No Half Measures

by Jenny Walker

© 2003

  

Part 10

 

CHAPTER 20

 

It had been a late night and it was after midday when I stumbled out of my bedroom in my dressing gown. I yawned and rubbed my sleepy eyes as I plodded into the kitchen. Jools was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

"Afternoon sleepyhead," she said cheerily.

"Ungh yeah," I said. Or something to that effect.

She set her paper down. "Busy night last night?"

I poured myself a coffee and joined her at the table. I pushed my straggly hair out of my eyes. "You could say that. I got the sack."

"You what?" she said leaning forward a little. "How come?"

I shrugged, "Because I wouldn't give the boss a blowjob I guess."

"What the heck?" Jools exclaimed. "What happened?"

I related the story to her in all its sorry detail. I felt quite stupid now as I really should have seen it coming and I mentioned this.

"No!" she said emphatically and this took me by surprise.

"What?" I said.

"This is not your fault. Don't ever believe this crap that it is your fault. This happened because that sad little sicko of a pervert thinks he can get his jollies by manipulating and intimidating his employees. He shouldn't be able to get away with it."

Jools was steaming and brimming with righteous anger. Although I wasn't feeling too happy myself, I did love her when she was like this. She could get so wired up about things and there was something about her when she was energised like this that was almost a magnetic part of her personality. When Jools was in this mood I really did believe she could achieve almost anything she set her mind to. However in this case, there wasn't anything to gain and a lot to lose.

"I know," I agreed, "but we can't do anything. Go to the police? My word against his. He is the boss, I had a bad evaluation, I tried to come on to him, look at how I was dressed. We all know how it would go. Plus not exactly the best thing to kick start my career is it?"

Jools deflated a little and grinned ruefully. "You're right," she said as she came back down to earth. "He really shouldn't be able to get away with it; he should get what is coming to him. But there is nothing we can do."

Then it struck me, "Maybe there is."

"What?" asked Jools.

I smiled, "I'll write a song for him."

"Huh?" she said with a puzzled expression on her face, "he doesn't deserve it though."

I winked, "He'll deserve this one." An idea was coming to me. I let it brew as I went to shower and dress before heading to the piano. It had to be simple musically and I fiddled around with the chords until I got what I wanted for the verse. Simple alternation between the jazzy chords of G minor 7^th with a B flat bass note and C sustained fourth with an F bass note. I hummed out a straightforward melody line. It wasn't the sweetest or the most tuneful but that was just what was required for this piece. The chorus was a little brasher with a progression running from D minor to B flat through G minor 7^th to C major with the occasional 7^th thrown onto it at times. The melody for the chorus was bold and strong. Now the words. I sat down and played over the events of the previous night until I had the indignation rising to boiling point. This was one of those moments where my pen could barely keep up with my brain and I scrawled out the words as fast as I can. I honestly can say that I had the lyrics written in under five minutes. I tried them with the music and made the necessary tweaks here and there. When I was satisfied, I called Jools in to hear the finished product.

"Mr. Cool, here comes the big man

Dressed so flash, he knows he can

Move and shake and make the waves

Demand the attention we know he craves

But know this little guy

I can see through you

The bigger the pride

The bigger will be the fall

I'm not gonna cry

And I'm not gonna do

What you want Mr. Snide

For you make my skin crawl

So sweet and nice, on the outside

Think you leave the girls tongue-tied

We simper and swoon – or so you wish

In a little bitty pool oh you're the big fish

But know this little guy

I can see through you

The bigger the pride

The bigger will be the fall

I'm not gonna cry

And I'm not gonna do

What you want Mr. Snide

For you make my skin crawl

Have the last word, think you win

For your big bubble oh I've got the pin

To burst your dreams, hah! Mr. Ego

You're a skunk – see you later amigo!

But know this little guy

I can see through you

The bigger the pride

The bigger will be the fall

I'm not gonna cry

And I'm not gonna do

What you want Mr. Snide

For you make my skin crawl!"

It was tongue in cheek, it was loud, yes it was almost cheesy and it was most definitely fun. As I let the final discordant notes fade I looked at Jools and she looked at me and we both began to smile which led to giggles and out and out laughter. She came over and hugged me, "Go for it sister."

I laughed and hugged her back. I felt so much better. I sat back, "I mean it's fun, but can we really use that as a song?"

Jools nodded firmly, "Too right you can. Yes it's a little crass but it's different and it's fresh. It's all in the delivery that lets you get away with it. I mean at that line where you say 'see you later amigo' and you stopped the music and gave that sardonic little wave – perfect! You have to use it."

I grinned, "OK, I'm persuaded and I know just the person to dedicate it to."

 

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Jon came over on Monday and I played him the new song. I had the mannerisms and vocal inflections perfected to give the song the delivery it needed. It got the same reaction from him as Jools had given, he laughed. He shook his head and sniggered, "My goodness, how on earth did you dig that out of yourself? Remind me never to get on your bad side."

I shrugged, "I got the sack from the restaurant and I'm dedicating this one to my erstwhile boss."

Jon's expression sobered up a little. "The sack eh? How come?"

I winced, "It's a long story and not a very pleasant one."

Jon put his guitar back in his case and went and sat down on the sofa against the wall. I looked at him curiously, "What are you doing?"

He patted the seat beside him, "If it's a long story, I'm damned if I'm not going to be comfortable for it."

I shook my head, "I'd just rather forget about it if you don't mind."

He shook his head more emphatically, "No you don't. If you put such a cauldron full of vitriol into this song, there must be some story to tell."

I sighed and gave in as I joined him on the sofa. I rehearsed through the whole sordid sequence of events. For some strange reason I didn't go into much detail about Sam and how he had taken care of me. I didn't understand why I didn't divulge this but it just didn't seem right. When I finished my tale Jon gave a low whistle and I saw him clench and unclench his fists. "Hey steady on," I said.

He turned and looked at me and with an almost dark expression on his face asked, "Just where is this restaurant?"

I tried to laugh, "You are joking aren't you."

He held my gaze for a moment and then softened and shrugged, "I guess. But someone needs to teach that jerk a lesson."

I put a hand on his arm, "I'm touched by your concern Jon but I'm OK. Nothing bad came of it and we got ourselves another song."

"I know," he replied, "But you do need to be careful. Things are different now as you keep saying. You can't just act as you used to. You have a different effect on people the way you look now."

"I know. I'll be more careful. I promise."

He grinned and then asked, "Did you have to give your uniform back?"

I immediately got a little suspicious, "And why pray tell would you want to know that?"

He shrugged and winked, "Never know, it could come in handy for special occasions."

"Jon Peters!" I exclaimed, "You are incorrigible!"

He laughed and jumped off the sofa out of reach of my grasp and went to grab his guitar, "Nah, I'm just male. Now teach me this new song of yours."

 

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Over dinner that evening Jools had her official business hat on. "We have to go in to Sony tomorrow Cara and meet with Simon Andrews"

"What about?" I asked between mouthfuls of pasta.

"He wants us to work out a provisional timetable with him of how the next few months are going to pan out. He's keen for you to get into the studio as soon as possible. When do you think you could do that?"

I sat back in my chair and thought for a moment. "OK we have the band finalised, but we haven't practised together. We need to get together and I'd need at least a fortnight or so of solid practice to get us into shape I reckon."

Jools forgot about her dinner and grabbed her diary, "Alright, that would take you to about 13 March or so. Why don't we aim to start Monday 17 March. I'll tell Simon Andrews we couldn't possibly start until April though."

I was confused, "Huh? Why will you say that if you think we are planning to start mid March?"

Jools grinned, "Because you want to let him think we are compromising. I'll say April, he'll say start of March as time is moving on. I'll hum and haw, consult with you and offer him 17 March which he will jump at. He'll think he's gotten a good deal out of it and we get what we want."

I laughed. "Jools, I'm so glad you're on my side. Ever thought about trying to negotiate the Middle East peace treaty or something?"

We both laughed and finished our meal. That evening I was going to phone round the band and tell them to prepare for intensive practice starting on Wednesday, two days away. Jools would hear none of it. She said she was the manager and it was her job. She said I was the star and it was my job to look pretty and sing nice. She was teasing me and I laughed and tried not to rise to it. I rang Jon though and let her ring the others. We chatted about what the best way to go about learning the songs and practising them would be. We worked out a few ideas. He was keen to get the band together and truth be told, so was I. It was good to be eventually getting somewhere. We both agreed that we needed some more songs though.

 

----------*----------

 

"Cara, Julie – how delightful to see you again." Simon Andrews shook our hands enthusiastically and I noticed his gaze linger a little longer on me than was absolutely required. "Come on in to my office, you're just in time for coffee."

I was wearing a pair of tailored black slacks and at Jools' insistence, I was wearing my low cut lilac top. It seemed to be having the desired effect. We chatted and exchanged pleasantries over coffee. He was actually courteous and reasonably charming. I began to revise my previously jaundiced view of Simon. True I had felt hard done by and bitter at my first rejection by him when I was Nick. However as I thought about it, it was that meeting and the feelings I had had after it that had led to me doing the demo disk of the female songs. And we all knew where that had led to. In a sense I had Simon to thank for the person I had become. I mentally shook my head to clear it of such strange thoughts and tuned in again to the conversation.

"Right Cara, Julie. Let's see where we are and where we need to go. Firstly, you have your own band isn't that right Cara?"

I nodded, "Yes that's correct."

He nodded and wrote something down on the pad of paper in front of him, "Julie, I presume you have the sub contractual details for the band members sorted."

It was Jools' turn to nod, "Yes I do. The contract Sony have is with CMA representing Cara and CMA has negotiated the contracts with the individual band members and will continue to do so."

"Good," he said enthusiastically, "we're very happy to leave that to you."

He turned to me, "Now when do you think you might be ready to start recording? I can't emphasise how excited we are here and I am personally about getting a single recorded and released. And then forging on ahead with recording your first album."

I knew the answer immediately but made the pretence of thinking about it and I furrowed my brow a little. "Umm well, now let me see – to be honest, things are progressing well, but I'd be happy with about another month of practice or so." I paused and Jools took over.

"Yes, we were thinking that booking recording time for the start of April would probably be best."

Simon gave a little wince and then covered it up, "Ah right." He nodded slowly, "I have to say, we would like to push the schedule up a bit." He chose his words carefully, "We believe the market is ripe for Cara Malone and we want to strike while the iron is hot. So to speak."

I smiled and blinked a few times, "Simon, you're mixing your metaphors aren't you?"

He looked at me blankly for a second, "Uhh?" He tried to recover, "Oh right, yes I see." He smiled. "You're teasing me aren't you?"

I laughed and shrugged, "Would I?"

He relaxed a little and sat back in his chair smiling, "OK ladies, my cards are on the table. I'm getting pressured to get you into the studio and to get that lovely voice of yours on tape." He saw my mouth opening and he held up a hand, "OK tape, disk, digital media….whatever they use nowadays."

I laughed and leaned back in my chair and let him continue, "So what can you do to help facilitate me on this?"

I looked at Jools and we exchanged a few glances and murmurs. We weren't really saying anything as we knew what the outcome was. We both nodded to each other and Jools cleared her throat before speaking up, "OK Simon. How about mid March, around the 17^th?"

His face lit up with a smile and he checked his schedule, "Yes that could work." He scribbled something down and then nodded again, "Yes, that will be fine I am sure." He looked pleased with himself. I had to try hard not to snigger and there was no way I could look at Jools or I knew we would both probably burst with laughter.

"OK, moving on," he said with his suave manner back in the driving seat, "I had thought that we would book time with Air Studios. Does that sound acceptable?"

Jools had a blank look on her face so I knew I had to field this one. "Sure Simon that's grand." I didn't know too much about different studios, but I had at least heard of Air Studios so I figured they must be OK.

"Good, good," he continued, "and we have a good producer and sound engineer team that we have used on different projects before. We think they would be perfect to work with you on this. You probably won't have heard of them but the producer is called Steve Yarwood and the engineer is Tom Dickson."

He was right, I hadn't heard of them, but then again I was new to this side of the business. "Have they produced anyone famous?" I asked.

He hesitated, "We-ell. Not as such." A pause, "But ask me that question in six months time and the answer will be 'Yes, Cara Malone'." He grinned.

I smiled. It was a good recovery. "Alright Simon," I chuckled, "I'll take your word for it."

He grinned, "We are almost done – oh wait." He frowned a little. "There is a slight problem. Our PR department were doing some preliminary work and there is something amiss it seems."

My heart leapt into my mouth, they had found out! Then my mind stepped into the discussion and kicked my heart back down into my chest. How could they have? I told my innards to be quiet whilst I waited for Simon to continue.

"They were trying to register web domains on our and your behalf such as www.caramalone.com, .co.uk, .org, .net and various other combinations. However it seems as if someone has snapped up almost every possible one you could think of. It's a bit worrying that some cybersquatter has got onto this and we could be looking at a costly deal here to reclaim them. Would either of you have any idea if someone who knows of your deal might have done this?"

I shook my head. I hadn't a clue. I looked at Jools and saw she had a strange smile on her face. I raised an eyebrow questioningly. She coughed, "Emm, well I may have the answer there." She had full attention from both of us as she continued, "I sort of registered all those possible domains."

I looked at Simon and he looked at me. He smiled a wry little grin, "Cara it seems as if your friend Miss Carstairs is always one step ahead of the game."

I laughed, "Oh no Simon. It's at least two or three steps."

He laughed too. "So Julie, I'm presuming we don't have a problem then?"

Jools shook her head, "Not at all, I was just being cautious and making sure no-one else got them. I'm happy for your PR department to use these domains for promotional purposes, but of course as the registered owner of them, I'll expect to be able to approve final content."

He shook his head and grinned, "I'll have to keep an eye on you I see. That should be acceptable. Out of interest, when did you register the domains?"

Jools grinned, "Shortly after my first meeting with you Simon, it was back in early December."

That had been before we had landed the contract. I had barely been Cara Malone for any length of time at that stage. Jools really was something else. I never ceased to be amazed by her detailed planning and forethought. I think Simon was also beginning to realise that she was a force to be reckoned with.

"Now, I don't know about you ladies, but I'm starving. What say I treat to you to lunch at a wonderful little establishment I know nearby?"

We both agreed heartily.

 

----------*----------

 

We found ourselves in the Sony canteen on the top floor of the building with Simon. We protested that we felt cheated, but it was all in good humour. Truth be told, the food wasn't actually bad at all. Conversation was relaxed and I enjoyed myself. I found myself warming to Simon more and more. He was just a normal guy trying to do a decent job. He wasn't the ogre I had created in the dark recesses of my mind. He was relatively new to the music business and was working his way up from the lower ranks fairly impressively I gathered. When we asked him what he had done before joining Sony, he was a little evasive and mentioned something about trying to set up his own business but it hadn't gone well. I suppose it was fair enough as I had my turn to be evasive when he asked me questions about my life. I kept details to a minimum and tried to use the truth wherever possible. I didn't want to surround myself in a web of lies that would trip me up.

After lunch, he said he wanted me to meet with one of the PR consultants so that they could get some background detail on me so that they could open a portfolio on me. He said he would go with Jools and meet some of the other people in the PR area and they could sort out preliminary plans for future promotion and the like. I was a little nervous about what background detail would be required, but I couldn't really show it. Olive was a friendly girl who was probably in her late twenties. She brought me into her office and tried to make me feel at ease.

"Hi Cara, now look this is very informal. I just want to chat over some basic things about you and take a few notes. This is only a first chat to get a feel of how to market you. Sorry if that sounds cold and calculated, but I'm afraid it comes with the territory." She smiled apologetically.

I shrugged, "That's OK, I know it has to be done."

And so she began to ply me with questions. What age was I, when and where was I born, where did I grow up. She asked if Cara Malone was my real name. I was a little hesitant at answering but knew I had to. So I told her my real name was Nicola Evans. She didn't see anything incongruous about this and continued with her questioning. She asked about my musical development. When she asked about previous bands I was sketchy on specifics as I didn't want anything revealed that could raise questions as to my previous identity. To her credit, she made most of it seem like a friendly chat and I had to be careful about the depth of information that I revealed. I don't think I stepped out of line though and after about an hour she closed her notebook and declared that she had enough to work on for now. I was relieved and I met Jools in the PR department lobby outside. She was sitting chatting to Simon and we said our goodbyes and took our leave of them. Jools questioned me intently on the way home about what I had been asked, but I eventually managed to convince her that I hadn't let anything slip that I shouldn't have.

 

----------*----------

 

I was up good and early the next morning and met Kate as usual in the park. It was a grim wet morning and we both confessed to having been severely tempted to remain ensconced in our beds. After our customary circuits, we caught our breath and chatted. I admitted to her that one of the reasons I had dragged myself out was that I didn't want to be shown up by her. I wasn't going to be the one wimping out just because it was wet. She laughed and admitted that the feeling was mutual. We both decided that accountability was a good thing.

"Say what are you doing on Friday night?" she asked me.

I was taken off guard, "Umm, nothing I think."

She grinned, "Great! Want to come out for some drinks and dancing with me and some of my friends?"

I inclined my head, "Kate I dunno…"

She interrupted with a teasing smile, "Have you any better offers?"

"Well…no I guess."

"Great, so that's settled. Come on, all work and no play makes Cara a dull….well whatever."

I laughed, "OK, but I'm not much of a dancer."

Kate winked, "We'll get you into shape. You can't be a female singer these days and not know how to dance."

And so we made plans that I would pick her up as her house was on the way to the club she was planning to go to. I wasn't too enthralled at the prospect, but perhaps it would be good to get out with my newfound friend. I knew it could only be a help for me to make new friends and interact with them as Cara.

 

----------*----------

 

It was just before 10 a.m. when Jon arrived. We made a few rearrangements to the back room behind Jools' office so that we could fit the entire band in. Kevin was next to arrive and Jon helped him to lug his drums in. Just as they were bringing the cymbals in, Brian arrived and brought his gear in. Each person found their own space and got themselves set up. We were looking at a period of intense practising so the gear was going to be left set up where it was for the next week or two. Noel was the last to arrive and he huffed and puffed as he brought his keyboards in. At last everything was set up and plugged in. This was the first time that the whole band had been together at once. I noticed that everyone was looking at me sort of expectantly and I felt that I should say something.

I cleared my throat, "Thanks everyone for coming. I don't know about you, but I'm excited at the prospect of us all working together. We have a lot to do and the clock is ticking. We will be hitting the studio in just over two week's time. We've got about seven songs written at present and obviously we need more. I'm hopeful that as we learn the songs together and develop our sound, inspiration will flow and we'll get a few more songs written. So let's get down to it, anyone got any questions?" I looked around the room. Jon grinned at me and gave me a little wink. Kevin was bouncing up and down on his stool and I could just about hear a faint bass drum beat emanating from his direction at the back of the room. He smiled nervously, "No questions from me Cara, I just want to get on with it." I looked at Brian and he met my gaze but just shook his head. No words. I didn't really expect any. I looked at Noel, he smiled and quipped, "I just want to know when I get to meet all the groupie rock chicks." The joke bombed, no-one laughed and he shrugged and murmured, "Hey just kidding guys."

And so we started. If you think that we just clicked and immediately found our sound, you would be wrong. It was awful. It is easier to teach a song one-on-one, but when you are trying to teach it to several people at once who all have their own ideas about how it should sound: it's a recipe for disaster. We had tried one or two of the songs and whilst everyone had the basic order and chords and the like sorted, the sound wasn't right. The entrances and endings weren't tight and as the morning wore on, I became more frustrated. We were still working on 'No Half Measures' and when after the umpteenth time, we didn't get the ending down pat, I nearly lost it. "No, no, no," I yelled. "We do the chord sequence only three times at the end and then a short sharp finish. This is woeful!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard Jon's voice say, "Relax Cara. Why don't we break for coffee? It's early days." I sighed and took a deep breath. He was right. We took a break and I felt the tension ease a little. I think that my frustration arose from the combination of my perfectionist tendencies and the fact that I had been playing solo for about the last year to eighteen months. I wasn't used to working with other people. Sure enough, over the last few months Jon and I had got things sorted between us and knew the songs backwards. The more people involved though, the harder it is. I knew that we just needed the time to develop the musical relationship that a good band needs. Over coffee, the conversation was a little stilted at first as we all didn't really know each other. I tried to engage Brian in conversation and found that on a one-to-one basis he wasn't just as monosyllabic as I had thought at first. He genuinely seemed to be naturally shy and quiet. He was not without opinions though and he made several helpful suggestions on how we could improve a few things in the two songs we had worked on before. I found myself warming to him. I had previously worried that he seemed aloof, but I reckoned that he just needed time to get to know someone before he would be more at ease.

After coffee, things weren't much better. It was hard work and we grafted away at learning some more of the songs. We had decided that perfection wasn't going to come in one day, or rather Jon had gently suggested that whilst pointedly looking my way. I took the hint. We worked through 'No Half Measures', 'Living Life in Colour' and 'Nine Years Old Again'. By lunchtime I was exhausted and we took a break again. I found myself sitting beside Kevin. Whereas Brian was quiet and measured in his words, Kevin was a total chatterbox. There were no problems with the flow of conversation. He was a bundle of nervous energy and was always tapping a foot or drumming his fingers on the table or any nearby surface. He was constantly pushing his hair back from his face or readjusting the position of his glasses. I felt nervous just watching him. I grinned, "Kevin relax, you're making me feel on edge."

"Oh sorry Cara," he apologised, "I didn't mean to. Don't think I can't help it. I'm always sort of a little you know like highly strung. Don't really know what other way to be though. Sorry."

I laughed, "It's OK, I'm sure I'll get used to it. Are you really always like this?"

"It is a little worse than normal," he admitted.

"Because of meeting new people, a new band and all?" I enquired.

He grinned, "I guess." He paused, "Plus, well, I'm sort of nervous when…well when talking to women." He smiled apologetically.

I winked, "Well don't worry, I promise not to eat you." After a moment, "That is, unless you keep missing the final beat of 'Living Life in Colour'." He laughed.

After lunch, we plodded on and tried out 'I just wanna be me' as well as running over the songs from the morning. At about four o'clock I felt I couldn't take any more and called a halt to the day's proceedings. There were a few glad but tired looks around the room. We had all found it tough and no-one was particularly relaxed. Jon was the last to leave and before he left I think he sensed my despondent mood. "Hey chin up, we'll get there," he said.

"Will we?" I asked looking up from where I was sprawled on the sofa.

"Course we will. You just have to remember that everyone isn't quite as perfect as you are."

I looked up sharply at that comment to see if he was being serious. He had a big grin on his face and winked. I threw a cushion at him, "I'm not perfect and I don't think I am."

He raised an eyebrow, "No but from talking to some of the guys today, they think you're pretty close to it."

I didn't quite know how to respond and felt myself redden a little, "Umm, what do you mean?"

He shrugged, "Oh you wouldn't be interested, guy talk you know."

"No, go on," I encouraged trying not to sound over interested.

He smiled, "Kevin thinks you are absolutely gorgeous, Noel thinks you are a total babe and Brian even admitted that you are stunning."

I waved a hand at him to cover my embarrassment, "They did not say all that."

"Oh no? OK, you ask them tomorrow."

"I will do no such thing."

He grinned, "Alright, but do cut them some slack. Remember they are overcome with your beauty and find it hard to concentrate." All the remaining cushions from the sofa were launched in the direction of where Jon had been standing before he began evasive manoeuvres and headed out the door laughing.

 

----------*----------

 

Thursday was not much better than the previous day. We ran over the songs that we had already done and whilst there weren't as many mistakes as before, the sound was rather flat. Everyone still had to concentrate too much and it wasn't flowing yet. Nonetheless we worked on relentlessly. We did 'Not dancing, but flying'. For this one, I was going to play piano and I wanted Noel to add some string pads from the keyboard. Again as I sang it, I couldn't hold back the emotion that it called for and I think something of that was communicated to the others and they were able to feed off it. After the third time, I had to admit that it sounded good and it sounded alive. I could see the beginnings of hope reflected on some of their faces.

Over lunch I was chatting to Noel. He didn't have a problem with conversation and I soon gathered that his favourite subject was talking about himself. I found that I didn't have to contribute too much as he told me about which bands he had been in, who he had worked with, and basically how good he was. I got the feeling that he was trying to impress me. I wasn't overly impressed. It wasn't helped by the fact that he spent more time making eye contact with my breasts than my eyes. He seemed oblivious to that fact.

Another afternoon of hard work followed. With all the bodies and electrical equipment in the room, it got hot and humid. I was wearing a blue denim blouse over a white vest top and I was getting hotter and hotter. In between songs, I decided to slip it off and I set it down on a chair and turned round to talk about what we would do next. I found four pairs of eyes glued to me. "What?" I asked. "What are you looking at?"

Suddenly all four pairs of eyes looked away and there was a chorus of "Nothing," "Sorry," "Dunno..". I sighed and rolled my eyes. OK so it was a sleeveless vest top, it displayed cleavage and was short and revealed my lower abdomen. My first reaction was to grab my blouse and put it on again but I decided that would be defeatist. I smiled, "Does anyone have a problem with the way I look?"

Again a chorus, "No," "Not at all," "Definitely not."

"Good," I said nodding firmly, "Cause you are all going to have to get over it and focus on what we are doing." I paused and then continued, "When we're performing live, I'm sure I'll have outfits that are well…look anyways, we've a job to do." I was getting a few strange looks. I smiled, "Look, you want me take the vest off too so you can get used to it?" They laughed and a few eyebrows were raised, but no-one dared to answer in the affirmative. The atmosphere was a little more relaxed and a bit of friendly banter crept in to the exchanges between songs. Correspondingly the music was slightly more relaxed, but still not exactly flowing.

At the end of the day when the others had gone, Jon joined me on the sofa again. "Tired?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm bushed. You?"

"Yep, it's draining. But we are getting there. It'll take time. Wait and see, one of these days it'll fall into place."

I smiled wearily, "I sure hope so."

"Hey trust me, would I lie to you?"

I shook my head, "You wouldn't dare." I paused, "Look…thanks."

"What for?"

"I don't know, for being here, being part of this. I couldn't do it without you."

He chuckled, "Cara Malone, the more I get to know you, the more I think you could do just about anything you put your mind to. But thanks all the same."

 

----------*----------

 

Friday's practice was fairly uneventful and we were settling into our routine reasonably well. We had worked our way through all the songs that we had so far. I wouldn't say that we were spectacular, but technically things were more solid. There was a faint pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel and I sensed that we were starting to play more as a band than a group of individual musicians. I just hoped the spark would soon come that would ignite something special. The guys were getting to know each other better and there was more banter and relaxed conversation. I sort of felt a little left out as the guys seemed to be bonding more with each other. I reckoned it was probably to be expected. I don't know if they felt awkward with me or intimidated or anything like that. I hoped not, but I couldn't really ask them. I made a mental note to ask Jon sometime.

I was picking Kate up at around 8 p.m. and I had had a fair amount of indecision over what to wear. I enlisted Jools' help. She was ever practical. "Well what sort of night is it?"

"I dunno Jools, what do you mean?"

"What's the goal of the night? What are you hoping to achieve?"

"I'm not trying to achieve anything, it's just Kate, me and some of her friends going out for some drinks and dancing." I screwed up my nose a little.

"Don't you want to go?" she asked.

"Well I guess, I think I should anyway."

"I agree. So, just a night out with friends then, nothing more?"

"Like what?"

She shrugged, "Oh I don't know, a group of girls going out…I'm sure you're not looking for male attention." She winked.

"Well I know I'm not!"

She laughed, "I dare say you'll get it whether or not you want it."

After a bit of discussion and trying a few things, we decided on a white satin blouse and a short black miniskirt and my four-inch high heels. As it was an evening trip out, the makeup was more pronounced than normal.

"Looking hot!" Jools complimented.

"Thanks," I grinned.

"Knock 'em dead girl." We laughed.

 

----------*----------

 

I pulled up outside Kate's apartment just after eight and honked the horn. She came out and climbed in.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed, "what a car!" She looked at me, "And you're looking fantastic too. Amazing how you clean up when you're not wearing your tracksuit."

I laughed, "You don't look half bad yourself." She looked extremely good in fact. She was wearing a short red dress that left plenty of her long legs on view. We went to a club in the Chelsea area and met Kate's friends Cheryl and Lois there. I felt a little uncomfortable and awkward. I wasn't really used to this social scene but the friendly chat and easygoing manner of the girls helped me to relax. As I was driving, I didn't drink anything harder than Pepsi. Kate even managed to persuade me to venture onto the dance floor. Despite my protests, she told me that she thought I was underplaying my dancing ability. I thought she was just being nice. I was trying to watch closely what the other girls did and follow suit. There was a fair bit of male interest. Only to be expected with four attractive girls out on the town on a Friday night, but we made it clear that we were just out to have a good laugh together and weren't looking for any escorts. At the end of the night we said goodbye to the other two and hugs were exchanged.

I dropped Kate back to her apartment and she asked me if I wanted to come in for a coffee and I accepted. Her one bedroom apartment was simply but tastefully furnished and her coffee was good too.

"Did you enjoy yourself tonight Cara?"

"Yes, I actually did. Thanks for making me come."

"Making you come? Was it that bad?"

I laughed, "No, I guess not."

She was sitting beside me on the sofa and she gave me a funny look, "You know you look really great tonight."

I felt a little embarrassed, "Erm thanks. So do you. No wonder we were fighting the guys off."

She smiled at me, "Cara, I do a lot of fighting off the guys."

I grinned, "I can imagine."

She shook her head and was serious now, "No, I mean I ALWAYS say no to guys." She gave me a meaningful look. I swallowed.

"Oh," I said. "Erm, are you saying…" I couldn't finish the sentence.

She took my hand and spoke softly, her eyes fixed on mine, "Cara, I think you are exceptionally beautiful and I am very attracted to you. Do you find me attractive?"

I did, but what should I say? "Erm yes Kate, you are very attractive."

She smiled and slid herself closer to me. I felt quite uncomfortable, "Kate, I don't know…"

"Shush," she said gently and brought her lips to mine. She pressed them against mine gently for at least a minute. I didn't know what to do. My mind was swimming with a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. She slid her arms around my neck and began to kiss me with more passion. I was very confused. I did find Kate attractive, but the strange thing was that it felt wrong kissing her. I couldn't explain it. Six months ago if I had found myself kissing a beautiful creature like Kate, I would have thought it was my lucky day, or lucky year, but it didn't feel right now. I broke the kiss, "Kate, no please." She sat back and smiled, "What is it dear?"

"Kate I'm sorry. I just don't think this is right for me. I'm sorry."

She shrugged and seemed to deflate a little, "I'm sorry too. But don't sweat it. I know I was pushing it, but you can't blame a girl for trying."

"No hard feelings?" I asked.

She smiled and shook her head, "I guess I've sort of given myself away, but I hope you don't hold it against me."

"No, I don't. Definitely not. Can we still be friends?" As I said this, I think we both realised how corny it sounded and we both giggled.

Kate hugged me gently, "Of course. We must go out again sometime again, and I trust I'll see you in the mornings for our usual exercise endorphin fix?"

"Count on it," I said.

As I drove home and then later as I lay in bed, I did some serious thinking. All this time, I had been telling myself that I was still attracted to women. And yes I still was. It wasn't that I found Kate unattractive and it wasn't that kissing her was repulsive. It just didn't seem comfortable or natural to me. This was quite disturbing. I didn't really know what I had been expecting or what I was hoping for relationship wise, but now I had serious doubts. I didn't think I could seriously consider a relationship with another woman. It wasn't that suddenly now I wanted to go out and find a boyfriend. Far from it. That wasn't on the agenda either. I sighed as I tossed and turned in bed. Was I doomed to a lonely life? I had restless dreams that night.

 

----------*----------

 

CHAPTER 21

 

I slept in the next morning and I think it was about 11 a.m. when I dragged my sleepy form out of my bedroom in search of the elixir of caffeine. I was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and half eaten piece of toast for company when Jools came in from outside. She'd been shopping for some groceries and greeted me cheerily, "Morning Cara, good night last night?"

I forced a smile, "Yes, not bad." I swirled the remaining contents of my coffee mug and contemplated whether or not to grab a second cup.

"Are you listening to me?" Jools asked pointedly.

"Huh?" I said, which probably answered her question clearly enough.

She sighed, "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?"

I grinned apologetically, "Umm, I guess not."

She sat down opposite me, "OK, out with it."

"Out with what?"

"What is eating you?"

I shrugged, "Nothing really, just tired."

She gave me the 'don't give me that crap' look and I sighed. "OK, well it's sort of awkward…" I paused. I didn't really know what to say or how to say it, but I related the events of the previous night to her and told her something about my equivocal feelings. Jools for all her dynamism and energy was actually a very good listener when she had to be. I suppose it came with the job as she had to massage the egos of her clients and be sympathetic to their various tales of woe.

"How do you feel now?" she asked.

I thought for a moment and downed the last dregs of my coffee before replying. "Confused. Puzzled. Afraid?"

Jools shimmied her chair round closer to mine and put a hand on my shoulder, "Afraid? Whatever for?"

I shrugged and somehow the tears switch was flipped. I don't know where it came from because I never used to have such a switch, but now it seemed that at random and unexpected times this switch, wherever it was, would be flipped and the tears would start immediately. Jools hugged me and reached for a tissue for me. I wiped my eyes and tried to regain control of myself. "I don't know what's wrong with me," I said. "I just feel all mixed up." I looked up at her and dabbed my eyes again, "I just worry about where I fit in and how things will end up."

Jools sat there holding me for a few minutes before saying anything. Then she turned me towards herself and made me look at her. She spoke gently but with purpose, "Listen to me Cara Malone. You are on a journey of self discovery. I don't know where it will end and you don't know. But one thing I know is that you are a beautiful and talented young woman who has the world at her feet. I know that is frightening, but this is life. None of us know what the future holds, it is scary. Granted, you have had a more marked period of change recently, but do you doubt who you are?"

I thought about her words. Who am I? She was right. I smiled at her, "I know who I am, I'm Cara Malone."

Jools paused again before asking another question, "Would you want to be anyone else?"

I shook my head, and tried to lighten the mood, "Hell no!"

We smiled and hugged and she whispered in my ear, "Be who you are and let the future work itself out around you."

I sat back and began awkwardly, "Jools, listen thanks…"

She interrupted me with a chuckle, "No no no. Don't do this. I don't want to join you in hormone driven tearful land." We laughed and hugged again. I felt a little more relaxed and we sat and chatted about the band. I expressed some of my frustrations to Jools and the worries I had about getting the energy from the music that it needed. We talked about the different band members and their strengths and weaknesses. Jools looked thoughtful and she was getting that dreaded look in her eyes.

"Uh oh, Jools what are you thinking?"

She smiled at me, "Oh, I was just thinking of an idea to help you all focus on getting the energy right and the like."

"What is it Jools?" I asked as I started to get worried.

"Don't worry, let me think this through and see what I can do."

Now I was very worried indeed, but no amount of pushing or prodding her would make her open up and tell me what she was scheming.

 

----------*----------

 

We had been practising for about an hour or so on Monday morning before Jools interrupted us. I was grateful for the interlude as things were moving on very slowly and painfully. After what had seemed like some progress at the end of the previous week, it was as if we were back to square one.

"How goes the music making?" Jools asked brightly.

None of the others, except Jon, really knew Jools that well and so to them she was 'the manager'. And they responded like school children caught by the teacher.

"Pretty good," Kevin nodded enthusiastically from behind his drum kit. "Yeah, grand," offered Noel as he slouched over his keyboard. "Umm, OK," said Brian. Jools looked at me and with my back to the band, I rolled my eyes at the responses from the others, "Hey Jools."

She smiled, "Hi Cara." She returned her attention to the whole group, "I'm glad practising is going well, that's just what I needed to hear…" She let her statement hang there in the air, like a juicy worm on the hook at the end of a line. I made like a fish and took the bait.

"And why is that Jools?" I barely managed to veil the concern in my voice.

She grinned at us all and clapped her hands, "Because Friday night you have your first gig in 'The Den'." She looked around as if for applause. None was forthcoming. I knew 'The Den'; it was a mid sized club in the East End. They quite often had bands in on the weekend and whilst they didn't have the most discerning audience in the world, the standard was usually fairly good.

"Jools!" I protested, "What on earth do you think you are doing?"

She blinked as if surprised, "Why, I'm doing my job. That's what managers do."

I walked over and taking her by the arm, walked her out of the room, and when we were out of earshot hissed, "What are you playing at? There's no way we are anywhere nearly ready to play a gig. We suck, and I mean really suck. Didn't I just tell you all about this like two only days ago? Are you out of your mind?"

She smiled at me and I began to wonder if she really was losing it. She shook her head, "No I'm perfectly sane and rational. I heard what you said about things not coming together and I thought that you just needed a focus to help refine your talents."

"And this is your solution?" I asked with a degree of exasperation.

She grinned, "Neat, isn't it?"

I sighed, "Tell me you are joking. Tell me that it's all a ruse so that we pull our socks up. I'll go in there and maintain the pretence and see if it helps."

She laughed and shook her head, "Oh it's no joke. Cara Malone is taking the stage at nine o'clock this Friday night for a one hour set."

"I really can't believe you have done this Jools." I stormed off back into the room in a foul mood and from the looks on the guys' faces when I entered, I was not doing a good job of hiding it.

"Right," I said tersely, "she's not joking. And I don't know if any of you have noticed, but we suck. I don't know why the hell we do as we are all talented musicians. But we are going on stage this Friday night and I sure as hell don't want to make a fool of myself. And I don't want anyone else making a fool of me either. So we need to wise up and get our act together. From now on, no messing around, no fouling up, we get it right and double fast. We need to play every song as if we had an audience of thousands watching. Anyone got any questions?" I put my hands on my hips and dared them to ask. No-one did.

We rearranged the room a little at Jon's tentative suggestion to make it more like a stage setting. The way he offered his suggestion to me almost made me laugh as it looked as if he was afraid to open his mouth. We had Kevin at the back of the room with Noel and his keyboards just in front. I was centre 'stage' with my guitar and mike, Brian to my left with his bass and Jon on the right with guitar. I got him to set up a mike stand for himself despite his protests. "It's time for vocal harmony," I said abruptly, "and I know you can sing, so you're elected." I turned and fixed my eye on Brian, "Can you sing?"

He looked like the proverbial rabbit caught in the headlights and didn't answer for a moment. I was running low on patience and prompted, "Well? Can you?"

He shifted uncomfortably and began hesitantly, "Well, maybe a little, but I don't know about…"

I interrupted, "Good enough for me, grab a mike and stand for yourself too and let's see what we can do." He looked as if he was going to protest but it died in his throat before ever being vocalised. He duly set up another mike and stand.

I turned round to face them all, "Alright, no messing about. Let's do it and the first one to mess up has to answer to me. Got it?" The nods from the rest of the room indicated that they had. "Good. No Half Measures, from the top: one, two, three, four." And so we kicked into it. At first I thought it was sounding pretty good, but as we moved into the first chorus I realised I had been wrong. It sounded damn good! Whereas before it was lifeless and anaemic, now it was vibrant, passionate and gripping. I know I put more into my rhythm guitar and belted out the vocals as if my life depended on it. Jon went for it in the guitar solo and slightly overdid it as he hit a few bum notes. He saw my baleful eye fixed on him and mouthed 'Sorry' at me. I couldn't help but grin and turned back to sing the last chorus. We brought the song to a close on its final power chord and it was inch perfect. There was a brief moment of silence

"Was that cool or what," Kevin enthused. Noel swore in agreement, "Bloody right!"

I turned round, "Gentlemen, one song doesn't make a set. Or an album; we've a long way to go." They murmured sheepish apologies. I didn't really want to dampen their enthusiasm, but I didn't want us to lose the edge that we had had for the first song, so I maintained the outward impression of 'aloof bitch' as Jools was later to christen it. We ran through the rest of the songs and although we weren't note perfect, we had an energy that we had not had before. I felt the buzz of playing live music that had been absent for most of our time together. The others felt it too. We took a very short break for lunch as we were all keen to maximise the time we had. We worked on some vocal harmonies for part of the afternoon. 'You make my skin crawl', 'Not dancing, but flying', 'Coming home' and 'I just wanna be me' didn't require any backing vocals we decided. So we focussed on 'No half measures', 'Living life in colour' and 'Nine years old again'. Brian and Jon both had decent voices and as they both had a good ear for a melody, it wasn't too difficult. We did take some time with me on the piano and them standing round to fine tune the backing vocal lines. Before breaking for the day, we did one last run through of the songs from start to finish. It was tight, it was exhilarating, and it was exciting.

When we were done, I turned round and smiled, "Thanks guys, good work today. Sorry for being a bit sharp earlier. I think we did good today." They all shrugged off my earlier attitude and the day ended on a much higher and happier note than the one on which it had began. As usual, Jon was the last to leave.

"Was I too harsh earlier?" I asked with concern.

He laughed, "Nah. It was what we needed. A good kick up the backside and it seemed to do the trick. You should do it more often. You know…"

He looked like he had been about to say something else so I pressed him, "What were you going to say?"

He shrugged, "Oh nothing."

"No go on."

He laughed self-consciously, "I was just going to say that you should be careful when you get into that forceful 'take-no-crap' mood."

"Why?" I asked.

He grinned awkwardly, "You have no idea how attractive you appear when you are angry." He winked.

I laughed and blushed all at the same time. I was a little thrown by his comment and tried to recover, "Oh and I thought you were immune to my charms."

He nodded, "Yeah that's right, I was forgetting that. It's the other guys I was worried about."

Later that evening I buttonholed Jools. "That was your intention all along wasn't it? Put the fear of God into us and hope it did the trick?"

She laughed, "That just about sums it up yes."

"So is there really a gig?"

She smiled, "Yes there is, it had to be real to work. I thought about just bluffing you, but decided it had to be real."

I grinned, "You're something else! What if it doesn't work? What if we make a hash of it on Friday?"

"Oh I don't think you could let that happen, do you?"

She was right. I hadn't been as fired up on adrenaline for a long time. In a sense, landing the record deal had taken a lot of pressure off. Yes we were going to have to go and record in the studio, but that didn't create an immediate stress. Jools was a lot smarter than a lot of people gave her credit for. I knew how to play the music, but she knew how to play the people.

 

----------*----------

 

The practising continued to be fruitful over the next few days and we were definitely beginning to play like a band rather than a group of disjointed musicians. The empathy that Jon and I had enjoyed seemed to spread to the whole group. There was that sense of anticipated knowledge were we knew where each of us was going and where any of us would be at any one time. More to the point, we were enjoying the music which was a relatively new experience for us all. I did find that things seemed to move along better if I maintained a little aloofness and created the impression that I would be none too impressed with any messing up. From the way Brian and Kevin tiptoed around me, I almost began to think they were afraid of me. Noel was a different kettle of fish: he was brash, confident and little seemed to faze him. At times I nearly lost my façade as I would spot Jon out of the corner of my eye grinning at me and giving a sly wink when I launched on a mini tirade. I think he knew I was playing it up, but he didn't give me away.

Not only did we get the songs I had written practised to perfection, but we worked on a few cover versions to add to the set for Friday night: 'Show me heaven', Sheryl Crow's 'All I wanna do' and Nina Simone's 'My baby just cares for me'. I loved the jazziness of the latter and we really were beginning to get a good sound going. On top of that, we actually got a few new songs underway. It was funny the way it happened. Jon told me to go take a break for a while on Wednesday afternoon. My voice was croaking a little and despite my protests, he insisted. Truth be told, I was happy to go upstairs and grab a drink and lie down for a few moments. Of course I fell fast asleep on the sofa. I don't know how long I was asleep for, but I awoke as I felt someone touch my hand. I blinked and looked up. It was Jon. He was sitting on the edge of the sofa.

"Sorry," he said, "you looked so peaceful there. I almost didn't want to disturb you."

I blinked a few more times and sat up, "It's OK, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

He grinned, "I was wondering since you were doing the sleeping beauty thing if I was going to have to kiss you to wake you up."

I laughed, "Yeah, but that would only work if you were Prince Charming."

He held his other hand to his chest, "Ouch!"

I chuckled, "Come on, help me up." He pulled me to my feet and we headed downstairs. Before we entered the room where the band was, we could overhear some of the exchange taking place therein.

"Come on, he's so got the hots for her," Kevin's voice.

"I dunno guys, I hear they've just been friends for a while," added Brian.

"How could he not have the hots for her? I mean come on, open your eyes and look at her," obviously Noel.

I shared a rueful grin with Jon and he just rolled his eyes as he led the way into the room. "Hope we're not interrupting anything important," he said with a sardonic tone. Kevin looked around guiltily, Brian shrugged and Noel smiled at us both, "Not at all, just waiting for our beautiful leader." He winked at me and I forced a smile.

"Sorry guys," I apologised, "I'm afraid I fell asleep up there."

"No problem Cara, you've earned it," said Kevin sincerely, his usual bounce and nervous energy now restored after the initial awkwardness of our entrance passed.

"Anyway," said Jon with a grin, "while you were sleeping, we were slaving away down here and we may have come up with a new song."

I gave him a poke, "Hey, I resent your implication. But go on, tell me more."

He shrugged, "I had a little riff I have been playing with the past few days and we sort of threw it around and toyed with it. Sounds pretty good. Want to hear it?"

"Sure I do!" I sat myself down on a chair as they assumed their positions.

Jon counted them in and it started with a mellow bass line, syncopated drumbeat and Noel playing a sax solo line on the keyboard. After a few bars, Jon joined in with sharp short chirpy chords on the guitar. He had a lot of chorus effect on it and it added to the overall mellowness of the sound. They ran through what was obviously the verse and then moved into a faster moving chord progression that I presumed was the chorus. I sat and enjoyed the sound. My foot was tapping away and I couldn't help but smile. There was a real soulful R & B feel to it and I liked it. It was a happy sound. Noel was playing a sweet Hammond organ line with his other hand and the occasional sax burst on the other keyboard. Jon led into a jazzy solo and Noel reprised it on the sax before they led the song up a key for the final chorus. They finished on a slow drawn out 7^th chord.

"Well?" asked Jon expectantly. All eyes in the room were on me.

I forced a straight face and nodded nonchalantly, "Yeah I guess it sounds OK." I could see Jon's mouth beginning to open and I knew he was about to sound forth so I continued, "OK OK, I love it, it sounds great!" I winked at him and he threw his plectrum at me in mock anger.

"No seriously guys, I love the whole sound. It's a real feel good sound and I'm very impressed. How did you come up with it?"

Kevin shrugged, "Jon played the chords, I added the drums and everyone sort of added in their bit."

Jon nodded, "Yeah, I mean it sounds way different to what I had originally thought, but far better too."

"Great," I said, "so where are my words and what's the melody?"

Jon laughed, "Hey you have to do some of the work."

I grinned. I had thought as much. So I asked them to play through it again and again so I could really listen to it and see if anything came to me. They did so. I had the feeling of a song being just out of reach but the substance of it eluded me. After they had played it through several times, I stopped them and apologised. "Sorry, there's just nothing coming at the moment. I'll get the chords and work on it."

 

----------*----------

 

The next day started bright and clear and I met up with Kate as usual in the park for our morning ritual. Things had been a little uncomfortable at the start of the week after what had happened between us the previous Friday night. However I felt that we were getting back to normal and I was glad. I didn't want to lose one of the few new friends I had made. I think she felt the same way. After our run, we were chatting as usual.

"You OK?" she asked.

"Sure, I'm fine."

She looked away for a moment before looking back at me, "I mean about last week and all."

I smiled at her, "Kate, to be honest, I'm really flattered and in a way I'm sort of sorry I don't feel differently. I really value your friendship and don't want to lose it."

She sighed, "Thank heavens. I really thought I'd blown it. I was cursing myself all weekend and was hoping you would still show up this week. I just thought you seemed a little preoccupied this morning."

I nodded, "I guess I am. We've got our first gig tomorrow night and I'm a little nervous."

"Oh where is it?"

"Why?" I asked cautiously.

"'Cause I want to come and see you in action."

"No you don't. Now you are making me really nervous."

"No seriously, tell me. I'd really like to come."

I sighed, "OK. It's at 'The Den', in the East End. We're on about nine or so."

"I'll see you there."

"I hope you won't be disappointed."

 

----------*----------

 

Thursday's practice was uneventful, but productive. I really did think we were ready to go on stage and it was almost miraculous as I wouldn't have put any money on that bet at the start of the week. However as ready as I thought we were, I was still quite uptight at the prospect. I couldn't sleep. I sighed as I watched two a.m. roll round on my bedside clock. I threw back the bedcovers and pushed my hair back from my eyes. I wandered over to the window and opened the curtains and sat down on the wide windowsill to look out over the city. I don't know if you have ever experienced it, but there is something strange about being up at night when most of the rest of the world around you is sleeping. It's almost as if you share a secret with the night that no-one else is in on. I don't quite know how my train of thought meandered on its way, but I got to thinking. That sort of deep and meaningful thinking that the busyness of the daily routine rarely affords you time for.

Things in my life had changed so much. Here I was sitting in a black silk nightie, aware of my breasts rising and falling with every breath I took, my silky smooth legs curled up under me and my long black hair tickling the bare skin at the top of my back. How had I got here? Did it really matter? I supposed not. What counted was that as I sat there looking out over the city lights that winked back at me, as I followed the tail lights of the occasional night driver on the road below, I felt at peace with myself. I think it was Marvin Gaye who said, "If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else." I believed he was right. The last few years I had been searching for peace outside of myself. I had been looking for it in outward circumstances and in what I wanted to happen. Now, it was different. I was happy with who I was. I had self worth and didn't need external things to validate who I was.

Despite all this though, there were things that were still unknown. Such is the nature of life. As my mind wandered on, it turned to thoughts of love. The craving of the human being for love is a mysterious urge. Some would say it is what sets us apart from animals. I wondered about what love I could find. I thought about Kate and what had taken place between us. I was sure that what I had done was right, yet my confidence was tinged with regret. I thought about Paul and the time we had spent together before Christmas, but I had to admit that although I had some feelings for him, it wasn't love. There was another thought beginning to surface in the recesses of my mind, but it was too painful or difficult for me to allow it to grow any further. For now, at least.

And just like that it can happen. Sometimes you can't force it, but it comes when you least expect it. And so I scrabbled around and found a pen and a scrap of paper. In the reflected glow from the streetlights outside I wrote as the feelings flowed into words on the page. When I was finished, I was almost shaking. It comes like that at times. I didn't know where it came from and I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I wasn't sure that I could understand where it was coming from, but it had come nonetheless. Quietly in the semi-darkness, I sang through the words. I heard the chords of the new song in my head and the words meshed with them effortlessly.

"It's two o'clock in the morning, as I stare through the glass,

As the world outside goes to sleep, save for my thoughts I'm all alone,

I think if I sit here long enough, perhaps the feeling might just pass,

But in my heart of hearts I know it won't, and I reach for the phone:

To call you up, and ask you now

If you know why I feel this way

It feels both wrong and right somehow

And I just don't know how to say

The words I'm feeling in my heart

But am afraid to believe they're true

To open up and make a start,

And simply say that I need you.

Yet again I set it down, too afraid to make the call,

I sit and ponder what might be, until my mind goes numb,

Don't know what's the greatest fear: to fly high or low to fall,

But I feel it growing deep within, and know the time will come:

To call you up, and ask you now

If you know why I feel this way

It feels both wrong and right somehow

And I just don't know how to say

The words I'm feeling in my heart

But am afraid to believe they're true

To open up and make a start,

And simply say that I want you.

I wonder is a love so real, if it's never really voiced,

Yet inside my head the voices grow, 'til it sounds like a choir,

Demanding that I soon must act, I feel my eyes grow moist,

Steadily growing deep within, it's a never fading desire:

To call you up, and ask you now

If you know why I feel this way

It feels both wrong and right somehow

And I just don't know how to say

The words I'm feeling in my heart

But am afraid to believe they're true

To open up and make a start,

And simply say that I love you."

Perhaps it was the sheer exhaustion of writing, the energy involved in the creative process and all that. Perhaps it was the reluctance to think through where what I had written had come from. Either way, I padded back to bed and fell into a deep sleep.

 

----------*----------

 

We had agreed to do one final run through on Friday morning and when everyone arrived, it was obvious that we were all a little keyed up, myself included. We got on with it though and did a straight run through our proposed set. We were going to open with 'No half measures' and close with 'I just wanna be me'. Things went fairly smoothly with only the odd little minor slip from someone here or there. When we were done we broke for coffee.

Jon sat down beside me and took a sip from his coffee, "So, any inspiration yet Cara?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the song we did the other day. Got any words for it yet?"

"Err yes, I guess so."

"Well why didn't you say so?" he asked.

"I didn't want to distract you all from the practice for tonight." This was only half the truth. I wasn't prepared to acknowledge the other half.

"Guys," Jon called, "Cara has got words for our song."

There was a general consensus that they definitely wanted to hear it so after we finished our coffees we headed back to our positions. I felt strangely nervous. It was almost like that feeling in your dreams of finding yourself in school wearing nothing but your underpants. I made a mental note that I would have to adjust that dream to wearing a bra and panties. It was the feeling of being open and exposed and I guess that comes with writing personal lyrics. "Now, I haven't really practised this much," I said, "so I don't know how it will sound. Go easy on me, OK?" They all promised so to do and Jon counted us in.

I sang tentatively at first, but as the song progressed I closed my eyes and poured my emotions and feelings into it. It felt and sounded good to me, but I didn't know how they would receive it. When we finished there was silence and nobody said anything. I wasn't sure what that meant. Did they think it was soppy tripe? Did they like it?

I laughed nervously, "OK somebody say something. I'm getting paranoid here."

Strangely it was Brian who was the first to find his voice, "That's amazing Cara. Really moving."

Kevin now found his voice and bounced on his stool, "Bloody brilliant Cara, really like you know."

Noel nodded and gave me the thumbs up, "Just the ticket honey."

I looked at Jon and raised an eyebrow, "Well Jon, you are the writer of the music, do the lyrics fit in OK?"

He tutted and shook his head, "Now you've given us a real problem."

I felt concerned and it must have shown. His face broke into a grin, "Because for a cracker song like this we are going to have to make room for it in our set tonight and get it better practised."

I pouted at him, "Jon Peters, you are going to pay for that."

He winked, "Whatever the price, it was worth it to see the look on your face."

We played it through several times and it just got better and better. We talked about it and decided that it would be a better song to finish with as it had a real 'end of the night' type feel to it. The combination of the feel good music and the emotional longing of the lyrics seemed to work. It was early afternoon and we called it a day. We were as ready as we were going to be.

"Thank goodness we are done," I said, "Gives me plenty of time to get ready for tonight."

"What do you mean?" puffed Kevin as he carried out his floor tom.

"It takes time for a girl to make herself look good…and to decide on what she is going to wear."

"Pfah!" said Noel, "You'd look fantastic in anything."

I smiled and reddened a little, "Thanks, but I'll make the effort nonetheless. Have you guys all put a little thought into your look and outfit for tonight?"

The shared guilty looks that passed amongst them answered my question for me. I sighed, "You guys have it easy."

Brian smiled, "No-one will be looking at us Cara; we're just content to stand in your shadow."

I rolled my eyes, "Typical men."

Brian had a small van and all the equipment was packed into it. The guys were going to get down early to get set up. I offered to help but was immediately told I would only be in the way. I was quite relieved. I never liked the equipment lugging part. Jon again was the last to leave.

"You OK?" he asked.

"Yep, I'm fine."

"Ready for tonight?"

"I'm a little nervous. You know, sort of first time on stage performing for real as, well you know, Cara."

He smiled, "You'll do great."

"Thanks. Couldn't do it without you all."

"Listen, about that song?"

"'Simply Say'?"

"Yeah, I mean how do you write that stuff?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's powerful, where do you get it from? You never wrote like that before."

I shrugged, "I don't know. I guess as clichéd as it sounds, I'm more in touch with my feelings now. I just sort of tap into what I feel inside and let it out."

"So where did this one come from? Who's it about?"

I laughed self-consciously, "Oh nothing or no-one in particular really. It's the product of a late night insomnia session and thinking too deeply about things."

"Well keep it up, it's fantastic."

"Thanks," I smiled broadly.

He reached down and gave me a quick hug that took me by surprise. "What's that for?"

He shrugged and picked up his guitar case, "It's a good luck hug for tonight. See you later."

 

----------*----------

 

When I went upstairs to the apartment I got a big surprise.

"Beth!" I squealed.

"Cara!" she squealed back and ran at me. We embraced warmly for a minute or so.

"It's so good to see you," I beamed at her.

"And you too! Let me look at you." She stood back and appraised me. "Girl you look fantastic, you really do."

I blushed and waved a hand at her, "Oh now, you have to say that. But what are you doing here?"

She grinned, "I heard that a certain young up and coming superstar was playing her first real gig tonight and I wasn't going to miss it. So I thought I'd pop up to the big smoke for the weekend."

I laughed, "Well, I'm not too sure about your reasons, but it's great to see you."

She grinned coyly, "And I hear you've ditched those expensive breast forms I went to all the trouble to get for you? Something you have to tell me eh?"

I laughed and we spent about an hour chatting and catching up as I told her all about what had been happening. She knew most of it as she and Jools were in touch regularly. That was one of the things I had learnt: when girls talked it wasn't just about the transfer of information like it was with guys. The talking itself and the communication were the important things, the factual content was secondary. Jools came in and found us giggling together like two schoolgirls.

"Surprised you have the time for such frivolity," she said with a wink, "I'd have thought you'd be up to your eyes getting yourself ready for tonight."

She was right. We had lost track of time. As it was dinner time, we grabbed a quick bite to eat before I began the process of preparing myself. In my case it was a very quick bite as I had no appetite whatsoever. I excused myself from the table and went to soak in the bath. I washed my hair and was heading back to my room wrapped in a towel when Beth called out, "Want any help Cara?"

"Do I ever! Thanks, yes Beth."

When we got into my room, I turned to her, "Hey, this is just an excuse to see my new breasts isn't it?"

Beth laughed and reddened a little, "Well now that you come to mention it…."

I sighed theatrically and grinned as I lowered my towel. Beth gasped, "Oh my goodness Cara, they're beautiful. So realistic."

I laughed, "They are real, believe me the pain was only too real."

She grinned, "You know what I mean. Is there even any scar?"

I bashfully lifted one of my breasts up, "It's supposed to be underneath it."

Beth inspected closely, "I'll be darned if I can see it. Good workmanship."

"Didn't come cheap," I said dryly.

"I can imagine. So, on to business. What are you going to wear?" Beth asked.

I groaned. We looked through my wardrobe and after a fair amount of discussion, we settled on a little black dress. Just off the shoulder, fairly low cut, figure hugging and above knee-length.

"Are you sure?" I murmured. "I mean it's very…."

"Very what?" Beth asked with a cheeky grin on her face.

"It's very sexy."

She laughed, "Then it matches well with the wearer. Sweetheart, you aren't going out there to look like a sack of potatoes."

I grinned ruefully, "I guess."

We decided to go all out, so it was corset time again. I hadn't been wearing it much recently as I had a fairly natural narrow waistline now. Well if hormone enhanced can be called natural that is. Beth tightened it viciously.

"Gah, I don't know if I'll have the breath to sing Beth if you tighten it much more."

She laughed, "You're out of practice; you'll have to wear it more often."

I slipped a pair of sheer black stockings onto my legs and attached them to the suspender belt. I pulled the dress on over my head and arranged it on my figure. Beth gave a low whistle, "Looking good."

She blow dried my hair for me and helped me style it. It looked really good, shiny and vibrant with a lot of body to it. I let her do my makeup for me. Why would I do it myself when I had a professional here in my room? As it was a night time outing and especially as I was going to be performing on stage, she didn't hold back at all. My eyes were neatly outlined with black eyeliner, she seemed to have used a whole tube of mascara on my lashes and my lips were ruby red. When she was finished, my nails matched my lips. I put my drop earrings into the lower holes in my ears and medium sized hoops in the upper holes. A pendant necklace that nestled in my bosom completed the ensemble. For shoes, we decided it had to be heels. I went with my five-inch heels. I wasn't planning on doing much dancing on stage. I wasn't planning on doing any actually.

I looked at myself in the mirror and could barely catch my breath. It had been a while since I had done myself up like this and Beth's help had certainly made a difference. I still couldn't get over how beautiful I looked.

"Well, happy?" Beth prompted gently.

I smiled tentatively, "Oh yes. Thank you so much."

Beth looked at me strangely, "You know, don't take this the wrong way, but Cara Malone – you were born to be a woman. When I look at you like this, I have no doubt of that fact."

I felt a strange mixture of emotion at her words, but the main one was pride. "Thanks," I murmured and made every conscious effort to keep my eyes dry.

We went out to the living room and Jools nearly dropped to the floor when she saw me, "My goodness Cara, look – at – you!" She sighed, "I knew I forgot something."

"What?" I asked.

She grinned, "The troupe of bodyguards to keep all the males in the audience away from you."

I stuck out my tongue at her and we all laughed.

 

----------*----------

 

CHAPTER 22

 

Jools drove the three of us to 'The Den' and when we arrived, the manager pointed us towards the dressing rooms. That was whenever he took his eyes off me long enough to focus on the question at hand. There were two rooms. One for me and one for all the guys. I guess that was the reward for supposedly being the star. I left my coat and purse in my room and knocked on the door of the other room, "You all decent in there?"

The answer was in the affirmative so I entered. I got quite a response. Brian was unusually vocal, "My god Cara you look absolutely gorgeous." Kevin wasn't far behind, "I'm going to have to blindfold myself to be able to concentrate on the set." I laughed and murmured thanks to both of them. Noel grinned at me, "Very hot, very hot indeed." I didn't really like the way he was looking me up and down, but it wasn't the first time I had experienced it.

The rest of them started chatting so I turned to Jon who was unusually quiet. "You OK Jon?"

He nodded and looked at me strangely, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"What's wrong?" I asked, I lowered my voice, "Is there a problem with the way I look?"

He gave a little laugh and shook his head emphatically, "Not at all. You look absolutely amazing." There was a certain reticence in his manner though that I couldn't quite fathom.

Before long it was time to get ready to take the stage and we heard the manager make his introduction, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lovely, the beautiful, the gorgeous Cara Malone!"

We walked on, me leading. There was a loud cheer from the audience and a few wolf-whistles also. I smiled shyly and waved at the crowd. The guys had done a full sound check earlier so we were good to go. A friend of Brian's was manning the sound desk for us. I picked up my guitar and turned to see that everyone was in position. I nodded to Jon and he counted us in as we kicked off with 'No Half Measures'. It was loud, it was bold and it was fun. I began to relax a little by the second verse. It was a medium sized club and due to the bright lights, I really couldn't make out anyone in the audience. At the end of the song, there were loud cheers and a lot of applause. It was hard to know how gigs like this would go. Sometimes the music captivated the audience, other times it was background filler as people enjoyed conversation and drinks. My goal was for them to be fully focussed on us.

"Thank you, thank you," I murmured into the microphone. "It's great to be in 'The Den' tonight and we hope you'll enjoy what we have in store for you. My name is Cara Malone. This next song is about being back where life was fun and simple, it's called 'Nine years old again'." And so we started into it. We were all a little more relaxed now and as I looked over at Jon he grinned back at me. The audience were quite responsive and as they warmed to us, I relaxed more and more and tried to chat to them as freely as I could. It was one of the things I always made a big deal of: I couldn't stand artists who stood up and played live and never tried to connect with the audience, the sort who never said more than a few words to their listeners.

The set went well and in the middle we slowed it down a little with 'Not dancing, but flying' and 'I'm coming home'. The cover versions were fairly well received too, and I may have been imagining it, but perhaps they didn't get as much applause as our own material. So I would like to think anyway. The time flew by and before I knew it, we were at the last song.

"Thank you so much. Our final song of the night is one of those mellow moments when you stand back and look at your life and think about what is really important to you. It's best done in the middle of the night too – this song is called 'Simply Say'."

The bass, drums and Noel doing the sax on the keyboard all started in and I couldn't help but smile. I was really enjoying myself and as I stood with the mike in one hand, I swung my other hand, clicking my fingers to the beat. The boys excelled themselves in their respective solos and I lifted my eyes heavenwards as I gave the last chorus everything and then we brought it down to its gentle close. The audience cheered and applauded. Despite the bright lights I could see that several members of the audience were on their feet.

"Thank you so much, and goodnight." As we walked off the stage, the cheers intensified and I felt like I was walking on air, rather than the thin 5-inch heels. They were cheering for an encore, but as we had nothing else to give them, we didn't go back on. We got back into the dressing room and there was a lot of cheering and high-fiving. I turned to Jon and he surprised me by sweeping me up in a large bear hug. "Cara, you were awesome, I really mean that."

I laughed, "Hey, between you and the corset, I can barely breathe." He released me and looked a little bashful. "*We* were great," I emphasised. I turned to them all, "Thanks guys, if you'd told me on Monday morning that we could have done what we did tonight, I'd have sent you to a psychiatrist to have you committed for insanity."

Jools and Beth burst in and there were more hugs and congratulations all round. Jools made a little 'manager' speech congratulating us and telling us that the owner of the establishment had sought her out halfway through the set to arrange for us to play there the next Friday night.

"And you said?" I asked.

She grinned and winked, "I said sure, as long as the fee was doubled."

"Jools!" I gasped.

She shrugged, "I regret it too. He agreed so easily, I should have asked him to triple it."

We all laughed and began to wind down. In the car on the way home, I asked for honest feedback. "How was it seriously?"

Beth began to gush, "Honestly Cara, I couldn't believe it. The shy little girl that spent a month with us is now this confident sensual creature who owned the stage."

I laughed and began to protest but she cut me off, "No seriously, you were sexy, but warm and friendly and the music was top notch. You're going to make it big."

"My head will make it big first if you keep on like that. Jools?"

"I agree totally with Beth. First rate stuff and you should have seen the rapt attention you were getting particularly from the guys in the audience."

I shuddered a little, "I'd rather not thanks all the same."

I was so exhausted when we got home that it was all Beth and Jools could do to persuade me to get undressed and remove my makeup. I can hardly remember the process as I think they did most of it.

 

----------*----------

 

After a long lazy lie in and a relaxing brunch, the three of us, Jools, Beth and I, went into central London for an afternoon's shopping. We were bad for each other as we encouraged one another to make more purchases than we really should. It was great to catch up with Beth and spend some time with her again. I hadn't realised how much I had missed her until now. Her quiet sensitive nature, yet fun loving spirit complemented Jools' ebullient confidence. We had fun. We did the dinner and a show thing. Beth wasn't up in London much and insisted that we go to a show. We took in 'My Fair Lady'. I had seen it before, but it was magical nonetheless. I was a big fan of musical shows. I could sort of empathise with the thrill that the stage performers must have gotten from their performances.

On Sunday we actually went to Church. Beth's good influence. Although she was quiet, she had a strong spirit and was very strong in her personal beliefs and attitudes. She chided us mildly for being 'lazy pagans' as she called it. There was something nice about getting dressed up in good clothes and doing something different on a Sunday. We went to the local Anglican Church, St. Simon's. It was only a 10 minute walk and apparently Jools had very occasionally been along to it before. It was quite a modern service in contrast to the formal traditionalism of Seaton parish and I found that I enjoyed it. The minister was Reverend Taylor and he was a kindly man in his early forties.

As the afternoon was clear and sunny, Beth and I decided to go for a walk. Jools said she had been good enough for one day and couldn't be bothered. It was also an excuse for me to give Beth a ride in my new car. She was quite taken with it and I was like a proud parent showing it off. We drove in to Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens to enjoy a leisurely walk.

"So how are you Cara?"

"Oh I'm fine."

"No I mean, I'm really asking that sincerely. Are you doing OK?"

I turned to Beth and smiled, "Did I ever tell you that you are one of the most wonderful people I have been privileged to know?"

She laughed and reddened a little, "Thanks, but you're not getting away that easy."

I smiled, "I think I'm doing alright Beth. I mean, there's still a lot of adjustment. But I'm coping with most things. I'm fairly happy with how I look, how I talk and move and act. How I interact with most people."

Beth grinned, "You're fairly happy about how you look? If anyone else heard you say that they would probably stone you on the spot in a fit of jealousy."

I smiled a little shyly, "OK, I guess I'm pretty thrilled about how I look. I still can't believe it is me a lot of the time."

"What about interacting with men?"

"How do you mean?"

"I'm thinking that they probably find you attractive to say the least. Have you had any bother?"

I shrugged, "Not really. I do get a bit of attention, most of it unwanted. I'm aware of the looks they give me and don't want to think too much about their thoughts or intentions. I guess that's part and parcel of the whole deal."

We walked on in silence for a few minutes before she spoke again, "Jools told me about what happened with your friend Kate." She paused, "I know she probably shouldn't have, and she'll kill me for mentioning it to you, but I just wanted you to know you can talk to me anytime about it and the whole thing around it."

I smiled, "Thanks Beth. I don't mind her telling you. You two are really about the closest friends I have." I hesitated, "Being honest, I've found it hard to understand. I really can't fathom it. I mean, I still find women attractive, very much so. But it just felt so wrong. It felt like it wasn't the way it should be."

Beth listened and nodded, "You know Cara, most women can appreciate attractiveness in other women in a way that men can't do with one another. But like you have described it, it doesn't go any further as it doesn't feel right for us."

I pondered this, "Are you saying that I'm just like another woman now in that way?"

Beth shrugged, "I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud." She hesitated, "I mean, do you feel any different about men now?"

I chewed my lower lip and thought. I stopped walking and she did likewise. "I really don't know Beth. I don't think I do, or perhaps I don't want to think I do." That thought that I had been ignoring rose again in the back of my mind, but I suppressed it again. I wasn't ready to try and deal with it. I shrugged, "I don't know. It sort of scares me and I don't think I can deal with that sort of thing."

Beth put a hand on my arm and spoke softly, "You don't have to. But just keep talking to someone. Can you talk to Jools OK? I know she isn't going to make 'Counsellor of the year' or anything."

I grinned, "No she isn't, but to be fair to her she's been fantastic. She's always there for me and she knows me so well that I can't hide much from her. I'll keep talking don't worry."

She smiled, "And you know, you can give me a ring at any time whatsoever. I really mean that."

I smiled and gave her a quick hug, "Thanks Beth."

 

----------*----------

 

We were back into practising with a vengeance come Monday morning. There was a fair bit of euphoria in the group as we relived our performance from Friday past. We did take a little time to dissect it and think about how we could improve it. We had been tight on most aspects, but we had to think about how we could do better. Complacency is the musician's worst enemy. We had another performance coming up this Friday night and in one week's time we were entering the studio. There was plenty enough to keep us occupied as we prepared for those two goals.

We ran through our songs again and again. The life of a song is almost like an evolutionary process or rather it can mirror the cycle of life. It starts off raw but precious in its infancy and then moves through the gawky teenage stage of finding itself. Then it perfects and refines itself in early adulthood until it has the mature confidence of experience. Then, although it doesn't apply to all songs, it can become a little old and not just as fresh as it was. And of course, a song can die. With most of our songs we were moving from the gawky stage to the refining stage. As we played our songs, each band member would try something a little different. Sometimes it worked and was incorporated into the song. Other times, it bombed and was dropped immediately. However all in all, the sound was coming together. The hard work and graft was covered last week and this week things were more relaxed and not as onerous.

The experience of playing live had brought us closer together as a band. I was a firm believer that to play well together, a band had to know each other fairly well. There was a fine balance though between being good friends and being too introspective as a group. I think that some bands suffer in the long term by slowly losing touch with anyone outside of the immediate band circle and surrounding entourage. You need to have a life outside to give you some perspective. However, the conversation was freer, more relaxed and even Brian was known to put a few sentences together in succession.

I ran with Kate on Tuesday morning and she raved about our performance on Friday night. I had been so caught up in it that I had forgotten that she was planning to come. I tried to pass her comments off as exaggeration but she would have none of it. She was planning not only to come back on Friday night, but also to bring any of her friends she could drag along.

On Wednesday I had a new idea for a song that I wanted to try out. A melody had been going around in my head and a few chords were attaching themselves to the melody. A few words were also floating around in that mix too. During coffee break, I took to the piano and fiddled around, humming to myself. Although I hadn't intended it, the fledgling song took on a bit of a Gospel feel. The guys gradually filtered back in and, as is the same with all musicians, couldn't keep themselves from joining in. They each took a quick look to see what key I was playing in, except Kevin who wouldn't know a music key if it hit him on the head, but then again he didn't need to know. Brian began to add a mellow bass line and Kevin added a soft rhythmic beat. Noel toyed about with a Hammond organ sound that perfectly suited the feel of what I was doing. Jon stood and listened for a long time with a thoughtful expression on his face. It was as if he didn't quite know what to do. When he did eventually join in, it wasn't anything like what I was expecting. He fiddled with his effects rack and began playing short strummed chords high on the fret board using his wah-wah pedal. It sounded a little incongruous and I shot him an unsure look. He grinned at me, shrugged, and shouted, "Bear with me." So I did.

We played through the chords which were now a verse and a chorus. I talked them through the idea I had and we tried it. I started on the piano with a slow Gospel feel and hummed the first verse. In the second verse Brian came in on the bass and Noel on the Hammond. The tempo picked up a little and Kevin joined us in the chorus with a soft bass drum beat and picking out the rhythm on the high hats. He came in fully for the third verse, but we kept Jon out until the second chorus when he added in his wah-wah guitar thing. It was surprisingly effective and changed the tone of the song into a rockier feel that let me pick up the intensity of the vocal line and lead to a strong finish.

We tried it again and this time, I just let my mind and mouth work away at putting out the lyrical ideas that had been swirling around in my head. It didn't often happen this way, but I basically just sang my way through the song and wrote the lyrics as we played. When we finished I hurriedly grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled down as much as I could remember. We played it again and I filled in the blanks and changed things about here and there until I was happy. The song was called 'Dreaming your life' and was a play on words about whether we were trying to live our dreams or dream our lives away. I liked it. The guys liked it. We now had nine songs.

 

----------*----------

 

On Friday morning, we did one practice run through our set and it was sounding pretty good. We decided to leave it there. "Now guys," I joked, "I want you all to make more effort in selecting your stage outfits and make sure you are comfortable with your look, OK?"

The looks I got from the four of them indicated that they had little intention of doing any such thing. I sighed, "So easy for you lot. Whereas I've got all the difficult decisions of getting the right outfit and the right look."

Noel grinned, "Cara darling, you don't need to worry, you will look absolutely gorgeous. But I find it hard to imagine you looking any better than you did last week."

I laughed and retorted, "That sounds like a challenge."

He shrugged, "What do you think Jon? Could she look any better than last week?"

Jon didn't look too thrilled about being dragged into the conversation. He shifted awkwardly, "Umm, I think she looks grand all the time."

Noel grinned, "Good answer. Tell you what Cara, if you look any better tonight than you did last week, drinks are on me."

After they had all packed up and left, Jon remained behind again. He looked like he had something on his mind. "What's eating you Jonboy?" I asked.

He exhaled slowly, "Noel's getting to me a little."

"How so?"

He shrugged and gave a wry smile, "You haven't heard the most of it, but he keeps implying that there's something between you and me."

I waved a hand, "Just ignore it."

He nodded, "I could if he would just let it rest. But he keeps pushing me. Asking me why I'm not interested and is there something wrong with me and the like." He paused for a moment, "He keeps saying that he thinks 'I'm in there'. Like as if you have the hots for me."

I wasn't sure what to say. I passed it off, "Jon, he's just spouting. You know that."

He grinned ruefully, "Yeah I guess. Gets to me though." He looked as if he was about to say something else and hesitated. I gave him the 'go on' look and he began hesitantly, "Well, it's just that after I deny any interest…well he then asks if it is OK for him to try his luck and make a move."

I screwed up my face, "Eww. And what did you say?"

"I know you wouldn't be interested so I tell him that I don't think you would go for it. And then he just accuses me of trying to put him off because I'm really interested." He spread his hands, "I don't know what to say."

I grinned, "Tell him he's right. Tell him that you're dead keen on me but just haven't got the nerve to tell me yourself."

He laughed, "Oh sure, like that's a likely story."

I joined in with his laughter, but deep down inside, I felt very strange. I felt hurt. I think it was because of his suggestion that it wasn't possible for him to be attracted to me. Or was it something more?

 

----------*----------

 

Although I knew I should not rise to Noel's baiting, I had decided that I was going all out to make a big impression that night. So after an intense afternoon of pampering myself, which I had to admit I found quite relaxing and enjoyable, I got myself ready. I picked out a low cut cream top with spaghetti shoulder straps and slipped it on. It was short and exposed my lower abdomen. I was in two minds, but eventually decided to go with the leather micro miniskirt that I had worn on New Year's Eve with sheer black stockings and my knee-high leather boots. I spent a lot of time brushing and styling my hair. Beth had left me a hair straightening kit which she had said I should try sometime. Since I had plenty of time, I tried it out and found that it removed the natural waviness from my long black hair. Looking in the mirror, I saw that I now had sleek, shiny, straight long black hair which fell to midway down my back. I was a little more daring with the makeup than I had been the previous week. I figured that as I was on stage I could get away with it. Bright red shiny lipstick, matching nails, long black lashes, and a touch of rouge to highlight my cheeks against my milky complexion. I picked out a pair of long dangly earrings and popped them into my ears. I looked at myself in the long mirror and had to smile. I slipped on a leather jacket and went out of my room to find Jools.

"My god Cara, are you planning on giving every man in the place a heart attack tonight?"

I winced, "Is it too much? I know it is a bit on the sexy side."

Jools grinned, "A bit? Honey, you are so far on the sexy side that the line has dropped out of sight."

I bit my lip, "I'll go change."

"No way! I mean, yes you look like a total sex kitten, but you look fabulous. It's not too much. It's just perfect." I must not have looked convinced for she carried on, "Yes OK, you wouldn't want to stand on a dark street corner dressed like that, but to be a rock chick on stage? Perfect."

I pouted, "I'm not a 'rock chick'."

Jools laughed, "Yeah right. Are you telling me you don't like the way you look."

I smiled primly, "That's irrelevant. I'm just dressing as the occasion demands."

 

----------*----------

 

I sauntered casually into the guys' dressing room without even knocking. I knew they wouldn't be changing or anything. In fact, I wouldn't have been surprised if they had been wearing the same casual gear they had had on that morning. Indeed, Kevin was. I smiled coolly, "Evening chaps."

I got stunned stares and silence in response. I batted my eyelids, "What? Cat got your tongues?"

Brian gave a low whistle but didn't say anything. Kevin swore under his breath. Jon was giving me a strange look and Noel was doing an impression of a fish as he tried to find some words to say.

I quirked an eyebrow at Noel, "I believe the words you are searching for are to convey the fact that indeed tonight the drinks are on you, no?"

He rubbed a finger around his collar, and sheepishly admitted, "You've got that right." Silence from the room again.

I rolled my eyes, "My oh my, it's as well I'm not insecure and seeking reassurance from you all as to whether I look OK."

Jon grinned at me and spoke quietly, "Cara, I think you can safely assume that we all think you look pretty amazing tonight."

"And then some," Brian added.

"Too flippin' right," Kevin said bouncing up and down on his stool.

I laughed, "OK OK, that's enough. We've got a show to do."

Just before we were about to head on stage, Jon took me aside and spoke softly into my ear, "Cara, are you sure you should go out on stage dressed like that?"

I frowned, "Dressed like what Jon?"

He shrugged, "Well dressed so sexily."

"Why? Don't I look good?"

He sighed, "You know you look good. Yes of course you look good, too good."

I shook my head, "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just that you look like every male's fantasy. The guys will practically be drooling over you. I mean you saw the effect you had on us when you came in."

I smiled at him, "Jon, seriously I'm fine. I like the way I look. It's not quite what I would wear for going shopping or doing the groceries, but for a stage performance, I'm perfectly comfortable dressed like this. Is it really a big problem?"

He shook his head, "No. Just be careful."

"Hey, are you trying to be a surrogate father or something?"

He chuckled, "Naw, more like a big brother watching out for you."

I was trying to think of a suitable response when the MC called out my name as he was introducing us. I led the guys out onto the little stage and smiled and waved at the crowd. There were quite a few cheers and wolf-whistles. We got into our positions and I slipped the strap of my Fender Stratocaster over my head. I looked around and as we were all ready, counted us in to 'No Half Measures'. It was loud and energetic. I enjoyed it. The guys enjoyed it and the crowd seemed to enjoy it too.

When the song finished, I spoke to the crowd. "Good evening everyone. I'm Cara Malone. Tell me, was anyone here last Friday night?" There were a few shouts in the affirmative. I gave a mock grimace and turned to Jon and in a stage whisper which the microphone could easily pick up said, "See, I told you we would need some new songs." There was laughter from the audience. I turned back to face them and asked, "Erm, was anyone who was here last week perhaps even slightly drunk at the time?" Again a few shouts of yes. I smiled and nodded, "Ah well, in that case, we'll all probably be fine then. Have a few drinks for me and we'll have a grand night. This next song actually is a new one and it's called 'Dreaming Your Life'."

The set was tight and was going well right up until I was about to introduce the last song. We were planning on finishing with 'I'm Coming Home'. However, as I stepped up to the microphone to speak, I heard Jon speaking into his microphone.

"Now folks, Cara thinks we're about to do the last song, but we've got a little surprise for her to keep her on her toes." The surprise that would have been evident on my face was not faked at all. It was all too real as I had no idea what Jon was about to do. He continued, "We in the band thought we'd set her a little challenge and see how she managed. We're going to do a song that she is not expecting and see if she is able to carry it off. Join in if you think she needs a little help." He put a lot of emphasis on the last word.

I felt my heart pound and I looked over at Jon and mouthed, "What on earth are you doing?"

He grinned and shrugged and counted the band in. As the introduction started I felt a little relief as I recognised it. It was 'Help', the old Beatles' classic song. I knew the words too, didn't everyone? So I decided to play along and give it what for. "When I was younger, so much younger than before, I never needed anybody's help in any way…" In the chorus I could hear some vague strains of singing from the audience and by the end of the song, almost everyone in the room must have been singing. The guys finished on a big loud chord and brought it to a sharp end. I laughed, they laughed and the audience laughed.

I shook my head and grinned wryly as I spoke into the mike, "I guess I'll let them away with it this time. Now as I was about to say…" I introduced the last song and it brought the set to a mellow close. The applause was loud and sounded genuine to me and I thanked the audience as we all waved and walked off stage. When we got into the dressing room I poked Jon in the ribs, "That was your idea wasn't it?"

He laughed, "Actually it was sort of a joint effort, but I'll take the credit for picking a song that I thought you would know."

"Just as well I knew it. We'd have looked pretty foolish if I didn't know it."

Jools came breezing in and interrupted us, "Fantastic guys! You really had the audience with you tonight and guess what, the manager wants you back here again next Friday night."

I laughed, "I suppose you told him that was fine as long as he doubled the fee again."

Jools winked, "You know me too well, that's exactly what I said, and he agreed again."

I shook my head in amusement, "I was joking Jools. You really are the limit."

Jon turned to the rest of the guys, "Looks like I'll have to pick another surprise song for Cara for next week too."

I was about to make a comment when Noel interjected, "Right, I think I promised the lady that drinks were on me if she somehow managed to better herself from last week and without a doubt, she has done so. Come on and follow me one and all."

I was happy enough to go out with them to the bar. I was keen to see if Kate had showed up. We all headed out and Noel got me a Coke as per my request. He asked if I was sure that I didn't want something stronger, and I assured him that Coke was fine. The club was quite full and there was a loud buzz of conversation around the large room. I heard a squeal behind me and I turned to find Kate rocketing towards me. She gave me a big hug and started to heap praise on me effusively, "Cara, that was amazing. You are fantastic. I really enjoyed that immensely."

I laughed, "Kate, steady on, you'll give me an ego problem."

She leant in close and whispered in my ear, "And how you look? Sheesh girl, you aren't exactly making it easy on me. Sure you don't want to reconsider the whole girl-girl thing?" She stepped back and gave a conspiratorial wink.

I laughed out loud and knew I was blushing, "Tempting offer, very tempting." Kate was looking fairly splendid herself. She was wearing a short green dress which complemented her red hair spectacularly. I could see that her long legs were attracting a bit of attention from the guys in the band. We chatted for a few minutes and she told me that she had dragged along a few more of her friends and colleagues from the office. Apparently they loved our show too and were for coming back next week also.

Kate gave me a strange grin, "Well I'd better be going I think." She leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek as she whispered, "If you don't want the girls, you'll have to deal with the guys." She turned, waved and headed back to her friends. I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about until I turned around and found three men sort of lingering behind me.

"Uhh hi," I said brightly.

They smiled and I could feel their eyes on my body. They looked like fairly normal guys though. "Hi Cara, I'm Ron," one of them said. The other two introduced themselves but I couldn't remember their names. They chatted to me about music, our show, and the songs. I sort of got the feeling that I was being chatted up. They weren't pushy or anything so I was happy enough just to talk to them. Ron began to look a little awkward and then he swallowed and said, "Err listen, you wouldn't maybe like want to grab a drink with me sometime?"

I was a little thrown and not quite sure how to respond. I was very relieved when I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and turned to find it was Jon. I smiled at him.

"We'd better be going Cara," he said.

I turned back and smiled apologetically, "Sorry, I have to head on. I'll maybe see you guys again some time." They looked disappointed but smiled and said good bye. Jon kept his hand on my shoulder as he guided me through the crowd back to the dressing room.

"Thanks," I murmured as we headed down the corridor.

"You OK back there?"

"Yes I was fine. I think they were chatting me up though."

He laughed, "You think?" He chuckled to himself, "And there I was thinking they were asking you about the intricacies of the chord progression of 'Not Dancing, But Flying'." He laughed again.

I pouted, "Hey, not fair! I'm sort of new to all this, remember?"

He grinned, "You looked like a seasoned pro tonight."

I looked at him closely, "I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this once."

 

To be continued…

  

  

  

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