, but I could tell that she was glad that it wasn't Sam. After finishing the paperwork, we returned to Kerry's.

As it was now after 7.00 in the morning and I hadn't slept, I rang in sick to work. Kerry and I then went out looking for Sam again. Just after midday, we were almost out on our feet and knew we needed to sleep, so we went home. I left Kerry at her house and was walking up to my home when, I heard the phone ringing. I rushed in and it was Kerry, "David, she's alive, Sam's okay," she squealed.

After I calmed her down, she explained what had happened. Sam had left a message on her answering machine. She had rung whilst we were out looking for her. I was so relieved, Sam was alive. After hanging up the phone, I went straight to bed and slept for hours.

It was just after 8.00 that night that I woke up and got myself something to eat. I then called Kerry and asked if Sam had called again. She hadn't, but Kerry sounded a bit better and just wanted to talk. As we were speaking, my front doorbell rang. I excused myself for a moment and went to the door. When I opened the door, I was amazed it was Samantha.

She was standing at my front door and I couldn't speak. I then remembered that her mother was on the phone. As I rushed to tell Kerry her daughter was at my house, Sam said, "David, can I come in?" "I'm sorry Sam," I replied, "I'm just so glad to see you. Let me just tell your mother and then we can talk." "Please, don't tell her yet, we need to talk first," she pleaded. "If you tell her I won't be able to stay, " she continued.

She followed me in and listened as I spoke to her mother. After pretending it was a door to door salesperson, I told Kerry I needed to go. Sam and I then sat down in the kitchen and looked at each other. After we sat that way, for a couple of minutes she started talking.

I listened to her and she told me what had happened after we had sex. Rather than being ashamed of what she had done, it had made her realize something about herself. She had always felt different and had at first thought she was crazy. She had often dressed in her mother's clothes, because she felt more comfortable. It wasn't a sex thing it just felt right. Then when we had sex, she knew what she was. She was a woman in the wrong body.

I was engrossed in her story as she continued. It seemed that my rejection of her had hurt. She thought that I must have been revolted by our actions. I had to stop her there and tell her what had really happened. She listened to me and I told her that I had felt the same way. I had just taken her request not to tell anyone as her being disgusted with what we had done.

After we exchanged looks of understanding, she continued. Her explanation of what had happened the night she left followed. Knowing that her parents were going to be out, she had dressed. As she was so comfortable in her mother's clothes, she had fallen asleep only to be woken by her parents coming home. Her father had gone berserk and called him all sorts of things and then hit him. She had been so scared of what her father would tell people, that she ran away.

When she looked up at me, I could see she was ready to cry. I really wanted to comfort her, but I was unsure of how she would take it. She then looked down again and continued. After running away, she had in fact gone to her Aunts. As she had slept that night her Aunt had rung and found out from her sister what had happened. Her Aunt was a very understanding woman and had not told her she knew what had happened.

She had however, talked her into seeing a psychologist. Months later, Sam had been diagnosed as a transsexual. Her father who was homophobic refused to see him, but her mother would visit when she could. It was his father's inability to accept him, that lead to the breakdown of his parents' marriage. After a few months of counseling, Michael was taking female hormones. Shortly after that Samantha was born and Michael died.

As she was so young, her body had adapted quite well and she was soon quite feminine. She then started her "Real Life" test. She explained that it meant living full time as a woman for at least two years. During that time she continued her counseling. It was during this counseling that she recognized the need to clear up problems from her life as Michael.

To help her complete this, she had returned home and started seeing Dr. Young. Although she had told most people, she had been afraid to tell me. She was scared that I would beat her up or worse. This fear she told me was because her subconscious had changed my rejection of her to me being homophobic, like her father.

Dr. Young had been trying to help her overcome this fear, when she first saw me on the train. When I had stared at her, she had thought I recognized her and her fear had made her move. When she had spoken to Dr. Young about it he had explained it was a typical reaction of a man to a beautiful woman. It had helped, but she was still unsure and continued to see Dr. Young.

After a while she had become more confident and was almost ready, when she had seen me going into Dr. Young's rooms. Seeing me there had undone all of his work. She had even decided that Dr. Young was somehow setting her up. He had after all gotten her permission to use some of her information. She just thought that he was selling it to me.

When she had gone home she was a mess. Her mother had done her best to help her but even she couldn't help After all this time she still didn't know the full story. It was then that I realized what we had done to each other. Our inability to tell each other how we had felt that day had screwed us both up.

My emotional shell and her paranoia were both results of our stupidity. I reacted without thinking and the next thing I knew we were hugging each other. She felt wonderful and smelled even better. Our need to comfort each other was overwhelming and we were soon kissing each other. We both then knew that we had always loved each other and that only our egos had stopped us from being together.

We could quite easily have made love right then and there, but we knew that it was not the right time. We still had much to discuss and we had to tell her mother what had really happened. When we walked around to her mother's we walked hand in hand. As we walked up the Hanson's drive, Kerry ran out and hugged us both.

What she said next though astounded us both. "So you've finally found each other again, have you?" How had she known? Sam had never told her and I certainly hadn't. It wasn't until later that she told us. She had pieced it together. Whenever she had gone to see Sam she had always asked about me and I always seemed a little too interested in where Michael was. Then when Sam had returned she could see it in our eyes.

After we told her of that day all those years ago, she just hugged us and told us how silly we had both been. The old saying that confession is good for the soul is true. After we had admitted what had happened, we both felt much better. Kerry then told us that maybe she should leave us alone. She really is a very understanding woman.

After she left we went to Samantha's room and I finally got to see her naked. Sam was right those hormones had done wonders. There was only one small thing that showed she had been a man. No, I'm not being nasty, the hormones she was on had caused it to shrink. Sam knew how I felt about her by the bulge I had in my pants. Unlike the previous time we had been together, we made love this time. Yes, It is different, when you know that you truly love each other. Soon after that Sam moved in with me and we now live as man and wife.

You're probably wondering if I ever told her about peeping on her and illegally entering her mother's house, of course I did. After all we had been through truth is very important to us. Sam even admitted some things to me that I had never known. You may remember I mentioned having a girlfriend, well Sam caused our break-up.

She knew it was vindictive but if she couldn't be happy, she was sure as hell going to ensure I wasn't. She was the one who put the panties under the front seat of my car, that Sarah found. What Sam didn't know, was that soon after that I found out Sarah had been cheating on me. By breaking us up she had saved me from retreating further into my emotional shell. When I told her we both had a good laugh.

I'm not going to tell you whether or not Sam has had the operation or whether we are legally married. It's none of your business. All that matters is that we love each other. I'm not one for morals in stories but I hope our story teaches the people who read it one thing. If you love someone tell them, it can prevent a lot of pain and suffering.

Oh by the way, if you can remember how I first noticed Samantha it was her smell. After she moved in, I found out what it was. Yes, you guessed it she wears the perfume, Obsession.

 

 

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