My Heart's Desire               by: Stacy Bolan

Part 1 - The Transplant

 

From as early as I can remember, father had always taught me to be a man's man. He always told me "Michael, women were only good for one thing and that is sex. If any man doesn't want sex with a woman he is nothing." I guess I learned my lessons only too well. I used women as sex toys and once I grew sick of them, they were thrown away. It was this attitude that saw me in hospital that fateful day. A man whose daughter I had gotten pregnant and discarded decided to kill me. Had he not heard the police sirens I am sure I would have died.

My father's money and position aided my recovery. How else would I have had the best heart surgeon working on me. I soon learnt that I had been stabbed at least a dozen times and that my heart had been damaged. So when Mr. Armstrong entered the room I knew he had bad news for me. I wasn't prepared for what he told me though. "Mr. Buteri you have a defect in your heart and nothing short of a transplant will save your life" he told me. "Mr. Armstrong money is no matter, just get me a heart" I demanded. "Money is not going to help you. You are on a waiting list and just like everyone else you will need to wait" he told me. I was shattered, I was only 22 and the son of one of the richest men in the world and I wasn't going to wait. Father would just have to pay whatever it cost to keep me alive. As he went to leave I just laughed at him and said "We'll see Mr. Armstrong, money can get anything."

When my father came into the room with Mr. Armstrong, you could see it in his face. He knew what was wrong with me. Before he could say anything, I knew that he would do whatever it took to keep me alive. "Son I'm taking you home with me" he said. "We will get you a heart no matter what it costs." "But Mr. Buteri, you can't just buy a heart and use it. It must be compatible" implored Mr. Armstrong. "Just get out of our way Armstrong or I'll ruin you" ordered my father. Knowing my father always followed through on his threats Mr. Armstrong left the room.

A day later father had another specialist looking after me. Mr. Levers was the best father could buy. Father ordered him to get me a heart as soon as possible. Within a week, Levers had found a heart and I was recovering from surgery. We didn't know where the heart came from and we didn't care. I was alive and well, that's all that mattered. My recovery was quicker than everyone expected. My only problems were the blackouts I seemed to be having and how tired I always was. But I was a man's man and that wasn't going to stop me.

Two months after the transplant, father decided to send me interstate on family business. He must have thought it would stop me doing all of the weird things I was doing. What he didn't know was that I did them all when I blacked out. I had shaved my legs and upper body, I had pierced not one but both of my ears and bleached my hair. What he didn't know though was that I had also shaved my pubic area like a woman's. It really worried me but I always found a reason not to do anything about it. Maybe the rip would do me good.

Leaving the airport in the rental car, I was forced to take a detour because of road works. When I finally stopped, I was lost in an industrial area. The only place that looked to be open was a strange looking shop. With no other choice I entered the shop and found I was in an antique shop. The woman who came out of the back to serve looked like some kind of a gypsy. She smiled at me and asked, "What can I do for you?" I asked her for directions and she soon told me how to get to my destination. I thanked her and as I was leaving she said "Beware of your heart, it will fulfill it's desire." I just smiled and left her and her weird shop.

After finding my way to the motel, I decided to have an early night and went to bed after requesting a wake-up call for 8.30am. The next morning when I woke up I felt weird. Although I had slept for over 8 hours, I was really tired and felt itchy all over. Looking at the clock I saw it was still early and thought I might get a little more sleep. When the wake-up call came it woke me from a weird dream. Thanking the woman for the wake-up call I quickly got out of bed and went to shower.

After my shower, which seemed like 5 minutes but in fact was more like 20 I felt better. Then when I went to shave, I noticed that I was clean faced. That was strange, but it left me more time for breakfast before I went to the meeting. Just before I left my room, I remembered needing to take my anti-rejection drugs. I quickly grabbed the bottle and took two. I then went down to breakfast and had a good meal. It made me feel even better and I decided it was time to go to the meeting.

As I was leaving the motel I passed reception and was told that I had a message. I asked them to keep it for me and then left. The meeting didn't go well and I returned to the motel in a bad mood. I went straight to the bar and had a few drinks before going to reception and getting my message. When I got back to the room I opened the message and read it. I was disgusted it obviously wasn't meant for me. Some gay man must have been writing to his gay boyfriend. I mean who else would write things like "I loved sucking your cock and having you suck mine. You looked quite good as a woman. I will see you again tonight at 7.00pm." I just screwed up the message and threw it away.

As my flight was just after 6.00pm, I had a couple of hours to waste after checking out. I had heard of a strip club nearby and thought why not. Leaving the car in the car park I entered the club and sat down up front. When the first girl came on stage I liked her look. She was a blonde and had huge breasts. After dancing along to the music for a while she removed her top and bounced around the stage. A couple of minutes later, she teased the crowd motioning for us to cheer. When a cheer went up she turned and removed her panties with her back to us. She then turned and I was surprised to see she had a cock and balls. She then came over and blew a kiss directly at me.

Normally, seeing something like that would have sickened me but I was intrigued. In fact she aroused me. What was happening to me? I wasn't gay and being aroused by her was a gay reaction, wasn't it? I then looked at my watch and realized how late it was. I needed to get to the airport. As I was leaving the bouncer smiled at me, handed me a note and said, "You are sure one lucky guy." I was already in shock and just thanked him and left.

When I got back to the car I remembered the note and opened it up. It was in the same handwriting as the previous one. When I read it, I felt sick to my stomach. What it said was "Thank you again for last night Michael or should I call you Michelle. Thanks for coming back to the club to see me dance. I'm sorry to hear that you won't be able to meet me again tonight. Next time you're in town don't forget to come and see me. Love Sam". Did I really dress as a woman and suck her cock? No, I couldn't have, it was all some sort of a mistake.

I had to get away from here and think things through. When I finally made it to the airport, I was only too glad to board my flight and leave. During the flight I just had to read the note again. It wasn't for me I kept thinking, but the bouncer had handed it directly to me. I was so confused, I didn't know what was happening to me. It was then that I knew I had to see a psychiatrist. My only problem was hiding it from my father. He just wouldn't understand and would brand me a weakling.

I think I must have been in luck when I returned home. Father had left for an urgent business trip for a week and I was able to make an appointment for 9.30am the next day with a Dr. Cohen. Having made the appointment I decided to go out for the night, but first I would need a shower. I was in the shower, when I realized that once again I had shaved my legs and upper body. That would explain my lost time in the motel shower. I hadn't cried in years, but not knowing what was wrong with me I just broke down and cried.

When I regained control of myself, I decided that I had better stay in. I watched TV until about 9.00pm and then went to bed. I woke up the next day and noticed the time was 1.30pm. Oh no, I thought I had missed my appointment. I grabbed the phone and called the doctor's rooms to apologize to the doctor. When I got through to Dr. Cohen's receptionist, I introduced myself and she remembered me. She asked me to hold for one moment and then came back and said, "Mr. Buteri, the doctor has asked if you can come in again tomorrow at the same time?" I was so happy that they could rearrange my appointment and quickly agreed.

The next day I was showered and dressed by 8.00am. I arrived at the doctor's rooms at 9.00am. When Dr. Cohen's receptionist told me to go in, I was still unsure as to what I should tell the doctor. I waited a few minutes and was very unsure of myself, when Dr. Cohen came into the room. His first words to me really shocked me. He said, "Thanks for coming in again today, I was a little concerned about you after yesterday. You left in such a hurry and I didn't know if you'd be back." "Back" I said, "I've never been here before, are you mad."

Dr. Cohen looked at me and said, "Now Micheal, it is Michael isn't it? We don't use that word here. You may not remember being here yesterday, but you were here. Well, at least your alter ego Michelle was." "My what?" I screamed feeling absolutely shattered. "Michael, you need to settle down. Schizophrenia is a lot more common than many people would think. With time we can help you and maybe cure you." Dr. Cohen told me in a very soothing voice.

Feeling very short of breath and very lightheaded I blacked out. When I woke I was lying on the couch in Dr. Cohen's room and he was looking at me with concern. "Michael are you back?" asked Dr. Cohen. "Back from where?" I answered. "Wherever it is you go when, Michelle takes over? he inquired. I just looked at him for a while and then he asked me, "Michael are you all right?"

I was unable to speak. All I could do was look at him. I knew I was not well but schizophrenia. Maybe that explained what was going on. I had been doing some things that I could not remember. Dr. Cohen then told me "Just lay there Michael and we'll get someone to help you." The next thing I heard was Dr. Cohen's voice speaking to his receptionist. I couldn't hear exactly what he said, but I was worried about it. What was he doing? Would my father find out about me? In a blind panic I quickly got off the couch and was out the door before he could stop me.

Being in a state of shock, I ran from the building and left my car where I parked it. I didn't know where to go or what to do. Hours later I found myself close to home. My next thoughts were should I just disappear or should I go home? What if they are waiting for me? Before I knew it though I was at my front door and inside. I decided that staying here was dangerous for me. I needed to go somewhere else and lie low. I grabbed the keys for my father's car and then left.

Soon after I found myself booking into a motel. Totally exhausted I laid down on the bed and fell asleep.

When I woke it was dark and I was unsure of where I was. All I knew was that I somehow needed to set things right. As I rolled over and turned on the light, I felt something stab me. When I turned on the light, I saw that it was a pen and that I was lying on some paper. I rolled off it and picked it up. On it was a message to me from Michelle: "Michael it is safe to go home, I didn't give them our address. They think we live on the other side of town. We will be safe."

I really was sick, I had started writing notes to myself. I even had signed it Michelle. I knew then that Michelle and I were one and the same but where had she come from? I couldn't remember being like this before. When did it all start? Not knowing whether it would work or not I decided to try something. I wrote a note to Michelle. In the note I asked her to tell me about herself. I then tried to go to sleep, knowing that she only appeared when I was asleep.

Hours later I woke up and found that Michelle had answered my note. Her response let me know that she was the woman whose heart I now had and that I was not schizophrenic. In fact she was now capable of possessing my body because I had her heart. Her name was not Michelle but she thought it would be easier for me to accept that name. She also let me know that Mr. Levers had killed her so that I could live. She had been part of a study that he had conducted and from the records he had chosen her as the donor. She then explained that she was going to use me to get revenge on the people responsible for her death. She also left me a warning that if I tried to hurt us, she would stop me.

She had me, I knew that she was capable of doing all that she said. She had after all had me shave myself and have sex with Sam. I would have to go along with her until I could figure out how to stop her. Just how I was going to do that though was something I had no idea about. So that Michelle thought I was cooperating, I checked out of the motel and returned home. Nobody was at home, so I sat down to think about my situation.

After about 20 minutes, I knew what I was going to do. Michelle had better control over me when I slept. Maybe, I could have her exorcised before she next took control of me. I knew it was a long shot but I had to try. I had to hurry though because if I fell asleep, she would control me and stop me. As I stood up, I knew I was in trouble. She had control of my body and I was going up stairs instead of out the door. When I got to my room, I undressed and went to the bathroom. Once there I started feeling my legs and upper body. I could feel some stubble and I knew I would be shaving again.

After I had shaved again, I got dressed again and went downstairs and picked up my car keys. After calling for a taxi, I was forced to sit and wait for it. When it arrived I told the taxi driver to take me to the car park near Dr. Cohen's rooms. After arriving I went and collected my car and then drove home. When I got home I was forced to look up a psychologist and make an appointment.

I went to the appointment and was forced to tell the doctor that I thought I was really a woman. She had me do some tests and the results confirmed my earlier statement. When the doctor left her rooms for a moment, I quickly searched her desk and stole a prescription pad. She then returned and gave me a prescription for some female hormones and some tranquilizers. I thought I understood what the hormones were for, but why the tranquilizers? Her next words to me cleared up my question. She had noticed that I looked a bit tired and thought they may help me to sleep.

I then left the doctors and went to a pharmacy to get the hormones and tranquilizers. So that was Michelle's plan, was it? She was going to make me a woman and I wouldn't be able to stop her. After the pharmacy I returned home and took a tranquilizer. The next morning I found myself back in control of my body and that Michelle had left me a note. It read, "Have you guessed my plans for you, Michael? Won't it be so nice? Just remember I can control you anytime I want. If you try to stop me again, you will never have control of your body again."

My only hope was that she would slip up and leave me in control at some stage. Maybe when my father returned he would notice something and help. Unfortunately, he wasn't due back for at least four days. What could she do to me or have me do in this time? If I tried anything I knew she could stop me, but would she be able to stop someone else. Only time would tell.

 

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