No Half Measures

by Jenny Walker

© 2003

  

Part 11

CHAPTER 23

 

It was with a heavy heart that I drove up to Cardiff on Saturday morning. I had been putting it off but knew that I should go and see my parents. This time I was going without the moral support of my sister. It was deliberate on my part. I had to feel that I could cope with seeing my parents without using Claire as a crutch every time. I arrived in time for lunch. The greetings were warm enough, but I sensed an undercurrent of concern from both of them. The conversation was polite and civilised over lunch and I updated them with what was happening on the musical front. They asked questions here and there, but I could tell that they weren't overly interested. After lunch Dad made some excuse about popping out for a message which I rightly interpreted as the cue for Mum to have a little chat with me.

"Nicola dear, are you OK?"

"Yes Mum, really I'm fine. Things are going well with me and I have to say that I can't recall being happier than I am now. Well in recent years anyway."

Her expression fell visibly, "Well that's good dear."

I winced, "Mum would you rather I was unhappy?"

"No, of course not. It's just that…," she sighed and her voice trailed off.

I finished it for her, "You were hoping I wouldn't be happy and would think about going back to being Nick."

She smiled ruefully and gave a little nod. "I'm sorry Nicola, I can't help it. But that is what your father and I were hoping for."

I didn't feel angry and it would not have helped. I thought for a few moments, "Mum would you prefer me to be Nick and miserable and a loser, or Nicola and happy and achieving what I've always wanted."

She screwed up her face, "I can't answer that."

I nodded, "I know." I reached for her hand and squeezed it, "Just try and think about that question though when you are thinking about me."

My mother squeezed my hand back. "And what about your…your…," she gestured to my bosom.

I laughed, "What about my breasts you mean?"

She looked embarrassed and nodded. "You haven't had any problems since the…surgery?"

I shook my head, "Not at all. I'm really pleased with them." I did feel very strange having this conversation with my mother, but I was only too pleased that my father had felt he was not up to participating.

She sighed, "Are you sure you know what you are doing?"

I nodded and spoke quietly, "Yes Mum. I am."

 

----------*----------

 

We had a quiet leisurely dinner together that evening and all things considered, it wasn't too bad. I got the impression that my parents were making a concerted effort to try and be relaxed and manage to spend time with me without having more confrontations. The next morning at breakfast I said that I would be happy to go to Church with them, but if it made them feel uncomfortable I said I would stay home. Dad actually gave me one of his rare smiles and told me that it was not in his nature to discourage any child of his from going to the house of the Lord. And so we went. I wore my conservative grey suit and certainly wasn't planning on attracting any attention to myself. It didn't quite work out like that.

We were there early as it was my father's turn to man the door. I sat with my mother and we chatted idly about this and that as the Church slowly began to fill up. My father appeared at the end of our pew with a young man in a dark suit.

"Nicola," my father said, "I wonder if you would be able to help us out."

I looked up and was puzzled, "What is it?"

"This is Nathan Jones our assistant minister," my father said.

I was still none the wiser, "Err hello?" I held out my hand almost as a reflex and he shook it and gave me a warm smile.

He said, "Nicola, we are in a bit of a fix. Our organist has just phoned to say he is unwell and can't make it. Mrs. Riordan who would normally fill in on the piano is away on holidays and I'm afraid the rest of us are a fairly untalented bunch in this area."

"Uh huh," I said noncommittally.

He smiled, "Well your father mentioned that you were a bit of a pianist and I wondered if you might be able to fill in. I'm so sorry to land on you like this with no notice what with you only visiting with us and all."

I hesitated and looked my mother and father and saw their expectant eyes on me. I sighed and shrugged and then gave Nathan a smile, "Sure. I'll try my best and I hope it will be alright."

"Thanks so much, I really appreciate it."

I left my position of obscurity and he escorted me to the front of the Church to the upright piano. I could see many of the already seated congregation looking at me and talking to their neighbours. No doubt they were wondering who on earth I was. I took a quick look at the hymns that were listed for the service. It had been a while since I had played in Church. I had done it fairly regularly in my teenage years and I thankfully recognised most of the pieces. The service started and I certainly thanked God for the musical ear and the sight-reading eye that He had given me as the service progressed. I managed to get through all of the pieces without losing my place or the congregation on the way.

At the end of the service I was closing the piano lid and turning to look for my parents when Nathan came up the aisle to where I was.

"Nicola, thank you again so much. You were magnificent and far too modest. You are an excellent pianist."

I felt myself flush a little and idly wondered where all the sympathetic nerves to my face had sprouted from in the past few months. "Thank you."

He shifted a little where he stood and gave me a hesitant smile, "I feel I should make it up to you somehow."

I was a little taken aback, "Oh that's not necessary at all."

He shook his head, "No please. I understand you are not from Cardiff whereas I am a native. I know you are only visiting for the weekend, but I would be delighted if I could take you on a walk around Cardiff Castle and its grounds this afternoon."

Now I was really knocked for six. Was the assistant minister of my parents' Church asking me out? What could I say? What would my parents think? However when I thought about it, what could I say? "Umm, that would be lovely thanks." He arranged to pick me up at three o'clock at my parents' house.

I walked back to the car with my parents. "You played very well dear."

"Thanks Mum."

"What was Nathan talking to you about at the end of the service?"

"Umm, well he was thanking me and he insisted that he repaid the favour by taking me for a walk around Cardiff Castle this afternoon."

My father stiffened a little and I could see him digesting this piece of information. "What did you say?" he asked.

I shrugged, "What could I say? He was fairly insistent. I said yes."

My father looked like he wanted to say a whole lot of things but nothing was coming out. So I continued, "It's not as if I'm going to marry him Dad. He wants to take me for a walk." We got into the car.

He nodded, "I'm just not happy about you deceiving him. He's a good man."

I shook my head, "Deceiving him? What you want me to tell him that I'll go for a walk with him as long as he doesn't mind that I used to be a man?"

My mother intervened, "Nicola, you know what he means."

"Yes I do. But you both have to realise that I'm not living my life wrapped in cotton wool. I have a life, I go out, I meet people. I am who you now see. This is me."

I knew after I said this that they would be wanting to ask me who exactly I met and went out with, but neither of them could bring themselves to ask. Our Sunday dinner was a little more awkward and the conversation stilted. It was almost a relief when the doorbell rang just after three. I had changed into a black roll neck sweater and knee-length denim skirt as it was more practical attire for going walking. Nathan smiled when I came out.

"Lovely to see you again Nicola." He was more casually attired and when I looked at him I guess he was what you would call handsome. Fairly tall, dark-haired, chiselled features. We made polite conversation as he drove us to the park. We covered the basic background details. He was in his final year of his theology degree and was student assistant at the Church with a view to becoming full time assistant minister the next year. He was very interested when he heard that I was about to enter the recording studio the very next day to record my own album. Despite my initial reticence, I soon relaxed. He was very polite and had a kind manner.

I grinned, "You know, I sort of feel uncomfortable going out this afternoon with a minister."

He laughed, "Well I'm not a fully fledged minister yet, but think how I feel as I have a rock star with me."

We walked around the castle and its grounds in the afternoon sunshine and I found that I was actually enjoying myself. Nathan was quite witty and wasn't the stereotypical picture of the village vicar that I had had in mind. I told him this and he laughed, "And you're not quite the stereotypical raunchy rock star that I pictured when you mentioned it."

I winced a little and he noticed it, "What? Did I say something wrong Nicola?"

I grinned ruefully, "Nathan, I tend to tone my image down a bit when I'm at my parents. I'm afraid that I may not appear quite as demure as you may think at other times."

He smiled, "Outward appearances aren't as important as what is inside and I do like to think that I am a fair judge of character."

"I'm afraid I'm not as good as I should be in that regard either."

"None of us are Nicola."

 

----------*----------

 

After my long drive back from Cardiff to London, I barely had the energy for more than a quick chat with Jools before I fell into bed. Perhaps it was a blessing as I was also too tired to get nervous about entering the recording studio the next day. However when I woke the next morning, my nerves caught up with me and wouldn't leave me alone. Kate sensed it during our run.

"You seem preoccupied this morning?" she commented.

I smiled apologetically, "Yeah. Sorry. I'm a little wound up about starting to record today."

"You'll be fine. From what I saw on Friday night, you have nothing to worry about."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. Playing live is different. It's supposed to be raw and to a certain extent rough and ready. I can do that. But recording is a more precise art where you are looking for perfection."

Kate laughed and winked, "I know perfection when I see it."

I laughed, "You're just a big flirt, you are."

She raised an eyebrow, "I can't deny that."

After an invigorating shower back at the apartment, I sat on the bed with my towel wrapped around me and contemplated what I should wear. It really shouldn't have mattered. I was only going to record, not to perform. I shook my head. That was not quite true. It was a performance, and for me I now realised that looks and appearance were an integral part of performance. Well for me they were. I couldn't quite imagine Jon or the other guys wasting too much brain time over choosing what they were going to wear today. I smirked to myself. Nick wouldn't have worried too much either. Things were simpler then I thought. I looked through my wardrobe and smiled to myself. Things were also much more boring too. I finally decided on a black body top and my checked miniskirt with the ubiquitous matching boots. A fair amount of time was spent in front of the mirror doing my hair and makeup. So much time in fact that Jools was banging on my door informing me that if I didn't hurry up I was not going to have time for breakfast. This was not a particular problem in my opinion given the current state of my digestive tract as I contemplated the day ahead.

When finally I was happy with my appearance, I left my room and joined Jools for a quick cup of coffee. Jools it seemed had also been spending time on the beauty front. She was sharply dressed in a black business suit. I grinned at her.

"Looking good Jools. Out to make an impression?"

She laughed and nodded at me, "Oh yes, as are you I see."

We were both nervous it seemed. Jools contended that it was worse for her. I could not work that one out so she elaborated, "Well at least the proceedings of what happens from here on are within your hands. Me? I can't do anything about it. I'm dependent on you guys not messing up and letting me down."

I laughed and gave her a quick poke in the ribs, "Hey and there was me thinking I had a hard job to do. How selfish of me not to see if from your side."

 

----------*----------

 

Air Studios was located in Lyndhurst Hall in Hampstead. It was a Victorian Church which later was used as a missionary school until it was bought by George Martin, the famous Beatles producer. He renovated it and relocated his Air Studios there. I drove us there and found a nearby parking space. It was a beautiful old building and had been restored to its former glory. We arrived just after nine o'clock and made our way into the reception area. We were greeted by a smiling woman who looked to be in her late twenties. She was a little taller than me and had shoulder length fair hair.

"Hi," she said brightly, "Are you Cara Malone?" She was looking at me.

"Yes," I said as I smiled shyly.

"Great! I've been expecting you. I'm Laura Neeson. I guess I'm sort of the morale officer of Air Studios." She must have seen the puzzled look on my face so she continued, "Well, my job is to make sure that all our clients are well catered for during their time here with us. If you have any problems with the facilities here, if there is anything you need, give me a shout and I'll see what I can do."

I nodded, "OK Laura, nice to meet you. Are any of my band here yet?"

She checked her clipboard, "Let me see. Jon, Kevin and Brian are here. Oh and Mr. Andrews is also here too. Shall I take you through to Studio 1?"

We nodded our assent and she led the way. She gave us a mini guided tour of the building on the way and I was almost overcome at the scale of the Lyndhurst Hall studio. It was the auditorium of the former Church and it was massive. High ceilings and stained glass windows. It was awesome. Laura noticed my expression, "It's quite impressive isn't it?"

"I'll say," I murmured.

"It's most often used for orchestral recordings and the like."

She led us into Studio 1 which was everything like you would imagine a modern state of the art recording studio to be. From the anteroom she led us into the control room where two men were talking together. Through the large window I could see into the main studio and saw the three guys setting up their equipment. At the sound of our entrance the two men turned around and stopped talking.

Laura introduced us, "Cara Malone and Julie Carstairs, meet Steve Yarwood, your producer and Tom Dickson, your sound engineer." She then excused herself and said she would send Noel up when he arrived.

"Hi," I said shyly and smiled.

Steve seemed to be the opposite of Tom. Whereas Steve was tall and bulky in build, Tom was diminutive and wiry. Steve was fair haired with a light complexion and Tom had tanned features and jet black hair. Steve leaned back against the console and turned to Tom, "Just as I feared Tom, just as I feared."

Tom nodded and with a large intake of breath sighed, "Yep. Seems like it."

I was a little perturbed and confused. I looked at Jools but she returned my look blankly. "Erm, is there a problem," I asked.

Steve looked back at me with a deadpan expression on his face, "I'm afraid so. You see we keep telling all these record company executives to stop making our job more difficult than it already is."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

Tom nodded, "I don't understand either. It would be a lot simpler otherwise."

I screwed up my face, I was totally lost, "Otherwise?"

Steve nodded, "Yes. You see it's hard enough to focus on the job at hand. Recording is a fine art which requires full concentration. It's a difficult job."

I was starting to get worried now. Was there some mistake? "I'm not sure I understand the problem."

Steve nodded and tutted. "It's so much harder to focus on making a good record when they keep sending beautiful girls down to us. A real distraction, wouldn't you say Tom?"

I really wasn't sure how to take this bizarre exchange. I didn't know what to say, but it was Tom who spoke anyway with a furrowed brow, "Absolutely Steve. Do you think we could ask her to try to not look so pretty?"

Steve turned to Tom and shook his head with a grimace, "No, look at her. Impossible. Wouldn't work. Good thought though."

Tom nodded and sighed, "And you know, I bet she's fantastically talented too."

Steve nodded grimly, "You're probably right. Makes it even harder."

Tom inclined his head, "Yep Steve. I think I'm in love."

At this point I laughed and both of them looked at me quizzically. "You're winding me up," I said.

They both looked at each other blankly and Tom spoke, "She doesn't believe us."

Steve shook his head, "Probably better for all concerned that way." He turned to face me and I thought I detected a little wink. He smiled and held out his hand, "Delighted to meet you Cara."

I shook both of their hands and still didn't quite know how to take them. "So is the comedy double act part of the package or do we pay extra for it?" I asked with a twinkle in my eye. I was determined to hold my ground with them.

Tom looked up at Steve, "Feisty too. Just my kind of girl."

Steve smirked at me, "Oh it's most definitely extra. Well we can't sit around chatting all day, I think we have work to do."

"So what do I do?" I asked brightly.

Tom smiled at me and winked, "You're the star. You wait 'til we are all set up and then we call you in to work your magic. No seriously, we are going to work with the guys on getting their gear set up and then test the acoustics of the instruments. We'll do a lot of work on getting their sound space sorted out, work on how we are going to record them and so on. Boring technical stuff. We have an artist's lounge through there with refreshments, DVD player, hi-fi and the like."

I smiled, "I don't think it sounds boring, actually I'm quite fascinated and if you don't mind I'd like to watch what you do."

Steve raised an eyebrow and turned to Tom and muttered at a volume that he knew we could hear, "I give her 'til lunchtime and she'll be bored and in the lounge."

"Ten quid and you're on," Tom muttered back and held out his hand.

Steve shook it and nodded, "Deal."

I turned to Jools and rolled my eyes and in my own loud mutter said, "I can see I'm going to have trouble with these two."

 

----------*----------

 

Steve won his ten pounds from Tom. By lunchtime I was indeed in the artist's lounge. The first few hours of trying different drum microphones was barely enough to keep me awake. Noel had arrived late and got set up too. Jon was adamant that he was going to have his guitar amp miked and was not going to consider a direct line out from his amp. He was a purist on this sort of thing. Analogue was the only way according to him. Each of them loved the occasion. They had a sound engineer pandering to their every whim and they were in no mood to rush the experience.

Jools and I met Simon in the artist's lounge who was talking away on his mobile as we entered. He finished up and we chatted and enjoyed a coffee from the rather excellent brew on offer from the percolator.

"So how's the first day Cara?" Simon asked.

I laughed, "I feel like a bit of a fraud to be honest. I haven't done anything."

He grinned, "I'm sure in a few days you'll wish you had some downtime. Once they get going, it will be all systems go. Can we talk about potential singles? I'm keen to get some promotional wheels into motion."

We talked and discussed for most of the afternoon. It had to be said that Simon did seem to have a lot of good ideas on the marketing front. I had been thinking about what would be a good first single and was toying with 'No Half Measures'. Simon couldn't quite remember which one that was so I went into the studio and interrupted the boys with their toys so I could grab my semi acoustic guitar. I brought it through and played the song for Simon. It sparked his memory and he agreed that it would be a good one to debut with. We talked about the different things that would be involved in promoting and launching it and before I knew it, it was five o'clock and the guys piled in for some refreshments.

Jon plonked himself down beside me and sighed. I smiled, "You look tired?"

He nodded and gave me a grin, "Yeah, hard work but great you know."

I laughed, "What are you like? I can't believe you enjoyed all that."

He raised an eyebrow, "What's not to enjoy? I've spent all day creating perfect guitar sounds."

"So is that you ready?"

He grinned goofily, "Well not really, we still have to work on the various different effects settings. You should see the range of 19 inch rack units they have in there…" He must have seen me glazing over and he stopped, "Well OK, it excites me anyway."

"So there is more of this tomorrow?"

He nodded, "Steve and Tom reckon that one more day will have all the gear sounding great and we'll be ready to start."

"What about my guitars?" I asked. I was sort of dreading going through the whole procedure of trying different sounds.

Jon smiled at me, "Well, if you wanted, I would be happy to sort out your guitars tomorrow?"

I smiled sweetly, "Oh would you? That would be great. You are so much better at that sort of thing than I am."

He laughed, "All right. That's enough. I said I would do it. So what are you going to do tomorrow then?"

Simon was sitting nearby and he had overheard our exchange, "Excuse me for butting in, but Cara this could be quite fortuitous. If you are free tomorrow, perhaps you might be able to come down to Sony and we could see about maybe doing a quick photo shoot. It would be great to get some promo shots of you and maybe even the cover photos for the single. Let me just ring over and see if our photographer has anything lined up for tomorrow."

I was a little flummoxed and said, "Umm OK I guess." This was all a little sudden, but he was already on his phone talking away. After a few minutes he smiled and finished up his conversation. He ended the call and grinned at me, "Great, he's free tomorrow, so we can really get ourselves ahead of schedule."

I felt somewhat overwhelmed and before I could stop myself the words were out of my mouth, "But what will I wear?"

I could hear Jon sniggering as I said this and I narrowed my eyes and gave him a mock scowl. I turned back to Simon who was smiling, "No problem Cara, we have a full wardrobe in our PR department and I am sure our wardrobe girls will have no bother finding something that looks good on you."

I nodded and took a deep breath, "OK then, I guess that's all sorted."

 

----------*----------

 

As I pushed open the door of Sony HQ, I murmured to Jools, "I'm absolutely terrified."

She squeezed my arm sympathetically, "I know, but don't worry. Are you worried about them discovering…something they shouldn't?"

I knew what she meant. But I had taken to wearing my 'insurance policy' as I thought about it. I just felt so much safer when I knew that all things down below were not only hidden but locked out of the view of prying eyes. Whilst the wearing of such an item was not quite mainstream to say the least, it would be somewhat easier to explain away rather than the underlying truth itself.

I shook my head, "No, I'm not particularly worried about that. It's just the thought of so much attention."

Jools smiled softly, "Hey Miss Rock Star, isn't this what you've always wanted?"

I wrinkled my forehead, "I guess. Well not really. I've wanted to share my music, to be able to perform it, to communicate through it. All this glitz stuff…I don't know about that."

Jools chuckled, "Oh come on. Isn't there a teeny weeny part of you that is really loving this and looking forward to it?"

I smiled guiltily and shrugged, "Well, maybe just a little."

Jools nodded smugly as we got out of the elevator on the seventh floor, "As I thought. There is a bit of an exhibitionist in there underneath all that pretence of shyness."

I would have protested, but we were interrupted by Simon Andrews coming along the corridor to meet us. We exchanged pleasantries and then it was down to business. He took me in to meet the girls in the wardrobe and makeup departments. He then seemed happy to take his leave of us in what was obviously not an environment in which he felt overly comfortable. Kerry was the makeup artist I was introduced to and she shepherded me into her corner and began to work her magic on me. I had only put a smattering of subtle makeup on, suitable for daytime wear. She cleaned me up and started again. When she was finished, I was quite impressed. I had never seen my lashes look as long and luscious as they did now. My eyes were strikingly made up and my lips were as red and full as I had seen them.

"Well?" she asked with a smile.

"I look beautiful," I murmured.

She grinned and winked, "Hey I know that, but what do you think of your makeup?"

I blushed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so vain. I was talking about how you had made me look."

She chuckled, "There's only so much I can do, but I think we've made a good team. Now let me have a few minutes to style your hair and then it will be time to let Helen and Jess have a go at you."

The latter were the wardrobe assistants. Helen was the older of the two. She was more mother-like too. Jess was around my age and seemed bubbly and enthusiastic. I soon learned that they worked well together. Jess would be overcome with enthusiasm for a certain outfit, but Helen's maturity and more measured approach would moderate Jess's over exuberance. I was glad of this as some of the outfits Jess wanted me to try were positively indecent. We eventually decided to start with the classic little black dress, black stockings and high heels.

At last, I was ready to head out to the photography studio. Simon was talking to a tall angular man who had his back to me as I entered. Simon smiled and drew the man's attention to me. "Ah here she comes, looking resplendent as ever."

The man turned to me and smiled. I could see that he was appraising me and looking me up and down, but it was not the usual almost lascivious type of look that I had got used to. It was more like a professional assessment. He paused for a moment and then gave an almost imperceptible nod and walked over to me, "G'day Cara. S'a pleasure. Name's Rod." He was Australian and he was the photographer.

I was extremely uptight and I think he could sense it. He had obviously done this before. He didn't tell me to relax as the one thing guaranteed to make you more uptight is someone telling you to relax. He just began to quip joke after joke. All simple one-liners which were more likely to make you groan than laugh. After a while I couldn't help myself and couldn't stop myself from smiling as he cracked more and more corny jokes. He just lifted his camera from where it hung around his neck and began to snap picture after picture as he walked around me, all the while continuing his monologue stand up routine.

"More relaxed now sweetheart?" he asked. From others it would have sounded patronising. But with his accent and attitude it sounded entirely appropriate. I was more relaxed and he began to do some set poses. He wasn't pushy and had a very laidback manner which did help to put me at ease. He would continually compliment me and tell me how lovely I looked and how easy I was making his job. I was sure he said this to all his subjects, but it did make me more settled and confident. He got me to the stage of making pouty faces at the camera. He made it seem like a joke and encouraged me more and more. There were a few outfit changes during the morning. Just before lunch I was wearing a corselette-like low cut strappy top and fitted black slacks. Rod seemed to really like this look and got me to toss my head from side to side which sent my hair swirling around my head as he took photo after photo. At last he declared that he was finished.

As if on cue, Simon appeared again. "Things go OK?" he asked Rod.

Rod grinned, "Couldn't be better, you'll have no problems getting plenty of usable material from what we've done this morning." He turned to me and winked, "You're gorgeous babe."

I laughed self-consciously and tried to deflect his words, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

Rod grinned, "The camera may lie, but my eyes don't."

Kerry wanted to know if I wanted to get my makeup cleaned off, but I was happy enough to stick with it as it was. I got changed back into the clothes I had arrived in though, my lilac top and black trousers, and Simon took me to the canteen for lunch. Jools had left mid morning as she was getting bored and had some other things to do. I was continuing to warm to him. The parts of his manner which I had initially objected to were just part of the job I realised. When he relaxed, he was more normal. Although I was happy to chat fairly freely, he kept asking me questions about myself. I couldn't decide if it was polite interest or professional fishing for information. I kept my wits about me and tried to avoid too much detail wherever possible.

 

----------*----------

 

After lunch, Simon offered to drive me over to Air Studios. He said he was wanting to head over and see how things were going. I gratefully accepted. When we arrived, the guys actually stopped what they were doing and noticed that I had arrived. That was nice of them.

"How's it going?" I asked Jon.

He grinned like a little boy, "I love being a rock star."

I rolled my eyes, "Still doing your sound anorak stuff then?"

Steve overheard and chuckled, "We're actually pretty much done. Do you want to check out your guitar and the foldback settings?"

I shrugged and smiled, "I guess so. It's what I'm here for after all."

It sounded fine to me. I played a bit with my acoustic and my fender and then went into the control room to hear it back. I couldn't quite appreciate the finer nuances that Jon and Tom went on about. I just nodded and smiled at them. They sighed and shared a look that probably could be interpreted as condescending to me. I just ignored it.

We were all in the control room and Steve got our attention, "Alright gentleman…and the lovely lady. Why don't you all head into the studio, do a few songs and we'll make sure you are all happy with how you sound. It will give Tom and me an idea of what the overall sound is like and let us see if there are any major problems. Better to find out now rather than just after the best take of any given song."

It was good to actually play music. We did a few numbers ranging from the rockier ones to the more mellow ones. It was refreshing to do what I felt comfortable with compared to the tension of the morning that was just past. We listened to them played back in the control room. They were far from perfect, but Steve and Tom twiddled various knobs and moved sliders here and there. They were continually murmuring to each other and then changing something else. When we had listened to all we had done Steve nodded, "OK, not bad for a start. A few things for Tom and me to work on, but we've got the foundations ready. I'd say we're ready to roll tomorrow morning." There was a general murmur of approval from the gathered audience.

 

----------*----------

 

If I were to tell you that recording was a glamorous business, I would be lying. If I were to tell you that it was always enjoyable, stimulating, fulfilling and never boring, I would have a nose to rival Pinocchio's. It was hard work and although there was the buzz and excitement due to the novelty of the first morning's real recording, it soon waned and we settled down to what we all began to realise was going to be a hard graft. We were working on getting 'No Half Measures' down as it was going to be the first single. After agreeing on the final structure of the song, Steve got Jon and Kevin to lay down a basic rhythm guitar and drum track to give us a skeleton on which to build the song. There is more than one way to skin a cat as the saying goes, and correspondingly there are many ways to record a song. One is to do it piecemeal: get a basic backing track down to act as a guide and then begin to add the individual tracks layer upon layer and eventually drop the initial tracks. The advantage of doing it this way is that by doing it one instrument at a time you get to focus on that track and make sure the sound is clean and the performance is as good as you want to get it.

The backing tracks from Jon and Kevin were laid down after a few attempts and then Steve suggested getting Brian to do the bass track. Although again it took a number of takes, we could see that it all took time and before we knew it, it was lunchtime. Noel was up next and he did his thing. After an hour or so, Steve and Noel were happy. I noticed there was some murmuring going on between Steve, Tom and Jon and they looked my direction every once in a while. Curiosity got the better of me and I wandered over.

"What's up guys?"

They looked at me and smiled and all had this guilty look on their faces.

"What is it?" I asked again.

Steve smiled apologetically, "Look Cara, we were going to move onto the rhythm guitar track and I know you usually play rhythm on this song. Now don't take this the wrong way at all, but in recording we are looking for the sharpest most polished performance. When someone plays live, it is different: there is the energy of performance there to create vitality. When recording a song, it takes all you can give to bring the sound to life."

I caught the drift and interrupted, "So you think it would be better if Jon laid down the rhythm guitar track as he is a more accomplished guitarist?"

Jon winced and they all nodded. I shrugged, "Makes sense to me."

Jon spoke gently, "You don't mind?"

I laughed, "Jon, there is no way I am half the guitarist you are. I know that. I'm not going to get all territorial over this. I wrote the song, I'm going to sing it, you can play all the guitars on the album for all I care." They were all still looking at me as if I were an unexploded bomb. I sighed, "Seriously guys, it's no big deal. Less talk, more play and record?"

They grinned and got to it. Jon had the simple rhythm track laid down by the third attempt. Then things got more complicated. Kevin probably had the hardest job of all. When the others were playing their parts, they had the initial drum backing track to drive the rhythm and act as the metronome for playing their parts. Poor Kevin now had to do the full drum part either whilst listening to his original track which was hard, or without any drum track playing which meant he had to anticipate the rhythm all the way through. I soon realised that this was not going to be a quick procedure and retired to the artist's lounge. One by one Brian, Noel and Jon filtered in as they reached the same conclusion. By five o'clock, we realised that the rest of us would not have anything else to contribute that day, so we headed on leaving poor Kevin struggling with Steve and Tom doing their best to work him through it. I made a mental note to bring a book to read on subsequent days.

 

----------*----------

 

It was mid morning on Thursday when an exhausted and drained looking Kevin downed sticks having laid down what we all agreed was a fantastic track. He smiled mirthlessly and said he was going home for the rest of the day. He had been here until 9 p.m. the previous evening with Steve and Tom. No-one tried to stop him.

After he left Steve commented, "It's always hardest for the drummers. He'll get used to it and it won't be as hard on subsequent songs." This was one of the disadvantages of doing the recording track by track. It was artificial. The rest of the band only existed in your headphones and you had to make your part merge seamlessly with theirs. Jon was up next for his lead guitar track. Predictably, he got most of it down pat before too long, but equally as predictably he was not quite happy with his solo. And so Steve and Tom dropped the solo section from his original track and we spent over an hour with Jon doing nothing but the solo over and over again. After another attempt which to my ear sounded better then perfect, he still was not happy.

"Oh for goodness sake Jon, give it up; it sounds fantastic, wonderful, awesome. Drop it would you?" I snapped. I took a breath and then sighed and apologised, "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound off at you. I guess I'm a little frustrated at not having actually contributed anything myself yet."

Jon shrugged, "It's OK. You really think it's good enough?"

Steve groaned, "Hell yes. I'm just glad Cara had the good sense to speak out."

Jon chuckled, "Alright, well then I guess I'm done then."

Then it was my turn. I entered the vocal booth for the first time. It was a little cramped, but not too claustrophobic. I popped my headphones on and Steve in the control room, spoke to me, "Alright Cara, let's check foldback levels. We'll start it up, you sing the first verse and chorus and then we'll stop and see if you are happy with the mix." I did as I was bid and after a few tweaks, it sounded good enough in my headphones for me to give it a try. I thought the first attempt wasn't bad. That is until I heard the playback in the control room.

I groaned, "Gah! I sound like a lifeless damp rag."

Tom chuckled sympathetically, "You are used to playing live. When recording it can sound quite sterile. You need to overemphasise it. You'll think you are overdoing it, but that's what it takes."

I thanked Tom for his advice and tried to put it into practice. He was right, I really went for it and it did sound better. Not good enough though. After another few run throughs I wasn't sure what sounded good any more.

"Cara seriously, I think that sounds great. It's got bite, feeling, emotion – it's perfect," Steve said.

I sighed, "I don't know, I think I could do better."

Tom groaned, "Don't tell me we have two perfectionists in the one band. We're going to be here all year." He was sort of joking, but he was making a point at the same time.

Steve nodded, "You can always do better, but the professional knows when it is good enough and when the effort to try and better it is not worth the strain it will put on your voice."

Noel wanted to try a few other layers with the keyboards and added a few subtle things here and there which did sound pretty good. Then Brian and Jon added their simple vocal harmonies. Finally Steve called the rest of us in to the control room and turned up the volume to play the finished product. After doing it in bits here and there, it was quite startling to hear it all together at last. We were all impressed – it sounded alive, crystal clear quality and although I was almost sick of the song already, I couldn't help but feel proud of what we had done. The rest of them felt the same way.

"Two whole days for one bloody song though," Noel lamented.

Steve chuckled, "That's good. Believe you me, there will be some that will take a lot longer. Now why don't you all clear off and let Tom and I do the final mix down? Sony are champing at the bit to get this single cut."

 

----------*----------

 

Sony, well in the person of Simon Andrews, were delighted to hear the single the next day. He positively gushed over me about how brilliant it was. I played it down and wrote it off as flattery. The guys were working on laying down tracks for 'Living Life in Colour' and Simon wanted to talk to me about the video. I don't know why, but the fact that I would have to do a video had passed me by. Of course it seems obvious, but I hadn't thought about it at all.

"We've got a great guy in mind Cara. Herby Tolerton, heard of him? No of course, you probably wouldn't have. Great mind, great vision, a real fun guy. As camp as anything, but knows his stuff. He's just finishing another project today and I'd be really keen for him to meet you and talk over some ideas. Time is of the essence, so could you meet up with him and me tonight?"

I shrugged, "Sure that sounds fine. Oh wait!" I had forgotten about the gig, "We're playing a gig at 'The Den' tonight."

"A gig?" His face darkened and he frowned, "Hmm. An unauthorised performance?"

I shrugged, "Jools organised it."

"I'm going to have to talk to her about this."

I hoped I hadn't dropped her in it. She arrived late morning after he had phoned her and there was a fairly heated exchange. Simon contended that the contract precluded any authorised performances. Jools disagreed. She told him to read it again. According to her, unauthorised performances were not permitted for any Sony artist who had released a record. As she reminded him, I had not yet released a record and therefore there was no breach of contract. He knew she was right and eventually backed down. I could have told him not to take Jools on; my money had been on her from the start. He still looked miffed though.

"How about if Herby could come down to the gig?" he suggested with a little degree of petulance.

I shrugged, "That would be perfect."

 

----------*----------

 

I wore a short little red dress and matching pumps for the gig. I got the usual goggle eyes from the guys beforehand.

I sighed, "Oh come on, you've seen me like this before."

Noel grinned, "Sweetheart, never going to get tired of seeing you in all your finery."

I made a face and felt mildly repulsed and was about to make a retort when Simon breezed in with someone in tow. "Ah Cara, there you are. I want you to meet Herby Tolerton."

Herby Tolerton was balding, medium height and was wearing black leather trousers, a long loose white shirt with the top 3 buttons open and a red scarf tied around his neck. I thought he was indeed quite camp until he spoke. After he opened his mouth, I thought he was the personification of the word camp. However he had a warm ebullient manner which made it impossible to dislike him and he had an aura of energy about him.

"Cara my darling, you look positively adorable," he took my hand, but instead of shaking it, he planted a light kiss on the back of it. I knew I was blushing. "Oh praise the heavens above for giving me such a canvas with which to create a masterpiece." He turned to Simon, "By far the loveliest creature you have sent my way to date. Where did you find her?"

Simon laughed, "Oh she found us…" He was going to continue, but Herby was away again.

"Cara sweetnees, I know we will get along famously and I can't wait to begin production on your first video. I feel privileged to have this tremendous opportunity."

I didn't quite know how to respond. With Herby I realised that that didn't matter as response was optional as he continued, "So Simon, when can we start?"

Simon was a little taken aback, "Err, well. Do you know what you want to do?"

Herby didn't miss a beat, "Not the faintest idea, but I know that watching this flower perform tonight will surely inspire me and I am a firm believer in riding the wave of inspiration when it breaks its sweet waters upon you."

Simon looked at me and I shrugged. He looked to the band, "Anyone got any major plans next week?" Shakes of the head. He knew we were recording and if he was happy to go ahead with the video shoot, so were we.

Kevin quipped, "Not any more."

Simon turned back to Herby, "Well, I guess we have a video shoot starting Monday. Where do you want to do it?"

"Not the faintest idea," Herby admitted amiably, "Now come along dear fellow, we must get ourselves good seats. Break a leg!" He waved as he headed out with Simon fussing along in his wake. We just looked at each other and laughed.

"This will be interesting," Brian murmured dryly.

 

----------*----------

 

We opened the show as usual with 'No Half Measures' and it was note perfect. It would need to have been mind you with all the practice we had had this past week. The show was going really well. That is until just before what I thought was the last song. We were planning to finish with 'Not dancing, but Flying'. As the penultimate song finished, I was a little nervous given the stunt the boys had pulled on me the previous week. My nerves were justified as Jon took over the mike again.

"She did well last week folks," he said, "so we thought we'd put our lovely Cara to the test again. She has no idea what song we are going to do, let's see how she copes."

I really had no idea what was coming. When they started the introduction to the song, my first feeling was relief at actually recognising what it was and knowing I could sing it. The second feeling was almost like a kick in the stomach as the reality of what the song was hit me. It was the Aerosmith song 'Dude looks like a lady'. I knew it all right and began to sing. But my mind and heart weren't in it. My mind was racing. It had to have been Jon who chose it. He was the only one who knew my music knowledge well enough. I felt hurt and betrayed that he could think of doing this to me. I felt embarrassed although I was pretty sure that no-one in the audience would think anything of it. We finished the song.

I couldn't bring myself to make any comment or to do a lengthy intro for our last song. All I could manage was, "Thanks, you've been a great audience. We're going to finish with this one. Good night." I wasn't able to put much feeling into it for once and as soon as it was over I waved to the audience, forced a smile and walked off the stage. I was fuming and didn't know what to do or say. I stood in the backstage corridor and waited for him. The guys were laughing and joking and talking about the performance. They stopped when they saw my face.

"What's wrong?" Jon asked.

I clenched and unclenched my fists. I'm afraid I wasn't too rational and couldn't manage anything more than spitting out the word, "Bastard!" before turning and walking away as the tears stung my eyes.

"Cara wait!" he called but I kept on walking. I heard his footsteps running to catch up with me, "Wait up." He put a hand on my shoulder and I swung round.

"How could you," I hissed.

"What? The song? I knew you would know it."

"That's not it. That song. How could you do that to me?"

He winced, "Aww come on, it's just a little joke. Not another person in the world would think there is anything more to it."

"Not another person except me." My voice almost cracked and I rubbed my eyes. "Did you stop to think what I might think about it? Did you? Did you think that I might not find it funny? That it might actually be hurtful to me?"

His face fell, "Gee Cara, I'm sorry." He put his hand on my arm and I wrenched it away forcefully.

"Take your hands off me," I snapped. I turned away as I felt my eyes filling with tears. Looking back it seems a little irrational and you may think I was overreacting. It is hard to explain exactly how I felt just then, but it was more a feeling of betrayal than anything else. A feeling that I was not being taken seriously. Particularly by someone who meant a lot to me. I stormed off down the corridor towards a somewhat perplexed looking Jools who had just come through and witnessed part of this exchange.

"Cara wait up," he called and I heard him start to follow me.

I wheeled around and with my eyes flashing shouted, "Leave me alone you asshole!" I turned back and as I walked towards Jools I could hear Kevin talking to Jon, "What's wrong with her?" I overheard Noel's snide comment, "Lovers' tiff?" to which Jon justifiably replied, "Sod off Noel."

"My God, what happened?" Jools asked. Her expression though showed that she had a good idea of what was wrong. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do but let it come. I burst into tears. "I just want to go home Jools."

 

----------*----------

 

It sounds pathetic, but I cried myself to sleep that night. Was it overreaction? Was it a culmination of the stresses of the week? I didn't know. I slept late the next morning and eventually awoke to find Jools sitting on the edge of my bed with a tray in her hands.

"Breakfast?" she said softly with a smile.

I forced a smile and offered her token thanks and took the tray. "Feel like talking about it?" she asked. I took a mouthful of cereal and shook my head. Sensing that my mood hadn't been improved much by a night's sleep, Jools took her cue and left me alone again. It was close to lunchtime before I dragged myself out of bed to shower and dress. I moped around most of the afternoon in an old tracksuit. I flicked channels on the TV, watched some old movies and generally felt a mixture of self pity and embarrassment at how I had behaved. I was still angry though.

By teatime, Jools had had enough. "Alright, look I know you're pissed about last night, but you're going to have to talk to me. You've mooched about all day and I've given you your space. Now it's time to talk."

I screwed up my face but the look on Jools' face showed that she meant business. "OK," I conceded.

"Well, tell me how you are feeling."

I sighed. "Hurt, angry, betrayed. That about sums it up."

Jools nodded and probed gently, "No-one would have thought anything about you singing that song."

I nodded and felt as if my insides were churning. I didn't want to go down this line of conversation and I just shrugged. Jools was not that easy to put off though.

"Well?"

"I guess not," I admitted.

"So is that all that annoyed you?"

I gave in, "OK, it's not that at all. It's because it was Jon that picked it. It's like he is making a joke of who I am. Ha ha, laugh at Nick playing girl, isn't it funny?" My voice took on a really sardonic tone, "Let's all laugh at Nick's expense."

Jools let me cool down before she gently stated, "You aren't Nick, you are Cara."

I flashed back at her, "I know who the hell I am, perhaps someone should tell Jon that."

"You care for him don't you?"

"What has that got to do with anything? I thought we were good friends. Good friends don't hurt each other." As I said the words I realised how ridiculous they were, because as history and experience have proven time and time again, good friends do indeed hurt each other. In fact, the greatest hurt often comes from those who are closest to us.

Jools was about to say something else when the phone rang. She picked it up, "Hello?" "Hold on."

She covered the mouthpiece, and looked at me, "It's Jon. He wants to talk to you."

I shook my head. She inclined her head at me and gave me a pleading look but I couldn't face it. "Jools, I can't. Not now."

She nodded reluctantly and spoke into the mouthpiece, "Jon, she can't come to the phone right now." I'm sure he knew what she meant. Jools listened for a moment and nodded, "OK. I will. Bye."

"What did he want?" I asked sullenly.

"He wanted to apologise to you if you would give him the chance. I mean, what do you want? Do you want to stay mad at him or give him an opportunity to make things right?" She was right and she knew it. I knew it. I just couldn't admit it yet. She knew that too.

 

----------*----------

 

I went to bed early and still felt lousy. The next morning Jools marched in around nine o'clock, "Come on, Cara. No more lying about. It's a lovely day outside. Come and have breakfast with me."

I thought about telling her where to go but then realised that it was unfair to take things out on her. I grimaced but agreed. "OK, give me half an hour to shower and dress." I made a little more effort today. A blouse and a pair of jeans. No makeup. No frills.

I came out of my room to the smell of bacon and eggs. Jools smiled brightly, "Breakfast is served."

Despite myself I smiled and Jools gave a look of mock terror, "Oh my goodness, it smiles!"

I stuck my tongue out at her and grinned as I sat down. I was quite hungry and tucked in to what she had prepared. Afterwards I smiled sheepishly, "Thanks Jools and I'm sorry for being a bitch."

Jools shrugged and smirked, "It's a woman's prerogative from time to time." She checked her watch and then in a strange voice said, "Oh why don't we listen to some music, let me put the radio on." I was puzzled. Jools rarely listened to the radio. "Hmm," she said theatrically, "I feel like some Radio 2." She tuned in the radio. It was Steve Wright's Love Songs on a Sunday morning. I was really puzzled now and was about to say something but she shushed me, "Listen!"

"…the next request comes from Jon and simply says, 'Cara, I'm sorry'…" The song started and I knew it immediately. It was 'Three times a lady', the old Commodores' classic sung by Lionel Ritchie. I couldn't help myself but smile as I sat there and then the dreaded happened again. I felt overcome with emotion and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Jools noticed and she moved round to stand behind me and she put her arms around me and hugged me as I sobbed. The song finished and I grabbed a hankie for my eyes and turned to Jools and forced a smile as I accused her, "You were in on this weren't you?"

She shrugged, "Not really, a little birdy just told me to make sure you were listening to Radio 2 around this time today."

The doorbell rang and Jools grinned, "Now I wonder who that could be." We both had a fair idea and we were right. Jools came back up the stairs and Jon followed her in looking sheepish. He hung back and smiled cautiously at me, "Cara. I'm so sorry, I really am. Can I talk to you?"

I sighed, "Of course you can Jon, come on over and sit down."

He took a seat beside me and looked awkward. Jools tactfully thought up something she had to do in her bedroom. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

I raised an eyebrow, "I think you said that already."

He nodded, "I really really mean it. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I know I must have hurt you and I want you to know I never meant to do that. It's the last thing I want to do."

I nodded and regarded him honestly, "I'm not going to lie Jon, it did really hurt me. Now I know I might be oversensitive and might have overreacted, but it did hurt."

He winced and looked away for a moment. "I really didn't mean to."

"I know you might think it was only a joke, but with all that I have gone through Jon, this is no joke to me. I'm trying to move on with my life and to have such reminders tossed at me is not very helpful. This is who I am and to have that mocked and thrown about as something no more meaningful than a joke…and for it to be you that did it…"

He nodded, "I know, I was thoughtless. I'm a total ass and I know I shouldn't remind you of…well you know what." He paused and then looked back at me, "Do you want to know why I think I did it?"

"Go on," I said slowly.

He sighed and chewed his lip, "Because when I look at you, I keep having to remind myself. I find myself forgetting. I see the way you look and act, the way you talk and move, the way you smile and sing…and I find myself forgetting."

I processed this and after a moment replied softly, "Why do you have to remind yourself? Why not just forget?"

He shifted in his chair and looked away, "Umm, I don't know." After an awkward silence he turned back to face me, "Look I know that whatever I think, it was wrong to do what I did at your expense." He smiled and lowered his head and put on the puppy dog eyes, "Can you forgive me?"

I looked at him straight-faced for a moment and then with a little smile asked, "Three times a lady?"

He laughed, "I meant it. You really are."

I grinned, "You've some making up to do sonny jim!"

He nodded his head slowly and gave an enigmatic smile, "That I do. What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

I was caught off guard by his question, "Err nothing. Why?"

He winked at me, "Because my dear, we have reservations for lunch and would need to get moving."

"Lunch where?"

He replied offhand, "Oh a little known place, I doubt you've heard of it. The Ritz on Piccadilly I believe it is called."

"Are you serious?"

He smiled and nodded and I continued, "I'd better get changed and make myself look presentable."

"You look perfectly delightful to me," he said.

I stared at him and raised an eyebrow. He winced and said, "I'm overdoing it aren't I?" I smiled and nodded and he tutted to himself and said, "Yes I thought I was."

 

----------*----------

 

It was a lovely sunny spring day and I had changed into a floral print sundress that I had not had the opportunity to wear as yet. It may have been uncharacteristically warm for this time of year, but it was still London so tan tights were added to my outfit and a pair of strappy sandals. I know I took too long over my hair and makeup but I figured that Jon was in no position to complain. When I came out, he got up from where he was chatting with Jools and looked at me. He smiled. I grinned and asked coyly, "This OK for the Ritz?"

He shook his head and looked at me admiringly, "Too good by far." He paused, "Am I still overdoing it?"

Before I had a chance to answer, Jools butted in, "Of course you are, but she loves it so keep it up." We laughed and Jon and I headed out. He insisted on driving us despite my protests about his old car compared to my sleek baby. I had never been to the Ritz before and it really is over the top. I loved it. The waiters were prim and proper with their starched white aprons and they fussed around us. I enjoyed the smoked salmon that I ordered and Jon tucked into a steak. I had caught a glance at the prices on the menu and had nearly choked. We chatted about the week that had gone by, the recording, the studio, the band and about the forthcoming video. We were both quite excited and enthused.

After lunch, we walked through Green Park and into St. James's Park. It was the warmest day of the year so far and the park was full of people enjoying the afternoon sunshine. I was quite surprised when I felt Jon take my hand. I looked up at him questioningly and he shrugged, "It just felt right." I wasn't about to disagree. We sat down on a bench and watched the ducks swim up and down the lake.

As I looked out over the lake, I became aware that Jon was looking at me. I turned round and asked, "What is it?"

He shook his head. "You know you really are remarkable."

"What do you mean?" I said a little self-consciously as I pushed a strand of hair back from my face.

He hesitated, "Look I know I said I wasn't going to keep giving you reminders or anything, but can we talk openly for a moment?"

"Sure," I said. I wasn't sure where this was leading.

He turned towards me, "It's just that when I look at you, I can't even really see Nick at all now. You look so natural. Everything about you is just right. Your hair, your face, your clothes, the way you walk and talk. Truly remarkable."

"Jon," I protested feeling even more self-conscious now.

"No, I mean it. I really do. Look around the park here. It's incredible, but I know that I'm sitting next to the prettiest girl here."

I was completely thrown now. "Jon," I said softly, "you know you don't have to overdo it any more. I've forgiven you."

He shook his head, "I'm not overdoing it. I'm just telling you what I think. Honestly."

I looked away for a moment and I can't describe the feeling I felt inside. It was a mixture of nervousness and almost excitement. I looked back at him and smiled, "Thanks Jon."

He smiled, "If we're talking freely though, do you mind me asking, are you really happy like this?"

I regarded him for a moment and then replied, "Yes Jon, I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

He chose his words carefully, "Well you have to admit, it's not every person who would do what you have done and like the result."

I caught his drift, "I know but what's not to like? I love the way I look, the way it makes me feel. I love the clothes I can wear, the variety, the styles, the glamour. I kind of like most of the attention I get. I've never had any of this before."

Jon nodded as he took this in. "You know something, at first I thought you were crazy, and then I thought you were losing it or something."

I asked the obvious question, "What do you think now?"

He smiled at me, "I think you are one of the bravest and most determined people I know. I mean, all that you have done? Incredible. The surgery and all." He gestured in the general direction of my bosom.

I looked down at where he was indicating and then looked back up at him with a teasing smile, "What? You don't like what I've done?"

He laughed and flushed a little, "As you say yourself, what's not to like? It's a BIG step you've taken though." He winked.

I shook my head and chuckled. I had picked up on his jibe and wasn't going to let him win this round. I cupped my breasts and looked at him intently, "You think they are too big Jon?"

He shifted awkwardly in his seat and looked away momentarily as he laughed nervously, "They look fine to me. Now you've got me really embarrassed."

I grinned, "You started it."

"Touché" he said with a smile.

As we had been sitting there it had begun to cool down and I shivered involuntarily. Jon noticed and suggested that we head back. He dropped me off back at the apartment and got out and walked me to the door. "Look Cara," he began, "I just want to say I'm glad we sorted things out and I want you to know that I promise to respect you and honour you as the person you are from now on."

I was touched but couldn't help smirking a little, "My my Jon, you almost sound like you are making marriage vows."

He sighed and chuckled, "You sure don't make things easy for me do you?"

I smiled, "Thanks Jon. I had a lovely time."

He shuffled his feet and grinned awkwardly, "Least I could do. I really enjoyed today. But rest assured I'm not getting any funny ideas or anything. See you tomorrow."

I stood inside the door for a moment after he had gone. I felt strange. Almost disappointed? I shook my head and headed upstairs. Jools was loitering around and as soon as I came in she began to fire a barrage of questions at me. I answered them as best as I could.

"Yes I had a nice time. Yes lunch was fantastic. We walked and talked. Yes we got things sorted out. No! Of course he didn't kiss me!"

Jools shrugged, "Just checking."

I shook my head, "Honestly, what made you think that?"

She grinned, "Just be careful."

I sighed, "I'm going to take a nice long bath and there's nothing to be careful about."

As I lay in the bath I thought about my words. I was right wasn't I? It was good to mend the fences and Jon was a good friend. That was all.

 

----------*----------

 

Jools had received a phone call from Simon Andrews early on Monday morning informing her that Herby wanted to use 'The Den' as the location for the video shoot. She rang around the rest of the band members and passed on the information. We arrived at the club just after nine and it looked closed, which it was of course. After ringing the bell though, the door opened and the manager opened it and when he saw it was us, he grinned and welcomed us in. Herby was in the main bar area directing operations like a Sergeant Major. OK like a camp Sergeant Major perhaps. There were guys setting up lights, others setting up cameras and there was a general buzz of activity around the place. I spotted Brian and Kevin at the far side of the room and wandered over to where they were sitting.

"Morning," I said brightly.

"Uhh hi Cara," Kevin said a little warily. I was puzzled at first and then I remembered that the last time they had seen me I was sounding off at Jon.

"How are you?" Brian asked politely and equally cautiously.

I smiled at them both, "I'm fine. Things are sorted, really."

They both visibly relaxed and we chatted about what we thought was going to happen today. Jon and Kevin arrived before long and Jon gave my elbow a little squeeze and I noticed a quick wink. I smiled at him, "Hey you."

Noel wasn't one to miss a trick, "Glad to see the love birds have made up."

I sighed and decided I had better defuse the situation before Jon pounded him into the ground or something. "Noel, as side-splittingly funny as you might think your sense of humour is, even the best comedians stop repeating their jokes in time. Especially when they aren't funny in the first place."

He looked taken aback and made a face, "Sorr-ee. Geez."

"Cara dahling!" Herby.

I turned and smiled. He was walking towards me arms outstretched. I tentatively opened my arms and he gave me a hug and air kissed each of my cheeks. He held my elbows in his hands and smiled, "You are looking delightful and I am SO excited about what we are going to do."

I grinned. His enthusiasm was sort of catching, "And what exactly are we going to do?"

He let go of my elbows only to sweep an arm around my shoulders and he led me away from the group as he talked and gesticulated with his other hand. Basically it seemed he got inspiration from watching us play here the previous Friday and he came up with his masterplan. He said that when he met me, he thought I was shy and retiring. However when he saw me on stage, he thought I was sensual and exuded confidence. This was what gave him his idea. He didn't exactly elaborate further yet, but led me to the dressing room in which the wardrobe and makeup staff were located.

I had a simple makeover which surprised me. A lot of foundation was used yes, but that was to counter the effect of the lighting for the cameras I was told. But other than that, it was practically a simple daytime look they gave me. Next I was given my outfit. It was a conservative white blouse and a knee-length flared black skirt and flat court shoes. Again I was quite surprised as it wasn't at all what I was expecting.

When they were finished I headed out to find Herby holding forth to the guys. It seemed that he was quite happy with what they were wearing. He had assumed they would come in typical male casual dress. He seemed to turn up his nose a little as he said this. He was not typical himself. He was wearing a loud yellow shirt and tight white trousers tucked into snakeskin cowboy boots. It didn't look out of place on him though.

And so we started shooting. He got footage of me walking into the club with the guys as we carried our guitars and equipment. I soon got an idea of how difficult video shoots could be. We must have simply walked in the door and set our equipment down on the floor about a dozen times before Herby was happy with that. To do a video shoot, obviously the timing and synchronisation are paramount. And so there were two large video screens. On one screen, there was nothing playing but a timer sequence although the soundtrack was the song 'No Half Measures'. It seemed that as we went along, the video footage was added on another deck, played on the second screen and the timings compared. The final full synchronisation would be done back at Sony in the video editing suite I learnt.

Herby shot a lot of footage of getting set up on the stage and then he got us to mime along to the first verse and chorus. We did it again and again as he changed the camera angles, gave us instructions. We felt quite awkward and I'm sure we looked it, but he seemed quite happy with that. Then it was back into the dressing room for another change. This time I was given a bit more of a makeover, but still nothing dramatic. I was given a form fitting red dress to wear. It was nice and not too tarty. I was beginning to think that perhaps I had been wrong about how I was going to be marketed.

Herby then took footage of me coming out the dressing room singing the words to the second verse and walking up the corridor. He had the guys from the band lounging against the wall looking as if they were chatting and then when I walked up, they were to look at me and when I raised my eyebrows they were to look sort of equivocal about how I was looking. We did this again and again and again until Herby was happy. We even broke for lunch somewhere in the midst of it. The guys found it harder than I did as Herby cajoled them, encouraged them and berated them.

Then I was back into the dressing room and I realised where things were going. I got the full works. Bright red lipstick, striking eyeliner, eye shadow and mascara, and blood red nails. My hair was straightened and brushed out. It was sprayed not only to make it stay in position, but to make it look extra glossy. Then the outfit. My hopes of maintaining some sort of reserved appearance were dashed. I was given an ultra short black leather miniskirt. I do believe it was even shorter than the one I owned myself. Patterned stockings and spiky black high heels also. However it was the top that really took the biscuit. It was a white leather bustier top which laced up at the front and left my lower abdomen exposed. No bra was required as by the time the girls had laced me up, my breasts were practically popping out of the bustier. Long dangly earrings were added, several bracelets and a necklace with a cross pendant that dangled down just you know where.

I looked at myself in the mirror. "I can't go out like this." I shook my head.

Herby burst in and even seemed to be put off his normal stride for once. "Well, I never. Truly am I rarely surprised by anything in this mortal sphere, but I fear that for once I have to admit I am."

"I can't go out there like this Herby," I protested, still looking at myself in the mirror.

He chuckled, "Nonsense, of course you can. You are a rock star, you are young, you are beautiful, you are gifted. You can do absolutely anything my darling." I still wasn't convinced.

He continued, "Listen. The whole idea of the video is the evolution of this sweet young shy girl into a No Half Measures rock star. Think about it, we have you coming into the club in your normal clothes, setting up and playing a practice on the stage. Then you go to get dressed, nice, sexy but not enough. Then you come back in here and dress as you are now. The finish of the video is you walking out that door, strutting like the beautiful confident woman that you are, making the jaws of the men drop and then you head out on stage, all the lights on and you and the band rock it for all you are worth to the end of the song."

I had to admit, Herby did seem to know what he was doing. I looked at myself in the mirror and turned back to him, "Are you sure this isn't over the top?"

He laughed, "Cara sweetheart, it is totally over the top. That's what I am here for. That's the way it has to be. You look incredible, don't be afraid of showing yourself off."

I sighed, "I guess."

He clapped his hands together. "Great, now we're talking. Listen, I have a feeling that on of our best chances to capture what I am looking for is on our first take. I have the guys out there just outside the door. I don't want them to see you until we do the first take. You come out of the door, head high, don't even look at them, strut past them, give it everything, shake that fabulous backside of yours and then when you are past them, give them a sultry look over your shoulder and beckon them to follow you. Think you can do that, my dear?"

I smiled and rolled my eyes, "Umm I think so."

He grinned and squeezed my shoulders, "Just remember you are the sexiest woman in the country…and most of the country will think that when they see this video." He stood back and took another look at me. He looked quite thoughtful.

"What is it?" I asked.

He shook his head, "Oh nothing really. I was just thinking of how we could possibly make you look even sexier."

I winced, "Don't you think this is enough?"

He chuckled, "Oh yes, but one must always strive for more."

"And what were you thinking?" I almost dreaded to ask.

"It doesn't matter as we can't do anything about it."

I was intrigued, "Tell me anyway."

He shrugged, "I was just thinking how even lovelier that tummy of yours would look if you had your navel pierced."

I blinked a few times, "Oh, I see."

He waved a hand, "But there's nothing we can do about that now. So never mind."

Gina, one of the makeup girls, coughed, "I'm a qualified body piercer Herby."

Herby looked over at her and raised an eyebrow, "Of course you are my dear, I had forgotten." He sighed, "A shame we hadn't thought through this earlier as we could have maybe considered it and got you to bring your equipment."

Gina shrugged, "I always bring my stuff." She grinned and winked, "I never know what you are going to ask for, so I'm always prepared."

Herby laughed and clapped his hands, "That's my kind of girl. Well, if I had any kind of girl that is. However, I fear this is all too precipitous for our dearest Cara."

He was turning to walk out and I tentatively said, "Wait a minute…" He turned and raised an eyebrow, "Mmm?"

I wrinkled my brow and spoke slowly, "Umm, I don't know, let me think for a moment." I paused, "You think it would really look good?"

He smiled softly at me, "Cara darling, I find it hard to imagine anything that would not look good on you. I am not going to pressure you. But yes, I think it would look very attractive. You have a lovely body." He winked, "Even I can appreciate that."

I blushed a little and thought, "Well, I suppose it wouldn't be out of keeping with my image." He nodded slowly but didn't say anything as I continued to think out loud, "And if I am going to be the rock star as you say…" I chewed my lower lip gently and then shot Gina a glance, "Does it hurt?"

She smiled and inclined her head, "I'm not going to lie, it will sting a bit at the time and it will smart for a few days after. But it's not half as bad as getting your tongue done." She winked and stuck out her tongue to demonstrate her personal knowledge of these matters.

I sighed and gave a nervous half-laugh, "Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. I'm probably mad, but what the heck, why not?"

Herby smiled at me, "I know I can be a pushy son of a you know what, but I don't want you to feel cornered or press ganged. So let's say we leave it today and you can think about it in your own time?"

I was quite surprised by the calmer considerate side of Herby that he was displaying. I wondered just how much of his flamboyant nature was a front that he projected to meet the expectations of those with whom he worked. I shrugged away these thoughts and shook my head, "No, I'm happy to do this. It's my decision. I'm a big girl."

Herby grinned at me, lowered his eyes briefly to my bosom and met my gaze again before speaking deadpan, "That you are my dear."

I couldn't help but laugh. With his manner he was certainly in no way threatening to me. "Hey! These may not be your cup of tea, but don't knock them," I quipped.

He guffawed, "You are quite something my Miss Malone. Beautiful, talented, determined and smart. More than anyone could ask for. You do what you think best. Let me know when you are ready." He chuckled to himself as he left.

I turned to Gina and she raised an eyebrow. I grinned, "Alright, I'm in your hands. You have done this before?"

She laughed and assured me she had done dozens and had the appropriate certification. She got me to lie down on a couch and she washed her hands, put on gloves and then cleaned my navel area with a cold alcohol solution. She gently talked to me reassuringly, telling me what she was doing. I didn't look as she performed the piercing. It certainly did sting. It was a weird feeling, almost like feeling sick to your stomach, but it didn't last long. On her advice, we had agreed upon a jewelled titanium belly bar. There was a tiny diamond at the top and a larger diamond at the bottom. She slid it into place and then told me I could have a look.

"Well," she asked, "what do you think?"

I looked at myself and then checked it out in the mirror. I flushed a little, "Umm I think I like it." It did look strange at first, but I really did have to admit to myself, that I did like how it looked. It certainly did look sexy and it even made me feel sexy in a funny sort of way. I grinned at her, "Thanks Gina, I guess I'm ready now."

She laughed, "You see me before you leave and I'll tell you how to take proper care of it OK?"

I promised that I would. Gina went out to tell Herby we were ready and I waited inside for my cue. I heard the shout of 'Action' and I threw open the door, tossed my head and haughtily walked past the line of Jon, Kevin, Noel and Brian. I didn't look at them directly, but out of the corner of my eye, it looked as if Herby was getting the responses he wanted. I swung my hips as I walked and then shot them an inviting look over my left shoulder and crooked the index finger of my right hand to beckon them and they were almost pushing and shoving to catch up with me. "Cut!" Herby yelled and he applauded maniacally. "Perfect, absolutely perfect, just what I was looking for. Cara my darling, you are a natural and I will make you look even more gorgeous on screen than you already do." He walked up to me and whispered, "And your latest addition looks sensational. I think you have those poor boys almost drooling."

We had to do the stage scene. Time was marching on and it was now well after seven o'clock. I was wondering how it would look without an audience, but a peek out into the club revealed that it was packed full. When I asked a crew member where all the people came from, he smiled and said that Herby had hung a sign outside saying there were free drinks for an hour for anyone who wanted to come in and be an extra for the shoot. It seemed to have worked. Sony it seemed were paying the bill and this might have explained why Simon Andrews was looking a little on edge. I imagined there was no stopping Herby when he got going.

The crowd gave Herby exactly the reaction he wanted when we first walked out on stage. This wasn't surprising given that it was mostly made up of young men. They were crowded right up to the stage and they cheered and whistled as I strutted out. We played or rather mimed through the solo and last choruses. We did it time and time again as Herby got all his angles. He kept stirring the crowd up in between each take and kept them just short of hysteria. Eventually we were finished and I was glad. I was quite self conscious as I was parading up and down in front of the crowd dressed as I was. However I was very curious to see the video. Herby told us he would be editing for most of the rest of the week and it may be ready before the weekend. Simon was appeased when he heard this. Apparently the single was going to the radio stations on pre-release next week and going on sale in about three weeks time.

I was absolutely exhausted when I finally got home and I shrugged off my clothes and gratefully climbed under the covers of my bed. I had taken a quick minute to look at my bejewelled navel in the mirror before I got into bed and I sniggered to myself. I almost felt a little naughty, but I was pleased with what I had done. As I lay there before going to sleep I had to admit that although it had been hard work, it was sort of fun. I was still getting used to all the attention I was receiving though.

 

To be continued…

  

  

  

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