No Half Measures

by Jenny Walker

© 2003

 

CHAPTER 7

 

I kept Mabel happy again on Sunday by once again going to Church with the girls. Although it was strange, it was sort of comforting to go to Church after such a long time away from it in recent years. I felt quite at home at Silsbury Manor and when Monday came it was with a certain sadness that I realised I was beginning my last week of my stay. It was the 16^th December. Actually when I thought about it, I really became quite emotional and over breakfast I was quite teary. I got lots of hugs and sympathy from the girls, well mainly Beth. It wasn't quite Jools' sort of thing.

"Why am I getting on like this? I feel mortified sitting blubbing like this, I don't understand it," I said trying to make light of it.

Jools looked at Beth knowingly and then looked at me. She said softly, "Cara dear, hormones."

I looked at her and realisation hit me. "Oh you mean…that this is because of…is this normal?" I wrinkled my brow.

They both laughed and Jools replied, "Yes dear, it's perfectly understandable. You're now onto your 4^th week of hormones and this week's pills are mainly progestagens. You are suffering a relative deficit of oestrogen this week compared to previous weeks."

"Why are they made like that?" I puzzled.

Jools smiled and raised her eyebrows, "Well, it is a 4 week cycle…" She let her voice trail off.

"Oh," was all I said.

Beth and Jools smirked.

"Erm," I began hesitantly, "please tell me that I don't have PMS?"

They laughed. I couldn't help but join in too.

Beth and I maintained our usual routine in the mornings and she herself began to admit that she didn't really see much point in continuing as she felt I had learnt practically all she needed to teach me. However paradoxically it was me this week who wanted to keep going. Perhaps it was the fear of going back to the real world after this week that drove me on. I just wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to give myself away.

 

----------*----------

 

When Tuesday evening approached, I couldn't hide my anticipation about going dancing again and the girls sensed it and gently teased me about it. I didn't care. I was looking forward to it. I wore a black velvet top, a red skirt that came to just above the knee and black stockings. Also tonight I decided to give my high heels a go and see how I managed dancing in them. I took an inordinately long time doing my hair and makeup but thankfully I had started early so I don't think Jools and Beth realised. At last, satisfied with my appearance, I headed downstairs and we headed into Plymouth.

Paul was again waiting just inside the door and I was quite surprised at how pleased I was to see him. He seemed quite pleased to see me too. He gave me his arm and we walked up the stairs.

"How was the conference?" I asked.

He groaned, "Oh it was stultifyingly boring. But then it usually is." He grinned at me and winked, "I couldn't stop thinking about you Cara."

I squeezed his arm, "Oh you. Stop being such a tease."

He smiled and said softly, "Well, I did think about you a lot. And if I may say so, you look absolutely beautiful this evening. Did you miss me last week?"

I laughed, "Oh I think I can safely say that I did. My stand-in partners did not match up to your suave brilliance on the dance floor."

He grinned, "So that's all you missed: my dancing?" He raised an eyebrow.

I felt myself colour a little, "Alright well they weren't quite as charming or as devastatingly handsome as you." I gave a little wink to try and make the comment as light-hearted as possible. He smiled at me and this time it was his turn to flush.

Freddy started us off with a revision of the Quickstep. Although when I say revision, this week's quickstep bore little resemblance to last week's. Paul guided me expertly and it was a joy to relax in his arms and be led around the floor. I didn't have to concentrate as much and could just enjoy the experience. Towards the end of the night as this was the last official beginner's class of this session, Freddy gave us a selection of different dances in succession: Waltz, Viennese Waltz, Foxtrot and Quickstep. He complimented us all on how much we had learned and gave us a last reminder about the dinner dance on Friday. We applauded him and all thanked him for his time and patient instruction.

At the end, Paul guided me off the dance floor, his arm around my shoulders. It felt nice, I felt secure. It was strange. I was about to get ready to go and find Jools and Beth when he took me by the hand.

"Cara, why don't we go and grab a coffee somewhere?"

I swallowed and felt my heart lurch into my mouth, "Erm, well I don't have any transport, I was going to get home with my friends."

He shrugged, "I'll leave you back, it's no problem."

I was in a quandary and didn't know what to do or say. Why wouldn't I go? What did I want to do? It was only coffee after all. But it seemed like crossing an imperceptible line. A guy essentially asking me out. When I thought about it, I was going to the dinner dance with him on Friday so what was the big deal. I shrugged.

"OK sure, that would be lovely Paul. Just let me tell Jools and Beth."

I strolled over to them and told them my plans. They smiled at me.

"Are you sure you'll be OK?" Beth asked.

I laughed, "Yes I'll be fine. I'll see you both later."

When we got outside, Paul put his arm around my shoulders again and it seemed only natural to slip my arm around his waist. We walked around the corner and down the street to a warm cosy looking coffee shop called 'Café Rosso'. Inside there was a coal fire burning in the grate and there was a comfy sofa nearby which Paul guided me to. I took off my coat and sat down. It was lovely to warm up in comfort, as it was a fairly chilly night outside. Paul sat down beside me and casually slipped his arm around my shoulders again. I looked over at him and smiled. I think I must half looked a little nervous or something, because he shifted in his seat and softly said, "I'm sorry, do you want me to take my arm away?"

I didn't really. It felt nice. I shook my head, "No Paul, please don't." I settled down into the sofa and actually shifted over a bit towards him. He pulled me close 'til our bodies were touching. I felt sure he would be able to feel my heartbeat, which was currently racing. I wasn't exactly sure what was happening. I remembered the girls' warnings about Paul falling for me. But what could I do? I liked him. Was it more than that? I didn't know. I didn't think so. Yes I liked the attention, I mean I really liked it. But was there anything more to it?

A waitress came over and took our order: a latte for me and an espresso for Paul. Just as she was leaving she said, "My, don't you two lovebirds look so comfortable snuggled there together."

I was sure my cheeks must have been crimson. I looked up at Paul and forced a little laugh, "Lovebirds." I tried to pass it off.

He looked down at me and smiled, "Cara, I wish."

I sighed and bit my lower lip. He gently placed a hand on my right leg. Not threateningly in any way. "Cara," he began, "you really are an incredible woman. Over the last few weeks as I've got to know you, I just can't get you out of my mind. There really is something special about you. I can't put my finger on it. I mean obviously you are extremely physically attractive, but you have a certain aura about you which is hard to define."

I felt very uncomfortable now. I rested my hand on top of his. "Paul," I began hesitantly, "I am very flattered by what you say. Truly I am." I paused. What could I say? "I've really enjoyed getting to know you too. You are very dear to me, and as attractive as I find you, our paths are going to go separate ways."

He sighed, "I know. Do you have to leave?"

I nodded, "Yes, I do. My time down here has been so special and I will never forget it. But life goes on and there are things I have to do."

He nodded, "I figured as much." He looked at me almost wistfully, "If things had been different, do you think you and I could have made something of it?"

I smiled, "If things had been different yes I am sure we could." Yes, if I was really a girl and yes if I was sexually attracted to men. Which I'm not. I was fairly sure of that. Or at least I told myself that.

We drank our coffee and chatted and laughed together and after about an hour, we walked arm in arm back to Paul's car.

"You drive a porsche?" I said lightly running my hand over the silver metal.

He shrugged semi-apologetically.

I grinned and winked, "Paul, heck why didn't you say so earlier? This could have changed everything, I'd have given up all my plans and agreed to stay."

He laughed as we got in and drove off, "Ah you see, you're just like all the rest, in love with my car and not with me."

When we arrived at Silsbury Manor and pulled up outside the house, he got out of the car and walked me up to the door. He took my hands in his and looked into my eyes. There seemed to be some sadness there.

"I can't wait until Friday Cara, let's have a great night together."

"Yes, that sounds wonderful," I replied.

Then he slowly leaned forward and gently gave me a light kiss on the lips, "Goodnight Miss Malone, I'll pick you up at 7 p.m. on Friday." He turned and walked back down to his car. I went inside and closed the door. I wasn't sure how I felt. Inside I was a mixture of whirling emotions. I didn't think I could face the inquest from the girls so I just headed up to my room and got ready for bed.

As I lay there in the dark, my mind was reeling as I replayed the evening's events over and over again. I really did feel a lot for Paul. I had grown to like him a lot and looked forward to the times I spent in his company. Was this what being attracted to a man was like? I didn't think so. I still felt that it was women that I was attracted to. Not that that was going to be helpful given my current appearance. I put my mixed feelings down to the hormones that were undoubtedly ravaging my body and also due to the changes I had been going through over the last four weeks.

 

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All through my 'training' session with Beth on Wednesday morning, I was itching to get to the piano. I felt a song inside me and wanted to get it out. After lunch, I sat down at the piano and began to play. It was very much a slow ballad. The lyrical idea was in my head and I knew where it had come from. I felt a little uncomfortable about that, but when the song is coming, just let it out and see what happens. I could hear the song in my head, slow quiet piano verse with light drums and bass joining in the chorus with a slightly distorted solo lead guitar line. I sketched out the words that were in my mind. When I had finished I just sat there for a moment. It was a moving song. Yet I felt almost uncomfortable having written it. But it was good, or at least I thought so. I entitled it 'Not dancing, but flying'. I played it through:

"Touch my shoulder and take my hand,

And lead me out to dance,

As you take me in your arms,

It's like I fall into a trance:

When I'm in your arms and you hold me tight,

There's no place for tears or crying,

As we dance and move across the floor,

I want to hold you closer more and more,

But now I know even after this last night,

When I'm with you: I'm not dancing…I'm flying.

Never felt this way before,

Never knew it would be like this,

To feel like I'm opening a door,

To feel like it's my first kiss:

When I'm in your arms and you hold me tight,

There's no place for tears or crying,

As we dance and move across the floor,

I want to hold you closer more and more,

But now I know even after this last night,

When I'm with you: I'm not dancing…I'm flying."

And then I moved into the bridge, in which I upped the tempo, and the vocal moved up in pitch and intensity. I could imagine the drums picking up, and the guitar squealing melancholically:

"But why is that life can snatch away,

A joy almost before it's born,

For when the night is done and tomorrow comes,

One of us will be gone:

When I'm in your arms and you hold me tight,

There's no place for tears or crying,

As we dance and move across the floor,

I want to hold you closer more and more,

But now I know even after this last night,

When I'm with you: I'm not dancing…I'm flying,

And whenever I will think or dream of you,

We're not dancing, but flying."

I stopped and drew breath. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster this one. But it had to come out. And yes, for artistic licence purposes, I felt I had over interpreted the reality. Or had I? It was cathartic to write it and sing it. But it was very strange, because essentially I had just written my first love song about a man. It was a love song granted, but did the song really mirror the truth. I didn't really think so. It was born out of an intensity of new emotions and new circumstances. Though I didn't feel that denigrated the song's worth. I left the music room, grabbed my coat and went to get a breath of fresh air outside. Five songs.

 

----------*----------

 

Over breakfast on Thursday I tackled the girls about what was happening regarding a dress for me for Friday night's dance. They tried to stall me again but I was having none of it this time.

"I'm not dropping the subject until you tell me what the plan is. Otherwise, I'm going right into town this instant and sorting myself out with something." I sort of stamped my foot and put my hands on my hips indignantly.

They both sniggered but eventually relented. "Alright," said Jools reluctantly, "shall we show her Beth?"

Beth nodded, "I think so. She's a stubborn one this girl."

Jools took me by the hand and led me upstairs. Just outside her room, she made me close my eyes; she led me in and then told me to open them. I gasped and my hand flung to my mouth. For there, hanging on Jools' closet door was the black dress I had tried on in town.

"I don't believe it!" I exclaimed. "But how is this here? What? I don't understand."

Beth giggled and took my hand, "Cara dear, consider this a Christmas present from Jools and I. I think you will enjoy it."

I don't know why, but for the second time that week I cried. I felt the tears welling up and I tried to stem the flow. I was fairly disgusted with myself, but I was glad I hadn't put my makeup on yet. I bit my lower lip and tried to get control before speaking.

"But you shouldn't have, I mean I know how horrendously expensive this is."

Jools waved a hand, "Rubbish, it's only what you deserve. You've been through so much the past few weeks, you totally deserve it. And we both wanted to get it for you."

"How did you know my size?" I wondered.

Beth grinned guiltily, "Well after you told us about seeing the dress, we got this idea and the next morning Jools nipped into town and the shop assistant remembered this black haired beauty who had tried the dress on. Not many people have tried it on, so she remembered which size she gave you."

I smiled and gave them both a big hug and kiss on the cheek. "I love you both," I said and tried not to cry again. We had a big group hug. But eventually Jools broke the hug.

"Enough!" she said, "I have to see how this dress looks on you."

I feigned a shrug, "Oh I don't know, maybe I'll try it on later." But by the looks they gave me, I knew they didn't buy it for an instant. I laughed, "Oh alright, I'm dying to try it on again too."

It fit me absolutely perfectly, just like it had in the shop. I revelled in the sensation of the satin skirt whirling around me as I moved. I realised that I would have to be quite careful when I sat down as the slits could reveal a lot more leg than a lady should. I applied my makeup and brushed out my hair. I had made Jools and Beth wait outside my room until I was ready to show them. I heard Jools complaining outside the door. "C'mon Cara, stop being such a woman – you're taking ages in there."

At last, I was happy with my appearance. I was wearing black sheer silk stockings and my 4-inch high heels. I had managed to dance fairly well in them the other night so I figured they were the only shoes for this outfit. I opened the door and struck a pose. In an affected low sultry voice I said with a coquettish smile, "Worth waiting for ladies?"

I saw their eyes widen. Jools slowly shook her head and Beth gave a low whistle. Beth protested, "It really isn't fair. No-one should be allowed to be that beautiful and sexy. I'm jealous."

"Me too," murmured Jools, but I could see a look in her eyes. It looked like pride. "You look absolutely ravishing Cara. I'm so happy for you."

I smiled, "Thank you."

Beth looked at me seriously, "How does it feel to be… I mean for you to realise that you not only look like a woman, but a totally stunning woman at that."

I paused. I felt a little uncomfortable at her questioning. Jools noticed and tried to butt in, "C'mon Beth, don't put her on the spot like that."

I raised a hand. "No it's OK Jools. How does it feel?" I mused. After a moment I gave a little smile, "It feels good. It feels really good."

Beth smiled and squeezed my arm, "You really mean that? I mean I see you looking fabulous, in every way a lovely woman, and I just worry about how you really are inside."

Beth truly was a lovely caring person. She was different to her sister. Jools was fantastic: driven, ambitious, fun, compassionate yes, but Beth had a real tender heart. I squeezed Beth's arm in return, "Don't worry." I paused, "I'm not pretending it's a walk in the park. I'm not saying it's easy and I know there are potentially very difficult times ahead." I swallowed, "But these past few weeks have been some of the happiest weeks of my life. Maybe that's just the wonderful company and friendship I've enjoyed. But I think I have to admit that I like who I've become and there's something intoxicating about being attractive and desirable." I tried to make a joke and lighten the mood, "I mean for the first time in my life, I am actually almost sexy."

Jools laughed and snorted, "Almost sexy? Darling, I hate to tell you but looking at you right now, you are the complete personification of sexy."

We all laughed. It was with some regret that I hung my lovely dress up in my closet and got changed.

 

----------*----------

 

I spent Thursday afternoon and Friday morning polishing up the last two songs I had written and laying down some backing tracks. For 'Not dancing, but flying' I laid down some nice strings tracks. It sounded good. It wasn't easy to sing. Not that it was particularly vocally challenging. Not at all. My female vocal had got stronger and stronger over the past few weeks and it now seemed like second nature. Rather it was the words that were hard to sing. But I knew it was good. It was another expression of the me that I had become. That I was becoming. Beth had had to go into her salon on Friday morning to sort some things out. This gave me time to work on the songs in the morning. I wanted to start getting ready early on Friday afternoon for the dance and Beth had promised to help me.

I spent an obscene length of time in a warm scented bubbly bath and then washed and conditioned my hair. I was sitting in my robe combing my wet hair when Beth knocked on the door and came in. She proceeded to take over and helped me blow dry my hair. She added hairspray here, there and everywhere. She said she wanted to give my hair real body tonight. When it was dry, she began to sweep it up on top of my head and added pins at strategic places. Next she tied pieces of rag into my hair at the sides winding my hair around them and then sprayed with hair spray again. I was a bit puzzled, but she assured me she knew what she was doing. I believed her.

She had brought a portable electrolysis kit home from the salon and proceeded to give my face another treatment. It really didn't take too long as there was hardly any remaining hair. She felt that I wouldn't need any more treatments from now on. She also persuaded me into letting her wax my legs again to ensure I was perfectly smooth. It was extremely painful yet again. I had not had any significant growth of body hair anywhere else since the first waxing.

She took an inordinate amount of time over my makeup. The foundation was expertly blended in. She went for a more dramatic look with my eye makeup. I thought she was going overboard with the dark black eyeliner, but I kept my peace. The eye shadow was more defined than ever before. I also thought my eyelashes were going to break with the amount of mascara she was adding. But the result was perfectly teased out prominent black lashes. She carefully highlighted my cheek bones with rouge and then began to work on my lips. She added lip liner first and then applied ruby red lipstick with a brush. She painted my lips expertly and then, after getting me to blot them, added a coat of lip gloss. She painted my fingernails in the same bright shade of red. As I looked at my face, I had to admit that she did indeed know what she doing. The effect was quite striking. Although I was wearing a lot of makeup, for an evening dance she assured me it was perfect. It certainly looked it.

Beth managed to squeeze another inch or two off my waist by viciously tightening my corset for me. Although I wanted to complain, I didn't really mind. Paradoxical I know. She removed the tied in rags from my hair and I realised what she was striving for. Most of my long hair was swept up at the back on top of my head, but cascading down each side of my face were curly ringlets. It looked amazing, even though I say so myself.

I slid my legs into my stockings and then Beth helped me into my dress and zipped it up at the back. I slipped my feet into my high heels. I added my new silver necklace and bracelet. I really wanted to wear the new silver drop earrings that I had bought and Beth assured me that since it was now four weeks since I had had my ears pierced, there should be no problem. I gingerly removed the hoops from the lower holes in my ears. I gently worked my new earrings in. Beth was right, the holes had healed and there was no problem. Another sign of how many obstacles there would be to me reverting to my old self. If that was what I wanted. Right now, I couldn't imagine that. Beth carefully spritzed me with perfume in strategic locations and left me to gather myself as it was nearly seven p.m.

Ready at last and now that I was alone, I checked out the full picture in the mirror. I was completely overwhelmed. If when I was Nick, I had seen a woman looking like I did right now, I think I would have been flabbergasted and overcome with desire. In some senses I was still overcome with desire. Desire to keep looking like a beautiful woman. It really was quite amazing. Prior to the last four weeks, I had never had any thoughts of myself as a woman. I had never tried on women's clothing before. Had this been latent inside me all these years? It just felt so right at present.

My reverie was interrupted by Jools shouting up the stairs, "Cara, he's coming, I've just buzzed him in the main gates."

I felt my heart rise into my mouth and with a last look in the mirror, I went downstairs. Jools' eyes nearly popped out of her head, "My God, you look awesome!" Then she shook her head and refocused, "But what are you doing down already?"

I shrugged, "You called me and I'm ready."

She shook her head again, "No, you are never ready before the man arrives. You want to keep him waiting a few moments so he realises how worth waiting for, you are. So shoo!"

I grinned and headed back upstairs. I heard the doorbell ring. After a moment, Jools opened it and I heard her greet Paul. "Cara, Paul's here," she called up the stairs to me.

"Just a moment, I'm almost ready," I called down. I was standing at the top of the stairs completely ready, but made myself count to 200 before even thinking about moving. I heard Jools and Paul making polite conversation and eventually I slowly and gracefully descended the stairs. Paul was in mid sentence saying something to Jools when he spotted me. He stopped speaking and fixed his eyes on me as I walked slowly down the last few steps.

"Hi Paul," I said suddenly feeling quite shy. He just stood and stared at me, his mouth open. He didn't speak. "Erm Paul, are you OK?" I asked.

He shook his head slowly before speaking with a little smile on his face, "I don't think so. I think I've died and gone to heaven. Heavens above Cara, you look absolutely wonderful…I don't think I can find the words to do you justice."

I blushed from head to toe and looked away for a moment, feeling very self-conscious. I saw Jools slinking away, leaving us alone just inside the door. I smiled at Paul and walked up to him. I reached up to straighten his bow tie. He was wearing a brilliant white dress shirt and an immaculate perfect fitting tux which he filled out completely. "You don't look half bad yourself," I said, "I would almost think that tux had been designed and tailored for you alone."

He laughed and smiled down at me, "It was. But you, I mean,…wow!"

I laughed and gave him a little poke, "Now stop that, you're embarrassing me."

He winked at me and said, "I don't think I'm fight to drive tonight."

I humoured him, "OK why not?"

"Well I won't be able to watch the road as for this whole evening I'll be unable to tear my eyes away from you."

I laughed and poked him again, harder this time, "Oh you! Now come on, are we going dancing or not?"

"We certainly are," he said with a flourish which led to a bow and him taking my hand and placing a gentle kiss on the back of it. He stood up straight and offered me his arm. I couldn't help but giggle as he helped me on with my jacket and led me out of the door. He held open the door of the Porsche for me and I was extra careful to preserve my dignity as I got in, making sure none of the slits in my dress exposed me. Despite my best efforts, I think Paul got a more than generous glance at my stocking clad leg and thigh. I heard him give a low appreciative whistle as he closed the door. As we drove into Plymouth he kept looking over at me.

"Keep your eyes on the road driver," I admonished with mock severity. I couldn't help myself. I was very naughty but couldn't resist crossing and uncrossing my ankles and in the process letting one of the slits expose my legs again. I made a fuss of rearranging my dress immediately, but I knew that he saw. I felt deliciously mischievous.

"Cara, you are a tease!" he protested.

"Moi?" I exclaimed raising a hand to my chest, "Dear sir, you dost wound me."

He laughed, "But as I'm the luckiest man in the country tonight, I'll forgive you this once."

We arrived at the town hall and again he insisted on getting the car door for me. This time getting out of the car, I took extra care in preventing myself from indecent exposure as there were a fair number of people in the car park. I slipped my arm inside his and we went inside. As we ascended the front steps he murmured to me, "Oh I think I should probably warn you, the table we are at, will have a few people from my work at it. And well, that includes my parents."

"Paul!" I hissed, "That's terrible. Oh my goodness, talk about pressure. What have you told them?"

He smiled and patted my hand, "Only that I'm bringing along the most beautiful and delightful woman I have ever met and that I am sure they will approve of you."

"I think I feel sick," I moaned.

"Oh now come on it won't be that bad. My parents are nice people. Well alright, my mother will probably be making less than subtle comments about marriage and the like. She is ever hopeful that her eldest son will settle down with a nice girl. And my colleagues are likely to do a bit of teasing, but apart from that, it will be fine."

"I definitely feel sick now!" I thought to myself that his poor mother would probably be horrified if she knew the truth about the 'nice girl' cavorting with her son. But then again, so probably would Paul himself. I sighed and took a deep breath and just tried to be as natural as I could.

The main hall was festively decorated and there was a large Christmas tree in one corner. Tables were laid out around the sides of the hall, leaving a large dance floor in the middle. There were a lot of people already here and the buzz of conversation made the place seem alive. We made our way to our assigned table and most people were already there and seated. When we arrived the men stood up. I spotted Paul's father before anyone made any introductions. He was a handsome man, probably in his late fifties and looked like Paul. He had dark hair with silver streaks through it. He walked over, shook Paul's hand and turning to me, but speaking to Paul said, "So this must be the girl that has captured your heart Paul." He turned to me with a smile, "Paul told me he was bringing a beautiful woman, but I see that not for the first time, he wasn't telling me the truth." I blinked a few times and smiled quizzically. What was he implying? He laughed and taking my hand lightly and shaking it said, "Because his words didn't do justice to how lovely you are. You must be Cara Malone. I'm Paul's father, Ronald Davis."

I shook my head slowly and laughed softly, "Well now I can see where Paul gets his devastating charm and good looks from."

Ronald raised an eyebrow and turned to Paul, "Not only beautiful but sharp-witted too."

Before Paul could say anything, an attractive middle-aged lady joined us and interrupted, "Now Ronald, I see I'm going to have to keep you in check tonight." She turned to me and smiled, "I'm Paul's mother, Lorraine. Delighted to meet you Cara. Although I fear I'm going to have to berate my husband all night to keep his eyes off you. Now come here with me and sit beside me and let's get to know each other."

As uneasy as I felt, Lorraine was easygoing and very friendly. It was easy to talk to her and she told me about her family including the obligatory embarrassing stories about Paul in his younger days. Much to his disgust of course. He sat on the other side of me and occasionally groaned at what his mother was telling me. As others arrived at the table, the gentlemen stood up. I almost reflexively stood, when I realised that none of the other women at the table moved. I kept my seat. Paul introduced me to several colleagues and their wives. The women looked at me with interest, and the men looked even closer with more than interest at times. I felt as if I was on display or worse, on trial. Several of his colleagues gave Paul a hearty handshake with a wink or nod and a smile. When they thought I wasn't looking I saw a few give him the thumbs up as they nodded in my direction. I felt embarrassed yet flattered at the same time.

As dinner was served, Lorraine insisted that I tell her all about myself. I tried not to give too much away and gave her basic details about my younger days and family. She asked about what I did and I explained that I was a singer and musician. I'm not sure that this was completely well received. I got the impression that I was moving in a circle of society wives and homemakers. Nonetheless she was charming and interested and made me tell her more about my music.

The dinner was good. It was a traditional Christmas dinner. I found however, that I couldn't eat too much. It was probably a combination of the restrictive nature of my corset and the nervousness of the moment. I had deflected all attempts to refill my wineglass. And I only drank about half of the glass of red wine that I started with. I noted that Paul didn't drink any. He saw me looking, winked at me and quipped, "I'm driving and transporting far too precious a cargo tonight to even consider drinking."

As the dessert course was cleared away and the coffee was served, Lorraine leant closer to me and conspiratorially said, "So is it true that you are going back to London and won't be around for a while?"

I nodded, "I'm afraid so. I was only staying here to get some inspiration for some new songs. I'm heading back on Sunday."

"Will you be back down here again?" she asked.

I shrugged, "I'm not really sure. I guess I might be."

She sighed, "Such a shame. You know my son is looking for a wife and I have to say, of the few potentials I have met in recent years, you are by far the loveliest and the most charming."

I didn't know what to say but was spared from immediately replying by Paul's intervention. "Mum!" he groaned, "Please! Don't embarrass both Cara and me. I've told you that we're just friends."

She gave Paul a knowing look, "Yes of course dear. So pray tell, what is wrong with this lovely girl that you wouldn't consider her in such a regard."

He looked even more uncomfortable now and I was glad he was on the receiving end of the questions and not I. He sighed, "She is beautiful, charming, intelligent, witty…," he paused and then shrugged before continuing almost resignedly, "Yes you are right, there is absolutely no reason why I wouldn't harbour such feelings about her." He looked into my eyes and smiled apologetically.

Lorraine turned to me. She really was unrelenting, "So Cara my dear, what do you think of my darling son?"

I paused and then smiled, "I think Paul is one of the most handsome and wonderfully charming men I have ever had the pleasure of keeping company with." This was quite true. But it wasn't enough for her.

"So?" she said encouraging me.

I shrugged awkwardly, "Well, it's just that our lives are going in different directions at the moment…"

She sighed, "Such a shame."

Thankfully we were spared further torture as the band started and people began to get up to dance. Paul seized the moment and stood up, "Would you care to dance Cara?"

"I'd love to," I gratefully accepted and he led me to the dance floor.

As we began to waltz, Paul apologised, "Cara I'm so sorry. I must apologise for my mother. She was even worse than usual tonight. I've never seen her so bad."

I laughed, "Paul your mother is a darling. From what I can see, she just adores her son and is doing her best to fix him up. I like her."

He smiled sheepishly, "I think that I'm not the only one that she adores too. She has taken a real shine to you." He paused before admitting softly, "And she's not the only one."

"Oh Paul," I said squeezing his hand. I didn't really know what else to say. I began to relax and enjoy the dancing. From being so foreign to me a few weeks ago, it seemed so natural now. Even though I was in my near-stiletto high heels, in Paul's arms I was able to dance quite freely. We enjoyed several dances before in a brief pause, we were interrupted. It was Paul's father.

"Now Paul, don't think you are going to monopolise this beautiful young woman all night. Move aside and let me show her how to really dance."

Paul laughed and gave his father a playful punch on the shoulder, "Alright Dad, but I want her back soon you hear."

Ronald waved him off with a smile and turned to me. He bowed and said, "May I have the pleasure?"

I laughed, curtsied and replied, "Why yes indeed." It was a Foxtrot and I realised that Paul had taken after his father in another way also. His father was quite the expert dancer too. Whilst not quite as nimble on his toes as Paul, he had quite a few extravagant moves to demonstrate.

"You're a lovely girl Cara and the last few weeks I've seen Paul a lot happier, if slightly more distracted, than I've seen him in a long time. You make a lovely couple. Now that's all I'm going to say as I'm sure my wife has already said far too much."

I laughed at him and looking up blinked a few times feeling embarrassed, "Thank you."

He laughed, "Oh my. Don't look at me that way girl. Now if I was 30 years younger," he paused and winked looking over his shoulder, "…and not married…" He laughed. So did I.

Paul sent his father packing after a few dances and when we started to dance again he was curious to know what his father had said. I told him. He laughed, "The old dog!"

As much as I wanted to dance with Paul for the rest of the night, every now and then we would be interrupted as other men, mostly Paul's colleagues, asked if they could cut in. Whilst it was flattering and intoxicating to receive so much attention, I got a little tired of making pleasant talk. Most of the men were not as good dancers as the Davis' men either. And the looks that I was attracting from their wives were a little disconcerting.

Paul rescued me as soon as possible and I whispered to him, "I just want to dance with you for the rest of the night if that's OK."

He smiled tenderly at me, "Fine by me."

As the evening was coming to a close, the last dance started. It wasn't a waltz or anything I was familiar with. In fact it seemed to be a slow dance. I noticed other partners drawing closer together and I felt my heart rate quicken. Paul smiled at me and gently pulled me closer to him. I slid my arms around his neck and felt his arms encircle my waist as he pulled our bodies together. We began to slowly sway to the music. He murmured into my ear, "Cara I wish this night would never end." Then he laughed softly, "Sorry, I know how corny that sounds."

I laughed and rested my head on one of his shoulders, "I know what you mean Paul."

We danced and held each other close. It was a special moment and I didn't think about it or rationalise it. I just enjoyed it. When the music came to an end, I raised my head and Paul smiled down at me. He leant forward and gently kissed me on the forehead and said, "Thank you so much for coming with me tonight."

I smiled, "Thank you for asking me. I really enjoyed it."

We said our goodbyes and I had to promise Lorraine I would come back to Plymouth to see her. But I think she meant for me to come back and see Paul. Ronald kissed me on the cheek and winked as Lorraine gave him a slap from behind. It was only when I got into Paul's car that I realised how tired I was. And how much my feet were hurting. I lay back in the seat and kicked off my shoes and curled up a little. Paul sat for a moment just looking at me and smiling before starting the car and driving off.

 

----------*----------

 

We drove back to Silsbury Manor in comfortable silence. It wasn't awkward at all. I buzzed the gates open and Paul stopped the car in front of the house. He smiled at me and said, "You know, you still haven't made good on your promise."

I smiled back, "And what promise is that pray tell?"

"You promised to sing and play for me and I have not yet had the pleasure."

I raised an eyebrow, "I promised that? How rash of me." I paused, "Well then, I guess you had better come in and I'll make on my promise."

It was now past midnight and I reckoned the girls were probably in bed. At least Silsbury Manor was large enough that sound was unlikely to travel. I led Paul to the music room and closed the door. Suddenly I felt shy and self-conscious. "Paul, do you really want me to sing to you, I mean I feel kind of awkward."

He took my hand, "I'd love to hear you sing, but if you really don't want to, that's OK."

How could I refuse? I sighed, smiled and sat down at the piano, taking extra care to smooth my dress. I paused for a moment. What would I play him? "Paul, what do you want me to play for you? One of my own songs? Or something you'll recognise?"

"Oh one of your own songs definitely," he replied enthusiastically as he took up a position leaning on the grand piano in front of me. I nodded and thought. Which one would I play him? Not dancing, but flying. No. I couldn't. Yet it seemed only right that he heard it first. I swallowed, took a deep breath and started in. As I played and sang, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, I tried to forget he was there and focussed on the music. I brought it to its melancholic soulful finish, "And whenever I will think or dream of you, we're not dancing, but flying."

I stopped and sat there for a moment before I could look up at him. His chin was cupped in his hand as he leant on the piano. He was looking at me intently. He didn't say anything. I felt awkward and shrugged, "Well?" I smiled unsurely.

"You're amazing," he said softly. I laughed gently and looked away, waving a hand at him. "No seriously," he continued, "your playing is fantastic, the song is as good as anything I've heard and your voice is incredible." He paused, "That song?"

I nodded, "What about it?"

"When did you write it?" he asked as he walked over to beside where I was sitting.

I hesitated before answering, "Wednesday past this week."

He nodded slowly, "I don't want to presume anything about who it is about or anything." He let his voice tail off.

I swallowed and looked down for a moment before looking up at him again. I replied softly, "It's about you Paul. It's about the wonderful time I've had with you, about the fantastic dancing and about how I'll never forget these past few weeks."

He smiled and took my hands in his and gently helped me onto my feet. "I'm really touched Cara, it's a beautiful song. Thank you." I shrugged awkwardly and looked down, but he lifted my chin gently with one of his hands. "Cara," he said softly, "may I kiss you?"

I swallowed hard and felt my stomach turn somersaults. My mind was screaming out that I couldn't kiss another man but I heard my voice betray me, "Yes Paul, I'd like that." He smiled and with his hand still gently under my chin, tilted my head up and leaned down. His lips brushed mine softly. I felt as if my legs were going to turn to jelly and it seemed like a maelstrom of different emotions flooded my body. He smiled at me and raised an eyebrow as if asking a question. I nodded and he lowered his head to mine again. This time his lips pressed against mine firmly and he put his around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. It seemed only natural so I slid my arms around his neck. He kissed me with growing hunger and as my lips parted, I felt his tongue gently probe my mouth. My head was spinning from one extreme to another. From thinking that it was all wrong, to how much I was actually enjoying it.

After a few minutes we broke apart and Paul just held me close to himself in his arms. With what looked like sadness and regret in his eyes he looked down at me, "Cara Malone, my life will be so much duller without you."

I stroked his cheek, "Oh Paul. My life has become so much richer for having met you. Let's treasure the memories of good times rather than think of the downside."

He nodded and sighed, "You're right. But I will miss you. Stay in touch and don't forget me when you're famous."

I laughed, "I won't, I promise."

He broke the embrace and went over to get something from his coat. He came back with a little box shaped item wrapped in silver paper. He handed it to me shyly.

"What's this?" I asked curiously.

He smiled, "It's a little Christmas present for you."

My hand flew to my mouth, "Paul, I didn't get you anything. I'm so sorry. I never thought."

He shrugged, "You don't need to get me anything." He paused, "Sure you gave me the gift of this lovely song." With a wink he continued, "Plus you can send me a signed copy of your top selling album when it comes out."

I laughed, "I'll do that." I eagerly opened the wrapping paper to find a little black box. I opened it and inside was an exquisite pair of diamond stud earrings. I gasped, "Paul, they're absolutely lovely. You shouldn't have!"

He shrugged, "It's not much really. I just wanted to get you something to remember me by."

I hugged him, "Thank you so much Paul." We sort of stood there awkwardly then. He smiled and shifted, saying, "Well I guess this is it. I'd better be getting home." He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out some business cards, "Here, all my contact details. Make sure you stay in touch."

I took them, "I promise I will." We walked to the front door, arm in arm. He put on his coat and then turned back to me, taking me in his arms and tenderly kissed me again. "Goodbye my love," he said softly as he opened the door to leave.

"Bye Paul," I said and waved as he descended the steps. I stood there until the taillights of his car faded as he drove down the driveway. Eventually I went inside and closed the door. I walked slowly upstairs to my room. I really wasn't sure how I felt. Sad? Yes. Puzzled? Most definitely. Whilst I had revelled in the occasion of the evening, what with the glamour and the dancing, and whilst I had certainly responded to Paul's touch and kiss, I still felt perplexed. Part of me felt that it wasn't right. I certainly had feelings for Paul, but what kind of feelings? Deep down inside, I still felt that it wasn't right for me to think of such feelings for another man.

These were the thoughts whirling around inside my head as I removed my makeup, brushed out my hair and got undressed for bed. My last thought before getting into bed however was to scribble a brief note and stick it on the outside of my door: 'Don't even THINK of trying to get me up for a run or aerobics or the like!! Love Cara.'

 

----------*----------

 

 

 

CHAPTER 8

 

I woke some time after 11a.m. the next morning and, after languishing on in bed for a while, got up and had a relaxing shower. When I came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, I went into my bedroom and dropped the towel. I surveyed my body in the full length mirror. Over the past week or so, I had thought I had noticed some changes and I was right. My skin did seem noticeably softer. Whether that was just the good care I was taking of it with the moisturising, or whether it was the hormones I didn't know. But more than that, my figure had changed. I had put on a little weight. This was not a bad thing given how scrawny I had been. I put that down to the good healthy eating over the last month. And my muscles were better toned which was undoubtedly a result of the exercise program that Beth had ruthlessly inflicted on us. Also I had a really nice all over tan now and I had very visible tan lines which would not be going away in a hurry. I think I looked healthier than I had ever looked in my life. I certainly felt that way. But there were more changes. I wasn't wearing my corset yet I could see the definite shaping of a more feminine waistline and I wasn't sure if it was my paranoia, but I think my hips and bottom were fuller also. Another thing I had noticed was some discomfort under my breast forms. If I pressed the forms tighter against my skin, it was quite tender. I made a mental note to mention this to Beth or Jools.

I decided to try a more casual look that day. I dressed in a bra, no corset today, a simple white blouse and my pair of denim jeans over brown ankle boots. I kept my makeup simple and understated. I brushed my hair and tied it behind my head in a ponytail. I surveyed my appearance in the mirror. I was very pleased. I had been worried that I had to dress ultra-feminine in skirts and dresses with lots of makeup in order to convincingly appear as a woman. But looking back at me in the mirror was evidently a pretty girl. The jeans were quite tight-fitting with some flaring at the bottoms of the legs. They looked very fetching. Whilst the crotch looked flat, it did feel a little uncomfortable, even though I was wearing my gaff to keep my privates out of harm's way. I popped my hoop earrings into my ears and the little diamond studs that Paul had given me into the other holes.

I went down to the kitchen to find Jools and Beth chatting over a cup of coffee. "Well at last the party girl decides to join us," Jools quipped.

I stuck my tongue out at her, "I need some coffee."

Beth poured me a cup and commented, "That's the first time I've seen you wearing your jeans. You know you look really good in them."

"Thanks," I replied with a smile as I eagerly took the proffered coffee from her. Still standing before them I continued, "Notice anything else different about me?"

Beth wrinkled her brow, "Oh new earrings?" She came over and looked at the diamond studs, "Very nice."

I nodded, "Well yes. Not what I meant but yes. Paul gave them to me as a present." As the whistles and comments started up I held up my hand, "Now leave that for a moment, all in good time. But do you notice anything else different about me? My figure?"

Jools shook her head, "No you look great as always. What are you getting at?"

I smiled, "I'm not wearing a corset today."

They both raised their eyebrows and Beth grinned, "Well where did you get that waist from then honey?"

I shrugged, "Well, I guess it's the hormones."

They both wanted to see. So although it was a little undignified, I unbuttoned my jeans and slipped them down my hips a little and lifted up my blouse. "My oh my," mused Jools, "you do indeed have your own waist now. Any other effects you've noticed?"

I explained about my skin being softer and that I thought my hips and bottom were fuller. They agreed but emphasised that they were by no means too big. I also mentioned about being a little tender under my breast forms. Jools nodded, "Hmm, well you have had them on for about a month now. It probably is time to remove the adhesive and give your skin a breather and we can check you out. Do that tonight?" I nodded my assent.

I sat down and helped myself to a croissant as I sipped my coffee. Then the inquisition began and my two interrogators made me recount every detail of the previous night. They roared with laughter as I told them about Paul's mother and her comments. And they smirked when I told them about all the men dancing with me. I became more hesitant as I came towards the details of the end of the evening.

"Well?" Jools prompted.

"Well what?" I replied.

She sighed, "Well, did he kiss you? Or do you want to keep such details to yourself."

I grinned and they both nodded. "He did kiss you," said Beth.

I nodded slowly, "Yes, he did. I sang one of my new songs for him and afterwards he kissed me."

Jools smiled and probed gently, "How did you feel about it?"

I shrugged and answered honestly, "Confused mainly. I mean I guess it was nice. It was exciting and I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest." I paused, "Yet I felt uncomfortable. It felt strange, sort of wrong. I don't think it felt right overall."

Beth nodded sympathetically, "Well it was sort of your first real kiss. Well as a girl anyway. Maybe it's just because it's so new."

I nodded, "Perhaps, but I don't think so. I think I need to be careful."

Jools nodded too and laid a hand on my arm, "You're right of course. You have to be very aware of the effect you will have on men. In their eyes you are extremely desirable and if you are uncomfortable with physical contact, I think you are wise to be cautious." She paused, "I mean you know better than either of us how a man thinks, but a lot of men are going to want to do more than kiss you." She gave me a knowing look.

I swallowed and nodded. I understood her perfectly and I resolved to be far more careful. I was going to have to make sure I didn't lead men on, as I wasn't prepared to go where they might think I was leading.

Beth cocked her head, "Which song did you sing him out of interest?"

I paused, "Err 'Not dancing, but flying'."

Jools perked up, "'Not dancing, but flying'? I haven't heard that one yet. Come on, drink up your coffee and let us hear it."

I did as instructed but as we made our way to the music room and as I sat down at the piano, I felt a certain reluctance. It was an intense song and as they heard it, they may think it contradicted some of the words I had just shared with them at the table. Nonetheless, I played it for them and didn't hold back on the emotion.

"Wow," said Beth, "It's no wonder he kissed you. In fact, I'm surprised he didn't ask you to marry him!"

Jools looked at me appraisingly, "Is that song, really an expression of how you feel?"

"Well yes. And no," I replied hesitantly. "I don't really know. The song seems right, the reality is a little hazier. It's confusing, but heck, irrespective of how I feel about real life, does this sort of sentiment seem wrong for me to convey as a singer and an artist? If you can follow what I mean?"

Jools nodded slowly, "I think I get you. Looking and listening to you, the song seems perfectly understandable."

I wanted to change the subject, "Moving on – one thing Paul's gift reminded me about was that it is Christmas in like four days time and I haven't bought my family any presents. So how about a little shopping trip?" This met with all round approval.

 

----------*----------

 

We certainly did shop! Town was very busy, but we battled on manfully. No that sounds wrong. OK, we battled on womanfully. I eventually got the presents sorted out. And of course, we did happen to drift into a few clothes stores and yes, I did get tempted and give in and buy more clothes. I bought a narrow black below-knee length skirt and a cuddly chunky red roll-neck jumper. I wanted to expand my range of 'not-too-sexy' clothes. Perhaps it was the buying of presents for my family that had put me into this frame of mind again. When we got back, we were all exhausted and after vegging out in front of the TV for a while, I decided to get an early night as I was still tired from the previous night out.

When I got up on Sunday morning, I was very aware that this was my last day at Silsbury Manor. Jools and I were planning to leave for the drive back up to London around tea-time. I went to Church with the girls as usual and felt much more at home and relaxed this time. Mabel made a delicious Sunday lunch and afterwards, as we were all reeling from having eaten too much, I handed out some Christmas presents. I gave Mabel some perfume, conservative of course, and Sam a bottle of aftershave. Mabel clucked and fussed and with a lot of 'thank you me dear's and 'you shouldn't have's gave me a big hug and told me she would miss having me around. Sam gave me a peck on the cheek and thanked me. I then gave the girls their presents. They opened them after some token scolds that I shouldn't have gone to such trouble. There were a lot of gasps as they opened them. Jools held up the fine gold chain and exclaimed how much she adored it. Beth slipped on her bracelet and pronounced similar sentiments. There was a lot of hugging and it did seem like it was the end of an era. There were a few tears all round, mine included.

They helped me pack, thankfully. I borrowed a large and a small suitcase and we managed to get my now extensive wardrobe packed into them. What with all my clothes, shoes, boots, cosmetics, jewellery, hair brush and hair dryer, I was leaving Silsbury Manor a lot more heavy laden than when I had arrived just over a month before. It was surprising given that when I had arrived, I had nothing more than the clothes I was wearing. And my music equipment! I had to get it all packed up too. Fitting everything into Jools' car was a tight squeeze but we managed it. After a quick bite to eat and with a lot more hugging and a few more tears, Jools and I said our goodbyes to Beth.

Beth wiped a few tears from her eyes. "You take care of yourself Cara Malone," she said tenderly as she hugged me, "Just remember that you are beautiful and charming. You're a lovely woman and to be honest, it doesn't matter whether you are successful or not, because that won't change the person you've become."

 

----------*----------

 

Neither Jools nor I said much for the early part of our journey. Beth's parting words to me had certainly struck home with me. I had started to think she was right. It was terrifying but also liberating. I had been fearful of not getting the record deal and having gone through everything over the last four weeks for nothing. But I realised that Beth was right. It would not be for nothing. To say that would be to cheapen all that we had done and achieved, all the good times we had enjoyed. I couldn't remember a time before in my life when I felt as good about myself as I did now. This was liberating in that I could go to Sony tomorrow and if I was rejected so be it. For the first time in my inauspicious career to date I didn't have the gut wrenching fear of being turned down yet again. But on the other hand, this was also quite terrifying. Because the thoughts that had been crystallising in my mind were now quite clear. What would I do if we didn't land the big deal? Give up and go back to being Nick? I now knew that I didn't want to do that. Well not at the moment anyway. For now I wanted to be Cara, I liked who I was and I loved the music I was making. If we failed tomorrow, we would try again; Cara would try again. This brought its own difficulties. I now accepted that no matter what happened the next day at Sony, within three days I was going to have to face my family and somehow try to explain things to them. I had no idea what I was going to say and the thought of it sent a freezing chill through my body. I must have shuddered outwardly because Jools noticed.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she asked.

"Mmm?" I murmured coming back to the present, "Oh right yes." I shrugged, "Oh you know, I was just thinking about telling my family about all this." I gestured to myself.

Jools nodded, "Well don't worry about it yet. I mean, depending on tomorrow, if things don't go too well, which I'm sure they will though, but if they didn't, you wouldn't have to tell them."

I looked at her and gave a wry smile, "Jools, tell me do you honestly think that if things go badly tomorrow that I can just switch back to being Nick within 48 hours? Seriously, do you think I can make myself look masculine again just like that?" Before she got a chance I cut in again, "Alright before you say it, I guess I never really looked masculine, but what I'm saying is, I think I'd find it hard to convince people I was really a man, don't you?"

Jools smiled, "You may be right, but we could work something out, don't worry about it."

I gave a little laugh, "Jools, I'm not worried about going back to being Nick." I hesitated, "Well because I don't think it's on the agenda whatever happens."

She nearly swerved the car into the roadside verge. I think I must have caught her off guard, "Cara, what are you saying? Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

I nodded, "Yes. It's taken me a while to realise it, but even if things don't work out tomorrow, I still want to be Cara. For the meantime anyway."

"Wow," she said her eyes agog, "this is a biggie!"

I nodded and tried to explain to her the way I had been feeling over the past few weeks and how happy I had been and was still. I think she understood. Explaining it to someone else helped me work through it too. However I doubted other people, namely my family, would be as understanding.

We chatted amiably for the rest of the journey and it was about 9 p.m. when we eventually arrived back at Jool's apartment. The unpacking and lugging in of all our stuff was painful and tedious. At last we got all the stuff in. I now filled the wardrobe in the spare room which I was occupying. I knew all my 'Nick' stuff was in one of the storerooms downstairs, but there was nothing there I could think of that I wanted.

After we had settled down and had a cup of tea, I reminded Jools that we were going to sort out my breast forms. I had been too tired the previous evening to be bothered. I slipped off my blouse and bra and Jools eased the adhesive solvent under the edges of the breast forms. She gently worked it in and slowly bit by bit, we managed to lift the forms off. To say it was a weight off my shoulders would be a terrible pun, but also true. However I felt strange and unbalanced without the now familiar weight of my breasts on my chest.

As Jools put the solvent away, I inspected myself. "Err Jools?" I called, "Come and have a look."

She turned around, looked over at me and her eyebrows shot up, "Wow, no wonder you have been a little uncomfortable and tender."

As I looked down I nodded, "Yes I guess this explains it." As I looked down I could see two fairly prominent mounds on my chest. Where before I had been flat, I now had developing breasts and my nipples were much larger. And very sensitive as I discovered when I gently rubbed them. "I guess these hormones really are doing their business on me," I mused.

Jools put a hand on my arm tentatively, "Cara, well are you OK? I mean to be honest, I didn't think the hormones would work this much in this time. I don't know if you are particularly sensitive to them or something. Do you like what you see?"

I looked up at Jools. I was amused at her concern, "No, I'm not quite happy Jools." I saw the growing concern in her eyes. I winked, "They're not really big enough for me yet."

She looked at me for a moment before smiling and slapping me lightly on the arm, "Are you sure? I mean this is serious."

I thought for a moment and nodded slowly, "After what we talked about in the car, I can't help but be happy with how things are going. I mean if I say I am committed, I'm going to have to back up my words with actions." I think this was the first point that a certain idea came to me. Something I would have to pursue and think about. But more of that later.

I slipped my blouse on, and said my goodnights to Jools. In my room, I gently rubbed some moisturiser cream into my breasts. My breasts. Strange. But nice. I slipped on my nightdress and shivered at the sensations of the silky material caressing my sensitive nipples. It had been an exhausting day and I didn't lose any sleep over the thought of the meeting the next morning.

 

----------*----------

 

I woke early the next morning in anticipation of the day ahead. It was just before 7 a.m. I got up quietly and headed into the bathroom and had a relaxing foamy bath and washed and conditioned my hair. I dried off and wrapping a towel round me, headed back to my room. I met a bleary-eyed Jools on her way to the bathroom. She gave me a sleepy hug and asked me if I needed any help getting ready. I shook my head and assured her I would be OK but that I would appreciate her opinion on the final look.

Back in my room, I began to get dressed. Although I was pleased with my new-found natural waistline, I decided I would go for the full enhanced look and put on my corset, slipping my breast forms into the cups. I tightened the corset viciously to get my waist as narrow as possible. I was determined that today Mr. Simon Andrews was going to see as 'marketable' an image as he had ever seen in his life to date. I slipped on a pair of black silk patterned stockings and attached them to the suspenders on my corset. I revelled in the lovely sensation of wearing stockings. As strange as it had been at first, I had quickly grown to love the feeling. I could understand why women would say they feel sexier when wearing stockings. There is something deliciously sexy about it and I was going for unashamedly sexy today. I pulled on my black Lycra body top. I clipped the bodysuit buttons closed under my crotch. It defined my 'enhanced' features perfectly and clung to my body. It had long sleeves and a polo neck top. I pulled on my black and white checked miniskirt. It was short. Mid-thigh. Of course it had to be my black suede knee-length high heeled boots.

I sat down at the dressing table and blow-dried my hair. I added a lot of hairspray and tried to give my hair as much body as possible. My hair was fuller and thicker and was growing. Although it was lengthened by the hair extensions Beth had given me, I figured that my own natural hair was probably now coming to just below my shoulder blades. After a lot of brushing, I was happy with my hair and moved to concentrate on my makeup. I carefully applied the foundation and setting powder. I delicately outlined my eyes with a kohl pencil. I was going for a slightly heavier appearance than my normal daytime makeup. After eye shadow and giving my lashes a luscious coat of black mascara, I highlighted my cheekbones with rouge. Next lipstick. I outlined my lips with a red lip pencil. Then as Beth had taught me, I painted my lips with red lipstick. I blotted and then added a final coat of gloss. I had plenty of time so I took the time to carefully paint my nails the same shade of red as my lipstick. I added some Obsession perfume, a chunky silver chain over my black polo neck top, matching silver bracelet on my right wrist and my long silver pendant earrings. I added a pair of medium sized hoop earrings into my other holes and decided that I was probably done.

I stood up, took a deep breath and turned to check myself out in the full length mirror. I was amazed at how my appearance could continue to surprise me time and time again. There was no doubt about it. I looked hot. I struck a few poses and made a few pouts. I felt very sexy and looking in the mirror, I knew I looked every bit as sexy as I felt. I felt good. Watch out Sony, here I come.

Jools was already sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me. She was smartly dressed in a navy pinstripe jacket and trouser suit over a white blouse. Her hair was pulled back from her face and her makeup was neat and understated. She smiled at me as I walked in. "My goodness, who has taken my Cara and replaced her with this sex kitten?"

I laughed and purred at her. Then more seriously, "Do I look OK?"

"OK?" she exclaimed, "You look one hundred percent drop dead sexy gorgeous."

I laughed again. "It's not too much is it? Over the top?"

She paused and shook her head, "Not at all. To be honest, Miss Cara-gonna-be-a-rock-star I doubt that you could look too sexy. Nothing would be too much. Well perhaps except full frontal nudity."

I grinned and playfully swatted her, "You look great too. Every bit the business executive."

She smiled and straightened her jacket, "One of us has to look respectable. I'm the cool-headed on-the-level agent. You're the stroppy tarty rock star."

I pouted and chuckled, "I'm not a stroppy tart."

Jools raised an eyebrow as if to say 'yeah sure', but what she said was, "Want any breakfast?"

I made a face, "Ugh no. All I think I can face is a cup of coffee."

Jools nodded, "Yes me too. I know how you feel."

After our coffee, we got ready to leave. It was now just after 9 a.m. and we had to meet Simon Andrews at the Sony building at 10. Jools had booked a taxi as she didn't want us to have to face the hassle of taking the tube this morning. And of course since we had some degree of sanity, driving ourselves into central London was totally out of the question. As a car horn honked outside, I pulled on my cropped black jacket. Jools had her 'I'm-an-executive' navy leather briefcase under her arm. We both checked our appearance in the hall mirror.

"Dressed to kill?" I murmured.

Jools sniggered, "Well I know I am, but you? More like dressed to thrill!" We grinned at each other, hugged and went out.

I was very aware of the eyes of the taxi driver moving up and down my body as we came out and got into the back of the taxi. I was fairly careful to smooth my skirt down as I got in, but not overly careful. Heck, I felt sexy. I looked good and today was all about flaunting the good about myself. I gave the driver a shy smile and had to hide my smirk as I saw him flush. Jools nudged me and hissed softly, "Stop that you!" She winked, "Save it for later." She gave the driver his instructions and he drove off.

 

----------*----------

 

As we walked into the Sony building, I felt my mouth grow dry and I began to get more nervous. What if Simon Andrews recognised me? What if they laughed at me? "Are you sure they are expecting us Jools?" I murmured.

"Of course they are. I telephoned on Friday past to confirm and I was put straight through to Simon Andrews. He remembered. He hadn't forgotten and said he was looking forward to meeting this mystery woman. I told him you were called Cara Malone. You'll do fine. And I'll handle the business side of things."

I sighed and swallowed. From the main reception, we were directed up to the 4^th floor offices. Unlike my last visit here, there wasn't long to wait. We had barely sat down, before Simon Andrews came bounding out of his office. He came over to us and we stood up. He smiled and held out his hand to me, "Miss Malone, I presume. Simon Andrews. A pleasure to meet you." I was tempted to tell him we'd already met but refrained. Instead I smiled demurely, "Mr. Andrews, so good to meet you at last."

He turned to Jools and shook her hand again, "And good to see you again Miss Carstairs." I was aware of his eyes looking me up and down. 'Take a good look buster,' I thought. He showed us into his office and made a show of pulling out the seats from the round table for us. No formally sitting behind his desk this time. He sat down beside me and laid his hands on the table. He smiled again. I thought that his jaw was going to fall off if he smiled any wider.

"Well Miss Malone, I have to say it's good to meet the mystery singer behind the disk we heard some weeks back. We were quite impressed and were keen to see if you lived up to your promise in the flesh."

I smiled back at him through half closed eyelids, "Oh Mr. Andrews, I can assure you that I can live up to my promise. But as for my flesh? I'm flattered by your interest, but I thought I was here to talk about my singing?"

Jools gave a half cough, half choke. Simon Andrews went beet red and looked a little flustered, "Ah well, I mean, that's not what I was saying." He looked away and then looked back, "It was just a turn of phrase…" He saw the amused smile on my face and said, "You're teasing me."

I gave a little laugh, "I would never presume to tease someone as important as you."

He regained his composure and the smile returned, "Ah now you're flattering me. Now, where were we? Ah yes. Your demo was very interesting and we would be keen to consider possibilities. On the demo you were singing cover versions. Certainly the vocal performance was very good as was the instrumentation, but we were wondering whether you perform original material or whether you would be considering trying some songs written by others?"

I nodded, "Oh I would plan on singing my own material. I've written several songs."

His smile grew wider, "Really? Well this is promising. Now of course, I'd be very keen to hear some of the material and to hear you sing in the…to sing live I mean, but we can proceed to that shortly."

He sat back and paused for a moment before smiling expansively, "Miss Malone, I have to be honest and say that I think that based on what we have heard of your talent thus far, we would probably be in a position to consider offering you a recording contract. Subject to hearing you perform for us of course. What would you say to that?"

I smiled and in a measured tone replied, "Well Mr. Andrews, that's what I'm here for and certainly subject to mutual agreement of the details, it sounds like good news."

He nodded enthusiastically, "Well obviously, you'll want to consider the details in depth, but I have here the outline summary of the deal we have on the table." He handed us each a sheet of paper with several points on it. We both began to scan down it. I noticed Jools nodding at points and I tried to take it in.

Jools spoke, "Mr. Andrews, it seems like most of the details are reasonable and it looks like a fairly standard contract…"

"Hold on Jools," I interrupted gently, "I'm not sure I'm totally happy with all of it." Jools fired me a glance as if to say 'what are you doing?' but I gave her the 'trust me' glance in return.

Simon Andrews smiled beneficently at me and in an almost patronising tone asked, "What seems to be the problem Miss Malone?"

I smiled sweetly at him, "Well certainly it appears fine in most details, but this is only a deal for one album and then to be renegotiated thereafter. I really am looking for a longer-term outlook. Now if it could be amended to a deal for at least two albums it would be much more acceptable." I sensed Jools shifting in her seat but ignored it as I focussed my attention on Simon Andrews.

He smiled, "Now Miss Malone, unfortunately for a new artist with an unknown pedigree, this would be the standard deal in most circumstances."

"In most circumstances?" I pressed.

"Well yes. Occasionally there might be an exception and a longer deal offered at the outset."

"Why would such exceptions be made?"

He looked a little uncomfortable, "Well if we felt the artist showed exceptional talent and we were keen to ensure a mutually profitable long term relationship with the artist, I guess we might make such an offer."

I smiled again and softly, "So if the artist showed exceptional talent such a deal could be offered?" I raised an eyebrow. Jools looked like she was going to swallow her tongue, but to her credit she tried to remain outwardly composed. I knew she was going to roast me afterwards though.

Simon Andrews laughed a little nervously, "Oh Miss Malone, I don't doubt you have exceptional talent. Let me say that your talent is as yet unproven. Unfortunately this is the deal that I am authorised to offer you."

I nodded, "Ah. So you would need someone else to authorise the deal I am seeking? I don't mean to pressure you Mr. Andrews but I am determined to aim for long-term success and I'm afraid I'm going to have to be insistent on this point."

He forced a smile, "Alright. Look, let me go and talk to someone and I'll see what I can do for you." He stood up and went into an anteroom just off his office. He left the door ajar.

"What are you playing at?" Jools hissed. "Are you trying to blow the deal?"

"No," I hissed back, "But for all I have gone through for this and am going to have to go through, we're going to get it right or not do it at all. If it doesn't work out, we can try elsewhere. Now shush, let's see if we can hear what he is saying."

Jools threw her hands up and nodded, "OK."

We listened carefully: he was on the phone. "Ah yes, Mr. Johnston. I've got Cara Malone here with me." "Yes, she is keen, but is asking for more than the standard deal?" "No I haven't heard her sing yet, but we were getting to that." "Yes she writes her own songs apparently." "How does she look? Well let's say, there are no problems whatsoever in that department. She would make the PR department's day, if not their year." "OK, well that's probably not necessary…" "Right, we'll wait for you. Good-bye."

We heard him set the phone down and after a brief moment, he re-entered the room and sat down at the table again. He smiled, "Well Miss Malone, it seems you are to be favoured with meeting Mr. Johnston. He's on his way down to meet you and wants to hear you sing for him."

I raised an eyebrow, "Mr. Johnston, should I know him?"

"Ken Johnston, he's one of the senior executives. My boss I guess."

A few minutes later there was a little knock at the door and a slightly balding man in his late fifties entered. He had a ruddy complexion with a lot of laughter lines around the eyes. He walked over to the table. He acknowledged Simon with a wave and a nod. Turning his attention to us, he smiled expansively, "Well ladies, good to meet you, I'm Ken Johnston." He held out his hand to Jools, "Ms. Carstairs I presume." Jools shook his hand and inclined her head, "Mr. Johnston, nice to meet you."

He turned to me and smiled, "And this must be the delightful Miss Malone that Simon here has been raving about to me." He extended his hand. I cast a quick glance to Simon Andrews who looked as if he was about to protest but he didn't say anything. I delicately held out my hand and shook his hand, and in a soft voice, "Mr. Johnston, it's a pleasure."

He raised an eyebrow, "Ah, you're Welsh I take it from your accent?"

"I am indeed." I immediately took a liking to this man. He was sincere and had a warmth about him.

Mr. Johnston clapped his hands together, "Now what's say we go up to one of the studios on the 10^th floor and get you to put your Welsh voice into action?"

We agreed and he held the door open for us. He led us to the elevators with Simon Andrews in tow. On the tenth floor we entered a small studio which had a piano, keyboard, various guitars, a drum kit, microphone and small P.A. system. It was obviously a performance studio rather than a recording studio. There was no recording equipment to be seen.

"Now," Mr. Johnston said enthusiastically, "Why don't you just fire ahead and play us some songs. We'll just sit over here by the side and listen."

I nodded and smiled nervously, "Umm alright." I went to the piano and adjusted a microphone to the right height. I made sure the P.A. was on and tested the sound level of the microphone and added a little reverb to the vocal channel. I sat down at the piano and played a few test chords to get the feel of the keyboard's action. It was a delightful Yamaha baby grand piano with a good action and lovely tones. For a moment I almost had a blank as I didn't know what song to play. I took a deep breath, and started into 'Nine years old again'. I used the nervousness and adrenaline to my best advantage and tried to deliver the best performance I could. I didn't look at my audience. I just focussed on the music, the song, the moment. I gave it a good shot and I think I did all right. But I wanted to keep going with the adrenaline flow so without looking over at the three seated at the edge of the room, I started straight into 'I just wanna be me'. I was beginning to feel a little more at ease and relaxed as I played the by now familiar jazzy chords. I started to look over at my 'audience' more and try to engage them in the performance. The lyrics of the song lent themselves to this and I would smile, cock my head, even pout at times:

"I'm dreamin' my own dreams, not fulfilling yours,

I'm throwing off the bonds, I'm gonna be free,

I'm releasing my true spirit, a spirit that endures

Cos I just wanna be me."

 

I finished and stared straight ahead of myself for a moment or two before looking over at Jools and the two men. Jools smiled me an encouraging smile and I smiled back at her. The two men were smiling too. Mr. Johnston got up and walked over to me. He put a gentle hand on my left shoulder and said, "Well Miss Malone, you have a great voice and I thoroughly enjoyed those songs. I think you show a lot of promise. Would you mind indulging me some though? Do you have any other songs you could play for us? Maybe two more?"

I smiled and nodded, "Certainly Mr. Johnston." He smiled and returned to his seat. I paused for a moment to compose myself and began the introduction of 'Not dancing, but flying'. I was beginning to love this song. Yes it was essentially a soft romantic ballad, but I knew it was a darn good one.

"And whenever I will think or dream of you, We're not dancing, but flying." I stopped, looked over at them and smiled. I thought they looked impressed, or rather I was hoping they were. I cleared my throat, "For the next song, I think I'll need to play it on the guitar." I selected the timeless Fender Stratocaster and adjusted the strap. I checked the amplifier and played a few test chords. On the effects rack, I added a mild distortion and a little chorus effect. Happy with the sound, I started into the rocky chords of 'No half measures'. With guitar in hand, microphone in front of me, I felt the buzz of live performance come over me. I really began to enjoy myself as I let rip with all I had for the final chorus:

"For when you feel it's over and there's no point going on,

Is when you realise what is chaff and what're your treasures,

But if there's half a chance of making it, join me in this song,

Let's kick down the ever-closing doors – no half measures!"

 

I finished on the requisite power chord and allowed the sound to gradually diminish in a distorted haze. I stood up, smiled and winked at my audience and said, "Thank you and good night."

Mr. Johnston laughed and got to his feet and applauded, "My dear, you are extremely talented and I'm sure Simon here will be able to work out a mutually acceptable deal with you both. I think you have a great future here and I'm already looking forward to hearing your first album. But I have one question for you."

"Sure," I said almost breathlessly, "ask away."

He winked, "Where have you been all these years up to now?"

I grinned and furiously thought how to answer. The truth wouldn't do: well Ken, I used to be a guy but wasn't getting anywhere. I smiled at him and winked back, "Where have I been? Waiting for this moment Mr. Johnston is the answer."

He laughed and didn't ask anything further. He and Simon led the way back to the elevator. Jools nudged me and whispered, "You were awesome! And you should have heard what they said about you."

"What did they say?" I whispered back.

She grinned, "Ken lent over to Simon and said 'She's gorgeous, she's sexy, she's a fantastic singer and the songs are damn good. Sign her up OK?'"

I chewed my lip and stifled a little gasp and hissed, "They really said that?"

Jools giggled softly, "No, they said you're boot ugly and couldn't sing to save your life." She saw my feigned pout, "Seriously, straight up, they loved you."

Mr. Johnston left us at the elevator after shaking our hands again. Back in Simon Andrew's office, we sat down again at the round table. He smiled, "Well Miss Malone, Miss Carstairs. I've managed to persuade Mr. Johnston that we should make an exception for you with the contract offer. I'm now in a position to amend the deal for at least two albums. How's that?"

Whilst I'm sure both Jools and I knew that it wasn't really his decision, it seemed prudent to appear grateful. Jools nodded and smiled, "Thank you Mr. Andrews, we appreciate your efforts on our behalf. We're sure you won't be disappointed."

He nodded and smiled, "From what I've heard this morning, I share your hopes Miss Carstairs. Now I'm presuming that you will want some time to peruse the finer details of the contract. One thing to clarify though: will you be requiring session musicians or do you have your own band?"

Jools fired a questioning glance at me. I nodded and paused briefly before speaking, "Err well I'm in the middle of putting my own band together at the moment."

He nodded, "OK, so will the contract be with yourself as the solo artist or with a band?"

Jools took over, "The contract will be with Cara Malone and we will sort out the sub-contractual details with the band."

He nodded again, "That should be fine. Assuming completion of the contract, our standard advance against the first album would be £100,000 with some expenses for music equipment on top of that. Would that be satisfactory?"

I tried to keep my composure and tried to stop my eyes popping out of my head. I calmly nodded and Jools did the same as she replied, "That should be adequate." Adequate? One hundred grand? I could hardly believe it. It brought the pressure to succeed back into focus.

"One more question for now," Simon Andrews continued, "If we could meet early in the new year to try to finalise the contract, how long after that do you think it would be before you would be ready to enter the studio?"

I chewed my lower lip. I needed to give myself time to find my currently non-existent band. I replied hesitantly, "I think about three months to be honest. I want to have the band well practised and rehearsed and work on some more material." I paused briefly and came up with a further reason that I though would appeal to him more, "After all, I don't want to waste expensive recording time on practising or writing new material." That did the trick as he nodded in agreement.

"Well then," he said with a smile and extending his hand to me again, "Here's to a long and successful relationship."

I smiled and shook his hand as did Jools. He ushered us out and wished us a Merry Christmas and told Jools to ring his secretary after Christmas to arrange an appointment to finalise the contract.

It wasn't until Jools and I hit the street outside and walked a few hundred yards away that we let our guard down. She turned to me and grinned before hugging me in a big bear hug and squealed, "We did it, oh my but we have done it!" I laughed and hugged her back as the tension began to fade, "I know, I can hardly believe it. Is it real?"

"It most definitely is. I have the papers in my case to prove it. And the promise of a hundred grand!"

I smiled and we paused on the pavement, I mused, "I don't think he suspected anything, I mean I don't think he made the connection between Cara and Nick."

Jools laughed, "Oh you connected with him all right I'd say, but not in that way."

We walked on and tried to find somewhere for lunch. I had an appointment with Dr. Carson that afternoon. Just as I relaxed from one ordeal, I had another trial to face.

 

----------*----------

 

Dr. Janice Carson's consulting rooms were in Harley Street of course. As we walked up the steps to the classically stylish Georgian town house, I murmured to Jools, "This isn't going to be cheap is it?"

She grinned at me, "Well no, but it'll not put too much of a dent in a hundred grand."

I gave the receptionist my name and after about 10 minutes sitting in the waiting room, a well-dressed lady in a white coat came out. She looked to be in her late forties, but had obviously kept herself in good shape. She came over to us and we stood up. She hugged Jools, "Julie, so good to see you again." She turned to me and smiled as we shook hands, "And this must be your friend, Cara." She turned to Jools and raised her eyebrows, before turning back to address me, "Well Cara, why don't you come on in. Julie, you don't mind waiting here do you? I think it would be more appropriate." Jools shrugged and nodded but looked a little ill at ease, "Uhh, sure Dr. Carson."

She led me into her consulting room. It was spacious, well lit and tastefully furnished. She indicated a seat on one side of her desk and she sat down opposite me. She looked intently at me and then smiled and shook her head before speaking, "You know, if I wasn't aware of the nature of your referral here, I have to say, I wouldn't suspect a thing. Are you sure Julie has your details correct? This isn't a little joke of hers, is it?"

I laughed, "It's not a joke and I'm flattered, thank you. But she was correct, I am...or rather I guess I was...well I don't know really." I paused and tried again, "I used to be Nick and now I'm Cara." I shrugged, "It's sort of complicated."

She nodded sympathetically, "I understand. Do you want to tell me about yourself?" And so I began to tell her about myself. I had decided that the bare bones truth was not going to be good enough any more. So I told her about growing up, being teased, called pretty boy. I told her about how I didn't seem to fit in with most of my male peers and how I was often a little isolated. This was true, but a lot of it was self-imposed as I was so absorbed in my music. She asked about my family. I assured her I had a good relationship with my family and there were no problems there. Although when she asked if they knew about the changes taking place in my life, I guess I was obviously uncomfortable. She sensitively moved on and said we could talk about that later.

I moved on to tell her about the recent years living in London and struggling to make it as a musician. I told her about my lack of fulfilment and my discontent with my life. She asked about relationships. I told her that I hadn't had many and to be honest had only had one girlfriend. She gently asked if I had any experiences with men. I was quite hesitant, but told her that I had not had any before I was Cara but had kept company with a man in recent weeks. I tried to tell her I wasn't quite clear on my feelings about that at the moment.

She asked me about what had prompted me to pursue this change in my life. I explained that it was a combination of everything that had happened so far and how Jools and I had chatted one day and she had persuaded me to let her try something new. I told her about how she had helped me dress and did my make up. She asked how I felt when I saw myself in the mirror. I paused. I told her I felt enthralled. This was true however I also added more, probably reading back my current feelings more into that day and told her that I felt whole and more complete than I had ever been. I said it felt like a light had been switched on in a dark room and as Jools and I had chatted about it, I knew I had to try living as a woman to explore this more. This was an embellishment of the truth, but I knew that if I was going to proceed down this line, I had to be convincing. Jools and I hadn't talked about this. I think Jools felt that this all had to come from me. In a sense, I knew that what I had said was true, but I don't think I really realised this until more recently. Dr. Carson nodded and had been taking some notes, "Well Cara, I think I can understand what you have been telling me. You certainly seem to have thought about what you are doing and seem to be sure about this path you have started on. And whilst it has been a relatively short time that you have been exploring this, I have to say that as I look and listen to you I have little doubt that you are correct. May I perform a brief physical examination?"

I nodded and she led me to a couch, she handed me a blue gown and asked me to remove all my clothes and cover myself with the gown. She pulled a curtain around me and gave me a few moments. I made myself comfortable on the couch and she came back round the curtain and began. She took a lot of basic measurements first: temperature, pulse, blood pressure and weight. She then listened to my heart and lungs. She seemed a little taken aback as she looked at my developing breasts (I had removed the breast forms when I got changed).

"Well, things have been changing here! Are you sure you only took the prescribed dose of hormones and no other hormones?"

"Yes, I had the booster shot and then one tablet a day for about the last four weeks. They just finished this morning."

She raised her eyebrows, "You do seem sensitive to the effects. Usually I would not expect this degree of feminisation after this short a period of time." She paused and looked at me with some concern, "When I gave the hormones to Julie, reluctantly I must admit and due to her persuasion, I at least took some comfort in the fact of there being little significant change and none that would be irreversible. However, you have progressed somewhat beyond that. How does that make you feel?"

I could sense she was worried about how I would react. I answered truthfully, "Dr. Carson, I'm quite happy with the changes for the most part."

"Go on," she encouraged.

I swallowed and figured I had better be truthful, "Well I'm happy with the changes so far and I was surprised by the development in my breasts, but I guess it just sort of made me wish for more changes."

Dr. Carson looked a little relieved and smiled. "I see. Now do you mind if I examine you down below?"

I shook my head and she gently lifted my gown and, donning a pair of gloves, inspected my groin and privates. It took a bit of self-control to prevent me from embarrassing myself but I managed it. She replaced the gown and nodded. "Awkward questions time," she smiled ruefully, "Do you still get erections? And sorry to have to ask, but can you still climax?"

I think I blushed a little, "Erm, yes and yes."

She nodded, "OK. Well there seems to have been a little atrophy there, but not very significant. If you want to get dressed and come on out and take a seat again, we'll talk about the future."

I dressed quickly and took my seat again. She set her pen down and looked closely at me again. She smiled, "You know, if I hadn't seen what I've just seen behind the curtain, I have to say, I don't think I'd believe the truth. How does that make you feel?"

I laughed nervously and shrugged, "Well I don't know - pleased. Happy I guess." I paused, "I really like the way I look. It has been amazing and surprising to me, but to be sort of attractive and to look the way I do...I guess it should disturb me, but it doesn't really. Not now."

Dr. Carson arched an eyebrow, "You think you look sort of attractive?"

I blushed, "Oh I'm sorry. I'm being immodest...well I meant to look like a woman I guess."

Dr. Carson laughed, "Cara my dear, I didn't mean that you weren't attractive, what I meant was that you were kind of totally understating the truth."

I blushed further but smiled and softly said, "Oh I see...thanks."

"Now let's think about a few things. One: do you envisage yourself returning to your male identity?"

There it was. The question was posed. It almost seemed to hang there in the air before me. I paused, not because I didn't know how to answer or what the answer would be, but more because I knew the significance of my answer. "No," I simply replied.

"Are you sure?" she pressed.

"Absolutely," I affirmed.

She nodded, "Alright. Two: do you want to continue with feminisation or are you happy at how things are at present?"

Again I knew my answer, "I want to continue."

"Three: have you thought about how you want to continue?"

"Well, I sort of presumed that I would take more hormones?"

Dr. Carson nodded, "Yes that is certainly part of what I was thinking about, but I want to raise a few other specific items. Firstly, have you considered breast augmentation surgery?" She paused and then added, "As in breast implants you know."

I felt my mouth grow dry. I had thought about it a few times over the last week or so. I wasn't sure if it would have been a possibility, but I had certainly given it some consideration. I hadn't mentioned this to Jools or Beth though. "Well, yes I have thought about it."

"And?" she asked gently.

I swallowed, "I have thought quite a lot about it recently and..." I paused and then with a sort of inward ' what the hell' continued, "and to be honest, I really want my own breasts." There I said it. I had been skirting around the issue in my mind, but I knew this was the truth.

She nodded, "And would you want to go through such surgery?"

"Do you think it would be possible in my case?"

Dr. Carson smiled kindly, "Yes I do. You have shown a remarkable response to the hormones so far and will likely continue to show further response. If you wanted to proceed I would recommend that I see you in another month and reassess you then and if you still wanted to go ahead, I would refer you to an excellent surgeon."

I nodded, "That sounds good."

She grimaced slightly, "Now, I'm afraid he's not cheap."

I shook my head, "That's not a problem, but to be honest, I have to say that discretion and personal privacy is one of my highest priorities. I don't know what Jools has told you, but I am pursuing a career that may lead to me being in the public spotlight."

She nodded, "This surgeon has operated on many high profile individuals. He does an operating list in Belgium once a month at a discreet private clinic so privacy shouldn't be a problem." She paused again, "From the breast forms you wear, I see you have gone for a large bust size, D cup would I be right?" I nodded and she went on, "Would that be the size you would be aiming for?"

I shrugged and felt very embarrassed, "Well I suppose, I don't know. I guess I quite like that size."

She nodded, "To be honest, I think it suits you very well. For your height and figure it is not out of proportion at all and assuming you have some more development in response to the hormones, I don't think it would be a problem. Now let me move on to the second other item to consider." She paused again and I knew what it was going to be before she spoke, "Have you thought about gender reassignment surgery? Do you know what that is?"

My throat was really dry now. "Yes I know what that is. I have had an occasional thought about it, but I haven't given it serious consideration. I just don't know what I think about that right now and don't even know if I want to give it much thought at the moment. Sorry."

"No don't apologise at all. I'd rather you were measured and considered in your approach. I just wanted to know. I will not ask you any further about this matter, but feel free to bring it up with me at any time in future."

I nodded, "Thanks."

She smiled, "Well, nearly done now. Hormones. I'm assuming you want to continue on them. My suggestion would be another intramuscular depot injection today supplemented with a slightly higher dose of tablets each day. How do you

feel about that?"

I nodded, "I'd like that."

Once again I found myself up on the couch, this time lying face down and my skirt raised. Dr. Carson gently pulled my panties to one side and I felt the sharp sting of the needle in my buttock followed by the dull ache of the injection. When I had got myself together again, she handed me a little white bag with a bottle of tablets in it, "Take one a day. It's another month's supply and I want to see you at the end of the month if that's OK. Also I'd like to take a blood sample before you go to check your body's own hormone profile."

One blood sample later, I was ready to go. I thanked Dr. Carson for her help and went out to the waiting area again. I made an appointment with the receptionist for another month and then headed out with Jools.

"Well?" she asked, "How did it go?"

"Dr. Carson is really nice," I replied.

"I know that," she said with amusement, "So what happened?"

I shrugged, "She asked me loads of questions and seemed happy with what I told her. I got another hormone shot, more tablets, a blood test and an appointment in another month." I decided not to tell her about the other discussions regarding breast and gender reassignment surgery. Some things are still private no matter how much we had been through together. Jools didn't push it any further and as it was now mid afternoon, we hailed a cab and headed back to Jools' apartment.

----------*----------

Back at Jools' place I began to pack for my trip home for Christmas. It felt sort of unreal, but I knew that this evening I was going to have to face my sister and tomorrow, Christmas Eve, face my parents. I still wasn't quite sure what I was going to say. Although I feared my parents' reaction more, I wasn't quite sure how well my sister would take it either. She was quite conservative. It was the way we were brought up. Heaven knows I actually was quite conservative. Except for turning into a woman that is. I didn't drink to excess, didn't smoke and didn't do drugs. I had only ever had one sexual partner, Jools, and I even had felt a little guilty about that at the time. My parents didn't know about that for sure. They had suspected and had even asked, but I hadn't told them.

I thought long and hard about what way would be best to meet my sister. I was going to stay at her house in Bristol. She assumed I was driving up, but as Jools and I had discussed, that was out of the question. The chance of getting stopped by the police was slight, but if I did and all I had was Nick Evans' driving licence, the cat would be out of the bag. In fact, we had decided to sell my car. To cover the trail, I had signed the car over to Jools and she was going to sell it. We hadn't figured out what to do about my ID and we were both going to give it some thought over the holiday period. So Jools was going to leave me to the National Express bus station and I would get the 2-hour express bus leaving at 6:30pm. I was then planning on a short taxi ride to my sister Claire's house. How would it be best to look for the initial meeting?

Although it might be easier to actually appear as Nick, both Jools and I knew that would not be possible. And I decided that, even were it possible, it would not be the best thing. I would be tempted to wimp out and not tell Claire or my parents. I knew I had to though. I also decided that turning up as the sex kitten was not the best idea too. A compromise was called for. I removed the corset and breast forms and put on an A-cup bra that Jools had dug out of the deepest recesses of her wardrobe. I dressed in a white polo neck top, my slim fitting jeans and brown boots. I removed my earrings and brushed my hair back into a simple ponytail. I removed the bright red nail varnish and coated the red-brown nails with a light pink more flesh-like colour of varnish. I removed the heavy makeup from earlier and decided to forgo wearing any makeup at all. I removed the rest of my jewellery and then checked out my appearance in the mirror.

Still girl. Despite it all, I didn't really even look androgynous. My skin was too soft, my hair was too shiny and glossy and my figure still said ' woman'. I had a small but noticeable bust line, a narrow waist and slim long legs. With my long nails, my hands still looked slender and feminine. Plus after the last 4 weeks, all my mannerisms and gestures were feminine and to speak in a voice resembling 'Nick's' voice took all my concentration.

"Cara?" Jools interrupted my thoughts.

"Mmm?" I said still looking at my reflection.

"Do you think it is a good idea to remove your breast forms?"

"Why? It's not as if I don't look like a woman without them."

"I know, but well, I was just thinking, if you are going to run with the larger bust line, will it not be strange if people meet you over Christmas as you are now and then in future meet you with your swollen assets?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "I know what you mean. I hadn't planned on not wearing them really, but I need to soften the blow for Claire at least."

Jools wrinkled her nose, "And you don't need to soften the blow for your parents?"

I nodded, "I do. But I'm hoping that Claire will go ahead of me to forewarn them."

That seemed to satisfy her and I packed my things. I didn't travel as light as I once had. Clothes, cosmetics, jewellery and hairdryer - I had soon filled a medium sized case and I was only going to be away for about 10 days. Stretching out in front of me it seemed like a life sentence and I had a certain feeling of apprehension mixed with doom. I had packed the more conservative side of my wardrobe with mostly longer skirts, but I packed some of the shorter stuff too as I figured I was going to have to try and gradually introduce my family to the person I had become.

It was time to go. My feet were leaden as I put my case in the boot of Jools' car beside hers. After dropping me off she was planning to head on down to Silsbury Manor for the holidays. How I longed to tell her to drive past the bus station and take me with her, but I knew this was something I was going to have to do.

At the bus station, I paused before getting out of the car. Jools reached over and gave me a bear hug. She held on to me tightly and whispered in my ear, "I'll be thinking about you, Cara. Make sure and phone me any time you want to talk. Love you." I murmured back, "Thanks, love you too." I eventually got out of the car and carried my case to the ticket desk.

"Where to, love?" the clerk asked.

"Single express to Bristol please."

"There you go, twelve pounds fifty."

I took my ticket and found the right bus. The driver loaded my case and I climbed on and found a seat by myself. The bus was half empty and I had plenty of time to think about what I might say and how things might go. It seemed that every mile that brought me closer to Bristol made my heart speed up and I felt a growing sense of nausea. I had to fight the seemingly irresistible urge to stand up and shout to the driver to stop and let me off - which wouldn't have been the best idea given that we were halfway down the M4.

----------*----------

The taxi driver dropped me off a few houses down from my sister's townhouse at my request. I stood there on the pavement for a few minutes breathing in the chill night air. The sky was clear and the pinprick stars were winking at me. With a resolute sigh, I picked up my suitcase and walked the hundred yards to Claire's house. I climbed the front steps and rang the doorbell. I felt more nervous than I think I had ever felt in my whole life. Meeting the folks at Sony and meeting Dr. Carson paled into insignificance compared to how I felt at that moment. I caught my reflection in the glass pane beside the front door. I sighed again. I didn't resemble my former self much. A pretty girl, tired looking, but pretty stared back at me. The door opened and my sister Claire smiled curiously at me, "Hello?"

She didn't seem to recognise me. I tried to find some words to say but nothing came. I just stood there looking at her as I chewed my lower lip.She looked puzzled, "I'm sorry, can I help you?"

I forced a smile, "Hello, sis."

She leaned forward looked at me closely and wrinkled her brow, "I beg your pardon..." She cut off abruptly and, with a sharp intake of breath, her hand flew to her mouth, "Oh my god! Nick?"

 

To be continued…

  

  

  

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