No Half Measures

by Jenny Walker

© 2003

 

CHAPTER 5

 

Tuesday began much the same way as Monday had: Beth haranguing me to get out of bed to come do some exercise. But as it was raining, she was planning an aerobic session in the music room. She suggested I wear the lilac leotard that we had bought the previous day. I pulled it on, it was tight fitting and felt snug on me. I pulled my hair back into the obligatory ponytail and, with bleary eyes, made my way to the music room. Jools was already there sitting on the floor with her arms hugging her knees and a scowl on her face in between yawns. Beth grinned at us both.

"Come on ladies, when I'm done with you, you'll be bouncing out of bed each morning to get your endorphin fix from a good ol' healthy bout of exercise."

I screwed my face up and muttered, "I doubt it."

Jools swore under her breath conveying clearly her impression of the faint likeliness of this being the outcome.

Beth was not deterred, "Alright, now I know Jools has done some aerobics before, but we'll start slow and simple this morning. Let's just aim to get our muscles all stretched and loosened and then we'll do a few simple routines."

So we copied Beth in the stretching exercises she was demonstrating. I felt my muscles complaining as they were stretched outside their comfort zone. Jools didn't seem to have much bother with this. I guess it was her natural feminine suppleness: something which I was lacking. Beth noticed and came across to help me stretch my calf muscles.

She smiled down at me, "When I'm done with you Cara, you'll be doing the splits without a problem."

I laughed up at her, "I don't want to doubt your obvious talents Beth, but I think I'll just reserve judgement on that one."

Now we were ready to get going. She had us stand behind her and we all faced the mirror. She turned on the CD player. It was some sort of upbeat dance track. The sort of 'music' I usually despised and wouldn't normally listen to. But it served the purpose. She started with simple steps forwards and backwards and then to the sides. Jools and I did our best to copy her but occasionally collided with each other. It took all my powers of concentration to follow her but as time went on, it seemed to come a little more naturally. Soon Beth picked up the pace more and more until I began to feel my heart pounding in my chest. Looking in the mirror I saw Beth looking radiant with a smile on her face and I saw two red faces puffing and panting behind her. Eventually she took pity on us and slowed the pace gradually to a stop. Then she made sure we stretched our muscles again to prevent any cramp.

"That wasn't too bad, sure it wasn't?" Beth asked.

Jools and I looked at each other and grinned. Jools shrugged and grudgingly admitted, "It was OK. Better than running our guts out like yesterday."

Beth laughed, "Well, we'll try and alternate between running and aerobics and we'll have you girls fit in no time."

After breakfast and a luxurious foamy bath, I dressed in one of my new outfits. A simple white blouse and black skirt with matching hose and I slipped into my new high heels we had bought as I remembered Beth wanted me to practise in them. I found that I was able to apply my makeup in a lot less time, with better results. I guess it is just familiarity and practice. It seemed like a natural thing to do and that thought disconcerted me. I wondered if I would have felt more at ease if I had more problems adjusting to the clothes and makeup and all. I shrugged off these thoughts. It was easier for me to adjust and the quicker the better, I rationalised.

There was no sign of Beth when I got down to the music room. As tempted as I was to sit down and play on the piano, duty got the better of me. Instead I began to practice walking up and down in the heels. I still felt unsteady and unnatural in them. I made myself take smaller steps as Beth had instructed and I made myself swing my hips more. I still had to concentrate and think about what I was doing though. Up and down, back and forwards. My mind started to drift. It drifted in a direction that I didn't really want it to go in. I began to try to imagine what I was going to say to my Mum and Dad, and Claire my sister. 'Hi Mum, Dad, Claire. Guess what, I've decided to become a girl.' 'Hi Dad, what do you think of my new breasts?' 'Mum, can I borrow your lipstick?' 'Want to borrow a skirt from me Claire?' Although I sort of sniggered inwardly, it really wasn't funny. I felt a certain feeling of dread inside. Well perhaps I wouldn't have to tell them. Perhaps it would all fall through with Sony and I'd go back to being Nick. I stopped in my tracks and exhaled slowly. Go back to being Nick. I looked in the mirror. I raised my eyebrows and looked at myself. I didn't see much of Nick and the thought of going back to my previous life had surprisingly little appeal. I suppose I began to realise how empty and lifeless things had been over the last year or so. I had become so obsessed with achieving my goals that somewhere down the line I had forgotten to live each moment and enjoy life. I began to walk up and down again, but more slowly. When I thought about it, I had actually enjoyed the last few days. Perhaps it was the sense of companionship which was different to my usual loneliness. Perhaps it was the comfortable surroundings. I looked in the mirror again. Perhaps it was because I strangely felt good about myself at the moment. This was something I hadn't felt for a long time.

My reverie was interrupted by a sleazy wolf-whistle from behind me. I whirled round and saw Beth leaning on the door frame. "Way to walk, foxy girl," she drawled.

I laughed and realised that I hadn't been concentrating on my walking and that I had been walking up and down in these heels without much effort over the last half hour or so. I then realised that my feet were now sore. We did a bit more walking practice as Beth gave me an instruction here and a tip there. Again we practiced standing and sitting. We went over other feminine gestures as she patiently taught me and as I sought to imitate her. She would make me repeat everything again and again until I would do it automatically without thinking.

And so we settled into this pattern for the next few days. Morning workout: aerobics or jogging. After breakfast one day, Beth also introduced me to the sun bed they had in another of the many little rooms in the house. She gave me a little black bikini, which made me blush from head to toe the first time I tried it on. She gave me instructions on using UV skin protector lotion and how much time to spend on each side. And so a few mornings a week, I would head down to the sun bed after breakfast and then shower off afterwards. The rest of the mornings with Beth were spent practising mannerisms, speech and instruction on fashion and makeup. The afternoons were mine to play and sing. I tried to work on writing more songs and occasionally inspiration flowed, but other times it didn't. I didn't get too wired up about it when it didn't, I used the time to get more familiar with my new voice as I tried singing song after song. The evenings were spent relaxing, chatting or watching TV.

 

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It was Friday tea-time when I realised that something was afoot. As we were getting ready for dinner, Beth and Jools were whispering away to each other.

"Alright girls, what's the big secret?" I asked.

They looked at me sheepishly, both grinning. It was Jools who answered, "Well Cara, I think we all need to get out a bit. We need a bit of distraction, leisure you know. So Beth and I have a great plan which will be great fun and also will be very useful."

I rolled my eyes, "OK, go on."

Beth took over, "Ballroom dancing." I looked at her and raised my eyebrows and she went on, "There are ballroom dancing classes in the Plymouth Civic Centre tonight and we thought it would be great fun to learn, so how about we all go to the beginners class which starts tonight?"

I blinked a few times and felt my throat go dry. "Erm dancing?" I hesitated, "But I can't dance."

Jools shrugged, "I know, so it would be a good opportunity to learn. You're going to need to be able to move and dance a bit more than you can now and yes I know that ballroom dancing is hardly likely to be a major part of your stage presence, but it would be a good foundation I reckon."

I nodded slowly, "OK." Then a thought hit me, "But for ballroom dancing you like need partners. Male partners."

Beth smiled, "I know. But don't worry about it. Some people come with partners, everyone else just pairs off when they get there. It'll be fun and exciting."

I wasn't too sure. The thought of being out in public still was quite terrifying. But I supposed that I would have to overcome that fear. And the thought of dancing, and dancing with some strange man at that? My mind could barely process it. But I knew better to argue with the girls when they both set their minds on something.

And so, after dinner, we went to our rooms to get ready. I showered and changed into my rib-knit black poloneck top and my black and white check skirt. I went for my flat court shoes as I was quite sure it would be hard enough dancing in them let alone in high heels. Beth had advised me to redo my makeup and emphasise it a little more for a nighttime outing. I added more eyeliner and mascara than I had been doing. A little more rouge and a deeper red hue of lipstick. After giving my hair a good brushing and spritzing myself with perfume I checked my appearance in the mirror. I looked pretty darn hot I had to admit to myself and I felt myself get aroused again as I looked at my reflection. I shrugged, blew myself a kiss, grabbed my jacket and headed downstairs.

When we arrived at the civic centre, we followed the signs to the beginners' ballroom dancing classes and found ourselves in a medium sized hall. There were about 30 or 40 people there. I had no idea that ballroom dancing was so popular. There were some couples, but also some people obviously without partners. As I looked around the room, I appraised the other women present. There was a fair mixture of age from our age to late middle age. I took some satisfaction in noting that as far as I was concerned, I didn't think any of them were particularly better looking than I was. I permitted myself a little smile. Then I caught myself on and wondered was I becoming bitchy so soon.

Beth nudged me and murmured, "What are you thinking?" She looked at me suspiciously.

I shrugged and tried to evade the question, "Oh nothing really."

"Come on," she persisted, "I saw you looking around, I saw your little smile. Confess girl!"

I laughed and confessed to her. She grinned back at me, "Oh we have become the little madam already. But honey, you do yourself a disservice. I think it would be more accurate to say that present company included, no-one in this room comes close to you in the looks department."

I felt myself blush again and wasn't sure what to say in reply. Thankfully I was spared the difficulty as a thin wiry man who must have been in his early sixties clapped for attention.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he said. "My name is Freddy Brunswick and I will be your instructor for this class. You are all most welcome and don't worry, no prior knowledge or experience of ballroom dancing is required or even expected. Let's enjoy ourselves as we learn together."

He had an infectious sort of enthusiasm and he went on to explain what we would be doing. We were going to learn to waltz over the first 2 classes as it was one of the easier dances to pick up. He talked for a little while about the waltz and then, with a lady whom I presumed was his wife, he demonstrated the basic steps to us. Before long though, it was time for us to participate. He asked the couples to take to the floor and everyone else to find a partner if possible and join them on the floor.

I looked around nervously wondering who I could be partnered with. Jools sat for a moment and then muttered, "Stuff this, I'm off to get someone decent." And she headed boldly towards a sandy haired man who looked to be in his mid thirties. I looked over to the far side of the room and gasped. I hissed to Beth, "Look who it is over there."

She followed my gaze and grinned at me, "It's the man from the mall. Your dreamboat." I began to protest but she gave me a dig in the ribs and said, "And if I'm not mistaken he's coming this way."

Before he got over to us, Beth was propositioned by a young man with wavy brown hair and she agreed and they headed for the dance floor. The man from the mall was dressed casually in a navy blue shirt and cream slacks. I was wondering what I would say to him, but just before he got to me, I was tapped on the shoulder and I turned around to find a short, pot-bellied balding man who must have been over 50 leering at me, "Lookin' for a partner luv?" He was staring at my breasts and gave me a lewd wink. I felt mildly nauseous.

Before I could answer though, I felt a hand rest gently on my shoulder and a deep voice said, "Ah there you are darling, sorry I didn't see you at first." I turned to find the man from the mall smiling down at me, I thought I saw a little wink. I smiled at him and played along, "That's OK honey." I turned back to the little man and smiled apologetically, "I'm sorry, perhaps another time?" He shrugged, sniffed and continued his quest for a partner.

I turned back to my new partner and smiled shyly, "Thanks."

He smiled, "I'm afraid there are some less than desirable sorts who see these classes as an opportunity to prey on unsuspecting women. I hope you don't mind me rescuing you?"

I laughed, "Not at all." Then I grinned mischievously, "That is, assuming you are not one of those less than desirable sorts. Perhaps I've been saved from the frying pan only to fall into the fire."

A little smile curled around the edge of his mouth, "Ah well then perhaps if I am less than desirable, I should refrain from disturbing you further. Let me call your 'friend' back to partner you then."

"No!" I said a little too urgently. "No," I repeated more calmly with a smile, "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now."

He laughed and taking my hand led me to the dance floor, "I'm Paul Davis. I don't know if you remember me from the mall the other day, but I just wanted to apologise again for staring at you so."

I smiled and shrugged a little awkwardly, "It's OK. I was flattered actually. I'm Cara Malone." I paused a little, "But I hope you aren't just dancing with me to appease your conscience." I raised an eyebrow.

He laughed, "Well of course. I mean what other reason could there be for wanting to dance with a beautiful woman. Cara, that's a nice name. I take it from your accent, you are not from around here. You are Welsh yes?"

I nodded, "Yes, I'm staying with my friends just outside Plymouth for a few weeks. Do you live here?"

"Yes, born and bred I am afraid."

Freddy asked us all to assume the correct stance. Paul put his left hand on my waist and took my left hand in his right hand. I lifted my right hand to his left shoulder. Freddy was going round making sure everyone had it right before beginning.

I looked up at my partner, "So Paul, what do you do when you are not sitting staring at unsuspecting women in the mall?" I smiled coyly.

He smiled down at me, "Oh trust me, I save my staring for exceptional cases. But when I am not being captivated by beautiful women, I work as a solicitor." He smiled almost apologetically, "In my father's firm actually. Davis, Hartley and Davis."

"A solicitor?" I said, "My father is a solicitor."

"Really? Where?"

I suddenly realised that I didn't want to divulge too many details so I backtracked a little, "Oh he works in Cardiff, but I don't want any more legal-like talk, I hear enough of it from him when I am at home."

He laughed, "And I get enough of it at work, so there's another thing we have in common."

"Another thing?"

He grinned, "We shop in the same mall, go to the same ballroom dancing class and both have our fill of legal talk. I'm amazed we have so much in common."

I laughed at him. I looked up at him, I guess I could see how he could be considered 'cute' as Beth had said the other day. He had short dark hair, a tanned complexion and chiselled facial features. Then I noticed his eyes, they were a startling green colour and had a kindly twinkle in them. I realised he was chuckling at me.

"What?" I almost pouted.

"Now who's staring?" he asked.

I laughed and dropped my gaze, blinking a few times. I looked back up and with red cheeks said, "Sorry. Guess I'm just getting my revenge."

"Well do I meet your standards for a prospective ballroom dancing partner?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Well I can safely say you are the most handsome ballroom dancing partner I have ever had," I retorted. I knew I was flirting with him, but I enjoyed it so I didn't care.

"You've never had a ballroom dancing partner before, sure you haven't?" he surmised.

I giggled, "No, never."

He shrugged, "I'll still take it as a compliment."

"Good," I replied, "it was meant as one."

He squeezed my hand and was about to say something when the music started and Freddy shouted for us all to give the waltz a try and not to worry if we messed up. I wasn't sure what exactly to do, but it didn't seem to matter as Paul led me confidently. I just let myself relax and let him guide me where to go. It took a bit of concentration at first and I had to look down at my feet but after 5 or 10 minutes and a few different waltzes, I felt I was getting the hang of it. I didn't have to watch my feet so much and was able to look up at Paul. He was smiling down at me, "You're doing great."

I laughed, "Oh I'm doing very little, I'm just following your lead."

He shrugged, "That's exactly the secret of ballroom dancing." He paused and then added quickly, "Well so I hear." I looked at him curiously and he just winked at me. The waltzes came thick and fast and really began to enjoy the sensation of whirling around in each other's arms. I noticed Jools and Beth were doing alright. Perhaps not just as free in their motion as I felt, but I attributed that more to my partner's skill rather than my own. I began to suspect that he was not quite a beginner after all.

There was a break halfway through to let us all capture our breath and take a quick rest. Paul, still holding my hand, led me to a seat at the side and we sat down. He was still holding my hand once we sat down but I didn't protest. I saw Jools and Beth take seats at other parts of the hall. I figured out what they were at: giving me some space. The minxes! I became aware of Paul's eyes on me. I turned around and met his gaze. He had a little smile on his face.

"You're staring at me," I accused.

He nodded slowly, "Yes I am."

I laughed and looked away again for a moment, before turning back to him, "You're still staring at me."

He nodded again and a smile grew on his face, "Yes I am."

I shook my head slowly, "You'll give me a complex if you keep that up."

He squeezed my hand, "Oh I doubt that. You know, it's truly wonderful dancing with you Cara." He left the sentence hanging so I asked the expected question.

"OK, go on, why do you say that?"

He laughed, "Because with you in my arms, the eyes of every other man in this room were looking at me with envy."

This time I really felt my cheeks flush and I bit my lower lip. I paused for a moment not really knowing how to respond. I felt my heart beating a mile a minute inside my chest at his words. I wasn't sure how I felt, but I knew that I relished the feeling of being appreciated. I flashed him a warm smile and said softly, "Thank you Paul. You make me feel very special, but you don't need to over exaggerate."

He squeezed my hand again and with a gentle smile said, "I'm not exaggerating."

It was time to dance again and Freddy called us to order. Paul led me back to the dance floor and the remaining time was filled with more up-tempo waltzes. We danced and whirled around the hall and I loved it. I really never thought I would enjoy it, but it was exhilarating. The final waltz got faster and faster until it finished with an orchestral climax and we all stopped and panted for breath. I looked up at Paul and smiled and him. He grinned at me and gave a little bow, "For the pleasure of your company on the dance floor this evening 'mam, I thank you."

I giggled and gave my best attempt at a little curtsy, "Oh no kind sir, the pleasure was undoubtedly mine."

He took my hand and led me to the side of the room and I collected my jacket. As I slipped it on, I turned to him, "You know Paul, you are awfully good at ballroom dancing for an absolute beginner."

He definitely blushed. "Ah well," he hesitated, "I guess I'm not a total novice. I have done a bit of this before."

I raised an eyebrow, "Really?" I grinned, "So you just come along to the beginner's class to show off to a young lady is that it?"

He laughed, "Oh no, not at all. Let me tell you the truth then. I have done a lot of ballroom dancing and usually come along to the main class each Friday night. But tonight on my way in, I saw this vision of beauty the like of which I have only ever seen once before. I had to follow her and knew she had to be my partner tonight."

I smiled and him and shook my head, "Paul! You'll give me a big head if you go on like that."

He smiled at me strangely and said softly, "I don't think I will you know."

I shrugged and out of curiosity asked, "So when did you see such similar beauty before?"

He grinned and winked at me, "At the mall on Monday afternoon."

I laughed and gave him a playful poke in the ribs, "You!"

He put his hands in his pockets and shifted a little awkwardly before speaking a little hesitantly, "I was well sort of wondering….that is, I don't want to pressure you, but if you were needing a partner for next Tuesday's class…." His voice trailed off.

I smiled, "I'd like that Paul."

He grinned and took my hand and gave it one last little squeeze, "Alright Cara, I'm now counting the hours until Tuesday night." He waved and walked off. I stood there with a bemused little grin on my face when Jools and Beth scooted over to my side.

I knew they were brimming with questions, but they took an arm each and whisked me out and down the stairs. Once we were in the car, Jools driving, me in the passenger seat and Beth in the back, the floodgates opened and I was deluged with questions.

"Who is he?" "Did you enjoy that?" "What did he say to you?" "Was he holding your hand?"

I laughed and held up my hands, "Give me some space girls."

They paused for breath. "OK," I began, "he is Paul Davis and he is a local solicitor. Yes I enjoyed the dancing. He said lots of things to me and yes he was holding my hand."

Beth tickled me from the back seat, "Oh, how unfair, not only do you get the cutest guy in the place, but probably the richest too."

I laughed and shrugged, "I wasn't trying to attract him."

"Pffft," said Jools, "I saw the way you were making eyes at him as you danced, the little smiles, the hand holding. Girl you had him eating out of your hand. So I suppose he asked you to be his partner next Tuesday too?"

I felt my cheeks flush, "Erm well actually yes."

"And you said?" prompted Beth.

"I said OK"

Jools continued, "So you want to go next Tuesday?"

I replied, "I guess, I mean I just sort of presumed we were going."

She grinned at me, "Well with a hunk like Paul the solicitor, who would blame you for wanting to go."

I protested, "Come on girls, it's not that I'm attracted to him or anything. I mean underneath it all, I'm a…." I couldn't bring myself to say it, I changed tack, "It's just that I enjoyed the dancing, and yes I enjoyed the attention. That's all it was."

The looks I got from both of them were filled with scepticism and disbelief but they let it drop as they told me about their partners.

 

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Later that night as I got into bed, I felt a few doubts myself. I mean, underneath it all, I was a guy. I was attracted to girls – I had no doubt about that. But this evening had been very strange. Granted, I had never danced with a guy before. Yet it just seemed right. As I thought about it, I was sure it was just because I was fulfilling the role expected of me: as people looked at me, they saw a woman and by dancing with a man, I was doing what was natural for who I appeared to be. Hence I enjoyed it for what it was. But he was cute. Well yes, objectively speaking, he was an attractive man and charming. But that's all there was to it, I didn't feel anything more than that. I think.

 

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CHAPTER 6

 

The next morning was clear and bright and Beth led us on a gruelling run outside down along the beach. Perversely I was beginning to enjoy the early morning exercise sessions and after only a week I already felt fitter than I had ever been in my life. It's amazing the buzz that a good workout can give you. Not quite as good as the buzz from performing live, but better than I would have imagined. Jools also wasn't complaining just as much, but she always gave her token reluctant groan before we set out. After running about 2 miles, we paused for breath. I felt the winter breeze in my hair and the taste of the salt sea air on my lips. I felt the not unpleasant tightness in my chest as I gasped for air and the mild discomfort in my muscles. I felt alive, really alive. It was seemingly a million miles away from the gloom and doom of London and a part of me felt sad that this was only a temporary respite from the real world. As I hunkered down on the sand, letting it run through my fingers, and watched the waves crashing in not far from us, I felt content. There had been so many changes over the last week when Jools and I had set out from London that it was hard to believe that it had only been a week. It felt like a lifetime ago. I remarked as much to the girls.

Jools squeezed my shoulder softly, "I know what you mean Cara. In many ways, it is a lifetime ago."

I think then, I realised just how shrewd Jools really was. If we were going to succeed with me as Cara, I needed to make the break from Nick as much as possible. There was no real reason that Beth couldn't have taken some time to come up to London to help me out there in becoming Cara. But by taking me away from my previous life and bringing me down here, it was almost like a genesis experience. A new birth. Or was I thinking too much about it. Either way, strangely I reckoned that being down here made all the other changes easier to adjust to. But there was no more time to dwell on it as Beth led the charge back to the house for breakfast.

After breakfast, I met Jools and Beth downstairs. I was dressed in a pink jersey top, my short denim skirt, black hose and my high-heeled black suede boots. I loved those boots already and was feeling a lot more confident walking in them with all the practice I had had with Beth this last week. The girls had decided that we all needed to get out for a bit of relaxation. And with the added goal of helping me become more at ease in public. So we headed into Plymouth town centre to do some shopping.

Beth was wearing a flattering black miniskirt and Jools had on a pair of tight denim jeans over brown boots. Understandably we attracted more than our fair share of admiring glances and I found that it didn't disturb me as much as it had done earlier in the week. In fact, it seemed normal, even enjoyable. Also I didn't have the same fear that someone was going to think I was a man. I knew I was and yet when I looked in the mirror, I could barely convince myself of what I had been. What I had been? I hadn't thought about it like that before, but I guess considering my masculinity in the past tense was another indication of my ongoing adjustment.

We visited most of the main big name high street stores and Jools and Beth bought a few tops and skirts. I wasn't particularly looking for anything, but in Next Beth called me over. She held up a black velvet top and a pair of burgundy trousers.

"I think you'd look divine in these," she gushed.

"Umm, I don't know Beth. I mean burgundy? Isn't it a bit loud?"

She shrugged, "Sure, but if anyone could get away with it, you could."

"What do you mean?"

From behind me Jools answered, "I think she is implying that even a brown paper sack would look good on you Cara my dear."

I gave them both a poke, but nonetheless headed for the fitting rooms with the two items. I tried them on. The black velvet top had a low neckline on it and was almost off the shoulder. The trousers were quite tight fitting and I thought they made my bum stand out too much. Looking in the mirror I had to admit though that the overall effect was quite fetching. The girls called me out and as I modelled the clothes for them I asked them if they thought the trousers were a bit tight around my bum. They laughed at me and said words to the effect of 'typical girl'. We bought them. And a pair of denim jeans, which also fit me like a glove.

After a light lunch in a nearby café, Beth suggested that we call by her salon to repeat my facial electrolysis. We arrived as one of her staff was just about to close up. She introduced me to her. Sally was essentially the day to day manager of the salon and left Beth fairly free to be as involved or not as she wanted. She was an attractive brunette, tall and slim. After a little small talk, Sally headed home leaving the three of us in the salon.

Beth repeated the electrolysis treatment and it didn't take as long this time. "I think another 2 weeks or so and you'll be free forever Cara," Beth quipped.

I laughed and replied dryly, "Great!"

She got me to touch up my makeup and while we were there, she took the opportunity to show me a few different looks and give me more detailed instruction in blending different colour tones of eye shadow, and using different shades of lipstick to create various looks. I tried to take as much of it in as possible. I knew I shouldn't really enjoy it, but I did. I liked being able to make myself look different, I enjoyed being able to make myself look pretty. I knew it went against all the stereotypes of the day. If I thought of myself as a man, I guess I thought of myself as some kind of sissy. That was why I had to keep thinking of myself as a woman. In which case, all this was natural and to be expected.

Whilst we were out, we decided to make a day of it and got some dinner at a quiet seafood restaurant on the edge of town before heading to the cinema to catch a movie. It was what I would previously have disdainfully called a 'chick-flick", but I enjoyed it and let myself go. At the end of it, all three of us girls were in tears and laughed at each other as we left, trying to prevent our makeup from smudging too much.

When we got home, I thanked them for a great day. I had really enjoyed it. It had been relaxing and fun. I was certainly now more at ease in public as Cara and for most of the day had practically forgotten who I was and just went with the flow.

 

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Sunday was quiet, relaxing and uneventful. Again I declined the offer of going to Church with the girls which attracted some disappointed tuts and clucks from Mabel when she found out. Monday and Tuesday followed the usual pattern. A good workout in the morning followed by practising all sorts of things with Beth: hairstyling, make-up, walking again, eating, hand gestures, facial mannerisms and even practising getting in and out of cars! In the afternoons I tried to write more songs but really didn't have much success. I wrote parts of a few new songs but discarded them all as I wasn't satisfied with them. They were OK, but that wasn't good enough.

As Tuesday evening approached, I felt a growing sense of anticipation about going dancing again. I tried to tell myself that it was just that I had enjoyed the dancing so much last time, but I had a few internal doubts. I think the girls sensed my nervous excitement. They shared a few knowing glances, but didn't say anything. I was quite disgusted with myself as I spent an inordinate amount of time in my room trying on several outfits before settling on the little black dress Beth had given me on my first day. I stuck with my flat shoes as I didn't feel confident enough to try dancing in high heels. Again I took far longer doing my make-up and hair than I had intended to. Eventually I was happy that I looked OK, well looked great to be honest. I was cutting it fine and I ran downstairs to find Beth patiently waiting and Jools not quite so patient. They grinned and winked at me and gave me nice compliments but didn't voice what I knew they were thinking.

When we arrived in the dance room in the civic centre, I scanned the people already present. It was with a certain sense of disappointment that I noted that Paul was not there. It was still a little early though. However, when Freddy called the class to order and had given us a refresher of what we covered last week and a little more instruction on waltzing, particularly on the faster Viennese waltzes, Paul was still nowhere to be seen. Beth and Jools linked up with their partners from the previous week. Jools gave my arm a little squeeze before she headed onto the dance floor, "Don't worry Cara, just try and enjoy yourself tonight."

I sighed and realised there was a little gathering starting to form up in my vicinity. Three men were closing in on me. One was short, one was fat and the other tall and skinny. I had little desire to have any of them for a partner. They all arrived before me at the same time: "Need a partner sweetie?" "Want to join me on the floor dear?" "Want to partner me love?" I sighed and was about to pick one when I felt an arm encircle my waist from behind and a deep voice say, "Sorry gents, this lady is with me." Paul!

I turned and my arm sort of automatically went around his waist too, I looked up at him and smiled. Then I blushed and pulled my arm back. He smiled and released me gently. "I err, thought you weren't coming," I tried to sound nonchalant. He was dressed in a charcoal grey business suit.

He shrugged and apologised, "Cara, I'm so sorry. I got held up at work and left as soon as I could and came straight over."

I smiled, "You arrived in the nick of time."

He laughed, "Should I take that as a compliment?"

I flushed a little again, "Well I suppose so."

The music started and we were waltzing again. It took me a few minutes to settle into the routine and pattern again but then when I did, I was able to relax and enjoy the motion as Paul wheeled me around the dance floor. Before long, Freddy moved us all onto faster Viennese waltzes. They were exhilarating as we wheeled and circled at a fast tempo. But they were exhausting too. It wasn't long before Freddy called a break which I think we were all glad to take. Paul led me to the side of the room, again holding my hand. I didn't mind and I was happy for him to keep holding it as we sat down.

"So," he began, "you never told me what you did or why you are gracing humble Plymouth with your presence."

I gave a little laugh, "Well, this always sounds corny, but I'm a singer and musician."

He raised an eyebrow and smiled at me, "Really? So why Plymouth then? I don't think I've seen you on the street corners busking, because I'm sure I would have noticed." He paused, "And thrown lots of money into your hat." He winked.

I chuckled, "No. Well, I'm staying with my friends trying to write some songs."

"What sort of singer or musician are you?" he asked.

I wrinkled my nose a little, "How does one categorise oneself?" I shrugged, "I guess I'd like to think of it as contemporary folk rock. I play piano, a little guitar, and well sing of course."

He grinned, "So should I have heard of Cara Malone? Have I missed you on Top of the Pops?"

I laughed, "No." A pause, "Not yet. But watch this space."

"Really?" he said with interest.

I shrugged and felt a little embarrassed, "Well I don't know. I hope so. I'm trying to see if I can land a recording deal. I've got a meeting in London with a company in a few weeks time."

He looked at me without saying anything for a moment, "I'd sign you up."

I laughed and squeezed his hand, "You haven't even heard me sing or play."

He shrugged and looked into my eyes, "Doesn't matter, if you can sing half as good as you look, anyone would be a fool if they turned you away."

I looked away feeling a funny sensation in my stomach. Excitement? Embarrassment? I wasn't sure. I turned back and looked up at him. "Paul," I protested, "you shouldn't tease me so."

He smiled, "Cara, believe me I'm not teasing, but I'd be happy to reassess my opinion once you sing and play for me."

I was about to reply when Freddy called us back onto the floor. Just as well as I wasn't sure what I was going to say in reply. More Viennese waltzes followed apace, each subsequent waltz being faster in tempo until we were really moving. I noticed that several couples collided but it seemed that Paul always managed to steer us away from any impending collisions. He really was very good I decided.

The end of the class seemed to come too soon and Paul placed a light hand on my shoulder as he guided me off the dance floor. I smiled at him, "Thanks Paul, I really enjoyed the dancing tonight."

He grinned, "Oh the pleasure was undoubtedly almost all mine, so much so that I feel guilty."

I laughed and poked him in the ribs, "Flatterer and charmer! But thanks."

He smiled amusedly at me. "What?" I asked.

He shook his head, "You truly are an exceptional woman Cara Malone. I don't know what it is about you, there is something different about you that I just can't put my finger on."

I felt my heart pound. Did he suspect? What was it? "Erm, what do you mean?" I asked unsurely.

He shrugged, "Well here you are: an extraordinarily beautiful woman and yet unlike other women who might approach your beauty, you seem to have no idea how attractive you are. You don't the high opinions of yourself and great notions about yourself that most attractive women do. It's as if you really don't believe how beautiful you are."

"Paul…" I paused, "I really don't know what to say. I guess I'm not used to such kind attention."

"I find that hard to believe Cara. I'm sure you must have had men flocking around you most of your life."

I shrugged and paused, thinking carefully about how I answered. I decided to stick as close to the truth as I could, "Well not really. I guess you could say I was a late bloomer." Yes, like only last week I thought. "And I've not had much time to think about it really as I've been quite focussed on my goals."

He nodded seeming to accept that, "Then I am indeed all the more privileged. I'll be honest with you Cara, it is rare that I want to dance with a woman more than once or twice. Please don't think I'm some sort of serial womaniser. It's not that at all. It's just that, being honest, most women bore me. They all laugh and simper at everything I say and don't seem to have much to say. But not you."

I grinned and winked, "Sorry Paul, I'll try to hang on your every word more and laugh at each sentence."

He laughed and then became more serious, "See that's it. There seems to be so much more to you. You're intelligent, witty – I get the feeling there's a lot of hidden depths to you Cara Malone."

I smiled. If only you knew I thought. "Thanks Paul." I paused, "I, I really enjoy your company too."

His face brightened, "Could you bear to dance with me again on Friday evening?"

I smiled then feigned a serious look of consideration, "Well, it'll be tough, but I guess I'll have to try and manage to endure it."

He laughed, then took my hand and gave it a little squeeze, "See you on Friday."

I squeezed his hand back and winked, "You'd better be on time or I might have to take a better offer." He laughed as I waved and walked over to Jools and Beth.

 

----------*----------

 

In the car on the way home, I really got it from the girls. Intense questions about what Paul had said, what I had said, had I enjoyed it and so on. I tried to fob them off as best as I could, but to no avail. When I told them about the things he had said about me at the end they just looked at each other across the front seat and nodded and smiled knowingly. From the front passenger seat, Beth turned round to me in the back and grinned, "Girl, you had better be careful, this guy is falling for you, and falling big time."

I protested, "Nonsense, he barely knows me…"

Jools interrupted, "Nonsense nothing, what's not to like for him? You're gorgeous, and intelligent and witty as he says. He's definitely falling for you and you should be careful."

"Why?" I asked.

She replied, "Well very soon he's going to want to kiss you and what will you do then?"

I felt a hollow churning in my stomach. I suppose she could have been right, but I didn't want to face that right now, "Rubbish Jools, we're just dance partners."

"Rubbish? C'mon Cara, I mean you know how guys think, he'd just love to slip his tongue into that beautiful mouth of yours."

"Jools!" I protested again, feeling more and more disconcerted.

"What?" she said almost innocently, "well are you denying that you wouldn't like him to hold you in his arms and kiss you?"

"Yes of course I'm denying it!"

"Sure," she teased, "well that's not the signals you're sending out to him. I'm not sure I believe you either."

I don't know why, but I just seemed to crack. I have no idea where it came from, but I burst into tears and between my sobs managed to say, "Leave me alone, I'm not like that, I don't feel that way about guys, I mean I'm not, well I'm…..just leave me alone. I don't want to think about it…" I buried my head in my hands and sobbed. I don't whether I was more upset about what Jools had said and the way it made me feel, or about the way I was now reacting. The rest of the drive home took place in silence as I tried to get myself under control.

When we arrived back, I jumped out of the car and went inside the house heading straight for my room. I felt mortified and couldn't face the girls. Safe inside my room, I saw my appearance in the mirror. Mascara tear-stained trails led down my cheeks and I slumped onto the stool before my dressing table and stared at myself. Why had I had such an outburst like that? Perhaps it was just the build up of overwhelming sensations. Being treated and talked to like a beautiful woman all evening by, on all accounts, an attractive male. Actually enjoying the attention. And then having it all focussed for me by the girls' comments. I think it had all been too much for me and the problem was that I really didn't know how I felt. The last two weeks had been a rollercoaster and as with every rollercoaster, there are highs and lows. I didn't suddenly want to rip off my newfound womanhood and shun it. I just needed to get more accustomed to it and explore how I really felt. I figured it would take time.

My musings were interrupted by a quiet tapping on my door. "Come in," I croaked after a momentary pause.

Jools peeped tentatively around the door. From her face, I could see that she had been crying too. "Can I come in?" she asked softly.

I nodded and she walked over towards me. She knelt down beside me and wrapped her arms around me, "I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt you, I mean it's the last thing I'd want to do. I was stupid…" she choked back a sob, "Sorry, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I was insensitive. Sorry Nick."

I hugged her back, but at her last phrase I held her back a little and looked into her eyes. I shook my head slowly, "It's not Nick, it's Cara."

She shrugged, "I just didn't know how you felt about being…"

I sighed, "Jools, I don't know how I feel about a lot of things, but I'm Cara right now. I know that." I paused, "I like that. I know that. But everything's moving so quick." Now I was the one to choke back a sob, "It's just…overwhelming." I lost it and hugged her close as my body was wracked with sobs. She clung tightly to me and we both sat there for several minutes both of us sobbing.

Eventually we both settled down and sat there holding each others hands. Jools looked up at me, "Want me to stay with you tonight?"

I smiled wanly at her and nodded, "Yes. I just don't want to be alone." We both removed the remains of our make-up. I got into my nightie.

"I need to go get a nightdress," Jools said.

I gave a little grin, "Want to borrow one of mine?"

She laughed and I did too. "Sure, I'd like that."

We got into bed and hugged close. It wasn't sexual or anything. We both just revelled in the closeness and physical comfort. Jools kissed me on the cheek and murmured, "I'm so sorry Cara, you know I really love you." I hugged her close, "I love you too silly, now stop before you make us burst into tears again!"

 

----------*----------

 

The next morning, Beth didn't seem too surprised when she found Jools and I snuggled together. Or at least if she was surprised, she hid it well. "C'mon you two sleepyheads, out of bed with both of you and let's go do some aerobics."

With some groaning and complaining, we dragged ourselves out from under the warm covers. Jools padded off to her room to get changed and I slipped into my leotard and soon joined both of them in the music room for a vigorous workout. We were being treated to a lot more ambitious aerobic routines and to our credit, Jools and I were managing to keep up fairly well. Truth be told, I was really starting to enjoy the arduous fitness regime that Beth was putting us through. I had more energy, and felt much healthier and I had definitely noticed that my body was becoming more supple and far better toned than it ever had been. I think it was also helped by a sustained period of healthy eating. Looking back, I realised that I had really been neglecting myself: eating rubbish, eating irregularly, sleeping erratically and not exercising. Plus I hadn't paid much attention to my physical appearance. How that had changed!

The next few days followed their usual pattern. Beth was a tough taskmaster and when I remarked to her that I felt I had got the hang of female mannerisms and everything that she was teaching me, she just reminded me that most women had years and years to learn these things and I could at least stick with it for a few weeks. I guess she was right. At times, I would move in a characteristically male way or say something that was not very feminine without thinking. She continually gave little hints and reminders and gradually, bit by bit I tried to polish off the 'rough male edges' that remained. I was certainly making progress. It was a very rare occasion when I didn't swing my hips when walking, or forget to smooth my skirt when sitting down. It was beginning to come more naturally and I knew that was the way it had to be. I reckoned it was just that the novelty of this 'training' had worn off and it had now become somewhat routine and tedious. But as Beth reminded me gently, it didn't make the training any less important or necessary. I was now fairly adept and confident at doing my own make-up and I was getting better all the time. With the magazines that Beth and Jools had given me to read, I was starting to understand more about current fashions and clothing trends. Secretly, I actually enjoyed reading the women's magazines, the stories and gossip and all. This wasn't too surprising as I reckoned most men enjoyed a clandestine read at such magazines but just would never admit to it.

It was Friday lunchtime when I broached the subject of money with Jools and Beth. Initially they tried to wave me off and change the subject but I persisted. I knew they were out a substantial sum of money due to me and I was adamant I had to repay them. Eventually they gave in when they realised I was not backing down and they got a calculator and various receipts. Beth had put most of the expenses on her Visa card and although the bill wasn't due just yet, I wanted to make amends. The breast forms had been very expensive, 500 pounds in fact. We had spent a scandalous amount of money on clothes and shoes. It came to just under 2000 pounds. I could hardly believe it, but Jools reminded me that we had basically created a whole new female wardrobe for me from scratch so it seemed a little better in that context. I got my chequebook, well Nick's chequebook to be accurate and wrote Beth a cheque for 3200 pounds. She protested that it was too much. But I explained that if she could give me some cash of my own in return, it would give me a little more flexibility. Jools' curiosity was piqued.

"What do you want the money for?"

I shrugged, "This and that, might want to do a little shopping."

She looked at me suspiciously, "What are you planning?"

"Well I thought I might head into town by myself this afternoon and do a little shopping," I replied.

Beth clapped her hands together in glee, "Oh goody goody, shopping! I'll come too."

I chewed my lower lip and paused before speaking, "Beth, would you mind if I went by myself?"

She looked a little disappointed so I continued, "It's not that I don't want you with me, but it's just that every time I have been out anywhere up to now, I have been with one or both of you. I've never been out by myself, and although I'm pretty terrified at the thought, I'm going to have to get used to it. Is that ok?"

She smiled and nodded, "No you're right, it makes perfect sense. Have a good time. I'll drop you into town and I'll get you some cash from an ATM on the way."

 

----------*----------

 

Beth dropped me off in the town centre. It was an overcast day, but thankfully dry. Under my waist length black coat, I was wearing a white polo neck top, a yellow and red tartan miniskirt, black stockings and my platform heeled black leather boots. I felt good and having checked my appearance before setting out, I knew I looked good. I couldn't deny to myself that I really liked looking like an attractive woman. In fact, I think that was putting it mildly. Plus I was beginning to revel in the attention that I could seem to attract without any effort at all. Doors would be held open for me, men would smile at me. Of course some of the women would still look at me bitchily, but that was all part of the deal I reckoned. Why I so enjoyed it, I still couldn't quite explain. But I wasn't sure that I had to work that out. Just go with it and take it as it comes.

I browsed around various boutiques and high street big name stores and enjoyed a leisurely look around. I never would have done this or enjoyed it before. I did have some things in mind to get and I spotted something that might fit the bill in an elegant semi-conservative boutique. Up until now all my clothes, whilst in no way slutty or tarty, were on the tight and short side of things. I felt I needed something a little more conservative for the odd occasion. I had found a light grey suit. A short cropped jacket with a matching long narrow pencil skirt. I found my size, a 10, and took it to the fitting room. It fit me well and looked very elegant I thought. It wasn't dowdy or unflattering, but was certainly very decent and still attractive. The white polo neck top looked grand with it, but I went out to find a nice blouse that could go with it too. I found a satiny white blouse that looked like just the ticket and, trying the ensemble, I was most satisfied. My black boots finished the outfit perfectly and so I left the shop nigh on 200 pounds worse off, but happy nonetheless. I had an idea for when I would first need it.

Just as I had left the shop, a dress in the window caught my eye. It was a black satin dress and it was just exquisite. I don't know what came over me, but I found myself going back in to see if I could try it on. I didn't know why. But there I was zipping myself into this sleek just about on the shoulder gown with a long flaring skirt to it that had strategically placed and quite revealing slits. I looked at myself in the mirror and imagined myself dancing in it before I came to my senses. I took the dress off as I realised I really would have little need of it. And that was reinforced when I saw the price tag: it cost just over 400 pounds! I chuckled to myself. I was behaving like a little schoolgirl, but it was fun. Needless to say, I didn't buy it, but it was with some regret that I left it back on the rail.

My next stop was a high street jeweller. I had two goals in mind: I wanted to buy myself some jewellery, but I also wanted to take the opportunity to buy something nice for Jools and Beth as Christmas presents. It was only the 6 December but I wanted to get them something now while I had the opportunity. The shop was quite busy so I stood back and with a little smile on my face waited patiently. It wasn't too long before a middle-aged man in a black suit appeared at my side, "Can I help you 'mam?"

I smiled warmly at him, "Oh I hope so. I want to get something special for two of my girlfriends. What could you suggest?" I have to confess that the slightly helpless appearance that I was conveying was not entirely affected as I really didn't have much of an idea about what to get. It seemed to do the trick as he smiled at me and led me over to a large display case behind a glass table. He offered me a chair on one side of the table and I sat down whilst he unlocked the display cabinets. "Was 'mam thinking of anything in particular?"

I gave a little frown and said, "Well I suppose I could get a necklace for one of them and perhaps a bracelet for the other."

He nodded, "Any preference of silver or gold 'mam?"

I decided I could get to like being called 'mam. Before, well before I was Cara, I never really got treated to anything like this sort of attentive service in a shop. Not surprising really when I considered how I must have looked. Scrawny, scruffy and not dressed too well. I told him it would have to be gold and he brought out several trays of gold necklaces and bracelets. With his help and advice I selected a narrow, yet beautiful gold chain for Jools and a chunkier bracelet for Beth. I also treated myself to a silver chain, matching bracelet and long pendant drop earrings. Yet again I left another shop substantially poorer, but pleased with my purchases.

Time was getting on and I decided to head back to Silsbury Manor. Although Beth had told me to phone her when I wanted picked up, I didn't want to bother her, plus I didn't want to hang around much longer as it was getting cold. So I went to the nearby taxi stand and several drivers who had been standing around leaped to assist me. It was quite uncanny the effect I seemed to have just by my appearance alone. I liked it. I got into the first taxi in the line and sat down in the back seat.

"Where to love?" he asked, looking at me in the driver's rear-view mirror.

"Silsbury manor, the coast road between here and Seaton," I replied with a friendly smile.

He nodded and smiled at me, "No problem."

As he drove, I could see him stealing glances at me in the rear-view mirror from time to time and I tried to hide a smile. I was feeling a bit mischievous so I decided to have a little fun. Or rather as I tried to rationalise it, an experiment of the powers of feminine behaviour in action. Firstly I took a small hairbrush from my purse and began to slowly and languidly brush my hair. Then, taking a little mirror, I touched up my makeup. Lastly, closing my purse, I stretched and slowly uncrossed and crossed my legs. Glancing up at the mirror I could see his eyes were practically fixed on me and looked like they would pop out of his head. I met his gaze and gave him a little smile to let him know that I knew he was watching me. He averted his eyes and I saw his cheeks colour. Inwardly I was amazed at how easy it seemed to be to elicit such reactions. I knew I really shouldn't have, but I was reasoning that as I wanted to be a performer, a little practice along the way wouldn't do any harm.

Before long we arrived at the gates of Silsbury Manor. Shortly after I had arrived two weeks ago, Jools had given me a remote for the gates which I had kept in my purse. I activated the gates and we drove up the long drive. I got out in front of the house, being especially careful to protect my dignity and stood before the driver's open window.

"How much do I owe you?" I asked.

He smiled, "Almost a crime to have to charge you love, but it's 8 pounds 50. I gave him a ten pound note and smiling sweetly said, "Keep the change."

He beamed at me and, seeming a little flustered, handed me a small business card, "If you ever need a taxi again love, make sure an' call me now. I'll take care of you."

I smiled and thanked him before turning and walking up to the front door. I didn't look back but I was almost sure his eyes were fixed on me. I got in and took my purchases straight to my room and hid the presents for Jools and Beth. I sat down for a moment to rest my feet before going down to dinner. I had really enjoyed my afternoon. I really enjoyed the attention I got and the way people treated me as a woman. Being honest with myself I was really enjoying being a woman. Back when Jools had suggested the idea three weeks ago – it seemed like months – but back then, I had gone along with the idea thinking it would be a means to an end. That is success. And whilst I still had the hunger to pursue this goal, I never thought that I would actually really enjoy the charade of being a woman. Charade? That didn't seem right. I didn't really think of myself putting on a charade. I was beginning to think of myself as a new person that I had become. A new person that I was beginning to like more and more. The thought crossed my mind again about what I would do if we didn't happen to land a deal. Probably for the first time I admitted to myself that I would seriously consider not going back to being 'Nick' even if things didn't work out. Wow. That was a mind blower and I was quite glad to hear Beth shouting up the stairs to me that dinner was ready.

Over dinner, I recounted my afternoon's activities to them. When they asked what I had bought, I was deliberately evasive and delighted in keeping them in the dark. I had a few surprises for them. I told them about the jewellery I had bought myself to keep them quiet and had to show it to them immediately after dinner. They approved. I confessed to them about trying on the satin gown and said I felt silly given that I really had no notion of buying it. They didn't agree and reminded me that shopping was not just about things that you were going to buy; it was the experience rather than the purchasing. They both assured me they had spent many a shopping trip trying on things that they had no intention of buying and hinted that what I had done was just another sign of my continuing adjustment to femininity. This suggestion would have probably embarrassed me or made me feel uncomfortable just even a week previously, but now it didn't really bother me, in fact it pleased me.

 

----------*----------

 

Of course, with it being Friday night, it was ballroom dancing night again and so we all went to get ready. I showered and changed into my black jersey dress with the white panel around the waist. I decided to be a little more adventurous and selected my shoes with the platform heels to see how I would manage dancing in them. I wore my new silver chain and bracelet. I wished I could put on my new earrings but Beth had advised me to leave it another week or two to ensure the holes had healed properly.

On the journey in, Jools and Beth were surprisingly subdued and made little mention of the dancing to come and didn't mention Paul at all. I realised they were deliberately avoiding the subject to try not to upset me or offend me. Whilst I didn't think it was really warranted, I was touched nonetheless. When we arrived, I didn't have to worry about looking out for Paul, because he was waiting inside the door of the civic centre and his face lit up when he saw me.

"Cara, you look even lovelier than ever," he said as he offered me his arm before we headed up the stairs.

I slipped my arm inside his, "Thank you Paul. You look very dapper yourself."

He was casually dressed but by no means sloppily so. An open necked pale lemon shirt and a smart pair of black slacks. He was clean shaven and smelled of freshly applied aftershave. I felt my heart quicken a little and was almost annoyed at my body as I felt it was betraying me unfairly so.

Tonight, Freddy informed us, we would move on to learn a new dance: the foxtrot. He explained the steps and then demonstrated them before inviting us all to the floor. I murmured to Paul, "Please tell me you know how to do this."

He chuckled, "Yes, I've done it a few times before. Just remember it's slow-quick-quick" I had the feeling he was again being modest and I was soon proven right. It took me longer to get the hang of the steps compared to the waltz, but Paul kept me right. I did stand on his toes a few times and apologised but he didn't seem to mind. As I became more familiar with the steps and was able to relax somewhat, we began to chat. He asked about my love of music and I told him about how I had grown up with music and had spent nearly all of my younger days singing and playing. I stuck to the truth but just replaced Nick with Cara when recounting my experiences. I asked him about himself and he told me about growing up in Plymouth, going to university. He was an Oxford graduate and I was very impressed. He played it down though and said it meant little in the grand scheme of things. I was still impressed. He told me about his father's firm and trying to live up to his expectations and how his father had always intended for him to take over the firm. I sympathised and explained a little of my parent's disappointment in my not getting a 'proper job' as they called it. He expressed his disbelief of how my parents could have any disappointment in having such a beautiful daughter. Outwardly I laughed, but inwardly I felt the sudden anxiety of remembering that my parents had no idea that they now even had a second 'daughter'. However, I put it out of my mind and enjoyed the conversation and the dancing.

At the end of the evening, Paul looked a little unhappy. "What's wrong Paul?" I asked.

He sighed, "I'm not going to be here next week for the classes. I've to go to a legal conference in Liverpool for the week and won't be back 'til late next Friday evening."

I was disappointed and although it must have shown in my face, I tried to hide it as best as I could. "Oh well, can't be helped," I tried to say brightly.

He smiled at me, "Give me the choice of a dull conference in Liverpool or the pleasure of your company, I know which I'd prefer."

I squeezed his hand, "Thanks Paul." Then I winked, "Ah well, you never know, maybe I'll find a better replacement next week while you are away."

I was only joking and he knew it, but he looked into my eyes seriously and said, "Promise me you won't find a permanent replacement?"

I looked up at him, "Paul, of course not. I was only joking. I'll get a partner somehow next week, but I promise not to enjoy it."

He laughed and then looked like he wanted to say more, but hesitated. I squeezed his hand again, "What is it?"

He smiled awkwardly, "Well. It's just that, Freddy is going to announce next week that tickets are on sale for the annual ballroom dancing society's dinner dance. It's on Friday 20^th in the town hall." His voice trailed off.

I smiled encouragingly at him. "And?" I coaxed.

He gave a little self-conscious cough before continuing, "Well, I've managed to get two tickets out of him and wondered well, if you'd like to come along with me?"

I smiled, "Of course I would. That sounds wonderful."

His face brightened and he shook his head a little, "This is terrible, I'm behaving like an adolescent schoolboy all over again."

I laughed, "Thank you for asking Paul. I'm looking forward to it already."

He grinned like a cat that got the cream and took my arm as he walked me downstairs to the door. "See you Tuesday week," he said. He slowly let go of my arm as if he didn't really want to and I smiled and waved at him.

The car journey home was unnaturally quiet. Halfway home I couldn't bear it any longer. "Alright girls, enough is enough. Stop pussyfooting around me. I'm not going to break down if you say anything. I had a lovely time with Paul tonight, I really enjoyed the dancing. He didn't kiss me, but he did ask me to the annual dinner dance."

That got them going and they ooh'ed and ahh'ed. "He did?" "Really?" "Wow?"

I laughed, "Are you two going?" They shrugged and shook their heads.

Jools replied, "No don't think so. My partner's OK, but I don't think I really want to go. Besides he hasn't asked. Not that that would bother me, if I wanted to go, I'd ask him to take me." I believed her.

Beth shrugged, "Kevin asked me to go, but I really wasn't fussed, so I made some excuse. Oh Cara! What are you going to wear?"

"Umm, I hadn't thought about that."

Jools grinned at Beth, "Leave it to us, we'll sort you out. It's a formal dance did you know that?"

I smiled, "Well I guess I didn't think about it, I don't really know anything more about it except when it is and that I'm going with Paul."

We all laughed and some of the recent tension evaporated.

 

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Saturday afternoon inspiration returned. I was extremely relieved as it had been a most unfruitful week musically speaking. That morning after aerobics and breakfast, Beth, Jools and I had taken a good long walk across the estate. Mainly because it was a beautiful clear winter's morning, but also for Beth to watch my deportment and walking whilst she walked behind Jools and I. I had relished the biting cold on my cheeks and the beauty of the morning and just enjoyed chatting about this and that with Jools as we walked. I was almost in stitches laughing at her stories of the auditions that some of her clients had been to that week. Jools knew how to tell a funny story.

Anyway, over lunch I had an idea begin to niggle in my head. I excused myself when we were finished eating and went to the music room and grabbed the guitar. This one was coming out on the guitar I felt. I strummed a few fast tempo half-muffled low chords and began to hum to myself. I soon had a verse and then led that into a full power chord chorus. This was an unashamed rocky number. It was loud, brash and it was fun. The lyrics began to form. I began to crystallise the theme of the song in my mind and got the title: 'Living life in colour'. I guess this was arising out of my recent musings about how full my life had seemed recently in comparison to previous months. The verse was a semi-subdued reflection of previous dull days which exploded into a chorus celebrating the fullness and joy of life. The idea was moving from the black and white days of empty living to the full colour life of seizing the day. Or something like that. It wasn't musically challenging or demanding. Five chords did it all, but it was the spirit and energy of it that made it a song I was pleased with. So now I had three decent songs. More needed.

 

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After breakfast on Sunday I hurried back up to my room and got changed into my grey jacket and skirt suit with the white blouse that I had bought the other day. I added just the faintest hint of subtle make-up, brushed my hair and headed back downstairs. I met the girls in the hall and they did a double take as they looked at me.

"Wow, smart," said Jools.

"When did you get that outfit?" asked Beth.

"What are you dressed up for?" asked Jools.

I smiled sweetly, "I bought it on Friday, and as if it wasn't obvious, I'm dressed for Church."

They laughed. "Well, I think you look perfectly virginal," said Jools with a wink. "Are you sure you want to go?"

I nodded, "Oh yes, I think if I don't go this week, Mabel will start to lay hands on me and pray over me at lunch."

We headed out laughing and met Mabel just outside the door which provoked another round of giggles.

"Now what're you girls all gee-heeing about?" She noticed me, "Ah Miss Cara, now don't you just look lovely. Far more suitable and pleasing attire and oi'm delighted to see you heading out for morning worship."

Seaton Parish Church was a traditional old Anglican Church, but the vicar was a young fair-haired man in his early thirties. He welcomed me at the door with a smile and a warm handshake and Beth and Jools introduced me. The service was in keeping with the building: traditional. It followed the standard liturgy. Although I was brought up to go to Church, this was quite different from the Methodist Church. But I quite enjoyed it. Jools and Beth kept me right on where we were in the Book of Common Prayer as I got lost fairly easily. The message was on the parable of the talents and the main point was that we should be a good steward of the gifts that God has given us. I felt it was quite appropriate but decided not to tell the Reverend on the way out that I was following his advice by changing from a man into a woman in order to better use my talents. I did feel a little uncomfortable if I let my mind slip to the fact that I was a man dressed as a woman in Church. It made me feel a little hypocritical, but I put the thoughts from my mind. Especially as thinking in such a way tended to lead to thinking about my parents.

Mabel was in great form at lunch and I think I did my relationship with her no end of good as I recounted the message to her and how I felt I could apply it. Leaving out the bit about changing gender of course.

 

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The rest of Sunday was quiet and relaxing and the next week began in what had been the usual pattern developed over the past fortnight. Exercise in the mornings and Beth was really starting to push us harder. I actually found myself looking forward to the morning sessions, once I had managed to get myself out of bed that was. Training and practice then with Beth which was becoming almost dull and routine. She said that was good as it meant it was getting into my subconscious. Interestingly, one morning that week she got me to put on my training shoes, obviously no heels, and told me to walk like a man. I walked normally without thinking and turned to face her. With a large smile on her face she informed me that I had walked almost as femininely as I had been doing before, swinging my hips a little too. I actually had to concentrate hard to make myself walk with a male gait. I guessed her training was paying off. I was now very much au fait with current fashions, hairstyles and cosmetics. I could easily style my hair into a number of simple different looks and was very competent making myself up for any number of different occasions. My mannerisms and vocal inflections were now almost always exclusively feminine. Beth would have me sit and stand, walk and talk, gesture and posture – all in front of the mirrored wall in the music room. She made me watch myself and I had to confess that all I saw was an attractive feminine woman. I was pleased. I think she knew it, but I didn't admit it openly.

In the afternoons, I spent my time as usual either on the piano or the guitar. When inspiration was lacking, I hooked up all my equipment and with my keyboard, sequencer and four-track I laid down some tracks for the three songs I had completed so far. That week produced another song: an almost classical piano introduction leading into a sweetly subdued melodic verse. It had almost a swing sort of jazz feel to it and I had written it in 6:8 time. I knew that guitarists, drummers and basically any non-classically trained musicians would grumble about that. In my head I could hear a brass ensemble coming in during the chorus. A real swinging big band feel. It was quite different to the other songs I had written, but I always strove to make my compositions cover a wide variety of styles. I didn't believe in repeating one formula over and over again. I couldn't seem to get away from autobiographical type lyrics though. I guess I was experiencing so many new feelings and sensations that it was only natural for it to overflow into song. It was more real than a lot of stuff I had written in the past. I guess 'Nick's' life had got into such a rut that at that time I was always looking outside myself to the world around for lyrical inspiration. Not necessarily a bad thing, but these songs that I was now writing were coming from the heart. I entitled the song, 'I just wanna be me'. It was almost a tongue-in-cheek song, it was fun, ironic and not one for taking oneself seriously in. I enjoyed it. I laid down some backing tracks and then I took the microphone: this was one I had to sing with microphone in hand and the freedom of movement that it gave me. I faced the mirror and began.

"Feelin' the weight of others' expectations,

Pushing me down, pressing around me,

Building into disappointments, anger and frustrations,

Why oh why can't they understand and see.

I don't wanna be somebody elses' puppet,

Don't wanna have to say yes and always agree,

You're squeezing me, smothering me – why don't you just stop it

Cos I just wanna be me.

I'm dreamin' my own dreams, not fulfilling yours,

I'm throwing off the bonds, I'm gonna be free,

I'm releasing my true spirit, a spirit that endures

Cos I just wanna be me."

I vamped it up and ended with this real pouty look on my face. I could only hold it for a moment though before I cracked, grinned and actually giggled. This was so different to anything I had written before but I loved it. Four songs and counting.

 

----------*----------

 

I have to admit that I didn't enjoy the dancing as much that week. I missed Paul. For a number or reasons that I rationalised: he was a great dancer and made it seem so easy, we got on well together and I had already sort of got to know him. Instead of waiting to get the dregs of the class, on both occasions I was proactive. As soon as Freddy called us to the floor, each time I went and asked fairly normal looking guys if they wanted to partner me. They looked a bit surprised to be asked but didn't turn me down. The dancing was OK, neither of my 'stand-in' partners were anywhere near as good as Paul. At dancing I mean. There was a fair bit of stepping on toes and apologising on both sides. Freddy made us revise the Foxtrot and at the end of Tuesday's class and for most of Friday's class we learnt the Quickstep. 'Slow-quick-quick' I would say into myself over and over again as I had to concentrate a lot harder than previous times. At the end of each evening I civilly thanked my dance partner and made my excuses as soon as possible. I looked forward to the following Tuesday's class when Paul would be back. And next Friday. The dinner dance. When I pushed the girls for some help with regard to a suitable dress, they just laughed, winked and told me they had it in hand and not to worry. I worried more.

 

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I had been putting it off, but that weekend I decided I needed to touch base at home. I took my mobile phone and went to my room. I sat on the bed and practised my voice for quite some time before phoning. Not Cara's voice. That was coming all too naturally by now. I found it hard to find 'Nick's' voice. I got a passable attempt and dialled the number. I thought I was going to throw up. Even though it was just a phone call I felt sure I would give myself away.

"Hello?"

"Hi Mum."

"Claire?"

"No, it's me….Nick." That felt strange.

"Nicholas honey! How are you? What's wrong with your voice? Are you sick?"

"Erm, maybe my throat feels a little funny I guess but I'm OK. How are you and Dad?"

"Oh we're grand, you're father is as busy as ever. So much for winding down towards retirement. So what you are you up to?"

"Oh you know, trying to write some more songs."

A pause. "Well, how's it going?" She tried to sound encouraging.

"Pretty good actually, I think I'm getting some good material."

"That's good dear." My mother was used to my cycles of writing, hope, demo submission and rejection. She was used to me thinking that next time would be different. But she hid her reticence as well as she could.

"So Nicholas, I presume you'll be here for Christmas."

I swallowed, "Erm yes, I think so. Unless I get a better offer."

She laughed, "Well I'll take that as a yes then. When should we expect you?"

I felt a cold sweat on my forehead, "Well, I guess I'll travel up to Claire's on the 23^rd late on and stay over with her and then we'll both head up to you on Christmas Eve."

"That's great honey. It's just over a week away. It's been too long," she chided.

"I know Mum, I'm sorry. I'm just sort of focussed and preoccupied right now." If only she knew!

"Are you sure you are alright dear, you really do sound quite strange?"

"I'm fine Mum, listen I'd better head on. Love you."

"I love you too son, take care and God bless."

"Bye."

I broke the connection and set the phone down on my bed and then lay back myself. I was almost shaking. I had no idea how I was going to face my family or what I was going to say to them. I had a bad feeling about it.

 

To be continued…

   

  

  

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