No Half Measures

by Jenny Walker

© 2003

 

CHAPTER 11

 

I woke around 8 a.m. on Boxing Day. Weather wise, this day was everything that the previous day wasn't. Clear skies, the hint of sunrise on the eastern horizon and a touch of frost on the ground. I smiled to myself as I pulled on my tracksuit. I wondered if I had really lost my marbles. The thought of going out on a frosty cold winters morning for a run was filling me with eager anticipation? Mad, totally mad. I quietly let myself out the front door and the first lungful of cold air nearly stopped me in my tracks. I limbered up and set off at a gradual pace. I didn't run as hard as I had the previous morning, but that was probably due to a different mental attitude. I felt more at peace. I was still a little uneasy around my parents and the feeling was mutual. Although the conversation the previous evening had been a little more 'normal', I still saw the disapproving looks my father gave me.

On returning and after a lovely hot shower, I padded back to my room with my towel wrapped around me. What to wear? It was the day to face the extended family. Although part of my mind told me to go for understated, the other half was saying 'what the hell show them what you've got'. I sat on the bed for a moment to decide and then shrugged and grinned to myself. I decided on a white stretchy body top, denim skirt, black hose and my knee-length black, leather boots. The skirt wasn't the shortest I owned as it came to just above my knees. I didn't overdo the make up but I made it a little more striking than I had done so far. After brushing my hair and putting on my jewellery, I stood in front of the mirror. I smiled. Definitely sexy, but not slutty. This was me.

Claire was the only one downstairs as I entered the kitchen. She was again still in her dressing gown. She took one look at me and gave a low whistle. I obliged her with a fairly sensuous twirl. "Wow," she said, "Are you sure you want to go with this look today?"

I feigned being hurt, "Why? Do I not look good?"

Claire grinned and raised an eyebrow, "Good in the moral sense or in the hot sense?"

I batted my eyelashes, "Oh the hot sense."

She nodded, "Hot you definitely are. Good? I don't think our parents will think so."

I shrugged nonchalantly, "I know. But hey, this is the way I like to dress. And if the whole family are meeting me today, they may as well meet the real me. I certainly wanted to soften the blow for you and Mum and Dad, but the rest of them? They can take their chances."

Claire looked at me closely, "Uh huh? Well, it's your show. Don't say I didn't warn you. Expect a few requests for outfit amendments from our beloved parents. Believe me I know, I still remember my teenage days and the fights I had with them over what I wanted to wear."

I remembered them too. But that was different, Claire was a child then and I could understand my parents' concern. "Well you could help me out sis," I said.

She looked at me through narrowed eyes, "Uh oh. What do you have in mind?"

I grinned, "Make yourself look just as hot and then they can't complain so much at me. I'll just say that I'm dressing no different from you."

I didn't get the reaction I expected. I had thought that Claire would laugh, banter with me and probably agree. Instead she rolled her eyes, murmured "Sure," and turned away to make herself a cup of coffee.

I walked over to her side, "Hey, what's wrong?"

She looked at me with a rueful grin and shook her head, "You don't get it do you?"

I really didn't get it. "No, what's up?"

She softly replied, "That's just it. I look at you now and there's no way I can make myself look as 'hot' as you. I don't compare. I know you used to be my brother, but next to you now I'm just ordinary. I don't know, maybe you're right, maybe it's because this is the way you were always meant to be…"

I bit my lip. "Claire I'm so sorry, I'm an insensitive idiot. But you're wrong, there's no way you look ordinary next to me."

She gave me that look that would have been a look over her glasses if she wore glasses. It was accompanied with the cynical up twist of one side of her mouth and corresponding cocked eyebrow. It all combined to tell me she thought I should catch myself on. She said as much, "Come on Nicola. Let's not kid ourselves. I know I'm fairly attractive. I don't have a complex about myself or anything, but let's be honest here. You're downright gorgeous and you know it."

I tried to protest but she continued, "I think that's part of why Mum and Dad actually find it so hard. They find it hard to deny what you are saying as you sit in front of them looking like you do. And I'm betting I'm not the first person to tell you this, no?"

I shrugged awkwardly, "I guess."

She smiled, "Look, I'm not going to get too hung up on it so don't you either. OK?"

I grinned "OK, but I've one condition on accepting that."

I got the 'uh-oh' look again. She replied tentatively, "And what is that?"

I smiled, "After breakfast, we're going upstairs and it's time for a makeover party for Claire."

She rolled her eyes but didn't offer too many protests.

 

----------*----------

 

We managed to sneak upstairs into Claire's room just before Mum and Dad surfaced. Claire showered and washed her hair, whilst I checked out her wardrobe to see what we had to work with. When she came back into the room, I sat her down and blow dried her hair for her. I think she enjoyed it and found it relaxing. A bit of hairspray here and there too. I had brought a spare corset of mine in from my room and grinned wickedly as I held it up.

Claire squealed, "You expect me to wear that?"

I smiled, "Sure, I'm totally enhanced and non-natural, why shouldn't you be?"

She laughed and her resistance wavered, "Well OK, as long as it isn't too uncomfortable."

I giggled, "Oh come on Claire, if I've learnt anything about being a woman over these past few weeks, it's that comfort is secondary to beauty."

I slipped the corset around her and began to tighten it. After I got the slack out of it, I paused for a moment. Claire spoke, "I'm glad you're done, it's really quite restrictive isn't it?"

I giggled, "Honey, I haven't even started yet, we're only about to get going." Any protests she was going to lodge were cut off in a sharp gasp as I began to tug hard on the laces. When I was satisfied, I tied it off.

"There you go, what a figure," I complimented.

"I can hardly breathe," she complained.

"Look in the mirror at your waist and your bust," I instructed.

She did so and her complaints began to settle. She turned from one side to the next, "Damn. Look at me." She cupped her hands under her breasts, "Wow, look at what I've got. But heck, I can hardly breathe."

I shrugged, "You'll get used to it sister darling."

I had picked out a knee-length little black dress that Claire had brought with her and some matching pantyhose. Claire got dressed and then I sat her down and began to do her make up for her. Claire had tried to protest that she had been a woman for a lot longer than I had and knew how to do her own make up. I ignored her protests. When I was finished, I stepped back and was really quite pleased with my efforts.

Claire looked in the mirror, "Hey!"

"What?"

"Has the world gone crazy or something?"

"Huh?" I replied intelligently.

"First my erstwhile brother shows up as a hot babe and then 'she' proceeds to do my make up better than I can? How come?"

I laughed, "I had a good teacher. Remember Beth is a top beautician and for the last month, I've spent hours each day looking at fashions, make up, beauty techniques." I shrugged, "A good teacher, that's all."

She smiled and stood up to take in her full appearance in the mirror. I stood beside her and we looked at ourselves. Claire smiled, "We both look pretty good don't we?"

I nodded and grinned, "We certainly do."

Claire pursed her lips, "They're gonna flip when they see us aren't they?"

I nodded seriously, "Yep, they are."

 

----------*----------

 

When we went downstairs, my mother looked at us and did a double take. "Oh err morning girls," she looked at us closer, "don't you think are you just well, dressed a little too…"

Claire stifled a giggle, "A little too?"

My mother folded her arms, "You know what I mean. You're both dressed quite provocatively."

Claire and I looked at each other and then smiled at our mother. I feigned a little pout, "But Mum, we think we look nice. We wanted to get dressed up for the party."

My mother sighed and spread her hands, "Fine, fine. I can see I'm not going to get anywhere with you two. Well if you're not too busy preening and complimenting yourselves, there's plenty of work to be done in the kitchen."

The rest of the morning was duly spent helping out in the kitchen. Mum was cooking a large meat roast for lunch and there was lots of preparation to be done. I spent most of my time peeling potatoes as Claire prepared the vegetables. My father had been out for a walk down to the nearby newsagents to get the morning paper. He came back into the kitchen and nodded to us all and then, like my mother, took another look at us. He paused and then quietly said, "Nic-ola, can I have a word with you in the living room?"

I shared a quick knowing look with Claire, dried my hands and then followed my father into the living room. I felt like the proverbial little boy who had been sent to see the school headmaster. He sat down and indicated for me to do likewise. I was very careful to smooth my skirt down properly as I sat. I tried to smile at my father.

He sighed, "Right, you are going to live as a woman, that's your choice. But you are still my child, and I will still give you advice. You are an adult and what you do with my advice is up to you. Is that fair enough?" I nodded and he continued, "I can't tell you what way to dress and I can see that modesty is not one of your highest priorities."

I found my voice, "Dad! That's not fair. Tell me exactly what is wrong with the way I look and the way I am dressed. My skirt is just above my knees, hardly too short. I'm not exposing any excess bared flesh or anything."

He paused and looked like he was searching for the right words, "I know what you are saying, but well, it's just that…well I think you are dressed and looking a bit too…sexy." His nose wrinkled in distaste at having to actually say the word.

I raised my hand to my mouth to hide the smile which I knew would not be well received. I composed myself, "Dad, I hear what you are saying. But I like dressing and looking like this. It feels really nice. I enjoy being attractive. Heck I've never really experienced it in my life so far."

I could see my father was having difficulties swallowing all this. He nodded, "Well OK, but have you spared a thought for the consequences of your actions?"

I was puzzled, "What do you mean?"

"Have you thought about the effect you will have on men? The way you look will have a certain effect on them you know."

I nodded, "I know." I shrugged, "I haven't given it much thought really, but I'll be careful."

He nodded slowly. I could see that he wanted to say something more but was having difficulty starting. Suddenly I knew what it was he wanted to ask. "Just ask me Dad," I said softly.

He looked up at me and after another brief pause nodded, "Alright. I hate to ask, but…are you gay?"

This was almost the question I was expecting, but I didn't expect it to be phrased just like this. I didn't exactly know how to answer the question as he had put it. "Umm Dad, gay as in what way? Do you mean girl-girl or boy-boy?"

He looked uncomfortable even discussing such things. My father was very conservative in his outlook, "I mean 'boy-boy' as you put it."

I sighed, "Dad, for one thing, I'm not exactly a boy any more. What you are asking is am I attracted to men, yes?" He sort of grunted and nodded. I took a deep breath, and with honesty replied, "I don't know. This really isn't a central issue to what I'm doing. I don't know how I feel. I can't really say much more than that. Would you be more comfortable if I was still attracted to women given the way I look now?"

He shook his head, "Nicola! I don't know what to think. I mean my son comes home and announces he's now a woman. It's all a bit much. I can't get to grips with it all. I just hope you think it through and work out the ramifications of what you are doing."

"I'm trying to Dad, I really am."

He didn't know what to say, "Well, go on then – go back and help your mother and sister."

I was never so glad to go and peel potatoes as I was then.

 

----------*----------

 

Uncle George was the first to arrive. We heard him before we saw him. Or rather, we heard the roar of his Mercedes as he pulled into the driveway. He came in with his usual bluster, "Esther, my delightful sister, how are you?" He kissed her on the cheek and then shook Dad's hand vigorously, "Bill, great to see you, hope you're having a happy Christmas?" My Dad offered some non-committal platitude in response. Uncle George was the youngest sibling on Mum's side, being in his mid forties. He was I guess what you could call a smoothie. He was wearing a silk shirt, matching neck-tie and tailored slacks. He gave Mum his coat and then turned to us, "Ah Claire how's my favourite niece?" He cocked his head, "You're looking quite lovely today." He gave Claire a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He turned to me and obviously not recognising me, turned back to Claire, "And who is your lovely friend?"

Claire tried to keep a straight face, "Oh this isn't my friend, Uncle George meet my new sister, Nicola."

He looked puzzled for a moment but then the penny dropped, "Nicola? As in…Nick? Huh? What's going on here?" He looked a little flustered but quickly regained his composure, "Erm, no-one told me this party was fancy dress."

I smiled, "Uncle George, it's not fancy dress. I've sort of had a bit of a lifestyle change."

Uncle George always prided himself on being one of the more progressive members of our family. Dad called it liberal. "Ah, ok Nicola. Well whatever tickles your fancy." He looked closely at me again, "Well I have to say, no matter how strange this seems it does seem to suit you. I guess I have another niece." He gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek too. He turned around and clapped his hands, "Now, how about a drink for George after that long journey? Bill, I don't suppose you've got a good bottle of wine in the house? No? Ah well, just as well I brought one along myself." And he headed into the kitchen in search of a glass. That was Uncle George. He was irrepressible and as much as my parents might try to disapprove, it was impossible to dislike him. They rolled their eyes, Claire and I just chuckled.

Aunt Olivia, Dad's sister and her husband, Uncle Edward, arrived next. There were the usual greetings with my parents and then to Uncle George. They greeted Claire and as before, when attention was focussed on me, it was apparent that they didn't recognise me. "Hello dear, who are you?" asked Aunt Olivia. Uncle George didn't want to miss out on the moment, "Oh Olivia, hadn't you heard? Nick has become a Nicola." He casually sipped his wine. My aunt's eyes widened and she took a closer look at me, "Well I never." She raised a hand to her throat and looked as if she didn't know what to say.

"Huh, what was that?" asked Uncle Edward who had been talking to Dad. Olivia turned to her husband and pointed at me, "Apparently that is our nephew Nick."

"Was," I said.

"Pardon?" my aunt replied.

"Was," I repeated, "'That' was your nephew Nick. 'I' am now your niece Nicola." I was a bit peeved at being talked about as an object in the third person. I stood up, smoothed my skirt and walked over to my aunt and gave her a hug, "Nice to see you Aunt Olivia," and then walked over to Uncle Edward and stood on my tip-toes to give him a light kiss on the cheek, "Hello Uncle Edward." I turned and walked back to my seat. Aunt Olivia was frozen to the spot and Uncle Edward held his cheek where I had kissed him as if he had been slapped. He then sort of spluttered, "Bill, what on earth is going on here, is this some sort of joke?"

My father was leaning against the far wall and didn't look too thrilled at being brought into this. He shrugged and shifted awkwardly, "If it's a joke, none of us are laughing Edward. It is as you have heard."

Aunt Olivia looked at me intently, "What's got into you Nick? Why on earth are you doing this? Are you gay?" Aunt Olivia was one of those well-meaning tactless people. She didn't set out to be demeaning, she wasn't malicious, she just didn't put too much thought into what she said.

I sighed, "One – nothing has got into me, this is my choice. Two - I am doing this because I want to. Three – gay or otherwise has nothing to do with this and quite frankly if I were, again that would be my choice." I was getting a bit irked and I think my mother sensed this.

"Nicola, come and give me a hand in the kitchen for a moment please," she asked softly. I knew what she was doing and I wasn't too pleased. I wanted to stay and stand up for myself, but I knew better than to argue with her. As I was leaving the room, I heard Aunt Olivia chide my father, "You let Esther call him Nicola, haven't you tried to talk some sense into him Bill?" I bristled but continued into the kitchen aided by the gentle pressure of my mother's hand on my back.

She closed the door behind her and I blew off steam, "Who does she think she is? What gives her the right to talk to me like that?"

My mother held up a hand, "Darling, what did you expect. You know them. How did you think they would react?"

I shrugged and calmed down. "I guess you're right. I'm just a little on edge."

"I'm not getting at you, but remember you are the one who has sparked this off. You know that your father and I don't approve, you can't expect others to either. But I suggest that you try to avoid making things worse than they already are. Be civil, courteous and modest."

I nodded, "You're right again." I groaned, "How do you get to be so wise Mum?"

She couldn't resist the opportunity, "By listening to what your parents tell you."

"Touché," I murmured with a wry grin.

 

----------*----------

 

We both slipped back into the room as the last of the guests were arriving. Dad was taking the coats from Aunt Vera, Mum's older sister, Uncle Keith and Phil and Dawn my cousins. There was a lot of hand-shaking, greetings, hugs and the like. I hung back near the kitchen door suddenly feeling very self-conscious. My earlier bravado had deserted me and I cast a longing look towards the hall door and thought about making a dash for my bedroom. I think my mother noticed and gently squeezed my arm, before whispering in my ear, "Don't even think about it, you've got to go through with it now."

Inevitably, the round of greetings from the new arrivals shifted its focus to my mother and me. I swallowed and decided to make a pre-emptive strike. "Uncle Keith, Aunt Vera, Phil, Dawn," already their faces looked puzzled at the way this apparent stranger was addressing them, "I know this must be quite strange, but as you can see, I've been going through some changes in my life. I'm Nick, or rather I used to be." I shrugged, "I'm Nicola now."

"Shit!" was the subconscious response from my cousin Phil. Aunt Vera suspended her own disbelief for a moment to remonstrate with him, "Phillip, watch your language." I don't think he even heard her, his eyes were glued to me. Uncle Keith looked quite disturbed and Aunt Vera shook her head as if she didn't believe it. Dawn had a little smile on her face as she took in my appearance.

I forced a smile, "Yes it's me, honest." They continued to stare, "Umm, I think I'm going to melt if your eyes burn into me any longer." I just wanted to fade into the background. Eventually they got the message and tried not to stare any further. Well except Phil who had gone quite pale. "Phillip, stop staring," hissed Uncle Keith.

My mother cleared her throat, "If you all want to make your way into the dining room, we're ready to serve dinner. Maybe Olivia and Vera could help me?"

As we headed to the dining room, Dawn fell in beside me. She smiled, "Nicola? Is that right?"

I grinned, "Yes, afraid so."

"Oh my god, you look amazing," she whispered.

I smiled, "I'm glad someone thinks so."

"No seriously, you look beautiful. I don't know how I never saw this before, you are a natural. I can see why you've done this."

"You can?"

"Yes, this is so obviously you. I mean you were always a bit of a weed before."

"Hey Dawn!"

"Sorry, but you know I'm right."

I laughed, "I guess so." We sat down together and Claire sat down on my other side. I flashed her a 'thank-you' smile.

"When did this all happen?" asked Dawn.

I began to tell her the brief version of my transformation to date. I paused whilst my father gave thanks for the food. Mum and my aunts dished out the dinner and after a while, the stilted conversation turned into a buzz. I had no doubt that I was the topic of a few of the little chats going on around the table. I also noticed that Phil was sitting at the far side not talking to anyone. I caught his eye and smiled but he looked away quickly. I wasn't sure how to take this. Phil and I had always been really close and I had been looking forward to catching up with him. But I turned my attention back to Dawn and was so grateful to have a friendly non-confrontational almost normal conversation.

The dinner was good and I sensed that people were beginning to relax. Particularly Uncle George who was single-handedly working his way through his bottle of wine. I caught his eye and he winked at me and raised his glass to me. I smiled back at him. After dessert was finished, my mother decreed that Claire, Dawn and I should clear up and sort out the dishes. I didn't mind, but Claire and Dawn groaned. Once we were alone in the kitchen, Dawn hugged me. "What was that for?" I asked with surprise.

She shrugged, "I just guessed you could do with a hug. You looked a little down on it, when we arrived. I imagine you haven't found things easy with your parents let alone with all this crew here today."

I smiled, "Thanks. You're right. Everyone hasn't really been what you would call supportive. Well, Claire's been a good help."

"Hey now, don't drag me into this any further," Claire said, "I'm trying to appear as the good child." She winked, "I've my eye on a bigger share of the inheritance now."

I squealed and threw some soap suds at her and the beginnings of an all out war were nipped in the bud by Mum bringing some more dishes in to us, "Girls, behave now." She left again.

Dawn regarded me thoughtfully, "Your Mum seems to have accepted things."

I shrugged, "Not really. It's more reluctant resignation. And believe me, it took a lot to even get to that stage."

We chatted amiably as we cleared up and eventually after seeming like we had washed every dish in the street, let alone our house, we were done. I wasn't overly keen on going back in to face everyone, but I knew I had a few things to tell them. Predictably, as soon as we entered the room, the conversation hushed. I decided to take my opportunity.

"While everyone is here and I have your attention, I want to talk to you for a few moments." I certainly had their full attention. "I know that seeing me like this must be quite a shock to you all, but I want you to know that my decision to take this step is reasoned and well considered. I know that most of you probably don't approve and think I'm some sort of weirdo or pervert…"

"Nicola," my mother chided, "please."

I apologised, "Sorry Mum. But you know what I mean. Anyway, I do have something to tell you and a request to make of all of you." I paused, they were still with me, "I've managed to land a recording deal with Sony records and will be recording an album in the next few months. Now you can all save your praise and congratulations for later as I've more to say." I couldn't help the irony and saw Claire and Dawn grinning at me, "Yes, this deal is as my new self. My sort of stage name if you could call it that will be Cara Malone. That is the name I will be recording and performing under. Now this is where it gets tricky. Outside of this room, there are three other people in the world who know who Cara Malone really used to be." I paused and let this sink in. "So if you follow me, I am not planning on advertising Cara or Nicola's origins. This is in no way a reflection of me being ashamed of what I am doing, but it is simply the reality of pursuing my career." I took a breath, "Now I am asking you, I can only ask, that you respect my wishes and don't tell anyone about this. I can't make you or force you. I know you may not agree with what I am doing, but I am simply asking that you give me a chance to live this life my way." I looked around the room and met each person's gaze. Phil looked away again. I was finished speaking. There was silence for a few moments and then Dawn sat up and spoke.

"You can count on me, I'll not say a word," she stated. She looked around at the others as if trying to incite a response. She nodded at her father.

Uncle Keith grimaced, "I'm not planning on saying anything either, sure we won't Vera?" She nodded sharply.

Aunt Olivia spoke up, "I'm certainly not planning on telling anyone at all. But more out of consideration for Bill and Esther's reputation."

I forced myself to smile sweetly, "Thank you Aunt Olivia."

Uncle George snorted and chuckled, "What I want to know is, can I buy shares in your record company before you make it big?"

I sat down and slowly the conversation started up again in little groups around the room. After a short while, I decided to go and speak to Phil. He was sitting by himself in the corner of the room. I went over and sat beside him and simply said, "Hi."

"Uhh hi," he said shifting a little uncomfortably.

"Phil, are you OK? I mean I get the feeling you're avoiding me."

He shrugged, "I dunno. It's just that this is like weird. The way you look and all."

I nodded, "You think I look bad?"

He gave a mirthless chuckle, "Yeah that's the problem, you look bad." He shook his head, "That's not it at all. You don't look bad. That's just it."

I was lost now, "I don't follow you Phil."

He sighed, "Look I was coming here looking forward to catching up with my old cousin Nick, and here you are…looking like…this."

I nodded, "It's OK Phil. I shouldn't expect people to accept me easily. But I did sort of hope you wouldn't react like the others."

He looked at me sharply, "Hey, don't lump me with the rest of them. You've got it wrong. What you do is up to you and that's fine. None of my business. I really hope things work out for you and you make it big."

I was quite mixed up now, "Thanks."

He continued, "Look, the problem is with me, not you." He turned round to face me, "When I arrived, I came into the room and looked around. I didn't know who you were but I was wondering who the babe in the corner was." He shrugged, "And then I found out it was you."

Now I understood, "Oh."

"Yes. Oh," he replied, "and when I look at you still, I can't believe it's really my cousin Nick."

I nodded, "Well believe it's really your cousin Nicola." I held out my hand, "Hi Phil, I'm your cousin Nicola."

He looked at my hand for a moment and then shook his head and grinned to himself, "You're something else you know." He took my hand and shook it. "This doesn't mean I don't still feel weird about this though, OK?"

I chuckled, "Fine by me." We chatted a bit. Mainly I got him to tell me what he had been up to, because I didn't want to freak him out more by talking about my recent happenings.

 

----------*----------

 

When they all eventually left, I felt totally drained. As I looked at my parents, they looked much the same as I felt. My mother sighed, "I think I'll go to bed." She stood and then winced and raised her hand to her chest.

"What's wrong?" Claire asked with concern.

My mother shook her head, "Nothing. Just a bit of heartburn. Too much rich eating and a bit of stress I imagine. Nothing a good night's sleep won't cure."

We all headed upstairs and when I got into my room, I found I had received a text message on my mobile. It was from Jools. It was short and to the point: "U cow! I'm dying 2 hear how u r. Phone asap." I grinned and keyed in her mobile number.

"Hello?"

"Hi Jools."

"Cara!" she gasped, "About bloody time. I've been thinking you would phone me for over a day now."

"Yeah, sorry. I've been sort of occupied."

"Well?"

I grinned, "Well what?"

"Oh," she exclaimed with frustration, "Don't leave me hanging, tell me all about it."

I told her about all that had happened since I had left. We must have been talking for almost an hour and I only realised the time when my mobile phone battery bleeped as it was getting low. I finished up with Jools and promised to keep in touch over the rest of the holiday period.

 

----------*----------

 

The next morning Mum had decided it was time to revisit the local supermarket to replenish our depleted food stocks. She asked Claire and I to come along and help. Claire reluctantly agreed. I couldn't bring myself to go and look at more food after the previous two days of heavy eating. Plus I had something I needed to talk to my father about. He was sitting in the living room reading his morning paper. I brought in two cups of coffee and offered him one.

"Erm thanks…Nic-ola."

I smiled and sat down opposite him and fidgeted a bit. He noticed. He set his paper down slowly and regarded me. "Alright, what is it?"

I absentmindedly brushed my hair back from my face, "Well Dad, I sort of need some advice." I paused.

"Go on," he urged.

"Well. It's sort of delicate. But I was thinking with you being a solicitor and all, you would know the legal side of things."

He took a sip of his coffee, "Come on, just ask me what you want. Dancing around it isn't likely to make it more palatable is it?"

I nodded and swallowed, "OK. I was wondering, how do I go about changing my name?"

He paused with his cup halfway to his mouth and slowly set it down on the arm of his chair. "Changing your name." He took a long, slow breath. "You want to legally change your name to Nicola."

I nodded. "Look Dad, I know how hard this must be for you to take. I know it seems like I'm shunning the name you and Mum gave me, but surely you understand that with where my life is going, I have to have a proper name that matches who I am. I need legal things like ID, driver's licence and a passport and all."

He sat there for a moment and then sighed and sat up. "Right. A person can legally change their name by deed poll. This is a legal document that you draw up with a solicitor and sign. It is a declaration that you are forgoing your previous name and are going to use whatever new name you specify."

I nodded, "Where does this deed poll go?"

He shrugged, "It doesn't have to go anywhere. You can submit it to the Enrolment Books of the Central Office of the Supreme Court of Deeds and a public record of your name change will be published in the London Gazette."

I screwed up my nose, "But then, how do I go about changing the likes of my driving licence and so on?"

"You need to submit your deed poll with your licence application and they will issue one in your new name."

I grimaced, "I guess the licensing authority will keep a record of that."

He nodded, "I imagine they would."

I pondered this for a few moments, "Is it possible to get your birth certificate changed?"

He considered this for a few moments and after a little hesitation answered, "No. In England and Wales you can only in the normal course of the law apply to change a child's birth certificate and only under certain circumstances."

I knew my father well and I had spotted something in the nuance of his reply. "Dad, why did you hesitate and what did you mean by 'the normal course of the law'?"

He sat there thinking for a few moments. He didn't answer my question. "Let me see if I understand you. You want to change your name and all appropriate documents. You don't want there to be any record of this. You want a new birth certificate. You don't want there to be any evidence of your change. As if Nicholas Evans never existed."

I winced at the last comment, but he was right. "Yes I guess that's about it."

He nodded slowly, and enigmatically replied, "We'll talk more about this tomorrow."

I tried to press him for an answer, but he wouldn't be drawn on it. I knew where I got my stubborn determination from.

 

----------*----------

 

After breakfast the next day that my father stood up and simply said, "Come on Nicola. Get your coat, we are going out." I didn't know where we were going, but I figured it probably had something to do with what we talked about the previous day, so I didn't ask. Mum and Claire were obviously curious. "Where are you two going?" Mum asked.

"Business to take care of," my father said in a tone which indicated that he wasn't intending to elaborate. I followed him out into the hall.

"Err Dad, I don't know where we are going, but am I dressed OK?" I was wearing my black velvet top and burgundy trousers.

He shrugged, "Not quite my choice for you if you know what I mean. But it will do fine."

"Sure know how to make a girl feel good," I murmured.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, let's go." I grabbed my black jacket.

We drove to the local newsagents where there was one of those little photo booths. My father told me to sit inside and make myself presentable for a photo.

"Why?" I asked.

"Just do it, you'll see in good time." He put the money in. I shrugged, pulled the little curtain over the doorway of the booth and got ready for the photos. I tried to relax and give a natural smile. Four quick flashes and 3 minutes of waiting later, and the strip of photos came rolling out of the slot in the side of the booth. I looked at them with interest having never seen a photo of myself as Nicola/Cara before. It wasn't too bad. These sorts of photos always looked a little unnatural though. We got back in the car and were driving in the general direction of Cardiff city centre.

"Can I ask where we are going Dad?"

He continued to look straight ahead at the road, but then after a few moments replied, "We're going to see a friend of mine who might be able to help you."

I was immediately suspicious and concerned. "What sort of friend? What is this about? I hope you're not trying to persuade me out of what I'm doing again."

I think he sensed my panic, "Relax. I'm doing this probably against my better judgement, but this is to help you do what you want to do."

"Where are we going then?" I repeated.

He sighed and rolled his eyes, "We are going to the law courts."

I wasn't too reassured by his answer, but I forced myself to sit at peace and decided to hold my tongue and see what came of this. Before long, we turned onto Fitzalan Place, and drove past the courthouse. My father turned into Knox Road and found a parking place. We got out and began walking back to the courthouse.

"Dad, the place looked pretty closed to me."

"It is."

"So we're going there because?"

"There's a friend of mine there who is expecting us."

We walked up to a side door and Dad pressed the buzzer. A metallic voice spoke from the speaker, "Yes?"

"William Evans. Justice Dempsey is expecting me."

A pause. And then the door buzzed and unlocked. Dad pushed it open and I followed him in. A security guard was inside and he nodded to my father, "Mr. Evans, he's in his office." The guard looked at me for longer than was necessary and I was aware of his eyes travelling up and down my form. I resisted the urge to shiver and followed close behind my father.

My father murmured, "Ignorant grunt."

"I beg your pardon?" I whispered.

"I saw the way he was looking at you, I've a good mind to go back and give him what for."

"Dad, please don't"

"I won't, but he better behave better when we are leaving."

We went up two flights of stairs and along a wood-panelled corridor until we came to a door with a brass nameplate on it declaring that this was the office of the Justice Dempsey we were apparently coming to see. My father knocked and a gruff voice called out, "Come in." We went in. The office was spacious and carpeted with a plush red pile. An old undoubtedly antique mahogany desk was set in front of the windows and a balding man with glasses in smart casual clothes was sitting behind it. When we entered, he stood up and greeted my father without smiling, "Bill, I'd say it was good to see you, but you better have a damn good reason for dragging me in here on my holidays."

"Richard, you know I wouldn't do it if it wasn't important," my father replied.

Justice Dempsey noticed me. "Who's this?" he asked brusquely, "Your daughter?"

My father gave a thin-lipped smile and didn't quite answer his question, "This is the reason why I am coming to you today."

"Hmm. Well have a seat. Daughter got into trouble or something and you need help?"

We sat down. I was quite intimidated and was happy to let my father do the talking. "Something like that," he replied, "Except this isn't my daughter…it's my son."

"What the hell?" spluttered Justice Dempsey. He looked at me closely, and then fixed my father in his gaze, "Is this some sort of joke which I'm not getting and not finding funny? I may be near retirement, but my mind and eyesight are still sharp enough to tell me that this young woman looks nothing like anything that could be called your son."

My father hesitated and I decided to speak for the first time. I wasn't sure what my father was doing, but decided to trust him. "Thank you sir," I said softly, "but what he has told you is true. I used to be his son."

He looked at me and blinked several times. He rubbed his forehead and then set his palms on his desk and faced my father again. In a softer tone he continued, "Alright Bill. What's going on and why are you here?"

My father nodded, "This is…or was my son Nick. He…I mean she…is adamant that he… she is going to live as a woman. Understandably I have tried to talk some sense and make hi..her see sense. To no avail."

"Damn!" Dempsey sympathised with my father.

"I know," my father agreed, "But the upshot is, she is as stubborn as her father and refuses to see reason." I felt my blood beginning to boil and it was all I could do to sit there and keep silent. But something told me that an outburst here was not going to be helpful no matter what was going on. My father continued, "As you can understand, this has the potential to cause our family and myself professionally a large degree of embarrassment."

Justice Dempsey interjected, "And you want me to put her away for good?"

My eyes boggled and when he saw my expression, he laughed heartily, "Had you worried there young woman….man….whatever." He waved a hand at my father, "Go on Bill."

"Well. 'Nick' wants to become 'Nicola'. Obviously a deed poll and change of major identification documents will leave a paper trail. And the birth certificate will still state the male identity."

Dempsey narrowed his eyes, "You realise Bill that under law, there is no legal provision for alteration of birth certificates."

My father sighed, "Come on Richard, how long have we known each other? Thirty years? Don't treat me like an apprentice. You know I know the law. And you also know that I know the provisions under the Ministry of Defence Protection Act of 1993."

Justice Dempsey paused and took a deep breath. He removed his glasses. "Bill, are you asking what I think you are asking?"

My father looked him straight in the eye, "Yes Richard. I need your help. You know it can be done. You can do it."

"Yes but should I do it?"

"Why not? What I am asking is not for you to do anything illegal, you know I wouldn't do that. It is well within your purview and discretion to make judgements on such matters as these."

I really was having a hard time following the discussion. I had a vague inkling as to what was going on, but wasn't really sure. We all sat in silence for a few moments as Dempsey cleaned his glasses with a cloth. He sighed and put his glasses on again, "You did help me out with Brian that time."

My father raised a hand, "Richard, I'm not here to bargain or put you under pressure. I'm not coming saying this is quid pro quo. I'm making a request. The decision is yours."

He nodded, "I appreciate that. And it's not as if you are going to make this a regular habit. Alright Bill. I'll do it." He looked me, "Young…lady…I guess I'll have to address you as that. Young lady, what do you wish your name to be?"

I cleared my throat, "Err, Nicola Jane Evans."

He nodded and wrote this down, "And what was your full name?"

"Nicholas James Evans."

"And what is your National Insurance number and date of birth and place of birth?"

I bit my lip but them remembered something. I fished in my handbag, pulled out my purse and found the card, "FN 75 45 36 C, my date of birth is 17 September 1979 and I was born in Pembroke."

He wrote this down and nodded. "Now 'Nicola', do you have your driving licence with you? I need it please. And I presume you have some photographs of your…new self?"

I looked at my father with puzzlement, but he nodded. I pulled out Nick's driving licence from my bag and gave it to him along with the strip of photos. He set them down with the piece of paper he had been taking notes on. "OK. Bill, I'll process this through the usual channels. Now today's Friday, I imagine it will be Tuesday before the documents will be ready. Deliver to your house?" My father nodded.

Dempsey grinned, "Now how about you get the hell out of here so I can get out of here soon and get back to my holidays?"

My father stood and I did likewise. The two men shook hands, "Richard, thank you so much."

"Well, I guess things are hard enough for you with what's going on. I'd be gutted if one of my boys starting pansying about like this…"

My father shrugged, "Well, got to roll with the punches."

Once we were outside the door my patience broke. "How could you let him talk about me like that and what was that all about the embarrassment to you and the family? Is that what you think of me? And I thought you were trying to help me and all you are doing is thinking of covering your own backside!" I stormed off down the empty corridor and bit my lip hard to try to prevent the tears from welling up.

"Nicola, wait!" my father called. I walked on. I heard him running from behind. He put a hand on my shoulder, "Would you stop and listen for heavens sake." I stopped, but didn't turn around.

"Don't you realise what just took place in there?" he asked.

I slowly turned round, "I'm not sure."

He sighed, "I've just stepped outside the bounds of professionalism to help you. Way against my better judgement. I told you there was no way to get a birth certificate changed through standard channels…"

Just then, a door opened and a man walked into the corridor heading towards us. My father took my arm, and whispered, "Come on, let's go and we can talk in the car." We headed down the stairs and back to the door we had entered by. The same guard was there and he gave a little smile when he saw us coming. His eyes were all over me again. My father paused and in a low voice growled, "Take your eyes off my daughter." The young man gulped and stuttered, "S-sorry sir." He pressed the release for the door and we headed out.

When we got into the car we sat there. My father turned to me, "I'm sorry for the things I said in there. I didn't mean them, but it was the only way to do it. I had to convince Richard to help us for my sake. He would have no compulsion to help you unless he thought he was helping me." He paused and took a deep breath, "I don't agree with what you are doing, but I want you to know I am not ashamed of a child of mine. This was for your benefit."

I looked at him with uncertainty, "What did happen in there then Dad?"

"There are certain times when people need a change of identity. This is required discreetly and without any public record. There is provision for specified members of the bench to grant such a change if the case presented to them merits it. Richard Dempsey happens to be one of those. He also happens to be an old colleague and friend of mine."

"How do you know about this Dad?"

He paused, "That's not something we need to discuss."

"So what happens now?"

"You will be issued with a new birth certificate, driving licence, passport and National Insurance number card. Your records will be changed on the Driver Licensing central records and with the records of the passport agency and inland revenue."

My mouth dropped open, "They can do that?"

My father looked at me sternly, "You do not tell anyone about this. You do not talk about this. You do not tell your mother or your sister. Do you understand?"

I nodded. I was flabbergasted. He went on, "I am doing this for you to protect you, but there are some things that cannot be changed by this process."

"Umm what like?"

"As wide ranging as the powers of this act might seem, they cannot change for example your school records. But that is hardly necessary I would think. What you will have should be sufficient."

I pondered, "Maybe. Maybe not."

He looked closely at me, "What are you thinking?"

"Umm nothing really. Thanks Dad. I really appreciate what you have done. Sorry for going off at you."

He shrugged, "Richard's a right wing jerk." I laughed. I'd rarely heard my father talk like that and for him to say that was quite something. He started the car and we drove home. My father again immediately deflected the barrage of questions from my Mum and Claire and said that we had gone for a drive and talked. When Claire tried to pump me for information later, I refused to go into details. She seemed hurt, but she would survive.

 

----------*----------

 

CHAPTER 12

 

On Saturday, Claire and I decided to go into the city centre for some sales shopping and we spent an enjoyable day and a fairly obscene amount of money on clothes, cosmetics and jewellery. I think we were bad for each other as we encouraged each other on. Claire had remarked that she had never had as much fun sales shopping before and could begin to see some advantages of having a sister. On Saturday night, she headed back to Bristol as she was meeting up with some friends the next day and had to go back to work on Monday. She promised to return for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. We hugged tightly before she left and I thanked her for all her support.

Although there wasn't any compelling reason for me to stay on with my parents and although it might have been easier to take my opportunity to go back to London, I decided that it was best to stay. The more time I spent with them, the better they would adjust to what I was doing. Or so I hoped. Sometimes it seemed like we were making progress and that I was being accepted. But other times I would get disapproving looks and little disappointed comments. What could I expect though?

On Sunday I went to church again with my parents and enjoyed the simple service. We had a pleasant lunch together and as it was a clear sunny day, we all went for a walk in the afternoon. Being at home was not easy, yet I was enjoying spending a prolonged period of time with my folks. I think above all, I felt relief that they now knew all that was going on. Almost all. The cold fear and dread that I had had over the previous month when thinking about my parents was gone. I was thankful for that. We had been an open family as we grew up and hadn't liked keeping my changes from them.

Dad went back to work on Monday and my mother was meeting up with some friends of hers. Being at a bit of a loss for things to do, I decided to go to the local gym for a workout. When I arrived, I suddenly had a panic about the changing rooms but was relieved to find out that the female changing area had private cubicles where I could change into my leotard without exposing myself. I enjoyed a good workout. I also noticed that I was receiving a fair share of glances from a young man. I tried not to let on that I knew he was watching me. I was flattered by the attention, but I knew I had to be more careful. When I was heading out of the gym, he came over and tried to make small talk. Part of me felt I should be polite and talk, but I was fast learning that politeness is often taken as meaning a lot more with some men. So I gently, but firmly excused myself. I didn't shower at the gym for obvious reasons and headed back to the house for that. With the house to myself for the afternoon, I enjoyed a relaxing few hours playing on my old friend the piano.

Phil phoned the next morning a little to my surprise. "Hi Nicola?"

"Yes?"

"Phil here."

"Phil?"

"Yes you know your cousin. You introduced yourself to me on Boxing Day, remember?"

I laughed, "How are you Phil?"

"I'm fine. Listen I wanted to apologise for being a prat the other day. Can I make it up to you?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"Dawn and I and two of my friends were going to head out for a bit of New Year's Eve entertainment and wondered if you and Claire would like to head up to join us?"

"Where are you going?"

"We were going to head to Diva's in the Student's Union." This was in Swansea, where Phil's family lived.

I groaned, "Seriously?"

He laughed, "Come on, it's about the only lively place in this town and they have a good entertainment programme planned."

"Well, I guess I don't have any better offers." Then something struck me, "You said two of your friends, you, Dawn, Claire and me?"

"Ye-es," he said, "Why?"

"Sounds like a nice even number to me. Let me guess, one of your friends wouldn't happen to be Owen, Dawn's boyfriend."

A slight pause, "Well yes. How do you know about Owen?"

I laughed, "Oh you know, girl talk on Boxing Day. So is this a triple date cous? If so, which of your cousins are you planning to be incestuous with?"

He laughed, "Hey, it's not illegal for cousins you know."

I smiled, "Maybe not but my question stands: are you planning to partner Claire or me? Or are you going to lump me with your friend?"

"Nicola, it's just a fun night out, nothing serious. If you don't want to come, that's fine."

"OK sorry. I'm only teasing. What time and where? I'll talk to Claire and see what she says."

"Meet at our house about 8pm?" he suggested.

"I'll let you know."

I phoned Claire during her lunch hour and she was all for it although she groaned at having to drive all the way up from Bristol and then on to Swansea. She said that she would phone Phil back and confirm that we were coming. I warned her to get here in good time as we had to make ourselves presentable.

It was late afternoon when I started to think of heading to the bathroom to get ready. I figured I should take a head start so that the bathroom was free when Claire arrived. Just before I went upstairs, the doorbell rang. My mother answered the door and called me, "Nicola, it's someone with something for you."

I was intrigued and went to the door to find a leather-clad motorcyclist courier there with a sealed package for me. It was labelled 'Private and Confidential'. I was initially puzzled and then I suddenly realised what it probably was. I signed for it and thanked the courier. My mother was curious and I knew she wanted to know what was in the package. But I remembered my father's warnings and I shrugged and said I would open it later. Yes about thirty seconds later once I was in the privacy of my own room.

I ripped open the package and laid the contents on my bed. I was really quite amazed. I had a brand new passport in the name of Nicola Jane Evans with one of my new photos in it. Similarly for my driving licence. What was even more impressive was that the driving licence had the same issue date as my previous one and looked a little battered and used. However the birth certificate capped it all. It really looked like a certificate that was 23 years old. The paper was a little faded and frayed at the edges. I shook my head as I handled these documents. The amount of work and effort that must be required to produce these was staggering. I felt elated – it was like a confirmation of new identity. I slipped the birth certificate into an envelope with my passport and stored them in a zip pocket of my suitcase. The driving licence and my new National Insurance card, I placed in my purse.

 

----------*----------

 

By the time Claire arrived home at 6:30, I was bathed, legs shaved, hair washed, dried and styled, and sitting in my room in a bathrobe wondering what to wear. Claire burst in, "Heya sis. Ready to party tonight?"

I laughed, "Don't make me nervous. I'm not much of a party animal you know."

She waved a hand at me, "That was the old you, I've great hopes for the new you. I'm going to hit the shower and wash my hair." She went to leave but then turned back, "And I know exactly what you should wear, so wait for me, OK?" I agreed as she was already halfway out of the door.

She returned 15 minutes later with wet hair. I helped her dry it and style it. Then she jumped up and grinned, "OK your outfit for tonight."

I looked at her warily, "Why do I get a bad feeling about this?"

She laughed, "Because you're a bad girl?"

I pouted, "Am not. I'm a good girl." I tossed my head.

She waved a hand at me and began to rummage around in my wardrobe, "Not tonight you're not. Time to try out some of your new purchases from the weekend."

I groaned a little. Claire had encouraged me to make some purchases that I don't think I would have made had I been left to myself. I had an idea about what was coming. She smiled and pulled out a top, "This is definitely the top for you for tonight." It was a stretchy, white sleeveless top which I knew from trying it on in the shop left none of my curves to the imagination. She continued, "And with it of course it has to be…tada!" She pulled out an extremely short, black leather skirt. She had insisted that I buy it. I had protested. I thought it was even too short for my less-than-conservative taste but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She had reasoned that if I was going to be a 'rock chick' as she called it, then of course I would need a short leather skirt. I had eventually given in, but had kept the receipt thinking that I would probably return it sometime when Claire wasn't around. "Claire, I can't! It's too…," I paused and wrinkled my nose trying to think of the right words.

She giggled, "Too what?"

I grinned, "It's too sexy I guess."

She shook her head, "No way. Tonight is not a night for too sexy. No such thing. At least try it on and see how it looks."

I sighed, "Alright, but I'm not planning to wear it." My corset was already around my waist loosely. I tightened it fairly severely. I was about to tie it off when Claire shook her head, "Oh no sister. After what you did to me in the corset the other day, don't think you are getting off easy." She walked towards me.

"Getting off easy?" I exclaimed, "It's as tight as it goes."

She raised an eyebrow, "We'll see about that. Now take a deep breath in." I groaned and did so and at the same time she yanked viciously on the laces. I know it sounds trite, but I really did feel as if I was being cut in two. Claire grunted and wrestled with the laces and then tied them off. "There, that's more like it," she said with pride. I looked at my waistline in the mirror. It really was waspish. I took little breaths and found that it wasn't too bad really. I shrugged and took the white top from her as she handed it to me. I slipped it on. It fit perfectly. It accentuated my full breasts and narrow waist. I knew it looked good, it felt good. I took the leather mini from her and stepped into it and zipped it up. Oh but it was short. It just about came down to mid thigh. "This is almost indecent," I complained.

Claire laughed, "Almost, but not quite so it will be fine. And anyway, your outfit isn't complete. I bought you a little present which I think will compliment your ensemble nicely." She handed me a packet. I took it and looked at it. Black tights. Fishnet tights!

"Claire!" I gasped, "Are you planning on getting me arrested for being a hooker tonight?"

She grinned, "Not unless you are planning to act like one. Come on, it's New Year's Eve, it's a big party night. We are going to a student club. You are a beautiful, sexy woman so why shouldn't you dress like one? Try them on, go on!"

I sighed and against my better judgement opened the packet. I pulled the tights on and adjusted them. Claire handed me my long black suede boots and said, "It has to be these, try it and see how it all looks." I shrugged and slipped the boots on. I stood up and turned to face the mirror. I stood and stared. I shook my head and murmured, "Claire, I really think I look too sexy."

She giggled, "I know, you really do. So that's it settled, that's you dressed for tonight."

"Claire! I can't go out like this," I paused, "Can I?"

She nodded, "You will go to the ball Cinderella. And if it makes you feel better, I bought a pair of the same fishnets, so you won't feel like the odd one out."

I laughed and looked at myself in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't like the way that I looked. I think the problem was I liked it too much. But I also had the perspective that I knew what a guy would probably think of the way I looked. I mentioned this, "Claire, umm, what do you think the guys will think of the way I look?"

She laughed out loud, "Oh so you are concerned about what they will think?"

"No, I mean yes, but not in that way. I mean, I don't want to give the wrong signals."

"What are the wrong signals?" she asked softly.

I shrugged, "I don't know. Like I don't want them to think I am interested in them."

She smiled, "Nicola dear little sister, this is the joy of being a woman. You can go in there looking like the hottest thing on two legs, which you probably will be, and enjoy yourself. It doesn't matter what any man thinks about you, they can look, but they can't touch and you can have no interest in them whatsoever and have a good time. It will drive them wild!"

I wrinkled my nose, "Isn't that being a bit of a tease?"

She giggled and nodded, "And?"

I sighed. With the mood she was in, I could see that I was on a hiding to nothing. I was distracted from my train of thought by Claire beginning to slide her top on. I butted in, "Hey no way sis."

"Uhh?"

"You haven't put your corset on yet." And I proceeded to wrap my spare corset around her and viciously lace her up as tightly as she had done to me. She complained but from the look on her face, I knew she liked the effect it had on her figure. She put on a black velvet top. It was stunning. Sleeveless and strapless. I quipped, "It's as well you've big enough boobs to hold that top up."

She flushed a little, "Hey, they're not quite as big as yours, but at least mine are natural. Are yours sis?" She winked.

I winked back, "Not yet." She was in the middle of pulling on a denim miniskirt and she stopped dead in her tracks.

"What did you just say?"

I shrugged now feeling a little self-consciously and she went on, "Did you just imply what I think you did?"

I shrugged again, "Umm, maybe?"

She slowly pulled her skirt on, not taking her eyes off me, "You are thinking of having breast implant surgery." A statement.

I smiled and inclined my head. I spoke softly, "Well perhaps. I mean, it sort of makes sense."

She sat down on the bed and regarded me thoughtfully, "Would you like your own breasts?"

I smiled and sat down beside her. I chewed my lower lip and then turned to look at her, "Yes, I think I would."

She blinked several times, "Wow. Have you discussed this with anyone?"

"Only my doctor."

"Your doctor? So you are really serious about this? I mean it's sort of like, irreversible, well not really, but almost."

I shrugged and grinned, "And you think what I've done already could be undone without any trouble? Even if I wanted to?"

She nodded thoughtfully, "OK, point taken." She nodded slowly to herself and then turned to look at me again, "You haven't told anyone else about this, but I want you to promise me something."

"What?"

"I want you to promise that you won't go off and do this without telling anyone. You must tell me beforehand."

I sighed and felt a little irked, "What? So you can try and talk me out of it? Claire, I thought you at least got it, I mean when…" I stopped. Her index finger was an inch from my lips.

"Shush you, and listen to me," she said softly. "I'm not going to try and talk you out of it. I see the person you want to be and I'm going to have to get used to it. In fact I think I might like her. Do you think I'd be taking you out like this tonight if I wasn't now with you on this? Why you have to tell me is not for me to talk you out of it. It's so I can be there for you when you have it done."

It was as if someone had put a hand around my throat and squeezed. I felt choked. I swallowed hard, and could feel my eyes stinging as moisture welled. I blinked a few times and swallowed again. I took a deep breath and forced a smile, "Claire, I don't know what to say…"

She smiled, "Just promise me."

"I promise."

She grinned, "Now dry your eyes before we get our makeup on. Remember we are going out to party tonight so no holds barred, now go for it."

I laughed and dabbed my eyes gently with a tissue. Claire helped me with my makeup and I helped her. I felt sure we were using too much mascara and kohl eyeliner pencil, but Claire pooh-poohed that. She thought we were using too much lipstick, but I silenced her. I painted my nails ruby red and Claire went for frosty pink. I put in my long drop earrings into my lower holes and a pair of medium sized hoops into the upper holes.

We stood up side by side and, like we had done the other day, looked in the mirror together. Claire gave a low whistle, "Damn but we are hot…watch out Swansea, here come the Evans sisters." I laughed, but she was right. With me in my black leather mini, fishnet tights and long suede boots and her in her short denim skirt, fishnets and stiletto heels – we were definitely a force to be reckoned with.

"Oh, look at the time!" I exclaimed. It was 7:20pm. "We're going to be late. We are supposed to meet Dawn at 8." It was just under an hour's drive to Swansea from where we were.

Claire shrugged, "I don't think they'll go on without us. But now the next problem."

I frowned, "What problem?"

She gritted her teeth, "Us getting out past Mum and Dad dressed like this."

My mouth dropped open, "Oh." I paused, "I hadn't thought of that."

Claire nodded, "Oh indeed. Any suggestions?"

I laughed, "You get me all tarted up like this and expect me to get us out of this?" I looked out the window, "Is the drainpipe out of the question?"

She looked at me, "With you in those boots and that skirt and me not much better off?"

I grinned, "Good point. So what's your plain Einstein?"

She shrugged, "I was sort of thinking we walk down the stairs, grab our coats, say goodbye and leave."

"Just like that?"

"Any better ideas?"

"No."

"Well then, let's go Nikki."

"OK, but don't call me Nikki."

"Gotcha."

 

----------*----------

 

Claire was fairly putting her foot down in her sporty Renault Clio as we made good progress along the A473. We had managed to extricate ourselves from the protests of our parents. Predictably they had nearly swallowed their tongues when they saw us coming down the stairs. Mum looked aghast and Dad told us in no uncertain terms that we were not going out looking like we did. Claire told him in equally uncertain terms that we were indeed going out looking like this and that as we were adults, we were entirely free so to do. More protests and counter protests were lodged and I had been happy to keep out of it. Eventually a stand off ensued and we just grabbed our coats and left. I was worried what they would say when we got home, but Claire reminded me that it would be extremely unlikely that they would still be up by the time she imagined we would be getting home.

We were only fifteen minutes late when we pulled up outside Uncle Keith and Aunt Vera's house. I was hoping that the aforementioned relatives wouldn't be there, but of course they were. Aunt Vera opened the door and rolled her eyes when she saw us. She held the door open and beckoned us in. She turned and called up the stairs, "Dawn, two more floozies to join you in your indecency." Claire and I both had to try hard not to snigger. I smiled at Aunt Vera, "How are you?"

She sighed, "I don't know what the world is coming to. It's bad enough for girls to dress like this, let alone…" I got the drift, but she never got to finish her sentence as Dawn came whooping down the stairs. She was wearing a tight red dress, black hose and patent black leather high heels. She looked great and we told her so.

She gushed, "But look at you two! And you Nicola? Wow!"

Aunt Vera tutted and threw up her hands as she went into another room and closed the door.

Dawn giggled, "Mum's a little upset about my 'tasteless dress sense'."

I grinned wryly, "You should have seen the trouble we had getting out the door."

She nodded and gesturing to our fishnets, "I can see why. You two aren't pulling any punches tonight."

Claire grinned, "We're just looking to relax and have a good time. Where's Phil and co?"

Dawn shrugged, "Oh they are going to meet us there. Phil's away to pick up Adam and Brian. We'd better go. I said we would be there around 8:30."

 

----------*----------

 

There was quite a queue to get in and it was a chilly night. Especially the way I was dressed, so I was glad when we finally made it inside. It was busy, noisy, smoky and dark. I wasn't really used to such a social scene. Well unless I was playing a gig or something. Otherwise, I wouldn't really choose to go out to a place like this. But perhaps Claire and Dawn's enthusiasm was rubbing off on me a little as I decided to relax and enjoy myself. With the crowd, it seemed like we had no chance of finding Phil and his friends. Dawn astutely came up with the solution. She sent a text message to Adam and he promptly responded in like fashion to inform us they were holding a table in the far right back corner. We made our way in that direction and saw the three of them. Dawn went up to Adam and greeted him with a hug and a lingering kiss. Claire grinned at Phil, said hi and then introduced herself to Brian. I walked over to Phil and smiled shyly. Suddenly I felt quite self-conscious. He was giving me a very strange look.

I sighed, "Phil are you still freaked out by me?"

He paused and smiled, "Well yes, but not in the way you think. I just can't get over how good you look. I mean, not just good, but…" His voice trailed off and he just shrugged.

I laughed nervously, "Well, you look pretty smart yourself." He did too. White shirt, black jeans – simple, but for a man, very effective. Nothing like the amount of effort I had had to go to, but I guess that came with the territory.

"Here sit down," he indicated to the seat next to him and I did so. He was sitting quite close to me. He continued, "Hey look, I want to apologise again for how I behaved last week."

"Think nothing of it," I said waving a hand.

"No seriously," he persisted, "I really feel bad. The last thing I want you to do is think I'm like the rest of the old fogies, all disapproving and all." He smiled at me, "When I look at you, I can't believe it's really you. I can barely see anything resembling the old you."

I felt more self-conscious and tried to cover it with a quip, "That's because you haven't taken your eyes off my breasts."

He laughed and looked my straight in the eyes, "Not quite true, but who could blame a man?" He hesitated and then with a look of curiosity asked, "Are they….?"

I stopped him, "Do you really want to ask me such a question?"

He laughed and shook his head, "I guess not. Doesn't matter. Look, do you want something to drink?"

"Err sure, I'd like a…."

He interrupted, "I'll pick something suitable for you." He asked the others if they wanted anything and headed off to the bar with our order. I sat back and looked around the table.

Claire spoke, "Brian, meet my sister Nicola. She might have got the better looks, but trust me hon I'm the one with the brains." She turned to me and winked, "Brian's going to be an architect."

I laughed, "Don't listen to my sister, it's false modesty. And did I mention that she's my older sister? But then she always liked the younger man."

Claire gasped in mock horror and gave me a playful slap, "Less of that little sister or I'll tell Mum on you later."

I smiled and actually spoke to Brian, "Hi Brian, nice to meet you."

"Likewise," he said. He looked a bit overwhelmed and didn't seem to know what else to say.

Dawn giggled, "Nicola, this is Adam, my delicious boyfriend," she turned to Adam and waggled her finger, "and if I see you looking too much at my lovely cousin I'll get extremely jealous."

"Hi Nicola," he reached over with his hand.

I shook it, "Hi Adam, you're a brave man taking on my mad cousin."

He laughed, "Yes she needs some taming, but I figure I'm the man for the job."

"Hey!" Dawn protested and tried to tickle him, until he effortlessly caught both her wrists in one hand, and then kissed her.

Just then Phil arrived back, "We have drinks!" He set a tray down on the table with a little flourish and handed out the drinks. He gave me a tall glass filled with green liquid, "For the lovely lady."

I looked at it suspiciously, "What is it Phil?"

He looked at me dead pan, "You don't know? It's Vulcan blood."

I stuck my tongue out at him, "Geek!"

He laughed, "Look who's talking." I think he then realised how incongruous it was to call me a geek now. In the past, certainly it would have seemed entirely appropriate. He shrugged, "Anyway, it's actually vodka and lime." He saw me screw my nose up, "Hey try it and relax."

I shrugged and took a sip. I wasn't one for drinking much alcohol; it had never had that much appeal to me. I reckon my background and upbringing also had something to do with that. But it actually wasn't too bad. Not too bitter, quite tangy and with a bit of a bite to it. I took another sip. Phil sat down beside me again and we began to chat. I asked him about his course and his plans for jobs after he graduated in the summer. He asked me about my music deal and what my next steps would be. I was actually beginning to wind down and relax when Phil grabbed my hand and stood up, "Come on."

"Huh?" I said.

"Let's dance," he said as he smiled down at me, "Come on!"

I reluctantly stood up, "Phil, I don't know…"

"Well I do, come on and don't deny your favourite cousin a dance."

I grinned, "You want me to dance with Dawn?" The others at the table laughed.

He feigned wounded pride and I took pity on him, "Oh alright then, lead on." He grinned and led me to the dance floor.

I felt a little uncomfortable and whispered in his ear, "Are you sure you want to dance with me Phil, you know with me being, well you know…"

He turned to me and smiled and replied, "What? With you being the prettiest girl in the room? Course I want to dance with you."

I felt myself flush from head to toe and he laughed. We began to dance. It was a mixture of disco pop, dance and rock music. I was never much of a dancer before and although all I had done recently was ballroom dancing, it seemed to have helped with regard to my rhythm and fluidity of motion. I just relaxed and let my body move to the music. It came fairly easily, certainly a lot more easily that it had ever done on the few occasions when I was dragged up to dance in the past. I actually enjoyed it.

The tempo changed and Simply Red's 'If you don't know me by now' began to play. Immediately the couples on the dance floor moved closer and into each other's arms. Phil looked at me and raised a questioning eyebrow. I smiled shyly and shrugged. He grinned and gently pulled me to himself. I tentatively put my arms around his neck and felt him slide his arms around my waist. We were very close as we began to sway to the music. I laughed nervously, "This is weird."

He nodded, "I know, totally weird."

I looked at him, "You don't feel uncomfortable?"

He smiled back at me, "Extremely so. Here I am dancing with my amazingly beautiful cousin. That would be fine, except for the past which we both know. And what makes me feel most uncomfortable is that I don't really care, that I want to be with you and close to you this evening."

"Wow," I murmured.

"How do you feel about it Nicola?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. To be honest, I guess I'd rather dance with you than anyone else here."

He nodded and grinned wryly, "But that's just because you feel more comfortable with me than a strange guy."

I wrinkled my forehead, "Well, perhaps. I suppose that's not the most flattering thing I could have said."

He laughed, "I don't care to be honest, because here I am holding you in my arms and am the focus of the jealousy of all the other guys in this place."

"Phil!" I remonstrated, "Don't exaggerate."

"You think I exaggerate? Have you not seen how the other guys are looking at you tonight?"

He was right. I had noticed but had been trying to ignore it. From the moment I had walked in, I had been aware of every guy I walked past looking me up and down and taking a second look. It made me feel strange. A mixture of pride and discomfort. After a few more slow numbers, we headed back to our table. Dawn and Adam were there. Claire and Brian were up dancing Dawn informed us.

"Don't they make a cute couple?" Dawn stirred.

I laughed, "Oh yes, has anyone warned poor unsuspecting Brian about my man-eating sister?"

Dawn shrugged and giggled, "Figured we'd let him work it out for himself."

Adam winked at Phil, "They aren't the only ones who made a cute couple."

Phil laughed and sounded a little nervous, "Nah, just enjoying a dance with my cousin you know."

Adam gave him a look that was easily understood as saying, 'yeah right'.

"Ahem," somebody cleared their throat just beside me. I looked up and a large man with short bleached blond hair and a goatee beard was standing there looking down at me.

"Erm, can I help you?" I asked.

"I would think so," he said with a grin which was more like a leer I thought. "Wanna dance love?"

I felt my skin crawl, "Err thanks for asking, but I don't think so." I turned away, but he wasn't going to give up so easily.

"Come on sweetie, let me show you a good time. You sure look like that's what you're after."

Phil bristled beside me and stood up, "Look mate, you heard the lady. She said she didn't want to dance."

He sneered at Phil, "Are you her boyfriend?"

Phil hesitated, "No, I'm her cousin."

"Then butt out, this is between me and the honey here."

Phil didn't look pleased, "Well she's made it plain she's not interested, so I suggest you look elsewhere."

The big oaf laughed, "You going to stop me if I don't?"

Another voice joined in from behind me, "Yes he is and so are we if you don't sod off." It was Brian who had just arrived back at the table and Adam was now standing up beside him.

Big oaf paused for a moment and swore, he looked down at me, "Your loss, but you're not worth the effort." He turned and swaggered off and I shivered involuntarily.

I looked around the table, "Thanks guys."

Various comments ensued about jerks, idiots and the like. I felt Phil's arm gently slip around me and rest on my shoulder. "You OK?" he murmured.

I didn't protest at his arm, in fact I found myself snuggling up to him. It felt safe and secure. "Yeah, I'm alright." I paused and then looked up at Phil, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure anything."

I grinned, "Want to be my boyfriend for the rest of the evening?"

He laughed, "Do I ever! Sure thing, but I want to you to know that I'm the jealous sort and wouldn't take kindly to you dancing with other guys."

I shrugged, "Phil to be honest I think I'd be happy to only dance with you tonight anyway."

He sighed, "Well, it'll be a hard burden, but I guess I'll manage it somehow."

"Nicola, Nicola!" Claire exclaimed.

"What?"

"Oh oh, listen to what they're announcing; they're going to do some karaoke now."

"Eww, this should be painful to listen to," I grimaced.

Claire smiled, "Yes, but that's not what I was getting at. You should get up and sing."

I laughed, "I don't think so."

"No seriously, you should," Dawn joined in. She turned to Adam and Brian, "Did you know my cousin Nicola is going to be a rock star?"

They looked mildly impressed and joined in the encouragements to get up. I sighed, "OK, OK. But here's the deal. Let a lot of others go up first." I grinned, "I want to check out the competition, and then if I am going up, I'm taking my two backing singers with me." I looked pointedly at Claire and Dawn. They didn't look so enthusiastic now, but the boys were definitely sold on the idea.

Claire screwed up her face, "Alright, deal. But what are we going to sing?"

Brian went and grabbed one of the song lists that were circulating about and brought it back to our table. He gave it to me and I scanned it looking for what I thought might be there. It was. "OK girls, I've got us our song, 'Show me heaven'"

Claire and Dawn looked at each other, and Dawn nodded, "Fair enough, but what are us backing singers going to do…apart from stand there and look pretty?" She batted her eyelids a few times.

I laughed, "OK, rehearsal in the ladies' room, excuse us for a moment gentlemen."

There were a few other girls in the ladies and we decided to squeeze into one cubicle, despite the few funny looks we attracted. I talked them through the song, I knew it by heart of course. I sang the backing lines they were to sing in the chorus and got them to sing them back to me. We did it again and again a few times until they really had the hang of it. I actually began to get a little excited. It had been a long time since I had performed in public and although this didn't exactly qualify as a starring role, it was live singing nonetheless. Before we left the ladies' room, we all touched up our make up and then headed out.

Claire went up to the DJ and added our names to the list. We sat down at the table again and I asked, "Claire what did you call us?"

She grinned, "You'll find out soon enough."

Before long the DJ announced, "And now singing 'Show me heaven' are Cara Malone and Co."

I rolled my eyes and Claire briefly explained the name to Dawn and the boys as we got up and made our way onto the stage. As we turned and stood in front of our microphones there was a chorus of wolf whistles and cheers. I thought it would have been intimidating, but it produced an adrenaline rush and I smiled to the crowd as the music began. As I began to sing, the noise decreased until there was near silence apart from the music and my singing. The song built into the first chorus and the girls joined in their harmonies. I felt the old rush of blood to the head and I cradled the microphone in my hand, and closed my eyes as I sang the all too familiar words. We all really belted out the final chorus and as the music finished I said, "Thank you, good night," and blew the crowd a kiss. There was a caterwaul of cheering and whistling and we laughed as we waved and left the stage.

"Well now," said the DJ a little hesitantly, "Tell me, is there anyone in the building who wants to get up and sing to follow that?" No-one was offering. "As I thought," he continued, "and rightly so, let's hear it for Cara Malone and Co. and let's get back to some dancing." As we made our way back to our table, people applauded and waved at us.

"You're amazing," Phil murmured into my ear.

I laughed, "We just sounded good because those that had sung before us were the usual woeful complement of people who think they can sing once they have had a few drinks in them."

"No seriously," he said, "you're really going to make it aren't you?"

I looked at him thoughtfully, "I'm planning to do my best. I hope so."

He grinned, "Well I'll buy your album when it comes out."

I laughed, "I should hope so, if my 'boyfriend' doesn't buy it, who will?"

He smiled and stood up pulling me to my feet, "Come on 'girlfriend' of mine, let's dance some more."

I didn't protest as we walked onto the dance floor arm in arm. It was slow dances again and it didn't feel as uncomfortable this time. We chatted and swayed. After several more songs, I realised that my feet were beginning to hurt. I mentioned this to Phil and we headed back to the table. When we got there, we found Dawn and Adam locked in a close embrace, but to my surprise my sister and Brian were also engaged in the same practice. I don't think either couple even noticed us arriving back.

I sat down beside Phil and joked, "Dang, I feel kinda left out."

He grinned at me and winked, "What? My 'girlfriend' isn't going to kiss me on New Year's Eve?"

I laughed, "You watch yourself, any more talk like that and I'll jump onto your lap and teach you what a proper kiss is."

"Is that a threat or a promise," he said cocking his head as if challenging me.

"You think I wouldn't?" I said as if daring him to agree.

"Yes I think you wouldn't."

I don't know what made me do what I did next. Perhaps it was the two or three vodka and lime drinks I'd consumed that evening, perhaps it was the high of singing and the response we'd received, perhaps it was because of the closeness we had enjoyed that evening. I made good on my threat or promise or whatever it was. I slipped onto Phil's lap, slid my arms around his neck and lowered my lips to his and gave him a soft kiss. I suddenly realised what I had done and sat up straight, "Phil, I'm sorry. I was just being silly."

He looked at me strangely and softly said, "Were you?"

I looked at him closely, "You want me to kiss you?"

His eyes didn't leave mine, "I know it seems weird. I know we're cousins and the past and all. I'm probably not thinking straight at all, but here I am with possibly the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and tonight she's pretending to be my girlfriend. Do I want you to kiss me?" He paused and smiled, "Oh yes."

I hesitated and looked at him. Again I don't know why I did it, but I lowered my lips to his again and kissed him again. This time he slid his arms around me and pulled me closer to him and he kissed me back. It wasn't long before things became a bit passionate and I felt him slide his tongue inside my mouth. I should have resisted, but I didn't. I don't know how long we kissed for, but we had an audience when we finally broke for air. Dawn and Adam, Claire and Brian had all apparently stopped their own romantic activities and had been watching us. I felt very embarrassed and wiped my lipstick from Phil's face and slid off his lap onto my own chair. Their eyes were still on us. "What?" I said spreading my hands, "You were all at it too."

Dawn screwed her nose up, "But…you're cousins."

I shrugged, "Cousins isn't illegal."

She said something but her reply was drowned in the noise of the countdown to midnight that had just begun.

"7…6…5…4…3…2…1…Happy new year everyone! Welcome to 2003!"

The obligatory singing began and we all joined hands around the table and sang, "…For auld lang syne, We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet, For auld lang syne."

We all began to chat around the table again and I was glad for the distraction. "Sorry," I murmured to Phil.

"What for? I'm not sorry," he replied.

"Well I didn't mean to embarrass you or anything."

"Look Nicola, I'm not embarrassed. I've had the best New Year's Eve I've had in a long time. I've no pretences about what took place. I had a great time, I hope you did too."

I smiled and squeezed his hand under the table, "I did. I really did."

 

----------*----------

 

"What did you think you were doing?" Claire asked exasperatedly.

We had driven in silence for about half an hour after saying our goodbyes outside the club. I knew she was steaming and had just resigned myself to waiting for her to vent.

I shrugged, "I wasn't doing anything different from anyone else who was there."

"The hell you weren't! He's your cousin."

I was getting a bit narked, "OK, say last New Year's Eve we had gone out and I had ended up kissing Dawn, would you have been so annoyed?"

She paused, "That's different…"

I interrupted, "How is it different, she is my cousin. That was your objection, no?"

"But Phil is, well he is a guy."

"And?"

"And so are you," she replied without thinking.

I let the answer hang there in the air for a few moments. "I see," I said softly.

Claire realised what she had said, "Nicola, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"How did you mean it?"

"Oh I don't know," she said with frustration, "it just didn't seem right."

I nodded, "I know. I agree. But I don't know what is right or what is wrong. Would it have been right if I had found a pretty girl and kissed her tonight? I imagine not. Claire I'm confused about all this. I don't know what I feel or think. I guess I wasn't thinking tonight."

She sighed, "I'm sorry for going off at you. I reckon I'm not as adjusted to your change as I thought I was."

"I know," I mused, "at times I feel that way too."

She went on, "But I think you need to sort out what you think, because not every guy is going to be as decent or understanding as cousin Phil. Think about it, if you kiss a guy, he's going to be hoping it leads to a lot more. What if they find out what you're packing under your skirt?"

I winced, but she was right. "I know, I know. It's just all so overwhelming. I mean, I felt really sexy tonight." I took a long, deep breath, "I think I'm going to have to control myself better until I can sort things out."

We drove in silence for most of the rest of the journey. When we were nearing home I said, "Claire, have you any plans for tomorrow?"

"Apart from sleeping in until lunchtime, no. Why?"

I shrugged, "I'll talk to you tomorrow. I think I need a favour."

 

To be continued…

  

 

 

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