Murder is Easy

Janet L. Stickney
JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com

 

I was rudely shoved to the ground and roughly held there by two guys, then I felt my skirt being yanked up. Without pausing, my panties were taken down to my knees and I felt his hands on my hips. Discovering my secret, he punched me in the head a few times, then he pushed against me, making me yowl in pain. He kept pushing until he finally pushed into me. I was ashamed, afraid and humiliated past the point of tears, then he hit it, and I jerked. I heard him laugh as each thrust became harder, and I found myself unwillingly moving with each thrust. He finished with me and another took his place, then the third. I lay there in tattered ruins as they ran away, leaving me in a pool of spent sex and blood stained clothing. Dragging myself up, I staggered to the car. Knowing that I needed help, and I needed it quickly, I drove myself to the hospital. The nurse must have seen me walk in, because I was rapidly whisked into a small room where she began to remove my clothes. Crying as she released the bra, I grabbed the breast forms, and slowly handed them to her. She did not say a word as I finished undressing and put on the thin gown I had been handed. Stroking my head with her hand, she told me that she had to call both the police and my parents. As much trouble as I was in, I gave her the number, then, with a pat on my hand, she told me the doctor would be right in.

A bleakness overcame me so quickly that it bordered on sheer fright. I had been violated in the very worst way, torn and abused, then cast aside, yet I knew that more abuse lay ahead. The abysmal future I knew was coming could not be avoided; then it began, the moment my parents walked into the room. My dad exploded, and it was only because the police were there that I didn't suffer any more damage. My father restrained himself after looking into the eyes of the police officer and the nurse, but when he looked at me… I still wore the makeup, my hair still brushed into the same feminine style, and my nails were painted red. There was no way I could hide what I had done, which meant that I was going to be in for it the first chance he got me alone. I didn't know the guys that raped me, but I would never forget their faces. I told the police what happened and where, then agreed to look at some pictures, but I knew in my heart that my liberty and the pursuit of happiness meant nothing any more. The doctor repaired the damage, then, after a lot of tests were taken, he told me I could go, but I wanted to stay. I wanted to avoid the sure and certain trashing I was going to get the moment my parents got me home. When I finally had to go home, I had to wear the skirt and blouse, everything else I carried in a small bag. Dad drove my car while I rode with mom, who was very quiet until we were almost at home.

"You better go take a shower and wash up honey. You're father is livid, especially after he warned you the last time we caught you all dressed up, so you don't want him to see you like this."

"Why not? I mean, all he's going to do is beat the hell out of me, so why get any of my other clothes bloody?"

"He isn't going to beat you, I promise you that much."

"Didn't do any good the last time you said that, did it?"

"No, but…"

"I'm not changing mother. What the hell, I've been raped, so why not get trashed by my dad to boot and get it over with?"

My dad, as angry as he was, never touched me. I stood there looking like I had slept in a dumpster, still wearing the blood stained clothes, my hair still a mess, and my makeup streaked, waiting for the first blow. He wasn't known for his patience, yet he stared at me as if I were worse than an alien for a long while before he spoke.

"Goddamn faggot! I told you not to do this again, yet here you are, all messed up after going out to troll the streets! Maybe you like it rough…is that it?"

"Stop that! He wasn't out trolling and you know it!"

"Yeah, well, in case you don't see it, our son is wearing a skirt! And makeup! He was out at night, in that place, so what else am I supposed to think?"

"That he likes being a girl?"

Turning to me, mom told me to go clean up, so I quickly left the room, leaving them to argue it out. I had a shiner, both wrists hurt, and my tender ass felt as if…it hurt too. In the shower I washed everything, yet the stain of being raped would not wash off no matter how hard I scrubbed. I crawled into bed and lay there, wondering just how long it was going to take for the word to filter out that I had been raped while dressed as a girl. Not long I was sure. The next morning my mom came in and woke me up, telling me that a police officer would be over in an hour or so! I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost ten! I slipped on some jeans and a shirt, my gym shoes, then brushed out my hair, pulling it back into my usual low ponytail before I ventured out of my room. Dad wasn't around, only mom. She poured out some coffee, made some toast, then sat across from me.

"You're father wants you to leave" mom said suddenly, "but you're not 18 yet, so he can't just throw you out, and I wouldn't let him anyway."

"Yeah, well, maybe I should plan on leaving anyway mom. I can't say why I do it, but I'm not going to give up dressing as a girl, that's for sure, not now. Why should I? Now that everyone I know is going to find out anyway, and that's especially true if dad wants me to go. I'll leave first and save him the trouble."

"That's what I told him last night. He knows it's true, that you like to dress up, but he doesn't want to believe it. That's why he's so mad."

"I'll leave as soon as I can mom. I'll find a place, I'll be fine.."

But it wasn't fine. My dad came in just about then, saw me, scowled, stood there staring at me. I was positive that he was going to take out his anger on me, and probably would have if my mother had not managed to get herself between us.

"You're not a man, you…you're a…pussy! Trolling the streets dressed like that…you got what you deserved! Damned faggot! You're no son of mine!"

"Yeah, I heard that before dad."

"Don't you talk back to me boy!" he said raising his fists.

"I'm going to go pack mom, I can't stay here any more." Turning to dad…"I was raped. I wasn't out trolling as you put it; I wasn't doing anything except minding my own business, and those guys attacked me. It could have been anyone, except that it was me. You think I was out trolling? Fine. I can't change your mind and I'm not even going to try. I'm going to move out instead. If you think that smacking me is going to change anything, then go ahead!" He stood there fuming, but stayed put. "I'm going to leave. That way you can live in your myopic little world all by yourself."

I pushed by mom, ignoring my father, who had raised his fist and started towards me, and went to my room, leaving him standing there stewing. I threw all of my clothes in a few bags, and took them to the car, then packed up my computer and took that as well. Leaving behind all sorts of memento's, I hugged mom before I got in the car and drove away. I had no idea where I was going to go, and with only a few thousand dollars in my savings, I couldn't last long unless I went very cheap. The police had not arrived at the house by the time I left, but I had to get out of there before things erupted into one big melee. I didn't even bother to think about them, until a cop car pulled me over. As I watched in the mirror, a female cop got out of her car and approached my window.

"I can guess why you left, but you did know that I wanted to talk to you?"

"Yeah, I knew, but I had to get out of there more than I needed to stay and wait for you."

"Follow me" she said, then got in her car and drove to a small café. Once we were seated in a booth…"Can you identify the guys that did that to you?" Nodding my head yes, she said…"It's not a crime to dress as a girl you know. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Ask my dad. According to him, I was out looking for it! He thinks I'm a whore or something."

"Your father is scared. For you, and for him."

"Yeah, for himself maybe, but not about me. He's worried what his buddies will say. He isn't the slightest bit worried about me. He only threatened me. He didn't say a thing when I packed up and left this morning. How's that for caring?"

"So…you don't have any place to stay?"

"I'll find something. I'll be okay."

"No" she said softly, "you won't be okay. Besides, you're still a minor, which means that your parents are still responsible for you."

"I'm not going back there!, My dad will beat me to an unrecognizable pulp if I go back there!"

"I understand how you feel, I really do. What if I said that I knew someone that needed a room mate? Someone that could help you understand what's going on?"

My first reaction was to say no, but she insisted that the person she knew could help me, and I finally agreed to at least meet the person. Then she and I went over every detail of my attack, from the moment I left the house to the time I first saw her at the hospital. After coaxing me to follow her, we drove to a small but neat house on the other side of town. She knocked on the door, and we were admitted by a young woman about thirty. She was about as tall as me, with rich brown hair, hazel eyes, and a very nice smile. She also had a knockout figure.

"Mary, this is Andy, the boy I told you about. Andy, this is my sister Mary."

Once we were in the house I got the shock of my life when Mary told me straight out that she was also a male, but lived as a woman! From head to toe, there wasn't one sign that she was a male like me!

"Please, sit down" Mary said, "and lets talk." Damn! She even sounded like a woman! "I'm sure that Janice probably has some crime to fight somewhere?" Janice, taking the hint, hugged both Mary and I, then left. "So, tell me all about it."

Mary had a way about her that allowed me to let it all out, starting with the rape and going all the way back to that first time I tried lipstick. I told her how I felt about being a girl, and my inability to control it. She listened without saying anything, just letting me vent it all. My fathers anger at me, my mother's disappointment, how they both combined to make me miserable or worse. I told her about the first time I went out, at night of course, then how I had worked up the nerve to actually buy something while I was dressed. Then I talked about how there was no way any of the kids in school wouldn't find out about the rape, and what I knew for sure was going to happen when they did. If it wasn't in the papers yet, it would be if they ever found the guys that did that to me and I had to testify at their trial. Then it would be public record, and the papers could print it. There would be no protection for me because I was over the age of 16, which meant that my name would be published as well. When I was done, I sat there sobbing quietly until…

"Then maybe we should talk about what it is that you want, rather than what you can't have."

"Huh?"

"You want your father to love you, your mother to respect you, and not have to worry about what anyone else thinks, especially your classmates, right?"

"Yeah, but…"

"Do you believe, in your heart, that you are really a girl?"

"Yeah, but…"

"Then maybe we should talk about how we make it possible for everyone to get what they want."

"How? My dad would just as soon smack me as not! He would never accept me as his daughter, never!"

"That's probably true, in the short term anyway, but in time, if you do what your heart tells you to do, then maybe he'll come around to accepting you as a person. I know that it's possible because I also had to go through it. You are his child, and he cannot take that away; somewhere in his heart I'll bet he still loves you, but is having a very hard time saying it."

"He won't, not after this, not ever!"

"Let's not worry about that right now. Let's talk about you instead."

About four hours had gone by when Janice showed up with my mother. Mary and I sat side by side as Janice told mom that I could, with her permission, stay with Mary. She also told mom that because the threat of violence from my dad was so palpable, she was going to recommend that I leave anyway. Since mom did not figure out that Mary was like me, and as much as she didn't like it, she agreed to let me stay with Mary. She knew that I would either stay there, or I would be on my own somewhere else anyway, and since knowing where I was living was better than not, she signed the paper Janice gave her.

"Mom?"

"Yes dear?"

"Tell dad to go to hell for me, will you?"

"I'm not going to tell him that!"

"Yeah well, I'm not ever coming home again, just so he can take out his anger on me. I don't know what makes me want to be a girl, and right now I couldn't care less. All I know is that dad will never accept me for the person I am, and he has yelled at, and smacked me for the very last time. Tell him that getting raped wasn't my fault, then tell him to go to hell mother!"

"Your father loves you! He just can't…he doesn't understand why you like to dress up! He thinks it's unnatural!"

"I think" Janice said, that maybe you two should talk later, when things cool down a little."

Janice and mom left, leaving Mary and I alone again. She showed me a room, and helped me unpack my few pitiful things, then she left me alone to sort through things, set up the computer and so on. When I next saw her, she was looking through some pictures in an album. Sitting next to her, she explained every picture, where it was taken and so on. The earliest ones didn't even look like Mary, but the evolution she went through was all there, and the pictures ended with a full head shot that was fairly recent. Looking up at her, I started to sob. Heaving and hugging her, I tore myself inside out with doubt, until she finally sat me upright.

"How about showing me what this girl you become looks like? And what's her name?"

"Diane. But everything I have is…"

"I don't care about that Diane. Go get dressed while I make us a snack."

When I was ready, I stepped out of the room, walked into the kitchen, and stood there, hoping that Mary wouldn't laugh when she saw me. Mary was very gracious when she said that in her opinion, I didn't need that much help. We ate, and later, as we sat there, my mother called. She told me that dad had also agreed to my staying with Mary. She did not say if she gave him my message. When I went to school the next day I knew the word was out. Everyone was pointing and giggling. I had a horrible day until my best friend walked up and took me by the arm, dragging me into an empty room.

"Is it true?" he asked without any warning.

"Yeah. I got raped."

"Rumor has it that you were dressed as a girl." I didn't say anything, so…"I'm your best friend! Why didn't I know this? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh yeah, I can picture that! Not likely!"

"You don't trust me? After everything we've been through?"

"It's not that Dan, it's…"

"Your dad give you that black eye?"

"No, I got beat up pretty bad before they raped me."

"Can I come over tonight?"

"I…I don't live there any more. Dad and I…I moved out. I'm staying with a friend."

"Can I come over anyway?"

"You might not like what you see Dan."

"Why? Because you'll be all dressed up?"

"Maybe."

"Tell me where. I'll be over about seven." I walked away a few steps, then…"let me meet her" he said, stressing the word "her" before he walked away, leaving me to wonder what strangeness was going on in his head.

When I got there, I told Mary about Dan. I wasn't sure that I could expose myself to my best friend, and kept saying no, but Mary wasn't having any of that. She made it clear that I needed a friend, someone my age that I trusted and could trust with the truth. She told me that if Dan was as close a friend as I said he was, then I needed to tell him, show him, the girl I said I was, then talk to him. It was hard, and I wavered, but in the end, I gave in to her demands, which is when she told me to shower, get ready, and change, adding that she would put something out for me to wear, and later, she helped me with my hair and makeup. By the time Mary was done with me, I looked better than ever, and the clothes she loaned me fit really well. A knee length skirt with a soft angora top and flats, my hair down in a loose flip, my makeup almost so natural that it didn't look like I had any on. I was on pins and needles as I waited for Dan to show up, which allowed Mary to tease me a little. When he did arrive, Mary let him inside while I stood waiting for my best friend to pass judgment on me.

"Damn!" he said first, then…"Wow! You don't look at all like the guy I know!"

"I believe she didn't tell you she was cute?"

Mary grinned and walked into the kitchen, leaving Dan and I facing each other.

"Dan, I…"

"So. This is the girl; the one you couldn't tell me about?"

"Yeah' I said meekly, "I was afraid."

"But why?! Looking the way you do? Hell! You make Cindy look like a tramp!"

"For your sake, I don't think I'll tell your sister you said that!"

"Gee, thanks…by the way, what do I call you?"

"Diane."

"Tell me what happened."

Dan and I sat side by side as I told him how the rape happened, from the moment I left the house to the moment I left for the hospital. I told him how degrading it was to be held down while those guys ripped at my clothes, only to discover that I wasn't a girl, and how they beat me almost senseless before they took turns raping me. He didn't say a thing as I relayed the horror of that night, the pain, the anger, and the helpless feelings that took over as I was raped. His eyes betrayed his calm exterior when I told him how I was held down and the first one used me. He was angry, but not at me.

"What those guys need is for someone to really work them over!"

"By who? You? Dan, these guys are dangerous!?"

"I'm really pissed! First, my best friend in the whole world is able to turn himself into a fox any guy would like to be with, and didn't tell me, and second, to have someone rape you, well, that really frosts my ba…"

"How about something to drink?" Mary was standing there with a soda in each hand.

I had known Dan since we started school, and we shared virtually everything, except for my secret. He was angry at me for not telling him, and I got the sense that he felt that if he knew, then I would not have been raped. He and I loved one another like brothers, but our shared grief only made him angry and me ashamed. He stayed a while, then went home, leaving me to face myself in the mirror. First my parents, then Dan had found out, the reactions completely different, yet somehow the same. The next day the pointing at me was worse, only the giggling stopped. I made it through the week, but knew that I was an outcast. The kids had distanced themselves from me rather than take the chance that they too would be laughed at. It was all I could do to hold my head up.

Mary never again suggested that I become Diane, only letting me find, in my own time, the willingness if not the courage to once again get dressed up. The school counselor at first wanted me to talk to her, and when I refused, she demanded it, and again I said no. I knew, because Mary told me, that unless she was a licensed doctor, anything I told her could become part of my school records, which were all public. The counselor was pissed, but couldn't force the issue, and soon dropped it. Because my dad's medical plan would pay for it, I started seeing a real doctor instead. The issue of my wanting to be a girl most prominent in our discussions, which remained private between us. I didn't even tell Mary what I told him. But the worst was soon to come. The police picked up the guys that I had identified as the rapists, and after I was able to pick them out of a line up, they were charged. The trial was set for just a month after that. In my many discussions with my doctor, I asked him how I should dress for the trial, assuming that he would tell me to be there as Diane. He didn't do that, and when the trial started, I was wearing my blue suit.

Of course, it was terrible. Their defense attorneys attacked me viciously, asking all kinds of questions about my dressing as a girl, why I was out at night. He even asked me how much I usually charged! The implication was that I was out selling myself! The Prosecutor had warned me that it was a common ploy to attack the victim in a rape case and I should expect it. What I did not expect was how nasty they were, and to make life worse, the press was there both taping and taking pictures. It was headline news that night. I cowered in the house that night, leaving Mary to answer the phone and deflect people at the door. One thing I did notice was that my parents were never in the court room. The trial lasted four days, which I stayed home for, and all three were convicted and sent away. Life at school only got worse as my secret became common knowledge, and there wasn't anything I could do as each day I would find things stuck to my locker door. Things like a pink bow, or twice, a condom. My life was falling apart and I lived on the edge of depression so deep that thoughts of suicide always lurked nearby. Two days after the trial my mother showed up at Mary's.

"Come home honey. It's over now."

"I notice you didn't bother to come to the trial. Why was that? Afraid to see yourself on the front page?" Mom couldn't answer me, but it was written on her face. She was ashamed of me, and didn't want to be connected to me in any way. That was certainly true for my dad. "Never mind. I already know why. You better go now; and by the way. Thanks for all your support."

Mom left, leaving me to start sobbing the minute the door closed. For all my bravado, she was still my mother, and I had sent her away. An hour later Dan showed up, his sister Cindy with him. I was still crying as Mary let them in anyway. Dan and Cindy both sat next to me, holding on as I let my tears finally dry up.

"They went to jail! You won!"

"Yeah. I won" I said to Cindy, "and guess what the prize is!"

"You can't let a few assholes get to you Andy!" Dan, as big as he was, had no trouble forcing me to face him. "Look here Andy, there's lots of kids that know that you weren't at fault! Sure, dressing as a girl is sort of odd, but they haven't seen you! I have, and I'm telling you that you have nothing to be ashamed of!"

"I looked it up, what you were doing" Cindy said softly, "so I know that you had no control! You had to do what you did!" She paused a moment…"Dan says that your cute."

"He also didn't have his glasses on Cindy."

"I only need them for reading smart ass!"

"Maybe" Mary said, "now is the time. We talked about this, and what better time than right now?" Looking right at Dan…"Why don't you two come back in say…two hours?"

"Will Diane be here then?"

"We'll see Cindy. That's up to Andy, but I'll bet she is."

"Okay" Cindy said, "Two hours then."

After they left I sat there for a while, then dragged myself to my room. As far as I was concerned my life was over anyway, so with nothing to lose, why not go out with a bang? I went in the bath and made myself hairless, then got dressed, only allowing Mary to help me with my hair. For the first time I used the new breast forms and padding Mary had given me, and when I was ready, I walked out of my room wearing a knee length skirt with a sweater and low heels. I had my hair brushed into a flip, my jewelry tasteful, my pantyhose snug, my makeup good. In other words, it was as good as it got. Two hours later, on the dot, the doorbell rang. Expecting Dan and Cindy, I opened the front door. I was my dad! We stood there staring at each other for a moment, then he spoke up.

"Pack your things. You're coming home with me!"

"No dad, I'm not."

"Don't you talk back to me boy! Go change your clothes and pack your stuff, or I'll do it for you!"

"And I'll have you arrested for trespass" Mary said from behind me." If you cared at all, you would already know from the documents sent to you by the court that Andy has been declared an emancipated minor, which means that you cannot order him to do anything!"

"You!" Dad shouted, "You put him up to this! I know all about you, and I'm going to…"

"So do the courts sir! Andy has chosen to live with me, and the courts have approved it. Do whatever you think you must, but be very careful. I'm not some naïve 16 year old sir. I'll fight back, and believe me, you have more to lose than I do. Now please, leave my home."

As dad left he brushed by Dan and Cindy, who had heard almost everything. Mary let them in, and as I stood there I could see Dan smiling while Cindy's eyes were wide open. "Damn" Cindy said, then we all sat in a circle in the living room.

"See? I told you she was cute!"

"I don't believe it! I mean, I heard, Dan told me…but I had no idea, I thought that you would…"

"Look like a clown?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, in a way, I guess I did, but Dan said it wasn't true, so…"

"Listen Diane, we, Cindy and I, we think that it's time that people see the girl that got raped rather than the guy that they think is so odd that he wears a dress, and we want you to come with us. We'll go have a burger or something. Just the three of us together."

"I…I can't."

"Why not? I mean, if this girl we see is who you really think you are, then why not?"

"I…I haven't been…this is the first time I've gotten dressed since you were here the last time! And everyone that sees me will laugh, that's why!"

"Oh, I doubt that Diane. You look spectacular!" Cindy sounded awed. Then…"I'm not going to let Dan's best friend kill himself with worry Diane. He won't say it, but I will; he's been worrying about you so much that it's turning him into a gigantic pain in the butt! I think maybe I should insist that you come with us!"

"But…I…people will…"

"I think it's about time" Mary said suddenly, "for you to take a real good look in the mirror Diane. All this "pity me, I'm scared" routine of yours is doing is making you a recluse! Maybe it's time for you to trust your best friend again…don't you? I got your purse for you Diane, take it, go with Daniel and Cindy, and have a good time." Mary sounded firm but looked very calm as she laid the purse in my lap.

Cindy walked over and took my hand in hers, and when I stood up, she hugged me. Dan, who was standing by the front door, opened it as he looked at me. After the trauma of being raped, paraded in front of the media, then forced to move out of my parents house, I felt there wasn't much more I could lose, yet I hesitated. If I let Dan take me to a burger joint, it was a sure thing that at least some of the kids I knew would be there, and it was their probable reaction that scared me. Finally, Dan took me by the arm and led me to the car. For the first time in a long while I was out of the house dressed as a girl, and you could say that I was terrified, and not be far from the mark. Visions of my rape popped into my head, the images of myself in tattered ruins stark and clear, then I heard the echo of all the titters of my fellow students as I walked to class. Dan drove the car while I sat next to him, Cindy right behind me. I started shaking, unable to stop the trembling no matter what I did, even when Dan patted my hand. I had no idea where he was taking me, but if I trusted anyone besides Mary, he was the one, so I didn't ask. We stopped at the most popular burger joint in town, which immediately caused me to seize up inside. Frozen in place, I could not bring myself to get out of the car, even as Dan took me by the hand and tugged.

"Come on Diane. Now's the time to get over this with. Cindy and I will be right beside you the whole time, so there's nothing to worry about! Now get your cute self out of the car!" As I turned to look at him, he yanked on my arm, and I found myself standing next to him in the bright sunlight. "Let's go" Dan said, then put his arm around my waist and gave me a gentle shove.

Still struggling with what I was sure was going to be another public disembowelment, it was way to late to do anything about it. I could see the kids sitting there, and they could see me. Swallowing hard, we went inside with Cindy leading the way. About ten kids from school were there, all sitting together, all staring at me! I wanted to run away, my first instinct to hide rather than face the shame I was feeling, of having them see me. But Dan had a firm grip in my waist, and I had to stand there next to him. I tried smiling to hide my fears, and barely managed to stand there, and luckily, I didn't throw up.

"Hi everyone, this is Diane!"

Swallowing hard again, I gave a small wave of the hand, but stayed next to Dan.

"So…this is the girl we've all been hearing about?"

"Yup" Dan said.

"Well" said a girl, "I can see why they picked on her…she's sort of cute!"

"Diane is cute alright, but rape isn't about looks" Dan said forcefully, "and you all know it! "She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Let's sit down Diane." Dan and I sat next to each other in a small booth.

"That's all padding…right?" I nodded my head yes…

"But your own hair?" Another nod yes.

"How come you can do makeup better than…ummph…some girls?" Obviously, Janet poked him before he could say it.

"I need it and they don't?" I said meekly.

"You taking her to the dance Danny?"

"I plan on it, but that's up to Diane."

Cindy got us a round of soft drinks while I not only fielded their questions, but wondered why Dan would want to take me to the dance! It was the first I had heard that he wanted to take me! I was sure that I wouldn't go, that was just to much to think about. As they asked me questions, and the more I said, the more they all visibly relaxed, and I began to think that maybe Dan was right. The kids that were there all seemed to be sympathetic to my plight. He and Cindy took me home after a few hours, leaving me to ponder everything that had happened and been said, churning it over and over in my mind. Mary had not once encouraged me to do anything, only offering her opinion and allowing me to decide for myself; she didn't ask me what happened when I was out with Dan and Cindy.

Of course, word had spread through the school that as a girl, I didn't look to bad, and while I still got teased a bit, the worst of it tapered off and my life in school became more tolerable. Dan did ask me to be his date for the dance, but I refused, unable to bring myself that much exposure, so I stayed home that night instead. My doctor told me that exposing myself to my class mates as a girl could be both good and bad. One the one hand, their perception of a me dressed as a girl would be shattered, while on the other hand it might lead them to mistake one desire for another; sex instead of compulsion. I managed to survive the rest of the school year, barely able to hang onto my self esteem as I still struggled with the dual shame of exposure and rape.

My mother had started to stop by once a week, and while I didn't throw her out, I also did not confide in her. My total lack of trust in her and dad over rode any love I had for her. Mary told me that mom was also struggling to find out why I wanted to be a girl, and had no way, no hand hold, to lift herself so she could find out. About the best it got was when we could sit in the same room without one of us crying. Mom never mentioned my dad, and I didn't ask, although once, she did say that he was becoming surly and angrier with each passing day. While mom was trying, my father would never accept me as a girl, that much was clear. He also hated the idea that I had managed to get myself out from under his rule legally. In his mind he ran the house and everyone in it, including me, regardless of what the courts said. He probably would have made more of an effort to get me back home if Mary had not stepped in and made it clear that she would fight him.

On my last day of school I went home, then straight to my room, and flopped on the bed, unsure if I should get changed and become Diane. Then I heard it on the news. The three guys that had raped me had been released due to a technicality! That night it was all over the news, and once again my face was plastered all over the press. That evening I got a call from the Prosecutor, who told me that they had decided not to try the case again. There wasn't anything I could do about it, and I retreated to my room, staying there for virtually the whole time for the next two days. Within that grayness of my anger at their release, I felt as if everything I wanted was about to be taken away once again. I cried, I threw things, yet my dismay changed to one of determination once I thought of a solution.

When I emerged from my room, I knew what I was going to do. I had planned it out carefully, and had gone over it many times in my mind. The next morning I began by taking great care to remove all of my body hair, then got dressed, wearing jeans and a blouse, my hair in a ponytail. Taking my purse, I drove to my parents house and used my key to get in. The gun cabinet key was in the usual place, so I took it and opened the cabinet. Taking the 9mm and two full clips, I locked everything back up, and left the house as quietly as I could. The gun was heavy in my purse, but I didn't care, and drove back home. Stashing the gun, I then drove off to stalk my attackers. I followed them very discretely for a week before I knew what time, and where, they would die.

Since my attackers knew me mostly as a guy, the only time they had seen me as a girl was the night of the rape, I went out and bought a dark wig that gave me hair down to the middle of my back. Stalking them was very terrifying, yet I was driven by a force the went well beyond my compulsion to dress as a girl. After two weeks of that, I knew all of their habits, hangouts, and time schedules, and planned on nailing them all on Friday night. That was the night they walked the streets together. Changing my makeup, wearing the dark wig and dressing differently would allow me to get close enough to serve what I saw as justice. I started that day with a long bubblebath, most likely my last, then got dressed, starting with a pair of very tight thong panties, a push up bra, then a garterbelt, hose, very short mini, and a lame top with spike heels. I used a darker makeup with dramatic eye shadow and outlandish eyeliner. Then I cleaned the gun. Making sure I had a round in the chamber, I stuffed it into my purse and made my way to the front door. I was going to murder all three of them.

The gun was loaded, my car was full of gas, and I was ready to become the bait. I was also ready to face the police if they caught me. I yanked open the door, prepared to step into an uncertain future, but…

"Dan! What are you doing here?!"

Startled, he said, "Why are you dressed this way Diane? You look like a cheap hooker!"

"I…I have to go Dan, get out of the way!"

"No dammit! Tell me what's going on! Why are you dressed like this? What's with that ugly wig? " I tried to shoulder my way past him, which didn't work. He shoved me back, and in my anger, I swung my purse and hit him on the shoulder, causing the pistol to fall out on the floor. "A gun! What the hell are you doing with a gun….wait! You're going to do something really stupid aren't you? You planned on killing those guys?"

"Get out of my way" I said angrily, grabbing the gun and trying to push him aside. He didn't budge.

"Diane! Listen to me! You can't do this! They'll throw your ass in jail, and then what? You'll become some guys bitch? Is that what you want?"

"They're not going to prosecute them again Dan" I cried, "my life gets trashed, and they get what? A few months in jail? It's not fair! I…I…"

He wrapped his arms around me to stop my flailing at him, simply holding me until I finally broke down in tears. "It's not fair" I cried…."Not fair!"

He held me like that for a moment longer, not saying anything, then grabbed the pistol from me and stuck it in his waistband. He forcefully pushed me back inside, then ripped the wig from my head. The anger on his face was more than an expression, and it was only when he threw the wig on the floor and grabbed me again that I understood. He placed his lips on mine and held me there. When he let up, I knew it wasn't anger I saw, but anguish mixed with attraction!

"Go in there and wash that gunk off your face Diane. I'll be waiting right here. And don't think that you can get by me, because you can't. I'm not going to let you throw your life away on three scumbags, no matter how much they deserve it! Now get your ass in there and get cleaned up! Or do I have to help you?"

We had a bit of a stare down, but when he pointed at my room, I turned and left him standing there. All my plans were gone, my hope of revenge shredded. I ripped off the clothes and stepped into the shower, washing away everything but my dismay. When I walked out of my room I wore a simple skirt and top with flats. My makeup back to normal and my hair in a ponytail. Dan was still there of course, but so was Mary. The 9mm sat on the coffee table between them, the clip and extra round next to it. Once again I felt the torrent of misery wash over me. I had failed once again to achieve a goal. I stood there with downcast eyes, unable to look Mary or Dan in the face. I had allowed myself to be corrupted by my anger, which grew into a willingness to kill someone rather than face anyone, even myself.

"This is not the answer Diane" Mary said. "Where did you get the gun?" I said nothing, and she asked me again. "Where did you get the gun Diane. Answer me!"

"My dad. He has a cabinet."

"I'll see that he gets it back Diane, but I can't have this. I cannot allow you to ruin your life over something you have no control over! No matter what else happens to you, and whether you believe it or not, there are a lot of people that care a great deal about you!"

"That guy said they weren't going to prosecute them again! That makes me look like a…whore or something!"

"And killing them would make your booboo better?" Mary was very adept at dishing out sarcasm. "Poor baby! You think that they wanted to drop it? Do you think they don't know those guys are scum? They all have long rap sheets Diane! Of course they knew they were guilty!"

"But…"

"But nothing" Dan said, "I'll bet that if you wait a bit, those same guys will end up doing a long stretch anyway! They can't seem to stay out of trouble, and the cops will get them eventually!"

"After how many more rapes?!"

Mary told me to sit down, which I did, then I broke down again. All of my frustrations, loses, failures and fears came to a head at that moment. I lost my family, after a frustrating life of tormented denial about how I felt, I failed to make my parents understand why I needed to be myself, I lost friends, and my ongoing fear of another attack still lived. Vivid dreams of that night had followed me relentlessly, and that colored my view of the world in a whole new way. Everything that I was, everything that I thought was right had changed, especially my ability to trust someone, anyone. I didn't even confide in Mary very much. Only my doctor knew the depths of my feelings. As I sat there weeping, knowing that my entire life was worthless, I tried to look up, but could not bring myself to do it. The stark reminder of how far I was willing to go to recapture my self esteem lay on the table, ugly and gray, a killing machine that I had actually considered using. I was nothing, and worse, I knew it.

"Maybe" Dan said softly, "it's time that you found someone to love you for the person you are rather than the person you think you are. You're not a killer, you're my friend, and friends care Diane."

"You?"

"Yes, I love you, but like the brother I never had! It's not me Diane. There's someone else."

"Who?"

"It's Bill."

"Truck?" I said, using Bill's nickname.

"The very same. It seems that when he saw you at the burger place, apparently he fell in love on the spot. He's been nagging me almost every day since then to get you two together! How about it?"

"But you…you kissed me!"

"Yeah, but that was to calm you down. Think of me like a big brother instead."

"Truck?"

"Just who would be stupid enough to bother you with him around?"

"Maybe Diane and I should talk alone Dan."

"I'll bring him over tomorrow Diane. Be ready." It wasn't a question, it was a demand.

Dan left, and Mary moved to sit next to me. The moment she put her arm around me I fell against her, and under her gentle prodding, I began to describe my dreams, including my reaction when I had been impaled and violated in the worst way, then the sensation of lust that gripped me like a tight vise, overriding my shame and anger. My parents, especially my dad, and the reaction of the kids that had seen me, and finally, my resolve to right a wrong all flowed out without stopping. I was surprised at how easily I had accepted the fact that murder might be an answer, more surprised I think, at the idea that I thought I could actually do it. Mary listened, then we talked about women that had been raped, how they had also been the victims of zealous lawyers willing to shred their past, then their reactions which had almost universally been one of shame. What I was feeling, she told me, was exactly the same thing. Our talk only relived my pent up anger, but did not allow me to find all of the solace I needed.

The next morning Mary insisted that I see my doctor, but for the first time she came along. In fact, she demanded to sit in, then she told him what I had tried to do. Shock at my actions led him to explain once again that I felt the same feelings any woman that had been raped would feel. That's when I opened my blouse and threw a breast form on his desk.

"Does that look real to you? It's a blob of silicone and nothing more! I'm not a woman, I'm a…freak! A…parody!"

"Then maybe" he said softly, "it's time we changed that."

He wrote out a prescription and handed it to me, and we talked for about another two hours. Things that I had held tightly inside myself came to light, and for the first time I started to feel good about myself. By the time I left his office I knew what I had to do, and decided to go after it with the same determination I had used to plan the murders. It was also during that session that I found out that we all have the capacity to kill, but for most of us, our moral compass doesn't allow us to act on it. The mere fact that I was willing to do it only meant that I had been driven well past all of my internal sensibilities.

I took my first pill that day, then I went in my room to change. I was very nervous as I got dressed, knowing that Bill was coming over, to see the real me, not the parody I thought I had become. I wore my pleated tan skirt with the pink blouse and my brown flats, my hair brushed into a pageboy. I used my perfume and painted my lips dark red, then stood there trying to find a flaw. The doorbell rang, and I raced to the front door, but was beaten to it by Mary. Bill stood there a moment, grinning when he saw me behind Mary. Mary smiled and went in the kitchen, leaving Bill and I standing there. I let him in, still unsure of what I should do. He settled that rather quickly when he walked up to me, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me! It was long and ardent, and when he let me go…

"Sorry Diane. I've been wanting to do that since I first saw you."

"Bill, you know that I'm not…what I mean is…what will everyone say?"

"You know what?" he said forcefully, "I don't care what they say! Danny tells me that you're going to be a woman someday, and that's good enough for me! Besides, I want to be first on your list!"

"List?"

"Yeah. That list of guys that'll be ringing your doorbell before long."

"Bill…"

"Lets go get a burger. We'll talk, tell some bad jokes…you know, have a good time."

It was do or die for me, time for me to keep hiding, or step up and not be afraid any more, so I nodded my head yes. I grabbed my purse, told Mary where we were going, and let him steer me to the car. He and I were walking towards the street, his arm firmly around my waist, when my parents drove up! Dad looked and scowled, and we watched as they got out of the car.

"You stole a gun" my dad said when we came face to face.

"Mary has it" I said glumly.

"At least you had the balls to think about it, I didn't think you had it in you."

"I got a lot of stuff in me dad, you just never cared enough to find out."

He started towards me, but Bill stood in front of him, all 6' 6" and 275 pounds of him. "Who's this?"

"This is Bill. He's a friend of mine."

"How good a friend? Or shouldn't I ask?" Dad sounded like he smirked.

"She's a good friend sir, nothing more….yet."

"Yet?"

"That's what I said sir."

"That's a boy in a skirt young man, did you know that?"

"Yeah, I know it, but I don't judge people by what they wear. Do you?"

"That's my son dammit!"

Things were starting to get out of control, so I tugged Bill's arm, urging him to get in the car, but that's when dad grabbed me by the arm and yanked hard. I fell to the ground, only breaking the fall when I landed against Bill. In a motion I had only seen on television, Bill grabbed my dad by the front of his shirt and lifted him off his feet for a moment, pulling him nose to nose. With dad held there like that….

"You can yell, you can even scream. You might even try me. But if you touch her like that again I'll be very angry. Get it?"

Bill never raised his voice, but the meaning was very clear, and dad got the message. I had never seen my dad with that look on his face before. He knew that it wouldn't have taken much for Bill to pound him into the sidewalk, so he finally nodded his head and Bill let him go. Mary came running out of the house just then, getting between Bill and my dad.

"I thought that the courts made it clear. Diane is her own person now, and free to do what she wishes!"

"I ripped my nylons" I said inanely, and went in the house, leaving everyone else standing there. It was true, I had to change my pantyhose, but also, I couldn't bear standing there with my dad looking at me like that. I changed, then slowly walked back outside, just as my dad said...

"I want him to come home now. He's had enough of this playing dress up to last a life time!"

"Honey" mom said sharply, "you know that's not going to happen! Now drop it! Diane has become a very nice young lady, and you'll just have to accept that!"

"Yeah, after getting stuck in the ass a few times, all of a sudden our son wants to be a girl?"

Bill hit him with a roundhouse punch that lifted my dad off the ground a little, throwing him on his back amid the flower beds. Walking over, Bill grabbed him by the shirt again.

"I warned you, didn't I? Why don't you just leave? Nobody wants you here."

"I'll have your ass arrested for that!"

"For what?" mom wanted to know…"I didn't see a thing! Did you Diane…Mary?"

"Not a thing" we said as dad staggered to his feet.

Mary gave the gun to mom, and dad got in the car, motioning for mom to join him. When she didn't, he sped away in a cloud of burning rubber. We all stood there for a moment, then mom started to cry. Mary took her in the house, which left Bill and I alone. Glancing at the house, we both knew that I couldn't leave, so he hugged me, then watched as I went back inside. Mom had finally made the leap and had accepted me as a girl, which left my father, who obviously never would. She and I hugged tightly, and for the first time in a long time I felt as if she still loved me, which meant that she too was through with letting dad terrorize her. The three of us talked and laughed, cried, and opened our hearts to each other, then we heard it on the radio. The three guys that had raped me had been killed! As we listened, it became clear that we all feared the same thing; that my dad had killed them while in a rage. But it had been a woman working in a party store. They had attempted a robbery, and the woman had fought back. Two of then had taken a slug in the head, the other one in the heart. I felt elated, knowing that my dad had not done it, but also that the guys that raped me had finally been dealt with.

I never saw my father again. He had done his best to make my mother go along with his distorted views, and when she said no, they ended up divorced. It took both Mary and my shrink to convince me that I wasn't at fault for their divorce, which I came to accept after dad moved away. By then of course, I had developed the body I always wanted, and no longer padded anywhere. I had decided to start school as Diane, which I did, and while it was tough for a while, eventually I was just another one of the unusual students. Bill and I started dating, and we had lots of fun, but we drifted apart when he and Dan's sister Cindy discovered each other. Mom and I grew closer, and while we still don't share a house, we talk almost every day now. Hopefully time will help cure the rest of our wounds. Mary had her surgery after I graduated, then got married to a nice guy she met at work.

Through all of this, what sticks out the most is not my terrible transformation from boy to girl, or Dan and Bill's steadfast friendship, it was how easily I found myself willing to kill in order to end the torment. As I look back on it, I know that I might have done it, and that still scares me. Murder is easy they say, but having to live with it, well, that's another matter.

 

 

 

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© 2002 by Janet Stickney. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.
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