A New Season Approaches

by Ann O’Nonymous

 

Part Two

 

Jackie, who decided to stay because she really didn’t like golf, raised her hand rather formally, then asked: "Are we going after men mostly, or are taking males and females over the coals, so to speak."

"Well, males will be the main subjects, but, occasionally, we will include a female or two. Can’t be accused of prejudice, now can we! (laughter at this point) It depends on how the writers feel at the time and how the scene progresses."

"Hey," Sandra asked, "I thought you were going to play golf!"

"Nah. This kind of knocking balls around beats the other kind of knocking balls around."

Vikki spoke up: "Here’s an idea, although I’m a little leery as to how this might look. Can we use a soap opera type in this new era?"

"Throw it into the soup and see if the stew boils, as Ralph is fond of saying."

"All right, I am thinking of a man trying to conceal a past, where he was falsely accused of embezzlement. In order to clear himself of the charges, he takes on the disguise of a woman and gets a job at the place where he was terminated, in order to find evidence of his innocence. About mid-way through the season, he gets discovered and is forced to marry one of the male executives. This particular executive discloses the fact that he is a victim of a higher-up who is blackmailing him, and that a vice-president in the company is holding some very incriminating documents that could bust open a wide-ranging conspiracy involving stock manipulation. In the meantime, the two are forced to maintain a ‘loving’ relationship as they uncover more and more information. Along the way, there could even be some adopted children. How’s that!"

"Oh, the writers will have a field day. So, I guess we could really go pretty far on this – I can just picture a bedroom scene. How delicious!"

Paula started to snicker, "I’m picturing a striptease, with the character saying, ‘Am I too much woman for you,’ and he’s reacting with, ‘Did you get to open that safe yet?’ or ‘I wish you’d stop flirting with (insert name). You’re making me very jealous.’ "

"Or, even better, ‘You spent $125.00 on cosmetics this week. Jeez honey, I’m not made of money!’ "

There was a release of laughter about the character’s predicament as the panel continued to write, then erase or cross off ideas.

After a moment, there was a knocking at the door.

"Sam, would you please get that. It’s the caterer with a coffee and salads. Yours is the Chicken Fajita and coffee."

Sam answered the insistent knocking, paid the caterer, adding a generous tip (after all, it wasn’t his money) and returned with a box filled with various wrapped goods. He left for a moment, this time coming back with an assortment of bottled waters. (Last year, the company eliminated all forms of soft drink in company-owned vending machines.)

After everyone had his or her fill of food and drink, the session continued.

Ann opened the continuation of the session with: "Well, we seem to be making some headway. I would like more, though, as a possible prime-time fill up to the eleven o’clock news. Oh, by the way, we can’t touch the news. I’ve been told to hold it sacrosanct!"

"Well, golly, gee. What are they: The Holy of Holies?"

"All bow down to the news. Hail news, hail news!" Jackie got in.

"They might as well be for our purposes. So, let’s get on with the job at hand."

Helen appeared to be reading some of her notes, then turned to Sandra, and said: "This sounds like fun! Tell it to Ann."

"OK. Ann, here’s the idea. We get four or five guys who think they know it all, which shouldn’t be too difficult. Backstage, they are dressed in adorable baby or little girl outfits, you know – the pink, lacy stuff with diapers, rubber panties and frilly rumba pants. We secure each of them in highchairs on stage with pacifiers, with an opening, and a tube, connected to it, running to an overhead bottle of baby’s formula milk. A second and third tube, running down from other bottles, would go down their back into the diapers. In front of them would be a series of pushbuttons. The ‘babies’ would be asked questions, and at each wrong answer, a bottle would release a measured amount of fluid into the said diapers. The bottles might be filled with orange juice, thinned-out oatmeal, or even something like sugared water with vinegar or olive oil added. Bottled milk would also be fed to them at random intervals."

"Have you been reading those S and M mags again? Not on company time, I hope. I can see them squirming now, all to no avail." Ann thought a bit, and then began to snicker at the idea of Ralph in dirty diapers. "OK, I think that might be a real howl to sell, but I’ll try. I’ve also come up with a crazy idea. See how this sounds. We get three or four males, maybe five, put them in front of an audience and do a complete makeover on them – the works! We give them hair extensions, a facial, pedicure and manicure, along with a new outfit. We then have a beauty parade, consisting of our new, lovely beauties. The winner gets a nice prize, and a chance to compete in a special year-end show. I’m sure I can get one of our sponsors to throw in a new car."

"Hell, for a new car, I might even try it myself," Jackie replied.

"Sorry, company personnel are prohibited from entering, besides didn’t you get a car last year?"

"Yeah, but now it’s a year old and the ashtrays are full." (Strange, ’cause Jackie didn’t smoke.)

Vikki mercifully interrupted, "Ahem, I don’t want to be left out. I’ve come up with a great idea, if I do say so myself. Picture this: Our victims go to backstage dressing rooms, where they are fully clothed in a variety of, shall we say, costumes – ranging from maid, schoolgirl to nun or nurse. We then place them in a room onstage, appropriate as to how they are dressed. There, they would be tied down securely to objects in the room. Ladies from the audience would be invited to release our poor males from their bondage. Or, we could bring the ‘girls’ out and invite the ladies to tie them down in the rooms. A prize would be awarded to the female who does the best tying job."

Ann again grinned at the thought. "Where did you ladies come up with these ideas?"

"Talent, my dear. Just sheer talent."

"That, and S and M monthly."

"Did you see the latest article? Clove Hitch vs. Square Knot: Which holds best in a pinch!"

"Please, let’s proceed."

"Do you know what their favorite TV program is? Knott’s Landing!"

"I could have sworn it would be ‘Rawhide.’ "

"My bet was on Petticoated Junction," added Helen.

"Enough, already. So far, we have a few good quiz shows, one possible sitcom, a soap and now I would like a few back-ups, so let’s get to it. Here’s a rather trite idea I’m tossing out – maybe a few words here and there could make it better. Here goes: A man, out of work, moves in with a sister, or possibly an aunt. He tries to find work but no one is hiring, except at the office where his relative works. OK, what next?"

Helen started: "Well, maybe he could inquire about a position, and find it is open to females only, or is a job usually done by girls. With his relative’s help he gets dressed as a female, and applies for the job. Later, he might get caught, and have to endure some sort of trial or punishment by the office staff."

Ann broke in: "Trial? We want to keep this light, not some sort of endurance, Go on."

"Oh, the trial would be something like getting a facial, a new hairdo or shopping at a mall. Maybe a date with a lesbian, where they go to a female-oriented bar."

"Sounds like too many of those stories in sex-shop books," Sandy stated, "Why not have him go to a regular business, and have him sexually harassed like all the other secretaries. He could organize the ladies, have them stand up to the company, and maybe sue."

"How interesting," noted Helen, "We seem to be having a male heroine!"

Vikki charged in: "How about a twist? The guy isn’t really out of a job. He’s employed as an undercover investigator for a law firm, and dresses as a female to get evidence of the sexual harassment. Following programs could show him in other places like a restaurant, working as a waitress, doing the same thing."

"OK, we can try that. Thanks, Vikki."

"Wait, is there any time period we are putting these programs in," queried Helen, "after all, some may not be suitable for minors!"

"We’ll try the usual afternoon soap and the prime-time night periods as a starter. If all goes well, we’ll add more changes as the season progresses," was Ann’s reply. "I seem to think quiz shows might be good to start out with, because people don’t seem to mind being made fools of, if they think they’re going to make money from it. Here’s another idea: we get three guys from various colleges, maybe fraternity presidents or football tight ends, dress them in those real cute cheerleader uniforms with adorable frilly pink panties, you know the kind I mean, and then we suspend them on swings over vats filled with warm water, with a gel added, or chocolate pudding or something equally tasty. We ask questions, the low team score at half-time and at the game’s end gets them dropped into the liquid."

"I’ve never heard of man flavored Jelly," quipped Jackie, "but I might go for the other."

Groans were heard from all present.

"Hey, I was thinking that we could suspend them on a harness, and sort of dip them for each wrong answer," Helen added.

"Sam, make a note of that!"

"Another poor bunch of guys," was Sam’s contribution.

"Quiet, Sam, or we’ll try these out on you! Maybe, if you’re real good, we’ll add candy sprinkles."

 

Ok, one more to go from the fingers of Annie O.

 

 

 

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© 2002 by Ann O'Nonymous. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.