This is a work of reality! It is autobiographical and written on feelings and observations gathered by me!

 

My Makeover

by

Lisa Elizabeth

 

Being transgendered is a rather ill defined thing. This topic covers a wide range of people and interests. You have the people that dress up one time and are quite happy. Then at the other end of the spectrum are those with an undying burning desire to become the gender they were not born. A lot of people fall somewhere in between those two extremes. I am one of them.

Like many others, I started dressing at an early age. Six or seven I think. Back in those olden days, before pantyhose! Of course, everything was way too big on me then and there wasn't anyone to play 'dress up' with so it didn't happen often.

About the age of nine though, I had grown to where I was close enough to my Mom's size that things fit a little better. That's when I discovered panties, girdles, stockings, bras, dresses, wigs, hats and heels. Sounds like a lot? Not for a lady in 1963. Pretty much required items to look your best! I had the use of all of them, as long as Mom and Dad were out somewhere.

I would baby-sit my little sister on Saturday mornings while Dad was working and Mom went to the beauty shop and grocery shopping. This gave me a once a week chance to explore and have fun for three or four hours, as long as I could get my sister to take a nap!

When I progressed into my later teen years, I started to ask 'WHY'. Why do I like to dress? Why do I have a need to dress? I had noticed that there were times when the desire to dress as a girl was constantly on my mind. No matter what I did, those thoughts remained. I figured something must not be quite right when in college, I wondered what I would look like in my date's outfit! Fortunately, I lived in an apartment and could satisfy the urge when it presented itself.

Eventually, I married. Coming out to my wife was a very hard thing to do. Here we are, newlyweds, and living in our first home. Married only a few months when the urge to dress returned! It took a lot of talking. A lot of crying. A lot of reassuring. That was just what my wife did for me! I had to calm her fears too! Eventually we reached a sort of agreement. I dressed when the urge got bad; otherwise, I put everything away. This arrangement sounds pretty familiar to some of you readers.

During all of this, that nagging question always ran through my mind...WHY??? The old adage goes...If I only knew why, I could fix it! That was to become a goal for me later in life.

Kids, advancing careers, travelling jobs, all came and went. The urge to dress remained. When the urge would hit me, it was truly an obsession! As time would pass, the desire to dress would increase. Eventually becoming the predominant thought that passed through my mind during the day. Unless I was extremely busy designing or trouble shooting something I thought about going home and slowly sliding on a pair of panties, then pantyhose, hooking a bra and filling the cups, finally putting on a dress and heels. This was strange, because a great sense of relief would occur at this point of the transformation. The makeup and wig were not ALWAYS needed to satisfy the obsession!

Life continues and careers change. As those of you that attended my 'author's chat' know, I now own my own business. This brings on a myriad of responsibilities and pressures that I never knew about before. Those pressures seemed to be the trigger for increased frequency of wanting to dress. I spent many a lunch hour going home to dress, just so I could concentrate on building my business in the afternoon. I must tell you, that is not a comfortable way to live.

About my third year in business, I hired a consulting firm to help me improve my business. They introduced me to L. Ron Hubbard technology for business growth. For those of you in business, it works quite well! A side offshoot of this was that I reheard about 'Dianetics'. I had read the book in college and had always thought it would be neat to try. I now had a chance to do just that!

I went through a preliminary screening and was asked, in private, what topic I would like to cover. Being scared out of my mind someone would find out I crossdressed, I covered topics related to my business. After a few sessions and getting comfortable with what all was happening, I saw the results of what I was doing. I learned things about myself that were preventing me from building my business, and just like I had thought...When I knew why...I was able to fix it!

Eventually I went into a session in the middle of an urge to dress. I decided then and there, I wanted to know WHY! So when I was asked what topic I would like to cover, I said 'crossdressing and why I do it'.

Probably one of the hardest things I ever did. The only response was 'Okay! Let's get started!’

After many hours and lots of self-introspection and yes, peeling things away 'like an onion’; I came face to face with the 'WHY'. (Insert dramatic music here) (Hey! Lady! Don't go in there! Can't you hear the music?) When you get to that point in looking at your own life, you really want to get it over with. It is a long hard road and you become very weary travelling it. Yet, it is scary to think that what comes next, altered your life so-o-o dramatically!

For me the big bad WHY was established at the age of six. It was also in the language and emotional context of a six-year-old, scared, very upset, little boy. My paternal father had abandoned our family when I was six. He had run off with the lady downstairs, who left two little girls with their father. The final big thought was "If I were a little girl, this wouldn't be happening to me". Pretty heavy words for a six-year-old. Also a very large burden for someone forty years old! I realized this was the root of my obsession, the WHY that drove me to dress in stressful situations. After all, 'If I were a girl, this wouldn't be happening to me!' It was as if someone lifted a two thousand-pound weight from my shoulders! I left that session elated over finding out the 'WHY'. After a while, when you find there is no desire to dress, the thought becomes; 'WHY is there no desire to dress??'

I have now lived the last nine years without the desire to dress! Everything I read, everyone I talk to says that just can't be. There is no cure! Learn to accept it! But it is true! No more obsessions, no using lunch hour to run off and dress, actually saying my wife looks lovely in a dress and not wondering what it would look like on me! This was ALL new, and something I had dreamed of for a very long time.

I have continued to stay in touch with the TG community. My writing has become a way of expression. My first story was written as a way to free myself from those left over items inside me. I publish under a pen name, chosen from my character in that story. My fem self never had a name when I dressed with regularity. So for me, the last nine years have been very different, without an urge to dress! In a way, that brings up a whole list of other questions!

Is the urge REALLY gone? What happens if I DO try on a pair of pantyhose? A bra? A dress? Will the desire to crossdress return with a vengence? Or is the urge really gone and all those feminine items are 'just clothes'? All these questions have run around in my mind for a few years. I finally decided I needed to know!

I started talking to my wife, about a year ago, about what I had been thinking and what I felt I needed to do. In my own mind, I needed to face my own demon, so to speak. In a controlled environment, do a complete transformation and see what happens. Quite a large and very scary task when you consider all the emotional baggage I thought I was done with.

We talked and agreed that if it was something I needed to do, I should do it. I was originally going to do it over the Christmas holiday. Take one extra day off and go to a boutique that specialized in doing such things. The place I chose? Transformations by Rori in the Chicago area. I had gathered information via the Internet about the services offered and just what I could expect when I arrived for the 'makeover'. They currently have a message board and a chatroom so you can ask questions about how things are done and other girl's experiences there.

Those plans changed when I had a chance to go to the Chicago area earlier than planned. A last minute mailing informed me of a continuing education seminar to be held in early December. I had chatted and left messages and knew what to expect. I then set the appointment for a Thursday afternoon, after my sessions were done for the day.

The next ten days were nerve wracking. I had talked to one of the girls that frequent Rori's message board, named Janet. She is a very nice person and willing to go out of her way to help a so-called 'newbie' to the 'transformation experience'. I asked if she could come and provide moral support and maybe go to dinner afterward. She accepted the offer so I would get to meet someone I had been talking with at the appointment.

I did go out and buy panties and hose beforehand. Lingerie of that nature are not items that can be rented. I then spent the rest of the time wondering what would happen. I was very scared, but determined to go through with the makeover. It was rather distracting, so I threw myself into work and writing in order to keep myself busy.

The day of the makeover arrived. I attended my seminar and when it ended for the day I returned to my room and changed into the panties and pantyhose I had bought. Then did as close a shave as possible and moisturized my face. With the change in water, some of you know, you can look like you tried to commit 'Hari-Kari' when you shave. I am no exception! Lots of little red raised areas formed from the close shave. My thought was 'Oh S***! This is going to make the makeover harder to do'!

A check of the clock said I had to run or be late, so no more procrastinating, out the door I went. The drive was only about ten minutes to the store, a very short ten minutes when there is a mix of fear and excitement warring inside you.

I arrived on time for my appointment and was met by Rori. I must tell you that she tries very hard to put everyone at ease right from the start. Janet was also there as she promised to be along with Stephanie and Lynn. After all the introductions and a little small talk, we got started on the makeover. I had decided to rent whatever I needed, as I did not intend on going out dressed that night. It was not the purpose of the makeover.

Rori sized me up. She has a good eye for that. And then in looking through the racks of clothes she asked what I wanted to look like. I wasn't sure what image I wanted to portray so Rori suggested an evening gown and jacket in my favorite color. She picked out a deep blue sheath dress with a matching jacket. Along with a bra and a pair of breast prosthetics, I was ready to change clothes.

While I changed she found a pair of pumps with a two-inch heel for me to wear and prepared the makeup area for me. This was the first time I had dressed in nine years! The dressing went fine. I remembered how to put on a bra, then remembered to adjust the straps so the prosthetics sat over my own breast tissue properly. I slipped on the dress and the jacket and checked the mirror. Not bad from the neck down! Need to lose a couple of pounds, but ok.

Let me take a moment to tell you about the feelings involved here. Nine years earlier the sliding on of pantyhose, the hooking of a bra and the slipping into a dress were all very sensual moments. My skin would actually tingle when I dressed. This time? None of that! I stood in the dressing area looking in the mirror. I had just dressed myself as a woman and the only feeling was relief that I had remembered how! No tingles, no sensual sliding of the garments, I just got dressed!

When I left the dressing room Rori had the heels for me and let me walk around the shop for a moment to get used to them again. Walking in heels for the first time in nine years took a little getting used to. Then we moved over to her makeup station and the real work began.

Rori started with a beard cover. Then a foundation. She then spent a long time on my eyes, she said she was going to go a bit more dramatic, evening makeup, since I was in a long gown. Eyeshadows were blended, eyeliner and mascara, all were applied and the transformation took place in the mirror in front of me. She used some concealer to add highlights and to shape my face into a more feminine image. When she did my lips, I was really surprised! I have no lower lip to speak of, I mean I had to be asleep when God passed out lower lips, there just isn't a lot there. When Rori was done, I had a lower lip! Not only that she added a little bit of a highlight to the middle and it gave me a 'pouty' look!

Rori said we were ready for hair now. She suggested staying a brunette, if I had wanted to try blonde she would redo my makeup to match, but felt brunette would be better. She reached up, took a shoulder blade length wig off a head, and placed it on me. She played with it for a minute and then I played with it for a few minutes while she helped another customer. It just didn't look right. I looked at all the wigs and a shorter style caught my eye. I took the head and held it next to me, it looked like it might be better. When Rori returned I asked about the shorter wig. She knew exactly which one and when we changed wigs, I looked much better. This one is a little long on top but short on the sides and just a little flip up of hair at the collar. I see a lot of women with similar styles everyday, so it is a current style.

A little fluffing and a little repositioning of the bangs and 'Voila!’ Lisa Elizabeth was in the mirror. The only things added was a pair of blue and gold earrings and I was ready for my debut.

It was nice to look in the mirror and see a nice looking woman looking back. Not 'gorgeous' or 'stunning' but a pretty lady was there. I was surprised that I could look at my 'girl' self and evaluate my appearance without the fantasy drifting into that evaluation. I had never been able to do that before.

Janet, Lynn and I had been chatting the whole time, Janet was full of praise for how nice I looked, and Lynn felt the shorter wig was a better choice too. Both were encouraging me to go out dressed that night. I declined; repeating that going out dressed was not the reason for the makeover today. I was also way overdressed to be out for dinner with them. Now, if Janet had worn a tux...

I had also arranged for pictures to be taken of me after the makeover. Rori took out her digital camera, stuck in a new floppy disc and we proceeded to pose around the shop for the ten pictures that the disc will hold. I have those pictures stored. They are a lasting reminder of that evening.

After a while of talking and visiting Rori mentioned, it was time for her to close the store. I stated that I had better change and remove all the makeup so we could let her go home. She looked at me and I thought she was going to cry. Rori asked one more time if I was positive I didn't want to go out dressed as Lisa. I assured her that it was okay and that I would consider doing that at a future date.

The tear down was very straightforward. Remove the wig, use makeup remover on the eye makeup, soap and water for the base and beard cover. What took over an hour to put together was undone in ten to fifteen minutes. Changing back into my 'guy' clothes went just as quick. Soon all was put away and returned and I was ready to go to dinner with two new friends, Janet and Lynn. Stephanie had somewhere else to be and couldn't stay for dinner.

The rest of the evening was a casual dinner at a place called Wellington's. It is a very good restaurant that is CD friendly. The three of us had good food, good conversation and made two new friends each. We have even managed to stay in touch through e-mail and message boards.

So what happened in the aftermath of this little experiment? I have waited for a little over a month to see what would happen. I have gone through the year end stresses of my business along with the added stresses of the holiday season. The result is there still has not been a desire to crossdress!

I asked myself, just what does all this mean? I gave myself some questions and some answers.

Knowing that the obsession to dress did not come back means to me that I truly have faced my own personal demon and I have won! Will I ever crossdress again? I don't know! I can't say 'never' and I can't say 'yes' with certainty. Will I have another 'Makeover'? Again, I really don't know. Will I ever go out as Lisa? Again, I have no need to do that but you never know what the future will bring.

I have been asked to be a 'Matron of Honor' for a friend's re-marriage ceremony. It however, is in the very early stages, so I don't know yet! If it does come to pass, then the answer to all the questions above is yes.

The parts of the transformation that would normally have been seen through an emotionally charged mind were seen with calm and clarity for the first time. There is no 'thrill' to dressing; they truly are 'just clothes'. There was curiosity in watching Rori work her artistry on my face. There was a critical look at the final product when I realized that the hairstyle was wrong and decided on a different wig. The pictures? They are a reminder to me that I did do this and came out of it a more confident person.

The biggest change to me is that I now know that crossdressing is no longer an obsession. It is no longer the tail that wags the dog. I now control it! I no longer fear it! That is a giant change in the way my life goes. It is what I was looking for, when years ago, I first asked 'WHY'.

For the past nine years, those questions were in the back of my mind. What would happen if...? Now I know what will happen. If I decide to have a makeover and go out some night, it is because I want to do it, not because I have a need to do it. I have also seen over the past nine years that my yin and yang have come together and made me the whole person I should have been all along. I don't need to dress as a girl to be nurturing or to cry or clean the house, etc., etc... Prior to that, it was like I was male when dressed male and female when dressed female. Now it is all integrated, sort of like a 'Jane Thompson' student, only it took me twenty-eight years instead of six to nine months.

I am still learning more about me every day. I still have long talks with my wife. I am still the Dad that can fix most anything my children can break! I honestly want to learn more about myself, it just seems that the more I know, the more questions I ask. Guess that is just part of who I am.

All told, I feel this was a very important step for me. It was nice to know that I look somewhat like my Mom did twenty years ago. I should have expected that, after all I am her child. It was wonderful to know that I didn't experience the 'Oh My God!!! I'm Beautiful!!' syndrome when Rori was done working her magic. Instead, I saw a nice looking woman in the mirror. Someone who could go out if she wanted to.

It was more a 'Oh My God!! I need to lose some weight!' type thing. The yin part was talking pretty loudly at that point. I had started to do that before the makeover, a four-month illness had caused a large weight gain, so I was already trying to get that added poundage off. The holidays stopped the diet but now I have resumed that long hard road to thinness...well... less weight anyway!

So the makeover was a success! I can say that with confidence. I would also recommend Transformations to anyone in the Chicago area or who is going to be visiting there some time. I had a very enjoyable experience with a wonderful group of people. It was a very comfortable experience and no one pressured me to do things or to dress any way that would have caused discomfort.

The way I achieved this stage in my life is not the route for everyone. I traveled a road that worked for me. I also made sure that every step of the way; it was what I wanted to do, not what someone else thought I should do. To me that is important. I need to make sure that the path I travel has been chosen by me. Call me a control freak, you would probably be right! That may be why I asked that first question 'WHY' so long ago. I really didn't feel in control of my life during that time. Now I have much more control, and THAT is a good thing!

Fin

 

 

 

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© 2003 by Lisa Elizabeth. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.